1 00:00:04,212 --> 00:00:05,045 Linda. 2 00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:08,383 You can have literally anything you could possibly... 3 00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:11,428 - What the... - You sent a demon in disguise 4 00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,054 as one of the subjects? 5 00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:16,057 This outrageous act must be punished. 6 00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,227 Chidi will be the fourth subject in this experiment. 7 00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,146 I still don't get why the Bad Place 8 00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:23,899 would try something so obvious. 9 00:00:24,065 --> 00:00:26,150 They're desperate. They know they're gonna lose. 10 00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:28,384 Plus, we can get rid of the Linda picture, 11 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:31,281 and put a Chidi picture on the other side 12 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,074 since we know a ton about him. 13 00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:34,881 This is all good news, right, Team Leader? 14 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:37,453 Yeah, it's super cool that I'm actively surveilling 15 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,163 and manipulating an ex-boyfriend. 16 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:41,374 I mean, more so than I usually did. 17 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:43,126 Okay, let's focus on Brent. 18 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,628 Born on third base, 19 00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:46,189 thinks he invented the game of baseball. 20 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,797 Guys like this believe that the world 21 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,050 revolves around them because... it kind of does. 22 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:53,177 I don't understand why he's so uninterested 23 00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:54,554 in other people. 24 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,556 He's the oldest of the newest residents, 25 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,141 so he has the most wisdom, 26 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,351 which means he should be open to new ideas. 27 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:01,895 So you're literally saying 28 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,688 we should teach an old dog new tricks? 29 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:04,814 Exactly. 30 00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,232 Is there a famous expression 31 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,984 about how easy it is to do that? 32 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,529 If we could get him to listen to anyone else, 33 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:12,905 he'd hear how much better they are than he was, 34 00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:15,408 which might make him realize that he doesn't belong here. 35 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:18,328 And also, bonus 36 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,622 maybe he cries like a stupid little baby. 37 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:27,420 ♪ ♪ 38 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,088 Anyway, long story short, 39 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,424 that's why there are still ducks. 40 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,468 - I saved all the ducks. - Aw! 41 00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,887 Incredible. Wow. 42 00:01:35,971 --> 00:01:37,722 Thank you, Wanda. What a life. 43 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:41,226 Now we turn to our next guest, Chidi Anagonye. 44 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,771 Now Chidi, you led an impressive life as an academic. 45 00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:50,318 Well, not "save an entire species" impressive, 46 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,445 but, yes, I was a professor 47 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,363 of ethical and moral philosophy. 48 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,825 I'm sorry... literally every duck? 49 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,786 - You saved every duck? - In essence, yes. 50 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,603 And I didn't mention this before. 51 00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:04,833 I really don't like to brag but also... horses. 52 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,000 - Oh! - What? 53 00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,627 Man... 54 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,261 I mean, compared to you, I feel a little inadequate. 55 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,884 Hey, Mikey, can I ask you something? 56 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,411 I feel bad for making Janet's life 57 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,346 more chaotic and unpredictable, 58 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:21,015 so here's my idea to make it up to her. 59 00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:25,186 Me and 100 Janet Babies do a giant flash mob... 60 00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:28,064 Just total unpredictable chaos all around her. 61 00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:30,150 Great idea, right? 62 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,544 Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason. 63 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,194 Mm-hmm. 64 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,780 Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the Neighborhood 65 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:36,781 where if I say your name five times 66 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,325 my headache goes away. 67 00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,952 Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk 68 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,537 in the original Neighborhood? 69 00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:44,413 Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"? 70 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,497 No. 71 00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:49,460 It's because you have no control over your own impulses. 72 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:51,295 You think every problem can be solved 73 00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:54,716 with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires 74 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,217 or plunging Derek. 75 00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:58,219 All things Detective Monk 76 00:02:58,386 --> 00:03:00,012 would never do on the TV show "Monk." 77 00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:01,806 - No, stay with me here, pal. - Okay. 78 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:05,060 I made you a monk because it was torture for you 79 00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:07,395 to resist doing whatever little inane idea 80 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:09,105 popped into your head. 81 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:12,066 The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet 82 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,860 is to give her some space. 83 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,696 Show her that you can control your impulses. 84 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,532 So you're saying wanting to do something 85 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,994 isn't a good reason to immediately do it? 86 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,580 Yeah. 87 00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:28,040 Man, I wish someone had taught me this on Earth. 88 00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:31,419 People tried, mostly judges. 89 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:32,587 Hey, show time. 90 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,547 And now, Brent Norwalk, 91 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,966 why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? 