1
00:00:07,309 --> 00:00:08,309
I'm done.

2
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,340
Thank you. Good evening and welcome to
the show. I must say it's very nice to

3
00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:32,240
with you all, isn't it? It is. And it's
very nice to be with you. Thank you,

4
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,660
Ron. Yes, it's lovely to see you all for
this, the second show in our series.

5
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,100
Last week we had the first one.

6
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,160
We call it the Eurovision Song Contest.

7
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,700
Very few people spotted that we in fact
did play all the parts.

8
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,500
I played Clodagh Rogers. Yes, but I won.

9
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,440
It may sound like hard work, but we
found it much easier than the Cassius

10
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,220
-Frasier fight you may have seen us do
last month.

11
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,380
We decided actually to call the series
The Two Arthurs.

12
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,940
But then we thought that wouldn't work
because Ronnie Barker isn't called

13
00:00:59,940 --> 00:01:04,099
Arthur. So we decided to call a Ronnie
and an Arthur. But then someone pointed

14
00:01:04,099 --> 00:01:08,900
out that I'm not called Arthur either.
So we rather smartly thought up the

15
00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:09,900
The Two Ronnies.

16
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:12,320
Thank you, Arthur.

17
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,880
We've got an action -packed show here.
We shall be looking at the major issues

18
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,859
in the news today.

19
00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:21,660
Here's a piece of film we've just had in
from Dover.

20
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:29,800
I've got a bottle of perfume, an instant
camera, some nylon stockings,

21
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,080
and a couple of bottles of champagne.

22
00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:33,279
Oh, lovely.

23
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,400
Let's go back to my place.

24
00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:42,640
And now, our guide to next week's
programmes. And the BBC have asked us to

25
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,700
that they're making too much of their
historical series.

26
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,840
On BBC One, there's the third repeat of
The Six Wives of Henry VIII.

27
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,800
On BBC Two, there's the eighth repeat of
The Three Wives of Henry VI.

28
00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:56,680
On BBC Three, there's the sixth repeat
of the second part of the third episode

29
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,560
of The Five Wives of Henry IV, part two.

30
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,300
This will be followed by the brand new
BBC Two series, Henry VIII Meets Abbott

31
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:04,300
and Costello.

32
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,419
Here's the rest of the news. Now, we've
put this together in rather a hurry, so

33
00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:11,160
the editing, you know, may not be quite
as good as usual. There may be little

34
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:15,740
gaps here and there, but still, you
know, what is editing or little gaps

35
00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:16,740
friends?

36
00:02:17,390 --> 00:02:21,970
The President of France arrived in
London today. He was wearing a fawn

37
00:02:21,970 --> 00:02:23,730
midi dress and a matching picture hat.

38
00:02:23,970 --> 00:02:27,850
The Queen later welcomed the Emperor of
Ethiopia highly indignant.

39
00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:32,910
The President of the Newport -Camden
Family Planning Association is to have

40
00:02:32,910 --> 00:02:33,769
another child.

41
00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:39,250
Anyone who saw the accident is asked to
phone... Telephone number, Whitehall 1,

42
00:02:39,470 --> 00:02:40,470
Arsenal 3.

43
00:02:41,830 --> 00:02:45,810
In the Miss World competition, Miss
Sweden was placed first. A close second

44
00:02:45,810 --> 00:02:46,810
Mr Edward Heath.

45
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:51,660
The commons then debated the price of
syrupa figs, but only three ran.

46
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:59,200
In the Gloria Van Crumpit divorce case,
the co -respondent was named as the

47
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:03,460
Argyle and Sutherland Highlanders, with
the help of the Highland Light Infantry.

48
00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:05,520
Now, politics.

49
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,160
It's time to consider the state of the
party.

50
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:30,750
Hello. Jolly nice party, this, isn't it?

51
00:03:38,330 --> 00:03:40,450
Rather nice wine.

52
00:03:45,070 --> 00:03:46,470
My name's...

53
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:52,299
I'm sorry.

54
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:56,220
I'm sorry. It's something I just can't
control. If I were you, I'd just move

55
00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:57,500
away. Well, I did.

56
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,340
Everybody else does.

57
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,760
Don't worry. I'll be all right. I'm used
to it.

58
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,440
Well, it seems such a shame.

59
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:12,260
Look, supposing I just sort of...
Supposing I just sort of kept an eye on

60
00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:16,760
hand of yours, and every time it came
up, you know, to give me a little thing,

61
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,339
ducked my head, we could have quite a
reasonable conversation.

62
00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:21,220
There we are.

63
00:04:24,270 --> 00:04:27,810
I'm sorry about that. And jolly well
heard, that dude. I know. I forgot to

64
00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:31,290
you about that. It does hurt. It does
hurt. That's the trouble, you see. I've

65
00:04:31,290 --> 00:04:35,110
got new friends left. I tell them my
troubles, and I try to be kind to them,

66
00:04:35,110 --> 00:04:38,450
they try to be kind to me and nice, and
then I kick them.

