1 00:00:00,093 --> 00:00:04,010 ("Are You Being Served Theme") 2 00:00:05,641 --> 00:00:08,473 ♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods 3 00:00:08,473 --> 00:00:11,102 ♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food 4 00:00:11,102 --> 00:00:13,352 ♫ Going up 5 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:21,194 ♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits ♫ 6 00:00:21,194 --> 00:00:23,320 - Thank you for your custom, madam. 7 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:24,896 If it's not rude, may I ask 8 00:00:24,896 --> 00:00:29,034 where do you want 20 pairs of tights at one go? 9 00:00:29,034 --> 00:00:31,545 - Well, a girlfriend and I are going to Italy for a holiday, 10 00:00:31,545 --> 00:00:34,107 and everywhere you go there the men grab at you. 11 00:00:34,107 --> 00:00:35,507 - No. 12 00:00:35,507 --> 00:00:38,101 Oh, I've never heard of that before. 13 00:00:38,101 --> 00:00:39,684 What part of Italy? 14 00:00:40,919 --> 00:00:41,861 - Rome. 15 00:00:41,861 --> 00:00:43,631 It's hardly safe to go in a restaurant, 16 00:00:43,631 --> 00:00:44,593 never mind the street. 17 00:00:44,593 --> 00:00:46,463 You just have to swat them like flies 18 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,079 with your handbag, and run for it. 19 00:00:48,079 --> 00:00:49,705 - No. 20 00:00:49,705 --> 00:00:53,126 - I've even been pinched in the Via Veneto. 21 00:00:53,126 --> 00:00:55,206 - No wonder you need such thick ones. 22 00:00:55,206 --> 00:00:56,721 (audience laughing) 23 00:00:56,721 --> 00:00:58,283 There's your receipt. 24 00:00:58,283 --> 00:00:59,829 Have a nice holiday. 25 00:00:59,829 --> 00:01:00,829 - Thank you. 26 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,006 - Have you thought where you're going 27 00:01:05,006 --> 00:01:06,963 for your holiday this year, Mrs. Slocombe? 28 00:01:06,963 --> 00:01:08,396 - Well, I had thought of going 29 00:01:08,396 --> 00:01:11,632 to the Isle of Wight with Mrs. Axelby. 30 00:01:11,632 --> 00:01:13,237 But on second thought, 31 00:01:13,237 --> 00:01:16,316 I might go and try to get a peep at the Pope. 32 00:01:16,316 --> 00:01:18,000 (audience laughing) 33 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,570 - But he's in Rome, and that's where them men grab you, 34 00:01:20,570 --> 00:01:22,137 and ladder your tights. 35 00:01:22,137 --> 00:01:24,917 - The pilgrim's path is never easy. 36 00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:26,638 (audience laughing) 37 00:01:26,638 --> 00:01:28,366 - Ah, good morning, Capt. Peacock. 38 00:01:28,366 --> 00:01:30,638 Not like you to be late, sir. 39 00:01:30,638 --> 00:01:31,788 - Whether I'm early or late, 40 00:01:31,788 --> 00:01:34,787 I don't expect a comment from a junior. 41 00:01:34,787 --> 00:01:36,938 - Thank you ever so much for my lift this morning. 42 00:01:36,938 --> 00:01:37,771 - Lift? 43 00:01:37,771 --> 00:01:39,637 Oh, yes. Don't mention it. 44 00:01:39,637 --> 00:01:42,598 Mind you, it was lucky that I spotted you at the bus stop. 45 00:01:42,598 --> 00:01:44,379 - You were parked there when I arrived. 46 00:01:44,379 --> 00:01:45,670 (audience laughing) 47 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,534 - I was just adjusting my seatbelt. 48 00:01:47,534 --> 00:01:49,217 - Oh, did you have the same problem 49 00:01:49,217 --> 00:01:51,677 with yours that you had with mine? 50 00:01:51,677 --> 00:01:53,656 We had ever such a struggle. 51 00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:58,129 - Of course, you and Mrs. Peacock are different sizes. 52 00:01:58,129 --> 00:02:01,801 Which is why I expect Capt. Peacock had such a struggle. 53 00:02:01,801 --> 00:02:04,202 - Don't let me forget to pay toward my breakfast. 54 00:02:04,202 --> 00:02:06,063 - No, no, no, no, it was only a snack. 55 00:02:06,063 --> 00:02:07,413 - Well, that's very kind of you. 56 00:02:07,413 --> 00:02:08,489 - It was nothing. 57 00:02:08,489 --> 00:02:10,282 - For you maybe, but it's the first time 58 00:02:10,282 --> 00:02:12,418 that I've ever been to the Ritz. 59 00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:13,824 (audience laughing) 60 00:02:13,824 --> 00:02:15,147 - The Ritz? 61 00:02:15,147 --> 00:02:16,599 - Pass me the signing-in book. 62 00:02:16,599 --> 00:02:17,516 - Yes, sir. 63 00:02:21,974 --> 00:02:23,400 - And get on with your work. 64 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,317 - Yes, sir. 65 00:02:27,962 --> 00:02:30,180 Oh dear, you've left the 10 off, sir. 66 00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:31,144 - What do you mean? 67 00:02:31,144 --> 00:02:32,361 - Well, it's 10 past nine. 68 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,594 You've put under arrival 9 a.m. 69 00:02:34,594 --> 00:02:36,370 Shall I put it in for you, sir? 70 00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:38,078 - If you're not very careful, Mr. Spooner, 71 00:02:38,078 --> 00:02:39,625 I shall put it in for you. 72 00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:41,047 (audience laughing) 73 00:02:41,047 --> 00:02:42,169 Now, where's Mr. Humphries? 74 00:02:42,169 --> 00:02:43,598 - Oh, he had an early customer, sir. 75 00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:45,935 He wanted a golf club to go with a cap he bought. 76 00:02:45,935 --> 00:02:47,514 So, Mr. Humphries has taken him up to sports, 77 00:02:47,514 --> 00:02:49,671 so that he can put it all on the same bill. 78 00:02:49,671 --> 00:02:51,219 - Oh, very well. Carry on. 79 00:02:51,219 --> 00:02:53,502 - Oh, you're asking for trouble, Mr. Spooner. 80 00:02:53,502 --> 00:02:56,169 You know very well that Mr. Humphries isn't in yet. 81 00:02:56,169 --> 00:02:57,803 - Don't worry, I forged his name in the book. 82 00:02:57,803 --> 00:02:58,913 He'll be here in a minute. 83 00:02:58,913 --> 00:03:00,010 - What's the matter with him? 84 00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:02,254 This is the third morning he's been late. 85 00:03:02,254 --> 00:03:04,670 He's not been at all himself lately. 86 00:03:04,670 --> 00:03:06,059 - Well, when he appears at the top of the stairs 87 00:03:06,059 --> 00:03:08,204 try and distract old Peacock's attention. 88 00:03:08,204 --> 00:03:09,856 Otherwise I'll be in the soup with him. 89 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,022 - Right. 90 00:03:11,022 --> 00:03:12,551 - Mrs. Slocombe, 91 00:03:12,551 --> 00:03:14,369 as a senior salesperson you should know 92 00:03:14,369 --> 00:03:16,080 that your sales area does not extend 93 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,755 passed the center display stand. 94 00:03:17,755 --> 00:03:18,641 - Capt. Peacock-- 95 00:03:18,641 --> 00:03:19,808 - And I trust you're not going 96 00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,000 to make a belligerent remark, 97 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,555 as I'm in no mood to bandy words with you. 98 00:03:23,555 --> 00:03:25,238 - No, Capt. Peacock. 