1 00:00:02,834 --> 00:00:04,268 But we scheduled for this time on this field. 2 00:00:04,535 --> 00:00:05,635 Okay, this is no way for adults 3 00:00:05,703 --> 00:00:06,903 to act in front of children. 4 00:00:06,971 --> 00:00:08,137 You're not only coaches, you're also role models. 5 00:00:08,205 --> 00:00:09,305 [Scoffs]. 6 00:00:09,373 --> 00:00:14,206 I would hardly call what he does coaching. 7 00:00:14,274 --> 00:00:16,782 Oh...Wow. Excellent role modeling. 8 00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,944 Apparently, the girls' team does not have a field 9 00:00:19,012 --> 00:00:21,994 assigned to them for practice, but the boys' team does. 10 00:00:22,831 --> 00:00:25,274 No. Not on my watch. 11 00:00:25,342 --> 00:00:27,113 Every child has the right to play, 12 00:00:27,181 --> 00:00:28,819 no matter how boring the sport. 13 00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:30,931 Okay, could you just share the field 14 00:00:30,999 --> 00:00:32,435 with the girls today, please? 15 00:00:32,502 --> 00:00:35,243 I'm the girls' coach. She's the boys' coach. 16 00:00:35,311 --> 00:00:37,352 - Oh, okay, sorry. - That's sexist. 17 00:00:37,420 --> 00:00:39,397 - No, it's not. - Yeah, it kind of is. 18 00:00:39,465 --> 00:00:41,871 Okay, why don't the boys take the field today 19 00:00:41,939 --> 00:00:43,943 and then I will make sure that the girls 20 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,249 get a place to practice by the end of the week? 21 00:00:46,316 --> 00:00:49,723 And that, little lady, is a Leslie Knope promise. 22 00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:51,860 - I'm a boy. - Good, yeah. 23 00:00:51,928 --> 00:00:53,128 'Cause I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to you. 24 00:00:53,196 --> 00:00:54,329 You're a girl, right? 25 00:00:54,397 --> 00:00:57,002 - Yeah. - Yep. She. 26 00:00:57,070 --> 00:01:07,975 00:04:37,308 "Lock myself in my office and scream 125 00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:38,475 until I lose my voice." 126 00:04:38,543 --> 00:04:39,642 That's all I have so far. 127 00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:40,910 I was gonna suggest maybe you just go 128 00:04:40,978 --> 00:04:42,078 and talk to him. 129 00:04:42,145 --> 00:04:43,479 Oh. 130 00:04:43,547 --> 00:04:45,380 You're only gonna get more resentful if you don't. 131 00:04:45,448 --> 00:04:46,381 [Sighs] 132 00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:48,316 [Cell phone rings] 133 00:04:48,383 --> 00:04:50,818 - Hey, Ann. How... - Ann. 134 00:04:50,885 --> 00:04:52,386 I have so much I need to tell you right now. 135 00:04:52,453 --> 00:04:54,387 Hey, Ann, Leslie would like to talk to you 136 00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:56,055 for a moment, is that all right? 137 00:04:56,123 --> 00:04:57,856 Good. 138 00:04:57,924 --> 00:04:59,424 Jean-Ralphio. 139 00:04:59,492 --> 00:05:02,193 Big t, what it do, nephew? 140 00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:03,927 [Both making whooshing sounds] 141 00:05:03,995 --> 00:05:06,029 Jean-Ralphio, 142 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,964 I have a hot investment opportunity 143 00:05:08,032 --> 00:05:09,632 that you are gonna wanna jump all over. 144 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:10,800 Hit me with it, daddy. 145 00:05:10,867 --> 00:05:13,034 - The Snakehole lounge... - Heard of it. 146 00:05:13,102 --> 00:05:15,337 - Is looking for investors. - No way. 147 00:05:15,404 --> 00:05:16,505 Yesterday if you would have asked me, 148 00:05:16,573 --> 00:05:17,741 I would have said no, but thank God 149 00:05:17,808 --> 00:05:19,708 my grandfather just died so I am 150 00:05:19,776 --> 00:05:23,244 * fluh-ush with cah-ash * 151 00:05:23,312 --> 00:05:24,412 awesome. 152 00:05:24,479 --> 00:05:25,946 I have 4,000 bucks. 153 00:05:26,014 --> 00:05:27,914 All I need you to do is kick in 6gs 154 00:05:27,982 --> 00:05:30,449 and then you and I are part owners 155 00:05:30,517 --> 00:05:32,017 of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee. 156 00:05:32,085 --> 00:05:33,752 Also, sorry about your grandpa. 157 00:05:33,820 --> 00:05:35,988 No worries, he was a Dick. Here's the thing. 158 00:05:36,056 --> 00:05:39,158 I can kick in 5gs. That should be enough, right? 