1 00:00:04,031 --> 00:00:05,523 That is it, Ray. 2 00:00:05,525 --> 00:00:07,299 That's the last time I go to paintball with you. 3 00:00:07,301 --> 00:00:10,102 I mean, the last thing you said to me was, "I got your back." 4 00:00:10,104 --> 00:00:11,203 I did have your back! 5 00:00:11,205 --> 00:00:13,905 Well, then how did this happen? 6 00:00:13,907 --> 00:00:16,208 Hey, it's not my fault you don't understand hand signals. 7 00:00:16,210 --> 00:00:17,409 I clearly said... 8 00:00:25,119 --> 00:00:26,585 Oh, I'm sorry. 9 00:00:26,587 --> 00:00:28,153 'Cause I thought you said... 10 00:00:34,228 --> 00:00:36,428 Hey, watch your language. 11 00:00:38,132 --> 00:00:40,165 (clattering) 12 00:00:40,167 --> 00:00:41,933 (laughter from kitchen) 13 00:00:41,935 --> 00:00:44,102 KIP: Shh, shh, shh. 14 00:00:44,104 --> 00:00:45,103 Shh, shh, shh. (laughing) 15 00:00:45,105 --> 00:00:47,506 Hey! What are you doing in my kitchen? 16 00:00:47,508 --> 00:00:49,541 We needed a bottle of tequila 17 00:00:49,543 --> 00:00:50,976 for something we're making. 18 00:00:51,812 --> 00:00:53,478 What are you making? 19 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,080 Me drunk. 20 00:00:55,082 --> 00:00:56,581 (both laughing) 21 00:00:56,583 --> 00:00:57,816 NATHAN: You know, Mom, 22 00:00:57,818 --> 00:00:59,217 I'm starting to think that your roommate 23 00:00:59,219 --> 00:01:00,452 is a bad influence on you. 24 00:01:00,454 --> 00:01:02,154 Oh, lighten up. (makes fart noise) 25 00:01:02,156 --> 00:01:04,422 This is the only way I could get her to make 26 00:01:04,424 --> 00:01:05,891 prank calls with me. 27 00:01:05,893 --> 00:01:09,628 I'm calling the mayor and asking him to prom. 28 00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:10,595 No, you're not using my phone. 29 00:01:10,597 --> 00:01:11,830 Mom... 30 00:01:11,832 --> 00:01:12,764 You're right, you're right. 31 00:01:12,766 --> 00:01:14,499 You-you got bigger problems. 32 00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,835 Since, uh... (laughing) 33 00:01:16,837 --> 00:01:20,272 since your refrigerator isn't running. 34 00:01:20,274 --> 00:01:22,007 Uh... 35 00:01:22,843 --> 00:01:24,309 Yeah, it is. 36 00:01:24,311 --> 00:01:27,312 (both laughing) 37 00:01:27,314 --> 00:01:29,548 Then... then you better go... 38 00:01:29,550 --> 00:01:31,449 (both laughing) 39 00:01:32,386 --> 00:01:35,120 (laughing): I can't! 40 00:01:35,122 --> 00:01:36,588 A fridge... 41 00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:38,190 running... 42 00:01:38,192 --> 00:01:39,558 catch it... 43 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,827 (laughing hysterically) 44 00:01:41,829 --> 00:01:43,428 Shh. Shh. 45 00:01:43,430 --> 00:01:45,397 Listen, listen, listen. 46 00:01:45,399 --> 00:01:47,566 Oh. Oh, hey. 47 00:01:47,568 --> 00:01:48,667 Mayor Hot Stuff? 48 00:01:48,669 --> 00:01:50,769 Shh. 49 00:01:50,771 --> 00:01:52,871 What's that? 50 00:01:52,873 --> 00:01:55,073 Oh, my God, Carol, I called the wrong number. 51 00:01:55,075 --> 00:01:57,809 (both laughing) 52 00:01:57,811 --> 00:02:00,812 Hey, Dad, how's the renovations going? 53 00:02:03,966 --> 00:02:06,617 The Millers - 02x06 Diggin' Up Bones 54 00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:19,320 147 00:05:55,428 --> 00:05:58,462 But after Miss Pam, all anyone cared about 148 00:05:58,472 --> 00:06:00,406 were the double "D"s. 149 00:06:01,868 --> 00:06:04,802 So my biggest enemy became my boss. 150 00:06:04,804 --> 00:06:08,072 If you're just joining us, Kip is on the edge of his seat. 151 00:06:08,074 --> 00:06:10,274 Thank you, Kip. 152 00:06:10,276 --> 00:06:11,242 Retiring? 153 00:06:11,244 --> 00:06:13,377 Why would she retire at that age? 154 00:06:13,379 --> 00:06:16,814 Oh, I bet it's because her boobs are starting to sag. 155 00:06:17,817 --> 00:06:20,084 I hear that happens to some women. 156 00:06:21,254 --> 00:06:22,520 Mom, that was ten years ago. 157 00:06:22,522 --> 00:06:24,021 You just need to let it go. 158 00:06:24,023 --> 00:06:25,723 She's the one who can't let it go. 159 00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:27,758 Inviting me to her retirement party? 160 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,528 I'll tell you what I think of that. 161 00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:36,233 Good Lord, that's a quality cardstock. 162 00:06:37,337 --> 00:06:39,103 You know what you should do, Carol? 