1
00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:18,250
102.

2
00:00:23,530 --> 00:00:24,610
Now, where was I?

3
00:00:25,050 --> 00:00:28,830
Due to the unprecedented heat wave. Due
to the unprecedented heat wave.

4
00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:33,310
Force backs to personnel will not be
required to wear a tie. Oh, Captain

5
00:00:34,050 --> 00:00:34,869
Colonel Hall.

6
00:00:34,870 --> 00:00:37,870
Yes, Captain. Did you okay this furlough
for Sergeant Bilko?

7
00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:41,090
Yes, it's an emergency furlough. It
seems that a land of his up in northern

8
00:00:41,090 --> 00:00:43,090
Wisconsin has been afflicted with a rare
disease.

9
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,110
Another relative, another rare disease.

10
00:00:45,730 --> 00:00:48,870
Isn't it strange, Colonel, when it's
bitter cold here, there's always an

11
00:00:48,870 --> 00:00:50,470
of his in Florida who breaks down.

12
00:00:51,090 --> 00:00:54,210
Now, during the heat wave, it's an aunt
up north who is stricken.

13
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,460
During the World Series, it was an uncle
in Brooklyn who kept calling for him to

14
00:00:58,460 --> 00:00:59,460
listen to Ben.

15
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,580
Now, Colonel, isn't there an obvious
conclusion?

16
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,819
Yes, Bilko comes from a very weak stock.

17
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:09,300
And another thing, this amateur talent
show.

18
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,420
Obviously a Bilko promotion to finance
his vacation.

19
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,700
What's wrong with the talent show? How
do you know it's Bilko?

20
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:16,740
Oh, tickets, two dollars.

21
00:01:16,980 --> 00:01:18,420
Oh, yes, that's Bilko, all right.

22
00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:23,840
Now, look, Ben, I can only point the way
to culture. I can't force you.

23
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,300
Captain Barker, that the heat won't stop
us. Oh, Captain Barker, this is a

24
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,059
surprise, sir.

25
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,580
Get these books over to the Colonel's
house.

26
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,240
Well, sir, the men are working so hard,
I can hardly hear what the Captain is

27
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,500
saying. I said get these books over to
the Colonel's house. Right away, sir.

28
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,380
Thank you, sir. All right, men, let's
get those hinges moving.

29
00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:45,760
Let everybody... He's gone. He's gone.

30
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:50,500
That's only two dollars a ticket, men.
That's all it is. Two dollars a ticket.

31
00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:52,200
You peasants.

32
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,080
Sarge, why don't you forget about it?
Kandowski.

33
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,320
Songs for a Coleman tissue paper.

34
00:01:57,580 --> 00:01:59,380
Fleischman singing. They ain't going to
give us two bucks for that.

35
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:00,640
You're right.

36
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,580
We've got to get a new name. A headline.
Somebody a little drawn name. Sarge,

37
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:07,000
get a load of this. What is it? The
Howitzer, 1922.

38
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,900
Howitzer? What's that? The yearbook at
West Point. The year the colonel

39
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,560
graduated. Look, here's the colonel.

40
00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:13,680
Hey, he had hair. He looks funny.

41
00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:17,160
All people look funny with hair.

42
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,340
Here's the baiting team. Oh, get this.

43
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:31,120
Here's to Jack Hall, who tried our
patience with his endless barnyard

44
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,040
imitations. Barnyard?

45
00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:36,420
Can you just picture the Colonel doing
barnyard imitations?

46
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,280
What's the matter, Sarge?

47
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,900
Gentlemen, we have just found the star
of our show.

48
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:47,220
You're calling off your talent show, eh?
Oh, I had to, Colonel. It's just not

49
00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:48,520
enough talent on the post, sir.

50
00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:52,100
Talent is a rare thing, Bill Joe. Oh,
how right the Colonel is. Look at this

51
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,160
measly program we prepared.

52
00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,910
Private Fleischman in songs that stir
the heart.

53
00:02:56,450 --> 00:02:58,950
Corporal Kandowski in his comb and
tissue paper cadenza.

