1
00:00:01,586 --> 00:00:03,514
Kids, this is
the story of the night
2
00:00:03,515 --> 00:00:05,424
Barney's life
completely fell apart.
3
00:00:06,109 --> 00:00:07,826
My life is finally perfect,
4
00:00:07,828 --> 00:00:09,744
and that is never
going to change.
5
00:00:09,746 --> 00:00:11,813
Fired up for dinner
with my mom tonight?
6
00:00:11,815 --> 00:00:13,581
Yeah. To help streamline
the rest of our lives,
7
00:00:13,583 --> 00:00:16,367
you can always assume my answer
to that question is no.
8
00:00:16,369 --> 00:00:18,336
W...
I'm pretty nervous.
9
00:00:18,338 --> 00:00:20,789
Nervous? Why?
It's just gonna be two hours
10
00:00:20,791 --> 00:00:24,092
of "I love Barney the most."
"No, I love Barney the most."
11
00:00:24,094 --> 00:00:26,294
You're right. I may not even
get a chance to talk.
12
00:00:26,296 --> 00:00:27,328
But I'm still--
13
00:00:27,330 --> 00:00:28,546
I-I don't know. I'm worried
14
00:00:28,548 --> 00:00:30,215
she won't think
I'm good enough to be engaged
15
00:00:30,217 --> 00:00:32,183
to her precious
little Love-Love.
16
00:00:32,185 --> 00:00:35,186
Okay, first of all,
it's "Wuv-Wuv."
17
00:00:35,188 --> 00:00:36,003
And second,
18
00:00:36,005 --> 00:00:37,338
don't worry.
19
00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:38,723
I'm just gonna drop off
our catering deposit,
20
00:00:38,725 --> 00:00:40,391
and then I will be there for you.
Mm.
21
00:00:40,393 --> 00:00:41,776
Okay, well,
please don't be late.
22
00:00:41,778 --> 00:00:43,061
I am counting on you tonight.
23
00:00:43,063 --> 00:00:45,230
And be careful--
that's 5,000 bucks in there.
24
00:00:45,232 --> 00:00:48,533
Uh, I think I'll be okay
walking four blocks here
25
00:00:48,535 --> 00:00:51,119
on the Upper East Side.
26
00:00:57,410 --> 00:00:59,861
Please, I swear I never talked
to the North Koreans!
27
00:00:59,863 --> 00:01:01,195
Unless you are
the North Koreans, in which case
28
00:01:01,197 --> 00:01:02,380
I never talked
to the South Koreans!
29
00:01:02,382 --> 00:01:03,998
Barney Stinson,
30
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,384
you are being
kidnapped.
31
00:01:06,386 --> 00:01:09,370
For your surprise
bachelor party!
32
00:01:11,397 --> 00:01:17,397
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x22 ♪
The Bro Mitzvah
Original Air Date on April 29, 2013
33
00:01:17,422 --> 00:01:20,422
Search for NIT158
34
00:01:24,186 --> 00:01:25,854
A kidnapping.
35
00:01:25,856 --> 00:01:26,988
Respect.
36
00:01:26,990 --> 00:01:28,239
I was secretly worried
37
00:01:28,241 --> 00:01:31,058
you might not be able
to pull off my bachelor party.
38
00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,827
Yeah, it wasn't that secret.
39
00:01:32,829 --> 00:01:35,229
You two?
Planning my bachelor party?
40
00:01:35,231 --> 00:01:37,749
Look, you seem like nice kids.
41
00:01:37,751 --> 00:01:39,667
But this is a sacred event,
42
00:01:39,669 --> 00:01:42,120
a man's rite of passage
with his bros.
43
00:01:42,122 --> 00:01:44,756
His... bro mitzvah!
44
00:01:44,758 --> 00:01:46,007
You didn't just
think of that.
45
00:01:46,009 --> 00:01:47,258
You've been saying it
for months every...
46
00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:48,593
But here's my dilemma:
47
00:01:48,595 --> 00:01:50,845
my average night is like
an average guy's bachelor party.
48
00:01:50,847 --> 00:01:52,881
So, no offense,
but if you two plan it,
49
00:01:52,883 --> 00:01:55,750
it's gonna be ordi--
why wait for it?-- nary.
50
00:01:55,752 --> 00:01:57,268
Ordinary.
51
00:01:57,270 --> 00:01:58,019
I can help.
52
00:01:58,021 --> 00:01:59,637
You?
53
00:01:59,639 --> 00:02:01,389
Look, you seem like a nice kid,
54
00:02:01,391 --> 00:02:02,357
but bros' fiancées
55
00:02:02,359 --> 00:02:03,875
cannot plan bachelor parties.
56
00:02:03,877 --> 00:02:05,426
Sorry. You two are on your own.
57
00:02:05,428 --> 00:02:07,362
And you will disappoint me.
58
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,448
But make it great, okay?
59
00:02:10,450 --> 00:02:12,734
But this is a strong start.
60
00:02:12,736 --> 00:02:15,102
The students
have become...
61
00:02:15,104 --> 00:02:17,438
the intermediate
students.
62
00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:19,941
I just have
to make one call.
63
00:02:21,544 --> 00:02:22,944
Hello.
64
00:02:22,946 --> 00:02:24,379
Robin, great news!