163 00:06:39,105 --> 00:06:40,271 You should go to that party 164 00:06:40,273 --> 00:06:42,239 and give that woman a piece of your mind. 165 00:06:42,241 --> 00:06:43,341 You think so? 166 00:06:43,343 --> 00:06:44,675 Oh, gosh, sorry. You know what? 167 00:06:44,677 --> 00:06:46,410 I just remembered I forgot to scrape any of the cheese 168 00:06:46,412 --> 00:06:47,445 off those dinner plates. 169 00:06:47,447 --> 00:06:48,913 Uh, you know, it's probably fine. 170 00:06:48,915 --> 00:06:50,881 It'll be easy to scrape off in the morning, right, Mom? 171 00:06:50,883 --> 00:06:53,217 No, Nathan! How many times do I have to remind you? 172 00:06:53,219 --> 00:06:56,120 Cheese on a plate makes a morning you hate. 173 00:06:56,122 --> 00:06:59,023 It's like nobody reads my needlepoints. 174 00:06:59,025 --> 00:07:00,624 What is wrong with you? 175 00:07:00,626 --> 00:07:01,992 My mom can't go to that thing. 176 00:07:01,994 --> 00:07:03,794 Wait a second. Did you just purposely divert 177 00:07:03,796 --> 00:07:04,929 your mother into the kitchen? 178 00:07:04,931 --> 00:07:06,163 Yes, I did. 179 00:07:06,165 --> 00:07:07,798 Yeah, look, Kip, our mom can't go to that party. 180 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:08,866 Why not? 181 00:07:08,868 --> 00:07:11,102 She clearly has emotions about this Miss Pam 182 00:07:11,104 --> 00:07:12,503 that she's been storing up for years. 183 00:07:12,505 --> 00:07:14,605 Your mother is an emotional hoarder. 184 00:07:14,607 --> 00:07:18,809 She collects grudges like they're Cool Whip containers. 185 00:07:18,811 --> 00:07:22,613 The cheese was already stuck, so I put it in soapy water. 186 00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:24,815 Soak overnight, morning delight. 187 00:07:24,817 --> 00:07:26,717 You know, Carol, 188 00:07:26,719 --> 00:07:29,253 I'd like to hear more about Miss Pam. 189 00:07:29,255 --> 00:07:32,022 Uh... oh, my God, I just remembered. 190 00:07:32,024 --> 00:07:33,391 Silly me. 191 00:07:33,393 --> 00:07:35,059 Left my wallet in the car. 192 00:07:35,061 --> 00:07:37,261 Although... it's probably fine. 193 00:07:37,263 --> 00:07:38,629 Are you crazy? 194 00:07:38,631 --> 00:07:40,731 A wallet in a car is thief bait! 195 00:07:42,201 --> 00:07:44,235 How much you want? Ten grand? 20 grand? 196 00:07:44,237 --> 00:07:46,537 To just walk out that door and never come back. 197 00:07:46,539 --> 00:07:48,172 Okay. 198 00:07:48,174 --> 00:07:50,508 Look, Kip, I know that you think that you're helping her, 199 00:07:50,510 --> 00:07:52,576 but maybe in this case we know what's best. 200 00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:54,945 Yeah, you tend to get to know somebody after you spend 43 years with them. 201 00:07:54,947 --> 00:07:56,947 Well, that would be impossible for me to do, 202 00:07:56,949 --> 00:08:00,384 since I'm five days shy of 35. 203 00:08:00,386 --> 00:08:01,619 What's your Chinese zodiac? 204 00:08:01,621 --> 00:08:03,020 Goat. Specifically, an earth goat, 205 00:08:03,022 --> 00:08:05,089 and my lucky flowers are carnation, primrose and Alyce flower. 206 00:08:05,091 --> 00:08:07,258 What else you got, Gramps? 207 00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:16,000 Are you sure we should be here, Kip? 208 00:08:16,002 --> 00:08:16,834 I'm positive. 209 00:08:16,836 --> 00:08:18,736 - You need to move past this. - Yeah. 210 00:08:18,738 --> 00:08:21,038 Just remember you're powerful, you're beautiful, 211 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,441 and if she comes at you, hit her high. 212 00:08:23,443 --> 00:08:24,909 She's bound to tip over. 213 00:08:26,379 --> 00:08:27,378 Yep, there they are. 214 00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:28,712 I knew it. 215 00:08:28,714 --> 00:08:30,147 We came looking for you at your apartment 216 00:08:30,149 --> 00:08:31,682 and you weren't there, and I went to Debbie's 217 00:08:31,684 --> 00:08:33,050 and she said that she hadn't seen you, 218 00:08:33,052 --> 00:08:34,452 and then I put together 219 00:08:34,454 --> 00:08:36,787 that this lunatic must have brought you here. 220 00:08:36,789 --> 00:08:37,855 Carol needs this. 221 00:08:37,857 --> 00:08:39,723 She needs to let Miss Pam know how she feels. 222 00:08:39,725 --> 00:08:40,724 That's right. 223 00:08:40,726 --> 00:08:43,828 I need to get her chest off my chest. 224 00:08:43,830 --> 00:08:44,995 And look at this party 225 00:08:44,997 --> 00:08:46,764 she flirted the school board into throwing her. 226 00:08:46,766 --> 00:08:48,432 Scallops wrapped in bacon? 