1 00:00:00,456 --> 00:00:01,289 ("Are You Being Served" sung by Stephanie Gathercole) 2 00:00:01,289 --> 00:00:05,988 (cash register jingling and clashing) 3 00:00:05,988 --> 00:00:07,254 ♫ Ground floor, perfumery 4 00:00:07,254 --> 00:00:08,762 ♫ Stationery and leather goods 5 00:00:08,762 --> 00:00:10,027 ♫ Wigs and haberdashery 6 00:00:10,027 --> 00:00:11,177 ♫ Kitchenware and food 7 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,605 ♫ Going up 8 00:00:13,605 --> 00:00:17,772 (cash register jingling and clashing) 9 00:00:18,926 --> 00:00:21,417 - I'm stuck on six across. 10 00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:23,257 - What's the clue? 11 00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,962 - Clerical part of chicken. 12 00:00:25,962 --> 00:00:28,249 Seven and four. (audience laughing) 13 00:00:28,249 --> 00:00:30,049 - Clerical part of chicken, seven... 14 00:00:30,049 --> 00:00:31,895 Parson's nose! 15 00:00:31,895 --> 00:00:34,791 - Of course. (audience laughing) 16 00:00:34,791 --> 00:00:36,225 - I've got a difficult one here. 17 00:00:36,225 --> 00:00:40,405 Traffic flow on dual carriage way, question mark. 18 00:00:40,405 --> 00:00:42,822 Four, three, three, and four. 19 00:00:44,143 --> 00:00:45,989 - This way and that. 20 00:00:45,989 --> 00:00:49,908 - Fancy me not getting that. (audience laughing) 21 00:00:49,908 --> 00:00:50,741 - Would you mind discussing 22 00:00:50,741 --> 00:00:52,816 your Popular Press junior crossword 23 00:00:52,816 --> 00:00:54,488 in a quieter voice? 24 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,321 I'm concentrating on 25 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,425 a difficult clue in the Times. 26 00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:58,946 - Oh, what is it, Captain Peacock? 27 00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:00,467 Perhaps we can help. 28 00:01:00,467 --> 00:01:02,551 - I rather doubt it. 29 00:01:02,551 --> 00:01:05,953 Em, found in an ancient Greek bath. 30 00:01:05,953 --> 00:01:08,786 Two words, beginning with A and P. 31 00:01:09,685 --> 00:01:12,919 - Found in an ancient Greek bath. 32 00:01:12,919 --> 00:01:13,752 A and P... 33 00:01:15,137 --> 00:01:18,061 It's on the tip o'me tongue. 34 00:01:18,061 --> 00:01:22,810 A plughole! (audience laughing) 35 00:01:22,810 --> 00:01:26,977 - Archimedes Principle. (audience oohs and laughs) 36 00:01:28,841 --> 00:01:31,088 - I didn't know you were acquainted with 37 00:01:31,088 --> 00:01:32,916 the Classical Age, Miss Brahms? 38 00:01:32,916 --> 00:01:33,749 - I'm not. 39 00:01:33,749 --> 00:01:36,742 I read it on a matchbox. (audience laughs) 40 00:01:36,742 --> 00:01:37,764 - Well, what about this one then? 41 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:38,704 Long blonde hair, 42 00:01:38,704 --> 00:01:40,707 topless, riding a bicycle. 43 00:01:40,707 --> 00:01:41,606 - Where's that? 44 00:01:41,606 --> 00:01:45,773 - Page three, wanna look? (audience laughing) 45 00:01:48,004 --> 00:01:49,478 (door thuds) 46 00:01:49,478 --> 00:01:51,800 - Oh, I see you haven't finished your tea. 47 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,443 - Well, there were a lot of tealeaves in it. 48 00:01:53,443 --> 00:01:55,329 - The teabag must have burst. 49 00:01:55,329 --> 00:01:57,692 These teabags is very, very delicate. 50 00:01:57,692 --> 00:01:59,167 Mr Grace has just bought up a load 51 00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:01,332 of seconds from Hong Kong. 52 00:02:01,332 --> 00:02:04,321 Perhaps you poured the water in too hard. 53 00:02:04,321 --> 00:02:05,837 - Well, in future, 54 00:02:05,837 --> 00:02:07,433 I shall bring my own teabags. 55 00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:09,645 - It'll still cost you 5p a day. 56 00:02:09,645 --> 00:02:11,438 - If I'm using my own teabags, 57 00:02:11,438 --> 00:02:12,547 how do you make that out? 58 00:02:12,547 --> 00:02:13,400 - Well, I've still got to deliver 59 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,956 the hot water, haven't I? 60 00:02:14,956 --> 00:02:15,937 There's the use of the cup, 61 00:02:15,937 --> 00:02:17,493 the saucer, and the spoon. 62 00:02:17,493 --> 00:02:20,639 And service charge for my smiling face. 63 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,445 (audience laughing) 64 00:02:22,445 --> 00:02:23,553 - Thank you, Mr Harman. - Yes. 65 00:02:23,553 --> 00:02:26,049 (door thuds) 66 00:02:26,049 --> 00:02:27,356 - You sent for me, sir? 67 00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,290 - Oh yes, Peacock, have you got 68 00:02:28,290 --> 00:02:29,591 the mid-morning sales figures? 69 00:02:29,591 --> 00:02:31,106 - Yes sir. 70 00:02:31,106 --> 00:02:32,127 - Well, where are they? 71 00:02:32,127 --> 00:02:34,339 - In my head. (audience laughs) 72 00:02:34,339 --> 00:02:36,110 - Really, Peacock, that's not good enough. 73 00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:37,665 I need the total sales. 74 00:02:37,665 --> 00:02:39,093 Ready-mades, accessories, 75 00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,973 skirts, jumpers, and intimate apparel, 76 00:02:40,973 --> 00:02:42,982 and I need them on paper. 77 00:02:42,982 --> 00:02:44,399 - Very well, sir. 78 00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,588 (audience laughing) 79 00:02:49,588 --> 00:02:50,755 - What's that? 80 00:02:51,916 --> 00:02:52,940 - To those of us 81 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,183 who have studied mathematics, sir, 82 00:02:54,183 --> 00:02:55,277 it is known as a nought. 83 00:02:55,277 --> 00:02:56,623 (audience laughing) 84 00:02:56,623 --> 00:02:58,185 - What do you mean, nought? 85 00:02:58,185 --> 00:03:01,569 - We haven't taken one solitary p. 86 00:03:01,569 --> 00:03:03,374 - Well, how do you account for that? 87 00:03:03,374 --> 00:03:05,470 - Well, sir, there's a recession, 88 00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,479 minimum lending rate has not been cut, 89 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:09,603 the Russians are still in Afghanistan, 90 00:03:09,603 --> 00:03:11,937 oil has gone up $3 a barrel, 91 00:03:11,937 --> 00:03:14,021 the share index is down 14 points, 92 00:03:14,021 --> 00:03:16,035 but I think the main factor is 93 00:03:16,035 --> 00:03:17,138 that the rain has been 94 00:03:17,138 --> 00:03:19,309 tiddling down all morning. 95 00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:21,358 (audience laughing) 96 00:03:21,358 --> 00:03:23,402 - That's absolute piffle, Peacock. 97 00:03:23,402 --> 00:03:24,307 When I've signed these letters, 98 00:03:24,307 --> 00:03:25,410 I shall come out onto the floor 99 00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:26,757 and investigate personally. 100 00:03:26,757 --> 00:03:27,947 - Yes, sir. (phone rings) 101 00:03:27,947 --> 00:03:28,780 - Oh... 102 00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:31,146 - Is that you, Rumbold? 103 00:03:31,146 --> 00:03:32,370 - Oh, yes, sir. 104 00:03:32,370 --> 00:03:35,232 - How are the mid-morning sales figures? 105 00:03:35,232 --> 00:03:37,072 - Well, not too bad, sir, 106 00:03:37,072 --> 00:03:39,702 we're only 28 Pounds down on yesterday. 107 00:03:39,702 --> 00:03:41,729 - You only did 28 Pounds yesterday. 108 00:03:41,729 --> 00:03:43,121 (audience laughing) 109 00:03:43,121 --> 00:03:44,920 How do you account for this? 110 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:45,994 - Well, sir, 111 00:03:45,994 --> 00:03:48,043 there's the recession, 112 00:03:48,043 --> 00:03:49,883 the minimum lending rate has not been cut, 113 00:03:49,883 --> 00:03:52,008 the Russians are still in Afghanistan, 114 00:03:52,008 --> 00:03:54,835 the price of oil has gone up $3 a barrel, 115 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,169 share index has gone down 14 points, 116 00:03:57,169 --> 00:03:59,055 and um, um... 117 00:03:59,055 --> 00:03:59,972 - Tiddling. 118 00:04:01,186 --> 00:04:02,823 - It's been tiddling all morning. 