65
00:02:24,381 --> 00:02:26,247
I've been kidnapped
for a surprise bachelor party
66
00:02:26,249 --> 00:02:27,882
so I won't be there
at all!
67
00:02:27,884 --> 00:02:30,635
What? Barney, I-I can't
do dinner with your mom alone.
68
00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:33,421
Okay, I'll call her,
make up an excuse and cancel.
69
00:02:33,423 --> 00:02:35,423
And don't worry,
I'll take all the blame.
70
00:02:35,425 --> 00:02:37,809
Hold on.
71
00:02:37,811 --> 00:02:38,927
Hi, Wuv-Wuv.
72
00:02:38,929 --> 00:02:40,395
Hi, Momsies.
73
00:02:40,397 --> 00:02:43,348
I forgot, I'm mentoring an
underprivileged child tonight,
74
00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:46,968
and Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with you by herself,
75
00:02:46,970 --> 00:02:48,603
so we're not gonna be able to...
76
00:02:48,605 --> 00:02:49,971
Don't bother.
She's already here.
77
00:02:49,973 --> 00:02:52,240
Hold on.
78
00:02:52,242 --> 00:02:54,776
Robin? Too late.
She's already there.
79
00:02:54,778 --> 00:02:56,160
Barney, don't...
80
00:02:56,162 --> 00:02:59,080
Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with me?
81
00:02:59,082 --> 00:03:00,481
Great! We're all set then.
82
00:03:00,483 --> 00:03:02,183
Don't you leave me alone
with her. I told you...
83
00:03:02,185 --> 00:03:04,819
That problem is solved.
84
00:03:04,821 --> 00:03:06,537
So what's the plan?
85
00:03:06,539 --> 00:03:08,656
Well, you know the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?
86
00:03:08,658 --> 00:03:10,625
Yeah.
87
00:03:10,627 --> 00:03:12,543
You know the
secret penthouse
88
00:03:12,545 --> 00:03:15,329
in the top of the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?
89
00:03:15,331 --> 00:03:17,548
Yeah!
90
00:03:17,550 --> 00:03:19,384
Boom! There it is.
91
00:03:19,386 --> 00:03:21,219
Visible from our window.
92
00:03:21,221 --> 00:03:23,504
In the distance.
93
00:03:23,506 --> 00:03:24,606
Behind the refinery.
94
00:03:24,608 --> 00:03:26,391
Okay, you can't
quite see it.
95
00:03:26,393 --> 00:03:29,310
Why are we outside
Atlantic City?
96
00:03:29,312 --> 00:03:30,895
Well, we thought it was best,
97
00:03:30,897 --> 00:03:33,865
what with your weakness
for games of chance.
98
00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:35,249
Kids, Barney was addicted
99
00:03:35,251 --> 00:03:36,734
to one Chinese gambling game
100
00:03:36,736 --> 00:03:39,821
that was, well,
sort of complicated.
101
00:03:39,823 --> 00:03:40,855
But don't worry.
102
00:03:40,857 --> 00:03:42,573
Back when you were
engaged to Quinn,
103
00:03:42,575 --> 00:03:45,376
you told us everything
you wanted for tonight.
104
00:03:45,378 --> 00:03:48,329
A bachelor party is a man's...
105
00:03:48,331 --> 00:03:51,032
bro mitzvah!
106
00:03:51,034 --> 00:03:52,550
Did you just think of that?
107
00:03:52,552 --> 00:03:54,802
Totally! We can wear...
108
00:03:54,804 --> 00:03:56,804
bro-mulkes...
109
00:03:56,806 --> 00:04:00,808
spin the bro-del...
110
00:04:00,810 --> 00:04:03,344
and consult the wisdom
111
00:04:03,346 --> 00:04:06,481
of the Bro-rah.
112
00:04:06,483 --> 00:04:09,701
Written in... He-bro.
113
00:04:09,703 --> 00:04:12,020
Not at all
bro-ffensive.
114
00:04:12,022 --> 00:04:14,522
Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas--
and I'm just spitballing here--
115
00:04:14,524 --> 00:04:16,074
so take 'em or leave 'em.
116
00:04:16,076 --> 00:04:18,993
Booze, duh; cigars, duh;
strippers, duh...
117
00:04:18,995 --> 00:04:20,745
Ooh! Things should get so
crazy that at some point
118
00:04:20,747 --> 00:04:22,430
we should fear
for our lives.
119
00:04:22,432 --> 00:04:25,116
Oh, we'll fear for our lives,
all right.
120
00:04:25,118 --> 00:04:28,920
When we watch Al Gore's
An Inconvenient Truth!
121
00:04:28,922 --> 00:04:30,404
Yeah. We're
gonna pound a beer
122
00:04:30,406 --> 00:04:31,622
every time we
hear the word
123
00:04:31,624 --> 00:04:33,240
"catastrophic""
124
00:04:33,242 --> 00:04:34,909
Oh!
125
00:04:34,911 --> 00:04:36,744
Could that be...
126
00:04:36,746 --> 00:04:39,931
the next item on your list?
127
00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:42,050
Mind-blowing
entertainment,
128
00:04:42,052 --> 00:04:45,887
like a naked fire show
or a naked magic show.