159 00:05:39,225 --> 00:05:41,593 No, it's not enough. I just said I need 6gs. 160 00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:42,728 What about your trust fund? 161 00:05:42,795 --> 00:05:43,962 My parents had it amended. 162 00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:45,196 I don't get anything until I'm 50, 163 00:05:45,264 --> 00:05:46,397 which is a waste, 'cause I'm gonna be 164 00:05:46,465 --> 00:05:48,332 a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, 165 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,834 eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers. 166 00:05:50,902 --> 00:05:52,536 It's not a huge deal. Just sit tight. 167 00:05:52,604 --> 00:05:54,104 I'll take care of it. 168 00:05:54,172 --> 00:05:55,271 You wanna come home with me? 169 00:05:55,339 --> 00:05:58,074 Don't you work at lady foot locker? 170 00:05:58,141 --> 00:05:59,908 Look, if you're not gonna pay rent, 171 00:05:59,976 --> 00:06:01,676 at least clean up your dishes. 172 00:06:01,744 --> 00:06:04,345 Ugh! Is that all? 173 00:06:04,413 --> 00:06:05,513 No. 174 00:06:05,580 --> 00:06:07,881 Also, the bag of smells was a fun experiment, 175 00:06:07,949 --> 00:06:09,048 but it has to stop. 176 00:06:09,116 --> 00:06:10,416 Come on. 177 00:06:10,484 --> 00:06:12,751 Now... no, we're finally starting to get serious results. 178 00:06:12,819 --> 00:06:14,820 Andy, dude, I love you. 179 00:06:14,888 --> 00:06:18,858 But shape up or move out. 180 00:06:18,925 --> 00:06:20,125 What's going on? 181 00:06:20,193 --> 00:06:21,727 The guitarist from my band is driving me crazy. 182 00:06:21,794 --> 00:06:23,327 He's such a control freak. 183 00:06:23,395 --> 00:06:25,828 [Imitating roommate] Uh, that's not a working fireplace, Andy. 184 00:06:25,896 --> 00:06:28,397 Stop writing phone messages on the wall, Andy. 185 00:06:28,465 --> 00:06:29,698 Dude, seriously, I love you, 186 00:06:29,766 --> 00:06:32,166 but stop digging that weird hole in the backyard. 187 00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:33,468 Is mouse rat gonna break up? 188 00:06:33,536 --> 00:06:35,137 Well, we're not mouse rat anymore. 189 00:06:35,205 --> 00:06:36,505 We changed it to Tackleshaft. 190 00:06:36,573 --> 00:06:37,672 Oh. 191 00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:39,774 I should just get my own place. 192 00:06:39,842 --> 00:06:41,976 You should. I'll help you. 193 00:06:42,044 --> 00:06:44,111 - You could help me? - Yeah, that'd be fun. 194 00:06:44,179 --> 00:06:47,180 April, you're like an angel with no wings. 195 00:06:47,248 --> 00:06:48,815 So like a person. 196 00:06:48,883 --> 00:06:51,751 [Approaching footsteps] 197 00:06:51,819 --> 00:06:53,919 Hey. What's in the envelope? 198 00:06:53,987 --> 00:06:57,289 Nothing. You wanted to see me? 199 00:06:57,357 --> 00:06:59,491 I think the Pawnee chapter of the I.O.W. 200 00:06:59,559 --> 00:07:00,592 Has a made a little mistake. 201 00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:03,094 RR, RR, RR. Really? 202 00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:06,197 You're saying a women's organization made a mistake? 203 00:07:06,264 --> 00:07:07,765 I was as surprised as you were. 204 00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:09,133 But the fact is, 205 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,967 they only give that award to women. 206 00:07:11,035 --> 00:07:12,269 Hmm. 207 00:07:12,336 --> 00:07:14,704 Well, it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter. 208 00:07:14,771 --> 00:07:17,338 Yeah, but it also mentioned my camp project. 209 00:07:17,406 --> 00:07:18,772 Ah, yes, camp Xena. 210 00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:20,173 Athena. Camp Athena. 211 00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:21,541 You don't even know the name. 212 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,042 Oh, I almost got it. It was pretty close. 213 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,543 - No. - Look, Leslie. 214 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:27,112 Your job, which you're great at, 215 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,346 is making me look good. 216 00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,549 Which you've clearly done well 217 00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:32,984 because I'm getting an award. 218 00:07:33,051 --> 00:07:34,685 Right? 