1
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:10,555
(humming)

2
00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:13,493
- (whirring)
- (grunting)

3
00:00:13,493 --> 00:00:14,530
- (clangs)
- Ow!

4
00:00:14,530 --> 00:00:16,800
Oh, for the love of
absolutely nothing, Toot.

5
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,103
Keep it down!

6
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:20,374
You're disturbing my customers!

7
00:00:20,374 --> 00:00:21,442
(snoring)

8
00:00:21,442 --> 00:00:23,313
- (squeaks)
- Start the board meeting
without me.

9
00:00:23,313 --> 00:00:25,417
(snoring)

10
00:00:25,417 --> 00:00:26,587
Oops.

11
00:00:26,587 --> 00:00:30,595
Is my new Kawabashi Leaf Ninja
set in show-off mode?

12
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:34,001
That's 500 CCs
just champing at the bit.

13
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,772
- (revs blower)
- Ow!

14
00:00:35,772 --> 00:00:37,976
My black-market
cochlear implant!

15
00:00:37,976 --> 00:00:40,314
Now let me blow
something else.

16
00:00:40,314 --> 00:00:41,482
Your mind.

17
00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:44,255
Ow! My black market
LASIK surgery!

18
00:00:44,255 --> 00:00:47,662
The youth hockey team
that I sponsor and coach

19
00:00:47,662 --> 00:00:49,265
won the championship this year.

20
00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:53,541
Trophies are what they give
to winners, when they win.

21
00:00:53,541 --> 00:00:56,012
F. Y. I.

22
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,383
Okay, stuff like this
is why Gayle left you.

23
00:00:58,383 --> 00:01:00,588
No one knows why Gayle left me,

24
00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:03,193
except for Gayle
and my more-handsome brother.

25
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:05,632
But don't let my success
get to you, Moe.

26
00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:08,804
Remember, just because
something good happens to me,

27
00:01:08,804 --> 00:01:10,508
you're a giant loser.

28
00:01:10,508 --> 00:01:13,948
Anyway, just something
for you to stew on.

29
00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:17,756
Right. Sure I am.
Me, stew. No way.

30
00:01:17,756 --> 00:01:20,294
Not stew, not me.
No stew.

31
00:01:20,294 --> 00:01:21,697
- Hey, Stu.
- (chuckles)

32
00:01:21,697 --> 00:01:22,799
Me, stew?

33
00:01:22,799 --> 00:01:26,941
I ain't spending one second
replaying my failures.

34
00:01:26,941 --> 00:01:28,644
(chuckles)

35
00:01:28,644 --> 00:01:31,115
Like how I don't got no money,
I got no education.

36
00:01:31,115 --> 00:01:33,253
My mattress
is a pallet of flyers

37
00:01:33,253 --> 00:01:34,455
I was supposed to deliver.

38
00:01:34,455 --> 00:01:36,827
How I was invited
to five different dinners

39
00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:38,263
for schmucks in one week.

40
00:01:38,263 --> 00:01:40,133
I only got one lightbulb,

41
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,204
which I got to take
from room to room.

42
00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:46,112
How every sex cult I join
turns into a suicide cult.

43
00:01:46,112 --> 00:01:49,051
I'm a speck.
No, I'm-I'm less than a speck.

44
00:01:49,051 --> 00:01:51,657
I'm nothing but, uh...
I'm a scuzz.

45
00:01:51,657 --> 00:01:52,792
Moe, what gives?

46
00:01:52,792 --> 00:01:55,732
You've been dwelling on your
failures for ten months.

47
00:01:55,732 --> 00:01:57,301
Why didn't you stop me?

48
00:01:57,301 --> 00:01:59,606
'Cause then we'd have
to touch your shoulder.

49
00:01:59,606 --> 00:02:00,775
(all shudder)

50
00:02:02,011 --> 00:02:03,981
Soccer season is over.

51
00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:07,187
The conquering
participant returns.

52
00:02:07,187 --> 00:02:09,392
Congratulations, sweetie.

53
00:02:09,392 --> 00:02:12,331
I know how hard you strived
to participate.

54
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:15,738
It wasn't easy,
but I did the bare minimum.

55
00:02:15,738 --> 00:02:19,145
Thanks for driving me to games
every Saturday, Dad.

56
00:02:19,145 --> 00:02:21,149
Well, I knew
it wouldn't last forever.

57
00:02:21,149 --> 00:02:23,153
And now,
with soccer season over,

58
00:02:23,153 --> 00:02:25,525
sitting season...

59
00:02:25,525 --> 00:02:27,161
begins.

60
00:02:27,161 --> 00:02:28,330
Homer, get up.

