1 00:00:02,606 --> 00:00:04,375 ("Weird Al" Yankovic sings) 2 00:00:06,279 --> 00:00:08,216 (playing The Simpsons theme) 3 00:00:20,975 --> 00:00:23,013 - (cheering) - So weird. 4 00:00:23,113 --> 00:00:25,718 - So, can I stay for dinner? - No. 5 00:00:27,221 --> 00:00:29,458 (accordion resumes playing theme) 6 00:00:30,662 --> 00:00:32,699 (Yankovic vocalizes) 7 00:00:37,408 --> 00:00:39,513 NARRATOR: And they'll toot their horn-honkers 8 00:00:39,613 --> 00:00:41,249 to proclaim its renown. 9 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:43,621 But there's one tale the townsfolk 10 00:00:43,621 --> 00:00:45,257 won't brag of or bray. 11 00:00:45,257 --> 00:00:47,562 It's what happened on Springfield's 12 00:00:47,562 --> 00:00:50,334 dum-dummiest day. 13 00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:52,438 (snoring) 14 00:00:56,714 --> 00:00:59,218 Ach! The grid is overloaded. 15 00:00:59,218 --> 00:01:03,260 But who and how and where and what for? 16 00:01:04,028 --> 00:01:05,832 Ach! Eek! 17 00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:06,934 Loch! Ewan! 18 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,270 Crivvens! 19 00:01:08,370 --> 00:01:10,140 - (cackling) - My precious grid. 20 00:01:10,140 --> 00:01:13,446 One more daft device and she'll explode. 21 00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:18,189 No! 22 00:01:23,534 --> 00:01:25,470 (coughing) 23 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:29,980 Dear God, to mitigate the smell of emulsified eggs and vinegar, 24 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,117 we'll have to close the school for weeks. 25 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:33,821 - (cheering, whooping) - Yay! - Awesome. 26 00:01:33,921 --> 00:01:35,223 - That's great! - All right! 27 00:01:35,223 --> 00:01:36,560 You clearly misheard me. 28 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,965 I said the school will be closed. 29 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:42,204 And we said, "woo-hoo," "awesome," 30 00:01:42,304 --> 00:01:44,442 and "that's great." 31 00:01:44,442 --> 00:01:46,446 ANNOUNCER: You're watching SportsCenter Classic. 32 00:01:46,547 --> 00:01:50,387 Stay tuned for more exciting baseball scores from 1986. 33 00:01:50,387 --> 00:01:52,024 1986. 34 00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:54,028 I was two years old then. 35 00:01:54,028 --> 00:01:55,665 Or was I 30? 36 00:01:55,765 --> 00:01:57,569 COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Stressed out from IRS troubles? 37 00:01:57,569 --> 00:01:58,738 Irreversible Mortgage? 38 00:01:58,738 --> 00:02:01,209 Chockaholic's Foot, formerly known as diabetes? 39 00:02:01,342 --> 00:02:03,246 I can make those stresses disappear 40 00:02:03,246 --> 00:02:04,683 like a shattered backboard. 41 00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:07,856 (gasps) Late-night commercial legend Shaquille O'Neal? 42 00:02:07,956 --> 00:02:09,559 You need Tightie Mighties, 43 00:02:09,559 --> 00:02:11,262 the compression underwear with the proven 44 00:02:11,362 --> 00:02:14,201 nerve-soothing properties of copper wire. 45 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:15,905 Operators are standing by. 46 00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:17,609 It's a slam dunk. 47 00:02:17,609 --> 00:02:20,314 (gasps) That's the best kind of dunk. 48 00:02:21,149 --> 00:02:22,752 For crying out loud. 49 00:02:22,752 --> 00:02:24,121 I said no more buying junk 50 00:02:24,221 --> 00:02:26,927 from late-night ads on basic cable. 51 00:02:26,927 --> 00:02:28,597 Look at all this stuff. 52 00:02:28,698 --> 00:02:30,635 Unkinkable garden hoses, 53 00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:31,870 squatty potties. 54 00:02:31,870 --> 00:02:35,444 Why do you need the world's most powerful flashlight? 55 00:02:35,545 --> 00:02:36,547 Aah! 56 00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:39,118 - It has the most lumens. - (grunts) 57 00:02:39,218 --> 00:02:42,458 These late-night cable hucksters are getting rich 58 00:02:42,559 --> 00:02:45,364 off gullible people like you. 59 00:02:45,364 --> 00:02:47,167 Oh, no, you're right. 60 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,973 I'm as stupid as the guy who couldn't make spaghetti 61 00:02:50,073 --> 00:02:53,046 before he bought the Spaghetti Samurai. 