54
00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:01,470
And then I wish to come on, sir. There
it is.

55
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:04,230
Sergeant Bilko in his barnyard
imitations.

56
00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:07,250
Well, I guess I won't keep you any
longer, sir. Thank you. Oh, wait, Bilko.

57
00:03:09,050 --> 00:03:13,450
You do barnyard imitations? Oh, yes,
sir. And if I may say so myself, sir,

58
00:03:13,450 --> 00:03:15,950
rather good at it. Really? Would the
colonel like a small sample?

59
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,329
Oh, I'd love it.

60
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:18,330
All right, sir.

61
00:03:18,530 --> 00:03:21,690
I call this, this is my favorite,
Rooster at Dawn.

62
00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:29,719
was a rooster?

63
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,900
Yes, sir. I call it crowing in the dawn.

64
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:35,720
You haven't been around farms very much,
have you, Belko? Well, not lately. Why,

65
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:36,780
have the sounds changed, sir?

66
00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:39,540
About trace.

67
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,100
Sir,

68
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,360
there's a rooster on the post.

69
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,280
I know how the colonel doesn't like
lights. I'll get a detail and find him,

70
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,780
Stop barking, Belko. That was no
rooster. That was I.

71
00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,480
You, sir?

72
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,120
Oh, the colonel is surely pulling my
leg.

73
00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:06,160
Oh, sir, really, the human voice
couldn't capture the sound, that

74
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,220
sound that I just heard of the king of
the henhouse arrogance, sir.

75
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:10,520
Really, sir,

76
00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:12,720
that is amazing, sir.

77
00:04:12,980 --> 00:04:17,040
Well, I've met my match, sir. I've done
my last cock -a -doodle -doo.

78
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,079
No, don't take it that way. Anyway,
Bilko, that was a nice cock -a -doodle

79
00:04:21,079 --> 00:04:25,300
you did. No, sir. You're trying to be
kind, sir. It just happens that I... You

80
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:29,420
have it and I haven't, sir. I see it,
sir. Believe me, I admit defeat. I'll

81
00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:30,420
never do that again.

82
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,140
Oh, that rooster was nothing.

83
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,600
That's just part of my repertory.

84
00:04:35,140 --> 00:04:38,840
Sir, you do other imitations of that
nature, sir?

85
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:42,320
Oh, please, sir. We have such little fun
on the post. I wish you would do one

86
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:46,000
more or two, would you, sir? Oh, please,
sir. Please, I beg you. As one rooster

87
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,000
man to another, sir.

88
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,920
Well, since you put it that way. Oh,
this is terribly kind of the kettle.

89
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,360
Nobody there.

90
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:56,860
By now, just this once.

91
00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,490
Yes, sir. And I appreciate this, sir.
Now, we'll set the scene. See, this is a

92
00:05:00,490 --> 00:05:03,530
barnyard, and there are a lot of
chickens going around clucking on a

93
00:05:03,530 --> 00:05:06,710
Sunday morning, picking up corn here and
there. And over here, there's a little

94
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:09,990
dog behind the chicken coop. A little
dog? The panel does little dogs, too.

95
00:05:09,990 --> 00:05:12,850
he runs out, and he attacks the chicken,
you see. And then there's a big dog

96
00:05:12,850 --> 00:05:16,470
behind the barn. And he runs out, and he
attacks the little dog. Oh. And then

97
00:05:16,470 --> 00:05:20,250
the rooster, he stops the fight. Oh, how
interesting. Now, here it is. Yes, sir.

98
00:05:31,219 --> 00:05:32,720
Oh, that's the little dog.

99
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:40,360
Oh,

100
00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:50,840
what's the matter, Belko? I'll be all
right, sir.

101
00:05:53,930 --> 00:05:56,090
Yes, I'm crying, and not a shade of it,
sir.

102
00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:58,990
I'm crying when I think of all the men
on this post who are entertainment

103
00:05:58,990 --> 00:06:03,070
-starved. Entertainment -starved because
that silly rule says professionals

104
00:06:03,070 --> 00:06:05,910
cannot compete in amateur contests, sir.
No, professional. I'm not a

105
00:06:05,910 --> 00:06:09,250
professional, Bill. You're not, sir.
Well, you must have had the desire

106
00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:12,290
in the early part of your life to bring
this entertainment to audiences, sir.