99 00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:27,571 I just came to borrow a pen. 100 00:03:28,535 --> 00:03:30,155 - Have mine. 101 00:03:30,155 --> 00:03:31,786 - Thank you. 102 00:03:31,786 --> 00:03:33,159 Now, where are we? 103 00:03:33,159 --> 00:03:34,999 Oh yes, Capt. Peacock. 104 00:03:34,999 --> 00:03:36,082 10 past nine. 105 00:03:36,943 --> 00:03:40,234 (audience laughing) 106 00:03:40,234 --> 00:03:41,928 - He'll have it in for you doing that. 107 00:03:41,928 --> 00:03:44,080 - Well, he's just like a dictator. 108 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,859 If he was in South America, 109 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:49,258 he'd have been overthrown by now. 110 00:03:49,258 --> 00:03:50,244 - I can see it now. 111 00:03:50,244 --> 00:03:53,214 Evita Slocombe takes over. 112 00:03:53,214 --> 00:03:54,128 Hey, come to think of it, 113 00:03:54,128 --> 00:03:55,519 there is a slight family resemblance. 114 00:03:55,519 --> 00:03:58,032 - I don't look anything like Eva Peron. 115 00:03:58,032 --> 00:04:00,861 - No, not to her to her old man. 116 00:04:00,861 --> 00:04:02,207 - Get that basket off the floor, 117 00:04:02,207 --> 00:04:05,012 or you'll cop it from Capt. Peacock. 118 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,731 - Not half as much as Mr. Humphries will. 119 00:04:06,731 --> 00:04:10,004 Look, he's trying to creep in. 120 00:04:10,004 --> 00:04:14,004 - Oh, oh goodness me my suspender's come undone. 121 00:04:14,882 --> 00:04:17,882 (audience laughing) 122 00:04:19,328 --> 00:04:21,495 You have a go Miss Brahms. 123 00:04:23,310 --> 00:04:26,060 - Oh gosh, my suspender has gone. 124 00:04:31,366 --> 00:04:32,894 - You're not wearing suspenders. 125 00:04:32,894 --> 00:04:34,485 - That's what I mean, they've gone. 126 00:04:34,485 --> 00:04:36,983 - Oh get back behind your counter. 127 00:04:36,983 --> 00:04:39,400 And Harman get off the floor. 128 00:04:43,628 --> 00:04:46,628 (audience laughing) 129 00:04:59,705 --> 00:05:01,701 Mr. Humphries, are you free? 130 00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:02,618 - I'm free. 131 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,489 - Why is this dummy suddenly wearing 132 00:05:07,489 --> 00:05:10,159 a hat and coat, and carrying a suitcase? 133 00:05:10,159 --> 00:05:11,977 - Dummies often wear hats and coats, 134 00:05:11,977 --> 00:05:13,467 and carry suitcases. 135 00:05:13,467 --> 00:05:15,919 It suggests to the customer travel. 136 00:05:15,919 --> 00:05:17,835 - Then, this one must be expecting a long journey, 137 00:05:17,835 --> 00:05:20,657 he has a half-eaten sandwich in his pocket. 138 00:05:20,657 --> 00:05:24,324 And the bite shows a gap in the front teeth. 139 00:05:25,608 --> 00:05:28,266 While the suitcase has the initials W.C.H., 140 00:05:28,266 --> 00:05:30,241 which point to one very obvious fact that you, 141 00:05:30,241 --> 00:05:32,245 Mr. Humphries, are late again. 142 00:05:32,245 --> 00:05:33,479 And to make matters worse, 143 00:05:33,479 --> 00:05:36,766 you persuaded Mr. Spooner to perjure himself on your behalf. 144 00:05:36,766 --> 00:05:38,610 In fact, your whole behavior these past few days 145 00:05:38,610 --> 00:05:40,011 has been most peculiar. 146 00:05:40,011 --> 00:05:41,761 What have you to say? 147 00:05:42,679 --> 00:05:44,929 (mumbling) 148 00:05:47,489 --> 00:05:49,257 What are you trying to say? 149 00:05:49,257 --> 00:05:50,575 - It's his mother. 150 00:05:50,575 --> 00:05:52,106 (mumbling) 151 00:05:52,106 --> 00:05:53,513 They've had a tiff. 152 00:05:53,513 --> 00:05:54,502 (mumbling) 153 00:05:54,502 --> 00:05:55,783 It's a very personal matter. 154 00:05:55,783 --> 00:05:56,916 (mumbling) 155 00:05:56,916 --> 00:05:58,537 He's had to pack his bag and leave home. 156 00:05:58,537 --> 00:06:00,787 (mumbling) 157 00:06:02,109 --> 00:06:03,282 He's sorry he was late, 158 00:06:03,282 --> 00:06:04,436 and he was the one that put me up 159 00:06:04,436 --> 00:06:05,515 to putting his name in the book, 160 00:06:05,515 --> 00:06:06,889 and saying he was with a customer. 161 00:06:06,889 --> 00:06:08,636 - You little fibber that was your idea. 162 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:09,719 (audience laughing) 163 00:06:09,719 --> 00:06:11,341 - If you'd only come to me in the first place, 164 00:06:11,341 --> 00:06:12,835 and taken me aside, 165 00:06:12,835 --> 00:06:15,011 and told me that you had personal problems, 166 00:06:15,011 --> 00:06:17,056 I would've understood. 167 00:06:17,056 --> 00:06:18,694 I am not unapproachable. 168 00:06:18,694 --> 00:06:21,045 And after all, we have been acquaintances 169 00:06:21,045 --> 00:06:22,812 for quite some time. 170 00:06:22,812 --> 00:06:25,586 Now, come along. Stand up like a man. 171 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,128 Or as near as you can get to it. 172 00:06:27,128 --> 00:06:28,614 (audience laughing) 173 00:06:28,614 --> 00:06:30,495 Pretend that none of this happened. 174 00:06:30,495 --> 00:06:32,375 - Thank you, Capt. Peacock. 175 00:06:32,375 --> 00:06:33,864 It's not like me to go to pieces, 176 00:06:33,864 --> 00:06:36,775 but I've been under a great deal of strain, recently. 177 00:06:36,775 --> 00:06:38,784 - The matter is finished. 178 00:06:38,784 --> 00:06:40,567 - I'll go and hang these up. 179 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,828 (clearing throat) 180 00:06:42,828 --> 00:06:45,828 (audience laughing) 181 00:06:47,544 --> 00:06:49,178 - Oh, poor Mr. Humphries. 182 00:06:49,178 --> 00:06:51,109 No wonder he's been looking pale. 183 00:06:51,109 --> 00:06:52,828 He loves his mother. 184 00:06:52,828 --> 00:06:54,899 It must've been something quite serious 185 00:06:54,899 --> 00:06:56,574 to make them fall out. 186 00:06:56,574 --> 00:06:57,934 - Well, it's about time he left home. 187 00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,672 I mean, he's over 40. 188 00:06:59,672 --> 00:07:02,898 - Well, some men take longer. 189 00:07:02,898 --> 00:07:04,934 And if ever he needs a bed, 190 00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:07,457 he can be sure of one at my home. 191 00:07:07,457 --> 00:07:08,627 - Can I help you ladies? 192 00:07:08,627 --> 00:07:11,017 - Yes, where's Mr. Humphries? 193 00:07:11,017 --> 00:07:14,458 I've got something in the pram that belongs to him. 194 00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:16,918 - Have you still got that bed at your house? 195 00:07:16,918 --> 00:07:19,266 - No wonder he's not been himself. 196 00:07:19,266 --> 00:07:20,244 - Mr. Humphries. 197 00:07:20,244 --> 00:07:21,575 - Yes, Capt. Peacock? 198 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,293 - Someone to see you. 199 00:07:23,293 --> 00:07:26,095 - It's my next-door neighbor and her daughter. 200 00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:27,805 Hello, what are you doing here? 201 00:07:27,805 --> 00:07:29,812 - I spoke to your mother this morning. 202 00:07:29,812 --> 00:07:32,253 She suggested that I should come into town, 203 00:07:32,253 --> 00:07:34,776 and leave this with you. 204 00:07:34,776 --> 00:07:37,749 - Poor man, as though he hasn't enough problems. 