62 00:02:53,146 --> 00:02:54,081 (snoring) 63 00:02:54,081 --> 00:02:55,150 LISA: Dad, wake up. 64 00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:57,021 Get up, dummy. 65 00:02:57,021 --> 00:02:58,023 (stammers) Huh? 66 00:02:58,123 --> 00:02:59,258 This is our classroom 67 00:02:59,258 --> 00:03:01,797 until our school doesn't smell like eggs. 68 00:03:01,797 --> 00:03:04,603 (shudders) Homeschooling. 69 00:03:04,703 --> 00:03:07,742 Every half-assed parent's nightmare. 70 00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,355 Oh... 71 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:19,666 First law of robotics: 72 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:21,537 you suck. 73 00:03:21,537 --> 00:03:24,810 Okay, so, if I have $500 in the bank, 74 00:03:24,910 --> 00:03:27,582 and your mother wants to take two-thirds of it 75 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,253 to buy a purse, when her old purse 76 00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,024 is just fine... 77 00:03:32,024 --> 00:03:34,195 You? $500 in the bank? 78 00:03:34,195 --> 00:03:36,299 What are you teaching him, science fiction? 79 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:39,773 No, real fiction, Luann. It's real fiction. 80 00:03:39,873 --> 00:03:41,677 (bell clangs) 81 00:03:41,777 --> 00:03:43,213 Okay, class, 82 00:03:43,313 --> 00:03:46,219 it's time for our unit on Springfield history. 83 00:03:46,219 --> 00:03:48,791 Ooh, more pumpkin stickers for me. 84 00:03:48,891 --> 00:03:52,297 I still got room for one more between my toes. 85 00:03:52,297 --> 00:03:54,536 (shuddering laugh) 86 00:03:54,636 --> 00:03:55,805 "Chapter four: 87 00:03:55,805 --> 00:03:57,776 a Great Endeavor." 88 00:03:59,211 --> 00:04:00,882 Today, we christen 89 00:04:00,882 --> 00:04:03,219 the Great Springfield Gazebo, 90 00:04:03,353 --> 00:04:05,825 wherein romance-minded gentlemen 91 00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:07,862 the world over may come 92 00:04:07,862 --> 00:04:09,365 to court their intendeds. 93 00:04:09,365 --> 00:04:11,469 This grand new structure 94 00:04:11,469 --> 00:04:13,373 shall make Springfield 95 00:04:13,373 --> 00:04:16,479 the woo-pitching capital of America. 96 00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:24,261 Gentlemen, start your ukuleles. 97 00:04:24,361 --> 00:04:27,234 GENTLEMEN: ♪ I will always ♪ 98 00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,271 ♪ Be true ♪ 99 00:04:29,271 --> 00:04:31,643 ♪ Spend my days ♪ 100 00:04:31,643 --> 00:04:33,948 ♪ Pitching woo ♪ 101 00:04:33,948 --> 00:04:35,350 ♪ To you... ♪ 102 00:04:35,350 --> 00:04:37,856 (ladies giggling, swooning) 103 00:04:37,856 --> 00:04:38,891 Oh, God, oh, dear God, um, 104 00:04:38,891 --> 00:04:41,262 we didn't account for the harmonic frequency 105 00:04:41,362 --> 00:04:44,401 of the wooing. It's too romantic! 106 00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,840 Please, I beg you, stop making love 107 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,679 in the old-timey sense as we understand it today. 108 00:04:49,679 --> 00:04:52,117 ♪ Not a moment I'll rue ♪ 109 00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:54,121 ♪ As I serenade you ♪ 110 00:04:54,221 --> 00:04:56,425 ♪ My sweet ♪ 111 00:04:56,425 --> 00:05:00,501 ♪ Mary Lou. ♪ 112 00:05:03,273 --> 00:05:05,277 MARGE: Glory turned to fiasco 113 00:05:05,277 --> 00:05:08,016 for the disgraced Mayor of Springfield, 114 00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:10,120 Eustace Van Houten. 115 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,957 (coughs) 116 00:05:11,957 --> 00:05:14,428 Aw, soup crackers. 117 00:05:14,529 --> 00:05:16,934 - MAN 1: Charlatan! - MAN 2: Mountebank! 118 00:05:17,034 --> 00:05:18,571 WOMAN: Dunderhead! 119 00:05:18,571 --> 00:05:21,577 Dad, was he one of our relatives? 120 00:05:21,577 --> 00:05:25,283 Yeah, he was your great-great-grandfather. 121 00:05:25,417 --> 00:05:27,555 Not so great, I guess. 122 00:05:27,555 --> 00:05:31,062 So, the Van Houtens have always been losers. 123 00:05:31,162 --> 00:05:33,767 Not true, son. Hey, your granddad 124 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,673 once prepared a Caesar salad for Dean Martin, 125 00:05:36,773 --> 00:05:38,443 right at the table. (chuckles) 126 00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:41,550 Fine, Dad. I'm gonna go to Phys Ed. 127 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:44,388 We're doing swimming today. 