227 00:08:48,434 --> 00:08:50,601 The only protein at my retirement party 228 00:08:50,603 --> 00:08:52,570 was a cricket that got in the punch. 229 00:08:52,572 --> 00:08:54,805 Mom, you've got to stop listening to him. 230 00:08:54,807 --> 00:08:55,873 I mean, you're... 231 00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,008 you're taking life advice from a guy 232 00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:01,545 who still thinks he's in his mid-30s. 233 00:09:01,547 --> 00:09:02,847 Ignore him, Carol. 234 00:09:02,849 --> 00:09:04,682 This will be cathartic. 235 00:09:04,684 --> 00:09:06,851 I once confronted the ice cream man 236 00:09:06,853 --> 00:09:09,186 who always drove away when I came running up. 237 00:09:09,188 --> 00:09:11,722 Turns out, I had been chasing the exterminator 238 00:09:11,724 --> 00:09:13,224 whose horn played music. 239 00:09:14,827 --> 00:09:16,827 That's why I'm so thin and know seven different ways 240 00:09:16,829 --> 00:09:20,064 to get a rat out of the attic. 241 00:09:22,735 --> 00:09:25,035 Ah! There she is now. 242 00:09:25,037 --> 00:09:26,604 If you'll excuse me. 243 00:09:29,342 --> 00:09:32,710 Wow, those things haven't sagged an inch. 244 00:09:32,712 --> 00:09:35,679 I should get her boob guy to redo my couch. 245 00:09:35,681 --> 00:09:37,648 (gasps) Carol! 246 00:09:37,650 --> 00:09:40,050 Oh, I'm glad you could make it. 247 00:09:40,052 --> 00:09:44,622 And with the exact same hairdo you had 25 years ago. 248 00:09:44,624 --> 00:09:48,092 You know, usually people only stick with something when it works. 249 00:09:48,094 --> 00:09:49,527 That's not true. 250 00:09:49,529 --> 00:09:51,161 You stuck with teaching. 251 00:09:52,565 --> 00:09:53,931 I was an excellent teacher. 252 00:09:53,933 --> 00:09:55,232 Better than you. 253 00:09:55,234 --> 00:09:57,535 Why else would they have made me principal? 254 00:09:57,537 --> 00:10:00,271 I can think of two reasons: boop, boop. 255 00:10:01,641 --> 00:10:03,807 Those things got you everything. 256 00:10:03,809 --> 00:10:09,079 A projector, promotion and the only classroom without asbestos. 257 00:10:09,081 --> 00:10:11,682 And that is exactly why the school board 258 00:10:11,684 --> 00:10:13,584 threw you this elaborate party. 259 00:10:13,586 --> 00:10:16,487 Carol, you poor, misguided mess. 260 00:10:16,489 --> 00:10:18,455 You think the school board did all this? 261 00:10:18,457 --> 00:10:21,825 My students are the ones who paid for this party. 262 00:10:21,827 --> 00:10:22,860 - What? - Yeah. 263 00:10:22,862 --> 00:10:23,861 My students! 264 00:10:23,863 --> 00:10:25,529 And they dug up all the time capsules 265 00:10:25,531 --> 00:10:27,631 that our class has buried, just so I could read 266 00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:29,433 all the wonderful letters that they'd written 267 00:10:29,435 --> 00:10:32,836 about their favorite teacher, Miss Pam! 268 00:10:37,643 --> 00:10:39,543 Hey, Mom, are you okay? 269 00:10:39,545 --> 00:10:41,445 Her students threw her this party. 270 00:10:41,447 --> 00:10:43,714 My students didn't throw me a party. 271 00:10:43,716 --> 00:10:45,616 I mean, I know I was strict, but I thought 272 00:10:45,618 --> 00:10:47,384 at least they appreciated it. 273 00:10:47,386 --> 00:10:48,786 Oh, I'm sure they did. 274 00:10:48,788 --> 00:10:50,220 And they would've thrown you a party 275 00:10:50,222 --> 00:10:52,423 if there'd been a Facebook and a Twitter back then. 276 00:10:52,425 --> 00:10:56,093 Oh, social media! (growls) 277 00:10:56,095 --> 00:10:58,696 Ladies and gentlemen, reading us letters from 20 years ago, 278 00:10:58,698 --> 00:11:00,798 please welcome Miss Pam! 279 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,067 (whooping) 280 00:11:05,771 --> 00:11:07,871 "I can't wait until I'm all growed up 281 00:11:07,873 --> 00:11:10,608 so me and Miss Pam can get married." 282 00:11:10,610 --> 00:11:12,643 Talk to me after the party, Charlie. 283 00:11:12,645 --> 00:11:13,911 (clicks tongue) 284 00:11:13,913 --> 00:11:15,713 Maybe she was the better teacher. 285 00:11:15,715 --> 00:11:18,248 I never got a Valentine from one of my kids. 286 00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:21,418 Even when I made it mandatory. 287 00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:23,587 "I love school with Miss Pam. 288 00:11:23,589 --> 00:11:25,689 She's the bestest teacher ever." 289 00:11:25,691 --> 00:11:26,824 Aw. 290 00:11:26,826 --> 00:11:29,860 No, you're the bestest, Rachel. 