61
00:02:28,330 --> 00:02:31,102
Bart's first
junior hockey game is today.

62
00:02:31,102 --> 00:02:33,874
But-but kids' sports was over!

63
00:02:33,874 --> 00:02:36,547
It's great father-son bonding.

64
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:39,619
No. It's me driving
while Bart looks at his phone.

65
00:02:39,619 --> 00:02:41,990
Then it's Bart playing
while I look at my phone.

66
00:02:41,990 --> 00:02:45,030
Then me driving home while
we both look at our phones.

67
00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:48,403
That's what kids' sports is.

68
00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:50,808
Can I have some money
to bet on the games?

69
00:02:50,808 --> 00:02:53,046
♪

70
00:02:53,046 --> 00:02:54,348
(indistinct chatter)

71
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,252
- (whistle blows)
- Okay, diapers.

72
00:02:56,252 --> 00:02:57,555
I'm gonna tell you something

73
00:02:57,555 --> 00:03:00,460
no coach ever had the heart
to say to his players.

74
00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:04,301
You are only here
to fix my emotional problems.

75
00:03:05,505 --> 00:03:06,540
Yeah!

76
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,911
We're 20 games away
from me getting a trophy

77
00:03:08,911 --> 00:03:11,917
and six payments away
from me owning this whistle.

78
00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:13,788
Now, you all know the game plan.

79
00:03:13,788 --> 00:03:16,159
We suck except Bart,
so give him the stupid puck

80
00:03:16,159 --> 00:03:18,664
and then shut our stupid mouths,
you stupid pukes.

81
00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:21,102
Yeah, good job, uh,
kid who ain't Bart.

82
00:03:21,102 --> 00:03:23,239
Now let's go watch Bart do this!

83
00:03:23,239 --> 00:03:25,845
(cheering)

84
00:03:25,845 --> 00:03:27,882
♪

85
00:03:38,671 --> 00:03:40,775
(scoreboard buzzes)

86
00:03:40,775 --> 00:03:42,812
(cheering)

87
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,718
Oh, you're so done, Toot.

88
00:03:45,718 --> 00:03:47,589
(whoops)

89
00:03:47,589 --> 00:03:50,093
(laughter)

90
00:03:50,093 --> 00:03:52,599
(indistinct chatter)

91
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,468
(whispering)

92
00:03:56,874 --> 00:03:58,042
(grunts)

93
00:03:58,042 --> 00:04:02,251
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch...

94
00:04:02,251 --> 00:04:05,792
Oops. My biggest guy
took out your scorer.

95
00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:09,465
Hey, feel free to retaliate
with your biggest kid.

96
00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:11,537
Hmm.

97
00:04:11,537 --> 00:04:14,943
Put me in, Coach.
I'll rip him limb from limb.

98
00:04:14,943 --> 00:04:17,414
(grunting)

99
00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:19,285
Let me at him. (grunts)

100
00:04:21,824 --> 00:04:23,828
(grunting)

101
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,771
- The net ate my hockey cookie.
- (audience cheering)

102
00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:30,675
(crying)

103
00:04:31,643 --> 00:04:34,014
(buzzes)

104
00:04:34,014 --> 00:04:36,252
(groaning)

105
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,905
Wha...

106
00:04:45,905 --> 00:04:47,341
(gasps)

107
00:04:48,143 --> 00:04:49,579
(grunts)

108
00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:52,685
Oh, thank heavens.
An adult has arrived to help me.

109
00:04:52,685 --> 00:04:54,956
No, no, no.
I'm just here to observe.

110
00:04:54,956 --> 00:04:56,192
(grunts)

111
00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:58,396
Uh, how would you like
to play hockey?

112
00:04:58,396 --> 00:05:00,501
Haw-haw... key?

113
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,337
It's the most messed-up sport
in the world.

114
00:05:02,337 --> 00:05:04,743
It's like a prison riot
but with less rules.

115
00:05:04,743 --> 00:05:08,116
And you, you would play
the best position of all--

116
00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:09,653
the goon.

117
00:05:09,653 --> 00:05:11,022
Goon...

118
00:05:11,022 --> 00:05:12,224
Pretty word.

119
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:13,828
What it mean?

120
00:05:13,828 --> 00:05:17,902
It's that sweet spot between
a thug and an enforcer.

121
00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:20,608
Anyone who comes near
the best players on the team,

122
00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:22,612
the goon turns their face
into mustard.

123
00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:25,551
(chuckles) You're exactly
what my team needs.

124
00:05:25,551 --> 00:05:27,722
Team? I don't do teams.

125
00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:29,058
Sorry.

126
00:05:29,058 --> 00:05:30,628
Not my pierogies!

