1 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:22,120 MAN ON TV: I've been waiting for this one. He keeps on about it on GMTV, you know. 2 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:23,720 I know. He makes me laugh, though, Lee. 3 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,240 Scary Spice were your favourite Spice, wasn't she? 4 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,560 Yeah. I loved her cos she were from Leeds... 5 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,880 This is mental, because they're watching TV, 6 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:38,720 and I'm watching them watch TV.... 7 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,560 ...and whoever's watching this 8 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,440 is watching me 9 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,400 watching them watch TV. 10 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,000 TV: I was just born when they split in 2000, the first time around. 11 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,520 Yeah, so I wasn't even born when they split up, 12 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:55,160 so they must be outdated now. 13 00:00:55,200 --> 00:01:00,440 And if this ends up on an episode of Gogglebox, 14 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,600 I'll be watching them 15 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,480 watching me 16 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,600 watching them 17 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,640 watch TV of me. 18 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:10,160 TV: ...But that's the way of young television - 19 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,440 how many people she slept with. 20 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,760 KERRY: I can't think about that any more, that's gonna make my head explode. 21 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,240 (WOMAN HUMS HAPPILY) 22 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,360 So, Dad came out of prison, 23 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,120 like, two, three weeks ago 24 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,160 and he didn't have anywhere to stay, 25 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,720 so Mum said he could stay here 26 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,240 if he did a bit of DIY around the house and that. 27 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:33,520 (HUMMING CONTINUES) 28 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,600 And she's sort of been... 29 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,120 ...singing ever since. 30 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:41,120 (SINGING TUNELESSLY) 31 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,840 All he's done is put up a loo-roll holder. 32 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,560 The only DIY Martin's doing is drilling Sue eight inches deep 33 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,800 into her memory foam. 34 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,320 He's porking her out big time, that's why she's so happy. 35 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,920 I can hear 'em at it, like a pair of greasy buffalos, 36 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,160 and I live three streets away. 37 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,360 And either Kerry is in massive denial about the whole thing, 38 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,040 or when she sleeps she wears industrial earplugs. 39 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,080 Budge up. 40 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,760 UKTV, London's Burning. 41 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,080 - (GROANS) - Time Team's about to start. 42 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,840 Nah, London's Burning. 43 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,520 KERRY: It's nice seeing my mum and dad getting back together, 44 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,400 er, it's just sort of adjusting 45 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,480 to having three people in the house now. 46 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,200 Er, but it's fine. 47 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,440 Er, it's just my dad's a bit of a night owl, 48 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:33,720 and he really likes to play, like, deer-hunting simulation games, 49 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,880 and the only computer in the house is in my room. 50 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,280 Um, so it's just a bit of a shock, er, 51 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,160 when you're woken up at, like, 3am 52 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,760 by the sounds of, like, gunfire 53 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:50,200 and computerised elk sort of screaming in agony. 54 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:54,560 But other than that, it's working well. 55 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,320 (TV ON) 56 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,840 Why do you wanna watch that Time Team rubbish anyhow? 57 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,160 You know it's fake. 58 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,880 Yeah, Tony Robinson just blacks up a few old coins, 59 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,080 drops them in the trench when no-one's looking. 60 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,840 No, I haven't actually seen Martin 61 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,480 since he's been back in the village. 62 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,600 Er, I've been flitting about like the first swallow of spring. 63 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,080 Er, I've actually been working with Len, er, 64 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,000 helping him get back on his feet. 65 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,120 Um, a few weeks ago, 66 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,160 he hit rock bottom, and I stepped in, 67 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,000 and we've literally, er, had to start from scratch. 68 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,040 But the progress he's made has been fantastic. 69 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,720 Here he is. 70 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,280 Come on, come in, come on. 71 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,080 Wow, who's this handsome young man? 72 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,960 Len. 73 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,760 Len's been staying with me temporarily until the council find him 74 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,480 some new accommodation. 75 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,400 But we got him scrubbed up, a change of clothes, new attitude. 76 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,680 Oh, we...we had a bit of a rocky patch at the start, though, didn't we, Len? 77 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,320 - No. - Yes. 78 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,720 You...you were a little bit rude to Polly for the first few days, weren't you? 79 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:07,960 No, I weren't. 80 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,400 Oh, OK. Well, we'll agree to disagree on that. 81 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:15,040 But everyone's getting on well now, which is great. 