67
00:04:38,790 --> 00:04:41,070
Oh, I can't go on much longer. Why,
Gloria?

68
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:45,450
I ought not to have locked my temper and
raised my voice really, you know.

69
00:04:46,990 --> 00:04:48,510
Look, you go off.

70
00:04:49,010 --> 00:04:50,410
You go off and enjoy yourself.

71
00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:58,340
There's nothing you can do. There's
nothing anyone can do. Oh, there must

72
00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:05,660
Tell me, have you thought

73
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:10,400
of seeing somebody? I mean, for example,
I don't know. Have you thought of

74
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,400
seeing a psychiatrist?

75
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,380
Psychiatrist? What would I want with a
psychiatrist?

76
00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:17,940
I mean, nothing sticks these days, does
it?

77
00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:23,640
I just thought a psychiatrist might
possibly, you know, be able to assist

78
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:29,140
And, you know, you might...

79
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:37,080
And,

80
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:43,260
you know, in so doing, he might help
you, you know, to sort of... It's no

81
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,960
seeing a psychiatrist. He'd only say I
would start staring mad, wouldn't he?

82
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,140
Yes, but you're not mad.

83
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,300
No, I'm not mad. Of course I'm not mad.

84
00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:56,450
Trouble I get, you see. I mean, I want
to be liked and I need to be liked, but

85
00:05:56,450 --> 00:06:00,890
it's just that I just can't help it, you
see. I can't help it.

86
00:06:05,670 --> 00:06:08,810
Look, I... I don't. I don't want to.

87
00:06:09,130 --> 00:06:12,730
Look, I don't want to hurt your
feelings. Not for a minute do I want to

88
00:06:12,730 --> 00:06:15,150
your feelings. But I suppose you're
right. I ought to go.

89
00:06:15,890 --> 00:06:17,750
I ought to go, really.

90
00:06:18,230 --> 00:06:20,950
But there is just one thing I would like
to say before going.

91
00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:23,060
I hope. I hope you understand.

92
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:27,500
I feel so pathetic, so hopelessly
helpless, not being able to cope with

93
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,940
problem of yours. I'm very sorry. Thank
you for trying, anyway.

94
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:34,400
Well... No hard feelings, then? No, not
at all.

95
00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:35,860
Oh!

96
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,140
Hello, George.

97
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:39,540
Oh, hello, Charles.

98
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,020
I thought I'd never get rid of him.

99
00:06:52,180 --> 00:06:56,460
I think the girl you're about to see is
going to be a really big star. She's

100
00:06:56,460 --> 00:06:57,319
only 16.

101
00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,020
This is her very first television
appearance.

102
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:01,960
She makes a thrilling sound.

103
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,560
And what's more, she's absolutely tiny.

104
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,200
Isn't that lovely?

105
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,200
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome please,
Tina Charles.

106
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:46,100
And now, number 2 ,164 in our series,
how to get rid of embarrassing speech

107
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:50,020
defects. Last week, we taught you to say
Schleswig -Holstein without soaking the

108
00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:50,979
wallpaper.

109
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:54,960
This week, how to stop saying everything
twice. How to stop saying everything

110
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:55,960
twice.

111
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:59,000
You know, I myself used to say
everything twice once.

112
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:04,880
It was a kind of nervous habit in times
of stress. I remember asking a girl, of

113
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,700
whom I was rather shy, to come to the
cinema.

114
00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:10,410
And she said, which film? And I said,
Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Bang,

115
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:11,570
Bang, Bang, Bang.

116
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:16,270
Of course, I am lucky I was cured. I am
lucky I was cured.

117
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:20,290
A man once said to me, a man once said
to me, there is a German town where they

118
00:11:20,290 --> 00:11:22,470
cure this. There is a German town where
they cure this.

119
00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:25,010
Pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.

120
00:11:26,070 --> 00:11:27,150
I said, pardon, pardon.

121
00:11:27,350 --> 00:11:30,750
And he said, I said, he said, I said,
pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.

122
00:11:31,210 --> 00:11:33,830
He should have just said, pardon,
pardon. He should have just said,

123
00:11:33,870 --> 00:11:36,810
pardon. But what he said was, what he
said was, pardon, pardon, pardon,

124
00:11:36,910 --> 00:11:38,090
Pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.

125
00:11:38,690 --> 00:11:41,830
Now, if you suffer from saying
everything twice, if you suffer from

126
00:11:41,830 --> 00:11:45,470
everything twice, write to this address,
write to this address. The Larches, the

127
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:47,850
Larches, Gangadin Avenue, Gangadin
Avenue.

128
00:11:48,370 --> 00:11:49,870
Chipping, chipping, sodry, sodry.

