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00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,580
Good evening. Good evening. It's very
nice to be with you again, isn't it,

2
00:00:28,580 --> 00:00:29,580
Ronnie? Lovely, lovely.

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00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,800
We've got some very interesting people
on the show tonight. We've got Chas

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00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,000
Chase, The New World, Tina Charles.

5
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:39,040
We had hoped to have a team of Eskimo
dancers on the show, but at the last

6
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,040
moment they got cold feet.

7
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:48,000
We'll be interviewing the only remaining
handsome cab driver in London and

8
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,920
asking, why are all the others so ugly?

9
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,520
And we should be speaking to a man who's
lived for 60 years on nothing but

10
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,520
carrots and oysters.

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00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:59,080
The carrots give him the ability to see
in the dark, and the oysters give him

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00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,080
the ability.

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00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:08,300
We must apologize for a fault in today's
farming program, Compost for Beginners.

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00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:13,220
Vision and sound both failed, and the
program continued in smell only.

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00:01:14,780 --> 00:01:16,660
And now, some news of programme changes.

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00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,460
Due to the party political broadcast,
last week's edition of This Week will be

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00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:23,620
repeated tonight, replacing tonight's
edition of Today, which was shown

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00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:24,620
yesterday.

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00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:27,780
This means that tonight, Tomorrow's
World will be shown in place of all our

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00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:30,960
yesterdays, the nine o 'clock news will
be at a quarter past eleven, and the

21
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,620
midnight movie High Noon is replaced by
Breakfast at Tiffany's.

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00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:38,200
And the morning story will be read by
Robin Day later in the afternoon, just

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00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,200
after a book at bedtime.

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00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:43,360
If any of you find this at all
confusing, please write to the BBC and

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00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,600
forward an informative pamphlet entitled
How to Knit.

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00:01:47,020 --> 00:01:53,060
Thieves broke into the National Fish
Museum today and stole 17 stuffed trout

27
00:01:53,060 --> 00:01:53,798
a chub.

28
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,900
Police arrested a man four foot two tall
but threw him back as he was too small.

29
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:04,360
A man who got away was said to be 23
feet tall and weighing 726 pounds.

30
00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:09,240
Now it's time once again to consider the
state of the party.

31
00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:28,120
It's a very nice party.

32
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,440
Oh, thank you, Robert.

33
00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:34,640
I wonder if I might use your bathroom.

34
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Yes, certainly.

35
00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:39,610
It's up the stairs, first on the right
and the last on the left. Thank you very

36
00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,790
much. I say, it's a funny time to be
having a bath, isn't it?

37
00:02:42,650 --> 00:02:43,650
Wouldn't you prefer a drink?

38
00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:47,770
No, I'm not going to have a bath. Oh, I
see. Well, there's nothing else much you

39
00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:49,770
can do in there. There's just a bath in
there, you know.

40
00:02:50,850 --> 00:02:51,789
Just a bath?

41
00:02:51,790 --> 00:02:52,790
Yes.

42
00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:56,910
No, um, no other things?

43
00:02:57,530 --> 00:02:58,530
No.

44
00:02:59,070 --> 00:03:00,070
Oh.

45
00:03:00,550 --> 00:03:04,470
Only I, you know, I rather wanted to,
you know...

46
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,630
See a man about a dog.

47
00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:10,490
Well, old Griffith over there, he's a
vet.

48
00:03:13,030 --> 00:03:14,890
No, not a real dog. Oh, I see.

49
00:03:15,490 --> 00:03:21,950
No, I just wanted to sort of, you know,
wash my hands and generally,

50
00:03:22,210 --> 00:03:23,210
you know, go upstairs.

51
00:03:23,690 --> 00:03:26,190
Oh, well, there's no need to go
upstairs. You can wash them in the

52
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:29,670
No, I hardly think that would be right,
surely.

53
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,770
No, I wanted to use the smallest room.

54
00:03:35,270 --> 00:03:39,190
Yes, well, that would be Camilla's
bedroom, but she's asleep at the moment.

55
00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:42,070
There is a little brush cupboard under
the stairs, if you like.

56
00:03:44,050 --> 00:03:49,110
No, you don't seem to understand what I
mean. If I said I wanted to inspect the

57
00:03:49,110 --> 00:03:51,310
plumbing, would you understand what I
mean?

58
00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:53,470
Yes. Well, that's what I want to do.

59
00:03:54,090 --> 00:03:56,470
I want to inspect the plumbing.

60
00:03:56,750 --> 00:03:57,970
But you'd get filthy, Elder.

61
00:03:59,770 --> 00:04:02,210
No, you don't. I'm going to be
absolutely frank with you.

62
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,640
I want to do ones.

63
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:16,720
Ones?

64
00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:19,820
Yes, ones.

65
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:22,600
Ones what?

