1
00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:04,636
EL COYOTE (over P.A. system):
And on your left, below us,
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,138
is the Mexifornia
border station.
3
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,807
What in the Dale Earnhardt?
Oh, look!
4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,210
It's the rare,
man-breasted border agent.
5
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:13,679
If we're quiet, maybe he'll
sound his majestic call.
6
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,547
Hey! Stop!
(people exclaiming)
7
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,783
(Bud spouting gibberish)
8
00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:20,352
What the hell?
9
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,721
That post was holding up
the ground, Señor Bud.
10
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,990
(Bud screaming)
11
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,325
SATAN:
Buckwald?
12
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,460
You're 15 years early!
13
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,696
(screeches)
14
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,537
♪ Ooh! ♪
15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,539
♪ Ha! ♪
16
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,674
♪ Ooh! ♪
17
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,943
♪ Ha! ♪
18
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:48,747
Whoa!
19
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:01,393
(indistinct conversations)
20
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,595
Welcome,
Mr. and Mrs. Buckwald.
21
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,164
I'm so glad
you could make it.
22
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,032
Gert is a delight.
23
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,901
The teachers' union says
I have to say that
24
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,769
before I tell you everything
that's wrong with her.
25
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:13,906
Wow, I haven't used a child's
water fountain in years.
26
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:18,077
(coughs) Oh, dear.
I have everything.
27
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:19,611
Ooh, Daddy.
28
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,747
Can I have some snacks?
Sure, Gertie.
29
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,582
Now, make sure you eat
two of everything.
30
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,551
You got a pageant coming up,
so you don't want to miss
31
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,419
any of your essential
daily sugars.
32
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,254
(grunts)
I can't reach 'em!
33
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:30,522
Just Van Damme it, Gert.
34
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:33,592
(snorting)
35
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,594
Dad, how can you let her
eat all that junk food?
36
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,196
She's training.
37
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:39,498
Ooh, be careful, Gert,
there's an apple at the end.
38
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,733
¡Hola, Buckwalds!
39
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:44,136
Look, Mami!
I'm the teacher's pet.
40
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,704
Oh, how sweet.
41
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,172
(barking)
42
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,042
Aw, man.
43
00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,610
Now it's gonna be weird
if I do it.
44
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,745
Oh, Ernesto,
it was so nice of you
45
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,080
to donate the class garden.
46
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:57,049
Of course!
This is how I scout
47
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:58,984
for tomorrow's
Gonzalez Landscapers.
48
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:03,155
No, no, no, no...
49
00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:04,423
Yes!
50
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:06,425
(gasps)
The rake birthmark!
51
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:08,327
He is the chosen!
52
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:10,996
Good morning, class.
53
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:12,431
Welcome to Advanced Kicking.
54
00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:13,665
(grunting)
55
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,933
I get an "A"!
56
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,268
Pepito, stop it right now
57
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,503
or you'll get the chancla.
58
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,304
No, Mami! No chancla!
59
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,740
(all gasp)
Mrs. Gonzalez,
60
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,809
did you just threaten
your son with your shoe?
61
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,978
This school doesn't believe
in physical punishment.
62
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,846
Yeah, that's not
how you parent.
63
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,948
You're ruining your child!
Oh, Gert, honey,
64
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,317
don't drink the glue
from the bottle, use a cup.
65
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,520
Can we have macaroni
for dinner?
66
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,455
I want to poop me
a necklace.
67
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:39,791
MARIA: How dare that teacher
tell me how to raise my child!
68
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,628
I don't tell that unmarried
tree stump how to scare off men.
69
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,630
You know, I wouldn't
have to use the chancla
70
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,198
if you would be more
of a help, Ernesto.
71
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,533
Pepito's fine.
72
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,668
He's an active boy.
That's good.
73
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:50,969
Pepito, come
to dinner!
74
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,337
PEPITO:
Okay, Papi!
75
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,573
(Tarzan yell)
76
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,010
I bring a message
from the howler monkeys:
77
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:01,180
(hooting, howling)
78
00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,815
Oh, God, do I really
sound like that?
79
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,050
Look at that child.
80
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,518
Kids need the belt.
81
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,287
Hitting children isn't
the answer to anything.
82
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,489
It just creates an environment
of fear and intimidation.