119 00:04:02,823 --> 00:04:04,506 (audience laughing) 120 00:04:04,506 --> 00:04:06,335 - What was that? 121 00:04:06,335 --> 00:04:08,755 - Tiddling, all morning. 122 00:04:08,755 --> 00:04:10,851 - Where are you speaking from? 123 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,169 (audience laughing) 124 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,719 - My office, sir. 125 00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:16,668 - Your office is better equipped than mine. 126 00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:18,670 I'm not pleased, Rumbold. 127 00:04:18,670 --> 00:04:20,435 - Well, neither am I, sir. 128 00:04:20,435 --> 00:04:21,341 - There's a big difference 129 00:04:21,341 --> 00:04:22,728 between me not being pleased 130 00:04:22,728 --> 00:04:25,027 and you not being pleased. 131 00:04:25,027 --> 00:04:26,252 - In what way, sir? 132 00:04:26,252 --> 00:04:27,813 - You could get the chop. 133 00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:30,756 (audience laughing) 134 00:04:30,756 --> 00:04:32,312 - This is very serious, Peacock. 135 00:04:32,312 --> 00:04:33,583 - It is indeed, 136 00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:34,849 you could get the chop. 137 00:04:34,849 --> 00:04:36,248 (audience laughing) 138 00:04:36,248 --> 00:04:37,235 - Well, I'm coming down on the floor 139 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,750 to investigate personally. 140 00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:40,265 - Yes sir, I'll tell them you're on your way. 141 00:04:40,265 --> 00:04:41,368 - No, you won't! 142 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:42,796 I want to see what they're doing. 143 00:04:42,796 --> 00:04:45,571 Or more importantly, what they're not doing. 144 00:04:45,571 --> 00:04:47,417 - After you, sir. 145 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,913 - Look out, Rumbold's coming on the floor! 146 00:04:49,913 --> 00:04:50,969 - As I was saying, sir, 147 00:04:50,969 --> 00:04:52,072 it's been a very quiet morning, 148 00:04:52,072 --> 00:04:53,100 so we've busied ourselves 149 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,114 tidying the place up. 150 00:04:55,114 --> 00:04:57,001 You know the old saying, sir. 151 00:04:57,001 --> 00:05:00,001 The Devil finds work for idle hands. 152 00:05:01,354 --> 00:05:04,506 (audience laughing) 153 00:05:04,506 --> 00:05:06,312 - If you've been so busy tidying up, Peacock, 154 00:05:06,312 --> 00:05:07,618 what's this paper doing here. 155 00:05:07,618 --> 00:05:08,958 - A customer left it, sir. 156 00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:10,595 - I thought we hadn't had any customers? 157 00:05:10,595 --> 00:05:11,500 - Well, we haven't had any customers 158 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:12,772 that bought anything. 159 00:05:12,772 --> 00:05:14,409 - He came in, left his paper, 160 00:05:14,409 --> 00:05:17,898 and went out again. (audience laughing) 161 00:05:17,898 --> 00:05:19,860 - 36 Copthorne Avenue. 162 00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:21,624 Isn't that your address, Captain Peacock? 163 00:05:21,624 --> 00:05:22,855 - Yes, sir. 164 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,161 - Perhaps you would like to explain 165 00:05:24,161 --> 00:05:27,029 why your address is on a customer's paper? 166 00:05:27,029 --> 00:05:29,403 - I would like to explain, Mr. Rumbold. 167 00:05:29,403 --> 00:05:31,899 - Would you like me to explain, Captain Peacock? 168 00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,792 - I'd like that even more, Mr. Humphries. 169 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:34,625 (audience laughing) 170 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,653 - The customer came in for some golf clubs. 171 00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:38,743 - We don't sell golf clubs here. 172 00:05:38,743 --> 00:05:40,874 - I know, that's why he went out again. 173 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,139 But while we were chatting, 174 00:05:42,139 --> 00:05:44,188 he did imply that he remembered 175 00:05:44,188 --> 00:05:46,313 playing a round with me at Gleneagles. 176 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,072 (audience laughing) 177 00:05:48,072 --> 00:05:49,221 I denied it vehemently. 178 00:05:49,221 --> 00:05:50,115 I mean, I have never been 179 00:05:50,115 --> 00:05:51,990 on a golf course in my life. 180 00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:53,470 Well, not in daylight, anyway. 181 00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:55,229 (audience laughing) 182 00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:56,414 But he said he'd like my address 183 00:05:56,414 --> 00:05:58,445 so that if he remembered where it was we met, 184 00:05:58,445 --> 00:05:59,746 he could write to me. 185 00:05:59,746 --> 00:06:01,220 Well, I didn't want to get embroiled, 186 00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:02,053 so I took the liberty 187 00:06:02,053 --> 00:06:04,169 of putting Captain Peacock's address. 188 00:06:04,169 --> 00:06:05,754 That's why Captain Peacock's address 189 00:06:05,754 --> 00:06:08,035 appears on the bottom of that paper. 190 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,962 - That is quite correct, sir. 191 00:06:09,962 --> 00:06:11,930 - Then why didn't he take it with him? 192 00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:15,709 - Yes, why didn't he take it with him, Mr Humphries? 193 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:16,737 - Well, I've done my part of the story. 194 00:06:16,737 --> 00:06:19,680 It's up to you now. (audience laughing) 195 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,735 - Well sir, since this all occurred 196 00:06:21,735 --> 00:06:23,041 while I was in your office, 197 00:06:23,041 --> 00:06:25,694 I can throw no further light on the matter. 198 00:06:25,694 --> 00:06:27,168 - He's not very bright. 199 00:06:27,168 --> 00:06:28,149 He's only done two clues 200 00:06:28,149 --> 00:06:29,131 in the crossword puzzle, 201 00:06:29,131 --> 00:06:31,098 and one of those is wrong. (audience laughing) 202 00:06:31,098 --> 00:06:33,345 - He didn't look very well, sir. 203 00:06:33,345 --> 00:06:35,812 He looked to me as though he'd got measles. 204 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:36,645 (audience chuckling) 205 00:06:36,645 --> 00:06:38,680 - Well, obviously, something is radically wrong. 206 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,783 Gather round, everybody. 207 00:06:39,783 --> 00:06:41,333 - Come along. 208 00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:42,639 - Now this is one of the lowest figures 209 00:06:42,639 --> 00:06:44,032 we have ever had. 210 00:06:44,032 --> 00:06:46,081 - Eh, what was the one below that then? 211 00:06:46,081 --> 00:06:47,062 - When we didn't sell anything 212 00:06:47,062 --> 00:06:49,274 all day, and fired the junior. 213 00:06:49,274 --> 00:06:51,323 (audience chuckling) 214 00:06:51,323 --> 00:06:52,844 - Well, if people won't buy, 215 00:06:52,844 --> 00:06:54,556 it's not our fault. 216 00:06:54,556 --> 00:06:56,565 - On the contrary, it is your fault. 217 00:06:56,565 --> 00:06:58,678 Now let me paint you a parallel picture. 218 00:06:58,678 --> 00:07:00,605 Think of a half-full jam pot 219 00:07:00,605 --> 00:07:01,795 with a hole in the lid. 220 00:07:01,795 --> 00:07:03,264 Now, a wasp comes along, 221 00:07:03,264 --> 00:07:04,692 climbs through, because 222 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,242 he's attracted to the jam, 223 00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:07,513 and gets his feet stuck. 224 00:07:07,513 --> 00:07:09,069 Now what can we learn from this. 225 00:07:09,069 --> 00:07:10,131 - Well, we want to have a little hole 226 00:07:10,131 --> 00:07:11,315 instead of the lift doors, 227 00:07:11,315 --> 00:07:13,974 paint the floor with glue, 228 00:07:13,974 --> 00:07:14,807 and we'll end up with 229 00:07:14,807 --> 00:07:16,232 a store full of dead customers. 