1 00:00:01,355 --> 00:00:04,522 (cash register dings) 2 00:00:06,833 --> 00:00:08,328 ♫ Ground floor perfumery, 3 00:00:08,328 --> 00:00:09,414 ♫ stationery and leather goods, 4 00:00:09,414 --> 00:00:12,621 ♫ wigs and haberdashery 5 00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:16,998 ♫ kitchenware and food. Going up. 6 00:00:16,998 --> 00:00:18,876 - Mr. Spooner, Mr. Humphries 7 00:00:18,876 --> 00:00:20,022 Set the table up for the meeting, will you? 8 00:00:20,022 --> 00:00:21,792 - Certainly Captain Peacock. - Certainly, Captain Peacock. 9 00:00:21,792 --> 00:00:25,071 - Oh Captain Peacock, I can't stay more than 30 minutes. 10 00:00:25,071 --> 00:00:26,827 I have to collect Mrs. Klein from the dentist. 11 00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,372 You see, after she has gas, she goes 12 00:00:28,372 --> 00:00:30,293 all funny and can't remember anything. 13 00:00:30,293 --> 00:00:32,154 - In that case Mr. Klein, 14 00:00:32,154 --> 00:00:33,119 she won't know you're late, will she? 15 00:00:33,119 --> 00:00:35,628 (audience laughs) 16 00:00:35,628 --> 00:00:37,111 - I can't be late either. 17 00:00:37,111 --> 00:00:39,028 I've got to be at the first aid post 18 00:00:39,028 --> 00:00:39,926 at the roller disco by seven. 19 00:00:39,926 --> 00:00:41,551 (audience laughs) 20 00:00:41,551 --> 00:00:42,384 - Have you got another job there? 21 00:00:42,384 --> 00:00:43,311 - No, I got there to skate, but I'm always 22 00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,894 in the first aid post by seven. 23 00:00:46,972 --> 00:00:49,139 - He's not looking. C'mon. 24 00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:55,450 - Ms. Slocombe. Miss Brahms. 25 00:00:55,450 --> 00:00:56,554 Were you forgetting about the conference? 26 00:00:56,554 --> 00:00:58,533 - Oh is it tonight? (laughs) 27 00:00:58,533 --> 00:01:00,277 It had completely gone out of my mind. 28 00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,539 Hadn't it yours, Miss Brahms? 29 00:01:02,539 --> 00:01:05,492 - Yes. I can't think why you want me, Captain Peacock. 30 00:01:05,492 --> 00:01:07,442 I've never given you any ideas yet. 31 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,802 - That's not entirely true, Miss. Brahms. 32 00:01:09,802 --> 00:01:12,719 (audience laughs) 33 00:01:14,976 --> 00:01:16,476 - See, I got, now. 34 00:01:17,337 --> 00:01:19,132 I heard you was having a late night conference, 35 00:01:19,132 --> 00:01:22,117 so I brought some tea what we brewed up in backing. 36 00:01:22,117 --> 00:01:23,669 - Oh that's very kind of you, Mr. Harman. 37 00:01:23,669 --> 00:01:25,197 - Biscuit? Bit of cake? 38 00:01:25,197 --> 00:01:27,003 - Yes, thank you. 39 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,716 This is very considerate of you, Mr. Harman. 40 00:01:28,716 --> 00:01:31,679 - Yeah, well I've got rich tea, chocolate, button bowls, 41 00:01:31,679 --> 00:01:33,422 swiss roll, or should there be any demand, 42 00:01:33,422 --> 00:01:35,034 one portion of fairy cake. 43 00:01:35,034 --> 00:01:38,397 (audience laughs) 44 00:01:38,397 --> 00:01:39,329 - As I said, most considerate of you. 45 00:01:39,329 --> 00:01:42,604 - Yeah, that's no problem at all. Uh, 35 p each. 46 00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:43,863 (audience laughs) 47 00:01:43,863 --> 00:01:45,557 - That's outrageous. 48 00:01:45,557 --> 00:01:47,248 - Ah, I'm glad you're all ready. Do sit down. 49 00:01:47,248 --> 00:01:48,081 - Thank you, sir. 50 00:01:48,081 --> 00:01:48,914 (chairs scuffling) 51 00:01:48,914 --> 00:01:52,397 - Oh, tea and cakes. Well, think we'll have 52 00:01:52,397 --> 00:01:53,230 those on the firm. 53 00:01:53,230 --> 00:01:55,366 - It's 35 pence each, sir. 54 00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:57,204 - I think we'll have those off the floor. 55 00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,800 Take them away, Mr. Harman. 56 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,640 - I retire defeated. 57 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,680 I would just like you to know that if you're still here 58 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,227 in 15 minutes time, I will have locked up. 59 00:02:05,227 --> 00:02:06,531 I've got the master key, 60 00:02:06,531 --> 00:02:09,367 and it'll cost you 35 p each to get out. 61 00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:10,964 (audience laughs) 62 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,054 - Look, before we start, if we're going 63 00:02:13,054 --> 00:02:15,823 to be stuck here having a conflab for hours and hours, 64 00:02:15,823 --> 00:02:18,293 I've got to make a phone call. 65 00:02:18,293 --> 00:02:19,913 - Oh well if you must, you must, 66 00:02:19,913 --> 00:02:21,132 but please make it a short one. 67 00:02:21,132 --> 00:02:24,041 - I'll be as long as it takes. 68 00:02:24,041 --> 00:02:25,455 - Are you gonna call that oil rigger 69 00:02:25,455 --> 00:02:28,075 that was chatting you up in the pub last night? 70 00:02:28,075 --> 00:02:30,679 - Certainly not. I wouldn't dream of such a thing. 71 00:02:30,679 --> 00:02:33,395 - In that case then, I'll throw his phone number away. 72 00:02:33,395 --> 00:02:36,069 - Don't litter the floor, Miss Brahms. 73 00:02:36,069 --> 00:02:39,340 Give it to me. I'll dispose of it later. 74 00:02:39,340 --> 00:02:41,501 - You know I can't bear them big muscly men 75 00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:43,817 with hairy chests and tattoos. 76 00:02:43,817 --> 00:02:45,692 They can only think of one thing. 77 00:02:45,692 --> 00:02:47,670 - I quite agree. Is that a five or an eight? 78 00:02:47,670 --> 00:02:49,695 (audience laughs) 79 00:02:49,695 --> 00:02:52,572 - Please hurry up, Ms. Slocombe. 80 00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:56,092 - I'm waiting for him to answer. It's my next-door neighbor. 81 00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:59,408 - Oh hello. Hello, is that Mr. Akbar? 82 00:02:59,408 --> 00:03:02,937 Ms. Slocombe here, your next-door neighbor. 83 00:03:02,937 --> 00:03:05,687 I wonder would you do me a favor? 84 00:03:06,691 --> 00:03:09,871 Would you go to my front door, bend down, 85 00:03:09,871 --> 00:03:13,499 and look through the letter box, and if you can see 86 00:03:13,499 --> 00:03:17,332 my pussy, would you drop a sardine on the mat? 87 00:03:18,892 --> 00:03:22,420 (audience laughs) 88 00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:25,837 No, Mr. Akbar, I'm at work. Hello? Hello? 89 00:03:26,678 --> 00:03:30,845 Oh, somebody's cut us off. Oh, I do hope he understands. 