83
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:11,657
I agree.
84
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,158
Papi, you whipped me
with the belt
85
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,427
when I was little,
and I hated it.
86
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,130
(door opens)
87
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,365
Hola, Ernesto.
88
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,501
How dare you ignore me? (crying)
89
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,536
From now on you will
always say "Hola"!
90
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:27,206
Hola, tears.
91
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:29,141
Well, Ernesto,
we have to do something.
92
00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:30,876
Pepito is acting up
more than ever.
93
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,145
He just needs an outlet
for all his energy.
94
00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:34,413
Hey, where'd he go?
95
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,181
I won the New York
Marathon.
96
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:37,416
What's a Puerto Rican?
97
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,984
Are they us?
98
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:43,088
It was great visiting
your school, Gert.
99
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,389
That German shepherd
100
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:45,991
is the best principal
you've ever had.
101
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,392
I can't believe
he's being accused
102
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,827
of sniffing
a student's butt.
103
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,163
Ah, my princess
doesn't need school.
104
00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,664
She's gonna be a star
105
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,733
after next week's Little
Miss Mexifornia pageant.
106
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,168
That's right, Daddy.
107
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:58,103
The last five
Little Miss Mexifornia winners
108
00:03:58,105 --> 00:03:59,404
were killed by their parents,
109
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,872
but I'm gonna break the streak!
110
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,874
Of course
you will, Gert.
111
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,377
God, I'm sick of
all the attention she gets.
112
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,412
Okay, princess, now
finish your dinner.
113
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,681
Nutrition is the
building block of fame.
114
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,350
I ain't got
no more dinner.
115
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,018
Is that so?
116
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,419
(gasps) Yay!
117
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,621
(snorting)
118
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,824
I stole that from
a witch in a forest.
119
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,928
Ernesto, what are you doing?
120
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,529
I thought
you were watching Pepito.
121
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:26,965
I am!
I thought it could help Pepito
122
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,233
work off his excess energy.
123
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,068
I got the idea from Furnesto.
124
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,770
¡Hola, Ernesto!
125
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,038
¡Hola, Furnesto!
126
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,873
Remember, winners
never quit,
127
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,441
and quitters never win!
128
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,043
I met him at a seminar.
129
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,779
You know, Pepito is clearly
showing signs of ADHD.
130
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,281
You may want to talk
to a school counselor
131
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,715
about putting him
on medication.
132
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,150
ADHD? Ha!
133
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:48,253
People today are always
medicating made-up diseases.
134
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,488
Like autism.
135
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,089
When did it become abnormal
136
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,659
to avoid eye contact while
reciting train statistics?
137
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,994
Ernesto, I'm glad you're
trying to help Pepito,
138
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,496
but running
in a hamster wheel
139
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:58,930
isn't going
to make him behave.
140
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:01,400
Well, it's working
pretty good so far.
141
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,068
What the... Hey,
get away from me,
142
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,303
you demon kid!
143
00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,738
I'll get you!
144
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,874
You can't hide from me forever!
145
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,414
(whistle blows)
146
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,582
(kids yelling, laughing)
147
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,718
(Bud grunts)
148
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,691
All right, Gert, time
to make you a star.
149
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,160
Ugh, I can't believe
you encourage this.
150
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,628
My little girl
was the star
151
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,296
of a commercial for
childhood obesity.
152
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:32,931
What have
you ever done?
153
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,599
(gasps)
Ooh, Daddy,
154
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,201
there's Tanya
Hernandez.
155
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:39,204
She's the most beautiful
pageant queen ever.
156
00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:41,106
Had a bit of
surgery, though.
157
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,041
Hey, Bud.
Hey, Janice.
158
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,976
Gert,
you look adorable!
159
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,678
Tanya won this five times.
160
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,946
I only marry the best.
161
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,381
Her nose fell off.
162
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:51,350
Damn it! Now you
gotta be a snowman.
163
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,653
¡Hola, Buckwalds!
164
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,955
Gert, we're so excited
to cheer you on.
165
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,224
What do you guys know
about pageant cheering?
166
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,126
Ala bim! Ala bom!
167
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,561
Ala bim bom bam!
168
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:05,230
Gert! Gert!
Ra ra ra!
169
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,865
Am I cursed now?