66
00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:26,020
What do you mean, ones what?

67
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:28,800
Ones ones.

68
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,000
Ones number ones.

69
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,160
I want to do number ones.

70
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,180
I want to be excused. I want to spend a
penny.

71
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,180
I want to go to the lavatory.

72
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:44,140
Yes, I want to go to the lavatory.

73
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:47,800
Well, why didn't you say so?

74
00:04:48,540 --> 00:04:52,400
Julia, Robert wants to go and sit on the
doughnut in Granny's greenhouse.

75
00:05:03,950 --> 00:05:09,890
The honey wind blows and the warm days

76
00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:11,210
dwindle.

77
00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:18,430
The butterfly spins a silk cocoon on a
silvery

78
00:05:18,430 --> 00:05:19,430
spindle.

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00:05:20,870 --> 00:05:27,490
The petals fall from the last day.

80
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:46,320
The petals fall and the summer goes.

81
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:54,140
The summer goes and the honey wind

82
00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:55,140
blows.

83
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:09,400
And now let's sing it.

84
00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:16,740
But the world and I have grown just that
little bit old. I sit alone

85
00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:21,720
and the summer goes.

86
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,320
And the honeymoon blows.

87
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:38,220
The honeymoon blows and the days...

88
00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:47,200
and somehow the world and i have grown
just a little bit

89
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:59,340
Only this morning we had a very big
argument with the kiddies about staying

90
00:07:59,340 --> 00:08:00,340
late to watch Daddy.

91
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,360
They wanted to go to bed.

92
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:10,480
I know my wife will be watching, you
know, if only to check on where I get to

93
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,480
Saturday nights.

94
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:16,180
I don't know why they lock these pianos,
you know.

95
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,560
Something about ivory poachers.

96
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,400
Oh, here's the key under the mat.

97
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,240
Open it up.

98
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,419
Goodness me.

99
00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:30,360
By the look of these keys, the elephant
must have smoked himself to death.

100
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,679
I... Oh, dear.

101
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:39,740
Oh, the sound can't get out.

102
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:42,820
It needs

103
00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:49,820
a tune as well.

104
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,220
That was supposed to be tea for two.

105
00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:56,660
Actually, why I wanted the piano here
tonight was not so much to play it,

106
00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:01,140
although a quick arpeggio would never
hurt anyone, but have you ever thought

107
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:05,020
that if Logie Baird hadn't invented
television, we could all be out enjoying

108
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,020
ourselves?

109
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,140
I could actually be sitting here all
night, you know. I may have to. I've got

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00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:11,240
one foot caught under the pedals.

111
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:19,320
I was going to relate an incident years
ago when I played the piano in a public

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00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,740
house. I did, honestly, you know.

113
00:09:21,050 --> 00:09:23,810
It's incredible, really, isn't it, when
you see me sitting here in a Harley

114
00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:25,190
Street sweater and alligator socks.

115
00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:28,850
And it's not easy getting the socks off
an alligator.

116
00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:33,870
Yes, I used to play the piano in a pub,
you know, just sort of background music.

117
00:09:40,050 --> 00:09:43,790
I used to get 30 bob off the public and
just sit at the piano for a couple of

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hours, or two quid off the customers to
sit somewhere else.

119
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Not much money by today's standards.

120
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,880
Wasn't a hell of a lot then, either.

121
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But they were hard times, very hard
times. You know, I used to lie awake at

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night, making plans to ambush meals on
wheels.

123
00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:05,220
I remember I broke my glasses.

124
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,880
Broke the glasses, the lens was
completely smashed, and I couldn't

125
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,540
replace it, so I had it boarded up.

126
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,680
I was two years squinting through a knot
hole.

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00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,950
Now, you've got to believe... You've got
to believe all this, or what is coming

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00:10:20,950 --> 00:10:21,950
will seem ridiculous.

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00:10:22,730 --> 00:10:27,550
So anyway, this particular night, just
before closing time, it was a Saturday,

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and all the customers were singing away.

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00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:31,810
They were singing Verdi's Requiem Mass.

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00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:34,910
That's how I remember it was a Saturday.

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00:10:35,550 --> 00:10:37,270
God, they were a wild bunch.

134
00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:39,110
And I was playing.

135
00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:50,280
And suddenly, This man shouted out, that
piano playing is terrible, he said.

136
00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:52,700
I've got an old cat at home that can
play better than that.

137
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Well, it all went quiet.

138
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:56,580
Not as quiet as this.

139
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But quiet.

140
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:04,540
And my mother, my mother, who had been
sitting quietly in the corner, taking

141
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:05,540
back off a fruit machine,

142
00:11:05,780 --> 00:11:13,220
jumped

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00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:14,220
to her foot.

144
00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:19,920
Did I tell you she had a wooden leg?

145
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:22,500
Jumped to her foot.