230 00:07:16,232 --> 00:07:17,828 (audience laughing) 231 00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:19,790 - All right, I'll put it more plainly. 232 00:07:19,790 --> 00:07:22,007 Now you are the jam. 233 00:07:22,007 --> 00:07:23,697 Once a customer gets to the counter, 234 00:07:23,697 --> 00:07:25,049 you must capture his attention, 235 00:07:25,049 --> 00:07:26,030 and not release him 236 00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:27,505 until you've made a sale. 237 00:07:27,505 --> 00:07:28,608 - That's all very well, 238 00:07:28,608 --> 00:07:29,441 but half of them 239 00:07:29,441 --> 00:07:31,092 crawl through the little hole, 240 00:07:31,092 --> 00:07:32,033 and then buzz off 241 00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:33,879 as soon as they see Captain Peacock. 242 00:07:33,879 --> 00:07:35,434 (audience laughs) 243 00:07:35,434 --> 00:07:37,472 - It's his forbidding stare. 244 00:07:37,472 --> 00:07:38,952 (audience laughing) 245 00:07:38,952 --> 00:07:40,102 - Well, perhaps we're getting 246 00:07:40,102 --> 00:07:40,935 to the bottom of it. 247 00:07:40,935 --> 00:07:42,064 Maybe we've got the wrong mixture 248 00:07:42,064 --> 00:07:43,457 of personalities here. 249 00:07:43,457 --> 00:07:44,606 Look, let's try something. 250 00:07:44,606 --> 00:07:47,224 Let's have Mr. Humphries greeting the customers. 251 00:07:47,224 --> 00:07:49,959 He has a genial, outgoing personality, 252 00:07:49,959 --> 00:07:52,693 let's see, let's see how that works. 253 00:07:52,693 --> 00:07:54,777 - We may have to wait quite a time, sir. 254 00:07:54,777 --> 00:07:56,083 There aren't any customers. 255 00:07:56,083 --> 00:07:57,342 - Oh, that doesn't have to be a problem. 256 00:07:57,342 --> 00:07:58,207 I'll be a customer. 257 00:07:58,207 --> 00:07:59,040 - Here! 258 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,145 You're totally ignoring our side, aren't you? 259 00:08:01,145 --> 00:08:03,679 I mean, we get customers and all, you know! 260 00:08:03,679 --> 00:08:06,387 Why can't Mrs Slocombe be a lady customer? 261 00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:08,476 - Why can't you mind your own business? 262 00:08:08,476 --> 00:08:09,309 (audience laughing) 263 00:08:09,309 --> 00:08:11,222 - You know, I think that's a very good idea. 264 00:08:11,222 --> 00:08:13,519 Look, you can be my wife, Mrs Slocombe. 265 00:08:13,519 --> 00:08:15,608 Now, we are, let's say, 266 00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:17,048 a typical married couple, 267 00:08:17,048 --> 00:08:18,389 coming into the store. 268 00:08:18,389 --> 00:08:19,904 We've been married for 10 years, 269 00:08:19,904 --> 00:08:20,737 we know what we want, 270 00:08:20,737 --> 00:08:23,027 but we don't know where to find it. 271 00:08:23,027 --> 00:08:26,027 (audience laughing) 272 00:08:27,096 --> 00:08:29,587 - It must be magic, being married to you. 273 00:08:29,587 --> 00:08:31,926 (audience laughing) 274 00:08:31,926 --> 00:08:33,070 - Thank you very much. 275 00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:35,781 (audience laughing) 276 00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:37,255 Mrs. Slocombe, where are you going? 277 00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,486 - I'm going up the stairs, 278 00:08:38,486 --> 00:08:41,104 so that I can come out of the little hole. 279 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:44,430 (audience laughing) 280 00:08:44,430 --> 00:08:48,406 Mr. Rumbold, why are you holding my hand? 281 00:08:48,406 --> 00:08:49,753 - You're my wife. 282 00:08:49,753 --> 00:08:50,902 - Well, what do you think I'm going to do? 283 00:08:50,902 --> 00:08:53,729 Run away? (audience laughing) 284 00:08:53,729 --> 00:08:54,562 - [Humphries] Good morning, sir. 285 00:08:54,562 --> 00:08:55,395 Good morning, Madam. 286 00:08:55,395 --> 00:08:56,388 Dreadful morning, isn't it? 287 00:08:56,388 --> 00:08:57,584 - Yes, indeed, yes. (chuckles) 288 00:08:57,584 --> 00:08:58,417 - Yes, I haven't known such weather 289 00:08:58,417 --> 00:08:59,877 since my summer holidays. 290 00:08:59,877 --> 00:09:00,817 (audience laughs) 291 00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:02,536 - Oh well, it's good for the garden, 292 00:09:02,536 --> 00:09:03,369 though, isn't it? 293 00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:04,416 - Yes, have you got a big one? 294 00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,210 - Not that big. (audience laughing) 295 00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:08,996 - Well, it's the best sort. 296 00:09:08,996 --> 00:09:10,796 We must have wanted something very badly 297 00:09:10,796 --> 00:09:12,514 to have come in weather like this? 298 00:09:12,514 --> 00:09:13,658 - Well, to tell you the truth, 299 00:09:13,658 --> 00:09:15,417 we're not sure what we want. 300 00:09:15,417 --> 00:09:18,697 - I see, well, our evening bags are very reasonable. 301 00:09:18,697 --> 00:09:20,461 - Oh, they are nice, aren't they? 302 00:09:20,461 --> 00:09:21,294 - How much are they? 303 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,507 - 15 Pounds, reduced from 25. (audience laughing) 304 00:09:24,507 --> 00:09:26,597 - Oh, then, you can have one, my dear. 305 00:09:26,597 --> 00:09:29,302 - Oh, how sweet of you. 306 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,357 Sale, Miss Brahms. 307 00:09:31,357 --> 00:09:33,285 - Well, after a night out at the opera, 308 00:09:33,285 --> 00:09:34,173 with the evening bag, 309 00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:35,775 what could be nicer than to go home 310 00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:38,143 and slip into one of our nighties? 311 00:09:38,143 --> 00:09:39,420 28 Pounds. 312 00:09:39,420 --> 00:09:40,274 (audience laughing) 313 00:09:40,274 --> 00:09:42,532 - It's rather transparent, isn't it? 314 00:09:42,532 --> 00:09:44,122 - Yes, well to overcome that complaint, sir, 315 00:09:44,122 --> 00:09:46,497 I usually sell them two. 316 00:09:46,497 --> 00:09:48,081 It's called the Salome look. 317 00:09:48,081 --> 00:09:52,429 Now you see it, now you don't. (audience laughing) 318 00:09:52,429 --> 00:09:54,109 - In your case, you don't. 319 00:09:54,109 --> 00:09:56,039 (audience laughing) 320 00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:57,880 - And we have a special offer today. 321 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,154 The perfume, there (chuckles) 322 00:10:01,154 --> 00:10:03,243 - It's a bit strong, isn't it? 323 00:10:03,243 --> 00:10:05,414 - It's called Power Failure. 324 00:10:05,414 --> 00:10:06,691 (audience laughing) 325 00:10:06,691 --> 00:10:07,524 - Why's that? 326 00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:10,020 - You can always find your wife in the dark. 327 00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:12,364 - That's 77 Pound altogether. 328 00:10:12,364 --> 00:10:13,467 Cash or account? 329 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:14,942 - Account. 330 00:10:14,942 --> 00:10:16,045 There you are, you see. 331 00:10:16,045 --> 00:10:17,798 77 Pounds worth of business 332 00:10:17,798 --> 00:10:19,715 in a couple of minutes. 333 00:10:20,712 --> 00:10:22,802 genial personality. 334 00:10:22,802 --> 00:10:25,216 - Mr. Rumbold, should Captain Peacock's job 335 00:10:25,216 --> 00:10:26,941 become vacant, I'm not only ready 336 00:10:26,941 --> 00:10:27,881 but willing. 337 00:10:27,881 --> 00:10:29,244 (audience laughing) 338 00:10:29,244 --> 00:10:32,106 - I have you very much in mind, Mr. Humphries. 339 00:10:32,106 --> 00:10:34,486 - Before anybody makes a hasty decision, 340 00:10:34,486 --> 00:10:35,589 might I suggest that 341 00:10:35,589 --> 00:10:38,039 we do get less cooperative customers? 342 00:10:38,039 --> 00:10:39,798 - What do you mean, Captain Peacock? 343 00:10:39,798 --> 00:10:40,906 - If Mr. Humphries would care 344 00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,091 to play the role again, 345 00:10:42,091 --> 00:10:43,431 perhaps I could demonstrate. 