92 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,176 Thank you very much. Thank you. 93 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:40,845 Sure. I'm pretty interesting. 94 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,347 I grew up in Chicago. 95 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:44,307 A suburb, obviously. 96 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,225 I went to Princeton University. 97 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,895 No handouts, by the way. I earned my spot there 98 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,312 just like my father and his father before him. 99 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,274 I then inherited the family business, 100 00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:54,984 and in just 18 years, 101 00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:56,695 I grew Norwalk Materials 102 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:59,071 from a $90 million company 103 00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:01,032 to a $94 million company. 104 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:02,199 One second. Hey, Janet. 105 00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:03,118 Hi, there. 106 00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:04,284 Perrier. 107 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:07,788 Why don't you tell us about a time 108 00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:10,166 when things didn't come so easy to you. 109 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,126 Look, I've had my share of disappointments. 110 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:15,255 I smartly bought Netflix stock at $38 a share, 111 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,941 but I couldn't cash it in before I died, 112 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:19,592 so all that money's going to my dumb kid. 113 00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,344 But you have to press on, right? 114 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,179 In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., 115 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,973 who I personally believe was a great man, 116 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:28,935 he said that when life knocks you on your butt, 117 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,145 you jump back up and start throwing haymakers. 118 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,355 I'm not sure he said that. 119 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:33,582 No, no, he did. You're wrong. 120 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,775 For me, Eleanor, it's all about 121 00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,693 taking personal responsibility. 122 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,320 I don't know if people do that. 123 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,696 And if you ask me, 124 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:41,841 that's what's wrong with this country. 125 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,283 What country? 126 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,534 This was fun, Eleanor, but I have a tee time. 127 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:47,287 Daddy no golfy, daddy get cranky. 128 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,873 So, Chad, duck lady, nice to meet you. 129 00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:52,625 Thank you. Thank you all very much. 130 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:55,711 - You were great. - A car? 131 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,339 - He got a car? - Okay, 132 00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,717 well, back to the drawing board. 133 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,695 If we want him to understand he doesn't belong here, 134 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,345 we don't need a drawing board. 135 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,473 We need to bust him open like a piñata. 136 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,391 We tried that in the Bad Place. 137 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:11,352 The goo that comes out doesn't taste as good as candy. 138 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:12,979 No, dude, metaphorically. 139 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,522 Ahh. 140 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:17,525 Although, there is another Bad Place strategy 141 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,444 that might work very well here. 142 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,948 I don't know if that's the right move. 143 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,909 It's our only move. 144 00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:27,660 And we're doing it. 145 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,037 Tomorrow. 146 00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:36,753 What the... 147 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,421 Hey, Janet? 148 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,215 Janet! 149 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,136 Is that Perrier? 150 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:49,599 ♪ Waiting for the break of day ♪ 151 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:56,314 ♪ Searching for something to say ♪ 152 00:05:58,691 --> 00:05:59,608 Michael, Eleanor. 153 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,026 Brent, I'm so sorry. 154 00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,903 We don't know why all of this is happening. 155 00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,321 Well, I do. 156 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:06,157 This chaos is clearly all about me. 157 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:08,659 This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here. 158 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:09,952 Brent, what do you mean? 159 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,913 I don't belong in the Good Place. 160 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,706 ♪ 25 or 6 to 4... ♪ 161 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,167 I mean, obviously there's a place better than this. 162 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,294 I belong there. 163 00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:19,796 In the best place. 164 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:28,429 Walk me through this, Brent. I'm not sure we follow. 165 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,366 Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now. 166 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,892 I mean, this can't be all the Afterlife has to offer. 167 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,894 Not to the cream of the crop. 168 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,354 I mean, if this is heaven, then where are my guys? 169 00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,732 Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? 170 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,651 Where's White Guillermo? 171 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,268 And where is Mexican William? 172 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,611 And what about Squirtman? 173 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:45,946 Well, he makes a good point. 174 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,270 You know, what about Squirtman? 175 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,492 Also, frankly, my assistant Janet 176 00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:50,993 is a little uptight. 177 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,677 I mean, she hasn't worn any of my gifts. 178 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,580 Have you been asking Janet 179 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:58,376 to make herself clothes that you give back to her? 180 00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,419 Yeah, you're doing the math right there, bud. 181 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,505 Look, this chaos, which is clearly all about me, 182 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,589 is a sign. 183 00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:05,133 If this is the Good Place, 184 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,427 I belong in the best place. 