146
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,960
I knew it was her. I knew it was her. I
could see her through the knot hole.

147
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,760
She said, sir, what's your name?

148
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,320
McHugh, said he.

149
00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:32,560
McHugh. He was Irish by extraction.

150
00:11:33,940 --> 00:11:35,420
He once had a tooth out in Dublin.

151
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:39,140
He said, sir, are you out of your mind
or have you been drinking the bitter?

152
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:43,060
He said, I'll show you. So he goes out
and he comes back with this old moggy

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00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:46,560
cat. The cat jumps on the piano stool
and the man puts a piece of music on the

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00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,860
stand. And he said to the public, now
this is a little bit he wrote himself,

155
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:50,960
just listen to this.

156
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,020
And the cat sat there and started to
play.

157
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:56,600
Now, it wasn't a brilliant pianist, I'm
not going to pretend it was for a

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00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:57,600
minute.

159
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,280
Quite a nice touch, but couldn't quite
reach the pedal to the back.

160
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:08,240
Anyway, finished the piece, finished the
piece, and the publican said, do you

161
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,700
mean to tell me that old cat wrote that
music? He said, that's marvellous, he

162
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:14,700
said. Why don't you get it orchestrated?

163
00:12:15,130 --> 00:12:17,470
Well, the cat jumped off that stool and
was out of the door.

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00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:51,980
You may recall, dear patient reader, how
in the previous chapter I related my

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00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,440
adventures in the Crimean War.

166
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:59,420
After the garrison had been evacuated, I
had attempted to return to England,

167
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:05,920
but, sad to say, had not sufficient
money to complete my journey and had

168
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,400
in Paris penniless.

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00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:13,580
But fate was once again to place its
gentle finger upon me in the person of a

170
00:13:13,580 --> 00:13:14,580
well -known painter.

171
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:16,200
one to lose Lautrec.

172
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:19,940
Bonjour, mademoiselle.

173
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,200
Good day, sir.

174
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:22,260
May I join you?

175
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,800
Oh, I would indeed be honored.

176
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,400
Wonderful. Thank you very much. You're
very kind.

177
00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:28,480
Pierre, some coffee, please.

178
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:29,760
Oui, monsieur.

179
00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:37,940
Angelique.

180
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,080
Even you have your uses.

181
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:49,020
Are you not Monsieur Lautrec?

182
00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:52,580
I trust you do not object to my
forwardness?

183
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,120
No, I am just looking at it. It is very
beautiful, my dear.

184
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,140
I am indeed, as you say, Toulouse
-Lautrec.

185
00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:04,540
And you very well might be the girl I've
been searching for for all these years.

186
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:12,100
I wonder, my dear, if you could lend me
a hundred francs. Only I appear to be

187
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,100
rather short.

188
00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:13,919
This week.

189
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,800
You appear to be rather short every
week.

190
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:19,660
You haven't paid the rent for three
months.

191
00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:21,120
Rent? For that?

192
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,680
Oh!

193
00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:42,220
Ballon!

194
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,480
I did not understand the language.

195
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:53,900
But the argument soon blew over, and
Monsieur Lautrec began again to persuade

196
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:54,900
to model for him.

197
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,900
And thus it was that an hour later, I
found myself accompanying him to his

198
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:04,920
studio above the café.

199
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:17,650
Monsieur Lautrec.

200
00:15:17,930 --> 00:15:19,790
Ah, let me... What's happened to your
beard?

201
00:15:20,090 --> 00:15:21,090
I've taken it off.

202
00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:23,110
Entwistle British intelligence.

203
00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:27,170
Not a word, my dear. We might be
overheard. Sufficient to say that I'm

204
00:15:27,170 --> 00:15:31,570
for some secret papers, and I have every
reason to believe that Pierre, the cafe

205
00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:32,590
proprietor, has them.

206
00:15:33,150 --> 00:15:34,150
Yes, indeed.

207
00:15:34,170 --> 00:15:38,010
Now, I'm looking for a British girl,
preferably British, who can pose as my

208
00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:39,090
model. Do you understand?

209
00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:42,150
And share with me my dirty, mucky
secret.

210
00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:43,530
Oh, what secret?

211
00:15:43,830 --> 00:15:45,430
The fact that I can't paint for toffee.

212
00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:49,370
How do you manage to keep up the
pretence of being a great painter? Well,

213
00:15:49,370 --> 00:15:52,310
rather a clever device, my dear, thought
up by British intelligence. The

214
00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:56,810
paintings are drawn out back at HQ, and
I fill in the colours according to a

215
00:15:56,810 --> 00:15:59,350
code. Each colour has a number.

216
00:16:00,310 --> 00:16:01,310
I'm sorry.

217
00:16:02,290 --> 00:16:05,650
Quick. He mustn't see you with your
clothes on, dear. It'll look suspicious.

