1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:04,069
(bird screeches)
2
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,248
(whistles)
3
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:20,886
Well, well.
Who do we have here?
4
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:23,722
(grunts)
What the NASCAR?!
5
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,790
Adios.
6
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,626
You son of a bitch!
7
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,061
Stop!
8
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:31,697
Whoa! Ow!
9
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:35,801
It's go time.
(siren wailing)
10
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,176
Gentlemen,
we have finally found
11
00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:46,578
the weakest link
in the U.S. border security.
12
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:49,181
His name... is Bud Buckwald.
13
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:52,051
Prepare to move our largest
heroin shipment ever
14
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:55,587
into the U.S.
through Mexifornia.
15
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:56,588
(ominous music plays)
16
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,023
(cell phone ringing)
17
00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,224
Mom, I can't talk right now.
18
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,426
I'm working.
19
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:02,227
Your hairdresser was beheaded?
20
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,429
No, that wasn't me.
21
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,364
Guys, did we behead
a hairdresser?
22
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,966
(snarling, growling)
23
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,703
Our enemies killed
your hairdresser.
24
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:14,239
They don't want you to date
now that Dad has passed.
25
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,275
No, that's not just me
being overprotective.
26
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:20,012
(crying): Why can't you
just be happy being a mom?
27
00:01:20,014 --> 00:01:22,247
(screeches)
28
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,955
♪ Ooh! ♪
29
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,957
♪ Ha! ♪
30
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,292
♪ Ooh! ♪
31
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,526
♪ Ha! ♪
32
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:35,861
Whoa!
33
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,942
Hey, Ma, check it out.
34
00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,877
For my next pageant,
I decided I'm gonna do
35
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:53,912
"Good Ship Lollipop"
like that crazy bitch
36
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,781
from a thousand years ago.
37
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,616
Ooh, that's great, Gert.
Let's see it.
38
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:58,750
Not now, you dum-dum.
39
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,786
I'm creating buzz.
40
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,421
Janice, what the hell?
Where's dinner?
41
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:04,490
You know what happens
when my blood sugar drops.
42
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:05,891
(air hissing)
43
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:08,527
Get the high-fructose
corn syrup!
44
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,299
Thank God diabetes doesn't
have any other symptoms.
45
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,135
Honey, I didn't
make dinner because
46
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,604
the Gonzalezes
invited us over for a barbecue.
47
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,272
Hola, Bud.
I'm eavesdropping.
48
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:22,107
And you said yes?!
49
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:25,144
Bud, it's to celebrate J.C.'s
engagement to your daughter,
50
00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:26,678
so we're going.
51
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,280
Put on a shirt, Sanford.
52
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,149
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?!
53
00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:31,483
Yes, I would.
54
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,618
Okay, then.
55
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,721
Your happiness means
the world to me.
56
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,125
Hola, Buckwalds.
57
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,593
So glad you could join us.
58
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,862
Bud, who's your
23-year-old girlfriend?
59
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,497
(laughs)
60
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:49,134
Stop coming on to my wife
like a cartoon skunk.
61
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:50,469
♪ ♪
62
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,037
Oh, your house is so lovely!
63
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,372
Oh, what the hell?
64
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,007
Your house can't be
nicer than ours!
65
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:56,542
We've been
in this country longer!
66
00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,477
Oh, Bud, how can
my house be nicer
67
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,213
when all of the neighborhood
rats clearly prefer yours?
68
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:03,115
Get out of there!
69
00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:05,684
Hey, that's my mom!
70
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,519
(festive music playing)
71
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,054
How can you afford
that grill?
72
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:11,190
I've been trying to save up
for one of them for years!
73
00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:12,691
Well, when you work
hard in America,
74
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,693
almost anything can
happen. Right, J.C.?
75
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,228
How's that job
search coming
76
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:18,630
after three degrees that
wiped out my savings?
77
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,065
Actually, I have a job.
78
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,233
I'm a custodian.
79
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:22,201
You are?
80
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,669
Yes. Of Earth.
81
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,037
Our mother Gaia.