185 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,804 So figure it out. Get back to me, okay? 186 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,390 I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head. 187 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:14,893 I'll meet up with you later. 188 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:19,772 Michael, I'm afraid we need to talk about Eleanor. 189 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,650 I know what you're gonna say. She's just been really busy. 190 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:25,236 I'm sure she'll get around to showering at some point. 191 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,320 No, it's not that, 192 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:30,116 although, it's not... not that. 193 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,951 It's possible we need a new Team Leader. 194 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,536 Oh, really? 195 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,372 We just can't help but question her decision-making. 196 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,415 She balked at bringing Chidi and Simone together. 197 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,126 She ignored my concerns about Linda. 198 00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:43,379 Her plans for Brent backfired. 199 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:45,297 We've made precious little progress. 200 00:07:45,381 --> 00:07:48,176 Perhaps leadership isn't her forte. 201 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:49,893 Yeah, I mean, Eleanor is dope, 202 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,805 but she keeps screwing everything up. 203 00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,098 That's my thing, 204 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,534 and you wouldn't put me in charge. 205 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,643 Actually, that's a decent point. 206 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,436 But think about what you're saying here. 207 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,773 We have. We should at least discuss 208 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,983 pursuing a change in leadership. 209 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,776 Yeah, definitely, let's pursue it. 210 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,905 Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about 211 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:13,534 maybe you shouldn't be... Team... Leader? 212 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:14,869 Saved it. 213 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,788 Go ahead, guys. Speak your mind. 214 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,665 It isn't personal, Eleanor. 215 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,207 When we started this experiment, 216 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,710 I calculated a 9% chance of success. 217 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,754 After your first three days on the job, 218 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,338 it's down to 7.1%. 219 00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:29,676 So purely from a mathematical standpoint, 220 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,678 you are kind of pooching it. 221 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,846 Very helpful feedback. 222 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,764 And if I could give you some feedback, 223 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,559 I'd say that you're all ungrateful ash-faces 224 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,562 who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box. 225 00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:42,938 Which curses were those? 226 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,983 I didn't ask for this! 227 00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:46,509 I'm only doing it because Michael, 228 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,110 who is supposed to be in charge, 229 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,964 had a nervous breakdown the second it started. 230 00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,655 But maybe you can do it better than me. 231 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,116 Tahani can be in charge since she's so smart. 232 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,660 Or better yet, Jason. 233 00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:57,662 Maybe all of humanity can be saved 234 00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,415 with one good old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival. 235 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:01,749 I mean, we could try. 236 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,418 All I need is a bouncy house, 237 00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:05,878 some ninja stars, and a bunch of ambulances. 238 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,087 Well, good luck, forkfaces. 239 00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:08,673 I quit. 240 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,050 Shellstrop out. 241 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,473 You got it all out of your system? 242 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,975 You gonna come back? 243 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,309 - Get to work? - No, man. 244 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,978 I meant what I said. I quit. 245 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,814 I'm sorry you overheard that. 246 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,983 And they're sorry they said it. 247 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:30,861 But you don't just get to quit this, Eleanor. 248 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:33,448 This is not your 7th grade band 249 00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:36,451 or three hours into a two-week juice cleanse. 250 00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:38,411 A little more at stake here. 251 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,622 Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting. 252 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,959 The things that are happening here are above my pay grade. 253 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,795 How do I get Brent to stop being such a deckhead? 254 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,631 How do I fix Simone when she's convinced 255 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:53,092 all of this is happening inside of her brain? 256 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,470 Ooh, maybe I should drive her into the arms 257 00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,638 of my ex-boyfriend... that sounds fun. 258 00:09:57,805 --> 00:09:59,640 What do I do about John the gossip king, 259 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:02,310 or the demon spy who punched me in the face? 260 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,353 And how do I do it all with a pleasant smile 261 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,729 to keep everyone's spirits up? 262 00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:08,065 I'm not meant for this. 263 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:11,026 I'm not the freakin' savior of the universe. 264 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:14,489 I'm just 265 00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:17,157 a girl from Arizona. 266 00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:19,160 That's it. 267 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:22,871 I'm just a normal girl from Arizona. 268 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,750 I ate junk food. I watched reality shows. 269 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:28,586 I sometimes left HandM wearing more underpants 270 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,213 than I had on when I came in. 271 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:33,716 I did a bad job of being in charge of my own life, 272 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,028 and now I'm supposed to be in charge of everyone else's life? 273 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,386 I... 274 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,555 I cannot do this. 275 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:50,900 When I started my experiment, I thought: 276 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,986 "Four broken birdbrains who will believe 277 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,155 "everything I tell them. 278 00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:58,407 This will be a breeze." 