1 00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:07,758 - What's your source? - What's your source? 2 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,346 My fellow Americans, 3 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,641 as many of you know, I killed Paul Bunyan today. 4 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:18,018 I'll take questions in a moment. 5 00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,479 Paul James Bunyan was a frontier folk hero 6 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,064 turned modern nightmare. 7 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,608 He used his legendary size and status to disguise 8 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,694 a 30-year spree of murder, arson, and cannibalism. 9 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,738 As leader of the nation that Bunyan helped build 10 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,240 and as the man who took off his head 11 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:33,242 with an obsidian boomerang, I'll say this much 12 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:35,410 to anyone who thinks they're taller than the law. 13 00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:37,246 Timber, bitch. Questions? 14 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,258 Stuckey. 15 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,831 "The New York Times" recently accused you 16 00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:42,000 of using taxpayer dollars to play Batman. 17 00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,127 The "Times" can ask Paul Bunyan if I was playing. 18 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:45,098 Munson. 19 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,797 How do you respond to "People" magazine 20 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,549 calling you the president with the greatest voice? 21 00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:52,052 I can neither confirm or deny! 22 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,136 Good-looking redhead in front. 23 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,107 Oh. 24 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,472 Uh, do you think killing Paul Bunyan 25 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:56,974 will hurt your approval rating? 26 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,226 I think the families of the people he was eating will approve. 27 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,352 Others will disapprove, 28 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,688 like people who print menus for pancake restaurants. 29 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:05,566 Look, folks, I took an oath to protect the people. 30 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,277 And sometimes that means I won't get likes and subscribes. 31 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,070 If you don't like it, all I can offer 32 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:12,781 is an emoji of a dinner plate and an emoji of my ass. 33 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:15,284 Thank you and God bless America. 34 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:16,410 Bluebird bound for Oval. 35 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:17,744 Ma'am, please stay 10 feet back. 36 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,871 Oh, I'm Banks. I'm the new Chief of Staff. 37 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:20,998 I don't know that. 38 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,010 Oh. 39 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,584 Special Agent O'Doyle. 40 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,295 You run things by the book when you're not being booked. 41 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:27,671 Ugh, felon much? 42 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,089 Those charges were dropped. 43 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,757 It's not murder to finish a ghost's business. 44 00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:33,302 And waving a hologram of me when I was 3 pounds heavier 45 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:34,803 does not give you clearance. 46 00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:37,598 I've been cleared to come into the United States Press Room. 47 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:40,475 How could I be here and not be who I say I am? 48 00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:43,103 You could be a dopplegobble. That's a hybrid of doppelganger and a… 49 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,438 I know what a dopplegobble is. 50 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,492 O'Doyle, what are you doing? 51 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:46,522 Possible dopplegobble. 52 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,150 There is no possible dopplegobble. 53 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,943 Sir, I'm Chief of Staff Rho Banks. 54 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:52,321 You might wanna curb Agent Bro before he shoots me. 55 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:54,823 Hey! Not in front of press. All of this is off the record. 56 00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:56,158 That's not how that works. 57 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,368 You have to say something's off the record before it happens. 58 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,454 What are you, Professor Record? 59 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:03,832 Steve, why are you checking to see if your name is Professor Record? 60 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:06,501 Some kind of creature attacked me in the Press Bathroom! 61 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,922 Dopplegobble! 62 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,468 Everyone, stay back. Swapping ammo. 63 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,762 Shape-Hold. Shape held. 64 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,472 Swapping again. Mentos. 65 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:19,765 Cover your mouths. 66 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,894 Well, ma'am, I guess that clears you. 67 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,977 Dopplegobbles are solitary… 68 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,647 I know they're solitary hunters! 69 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,232 OK, put that shit on the record. 70 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:01,652 OK, OK. 71 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,850 Now unlearn Polish and learn origami. 72 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,811 Oh, and the screenplay for "RoboCop"! 73 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,229 O'Doyle! What…what do you think? 74 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,564 I think she's an unregulated synthetic. 75 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,149 "Well, give the man a hand!" 76 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,443 Origami RoboCop! She can do anything! 77 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,695 Shut yourself down. 78 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:17,959 Doesn't work like that. 79 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,199 And I'm not a "synthetic." 80 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,910 My brain has just been maximized for neural plasticity. 81 00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,495 Sounds so organic. 