82
00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,738
(plays short tune)
83
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,240
Oh. I was hoping
you were the kind
84
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,142
that cleans up (bleep)
for money.
85
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:32,244
Wow, nice place, Ernesto.
86
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,679
Yeah, great place, Gonzalez.
87
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:35,414
Too bad you got
that dump next door.
88
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,883
Oh, uh, I'm sure by "dump,"
89
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,719
you mean lovely home
with many fine details.
90
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,021
I thought that was a pile
of leftover foreskins
91
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:46,124
comedically arranged
to resemble a house.
92
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,528
Hey, Gert, what are you doing?
93
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,063
I'm almost five, George.
94
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,365
If I'm gonna be famous,
I got to get on with it
95
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,700
and find me a sugar daddy.
96
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,635
Here's what
I'm looking "fer":
97
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,372
You're asking a lot.
The only famous Mexifornian
98
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,441
is that squirrel
with the funny under-bite.
99
00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:04,910
But he blew
his fortune on acorns.
100
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,346
Who wants to hear
a story about El Cucuy,
101
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,881
the most evil monster
in all of Mexico?
102
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,117
El Cucuy is scary!
103
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,385
You want a real monster?
104
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,953
This guy is
the most famous, powerful,
105
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:18,123
wealthy and evil
drug lord in all of Mexico.
106
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,191
(gasps)
107
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,194
(roars)
108
00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:24,263
Oh, he got a kitty!
109
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:27,266
I must have him.
110
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,602
And that was the last time
any of us ever saw a newspaper.
111
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,137
Welcome, neighbors.
Maria and I
112
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:34,473
are so grateful you
could all join us.
113
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,208
Looking around,
I see what it is
114
00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:38,076
I love so much
about this country.
115
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,946
We've got a Native American,
an Asian couple,
116
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,315
a, uh...
Where are you from, Zeet?
117
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,716
(speaking native language)
118
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,084
Yeah, that country.
119
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,953
And I even managed
to find a white guy!
120
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,154
(laughter)
121
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,322
Is that some kind of insult?
122
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:51,657
We're still in charge!
123
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,992
We still have
the vice presidency!
124
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,927
(laughter)
125
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,463
Oh, Bud, you are a crazy guy.
I love it.
126
00:04:58,465 --> 00:04:59,998
Oh! I got stung by a bee!
127
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,433
Oh, bee, you are a crazy guy.
128
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,801
I love it.
129
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:03,835
I'll deport all of you!
130
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,304
Don't think I can't do it!
131
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,139
I swear to God!
(laughter)
132
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,473
Bud, don't get upset.
133
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,475
Nobody can understand you
when you're upset.
134
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,444
God-ja!
Stinging-dang-son-of-a-foul!
135
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,913
Cherdnitting fonging fing!
Crickindink!
136
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,082
Hey, I didn't know
you were a wind talker.
137
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,884
What?
138
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:25,457
Bud, it's okay that Ernesto has
nicer things than us.
139
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:27,025
We get by just fine.
140
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,928
Look, my great-grandfather
founded this town.
141
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,631
And he didn't throw dynamite
at a mountain full of Indians
142
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:36,501
just for his great-grandson
to get shown up by an immigrant.
143
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,036
Well, Ernesto works two jobs
144
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,038
and runs his own
landscaping business.
145
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,773
If it's that important to you,
146
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,709
maybe you should look
for a second job.
147
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,544
Damn right I'm gonna
find a second job!
148
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,713
I'm sick of having the worst
house in the neighborhood.
149
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,115
God, this place sucks.
150
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,852
I'm sorry! Come back!
151
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,020
What's happening?
152
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,055
Why are Dad
and House fighting?
153
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,191
Oh, Pablo.
154
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:02,194
Life with you would be
so perfect.
155
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,601
(crowd cheering)
156
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:33,725
(sighs) Pretty soon, Jamie Logan
won't be the only girl
157
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,895
in our class
to have an adult boyfriend.
158
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,266
Oh, hey, Bud.
Hey, Bryce.
159
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:43,235
Think you got an
axe in your head.