129
00:04:45,889 --> 00:04:47,055
There's a good chance
our engagement
130
00:04:47,057 --> 00:04:48,139
doesn't work out, isn't there?
131
00:04:48,141 --> 00:04:48,973
Not now, honey.
132
00:04:48,975 --> 00:04:51,425
Or a naked
contortionist!
133
00:04:51,427 --> 00:04:54,645
Or... a balloon contortionist!
134
00:04:58,433 --> 00:04:59,817
Balloons.
135
00:04:59,819 --> 00:05:02,436
Not the inflatable, round,
squishy pouches
136
00:05:02,438 --> 00:05:04,122
I was hoping to see tonight.
137
00:05:05,375 --> 00:05:06,457
Hold on.
138
00:05:06,459 --> 00:05:08,109
I told you no clown.
139
00:05:08,111 --> 00:05:10,878
Well, you didn't like
the bubble guy either.
140
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:11,713
Hey, Robin.
141
00:05:11,715 --> 00:05:12,880
Did you tell your mother
142
00:05:12,882 --> 00:05:13,948
I'm a virgin?
143
00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:16,834
What? Why would you think that?
144
00:05:16,836 --> 00:05:19,220
Save yourself room for dessert.
Mmm.
145
00:05:19,222 --> 00:05:22,473
And I hear you excel
at saving yourself.
146
00:05:24,259 --> 00:05:25,927
You are so funny.
147
00:05:25,929 --> 00:05:27,345
What's gotten into you?
148
00:05:27,347 --> 00:05:30,481
Oh, that's right-- nothing ever.
149
00:05:32,484 --> 00:05:33,801
You may be nervous
150
00:05:33,803 --> 00:05:36,404
as to what goes where
on your wedding night.
151
00:05:36,406 --> 00:05:38,106
It's really simple.
152
00:05:38,108 --> 00:05:40,307
Let me show you.
153
00:05:42,477 --> 00:05:45,580
Let's start with
the fundamentals.
154
00:05:45,582 --> 00:05:47,648
Why would you
tell her I'm a virgin?
155
00:05:47,650 --> 00:05:48,583
I panicked.
156
00:05:48,585 --> 00:05:50,317
Look, I really want her
to like you,
157
00:05:50,319 --> 00:05:52,203
so just go with it, okay? Okay!
158
00:05:52,205 --> 00:05:54,122
Listen, Wuv-Wuv,
you better get your ass back...
159
00:05:56,159 --> 00:05:57,508
Another guest?
160
00:05:57,510 --> 00:06:00,161
Who could this be?
161
00:06:00,879 --> 00:06:01,929
Why, it's Lily!
162
00:06:01,931 --> 00:06:03,164
And she's here
to deliver
163
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:04,182
one of your requests!
164
00:06:04,184 --> 00:06:06,467
Oh, thank you,
Marshall.
165
00:06:06,469 --> 00:06:07,769
Oh, not that one.
166
00:06:07,771 --> 00:06:10,471
An appearance by
my all-time idol,
167
00:06:10,473 --> 00:06:12,523
the Karate Kid!
168
00:06:12,525 --> 00:06:14,508
The Karate Kid
was an uplifting '80s classic
169
00:06:14,510 --> 00:06:16,644
about a teen,
played by Ralph Macchio,
170
00:06:16,646 --> 00:06:19,864
who defeats the local jerk,
played by William Zabka.
171
00:06:19,866 --> 00:06:22,233
At least, that's how
most people saw it.
172
00:06:22,235 --> 00:06:24,152
Here he is, just as hot
173
00:06:24,154 --> 00:06:27,622
as when his Tiger Beat
photo spread gave a young girl
174
00:06:27,624 --> 00:06:28,823
the courage to explore
175
00:06:28,825 --> 00:06:31,209
the suddenly unfamiliar
topography
176
00:06:31,211 --> 00:06:33,744
of her changing body...
177
00:06:33,746 --> 00:06:37,165
the Karate Kid!
178
00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:38,466
Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.
179
00:06:38,468 --> 00:06:39,801
Listen,
it's always flattering...
180
00:06:39,803 --> 00:06:41,052
No!
181
00:06:41,970 --> 00:06:43,370
I hate Ralph Macchio!
182
00:06:43,372 --> 00:06:45,673
I hate him, hate him, hate him!
183
00:06:45,675 --> 00:06:47,708
He is not the Karate Kid!
184
00:06:47,710 --> 00:06:49,894
The Karate Kid
was William Zabka,
185
00:06:49,896 --> 00:06:52,563
star pupil
of the Cobra Kai Dojo,
186
00:06:52,565 --> 00:06:54,098
who this monster
187
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:55,099
defeated
with a cheap,
188
00:06:55,101 --> 00:06:57,384
illegal head-kick
189
00:06:57,386 --> 00:07:02,607
in the most tragically haunting
film ending of all time.
190
00:07:02,609 --> 00:07:05,660
Oh, see, I thought
you meant fun-crazy.
191
00:07:05,662 --> 00:07:07,228
Shut it, Ralph Macchio.
192
00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:09,280
Why don't you go have
a party with Luke Skywalker
193
00:07:09,282 --> 00:07:12,900
and Harry Potter and War Horse
and all the other movie bad guys
194
00:07:12,902 --> 00:07:16,037
and stop ruining mine!