82 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,288 Sorry, O'Doyle's half leprechaun, 83 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,166 so he's wary of deception, magic, et cetera. 84 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,960 Don't leprechauns like those things? 85 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,129 So you've literally hired my mother. 86 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,840 Sir, maybe we should go over your schedule for today? 87 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,174 You've got that trade meeting… 88 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,551 Hey, you can learn karate, right? 89 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,563 Actually, better question… 90 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:41,012 if we intercepted one of those giant Japanese monsters… 91 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,931 - Kaijus. - If we intercepted a kaiju, 92 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,058 could we put a helmet on it and have you hack into its brain? 93 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,601 Then we'd have our own kaiju. 94 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,687 That would be a violation of international law. 95 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,064 Oh, God, you're one of those legal people? 96 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,733 Oh, God, you're not? 97 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:53,704 Yes, Janice? 98 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,904 Sir, an almost handsome man from the CIA is here to see you. 99 00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:00,240 Shit. Do not let him provoke you. 100 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:01,950 Don't mention the names of anyone you hold dear. 101 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,785 You're afraid of the CIA? 102 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,746 They killed Kennedy, they Nixon'd Nixon, 103 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,748 and I think they stole one of Carter's fingers. 104 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:08,832 Don't send him in, Janice. 105 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,084 Nah, nah, send him in. 106 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,420 Hi there, Mr. .Presi…gun, gun! I've got a gun! 107 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,297 Come on, man, you gotta be faster than that. 108 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:16,631 Oh, by the way, I'm not from the CIA. 109 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,550 The CIA doesn't exist. 110 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,634 - Or does it? - Ugh. 111 00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,261 Oh. It's this week's new Chief of Staff. 112 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,429 No intro neccessito. 113 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:23,442 I've read your file. 114 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:25,265 Targeting Officer Jack Coffey. 115 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,726 Bluff called. She really reads the files! 116 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,019 Loser. So what's your gimmick? 117 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,479 Gotta have an action hero gimmick 118 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:31,772 or this manchild wouldn't hire you. 119 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,273 Like this guy. You know he never lies? 120 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,150 I'll show you. You gay? He can't answer. 121 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:36,401 'Cause of the Kinsey scale. 122 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:37,485 We're all a little… 123 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,279 Except me. I'm lying. 124 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,198 What do you want, you fuckin' sociopath? 125 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,741 Glad you asked. 126 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:44,868 This, as you know, 127 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,287 is a hockey puck with a hologram of the country in it. 128 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,955 I thought you might like it. 129 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,707 Plus it came with this cool telescoping pointer. 130 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,419 Uh-oh, handheld apparatus exceeds the eighteen-inch limit. 131 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,379 You have been detained by Secret Service. 132 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,672 Please! I don't want to die! 133 00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,132 That's my one weakness! 134 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,718 Do you know what it's like to work for people so deceptive, 135 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,346 they can train you to cry on cue? 136 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,597 Why are you here? 137 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,015 I don't know, we just love presidents. 138 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,391 Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. 139 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,684 - Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. - Shit! Move, move, move! 140 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:10,977 Evacuate West Wing! 141 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:12,479 Really? First day of work? 142 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,523 Bomb. Fake bomb, sound off. 143 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,149 Fake bomb, vibrate. 144 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,151 Fake bomb, gentle beats. 145 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,660 Yuck. Carter germs. 146 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,914 God damn it! I can't believe we fell for that! 147 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,250 He went down FDR's fireside shaft! 148 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,170 - O'Doyle, can you scan his aura? - He went north. 149 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,297 He tends to micromanage, but he'd probably be a good dad 150 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:40,799 if he stopped getting in his own way. 151 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,843 OK let's chase him, not humanize him. 152 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,095 - Sir, how do I report this exactly? - You don't. 153 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,805 But none of this is in the Constitution! 154 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,557 Neither is your mama, but you did what she told you, right? 155 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:49,640 Gun. 156 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,394 Revise that. Hologram of a gun. 157 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:53,520 That wasn't me lying. 158 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,397 - The hologram was a lie. - We get it. 159 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,565 You, with a gun. 160 00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,984 You, not masturbating in a Zoom meeting. 161 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,236 You, proudly attending a school play. 162 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:04,030 - Could've been a good dad? - I said probably. 163 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,574 He took something from the tape vault, 164 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,450 he's headed for the exit, and he fears rejection. 