346 00:10:43,431 --> 00:10:45,521 - I'm sure Mr. Humphries will oblige. 347 00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,327 - Perhaps Miss Brahms will be my wife? 348 00:10:47,327 --> 00:10:48,836 - Don't be daft, a girl her age 349 00:10:48,836 --> 00:10:51,947 would never marry you. (audience laughing) 350 00:10:51,947 --> 00:10:52,934 - Come to that, a man of my age 351 00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:55,715 would never marry you. (audience laughing) 352 00:10:55,715 --> 00:10:57,311 - Well, 'tis only make-believe, 353 00:10:57,311 --> 00:10:58,664 don't let's argue. 354 00:10:58,664 --> 00:10:59,497 - Very well. 355 00:10:59,497 --> 00:11:01,241 Let's get upstairs, Mrs. Slocombe. 356 00:11:01,241 --> 00:11:03,209 - I'll bet it's a long time 357 00:11:03,209 --> 00:11:05,049 since anyone's said that to you. 358 00:11:05,049 --> 00:11:07,917 (audience laughing) 359 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,834 - Shut up. (audience laughing) 360 00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:10,975 - Now, now, now, just a moment. 361 00:11:10,975 --> 00:11:15,146 Remember, you are a typical, suburban married couple. 362 00:11:15,146 --> 00:11:17,355 - I object to that word, suburban. 363 00:11:17,355 --> 00:11:19,352 - Well, how would you describe yourself? 364 00:11:19,352 --> 00:11:21,523 - Upper-Middle-Class. 365 00:11:21,523 --> 00:11:23,206 - Have you got two bathrooms in your house? 366 00:11:23,206 --> 00:11:24,039 - No. 367 00:11:24,039 --> 00:11:25,906 - Have you got gnomes in your garden? 368 00:11:25,906 --> 00:11:27,461 - Couple of very small ones. 369 00:11:27,461 --> 00:11:28,294 - Are you within walking distance of 370 00:11:28,294 --> 00:11:30,893 a metropolitan line station? - Yes. 371 00:11:30,893 --> 00:11:31,908 - You're suburban. 372 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,158 (audience laughing) 373 00:11:34,158 --> 00:11:36,173 - Oh, come on, let's get on with it. 374 00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:39,006 - Good morning, sir, good morning, madam. 375 00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:39,839 - It is quite plain 376 00:11:39,839 --> 00:11:41,061 to anybody but a bird-brain, 377 00:11:41,061 --> 00:11:42,814 that it is nothing like a good morning. 378 00:11:42,814 --> 00:11:44,376 It's teeming with rain. 379 00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:45,722 - It's good for the garden. 380 00:11:45,722 --> 00:11:46,703 - On the contrary, 381 00:11:46,703 --> 00:11:48,381 my fish pond has been flooded, 382 00:11:48,381 --> 00:11:49,327 all my goldfish have been 383 00:11:49,327 --> 00:11:50,302 sluiced into the gutter. 384 00:11:50,302 --> 00:11:52,230 Heaven knows where they are now. 385 00:11:52,230 --> 00:11:55,422 - Lost in Suburbia. (audience laughing) 386 00:11:55,422 --> 00:11:56,485 - Well, you must have wanted something 387 00:11:56,485 --> 00:11:58,609 very badly, to come out in weather like this. 388 00:11:58,609 --> 00:12:00,699 - We do, a handbag. 389 00:12:00,699 --> 00:12:02,087 - I'm not buying you a handbag. 390 00:12:02,087 --> 00:12:03,637 - Come sir, you can't have madam 391 00:12:03,637 --> 00:12:06,721 walking around with an old bag on her arm? 392 00:12:06,721 --> 00:12:07,847 (audience laughing) 393 00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:08,680 - Why not? 394 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,070 I've been doing it for years. 395 00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:10,903 (audience laughing) 396 00:12:10,903 --> 00:12:11,736 - (gasps) Cheeky monkey! 397 00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:12,569 - Ow! 398 00:12:14,544 --> 00:12:17,734 - Could I interest you in our see-through nighties? 399 00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:19,534 - What have you got in corrugated iron? 400 00:12:19,534 --> 00:12:20,881 (audience laughing) 401 00:12:20,881 --> 00:12:21,943 - Look, I'm not playing, 402 00:12:21,943 --> 00:12:23,696 if he's going on like this! 403 00:12:23,696 --> 00:12:24,529 (audience laughing) 404 00:12:24,529 --> 00:12:25,983 - What about something for yourself, sir? 405 00:12:25,983 --> 00:12:27,498 A pair of gloves, for instance. 406 00:12:27,498 --> 00:12:28,973 Do you know, we have hundreds and hundreds 407 00:12:28,973 --> 00:12:30,285 of pairs to choose from. 408 00:12:30,285 --> 00:12:31,118 - Serve you right 409 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,241 for buying so many. 410 00:12:32,241 --> 00:12:33,303 (audience laughing) 411 00:12:33,303 --> 00:12:34,690 - You're being deliberately 412 00:12:34,690 --> 00:12:36,333 pig-headed and obstinate. 413 00:12:36,333 --> 00:12:37,517 - What a way to talk to a customer! 414 00:12:37,517 --> 00:12:38,783 I shall take my trade elsewhere. 415 00:12:38,783 --> 00:12:39,973 - Do that! 416 00:12:39,973 --> 00:12:40,954 - Come along, Hilda! 417 00:12:40,954 --> 00:12:42,469 - I'm not budging from this spot 418 00:12:42,469 --> 00:12:43,659 until you've bought me something, 419 00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:45,046 you mean old skinflint! 420 00:12:45,046 --> 00:12:46,393 - I've got better things 421 00:12:46,393 --> 00:12:47,867 to spend my money on than you, 422 00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,179 you old ratbag! (audience laughing) 423 00:12:49,179 --> 00:12:52,331 - Well, he spent 77 Pounds on me! 424 00:12:52,331 --> 00:12:53,164 - Well, as far as I'm concerned, 425 00:12:53,164 --> 00:12:53,997 he can have you! 426 00:12:53,997 --> 00:12:54,990 (all shouting indignantly) 427 00:12:54,990 --> 00:12:56,871 - I'm just trying to demonstrate-- 428 00:12:56,871 --> 00:12:58,502 - Be quiet! 429 00:12:58,502 --> 00:13:00,226 No wonder you're not selling anything, 430 00:13:00,226 --> 00:13:02,182 if this is the way you carry on! 431 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,603 Anyway, it's made my mind up for me. 432 00:13:04,603 --> 00:13:07,430 I'm going to knock your wages down by 10%. 433 00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:08,382 (all gasp) 434 00:13:08,382 --> 00:13:09,816 - With respect, Mr. Grace, 435 00:13:09,816 --> 00:13:11,250 that is outrageous! 436 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:12,083 - It's either that, 437 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,334 or I shall move your whole department 438 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:16,480 down into the bargain basement. 439 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,664 - But it's nearly all storage! 440 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,377 Nobody goes down there! 441 00:13:19,377 --> 00:13:20,567 - Judging from your figures, 442 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,366 nobody'd know the difference. 443 00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:24,706 (audience laughing) 444 00:13:24,706 --> 00:13:26,993 There, that told them. 445 00:13:26,993 --> 00:13:28,973 Does power like that excite you? 446 00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:30,615 - Oh, yes sir. 447 00:13:30,615 --> 00:13:32,990 - Good, you're easily pleased. 448 00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:34,331 (audience laughing) 449 00:13:34,331 --> 00:13:37,065 (cash register jingling and clashing) 450 00:13:37,065 --> 00:13:39,404 - Ooh, it's so humiliating! 451 00:13:39,404 --> 00:13:41,651 I never thought that at my time of life, 452 00:13:41,651 --> 00:13:44,472 I'd be reduced to the bargain basement. 453 00:13:44,472 --> 00:13:45,946 - You keep on eating those cream cakes, 454 00:13:45,946 --> 00:13:47,502 nobody'll know you've been reduced. 455 00:13:47,502 --> 00:13:49,876 (audience laughing) 456 00:13:49,876 --> 00:13:50,782 - I keep thinking, 457 00:13:50,782 --> 00:13:52,918 what will they say about us in the trade? 458 00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:55,252 A gents' department in the bargain basement 459 00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:56,883 is unprecedented! 