170
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,134
(music playing, cheering)
171
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,002
Welcome, moms and gay dads,
172
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:14,239
to the 2015
Little Miss Mexifornia pageant.
173
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,741
The pageant that tries to prove
174
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:18,677
not all Mexifornian children
are ugly,
175
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,712
to varying degrees of success.
176
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,748
Now, let's meet
our panel of judges,
177
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,317
comprised of our town's
most discerning pedophiles.
178
00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:26,685
(applause, cheers)
179
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:29,254
Let's start
with the interview round.
180
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:30,822
First question:
181
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,392
do you believe women
should have names?
182
00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:35,927
Or should we just use a
picture of their body shape?
183
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,362
I like having a name.
184
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:38,663
Thank you...
185
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,899
(applause)
186
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:44,336
All right, sweetie,
you're up next.
187
00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,171
Now, drink your Go-Go juice.
188
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,740
I put a Snickers in there
for extra nutrition.
189
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,176
And remember, no matter
what happens out there,
190
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,945
if you don't win,
I'll kill myself.
191
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,148
Next up, Gert Buckwald!
192
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,583
Yay, Gert!
193
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,852
I hate this!
These chicks are flat.
194
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,287
Sanford, they're children.
195
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:05,123
No. I mean that last girl
was singing in "F" sharp.
196
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,058
The song was
clearly in "G"!
197
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,294
(pop intro plays)
198
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:12,564
♪ Yikes, it happened once more ♪
199
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,434
♪ That thing that I do ♪
200
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:17,102
♪ I did the same thing ♪
201
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,537
♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪
202
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:21,973
♪ Zoinks,
you think something else ♪
203
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:26,144
♪ But that's not the thing I
did ♪ (heart beating rapidly)
204
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,647
♪ That I just did again... ♪
205
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:29,614
(gasps)
206
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,216
My heart!
207
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,418
Oh, my God, I think she's
having a heart attack!
208
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:34,619
(audience gasps)
209
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,822
(gasping)
210
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,089
Gert!
211
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,158
Can anyone save
my little girl?
212
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,427
Wait! Thanks to
my grandfather's magic watch,
213
00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:45,030
I can go back in time
and change everything.
214
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,667
We're leaving for the pageant.
215
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,669
Past Sanford!
216
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,270
Don't go!
It's super boring!
217
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,738
Thanks, future me.
218
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,140
Hey, you like Pantera?
219
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,275
Of course!
I'm you!
220
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,878
(mimicking heavy metal)
221
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,819
(siren recedes)
222
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,988
I can't believe
Gert had a heart attack.
223
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,656
The smelling salts
aren't working.
224
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,124
Let me try
something.
225
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:14,326
(bacon sizzles)
226
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:15,760
Mmm, what's that?
227
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:18,363
Wait a minute,
that's turkey bacon.
228
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,931
(monitor flatlines)
229
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:27,305
Oh, Gert, my little angel,
I'm so glad you're okay.
230
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,374
If you died,
I could never go
231
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,877
to a child's funeral again
without feeling sad.
232
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,879
How could Gert have
a heart attack?
233
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,380
She's only
five years old.
234
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,682
Well, our tests show
she's got the arteries
235
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,984
of an 80-year-old man.
236
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,452
Hey, look!
237
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:43,054
Today's top story:
a new low for Mexifornia.
238
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:46,658
A 180-pound five-year-old girl
has had a heart attack.
239
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,859
I'm famous!
240
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,060
Mr. and Mrs.
Buckwald,
241
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,196
I'm afraid she needs
a quadruple bypass,
242
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,632
or she could die.
243
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,367
Oh, Gert,
my baby!
244
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:56,868
Quadruple bypass?
245
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,370
Is that covered
by our health plan?
246
00:08:58,372 --> 00:08:59,804
No, Bud.
247
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,339
We have the cheapest
health care plan available.
248
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,675
Doesn't even cover
my narcolepsy.
249
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:06,011
Yeah, but, Janice,
the thing is, it...
250
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,679
I-I wasn't setting
up a joke.
251
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,214
We have a bad
health plan.
252
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,216
Daddy, am I gonna die?
253
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,684
No, princess.
254
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,586
Don't worry, we'll
get you that surgery
255
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,221
no matter
what it costs.