291 00:11:29,862 --> 00:11:32,930 Ooh, there's just so many of them! 292 00:11:32,932 --> 00:11:34,798 ♪ So many letters, we're gonna be here ♪ 293 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,067 ♪ All night. ♪ 294 00:11:39,805 --> 00:11:42,906 If you'll excuse me a second, I-I need to get some fresh air. 295 00:11:43,743 --> 00:11:45,242 Oh, God. 296 00:11:45,244 --> 00:11:47,544 I feel sorry for whoever drove here in the smallest car, 297 00:11:47,546 --> 00:11:49,847 because that thing's about to get flipped. 298 00:11:49,849 --> 00:11:52,216 She's probably going for a nice, long walk 299 00:11:52,218 --> 00:11:54,351 to calmly evaluate what happened 300 00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,286 and to let the healing process begin. 301 00:11:56,288 --> 00:11:59,623 Yeah, that doesn't sound like Mom. 302 00:12:03,829 --> 00:12:06,330 (alarm blaring) 303 00:12:06,332 --> 00:12:08,866 (woman shrieks) 304 00:12:08,868 --> 00:12:11,068 That sounds like Mom! 305 00:12:18,479 --> 00:12:21,092 You guys have to help me. There's something wrong with your mom. 306 00:12:21,119 --> 00:12:22,749 She's just staring into space. 307 00:12:22,751 --> 00:12:25,318 I watched a fly walk across her eyeball. 308 00:12:26,154 --> 00:12:28,288 Well, hang on a second, Kip. 309 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:32,975 I, uh, I know it's tacky to say I told you so, but, uh... 310 00:12:33,005 --> 00:12:34,895 check your phone. 311 00:12:34,897 --> 00:12:36,863 I didn't bring it. 312 00:12:36,865 --> 00:12:39,466 It says I told you so! 313 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:40,734 Okay, fine. 314 00:12:40,736 --> 00:12:41,935 I get it. 315 00:12:41,937 --> 00:12:43,270 You're right. I'm sorry. 316 00:12:43,272 --> 00:12:47,007 I just don't have the life experience that you do. 317 00:12:47,009 --> 00:12:49,743 Look, it's not the first time that Mom has been in a funk. 318 00:12:49,745 --> 00:12:52,012 All right? Everything will be fine just as long as 319 00:12:52,014 --> 00:12:54,581 she's not moping around in her depression hoodie. 320 00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:57,350 You mean that ratty green thing that smells like a hamster cage? 321 00:12:57,352 --> 00:12:59,886 Oh, no, Nathan... the depression hoodie. 322 00:12:59,888 --> 00:13:03,390 She hasn't worn that since Tom Selleck shaved his mustache! 323 00:13:04,726 --> 00:13:07,661 And she hasn't eaten anything but Crystal Light in days. 324 00:13:07,663 --> 00:13:09,329 She's not even mixing it with water. 325 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,964 She's sucking it straight from the packet! 326 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,266 Oh, God. 327 00:13:13,268 --> 00:13:14,634 She's on the Crystal. 328 00:13:22,744 --> 00:13:24,277 Hey, Mom. 329 00:13:24,279 --> 00:13:26,379 How you doing? 330 00:13:26,381 --> 00:13:30,450 Brought you some water to go with your Crystal Light. 331 00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,624 Don't get too close. 332 00:13:37,626 --> 00:13:38,658 She spits. 333 00:13:38,660 --> 00:13:40,760 Oh, it's okay. 334 00:13:40,762 --> 00:13:42,162 Debbie and I got some tricks 335 00:13:42,164 --> 00:13:44,464 that always get her out of her funk. 336 00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:47,200 Hey, Mom? 337 00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,769 I was thinking about purchasing a major appliance. 338 00:13:49,771 --> 00:13:51,705 You think I should just go ahead and buy 339 00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:54,608 the first one I see without comparison shopping? 340 00:13:56,144 --> 00:13:58,044 Save your money. 341 00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,913 Get some breast implants. 342 00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:04,417 I got this, I got this. I got it. 343 00:14:04,419 --> 00:14:06,419 Okay, okay, okay. 344 00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:10,490 Hey, Mommy? 345 00:14:10,492 --> 00:14:12,392 I think I have a fever. 346 00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:14,961 Would you mind checking with your lips against my forehead? 347 00:14:14,963 --> 00:14:18,565 It's always so much more accurate than a thermometer. 348 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:19,666 What's the point? 349 00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:21,668 We're all gonna die. 350 00:14:21,670 --> 00:14:23,169 And my students aren't 351 00:14:23,171 --> 00:14:25,539 gonna come to my funeral. 