129
00:11:51,030 --> 00:11:54,950
Fortunately, fortunately, this form of
illness, illness doesn't last long, last

130
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:59,190
long. After a few, after a few minutes,
the patient begins to say only a few

131
00:11:59,190 --> 00:12:00,210
things twice, things twice.

132
00:12:00,670 --> 00:12:07,010
Sometimes only bits of words, er, so...
So try to put up with it, up with it,

133
00:12:07,050 --> 00:12:12,550
and avoid words like plastic, tick,
tick, tick, tick, and livestock, tock,

134
00:12:12,550 --> 00:12:14,350
tock, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock,
tick.

135
00:12:15,290 --> 00:12:18,130
Never christen your child Rupert, but,
but, but, but, but, but.

136
00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:22,090
And if you see some people evil eating
their lunch unch on the grass grass,

137
00:12:22,270 --> 00:12:24,470
never refer to them as picnickers,
niggers, niggers.

138
00:12:26,550 --> 00:12:28,310
Finally, here is the address.

139
00:12:28,670 --> 00:12:30,910
That was referred to here, 2, 4, 6, 8,
10, 12.

140
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:35,770
The larches, arches, gunga -gunga, din
-din, abby -abby, new -new, chip -chip,

141
00:12:35,770 --> 00:12:37,190
ping -ping, sod -sod, very -very.

142
00:12:38,530 --> 00:12:41,550
Good -goodnight -ight -ight -ight -ight
-ight -ight, tiddly -ight -ight -ight

143
00:12:41,550 --> 00:12:42,550
-ight.

144
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,040
I must admit, it was with more than a
little trepidation that I approached my

145
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,040
destination.

146
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:15,720
Was it really true?

147
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:20,580
With the sound of the convent bell still
ringing in my ears, was I really

148
00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:23,820
travelling north to become the mistress
of a wealthy industrialist?

149
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,560
No, of course I wasn't. I was travelling
south to start work as a governor.

150
00:13:29,660 --> 00:13:33,500
I told myself that I must stop indulging
in the foolish habit of imagining

151
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,300
myself into these romantic situations.

152
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,400
Forgive me, dear reader.

153
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,320
But how could I have known what
adventures were to befall me?

154
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,340
But let us go back to the beginning.

155
00:13:47,780 --> 00:13:51,440
My name is Henrietta Beckett, and I am
21 years old.

156
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:56,880
My father is a country parson, my mother
a member of an old county family, and

157
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,980
the man next to me has just put his hand
on my knee.

158
00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:05,580
The Mother Superior was right. The
parasol is a blessing in all ways.

159
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,880
So I was here at last, Hampton Wick.

160
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:45,580
As I stepped down from the coach, a
feeling foreboding descended upon me.

161
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:47,840
air was chill, and so was my heart.

162
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:51,200
What lay in store for me behind those
forbidding walls?

163
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,680
I was to know soon enough.

164
00:14:56,940 --> 00:15:03,380
What is more...

165
00:15:03,630 --> 00:15:06,590
You will do precisely as you are told,
James.

166
00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:11,650
I am the master in this house, and I say
that you will go into the army.

167
00:15:12,030 --> 00:15:15,530
When you were born, I decided that you
would go into the army.

168
00:15:15,770 --> 00:15:20,490
When you were christened, James, your
godfather expressed a wish that you

169
00:15:20,490 --> 00:15:21,490
go into the army.

170
00:15:21,550 --> 00:15:26,550
The eldest son of the family has always
been called James and has always gone

171
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:31,090
into the army. And going to the army,
you shall, James, whether you like it or

172
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:32,090
not. Now.

173
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:33,480
Have you anything to say?

174
00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:35,400
Yes, Father. I'm Edward.

175
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:40,040
Edward? Well, where's James?

176
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:43,900
He's working as a porter at Euston
Station, Father. Is he? Is that a good

177
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:44,739
No, terrible.

178
00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:46,080
Good. Never did like that, boy.

179
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,760
Now then, what did I want to see you
about?

180
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,560
Nothing, Father. Then why are we here?

181
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:54,740
I've come to tell you, Father, that the
coach is shortly to arrive, bearing with

182
00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:55,740
it the new governess.

183
00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:56,900
Oh, wonderful.

184
00:15:57,220 --> 00:16:01,080
Father, don't you think I'm a trifle old
for a governess? Nonsense, boy. I had a

185
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:02,240
governess when I was 19.

186
00:16:02,620 --> 00:16:03,620
How old are you?

187
00:16:03,780 --> 00:16:07,840
36, Father. Well, there you are. You
see, there's no time to be lost.

188
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:12,260
Besides... I like a woman around the
place. It makes me feel young again.

189
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,420
Oh, it takes me back.

190
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,640
Doesn't do your legs much good either,
Father.

191
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,740
Father, don't you think you're a trifle
old for that sort of thing, don't you

192
00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:23,520
think, Father? Are you insinuating, sir,
that I am over -preoccupied with the

193
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:24,379
fair sex?