218
00:16:05,910 --> 00:16:07,290
Take them off. But there isn't time.

219
00:16:07,650 --> 00:16:08,730
Go behind the screen, my dear.

220
00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:11,490
Good day, Christopher.

221
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:13,030
Come in, monsieur.

222
00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:14,370
Come in. Don't forget your beard.

223
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:27,610
Well, uh... Oh, oh, there you are,

224
00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:29,290
monsieur. Are you just going out?

225
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:33,710
No, I've just come back in. Oh, I've
brought some supper for your little girl

226
00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:34,710
also.

227
00:16:34,970 --> 00:16:36,510
Where, where is she?

228
00:16:36,770 --> 00:16:38,850
As a matter of fact, she's undressing
behind the screen.

229
00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:40,930
Oh, mademoiselle, supper is here.

230
00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:43,990
Make haste, or your noodles will get
cold.

231
00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:45,230
Yes,

232
00:16:45,510 --> 00:16:47,190
yes, I insist you leave us alone.

233
00:16:47,470 --> 00:16:50,030
Oh, very well, monsieur. I will leave
you with your little bedmate.

234
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,660
She is not my bedmate, Pierre.

235
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,880
She will have to be. There is only one
bed. So I sleep on the floor.

236
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:59,240
I myself would find that very hard.

237
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,180
Oh, I could sleep on a clothesline.

238
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,280
Oh, that's a good idea. You could hang
yourself up on your little hook.

239
00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:10,200
And so began my new career as a model
for British intelligence.

240
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:13,859
It seemed to be one long round of
dressing and undressing.

241
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:18,359
It was hard work, but it certainly
achieved results.

242
00:17:19,589 --> 00:17:23,010
After three weeks, Mr. Entwistle's
technique had improved enormously.

243
00:17:25,490 --> 00:17:30,490
But Pierre had begun to press his
intentions upon me, especially when Mr.

244
00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:31,750
Entwistle was not present.

245
00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:37,810
And on one occasion, completely
overstepped the bounds of gentlemanly

246
00:17:53,830 --> 00:17:55,790
This was too much for Mr. Entwistle.

247
00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:57,490
His honour was at stake.

248
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:18,770
The duel was arranged for the following
morning at eight o 'clock.

249
00:18:57,419 --> 00:19:00,720
... ... ... ...

250
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,120
so so

251
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,960
That was the last I was to see of Mr.
Entwittle.

252
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:32,580
The old gentleman recovered from his
blow on the head, and he drove me back

253
00:20:32,580 --> 00:20:33,580
his country house.

254
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:38,320
He suggested that I stay for a bit, but
I declined.

255
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,520
I had already resolved to set my sights
once more on dear old England.

256
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:50,600
And so, the kind gentleman dispatched me
forthwith to Dover, with an

257
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,280
introduction to a wealthy friend of his.

258
00:20:52,970 --> 00:20:54,470
who was in need of a housekeeper.

259
00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:56,850
What

260
00:20:56,850 --> 00:21:09,270
a

261
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:13,910
feeling of dread suddenly overcame me.

262
00:21:15,030 --> 00:21:17,450
What sort of house had I come to?

263
00:21:49,719 --> 00:21:53,700
Welcome to Doomsday Call.

264
00:22:27,250 --> 00:22:34,130
You've been running, you've been
rambling, and you don't know what to do.

265
00:22:34,590 --> 00:22:38,170
A holy way to stand.

266
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,400
It's this, uh, it's this blessed pain in
my leg here, you see.

267
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:38,120
I've been getting these, uh, terrible
throbbing pains just from being here

268
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:41,100
this. I mean, I was all right on a
Saturday night, but I did a bit of

269
00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:44,040
the Sunday, and I just can't walk about
at all now, you see. No, no, well, I've,

270
00:25:44,100 --> 00:25:47,140
I've discovered to see you. Oh, I know,
and I appreciate it. I do appreciate it.

271
00:25:47,860 --> 00:25:50,740
Especially, uh, especially with all this
flu going about at the moment. You must

272
00:25:50,740 --> 00:25:51,459
be awfully busy.

273
00:25:51,460 --> 00:25:53,360
No, no, I've come to see you about my
arm.

274
00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:54,700
Oh, did you? Yes.

275
00:25:54,980 --> 00:25:56,380
Oh, I see. You came to see me.

276
00:25:56,620 --> 00:25:57,620
Yes. About your arm.

277
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,020
Yes. Oh, I see. Oh, yes. Well, uh...

278
00:26:02,890 --> 00:26:03,890
Why me?

279
00:26:04,150 --> 00:26:09,410
Well, because... I

280
00:26:09,410 --> 00:26:16,370
came to see

281
00:26:16,370 --> 00:26:17,990
you because you're a doctor.