352 00:14:26,608 --> 00:14:28,675 Okay, well, we'll-we'll go chew on that... 353 00:14:28,677 --> 00:14:30,877 She's gonna spit! Go! Go! Go! 354 00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,683 The only way that Mom is gonna feel better 355 00:14:36,685 --> 00:14:39,085 is if she thinks that her students loved her. 356 00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:41,888 What we need are a bunch of great letters like Miss Pam had. 357 00:14:41,890 --> 00:14:43,089 Good luck with that. 358 00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:44,791 Carol's not getting a letter from a student 359 00:14:44,793 --> 00:14:48,595 unless it's coming through a window tied to a brick. 360 00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:50,130 Wait a second! 361 00:14:50,132 --> 00:14:51,998 What if we just write our own letters? 362 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,701 We tell Mom that we dug up her old time capsule, 363 00:14:54,703 --> 00:14:57,037 - and just replace the letters. - Yeah. 364 00:14:57,039 --> 00:14:58,438 It's not a bad idea, but we don't know 365 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,040 any of her students' names. Plus, you know Mom. 366 00:15:00,042 --> 00:15:01,975 She's never gonna believe it unless she takes them 367 00:15:01,977 --> 00:15:03,543 out of the actual time capsule. 368 00:15:03,545 --> 00:15:05,011 She's right. Carol can spot a lie 369 00:15:05,013 --> 00:15:06,179 from a mile away. Literally. 370 00:15:06,181 --> 00:15:08,582 Once, I told her I was sick so I could get out 371 00:15:08,584 --> 00:15:10,650 of going on a hot air balloon ride with her. 372 00:15:10,652 --> 00:15:12,953 She spotted me having a picnic. 373 00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,921 From a mile away. 374 00:15:16,391 --> 00:15:18,224 Fine. You know what? We'll go to the school 375 00:15:18,226 --> 00:15:20,760 and dig up the actual time capsule and replace the letters. 376 00:15:20,762 --> 00:15:21,962 Yeah, yeah! 377 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,897 And we'll have Mikayla and Dad write them 378 00:15:23,899 --> 00:15:26,933 so the handwriting looks like it was done by sixth graders. 379 00:15:26,935 --> 00:15:27,968 (laughs) 380 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,337 Cursive really throws me for a loop. 381 00:15:30,339 --> 00:15:31,871 Pun intended. 382 00:15:31,873 --> 00:15:33,206 (laughs) 383 00:15:33,208 --> 00:15:34,307 I've been waiting many years 384 00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:37,243 for the topic of handwriting to come up. 385 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:42,082 Anyone want to talk about the trombone? 386 00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:53,627 Ooh, I got one! 387 00:15:55,697 --> 00:15:59,432 Oh, Mr. Hoover's class 1978. 388 00:15:59,434 --> 00:16:01,601 (groans) 389 00:16:02,404 --> 00:16:03,436 Oh, hey, look. 390 00:16:03,438 --> 00:16:05,038 There's a Charleston Chew in here. 391 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,806 Can't find those anymore, huh? 392 00:16:06,808 --> 00:16:08,675 Just dig! We wouldn't even be out here 393 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:09,909 if it wasn't for you! 394 00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:12,045 I already apologized! 395 00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:13,980 Geez, someone needs to watch Frozen 396 00:16:13,982 --> 00:16:16,650 and learn to "Let It Go." 397 00:16:16,652 --> 00:16:17,717 (metal clangs) 398 00:16:17,719 --> 00:16:19,252 Oh, I hit something. 399 00:16:19,254 --> 00:16:21,154 Guys! I found it! 400 00:16:21,156 --> 00:16:22,455 Okay, great. All right. 401 00:16:22,457 --> 00:16:23,890 Let's fill these holes back up and get out of here. 402 00:16:23,892 --> 00:16:28,194 My... my shovel's stuck in a time capsule. 403 00:16:32,501 --> 00:16:34,801 Nathan, I think you hit a pipe! 404 00:16:34,803 --> 00:16:37,404 Yeah, that's not a capsule. That's a water pipe. 405 00:16:37,406 --> 00:16:39,005 Really? 406 00:16:39,007 --> 00:16:40,874 You think I hit a pipe? 407 00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,075 I do! 408 00:16:42,077 --> 00:16:43,376 Yeah, Debbie's right. 409 00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:44,811 That's a pipe. 410 00:16:44,813 --> 00:16:47,047 (scoffs) Dummy! 