256
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:19,224
The surgery
costs $50,000.
257
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,592
$50,000?
258
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,527
Where am I gonna get
that kind of money?
259
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,729
Okay, Bud, you choose
the first category.
260
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,232
I ain't here to answer
your nerd questions.
261
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,301
Put the money
on my screen!
262
00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:33,071
What kind of
father am I?
263
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,241
My baby girl needs surgery,
and I can't pay for it.
264
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,909
I know, what are
we gonna do?
265
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,712
We could only afford
to cremate half your mother.
266
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:43,848
At least she's fun to hang
from the porch on Halloween.
267
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:50,855
Hey, Bud, we've all been
really worried about Gert.
268
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,424
Is she gonna
be okay?
269
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:54,359
Don't you worry about
my little angel Gert.
270
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,861
She made it five years.
She'll make it five more.
271
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:59,064
It's not easy raising
kids these days.
272
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,099
Lately, Pepito's been
acting up nonstop,
273
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,034
and nothing I try
seems to work.
274
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,136
Hyah, Mr. Buckwald!
Hyah!
275
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,238
Hey, what the-- get the hell
off of me, you crazy kid!
276
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,708
Pepito!
I said, "hyah!"
277
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,242
(snorting, neighing)
278
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,444
Whoa, whoa!
279
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,412
Easy, boy.
Easy, boy. Whoa.
280
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,314
Ho dere. Shh-shh.
281
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:19,618
Easy there, easy there.
282
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,721
Good boy.
283
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,456
Someday I'll have
to shoot you.
284
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,924
Damn it, Pepito!
285
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,325
How many times have I told you
286
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,760
to leave Mr. Buckwald alone?
287
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,762
I've had enough!
288
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,164
(cries)
289
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,899
No, Papi.
290
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,167
Keep going, Ernesto.
291
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,603
I feed on the screams
of children.
292
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:41,106
I'm so sorry, Papi!
293
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,941
Oh, my God.
294
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,275
What have I done?
295
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,344
PLÁCIDO: Oh, my God,
what have I done?
296
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:47,312
I'm serious.
297
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,813
I forgot my
whole life.
298
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,482
Who am I?!
299
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,684
(owl hoots)
300
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,020
Ernesto,
you spanked Pepito?
301
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,921
I know, I feel
terrible.
302
00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:59,357
And I can sense I've lost
the respect of our lawn.
303
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:02,427
Hey, Ernesto, aren't you
coming to your lawn's party?
304
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,029
It's having a party?
305
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,430
I wasn't invited.
306
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,065
(inhales awkwardly)
307
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,369
I just saw Ernesto.
308
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,338
OTHERS:
Ooh.
309
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,173
You know, maybe
J.C.'s right.
310
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,208
Maybe Pepito needs
professional help.
311
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,610
Professional help?
312
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:20,011
Ernesto,
we're his parents.
313
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,446
We can figure
this out.
314
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,448
We just have to do our best
for ten more years,
315
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,949
and then he's
the army's problem.
316
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:26,785
(sighs) I don't
know, Maria.
317
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,688
I just can't figure out
what's wrong with him.
318
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,691
What's wrong with me?
319
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:36,194
Why do they need to
send me to a doctor?
320
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,630
Shut up, Pepito,
I'm trying to get laid.
321
00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:40,632
Psst, wake up,
you flamp!
322
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,634
In my day, you'd
call them a flamp.
323
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:45,270
A "flamp" is like
a "gazoonka," but worse.
324
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,473
Good news, honey.
325
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,341
We got a surprise
for you.
326
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,811
Star third baseman Josh Carew?
327
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,412
What are you doing here?
328
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:56,247
Heard there was
a sick little girl.
329
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,882
I'm here to let her know
I'm gonna hit
330
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,317
two home runs for her tonight.
331
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,752
Sorry, Mr. Buckwald.
332
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:03,188
The hospital didn't receive
your $15 co-pay
333
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,589
for this hospital room.
334
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,491
Mr. Carew, could you
give me a hand?
335
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:07,892
(bat cracks)
336
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,728
(Gert screams)
337
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,162
Ow, my arm!
338
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,664
Get me to a hospital!
339
00:12:12,666 --> 00:12:14,065
(bat cracks)
340
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,734
Oh, yeah, the bad insurance.