127
00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:33,499
My Oma makes them
but once a week.

128
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,105
(groans)
I got to deal with this.

129
00:05:36,105 --> 00:05:37,542
Nah, I get it.

130
00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:39,713
People look at scuzzes like us
like we got the plague.

131
00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:42,919
Which, when I did,
it weren't even bubonic.

132
00:05:42,919 --> 00:05:46,125
Our schedule, in case
you change your mind, there.

133
00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:47,461
Maybe we'll both find out

134
00:05:47,461 --> 00:05:49,231
what it feels
like to be winners.

135
00:05:49,231 --> 00:05:51,369
- (grunting)
- Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

136
00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:58,049
Full steam ahead, lads.

137
00:05:58,049 --> 00:05:59,351
We make for the goal,

138
00:05:59,351 --> 00:06:01,990
and damn their
neutral zone trap.

139
00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:03,594
(laughing)

140
00:06:03,594 --> 00:06:06,567
Oh, another weekend
murdered by kids' sports.

141
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,336
How come this is
the only league in the world

142
00:06:08,336 --> 00:06:10,273
without a labor dispute?

143
00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:11,944
Unionize, cowards!

144
00:06:11,944 --> 00:06:13,479
SEA CAPTAIN: Yarr!

145
00:06:13,479 --> 00:06:16,419
(grunts)
I'm getting killed out there!

146
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,423
So you get a little dinged up.

147
00:06:18,423 --> 00:06:20,895
You ever seen the children's
wing at the hospital?

148
00:06:20,895 --> 00:06:23,399
They got murals on the walls.
You'll love it.

149
00:06:23,399 --> 00:06:26,540
Everywhere you look--
rainbow, rainbow, rainbow.

150
00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:28,309
The whole league
knows all they have to do

151
00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:29,879
is beat me up and they win.

152
00:06:29,879 --> 00:06:31,883
Yeah, you're right,
it's hopeless.

153
00:06:31,883 --> 00:06:34,421
There ain't nobody
who's gonna walk into this rink

154
00:06:34,421 --> 00:06:36,158
and turn me into a winner.

155
00:06:36,158 --> 00:06:38,062
No how, no when.

156
00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:41,168
Did somebody order a psycho?

157
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,137
Oh.

158
00:06:42,137 --> 00:06:43,406
Where do you want me, Crotch?

159
00:06:43,406 --> 00:06:45,578
Uh, it-it's "coach."
But just get out there.

160
00:06:45,578 --> 00:06:47,582
Get out there and do your thing.

161
00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:49,853
(grunts)

162
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:52,792
♪

163
00:07:00,006 --> 00:07:02,077
(buzzing)

164
00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,313
- We won!
- We did it!

165
00:07:03,313 --> 00:07:04,516
- Oh, my gosh!
- (cheering)

166
00:07:04,516 --> 00:07:06,753
- My life has meaning!
- (blowing whistle)

167
00:07:06,753 --> 00:07:09,158
As I've been screaming
for the last 15 minutes,

168
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:12,497
- all players must be
wearing skates.
- Oh, come on.

169
00:07:12,497 --> 00:07:13,968
There's no way that that...

170
00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:15,370
Oh, there it is.

171
00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:17,542
Rule number one:
"No cafeteria trays."

172
00:07:17,542 --> 00:07:19,913
The Bar Flyers forfeit.
The game is over.

173
00:07:19,913 --> 00:07:22,150
ALL:
Aw!

174
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,386
You said I'd get to win.

175
00:07:23,386 --> 00:07:26,560
All I did was make
everyone else a loser, too.

176
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,534
Loser? No, no,
you-you were amazing out there.

177
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,741
- I was?
- Kid, you are
a natural born goon.

178
00:07:33,741 --> 00:07:37,280
A real diamond in the urinal.
All you need is some training.

179
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,788
And I'm gonna make sure
that you learn from the best.

180
00:07:42,090 --> 00:07:44,596
Welcome to Top Goon.

181
00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:45,865
It's beautiful.

182
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,369
I'm gonna learn so hard, Moe.

183
00:07:48,369 --> 00:07:52,210
- I won't let you down.
- I know you won't, kid.

184
00:07:53,847 --> 00:07:56,620
- What was that?
- Oh, I just tousled your hair.

185
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,091
Ain't nobody
ever done that before?

186
00:07:59,091 --> 00:08:00,327
Uh...

187
00:08:00,327 --> 00:08:01,830
Keep going.

188
00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:04,536
Yeah, my arm's getting
a little tired, here.

189
00:08:04,536 --> 00:08:07,074
- That's your problem.
- (sighing): All right.