205 00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:39,789 - You don't think it's his, do you? 206 00:07:39,789 --> 00:07:41,800 - Oh, however I could leave it behind? 207 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,542 That little face, and those pointed ears mean a lot to me. 208 00:07:45,542 --> 00:07:46,991 - Blimey, it is his. 209 00:07:46,991 --> 00:07:47,992 (audience laughing) 210 00:07:47,992 --> 00:07:48,825 - Come on. 211 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,232 - She's been ever so upset. 212 00:07:53,232 --> 00:07:54,413 - Well, so have I. 213 00:07:54,413 --> 00:07:55,572 - Any messages? 214 00:07:55,572 --> 00:07:58,080 - Just tell her to cancel my raspberry yogurt. 215 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,272 - Very well. 216 00:07:59,272 --> 00:08:03,450 - And tell her I'm never coming home ever, ever again. 217 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:04,656 Don't worry. 218 00:08:04,656 --> 00:08:07,739 I'm not going to cry in front of you. 219 00:08:09,368 --> 00:08:10,305 (sobbing) 220 00:08:10,305 --> 00:08:11,658 (audience laughing) 221 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,183 (cash register tinging) 222 00:08:15,183 --> 00:08:18,088 - Just look at him chatting her up again. 223 00:08:18,088 --> 00:08:19,359 - I can't get over him giving her a lift, 224 00:08:19,359 --> 00:08:20,723 and breakfast at the Ritz. 225 00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:22,857 - Well, he always chats up the new girls. 226 00:08:22,857 --> 00:08:24,388 And if he looks like getting anywhere, 227 00:08:24,388 --> 00:08:27,281 he starts spending it like water. 228 00:08:27,281 --> 00:08:28,743 - Perhaps a little more wine. 229 00:08:28,743 --> 00:08:29,876 - Oh no, I'm late as it is. 230 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:31,390 I'd better get back. 231 00:08:31,390 --> 00:08:32,816 Can I pay for my lunch? 232 00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,351 - No, no, no, it was my pleasure. 233 00:08:34,351 --> 00:08:35,959 - Oh, thank you. 234 00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:37,292 - See you later. 235 00:08:41,369 --> 00:08:44,596 - He's only putting his name on it for tomorrow. 236 00:08:44,596 --> 00:08:45,514 - It's pathetic. 237 00:08:45,514 --> 00:08:47,892 A man of his age chatting up a young girl like that. 238 00:08:47,892 --> 00:08:49,069 - I quite agree. 239 00:08:49,069 --> 00:08:53,225 Mind you, when I was younger, he used to chat me up. 240 00:08:53,225 --> 00:08:55,425 But he never got anywhere. 241 00:08:55,425 --> 00:08:56,980 - Yeah, but I mean he was younger then, 242 00:08:56,980 --> 00:08:59,208 and well, you was more of an age. 243 00:08:59,208 --> 00:09:00,824 - You might not realize it, 244 00:09:00,824 --> 00:09:03,056 but when I was younger I had men 245 00:09:03,056 --> 00:09:05,063 coming out of the woodwork. 246 00:09:05,063 --> 00:09:06,795 (audience laughing) 247 00:09:06,795 --> 00:09:08,878 - She used spray on Rentokil to keep 'em off. 248 00:09:08,878 --> 00:09:11,504 (audience laughing) 249 00:09:11,504 --> 00:09:13,523 - She's a nice girl, Miss Belfridge. 250 00:09:13,523 --> 00:09:14,988 A bit lonely, of course, being new, 251 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,238 and not knowing anyone. 252 00:09:16,238 --> 00:09:17,497 - And if your wife finds out that 253 00:09:17,497 --> 00:09:19,669 you've been waiting at bus stops, 254 00:09:19,669 --> 00:09:21,900 you might be lonely too. 255 00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,326 - Now, really Mrs. Slocombe. 256 00:09:23,326 --> 00:09:25,915 I was just making Miss Belfridge feel at home. 257 00:09:25,915 --> 00:09:27,536 She happens to be a very bright girl, 258 00:09:27,536 --> 00:09:29,955 and there was nothing more to it than that. 259 00:09:29,955 --> 00:09:32,485 - Did you say to wait at the front door tonight, 260 00:09:32,485 --> 00:09:34,056 or the back? 261 00:09:34,056 --> 00:09:35,569 - The back. 262 00:09:35,569 --> 00:09:38,457 - Sorry, I forget everything. 263 00:09:38,457 --> 00:09:39,937 - Very bright. 264 00:09:39,937 --> 00:09:42,212 - No wonder he put his name on the bottle. 265 00:09:42,212 --> 00:09:43,643 - I really don't see why I can't speak 266 00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:46,970 to a member of staff without all these unnecessary comments. 267 00:09:46,970 --> 00:09:48,397 - Once you have a reputation, 268 00:09:48,397 --> 00:09:50,452 it isn't easy to lose it. 269 00:09:50,452 --> 00:09:52,439 - Reputations are built on gossip. 270 00:09:52,439 --> 00:09:54,847 I have no interest in Miss Belfridge whatsoever. 271 00:09:54,847 --> 00:09:56,136 - Well, I'm glad about that. 272 00:09:56,136 --> 00:09:58,156 'Cause she just kissing a bloke in maintenance. 273 00:09:58,156 --> 00:09:59,378 - Where? 274 00:09:59,378 --> 00:10:01,502 - Sorry, my mistake. 275 00:10:01,502 --> 00:10:03,227 - Here, where is Mr. Humphries got to? 276 00:10:03,227 --> 00:10:05,188 - Oh, he said he was going to the pub for a quick one. 277 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:07,630 - That's not like Mr. Humphries. 278 00:10:07,630 --> 00:10:10,189 - Well, he'd better hurry up 'cause dinner's nearly over. 279 00:10:10,189 --> 00:10:11,448 - Here, you'll never guess what. 280 00:10:11,448 --> 00:10:13,195 There's been a punch up down the pub. 281 00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:15,259 - Oh, but that's where Mr. Humphries is. 282 00:10:15,259 --> 00:10:16,785 - Oh, I hope he's all right. 283 00:10:16,785 --> 00:10:17,820 - He started it. 284 00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:19,730 Apparently, some geezer complained that Mr. Humphries 285 00:10:19,730 --> 00:10:20,825 kept playing the same tune 286 00:10:20,825 --> 00:10:22,818 over and over again on the jukebox. 287 00:10:22,818 --> 00:10:23,651 - What was it? 288 00:10:23,651 --> 00:10:24,997 - I do it my way. 289 00:10:24,997 --> 00:10:26,237 (audience laughing) 290 00:10:26,237 --> 00:10:27,842 Hey, look out I think he's had a few. 291 00:10:27,842 --> 00:10:30,029 - Blimey, I'd better get him a black coffee. 292 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:33,421 ♫ Who can I turn to 293 00:10:33,421 --> 00:10:36,252 ♫ When nobody needs me 294 00:10:36,252 --> 00:10:38,055 ♫ My heart wants to know 295 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,717 ♫ And so I must go 296 00:10:39,717 --> 00:10:43,195 ♫ Where destiny leads me ♫ 297 00:10:43,195 --> 00:10:45,011 - Humphries, I want you in my office immediately. 298 00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:46,282 - My word, that was quick. 299 00:10:46,282 --> 00:10:48,050 (audience laughing) 300 00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:48,955 - Have you been drinking? 301 00:10:48,955 --> 00:10:50,022 - I just went to the pub. 302 00:10:50,022 --> 00:10:51,470 I only had one. 303 00:10:51,470 --> 00:10:53,064 - You look as if you've had more than one. 304 00:10:53,064 --> 00:10:54,395 - Well, I had a leaky glass, 305 00:10:54,395 --> 00:10:56,072 and they had to keep filling it up. 306 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,849 (audience laughing) 307 00:10:57,849 --> 00:10:59,438 - There is a very serious matter 308 00:10:59,438 --> 00:11:01,864 I have to talk to you about. 