195
00:07:16,039 --> 00:07:18,572
This night has been
catastrophic.
196
00:07:18,574 --> 00:07:21,242
"Catastrophic"!
Everybody pound.
197
00:07:22,177 --> 00:07:23,261
Sorry, bro.
198
00:07:23,263 --> 00:07:24,212
I'm staying.
199
00:07:24,214 --> 00:07:25,630
If this is anything
200
00:07:25,632 --> 00:07:27,248
like my bachelor party--
strippers, booze,
201
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:28,766
definitely no hand stuff--
wink-wink--
202
00:07:28,768 --> 00:07:32,520
it is gonna be in--
wait for it-- credible.
203
00:07:32,522 --> 00:07:33,554
Incredible!
204
00:07:33,556 --> 00:07:34,472
Wow.
205
00:07:34,474 --> 00:07:36,090
You guys are
actually a lot alike.
206
00:07:36,092 --> 00:07:37,141
You take that back, sir!
207
00:07:37,143 --> 00:07:40,928
I am nothing like
Ralph Macchio!
208
00:07:40,930 --> 00:07:43,814
I mean, did you guys
even get a stripper?
209
00:07:43,816 --> 00:07:44,982
Bro.
210
00:07:44,984 --> 00:07:46,234
Bro.
211
00:07:46,236 --> 00:07:47,935
Of course we
got a stripper.
212
00:07:47,937 --> 00:07:50,037
Do we look like
the kind of dweebs
213
00:07:50,039 --> 00:07:51,956
who wouldn't get a stripper?
214
00:07:53,943 --> 00:07:54,959
And as the saying goes,
215
00:07:54,961 --> 00:07:56,577
what happens in
the sensibly-priced
216
00:07:56,579 --> 00:07:58,779
business hotel outside
Atlantic City stays
217
00:07:58,781 --> 00:08:01,782
in the sensibly-priced business
hotel outside Atlantic City.
218
00:08:03,618 --> 00:08:05,119
Who is it?
219
00:08:05,121 --> 00:08:07,288
Police. We got
a noise complaint from...
220
00:08:07,290 --> 00:08:10,341
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can tell it's dead in there.
221
00:08:10,343 --> 00:08:12,510
I'm the stripper!
222
00:08:14,462 --> 00:08:16,430
Barney?
223
00:08:16,432 --> 00:08:17,765
Quinn?
224
00:08:23,846 --> 00:08:26,874
This is your bachelor party?
You're engaged again,
225
00:08:26,875 --> 00:08:29,159
less than a year
after we broke up?
226
00:08:29,161 --> 00:08:30,945
Is it Robin?
227
00:08:30,947 --> 00:08:32,129
Now, hold on.
228
00:08:32,131 --> 00:08:35,399
You're not the only one
with questions here.
229
00:08:35,401 --> 00:08:37,751
You didn't vet the stripper?!
230
00:08:38,620 --> 00:08:39,803
Well, I'm glad
you're so happy.
231
00:08:39,805 --> 00:08:42,089
After we broke up,
I had to move out of the city,
232
00:08:42,091 --> 00:08:44,291
my car got totaled,
and I had to go back
233
00:08:44,293 --> 00:08:45,626
to stripping just to pay rent.
234
00:08:45,628 --> 00:08:49,396
It's like everywhere I look,
my life is a dead-end.
235
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:51,482
Wow.
236
00:08:51,484 --> 00:08:54,801
I am... I'm so
sorry, Quinn.
237
00:08:54,803 --> 00:08:56,136
So, how does this work?
238
00:08:56,138 --> 00:08:58,322
Do you give me a private
show, or does everyone...?
239
00:08:58,324 --> 00:09:00,691
I am not stripping for you.
240
00:09:00,693 --> 00:09:02,476
Whoa, whoa! I was
promised boobs.
241
00:09:02,478 --> 00:09:03,611
Oh, Ralph,
if you want, I can...
242
00:09:03,613 --> 00:09:05,162
Lily.
243
00:09:05,164 --> 00:09:05,979
Is that the Karate Kid?
244
00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:06,830
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
245
00:09:06,832 --> 00:09:07,781
No!
246
00:09:07,783 --> 00:09:08,832
He's a lot like
Barney, huh?
247
00:09:08,834 --> 00:09:10,367
You take
that back, madam.
248
00:09:10,369 --> 00:09:12,953
I am nothing
like Ralph Macchio!
249
00:09:12,955 --> 00:09:14,255
Okay, okay.
250
00:09:14,257 --> 00:09:15,339
I'll tell you what.
251
00:09:15,341 --> 00:09:17,625
I am going to strip
for everyone here
252
00:09:17,627 --> 00:09:20,127
except Barney.
253
00:09:20,129 --> 00:09:22,263
And I'm gonna make it dirty.
254
00:09:22,265 --> 00:09:25,049
Yeah, um, I'm the bachelor.
255
00:09:25,051 --> 00:09:27,685
Kind of no stripping
without the lap of honor.
256
00:09:27,687 --> 00:09:29,336
Back me up, bros.
257
00:09:33,192 --> 00:09:34,441
How'd you even do that?
258
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,176
- What the...?!