90 00:03:33,495 --> 00:03:37,631 His English isn't too good, but he's very obliging. 91 00:03:37,631 --> 00:03:39,731 - Well, I'll come straight to the point. 92 00:03:39,731 --> 00:03:43,066 Sales figures last week were the worst on record, now why? 93 00:03:43,066 --> 00:03:45,162 We've got a good name, we're in a good position. 94 00:03:45,162 --> 00:03:47,097 Why aren't people coming into the store? 95 00:03:47,097 --> 00:03:50,413 - I blame it on the buses. There's less of them. 96 00:03:50,413 --> 00:03:51,484 - What's that got to do with it? 97 00:03:51,484 --> 00:03:54,461 - Well, because there's less of them, they're more crowded, 98 00:03:54,461 --> 00:03:55,779 so more people are standing up, 99 00:03:55,779 --> 00:03:57,585 and they're not wearing out their trousers. 100 00:03:57,585 --> 00:04:00,518 - And skirts. - And skirts. 101 00:04:00,518 --> 00:04:02,730 - What do you think, Captain Peacock? 102 00:04:02,730 --> 00:04:05,601 - I think it's the silliest suggestion I've ever heard. 103 00:04:05,601 --> 00:04:07,123 - Well you come up with something then. 104 00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:09,491 - Yes, you haven't come up with anything yet. 105 00:04:09,491 --> 00:04:13,277 - (Sighs) Ms. Slocombe, the reason why our sales are so bad 106 00:04:13,277 --> 00:04:15,070 is as plain as the nose on your face. 107 00:04:15,070 --> 00:04:17,611 - Yeah, and that's pretty plain. 108 00:04:17,611 --> 00:04:19,843 - We're in a recession. 109 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,647 - Lally and Willits are not in a recession. 110 00:04:21,647 --> 00:04:24,050 Their store's always packed, business is booming. 111 00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:26,510 - Ah well, they're modern, aren't they? 112 00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:28,247 - Yes, they've got a young management 113 00:04:28,247 --> 00:04:30,569 with drive and ideas of their own. 114 00:04:30,569 --> 00:04:32,001 - They've got a big television screen outside 115 00:04:32,001 --> 00:04:33,677 showing what's on in the store. 116 00:04:33,677 --> 00:04:36,231 Friend of mine put that in, shows all the bargains 117 00:04:36,231 --> 00:04:37,630 in all the different departments, 118 00:04:37,630 --> 00:04:39,961 and it makes it cozy and interesting. 119 00:04:39,961 --> 00:04:42,135 (phone ringing) - I think. Ah. 120 00:04:42,135 --> 00:04:44,227 I believe Mr. Grace wanting a progress report. 121 00:04:44,227 --> 00:04:46,886 I think Mr. Humphries may have put his finger on it. 122 00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:49,536 (audience laughs) 123 00:04:49,536 --> 00:04:52,968 Hello. Ah-ha, Mr. Grace. I'm glad you called, sir. 124 00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:55,687 I've just had the most exciting idea. 125 00:04:55,687 --> 00:04:58,840 Why don't we do what Lally and Willits have done? 126 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,638 I suggest we put a television screen inside 127 00:05:01,638 --> 00:05:04,075 and outside the store to show what's going on 128 00:05:04,075 --> 00:05:06,899 and to advertise our special offers. 129 00:05:06,899 --> 00:05:09,905 - I like it, Rumbold. You've come up with the goods. 130 00:05:09,905 --> 00:05:12,376 Uh, don't spend too much money. 131 00:05:12,376 --> 00:05:17,031 (audience laughs) (cash register dings) 132 00:05:17,031 --> 00:05:19,364 (footsteps) 133 00:05:22,437 --> 00:05:25,898 - Ah, sorry I'm late. My connection failed to connect. 134 00:05:25,898 --> 00:05:27,795 - This is my friend Mr. Fortescue. 135 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:30,731 - Oh good. (laughs) What exactly does this entail? 136 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:33,418 - Well, at Lally and Willits, what we did, 137 00:05:33,418 --> 00:05:35,298 we chose a member from each floor to be a kind 138 00:05:35,298 --> 00:05:37,459 of Parkinson character, you know that sort of thing, 139 00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:39,793 and they introduced each member of the department 140 00:05:39,793 --> 00:05:43,429 so they could chat about their special offers, you know? 141 00:05:43,429 --> 00:05:46,209 Now, who's gonna be the Parkinson of this department? 142 00:05:46,209 --> 00:05:48,542 - I am. - What an unexpected choice. 143 00:05:48,542 --> 00:05:50,898 (audience laughs) 144 00:05:50,898 --> 00:05:53,091 - I think I have more experience 145 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,840 at this sort of thing than anybody else here. 146 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,413 After all, I'm used to speaking at board meetings. 147 00:05:57,413 --> 00:05:59,511 - With the emphasis on the bored. 148 00:05:59,511 --> 00:06:00,798 (audience laughs) 149 00:06:00,798 --> 00:06:02,777 - I'll just go and get my hat and coat off. 150 00:06:02,777 --> 00:06:05,631 - Right, I'll switch this on and see if it's working. 151 00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:07,464 Ah, yes, there we are. 152 00:06:08,989 --> 00:06:09,822 - Oh look, there's a picture 153 00:06:09,822 --> 00:06:11,798 of that dummy come up on this screen. 154 00:06:11,798 --> 00:06:15,822 - Oh, I've always wanted to see meself on tele. 155 00:06:15,822 --> 00:06:17,572 Here, point it at me. 156 00:06:20,495 --> 00:06:21,790 Oh, just look at that. 157 00:06:21,790 --> 00:06:24,033 (audience laughs) 158 00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:27,493 I think you must have something wrong with your camera. 159 00:06:27,493 --> 00:06:28,645 I look all fat. 160 00:06:28,645 --> 00:06:31,230 (audience laughs) 161 00:06:31,230 --> 00:06:33,638 - There's nothing wrong with my equipment. 162 00:06:33,638 --> 00:06:35,600 (Slocombe groans) (audience laughs) 163 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,888 - Let me have decko. 164 00:06:37,888 --> 00:06:39,104 (quick footsteps) 165 00:06:39,104 --> 00:06:43,087 Oh, oh look at my face. I should be in pictures. 166 00:06:43,087 --> 00:06:44,548 - You know, I knew a girl who looked 167 00:06:44,548 --> 00:06:46,507 just like you tried to get into pictures. 168 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,404 - Oh yeah? What happened to her? 169 00:06:48,404 --> 00:06:50,546 - She ended up on the cutting room floor. 170 00:06:50,546 --> 00:06:51,619 (audience laughs) 171 00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:56,025 - Oh what a shame. What picture was she supposed to be in? 172 00:06:56,025 --> 00:06:57,616 - She wasn't supposed to be in any picture. 