460 00:13:56,883 --> 00:13:58,026 I'll be the laughing stock 461 00:13:58,026 --> 00:13:59,298 of Swan and Edgar's. 462 00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:01,747 - My mother will have to resign from the Co-op. 463 00:14:01,747 --> 00:14:04,122 (audience laughing) 464 00:14:04,122 --> 00:14:06,304 - I think I ought to look for another job. 465 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,326 - What could you do? 466 00:14:07,326 --> 00:14:09,004 - What do you mean, what could I do? 467 00:14:09,004 --> 00:14:10,269 I've got my brain, 468 00:14:10,269 --> 00:14:12,359 I've got my eyes, my senses, 469 00:14:12,359 --> 00:14:14,292 my hands, my feet. 470 00:14:14,292 --> 00:14:15,685 - You could be a guide dog. 471 00:14:15,685 --> 00:14:18,685 (audience laughing) 472 00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:21,258 - It's all right for Miss Brahms, 473 00:14:21,258 --> 00:14:23,476 I mean, she can always get married to somebody, 474 00:14:23,476 --> 00:14:24,416 who'll keep her in the manner 475 00:14:24,416 --> 00:14:25,931 to which she's been accustomed. 476 00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:26,871 - I don't want to 477 00:14:26,871 --> 00:14:29,658 live in the manner to which I've become accustomed. 478 00:14:29,658 --> 00:14:31,202 I mean, comin' in 'ere, every day, 479 00:14:31,202 --> 00:14:32,508 Larry Grayson Saturday, 480 00:14:32,508 --> 00:14:34,848 roast and two veg Sunday. 481 00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:35,991 I want some excitement! 482 00:14:35,991 --> 00:14:38,162 I want to do something with me life. 483 00:14:38,162 --> 00:14:39,312 I'm looking for Dallas, 484 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,814 and all I'm gettin' is Coronation Street. 485 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,462 (audience laughing) 486 00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:44,295 - You're lucky. 487 00:14:44,295 --> 00:14:45,302 All I'm gettin' is Jackanory. 488 00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:48,302 (audience laughing) 489 00:14:49,441 --> 00:14:52,396 - Life is very dull today. 490 00:14:52,396 --> 00:14:53,563 - I was lucky. 491 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,407 I had the war. 492 00:14:56,407 --> 00:14:58,903 - You could become a mercenary, Captain Peacock. 493 00:14:58,903 --> 00:15:00,999 - I don't think mercenaries have a Pay Corps. 494 00:15:00,999 --> 00:15:03,739 - I was not in the Pay Corps, Mr. Humphries. 495 00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:06,032 I was with the RASC in the desert. 496 00:15:06,032 --> 00:15:07,373 - Running the cook-house. 497 00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,335 (audience laughs) - I was in the front line! 498 00:15:09,335 --> 00:15:12,313 Often with 24 hours of constant shelling. 499 00:15:12,313 --> 00:15:13,543 - Yeah, and when he finished the peas, 500 00:15:13,543 --> 00:15:14,971 he had to get on with the potatoes. 501 00:15:14,971 --> 00:15:17,971 (audience laughing) 502 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,229 - Well, speaking for myself, 503 00:15:21,229 --> 00:15:24,306 and I am unanimous in this, 504 00:15:24,306 --> 00:15:25,443 (audience chuckles) I can't afford 505 00:15:25,443 --> 00:15:27,945 to take a 10% pay cut. 506 00:15:27,945 --> 00:15:29,008 - You could easily make it up. 507 00:15:29,008 --> 00:15:30,227 Send your pussy out to work. 508 00:15:30,227 --> 00:15:33,013 (audience laughing) 509 00:15:33,013 --> 00:15:33,846 - It's against my nature, 510 00:15:33,846 --> 00:15:35,591 but I'm feeling very militant. 511 00:15:35,591 --> 00:15:37,100 - What are you going to do about it? 512 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,474 - Well, I'm not going to take a 10% cut, 513 00:15:39,474 --> 00:15:41,430 and I'm not going down to the basement. 514 00:15:41,430 --> 00:15:42,263 In a nutshell, 515 00:15:42,263 --> 00:15:44,165 I'm not going to take this sitting down. 516 00:15:44,165 --> 00:15:45,639 - What are you suggesting? 517 00:15:45,639 --> 00:15:46,910 - A sit-in! 518 00:15:46,910 --> 00:15:49,023 - Yes, but if we have a sit-in in the department, 519 00:15:49,023 --> 00:15:50,985 no one will know. 520 00:15:50,985 --> 00:15:53,900 - Can't we have a sit-in outside the front door? 521 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,198 - No, no, no, no, no, no. 522 00:15:55,198 --> 00:15:56,031 All they've got to do 523 00:15:56,031 --> 00:15:56,864 is bolt the door, 524 00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:58,114 and we're locked out in the cold. 525 00:15:58,114 --> 00:15:59,954 - Yeah, we'd have to stand round a brassiere 526 00:15:59,954 --> 00:16:01,185 like the firemen. 527 00:16:01,185 --> 00:16:02,694 (audience laughing) 528 00:16:02,694 --> 00:16:03,919 - A brazier, Miss Brahms. 529 00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:06,299 You don't have a fire in a brassiere. 530 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,060 - Ooh, you haven't seen her at the disco. 531 00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:10,128 (audience laughing) 532 00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:13,280 - We want to inconvenience them. 533 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,789 - I'm not sitting in the loo. 534 00:16:14,789 --> 00:16:16,722 (audience laughing) 535 00:16:16,722 --> 00:16:19,050 - I had a friend once, in Wormwood Scrubs, 536 00:16:19,050 --> 00:16:20,397 and he had a grievance, 537 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:21,506 and he went up on the roof, 538 00:16:21,506 --> 00:16:22,812 wrapped up in a blanket 539 00:16:22,812 --> 00:16:24,066 with a bucket on his head, 540 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,383 and he wouldn't come down 541 00:16:25,383 --> 00:16:27,345 'til his demands had been met. 542 00:16:27,345 --> 00:16:28,692 - What was he demanding? 543 00:16:28,692 --> 00:16:30,329 - Someone to help him off with his bucket. 544 00:16:30,329 --> 00:16:31,920 (audience laughing) 545 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,300 - You know, I like the idea of the roof. 546 00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:37,237 It will alert the public to our grievances. 547 00:16:37,237 --> 00:16:38,299 Right, who's with me? 548 00:16:38,299 --> 00:16:40,221 - Well, what have we got to lose? 549 00:16:40,221 --> 00:16:43,582 - Right, 9:30 tomorrow morning, on the roof. 550 00:16:43,582 --> 00:16:47,384 (cash register jingling and clashing) 551 00:16:47,384 --> 00:16:49,805 - It's nearly 9:30, where is everybody? 552 00:16:49,805 --> 00:16:51,483 - Don't ask me. 553 00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:52,876 - Well, they were supposed to be here early 554 00:16:52,876 --> 00:16:55,534 to help move the stock down into the basement. 555 00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:57,999 (lift bell pinging) 556 00:16:57,999 --> 00:16:59,093 (audience chuckles) 557 00:16:59,093 --> 00:17:00,831 Ah, about time, 558 00:17:00,831 --> 00:17:01,664 come on, you lot, you're late! 559 00:17:01,664 --> 00:17:03,347 (all blowing raspberry) 560 00:17:03,347 --> 00:17:07,430 (audience laughing and clapping) 561 00:17:09,837 --> 00:17:11,025 - Come on now, hurry up! 562 00:17:11,025 --> 00:17:12,308 Out you come, out you come! 563 00:17:12,308 --> 00:17:13,841 - Horrible coming up here! 564 00:17:13,841 --> 00:17:15,545 - Really, Captain Peacock! 565 00:17:15,545 --> 00:17:17,239 - Hurry up, Mr. Humphries. 566 00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:19,022 We've gotta get this door barred, 567 00:17:19,022 --> 00:17:20,903 before anyone pursues us. 568 00:17:20,903 --> 00:17:21,736 - Oh, that's torn it. 569 00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,103 There's no bolt on the outside, 570 00:17:23,103 --> 00:17:24,339 and the key is missing. 571 00:17:24,339 --> 00:17:26,179 - I've thought of every eventuality, Mr. Humphries. 