309 00:11:01,864 --> 00:11:03,243 - I'm sure that what you've got to say 310 00:11:03,243 --> 00:11:05,047 can be said in front of my colleagues. 311 00:11:05,047 --> 00:11:06,113 - Here, drink this. 312 00:11:06,113 --> 00:11:07,385 - Oh, thank you. 313 00:11:07,385 --> 00:11:08,750 - Oh, very well. 314 00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,222 During the past few days, there's been a discrepancy 315 00:11:11,222 --> 00:11:14,066 in the returns from the cash till on the men's counter. 316 00:11:14,066 --> 00:11:15,485 - No. 317 00:11:15,485 --> 00:11:18,219 - Well, a pound here or there can always be a mistake, 318 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,731 one must make allowances for human error, 319 00:11:20,731 --> 00:11:22,269 but lately it's escalated, 320 00:11:22,269 --> 00:11:24,926 and I'm afraid I had to employ a covert operation 321 00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,325 to identify the miscreant. 322 00:11:26,325 --> 00:11:28,230 - You sneaky devil. 323 00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:30,369 - Last night, witnessed by my secretary, 324 00:11:30,369 --> 00:11:32,620 I put two marked five pound notes 325 00:11:32,620 --> 00:11:34,710 in the till on the men's counter. 326 00:11:34,710 --> 00:11:37,228 I have just checked the contents against sales. 327 00:11:37,228 --> 00:11:38,061 - And? 328 00:11:39,017 --> 00:11:43,030 - No sales, but the two five pound notes are missing. 329 00:11:43,030 --> 00:11:45,267 I must therefore assume that whoever's responsible 330 00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:46,989 still has them about their person. 331 00:11:46,989 --> 00:11:50,040 - You don't mean to say you suspect Mr. Humphries? 332 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,735 - I've got nothing to hide. 333 00:11:51,735 --> 00:11:53,519 Nothing at all. 334 00:11:53,519 --> 00:11:54,352 One hanky. 335 00:11:56,503 --> 00:11:57,336 My wallet. 336 00:11:59,868 --> 00:12:01,946 40 pence in change. 337 00:12:01,946 --> 00:12:02,779 And 338 00:12:05,957 --> 00:12:06,869 me lucky conker. 339 00:12:06,869 --> 00:12:09,367 (audience laughing) 340 00:12:09,367 --> 00:12:11,377 - Where are the marked notes, then? 341 00:12:11,377 --> 00:12:12,929 - They don't appear to be here. 342 00:12:12,929 --> 00:12:15,534 - In that case, I think you owe Mr. Humphries an apology. 343 00:12:15,534 --> 00:12:17,337 - Yes, I apologize. 344 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,372 I'm placed in a very difficult position. 345 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,919 Any discrepancy falls on my head. 346 00:12:21,919 --> 00:12:24,250 - Bounces off his ears. 347 00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:25,795 - Well, let's see who has the notes, 348 00:12:25,795 --> 00:12:28,224 and end this unfortunate matter once and for all. 349 00:12:28,224 --> 00:12:29,791 - Well, I'm skint. 350 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:33,399 - 35p, and a picture of Groucho Marx. 351 00:12:33,399 --> 00:12:35,686 - One 10 pound note, and five singles. 352 00:12:35,686 --> 00:12:38,242 - And a receipt for breakfast at the Ritz. 353 00:12:38,242 --> 00:12:41,159 - Three pounds and 25 and a half p. 354 00:12:44,079 --> 00:12:45,162 - 120 in 20s. 355 00:12:46,380 --> 00:12:50,111 (audience laughing) 356 00:12:50,111 --> 00:12:51,706 - It was him. 357 00:12:51,706 --> 00:12:52,786 - Last week's overtime. 358 00:12:52,786 --> 00:12:55,046 Check with accounts if you don't believe me. 359 00:12:55,046 --> 00:12:57,366 - No, no, no, no, no, it's two marked five pound notes 360 00:12:57,366 --> 00:12:59,676 we're looking for, and clearly they're not here. 361 00:12:59,676 --> 00:13:01,005 - What about Mr. Rumbold? 362 00:13:01,005 --> 00:13:02,577 He's got a key for the till. 363 00:13:02,577 --> 00:13:04,887 - Don't be ridiculous, I was the one who set the trap. 364 00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:07,221 - It's only fair, as we've had to expose 365 00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:10,722 our personal belongings that you should do the same. 366 00:13:10,722 --> 00:13:11,555 - Oh, very well. 367 00:13:11,555 --> 00:13:12,935 Examine that, Peacock. 368 00:13:12,935 --> 00:13:14,357 - If you insist, sir. 369 00:13:14,357 --> 00:13:15,190 - I do. 370 00:13:22,008 --> 00:13:24,209 - Would the mark you placed on the five pound notes 371 00:13:24,209 --> 00:13:26,826 be a cross in red ink, sir? 372 00:13:26,826 --> 00:13:28,339 - Yes, that's right. 373 00:13:28,339 --> 00:13:30,033 - In the top right hand corner? 374 00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:30,866 - Correct. 375 00:13:31,851 --> 00:13:33,396 - And this is your wallet? 376 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:34,615 - Of course. 377 00:13:34,615 --> 00:13:35,840 It's got my initials on it. 378 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,838 C.R. for Cuthbert Rumbold. 379 00:13:37,838 --> 00:13:39,086 In gold. 380 00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:42,344 - Then, I must assume that this is one of the missing notes. 381 00:13:42,344 --> 00:13:43,202 - Good heavens. 382 00:13:43,202 --> 00:13:45,945 - CR, of course, we should've guessed criminal record. 383 00:13:45,945 --> 00:13:47,459 (audience laughing) 384 00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:48,964 - Wait a minute, let me think. 385 00:13:48,964 --> 00:13:49,974 Yes, I remember. 386 00:13:49,974 --> 00:13:52,969 Miss Brahms had a personal advance from me last week, 387 00:13:52,969 --> 00:13:54,807 and paid it back this morning. 388 00:13:54,807 --> 00:13:56,659 You must remember, Miss Brahms. 389 00:13:56,659 --> 00:13:57,492 Please. 390 00:13:58,885 --> 00:14:00,692 - Oh yes, I think I do remember, 391 00:14:00,692 --> 00:14:03,398 but I got that fiver from you Mrs. Slocombe. 392 00:14:03,398 --> 00:14:07,415 - So, the arch villainess is unmasked at last. 393 00:14:07,415 --> 00:14:10,101 - Now I am forced to recall the events of the morning, 394 00:14:10,101 --> 00:14:12,499 I do remember lending Miss Brahms a fiver. 395 00:14:12,499 --> 00:14:14,957 It was one of two that I got from Capt. Peacock, 396 00:14:14,957 --> 00:14:17,548 in exchange for a tenner that I had to change 397 00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:20,290 to get a five to give to Miss Brahms. 398 00:14:20,290 --> 00:14:21,359 - I can see it now. 399 00:14:21,359 --> 00:14:23,555 Peacock in Pentonville. 400 00:14:23,555 --> 00:14:25,883 The toff tells all. 401 00:14:25,883 --> 00:14:28,043 - Before you all jump to hasty conclusions, 402 00:14:28,043 --> 00:14:30,222 those two five pound notes that I gave to Mrs. Slocombe 403 00:14:30,222 --> 00:14:31,843 were given to me by Mr. Humphries. 