82 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,080 People think that being alone makes you lonely, 83 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,440 but I don't think that's true. 84 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,720 Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world. 85 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,280 I hope you're not thinking of Polly when you say that, Len. 86 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:34,440 REV FRANCIS: I've also enrolled Len into a computer club every Wednesday 87 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,280 called Silver Surfers, 88 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,080 which he's really enjoying. 89 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,040 Er, it's a weekly session 90 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,760 where we teach older members of the village computer skills, 91 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,920 hence Silver Surfers. 92 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,000 Er, I came up with the name, yes. I was quite proud of that. 93 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,120 Can...can I...? 94 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,960 Can I get onto Safari? 95 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,680 Well, what's wrong with Internet Explorer? 96 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,680 KURTAN: Yeah, I've been helping out at Silver Surfers. 97 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,280 Er, it works out quite well 98 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,720 cos, er, Vicar needs my help to teach people the computer, 99 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,360 and I need access to the internet to make my memes. 100 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,600 Er, basically, Nan unplugged the Wi-Fi here 101 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,720 because she reckons the electromagnetic waves 102 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,800 are making me infertile. (SIGHS) 103 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,880 And she's desperate for great-grandchildren. 104 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,120 So where are the e-mails on this, then? 105 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,120 So, well, this is Facebook, 106 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,640 - so it's a completely different thing. - Oi, Len! 107 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:28,960 They're not the same? What? 108 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,480 You know they don't deliver e-mails on a Sunday? 109 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,800 - Arthur, please. - They don't what? 110 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,560 They don't deliver e-mails on a Sunday, Len. 111 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,440 What? Do they not? 112 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:39,960 - Don't-Don't-Don't rise to it. - What, is he? 113 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,600 A digital dinosaur or what? 114 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,480 Listen, right? 115 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:48,520 Stop winding up Len 116 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,360 or I'll tell the vicar about your internet search history. 117 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,600 What? 118 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,720 "Big jugs" ring any bells? 119 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,640 Yeah, I need big jugs to hold me orchids up straight. 120 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,520 So what do you need a shaved fanny for, then? 121 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,680 MARTIN: You know, the best thing you could've done was dob me in. 122 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,120 KERRY: Really? 123 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,960 Yeah, I had a lot of thinking time inside. 124 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,280 And I wanna make up for lost time. 125 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,160 That's really nice, Da. 126 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:26,240 Because the way I treated you was absolutely disgusting, Ker. 127 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,240 Oh, it doesn't matter. 128 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,640 Cos I remember you coming down the house... 129 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,280 Yeah. 130 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,960 ...and you'd knock on the door... 131 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,560 Yeah. 132 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,960 ...and I'd look out the window, and my heart would sink. 133 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,360 Now, I'm just being honest with you, telling you the truth, Ker. 134 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,000 Yeah, thanks... 135 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,080 ...for that, Dad. 136 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,400 Yeah, I think my dad's changed since he's come out of prison. 137 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,560 Um, he's more honest, 138 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,960 maybe even a tad too honest, if I'm honest. 139 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,640 - And I remember when you was born... - Honestly, 140 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,680 you don't have to say any more, 141 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,480 - it's just water under the bridge. - No, no, it's important. 142 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,480 (WHISPERS) OK... 143 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,840 And your mother left the room to get a breath of fresh air... 144 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,680 ...and I was standing over your little crib... 145 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,200 ...listening to you snore... 146 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,040 KERRY: Aw. 147 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,840 ...hovering the pillow over your face. 148 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,840 Not that I would've. 149 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,040 Yeah, yeah. 150 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,720 But I could've. You know what... 151 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,960 - You know what I'm talking about, yeah. - Yeah. 152 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,520 Oh, God, that feels good, getting that off my chest. 153 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,040 KERRY: Yeah. 154 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,360 REV FRANCIS: So, how are you, Kerry? 155 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:46,520 KERRY: Yeah, fine. 156 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,960 Yeah, good. Um, I heard your dad moved back in. How's that been going? 157 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,240 Yeah, it's really good. 158 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,280 Oh, that's excellent. 