194
00:16:24,380 --> 00:16:27,600
Fair's got nothing to do with it,
Father. You are simply over

195
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:31,780
What about that grossest sister in
Ashford who allowed you once to press

196
00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:32,960
flowers in your encyclopedia?

197
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,680
Ah, but only her annuals.

198
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:44,860
Beckett. Miss Beckett, might I introduce
my father, Sir Geoffrey Hampton? Oh,

199
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:45,920
cha -cha -cha.

200
00:16:46,540 --> 00:16:48,260
Charmed. Charmed, my dear.

201
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,360
How do you do, Sir Geoffrey? I'm very
well. And how are you both?

202
00:16:52,660 --> 00:16:53,660
Well?

203
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,360
How delighted they were.

204
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:01,320
And how pleased they seemed to be to
welcome me within their doors.

205
00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:08,720
And yet, the more I looked at the old
man, the more I began to realise why he

206
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:09,720
had employed me.

207
00:17:12,129 --> 00:17:15,750
Crumpet? Happily, it was with young
Edward that I was to spend most of my

208
00:17:16,130 --> 00:17:19,550
And I must confess that I had already
begun to lose my heart to him.

209
00:17:20,130 --> 00:17:22,430
We spent many a happy hour studying
together.

210
00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:27,510
Drawing upon my own limited experience,
I endeavoured to provide him with as

211
00:17:27,510 --> 00:17:28,870
wide an education as possible.

212
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,800
The days indeed passed happily enough.

213
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,680
But the nights, oh, the nights began to
distress me more and more.

214
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:06,080
Old Sir Geoffrey had been pressing his
intentions upon me more and more each

215
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:07,080
evening.

216
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:12,260
Each night he would come to my room and
beg me to submit to his evil will.

217
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,840
But I was adamant. Ow!

218
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:24,560
and time after time.

219
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:33,200
But each time I repulsed him, I wanted
no one but my dear Edward.

220
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,380
In fact, I often went to his room to ask
him if he loved me.

221
00:18:43,140 --> 00:18:43,660
And

222
00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:50,660
he

223
00:18:50,660 --> 00:18:51,660
came to mine.

224
00:18:51,790 --> 00:18:52,810
To tell me that he did.

225
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,560
I knew then that the time had come to
leave Hampton Wick.

226
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:30,260
Oh, pray forgive me for intruding, but I
need help. I'm having trouble fastening

227
00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:33,500
my chest, and I wouldn't want my
treasures to fall out on a journey.

228
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,360
Allow me, my dear, I'm very good with
buttons.

229
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:43,280
I was referring to my trunk, Sir
Geoffrey, and well you know it. Not well

230
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,040
enough, Miss Beckett. Oh, won't you
reconsider your decision?

231
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:48,440
I will not, sir.

232
00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:50,680
Pray, Father, control yourself.

233
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,440
Go to your room, you insolent young
puppy.

234
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,080
It's no good trying to make me look
small.

235
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:58,460
It's too late for that sort of thing,
Father. Come, Miss Beckett, I shall

236
00:19:58,460 --> 00:19:59,399
you to the coach.

237
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,040
Goodbye, Sir James. Very well, then, go.
Go and seek your fortune in the big

238
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:07,900
city. But remember, a woman can't hold
out very long if she hasn't got a penny.

239
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:17,200
Edward took me to the coach, and a few
flakes of snow drifting down reminded me

240
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:21,020
that it was a year... Almost the day
since I had entered his life.

241
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:26,000
It was a black day for me, and an even
blacker one for Edward.

242
00:21:05,710 --> 00:21:06,710
She's one.

243
00:21:07,230 --> 00:21:09,250
Yeah, ain't she there, eh?

244
00:21:18,650 --> 00:21:19,650
Oi.

245
00:21:20,610 --> 00:21:22,770
Hungry? Yes, a little.

246
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:24,930
Got lodgings?

247
00:21:25,210 --> 00:21:26,210
No.

248
00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:28,950
Follow me, darling.

249
00:21:32,110 --> 00:21:37,570
It seemed as if fortune once again had
smiled upon me in my hour of need.

250
00:21:40,450 --> 00:21:44,470
As the two honest labourers discussed
which particular lodgings would best

251
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:49,350
my needs, I began to wonder how I could
repay such unsolicited kindness.

252
00:21:54,890 --> 00:21:58,330
Alas, dear reader, I was... Soon to
long.

253
00:22:19,850 --> 00:22:20,850
Number, please.

254
00:22:21,710 --> 00:22:23,510
Interpol, please. Do I have Interpol?

255
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,520
Interpol. I want to speak to Interpol,
please.

256
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,220
Hold the line, sir.

257
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:41,840
Warnworth Police Station.

258
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,000
Can I help you?

259
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:45,979
Good evening.

260
00:22:45,980 --> 00:22:49,200
Could I have Interpol, please? I want
Interpol.