411 00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,049 That's it. 412 00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:51,451 I'm killing you. 413 00:16:54,656 --> 00:16:57,490 (laughing) 414 00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,532 (grunting) 415 00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:07,701 Will you stop it?! You're being ridiculous! 416 00:17:07,703 --> 00:17:09,235 (both grunting) 417 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,472 (screams) 418 00:17:14,309 --> 00:17:16,676 Oh, get ready to get your hair pulled. 419 00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:20,680 I earned a ton of extra money in college doing this! 420 00:17:20,682 --> 00:17:22,348 (all yelling) 421 00:17:24,653 --> 00:17:25,919 Dear God! 422 00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:27,921 (siren whoops) 423 00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:30,090 (car doors open) 424 00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:40,523 Where are they? 425 00:17:40,525 --> 00:17:41,815 Your three little hoodlums 426 00:17:41,869 --> 00:17:43,761 are in the locker room getting cleaned up 427 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,095 because they were a mess. 428 00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:47,297 (clears throat) 429 00:17:50,879 --> 00:17:52,069 Look at you! 430 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,338 What do you have to say for yourselves? 431 00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,573 Well, I can't speak for these two. 432 00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,410 But I got to say that I'm kind of proud 433 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,879 that I still fit into 12-year-olds' gym shorts. 434 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,616 What were you all doing? 435 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:07,251 They were looking for this. 436 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,119 My old time capsule? 437 00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,688 Why would you want to dig that up? 438 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,156 We thought it might make you feel better 439 00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,624 to read some of your students' old letters. 440 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,392 You did that for me? 441 00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:16,493 You're right. 442 00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:18,929 I-I would like to see what those letters say. 443 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,197 Uh, don't open that! 444 00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:21,865 - Might be full of spiders! - Or rusty edges! 445 00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:25,135 Or terrible letters. I mean, more spiders. 446 00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:27,938 I already opened it and read all the letters. 447 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,006 In fact, let me share 448 00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,842 my favorite one from Jay Simmons. 449 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,610 "Dear Citizens of the Future, 450 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,612 if time machines have been invented, 451 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,980 please come back and save me 452 00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:40,584 from the detestable hell that is Mrs. Miller's class." 453 00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:43,020 Let me see those. 454 00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:45,089 (sighs) This one's from Mike Fisher. 455 00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:46,290 I loved him. 456 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,025 "The devil is not dead. 457 00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,960 Rather she is walking amongst us 458 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,729 in an array of oversized tops 459 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:54,331 sporting way too much tropical fruit." 460 00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:57,067 From Erica Temple. 