572 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,404 I came up here on a recce. 573 00:17:27,404 --> 00:17:29,345 Now look, hold that against there. 574 00:17:29,345 --> 00:17:31,032 There we are, hang on. 575 00:17:31,032 --> 00:17:33,615 (wood tapping) 576 00:17:36,314 --> 00:17:37,147 There. 577 00:17:37,147 --> 00:17:39,095 - Right, well... 578 00:17:39,095 --> 00:17:41,643 We're up here, now what do we do? 579 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:43,077 - Well, we have to alert the public 580 00:17:43,077 --> 00:17:44,099 to our grievances. 581 00:17:44,099 --> 00:17:45,771 - Yeah, like her friend from Wormwood Scrubs. 582 00:17:45,771 --> 00:17:47,396 - I'm not putting a bucket on my head, 583 00:17:47,396 --> 00:17:49,120 and I am unanimous in that! 584 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:49,953 (audience laughing) 585 00:17:49,953 --> 00:17:52,238 - No, no, no, we need to shout over the parapet. 586 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,124 - That's a good idea! 587 00:17:54,124 --> 00:17:54,957 Oi! 588 00:17:55,883 --> 00:17:56,992 - It's not good shouting oi, 589 00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,350 they think we're workman! 590 00:17:58,350 --> 00:17:59,616 - What, dressed like this? 591 00:17:59,616 --> 00:18:01,369 - We need a slogan to shout! 592 00:18:01,369 --> 00:18:05,536 - How about, Grace Brothers, unfair to salespersons! 593 00:18:06,529 --> 00:18:07,429 - Very good. - Great! 594 00:18:07,429 --> 00:18:08,811 Look there's a load of people down there. 595 00:18:08,811 --> 00:18:09,751 Let's try it. 596 00:18:09,751 --> 00:18:11,301 - Ready? Go! 597 00:18:11,301 --> 00:18:14,893 - [All] Grace Brothers, unfair to salespersons! 598 00:18:14,893 --> 00:18:15,792 - No, no, no, no, look, 599 00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:16,895 we need to get it together. 600 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,145 Now, follow me. 601 00:18:19,548 --> 00:18:24,105 - Right, Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons! 602 00:18:24,105 --> 00:18:25,707 - Mr Grossman. - Yes? 603 00:18:25,707 --> 00:18:27,710 - Look you're doing unfair on one beat. 604 00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:28,543 It should be two. 605 00:18:28,543 --> 00:18:29,991 Un, fair. 606 00:18:29,991 --> 00:18:32,696 Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons. 607 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:33,974 Now, all together. 608 00:18:33,974 --> 00:18:37,567 - [All] Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons! 609 00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:38,400 - Again. 610 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,212 - [All] Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons! 611 00:18:41,212 --> 00:18:42,234 - Good, now quick, 612 00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:43,067 while you've got it, 613 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,486 turn round and do it over the parapet. 614 00:18:44,486 --> 00:18:47,405 (audience laughing) 615 00:18:47,405 --> 00:18:51,707 - [All] Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons! 616 00:18:51,707 --> 00:18:53,059 - Ooh look, he's seen us! 617 00:18:53,059 --> 00:18:53,892 - Who, who? 618 00:18:53,892 --> 00:18:55,138 - That little baby in the pram. 619 00:18:55,138 --> 00:18:56,043 Look he's beating time 620 00:18:56,043 --> 00:18:57,436 with his rattle. 621 00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:58,870 - So he is. 622 00:18:58,870 --> 00:19:00,995 Too-tee-too-tee-too-tee-too-tee! 623 00:19:00,995 --> 00:19:02,103 - Oh, they obviously can't hear us. 624 00:19:02,103 --> 00:19:03,659 We've got to find some other way 625 00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:05,488 of attracting their attention. 626 00:19:05,488 --> 00:19:07,938 - Well, let's chuck over a message in a bottle. 627 00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,122 - We don't want to kill anybody, 628 00:19:09,122 --> 00:19:11,159 we just want to attract their attention. 629 00:19:11,159 --> 00:19:13,121 - What about a paper dart? 630 00:19:13,121 --> 00:19:14,027 I used to make paper darts 631 00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:15,549 when I was a mixed infant. 632 00:19:15,549 --> 00:19:16,403 (audience laughing) 633 00:19:16,403 --> 00:19:17,236 I once used one to 634 00:19:17,236 --> 00:19:18,069 propose to a little girl, 635 00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:18,902 six desks away. (chuckles) 636 00:19:18,902 --> 00:19:20,626 - Oh, isn't that sweet! 637 00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:21,886 Did she accept? 638 00:19:21,886 --> 00:19:22,995 - No, somebody sneezed, 639 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,079 and the little boy next to her got it. 640 00:19:25,079 --> 00:19:26,309 You know, he still writes to me 641 00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:27,830 from a Benedictine monastery. 642 00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:28,730 (audience laughs) 643 00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:30,082 - I've got a list of our demands here, 644 00:19:30,082 --> 00:19:32,283 now that should be ideal for a paper dart. 645 00:19:32,283 --> 00:19:33,386 Here we are, Humphries. 646 00:19:33,386 --> 00:19:34,352 Fold it. 647 00:19:34,352 --> 00:19:35,444 - Thank you! 648 00:19:35,444 --> 00:19:36,602 Yes, fold it in two. 649 00:19:36,602 --> 00:19:37,461 - That's right, you know, 650 00:19:37,461 --> 00:19:38,396 I used to be quite good at that. 651 00:19:38,396 --> 00:19:39,626 - Fold that... - Were you really? 652 00:19:39,626 --> 00:19:40,459 - Yes. - Hard to believe. 653 00:19:40,459 --> 00:19:42,634 - And those bits down that side up, 654 00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:44,301 and turn those over. 655 00:19:45,158 --> 00:19:46,952 There you are, Captain Peacock. 656 00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:48,525 - Mr Humphries, that is not a paper dart, 657 00:19:48,525 --> 00:19:49,637 it's a paper hat. 658 00:19:49,637 --> 00:19:51,280 (audience laughing) 659 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,423 - (chuckles) So it is. 660 00:19:52,423 --> 00:19:54,188 That was another time, entirely. 661 00:19:54,188 --> 00:19:55,790 He was a vice admiral. 662 00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:56,812 - Do you know, 663 00:19:56,812 --> 00:19:59,018 your life isn't like Jackanory at all. 664 00:19:59,018 --> 00:20:00,742 It's more like Blue Peter. 665 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,536 - Fate has intervened. 666 00:20:02,536 --> 00:20:03,882 I've found a pot of red paint. 667 00:20:03,882 --> 00:20:04,945 - Well, what good's that? 668 00:20:04,945 --> 00:20:06,210 - We could paint the slogan on the wall, 669 00:20:06,210 --> 00:20:07,307 they'll see it all over London. 670 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,890 (all chattering excitedly) 671 00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:16,571 - Well go on then, get cracking! 672 00:20:16,571 --> 00:20:17,692 - Ooh, no, no, I can't do it. 673 00:20:17,692 --> 00:20:19,741 I've got no head for heights. 674 00:20:19,741 --> 00:20:21,209 I can't even take tall girls out. 675 00:20:21,209 --> 00:20:22,324 - I'll gladly do it, 676 00:20:22,324 --> 00:20:24,402 if someone wouldn't mind holding my truss. 677 00:20:24,402 --> 00:20:25,588 (audience laughs) - Come on, Captain Peacock. 678 00:20:25,588 --> 00:20:27,060 We'll hang onto your coat tails. 679 00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:28,860 - I'm afraid I must decline. 680 00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:31,362 - I thought you was a fearless soldier. 681 00:20:31,362 --> 00:20:32,221 - Yeah, he wasn't trained 682 00:20:32,221 --> 00:20:34,264 to shell peas upside down. 683 00:20:34,264 --> 00:20:36,934 - You're just plain scared. - I am not scared! 