261
00:22:49,460 --> 00:22:52,080
I'll connect you with Scotland Yard,
sir. Hold on. Thank you.

262
00:23:01,710 --> 00:23:05,250
sir? Um, Interpol, please. I want to
speak to Interpol.

263
00:23:05,470 --> 00:23:06,730
Is it red priority, sir?

264
00:23:07,510 --> 00:23:09,730
Um, yes. Yes, please.

265
00:23:10,070 --> 00:23:11,070
Hold the line, please.

266
00:23:17,950 --> 00:23:18,950
Hello?

267
00:23:22,950 --> 00:23:23,950
Interpol here.

268
00:23:24,090 --> 00:23:25,130
Oh, Interpol?

269
00:23:25,550 --> 00:23:28,470
I want to send some flowers by wire to
my mother.

270
00:23:33,930 --> 00:23:38,490
And now, our regular guest, singing
their hit number, Rose Garden, New

271
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:04,560
When you take, you gotta give. So live
and let live. I'll let you go. Whoa,

272
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:05,560
whoa, whoa, whoa.

273
00:24:05,660 --> 00:24:07,700
I beg your pardon.

274
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:12,080
I never promised you a rose garden.

275
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:19,280
I could promise you things like big
diamond rings, but you don't find roses

276
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,820
growing on thoughts of clover.

277
00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:25,360
So you better think it over.

278
00:24:27,630 --> 00:24:33,250
If it's me talking, you could make it
come true. I could give you the world

279
00:24:33,250 --> 00:24:36,030
right now on a silver platter.

280
00:24:37,110 --> 00:24:39,670
But what would it matter?

281
00:24:41,470 --> 00:24:45,850
So smile for a while and let's be jolly.

282
00:24:59,690 --> 00:25:04,430
I never promised you a rose garden along
with the sunshine.

283
00:25:05,250 --> 00:25:08,530
There's gotta be a little rain sometime.

284
00:25:16,110 --> 00:25:18,610
I beg your pardon.

285
00:25:19,410 --> 00:25:22,850
I never promised you a rose garden.

286
00:25:24,620 --> 00:25:30,300
I could sing you a tune and promise you
the moon, but if that's what it takes to

287
00:25:30,300 --> 00:25:33,320
hold you, well, just this tune will let
you go.

288
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:37,080
But there's one thing I want you to
know.

289
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:44,000
You better look before you leap, still
waters run deep, and there won't always

290
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,700
be someone there to pull you out.

291
00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:51,000
And you know what I'm talking about.

292
00:25:57,260 --> 00:26:04,140
Love shouldn't be so melancholy. Come
along and share the good times while you

293
00:26:04,140 --> 00:26:05,140
can.

294
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,200
I beg your pardon.

295
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:15,340
I never promised you a rose garden along
with the sunshine.

296
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,480
There's got to be a little rain
sometime.

297
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,380
I beg your pardon.

298
00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:26,560
I never promised you a rose garden.

299
00:26:41,310 --> 00:26:42,310
Ah,

300
00:26:54,110 --> 00:26:55,810
thank you. Thank you, New World.

301
00:26:56,439 --> 00:26:58,020
and welcome to the old world.

302
00:26:59,860 --> 00:27:03,760
One of the writers asked if I'd like to
say that, you know, or if I'd prefer to

303
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:04,760
say something funny.

304
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,600
When I realised what he was referring to
was antiques, you see, because I do

305
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:14,220
happen to possess a little antique
emporium very adjacent to these studios

306
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:18,060
often referred to as the Arthur Negus of
the Twilight Zone.

307
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,280
We started this business a few years
ago, you know.

308
00:27:23,610 --> 00:27:26,990
when things weren't too good, and my
wife was on strike from the cement

309
00:27:28,090 --> 00:27:32,970
Anyway, what I was going to tell you
was... Yes, they're there, if you look

310
00:27:32,970 --> 00:27:36,130
them. What I was going to tell you was
that I was over in Paris recently,

311
00:27:36,310 --> 00:27:39,430
because if you're going to buy antiques
at the moment, you've got to travel, you

312
00:27:39,430 --> 00:27:41,590
know, because all the best pieces are
abroad these days.

313
00:27:42,730 --> 00:27:47,250
Anyway, I was walking along the Champs
-Élysées, and there was this very lovely

314
00:27:47,250 --> 00:27:50,610
young lady standing on the corner. Now,
she must have been able to tell I was

315
00:27:50,610 --> 00:27:53,320
British. Although I had taken great
pains to dress like a native.

316
00:27:53,820 --> 00:27:57,000
Perhaps it was the bowler on top of the
barrier that gave me away.

317
00:27:57,980 --> 00:28:00,720
I said to her, excuse me. I said to her,
excuse me.

318
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:04,600
Am I doing rather a lot of swaying? I
think I am. I said to her, I'll sit

319
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:10,080
for a minute. I said to her, I said to
her, excuse me, but am I right for the

320
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:11,080
unknown soldier?