404 00:14:31,843 --> 00:14:33,109 Now, do you deny it? 405 00:14:33,109 --> 00:14:34,909 - No, it's perfectly true. 406 00:14:34,909 --> 00:14:36,285 I gave you two five pound notes 407 00:14:36,285 --> 00:14:38,933 out of the till in exchange for a 10 pound note. 408 00:14:38,933 --> 00:14:41,137 - Well, that accounts for one five pound note. 409 00:14:41,137 --> 00:14:42,828 - And none of us has the other. 410 00:14:42,828 --> 00:14:44,727 - Well, I'm forced to say that the finger of guilt 411 00:14:44,727 --> 00:14:46,899 did, for a time, point to your department, 412 00:14:46,899 --> 00:14:50,650 but I retract my suspicions as there's no definite proof. 413 00:14:50,650 --> 00:14:52,289 - The relief of it all. 414 00:14:52,289 --> 00:14:54,456 (sobbing) 415 00:14:55,481 --> 00:14:57,725 - He's going through a personal crisis. 416 00:14:57,725 --> 00:15:00,495 (mumbling) 417 00:15:00,495 --> 00:15:01,694 Left home. 418 00:15:01,694 --> 00:15:03,231 (mumbling) 419 00:15:03,231 --> 00:15:04,633 Nowhere to go. 420 00:15:04,633 --> 00:15:06,525 (mumbling) 421 00:15:06,525 --> 00:15:07,358 Nearly 49. 422 00:15:09,495 --> 00:15:10,700 - 45. 423 00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:12,677 (audience laughing) 424 00:15:12,677 --> 00:15:15,743 - And he's very relieved that it's all over. 425 00:15:15,743 --> 00:15:18,576 Now, come on chuck, dry your eyes. 426 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,434 - A cross on the corner. 427 00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:26,794 - Oh, it came out of your top pocket. 428 00:15:26,794 --> 00:15:30,161 - I'm afraid this is the end of a very promising career. 429 00:15:30,161 --> 00:15:31,744 - But I'm innocent. 430 00:15:32,608 --> 00:15:33,879 - It doesn't look like it. 431 00:15:33,879 --> 00:15:36,967 - You can't convict a man without a fair trial. 432 00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:38,235 - Oh, I wouldn't dream of doing so. 433 00:15:38,235 --> 00:15:40,327 We'll keep this an internal matter. 434 00:15:40,327 --> 00:15:41,954 We'll have an inquiry in the department 435 00:15:41,954 --> 00:15:43,937 before we even consider dismissal. 436 00:15:43,937 --> 00:15:45,698 So, if you wouldn't mind all waiting 437 00:15:45,698 --> 00:15:47,190 behind for five minutes after we close, 438 00:15:47,190 --> 00:15:48,194 we can settle it then. 439 00:15:48,194 --> 00:15:49,519 - Five minutes? 440 00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:50,889 - Well, it's an open and shut case, 441 00:15:50,889 --> 00:15:52,317 it shouldn't take any longer. 442 00:15:52,317 --> 00:15:54,288 - Depends who the judge is. 443 00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:56,449 - This is not a trial, Mr. Harman. 444 00:15:56,449 --> 00:15:58,959 - No, more in the nature of a kangaroo court. 445 00:15:58,959 --> 00:15:59,992 - What's that? 446 00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:01,286 - That's when they jump over the heads 447 00:16:01,286 --> 00:16:03,769 of the normal laws of justice. 448 00:16:03,769 --> 00:16:04,971 - It won't be a bit like that. 449 00:16:04,971 --> 00:16:07,654 We shall investigate every aspect of the case, 450 00:16:07,654 --> 00:16:08,834 anything that can be said 451 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,619 in Mr. Humphries' favor will be said, 452 00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:12,291 and all mitigating circumstances 453 00:16:12,291 --> 00:16:14,913 will be considered most sympathetically. 454 00:16:14,913 --> 00:16:16,314 - And then they sack him. 455 00:16:16,314 --> 00:16:17,886 (audience laughing) 456 00:16:17,886 --> 00:16:21,219 (cash register tinging) 457 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:23,894 - Mr. Harman. 458 00:16:23,894 --> 00:16:24,882 Are you ready? 459 00:16:24,882 --> 00:16:27,291 - Yes m'lord. The jury are all at their places. 460 00:16:27,291 --> 00:16:29,768 - Don't call them a jury, Mr. Harman. 461 00:16:29,768 --> 00:16:31,340 They are a committee of inquiry 462 00:16:31,340 --> 00:16:33,383 consisting of his fellow workers. 463 00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:37,015 - Excuse me, why is old Mr. Wagstaff been dragged in here? 464 00:16:37,015 --> 00:16:38,528 - Well, I always take him to the bus stop, 465 00:16:38,528 --> 00:16:40,290 so he might as well sit there while he's waiting. 466 00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:41,987 (audience laughing) 467 00:16:41,987 --> 00:16:43,454 - Oh very well. Let's get on. 468 00:16:43,454 --> 00:16:44,629 - Yes. 469 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,952 The court should like to call the prisoner to the dock 470 00:16:46,952 --> 00:16:50,923 accompanied by the defense counsel, Mrs. Betty Slocombe. 471 00:16:50,923 --> 00:16:52,597 Called to the bar at 5:30, 472 00:16:52,597 --> 00:16:54,550 only had time for one gin and tonic 473 00:16:54,550 --> 00:16:56,544 before she was called out again. 474 00:16:56,544 --> 00:16:57,926 (audience laughing) 475 00:16:57,926 --> 00:16:58,863 - What's going on? 476 00:16:58,863 --> 00:17:00,747 - Well, somebody's got to speak up for him, 477 00:17:00,747 --> 00:17:02,752 he can't put it properly himself. 478 00:17:02,752 --> 00:17:04,373 - That's been my trouble all along. 479 00:17:04,373 --> 00:17:06,149 (audience laughing) 480 00:17:06,149 --> 00:17:08,715 - The court would like to call Capt. Stephen Peacock, 481 00:17:08,715 --> 00:17:10,110 QC and bar. 482 00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:12,002 - What's he doing here? 483 00:17:12,002 --> 00:17:14,003 - I've elected Capt. Peacock to put 484 00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:16,031 the case against Mr. Humphries. 485 00:17:16,031 --> 00:17:17,085 - The court is now in session. 486 00:17:17,085 --> 00:17:20,418 Would the accused kindly take the stand? 487 00:17:23,837 --> 00:17:25,347 - Perhaps we can get this over with. 488 00:17:25,347 --> 00:17:26,514 Capt. Peacock. 489 00:17:28,244 --> 00:17:29,855 - Now, the charge against Mr. Humphries-- 490 00:17:29,855 --> 00:17:30,858 - Objection! 491 00:17:30,858 --> 00:17:31,938 - What is it? 492 00:17:31,938 --> 00:17:34,975 - My client objects to Miss Belfridge being on the jury. 493 00:17:34,975 --> 00:17:38,760 On the grounds that she's your secretary, and is biased. 494 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,172 Seeing as how she's up for a rise, 495 00:17:40,172 --> 00:17:43,088 and doesn't want to get into your bad books. 496 00:17:43,088 --> 00:17:45,029 - Miss Belfridge is merely an employee 497 00:17:45,029 --> 00:17:46,997 who happens to work in my office, 498 00:17:46,997 --> 00:17:48,594 she's completely impartial. 499 00:17:48,594 --> 00:17:49,936 Isn't that so, Miss Belfridge? 500 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,826 - Yes, Cuthbert. 501 00:17:51,826 --> 00:17:53,359 - Objection sustained. 502 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:54,679 - Oh, very well. 503 00:17:54,679 --> 00:17:59,336 Come and sit next to me, and you can take notes. 504 00:17:59,336 --> 00:18:01,669 Now, let's get on with this. 505 00:18:02,977 --> 00:18:04,957 (audience laughing) 506 00:18:04,957 --> 00:18:06,193 Peacock. 507 00:18:06,193 --> 00:18:09,063 - Oh, I'm sorry sir, yes. 508 00:18:09,063 --> 00:18:11,281 Well, if I might have your undivided attention. 