159 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,920 - How have you been doing? - Yeah, good. 160 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,600 - Len still staying at yours with you? - Yes. Yes, he is. 161 00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:00,680 Hypothetically, right, um, if I needed a place to stay, 162 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,560 do you think you'd kick out Len because we're sort of closer mates? 163 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,040 - Just sort of hypothetically speaking. - Um... 164 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,560 Because I can give him a call, er, if it's too awkward for you. 165 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,440 I'll just phone him up and go, er, "Really sorry, Len, 166 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,680 "unfortunately, the vicar's found asbestos in the walls. 167 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,160 "Also, you've gotta get out now. 168 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:24,480 "So, do you...do you mind picking up all your belongings and getting out?" 169 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:25,520 - Kerry... - "Within the hour..." 170 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,240 - Kerry. - "...would be great." 171 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,120 Kerry, is there a problem at home? 172 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:33,440 No, I just fancy a new house. Is that so...is that such a crime? 173 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,640 - Jeez! - No, all I'm saying is, 174 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,520 look, these things... 175 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,760 ...these things can be difficult to talk about, 176 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:44,240 but, like I've always said, and we've always said, 177 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,880 you can't hide from a problem 178 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,680 and it's so much better to address it, 179 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,800 so do you wanna talk about it? 180 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,560 Well, it's sort of difficult to explain 181 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,200 because I'm a bit confused myself, in a way, I suppose. 182 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,640 I understand. I'm...I'm here to listen. 183 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,040 Why don't you try me? 184 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,080 Right. 185 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,440 Have you ever seen the kids' programme Bodger And Badger? 186 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,120 - Do you remember that? - Oh, yes. (CHUCKLES) 187 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,840 - Yeah? - I think so, years ago, yeah. 188 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,360 - So, those two are funny, ain't they? - Yep. 189 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,960 And I think it works because they sort of 190 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,720 - balance each other out, in a way. - Mm. 191 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,520 Because you can't have two Badgers, 192 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,240 because the place would just be covered in mashed potato 193 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:26,880 and no-one's paying the rent, 194 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,320 as you can't have two Bodgers, 195 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,800 because nothing funny would ever happen 196 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,360 and that place would be utterly soulless. 197 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,560 Sorry, I'm not quite following you. 198 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,480 Right, so my mum's Bodger. 199 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:39,560 Right. 200 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,520 And I'm Badger. 201 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,600 - And your dad is...? - He's also a Badger. 202 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,720 - So a Bodger can't have two Badgers? - No, not at all, 203 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,160 because there's not enough mashed potato to go around. 204 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,800 Yes, I can see how that would be a problem. 205 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,280 So what do I do? 206 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,800 (SIGHS) Well... 207 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,520 I think you need to talk to Bodger. 208 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,280 I don't think he'd wanna get involved. 209 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,320 - I mean your mum. - Oh. 210 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,640 Right, yeah. 211 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,280 Right, why don't you just talk to her, Kerry? 212 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,400 Tell her how you're feeling about the whole situation, 213 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,000 and then who knows? 214 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,440 Maybe you can come to some sort of an arrangement. 215 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:22,840 Yeah, I suppose. 216 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,240 - Mm? - OK. 217 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,000 REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's, er... 218 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,920 Well, it's funny how the world works sometimes - 219 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,520 you can wish for something and then, when it finally happens, 220 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,040 it's not quite what you expected. (CHUCKLES) 221 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,560 Like, er, well, for instance, I...I used to be a huge Paul Merton fan. 222 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,320 I always wanted to meet him. 223 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,880 Then, one day, er, I found myself sitting opposite him on the train 224 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,120 from Didcot to London. 225 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:52,520 And I...I heard him whisper very loudly to his agent... 226 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,440 (SIGHS) 227 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,320 "...The boiled egg in the dog collar keeps smiling at me. 228 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,800 "This is why we need to go first class, Derek." 229 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,280 (SIGHS) 230 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,080 Mum? 231 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:19,880 Yeah. 232 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,280 Yeah, sure. 233 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,800 Yeah. 234 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,520 Thanks! 235 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,360 Yeah, I was thinking of talking to Mum about Dad. 236 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,040 But what's good for me 237 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,080 is not necessarily good for her at the moment. 