- Oh, my God, yeah!
259
00:09:36,178 --> 00:09:37,695
Hey, Robin.
260
00:09:37,697 --> 00:09:39,846
Hey, sweetie, having fun
at your bachelor party?
261
00:09:39,848 --> 00:09:42,650
No.
Good, 'cause my night's been hell!
262
00:09:42,652 --> 00:09:45,286
And that's the inverted
chimney sweep,
263
00:09:45,288 --> 00:09:48,238
the last of the 17 basic
sexual positions.
264
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:49,406
Now, bondage...
265
00:09:49,408 --> 00:09:51,525
Stop! I'm not a virgin!
266
00:09:51,527 --> 00:09:53,661
My napkin ring has seen
plenty of breadsticks.
267
00:09:54,162 --> 00:09:56,046
And one baguette.
268
00:09:56,048 --> 00:09:57,665
I dated a center for the Knicks.
269
00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:00,384
Oh, thank God
you're not a prude.
270
00:10:00,386 --> 00:10:02,536
Now we can really talk.
271
00:10:02,538 --> 00:10:04,705
Four cosmos, pronto!
272
00:10:04,707 --> 00:10:06,006
Now she's drunk,
273
00:10:06,008 --> 00:10:08,309
holding up a napkin ring
and three breadsticks,
274
00:10:08,311 --> 00:10:10,928
and talking about her night
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
275
00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:13,180
Waiter, can I have
another breadstick?
276
00:10:13,182 --> 00:10:14,148
And Young.
277
00:10:14,150 --> 00:10:15,733
Please come back.
278
00:10:15,735 --> 00:10:17,651
Okay.
279
00:10:17,653 --> 00:10:20,321
I'll be there soon.
280
00:10:20,323 --> 00:10:21,689
Real nice.
So beautiful.
281
00:10:21,691 --> 00:10:23,273
I think we really did it.
I think we did it, you know?
282
00:10:23,275 --> 00:10:25,359
You didn't miss a thing.
283
00:10:25,361 --> 00:10:26,744
Oh, Quinn?
Yeah?
284
00:10:26,746 --> 00:10:29,913
You got a little...
something.
285
00:10:29,915 --> 00:10:32,082
Oh! Oh.
286
00:10:36,038 --> 00:10:37,404
Let's head back, guys.
287
00:10:37,406 --> 00:10:39,740
This night has been
completely half-assed.
288
00:10:39,742 --> 00:10:41,074
You obviously missed
the strip show.
289
00:10:41,076 --> 00:10:42,743
Hey-oh!
290
00:10:42,745 --> 00:10:45,095
Ted, this was my bachelor party.
291
00:10:45,097 --> 00:10:48,549
A man only gets two or three
of these in his lifetime.
292
00:10:48,551 --> 00:10:50,751
And this is all you do for me?
293
00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:52,686
That's it, I'm calling it.
294
00:10:52,688 --> 00:10:54,938
Who needs a ride back
to the city?
295
00:10:56,691 --> 00:10:57,641
Oh.
296
00:10:57,643 --> 00:10:59,693
Oh, guys, wait,
hold on, hold on.
297
00:11:01,429 --> 00:11:02,763
Drinking.
298
00:11:03,431 --> 00:11:04,365
A shot.
299
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,100
Shooting.
300
00:11:07,102 --> 00:11:08,202
A gun.
301
00:11:09,204 --> 00:11:10,571
Shot, gun.
302
00:11:10,573 --> 00:11:11,772
Shotgun?
303
00:11:12,792 --> 00:11:15,075
Man, it's crowded
in here.
304
00:11:15,077 --> 00:11:17,795
I know,
it's like a clown car.
305
00:11:17,797 --> 00:11:20,113
Well, I can make some room
by grinding on Ralph's lap.
306
00:11:20,115 --> 00:11:21,131
ing!
307
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:22,416
I-I meant, I meant sitting.
308
00:11:22,418 --> 00:11:25,252
This is the worst
bachelor party ever.
309
00:11:25,254 --> 00:11:29,390
Man, my bachelor party
was incr-- wait for it--
310
00:11:29,392 --> 00:11:30,641
and I hope you're hungry,
311
00:11:30,643 --> 00:11:33,844
'cause the second half
of this word is-- edible!
312
00:11:33,846 --> 00:11:35,128
Incredible!
313
00:11:35,130 --> 00:11:37,231
Self-shake.
314
00:11:39,185 --> 00:11:40,634
You take that
back, clown.
315
00:11:40,636 --> 00:11:42,736
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
316
00:11:42,738 --> 00:11:43,854
Yeah.
317
00:11:43,856 --> 00:11:45,489
You've got more in
common with the clown,
318
00:11:45,491 --> 00:11:46,640
except his suit's
more expensive.
319
00:11:46,642 --> 00:11:47,641
Hey, yo!
320
00:11:48,661 --> 00:11:49,810
I mean, what kind of loser
321
00:11:49,812 --> 00:11:51,912
has his bachelor party
ten yards from A.C.
322
00:11:51,914 --> 00:11:53,614
and doesn't even gamble?
323
00:12:00,656 --> 00:12:02,489
Oh. Oh, sorry.
324
00:12:02,491 --> 00:12:05,209
Sorry. Sorry.