509 00:18:11,281 --> 00:18:14,725 (high-pitched whistling) 510 00:18:14,725 --> 00:18:16,750 (audience laughing) 511 00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:19,139 Do we have to have that? 512 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:23,306 - Unfortunately, one of his batteries is rather low. 513 00:18:24,545 --> 00:18:26,733 - The charge against Mr. Humphries is-- 514 00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:27,948 - Objection! 515 00:18:27,948 --> 00:18:29,512 He can't hear what's being said, 516 00:18:29,512 --> 00:18:32,072 and my client objects to him being on the jury. 517 00:18:32,072 --> 00:18:32,905 Don't you? 518 00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:34,602 - Well, I don't care one way or the other. 519 00:18:34,602 --> 00:18:36,050 Which is unusual for me. 520 00:18:36,050 --> 00:18:37,480 (audience laughing) 521 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,069 - Mr. Wagstaff. 522 00:18:39,069 --> 00:18:40,365 Mr. Wagstaff. 523 00:18:40,365 --> 00:18:41,698 Can you hear me? 524 00:18:43,398 --> 00:18:45,815 - If ever I saw a guilty man, 525 00:18:47,716 --> 00:18:48,880 it's him. 526 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,951 (audience laughing) 527 00:18:51,951 --> 00:18:54,304 - Mr. Wagstaff is discharged. 528 00:18:54,304 --> 00:18:58,021 - Here, go downstairs and wait at the exit. 529 00:18:58,021 --> 00:18:59,566 - We don't seem to be getting anywhere. 530 00:18:59,566 --> 00:19:01,441 Please get on with it, Capt. Peacock. 531 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,247 - I'm doing my best, sir. 532 00:19:03,247 --> 00:19:05,892 Now, the charge is that Mr. Humphries 533 00:19:05,892 --> 00:19:08,979 removed a marked five pound note from the till. 534 00:19:08,979 --> 00:19:11,117 This was later discovered in his top pocket 535 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:12,436 which proves he did it. 536 00:19:12,436 --> 00:19:14,574 There my case rests. 537 00:19:14,574 --> 00:19:16,813 Do you wish to examine the defendant? 538 00:19:16,813 --> 00:19:17,689 - Do I have to? 539 00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:19,503 (audience laughing) 540 00:19:19,503 --> 00:19:20,937 - Well, it would give him the chance 541 00:19:20,937 --> 00:19:23,191 to make some feeble explanation to explain 542 00:19:23,191 --> 00:19:24,915 an otherwise open and shut case. 543 00:19:24,915 --> 00:19:26,248 - Oh, very well. 544 00:19:28,288 --> 00:19:29,459 Do you deny the charge? 545 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,292 - I do. 546 00:19:30,292 --> 00:19:32,823 - Then, how do you explain that this five pound note 547 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,272 was found in your top pocket? 548 00:19:34,272 --> 00:19:37,155 - Well, I've had a lot of problems at home, recently. 549 00:19:37,155 --> 00:19:38,648 You see, my mother's taken up with 550 00:19:38,648 --> 00:19:40,659 this man that she hardly knows. 551 00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:43,655 Excuse me, she met him while they were out jogging. 552 00:19:43,655 --> 00:19:47,387 Well, he was jogging, she was feeding the ducks in the park. 553 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,426 Well, she's moved him into the spare room. 554 00:19:49,426 --> 00:19:52,398 I said to her, if she does that I'm going to leave home. 555 00:19:52,398 --> 00:19:54,944 Well, this morning I packed me case, and I did. 556 00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,606 - Mr. Humphries, does all this have anything 557 00:19:56,606 --> 00:19:58,409 whatsoever to do with the case? 558 00:19:58,409 --> 00:19:59,497 - Well, of course it does. 559 00:19:59,497 --> 00:20:02,921 You see, when I left home I broke open me piggy bank. 560 00:20:02,921 --> 00:20:04,643 So, I put all the small change in the case, 561 00:20:04,643 --> 00:20:05,533 brought it here, 562 00:20:05,533 --> 00:20:08,481 I counted it, it was just over five pounds. 563 00:20:08,481 --> 00:20:10,023 So, I put all the change in the till, 564 00:20:10,023 --> 00:20:11,204 took out a five pound note, 565 00:20:11,204 --> 00:20:12,829 and put it in me top pocket. 566 00:20:12,829 --> 00:20:15,883 - And you expect us to believe that tissue of lies. 567 00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:16,995 Ha! 568 00:20:16,995 --> 00:20:18,318 I put it to these gentlemen. 569 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,151 - Here! 570 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,317 - Ladies and gentlemen. 571 00:20:22,317 --> 00:20:24,220 Why didn't he tell us this before? 572 00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:26,379 By his very reticence, he has accused himself. 573 00:20:26,379 --> 00:20:27,850 - Objection! 574 00:20:27,850 --> 00:20:28,689 - What now? 575 00:20:28,689 --> 00:20:30,617 - The reason he didn't mention it before 576 00:20:30,617 --> 00:20:33,453 was because he was half-cocked from the pub, 577 00:20:33,453 --> 00:20:35,046 and by the time he'd sobered up, 578 00:20:35,046 --> 00:20:36,983 and had time to think things over, 579 00:20:36,983 --> 00:20:40,002 and remember the events of the morning, 580 00:20:40,002 --> 00:20:43,730 events which my learned counsel might recall 581 00:20:43,730 --> 00:20:46,689 suggested a lack of honesty on more than 582 00:20:46,689 --> 00:20:48,689 one member of the staff. 583 00:20:49,804 --> 00:20:51,602 - To whom are you referring? 584 00:20:51,602 --> 00:20:55,260 - My learned oppo here, what's doing the persecuting. 585 00:20:55,260 --> 00:20:56,635 That's whom. 586 00:20:56,635 --> 00:20:59,016 And who deliberately entered a false time 587 00:20:59,016 --> 00:21:01,773 of arrival in the signing in book this morning. 588 00:21:01,773 --> 00:21:03,661 - Objection. This has nothing to do with the case. 589 00:21:03,661 --> 00:21:05,865 - Objection overruled. 590 00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,958 Any dishonest action, by any member of the staff, 591 00:21:08,958 --> 00:21:11,901 could place that member of staff under suspicion 592 00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:14,798 of not being entirely honest. 593 00:21:14,798 --> 00:21:16,500 - Permission to cross-examine? 594 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:17,333 - Proceed. 595 00:21:19,951 --> 00:21:22,315 Is the jury paying attention? 596 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:25,037 - Oh, nothing's being missed, sir. 597 00:21:25,037 --> 00:21:27,182 - The court now calls Capt. Stephen Peacock 598 00:21:27,182 --> 00:21:28,627 to take the stand. 599 00:21:28,627 --> 00:21:31,194 - It's like the remake of 12 Angry Men. 600 00:21:31,194 --> 00:21:32,677 - On a low budget. 601 00:21:32,677 --> 00:21:34,015 (audience laughing) 602 00:21:34,015 --> 00:21:37,348 - Go on, Mrs. Slocombe, girl. Have a go. 603 00:21:39,478 --> 00:21:41,882 - Are you Capt. Stephen Peacock, 604 00:21:41,882 --> 00:21:44,676 a floorwalker at Grace Brothers? 605 00:21:44,676 --> 00:21:47,127 - No, I'm a rice pudding maker in Epping Forest. 