219 00:07:34,753 --> 00:07:36,687 - Yeah? - Be proud of yourself. 220 00:07:36,755 --> 00:07:38,455 I mean, you deserve an award. 221 00:07:38,523 --> 00:07:41,524 Not this one, obviously. This one belongs to me. 222 00:07:41,592 --> 00:07:43,159 But some other one. 223 00:07:43,227 --> 00:07:45,794 Some other lesser award. 224 00:07:45,861 --> 00:07:47,095 And if the shoe were on the other foot 225 00:07:47,163 --> 00:07:49,864 and you won the award, I would have congratulated you. 226 00:07:52,334 --> 00:07:53,434 [Softly] Congratulations, Ron. 227 00:07:53,502 --> 00:07:57,237 - What's that? - You heard me. 228 00:07:57,305 --> 00:07:58,472 You promised the girls a field 229 00:07:58,539 --> 00:07:59,839 by the end of this week. 230 00:07:59,907 --> 00:08:03,476 Well, it's a man's world, Winston, get used to it. 231 00:08:03,543 --> 00:08:06,445 I'm a man. 232 00:08:06,513 --> 00:08:08,313 You know who you should talk to? 233 00:08:08,381 --> 00:08:09,481 Ron Swanson. 234 00:08:09,549 --> 00:08:11,283 He's an award winning public servant. 235 00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:12,517 He's the guy that's gonna help you out. 236 00:08:12,585 --> 00:08:14,719 Go on in there. 237 00:08:14,787 --> 00:08:18,055 'Scuse me. Ron, someone's coming in. 238 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,190 Hi. 239 00:08:19,257 --> 00:08:21,224 Leslie said I should come over here. 240 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,559 If you don't get credit for your work, 241 00:08:22,626 --> 00:08:24,494 why bother doing it? 242 00:08:24,562 --> 00:08:26,862 Because I love it. 243 00:08:26,930 --> 00:08:28,597 But I'm gonna make a point. 244 00:08:31,015 --> 00:08:33,884 This VIP card gives you exclusive access 245 00:08:33,952 --> 00:08:36,753 to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. 246 00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:39,155 Where: Multipurpose room f. 247 00:08:39,222 --> 00:08:41,323 When: 3:00 P.M. 248 00:08:41,391 --> 00:08:43,692 Dress code: Black tie optional. 249 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,227 Just like life. 250 00:08:46,295 --> 00:08:48,329 Hey, you want to see me? 251 00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:52,565 Yes, yes, just hang on one second. 252 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,033 I'm doing my official portrait 253 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,835 for the I.U.D. Awards dinner program. 254 00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,405 I.O.W. 255 00:08:58,473 --> 00:09:01,109 No, this portrait is not official in any way. 256 00:09:01,177 --> 00:09:02,510 I'm paying for it myself. 257 00:09:02,578 --> 00:09:05,146 Did you need me? 258 00:09:05,214 --> 00:09:07,749 Because some of us actually do work around here. 259 00:09:07,816 --> 00:09:10,718 Work that often goes unrewarded. 260 00:09:10,786 --> 00:09:12,620 I need your opinion. 261 00:09:12,688 --> 00:09:15,456 Which of these objects most represents women 262 00:09:15,524 --> 00:09:17,289 for this portrait? 263 00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,989 A pot? 264 00:09:20,057 --> 00:09:24,026 Or this deputy director Barbie? 265 00:09:24,094 --> 00:09:25,260 Isn't it adorable? 266 00:09:25,328 --> 00:09:27,696 She's got a little briefcase, her cell phone... 267 00:09:27,763 --> 00:09:30,331 [High-pitched voice] I'm going to help my boss win an award. 268 00:09:30,399 --> 00:09:32,700 How's the, uh, scheduling conflict 269 00:09:32,768 --> 00:09:33,968 with the soccer teams going? 270 00:09:34,035 --> 00:09:35,002 Take care of that, did you? 271 00:09:35,070 --> 00:09:37,304 Nope. Passed the buck to Donna. 272 00:09:37,372 --> 00:09:38,605 That's not really the attitude 273 00:09:38,673 --> 00:09:40,273 I expect from an award winner. 274 00:09:40,341 --> 00:09:42,342 Everything I do is the attitude 275 00:09:42,409 --> 00:09:46,479 of an award winner because I've won an award. 276 00:09:46,546 --> 00:09:49,080 So what kind of place are you looking for? 277 00:09:49,148 --> 00:09:51,215 I can afford, like, 300 bucks a month. 