321
00:28:11,700 --> 00:28:17,560
To which she replied, have you got a
match, Sherry?

322
00:28:18,060 --> 00:28:20,900
Well, which happened to be all the
English she knew, and I later found out

323
00:28:20,900 --> 00:28:23,140
could ask for a light in any language in
the NATO command.

324
00:28:24,420 --> 00:28:25,420
And Swahili.

325
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,540
Now, I've never learned to speak any
French, because I was educated at rather

326
00:28:31,540 --> 00:28:32,880
cut -price boarding school.

327
00:28:33,820 --> 00:28:34,920
St. Tesco's.

328
00:28:37,580 --> 00:28:42,760
We had a French teacher, you know, but
he couldn't speak English. He used to

329
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,280
spend all his time out on a bicycle
selling onions.

330
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:50,060
The result was we didn't know much
French, but we certainly knew our

331
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,600
So I got a piece of paper out.

332
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,040
That's pity on me. So I got a piece of
paper out.

333
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:01,820
I'm pathetically miming a piece of paper
on the palm of my hand.

334
00:29:02,140 --> 00:29:05,600
I got a piece of paper out, you see, and
I began to draw, and I drew a knife and

335
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,940
a fork. And she nodded, and off we went
to the hardware shop.

336
00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:13,610
The chap in there could speak a bit of
English, and he managed to sort it all

337
00:29:13,610 --> 00:29:15,290
out, and I bought a saucepan for the
wife.

338
00:29:16,030 --> 00:29:19,890
But eventually, eventually we did have a
nice dinner, and I found that I could

339
00:29:19,890 --> 00:29:22,650
communicate perfectly well with these
little drawings, you know.

340
00:29:23,010 --> 00:29:25,550
Little drawings. I'd draw a little wine
glass and show it to him. He'd have a

341
00:29:25,550 --> 00:29:28,070
little glass of wine, draw a couple of
dances and show it to him. We had a

342
00:29:28,070 --> 00:29:29,070
little dance. It was lovely.

343
00:29:29,470 --> 00:29:33,610
Then, suddenly, I remembered a couple of
French phrases that I'd heard

344
00:29:33,610 --> 00:29:36,670
somewhere. Voulez -vous promenade and
ferme la porte?

345
00:29:37,989 --> 00:29:42,110
Well, we didn't buy many antiques, but,
my God, we walked a few miles and closed

346
00:29:42,110 --> 00:29:43,110
a few doors that evening.

347
00:29:45,710 --> 00:29:49,410
Right at the end, I was sitting there,
sitting there, having a little glass of

348
00:29:49,410 --> 00:29:51,590
wine, and trying to draw a good night.

349
00:29:52,430 --> 00:29:59,310
Trying to draw breath as well. Trying to
draw a good night. And

350
00:29:59,310 --> 00:30:03,770
she took a pen and paper out of her bag,
and she started drawing. And she was

351
00:30:03,770 --> 00:30:05,350
drawing there for 20 minutes.

352
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:10,360
Now, when she showed me that piece of
paper, believe it or not, on it was the

353
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:14,740
most perfect example of a Louis XIV four
-poster bed.

354
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,440
Now, what I want to know is, how did she
know I was in the antique business?

355
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,600
Is this the hearing aid centre?

356
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:35,040
Pardon?

357
00:30:36,370 --> 00:30:38,470
Is this the hearing aid centre?

358
00:30:38,750 --> 00:30:39,750
Oh, yes, that's right, yes.

359
00:30:39,830 --> 00:30:41,750
I've come to be fitted for a hearing
aid.

360
00:30:41,970 --> 00:30:42,970
Pardon?

361
00:30:43,150 --> 00:30:46,110
I've come to be fitted for a hearing
aid. Oh, do sit down, would you?

362
00:30:46,690 --> 00:30:47,890
I'll just take a few details.

363
00:30:48,770 --> 00:30:49,770
Name?

364
00:30:50,070 --> 00:30:51,070
Pardon?

365
00:30:51,290 --> 00:30:52,290
Name?

366
00:30:52,470 --> 00:30:53,470
Crampton. Pardon?

367
00:30:53,750 --> 00:30:55,270
Crampton. Oh, Crampton. Pardon?

368
00:30:55,530 --> 00:30:56,530
I said Crampton.

369
00:30:58,870 --> 00:31:01,690
Oh, then, Mr. Crampton, I take it you're
having difficulty with your hearing.

370
00:31:02,290 --> 00:31:03,290
Pardon?

371
00:31:04,140 --> 00:31:06,800
I take it you're having difficulty with
your hearing. That's correct.

372
00:31:07,060 --> 00:31:08,200
Pardon? That's correct.

373
00:31:08,460 --> 00:31:09,439
Which ear?

374
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,660
Pardon? Which ear?