282
00:26:19,230 --> 00:26:20,610
Oh, I'm the doctor? Yes.

283
00:26:20,810 --> 00:26:22,450
Oh, I see, I'm the doctor.

284
00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:26,530
Oh, I'm the doctor, am I? Oh, I see, I
am the doctor.

285
00:26:26,750 --> 00:26:29,910
I am the doctor. Good morning, good
morning, doctor. Oh, yes, I see what you

286
00:26:29,910 --> 00:26:31,290
mean, yes. I must be the doctor.

287
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,300
Hello, doctor here. Yes, it sounds very
good. Yes.

288
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,120
Hello, nurse.

289
00:26:36,140 --> 00:26:37,780
Yes, doctor. Oh, yes, you're quite
right.

290
00:26:37,980 --> 00:26:39,360
Oh, yes.

291
00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:40,980
No question of it.

292
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:44,080
Now, which part of Spain did you want to
go to?

293
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,460
No, I've come to... The lower half of
Spain's awfully nice at this time of

294
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:50,780
A bit crowded, but I'll see what I can
do.

295
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:54,180
Nurse, would you bring in the
Torremolinos sunshine holiday brochures,

296
00:26:54,460 --> 00:26:55,460
You're a doctor.

297
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,060
Oh. Oh, we're not arranging people's
holiday bookings at the moment?

298
00:26:59,260 --> 00:27:02,990
No. Oh, I'm awfully sorry. No, we can't
accept any more holiday bookings just at

299
00:27:02,990 --> 00:27:03,629
the minute.

300
00:27:03,630 --> 00:27:06,790
No, I didn't come to see you about
holiday bookings. Ah, theatre bookings,

301
00:27:06,790 --> 00:27:10,110
it? I can help you there. No, no, no. I
come to see you about my arm, you see.

302
00:27:10,390 --> 00:27:12,390
I am a patient and you're a doctor.

303
00:27:12,610 --> 00:27:16,230
Oh, I'm the doctor. Oh, yes. I'll have
to write that down in large letters.

304
00:27:16,570 --> 00:27:19,690
Yes. D -O -C -K -T -E -R.

305
00:27:19,970 --> 00:27:22,750
Doctor. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes, I see now.
Yes, I've got it.

306
00:27:23,410 --> 00:27:25,210
Right. What can I do for you, Doctor?

307
00:27:26,430 --> 00:27:28,990
No, I'm not a doctor. Oh, you're not a
doctor.

308
00:27:29,310 --> 00:27:31,910
Oh, dear, we're wasting each other's
time here. I think I'll go then.

309
00:27:32,170 --> 00:27:34,110
No, no, I'm the chartered surveyor.

310
00:27:34,330 --> 00:27:36,850
Oh, you're the chartered surveyor. Oh,
now we're getting somewhere.

311
00:27:37,650 --> 00:27:41,890
Right. Right. And last week, last week I
broke my arm. Broke your arm, yes. It

312
00:27:41,890 --> 00:27:42,990
has been set in plaster.

313
00:27:43,190 --> 00:27:45,510
Set in plaster. But I think it's getting
worse. I think it's getting worse.

314
00:27:45,690 --> 00:27:49,130
Causing me more pain. Causing me more
pain. And I can't sleep at night. And

315
00:27:49,130 --> 00:27:50,890
can't sleep at night. What should I do?

316
00:27:53,410 --> 00:27:54,770
Well, I think you should see a doctor.

317
00:27:59,440 --> 00:27:59,879
a minute.

318
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:04,100
I'll be with you in a minute. I've got a
couple of... Where are we? Oh, how is

319
00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:04,979
it, Mr.

320
00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:07,860
Jenkinson? They're a bit tight, I think,
Doctor. Oh, are they? Right.

321
00:28:08,340 --> 00:28:11,240
I'll just... Just a minute. I've got
something else in here. I'll have a look

322
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:11,839
for you.

323
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:12,840
Oh, yes.

324
00:28:13,380 --> 00:28:14,420
Try a pair of these.

325
00:28:14,820 --> 00:28:15,840
Try a pair of those.

326
00:28:16,140 --> 00:28:18,420
I think they're a bit more expensive,
but they're awfully smart.

327
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:19,920
Thank you. Good night to you.

328
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,860
That's it. Now then, who's next?

329
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,860
Me. Oh, you, yes. Yes, yes. Well, what
can I do for you? Well, this arm is

330
00:28:25,860 --> 00:28:30,600
getting increasingly more painful. All
right, well, yes, come over here.

331
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:33,840
Just lie down on the couch, take off
your coat, and I'll have a look at your

332
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:34,840
trousers for you.

333
00:28:34,900 --> 00:28:35,739
That's it.