128 00:05:50,066 --> 00:05:51,202 Mm... 129 00:05:51,202 --> 00:05:52,437 (sighs) 130 00:05:52,437 --> 00:05:53,874 My life is hard enough, 131 00:05:53,874 --> 00:05:56,847 now I find out that the school is teaching my son 132 00:05:56,847 --> 00:06:00,120 that every one of his ancestors is a loser. 133 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,823 (groans) 134 00:06:01,823 --> 00:06:05,063 I bought so many stupid useless products. 135 00:06:05,163 --> 00:06:07,334 Pretzel Straightener, Face Bidet, 136 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,606 - Spray-on Music. - (rattles) 137 00:06:09,706 --> 00:06:11,910 (The Price is Right losing horns playing) 138 00:06:14,516 --> 00:06:16,620 I'm financially ruined, 139 00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:18,591 and it's all his fault. 140 00:06:18,591 --> 00:06:21,563 Now your belly button can live the lint-free lifestyle 141 00:06:21,563 --> 00:06:23,433 with the Navel Vac. 142 00:06:23,433 --> 00:06:25,370 And she'll like it, too. 143 00:06:25,370 --> 00:06:26,673 She didn't. 144 00:06:26,673 --> 00:06:28,877 Shaq, you suckered me again. 145 00:06:28,877 --> 00:06:31,984 Hey, hey, hey. I will not have you badmouthing 146 00:06:31,984 --> 00:06:33,419 Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal. 147 00:06:33,419 --> 00:06:34,990 Four-time NBA champ, 148 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,793 rapper, actor, sheriff, 149 00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:39,431 restaurateur, black belt in Shaq-Fu, 150 00:06:39,431 --> 00:06:41,202 Shaq belt in kung fu, 151 00:06:41,202 --> 00:06:43,039 and now the Big Aristotle dominates 152 00:06:43,039 --> 00:06:44,208 the late-night airwaves. 153 00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:46,345 He is living proof that anybody 154 00:06:46,345 --> 00:06:47,949 can make their dreams come true. 155 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:51,723 You're right. If I could just think of one thing to sell 156 00:06:51,723 --> 00:06:54,361 that nobody needs and everybody wants, 157 00:06:54,361 --> 00:06:55,765 I could pay off my bills 158 00:06:55,765 --> 00:06:58,436 and be a super-success like Shaq. 159 00:06:58,537 --> 00:07:00,741 And you, Big Milhouse, stop whining. 160 00:07:00,741 --> 00:07:02,545 Somebody calls your family a loser, 161 00:07:02,545 --> 00:07:04,348 you stand up for yourself. 162 00:07:04,348 --> 00:07:06,152 I will. 163 00:07:06,152 --> 00:07:08,456 (inspirational music playing) 164 00:07:09,759 --> 00:07:12,598 SKINNER: On behalf of the school board, I declare 165 00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:14,769 school is officially reopened. 166 00:07:14,769 --> 00:07:18,577 Let the free childcare and intermittent learning resume. 167 00:07:18,677 --> 00:07:21,215 I'm here to officially protest the teaching 168 00:07:21,215 --> 00:07:23,887 of the Great Springfield Gazebo Disaster. 169 00:07:23,887 --> 00:07:26,292 It makes our children hate our town 170 00:07:26,392 --> 00:07:28,296 and me hate myself. 171 00:07:28,396 --> 00:07:29,799 The Gazebo Disaster? 172 00:07:29,799 --> 00:07:32,972 But we plan to tread water on that unit for months. 173 00:07:32,972 --> 00:07:34,241 We're doing two weeks 174 00:07:34,241 --> 00:07:37,147 on the substandard metal bracing alone. 175 00:07:37,147 --> 00:07:38,316 Not anymore. 176 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,153 I demand that you ban 177 00:07:40,253 --> 00:07:42,859 Critical Brace Theory now. 178 00:07:42,959 --> 00:07:45,330 Sir, we're not changing our curriculum 179 00:07:45,330 --> 00:07:48,136 just to shore up the wet cardboard lean-to 180 00:07:48,136 --> 00:07:50,407 that is your family self-esteem. 181 00:07:50,407 --> 00:07:52,344 Then you leave me one choice. 182 00:07:52,344 --> 00:07:54,415 Until you meet my demands, 183 00:07:54,415 --> 00:07:57,622 I'm going to play this trumpet, on which 184 00:07:57,722 --> 00:08:00,928 I have no formal training. 185 00:08:00,928 --> 00:08:02,565 (dissonant playing) 186 00:08:02,665 --> 00:08:05,070 - Aah! - Mr. Van Houten, if we, 187 00:08:05,170 --> 00:08:06,372 uh, if we could just... 188 00:08:06,372 --> 00:08:08,977 Look, there's no need for brass instruments. 189 00:08:08,977 --> 00:08:11,983 For 30 years, we've been pleading with parents 190 00:08:11,983 --> 00:08:13,486 to get more involved. 