325
00:12:05,211 --> 00:12:07,044
Sorry.
326
00:12:07,046 --> 00:12:08,429
Oh... oh, wait.
327
00:12:08,431 --> 00:12:09,430
Just a little more.
328
00:12:09,432 --> 00:12:10,848
Okay, sorry.
329
00:12:10,850 --> 00:12:12,132
Okay.
330
00:12:14,537 --> 00:12:17,938
...bro mitzvah!
331
00:12:17,940 --> 00:12:20,023
Kids, I'll skip over
the gambling.
332
00:12:20,025 --> 00:12:22,392
Like I said, it was
a complicated game.
333
00:12:22,394 --> 00:12:24,945
Although your old man
did pick it up pretty quickly.
334
00:12:27,066 --> 00:12:28,031
Hey!
335
00:12:28,033 --> 00:12:30,067
You just won 300 bucks!
336
00:12:30,069 --> 00:12:32,436
I just lost $5,000.
337
00:12:32,438 --> 00:12:33,937
Oh, right.
'Cause the chicken.
338
00:12:33,939 --> 00:12:36,189
Yep, that-that's
$5,000, yeah.
339
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,293
See, I'm laughing
340
00:12:39,295 --> 00:12:41,161
because you couldn't see me
take my top off,
341
00:12:41,163 --> 00:12:43,497
but I just saw you lose your shirt.
Hey-yo!
342
00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:45,182
We have to go back.
343
00:12:45,184 --> 00:12:47,384
Loser!
Sorry, that was a real sneeze.
344
00:12:47,386 --> 00:12:49,887
Might have made you miss
what I was saying.
345
00:12:49,889 --> 00:12:50,921
Loser!
346
00:12:50,923 --> 00:12:52,539
Loser.
347
00:12:52,541 --> 00:12:54,207
We're not going anywhere.
348
00:12:54,209 --> 00:12:57,377
I can still make
this night legendary.
349
00:12:57,379 --> 00:12:59,396
Uh, uh...
350
00:13:01,484 --> 00:13:03,216
Oh, oh.
351
00:13:03,218 --> 00:13:05,853
Okay, I got some credit.
352
00:13:05,855 --> 00:13:07,721
I just... mm...
353
00:13:07,723 --> 00:13:09,273
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?
354
00:13:09,275 --> 00:13:10,808
Oh, sure.
355
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:17,230
Okay, okay.
356
00:13:24,173 --> 00:13:26,907
Oh! Oh!
357
00:13:26,909 --> 00:13:29,877
You crazy son of a bitch,
you did it!
358
00:13:29,879 --> 00:13:32,596
I just lost $80,000.
359
00:13:32,598 --> 00:13:34,348
Oh, right, right, yeah.
'Cause the black jelly bean.
360
00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:35,682
That-That's $80,000.
He's right.
361
00:13:37,469 --> 00:13:39,937
You know, Ralph,
362
00:13:39,939 --> 00:13:43,924
earlier at the salon, I
waxed on, then waxed off.
363
00:13:43,926 --> 00:13:45,759
Everywhere.
364
00:13:45,761 --> 00:13:48,862
Uh, listen, lady,
your husband is, like...
365
00:13:48,864 --> 00:13:51,148
Hey, where is
your husband?
366
00:13:51,150 --> 00:13:52,282
Marshall?
367
00:13:52,284 --> 00:13:53,567
Where's Marshall?!
368
00:13:53,569 --> 00:13:57,371
Okay, Lily,
don't overreact, but...
369
00:14:00,875 --> 00:14:02,075
Oh, oh.
370
00:14:02,077 --> 00:14:04,294
Okay, I got some credit.
371
00:14:04,296 --> 00:14:06,413
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?
372
00:14:06,415 --> 00:14:08,582
Oh, sure.
373
00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:14,338
You sold my husband?!
374
00:14:14,340 --> 00:14:16,390
Lily, can you be more like
the Chinese mobster
375
00:14:16,392 --> 00:14:17,791
and give me some credit?
376
00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:21,061
I'm going back for Marshall;
I just need to get some money.
377
00:14:21,063 --> 00:14:24,097
You have nothing to worry about;
these are the "good" mobsters.
378
00:14:24,099 --> 00:14:26,733
Wow, what kind of bozo
does that to a friend?
379
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:29,353
Shut it, Ralph Macchio!
380
00:14:29,355 --> 00:14:30,437
No, you shut it!
381
00:14:30,439 --> 00:14:33,857
Ralph Macchio's right,
you are a bozo.
382
00:14:33,859 --> 00:14:36,026
Um, I think they prefer
"people of bright color."
383
00:14:36,028 --> 00:14:37,644
You know what
a bachelor party's about?
384
00:14:37,646 --> 00:14:40,163
Hanging out with your friends
and having a good time.
385
00:14:40,165 --> 00:14:43,200
But you only care about
the good time, not the friends.
386
00:14:43,202 --> 00:14:44,317
So you know what?
387
00:14:44,319 --> 00:14:46,503
I'm-I'm done
caring about you then.
388
00:14:46,505 --> 00:14:47,988
I'm out of here.
389
00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:49,289
Ted...
390
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,377
Ted, Ted, I have...