375
00:31:10,980 --> 00:31:12,800
The right one. Pardon? The right one.

376
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,180
Would you mind covering it with your
hand, please?

377
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:17,020
Now then, can you hear me?

378
00:31:17,980 --> 00:31:18,980
Pardon?

379
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:20,540
Can you hear what I'm saying?

380
00:31:20,820 --> 00:31:21,900
You're a little bit faint.

381
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:24,060
Pardon? You're a little bit faint.

382
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:25,580
Ah, I can't hear you. Pardon?

383
00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:31,180
Try the other ear.

384
00:31:32,340 --> 00:31:33,500
That's it. Now, what's that like?

385
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:34,800
Still can't hear you.

386
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:35,960
Can you hear me?

387
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,200
Pardon?

388
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:40,480
Yes, you definitely need a hearing aid.
Yes, I thought so.

389
00:31:40,700 --> 00:31:43,000
Pardon? You can't hear me either, can
you? Pardon?

390
00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:46,840
Why don't you try one? You're still very
faint. A hearing aid. Why don't you try

391
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,940
one? Oh, I've got one. Pardon? Pardon? I
said pardon. Oh, I said pardon.

392
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:52,900
Oh, forget it. I'll get a set of new
teeth.

393
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:06,020
Ladies and gentlemen, Alfredo. Pardon?
Alfredo.

394
00:32:06,900 --> 00:32:07,500
Good

395
00:32:07,500 --> 00:32:17,540
evening,

396
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:18,640
ladies and gentlemen.

397
00:32:19,100 --> 00:32:25,440
I choose to start a few mimics all over
the world. For you, the great Sammy

398
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:26,660
Davis, Jr.

399
00:32:45,900 --> 00:32:50,640
And now, ladies and gentlemen, you see
now my military parade.

400
00:34:19,370 --> 00:34:20,368
Thank you.

401
00:34:20,370 --> 00:34:24,750
Now, ladies and gentlemen, you see now a
very nice drink with a beer.

402
00:34:25,010 --> 00:34:26,370
Here, nothing.

403
00:34:27,090 --> 00:34:28,730
Here, nothing.

404
00:34:29,190 --> 00:34:31,270
Here, thank you.

405
00:34:33,489 --> 00:34:34,570
My best number.

406
00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:40,830
So, let's go.

407
00:35:00,029 --> 00:35:03,190
Cheerio! Cheerio! Skol! Santi!

408
00:35:03,450 --> 00:35:06,450
Saluti! Nat Provia! Echecete! Prost!

409
00:35:29,390 --> 00:35:32,190
Folk. Folk.

410
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:19,340
There's a dream of a queen who I see in
New Orleans

411
00:36:19,340 --> 00:36:21,560
in the summertime.

412
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:29,720
She's so lean, so serene, and she's
clean.

413
00:36:30,140 --> 00:36:37,120
I've never seen such a queen of 17 in

414
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:38,120
the summertime.

415
00:36:41,420 --> 00:36:47,840
In the summertime, there will come a
time at the moment I'm working

416
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:54,800
overtime for a pal of mine. So I'll have
a time to get to

417
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:56,340
New Orleans.

418
00:36:57,220 --> 00:37:00,820
Her eyes are green, just like a bee.

419
00:37:01,420 --> 00:37:07,160
Her legs are lean, and just between
ourselves I mean.

420
00:37:07,500 --> 00:37:09,180
I love that queen.

421
00:37:10,090 --> 00:37:11,330
In the summertime

422
00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:23,850
Their

423
00:37:23,850 --> 00:37:31,670
eyes

424
00:37:31,670 --> 00:37:38,230
are clean And just between Their legs
are clean And just between

425
00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:44,700
Ourselves I mean To love the Queen In
the summertime

426
00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:09,500
Before we get any further, I'd very much
like you to meet my old partner and

427
00:38:09,500 --> 00:38:11,000
buddy, Fat Valley Jones.

428
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,460
Glad to know you. Mighty glad to be
here. Thank you.

429
00:38:16,540 --> 00:38:19,600
Fat Valley Jones, ladies and gentlemen,
a great big friend of mine, wonderful,

430
00:38:19,740 --> 00:38:22,880
warm -hearted friend of mine, and the
best guitar player this side of me.

431
00:38:23,620 --> 00:38:26,080
Well, thank you, Big Jim. That's real
nice of you.

432
00:38:27,850 --> 00:38:28,629
Sure is wonderful.

433
00:38:28,630 --> 00:38:32,190
Fat Belly Jones helps around the farm
with the pigs, don't you, Fat Belly? Oh,

434
00:38:32,190 --> 00:38:33,190
love pigs.

435
00:38:33,570 --> 00:38:35,070
Sure does. It's all over town.

436
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,750
Of course, he's a real country boy at
heart, old Fat Belly. I mean, his

437
00:38:39,830 --> 00:38:44,190
they've been blacksmiths in the Omaha
state for four, five, six generations.