238 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,680 She's in such a good mood right now. 239 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,360 You know, I haven't seen her this happy 240 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,240 since Auntie Linda put on a load of weight. 241 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,920 Yeah? 242 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,000 Why? What's going on tomorrow night? 243 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,680 (SNIFFS) Ugh... 244 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,640 I like Skittles, but that is wank. 245 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:34,720 (SIGHS) 246 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,520 REV FRANCIS: Edit profile, but I'm... 247 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,720 LEN: Edit profile, really? 248 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,560 Again, I'm not entirely sure. 249 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,560 Oh, I tell you who will know, it's Kurtan. Kurtan? 250 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,920 - Kurtan, now, er, Len... - Yeah. 251 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,280 ...wants to change his relationship status... 252 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:13,320 Yeah. 253 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,000 ...on Facebook. How can he do that? 254 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,200 Oh, easy, I can do it now. 255 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,640 Oh, wonderful. 256 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,560 - Relationship, eh? - Yeah. 257 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:20,600 Blimey. 258 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,360 REV FRANCIS: Yes, there's been some exciting 259 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,840 developments with Len, 260 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,960 and I never thought I'd say this, but love is in the air. 261 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,520 He's, er, he's actually met 262 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,360 a lovely lady online from America called Cynthia, 263 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,520 and they've been talking via Facebook. 264 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,120 I've, er, I've written a poem for Cynthia. 265 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,240 Oh, well, that's just lovely, Len. 266 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,920 Do you...do you want to read it out? 267 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,520 - Er... - You don't have to, 268 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,880 but we'd love to hear it, wouldn't we? 269 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,280 - Really? All right. Let's have a look. - Oh, yes, please. 270 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,320 Um... 271 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,440 "You fill my days with sun 272 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,160 "You fill my nights with moon 273 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,760 "You fill the air with breeze 274 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:08,320 "You fill the arboretum with trees." 275 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,840 REV FRANCIS: Well, I...I wouldn't say 276 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,200 it's been a case of turning water into wine 277 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,040 because I knew Len always had it in him. 278 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,720 I just think a lot of people felt Len was a lost cause, 279 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,600 but what they failed to see was his potential. 280 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,520 Er, it actually reminds me a bit of Jesus and the leper. 281 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,920 Not... I'm not saying Len has leprosy. 282 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,640 Although, he did have a fungal infection 283 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,480 from not taking his shoes off for such a long time. 284 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,360 "You fill my dance with jive 285 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,920 "You are the only thing keeping me alive." 286 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,280 That's...beautiful, Len. 287 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,120 All right, thank you. 288 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,560 Thanks very much. 289 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,800 Well done, well done. 290 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,600 KURTAN: Yeah, it's great that Len's doing well. Um... 291 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:58,040 But the problem is, it's just fuelling the vicar's ego. 292 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,240 You should see him 293 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,120 parading Len around in the cafe like a show pony, it's disgusting. 294 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,480 Yeah, and what Vicar doesn't realise 295 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,960 is that, ultimately, you can never truly tame a wild beast. 296 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,320 You know, eventually, 297 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,920 they will turn on their captors because it's just animal instinct. 298 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,840 It's like that woman who got her face ripped off by her pet chimp. 299 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,400 Have you seen her face transplant? 300 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,880 Looks like someone threw a pancake at her from the other side of the room. 301 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,280 It's bizarre - no features. 302 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,320 (MUSIC BLARES) 303 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,440 Oh, go on, Martin! 304 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:44,760 The boys are back in tow-ow-own! 305 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,280 Who wants another shot? 306 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,480 Hey! 307 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,440 308 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,160 309 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,560 (LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING) 310 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,160 Yeah, I just decided, er, 311 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,600 I'm gonna have a sleepover at Kurtan's tonight. 312 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:07,000 Er, I just don't really wanna be at home at the moment 313 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:11,120 so I just really wanna go somewhere where I'll know I'll feel welcome. 314 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,720 This is really, massively inconvenient, Kerry, 315 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,040 and massively late notice. 316 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,080 I'm sorry, Kurtan. 317 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,520 Nan will go apoplectic if she knows you're staying the night. 