107
00:06:13,090 --> 00:06:14,850
Oh, well, to tell you the truth, I...

108
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,220
I did think one time about getting in
touch with that salute to the Army show

109
00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:21,660
that Ed Sullivan puts on. Ed Sullivan.
So I have to be privileged to say that I

110
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:25,180
know him quite well. Oh, lately, he is
the winner of my amateur show. We'll be

111
00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:29,280
on salute to the Army. Oh, an amateur
show. Oh, sir, you have to. Oh, look,

112
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,240
put you right after Kodowski solo. Oh,
sir.

113
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,040
No, it'll be a triumph, sir. A triumph.

114
00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:35,380
Sir.

115
00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:42,980
Well, you might mention to Ed Sullivan
that I do starting the Tin Lizzy on a

116
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:43,980
cold day.

117
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,160
Starring the Tinley?

118
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,980
No, no, no. Save it. Don't give it all
to him.

119
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,140
Save that for one of the Spectaculars.
Oh, this will be wonderful.

120
00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:54,860
Spectacular.

121
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,840
Men, I've got news for you. Is everybody
here?

122
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,920
I've got news for you. You got the
tickets?

123
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:04,940
I've got news for you about the talent
show. So have I.

124
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:06,540
Your show has been cancelled.

125
00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:10,300
Cancelled? So, well, it was a
legitimate... It was cancelled for

126
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:11,300
reasons. Discipl...

127
00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:15,560
I told you not to hang the wash on the
regimental cannon, and you, baking

128
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,060
in the helmets. Sir, I'll question these
men. It's not your men, Bilko, it's

129
00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:22,680
you. Me, sir? Yes, I just checked on
that emergency fellow of yours to

130
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:26,640
Wisconsin. We had a great deal of
trouble locating your aunt. Oh, well,

131
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,780
sir, she is bedridden, and it's
difficult to get her to the phone, sir.

132
00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:30,780
was out water skiing.

133
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:31,960
Water skiing?

134
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,840
Water skiing? Well, you see, it's that
new therapy. They get them right out of

135
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,880
bed and get the circulation going.
Enough, Bilko.

136
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:38,720
Enough. I can't get over it.

137
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,500
Bilko, a master sergeant, lying.

138
00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:45,380
Oh, sir, I'm really ashamed. I don't
know what got into you. It must be this

139
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:48,360
heat, sir. I have trouble perspiring. I
have small pores.

140
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:52,620
Now get those records and trucks
rolling.

141
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,440
I'll do that immediately. Thank you,
sir. You heard it, Colonel. Get those

142
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,480
records rolling. Get everything on our
back.

143
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:06,860
And here is another sappho that my lady
will be wearing this winter.

144
00:08:07,919 --> 00:08:09,160
Sarge, you got a load of that lead?

145
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:12,480
Goldman, please, not my ear, please.

146
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,600
Come on, Sarge, take it easy. You'll get
used to the heat.

147
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:18,280
Hey, look.

148
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:23,740
While the country is sweltered, these
happy G .I .s enjoy a well -earned

149
00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:27,940
vacation in the Army's new rescan, high
in the cool, cool Rocky Mountains of

150
00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:28,940
Colorado.

151
00:08:29,260 --> 00:08:32,600
Inaugurated by the Psychological
Division of the Army Special Services,

152
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,610
Paradise is a revitalizing center for
soldiers who... show dangerous disease

153
00:08:36,610 --> 00:08:38,929
signs and evidences of cracking up.

154
00:08:39,730 --> 00:08:41,570
Why, doesn't that look refreshing?

155
00:08:41,929 --> 00:08:42,929
Yes.

156
00:08:44,730 --> 00:08:46,410
Doesn't that snow look cool?

157
00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:47,730
Yes.

158
00:08:48,470 --> 00:08:53,510
At the Pentagon in Washington, Major C
.W. Plant explains this new bug.