278 00:09:51,283 --> 00:09:53,750 I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie. 279 00:09:53,818 --> 00:09:55,151 That would be awesome. Or Kipp. 280 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:56,318 I'm pretty flexible on that. 281 00:09:56,386 --> 00:09:57,653 Here's a great one. 282 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,555 It's a Tudor mansion, it's got seven rooms, 283 00:10:00,623 --> 00:10:03,024 four bathrooms, it's got a tennis court, 284 00:10:03,092 --> 00:10:05,125 a pool, and a three-car garage. 285 00:10:05,193 --> 00:10:06,226 What? 286 00:10:06,294 --> 00:10:08,595 And it's only $20,000 a month. 287 00:10:08,663 --> 00:10:10,029 And it's in Chicago. 288 00:10:10,097 --> 00:10:13,232 Aw. That close. It was almost perfect. 289 00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:16,001 Actually, there are a couple cool places in here. 290 00:10:16,069 --> 00:10:17,703 - Let's go look at them. - Now? 291 00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,104 - Let's roll. - Okay. 292 00:10:27,813 --> 00:10:30,047 Thank you all so much for joining me today. 293 00:10:30,115 --> 00:10:31,548 I have two questions for you. 294 00:10:31,616 --> 00:10:34,150 One: Are you ready for the investment opportunity 295 00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:35,318 of a lifetime? 296 00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,419 And two: Do any of you have pacemakers 297 00:10:37,487 --> 00:10:38,587 or a history of epilepsy? 298 00:10:38,655 --> 00:10:39,688 Yes, both. 299 00:10:39,756 --> 00:10:42,357 - Anybody, no?... right. - Both. 300 00:10:42,425 --> 00:10:46,227 [Frenetic club music] 301 00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:48,329 Ladies. 302 00:10:48,396 --> 00:10:50,664 * * 303 00:10:50,732 --> 00:10:54,600 Jay-z. Rihanna. Audrina Patridge. 304 00:10:54,668 --> 00:10:59,104 Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki. 305 00:10:59,171 --> 00:11:00,472 Are these real people? 306 00:11:00,539 --> 00:11:03,040 Cash Warren. And Dennis Rodman. 307 00:11:03,108 --> 00:11:04,608 These are just a few of the celebrities 308 00:11:04,676 --> 00:11:07,944 that wish they could invest in Pawnee's hottest club. 309 00:11:08,012 --> 00:11:10,980 But they caaaaan't! 310 00:11:11,048 --> 00:11:13,382 And you can for the small price of only 311 00:11:13,449 --> 00:11:17,183 [echoing] $1,000. 312 00:11:17,251 --> 00:11:21,520 The only question is, who's gonna be my partner? 313 00:11:21,588 --> 00:11:23,021 Mark, I'm talking to you. 314 00:11:23,089 --> 00:11:24,456 Donna, I'm talking to you. 315 00:11:24,523 --> 00:11:26,424 Jerry, I'm talking to you. 316 00:11:26,492 --> 00:11:29,827 Mark, I'm talking to you. 317 00:11:29,895 --> 00:11:32,996 26 certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, 318 00:11:33,063 --> 00:11:35,197 medals, and miscellany certifying that I am 319 00:11:35,265 --> 00:11:36,998 the kind of person who deserves recognition 320 00:11:37,065 --> 00:11:38,665 for her achievements. 321 00:11:38,733 --> 00:11:39,932 What do you have, Ron? 322 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,468 I have the Dorothy everytime Smurf girl trophy 323 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,337 for excellence in female stuff. 324 00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:47,572 Dorothy Everton Smythe. I swear to God... 325 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,007 Leslie. 326 00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:52,444 Before you continue, please read this. 327 00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,845 Another organization giving you credit 328 00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:58,481 for something you didn't do? 329 00:11:58,549 --> 00:12:02,183 "I, Ron Swanson, recognize that 330 00:12:02,251 --> 00:12:04,821 "Leslie Knope should have received the I.O.W. Award 331 00:12:04,889 --> 00:12:06,790 "for all the hard work she has done, 332 00:12:06,857 --> 00:12:08,758 "especially for the camp Athena project. 333 00:12:08,826 --> 00:12:12,895 "However, in my opinion, she is far too concerned 334 00:12:12,963 --> 00:12:15,097 with institutional gratification." 335 00:12:15,165 --> 00:12:16,432 No, I'm not. 336 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:20,737 "So I'm gonna let her dangle in order to show her 337 00:12:20,805 --> 00:12:24,709 that awards are bull... crap." 338 00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,578 Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. 339 00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:27,912 I love powerful women. 