606 00:21:47,127 --> 00:21:49,542 (audience laughing) 607 00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:51,194 - The defendant will answer the question. 608 00:21:51,194 --> 00:21:52,687 - Well, of course I am. 609 00:21:52,687 --> 00:21:54,019 If I wasn't, would I be sitting here 610 00:21:54,019 --> 00:21:56,827 at six o'clock at night playing this damn stupid charade? 611 00:21:56,827 --> 00:21:59,573 - Will the jury kindly note this outburst. 612 00:21:59,573 --> 00:22:02,648 A display of aggression to a simple question, 613 00:22:02,648 --> 00:22:05,309 might indicate a disturbed mind. 614 00:22:05,309 --> 00:22:08,559 And as I shall prove, a dishonest mind. 615 00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:14,850 The mind of a man who is desperate for money 616 00:22:14,850 --> 00:22:17,561 to keep up appearances at the Bowles club. 617 00:22:17,561 --> 00:22:21,061 The mind of a man who has two Parker pens. 618 00:22:25,093 --> 00:22:27,902 And can afford the Ritz, 619 00:22:27,902 --> 00:22:29,621 and I don't mean crackers. 620 00:22:29,621 --> 00:22:30,930 (audience laughing) 621 00:22:30,930 --> 00:22:32,280 (clapping) 622 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,291 - Harman. 623 00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:35,774 - Did you, or did you not, enter a false 624 00:22:35,774 --> 00:22:38,731 arrival time in the signing-in book this morning? 625 00:22:38,731 --> 00:22:40,148 - To answer that I would have to ask you 626 00:22:40,148 --> 00:22:42,329 what time you think I arrived? 627 00:22:42,329 --> 00:22:46,672 - I, and others, know that you arrived at 10 past nine, 628 00:22:46,672 --> 00:22:48,556 and put down nine o'clock in the book. 629 00:22:48,556 --> 00:22:49,773 So there, what have you got to say 630 00:22:49,773 --> 00:22:51,331 to that clever chops? 631 00:22:51,331 --> 00:22:52,597 (audience laughing) 632 00:22:52,597 --> 00:22:53,846 - May I ask for the book? 633 00:22:53,846 --> 00:22:55,756 - I'll get it. 634 00:22:55,756 --> 00:22:57,307 - I find it difficult to believe that 635 00:22:57,307 --> 00:23:00,756 a senior member of staff could do such a thing. 636 00:23:00,756 --> 00:23:03,863 Mind you, this is a most fascinating case. 637 00:23:03,863 --> 00:23:05,479 - What about my case? 638 00:23:05,479 --> 00:23:06,799 - Silence in court. 639 00:23:06,799 --> 00:23:08,804 Exhibit A, the signing-in book. 640 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:10,319 - Right, now let's get this quite clear. 641 00:23:10,319 --> 00:23:12,548 You, Mrs. Slocombe, accuse Capt. Peacock 642 00:23:12,548 --> 00:23:15,898 of arriving at 9:10 on the morning of the 12th, 643 00:23:15,898 --> 00:23:18,926 but deliberately entering 9 a.m. in the book. 644 00:23:18,926 --> 00:23:20,371 - Spot on. 645 00:23:20,371 --> 00:23:21,902 - How then do you account for the fact 646 00:23:21,902 --> 00:23:25,142 that 9:10 is the time entered into the book? 647 00:23:25,142 --> 00:23:26,557 - What? 648 00:23:26,557 --> 00:23:30,146 Oh yes, I put that 10 down meself. 649 00:23:30,146 --> 00:23:31,186 - You admit it? 650 00:23:31,186 --> 00:23:32,892 - I've just told you. 651 00:23:32,892 --> 00:23:34,700 - So, you deliberately tried to get 652 00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:36,566 Capt. Peacock into trouble by entering 653 00:23:36,566 --> 00:23:38,314 a false arrival time in the book? 654 00:23:38,314 --> 00:23:41,058 Capt. Peacock, Capt. Peacock you may stand down. 655 00:23:41,058 --> 00:23:42,970 - No, it wasn't like that at all. 656 00:23:42,970 --> 00:23:45,174 Mr. Spooner, you come over here and tell them, 657 00:23:45,174 --> 00:23:47,007 isn't it true what I said about him coming 658 00:23:47,007 --> 00:23:48,036 at 10 past nine, 659 00:23:48,036 --> 00:23:49,652 and putting nine o'clock down in the book? 660 00:23:49,652 --> 00:23:50,485 - Objection. 661 00:23:50,485 --> 00:23:51,340 Defense is leading the witness. 662 00:23:51,340 --> 00:23:52,996 - Shut up! 663 00:23:52,996 --> 00:23:55,301 Now, come on what time did he arrive? 664 00:23:55,301 --> 00:23:56,189 - 10 past nine. 665 00:23:56,189 --> 00:23:57,806 - Which is the time entered in the book. 666 00:23:57,806 --> 00:24:00,639 - But that's what I put in meself! 667 00:24:00,639 --> 00:24:01,975 - Well, you saw them. 668 00:24:01,975 --> 00:24:02,843 - I did, I did. 669 00:24:02,843 --> 00:24:05,928 And I'd swear to that on the staff magazine. 670 00:24:05,928 --> 00:24:08,555 - May I ask Mr. Spooner just one pertinent question 671 00:24:08,555 --> 00:24:10,067 which will settle his validity 672 00:24:10,067 --> 00:24:11,717 as a witness once and for all? 673 00:24:11,717 --> 00:24:13,740 - I wish you would. 674 00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:16,766 - Mr. Spooner, did you or did you not, 675 00:24:16,766 --> 00:24:20,461 enter Mr. Humphries' time of arrival this morning as 9 a.m.? 676 00:24:20,461 --> 00:24:21,862 The truth now. 677 00:24:21,862 --> 00:24:23,443 - Yes, I did. 678 00:24:23,443 --> 00:24:26,841 - And did the aforementioned Mr. Humphries arrive at 9 a.m.? 679 00:24:26,841 --> 00:24:28,371 - No sir, he didn't. 680 00:24:28,371 --> 00:24:29,859 - Would it not be more correct to say 681 00:24:29,859 --> 00:24:32,187 that he arrived at 9:15, 682 00:24:32,187 --> 00:24:35,045 and that you perjured yourself on his behalf? 683 00:24:35,045 --> 00:24:36,338 Look at me boy! 684 00:24:36,338 --> 00:24:38,197 - Yes, sir. It's true, sir. 685 00:24:38,197 --> 00:24:39,518 - No more questions. 686 00:24:39,518 --> 00:24:42,420 You may return to the jury. 687 00:24:42,420 --> 00:24:43,822 (audience laughing) 688 00:24:43,822 --> 00:24:44,796 - Objection! 689 00:24:44,796 --> 00:24:48,465 My client doesn't want somebody on the jury what lies. 690 00:24:48,465 --> 00:24:50,461 - Hey, can't I say anything? 691 00:24:50,461 --> 00:24:52,786 - No, I've got to say it for you. 692 00:24:52,786 --> 00:24:55,543 - Up to now, you've made matters worse. 693 00:24:55,543 --> 00:24:57,501 - Oh well, you have a go then, 694 00:24:57,501 --> 00:24:59,831 because I'm dying to powder me nose. 695 00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:02,043 - Would the court please be so inclined as to grant 696 00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:04,660 permission for defense counsel to visit the Khazi. 697 00:25:04,660 --> 00:25:06,071 (audience laughing) 698 00:25:06,071 --> 00:25:08,219 - Permission granted. 699 00:25:08,219 --> 00:25:11,225 - I was going whether it was or not. 700 00:25:11,225 --> 00:25:12,536 - I'm sorry for all this fuss, 701 00:25:12,536 --> 00:25:14,170 but what I said is true. 702 00:25:14,170 --> 00:25:16,149 I did put the change in the till. 703 00:25:16,149 --> 00:25:17,992 I did take a five pound note out, 704 00:25:17,992 --> 00:25:20,529 and I did put it in me top pocket. 705 00:25:20,529 --> 00:25:22,563 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 706 00:25:22,563 --> 00:25:25,680 this is the face of an innocent man. 707 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,101 Miss Brahms, you believe me, don't you? 708 00:25:27,101 --> 00:25:28,869 - Oh, of course I do. 709 00:25:28,869 --> 00:25:31,544 - Mr. Spooner, who's come on so well recently, 710 00:25:31,544 --> 00:25:32,563 you believe me? 711 00:25:32,563 --> 00:25:34,472 - Never in any doubt. 