159
00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:59,050
Our purpose is to check army reports
sent in by the men for signs of fatigue

160
00:08:59,050 --> 00:09:02,470
psychiatric disturbances, and then it's
on to Camp Paradise.

161
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,650
Those lucky bums.

162
00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:05,890
Yes.

163
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:08,189
Let's go.

164
00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:10,250
Wait a minute. But you're right. We
didn't even see the cartoon.

165
00:09:10,470 --> 00:09:11,470
We didn't even see the cartoon.

166
00:09:12,650 --> 00:09:15,090
We've got to get back to camp and send
those reports in to Washington.

167
00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:18,290
Reports? Yes, sir. When you list the
personnel of our barracks, be sure to

168
00:09:18,290 --> 00:09:20,390
include the name Private Marilyn Monroe.

169
00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:22,210
Marilyn Monroe and our platoon?

170
00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:23,470
Sons don't think we're nuts.

171
00:09:23,750 --> 00:09:25,050
They won't think we're nuts.

172
00:09:25,830 --> 00:09:30,350
They'll just think we show signs of
fatigue and psychiatric disturbances.

173
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,300
friend on inspection to her affordback,
sir, requests to see Sergeant Bill Post

174
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,300
Platoon immediately.

175
00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:46,700
Ha! Get down to the airport. The minute
your eyes bring him right up, he'll be

176
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:47,439
on the other side.

177
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,440
Help! Hello.

178
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:51,980
Doberman, you got the fur coat and the
whip ready? But, Sarge, I roasted that.

179
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,860
Think of the snow, that cool snow. But,
Sarge, if he inspects the other outfits

180
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:57,760
on the post, he's going to suspect
something. They're normal.

181
00:09:58,220 --> 00:09:59,220
They were normal.

182
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:00,520
I'm making my move.

183
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,960
Now, look, you guys, rest, rest, so
you'll show signs of fatigue.

184
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:08,440
Ernie, what's the insight on this major
coming from Washington? Who's he after?

185
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,640
Who's he after?

186
00:10:09,850 --> 00:10:11,450
You're in quartermasters and you don't
know?

187
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:15,630
Post? You just won't read those alert
sheets, huh? You won't read the

188
00:10:15,630 --> 00:10:18,050
huh? Bulletins? Riley, get me off! It's
too late.

189
00:10:18,430 --> 00:10:19,950
It's about defective army shirts.

190
00:10:20,650 --> 00:10:23,610
Defective army shirts? Yeah, he'll have
some with him to see if you know... He

191
00:10:23,610 --> 00:10:25,590
wants to see if you know the tensile
strength test.

192
00:10:25,830 --> 00:10:28,130
Well, Ernie, you know we got no testing
lab on this post.

193
00:10:28,450 --> 00:10:29,650
You won't read the bulletins, huh?

194
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,650
He'll want to know if you know the
emergency tensile strength test. The

195
00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:36,170
emergency tensile strength test? Uh
-huh. What's that?

196
00:10:36,790 --> 00:10:37,489
What's that?

197
00:10:37,490 --> 00:10:39,390
Look, I got my own problems. Figure it
out.

198
00:10:40,990 --> 00:10:41,990
Figure it out.

199
00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:44,070
Beautiful dreamer.

200
00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:48,010
But Ernie, this page is from special
services. This is a signal cord. Sure,

201
00:10:48,070 --> 00:10:50,390
that's the way they catch you using
obsolete procedure.

202
00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:52,210
Stand by, please. Obsolete procedure?

203
00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:56,090
You won't read the bulletins, huh?
Bulletin 647, you know, the new security

204
00:10:56,090 --> 00:11:00,410
code? Ernie, who reads bulletins? Who? I
read them. I read them. Come and see,

205
00:11:00,450 --> 00:11:03,750
come. Now, for instance, I know that the
signal cord has found out from

206
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:04,970
upstairs, the top brass.

207
00:11:05,740 --> 00:11:10,240
that special messages cannot be decoded
by the enemy if they're done in song.

208
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:11,440
In song?

209
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:14,660
Now look, this is the last time I'm
going to bail you out, Grover.