318 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,800 She's at Farm Foods now, 319 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,160 so you've literally got an hour to practise keeping your clodhopping 320 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,120 and your foghorning down to an absolute minimum, OK? 321 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:29,520 Oh, okey dokey. 322 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,600 (SIGHS) Even in the casual way in which you just said okey dokey 323 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,440 makes me think you don't understand the seriousness of this situation. 324 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,760 I do, Kurtan! 325 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,080 - OK, foghorning, Kerry! - (SIGHS) 326 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,840 When you think you're taking it down a notch, 327 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,840 take it down another four notches, please. 328 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,640 - OK. - All right, come in... 329 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,360 - Thank you. - ...and go straight upstairs. 330 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,480 My nan cannot stand Kerry. 331 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,240 She don't like house guests at the best of times 332 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,240 but she just thinks Kerry's completely out of control. 333 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,920 This one time, Kerry left some Pringles shards 334 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,200 on the arm of the sofa. 335 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,880 Yeah, you don't come back from that. 336 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,320 And rightly so. 337 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,880 - Where's my squash? - We're sharing this one, 338 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,400 otherwise she'll know there's two cups missing from the cupboard. 339 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,040 Well, can I have a little bit? 340 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,000 - Yes. - Thank you. 341 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,080 But ration it because I ain't getting you any more. 342 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,040 (FRONT DOOR CLOSES) 343 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,080 Mm. 344 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,120 She's back. 345 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,840 (KEYS CLINK) 346 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,320 - Lee, my love? - Yes? 347 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,480 You coming down for a natter? 348 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,120 Yes, one second, Nan. 349 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,600 Right, can you be trusted up here on your own? 350 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,200 Because I've gotta go downstairs. 351 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,240 Natter, what's she mean by natter? 352 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,920 Just we natter, we have a cup of tea... 353 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,840 We do it every evening, OK? 354 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,960 A lot like chatting, then? 355 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,640 No, nattering, big difference. 356 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,600 What's the difference? 357 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,160 Chattin' is like conversation, 358 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,240 natterin' is when you flitter between subjects 359 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,760 without having to give it a proper introduction 360 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,640 or link them to anything, OK? 361 00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,600 What will you natter about? 362 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,840 Well, I don't know. Wherever the nattering takes us, OK? 363 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:03,880 Just... 364 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:06,960 Coming, Nan. 365 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,960 The problem with Kurtan is... 366 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,720 ...he's just an old woman trapped in the body of a young man. 367 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,480 Actually, that's wrong 368 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,880 cos he's also got the body of an old woman. 369 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:26,120 So he's just an old woman trapped in the body of an old woman. 370 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,080 NAN: Oh, no, and she's left her mansion to crumble to bloody ruins. 371 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,160 KURTAN: Yeah. 372 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,480 NAN: All those pets and horses and what have you? 373 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,680 KURTAN: God, I thought Springwatch was so poor this evening. 374 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,440 NAN: Oh, yes. 375 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,560 KURTAN: No point having otter cam then cutting to otter cam 376 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,280 for only, like, two seconds. 377 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,400 NAN: No, no. 378 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:47,480 Lidl's teabags may be cheap, but they're bloody useless. 379 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,840 KURTAN: Yeah. 380 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,280 NAN: Do you know where I've always wanted to go? 381 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,240 - Where? - Scotland. 382 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:58,000 - I've never been to bloody Scotland. - Yeah. 383 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,080 I'm so knackered. 384 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,280 Kurtan kicked me out before his nan woke up. 385 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,440 Now I don't know where to go. 386 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,960 Like, I can't even go to the cafe cos that's not even open yet. 387 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,920 (SNIFFS) 388 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,160 Yeah, I'll probably have to go to Len's old patch. 389 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,680 Or there's a sheltered bit under the bypass to Gloucester. 390 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,760 But I don't really know 391 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,320 how, like, territories work on the streets, 392 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,640 like whether you have to ask permission or it's just a free-for-all. 393 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,800 Yeah, I don't wanna step on anyone's toes, like. 394 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,600 Is that Dad and Sandra? 395 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,480 (GASPS) 396 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,000 Oh, my God. 397 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,520 Come on. 398 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,800 LEN: Kurtan! I need some help! 399 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:17,840 What is it? 400 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,280 Well, how do you do an online money transfer? 