334
00:28:35,740 --> 00:28:40,580
A half a pound of jelly babies, please,
Doctor. Oh, I'm afraid we're out of

335
00:28:40,580 --> 00:28:43,200
jelly babies, Mrs. B. We've only got
mint humbugs at the minute.

336
00:28:43,500 --> 00:28:46,880
Oh, please. Fine, Doctor, I'll have
them. All right, I think you'll be

337
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:47,880
with those.

338
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:53,120
That'll be... That'll be... Oh, I've
made another pair there.

339
00:28:59,470 --> 00:29:02,510
That's a decent piece of paper. Put them
down there. That'll be £8 .50.

340
00:29:02,850 --> 00:29:06,490
£8 .50? Yes. Eight and a half quid, as
we used to say. There we go.

341
00:29:07,050 --> 00:29:08,050
Right.

342
00:29:08,590 --> 00:29:10,870
Thank you very much. Let's take a bit of
that on there.

343
00:29:11,270 --> 00:29:12,730
A wee bandage. There we go.

344
00:29:13,290 --> 00:29:15,170
I don't think you can go far wrong in
those.

345
00:29:15,650 --> 00:29:17,410
You'll have a go if you like. I mean,
you can try.

346
00:29:18,570 --> 00:29:19,590
Thank you very much.

347
00:29:20,270 --> 00:29:21,270
I'll just... Thank you.

348
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:24,160
Right. Oh, and I've got those for you.

349
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,980
There's about 24 there, so they should
last you through the winter.

350
00:29:27,180 --> 00:29:29,660
How many should I take, Doctor? Oh, no,
you don't take them. No, they're extra

351
00:29:29,660 --> 00:29:30,840
fly buttons. You never know, do you?

352
00:29:33,420 --> 00:29:34,420
Right.

353
00:29:34,580 --> 00:29:36,160
Mind your head on the way out, won't
you?

354
00:29:36,580 --> 00:29:41,020
Yes. Now, how's it getting on now? A
quarter of licorice, all sorts. A

355
00:29:41,020 --> 00:29:42,700
of licorice, all sorts. Certainly, Mrs.
B.

356
00:29:43,220 --> 00:29:44,980
I'll be glad to oblige you at any time.

357
00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:46,260
There we are.

358
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,400
That's it.

359
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:49,280
Oh, my goodness.

360
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:51,000
That's it. One for luck.

361
00:29:52,090 --> 00:29:55,130
Now then, I clearly haven't got any
smaller bags in this house.

362
00:29:57,510 --> 00:29:58,510
There we go.

363
00:29:59,690 --> 00:30:00,690
Lovely.

364
00:30:01,770 --> 00:30:03,210
How much, John?

365
00:30:04,310 --> 00:30:05,049
Pardon me?

366
00:30:05,050 --> 00:30:07,210
How much? Well, whatever you've got in
your hand.

367
00:30:08,390 --> 00:30:11,650
Can you read that all right? Goodbye.

368
00:30:12,030 --> 00:30:13,030
Goodbye, John.

369
00:30:13,150 --> 00:30:14,750
Mind your head in the warehouse, won't
you?

370
00:30:17,130 --> 00:30:17,929
That's it.

371
00:30:17,930 --> 00:30:19,690
Right, who's next? Oh, you over here.

372
00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:21,310
Come along, man. Look,

373
00:30:23,790 --> 00:30:27,070
I think we're both wasting each other's
time here. You think so? Yes, I haven't.

374
00:30:27,070 --> 00:30:30,310
I must be honest with you. I haven't
come to see you about my arm.

375
00:30:30,510 --> 00:30:31,610
Ah, now you're talking.

376
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:36,220
Pull up a Bentwood and sit down. Yes. I
want a new car.

377
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,300
Oh, that's more like it. Nurse, would
you come in, please?

378
00:30:39,540 --> 00:30:42,060
Was it the Alvis in the window you were
interested in? That's the one I am.

379
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,920
Would you show Mr. Thompson the Alvis in
the window, please, nurse? Yes, sir.

380
00:30:45,020 --> 00:30:45,959
Thank you.

381
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,420
Don't bother to mind your head on the
way out.

382
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:50,480
Oh, no, ladies, how are you getting on
in here?

383
00:34:53,659 --> 00:34:54,659
Good evening.

384
00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:59,900
Last month on this programme, we dealt
with the Reverend W .A. Spooner of New

385
00:34:59,900 --> 00:35:04,240
College, Oxford, initiator of the
Spoonerism, the man who once said to his

386
00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:09,180
congregation, now let us preel and neigh
and confess the dongs we have run.

387
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:15,460
The success of our profile on Spooner
has led to a new Western musical which

388
00:35:15,460 --> 00:35:16,780
closed last week in rehearsal.

389
00:35:17,060 --> 00:35:19,380
Here, then, is an excerpt from the show.

390
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:29,640
What a lovely lay it is.