210
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,000
These guys all right? Sure.

211
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:22,360
The special security song this week, The
Old Oaken Bucket.

212
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:29,440
The Old Oaken Bucket. The Old Oaken
Bucket, what's that?

213
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,080
Why don't you read the bulletin?

214
00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:37,070
Oh, gonna get your picture in all those
army manuals?

215
00:11:37,290 --> 00:11:38,209
My picture?

216
00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:40,890
Sure, that's what the major's here for
inspection. He wants to find pictures

217
00:11:40,890 --> 00:11:43,050
the right and wrong way for the cooking
manuals.

218
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:44,250
My picture?

219
00:11:44,550 --> 00:11:45,409
What are you making?

220
00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:46,410
Split pea soup.

221
00:11:46,430 --> 00:11:49,690
Ah. Suppose you're making it the right
way? Oh, sure. According to the army

222
00:11:49,690 --> 00:11:51,030
manual, you know, cooks and bakers.

223
00:11:51,930 --> 00:11:52,909
What's the matter?

224
00:11:52,910 --> 00:11:55,410
They got millions of pictures showing
the right way.

225
00:11:55,690 --> 00:11:58,090
What they're looking for is pictures
showing the wrong way.

226
00:11:59,330 --> 00:12:02,230
Shame you don't look so good in those
lights. Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

227
00:12:02,230 --> 00:12:03,470
Be your name's own dreamer.

228
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:07,540
What's the wrong way to make soup?

229
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:12,380
I remember you guys. Just the
indications of what I told you to do. Be

230
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:16,600
you know? Hey, Sarge! Sarge! He's here!
Oh, well, Private Doberman, that's a

231
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,020
wonderful piston rod, and you worked it
out brilliantly. Sergeant Bilko?

232
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:20,160
Sergeant, did you call me?

233
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:24,380
Major, this is a tremendous surprise.
How do you do, sir? How do you do,

234
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,200
Sergeant? Sergeant, I'm here because of
some irregularities I found in your

235
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:31,920
records. The regularities are my
records. Well, sir, I'm sure they all

236
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,960
They're right here, sir. Father, will
you take this bag? Oh, thank you, sir.

237
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,920
Thank you. Rybert, come back here,
Flashman. You'll return that bag to the

238
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,500
immediately. But, sir, he'll return it.
Sir, it was very nice of you. It was a

239
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:45,360
nice gesture, but the men are not
allowed to accept gifts. Thank you very

240
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,160
No, sir, you don't apologize.

241
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:52,340
It's not your fault, sir. It's his eyes.
They're continually begging. We call

242
00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:53,420
him Sheepy around here.

243
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,360
Ashamed of you, Flashman. Ashamed.

244
00:12:55,790 --> 00:12:59,070
If you wanted a bag, why didn't you say
so? We would have knitted you one. Now,

245
00:12:59,090 --> 00:12:59,849
stop that.

246
00:12:59,850 --> 00:13:02,230
But, Sergeant, I merely want him to
carry it for me.

247
00:13:02,810 --> 00:13:03,810
Oh.

248
00:13:04,790 --> 00:13:08,810
Just carry it, and I thought you would
give it. Oh, Sid. All right, Leisman.

249
00:13:08,890 --> 00:13:10,010
go. Last touch.

250
00:13:10,210 --> 00:13:11,210
Goodie.

251
00:13:12,730 --> 00:13:14,110
He's overdoing it, but...

252
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:18,930
What about the record, sir? Oh, now,
Sergeant, we received this personnel

253
00:13:18,930 --> 00:13:22,390
from you, which included a Private
Marilyn Monroe in your platoon.

254
00:13:22,790 --> 00:13:23,790
Private Marilyn?

255
00:13:23,830 --> 00:13:25,850
Oh, that must be a mistake, sir.

256
00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:29,710
Due to the heat, you know. Oh, I see.
One of those little mistakes. Well, of

257
00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:31,830
course. Private Marilyn. How ridiculous.

258
00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:33,790
She's a corporal.

259
00:13:34,990 --> 00:13:36,290
A corporal? Oh, yes.