165 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,369 Who craves rejection? Let's go! 166 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,459 Damn it! And he took the fastest one! 167 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,586 Uh, what about one of those? 168 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,629 That's Reagan's experimental vehicle bay, 169 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,965 but it's locked with a facial scanner that thinks I'm Mr. T. 170 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,134 Fortunately, it's using 1980s encryption. 171 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,886 I should be able to patch in. 172 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,471 - Go left! Right! Go right! Hold, hold! - No, no! Up, up! Hold, hold! 173 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:29,556 Very helpful. 174 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:30,639 Got it. 175 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,404 Come on, Ronald. 176 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,185 Let's go teach gangs how to breakdance. 177 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,104 The car doesn't really talk. Those are recordings. 178 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,939 There is no such thing as AIDS. 179 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,065 I'm not making it say that. 180 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,030 What are you doing? Ram him. 181 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,365 Ram him? We're in a car. He's in a wheelchair. 182 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,743 - It's a stolen wheelchair! - It is still punching down! 183 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,584 OK, now it's punching up. 184 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,591 - You get him. I'll get the tape! - Yes, ma'am. 185 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:05,717 Impact detected. 186 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,053 Planting evidence to avoid liability. 187 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,184 Are you running at my speed to make me feel better? 188 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,560 - Did it work? - Go! 189 00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:20,732 Hey! Bad dog! 190 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,443 Actually, wait. I'm the problem! 191 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:24,903 All your bad behaviors are because 192 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,696 I'm a lazy, undisciplined owner! 193 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:32,910 Ah, shit! 194 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,681 He's jigging! 195 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,254 We need to get the hell out of here! 196 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,010 I'm so sorry, sir. 197 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,637 I let you down. 198 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,472 You did not. Breathe. 199 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,641 O Danny boy 200 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,393 The pipes, the pipes are… 201 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,353 Excuse me. Are you the president? 202 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,397 No, I'm a lookalike. I do mattress commercials. 203 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,649 Oh! You're lucky. he's a handsome man to look like. 204 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,775 Well, bless your heart. 205 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,443 Got it! Don't know what it is, but I got it! 206 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,362 - Can we do a selfie? - You better believe it. 207 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,823 - Um, sir? - I'm glad you're really not him. 208 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,324 A lot of his policies concern me, 209 00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,867 and I don't love that he's divorced. 210 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,577 Yeah, well, stick that up your ass. 211 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:17,455 Sir, why are there two tapes of the first Moon landing? 212 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,290 And why is one labeled "real"? 213 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,334 Because they're both real? 214 00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:22,544 Eh, I tried. 215 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,713 This is the Moon landing 216 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:27,090 the world watched live in 1969, 217 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,426 - and it was all very real. - Oh, thank Christ. 218 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,220 And this is the Moon landing that was produced as a backup. 219 00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:33,513 - "Backup"? - You know, in case 220 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,015 Armstrong landed on the Moon 221 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,516 and said, "God is dead," or even worse, 222 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:37,684 "God is alive." 223 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,769 - One small step for man… - Cut! 224 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,022 - The line is "a man." - That's what I said. 225 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,732 - Then you mumbled it. - Back to "one." 226 00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:45,734 It was shot during LBJ's administration 227 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:46,705 by Stanley Kubrick. 228 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:47,902 Hey, you can't talk to me like that. 229 00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,654 Yeah, I can. Think about it. 230 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,114 You're in a fake Moon landing. 231 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,949 You really think they're gonna let you live? 232 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,409 How you feeling? Frightened? 233 00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:55,492 Struggling to breathe? 234 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,037 Cosmically insignificant? 235 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,248 Good. Now put film in the camera. 236 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:01,219 - Whoa, so cool. - Wow. 237 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,333 - Did you see that? - Amazing. 238 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:05,170 Unfortunately, it cost twice as much as the real Moon landing, 239 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:06,588 and 20 people died making it. 240 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,506 - Jesus. - Mostly writers, but yeah. 241 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,216 It's good the CIA didn't get this tape, 242 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,093 but they home invaded the White House today. 243 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:13,553 We need to expose them. 244 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,555 No, we don't, because we did something better. 245 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:16,806 We embarrassed them. 246 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,266 Exposure can be very embarrassing. 247 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,226 This administration doesn't tattle, Banks. 