391
00:14:53,379 --> 00:14:55,846
I just tore your mom away
from a living version
392
00:14:55,848 --> 00:14:58,932
of a Nick Nolte mug shot
and put her in a cab home.
393
00:14:58,934 --> 00:15:00,500
Thank you for abandoning me
394
00:15:00,502 --> 00:15:03,270
on what has been one of
the worst nights of my life.
395
00:15:03,272 --> 00:15:05,672
So, it's my usual fee,
plus I always charge
396
00:15:05,674 --> 00:15:08,058
an extra hundred for
girl-on-clown action.
397
00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:10,477
What the hell
is she doing here?
398
00:15:10,479 --> 00:15:12,646
Robin, I swear,
nothing happened.
399
00:15:12,648 --> 00:15:14,398
That means just hand stuff.
400
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,533
You...!
Oh!
401
00:15:16,535 --> 00:15:20,370
No, no, stop, stop, stop!
402
00:15:20,372 --> 00:15:21,455
Sorry, Barney,
403
00:15:21,457 --> 00:15:25,375
this... this-this is
unforgivable.
404
00:15:25,377 --> 00:15:26,827
It's over.
405
00:15:29,047 --> 00:15:31,581
You know...
406
00:15:31,583 --> 00:15:33,533
I never got to do that.
407
00:15:43,145 --> 00:15:44,711
Ted?
408
00:15:44,713 --> 00:15:46,513
Robin.
409
00:15:46,515 --> 00:15:49,316
We're right on schedule.
410
00:15:53,073 --> 00:15:55,164
Barney is suicidal.
I know, it's awesome!
411
00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:57,888
Yep, kids, we had planned out
412
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,256
every step of the night.
413
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:01,291
It started three weeks earlier.
414
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,310
...and you will disappoint me.
415
00:16:04,312 --> 00:16:06,430
But make it great, okay?
416
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:08,482
Oh, it'll be great,
all right!
417
00:16:08,484 --> 00:16:10,367
Okay, after two weeks
of brainstorming,
418
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:12,819
all I have on my list
so far is Purell.
419
00:16:12,821 --> 00:16:14,354
Marshall, what
do you got?
420
00:16:14,356 --> 00:16:16,606
Well, nothing now.
421
00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:18,125
This is impossible!
422
00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:20,243
How do you make something
memorable for a guy
423
00:16:20,245 --> 00:16:22,496
who makes every night
the best night of his life?
424
00:16:22,498 --> 00:16:25,899
Give him the worst night
of his life.
425
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:29,870
We'll give him
the worst hotel room
426
00:16:29,872 --> 00:16:31,654
with the worst entertainment,
427
00:16:31,656 --> 00:16:33,590
the wrong Karate Kid,
428
00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:36,826
and the absolute last stripper
he would want to see.
429
00:16:36,828 --> 00:16:38,011
Hold on.
430
00:16:38,013 --> 00:16:40,263
You want me to pretend
my life's gone to crap
431
00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:42,832
and I'm back to stripping
just screw with my ex-fiancé?
432
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:44,601
I love it!
433
00:16:45,753 --> 00:16:48,472
That party will be so terrible,
he'll have to leave it.
434
00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:52,175
Then I'll instruct
his arch-nemesis to say...
435
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:54,528
I mean, what kind of loser
has his bachelor party
436
00:16:54,530 --> 00:16:57,030
ten yards from A.C.
and doesn't even gamble?
437
00:16:57,032 --> 00:16:59,366
Barney will take
the envelope of cash I gave him
438
00:16:59,368 --> 00:17:01,735
and head straight
into our trap.
439
00:17:01,737 --> 00:17:02,886
Hold on.
440
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:04,988
You want us to rig a casino game
441
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:07,073
to trick one of
our former high rollers?
442
00:17:07,075 --> 00:17:08,909
Um...
443
00:17:08,911 --> 00:17:09,743
I love it.
444
00:17:09,745 --> 00:17:11,378
Well, then
you get Barney
445
00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:13,696
to use one of these
guys as collateral.
446
00:17:13,698 --> 00:17:15,365
He'll probably choose me.
What?
447
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,716
Well, I'd be worth more.
448
00:17:16,718 --> 00:17:18,435
Yeah. Perfect teeth.
449
00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:19,837
Yeah, it's just, uh,
450
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:21,555
just I'm way more athletic
than you.
451
00:17:21,557 --> 00:17:22,889
Yeah, this coming
from the guy
452
00:17:22,891 --> 00:17:24,891
who's never beaten me
at skee-ball.
453
00:17:24,893 --> 00:17:27,010
The only reason a mobster
might choose you is because
454
00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:29,379
they'd be afraid I'd go all
"Marshall Unchained" on them,
455
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,881
which obviously isn't
a risk with you.
456
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,900
Oh, you want to see
some "Ted Unchained," huh?
457
00:17:33,902 --> 00:17:35,735
I'll show you Ted Unchained!
458
00:17:36,737 --> 00:17:37,854
Marshall, would you mind
459
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,389
standing over there
for good luck?
460
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,158
Oh, yeah, sure.
461
00:17:45,279 --> 00:17:46,663
Meanwhile, I'll make sure
462
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:49,666
he's abandoned me
in my nightmare scenario.
463
00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:52,953
Hold on. You want me to
help you trick my own son?