260
00:13:36,910 --> 00:13:40,630
Oh, of course, of course. Sergeant
Bilko, have you noticed any other

261
00:13:40,630 --> 00:13:41,790
effects due to the heat?

262
00:13:42,010 --> 00:13:45,370
Well, none. I mean, on the whole, my men
are normal men, you see.

263
00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:49,190
Excuse me, Sarge, I've got to make a
phone call, Eddie. The men are normal in

264
00:13:49,190 --> 00:13:50,190
every aspect.

265
00:13:50,370 --> 00:13:51,890
They're just very happy if... Yes?

266
00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:54,690
Hello, is that you, Ed?

267
00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:57,090
Private Paparelli, is this a personal
call?

268
00:13:57,410 --> 00:13:59,510
Well, no, Sarge. When you get back to
work, I'm a double.

269
00:13:59,810 --> 00:14:01,430
Sorry, can you call that normal?

270
00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:03,570
Private Paparelli, I'm a double.

271
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,200
You hang that phone back on the hook,
quickly.

272
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:07,600
There's a good one.

273
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:12,340
Yes, sir. As I was saying, the men on
the whole are very normal. They are very

274
00:14:12,340 --> 00:14:15,980
proud of their work. Normal and... Oh,
sir, excuse me. You have that wrong,

275
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,480
Hallucinations with two L's, sir. H -A
-L -L, sir. Merch!

276
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,580
Merch! Merch!

277
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,100
Merch! Merch! Merch!

278
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:25,059
Merch! Merch!

279
00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:25,919
Merch! Merch!

280
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:26,319
Merch! Merch! Merch!

281
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:27,320
Merch! Merch!

282
00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:30,580
Merch!

283
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,020
Sir, you saw a sled and dog?

284
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,200
No, no, I didn't. Sir, please forgive
me, but perhaps the seat is new to the

285
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,060
Major. Perhaps a cold towel, sir? No,
no, no, no, I'm fine.

286
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:46,840
But you were asking about if the men are
normal. I say, you were asking... You

287
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,380
were asking if the men... You were
asking... Oh, who can talk about this

288
00:14:50,740 --> 00:14:52,320
Racket? Ah, there.

289
00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:53,780
They stopped.

290
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:54,979
What stopped?

291
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:55,980
The tom -toms.

292
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,860
The tom -toms. Yes, sir.

293
00:15:06,570 --> 00:15:09,070
These are... Ah.

294
00:15:10,190 --> 00:15:11,129
They've stopped?

295
00:15:11,130 --> 00:15:12,130
What's that say?

296
00:15:12,390 --> 00:15:13,490
The tom -toms.

297
00:15:13,890 --> 00:15:15,330
You hear tom -toms, sir?

298
00:15:16,670 --> 00:15:19,350
Perhaps the heat is too much, sir, and
you're a little exhausted. Could that

299
00:15:19,490 --> 00:15:22,210
No, no, no. I'm not exhausted, Sergeant.
It's you and your men who are

300
00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:25,370
exhausted. And I'm going to do something
about it. He's going to do something.

301
00:15:26,150 --> 00:15:27,150
Captain Barker.

302
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,440
May I present Major Friend, sir?

303
00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:29,880
Oh, how do you do, Major?

304
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,240
I was supposed to be notified the moment
you arrived.

305
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:35,260
Captain, I've seen enough of this
platoon to know that... Major, I don't

306
00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:38,260
what you've seen or heard, but please
don't take this platoon as an indication

307
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:40,880
of what the rest of the post is like.
Well, of course not, sir. I was just

308
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,640
to show the Major around the rest of the
post. You love our quartermaster, do

309
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,720
you? Come this way, sir. There are a
grand bunch of them.

310
00:15:47,290 --> 00:15:51,030
Yes, Major, this is Sergeant Pendleton.
We're proud of Andy Arani. Oh, he does a

311
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:53,210
bang -up job. He's got both feet solid
on the ground.

312
00:15:53,450 --> 00:15:56,290
I'm certainly glad to hear that. Oh,
yes, he's always up on the new Army

313
00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:57,209
directive, sir.