160
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:44,403
Wha...?
161
00:06:44,405 --> 00:06:46,071
Huh. Damn birds.
162
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,372
Some truce.
163
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,274
What are you looking
at them classifieds for?
164
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,376
Oh, just looking
for a second job.
165
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,745
Well, you know, a lot
of Mexicans pick up extra work
166
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,614
as day laborers,
hanging outside Garden Depot.
167
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,250
It must pay well,
since so many of them do it.
168
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,051
Huh, maybe that's
Ernesto's secret.
169
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,286
That's a great idea.
170
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,188
I'm tired of Ernesto
always flaunting
171
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,890
the fact that he's doing
better than me.
172
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:07,426
Look at him out there,
with his perfectly coiffed hair,
173
00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:10,362
always driving the latest
convertible sports mower.
174
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,396
Hey, Bud!
175
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,498
(gasps)
He talked to me!
176
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,103
Okay, men, here is the plan:
177
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,806
I will lure our border agent
friend away from his post,
178
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,942
then you drive the trucks across
the border and into the U.S.
179
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:28,046
Now, remember, if you fail,
I'll kill you and your families.
180
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,314
Okay, team. Hands in.
181
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,782
ALL:
Go, drugs!
182
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,118
Now, get out there
and have fun.
183
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,786
Hey, Americans!
184
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,956
I'm entering your country
illegally, you tiny-hatted,
185
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,392
chronically overweight,
celebrity-obsessed
186
00:07:40,394 --> 00:07:41,893
Facebook addicts!
187
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,395
You son of a bitch!
188
00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:44,796
Only right-wing talk show hosts
189
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,932
know what's wrong with America!
190
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,500
That's right, come get me,
191
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:51,636
you carbon-spewing
siesta haters!
192
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,605
You'll never outrun Lightning!
193
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,841
Buckwald, that horse
hasn't been tamed.
194
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,242
(Lightning neighs)
195
00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,977
(grunting and groaning)
196
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,481
(tires screeching)
197
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,985
(bird caws)
198
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,487
He was blocking the road!
199
00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:09,621
There was nothing we could do!
200
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,189
Please, Mr. Barracuda!
201
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,792
I'm afraid you've failed me
for the last time.
202
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,193
Where's my Beheadsman?
203
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,661
(thumping)
204
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:20,332
Hey, boss!
205
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,434
Need me to behead someone?
206
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:23,702
Yes. Juan here.
207
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,738
Juan! That's a great name!
208
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,608
He seemed nice.
209
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,110
All right,
see you guys later!
210
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,546
Perhaps this border agent
211
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,515
is more savvy than he appears.
212
00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:40,118
Fortunately, there are other
ways to gain his cooperation.
213
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,020
Bring Buckwald to me.
214
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,822
Lunch is here, Mr. Barracuda.
215
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,657
Bring my sandwich to me.
216
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:49,027
Ooh, last time you ate
at your desk, we got ants.
217
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,696
Bring me to my sandwich.
218
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,042
Yeah, those look like
the day laborers.
219
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,577
Drop me off over there.
220
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,879
I'm proud of your father
for taking on extra work.
221
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,348
Even if it is just
to outdo Ernesto.
222
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:13,518
You think immigrants get rich
by being day laborers?
223
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,720
The truth is those men
over there have more
224
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:19,324
of the American work ethic than
Americans like you ever will.
225
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,226
If Mexicans got such
a great work ethic,
226
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,028
then how do you explain Mexico?
227
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,563
That whole country is
like a cockfight
228
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:26,898
where neither bird
can finish the job.
229
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,402
Señor! Señor!
Pick me! Pick me!
230
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:32,103
Bud?
231
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,371
What are you doing here?
232
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:34,372
Uh, nothing.
233
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:36,074
Not trying to be
a day laborer.
234
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,375
That's for sure.
235
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:38,410
What are you doing here?
236
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,245
Me? Uh... uh,
237
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,881
not trying to hire cheap,
illegal labor for today's crew.
238
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:44,215
That's for sure.
239
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:46,618
Well, I'm glad we agree.