401 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,000 Well, who are you transferring the money to? 402 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,320 To Cynthia. 403 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,040 What for? She's not rinsing you, is she, Len? 404 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,600 No, she's got her own money. 405 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,320 She's got $12 million 406 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,440 and she's heiress to a diamond fortune. 407 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,880 Right, well, what does she need your money for, then? 408 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,080 Well, she can't fly over till she gets a passport, 409 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,840 and they won't give her access to her money 410 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,040 until she gets $3,000, 411 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,200 so I'm giving her $3,000. 412 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,400 Is that all right, Officer? 413 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,440 (SCOFFS) Well... 414 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,120 Well, it's just that doesn't make much sense, Len. 415 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,320 Look, it's all in there. 416 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,800 Look, here's the details, just put the money in there. 417 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,040 This is a bank account in Nigeria. 418 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,560 Yeah, well, she's borrowing her brother's account 419 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,680 because she hasn't got one of her own at the moment. 420 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,760 What's all the fuss for, fussy? 421 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,280 It's just... No, I'm not fussing, I just... 422 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,040 Well, I can't actually do it today cos... 423 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,440 ...you can't send money online on a Tuesday, but... 424 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:13,520 Oh. 425 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,600 ...I can do it tomorrow, if that's better? 426 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,960 Yeah, yeah. But first thing, yeah? 427 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,280 - Yeah. - Yeah, there you are. 428 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,200 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 429 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,880 - Oh, hi, Vicar. - Oh, hi, Kurtan. 430 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,560 - How are you doing? - Er, good. 431 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,600 Er, quickly, have you actually seen any pictures of Len's girlfriend? 432 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,600 Er, no, I haven't. 433 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,560 Er, well, this is her profile picture, look. 434 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,960 Ah. 435 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,440 And I googled the image, and that is not a woman called Cynthia. 436 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,080 That is a woman called Joan, from Humberside, 437 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:47,320 who was a fitness model in the '80s but is now currently dead. 438 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,280 Oh, dear. 439 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,360 And whoever is posing as her is wanting Len to send them money, so... 440 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,120 ...we need to stop him. 441 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,000 What a rotten thing to do to someone. 442 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,520 Yeah. 443 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,080 (SCOFFS) Why can't it just be like the old days? 444 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:08,720 Boy meets girl in cafe, boy asks girl out, 445 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,880 boy courts girl with permission from parents, 446 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,280 boy asks for girl's hand in marriage, the end. 447 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,320 (SCOFFS) Well... 448 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:18,640 - Cos that's proper sexist, Vicar. - What? 449 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:22,880 Well, you're saying if you're a girl and you wanna find love, 450 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,880 - you've gotta hang around cafes all day. - No, no, no. 451 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,240 Like cattle in a cattle market, 452 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,800 just waiting for blokes to come around and pick 'em off. 453 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,000 That's...that's proper prehistoric, Vicar. 454 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,400 (REV FRANCIS STUTTERS) 455 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,160 Well, I can see how it might be misconstrued, 456 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,960 but I certainly didn't mean it that way. 457 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,840 Well, just don't...don't apologise to me, 458 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,440 apologise to all the women out there. 459 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,680 What? 460 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:53,640 Sorry. 461 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,600 Well, my mum might be happy now with Dad, 462 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,400 but she's living in a dreamland. 463 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,440 Mum? 464 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,320 I couldn't have a quick word, could I? 465 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,600 Because it's exactly like 466 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,400 when I was best mates with Dan Shelton in year 9, 467 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:16,800 and Kurtan was like, 468 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,600 "You know he's not mates with you because of your personality, 469 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,840 "he's only mates with you cos you've got Tekken 3 470 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,920 "on the PlayStation One." 471 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,080 And, at first, that was really hard to hear, 472 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:29,400 but, you know, it was sort of liberating in a way 473 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:33,120 because it meant that I could be Yoshimitsu, 474 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,400 because he always used to have to be Yoshimitsu and I'd be Heihachi. 