341
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:21,172
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
America's Next Top Announcer.
342
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,942
ANNOUNCER 2: We now return
to America's Next Top Announcer.
343
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:27,045
ANNOUNCER 3: We now return to
America's Next Top Announcer.
344
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:30,915
Kids, believe it or not, NBC was
once a very respected network.
345
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,383
What the hell is this?
346
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,385
The doctor said Gert's
bad eating habits are
347
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,020
the cause
of her heart problem,
348
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,089
so no more junk food
in this house.
349
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,257
I hate you, salad!
350
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,625
I'd throw tomatoes at you,
351
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,527
but it'd just make you
a bigger salad.
352
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:44,929
Gert, please,
you're my baby sister.
353
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,931
I want you to be around
for a long time.
354
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:49,400
And I'll admit,
I, too, could probably stand
355
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:50,735
to lose a few pounds.
356
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:53,204
BUCKWALDS:
Oh, full-figured Becky.
357
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:56,207
Full-figured or not,
still not my type.
358
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:59,477
GONZALEZES:
Oh, Straight Uncle Jorge.
359
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:02,881
Hey, Gert, I heard you
were in the hospital.
360
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,883
Are you a sex addict
like my father?
361
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:07,285
ERNESTO: Hey, Maria,
Pepito's out of the house.
362
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:11,089
Oh, dear, wherever
did my pants go?
363
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,457
Anyway, I drew
you a picture.
364
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,058
It started
as Superman,
365
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,060
but then I got bored,
and it became Godzilla,
366
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:18,129
and then I got bored again,
and it became a monkey,
367
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,165
and now I'm bored again,
so it's on fire.
368
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,299
Aah!
369
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,135
Thanks, Pepito,
but I'm okay.
370
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,771
The doctors just say I got
a bum ticker, that's all.
371
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:29,307
The doctors say there's
something wrong with me, too.
372
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,942
Well, what do
doctors know?
373
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,944
If they were so smart,
they wouldn't keep crashing
374
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,779
while driving home
from the hospital drunk.
375
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:35,780
(tires screeching, crashing)
376
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,015
(horn honks)
377
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:40,819
(zips)
378
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,187
Cool, found a bathroom.
379
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,155
Hey, it's the little fat girl.
380
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,623
You shouldn't be
in the men's room,
381
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,759
you fat little idiot.
382
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:53,097
Well, the doctor says
Pepito has ADHD.
383
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:55,466
I don't know how we're gonna
get him to take these pills.
384
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,202
I've got an idea.
385
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,270
How about I go to work and
make money for the family,
386
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,506
and when I get home it's
somehow worked itself out.
387
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:05,043
I'm a ninja, most silent
of all the world's assassins.
388
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,811
Ninja! Ninja! Ninja!
Ninja! Ninja!
389
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:08,646
Ninja! Ninja!
Ninja! Ninja!
390
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:11,716
Pepito, I have some
special candy for you.
391
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,151
This doesn't look
like candy.
392
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,520
Is this the medicine
the doctor gave you?
393
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:18,556
You're right, Pepito, it's
not candy-- it's drugs.
394
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:21,125
Don't you want to take
drugs like a cool teenager?
395
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:22,894
Okay.
396
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:25,730
Oh, good, you took my advice
and got him on medication.
397
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:27,699
Now can we talk about
my plan for composting?
398
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:29,400
Because I really...
399
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:32,971
It took a long time
for him to be annoying
400
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,139
in that exact spot,
but it was worth it.
401
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:43,314
Ernesto, will you help me
get Pepito ready for bed?
402
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,717
Uh, I just ate a whole pack
of beef jerky.
403
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:48,152
If I move,
I'm gonna fart.
404
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:51,556
Pepito, time to start thinking
about getting ready for bed!
405
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,391
(farts)
406
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,727
(groans)
407
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:58,897
If it's okay, I'm gonna
brush my teeth first.
408
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,166
Wow, he did that
without a fight.
409
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:04,102
All right, let's do
the other one.
410
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,436
Papi, time for bed!
411
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:06,871
PLÁCIDO:
Go to hell!
412
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,574
I'm watching Conan
on his pretend network.
413
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,542
(semitrailer blows horn)
414
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:12,944
Hey, George,
I'm looking for work.