240
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:50,689
Yep. Good thing I drove out here
so we could have this chat.
241
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:52,791
(laborers clamoring)
242
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:53,925
Me! Me! White guy!
243
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,460
Right here!
Vampire Weekend!
244
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:56,962
Fondue! Khakis!
245
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,797
You, you, you, you and you.
246
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,533
Sorry, Bud. Damn it! Why
won't anyone pick me up?
247
00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:03,602
(helicopter whirring)
248
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,106
Bud Buckwald?
249
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,441
Yeah?
250
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,681
I'm so sick of Americans
taking our jobs.
251
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:31,663
Hello, Mr. Buckwald.
252
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,932
My name is Pablo Barracuda.
253
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,400
How do you know my name?
254
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:37,435
Let's just say I'm
a fan of your work.
255
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,804
Wow, you must make a lot
of money, Mr. Barracuda.
256
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,807
What do you do?
I, uh, invented the letter S.
257
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,343
I stole the idea from a snake.
258
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,145
With vast wealth,
259
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,614
I can afford
the finer things in life.
260
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,282
See that?
The Pacific Ocean?
261
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,851
No, that's my swimming pool.
262
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,619
I bought the Pacific Ocean,
drained it
263
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,287
and replaced it
with a saltwater
264
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,356
swimming pool
stocked with sea life.
265
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,291
Hey, you!
Get out of my pool!
266
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,193
MAN (over loudspeaker): Sorry!
We must've gotten turned around
267
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,663
while doing completely
heterosexual things!
268
00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:07,198
I also own the only
Zima bottling plant
269
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,667
left in the world.
270
00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,634
Would you like one?
271
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,836
Eh.
Me, neither.
272
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,774
Mr. Barracuda, is there a reason
you brought me here?
273
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:19,177
Mr. Buckwald, how would you
like to be in business with me?
274
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,680
No.
I won't take "no" for an answer.
275
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:22,847
Oh, then yes.
276
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,182
This is for today.
277
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,217
It's a token of
our new friendship.
278
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,686
Perhaps down the road,
279
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:30,021
there might be something
you could do for me.
280
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:33,391
Wow, being a day laborer is
the best job in the world!
281
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,827
Now I can quit my job
at the border station.
282
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,228
No, don't do that.
Why not?
283
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,963
I don't want
to tell you.
284
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:40,899
Well, then you got to tell me
a different secret.
285
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,200
How many girls
have you kissed?
286
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,535
Mine's two.
287
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,840
Oh, Bud, you're home
just in time for dinner.
288
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,208
Janice, throw that dinner out,
289
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,876
'cause I got an envelope
full of cash
290
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,412
that says we're eating
at Beef Corral tonight!
291
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:56,081
Wow, you've got
Beef Corral money?!
292
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,916
(cheers)
Oh, Bud.
293
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:00,251
I haven't had Beef Corral
since they catered our wedding.
294
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,220
Becky, are you ready
for the poetry reading?
295
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,755
Shut up, gorgeous.
296
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,724
We're going to Beef Corral!
297
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,660
(car alarm wailing)
298
00:12:08,662 --> 00:12:10,061
Boy, this is living, huh?
299
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,830
Janice, feel free to give me
300
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,732
that public cheek kiss
we've been talking about.
301
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,533
Oh, Bud.
302
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,569
And Gert,
my little angel.
303
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,003
I got your favorite.
304
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:21,573
Caramel-fudge-flavored
48-Hour Energy.
305
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,842
Oh, Daddy, you're
a cotton blossom.
306
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:29,080
(sighs) You're like an angel
who was too big to fly.
307
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,382
Where exactly did you come up
with this money?
308
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,785
For your information,
I met a rich businessman
309
00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,787
who asked me to consult
in his business.
310
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,222
And, Janice, to celebrate,
311
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,124
I bought something special
for you.
312
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:40,592
(gasps)
A ruby?
313
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,260
Not just any ruby.
314
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,729
The Mayans called it the
"Cursed Ruby of the Chactun."
315
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:45,964
They believed...