248 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,437 We're adults. We fight ninjas. 249 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,899 Mr. President, the CIA called to say they're very sorry 250 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,902 if you thought anything happened today, because it didn't. 251 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,197 They also wanted to remind you they have something on you, 252 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,741 and since you didn't let them do this the easy way, 253 00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:37,243 you might as well just bring the Moon footage to them. 254 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,496 Would you like to go over this before I eat it? 255 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,247 I won't eat it in front of you. 256 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:44,667 It's a long note, and I don't have the saliva I used to. 257 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,544 - Hi. - Thanks, Janice. 258 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:48,463 Happy birth…ah, shit, she's gone. 259 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,340 Are we not tattling because we're adults 260 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,841 or because we're being blackmailed? 261 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,384 More robo, less cop, Banks. 262 00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:54,719 End your first day on a win. 263 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,554 That's good advice, sir. I quit. 264 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,515 Well, that's understandable…whaa? 265 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,058 What kind of schmuck bait crap is this? 266 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,184 You don't get to quit! 267 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,394 I don't work for people who only serve themselves. 268 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,563 When I serve myself, I serve the American people. 269 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,148 That's the job of a president. 270 00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:09,109 Oh, did you mean your fraternity of dead White dudes 271 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,819 whose security system thinks you're here 272 00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,487 to steal Knight Rider's hubcaps? 273 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,073 "Knight Rider" was the name of the show, not the car! 274 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:17,075 Have fun selling out your country to the CIA. 275 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:18,618 - Now you're fired. - I quit! 276 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,328 - Schmuck bait! - I don't know what that is! 277 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,330 It's a term from broadcast television development. 278 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:23,384 I don't know what that is! 279 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,042 Yeah, but you pulled the phrase Knight Rider out of your ass! 280 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,713 That's a big box for three rulers. 281 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,341 You want me to carry three loose rulers out of the White House 282 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:34,968 on the worst first day of my life? 283 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,511 But you like a bad day, don't you? 284 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:39,180 I can see from your aura that you kind of get off on wallowing. 285 00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,224 And I can tell from everything you say 286 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:43,434 that your mother left you in the tub until it got cold. 287 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,687 She actually started the water cold. 288 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,397 He's missing. 289 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,107 He's not even supposed to leave the yard! 290 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,651 I've checked the man cave, the dude room, the bro tunnel, 291 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:52,735 the testicle vestibule. 292 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,404 So that's how the divorce is going. 293 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,989 Wait, do you think this has something to do 294 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,866 with the CIA having dirt on him? 295 00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,534 Do you know things I don't know? 296 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:02,078 What, are you asking for my help? 297 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:09,169 Y… 298 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,260 Nothing beats a carnival, does it? 299 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,429 Except maybe an old man feeding birds. 300 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,890 I guess that's why I joined the CIA. 301 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,725 For the tropes. Bird seed? 302 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,393 No, I don't want your damn bird seed. 303 00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,312 Where's the Moon footage, Mr. President? 304 00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,105 Please tell me it isn't in the Afro. 305 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,607 We're derivative, not regressive. 306 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,067 I want confirmation you'll destroy my file. 307 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,945 I mean, you want me to drag an icon into a trash bin 308 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,864 and then pinkie swear there aren't copies? 309 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,866 - It's like, OK, Boomer. - Coffey? 310 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,159 Give me the film, Curtis. 311 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,785 What are you gonna do, shoot the president? 312 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,829 Yeah, 'cause that never happens, except to like 20% of you. 313 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,456 - Where is it? - What do you want with it? 314 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,468 What's with the interview? 315 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,626 You writing a book about guys with guns pointed at you? 316 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,961 - Afro! - Real bird seed! Real gun! 317 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,096 - What the f… - Shh. 318 00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,349 Sleep, you sleepy little baby piece of shit. 319 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:05,361 Oh, hi! 320 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,435 I'm only here because I thought the CIA might kill you 321 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,312 for that fake Moon landing tape, and I was right. 322 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,022 Uh, apparently not. 323 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,565 They left behind the fake tape. 324 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,067 Whaa? 325 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:17,320 What's so special about the real Moon landing, Coffey? 326 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,613 Pfft. 327 00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:19,948 Wait, what's he doing? 