438
00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:47,590
Come on, Fat Belly, you tell the folks
out there, the good folks out there,

439
00:38:47,670 --> 00:38:50,030
about how you and your family were all
blacksmiths, eh?

440
00:38:50,470 --> 00:38:51,470
Cobblers.

441
00:38:54,629 --> 00:38:56,730
Well, seems you don't want to talk about
it right now.

442
00:38:58,010 --> 00:39:02,090
So here it is now. A little number goes
like this. Something like this here.

443
00:39:02,170 --> 00:39:03,450
This is the way it goes. Something like
this.

444
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:24,250
Down by the river where all the bullrush
grows. Watch the girls swim in there

445
00:39:24,250 --> 00:39:28,290
without no hesitation. Out in the open,

446
00:39:29,970 --> 00:39:33,790
sitting in my corn pad.

447
00:39:35,550 --> 00:39:40,670
Mad Mary on my old barn door. I know
just what she's awaiting for. Up in the

448
00:39:40,670 --> 00:39:44,690
loft where the oil lamp flickers. I lost
my heart and she lost her parasol. Out

449
00:39:44,690 --> 00:39:50,310
in the open, sitting in my corn pad. Out
in the open, sitting in my corn pad.

450
00:39:50,750 --> 00:39:52,490
I'm in the open. I'm in the open.

451
00:39:52,830 --> 00:39:54,270
I'm in the open.

452
00:39:57,210 --> 00:40:01,750
I'm in the open.

453
00:40:02,230 --> 00:40:04,730
I'm in the open.

454
00:40:34,190 --> 00:40:38,170
You have a little ditty called The Gal
from Arkansas, and me and Fat Valley, I

455
00:40:38,170 --> 00:40:41,490
want to tell you this, good people, me
and Fat Valley, we really appreciate it

456
00:40:41,490 --> 00:40:44,150
being here with you. I'm going to tell
you that. Okay, let's hear it for Big

457
00:40:44,150 --> 00:40:45,750
Jaws about it. Let's hear it now,
people.

458
00:40:49,050 --> 00:40:53,390
Well, will you give us four in, then,
Fat Valley? Okay, are we ready?

459
00:40:53,770 --> 00:40:54,770
Four.

460
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:02,420
She was a big fat, welcome on the map,
true blue southern gal.

461
00:41:03,140 --> 00:41:06,380
Met her down in Arkansas, never saw the
gal before, but seemed to be a real good

462
00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:10,720
pal. She grew up in Scotland, her sister
from Seattle, she used to do it as

463
00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:13,660
well. She was a big fat, what do you
think of that?

464
00:41:13,900 --> 00:41:15,160
Up, down, down, down, bell.

465
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:19,380
She was huge, tall, really on the ball,
great people of his day.

466
00:41:20,300 --> 00:41:23,640
Traveled with the rodeo, worked in the
stripper's zone, no two shows the same.

467
00:41:24,350 --> 00:41:27,790
I'll show a cat a pair, she can drop her
underwear, everybody's got it, you can

468
00:41:27,790 --> 00:41:32,130
tell. She was a huge, tall, no -clothes,
tall, up, down, down, down, bell.

469
00:41:49,630 --> 00:41:53,490
You're too fine, cry one of mine, we're
rattling bitches here.

470
00:42:00,380 --> 00:42:06,660
We'll be right back.

471
00:42:41,750 --> 00:42:45,670
We'd like to thank Alfredo, New World,
and Tina Charles for being on the show.

472
00:42:45,850 --> 00:42:48,610
We'd also like to thank, for not being
on the show, Harold Wilson, Anthony

473
00:42:48,610 --> 00:42:51,710
Barber, and Mrs. Gunge of Bunge Street
Fence.

474
00:42:53,130 --> 00:42:55,450
Who is in bed with a nasty case of Mr.

475
00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:57,090
Gunge of Bunge Street Fence.

476
00:42:59,430 --> 00:43:00,810
Get well soon, Gladys.

477
00:43:02,450 --> 00:43:07,190
Sir Lawrence Olivier is appearing in No,
No, Nanette at the Trellis Theatre,

478
00:43:07,370 --> 00:43:11,030
Totnes. Nanette is appearing in No No
Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Globe Theatre

479
00:43:11,030 --> 00:43:12,030
Gotham.

480
00:43:13,070 --> 00:43:17,370
Next week, next week we'll interview
Boris Goodenough, Boris Not Quite

481
00:43:17,370 --> 00:43:20,230
Goodenough, and Boris Absolutely
Useless.

482
00:43:20,730 --> 00:43:22,530
So, it's goodnight from me.

483
00:43:22,770 --> 00:43:24,010
And it's goodnight from him.

484
00:43:24,710 --> 00:43:25,750
Goodnight. Goodnight.

485
00:43:25,970 --> 00:43:26,970
Goodnight. Goodnight.