190
00:08:11,516 --> 00:08:13,520
Welcome to Top Goon.

191
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:14,989
I'd like to introduce you
to your faculty,

192
00:08:14,989 --> 00:08:17,562
the most feared men
to ever lace 'em up.

193
00:08:17,562 --> 00:08:19,365
Dave "The Hammer" Schultz.

194
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:20,668
That's just a nickname.

195
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:23,707
My given name is
David "The Hammer" Schultz.

196
00:08:23,707 --> 00:08:25,745
Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson.

197
00:08:25,745 --> 00:08:28,216
I look sane,
but trust me, I'm not.

198
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,351
You'll see.

199
00:08:29,351 --> 00:08:31,355
(growly):
You'll all see.

200
00:08:31,355 --> 00:08:32,759
And Tiger Williams.

201
00:08:32,759 --> 00:08:35,296
Your instructor
for Basic Pummeling

202
00:08:35,296 --> 00:08:36,533
and, time permitting,

203
00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:39,038
The American Novel:
1930 to the Present.

204
00:08:39,038 --> 00:08:40,006
(growls)

205
00:08:40,006 --> 00:08:43,146
As a goon, you have
one job on the ice:

206
00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:45,383
protect your team's best scorer.

207
00:08:45,383 --> 00:08:48,189
We call that person
your "primary."

208
00:08:48,189 --> 00:08:51,730
This is the most important
person in your life.

209
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:54,101
Who's the best scorer
on your team, Muntz?

210
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:57,441
- Bart Simpson.
- Then Bart Simpson
is your primary.

211
00:08:57,441 --> 00:08:59,344
Don't forget it.

212
00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:02,484
- Who do we protect?
- ALL: Our primary.

213
00:09:02,484 --> 00:09:04,656
And what do we do
for our primary?

214
00:09:04,656 --> 00:09:06,158
ALL:
Protect them.

215
00:09:06,158 --> 00:09:07,862
And who do we protect?

216
00:09:09,164 --> 00:09:10,500
Our primary?

217
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,237
This kid's good.

218
00:09:12,237 --> 00:09:14,642
("The Hockey Song" by
Stompin' Tom Connors playing)

219
00:09:17,013 --> 00:09:19,819
♪ Hello out there,
we're on the air ♪

220
00:09:19,819 --> 00:09:21,523
♪ It's hockey night tonight ♪

221
00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:24,061
♪ Tension grows,
the whistle blows ♪

222
00:09:24,061 --> 00:09:26,232
♪ And the puck goes
down the ice ♪

223
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,837
♪ The goalie jumps
and the players bump ♪

224
00:09:28,837 --> 00:09:31,075
♪ And the fans all go insane ♪

225
00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:33,580
♪ Someone roars,
"Bobby scores!" ♪

226
00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:35,584
♪ At the good ol' hockey game ♪

227
00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:37,789
♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪

228
00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:39,959
♪ Is the best game
you can name ♪

229
00:09:39,959 --> 00:09:43,032
♪ And the best game
you can name ♪

230
00:09:43,032 --> 00:09:44,602
♪ Is the good ol'
hockey game. ♪

231
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:46,840
(groans)

232
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:47,842
Mm...

233
00:09:49,044 --> 00:09:51,115
Aw...

234
00:09:51,115 --> 00:09:53,052
Huh?

235
00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:54,421
Hey, sorry I'm late.

236
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:56,091
I couldn't unlock the Maps app.

237
00:09:56,091 --> 00:09:59,532
(chuckling): My phone don't
recognize my face as a face.

238
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,603
I can't believe you came!

239
00:10:01,603 --> 00:10:03,941
I wouldn't miss this
for my own mother's funeral.

240
00:10:03,941 --> 00:10:06,412
I made that choice
and I'm good with it.

241
00:10:06,412 --> 00:10:08,483
Hey, Moe.
How's it going?

242
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,153
You know these guys?

243
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:12,959
I used to be the bartender
in the penalty box

244
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,762
at the Philadelphia Spectrum.

245
00:10:14,762 --> 00:10:17,033
(chuckles)
My tip jar was full of teeth.

246
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,206
I got Phil Esposito's
whole mouth somewheres.

247
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:21,408
♪

248
00:10:21,408 --> 00:10:23,981
Muntz, recite the goon code.

249
00:10:23,981 --> 00:10:26,485
I am a goon.
I protect my primary.

250
00:10:26,485 --> 00:10:28,524
And... that's pretty much it.

251
00:10:28,524 --> 00:10:32,532
Nelson Muntz, you've out-thugged
every gorilla in your class.

252
00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:35,236
You are... Top Goon!