316
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,566
(shouts) Get rid of
it, get rid of it!
317
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:49,601
Hey, a ruby.
318
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:50,468
I'm rich!
319
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,370
(T. rex roars)
320
00:12:56,042 --> 00:12:58,810
Bud, maybe this is the universe
finally giving us a break
321
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,912
after all the years
of struggle and hardship
322
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,480
we've had to endure.
323
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:06,718
Maybe we should celebrate
your success by making love.
324
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,553
Honey, you know I
hate that phrase.
325
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,288
Can't you just say
"let's have sex"?
326
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,824
Okay, let's have sex.
327
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:15,960
ERNESTO: Bud, why are you hiding
in our garbage can?
328
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,797
BUD: What I do in the privacy
of your garbage can
329
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,965
is between me
and this chicken carcass.
330
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,971
Oh, Bud, it's so nice to
hear everyone commenting
331
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,439
on our beautiful home.
332
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,108
It's like we've
got dignity.
333
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,309
ERNESTO:
¡Hola, Bud!
334
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,977
Your house is
so beautiful.
335
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,846
Wow, look at that
awesome grill.
336
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,080
You're not jealous?
337
00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:38,016
Oh, why would I be jealous?
338
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,651
No, I'm happy for you.
339
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,653
I'll pay you $100
to act jealous.
340
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:45,490
Oh, Bud, your grill fills me
with such envy.
341
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:48,326
I could die from jealousy.
342
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,831
Wow, that's the largest TV
I've ever seen.
343
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,966
Okay, Bud,
now I'm jealous.
344
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,368
I thought so.
(chuckles)
345
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,305
Don't tell him we have
the same TV in our bathroom.
346
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:03,341
In other news,
Pablo Barracuda is suspected
347
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,476
in today's Mexico City
restaurant shootings.
348
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,544
Hey, there's my buddy.
349
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:07,846
That's your buddy?!
350
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,814
Do you have any
idea who that is?
351
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:12,650
Pablo Barracuda is
a notorious drug lord.
352
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,686
Drug lord? He's not a drug lord.
353
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,521
He hates drug lords.
354
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,023
He killed all the other
drug lords in Mexico.
355
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:22,360
Dad, this TV, the grill, it was
all bought with drug money.
356
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,561
(gasps) (gasps) Drug money?
357
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,996
Bud's not
legitimately rich?
358
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,698
Why are we watching
the news at a party?
359
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,533
Barracuda clearly
wants your help
360
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,068
getting drugs
into the country.
361
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,302
He does not!
362
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,904
My brother was killed
by a TV
363
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,572
bought with drug money,
you jerk!
364
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,708
I was in the bedroom trying on
your daughter's underwear
365
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,243
and heard what was
going on.
366
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:40,211
You, sir, are sick.
367
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,048
JANICE:
Bud, is what those people said
368
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,683
about your friend true?
369
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,151
Janice, what do you think?
370
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:48,920
Let me paint you a picture.
371
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:51,389
Bud Buckwald becomes wealthy,
and everyone's jealous.
372
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:52,724
So what do they do?
373
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,225
They come up
with something like this
374
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,560
to try to take him down a notch.
375
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,228
That's just human
nature, Janice.
376
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,863
I knew this
was coming.
377
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,899
I've made a list of those
I suspect are behind it.
378
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,600
And I've already
gotten them back
379
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:05,737
with a plan so clever
it will blow your mind.
380
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:08,273
ERNESTO: Hey, Bud,
did you poop on my porch?
381
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:09,908
Relax, Janice.
382
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:11,943
Mr. Barracuda doesn't want
anything from me.
383
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,344
(phone rings)
384
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,246
Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Barracuda.
385
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,614
Barracuda?!
Mister?
386
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,850
That fish thinks
he's people.
387
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:20,752
Bud, remember when I said
388
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,754
I might need a favor
from you someday?
389
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,756
Well, that day has come.
What is it?
390
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:27,125
I'd rather not discuss it
over the phone,
391
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,961
so I'd like you and your family
to join me for dinner tomorrow.
392
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,763
Nothing too fancy.