314
00:15:57,210 --> 00:16:00,590
That's my shirt. Yes, sir. Army
specification number E -642.

315
00:16:00,830 --> 00:16:03,430
Isn't that magnificent? Right on the
nose. You knew it, didn't you? Emergency

316
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:04,430
test.

317
00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:14,190
Defective. Defective.

318
00:16:15,630 --> 00:16:18,510
sir. Good boy. Good boy. Don't arouse
him, sir. Please pay attention like

319
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:21,430
nothing happened, sir. They'll be all
right. But, Sergeant, does this always

320
00:16:21,430 --> 00:16:23,170
happen? Oh, good heavens, no.

321
00:16:24,010 --> 00:16:26,710
Only when there's a full moon. Would you
like to see the signal cord?

322
00:16:28,430 --> 00:16:29,430
Where is Bill?

323
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:30,989
What's that?

324
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:31,990
The Major's shirt.

325
00:16:32,670 --> 00:16:33,810
The Major's shirt?

326
00:16:36,810 --> 00:16:39,790
It's Sergeant Grover's signal car. Oh,
he keeps up with all the latest

327
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,830
sir. Excuse me, sir. I have a call.

328
00:16:42,050 --> 00:16:44,570
Well, don't let us disturb your work. I
think we've seen enough here. This is

329
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:45,570
Fort Baxter.

330
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:47,410
Hello, C for Charlie.

331
00:16:47,850 --> 00:16:49,690
Your order's on the scene.

332
00:16:49,930 --> 00:16:52,690
I'll get Captain Schwartz.

333
00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:57,650
I'm going to patiently want Captain
Schwartz.

334
00:16:57,930 --> 00:17:01,790
Stand by, C for Charlie. We'll find him
for you.

335
00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:04,210
Attention all units.

336
00:17:04,609 --> 00:17:05,810
Attention all...

337
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,180
So would you like another chorus?

338
00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:23,200
No, I've heard enough. Thank you. Let's
go to the mess hall. You'll find that

339
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,200
very interesting, sir.

340
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:25,700
Yeah, well, flat.

341
00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:38,060
So, Vicky, you're doing your wonderful
job as usual. What have you got for the

342
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:38,919
boys today?

343
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:42,260
Split pea soup. Split pea soup. Isn't
that interesting? I must get you men out

344
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:44,400
of this heat at once. I must call
Colorado.

345
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,620
Colorado? Why, sir, we're very happy
here.

346
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:48,480
Oh, those tom -toms are stuck up.

347
00:17:48,940 --> 00:17:50,240
Oh, let me show you. Right there.

348
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:54,360
Yes, sir. Major, I don't know what Bilko
is up to or what you've seen, but I

349
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,060
want to assure you that... I've seen and
heard enough to know that this entire

350
00:17:57,060 --> 00:17:58,120
post needs rehabilitation.

351
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,020
Major, believe me, this is all Bilko's
work.

352
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:04,580
He's up to something. Ask anybody. Ask
the Vicky. Ask the...

353
00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:10,960
No. Oh, yes.

354
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,160
Split fee, sir.

355
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,480
I've got to get these men to Camp
Paradise as soon as possible. Camp

356
00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:17,220
Oh, now I get it.

357
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,720
Well, well, Vilco, so that was it, huh?

358
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,000
Sir, all right, never mind. Quiet.

359
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,380
Major, this is all a hoax to get Vilco
up to that camp. That's impossible.

360
00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:28,100
what I've seen and heard on this boat...
You've seen and heard the wrong person.

361
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,780
Major, I want you to meet Colonel Hall.

362
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,200
I want you to see what a level head...

363
00:18:33,630 --> 00:18:36,190
Clear thinking down -to -earth man is at
the head of this camp.

364
00:18:37,310 --> 00:18:38,870
I'd be glad to show you... You stay
here.

365
00:18:41,930 --> 00:18:45,730
I think the Major will be very
interested in what the Colonel has to

366
00:18:47,950 --> 00:18:49,710
Hey, Bilko, what's this all about?
Where's the phone?