253
00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:37,240
♪

254
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,785
I did... not bad?

255
00:10:42,785 --> 00:10:44,288
Hey, you did more than that.

256
00:10:44,288 --> 00:10:45,524
You did not horrible.

257
00:10:45,524 --> 00:10:49,766
Now come on, I got a graduation
present lined up for youse.

258
00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:53,105
From up here,
the wads look like ants.

259
00:10:53,105 --> 00:10:55,578
Hey, you-you want to drop
pickled eggs on them?

260
00:10:55,578 --> 00:10:57,113
Sure!

261
00:10:58,049 --> 00:10:59,953
Yeah, Duff lets me
use their blimp

262
00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:03,059
'cause I buy up all the beer
that the employees drown in.

263
00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:05,998
Pretty sweet
for a couple of scuzzes.

264
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,737
Yeah, it's a big world
down there, kid.

265
00:11:08,737 --> 00:11:10,206
And when its back is turned,

266
00:11:10,206 --> 00:11:13,112
you can steal
anything you want from it.

267
00:11:13,112 --> 00:11:15,250
Oh, that egg just hit
a cop's horse.

268
00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,153
Floor it, Jimmy!
Floor it!

269
00:11:17,153 --> 00:11:19,358
(revving)

270
00:11:20,661 --> 00:11:22,899
(moaning)

271
00:11:26,506 --> 00:11:28,209
Great.
I have to drive 50 miles

272
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,948
to spend my entire weekend
freezing my ass off.

273
00:11:30,948 --> 00:11:34,354
Stone-cold sober,
sitting in seats with no backs,

274
00:11:34,354 --> 00:11:38,296
making awkward conversation
with dads who share way too much

275
00:11:38,296 --> 00:11:39,799
about their marriages...

276
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,505
I told Sarah when we got
married, "I am a foot guy."

277
00:11:42,505 --> 00:11:44,709
Please guess the one part
of the body

278
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,813
she just doesn't moisturize?

279
00:11:46,813 --> 00:11:48,750
Seriously, guess.
Guess!

280
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,856
- Please, just guess.
- Oh...

281
00:11:56,198 --> 00:12:00,039
Nelson, could I interest you
in a little skate?

282
00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:03,145
(groans)
I could stretch my legs.

283
00:12:05,450 --> 00:12:06,620
(thudding)

284
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:09,324
Bart's my primary.
I protect my primary.

285
00:12:09,324 --> 00:12:12,965
What happened here
is a result of your actions.

286
00:12:17,173 --> 00:12:18,944
(scoreboard buzzes)

287
00:12:18,944 --> 00:12:21,850
Wow. Your kid's got real talent.

288
00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:23,954
No-game recognize game, yo.

289
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:27,127
Shut up! Shut up, all of you!
Don't you see?

290
00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:29,498
There's nothing worse
than your kid being

291
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:30,868
so amazing at something

292
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:33,840
you can't blow it off!

293
00:12:34,642 --> 00:12:36,880
So, what's your old lady's

294
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,750
footwear situation at night?

295
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,754
Uh, socks?

296
00:12:40,754 --> 00:12:42,223
No socks?

297
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,471
All right, all right,
tomorrow is the finals.

298
00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:51,910
(whoops)
Hockey's gonna be over!

299
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,348
- If we win,
it's on to the regionals.
- D'oh!

300
00:12:54,348 --> 00:12:55,651
- Then states.
- D'oh!

301
00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,087
- Tri-states.
- D'oh!

302
00:12:57,087 --> 00:12:59,358
Quad-states, nationals,
and then tri-nationals.

303
00:12:59,358 --> 00:13:01,195
(moaning)

304
00:13:01,195 --> 00:13:03,466
But first, we take on
King Toots' team.

305
00:13:03,466 --> 00:13:06,940
The same puck-nuts what
humiliated us the last time.

306
00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:08,810
But I know we're gonna
win this game,

307
00:13:08,810 --> 00:13:12,050
because we got
our little hotshot MVP.

308
00:13:12,050 --> 00:13:14,889
That's right,
our Most Violent Puncher.

309
00:13:14,889 --> 00:13:16,559
- Nelson Muntz.
- (gasps)
- Huh?

310
00:13:17,628 --> 00:13:18,630
(Bart grumbles)

311
00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:20,934
(cheering)

312
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,507
I score every goal
on this team.

313
00:13:26,111 --> 00:13:29,051
- (phone chimes)
- And who the hell is texting me?

314
00:13:29,051 --> 00:13:32,157
"Estee Dionne Malip?"

315
00:13:32,157 --> 00:13:34,829
Uh, does anybody know
what this, uh,

316
00:13:34,829 --> 00:13:36,966
"Estee Dionne Malip" is about?