340 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:30,582 Well, you do attend a shocking number of WNBA games. 341 00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:34,018 I'm just saying that awards are political. 342 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,254 And everybody has an agenda. 343 00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,888 You spend your life chasing them, 344 00:12:37,956 --> 00:12:39,222 you'll drive yourself nuts. 345 00:12:39,290 --> 00:12:40,590 Yeah, all right. 346 00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:43,156 But Dorothy Everton Smythe was a trailblazing feminist. 347 00:12:43,223 --> 00:12:44,889 She was the first woman in Pawnee 348 00:12:44,957 --> 00:12:46,623 to wear pants on a Sunday. 349 00:12:46,691 --> 00:12:48,223 She spent four years in jail for that. 350 00:12:48,290 --> 00:12:50,590 I know I'm not supposed to care about these things, 351 00:12:50,658 --> 00:12:55,094 but this one means a lot. 352 00:12:55,162 --> 00:12:58,931 * I know you've been changing * 353 00:12:58,998 --> 00:13:01,466 the acoustics in the bathroom are insane. 354 00:13:01,534 --> 00:13:03,767 So, um, how much is this one again? 355 00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:07,168 Uh, this one is $425 a month plus utilities. 356 00:13:07,236 --> 00:13:08,636 Hmm. I like it. 357 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:10,671 Uh, it seems to have... 358 00:13:10,738 --> 00:13:13,106 A lot of potential and... 359 00:13:13,173 --> 00:13:16,677 A lot of advantages, per Se. 360 00:13:16,746 --> 00:13:17,813 Could definitely picture myself 361 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:22,718 doing something over there. 362 00:13:22,785 --> 00:13:24,686 You hear that? 363 00:13:24,753 --> 00:13:26,654 What is that? 364 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:27,988 It's still on. 365 00:13:28,056 --> 00:13:29,323 You can light a match to get rid of that smell. 366 00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,558 I feel really good about this. 367 00:13:31,626 --> 00:13:33,960 - Really? - It screams Andy Dwyer. 368 00:13:34,028 --> 00:13:36,429 And I live nearby, so we could, like, 369 00:13:36,497 --> 00:13:37,663 carpool to work or something. 370 00:13:37,731 --> 00:13:38,864 - Oh, are you serious? - Yep. 371 00:13:38,932 --> 00:13:40,765 The scream just got louder. 372 00:13:40,833 --> 00:13:42,133 Uh, so what do you think? 373 00:13:42,201 --> 00:13:45,869 I don't know, make me an offer. 374 00:13:45,937 --> 00:13:48,605 Okay. First come, first served. 375 00:13:48,673 --> 00:13:50,340 Who's in? Jerry. 376 00:13:50,408 --> 00:13:51,674 Oh, geez, Tom. 377 00:13:51,742 --> 00:13:54,210 If I spend any more than 25 bucks, I gotta ask my wife. 378 00:13:54,277 --> 00:13:57,045 - Jerry, get out. - Okay. 379 00:13:57,113 --> 00:13:58,647 [Imitating Ann] Mark, what are we doing tonight? 380 00:13:58,715 --> 00:14:00,882 [Imitating mark] Oh, I don't know, Ann. 381 00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:02,817 We could do the usual boring stuff 382 00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:05,653 like eat some chicken salad with some crackers 383 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,887 or watch the pay-per-view. 384 00:14:06,954 --> 00:14:08,522 Or... 385 00:14:08,589 --> 00:14:11,791 We could go to my nightclub and do some dancin'. 386 00:14:11,859 --> 00:14:13,059 I don't think so, man. 387 00:14:13,126 --> 00:14:15,627 You'd never have to beg for sex again. 388 00:14:15,695 --> 00:14:17,095 I don't wanna get into this, really, 389 00:14:17,163 --> 00:14:19,464 but I don't beg for sex now. 390 00:14:19,531 --> 00:14:21,498 Forget about that, mark. Are you in or out? 391 00:14:21,566 --> 00:14:23,567 Just not really my thing. 392 00:14:23,635 --> 00:14:27,103 Bye, mark. 393 00:14:27,171 --> 00:14:28,471 Cindy. 394 00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:29,738 * Donna * 395 00:14:29,806 --> 00:14:31,573 maybe. I like the Snakehole. 396 00:14:31,641 --> 00:14:33,642 Plus, I would look good pulling into 397 00:14:33,709 --> 00:14:36,477 my owner's parking space in my Mercedes. 398 00:14:36,545 --> 00:14:38,545 Just to be clear, you wouldn't be an owner per Se. 399 00:14:38,613 --> 00:14:40,179 You, me, and my boy jean-Ralphio 400 00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:42,148 would each own part of a share. 