391
00:35:30,500 --> 00:35:32,640
Oh, it does feel up to be good in the
morning.

392
00:35:33,380 --> 00:35:37,340
Where is my lovely wife? Millicent! She
surely can't be Bill instead.

393
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:38,640
Still in bed.

394
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:43,520
Oh, I forgot. She's gone to have her pig
whirled. Her wig furled. But she should

395
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:44,520
be back by now.

396
00:35:44,620 --> 00:35:45,620
Millicent!

397
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,160
Did you call, William?

398
00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:48,600
Ah, good milling, Mornicent.

399
00:35:50,020 --> 00:35:52,260
Happy Anning Wediversary, dear.

400
00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:56,470
Nuit d 'amour, number five. Oh, thank
you, William.

401
00:35:56,710 --> 00:35:58,250
I knew you needed a scent of bot.

402
00:35:59,710 --> 00:36:01,050
Of subtle event.

403
00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:04,050
Purple. Oh, yes, I did.

404
00:36:04,330 --> 00:36:06,250
And are you still taking me out tonight?

405
00:36:06,570 --> 00:36:07,570
Sweetly, my third.

406
00:36:08,730 --> 00:36:11,790
I want you to go away and put on your
hideous little pratt.

407
00:36:13,170 --> 00:36:18,230
I have reserved our usual nosy little
cook and ordered your favorite meal,

408
00:36:18,230 --> 00:36:19,730
pops and dotted speak.

409
00:36:23,340 --> 00:36:28,300
Ah, but if only our place was still
open. Ah. The restaurant you took me to

410
00:36:28,300 --> 00:36:29,300
day we met.

411
00:36:29,620 --> 00:36:30,820
Oh, William.

412
00:36:33,540 --> 00:36:39,660
I still remember that table for two
where close together we'd sit

413
00:36:39,660 --> 00:36:44,080
in that bohemian cafe we knew.

414
00:36:44,620 --> 00:36:46,860
Somewhere in Notting Hill, Git.

415
00:36:52,170 --> 00:36:54,790
It was delectable mock -suit -le -ter.

416
00:36:55,570 --> 00:36:57,730
Rooms were my favorite course.

417
00:36:58,590 --> 00:37:02,430
Mine was roast horse and beef radish
sauce.

418
00:37:03,290 --> 00:37:08,790
Lances at each other with stool, hating
to miss a glimpse.

419
00:37:09,670 --> 00:37:15,930
Over the check -in kiss -a -roll and the
shrotted pimps.

420
00:37:30,420 --> 00:37:32,280
I'm still your...

421
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,220
Dr. Spooner. My name is Mr. Armstrong.

422
00:38:05,580 --> 00:38:07,180
Ah, how do you arm, Mr. Dewstrong?

423
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,980
Armstrong. Nevertheless, I am demited to
like you.

424
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,540
My wife has just gone away to make us a
nice tot of pea.

425
00:38:16,420 --> 00:38:20,020
I didn't come here to drink tea, I'm
afraid. No, I came to see you about the

426
00:38:20,020 --> 00:38:23,160
fences. Oh, all right. Don't get your
knickers in a twist. Oh, I did that one

427
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:24,160
right. I'm sorry.

428
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,440
Don't get your twisters in a nick. What
do you want?

429
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:32,540
Well, I want to know, for example,
beside yourself and your wife, If there

430
00:38:32,540 --> 00:38:36,720
any other people domiciled or resident
in this domicile? Well, I have a

431
00:38:36,720 --> 00:38:40,720
university colleague staying with me who
is writing a thesis on songs of the

432
00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:43,240
Wild West entitled Pioneer Poke Music.

433
00:38:44,060 --> 00:38:45,660
Would you like to hear one?

434
00:38:45,900 --> 00:38:46,899
Well, I don't think so.

435
00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:47,960
Oh, then show yourself.

436
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:58,820
It was round -up time at Cherokee
Landing and the cows were randy for

437
00:38:58,820 --> 00:38:59,820
ready.

438
00:39:02,730 --> 00:39:04,050
Slim and watching his moves.

439
00:39:04,930 --> 00:39:08,290
When I thought I heard the distant
hounding of fools.

440
00:39:09,670 --> 00:39:12,950
Overcome with fear. I couldn't quite
stifle.

441
00:39:13,430 --> 00:39:17,110
Just for safety's sake I picked up my
rusty trifle.

442
00:39:17,750 --> 00:39:21,330
When in gallop the gorgeous girl in
spangles and crystals.

443
00:39:23,190 --> 00:39:25,510
Threateningly pandishing her bristles.

444
00:39:27,510 --> 00:39:28,690
Pandishing bristles.

445
00:39:29,050 --> 00:39:32,370
Pounding hooves. Really, Dr. Squirell,
this is letting us go where?

446
00:39:32,650 --> 00:39:33,650
Going us net worth.