191 00:08:13,486 --> 00:08:16,025 - What the hell were we thinking? - (Marge grumbles) 192 00:08:22,104 --> 00:08:23,406 I know Kirk is angry, 193 00:08:23,406 --> 00:08:25,210 but I'm a little worried this meeting 194 00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:27,047 will go off the rails. 195 00:08:27,180 --> 00:08:29,018 Marge, stop saying things. 196 00:08:29,018 --> 00:08:31,188 I'm trying to think of an amazing product 197 00:08:31,188 --> 00:08:32,992 that can get us out of debt. 198 00:08:33,092 --> 00:08:34,829 Uh... um... 199 00:08:34,829 --> 00:08:37,467 Handgun Underpants? Mm, no. 200 00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:39,238 Uh, Bucket in a Box? 201 00:08:39,238 --> 00:08:41,475 Spoon 2.0? Steak Bedazzler? 202 00:08:41,475 --> 00:08:42,779 Oh... 203 00:08:42,779 --> 00:08:44,983 (clears throat) Yes, we are all here 204 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:48,356 because one lone parent raised an issue 205 00:08:48,456 --> 00:08:50,628 that he thinks is worth me missing 206 00:08:50,628 --> 00:08:52,532 the new Equalizer starring 207 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,368 that delightful Queen Latifah. 208 00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:56,840 Kirk! You, regrettably, 209 00:08:56,940 --> 00:08:58,242 have the floor. 210 00:08:58,376 --> 00:08:59,646 We need to stop teaching 211 00:08:59,646 --> 00:09:03,520 that my great-grandfather's gazebo was a disaster. 212 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,292 But it was, and it was his fault. 213 00:09:06,392 --> 00:09:09,699 His dying words were, "My bad." 214 00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:11,503 So? Why can't our kids learn 215 00:09:11,503 --> 00:09:13,540 about things that make our town proud? 216 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,578 Like, how if you want to make a right on red, 217 00:09:15,578 --> 00:09:17,515 it's usually not a problem. 218 00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:20,320 Why do we have to focus on the bad stuff? 219 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,759 (indistinct chatter) 220 00:09:22,759 --> 00:09:25,330 We completely disagree. 221 00:09:25,463 --> 00:09:29,338 It's essential that all of Springfield's darkest chapters 222 00:09:29,338 --> 00:09:31,475 be taught: the monorail, 223 00:09:31,576 --> 00:09:32,779 Lady Gaga's visit, 224 00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:34,983 and the gazebo collapse. 225 00:09:34,983 --> 00:09:37,855 If our kids aren't made to feel ashamed of the past, 226 00:09:37,855 --> 00:09:41,563 how will they learn to be ashamed of the future? 227 00:09:41,563 --> 00:09:42,565 (indistinct chatter) 228 00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:43,934 Look at my son. 229 00:09:44,034 --> 00:09:46,439 You think he needs to feel worse about himself 230 00:09:46,439 --> 00:09:49,311 than he already clearly does? (grunts) 231 00:09:49,311 --> 00:09:52,184 You are doing this to him! 232 00:09:52,184 --> 00:09:54,188 (cheering) 233 00:09:54,288 --> 00:09:56,425 I agree with the bald lady. 234 00:09:56,425 --> 00:09:58,564 Why does history have to be hurtful? 235 00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:00,233 Every book about World War II 236 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,572 makes the Germans the bad guys. 237 00:10:02,672 --> 00:10:04,542 Stop teaching facts! 238 00:10:04,542 --> 00:10:06,580 Historical guilt is everything. 239 00:10:06,713 --> 00:10:09,752 You snowflakes are hurting our feelings. 240 00:10:09,853 --> 00:10:12,257 Those who cannot remember the past 241 00:10:12,257 --> 00:10:13,994 are condemned to repeat it. 242 00:10:14,094 --> 00:10:17,267 On the other hand, those who cannot remember the past 243 00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:19,506 are condemned to repeat it. 244 00:10:19,606 --> 00:10:21,910 People, people, people! People. 245 00:10:21,910 --> 00:10:24,649 We are not going to settle this tonight. 246 00:10:24,649 --> 00:10:26,620 I move that we end this meeting 247 00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:28,724 with everyone angry and dissatisfied. 248 00:10:28,724 --> 00:10:30,126 All in favor? 249 00:10:30,126 --> 00:10:31,630 ALL: Boo! 250 00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:33,800 Wonderful. It's unanimous. 