173 00:06:57,616 --> 00:06:59,051 She wasn't even supposed to be in the cutting room. 174 00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:01,015 (audience laughs) 175 00:07:01,015 --> 00:07:03,144 - Uh Mr. Humphries, could I have a word with you? 176 00:07:03,144 --> 00:07:06,357 - Certainly. (footsteps) 177 00:07:06,357 --> 00:07:07,468 (audience laughs) 178 00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:11,551 - Mr. Humphries, I have a little problem, no, no. 179 00:07:12,798 --> 00:07:14,905 In the past, Mr. Humphries, I have found it 180 00:07:14,905 --> 00:07:19,341 very difficult handling people who aren't actually actors. 181 00:07:19,341 --> 00:07:20,914 I mean, they can be so sensitive, can't they? 182 00:07:20,914 --> 00:07:21,750 - Oh they can, they can. 183 00:07:21,750 --> 00:07:23,830 - And they get upset so easily. 184 00:07:23,830 --> 00:07:27,681 So what I wondered was could you use your tact, 185 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:32,464 and may I say charm, to convey to these people my wishes? 186 00:07:32,464 --> 00:07:33,964 I mean, after all, you do know them very well don't you? 187 00:07:33,964 --> 00:07:37,327 - Like the back of me hand. - And I do know you. 188 00:07:37,327 --> 00:07:40,160 (audience laughs) 189 00:07:41,313 --> 00:07:43,610 - May I say one gin and tonic in the Grenadier's Retreat 190 00:07:43,610 --> 00:07:46,244 does not amount to a lasting friendship. 191 00:07:46,244 --> 00:07:49,853 I'll do me best for you. - Thank you. 192 00:07:49,853 --> 00:07:52,254 - Right, I'm ready. What do I have to do? 193 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,824 - Well, first of all people, could I have you all 194 00:07:54,824 --> 00:07:57,553 on this side of the camera please? 195 00:07:57,553 --> 00:07:58,386 And nice and quiet, you know. Thank you. 196 00:07:58,386 --> 00:08:00,524 (footsteps) 197 00:08:00,524 --> 00:08:02,068 Here we are. (claps) 198 00:08:02,068 --> 00:08:04,900 Uh, except you sir. If you'd come over here. 199 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:07,363 And what I'd like you to do, take hold of this microphone. 200 00:08:07,363 --> 00:08:09,863 Thank you, and sit down there. 201 00:08:10,710 --> 00:08:14,710 Alright, that's it, alright, and say your piece. 202 00:08:16,315 --> 00:08:17,489 - How's this? 203 00:08:17,489 --> 00:08:21,565 - Oh no, no, no, hold it. Look at that head. 204 00:08:21,565 --> 00:08:25,611 It's shining like the dome of St. Paul's. 205 00:08:25,611 --> 00:08:27,037 I mean, it's the top half of Humpty Dumpty. 206 00:08:27,037 --> 00:08:28,097 We can't have that. 207 00:08:28,097 --> 00:08:28,930 (audience laughs) 208 00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:31,382 Go and tell him, Mr. Humphries. 209 00:08:31,382 --> 00:08:32,319 - Who me? 210 00:08:32,319 --> 00:08:35,033 - Well you said you would. Go and tell him. 211 00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:36,298 (footsteps) 212 00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:39,109 - Very good, Mr. Rumbold, very good indeed. 213 00:08:39,109 --> 00:08:40,780 We've got a slight lighting problem. 214 00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:43,968 Ms. Slocombe, can I borrow your powder puff? 215 00:08:43,968 --> 00:08:47,329 - Do you want the pale one or the one you had before? 216 00:08:47,329 --> 00:08:48,846 - The dark one will do. 217 00:08:48,846 --> 00:08:53,013 - Personally I'd favor sandpaper and French chalk. 218 00:08:54,175 --> 00:08:56,990 - Hey, go easy with that. It costs 10 p a carton. 219 00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:59,823 (audience laughs) 220 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,430 - How's that? 221 00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:03,321 - Well, it's better, but we've got 222 00:09:03,321 --> 00:09:06,639 to do something about those ghastly ears. 223 00:09:06,639 --> 00:09:08,270 - He looks like a hang glider. 224 00:09:08,270 --> 00:09:11,392 (audience laughs) 225 00:09:11,392 --> 00:09:14,475 - I'd have said more like a wing nut. 226 00:09:15,314 --> 00:09:16,481 - Shall I say my piece now? 227 00:09:16,481 --> 00:09:18,356 - Not yet, not yet, Mr. Rumbold, 228 00:09:18,356 --> 00:09:20,429 we've got a couple of problems. 229 00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,363 - Yes, one on either side. 230 00:09:22,363 --> 00:09:23,662 (audience laughs) 231 00:09:23,662 --> 00:09:25,157 - Mr. Humphries you'll have to tell him. 232 00:09:25,157 --> 00:09:27,896 We've got to get rid of those ridiculous ears. 233 00:09:27,896 --> 00:09:31,878 - No wonder you find people sensitive. 234 00:09:31,878 --> 00:09:34,521 Very good, Mr. Rumbold, very good indeed. 235 00:09:34,521 --> 00:09:35,470 It's rather, we've got a slight problem. 236 00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:37,077 It's rather a narrow screen, you see? 237 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,337 We can't get you all in. 238 00:09:38,337 --> 00:09:39,918 (audience laughs) 239 00:09:39,918 --> 00:09:42,242 - Would it help if I breathed in? 240 00:09:42,242 --> 00:09:45,825 - Not unless you've got lungs in your head. 241 00:09:47,359 --> 00:09:50,155 How's that? - That's better. 242 00:09:50,155 --> 00:09:52,738 - Mr. Spooner, cellotape quick. 243 00:09:54,205 --> 00:09:55,038 (quick footsteps) 244 00:09:55,038 --> 00:09:57,374 - Here you are, Mr. Humprhies. 245 00:09:57,374 --> 00:09:58,989 - Thank you. (tape peeling) 246 00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:03,156 (audience jeers) (audience laughs) 247 00:10:08,201 --> 00:10:11,797 - Yes, yes, that's a marked improvement. 248 00:10:11,797 --> 00:10:13,973 - We seem to have traveled 249 00:10:13,973 --> 00:10:15,016 from the grotesque to the bizarre. 250 00:10:15,016 --> 00:10:16,132 (audience laughs) 251 00:10:16,132 --> 00:10:18,602 - You know, I still don't like his head. 252 00:10:18,602 --> 00:10:21,158 - Well that's rather unfortunate, because his mouth's in it, 253 00:10:21,158 --> 00:10:24,325 and that's the bit we're going to use. 254 00:10:25,907 --> 00:10:27,276 - Shall I speak now? 255 00:10:27,276 --> 00:10:30,681 - No, not yet. - Can't we try a wig on him? 256 00:10:30,681 --> 00:10:32,014 - Or a hat rack. 257 00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:41,385 - I wonder if you'd mind trying one of these. 258 00:10:41,385 --> 00:10:44,541 They're very popular with news readers. 259 00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:46,528 - I don't mind having a bald head. (laughs) 260 00:10:46,528 --> 00:10:49,723 Actually it's considered to be rather virile. 261 00:10:49,723 --> 00:10:51,127 - That's the trouble, we don't want people coming 262 00:10:51,127 --> 00:10:53,427 into the store for the wrong reasons. 