415
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,545
I need to pay
for Gert's surgery.
416
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:17,515
Sorry, Bud, all the charity
stage time is filled up.
417
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,883
DEEJAY:
Mesothelioma?
418
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:21,786
More like,
mesotheli-oh-my-God,
419
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,488
what a performance!
420
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,859
We would like to dedicate
today's collection
421
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:29,193
to Gert Buckwald,
422
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,763
a very sweet, innocent
five-year-old girl
423
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,766
in need of a very serious
medical procedure.
424
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,768
ANNOUNCER: Money may or may not
actually go to Gert Buckwald. Please
425
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,603
make out all checks to Reverend
Fantastic's bail bondsman.
426
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,039
This church is not actually
a church. There is no God.
427
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:47,946
Hey, Bud, you look upset.
428
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:50,748
You know, my family uses
a great doctor in Mexico
429
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,617
who's less expensive
than American doctors.
430
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:56,788
Put my daughter's life in
the hands of a Mexican doctor?
431
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,993
(sighs) I guess I got
no other choice.
432
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,828
Well, at first I was
hesitant about going
433
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,663
to an American
doctor for Pepito.
434
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,098
But it worked
out great.
435
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,567
Trust me, Dr.
Gutierrez is the best.
436
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,402
He even did my
mustache enlargement
437
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,971
so I look tasteful
and natural.
438
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:14,906
Hey, Ernesto!
439
00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:18,042
Ugh, that's what a midlife
crisis looks like.
440
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:23,081
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Mexican Bachelorette.
441
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,816
Will you accept
this rose?
442
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,251
Yes.
Ten dollars, please.
443
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:29,654
I don't think he bought the rose
for the right reasons.
444
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,823
Ernesto, I'm worried
about Pepito.
445
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,925
Ever since he started
taking that medicine,
446
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:35,326
he's not himself
anymore.
447
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,761
Well, he's staying
out of trouble.
448
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,162
Isn't that
what we want?
449
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,164
Maria, the doctor told us
to give him the pills,
450
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,599
and I'm sure
he knows best.
451
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,601
I even started giving them
to Furnesto,
452
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,036
and now he's taught
himself to sing.
453
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,437
Ready, Furnesto?
454
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:47,438
Okay!
455
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,273
♪ My name is Furnesto ♪
456
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,608
♪ And this is my song ♪
457
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,477
♪ I like to be happy ♪
458
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,178
♪ And sing all day long. ♪
459
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,346
(screams)
460
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,181
He's an absolute dream!
461
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,050
(bird screeches,
hamsters scream)
462
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,125
I don't know
about this place.
463
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,860
If this is a real hospital,
464
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:11,362
how come they don't got a wing
named after a Jewish?
465
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,730
Oh, Maria, Ernesto.
466
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,632
Thank you guys so
much for helping us.
467
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,468
No problem, we even lit
a prayer candle for her.
468
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,404
To the patron saint
of fat kids.
469
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:24,242
He turned water into Kool-Aid
by adding Kool-Aid mix.
470
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:26,310
Dr. Gutierrez, thank you
for helping us
471
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:27,745
with our neighbor's surgery.
472
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:28,713
Of course, Maria.
473
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:29,814
Buenos días.
474
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,249
You listen
here, Doctor.
475
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,251
Gert is my daughter,
and I swear to God,
476
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:35,219
if you eat a taco
during that surgery,
477
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,588
I will murder your
entire family.
478
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,223
Who the hell told you
that you could speak
479
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,658
to Mexicans
like that?
480
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,060
One more word
out of you,
481
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,062
and I will let your fat pig
of a daughter die
482
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:45,496
in a trough
like she deserves!
483
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,532
Understood?!
Yes, sir.
484
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:48,933
Good.
485
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:50,902
Throw out
the surgery tacos.
486
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,375
Be strong, princess,
you're my little soldier.
487
00:17:57,377 --> 00:18:01,012
Mostly because we can't provide
good medical care for you.
488
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,348
Hey, Pepito, we may be
sitting here a while.
489
00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:06,350
You want to go outside
and kick a soccer ball?
490
00:18:06,352 --> 00:18:07,952
No, thanks, Papi.
491
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,388
Huh, I think you were right
about those pills.