712 00:25:34,472 --> 00:25:38,469 - Mr. Harman, have I been anything but straight? 713 00:25:38,469 --> 00:25:41,469 (audience laughing) 714 00:25:42,723 --> 00:25:45,030 - Could you rephrase that, please? 715 00:25:45,030 --> 00:25:46,863 - Have I ever nicked anything? 716 00:25:46,863 --> 00:25:48,883 - You've always behaved like a perfect gentleman. 717 00:25:48,883 --> 00:25:50,931 - I know, but have I ever nicked anything? 718 00:25:50,931 --> 00:25:52,912 - I don't think he's got the bottle. 719 00:25:52,912 --> 00:25:55,847 - Capt. Peacock, under that stern facade 720 00:25:55,847 --> 00:25:59,066 there is a man who knows what's right and what's wrong. 721 00:25:59,066 --> 00:26:01,762 Can you honestly say, with your hand on your heart, 722 00:26:01,762 --> 00:26:04,920 that I have ever taken anything that wasn't mine? 723 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,008 - No. 724 00:26:06,008 --> 00:26:07,008 - Thank you. 725 00:26:08,512 --> 00:26:09,679 - Up till now. 726 00:26:10,677 --> 00:26:12,919 I must point out, that if it wasn't you, 727 00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:15,709 then the finger of suspicion will fall upon one of us. 728 00:26:15,709 --> 00:26:17,462 And we'll have to go through all this again. 729 00:26:17,462 --> 00:26:18,815 - Oh no. 730 00:26:18,815 --> 00:26:20,451 - Look, Capt. Peacock is quite right. 731 00:26:20,451 --> 00:26:22,118 Hands up for guilty. 732 00:26:22,987 --> 00:26:23,904 Not guilty. 733 00:26:25,050 --> 00:26:26,562 Four all. 734 00:26:26,562 --> 00:26:28,462 Well, I have the casting vote. 735 00:26:28,462 --> 00:26:31,707 Guilty, and the judge's decision is final. 736 00:26:31,707 --> 00:26:33,606 I will now pass sentence. 737 00:26:33,606 --> 00:26:37,624 Mr. Humphries, I must ask you to resign. 738 00:26:37,624 --> 00:26:38,917 - Resign? 739 00:26:38,917 --> 00:26:40,584 From Grace Brothers? 740 00:26:41,543 --> 00:26:44,779 - It's the only honorable thing for a gentleman to do. 741 00:26:44,779 --> 00:26:47,872 But may I say that it is a great sadness for me 742 00:26:47,872 --> 00:26:52,280 that one small flaw in an otherwise exemplary character 743 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,485 should mar such a promising career. 744 00:26:55,485 --> 00:26:58,776 - I'd try the YMCA if I was you. 745 00:26:58,776 --> 00:27:00,910 - I'm already on their waiting list. 746 00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:03,892 Do you know I can't believe this is happening to me. 747 00:27:03,892 --> 00:27:05,856 I've always been such a good boy. 748 00:27:05,856 --> 00:27:07,527 (audience laughing) 749 00:27:07,527 --> 00:27:09,388 - Stiff upper lip. 750 00:27:09,388 --> 00:27:11,999 - Mr. Harman, I want that till changed, 751 00:27:11,999 --> 00:27:14,056 and new keys issued. 752 00:27:14,056 --> 00:27:15,315 (elevator bell chimes) 753 00:27:15,315 --> 00:27:16,933 - I'm sorry about the delay, 754 00:27:16,933 --> 00:27:18,766 but I had a bent coin. 755 00:27:20,346 --> 00:27:21,633 Where is he? 756 00:27:21,633 --> 00:27:22,892 - He's resigned. 757 00:27:22,892 --> 00:27:24,898 - What about my winding up speech? 758 00:27:24,898 --> 00:27:26,283 - Well, you're too late. 759 00:27:26,283 --> 00:27:28,662 I shall never forget that sad look on his little face. 760 00:27:28,662 --> 00:27:30,370 And all that just for five quid. 761 00:27:30,370 --> 00:27:32,995 - No, no, no, no, over 50 pounds has gone missing. 762 00:27:32,995 --> 00:27:34,761 The buck had to stop somewhere. 763 00:27:34,761 --> 00:27:36,636 - Here, this till's faulty. 764 00:27:36,636 --> 00:27:38,951 There's a load of notes stuck at the back. 765 00:27:38,951 --> 00:27:40,174 - [Mrs. Slocombe] The missing money. 766 00:27:40,174 --> 00:27:41,252 - He was innocent. 767 00:27:41,252 --> 00:27:43,013 - Now, he's left home and he's not talking to his mother 768 00:27:43,013 --> 00:27:44,402 we'll never find him to tell him. 769 00:27:44,402 --> 00:27:46,681 - I hope he doesn't throw himself under a train. 770 00:27:46,681 --> 00:27:48,607 - If only we knew where he'd gone. 771 00:27:48,607 --> 00:27:50,904 (elevator bell chimes) 772 00:27:50,904 --> 00:27:54,653 (audience laughing) 773 00:27:54,653 --> 00:27:57,153 - I forgot my Paddington bear. 774 00:27:59,269 --> 00:28:01,974 - Look, we found the missing money, it wasn't you. 775 00:28:01,974 --> 00:28:03,527 - Well, I said I didn't do it. 776 00:28:03,527 --> 00:28:05,549 (phone ringing) 777 00:28:05,549 --> 00:28:07,146 - Maintenance and packing. 778 00:28:07,146 --> 00:28:08,599 A message for whom? 779 00:28:08,599 --> 00:28:10,244 Oh yeah, it's for you. 780 00:28:10,244 --> 00:28:11,077 It's your mother. 781 00:28:11,077 --> 00:28:13,005 She don't half sound upset. 782 00:28:13,005 --> 00:28:14,304 - Hello? 783 00:28:14,304 --> 00:28:15,387 Hello mother. 784 00:28:16,657 --> 00:28:19,141 Well, I said he'd let you down. 785 00:28:19,141 --> 00:28:21,104 Look, why don't you put his jogging shoes 786 00:28:21,104 --> 00:28:22,982 outside the front gate, 787 00:28:22,982 --> 00:28:25,265 and I'll be home as soon as I can. 788 00:28:25,265 --> 00:28:26,098 Bye. 789 00:28:28,436 --> 00:28:29,546 If only you could talk, 790 00:28:29,546 --> 00:28:31,851 you'd have told them, wouldn't you? 791 00:28:31,851 --> 00:28:33,915 Mind you, you might've told them one or two other things, 792 00:28:33,915 --> 00:28:35,490 so it's just as well. 793 00:28:35,490 --> 00:28:39,274 (audience laughing) 794 00:28:39,274 --> 00:28:41,013 - Oh, I was always on your side. 795 00:28:41,013 --> 00:28:42,797 - Oh, if you do that again, 796 00:28:42,797 --> 00:28:44,446 I'll be over to your side. 797 00:28:44,446 --> 00:28:45,901 (audience laughing) 798 00:28:45,901 --> 00:28:49,776 ("Are You Being Served Theme") 799 00:28:49,776 --> 00:28:52,721 ♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods 800 00:28:52,721 --> 00:28:55,376 ♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food 801 00:28:55,376 --> 00:28:57,626 ♫ Going up 802 00:29:01,355 --> 00:29:04,251 ♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits 803 00:29:04,251 --> 00:29:06,835 ♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes 804 00:29:06,835 --> 00:29:09,085 ♫ Going up 805 00:29:13,037 --> 00:29:15,864 ♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding 806 00:29:15,864 --> 00:29:18,539 ♫ Material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas 807 00:29:18,539 --> 00:29:20,956 ♫ Going down 808 00:29:24,582 --> 00:29:27,360 ♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits 809 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:30,001 ♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes 810 00:29:30,001 --> 00:29:32,418 ♫ Going down 811 00:29:36,340 --> 00:29:38,945 ♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods 812 00:29:38,945 --> 00:29:41,567 ♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food 813 00:29:41,567 --> 00:29:45,400 ♫ Going up ♫