263 00:10:53,427 --> 00:10:54,901 (Humphries laughs) 264 00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:59,068 (applause) (audience laughs) 265 00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:04,084 - [Humphries] How's that? - Yes, yes, yes I'll buy that. 266 00:11:04,084 --> 00:11:05,830 - It'll be 12 pound 50. 267 00:11:05,830 --> 00:11:07,894 (audience laughs) 268 00:11:07,894 --> 00:11:10,330 - No I mean, I accept it as a... It's a technical term. 269 00:11:10,330 --> 00:11:11,885 Oh, you wouldn't understand. 270 00:11:11,885 --> 00:11:13,050 (audience laughs) 271 00:11:13,050 --> 00:11:14,745 - Well I think we're about ready. 272 00:11:14,745 --> 00:11:15,578 - Alright, we'll take our positions. 273 00:11:15,578 --> 00:11:17,325 Ms. Slocombe, if you'll go up there, you'll be first. 274 00:11:17,325 --> 00:11:19,186 Now then, Mr. Rumbold, what I want you to do 275 00:11:19,186 --> 00:11:20,580 is say the first part of your speech. 276 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,293 You stand up, you introduce Ms. Slocombe 277 00:11:23,293 --> 00:11:24,974 and hand over to her, alright? 278 00:11:24,974 --> 00:11:26,224 And cue. - What? 279 00:11:27,446 --> 00:11:28,390 (audience laughs) 280 00:11:28,390 --> 00:11:31,057 Go. - Oh, good morning shoppers. 281 00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:35,164 Or afternoon as the case may be. 282 00:11:35,164 --> 00:11:36,645 It's all happening here on the first floor 283 00:11:36,645 --> 00:11:38,503 at Grace Brothers. 284 00:11:38,503 --> 00:11:41,393 We've got bargains galore and special offers 285 00:11:41,393 --> 00:11:46,228 you'll never believe and friendly, happy, jolly salespeople. 286 00:11:46,228 --> 00:11:50,760 And here to tell you more about it is Ms. Slocombe. 287 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,351 Hello there, Ms. Slocombe. 288 00:11:52,351 --> 00:11:53,727 (audience laughs) 289 00:11:53,727 --> 00:11:56,006 - Hello there, Mr. Rumbold. 290 00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:59,365 Yes, it's all happening in my underwear today. 291 00:11:59,365 --> 00:12:02,198 (audience laughs) 292 00:12:03,207 --> 00:12:05,174 - Yes, I've been telling the shoppers. 293 00:12:05,174 --> 00:12:09,488 I've been telling them about your marvelous bargains. 294 00:12:09,488 --> 00:12:10,636 - I don't blame you. 295 00:12:10,636 --> 00:12:12,856 I've got things that are bigger, better, 296 00:12:12,856 --> 00:12:17,023 and cheaper than anywhere else, so come up and see me. 297 00:12:17,921 --> 00:12:19,902 (applause) 298 00:12:19,902 --> 00:12:21,319 - No, no, no, no. 299 00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:26,327 No, you'll have to stop, Ms. Slocombe. 300 00:12:26,327 --> 00:12:27,515 - What's the matter? 301 00:12:27,515 --> 00:12:30,196 - Well, it's the line. Just look at those lines. 302 00:12:30,196 --> 00:12:32,382 - Well, can't you adjust your set? 303 00:12:32,382 --> 00:12:35,721 - They're not on the screen. They're on her face. 304 00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:38,043 Go and tell her she looks 110. 305 00:12:38,043 --> 00:12:39,787 (audience laughs) 306 00:12:39,787 --> 00:12:43,454 - Be tactful, Mr. Humphries. - Ms. Slocombe. 307 00:12:44,405 --> 00:12:45,238 - What is it? Did I do something wrong? 308 00:12:45,238 --> 00:12:48,027 - No, no, no, very good, very good. 309 00:12:48,027 --> 00:12:51,353 I really believed that bit about the bargains, 310 00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,115 but a slight problem though. 311 00:12:53,115 --> 00:12:56,196 Did you every see a film called Lost Horizon 312 00:12:56,196 --> 00:12:58,509 where they were all in Shangri-La? 313 00:12:58,509 --> 00:13:02,241 - Oh that's the place where they stayed young forever. 314 00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,301 - Yes, do you remember the old priest said 315 00:13:04,301 --> 00:13:07,842 if they ever left the valley, they'd become very very old, 316 00:13:07,842 --> 00:13:10,604 and this young girl didn't believe him, 317 00:13:10,604 --> 00:13:13,221 and she left and she walked down the passage, 318 00:13:13,221 --> 00:13:17,323 and when she got to the end, she was 110? 319 00:13:17,323 --> 00:13:19,665 - Well, what's that got to do with me? 320 00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:21,046 - You're halfway down the passage 321 00:13:21,046 --> 00:13:22,453 and (audience laughter drowns out speech) 322 00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:25,620 (cash register dings) 323 00:13:29,797 --> 00:13:31,438 - Isn't Ms. Slocombe ready yet? 324 00:13:31,438 --> 00:13:34,167 - She'll be ready in 30 seconds. 325 00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,575 - I can't imagine any makeup that 326 00:13:35,575 --> 00:13:39,417 would obliterate the ravages of 50 years. 327 00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:42,200 - I think people like to see a lived-in face. 328 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,527 - Hers is more than lived-in. It's got squatters. 329 00:13:44,527 --> 00:13:47,710 (audience laughs) 330 00:13:47,710 --> 00:13:50,653 - She's putting on anti-wrinkle cream, 331 00:13:50,653 --> 00:13:53,106 tightens the skin, takes out all the wrinkles. 332 00:13:53,106 --> 00:13:55,309 I spread it on my fruit at home. 333 00:13:55,309 --> 00:13:58,976 Do you know it turns prunes back into plums? 334 00:14:01,832 --> 00:14:03,359 - Oh nice. 335 00:14:03,359 --> 00:14:07,898 Now let's try your solo bit again Ms. Slocombe, alright? 336 00:14:07,898 --> 00:14:10,683 Up on the stairs. You ready, Nigel? 337 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:11,516 And go. 338 00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:16,938 - Hello shoppers, I know you'll 339 00:14:16,938 --> 00:14:20,188 be interested in my fantastic bargains. 340 00:14:21,608 --> 00:14:25,775 I've got brassieres at half-price and panty girdles 341 00:14:27,581 --> 00:14:29,646 - No, no, no, stop, stop. 342 00:14:29,646 --> 00:14:31,840 Look, there's not a reason of expression on her face. 343 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,314 - It's that wrinkle cream. 344 00:14:33,314 --> 00:14:35,379 I told her she was using too much. 345 00:14:35,379 --> 00:14:38,160 (Slocombe mumbles) (audience laughs) 346 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,988 - My lady wife used some of that stuff once. 347 00:14:40,988 --> 00:14:42,344 Halfway through supper, there was a loud crack, 348 00:14:42,344 --> 00:14:45,411 a small avalanche, and she was back 349 00:14:45,411 --> 00:14:46,995 to her old wrinkled self again. 