401 00:14:42,216 --> 00:14:43,749 Will that be cash or check? 402 00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:44,984 Not so fast. 403 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,152 I'd like to know who I'm in business with. 404 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,420 I wanna meet your boy. 405 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,856 Come here. This lady's here. 406 00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:54,426 Hi. I'm Elise Yarktin. I'm with the I.O.W. 407 00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:57,427 I'm...Woman of the year, Ron Swanson. 408 00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:58,728 Yes, I know. 409 00:14:58,796 --> 00:15:00,196 We are very excited to be presenting you 410 00:15:00,264 --> 00:15:01,431 with the Smythe award. 411 00:15:01,498 --> 00:15:03,633 That's what I called you to talk about. 412 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:06,235 I don't know if I can take all the excitement. 413 00:15:06,302 --> 00:15:09,704 So I think the award should go to miss Knope here. 414 00:15:09,772 --> 00:15:10,872 Hello. 415 00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:12,407 She's the one who really deserves it. 416 00:15:12,475 --> 00:15:15,110 Camp Athena was her idea, she did all the work. 417 00:15:15,177 --> 00:15:16,278 You made a mistake. 418 00:15:16,345 --> 00:15:18,879 Uh, we didn't make a mistake. 419 00:15:18,947 --> 00:15:21,415 We made a very conscious decision this year 420 00:15:21,482 --> 00:15:22,949 to choose a man. 421 00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:24,150 Why? 422 00:15:24,218 --> 00:15:26,085 Well, uh, every year we give it to a woman, 423 00:15:26,153 --> 00:15:27,853 and frankly nobody cares. 424 00:15:27,921 --> 00:15:29,821 Yeah, the media has all but written us off 425 00:15:29,889 --> 00:15:32,023 as a niche interest group. 426 00:15:32,091 --> 00:15:35,359 But if you give a woman's award to 427 00:15:35,427 --> 00:15:38,796 a mustachioed, masculine man such as yourself, 428 00:15:38,863 --> 00:15:41,097 well, then, eventually people take notice. 429 00:15:41,165 --> 00:15:43,232 I don't want the damn thing. 430 00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:44,400 Well, we're giving it to you. 431 00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:46,735 So you're gonna take it. 432 00:15:46,802 --> 00:15:47,902 Like a man. 433 00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:51,604 So congratulations. 434 00:15:51,672 --> 00:15:53,706 The I.O.W. Is a bunch of sexist jerks 435 00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,674 who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong 436 00:15:55,743 --> 00:15:58,312 and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists 437 00:15:58,380 --> 00:15:59,647 like Ron Swanson! 438 00:15:59,715 --> 00:16:01,816 Oh, my God, what is happening? 439 00:16:03,905 --> 00:16:06,138 Now do you see how silly these things are? 440 00:16:06,206 --> 00:16:07,306 Unbelievable. 441 00:16:07,373 --> 00:16:08,573 Obviously, I'm just gonna decline it. 442 00:16:08,641 --> 00:16:09,907 No, I want you to accept it. 443 00:16:09,975 --> 00:16:11,243 I want you to go to the podium and talk about 444 00:16:11,310 --> 00:16:12,443 how stupid awards are. 445 00:16:12,511 --> 00:16:14,611 And how they're superficial and meaningless. 446 00:16:14,679 --> 00:16:17,013 I want you to rip awards a new a-hole. 447 00:16:17,081 --> 00:16:19,048 Now we're talking. I'll tell you what. 448 00:16:19,116 --> 00:16:21,383 You write the speech, don't pull your punches. 449 00:16:21,451 --> 00:16:23,017 I won't. I'm gonna push my punches. 450 00:16:23,085 --> 00:16:24,652 As far as my fist can extend. 451 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,353 Atta girl. 452 00:16:26,421 --> 00:16:27,454 Kind of. 453 00:16:27,522 --> 00:16:31,257 What up, big t? Stop. 454 00:16:31,325 --> 00:16:33,192 This must be the lovely Donna. 455 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,993 Enchante. 456 00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:37,128 Listen, beautiful, let's cut the bull. 457 00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:39,230 Right? You want this. 458 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,931 I definitely want this. T.H. Wants this. 459 00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:42,399 [Makes explosion sound] 460 00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:45,469 Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. 461 00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:47,370 Step one: We buy into this club. 462 00:16:47,438 --> 00:16:49,505 Step two: We roll over to the club, 463 00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:51,907 either in your Mercedes-Benz or my pre-owned Acura legend. 464 00:16:51,974 --> 00:16:55,410 Step three: I dagger you on the dance floor, 465 00:16:55,478 --> 00:16:56,711 just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. 466 00:16:56,779 --> 00:16:57,980 * and now all the ladies say * 467 00:16:58,047 --> 00:16:59,881 * bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce * 468 00:16:59,949 --> 00:17:01,382 what do you say, sexy? 469 00:17:01,450 --> 00:17:03,451 - I'm out. - Why? 470 00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:06,353 I hate that guy. 471 00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:07,987 [Sighs] 472 00:17:08,055 --> 00:17:09,789 Oh, Mr. Swanson. 473 00:17:09,857 --> 00:17:12,491 Hi, welcome to the I.O.W. Awards, 474 00:17:12,559 --> 00:17:14,960 and congratulations on winning. 475 00:17:15,028 --> 00:17:16,127 Yay. 476 00:17:16,195 --> 00:17:18,229 Well, here is your awards packet, 477 00:17:18,296 --> 00:17:19,830 and, uh, if you will just follow me, 478 00:17:19,897 --> 00:17:21,163 uh, we're gonna have a little meet and greet 479 00:17:21,231 --> 00:17:22,331 before the ceremony. 480 00:17:22,399 --> 00:17:24,199 - Okay. - Great. 481 00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:25,367 Oh, um, no, I'm sorry, 482 00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:27,469 this area is for award winners only. 483 00:17:27,537 --> 00:17:29,806 Oh, get over yourself, Elise. 484 00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,642 Work on the speech. Let's nail these women. 485 00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:33,909 You know what I mean. 486 00:17:33,976 --> 00:17:35,243 Yeah. 487 00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:37,011 I don't know, Andy. What's it all about? 488 00:17:37,079 --> 00:17:38,947 What's the secret? 489 00:17:39,015 --> 00:17:40,081 Yeah. 490 00:17:40,149 --> 00:17:41,516 Why is it so hard to become a mogul? 491 00:17:41,584 --> 00:17:43,484 All I want in life is to own a nightclub 492 00:17:43,552 --> 00:17:44,919 on every continent. 493 00:17:44,986 --> 00:17:46,320 Have my own line of upscale sweat suits 494 00:17:46,388 --> 00:17:47,888 and a cologne called Tommy fresh. 495 00:17:47,955 --> 00:17:49,923 And I fell $1,000 short. 496 00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:52,525 Seriously? That's all you needed? 497 00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,194 Tom, I have $1,000. You can have it. 498 00:17:54,261 --> 00:17:55,862 Thanks, Andy, but I can't take your money. 499 00:17:55,930 --> 00:17:57,430 I'm a singer-songwriter. 500 00:17:57,498 --> 00:18:00,600 The two lines I put into every song I've ever sang, 501 00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:01,901 "spread your wings and fly" 502 00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:03,502 and "you deserve to be a champion." 503 00:18:03,569 --> 00:18:05,637 You're telling me that all you need 504 00:18:05,704 --> 00:18:08,640 is $1,000 to do your dreams? 505 00:18:08,708 --> 00:18:11,709 Then I want you to have it. 506 00:18:11,776 --> 00:18:14,011 Are you sure about this? 507 00:18:14,078 --> 00:18:15,579 Maybe. 508 00:18:15,646 --> 00:18:17,046 You know how happy you just made me? 509 00:18:17,113 --> 00:18:18,213 [Laughs] 510 00:18:18,281 --> 00:18:20,515 He's the director of the Pawnee 511 00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:22,283 parks and recreation department. 512 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,751 He is also the recipient of this year's 513 00:18:24,819 --> 00:18:28,186 Dorothy Everton Smythe female empowerment award. 514 00:18:28,254 --> 00:18:30,856 Please put your hands together for Mr. Ron Swanson. 515 00:18:30,923 --> 00:18:33,925 [Cheers and applause] 516 00:18:41,733 --> 00:18:44,434 Thank you, thank you. 517 00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:47,737 Every award from the smallest trophy 518 00:18:47,805 --> 00:18:50,172 to the Nobel prize 519 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,942 is nothing more than... 520 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,548 Is nothing more than a great way 521 00:19:01,616 --> 00:19:03,183 to honor someone. 522 00:19:03,251 --> 00:19:05,319 So I would like to present this year's 523 00:19:05,386 --> 00:19:08,054 Dottie English whatever award 524 00:19:08,122 --> 00:19:10,856 to the person who actually deserves it. 525 00:19:10,924 --> 00:19:12,991 Leslie Knope. Come on up here, Leslie. 526 00:19:13,059 --> 00:19:16,061 [Cheers and applause] 527 00:19:18,898 --> 00:19:20,064 Thank you. 528 00:19:20,132 --> 00:19:22,400 I don't know what to say. 529 00:19:22,468 --> 00:19:25,102 Um, honestly, I'm just very honored 530 00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:27,137 to work for someone as insightful and kind 531 00:19:27,205 --> 00:19:29,339 as my boss. 532 00:19:29,407 --> 00:19:32,442 So I would like to present this year's 533 00:19:32,509 --> 00:19:34,710 Dorothy Everton Smythe award 534 00:19:34,778 --> 00:19:39,447 to Ron Swanson. 535 00:19:39,515 --> 00:19:42,349 I don't want it. Just take the damn thing. 536 00:19:42,417 --> 00:19:43,484 - You deserve it. - No, no, really. 537 00:19:43,551 --> 00:19:44,752 No, Ron, you deserve it. 538 00:19:44,819 --> 00:19:45,919 Really, but I don't want it. 539 00:19:45,987 --> 00:19:47,253 But you won it, and you should win it. 540 00:19:47,321 --> 00:19:49,054 After that whole conversation... 541 00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:50,255 - I'm being ridiculous. - If you don't... 542 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:51,423 Could someone please just take it? 543 00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:52,657 Okay, I'll take it. 544 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,092 Who do I speak to about getting this changed? 545 00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:55,593 Get off the stage. 546 00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:59,030 I still think awards are stupid. 547 00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,531 But they'd be less stupid if they went to 548 00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,601 the right people. 549 00:20:07,438 --> 00:20:09,139 You gave Tom all your money? 550 00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:11,274 Yeah. Well, I'm investing. 551 00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:13,710 I'm like Warren "Buffay." 552 00:20:13,778 --> 00:20:15,044 I kind of feel like it would have been 553 00:20:15,112 --> 00:20:16,379 good for you to have your own place. 554 00:20:16,447 --> 00:20:18,014 Ah, yeah, I know. 555 00:20:18,081 --> 00:20:22,017 But I feel like Tom really needed the money. 556 00:20:22,085 --> 00:20:23,985 And small sacrifice to see one of your best friend's 557 00:20:24,053 --> 00:20:26,921 dreams come true. 558 00:20:26,989 --> 00:20:30,024 [Scoffs] 559 00:20:30,092 --> 00:20:31,192 They cropped you out. 560 00:20:31,259 --> 00:20:32,560 Figures. 561 00:20:32,628 --> 00:20:34,928 So where are you gonna put it? 562 00:20:34,996 --> 00:20:36,230 Uh, I have an idea. 563 00:20:36,298 --> 00:20:38,265 One... 564 00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:41,335 Both: Two, three. 565 00:20:44,271 --> 00:20:47,273 [Chuckles] 566 00:20:55,909 --> 00:20:56,909 What's up? 567 00:20:56,976 --> 00:20:58,409 Hey, guys. How long did you wait in line? 568 00:20:58,477 --> 00:21:00,044 I didn't wait at all. I'm a part owner. 569 00:21:00,111 --> 00:21:02,445 Freddy. I'm back. 570 00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:03,979 Tom Haverford, part owner. 571 00:21:04,047 --> 00:21:05,747 Let me know if you need anything. 572 00:21:05,815 --> 00:21:07,381 Keep this booth warm for me every night. 573 00:21:07,449 --> 00:21:08,950 I'm gonna live in this booth. 574 00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:10,951 [Chuckles] 575 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:14,953 Yes, sir. 576 00:21:15,021 --> 00:21:17,088 Donna? 577 00:21:17,156 --> 00:21:18,223 What are you doing here? 578 00:21:18,290 --> 00:21:20,457 I bought three shares. Thanks for the tip. 579 00:21:20,458 --> 00:21:24,458 Sync by honeybunny corrected dny238 www.Addic7ed.Com