393
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,432
Just wear whatever you'd wear
to your own funerals.
394
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:37,568
Uh, Mr. Barracuda,
you're not a drug lord, are you?
395
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,437
(laughing):
What? Of course not.
396
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,473
Don't make me laugh,
you silly goose.
397
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:43,908
(snickering)
398
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,276
(snorts)
399
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,245
Oh, Mr. Buckwald,
come to dinner.
400
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,648
You wouldn't want your family
to disappear, would you?
401
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,084
Hell, yeah, I would!
We'll be there!
402
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,887
See? He didn't want me to
smuggle any drugs for him.
403
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:58,456
He just wanted to invite
us over for dinner. What?
404
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,559
Oh, God, I got five pounds
to lose before tomorrow.
405
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,594
All right, Mr. Chilean miner.
406
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,330
Hope you brought your head lamp,
407
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:07,632
'cause you gonna be
down there for a while.
408
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,607
Barracuda lives here?
409
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:18,576
Man, his parents must be loaded.
410
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,345
This was a bad idea, Dad.
411
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,313
Barracuda is a
murderous thug.
412
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:25,516
I will not have you sully the
good name of a man who gave me
413
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:28,252
a large sum of money
for something he didn't explain!
414
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:30,021
BARRACUDA: Mr. Buckwald,
I'm so glad you
415
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:32,790
and your family could
join me for dinner.
416
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:34,158
I hope it's to
your liking.
417
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,493
Would you like
any more...?
418
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,761
(silenced gunshot)
419
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,329
(screaming)
420
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,031
Sorry about that.
421
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,867
Just to be safe, I have to
begin dinners with a decoy.
422
00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:45,336
Mr. Buckwald,
I'm so glad you
423
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,505
and your family could
join me for dinner.
424
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,973
SANFORD:
Why are these ceilings so high?
425
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,942
You got a really tall
baby or something?
426
00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:52,243
(booming)
427
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:53,978
Oh, my God.
428
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,346
Is that a missile?
429
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,547
Oh, that?
430
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,383
No, no, that's,
uh, a football.
431
00:16:58,385 --> 00:16:59,650
Neighborhood
kids, huh?
432
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,652
Uh, Hector,
I'm having dinner.
433
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,921
Would you please deal
with these kids?
434
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,363
(people scream)
435
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,799
Kids, they blow up so fast.
436
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:15,800
Here's my number.
437
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:16,801
It's a seven.
438
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,069
It's my favorite.
439
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,038
(bird screeches)
440
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,707
Mr. Barracuda, why did
you invite us here?
441
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,575
I wanted to meet
your family.
442
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:28,012
I also have one tiny
cocaine-granule-sized favor
443
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:29,714
to ask of your father.
444
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:32,650
You see, I'd like to move
my family to Mexifornia.
445
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,052
I have several moving trucks,
446
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,020
and, well, Bud,
I was wondering
447
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,489
if you could spare us
the hassle of customs.
448
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,891
I guess so.
449
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,859
Bud, that makes me
so happy.
450
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,328
If there's anything you want,
anything at all,
451
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,097
tell me, and I will
make it so.
452
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:47,698
I want a thigh gap.
What?
453
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,200
I don't want my
thighs to touch.
454
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:50,635
Figure it out.
455
00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:54,072
Listen, Pablo, let's
cut to the chase.
456
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,406
I need a sugar daddy,
457
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,442
and I think we was
meant to be together.
458
00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,877
I'm flattered, but you look
like someone stepped
459
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,913
on that lady from
The Drew Carey Show.
460
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:03,081
(sighs)
461
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,916
Well, I gave it
my best shot.
462
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,785
Before I go, could I
just have one kiss?
463
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,287
Of course.
464
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,856
You skunk-headed,
dog-wrestling...!
465
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,458
Get this pit bull off me!
466
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,926
Beheadsman, do something!
467
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,094
Okay, boss.
468
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,562
(Gert shouting)
469
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:20,965
You mustached, beach ball
son of a bitch...!