251 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,636 Mm. 252 00:10:34,736 --> 00:10:36,640 Dad, I know this is a weird thing 253 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,777 for a son to say to his father, 254 00:10:38,877 --> 00:10:40,714 but I'm proud of you. 255 00:10:40,815 --> 00:10:43,352 You actually convinced people. 256 00:10:43,452 --> 00:10:44,622 I did? 257 00:10:44,756 --> 00:10:46,458 You the man, Kirk. 258 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,599 - I am? - No, you the my man. 259 00:10:49,699 --> 00:10:51,101 This marriage may have 260 00:10:51,101 --> 00:10:53,740 just got un-sexless. 261 00:10:54,776 --> 00:10:57,347 It's so sad when people can't get along. 262 00:10:57,347 --> 00:10:59,586 It causes upsetment. 263 00:10:59,586 --> 00:11:01,790 Marge, people need to disagree 264 00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:03,259 and have their voice shouted over. 265 00:11:03,259 --> 00:11:06,666 That's what democracy was. Remember that? 266 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,806 But everyone in this country is so divided. 267 00:11:09,806 --> 00:11:13,246 Where will all this hostility lead? 268 00:11:14,114 --> 00:11:15,584 I'll tell you where it leads, Homer. 269 00:11:15,584 --> 00:11:18,790 Straight to the bank-- the money bank. 270 00:11:19,692 --> 00:11:20,995 - (backboard clanks) - This is the idea 271 00:11:20,995 --> 00:11:23,232 - you've been looking for. - It is? 272 00:11:23,232 --> 00:11:26,005 What's the one thing every American has in common? 273 00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:28,744 (gasps) They're furious all the time 274 00:11:28,744 --> 00:11:30,380 about everything. 275 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,716 Ex-Shaq-ly. 276 00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:34,756 Now, think-- how can you make money from that? 277 00:11:34,756 --> 00:11:38,764 I know just what to do. 278 00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:40,199 Hurry up, everyone! 279 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,337 My thing's coming on. 280 00:11:42,437 --> 00:11:45,210 The thing I never told you about. 281 00:11:45,310 --> 00:11:47,247 Are you full of anger at your kids' school 282 00:11:47,347 --> 00:11:48,550 or at life in general? 283 00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:50,019 You know it. 284 00:11:50,119 --> 00:11:52,390 Well, now you can express your scalding hot rage 285 00:11:52,390 --> 00:11:53,927 with the light-up "Me-Shirt." 286 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:57,868 Why, that's so obnoxious. I love it. 287 00:11:57,969 --> 00:12:00,173 The Me-Shirt has dozens of snappy slogans 288 00:12:00,173 --> 00:12:01,910 tailor-made for your recently-acquired 289 00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:03,914 but deeply-held views. 290 00:12:03,914 --> 00:12:06,318 "Never Remember," "The Truth Will Make You Sad," 291 00:12:06,318 --> 00:12:08,790 and "Don't Teach on Me." 292 00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:11,529 Plus, the copper-infused fiber that powers the lights 293 00:12:11,529 --> 00:12:13,065 gives you more energy 294 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,704 and pushes all the blood to your face. 295 00:12:15,704 --> 00:12:19,746 I'll never look not angry again. 296 00:12:19,846 --> 00:12:22,250 Wow, Dad, way to milk the rage-bucks 297 00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:23,687 out of the red hat crowd. 298 00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:25,791 Well, I found it appalling. 299 00:12:25,791 --> 00:12:28,830 We have a shirt for you, too. 300 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,703 Oh, hi there. You caught me wearing 301 00:12:31,703 --> 00:12:33,439 my carbon-neutral light-up shirt 302 00:12:33,439 --> 00:12:34,909 with progressive slogans like: 303 00:12:34,909 --> 00:12:36,613 "Shame On Us," "I Know Best," 304 00:12:36,613 --> 00:12:41,155 and "Who farted? All the cows raised by the beef industry!" 305 00:12:41,155 --> 00:12:42,257 That's despicable. 306 00:12:42,257 --> 00:12:44,595 Though that fart slogan makes a good point. 307 00:12:44,696 --> 00:12:47,400 You're pitting people against each other. 308 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,308 Lisa, that's what the T-shirt industry has always done, 309 00:12:51,408 --> 00:12:53,245 ever since "I'm With Stupid." 310 00:12:53,245 --> 00:12:57,287 Now, Daddy's just giving "stupid" a chance to respond. 311 00:12:57,287 --> 00:12:58,657 (phone rings) 312 00:12:58,757 --> 00:12:59,759 Ooh! They're responding. 313 00:12:59,926 --> 00:13:03,332 Tell me who you hate and I'll get it right out to you. 314 00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:05,504 ♪ ♪ 315 00:13:12,852 --> 00:13:15,156 Yeah, I-I just want to say one thing 316 00:13:15,156 --> 00:13:17,828 to your millions and millions of viewers: 317 00:13:17,828 --> 00:13:21,268 I'm being silenced! 318 00:13:23,907 --> 00:13:26,513 In all this discord, if there's one thing 319 00:13:26,513 --> 00:13:30,153 that can bring us all together, it's the holidays. 320 00:13:30,153 --> 00:13:32,591 I don't know. The Christmas spirit 321 00:13:32,591 --> 00:13:34,562 just feels different this year. 322 00:13:35,496 --> 00:13:38,235 - Nice shirt. - Go to hell. 323 00:13:39,539 --> 00:13:42,110 Stop the celebration! 324 00:13:42,110 --> 00:13:45,383 Oh, for the love of nog, these loonies again? 325 00:13:45,483 --> 00:13:47,020 Yeah, and we won't stop looning 326 00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:51,195 until you stop teaching that the gazebo was a disaster. 327 00:13:51,195 --> 00:13:52,898 But people died. 328 00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:55,704 That's why I'm an orphan. 329 00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:58,009 Oh, this guy's a crisis actor. 330 00:13:58,109 --> 00:14:00,213 How come every bad thing 331 00:14:00,213 --> 00:14:03,019 seems to conveniently happen to him? 332 00:14:03,019 --> 00:14:06,258 - (screeches) - Aah! Aah! 333 00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:09,799 We must never forget the gazebo, 334 00:14:09,899 --> 00:14:12,070 the victims who lost their lives, 335 00:14:12,070 --> 00:14:15,476 and the suitors who lost their ukuleles. 336 00:14:15,476 --> 00:14:17,080 Martin? 337 00:14:18,082 --> 00:14:21,890 ♪ There's a story that goes of the big gazebo ♪ 338 00:14:21,990 --> 00:14:25,964 ♪ That fell down one breezy June Sunday ♪ 339 00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:27,935 ♪ The mayor, it's said ♪ 340 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,872 ♪ Had rocks in his head ♪ 341 00:14:29,872 --> 00:14:33,780 ♪ And he went by the name of Van Houten... ♪ 342 00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:34,916 My history! 343 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,418 ALL: My choice! 344 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,757 Our gazebo was "noice!" 345 00:14:38,757 --> 00:14:40,694 Please, please, everyone. 346 00:14:40,694 --> 00:14:42,497 It's the holidays. 347 00:14:42,598 --> 00:14:45,103 Can't we just find common ground and compromise? 348 00:14:45,103 --> 00:14:48,242 I mean, the one thing both sides can agree on 349 00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:51,415 is that we all care about our kids, 350 00:14:51,415 --> 00:14:52,918 equally. 351 00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:55,356 Marge, you are so right, 352 00:14:55,356 --> 00:14:57,360 but there's only one side that I'm afraid 353 00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,399 will burn this whole godforsaken town to the ground. 354 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,503 Burn it! 355 00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:04,207 Stop teaching the damn gazebo collapse. 356 00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:08,048 Mr. Mayor, my whole career, I have fought tirelessly to... 357 00:15:08,048 --> 00:15:09,986 Damn it, Gary, it's just one thing. 358 00:15:10,086 --> 00:15:12,123 Fine. Who gives a crap? 359 00:15:12,123 --> 00:15:15,697 Wow. I actually won something. 360 00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,735 Let's get ready 361 00:15:17,735 --> 00:15:20,406 to meddle! 362 00:15:20,507 --> 00:15:22,812 (cheering) 363 00:15:22,812 --> 00:15:26,251 Oh. I'm getting a sick feeling in my stomach. 364 00:15:26,251 --> 00:15:29,324 Oh, don't worry so much, honey. 365 00:15:29,324 --> 00:15:32,096 People just want to feel proud of our town. 366 00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:34,969 And remember, I'm still on the school board, 367 00:15:35,069 --> 00:15:36,271 so I can be a guardrail 368 00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:39,111 to keep Kirk's worst impulses in check. 