492
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,390
I barely even recognize
him anymore.
493
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:15,526
Even his face is turning
into that of a boring child.
494
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,631
Okay, let's begin.
495
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,633
Oh, my poor baby.
496
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:25,269
Dear God, I know you're retired,
497
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,805
but I really need you to save
my sweet angel, Gert.
498
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,540
If you must kill a little girl,
499
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,976
I recommend Maddie Gibbons
at 8 Spruce Lane.
500
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,945
Her bedroom is the third window
on the left,
501
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,813
and she's always home
after 6:00.
502
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,783
Amen, starring Sherman Hemsley.
503
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:41,252
Janice, I don't
trust these doctors.
504
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:43,087
Don't worry,
Gert's gonna be fine.
505
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:45,623
She's got a long life
of heart surgeries ahead of her.
506
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,291
(gasps)
He's got a knife!
507
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,794
I'm going in there!
Bud, no!
508
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,797
What kind of pediatric surgeon
cuts open a little girl?!
509
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:53,898
Mr. Buckwald.
510
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,733
Ew, guts!
511
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,735
You contaminated
the patient!
512
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,737
Her heart is failing.
513
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:01,506
Oh, God,
what have I done?!
514
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,608
Hey, Daddy, look
at me, I'm flying!
515
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:04,976
(whoops)
516
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,844
Oh, my ghost heart!
517
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:15,186
My angel's gonna die,
and it's all my fault.
518
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:17,588
Don't worry, Dad,
if you want a new baby,
519
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:20,291
there's a whole room
of free ones.
520
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,693
Mr. Buckwald,
because of you,
521
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,128
your daughter suffered
heart failure
522
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,130
and required
an emergency transplant.
523
00:19:26,132 --> 00:19:28,466
We had no choice
but to give her a pig heart.
524
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,968
You gave my angel
a pig heart?!
525
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:32,970
It was the only
donor we had.
526
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,206
Could I have one final
moment with her?
527
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,009
I'm free!
528
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,810
Yay...!
529
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,712
But your daughter's
going to be okay.
530
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,614
Gert!
My princess.
531
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:45,550
I'm so glad
you're okay.
532
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:47,552
Me, too,
but heaven sure was fun.
533
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:51,022
Here's a tidbit--
no sign of Robin Williams.
534
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,957
Thanks for your help, Ernesto.
535
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:55,993
And, Dr. Gutierrez,
I was wrong about you.
536
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:57,862
You saved my
little angel.
537
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,630
What the hell
is that?
538
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,632
Oh, that happens whenever I
shake hands with a Mexican.
539
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,367
That's how
the show ends.
540
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:07,371
Oh, that's right, Pepito
still has a thing.
541
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,473
Get out of
here, rainbow!
542
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:10,875
Isn't this great,
Pepito?
543
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,211
Your little friend Gert
is all better.
544
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,813
Aah, that's it.
545
00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:17,548
No more of those
damn pills.
546
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,650
Janice, you have any more
of that "Go-Go juice" stuff
547
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,285
you used to give to Gert?
548
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,060
I'm bored, what
can I break?
549
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:31,195
(crashing) This is
the Pepito I want.
550
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:34,031
Yeah, the real
Pepito.
551
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:36,567
Look, people darts!
552
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,535
Ow! Aah!
553
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,170
Oh, cool, steroids!
554
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,339
Yes!
555
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:44,242
Aw, now I'll never be
Joe Rogan's friend.
556
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:48,212
Gert, we're so glad
you're okay.
557
00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:50,715
I would have given you my
own heart if I could have.
558
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:52,049
Oh, Daddy.
559
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:53,751
And I got you
a surprise.
560
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,186
Fudge-covered ribs.
561
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:56,220
(gasps)
562
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,888
(snorting)
563
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,523
Dad, what are
you doing?
564
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,859
Did you learn nothing
from the past two weeks?
565
00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:04,362
Yeah, I learned that even
though he might be hyper,
566
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,864
I love Pepito just
the way he is.
567
00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:09,900
And I learned that no matter
how bad I screw myself up,
568
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,869
Mexico can fix me.
569
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:12,937
(burps)
570
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,538
Yeah, let's eat!
571
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:19,910
Let him die.
572
00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:22,079
Captioned by