470
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:23,801
Well, another party ends
driving around the desert
471
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:25,837
looking for where Gert landed.
472
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,642
Bud, why won't you admit
what Barracuda really is?
473
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:35,113
Is this all just so you can
be better off than Ernesto?
474
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,914
(sighs)
You want to know why?
475
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,951
Because that means I got to go
back to being the old Bud,
476
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,086
the Bud who can't provide
for his family.
477
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,721
You want to go
back to struggling
478
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,456
and scraping
just to get by?
479
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,058
What about the money?
480
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:49,093
Bud, you've never done
anything for the money.
481
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:50,761
That's why we're poor.
482
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,264
That's why we only flush
our toilets once a week,
483
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:56,667
and why I let my broken arm
heal without a cast.
484
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,936
But that's also
what makes you a hero.
485
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:01,772
You became a border agent,
not for the money,
486
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:05,576
but because you chose to serve
a cause greater than yourself.
487
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:08,513
And all those neighbors you're
trying so hard to impress--
488
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:11,516
they owe their very safety
and security to you.
489
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:14,519
Wow, I guess I am kind of
a hero, aren't I?
490
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:16,787
That's something Ernesto
will never be.
491
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,656
Janice, if you'll
excuse me,
492
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,459
I've got a drug
smuggler to stop.
493
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,928
If I die, tell the
toilet I love him.
494
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,997
MALE VOICE:
Why don't you tell me yourself?
495
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,365
Stop eavesdropping!
496
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,400
You know I do!
497
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:38,342
Mr. Buckwald, just the man
I wanted to see.
498
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,178
I believe
we had a deal.
499
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,546
Sorry, Barracuda.
500
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,514
The only deal I have
is with America
501
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,483
and the family of
the girl I ran over.
502
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,618
I have to do chores at
their house every week
503
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,187
for the rest
of my life.
504
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,189
It's, uh... it's
a nightmare.
505
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,757
Kill him!
506
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,299
Buckwald, what's going
on? I heard shots.
507
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,234
I'll tell you
what's going on, Steve.
508
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:07,205
I've got Pablo Barracuda,
and I'm delivering him DOA.
509
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,207
You idiot, that's
not Barracuda.
510
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,609
That's his decoy.
What?!
511
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,614
Hey, Steve, you got a
suspicious truck incoming.
512
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,585
That's Barracuda's truck.
513
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,019
Crap, we'll never catch him.
514
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,921
Steve, hop on.
515
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:27,291
Hold tight, 'cause this
sports mower's got turbo.
516
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,462
Well, at least
I killed a guy.
517
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,100
(birds tweet, then stop)
MAN: Shut up!
518
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,002
I'm standing here
with Ernesto Gonzalez,
519
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,037
who single-handedly brought
about the biggest drug bust
520
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,272
in U.S. history.
521
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,940
You are a true
American patriot.
522
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:44,875
Would you mind if I stroked
your heroic mustache?
523
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,077
Why don't you ask him?
524
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,245
His name is El Guapo.
525
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,879
Can I pet you,
El Guapo?
526
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:51,282
(falsetto):
Okay, but be gentle.
527
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:53,751
Gonzalez will receive
a $10,000 reward
528
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,554
for his efforts in helping
protect America's border.
529
00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,256
(crying)
530
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:02,093
Mmm, you gave up your dreams
to protect our country today.
531
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,095
Even if you didn't catch
the real Barracuda,
532
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:05,696
you're still my hero.
533
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,265
Thanks, Janice.
534
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:10,101
And now I'm going to give you
a hero's reward.
535
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,769
What do you
mean by that?
536
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,071
Oh, you know exactly
what it means.
537
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,273
(glass shatters)
538
00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:18,943
(Bud grunts)
539
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,746
Gert, find Mommy the tent
and the boom box.
540
00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:24,148
I'm taking the party to Daddy.
541
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,250
ERNESTO: Bud, do you want me
to take you to my garbage?
542
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:28,252
BUD:
Yes, please.
543
00:21:28,254 --> 00:21:30,288
(groans)
You're a good friend, Ernesto.
544
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:32,523
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH