1
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:29,340
Good evening. Nice to be with you again,
isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. Very nice

2
00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:33,560
indeed. We'll start straight away with
some news of an exceptionally busy night

3
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:34,560
for the police.

4
00:00:34,580 --> 00:00:38,380
Ten tons of human hair on the way to be
made into wigs fell off a lorry on the

5
00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:39,299
A1 today.

6
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:40,840
Police are still combing the area.

7
00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:50,200
And in Sussex... A van load of bread
overturned when it collided with a lorry

8
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,440
carrying tins of pork luncheon meat.

9
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,680
Motorists should proceed with caution as
the road is blocked by an unusually

10
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:57,680
large sandwich.

11
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,200
And the South Pilling Fire Brigade,
which has been late for every fire in

12
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,000
last seven years, is seeking advice.

13
00:01:06,260 --> 00:01:12,620
Please ring them at South Pilling 76249
-357 -721 -0464.

14
00:01:16,630 --> 00:01:17,750
Extension 50375.

15
00:01:19,650 --> 00:01:25,250
And earlier today, at the Old Bailey,
Jim Spriggs, the world's greatest

16
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,850
confidence trickster, sentenced the
judge to five years hard labour.

17
00:01:30,470 --> 00:01:34,490
While in Battersea, a self -employed man
was found guilty of defrauding the

18
00:01:34,490 --> 00:01:38,030
Minister of Social Security by sticking
trading stamps on his national insurance

19
00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:41,590
card. He was fined £50 or an electric
food mixer.

20
00:01:43,110 --> 00:01:44,110
And now...

21
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,360
Some more bad news, I'm afraid, about
the social services. The Midwives

22
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:52,040
Association announced plans today for a
nationwide strike and will not deliver

23
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,120
any more babies as from midnight
tonight.

24
00:01:54,980 --> 00:01:57,220
As from tomorrow, you'll have to collect
them for yourselves.

25
00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:02,640
And now it's time once again to consider
the state of the party.

26
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:07,000
Yes, absolutely true. Yes, absolutely
true. I was there at the time.

27
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:08,519
Yes.

28
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,160
Hello.

29
00:02:11,910 --> 00:02:12,728
Oh, hello.

30
00:02:12,730 --> 00:02:14,230
Jolly nice of you to come.

31
00:02:14,450 --> 00:02:15,610
Not at all. Have a drink.

32
00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:16,769
Thank you very much.

33
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:20,650
Oh, thank God. I say, that's an awfully
unusual jump you've got there.

34
00:02:20,910 --> 00:02:24,390
Oh, well, it's the latest thing to do,
this. This is the fun thing.

35
00:02:25,010 --> 00:02:26,010
It's all the rage.

36
00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:30,310
I read it somewhere. I think, didn't I?

37
00:02:30,570 --> 00:02:34,330
No. Oh. No. It's utterly ridiculous and
no one ever does it.

38
00:02:34,550 --> 00:02:38,230
Oh. Completely ridiculous and absolutely
unfashionable.

39
00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:39,770
Oh, that's good.

40
00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:45,270
Well, it is rather Fergal. I thought of
it my Sergal.

41
00:02:46,270 --> 00:02:52,030
Is that the latest trend, saying
everything and adding Ergal on at the

42
00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:53,490
That'll never catch on.

43
00:02:53,950 --> 00:02:56,270
No, not as much fun as the old kangaroo
jump.

44
00:02:56,650 --> 00:02:58,770
No. Hello, every Fergal.

45
00:02:59,270 --> 00:03:00,270
No, hello.

46
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:04,570
Have a Dregal. Oh, Fergal, very Mergal.
Now, have you got Jergal or Wergal? I

47
00:03:04,570 --> 00:03:07,570
believe you've got a little bit of
Brergal. I think I'll have a drop of

48
00:03:07,650 --> 00:03:08,650
Fergal. Yes, certainly.

49
00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:10,150
Hello.

50
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:11,690
Hello.

51
00:03:14,030 --> 00:03:18,230
Pathetic. It really is pathetic. I mean,
you're like a load of Shergill. Sheep,

52
00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:19,230
sheep, sheep.

53
00:03:19,550 --> 00:03:21,130
Perhaps that's just a little J.

54
00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:22,810
Worthington fits Sour Grapesville.

55
00:03:23,030 --> 00:03:25,370
Is that another trend? Saying J.

56
00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:26,650
Worthington fits everything?

57
00:03:26,930 --> 00:03:28,390
Yes, J. Worthington fits exactly.

58
00:03:28,630 --> 00:03:30,090
Oh, how lucky for J. Worthington.

59
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:34,090
You see, I can be amusing without using
gimmicks.

60
00:03:34,410 --> 00:03:35,410
When?

61
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:48,720
in ever since Tuesday. It was all the
rage at Magnus's housewarming party. Oh,

62
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,760
it was all the rage at Magnus's
housewarming party. No, in the Karl Marx

63
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:54,880
Remember that? Oh,

64
00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,660
anybody can do that. I can do that. I
just don't want to do it. That's all

65
00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:01,660
quack.

66
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,680
I say that was awfully good. Do that
again.

67
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,200
Do what again? Quack.

68
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,220
Oh, that's great fun.

69
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:11,440
Quack.

70
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,680
Bells, there's no need to make fun of my
speech defect.

71
00:04:13,940 --> 00:04:14,940
Quirk!

72
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:15,960
Oh,

73
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,740
sorry. I didn't realise it was a speech
defect.

74
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,920
Anyway, it might catch on and then
everyone will be doing it and no one

75
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:30,920
know that you're doing it. Oh, no, no,
I'm

76
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,600
bored. I'm bored with all this. No, I
want something new.

77
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,780
Well, Magnus will be here in a minurgle.
He's sure to have thought of something

78
00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:38,180
nurgle. That's true. Hello!

79
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:40,600
Lovely party pools.

80
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,440
Oh, but drink the booze. Easy booze.
We've got ginny booze or whiskey booze?

81
00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:49,960
Ginny booze. I like your beardy booze.
Oh, tarzy booze. Yes.

82
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,800
Where's your little beardy booze?

83
00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:56,540
I lost it. No, I didn't. I never had a
beard. Never had one. Didn't want one.

84
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,260
Not interested in fashions or trends.

85
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,520
Can't bear them. Well, I think it's
lovely.

86
00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:02,920
I can't wait for Magnus to see Virgo.

87
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:09,440
Magnus, schmagnus, I'm going Fitzbloody
homey booze and I'm Nurgle coming Virgo.

88
00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:39,460
No, you don't like gimmicks if we're not
taking you out in Agnes. Come on.

89
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:44,320
Thank you, folks. Thank you for a lovely
party.

90
00:06:12,270 --> 00:06:15,710
If there's one more song I'll be
singing.

91
00:06:16,050 --> 00:06:20,050
I'm always going, but I don't know
where.

92
00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:26,770
Keep on moving, moving on. I've been 17
years in South Australia.

93
00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:30,170
Eight more years just running free.

94
00:06:30,450 --> 00:06:36,330
With the girls back home in their short
blue dresses. Only hear one thing from

95
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:37,330
me.

96
00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:41,390
If there's one more time.

97
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,760
I might be the winning, I'll be there.

98
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:50,760
If there's one more song, I'll be
singing.

99
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:57,900
I'm always going, but I don't know
where. Keep a moving, a moving on.

100
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:04,280
Went round to Sydney last summer on a
tanker working my way.

101
00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:08,900
There were well -mannered ladies,
streets that were shady.

102
00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:11,660
But for me, I never could stay.

103
00:07:14,890 --> 00:07:18,330
If there's one more town, I'll be going.

104
00:07:18,810 --> 00:07:21,670
I'll fight for the winning, I'll be
there.

105
00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:25,690
If there's one more song, I'll be
singing.

106
00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:28,950
I'm always going, but I don't.

107
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:55,820
Sailed up north on a schooner, but I
wouldn't be staying there long.

108
00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:02,480
There were bright city lights and girls
in pink tights, but their faces were all

109
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:03,480
painted on.

110
00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:09,920
If there's one more town, I'll be going.

111
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,100
I'll find me the winning, I'll be there.

112
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:17,200
If there's one more song, I'll be
singing.

113
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:21,560
I'm always going, but I don't know
where.

114
00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:25,420
I don't know where.

115
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,120
I don't know where.

116
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,659
I don't know where.

117
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:54,620
I'm appealing to you tonight on behalf
of the society for the very clumsy.

118
00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:59,440
You know, it can be very unpleasant to
be clumsy.

119
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:04,440
Last week, one of our members broke 44
bones, nine of them his own.

120
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,460
Even I myself do tend to knock over the
occasional table.

121
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:11,960
In fact, last month, I knocked over five
occasional tables.

122
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:17,700
Now, our society was founded in the 16th
century, thank you, by...

123
00:09:19,070 --> 00:09:23,670
Our society, as I was saying, was
founded in the 16th century by the

124
00:09:23,670 --> 00:09:27,530
who beheaded Sir Thomas More, although
he was actually aiming at Anne Boleyn.

125
00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:34,670
Today, we have 26 ,000 members, and
you'll be pleased to hear that only 87

126
00:09:34,670 --> 00:09:38,710
these are in hospital, and only 53 of
them are surgeons.

127
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:43,330
Two years ago, we decided to set up a
clumsy centre.

128
00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:48,480
Our president, Sir Henry Splint, himself
laid our foundation stone with the

129
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,560
immortal words, Whoops, sorry your
ladyship, that was the trowel.

130
00:09:53,620 --> 00:10:00,440
To help members lead a normal life, as I
only recently started

131
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,440
to do.

132
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:03,320
It is very difficult.

133
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,140
It is very difficult for our members to
find work.

134
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:14,270
Mostly, the only jobs that are available
are things like demolition work, post

135
00:10:14,270 --> 00:10:16,850
office management and captaining oil
tankers.

136
00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:23,890
Above all, we need money to train our
members not to be clumsy.

137
00:10:24,310 --> 00:10:29,310
Here is an example of what can be done a
given sufficient time and training.

138
00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:33,930
It was made by our oldest member
entirely out of matchsticks and chewing

139
00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:38,290
Unfortunately, he is no longer with us,
and as soon as he had finished this

140
00:10:38,290 --> 00:10:40,470
model, he stepped back to admire his
work.

141
00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:43,170
tripped over his landlady and fell out
of an open window.

142
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:48,290
But at least he has left something to
posterity, so your money will not be

143
00:10:48,290 --> 00:10:49,290
wasted.

144
00:10:49,470 --> 00:10:50,010
Well...

145
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:57,030
Well,

146
00:10:57,210 --> 00:10:59,310
that's that.

147
00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:01,230
Give generously.

148
00:11:01,590 --> 00:11:06,030
We want to set up clumsy centres all
over Britain where clumsy people can

149
00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:07,230
in without hurting themselves.

150
00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:11,370
We also want to build a school for
children of clumsy members.

151
00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:18,310
So far, none of them have managed to
have any children, but I know... I

152
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:24,170
know they're all trying desperately hard
at this very moment.

153
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:28,930
Thank you. Thank you for listening.
Don't be afraid to write to me, or if we

154
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:32,010
should bump into each other in the
street, then it's bound to be my fault.

155
00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:34,250
Thank you once again, and good night.

156
00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:59,270
You will doubtless remember, dear
overindulgent reader, how I had lately

157
00:11:59,270 --> 00:12:03,970
returned from Paris, and of the duel
which precipitated my sudden departure

158
00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,510
that city of a thousand romances.

159
00:12:05,770 --> 00:12:10,250
But now, as I approached the sinister
residence in which I was to fulfill the

160
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,490
post of housekeeper, a nameless fear
gripped me.

161
00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:19,170
My heart began to thump so loudly within
my bosom that I was sure someone must

162
00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,170
hear it.

163
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,880
My fears were confirmed.

164
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:53,540
Welcome to Doomsday Hall, my dear.

165
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:59,260
You are to do calculus from now on, eh?
What a strange chick of a girl you are.

166
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,440
Come closer, come closer. I won't eat
you.

167
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:02,840
I'm a vegetarian.

168
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,700
He'll eat you.

169
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:08,500
He's not particular what he eats. Are
you, Kehoe?

170
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:09,920
No, sir.

171
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,000
Keel is his real name. He's of German
extraction.

172
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,840
But I think Keyhole's a rather good name
for a butler, don't you?

173
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,100
Ha, ha, ha!

174
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,480
Laugh, Keyhole!

175
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,200
Ha, ha, ha!

176
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,160
And we shall see you in the morning
then, my dear, provided you are spared.

177
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,740
I trust you have a peaceful and
uneventful night.

178
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,900
Keyhole, you know where Miss Beckett's
quarters are.

179
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:37,660
Ha, ha, ha! Don't laugh till you're
told. That wasn't a joke. Now show Miss

180
00:13:37,660 --> 00:13:38,680
Beckett your home.

181
00:13:38,980 --> 00:13:41,000
This way, madam.

182
00:13:52,650 --> 00:13:54,710
What a dark, gloomy room it was.

183
00:13:55,550 --> 00:13:58,870
I think I would have fled there and
then, had it not been for the presence

184
00:13:58,870 --> 00:13:59,870
the frightening keyhole.

185
00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:03,770
Will that be all, madam?

186
00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:08,910
Yes, thank you, keyhole. If you want
anything in the night, just cry out.

187
00:14:10,070 --> 00:14:12,190
My room is only next door.

188
00:14:12,630 --> 00:14:15,110
Oh, no. I wouldn't want to disturb your
sleep.

189
00:14:15,430 --> 00:14:16,570
Oh, I don't sleep.

190
00:14:17,150 --> 00:14:20,150
I lie awake all night, scheming.

191
00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:22,600
Pleasant dreams, madam.

192
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,560
Your midnight cocoa, madam.

193
00:14:44,660 --> 00:14:48,900
If I were you, I'd approach it with a
certain amount of caution.

194
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,120
Why? What's the matter? with it?

195
00:14:51,580 --> 00:14:52,840
It's bloody hot.

196
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,160
I knew then that this was no ordinary
house.

197
00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,700
There was some dark secret here that
they did not wish me to discover.

198
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,640
Why else would they want to watch me
undressing for bed?

199
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,460
It could only be to keep an eye on my
movements.

200
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,620
So it was Keyhole who'd been watching
me.

201
00:16:04,090 --> 00:16:06,150
He then obviously was up to no good.

202
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:10,390
Perhaps after all, I had misjudged his
master, Lord Doomsday.

203
00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:14,850
Although eccentric, he was in all
probability an innocent party in the

204
00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:23,150
Forgive me, my dear, I breakfasted
earlier.

205
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:27,730
I come to tell you that Kehoe and I are
going to the village on business.

206
00:16:28,410 --> 00:16:32,550
I'd be very much obliged if you would
stay in your room.

207
00:16:33,430 --> 00:16:34,810
Bring your coffee there, dear.

208
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,030
They were obviously lying.

209
00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:42,690
And why did they wish me to remain in my
room?

210
00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:45,370
What did they wish to conceal from me?

211
00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:51,830
This was more than I could bear.

212
00:16:52,310 --> 00:16:55,750
As soon as they'd gone, I resolved to
explore this evil house.

213
00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:37,350
I failed to bring the key, sir.

214
00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:39,770
You failed to bring the key.

215
00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:42,230
I failed to bring the key.

216
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,080
This was their guilty secret.

217
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,580
An illicit whiskey skill.

218
00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:17,400
If this were discovered by the police,
Lord Doomsday would face many years in

219
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,520
jail. I resolved to leave at once.

220
00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:23,280
By the time they returned, I would be
out of reach of their evil clutches.

221
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:28,580
Not so fast, my inquisitive beauty.

222
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:30,500
Too late.

223
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,660
I'd been caught red -handed by the...

224
00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:43,710
Need I describe to you, Ancestrina, my
feelings of terror as they laid me in

225
00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:45,130
coffin and nailed down the lid?

226
00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:47,730
Fetch the handguard. Yes, ma 'am.

227
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:52,410
We're taking you to the river, Miss
Beckett. Now, I don't know if this

228
00:19:52,410 --> 00:19:53,550
airtight or not.

229
00:19:53,850 --> 00:19:55,610
If it is, you'll propagate.

230
00:19:56,050 --> 00:19:58,910
If it's not, you'll drown.

231
00:20:00,370 --> 00:20:04,470
It was then that I did the only thing
that an English girl can do when she

232
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,010
herself at the mercy of evil doers.

233
00:20:06,730 --> 00:20:07,950
Pray and kick hard.

234
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,580
And very soon, my prayers were answered.

235
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,380
The poor, astonished clergyman soon
overcame his fear and released me from

236
00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:00,920
imprisonment, much to my relief.

237
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:05,160
And within the hour, I was sitting with
him in his vicarage, taking tea and

238
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,160
munching bread and honey.

239
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:12,060
He had already introduced me to his
cousin, a Mr Samuel D. Goldberg, a

240
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:16,240
to these shores from America, and his
friend and companion, Donald Fairchild,

241
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,400
Jr.

242
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:21,500
Mr Goldberg was engaged in making what
he called motion pictures.

243
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,100
I did not know it at the time.

244
00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:30,060
But I was about to embark upon perhaps
the most exciting episode in my long

245
00:21:30,060 --> 00:21:31,060
of adventures.

246
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,600
Resume the searching once again into the
upper, middle and lower classes with

247
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,440
regards to various aspects of modern
living in Britain.

248
00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:58,770
Tonight we have representatives of the
three classes in the studio to report on

249
00:21:58,770 --> 00:21:59,970
family life.

250
00:22:04,090 --> 00:22:07,730
I have three children, Jeremy, Alison
and Jay.

251
00:22:08,110 --> 00:22:10,390
My wife and I have been married for
eight years.

252
00:22:10,890 --> 00:22:13,510
I have two children, Derek and Doreen.

253
00:22:13,730 --> 00:22:16,030
My wife and I have been married for six
years.

254
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,350
I have eight children.

255
00:22:19,090 --> 00:22:22,690
Peter, Rita, Anita, Sandra, Dawn, Clint,
Rock and Elvis.

256
00:22:24,190 --> 00:22:25,790
My wife and I are not married.

257
00:22:28,570 --> 00:22:33,310
My wife is on several committees, runs
the local opera group and is secretary

258
00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:34,209
the Bridge Club.

259
00:22:34,210 --> 00:22:39,030
My wife is a member of the Mother's
Union, enjoys organising coffee mornings

260
00:22:39,030 --> 00:22:40,590
is a driver for Meals on Wheels.

261
00:22:41,370 --> 00:22:43,070
My wife is pregnant again.

262
00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:49,670
We give dinner parties two or three
times a week. This enables us to keep in

263
00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:51,310
touch with our wide circle of friends.

264
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,940
We give a wine and cheese do once a
month. This enables us to do it on the

265
00:22:55,940 --> 00:23:00,140
cheap. Her mother comes round Saturday
nights and drinks my Guinness.

266
00:23:01,260 --> 00:23:03,520
This enables her to get drunk for
nothing.

267
00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:09,400
We stopped having children when we
decided that we had the ideal -sized

268
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,860
unit. We stopped having children when
the school meals went up.

269
00:23:13,780 --> 00:23:16,800
We stopped having children when we found
out what was causing it.

270
00:23:19,020 --> 00:23:24,650
We employ... A housekeeper, a chauffeur,
a gardener and a cleaning woman. My

271
00:23:24,650 --> 00:23:28,130
wife has a woman who comes in three
times a week and a babysitter in the

272
00:23:28,130 --> 00:23:32,530
evenings. My wife has a babysitter, a
cook, someone to clean the house at the

273
00:23:32,530 --> 00:23:35,130
weekends and a washer up. And I'm
bleeding exhausted.

274
00:23:39,610 --> 00:23:42,510
Three family units, each of a different
class.

275
00:23:42,850 --> 00:23:45,670
But are our opinions of marriage really
so different?

276
00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:50,460
I get the feeling that marriage only
works provided it strengthens the

277
00:23:50,460 --> 00:23:51,460
of the individual.

278
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,340
My trouble is I get the feeling that
marriage tends to tie me down.

279
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,560
My trouble is I get the feeling too
often.

280
00:24:22,030 --> 00:24:25,890
I was alone. I took a ride. I didn't
know what I would find.

281
00:24:27,910 --> 00:24:32,870
Another road where maybe I could see
another kind of mind.

282
00:24:51,620 --> 00:24:55,040
Didn't run, didn't lie, you knew I
wanted just a hold

283
00:25:43,050 --> 00:25:45,770
If I'm true, I'll never leave, and if I
do, I'll...

284
00:27:27,050 --> 00:27:28,090
to my wife this morning.

285
00:27:28,610 --> 00:27:29,810
I was, honestly.

286
00:27:30,850 --> 00:27:32,930
No, fame hasn't changed me a bit, you
know.

287
00:27:33,930 --> 00:27:36,630
Still unspoiled, modest, generous to a
fault.

288
00:27:37,050 --> 00:27:38,850
God, the autographs I've given that
woman.

289
00:27:39,330 --> 00:27:40,330
Anyway.

290
00:27:41,790 --> 00:27:44,550
I like, you know, I like you to believe
that, you know, because it makes things

291
00:27:44,550 --> 00:27:48,610
so much easier later on. Anyway, a young
lady is walking along, walking along.

292
00:27:49,470 --> 00:27:53,630
I'm laughing, won't you join me? A young
lady is walking along a country lane

293
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:55,430
and she's held up by a bandit.

294
00:27:55,850 --> 00:27:59,010
And she says, I haven't got any money on
me. And the bandit says, keep still,

295
00:27:59,090 --> 00:28:00,090
I'm going to search you.

296
00:28:00,270 --> 00:28:02,850
After a couple of minutes, she says,
don't stop now, I'll write you a cheque.

297
00:28:05,270 --> 00:28:08,850
Actually, I started in this business,
you know, telling jokes in a nightclub.

298
00:28:09,230 --> 00:28:10,430
Quite a nice sort of place.

299
00:28:10,650 --> 00:28:11,990
It wasn't the talk of the town.

300
00:28:12,570 --> 00:28:14,430
As a matter of fact, it was hardly
mentioned in the country.

301
00:28:15,430 --> 00:28:18,850
It was a sort of cheaper version of the
silver dollar, called the wooden

302
00:28:18,850 --> 00:28:19,850
halfpenny.

303
00:28:20,330 --> 00:28:22,950
And I used to be the top of the bill,
you know, the last on.

304
00:28:25,850 --> 00:28:29,670
were so bad that during my act the crowd
would still be booing them.

305
00:28:32,090 --> 00:28:38,230
Now this club this club was situated
right opposite the cemetery and we used

306
00:28:38,230 --> 00:28:40,670
rely rather a lot on the late night
funeral trade.

307
00:28:42,690 --> 00:28:47,190
Although you see it hadn't always been a
nightclub I mean it used to be a public

308
00:28:47,190 --> 00:28:51,710
convenience and a lot of people came
down there because they didn't know it

309
00:28:51,710 --> 00:28:52,710
changed hands.

310
00:28:53,910 --> 00:28:57,440
Anyway the manager's wife The manager's
wife, she used to sing in the cabaret.

311
00:28:57,880 --> 00:28:58,880
Not a pretty sight.

312
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:05,880
For an encore, she used to strip right
down to her hearing aid.

313
00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:11,060
Anyway, she was so ugly, she was so
ugly. I mean, he told me, quite frankly

314
00:29:11,060 --> 00:29:14,120
confidentially one night, he told me
that, you know, he once had taken her to

315
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:18,180
Madame Tussauds and while they were in
the Chamber of Horrors, an attendant had

316
00:29:18,180 --> 00:29:20,940
crept up to her and whispered in his ear
and said, would you mind keeping your

317
00:29:20,940 --> 00:29:22,360
wife moving because we're stock -taking.

318
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:31,500
I recall that one of the low spots of
the evening was the resident

319
00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:36,280
ventriloquist. Now, he never quite made
it, partly because he couldn't afford a

320
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:37,280
dummy.

321
00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:40,360
Eventually, he had a great idea.

322
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:45,260
He gave up show business and became a
phony medium, you see. Now, his clients

323
00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:49,220
weren't really talking to the departed,
you know. I mean, the voices they heard

324
00:29:49,220 --> 00:29:52,860
were him doing his sort of ventriloquial
bit, you see, throwing his voice. And

325
00:29:52,860 --> 00:29:54,040
the story goes...

326
00:29:55,000 --> 00:30:01,720
I wish it would. The story goes that one
day, a

327
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,100
lady came to him.

328
00:30:03,740 --> 00:30:09,020
I thought his luck had changed. A lady
came to him, and she wanted to talk to

329
00:30:09,020 --> 00:30:12,740
her dear departed husband. He said,
certainly, he said. So he let her talk

330
00:30:12,740 --> 00:30:15,620
her dear departed husband, and he
charged her five guineas. She said to

331
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,880
now, money is no object to me, she said.
And she sort of did that with her head

332
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:20,880
and her hands.

333
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,120
She had that curious way.

334
00:30:24,410 --> 00:30:25,850
Money is no object.

335
00:30:26,190 --> 00:30:27,970
She said, money is no object.

336
00:30:28,190 --> 00:30:32,410
She said, for a little bit more, for a
little bit more, he wondered what she

337
00:30:32,410 --> 00:30:35,550
going to say. He said, for a little bit
more, could you make my husband

338
00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:39,230
materialize? Oh, he said, no, I can't do
that. He said, no, he said, I can't do

339
00:30:39,230 --> 00:30:42,650
that. Couldn't possibly do that. He
said, but I tell you what, for another

340
00:30:42,650 --> 00:30:45,910
bob, he could talk to you while I'm
drinking a glass of water.

341
00:31:18,020 --> 00:31:20,660
Thank you.

342
00:32:33,100 --> 00:32:34,320
Oh, my dad.

343
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:30,780
I'll pull it down.

344
00:33:39,460 --> 00:33:40,460
What?

345
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,140
I think I... Hello.

346
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:37,400
No!

347
00:35:37,740 --> 00:35:38,740
No!

348
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:41,360
No!

349
00:36:05,850 --> 00:36:09,810
But the essential flavor has been
retained by using only traditional

350
00:36:09,810 --> 00:36:15,570
airs. Here, then, is a preview of the
BBC's latest venture, entitled

351
00:36:15,870 --> 00:36:16,870
Aha.

352
00:36:24,770 --> 00:36:29,230
My Lord Chancellor, where is the keeper
of the Privy Chamber?

353
00:36:29,630 --> 00:36:30,710
I'm here, Your Majesty.

354
00:36:31,210 --> 00:36:32,910
Oh, get the lock fixed, would you, dear?

355
00:36:34,370 --> 00:36:37,470
I just met three old... ladies coming
out said they've been in there since

356
00:36:37,470 --> 00:36:40,030
Saturday. However, are we all here?

357
00:36:40,290 --> 00:36:42,570
We are, Your Majesty. Good. Then we can
start.

358
00:36:47,030 --> 00:36:53,530
In good King Charles's golden days when
morals were appalling, His Majesty was

359
00:36:53,530 --> 00:36:56,450
always in when Nelwyn came a -calling.

360
00:36:56,750 --> 00:37:01,430
She plied him with her oranges, was
known throughout the land, boys.

361
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:07,480
So full was he of vitamin C that he
could hardly stand boys.

362
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:17,500
But now those bad old days are gone and
I am on the throne, sirs. A virgin queen

363
00:37:17,500 --> 00:37:18,500
I shall remain.

364
00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:24,400
I mean to hold my own, sirs. I have a
big poor post -star bed no man has dared

365
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:29,240
to leave in. And won't be a tithe a twit
who tries to creep in while I'm

366
00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:30,240
sleeping.

367
00:37:35,660 --> 00:37:38,380
be a chance, this chap, the Elizabeth
the First, I am.

368
00:37:38,660 --> 00:37:41,840
Well, gentlemen, what did you think of
that?

369
00:37:44,340 --> 00:37:44,820
Is

370
00:37:44,820 --> 00:37:52,440
someone

371
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:53,760
trying to tell me something?

372
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:57,680
Sir Francis Drake wishes to see Your
Majesty.

373
00:37:57,980 --> 00:38:00,980
Oh, of course. I thought I recognized
him. He is without.

374
00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:03,880
I beg your pardon? He is without.

375
00:38:04,230 --> 00:38:05,230
Yes, he would be, yeah.

376
00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,390
Have him within at once.

377
00:38:12,630 --> 00:38:13,488
Good evening.

378
00:38:13,490 --> 00:38:14,408
Good evening.

379
00:38:14,410 --> 00:38:15,410
Good evening, all.

380
00:38:15,890 --> 00:38:16,749
Good evening.

381
00:38:16,750 --> 00:38:19,190
Thank you very much, thank you. Thank
you, thank you, thank you. That's

382
00:38:19,290 --> 00:38:20,189
good evening, all.

383
00:38:20,190 --> 00:38:21,690
Frivolous branches at your service.

384
00:38:22,250 --> 00:38:26,110
Frivolous, frivolous branches, Drake, in
the flesh, not a hand puppet.

385
00:38:26,570 --> 00:38:29,910
Well, what a joke, what a, what a... I
know, you've got to laugh at the right

386
00:38:29,910 --> 00:38:32,830
time, I know, it's all pleased. Now,
there we are. Oh, what a journey I've

387
00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:36,140
Traffic round the Isle of Wight,
something terrible, honestly. Boatsprit

388
00:38:36,140 --> 00:38:40,600
brosprit. Then finally some silly seaman
backs into me and knocks me figurehead

389
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:41,299
right off.

390
00:38:41,300 --> 00:38:43,120
Honestly, it'd be easy to come by boat,
really.

391
00:38:44,300 --> 00:38:48,380
Your Majesty, Sir Francis Drake. Oh, the
nights are getting shorter.

392
00:38:50,540 --> 00:38:54,180
I was just explaining to the good people
why I'm late. Yes, I heard.

393
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,680
Couldn't you persuade your sailors to go
the other way?

394
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:58,740
They don't need much persuading, my
dear.

395
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,040
Now, as a matter of fact, it's a treat
to come back to normality. Yes, in a

396
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:03,859
manner of speaking.

397
00:39:03,860 --> 00:39:06,120
Yes, and what are your sailors doing
now?

398
00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:07,720
They're camping on Plymouth Hill.

399
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,340
Hill? What hill? Oh, plenty of that as
well, yes.

400
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,860
But there's no good enough standing here
discussing the crew, my dear. I've come

401
00:39:14,860 --> 00:39:16,380
to woo. Come to woo?

402
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:17,840
To woo who?

403
00:39:18,060 --> 00:39:19,060
To woo you.

404
00:39:19,340 --> 00:39:20,360
Oh, you do?

405
00:39:20,660 --> 00:39:21,538
You do.

406
00:39:21,540 --> 00:39:25,560
So why don't we stop playing trains and
tell the good people all about you? Oh,

407
00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:26,880
there my blood is due.

408
00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,230
I can't believe my luck.

409
00:39:53,470 --> 00:39:55,350
On you I'm really stuck.

410
00:39:55,650 --> 00:39:59,330
If you will take me as your drink, I'll
make you Mrs.

411
00:39:59,570 --> 00:40:00,570
Duck.

412
00:40:04,300 --> 00:40:07,920
Thank you very much. Yes, all very well,
Sir Francis. But while you've been

413
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,520
away, the Earl of Essex has been seeing
a great deal of me. That wouldn't be

414
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:12,520
difficult.

415
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,340
The Earl of Essex? You don't mean you
let him... Oh, certainly not. You know

416
00:40:16,340 --> 00:40:18,300
very well I don't believe in Essex
before marriage.

417
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,020
When I saw him talking to you earlier, I
didn't like the way he made certain

418
00:40:22,020 --> 00:40:24,040
remarks touching your chastity.

419
00:40:24,260 --> 00:40:24,919
Did he?

420
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:28,360
I never noticed. You can't tell in these
farthingales, you know. Oh, Majesty.

421
00:40:39,980 --> 00:40:43,700
Not that little man with the bicycle
again, is it? Oh, dear. He's so

422
00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:45,660
you know. The bedroom's full of onions.

423
00:40:47,060 --> 00:40:50,280
No, it is the Armada. The Spanish ships
are approaching England.

424
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:51,820
Oh. Then I must depart.

425
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:56,580
Yes. I shall set sail for Plymouth. But
never fear. When England once more is

426
00:40:56,580 --> 00:41:01,200
safe, when the grim shadow of war has
departed, I shall return.

427
00:41:01,700 --> 00:41:03,140
Good. I'll leave your supper in the
oven.

428
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:05,080
Goodbye, Lizby.

429
00:41:05,660 --> 00:41:06,660
Until then.

430
00:41:08,720 --> 00:41:09,720
So...

431
00:41:10,570 --> 00:41:14,970
to fight the foe, the beat that you
assign me. And I'll stay at home and sit

432
00:41:14,970 --> 00:41:18,430
upon the throne so you'll always know
where to find me. The more life they

433
00:41:18,530 --> 00:41:22,770
they cannot break the chains of love
that bind me. As I sink in the drink, I

434
00:41:22,770 --> 00:41:25,570
shall always think of that hefty girl
behind me.

435
00:41:25,790 --> 00:41:29,450
Rule Britannia! It's time for our
goodbyes.

436
00:41:29,690 --> 00:41:33,130
Next week, Henry IV, part one, on ice.

437
00:41:33,490 --> 00:41:36,950
Rule Britannia! It's time to say
chapter...

438
00:42:02,670 --> 00:42:03,408
That's all for tonight.

439
00:42:03,410 --> 00:42:07,470
Next week we shall be discussing the
Middle East crisis and revealing the

440
00:42:07,470 --> 00:42:10,690
recently announced term for taking in
the Israeli borders.

441
00:42:11,290 --> 00:42:13,890
37 and 6 a night, bed, bagels and an
evening meal.

442
00:42:15,510 --> 00:42:19,670
In our theory of science today, I shall
be looking at Archimedes' principle and

443
00:42:19,670 --> 00:42:20,670
he'll be looking at mine.

444
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:30,760
We shall be talking to Mr Anthony
Wedgwood -Benn about his proposal to

445
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:34,980
trade union special programmes on TV,
and we shall be showing excerpts,

446
00:42:34,980 --> 00:42:36,860
including old Time and a Half musical.

447
00:42:37,380 --> 00:42:41,280
Oh, brothers, it's a lockout, and I'm
all right Jackanory.

448
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:47,220
And we end with a warning. Reports are
just coming in of an elephant that has

449
00:42:47,220 --> 00:42:48,300
done a tonne on the M1.

450
00:42:56,330 --> 00:42:58,730
Drive carefully and treat it as a
roundabout.

451
00:43:02,850 --> 00:43:05,950
Now it's goodnight from me.

452
00:43:06,150 --> 00:43:08,070
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

453
00:43:08,450 --> 00:43:09,450
Goodnight.