350 00:14:46,995 --> 00:14:48,321 - Look I don't want to swank, 351 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,137 but I'm due at DH Evans in half an hour. 352 00:14:51,137 --> 00:14:53,295 Now can't this girl do it? 353 00:14:53,295 --> 00:14:54,586 - Oh I think that's an excellent idea. 354 00:14:54,586 --> 00:14:56,705 - But what about me? 355 00:14:56,705 --> 00:14:58,388 (audience laughs) 356 00:14:58,388 --> 00:15:00,305 - I suggest you go to first aid and get a poultice on it. 357 00:15:00,305 --> 00:15:01,683 (audience laughs) 358 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,932 - I suggest you go and (mumbles) head. 359 00:15:03,932 --> 00:15:06,891 (audience laughs) 360 00:15:06,891 --> 00:15:07,989 - Do you think she'll be alright? 361 00:15:07,989 --> 00:15:09,864 - It'll take some time. 362 00:15:09,864 --> 00:15:12,907 My fruit lasted all over the Christmas holiday. 363 00:15:12,907 --> 00:15:14,700 - Morning, everybody. 364 00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:15,936 (group chattering) - [Rumbold] Morning Mr. Grace. 365 00:15:15,936 --> 00:15:18,496 - How's it all going? 366 00:15:18,496 --> 00:15:19,627 - We're just going to have a go at Miss Brahms now. 367 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,635 - Oh, that should get a crowd round the store. 368 00:15:22,635 --> 00:15:23,750 - Alright people, I'd like you all 369 00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:26,080 on that side of the camera this time if you please. 370 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:26,913 (group grumbles) 371 00:15:26,913 --> 00:15:28,229 And as quietly as possible, thank you. 372 00:15:28,229 --> 00:15:31,038 (footsteps) (group chattering) 373 00:15:31,038 --> 00:15:31,871 Just hold this microphone there. 374 00:15:31,871 --> 00:15:32,704 Alright, are you ready, Nigel? 375 00:15:32,704 --> 00:15:35,954 - [Brahms] Alright. - Alright, and cue. 376 00:15:37,214 --> 00:15:38,620 - Hello shoppers, I know you'll be interested 377 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:41,530 in all these fantastic special offers. 378 00:15:41,530 --> 00:15:44,432 We've got brushes at half-price, panty girdles, 379 00:15:44,432 --> 00:15:46,349 dreamy nightwear at four pound 50, 380 00:15:46,349 --> 00:15:48,261 head scarfs, hats, hosiery 381 00:15:48,261 --> 00:15:50,758 and an host of unbelievable bargains, 382 00:15:50,758 --> 00:15:52,925 so come up and see me now. 383 00:15:53,805 --> 00:15:56,433 (audience laughs) 384 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:59,903 - Well, she looks very nice. What do you say, Mr. Harman? 385 00:15:59,903 --> 00:16:01,450 - You can't use her. - Why not? 386 00:16:01,450 --> 00:16:03,411 - Her voice. Dead common. 387 00:16:03,411 --> 00:16:04,945 (audience laughs) 388 00:16:04,945 --> 00:16:07,652 - Yes, yes I agree. I agree. 389 00:16:07,652 --> 00:16:11,993 Mr. Humphries, go and tell her she sounds like a fish wife. 390 00:16:11,993 --> 00:16:14,826 (audience laughs) 391 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,686 - Very good, Miss Brahms, very good indeed. 392 00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:21,763 I wonder if you could make it a bit more up market. 393 00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,002 (audience laughs) 394 00:16:24,002 --> 00:16:26,113 - Roll up, roll up, roll up! 395 00:16:26,113 --> 00:16:28,521 We've got a load of bargains here today. We-- 396 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,074 - That's, no, no, no, no, no. 397 00:16:30,074 --> 00:16:32,606 No, it's not that sort of market. 398 00:16:32,606 --> 00:16:35,545 When I say up market, I mean a bit more posher, you know? 399 00:16:35,545 --> 00:16:38,297 Think of Angela Rippon and Anna Ford. 400 00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:39,130 Great, and cue. 401 00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:40,320 - [Brahms] Posher - Sorry 402 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,278 (audience laughs) 403 00:16:42,278 --> 00:16:44,048 - Hello there, shopping people. 404 00:16:44,048 --> 00:16:47,118 I know you're going to be absolutely amazed 405 00:16:47,118 --> 00:16:48,734 at these super bargains we have. 406 00:16:48,734 --> 00:16:51,612 We have suits and trousers in blues and browns 407 00:16:51,612 --> 00:16:54,055 for round and about 100 pounds. 408 00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:58,012 (applause) (audience laughs) 409 00:16:58,012 --> 00:17:00,794 - No, no, no, no, no, that's not right. 410 00:17:00,794 --> 00:17:04,298 I mean it's a good try, but you can't hide common, can you? 411 00:17:04,298 --> 00:17:05,569 - I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's 412 00:17:05,569 --> 00:17:08,076 almost time for Mr. Grace's special medicine. 413 00:17:08,076 --> 00:17:09,740 - That's it. That's the voice. 414 00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:11,491 It's sexy, it's believable, 415 00:17:11,491 --> 00:17:12,659 it's just what we're looking for. 416 00:17:12,659 --> 00:17:14,106 - She's not a salesgirl. 417 00:17:14,106 --> 00:17:17,230 - But she doesn't have to be a sales girl. 418 00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:18,604 She could get down behind the counter 419 00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:21,214 and speak the words, and this girl could mime to them. 420 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:22,575 Then we get the best of both worlds. 421 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,001 - Could she have a go, sir? 422 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,634 - She's game for anything, aren't you my dear? 423 00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:28,627 (audience laughs) 424 00:17:28,627 --> 00:17:30,134 - Then come along. 425 00:17:30,134 --> 00:17:31,527 - It's all on this piece of paper, thank you. 426 00:17:31,527 --> 00:17:33,409 There we are. - Thank you. 427 00:17:33,409 --> 00:17:35,677 - Good, good. (footsteps) 428 00:17:35,677 --> 00:17:38,723 - And go. - You said cue last time. 429 00:17:38,723 --> 00:17:39,556 (Humphries and director muttering) 430 00:17:39,556 --> 00:17:43,514 - Hello shoppers, I know you'll be interested 431 00:17:43,514 --> 00:17:47,034 in all these fantastic special offers. 432 00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:49,695 We've got brassieres at half-price, 433 00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:52,723 panty girdles, dreamy night-- - Hey just a minute. 