461 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,669 Sweet girl. 462 00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:03,374 "I am so eternally grateful that I was assigned to Mrs. Miller's class this year." 463 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,508 Hey, that's a good one. Let's end on that. 464 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,110 "If I hadn't been assigned to her, 465 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,511 "then my parents' divorce 466 00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,813 would've been the worst thing that happened this year. 467 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,750 Instead, the bitter custody trial proved a welcome relief 468 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:16,587 from the agony of her lugubrious classroom." 469 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,193 Mom... you don't deserve that. 470 00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,028 That's just mean. 471 00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:27,164 "Lugubrious" ? Is that a good thing? 472 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,667 No. It means "sad and dismal." 473 00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:33,404 Actually, what it means is that my sixth graders 474 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:36,540 were writing at a 12th-grade level. 475 00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:39,476 Look at this perfectly used semicolon right here. 476 00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:41,779 "The devil is not dead... semicolon... 477 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:44,715 rather... comma... she is walking amongst us." 478 00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:48,218 And right now I'm walking mighty proud. 479 00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,920 NATHAN: Yeah, mom. 480 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:51,155 You know what? You're right. 481 00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,556 I mean, look. 482 00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:54,725 Look at... look at Miss Pam's letters. 483 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,126 I mean, they're filled with mistakes. 484 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,261 And this handwriting? 485 00:19:57,263 --> 00:20:00,097 It looks like they wrote these with their feet. 486 00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,665 Well, at least they liked me. 487 00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,300 Well, good for you. 488 00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:06,003 I didn't sign up to be a teacher so I could be 489 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,672 best friends with a bunch of sixth graders. 490 00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:11,208 My goal was to lay my head on my pillow every night 491 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,844 knowing I'd given my kids a great education 492 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:16,079 whether they liked me or not. 493 00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,581 So, I'm fine if your students 494 00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:20,484 think you are the bestest... semicolon... 495 00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:23,587 I'd rather be remembered as the best... period. 496 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,059 She just combined two independent clauses. 497 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,696 Uh, I know that 'cause I was in her class. 498 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,033 And I wasn't. 499 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,636 Which is why I have no idea what an independent clause is. 500 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,071 (clicks tongue) 501 00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:48,212 (blows raspberry) 502 00:20:50,177 --> 00:20:52,683 Boy. Carol's one hell of a teacher 503 00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,918 for you to be able to remember all the things 504 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,421 she taught you over 30 years ago. 505 00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:01,358 You've had my entire lifetime to forget it. 506 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,359 Who's your favorite Charlie's Angel? 507 00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:03,594 - Lucy Liu. - No, from the TV show. 508 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,229 - Didn't know there was one. - Oh, damn it! 509 00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:08,989 - sync and correction by solfieri - www.addic7ed.com