279 00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:00,701 You beat me in three months. 280 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,830 Okay, fine, I thought. A fluke. 281 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:07,291 You then beat me 800 more times. 282 00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:11,504 Because human beings, it turns out, 283 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,422 are weird 284 00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:15,383 and I will never truly understand 285 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,010 what it's like to be one. 286 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:21,639 This is a job for a human... 287 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:24,517 One who's tough but also empathetic 288 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,978 and has a big heart. 289 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:31,816 And a world-class bullshirt detector. 290 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:35,153 You think you can't do this? 291 00:11:35,319 --> 00:11:36,904 Eleanor 292 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,740 you're the only one who can do this. 293 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,369 Like it or not 294 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,871 the only one who can save humanity 295 00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:48,958 is a girl from Arizona. 296 00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:55,631 But everything I do blows up in my face. 297 00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:59,927 I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E. Coyote 298 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,471 That's true. 299 00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,723 About you making lots of mistakes, 300 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,185 not the thing where you sexualized a cartoon. 301 00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:10,062 Come on, you know how this works. 302 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,732 You fail and then you try something else. 303 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:16,861 And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, 304 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:19,947 and you keep trying because 305 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:24,493 maybe the 1001st idea might work. 306 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:30,208 Now, I'm gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea. 307 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,128 I hope you'll join me. 308 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:39,300 I hope you shower first and then join me. 309 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:45,848 ♪ ♪ 310 00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:51,743 Ladies and gentlemen, back with her trademark brand 311 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,190 of B-minus leadership, Eleanor Shellstrop. 312 00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,441 We are so, so, so sorry, Eleanor. 313 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,152 We never should've questioned you. 314 00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,195 Don't worry about it, hot stuff. 315 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,657 I was questioning me, too. But I'm back, baby. 316 00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:05,242 And I have a new idea for Brent. 317 00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:08,370 Guys like him never think they're wrong, so 318 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,455 we're gonna tell him he's right. 319 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:12,500 Brent. 320 00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:18,422 This conversation must remain confidential. 321 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:19,756 Okay. 322 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,508 Obviously, you're a very smart guy. 323 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,010 Yes. 324 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:24,887 But we need to know that we can trust you 325 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,472 with sensitive information. 326 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,890 You can. 327 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,934 I routinely buried HR complaints, 328 00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,519 so, no problem. 329 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,562 Truth is, Brent, 330 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,023 you figured us out. 331 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,858 There is a Best Place. 332 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:40,152 I knew it. I knew it. 333 00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:41,612 The Best Place is reserved 334 00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:44,781 for a select upper echelon of good people, 335 00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:47,534 sort of like a Diamond Elite VIP Club 336 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:48,768 of Afterlife residents. 337 00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,163 I was Diamond Elite. I swear. 338 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,332 One time I did shots with this pilot in the lounge, 339 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,958 and the guy let me fly his helicopter. 340 00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:56,376 We know. That's how you died. 341 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:59,088 - Right. - So you'll all be evaluated, 342 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,840 and then a very small group 343 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:04,259 of the most morally upstanding residents get to go. 344 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,137 Oh, I see. 345 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,763 So it's like a "good deeds" contest? 346 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,473 That's easy. 347 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,975 I'm gonna crush this. Oh, and hey 348 00:14:12,059 --> 00:14:14,509 mum's the word, right? Why tip off my competition? 349 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:17,940 Oops. Looks like you dropped your fork. 350 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,775 Let me get that for you. 351 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,179 Did you get that? The fork thing? 352 00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:22,715 Or should I start writing these down? 353 00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:23,797 No, you're good. We'll keep track. 354 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:24,822 Great. Love it. 355 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,200 Hi, Jason. 356 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,328 Janet, I'm so happy to see you. 357 00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:31,995 I got you a box of chocolates. 358 00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:35,082 But then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them. 359 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,518 And I thought it'd be a nice present 360 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,377 for me to describe them to you. 361 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:39,879 So 362 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,756 The first one was gross... 363 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:43,883 Jason, um, please just let me talk. 364 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,009 You know that I've been overwhelmed with work 365 00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:47,552 since the Neighborhood started. 366 00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:48,679 - Yup. - And I asked you 367 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,931 to give me some space. 