369 00:15:39,111 --> 00:15:42,350 I mean, how bad can it be? 370 00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:44,689 (bombastic music playing over speakers) 371 00:15:51,001 --> 00:15:53,005 Wow, I can't believe all this happened 372 00:15:53,005 --> 00:15:55,109 in only three weeks. 373 00:16:02,558 --> 00:16:05,129 NARRATOR: So the people surrendered to Van Houten's wishes, 374 00:16:05,129 --> 00:16:07,535 and his face was on everything, 375 00:16:07,535 --> 00:16:08,937 even knishes. 376 00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:11,509 But for Springfield, the outcome 377 00:16:11,509 --> 00:16:13,479 was rather pernicious. 378 00:16:13,479 --> 00:16:16,686 ANNOUNCER: It's the Channel 6 News with Kent Brockman. 379 00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:19,324 ♪ ♪ 380 00:16:19,324 --> 00:16:21,563 (cheering) 381 00:16:23,098 --> 00:16:26,205 Brought to you by Homer's House of Copper-ganda, 382 00:16:26,205 --> 00:16:29,912 your one-stop shop for form-fitting Kirk-wear. 383 00:16:29,912 --> 00:16:31,716 Good evening, and all hail Kirk. 384 00:16:31,716 --> 00:16:33,152 Our top story: 385 00:16:33,252 --> 00:16:35,858 The Springfield bookmobile visits a local landmark, 386 00:16:35,858 --> 00:16:38,462 which is getting a new name. 387 00:16:38,462 --> 00:16:40,032 I re-christen thee 388 00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:41,503 The Eternal Flame 389 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:44,140 of Redaction and Beauty. 390 00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,746 You said you'd only burn half the books. 391 00:16:46,846 --> 00:16:48,282 Half? No way. 392 00:16:48,282 --> 00:16:50,152 This is all part of my plan 393 00:16:50,253 --> 00:16:54,060 to turn eyesores into pride-sores. 394 00:16:58,435 --> 00:16:59,605 (cheering) 395 00:17:05,551 --> 00:17:07,420 I didn't sleep a wink. 396 00:17:07,521 --> 00:17:11,194 I can fix that. I'll adjust your copper number. 397 00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:16,305 Aah! (exclaiming) 398 00:17:16,305 --> 00:17:19,010 Homer, things are terrible in this town. 399 00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:21,148 Kirk got a little bit of power to control 400 00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,587 what the kids learn and he went cuckoo with it, 401 00:17:23,587 --> 00:17:25,223 and we helped him. 402 00:17:25,323 --> 00:17:26,993 I just really thought I could be 403 00:17:26,993 --> 00:17:29,197 the grown-up in the room. 404 00:17:29,197 --> 00:17:31,335 Yeah, 'cause that always works. 405 00:17:31,335 --> 00:17:34,307 I've got to do something to save Springfield 406 00:17:34,307 --> 00:17:36,311 and I need you to help me. 407 00:17:36,311 --> 00:17:38,984 Great idea. What's in it for me? 408 00:17:39,084 --> 00:17:41,756 Homer, what does it profit a man 409 00:17:41,856 --> 00:17:43,192 if he gains the world 410 00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:45,530 but loses his soul? 411 00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:47,400 Uh, he gains the world. 412 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,939 (gasps) I got to put that on a shirt. 413 00:17:49,939 --> 00:17:51,475 D'oh... 414 00:17:55,717 --> 00:17:57,453 Hey there, great leader. 415 00:17:57,453 --> 00:18:00,627 You're looking especially non-repulsive today. 416 00:18:00,627 --> 00:18:04,067 With great power comes great "you have to like me." 417 00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:06,071 - (chuckles) Mwah. - (moans) 418 00:18:06,204 --> 00:18:07,708 (both moaning) 419 00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:09,812 Um, uh, e-excuse me. 420 00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:12,685 Marge, my guardrail. Have a seat. 421 00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:16,325 So, what's the good word? 422 00:18:16,325 --> 00:18:19,064 And I only want good words. 423 00:18:19,064 --> 00:18:21,836 Ugh. I know you don't want to hear it, Kirk, 424 00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,341 but our schools are a disaster. 425 00:18:24,341 --> 00:18:26,044 Reading levels have plummeted 426 00:18:26,044 --> 00:18:28,984 because there are no books left for kids to read. 427 00:18:29,084 --> 00:18:31,923 Sure, but those books were bummers. 