475 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,640 And Heihachi is not my fighting style, 476 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,600 Yoshimitsu is. 477 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,040 No, I know. 478 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:46,760 He is. 479 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:52,880 Yeah, I just... 480 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,480 Do you want a cup of tea? 481 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,000 Wagon Wheel? 482 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,480 Yeah, I'll get you a Wagon Wheel. 483 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:25,000 - You wanted to see me, Vicar? - Yes, have a seat. 484 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,560 Um, right, well, er... 485 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,720 Well, firstly... 486 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,680 (EXHALES) ...I just wanted to say 487 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,200 what fantastic progress you've made 488 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,640 and, um, er, I think it's really important 489 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,920 that you keep on with this positive new attitude, 490 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,400 um, no matter what happens. 491 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,200 Yeah, well, er, 492 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,840 anything's possible now I got Cynthia, and that's all down to you, Vicar. 493 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:50,920 Um, yes. 494 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,240 Um, so, well, the thing is, er, 495 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:59,000 I'm afraid I have to tell you something about Cynthia. 496 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,240 Yeah? What? 497 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:05,320 (SIGHS) And it's... Well, it's not good news, unfortunately. 498 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:08,960 What is it? 499 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,120 Well, um... 500 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,040 Right. 501 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,000 What you need to know is that, um... 502 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,480 I'm afraid Cynthia is... 503 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:22,680 Dead. 504 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:30,320 What? 505 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,720 The police... 506 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,680 ...rang the vicar this morning... 507 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,440 ...to tell him to tell you that she'd died... 508 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,080 ...unfortunately. 509 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,920 How did she die? 510 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:51,640 Um... 511 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,360 Oh, well, I actually... 512 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,520 I don't know, er, Vicar took the call. 513 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,160 How did she die, Vicar? 514 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:09,280 Well, she hit her head quite badly, unfortunately. 515 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:10,440 How? 516 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,320 She f... 517 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,680 She fell down the stairs. 518 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,320 (STIFLES SOBS) 519 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,640 But, Len, Len... 520 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,480 ...just before she left this world... 521 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,800 ...she said that despite never having met you... 522 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:47,320 ...she was so proud of everything you'd achieved 523 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,200 and that you'll never be alone... 524 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:54,840 ...because she'll always, always be with you. 525 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,280 Thank you for telling me, Vicar. 526 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:09,080 KURTAN: Well, sometimes honesty is not always the best policy. 527 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:14,160 Basically, I realised that the only way to keep Cynthia alive was to kill her. 528 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,960 Well, er... 529 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,000 But I do wish we'd been a little more on the same page 530 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,640 at the start of the chat with Len, though. 531 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,000 No, I... No, I take that in, yeah, definitely. 532 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,760 You know, if we had a bit more time, we could've been more creative. 533 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,480 Yeah, let her go out with a bang, why not? 534 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,440 I mean, who falls down stairs these days? It's not Homer Simpson. 535 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,640 REV FRANCIS: Watch out for the stingers. 536 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,920 - Wow. - Have a look at that. 537 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,800 - Look at that, Ker. - Not bad, eh? 538 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,360 KURTAN: Do you know what? I don't think we've ever been up here. 539 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:01,920 And I thought maybe this would be an appropriate place 540 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:03,680 to release Cynthia's lantern. 541 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,120 Yeah, it's perfect. 542 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:11,640 - Lower it down, Vicar. - Lower it? 543 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:13,360 - Lower it. - Lower it. 544 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,680 Trust me, I have experience in lighting the shit up stuff. 545 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,720 - Here we go! - All right? Here we go. 546 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,000 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, here we go! - Let it go! 547 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:24,640 Go. 548 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,480 Yeah, yeah! 549 00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:28,040 - Yes! - Go on! 550 00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,120 - There she goes! - Go on! 551 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,440 ALL: Oooh! 552 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,040 Oh, isn't that lovely? There she goes, Len. 553 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:45,320 Yeah, you know, those are the biggest killer of barn owls. 554 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,520 - What are? - Them lanterns. 555 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,440 Oh. Oh, no, really? 556 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:52,600 Yeah. It gets entangled in the debris. 557 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:54,040 - Yeah. - Oh, no. 558 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,440 And cows die from 'em as well, cos they eat the metal parts. 559 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,360 REV FRANCIS: Well, I really wish you'd told me that before we'd lit it.