368 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,268 - Yup. - I'm so sorry to say this. 369 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,020 But I can't be in a relationship 370 00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:58,689 with you right now. 371 00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,150 Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy, 372 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,443 and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment. 373 00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:06,238 - It won't, though. - Jason, it already has. 374 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,031 So why don't we just take a break 375 00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:10,534 until it's all finished. 376 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,622 Also, I hate to pile on, 377 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,500 but I feel like you have a right to know. 378 00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,670 The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. 379 00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:24,548 He's not on the team anymore. 380 00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,384 I am genuinely sorry. 381 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,973 ♪ ♪ 382 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,475 Hi, how are you? 383 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,476 Nice to see you. Enjoy your yogurt. 384 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,395 How'd you know he'd go for this? 385 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,773 Brent is completely self-absorbed. 386 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,983 He only sees others as a means to an end. 387 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:46,028 We needed to give him an end just so he'd literally notice 388 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,595 there were other people around him. 389 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,031 - Huh. - Actually, 390 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,949 kinda reminds me of the old me. 391 00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:52,243 Oh, come on. 392 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,120 You weren't nearly that bad. 393 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,515 Although you did frequently bring crutches to the airport 394 00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:57,957 so you could board early. 395 00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,875 You think I'm gonna wait till group four? 396 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,627 Get outta here with that noise. 397 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,213 The problem is now he's saddled with a bad motivation. 398 00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,299 I mean, his points won't go up if the only reason 399 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,103 he's being nice is to make his points go up. 400 00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:11,220 Yeah, but that was also my situation 401 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,055 when I first asked Chidi for help. 402 00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:15,307 I only did it so you wouldn't catch me. 403 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:16,975 We have to hope that over time 404 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,228 Brent starts doing good things out of habit. 405 00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,398 Just like you. 406 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,943 Hey, I just realized something. 407 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:30,698 That whole "you're the only one who can save us" speech... 408 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,741 You didn't actually have a nervous breakdown 409 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,452 on day one, did you? 410 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,537 You faked it so that I would step up 411 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,038 and take over. 412 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:42,293 - Guilty. - You tricky devil! 413 00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,670 Very clever. All right. 414 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:48,590 Time to go help Simone and Chidi. 415 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,550 Oof, why did I come up with this idea? 416 00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,010 This is gonna hurt real bad. 417 00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:54,054 I know, I know. But I think it's gonna work. 418 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,557 Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me. 419 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,643 You sure there's no other girl from Arizona who can do this? 420 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,478 What about Emma Stone? She's from there. 421 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,063 She's very capable. 422 00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,733 Remember her in "Zombieland" and "La La Land"? 423 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,276 What's with all her movies ending with "land"? 424 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,363 - You're stalling. - Yep, heading out. 425 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:14,158 Jason, I'm so sorry. 426 00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:17,077 Janet was my whole Afterlife. 427 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,163 How am I gonna get over her? 428 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:20,956 I used to have a breakup routine 429 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,160 when a relationship ended... 430 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,252 Champagne and Alanis Morissette. 431 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,130 Not the actual singer. I'd just listen to her albums 432 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,840 at my friend Adele's house. 433 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:33,344 I guess I could do my normal breakup routine... 434 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:35,387 Drink a ton of Mountain Dew, 435 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,014 steal an ATV, 436 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,974 and ride it through a Panda Express. 437 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,559 But then I'd have to ask Janet 438 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,519 for the Mountain Dew and the ATV, 439 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:45,453 and then I'd have to see Janet, and then I'd start crying. 440 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,066 What do I do? 441 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,484 I honestly don't know. 442 00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:50,736 But whatever you do, 443 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,753 you'll be doing it with your friends. 444 00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,326 And I didn't even get to tell you 445 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,246 about the Blake Bortles part. 446 00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,414 So, Chidi 447 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,231 do you remember that woman Simone 448 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,168 from the party the other night? 449 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,795 Simone 450 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,338 the... Third Eye Blind superfan 451 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,674 who walked around cutting off people's ponytails? 452 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,426 That's the one. 453 00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:17,471 I need your help acclimating her to the Neighborhood. 454 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,683 I've tried, but since she thinks this whole thing 455 00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,811 is imaginary and I'm an authority figure, 456 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,479 I'm extra suspicious. 457 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:28,732 Well, what makes you think I'd have any more luck? 458 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,610 Chidi, you and Simone... 459 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,406 Are soul mates. 