428 00:18:31,923 --> 00:18:33,225 They're not bummers, 429 00:18:33,225 --> 00:18:35,162 they're the sum of human knowledge. 430 00:18:35,162 --> 00:18:38,202 You can't base an entire society on ignorance 431 00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:40,373 and forgetting the past. 432 00:18:40,373 --> 00:18:42,110 Hmm. 433 00:18:42,110 --> 00:18:44,715 Marge, thank you for telling me all this. 434 00:18:44,715 --> 00:18:46,284 Top-notch guardrailing. 435 00:18:46,284 --> 00:18:50,627 I know now this moment calls for serious action. 436 00:18:51,929 --> 00:18:53,298 Damn it. 437 00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,436 (rock band playing) 438 00:18:55,436 --> 00:18:57,373 So how about this gazebo? 439 00:18:57,373 --> 00:19:00,279 It's twice as big as the original... 440 00:19:00,279 --> 00:19:02,785 which never existed. 441 00:19:02,885 --> 00:19:05,256 (cheering) 442 00:19:05,356 --> 00:19:08,095 I declare we have won the war 443 00:19:08,095 --> 00:19:09,965 against history. 444 00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:11,969 (cheering) 445 00:19:11,969 --> 00:19:13,873 It's time to rock out 446 00:19:13,873 --> 00:19:15,911 with your Kirk out. 447 00:19:17,013 --> 00:19:20,353 The past never happened! 448 00:19:21,488 --> 00:19:23,560 (whimpering) 449 00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:26,766 (grunting) 450 00:19:29,104 --> 00:19:30,239 What is happening? 451 00:19:30,239 --> 00:19:32,343 Uh, the electricity running through 452 00:19:32,443 --> 00:19:34,782 everyone's copper T-shirts has created 453 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,451 a massive electrical field 454 00:19:36,552 --> 00:19:39,257 and a full-fledged magnetic disturbance. 455 00:19:39,257 --> 00:19:40,827 Dumb it down for us. 456 00:19:40,827 --> 00:19:42,163 Well, I just did. 457 00:19:42,163 --> 00:19:43,767 (stammers) 458 00:19:43,867 --> 00:19:45,136 (groaning) 459 00:19:45,136 --> 00:19:47,875 Soup crackers! 460 00:19:47,875 --> 00:19:49,411 (crying) 461 00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:00,399 (groans) 462 00:20:02,136 --> 00:20:03,673 Attention, everyone. 463 00:20:03,673 --> 00:20:06,478 We learned something very important today. 464 00:20:06,579 --> 00:20:08,817 You can try to ignore history, 465 00:20:08,817 --> 00:20:10,987 but not science. 466 00:20:10,987 --> 00:20:13,058 No matter how much we deny it, 467 00:20:13,158 --> 00:20:14,929 science is real, 468 00:20:15,029 --> 00:20:17,634 and we must not anger her. 469 00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,638 (all assenting) 470 00:20:25,784 --> 00:20:27,487 And that became known as 471 00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:30,459 Springfield's Craziest, Kirkiest, 472 00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:34,300 Stupidest, Bloopidest Day. 473 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:37,708 How dare you teach that horrible story to my child. 474 00:20:37,708 --> 00:20:39,945 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 475 00:20:39,945 --> 00:20:41,949 and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 476 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:43,753 and TOYOTA. 477 00:20:43,753 --> 00:20:45,957 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 478 00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:53,540 MARTIN: ♪ There's a story that goes of the big gazebo ♪ 479 00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:56,278 ♪ That fell down one breezy June Sunday ♪ 480 00:20:56,378 --> 00:20:58,482 ♪ The mayor, it's said ♪ 481 00:20:58,482 --> 00:21:00,419 ♪ Had rocks in his head ♪ 482 00:21:00,419 --> 00:21:04,294 ♪ And he went by the name of Van Houten ♪ 483 00:21:04,294 --> 00:21:06,298 ♪ The pitching of woo ♪ 484 00:21:06,298 --> 00:21:08,035 ♪ Was heartfelt and true ♪ 485 00:21:08,035 --> 00:21:11,943 ♪ And it raised all the fair ladies' ardor ♪ 486 00:21:11,943 --> 00:21:14,114 ♪ But the braces gave way ♪ 487 00:21:14,114 --> 00:21:15,817 ♪ And the corpses, they say ♪ 488 00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:19,758 ♪ Stretched out to Lake Gobedygooby ♪ 489 00:21:19,758 --> 00:21:23,733 ♪ This song of wrecked steel and human ordeal ♪ 490 00:21:23,733 --> 00:21:27,875 ♪ Will go on for 20 more verses ♪ 491 00:21:27,875 --> 00:21:29,077 ♪ Gazebos are. ♪ 492 00:21:29,077 --> 00:21:30,680 Shh.