447
00:39:34,470 --> 00:39:36,830
Getting us nowhere. Is that what you're
saying to Trey?

448
00:39:37,270 --> 00:39:38,270
Well,

449
00:39:38,730 --> 00:39:43,830
what do you wish to know? Well, I wish
to know complete details of your family,

450
00:39:43,930 --> 00:39:47,570
where you were born, your earnings and
so forth. If you will dictate them to

451
00:39:47,650 --> 00:39:50,330
I will poppy them all in a little bit of
caper. Very well.

452
00:39:53,150 --> 00:39:56,530
Well, I was scorned in Botland and my
wife was worn in bales.

453
00:39:56,750 --> 00:39:59,970
I have one done and two sorted. That's
one me -male and two fales.

454
00:40:01,420 --> 00:40:04,200
Domestically, we're overdaft and postily
undergraved.

455
00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:08,000
There's Harry, she's the mousekeeper,
and Moosey, she's the lad.

456
00:40:09,260 --> 00:40:13,640
Forgive me for asking, but could you
take it slower, please? It's not that I

457
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,460
doubting a Guinister of mod.

458
00:40:15,740 --> 00:40:19,980
It's just that my ears haven't quite
become accustomed to the manner of your

459
00:40:19,980 --> 00:40:22,300
speaking, and it hounds a little
thought.

460
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:28,020
Well, there's Harry, he's the gardener.
There's Gary, he's the hardener. And

461
00:40:28,020 --> 00:40:30,940
Colin, he's the boot boy. And Bolling
does the coots.

462
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,660
There's Melanie, the tweeny maid.

463
00:40:32,860 --> 00:40:34,060
Young Eeny Twee, the lemonade.

464
00:40:34,420 --> 00:40:37,180
And Bertie is my doggie. Ah, little
dirty bog.

465
00:40:38,980 --> 00:40:43,400
My mother comes from Britain, my father
comes from Turkey. So, your mother, she

466
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:45,660
is Titish, and your father, he's a Berk.

467
00:40:46,740 --> 00:40:50,720
And you'll be very glad to see that that
concludes the inventory. I think that

468
00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:52,540
you'll admit that it's a lovely wab of
jerk.

469
00:40:55,500 --> 00:40:56,500
Wab of jerk?

470
00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:58,140
Wab of jerk, Mr.

471
00:40:58,340 --> 00:41:02,300
Doosprong? Your words are not making
sense. Not making sense?

472
00:41:02,700 --> 00:41:03,960
Poppy Dash and Baldacock.

473
00:41:05,060 --> 00:41:07,960
Really, I've never heard anything so
reliefulous in all my dick.

474
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,860
I must ask you to leave my house at
once. I'm going, don't worry. Or heave

475
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:13,598
if you prefer.

476
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:14,519
Heave your louse?

477
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,740
Yes, please. I shall certainly heave
your louse. Yes. If you don't want the

478
00:41:17,740 --> 00:41:18,740
lion, I'll have it.

479
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:22,440
Wonderful thing you are.

480
00:41:23,340 --> 00:41:24,680
I shall heave your louse.

481
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:29,240
Yes. This is a nightmare. A nightmare, I
tell you. My hound is going red in

482
00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:30,360
circles. Oh.

483
00:41:32,230 --> 00:41:33,230
Not making sense.

484
00:41:33,430 --> 00:41:35,370
Oh, how bare he, the dastard.

485
00:41:36,010 --> 00:41:37,710
Has he gone?

486
00:41:38,050 --> 00:41:43,150
Has he gone? Good gracious me, has he
gone? Of course. As from now on, I am

487
00:41:43,150 --> 00:41:44,150
house of this headhound.

488
00:41:45,670 --> 00:41:49,350
No, but, Mrs. Spooner, I am not as
confused as I seem.

489
00:41:50,610 --> 00:41:54,710
Now, look, from now on, and you can go
up these clothes and take your stairs

490
00:41:54,710 --> 00:41:55,710
straight away.

491
00:41:56,190 --> 00:41:57,450
I'm talking of stairs.

492
00:41:58,050 --> 00:41:59,310
We'll stair this up.

493
00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:19,620
A crappy Christmas to you all.

494
00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:50,540
Well, that's all for this week. Next
week, we'll discuss assistant

495
00:42:50,540 --> 00:42:53,940
who pose in school photographs and ask
should they stand by their principals.

496
00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:02,380
And we'll be looking at nudists and
asking can they show us a thing or two?

497
00:43:03,660 --> 00:43:08,000
And finally, a late newsflash. We've
just heard that Raquel Welsh has been

498
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:12,400
signed to play Quasimodo in the new film
entitled The Hunchfront of Notre Dame.

499
00:43:16,460 --> 00:43:20,260
And now it's good night from me and it's
good night from him. Good night.