460 00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,867 Soul mates? 461 00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:42,037 Like our souls are... are... 462 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:43,705 Mates. Yes. 463 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:47,334 Everyone has people that they're cosmically bound to, 464 00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:50,128 and the system brings them together in the Afterlife, 465 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:53,381 and I can say with complete certainty 466 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,634 that you and Simone are two such people. 467 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,971 I haven't told her yet. 468 00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:02,308 I wouldn't have told you ordinarily, 469 00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,268 but since she's gone a little cuckoo bananas... 470 00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:07,646 That's the official Architect term... 471 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,566 I thought it was prudent to let you know. 472 00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,068 Whoo, boy, uh... 473 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,863 I'm getting a stomach ache, 474 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:18,198 but a good one. A happy stomach ache. 475 00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,159 This is new! Oh, you know what? 476 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,703 There are some great writings 477 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:26,498 on simulated realities that might help her adjust... 478 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,182 Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou. 479 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,919 I wonder if I can summon a book from my apartment. 480 00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,466 Well, good luck. 481 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,593 This is incredible! 482 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,095 I spent my whole life in pursuit 483 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,781 of fundamental truths about the universe, 484 00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:44,141 but I never actually 485 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:46,393 fell in love with someone. 486 00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,019 I know. 487 00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:50,648 Oh, right, of course. 488 00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:52,774 You know everything about me. 489 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,818 I do, indeed. 490 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,451 Hi, Simone. 491 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,203 Uh, Chidi. 492 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,454 From the other night. 493 00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:07,789 Oh, wow. 494 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,958 My brain must really like keeping you around. 495 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,627 Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist. 496 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,087 Right, um, 497 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:17,257 so if I understand your state of mind, 498 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:20,135 it's basically solipsism. 499 00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,929 You think that you're the only real thing in the universe 500 00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:26,225 and everything else stems from your consciousness. 501 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,851 Yes, but to be fair, 502 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:30,521 I only think that because it's true and I'm right. 503 00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:34,441 No offense, but solipsism as a philosophy 504 00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:36,359 is pretty juvenile, 505 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:40,197 especially for a person with multiple advanced degrees. 506 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,157 It's also impossible to refute 507 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:46,703 because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. 508 00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:47,955 However... 509 00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:49,497 Dude. 510 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,333 What? I mean, if none of this is real, 511 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,043 then it really shouldn't matter, right? 512 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,420 In fact... 513 00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:56,922 - Ha. Dude! - What? 514 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,758 It's not real! None of this matters. 515 00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:02,510 Leave that on your nose for the rest of time. 516 00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,054 Fine. Point sort of taken. 517 00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:05,588 You know, in a larger sense, 518 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:08,058 if you go around acting like no one else matters 519 00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,452 then you end up doing things like 520 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,685 knocking over cakes 521 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,812 and pushing people into pools 522 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:15,774 and just generally acting like a jerk. 523 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,777 Why not treat them better just in case they're real? 524 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:21,572 I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people 525 00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:23,449 with kindness and respect? 526 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,200 Okay, keep talking, 527 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:29,455 probably fake, but maybe real, philosopher man. 528 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,919 Well, good news... Simone and Chidi are hitting it off. 529 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,713 I mean, I wasn't getting any use out of him as a boyfriend, 530 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,091 so why not pass him off to someone in need? 531 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:44,094 Is this what donating old bras to Goodwill feels like? 532 00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:46,221 Must've been really hard lying to Chidi like that. 533 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:49,266 That's the thing. I don't know that it was a lie. 534 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:52,561 I told him that he and Simone were soul mates. 535 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:55,355 They fell in love once before, so maybe that's the truth. 536 00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:57,733 I don't have some cosmic claim to him, 537 00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,109 and Michael was right. 538 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,985 Chidi made a huge sacrifice for us, 539 00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:03,030 and I had to make sure it was worth it. 540 00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:06,574 It's arguable that you made an even bigger sacrifice. 541 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,661 You actually have to live with this situation. 542 00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:12,122 Chidi just gets to go around blissfully 543 00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,456 unaware of what he gave up. 544 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:16,084 Yeah, but we know what he gave up. 545 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:17,961 Dat ash. 546 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,381 Come on, bud, I know you're down, 547 00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:22,776 but you can't leaving me hanging. 548 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,051 You're right. 549 00:22:24,218 --> 00:22:25,260 That is the code.