434 00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:55,633 Tell her to get a move on, I'm in me dreamy nightwear, 435 00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,163 and she's still in her panty girdles. 436 00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:01,330 (audience laughs) (cash register dings) 437 00:18:02,803 --> 00:18:05,243 (bell ringing) 438 00:18:05,243 --> 00:18:07,417 - I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, the store is now closing. 439 00:18:07,417 --> 00:18:09,391 Would you mind? Thank you very much. 440 00:18:09,391 --> 00:18:11,258 - Thank heavens for that. What a day. 441 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:13,565 Do you know I've been rushed off my feet. 442 00:18:13,565 --> 00:18:16,301 - Yeah, that television idea worked a treat. 443 00:18:16,301 --> 00:18:17,589 - [Peacock] How did you do Ms. Slocombe? 444 00:18:17,589 --> 00:18:18,997 - It was like Christmas Eve. 445 00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:20,559 I've never seen anything like it. 446 00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:22,033 - Yeah, I made enough in commission to buy a pair 447 00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:24,721 of shoes to replace the ones I wore out today. 448 00:18:24,721 --> 00:18:27,365 - Well, you have only yourself to blame for that. 449 00:18:27,365 --> 00:18:29,003 I popped down to the entrance, and that bit you did 450 00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:31,450 on the screen certainly caused quite a stir. 451 00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:33,608 - Yeah, that nurse's posh, sexy voice 452 00:18:33,608 --> 00:18:36,167 and your sexy looks were a great combination, ooh. 453 00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:39,338 - Hey Shirley, this came special messenger. 454 00:18:39,338 --> 00:18:42,073 Says to the young girl on the ladies counter. 455 00:18:42,073 --> 00:18:42,906 I figured it's for you. 456 00:18:42,906 --> 00:18:45,187 - It's marked personal and private, and you've opened it. 457 00:18:45,187 --> 00:18:47,082 - Yeah, of course, there might've been a bomb in it. 458 00:18:47,082 --> 00:18:48,109 (audience laughs) 459 00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:49,625 - Oh look. - Well read it. 460 00:18:49,625 --> 00:18:51,246 - It's got an official stamp on. 461 00:18:51,246 --> 00:18:52,735 Do you think it's income tax? 462 00:18:52,735 --> 00:18:56,724 - No that's a crest, that is. Two rampant unicorns. 463 00:18:56,724 --> 00:19:00,269 - Dear sexy voice, I'm afraid I don't know your name, 464 00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:04,491 but I was driving past your store today when 465 00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,597 my furry, fairy-- - Ferrari. 466 00:19:06,597 --> 00:19:09,356 - When my Ferrari ran out of petrol. 467 00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:12,391 While I was waiting for my chauffeur to bring some 468 00:19:12,391 --> 00:19:14,814 in my Rolls, I was inrup, enruptured? 469 00:19:14,814 --> 00:19:16,018 - Enraptured. 470 00:19:16,018 --> 00:19:18,779 - I was enraptured by your deep, seductive voice 471 00:19:18,779 --> 00:19:21,958 on the TV at the entrance of your store. 472 00:19:21,958 --> 00:19:25,236 I'm dying to meet you. Can you dine with me tonight? 473 00:19:25,236 --> 00:19:30,000 I will phone at 5:30 for your answer. Yours, Hurley. 474 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,712 Hurley? That's a funny Christian name. 475 00:19:32,712 --> 00:19:33,704 - That's not a Christian name. 476 00:19:33,704 --> 00:19:35,044 Here, look, look. He's a Lord. 477 00:19:35,044 --> 00:19:36,544 He enclosed a photo of him standing 478 00:19:36,544 --> 00:19:38,210 outside the front of his house. 479 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:40,891 - Oh look, he lives in a detached castle. 480 00:19:40,891 --> 00:19:44,357 (audience laughs) 481 00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:45,190 - It's nearly half past five. He'll be phoning in a minute. 482 00:19:45,190 --> 00:19:46,798 - (Gasps) Dinner tonight, I haven't got time 483 00:19:46,798 --> 00:19:48,989 to go home and get changed. 484 00:19:48,989 --> 00:19:50,889 I'll have to borrow something from stock. 485 00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:53,532 - My dear, take advice from an older woman. 486 00:19:53,532 --> 00:19:55,825 Don't appear too keen, play hard to get, 487 00:19:55,825 --> 00:19:58,714 say you're not available tonight. 488 00:19:58,714 --> 00:20:02,528 If his intentions are serious, he'll try again. 489 00:20:02,528 --> 00:20:06,695 Oh, I used to dangle myself like a carrot in front of them, 490 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,588 but I never let them get a nibble. 491 00:20:10,588 --> 00:20:12,558 (audience laughs) 492 00:20:12,558 --> 00:20:14,036 - It's a bit late for that now. 493 00:20:14,036 --> 00:20:15,512 Not much call for dried vegetables these day. 494 00:20:15,512 --> 00:20:17,553 (audience laughs) 495 00:20:17,553 --> 00:20:18,728 - But what should I say to him? 496 00:20:18,728 --> 00:20:20,808 - Tell him you're having dinner 497 00:20:20,808 --> 00:20:22,679 with your millionaire boyfriend. 498 00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,496 - Ooh, no, no, you mustn't say that. 499 00:20:24,496 --> 00:20:25,737 You don't want to put him off. 500 00:20:25,737 --> 00:20:28,362 You want to appear unsullied. 501 00:20:28,362 --> 00:20:30,070 - Tell him you're training to be a Carmelite nun 502 00:20:30,070 --> 00:20:31,752 and Monday night's practice night. 503 00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:33,879 (audience laughs) (phone ringing) 504 00:20:33,879 --> 00:20:37,462 - Oh, blimey that'll be him. - I'll get it. 505 00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:41,777 Ladies intimate apparel. Lord whom? 506 00:20:44,021 --> 00:20:46,771 Oh yes, the lady what you require 507 00:20:47,991 --> 00:20:52,607 is entitled Miss Brahms, but I'm afraid she's just leaving. 508 00:20:52,607 --> 00:20:55,976 However, if you wouldn't mind hanging on a mo, 509 00:20:55,976 --> 00:20:59,035 I'll see if I can apprehend her. 510 00:20:59,035 --> 00:21:02,621 It's him. Ooh, he sounds ever so nice. 511 00:21:02,621 --> 00:21:03,727 - What shall I say? 512 00:21:03,727 --> 00:21:04,807 - Whatever it is, make sure it sounds 513 00:21:04,807 --> 00:21:08,453 like the nurse that did your voice. 514 00:21:08,453 --> 00:21:11,703 - Hello. Yes, this is A. Oh how quaint. 515 00:21:13,704 --> 00:21:16,691 No, I'm afraid I can't do it tonight. 516 00:21:16,691 --> 00:21:17,713 - I mean he's keen ain't he? 517 00:21:17,713 --> 00:21:19,113 (audience laughs) 518 00:21:19,113 --> 00:21:20,610 - I have a previous engagement. 519 00:21:20,610 --> 00:21:22,443 I'm dining at Romano's 520 00:21:25,028 --> 00:21:26,778 with mater and pater. 521 00:21:28,667 --> 00:21:30,412 Yes, he's very high up in the army, you know. 522 00:21:30,412 --> 00:21:32,029 We're having a bit of a nosh with a chum of his 523 00:21:32,029 --> 00:21:34,862 who's very high up something else. 524 00:21:37,054 --> 00:21:40,380 Oh, oh I see. Well, yes, I'm sure that'll be alright. 525 00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:44,547 I'll see you there then. (laughs) Bye-bye. 526 00:21:46,121 --> 00:21:48,517 Nickers. (audience laughs) 527 00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:49,548 - What did he say? 528 00:21:49,548 --> 00:21:52,264 - He says he'll meet us there and the bill's on him. 529 00:21:52,264 --> 00:21:53,506 - Oh that's torn it. 530 00:21:53,506 --> 00:21:55,335 - Well, you just have to up and dangle your carrot. 531 00:21:55,335 --> 00:21:56,895 (audience laughs) 532 00:21:56,895 --> 00:21:59,763 - What after that cock and bull story about mater and pater 533 00:21:59,763 --> 00:22:01,262 and his chum high up in something? 534 00:22:01,262 --> 00:22:02,710 He'll see through me in a minute. 535 00:22:02,710 --> 00:22:04,336 I won't be able to carry it through. 536 00:22:04,336 --> 00:22:07,065 - Well, your dad was in the army. He could go with you. 537 00:22:07,065 --> 00:22:08,732 - He's a bus driver. 538 00:22:10,064 --> 00:22:11,626 - Well he could take the number off his cap. 539 00:22:11,626 --> 00:22:13,279 (audience laughs) 540 00:22:13,279 --> 00:22:14,909 - It's all your fault, Miss Slocombe, 541 00:22:14,909 --> 00:22:18,242 making me say I was having dinner with me father. 542 00:22:18,242 --> 00:22:19,667 - Well, I didn't say you were to tell him he was 543 00:22:19,667 --> 00:22:23,067 in the army and all that rubbish about his high up chum. 544 00:22:23,067 --> 00:22:25,143 - Well what am I gonna do? 545 00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:27,171 - Well if you take my advice, say goodbye 546 00:22:27,171 --> 00:22:28,660 to St. Ritz and the South of France, 547 00:22:28,660 --> 00:22:30,519 go home, and open a tin of baked beans. 548 00:22:30,519 --> 00:22:31,352 (audience laughs) 549 00:22:31,352 --> 00:22:32,447 - No, no, I don't think 550 00:22:32,447 --> 00:22:33,809 you should give up so easily. 551 00:22:33,809 --> 00:22:36,739 Oh no, I'm sure if we all put our heads together, 552 00:22:36,739 --> 00:22:38,481 we can come up with a solution of some sort. 553 00:22:38,481 --> 00:22:41,648 (cash register dings) 554 00:22:44,052 --> 00:22:46,384 - Here's your table, Brigadier Brahms. 555 00:22:46,384 --> 00:22:47,712 - A. 556 00:22:47,712 --> 00:22:52,488 (audience laughs) (applause) 557 00:22:52,488 --> 00:22:53,655 - Lady Brahms. 558 00:22:55,683 --> 00:22:58,920 - Now while you're staring at the menu, a little drink. 559 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,159 - For Madame, a nice par-ih-teef 560 00:23:01,159 --> 00:23:02,749 - Oh thank you, and they're my own too. 561 00:23:02,749 --> 00:23:05,582 (audience laughs) 562 00:23:06,615 --> 00:23:10,115 - No, no, what drink do you fancy my dear? 563 00:23:12,806 --> 00:23:15,695 - Oh, what was the name of that cocktail 564 00:23:15,695 --> 00:23:17,845 what we had at the Bunch of Grapes? 565 00:23:17,845 --> 00:23:21,557 - Oh yeah, it was sort of a lemony, ginny thing. 566 00:23:21,557 --> 00:23:22,926 Two John Thomases please. 567 00:23:22,926 --> 00:23:25,759 (audience laughs) 568 00:23:27,417 --> 00:23:30,562 - Two John Collins, waiter. (waiter sighs) 569 00:23:30,562 --> 00:23:31,395 And I'll have a large pink gin. 570 00:23:31,395 --> 00:23:32,812 - Thank you, sir. 571 00:23:33,697 --> 00:23:37,134 - Have you seen the prices? Isn't it wicked? 572 00:23:37,134 --> 00:23:38,661 - I thought Mr. Humphries was supposed 573 00:23:38,661 --> 00:23:40,481 to be joining us here. 574 00:23:40,481 --> 00:23:41,405 - I imagine he's getting his 575 00:23:41,405 --> 00:23:42,941 dinner jacket from the cleaners. 576 00:23:42,941 --> 00:23:45,626 - Oh. And why couldn't you have worn a dinner jacket? 577 00:23:45,626 --> 00:23:48,246 - You said I was high up in the army. 578 00:23:48,246 --> 00:23:50,834 - Yeah, but you didn't have to be a brigadier. 579 00:23:50,834 --> 00:23:53,914 - I could have been if I'd stayed on. 580 00:23:53,914 --> 00:23:56,089 Oh, the caviar sounds rather tempting. 581 00:23:56,089 --> 00:23:59,167 - 'Ere that's 10 pound a throw. You're not having that. 582 00:23:59,167 --> 00:24:01,030 - Miss Brahms, we are here to give you 583 00:24:01,030 --> 00:24:03,146 a respectable background, and as Lord Hurley's 584 00:24:03,146 --> 00:24:07,015 generous enough to foot the bill, I don't see why 585 00:24:07,015 --> 00:24:09,554 we shouldn't have a good meal while we're at at it. 586 00:24:09,554 --> 00:24:11,795 - That's all you're here for, in't it? 587 00:24:11,795 --> 00:24:12,921 - Well, on our wages, all we could afford 588 00:24:12,921 --> 00:24:16,224 in this place would be egg and chips. 589 00:24:16,224 --> 00:24:20,637 (audience roars) (audience laughs) 590 00:24:20,637 --> 00:24:22,199 - Look over there. 591 00:24:22,199 --> 00:24:24,866 - It's not Mr. Humphries, is it? 592 00:24:26,206 --> 00:24:27,789 - I'm afraid it is. 593 00:24:30,328 --> 00:24:32,605 - Don't have the kidneys. Somebody set fire to them. 594 00:24:32,605 --> 00:24:35,058 (audience laughs) 595 00:24:35,058 --> 00:24:37,733 And before you say anything else, me suit hadn't come 596 00:24:37,733 --> 00:24:39,233 from the cleaners and he happened 597 00:24:39,233 --> 00:24:41,628 to be a very good friend of mine so he's loaned me this. 598 00:24:41,628 --> 00:24:43,127 It's got to be back first thing in the morning, 599 00:24:43,127 --> 00:24:45,515 cause Ramsey needs it for a conference at Canterbury. 600 00:24:45,515 --> 00:24:47,088 (audience laughs) 601 00:24:47,088 --> 00:24:49,376 - Menu, your grace. - Oh, bless you, my son. 602 00:24:49,376 --> 00:24:52,700 (audience laughs) 603 00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:54,547 - You're gonna ruin this for me. 604 00:24:54,547 --> 00:24:57,034 No one's gonna believe you're a bishop. 605 00:24:57,034 --> 00:25:00,594 - Ah monsignor (foreign language) 606 00:25:00,594 --> 00:25:03,427 (audience laughs) 607 00:25:09,485 --> 00:25:12,652 - It's all go in the church, isn't it? 608 00:25:16,386 --> 00:25:18,053 - 18 carat, not bad. 609 00:25:20,338 --> 00:25:23,134 - There you see, everything's gonna be perfectly alright 610 00:25:23,134 --> 00:25:25,705 as long as we keep calm and you let me do the talking. 611 00:25:25,705 --> 00:25:28,034 - Miss Brahms, you speak as little as possible. 612 00:25:28,034 --> 00:25:29,060 - What about me? 613 00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:30,405 - You drink as little as possible. 614 00:25:30,405 --> 00:25:31,337 (audience laughs) 615 00:25:31,337 --> 00:25:33,568 - Pull your veil down. 616 00:25:33,568 --> 00:25:37,706 Look, everybody, just behave absolutely normal. 617 00:25:37,706 --> 00:25:39,252 - Oh heck, it's Mr. Grace. 618 00:25:39,252 --> 00:25:42,847 (silverware clanking) (group grunting) 619 00:25:42,847 --> 00:25:45,737 - Get up, get up, get up. - Any problems, sir? 620 00:25:45,737 --> 00:25:47,666 - I'm just taking a confessional. Won't be long. 621 00:25:47,666 --> 00:25:50,499 (audience laughs) 622 00:25:51,398 --> 00:25:52,886 - Get back in your seats. 623 00:25:52,886 --> 00:25:55,447 He'll never recognize us dressed like this. 624 00:25:55,447 --> 00:25:59,779 - Hello, Peacock, another regimental reunion? 625 00:25:59,779 --> 00:26:01,051 - That's right, sir, yes. (laughs) 626 00:26:01,051 --> 00:26:03,520 - The wife seems a bit playful tonight. 627 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,434 (audience laughs) 628 00:26:06,434 --> 00:26:09,068 If you're on your own, perhaps you'll care to join us. 629 00:26:09,068 --> 00:26:11,378 - Well sir, we're expecting some guests. (laughs) 630 00:26:11,378 --> 00:26:12,903 (audience laughs) 631 00:26:12,903 --> 00:26:16,155 - Is that right? - Ah, here they are, sir. 632 00:26:16,155 --> 00:26:18,324 - Don't tell anyone you've seen me 633 00:26:18,324 --> 00:26:19,970 out with the girls, will you? 634 00:26:19,970 --> 00:26:23,010 I wouldn't like to get a bad reputation in the store. 635 00:26:23,010 --> 00:26:27,177 - Your secret will go no further than this table, sir. 636 00:26:28,618 --> 00:26:29,968 You can't stay like that all night. 637 00:26:29,968 --> 00:26:31,641 - Well get rid of the candles. 638 00:26:31,641 --> 00:26:35,808 (group blows) (lighters flicking) 639 00:26:38,131 --> 00:26:41,156 - May I take your order? - Yes, why not. 640 00:26:41,156 --> 00:26:42,698 What do you fancy, my dear? 641 00:26:42,698 --> 00:26:44,726 - Smoked salmon and pheasant. 642 00:26:44,726 --> 00:26:47,068 - Shirley? - Lobster thermostat. 643 00:26:47,068 --> 00:26:49,160 (audience laughs) 644 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:50,905 - Your grace? 645 00:26:50,905 --> 00:26:52,477 - May I recommend the sweet breads. 646 00:26:52,477 --> 00:26:53,849 - How are they done? 647 00:26:53,849 --> 00:26:55,129 - It's not how they're done that worries me. 648 00:26:55,129 --> 00:26:55,962 It's where they're from. 649 00:26:55,962 --> 00:26:58,595 (audience laughs) 650 00:26:58,595 --> 00:27:02,827 - And I'll have petit de foie gras and guinea fowl. 651 00:27:02,827 --> 00:27:04,881 - I'll have the venison. - It's very well-hung, sir. 652 00:27:04,881 --> 00:27:06,937 - That is of no interest to me whatsoever. 653 00:27:06,937 --> 00:27:09,102 (audience laughs) 654 00:27:09,102 --> 00:27:11,852 - Oh and, champagne, Gleeco '71. 655 00:27:13,674 --> 00:27:15,449 - And make it a big one. 656 00:27:15,449 --> 00:27:16,983 - I can bring a jeroboam if you'd like one. 657 00:27:16,983 --> 00:27:18,543 - No, just tell us where it is. 658 00:27:18,543 --> 00:27:22,251 We'll make our own jerboam when the need arises. 659 00:27:22,251 --> 00:27:24,772 - Good evening, your Lordship. Have you a reservation? 660 00:27:24,772 --> 00:27:26,099 - No actually I'm joining some people. 661 00:27:26,099 --> 00:27:28,019 - Ah, may I take your coat? 662 00:27:28,019 --> 00:27:30,312 - Oh look, it's him. Oh, isn't he handsome? 663 00:27:30,312 --> 00:27:33,271 - Oh, all that and a castle to put it in. 664 00:27:33,271 --> 00:27:36,738 - Now, remember, remember, let me do the talking. Shh. 665 00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:37,990 - If you have to say anything, 666 00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:41,510 it was the low, sexy voice that attracted him. 667 00:27:41,510 --> 00:27:43,420 - Now I hope you're both hungry. 668 00:27:43,420 --> 00:27:47,726 - I'm absolutely ravenous. I haven't had a bite all day. 669 00:27:47,726 --> 00:27:51,576 - That voice. I'd recognize it anywhere. 670 00:27:51,576 --> 00:27:53,826 Excuse me, I'm Lord Hurley. 671 00:27:55,408 --> 00:27:57,822 You were in that Grace Brothers commercial thing. 672 00:27:57,822 --> 00:27:59,186 - That's right. 673 00:27:59,186 --> 00:28:01,147 - I must say you look even more attractive 674 00:28:01,147 --> 00:28:04,101 in the flesh than you did on the screen outside the store. 675 00:28:04,101 --> 00:28:06,928 May I sit down, with your permission sir? 676 00:28:06,928 --> 00:28:08,775 - Well, if she doesn't mind. 677 00:28:08,775 --> 00:28:11,014 - As far as I'm concerned, you can stay 678 00:28:11,014 --> 00:28:13,832 for the rest of my life. 679 00:28:13,832 --> 00:28:16,223 - Garson. - Yes, sir? 680 00:28:16,223 --> 00:28:19,783 - We ordered pheasant, lobster, venison, 681 00:28:19,783 --> 00:28:22,872 petit de foie gras, guinea fowl, and champagne. 682 00:28:22,872 --> 00:28:24,774 And I'd like to make a slight alternation. 683 00:28:24,774 --> 00:28:25,635 (audience laughs) 684 00:28:25,635 --> 00:28:27,628 - Certainly, sir, what would you like? 685 00:28:27,628 --> 00:28:29,566 - Egg and chips four times and a pot of tea. 686 00:28:29,566 --> 00:28:33,733 (applause) (cash register dings) 687 00:28:36,820 --> 00:28:38,424 ♫ Ground floor perfumery, 688 00:28:38,424 --> 00:28:39,788 ♫ stationery and leather goods, 689 00:28:39,788 --> 00:28:41,172 ♫ wigs and haberdashery 690 00:28:41,172 --> 00:28:45,339 ♫ kitchenware and food. Going up. 691 00:28:48,914 --> 00:28:49,747 ♫ First floor telephones, 692 00:28:49,747 --> 00:28:51,506 ♫ gents ready-made suits, 693 00:28:51,506 --> 00:28:52,987 ♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats, 694 00:28:52,987 --> 00:28:57,070 ♫ underwear and shoes. Going up. 695 00:29:00,304 --> 00:29:01,245 ♫ Second floor carpets, 696 00:29:01,245 --> 00:29:03,329 ♫ travel goods and bedding, 697 00:29:03,329 --> 00:29:04,745 ♫ material, soft furnishings, 698 00:29:04,745 --> 00:29:06,380 ♫ restaurant and teas. Going down! 699 00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:08,630 (applause) 700 00:29:11,489 --> 00:29:12,952 ♫ First floor telephones, 701 00:29:12,952 --> 00:29:14,555 ♫ gents ready-made suits, 702 00:29:14,555 --> 00:29:15,835 ♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats, 703 00:29:15,835 --> 00:29:19,918 ♫ underwear and shoes. Going up. 704 00:29:20,773 --> 00:29:23,856 (lighthearted music)