317
00:13:36,966 --> 00:13:39,672
Hey, I'm dealing with
an Estee Dionne Malip?

318
00:13:39,672 --> 00:13:42,878
Anybody? I don't even know
who the hell I got this from.

319
00:13:42,878 --> 00:13:45,450
(groans) I'm just gonna
send it to my junk.

320
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,320
(laughing)

321
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,792
What? What is-what is funny
about that?

322
00:13:49,792 --> 00:13:51,996
- (laughing)
- (grunts)

323
00:13:51,996 --> 00:13:53,900
Show some respect to Coach.

324
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,438
Why? His car is a converted
washing machine

325
00:13:56,438 --> 00:13:58,209
and his wallet is a rat trap.

326
00:13:59,712 --> 00:14:01,816
- (snaps)
- (groaning) Aah!

327
00:14:01,816 --> 00:14:03,754
(laughing)

328
00:14:03,754 --> 00:14:05,624
Simpson's dead.

329
00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:09,899
<i>Bart Simpson is your primary.
Bart Simpson is your primary.</i>

330
00:14:09,899 --> 00:14:12,638
(chuckling):
Oh, he is such a scuzz.

331
00:14:12,638 --> 00:14:14,141
So am I.

332
00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:16,880
You're not my primary.
He is.

333
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,786
- (grunts)
- Ow!

334
00:14:19,786 --> 00:14:20,788
(gasping)

335
00:14:20,788 --> 00:14:23,426
(panting)

336
00:14:23,426 --> 00:14:25,129
- (groaning)
- Doc, is he gonna be all right?

337
00:14:25,129 --> 00:14:29,839
Yes. But I'm afraid his travel
hockey season is over.

338
00:14:33,613 --> 00:14:35,617
(muffled grunt)

339
00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:37,420
(Homer whoops)

340
00:14:38,389 --> 00:14:39,992
(moaning)

341
00:14:41,295 --> 00:14:44,736
What... what have you done?
Bart was our only chance to win.

342
00:14:44,736 --> 00:14:47,307
You were supposed
to protect your primary!

343
00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:49,111
I... I was.

344
00:14:49,111 --> 00:14:51,448
Like hell you was.
Why'd I ever believe in you?

345
00:14:51,448 --> 00:14:53,954
Y-You're just a fist.
Nothing more.

346
00:14:53,954 --> 00:14:55,524
Get off of my team!

347
00:14:55,524 --> 00:14:56,826
(gulps)

348
00:14:56,826 --> 00:14:59,397
Don't look at me.
I'm not crying!

349
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,203
(sobbing)

350
00:15:03,339 --> 00:15:04,642
(grunts)

351
00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:13,058
I just feel like "hockey team"
is still a smidge too big.

352
00:15:13,058 --> 00:15:15,329
Do you have any smaller letters?

353
00:15:16,198 --> 00:15:19,471
I'm no goon.
I'm just a fist.

354
00:15:21,743 --> 00:15:24,381
And this last stop in hell

355
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,151
is where I belong.

356
00:15:26,953 --> 00:15:28,557
(inhales, exhales)

357
00:15:31,261 --> 00:15:33,533
♪

358
00:15:34,869 --> 00:15:36,371
Afternoon there, ma'am.

359
00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:37,808
Uh, I'm Moe Szysl...

360
00:15:37,808 --> 00:15:39,211
Yeah, can you hurry it up?

361
00:15:39,211 --> 00:15:42,383
I got to eat this when
it's fresh off the zapper.

362
00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,486
It's about your kid.

363
00:15:43,486 --> 00:15:45,858
I was his hockey coach
and I yelled some stuff

364
00:15:45,858 --> 00:15:47,962
that might have kicked
his heart in the plums.

365
00:15:47,962 --> 00:15:50,066
Oh, so you're
Coach Sizzle-slacks,

366
00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:52,370
the guy he calls his primary.

367
00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:55,143
What? Nelson thinks
I'm his primary?

368
00:15:55,143 --> 00:15:57,380
- You sure about this?
- Yup.

369
00:15:57,380 --> 00:16:00,721
He yelled the whole story
at the window dog.

370
00:16:00,721 --> 00:16:02,390
(growling)

371
00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:04,829
Nelson wasn't being a psycho
towards Bart.

372
00:16:04,829 --> 00:16:07,167
He was being a goon for me.

373
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,503
Do you know where he went?

374
00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:10,974
He said something about
walking the streets.

375
00:16:10,974 --> 00:16:13,580
Coming to a fateful decision
or whatnot.

376
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:15,116
Eh. Kid stuff.