367
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:50,910
Oh.

368
00:18:53,770 --> 00:18:54,770
Hello, Joanie.

369
00:18:55,110 --> 00:18:56,110
Joanie. Hey, Bilko.

370
00:18:56,330 --> 00:18:58,530
What? What is this camp paradise we're
going to?

371
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,300
I don't know, but I got an idea. The
colonel is coming with us.

372
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,380
Hello. Let me talk to the colonel right
away. I'm a double.

373
00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:07,480
Colonel Hall, sir. This is Sergeant
Bilko.

374
00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:08,740
Congratulations, sir.

375
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:12,520
Yes, remember we were speaking about the
salute to the... Yes, the Ed Sullivan

376
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:13,520
show. Yes, sir.

377
00:19:13,780 --> 00:19:16,640
There's a major from special service
came from Washington, especially to do

378
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:17,640
auditions.

379
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:21,900
Yes, he'll be there in a moment, sir.
Any moment. And good luck, sir.

380
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,480
Thank you, Bilko.

381
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:24,800
I'll do my best.

382
00:19:31,899 --> 00:19:33,000
Yes? Major Fenn?

383
00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:34,420
Send him right in.

384
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,180
Colonel Hall, did you know that Major
Fenn came all the way from Washington

385
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,180
because of Vilco?

386
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:43,520
I want you to give it to him first hand,
sir.

387
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:44,920
Go right ahead, Colonel.

388
00:20:19,370 --> 00:20:22,690
The Ed Sullivan Show. I came down here
to check on the signs of fatigue in

389
00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:23,710
Sergeant Bilko's platoon.

390
00:20:23,970 --> 00:20:27,430
Fatigue? Bilko. Yes, and from the looks
of things, I'm going to have to send the

391
00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:28,670
entire post to Camp Paradise.

392
00:20:29,310 --> 00:20:30,310
Camp Paradise?

393
00:20:31,090 --> 00:20:32,090
I've got it.

394
00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:34,910
Major, you've been taken in. We've all
been taken in.

395
00:20:35,650 --> 00:20:38,710
Fatigue. Bilko's got the sharpest, most
diabolical brain.

396
00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:48,370
Oh, yes, sir. We have the reservations.
You have a special seat on the bus right

397
00:20:48,370 --> 00:20:51,230
by the window so you can see the ducks,
the little chickens, and the little...

398
00:20:51,230 --> 00:20:52,230
Quiet!

399
00:20:53,150 --> 00:20:55,310
Bilko, nobody's going to Camp Paradise.

400
00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:56,790
Nobody, sir? Nobody.

401
00:20:57,030 --> 00:21:00,330
I beg to differ with you, sir. Oh,
please, explain it. Will you please make

402
00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:01,510
Someone is going.

403
00:21:01,570 --> 00:21:03,430
Some... Someone is going?

404
00:21:03,670 --> 00:21:06,810
Yes, Captain Barker. It's an emergency
case. I've got to get into Camp

405
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,070
of the heat when my guard was down.

406
00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:21,350
Bilko, you're going to pay for... Oh,
Captain Barker.

407
00:21:21,950 --> 00:21:26,170
Oh, yes, your emergency leave paper.
I'll sign it for you right now. Captain,

408
00:21:26,170 --> 00:21:28,910
you can hear me, I want to say I'm
terribly sorry. I didn't know this would

409
00:21:28,910 --> 00:21:30,930
this effect, sir. It's not your fault,
Bilko.

410
00:21:31,150 --> 00:21:33,190
I felt this fatigue coming on for some
time.

411
00:21:33,450 --> 00:21:34,450
Since when, sir?

412
00:21:34,630 --> 00:21:37,570
Since last night, Bilko. I saw those
newsreel pictures, too.

413
00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:39,330
Here you are, sir.

414
00:21:42,070 --> 00:21:47,000
Thank you, sir. Here you are. You'll
need these. Happy landing, sir.

415
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:57,060
Nicholas Saunders appeared as Captain
Barker. David White as Major Friend.

416
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,680
Coming up, the only channel that's funny
on purpose.