684 00:20:36,934 --> 00:20:37,767 I'll show you what 685 00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:38,978 the men of my corps were made of! 686 00:20:38,978 --> 00:20:39,811 Here! 687 00:20:41,224 --> 00:20:42,821 (shouts) 688 00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:46,147 - Ooh, weak as water, the whole lot of you! 689 00:20:46,147 --> 00:20:47,621 Here, give that to me. 690 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:50,942 I do all me own decorating at home. 691 00:20:50,942 --> 00:20:52,085 - Well, be careful. 692 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:55,069 - Right, hang onto me ankles! 693 00:20:55,069 --> 00:20:55,934 (audience chuckling) 694 00:20:55,934 --> 00:20:57,693 Now, eh, what was that slogan again? 695 00:20:57,693 --> 00:20:58,842 - Grace-- - Arrgh! 696 00:20:58,842 --> 00:20:59,675 Hold on! 697 00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:03,254 - Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons! 698 00:21:03,254 --> 00:21:05,087 - Right, Grace, guh... 699 00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,095 (audience laughing) 700 00:21:08,095 --> 00:21:09,407 Do you think they'll be able to see that 701 00:21:09,407 --> 00:21:11,863 from down there, is it big enough? 702 00:21:11,863 --> 00:21:12,722 - Flippin' hell, 703 00:21:12,722 --> 00:21:13,617 it's big enough to be seen from up here! 704 00:21:13,617 --> 00:21:14,450 (audience laughing) 705 00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,283 - There's only one problem. 706 00:21:15,283 --> 00:21:17,016 They will have to stand on their heads. 707 00:21:17,016 --> 00:21:18,520 You're writing upside-down. 708 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,284 - Oh, pull me up, I'm getting dizzy. 709 00:21:20,284 --> 00:21:21,718 - Right, give me your hand, Mrs Slocombe. 710 00:21:21,718 --> 00:21:23,715 - Ooh! I dropped the pot! (audience laughing) 711 00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:27,181 - Well, we've attracted attention now, all right. 712 00:21:27,181 --> 00:21:28,289 - Somehow, I don't think 713 00:21:28,289 --> 00:21:30,704 a red policeman's going to be on our side. 714 00:21:30,704 --> 00:21:32,829 - I don't think you are managing this very well, 715 00:21:32,829 --> 00:21:33,662 Captain Peacock. 716 00:21:33,662 --> 00:21:34,495 - What do you mean? 717 00:21:34,495 --> 00:21:36,556 - Well, by now they know we're up here. 718 00:21:36,556 --> 00:21:38,930 But they don't know that we are being militant! 719 00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:41,020 - Yeah, or what we're being militant about! 720 00:21:41,020 --> 00:21:42,854 - We came up here much too soon. 721 00:21:42,854 --> 00:21:43,922 The first thing we should have done 722 00:21:43,922 --> 00:21:44,990 was to tell Mr Grace 723 00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:47,196 what our grievances were. 724 00:21:47,196 --> 00:21:48,793 - Well, it's too late now. 725 00:21:48,793 --> 00:21:50,023 We're cut off. 726 00:21:50,023 --> 00:21:50,856 - Oh no, it isn't. 727 00:21:50,856 --> 00:21:53,356 Come over here, Mr. Humphries. 728 00:21:54,615 --> 00:21:55,805 - I'm not going to hang meself! 729 00:21:55,805 --> 00:21:57,030 (audience laughing) There hasn't been a martyr 730 00:21:57,030 --> 00:21:58,864 in my family for 500 years! 731 00:21:58,864 --> 00:21:59,764 (audience laughing) (salespeople chattering) 732 00:21:59,764 --> 00:22:00,764 - No, but... 733 00:22:05,419 --> 00:22:06,740 - There's another applicant 734 00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:09,353 for the post of Assistant Secretary, Mr. Grace. 735 00:22:09,353 --> 00:22:11,020 - Well, show her in. 736 00:22:15,138 --> 00:22:16,760 - This is Mr. Grace. 737 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,972 - Thank you, dear, leave us alone. 738 00:22:18,972 --> 00:22:20,487 (audience laughing) 739 00:22:20,487 --> 00:22:21,712 - What's your name? 740 00:22:21,712 --> 00:22:22,936 - Virginia Edwards. 741 00:22:22,936 --> 00:22:24,248 - That's a nice name. 742 00:22:24,248 --> 00:22:26,332 You're a lively little thing! 743 00:22:26,332 --> 00:22:28,950 - Would you like to see my Curriculum Vitae? 744 00:22:28,950 --> 00:22:31,232 - Not at 10:30 in the morning. (audience laughs) 745 00:22:31,232 --> 00:22:33,232 Come and sit on my knee. 746 00:22:36,292 --> 00:22:38,366 - Good, you're not too heavy! 747 00:22:38,366 --> 00:22:40,328 Shall we begin the typing test? 748 00:22:40,328 --> 00:22:41,228 - Yes, sir! 749 00:22:41,228 --> 00:22:42,311 - Dear Sir... 750 00:22:44,434 --> 00:22:47,729 I'm not used to working with such old equipment. 751 00:22:47,729 --> 00:22:50,068 - Well, we all have our crosses to bear. 752 00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:53,662 (audience laughing) 753 00:22:53,662 --> 00:22:55,473 - Mr Grace! - Yes, dear? 754 00:22:55,473 --> 00:22:57,243 - A man's just appeared outside your window, 755 00:22:57,243 --> 00:22:58,427 and he's beckoning! 756 00:22:58,427 --> 00:23:00,761 - Has he a sickle, and a long white beard? 757 00:23:00,761 --> 00:23:02,282 And is he wearing a nightshirt? 758 00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:04,571 - No. - Oh, thank heavens for that. 759 00:23:04,571 --> 00:23:05,404 (audience laughing) 760 00:23:05,404 --> 00:23:06,284 (tapping) 761 00:23:06,284 --> 00:23:07,837 It's young Mr. Humphries! 762 00:23:07,837 --> 00:23:09,845 What are you doing out there? 763 00:23:09,845 --> 00:23:11,929 Practicing to be a fairy? 764 00:23:11,929 --> 00:23:13,526 - I've just come to say, 765 00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:15,244 we're all up on the roof, 766 00:23:15,244 --> 00:23:16,225 and we're not coming down, 767 00:23:16,225 --> 00:23:18,738 until our demands have been satisfied! 768 00:23:18,738 --> 00:23:22,030 - I'm in very much the same position. 769 00:23:22,030 --> 00:23:23,179 (audience laughing) 770 00:23:23,179 --> 00:23:24,012 - Come on, Virginia. 771 00:23:24,012 --> 00:23:25,437 Further to our letter 772 00:23:25,437 --> 00:23:28,848 of the (drowned out by laughter). 773 00:23:28,848 --> 00:23:30,170 (thudding and grunting) 774 00:23:30,170 --> 00:23:31,003 - [Peacock] Lower him carefully, 775 00:23:31,003 --> 00:23:31,836 get him over this, 776 00:23:31,836 --> 00:23:34,010 don't let him down. 777 00:23:34,010 --> 00:23:35,485 Careful now, 778 00:23:35,485 --> 00:23:36,318 careful. 779 00:23:38,365 --> 00:23:39,349 - What did he say? 780 00:23:39,349 --> 00:23:40,182 - Oh, he didn't really 781 00:23:40,182 --> 00:23:41,607 have much time to talk to me, 782 00:23:41,607 --> 00:23:43,163 but I managed to attract the attention 783 00:23:43,163 --> 00:23:45,497 of Mr. Patel from Accounts. 784 00:23:45,497 --> 00:23:48,283 He was in the Admin washroom on the fifth floor. 785 00:23:48,283 --> 00:23:49,589 - Will he spread the word? 786 00:23:49,589 --> 00:23:50,785 - Well, he said he would if he could, 787 00:23:50,785 --> 00:23:52,666 but he could only manage one thing at a time. 788 00:23:52,666 --> 00:23:54,628 - Did he see your point of view? 789 00:23:54,628 --> 00:23:55,818 - Yes, do you know, that upset him 790 00:23:55,818 --> 00:23:57,599 more than the news. 791 00:23:57,599 --> 00:23:59,602 (emergency siren wailing) 792 00:23:59,602 --> 00:24:00,435 - Oh heck! 793 00:24:00,435 --> 00:24:02,795 The policeman has called in the Flying Squad! 794 00:24:02,795 --> 00:24:03,985 - Escalate our action, 795 00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:06,353 and we'll sling some bricks down that ventilator! 796 00:24:06,353 --> 00:24:10,520 (aircraft engine roaring overhead) 797 00:24:13,081 --> 00:24:14,190 - Right... - Right! 798 00:24:14,190 --> 00:24:15,746 (audience laughing) 799 00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:16,605 - [Peacock] What are you doing? 800 00:24:16,605 --> 00:24:17,667 - Good morning, Brothers. 801 00:24:17,667 --> 00:24:19,722 I've come to tell you, you have the full support 802 00:24:19,722 --> 00:24:21,197 of the packing department. 803 00:24:21,197 --> 00:24:22,387 - What are you going to do? 804 00:24:22,387 --> 00:24:24,151 - We have passed three resolutions. 