464
00:17:53,955 --> 00:17:55,121
I love it.
465
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,007
Barney deserves it.
466
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,209
You know, he told me
you were a virgin.
467
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:00,961
Ridiculous!
468
00:18:00,963 --> 00:18:02,012
I know.
469
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:05,465
You are a dirty ho-bag
just like me.
470
00:18:06,184 --> 00:18:07,750
But he loves you so much.
471
00:18:07,752 --> 00:18:08,802
And so do I.
472
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,089
Wait, hold on.
Is there any chance
473
00:18:13,091 --> 00:18:16,142
this is all too
mean to Barney?
474
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:20,830
Just kidding.
475
00:18:20,832 --> 00:18:22,649
Okay, we just need
the finale.
476
00:18:22,651 --> 00:18:24,818
Oh! The Chinese mobsters
chop off my hand
477
00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:26,369
right in front of Barney!
478
00:18:27,205 --> 00:18:29,406
Yes, we're all
equally enthused!
479
00:18:31,542 --> 00:18:33,543
Okay, here's the plan.
After I storm off...
480
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,378
Barney!
481
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,464
Barney, hurry!
Give them the money!
482
00:18:37,466 --> 00:18:39,332
Please, hurry!
Oh, no!
483
00:18:39,334 --> 00:18:41,301
The Chinese mobster
is giving Marshall back
484
00:18:41,303 --> 00:18:42,886
and taking me hostage instead,
485
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:45,622
because he says
I'm obviously more valuable!
486
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,507
Can you, can you
unlock the door?
487
00:18:47,509 --> 00:18:48,558
Barney, please!
488
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,260
They're gonna
chop off my hand!
489
00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:51,294
No, they're not!
490
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:52,795
They said you're free,
and I think
491
00:18:52,797 --> 00:18:54,898
we agreed that's not
something mobsters would do.
492
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,733
Ted, come on!
This is my thing!
493
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:57,901
Don't hurt him.
494
00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:59,069
I've got the money.
495
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,487
Too late!
496
00:19:03,441 --> 00:19:05,525
Not my skee-ball hand!
497
00:19:06,477 --> 00:19:08,194
No...!
No...!
498
00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:09,563
No!
499
00:19:11,315 --> 00:19:13,816
Please, just don't shoot me
in the face... or the crotch!
500
00:19:13,818 --> 00:19:16,169
Surprise!
501
00:19:16,171 --> 00:19:18,705
What's going on?
502
00:19:18,707 --> 00:19:20,206
Well, we decided to give you
503
00:19:20,208 --> 00:19:22,592
everything you wanted
for your bachelor party
504
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:24,661
without you even realizing it.
505
00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:29,382
Wait, so that's why you made me
think Marshall might die?
506
00:19:30,601 --> 00:19:33,169
And I'd lost all that money
and my friends hated me
507
00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:34,938
and my wedding was off?
508
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,189
You just decided
509
00:19:36,191 --> 00:19:37,724
to-to check off
510
00:19:37,726 --> 00:19:39,893
everything on this list
in the most
511
00:19:39,895 --> 00:19:42,479
twisted way imaginable?
512
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:44,864
That is awesome!
513
00:19:44,866 --> 00:19:48,034
And it was all planned
by a girl.
514
00:19:48,036 --> 00:19:49,119
Wow!
515
00:19:51,188 --> 00:19:53,623
So, Lily...
516
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:55,575
later on tonight,
you want to, um...?
517
00:19:55,577 --> 00:19:57,794
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
518
00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:00,163
That was all just
part of the act.
519
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:01,881
Y-You knew that, right?
520
00:20:02,717 --> 00:20:04,301
Yeah! Totally.
521
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:06,035
We pulled it off, right?
522
00:20:06,037 --> 00:20:07,537
Platonic shake!
523
00:20:13,577 --> 00:20:19,149
Everyone, everyone, thank you
for an incredible bro mitzvah.
524
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,233
Mazel brov!
525
00:20:20,235 --> 00:20:22,051
Mazel brov!
526
00:20:23,905 --> 00:20:26,106
Mm, oh, you didn't really get
everything on the list.
527
00:20:26,108 --> 00:20:27,073
N-No offense
528
00:20:27,075 --> 00:20:28,325
to Ralph Macchio,
529
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:30,660
but he ain't the Karate Kid.
530
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:32,612
I couldn't agree
with you more.
531
00:20:34,582 --> 00:20:37,584
You know,
they almost didn't get me.
532
00:20:39,337 --> 00:20:43,289
But after
18 voice mails...
533
00:20:43,291 --> 00:20:46,092
I returned Robin's call.
534
00:20:46,094 --> 00:20:47,460
And she told me
535
00:20:47,462 --> 00:20:50,347
how you're one of the
few people in the world
536
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:52,599
who truly gets
The Karate Kid movie.
537
00:20:53,751 --> 00:20:57,437
So when she asked if I'd help,
538
00:20:57,439 --> 00:20:59,856
well, my answer
just had to be...
539
00:21:02,026 --> 00:21:03,810
Hai!
540
00:21:04,352 --> 00:21:06,652
William Zabka!
541
00:21:06,654 --> 00:21:10,754
== sync, corrected by elderman ==