377
00:16:15,116 --> 00:16:17,487
I got to find him
before he does something crazy.

378
00:16:19,659 --> 00:16:20,961
Nelson Muntz.

379
00:16:20,961 --> 00:16:23,365
Your reputation precedes you.

380
00:16:23,365 --> 00:16:26,071
I hear you're a dingus
to be respected.

381
00:16:26,071 --> 00:16:28,108
I'm just a fist with no code.

382
00:16:28,108 --> 00:16:30,881
Figure I'll be working
for you sooner or later,

383
00:16:30,881 --> 00:16:33,452
so why not get it over with?

384
00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:39,497
I have a gift for smelling out
good henchmen.

385
00:16:39,497 --> 00:16:40,567
(sniffing)

386
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,272
I'm getting hints
of barely-suppressed rage

387
00:16:43,272 --> 00:16:45,476
with top notes
of "nothing matters" and...

388
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:46,746
(sniffing)

389
00:16:46,746 --> 00:16:50,286
...a deep finish of abandonment
by a male role model.

390
00:16:50,286 --> 00:16:53,025
Smell all you want.
It won't fix anything.

391
00:16:53,025 --> 00:16:54,227
Just tell me who to hurt.

392
00:16:54,227 --> 00:16:56,331
Want me to get him a lead pipe?

393
00:16:56,331 --> 00:17:00,541
Let's start him out easy. PVC.

394
00:17:06,084 --> 00:17:08,557
How you doing, son?
Can you move?

395
00:17:08,557 --> 00:17:10,527
A little, but it hurts.

396
00:17:10,527 --> 00:17:11,963
I meant can you
move off the couch.

397
00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:15,537
I'm about to enjoy my first
hockey-free weekend in months.

398
00:17:15,537 --> 00:17:17,641
Ooh, hockey!

399
00:17:17,641 --> 00:17:19,779
(grunting)

400
00:17:20,714 --> 00:17:23,853
Homer, get up.
You and Bart are gonna be late.

401
00:17:23,853 --> 00:17:26,191
What? He's useless.
Doc said so.

402
00:17:26,191 --> 00:17:29,030
He can't play any sport
that I have to drive him to.

403
00:17:29,030 --> 00:17:31,936
He has physical therapy,
and the only place

404
00:17:31,936 --> 00:17:35,309
that takes our insurance
is three hours away.

405
00:17:35,309 --> 00:17:38,282
If they ask, Bart is a veteran.

406
00:17:38,282 --> 00:17:39,652
Oh...

407
00:17:42,423 --> 00:17:44,729
Mr. Mayor, I believe
you know the founder

408
00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:48,803
of this vaguely-purposed
yet tax-exempt charity,

409
00:17:48,803 --> 00:17:50,707
my <i>goomar.</i>

410
00:17:50,707 --> 00:17:54,080
Mistresses are the lifeblood
of our community.

411
00:17:58,255 --> 00:18:00,627
Private event.
No pictures.

412
00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:04,334
Well done, Nelly No-Sleeves.

413
00:18:05,938 --> 00:18:07,608
If you'll excuse me,

414
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:10,747
my men and I have some
perfectly innocent business

415
00:18:10,747 --> 00:18:14,054
to attend to in the back room.

416
00:18:14,054 --> 00:18:16,425
God bless back rooms.

417
00:18:17,695 --> 00:18:18,830
You know why you're here.

418
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:22,738
You borrow money from me,
I expect to be repaid.

419
00:18:22,738 --> 00:18:25,677
Time to make your bones.

420
00:18:25,677 --> 00:18:27,548
NELSON:
Lead.

421
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,088
This is all I am.

422
00:18:31,088 --> 00:18:32,658
MOE:
Stop!

423
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,733
Nelson, listen to me
before you done did something

424
00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:37,768
you can't done undid.

425
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,106
Whoever's under that hood
don't deserve this.

426
00:18:40,106 --> 00:18:42,678
- They're a human being.
- Moe!

427
00:18:42,678 --> 00:18:45,751
Aw, thank you, old buddy.
(weak chuckle)

428
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:47,721
Oh, not youse!

429
00:18:47,721 --> 00:18:49,124
You got to help me out.

430
00:18:49,124 --> 00:18:51,161
I only borrowed money
from the mafia

431
00:18:51,161 --> 00:18:53,465
to buy fake birth certificates
for teenagers

432
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,671
so they could play
ten-and-under hockey.

433
00:18:55,671 --> 00:18:58,910
No one deserves a Kansas City
knee job more than this guy,

434
00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:00,313
but that don't matter none.

435
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:03,385
You swing that pipe,
that's your soul on the line.