805 00:24:24,151 --> 00:24:26,061 One, that we are behind you. 806 00:24:26,061 --> 00:24:28,430 Two, that your case will rest on the table. 807 00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:30,693 Three, we will not cross your picket line. 808 00:24:30,693 --> 00:24:32,493 - Well, since our picket line's on the roof, 809 00:24:32,493 --> 00:24:34,623 I don't see that that'll make much difference. 810 00:24:34,623 --> 00:24:36,504 - What are you going to do now? 811 00:24:36,504 --> 00:24:38,060 - We are going to call an emergency meeting 812 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:39,041 of the action committee 813 00:24:39,041 --> 00:24:40,312 for the same time next week, 814 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,334 with the view of placing 815 00:24:41,334 --> 00:24:43,261 the whole matter before ACAS. 816 00:24:43,261 --> 00:24:44,161 - That's all very well, 817 00:24:44,161 --> 00:24:45,101 but what are you going to do 818 00:24:45,101 --> 00:24:46,570 this very minute? 819 00:24:46,570 --> 00:24:49,011 - What all unions do when there's an emergency. 820 00:24:49,011 --> 00:24:49,844 - What's that? 821 00:24:49,844 --> 00:24:50,677 - Put the kettle on. 822 00:24:50,677 --> 00:24:51,510 (audience laughing) 823 00:24:51,510 --> 00:24:55,033 - Just a minute! (hydraulic whirring) 824 00:24:55,033 --> 00:24:56,665 What's that noise? 825 00:24:56,665 --> 00:24:57,977 - It's coming from the lift shaft. 826 00:24:57,977 --> 00:25:00,894 - Quick, let's see what's going on. 827 00:25:01,907 --> 00:25:03,921 (footsteps thudding) 828 00:25:03,921 --> 00:25:07,004 (hydraulic whirring) 829 00:25:13,250 --> 00:25:15,264 Mr Rumbold, what on Earth are you doing? 830 00:25:15,264 --> 00:25:16,971 - I'm standing on the top of the lift. 831 00:25:16,971 --> 00:25:17,870 I want you all to know, 832 00:25:17,870 --> 00:25:20,366 that I think you're behaving very irresponsibly. 833 00:25:20,366 --> 00:25:22,201 - Well, what on Earth are we expected to do? 834 00:25:22,201 --> 00:25:23,553 - Well, look, we in middle management 835 00:25:23,553 --> 00:25:25,190 are bringing every conceivable 836 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:26,996 moral pressure to bear, 837 00:25:26,996 --> 00:25:29,080 and you cut the ground from beneath our feet. 838 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,738 Who pressed that button? (audience laughing) 839 00:25:31,738 --> 00:25:33,451 Move me up again at once! 840 00:25:33,451 --> 00:25:35,953 (hydraulic whirring) (audience laughing) 841 00:25:35,953 --> 00:25:36,786 Nobody likes taking cuts! 842 00:25:36,786 --> 00:25:39,341 But as the Prime Minister said, 843 00:25:39,341 --> 00:25:41,764 "You may not like the medicine, 844 00:25:41,764 --> 00:25:42,669 "but it's the only way 845 00:25:42,669 --> 00:25:44,271 "the patient's going to get well." 846 00:25:44,271 --> 00:25:45,786 Now, look, if we all stick together, 847 00:25:45,786 --> 00:25:46,976 and we'll all pull through 848 00:25:46,976 --> 00:25:48,242 to better times. 849 00:25:48,242 --> 00:25:49,972 Let's have some of the spirit of Drake 850 00:25:49,972 --> 00:25:52,224 and Nelson, and Winston Churchill! 851 00:25:52,224 --> 00:25:53,652 Now, what about it? 852 00:25:53,652 --> 00:25:54,485 - Well, sir. 853 00:25:54,485 --> 00:25:55,736 I think your mention of Churchill 854 00:25:55,736 --> 00:25:57,292 has struck the right note. 855 00:25:57,292 --> 00:25:58,307 Don't you agree? 856 00:25:58,307 --> 00:25:59,474 - [All] We do! 857 00:26:01,010 --> 00:26:02,442 - Take it down. 858 00:26:02,442 --> 00:26:03,502 (combustion bangs) 859 00:26:03,502 --> 00:26:06,073 - (gasps) Oh, you've blown a fuse! 860 00:26:06,073 --> 00:26:08,366 - Well, seems as if you're with us 861 00:26:08,366 --> 00:26:09,928 after all, Mr Rumbold. 862 00:26:09,928 --> 00:26:11,031 - I'll take the stairs. 863 00:26:11,031 --> 00:26:11,864 - You can't. 864 00:26:11,864 --> 00:26:13,481 Captain Peacock has boarded them up. 865 00:26:13,481 --> 00:26:14,555 - Well, this is intolerable. 866 00:26:14,555 --> 00:26:15,698 How am I going to get down? 867 00:26:15,698 --> 00:26:16,531 - Jump off the parapet 868 00:26:16,531 --> 00:26:17,364 and flap your ears! 869 00:26:17,364 --> 00:26:18,197 - How dare you! (audience laughs) 870 00:26:18,197 --> 00:26:19,030 - Look at the smoke 871 00:26:19,030 --> 00:26:19,863 that's coming through the ventilator! 872 00:26:19,863 --> 00:26:21,968 - I wonder where that's coming from? 873 00:26:21,968 --> 00:26:22,867 - [Brahms] Ohh! 874 00:26:22,867 --> 00:26:24,800 Do you think the building's on fire? 875 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,513 - It's probably fumes from the canteen. 876 00:26:26,513 --> 00:26:27,941 They're always burning something. 877 00:26:27,941 --> 00:26:29,665 - Maybe they're doing smoked haddock! 878 00:26:29,665 --> 00:26:30,687 (audience laughing) 879 00:26:30,687 --> 00:26:31,546 (alarm bell ringing) 880 00:26:31,546 --> 00:26:32,446 No, it's not smoked haddock. 881 00:26:32,446 --> 00:26:33,386 - The building's on fire! 882 00:26:33,386 --> 00:26:34,948 - Women and children first! 883 00:26:34,948 --> 00:26:38,031 (excited chattering) 884 00:26:43,994 --> 00:26:45,222 (all cry out) 885 00:26:45,222 --> 00:26:46,893 - What are we gonna do! 886 00:26:46,893 --> 00:26:48,461 That siren wasn't the law, 887 00:26:48,461 --> 00:26:49,889 it's the fire brigade! 888 00:26:49,889 --> 00:26:51,201 Oh, look! 889 00:26:51,201 --> 00:26:53,372 (audience laughing) 890 00:26:53,372 --> 00:26:54,434 - Right then, who's first? 891 00:26:54,434 --> 00:26:55,293 - [Slocombe] I am! 892 00:26:55,293 --> 00:26:56,876 - [Brahms] Then me! 893 00:27:01,460 --> 00:27:02,834 - Blimey! 894 00:27:02,834 --> 00:27:03,667 Bert! 895 00:27:03,667 --> 00:27:04,680 We'll need the stronger ladder! 896 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:05,748 (audience laughing) 897 00:27:05,748 --> 00:27:06,581 - [Rumbold] What's happening? 898 00:27:06,581 --> 00:27:07,629 - Well, the packing department 899 00:27:07,629 --> 00:27:08,819 knocked over the gas ring, 900 00:27:08,819 --> 00:27:10,862 and the bargain basement's alight. 901 00:27:10,862 --> 00:27:11,802 - Aha! 902 00:27:11,802 --> 00:27:13,358 Well, every cloud has a silver lining. 903 00:27:13,358 --> 00:27:16,221 At least they can't send us down there now. 904 00:27:16,221 --> 00:27:17,054 - You! 905 00:27:17,054 --> 00:27:17,926 - You! 906 00:27:17,926 --> 00:27:20,143 - What happened to the Benedictine monastery? 907 00:27:20,143 --> 00:27:21,455 - Well, it's a long story. 908 00:27:21,455 --> 00:27:23,899 - Ooh, you can tell me on the way down! 909 00:27:23,899 --> 00:27:28,066 (audience laughing and applauding) 910 00:27:28,932 --> 00:27:30,441 ("Are You Being Served" sung by Stephanie Gathercole) 911 00:27:30,441 --> 00:27:33,303 (cash register jingling and clashing) 912 00:27:33,303 --> 00:27:34,726 ♫ Ground floor, perfumery 913 00:27:34,726 --> 00:27:36,113 ♫ Stationery and leather goods 914 00:27:36,113 --> 00:27:37,500 ♫ Wigs and haberdashery 915 00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:40,983 ♫ Kitchenware and food, going up 916 00:27:40,983 --> 00:27:44,829 (cash register jingling and clashing) 917 00:27:44,829 --> 00:27:46,332 ♫ First floor, telephones 918 00:27:46,332 --> 00:27:47,853 ♫ Gents' ready made suits 919 00:27:47,853 --> 00:27:49,246 ♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats 920 00:27:49,246 --> 00:27:53,329 ♫ Underwear, and shoes, going up 921 00:27:56,445 --> 00:27:57,832 ♫ Second floor, carpets 922 00:27:57,832 --> 00:27:59,312 ♫ Travel goods and bedding 923 00:27:59,312 --> 00:28:00,793 ♫ Materials, soft furnishings 924 00:28:00,793 --> 00:28:04,960 ♫ Restaurant and teas, going down 925 00:28:07,968 --> 00:28:09,407 ♫ First floor, telephones 926 00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:10,887 ♫ Gents' ready-made suits, 927 00:28:10,887 --> 00:28:12,362 ♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats 928 00:28:12,362 --> 00:28:16,445 ♫ Underwear and shoes, going up