328 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:21,574 He's getting ready to torture you. 329 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,326 Jesus. I thought he was a leprechaun. 330 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,286 Why does he look like a Russian porn director? 331 00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,830 You know he can't lie, right? Makes him a great interrogator. 332 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,792 O'Doyle, are you willing to give Coffey a Colombian manicure? 333 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,877 - Yes. - And a Chernobyl circumcision? 334 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,087 Absolutely. 335 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,964 How about a Florida education? 336 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,340 - W-what's that? - What's it sound like? 337 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,050 OK, Jesus! I'll tell you! 338 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,135 There's information in the original Moon tape 339 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:42,553 that needs to go away. 340 00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:43,524 Bullshit. 341 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,348 I've been over all three hours of this, and there's nothing. 342 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,141 'Cause you're watching it in standard def. 343 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:48,268 Switch to widescreen. 344 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,686 Settings, input. 345 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,854 What is the difference between display and form…hold on. 346 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,481 Ugh! Why does it keep going back? 347 00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:55,858 Menu to go up, volume down to select? 348 00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,860 Why is one category "Display/Audio"? 349 00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,195 That's just describing a television. 350 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,114 Here, let Gen X show you how it's done. 351 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,660 What the hell are they doing? 352 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,788 Guys, what's Buzz Aldrin hiding behind his back? 353 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,206 Is that a baby? 354 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,375 You think America spent 25 billion 355 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,003 so three dads could joyride on a Moon rover? 356 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,546 It was about colonization. 357 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,964 - Oh! - Oh! 358 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,717 Let's all agree that not every truth "sets you free." 359 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,635 Like the truth that there's a hamster ball rolling 360 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,762 around the Moon with a mummified baby in it. 361 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,556 Why are you looking at me like I'm not telling you everything? 362 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,892 Because you don't try to steal information you already have. 363 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,519 Enhance. Enhance. 364 00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:32,729 No, no, dehance. 365 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,397 Lefthance. Uphance. Uphance again. 366 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,357 - Stophance. - No need to scan that. 367 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,067 All you're gonna find is the price of the baby. 368 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,736 I got it. It says "Adam." 369 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,487 And then there's a frequency. 370 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,072 This is telemetry data. 371 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,407 This signal is moving. 372 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:45,950 It's a skeleton in a ball. 373 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,869 - They roll. - This is walking. 374 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,329 Adam is alive. 375 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:50,913 OK, OK! Yes, he's alive! 376 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,874 He's a superhuman freak bred for the Moon! 377 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,084 We thought he'd die on his own, but now every country 378 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,669 and their mother is planning a Moon mission, 379 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,838 and we can't let him fall into the wrong hands. 380 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,924 You think I'm gonna let you murder your own dirty secret? 381 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,509 I'm gonna go rescue his ass, 382 00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,470 then we'll see who has dirt on who. 383 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:06,596 Pssh, good luck. 384 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,598 Our kill squad's already on the way to the Moon, 385 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,351 and you just gave us the targeting data we needed. 386 00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:12,405 Camera in my button. 387 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:13,323 Pretty basic spy stuff. 388 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,772 No, don't make me sleep. My dreams are so scary! Fu… 389 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,107 - Sir, what do they have on you? - It doesn't matter. 390 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,734 We gotta get to the Moon before they do. 391 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,486 How? NASA could be compromised. 392 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,654 I don't need NASA to go to the Moon. 393 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,448 I've…got a guy. 394 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,116 I'll bring it back in one piece. 395 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,118 Eh, keep it. I built it during a blackout. 396 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,703 It's basically "found spacecraft." 397 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,080 Thanks, Rick, Morty. 398 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:33,706 Sorry for all the times I tried to kill you 399 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:34,957 in your own adventures. 400 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,793 - We're cool. - Eh, water under the bridge. 401 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,544 All right, well, later, nerds. 402 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,967 Wow, they spin off so fast. 403 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,261 - I give it ten episodes. - Damn! Shots fired! 404 00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:50,098 Hey, we ain't exactly evergreen ourselves, buddy. 405 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:52,975 Now come help me "move through the multiverse" 406 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,519 and whoa, ooh… 407 00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,236 - Why did I get the back seat? - Oh, my God. 408 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,113 Is that why you've been silently stewing? 