436
00:19:03,385 --> 00:19:05,389
You're wasting your time,
"Coach."

437
00:19:05,389 --> 00:19:08,162
You said it yourself:
I'm just a fist.

438
00:19:08,162 --> 00:19:10,166
I know, and that's how
I saw youse at first.

439
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:11,536
As a weapon.

440
00:19:11,536 --> 00:19:12,705
I was using you,

441
00:19:12,705 --> 00:19:15,510
because I was obsessed
with beating King Toot here.

442
00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:18,349
I knew it.
I'm in your head, bro.

443
00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:21,622
Feed him his own mustache!
No, wait. Don't, don't.

444
00:19:21,622 --> 00:19:23,526
Listen to me.
You're a great kid.

445
00:19:23,526 --> 00:19:27,200
You're determined, selfless,
a real teammate...

446
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,172
And you did for me
what I failed to do for you.

447
00:19:30,172 --> 00:19:32,911
You had my back, scuzz to scuzz.

448
00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:37,053
Aw. (chuckles)

449
00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:38,155
I don't know.

450
00:19:38,155 --> 00:19:41,294
Sometimes, boss, I think
you only see me as a knife.

451
00:19:41,294 --> 00:19:42,564
Did you know I got dreams?

452
00:19:42,564 --> 00:19:44,935
I want to open a gourmet
mac and cheese place

453
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:46,438
called Louie's Gooey.

454
00:19:46,438 --> 00:19:48,777
And I'm learning Swedish
on a phone app.

455
00:19:48,777 --> 00:19:50,747
But I'm just a gun to you.

456
00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:53,953
Gentlemen, I don't
see you as weapons.

457
00:19:55,857 --> 00:19:57,761
(crying)

458
00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:01,569
Freaking millennials.

459
00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:05,176
Hockey's over, but maybe
we could still do stuff.

460
00:20:05,176 --> 00:20:08,115
You know, like
throw turtles at birds?

461
00:20:08,115 --> 00:20:09,852
Any time you want, kid.

462
00:20:09,852 --> 00:20:11,723
But whatever we do, from now on,

463
00:20:11,723 --> 00:20:14,695
let's leave
the violence behind, uh?

464
00:20:14,695 --> 00:20:17,100
(grunts)
Aah!

465
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,638
Ah.
There you go, kid.

466
00:20:19,638 --> 00:20:22,043
- You earned that.
- No, I haven't.

467
00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:24,648
And that's what makes it
all the sweeter.

468
00:20:24,648 --> 00:20:26,118
("Through the Fire"
by Larry Greene playing)

469
00:20:26,118 --> 00:20:29,023
♪ Through the fire ♪

470
00:20:29,023 --> 00:20:31,428
♪ To the wire ♪

471
00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:35,369
♪ When the night
out of control ♪

472
00:20:35,369 --> 00:20:38,308
♪ Is breaking your heart ♪

473
00:20:38,308 --> 00:20:40,947
♪ Through the fire ♪

474
00:20:40,947 --> 00:20:42,751
♪ Through the fire. ♪

475
00:20:42,751 --> 00:20:43,953
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

476
00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:44,955
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

477
00:20:44,955 --> 00:20:45,957
and TOYOTA.

478
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,604
Slower...

479
00:20:52,604 --> 00:20:54,875
slower... great.

480
00:20:54,875 --> 00:20:58,817
Okay, do another hundred,
each one way less fast.

481
00:20:58,817 --> 00:20:59,685
Oh...

482
00:20:59,685 --> 00:21:01,656
Now, with three sessions
a week...

483
00:21:01,656 --> 00:21:04,628
- Oh...
- for the next four months...

484
00:21:04,628 --> 00:21:05,664
Oh!

485
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,568
...we can have you ready
just in time

486
00:21:07,568 --> 00:21:10,239
for the start
of baseball season.

487
00:21:10,239 --> 00:21:11,843
D'oh.

488
00:21:12,678 --> 00:21:15,382
♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪

489
00:21:15,382 --> 00:21:17,688
♪ Is the best game
you can name ♪

490
00:21:17,688 --> 00:21:20,192
♪ And the best game
you can name ♪

491
00:21:20,192 --> 00:21:23,900
♪ Is the good ol' hockey game ♪

492
00:21:26,071 --> 00:21:27,508
♪ It's in! ♪

493
00:21:27,508 --> 00:21:28,810
- <i>He shoots, he scores! ♪
- (cheering)</i>

494
00:21:28,810 --> 00:21:30,012
♪ Henderson scores
for Canada! ♪

495
00:21:30,012 --> 00:21:31,682
Shh!

496
00:21:33,786 --> 00:21:36,024
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org