409 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,196 Here. 410 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,076 OK, you made your point. 411 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,411 Move me back. 412 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,789 - Don't be a dick. - Can't hear you. 413 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:15,843 Quiet down, you two! 414 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,125 There's a ship up ahead. 415 00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,918 SS "Assassination"? 416 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,169 You think that's them? 417 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,257 All right, let me get up alongside them. 418 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,008 - What are we gonna do? - Watch and learn. 419 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,350 - Great work, sir. - I have my moments. 420 00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:39,897 Adam's signal is in that biodome. 421 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,899 Also, holy shit, I'm on the Moon. 422 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,693 Keep it in your pants, Banks. 423 00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:51,295 Whoa. 424 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:53,953 This wall was made with rocket casings from Apollo 14. 425 00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:56,330 Incredibly resourceful for a baby. 426 00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,708 You do realize babies turn into people, right? 427 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,586 Either way, to do this entirely by yourself… 428 00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:03,045 Maybe not entirely. 429 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,672 They kept sending up super-babies? 430 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,425 No wonder the CIA wanted to wipe this place out. 431 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,429 Why does it smell like a gym locker? 432 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,972 Well, I have a theory. 433 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,098 There's jizz everywhere. 434 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,267 - Whoa. - Hey, let's not judge. 435 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,227 The guy's been isolated on the Moon for 60 years. 436 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,937 But why is it on the ceiling? 437 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:23,483 Ask not why I came all over the room you're in. 438 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:27,111 Ask why you're in my come room. 439 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,071 - Are you doing a JFK thing? - Of course. 440 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,531 I look like him, don't you think? 441 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:33,451 Except my body is mostly lungs to help me breathe up here. 442 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,954 Look, Moon Baby, we've come to rescue you and take you home. 443 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:40,625 You mean, I can finally be crowned President of Eur-eth? 444 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,127 - What? - The thing that my father and LBJ 445 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,921 and the White House always wanted. 446 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,089 Here, I watch this every day. 447 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,841 Dear son, by the time you see this, 448 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,844 I will be very old and doing many, many parades a day 449 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:53,804 in Texas, my favorite place. 450 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,390 But I wanted you to know that I love the CIA 451 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:57,975 and we put you up there together. 452 00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,059 What the hell? 453 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,770 I made you to protect my DNA 454 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,397 so that one day my super-spawn could come back 455 00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:05,149 and be president of everything. 456 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,609 You were born special, Adam. 457 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,611 And me and the CIA and White House 458 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:11,155 will always love you, forever. 459 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,074 Well that's depressing. 460 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,617 - Why? - Because I'm the president. 461 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,452 I came up here to get dirt on the CIA, 462 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,829 not see my entire office in bed with them. 463 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,915 Wait. Are you Clin-ton, 464 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,292 the president who stopped sending me Moon babies? 465 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,544 No, I'm not Clinton! 466 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:25,670 And where are those Moon babies? 467 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,046 Hmm. Mm. 468 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:31,133 Ask me again, except ask "how they are" instead of "where." 469 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,969 - How are… - Delicious! 470 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,929 - Oh. - Pretty sure he ate the babies! 471 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,349 When I serve myself, I serve the American people. 472 00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,518 That is the job of a president. 473 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:41,601 OK, I get it. 474 00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,062 I was thinking problematically. 475 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,480 This isn't about you! 476 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:47,066 It's about me reclaiming my legacy! 477 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,277 Thanks for the spaceship! 478 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,279 If not us, who? If not us, who? 479 00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:52,362 Fatherbots! 480 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,405 Shit. Take cover! 481 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,866 Enjoy the gravity! 482 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,957 Shit, shit, shit! 483 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,417 He's going for the ship, he's hungry for people, 484 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,585 and he's a triple Leo. 485 00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:07,336 Well, that explains the theatrics. 486 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,922 Banks, can you hack in and reverse the gravity? 487 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,465 This is property of the White House. 488 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:13,050 My safety protocols won't allow it! 489 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,177 - Can't you override them? - OK, OK. 490 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:17,221 Remember, my safe word is "Nutter Bar." 491 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,474 OK, I have no more restrictions. 492 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,226 - Or empathy. - I don't like this. 493 00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:23,281 I'm going after Adam! 494 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:24,312 O'Doyle, cover me! 495 00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:26,022 Yes, sir. Ah! 496 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,191 Ah! Banks! 497 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,610 Can you tweak these gravity settings? 498 00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:32,528 There's nothing I can't tweak. 499 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:34,947 No! God damn it! 500 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,950 There's only one president here! 501 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,161 And his name is Moon Baby! 502 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,205 Semen doesn't make presidents, Adam. 503 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,290 The people do. 504 00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:45,303 People make semen. 505 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,376 - Where did you learn to argue? - The Moon! 506 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,047 - Ah! - What the hell, Banks? 507 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,506 You gonna shoot or… 508 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:56,552 Buckle up, buttercup! 509 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,638 Whoa! Ah! 510 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,226 Whoa. Final boss. 511 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,573 Ah, shit! 512 00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:22,036 Shit. I can't penetrate it. 513 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:23,090 That's what he said. 514 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,039 I'm gonna use gravity to increase your gun's muzzle velocity. 515 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:26,052 Shoot when I tell you to. 516 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,124 Wait, what? Waah! 517 00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:29,085 Shoot now! 518 00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,883 Eat my dick, Medibot! 519 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,426 - A little help here, Banks. - Whee! 520 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,428 - Wait, what are you doing? - Going back to Earth, 521 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,305 zeroing out all bank accounts to incite anarchy, 522 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,015 and ruling the rubble as a goddess. 523 00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:44,642 - Bye! - Banks, stop! 524 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,853 Nutter Bar! Oh… 525 00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,855 Oxidation protocol, activated. 526 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,650 Now allowing fire in the vacuum of space. 527 00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:58,614 Hey, hey, get off! 528 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:02,410 Can't…breathe! 529 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,745 There he is, the man I voted for! Whee! 530 00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:06,288 Banks! 531 00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:09,291 What was that safe word to snap her out of it? 532 00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,377 Nibble bits! Nelly butt! New Balance! 533 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,003 - Newt Gingrich! - Moon man! 534 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,255 - Why are you pitching? - Nutter Bar! 535 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:15,673 Fucking Nutter Bar! 536 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,259 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 537 00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:21,345 - Ah! Damn it! - Sir, what are you gonna do? 538 00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,222 The CIA has all the chips here. 539 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,849 How can we keep them from exposing 540 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:25,933 whatever they have on you? 541 00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,268 Leave it to me, Banks. 542 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:29,437 I know exactly what to do. 543 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,940 Mr. President, why were you in space? 544 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,525 Because of secret Moon stuff. 545 00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,027 But I have a much more important secret to share. 546 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,656 Last year, I was working out in the White House gym, 547 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:44,076 a gym I was unaware had active security cameras. 548 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,120 I was doing an intense set of crunches, 549 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:48,038 and I shit my pants. 550 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:49,999 My trainer didn't see it. 551 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,709 He had just gone to grab our Postmates. 552 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:52,835 I panicked. 553 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,545 I threw my underwear in the trash bin. 554 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:57,381 I wiped my ass with a gym towel, and I kept working out. 555 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,049 I did not wash my hands. 556 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,020 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. 557 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,719 I touched a lot of equipment. 558 00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:04,221 I didn't have shit on my hands, but it was still… 559 00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:05,234 disgusting. 560 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,601 I put the health of everyone who touched the StairMaster at risk. 561 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:11,353 The Office of the President is the most important office… 562 00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,481 of the most powerful nation on this planet. 563 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:16,066 If I use that power to protect my own interests, 564 00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,527 I will fail to protect what matters most: 565 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,611 the people. 566 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,031 God bless America, and don't work out if you're hungover. 567 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,043 Goodbye. 568 00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:24,073 What color was the towel, sir? 569 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:25,284 What color was the towel? 570 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,994 Sir, that was incredible. 571 00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:28,579 Banks, that kind of low bar 572 00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:31,457 is exactly what I need in my closest advisor. 573 00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:32,666 What do you say, kid? 574 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,003 After what I saw today, I'd be honored, Mr. President. 575 00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:38,672 Uh-huh. Let's see how you feel after tomorrow. 576 00:22:58,586 --> 00:23:00,004 Good girl, Boo-boo. 577 00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:01,547 Did you get any of that?