1
00:00:00,363 --> 00:00:03,530
(cash register music)

2
00:00:05,816 --> 00:00:07,314
♫ Ground floor, perfumery

3
00:00:07,314 --> 00:00:08,721
♫ Stationery and leather goods

4
00:00:08,721 --> 00:00:10,215
♫ Drapes and haberdashery

5
00:00:10,215 --> 00:00:11,432
♫ Kitchenware and food

6
00:00:11,432 --> 00:00:13,682
♫ Going up

7
00:00:16,893 --> 00:00:18,315
- There we are, sir.

8
00:00:18,315 --> 00:00:21,469
One receipt, one handkerchief.

9
00:00:21,469 --> 00:00:23,566
Will you be blowing your nose on it now,

10
00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:24,868
or shall we wrap it up?

11
00:00:24,868 --> 00:00:25,701
(audience laughing)

12
00:00:25,701 --> 00:00:26,541
- I'll wear it.

13
00:00:26,541 --> 00:00:28,691
(audience tittering)

14
00:00:28,691 --> 00:00:29,984
(elevator bell dings)

15
00:00:29,984 --> 00:00:31,464
- [Humphries] Mr. Spooner, you're late.

16
00:00:31,464 --> 00:00:32,297
- You're right.

17
00:00:32,297 --> 00:00:33,853
- It's a good job Captain
Peacock isn't here,

18
00:00:33,853 --> 00:00:36,008
otherwise you'd get the
sharp end of his tongue.

19
00:00:36,008 --> 00:00:37,542
Which isn't a pleasant experience.

20
00:00:37,542 --> 00:00:39,181
(audience tittering)
- Really?

21
00:00:39,181 --> 00:00:40,863
Well, I had a very good excuse made up.

22
00:00:40,863 --> 00:00:42,690
I was gonna tell 'im me
alarm clock didn't go off,

23
00:00:42,690 --> 00:00:44,329
the ticket collectors were goin' slow,

24
00:00:44,329 --> 00:00:45,827
and there was a power
cut on the Underground.

25
00:00:45,827 --> 00:00:47,182
- He'd never swallow that.

26
00:00:47,182 --> 00:00:48,588
- Yeah, well I'd ha' done
it better, wouldn't I?

27
00:00:48,588 --> 00:00:50,509
- You better get yeself
sorted out before he gets in.

28
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,342
- Right, then.

29
00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:55,279
- I'm not sure that this
color cardigan is really me.

30
00:00:55,279 --> 00:00:56,468
- Oh, but it is, madam.

31
00:00:56,468 --> 00:00:59,457
Y'see, everybody 'as a color
what goes with their aura.

32
00:00:59,457 --> 00:01:01,709
Some people 'ave an aura what is pink,

33
00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:03,399
an' others 'ave an aura what is blue,

34
00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:05,910
and when I saw madam, I said to myself

35
00:01:05,910 --> 00:01:09,092
"Madam 'as an aura what is
purple with white stripes."

36
00:01:09,092 --> 00:01:12,092
(audience laughing)

37
00:01:12,092 --> 00:01:14,052
- Yes, it's quite nice. (chuckles)

38
00:01:14,052 --> 00:01:17,008
- An' what's more, it's
genuine simulated mohair.

39
00:01:17,008 --> 00:01:18,080
(audience laughing)

40
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,189
- But that goes all flat when you wash it.

41
00:01:20,189 --> 00:01:21,541
- Ah, but to counteract that,

42
00:01:21,541 --> 00:01:23,465
it comes with its very
own little plastic rake

43
00:01:23,465 --> 00:01:24,912
to bring up the pile.

44
00:01:24,912 --> 00:01:26,830
An' what is more, it's been reduced

45
00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:29,413
to seven pound 99 from 45 quid.

46
00:01:30,814 --> 00:01:32,117
- I'll take it!

47
00:01:32,117 --> 00:01:33,291
(audience laughing)

48
00:01:33,291 --> 00:01:34,124
- [Brahms] Cash or account?

49
00:01:34,124 --> 00:01:34,957
- Account.

50
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:41,412
- Miss Brahms, ye don't
push things enough.

51
00:01:41,412 --> 00:01:42,350
- What ye talkin' about?

52
00:01:42,350 --> 00:01:45,526
We've had that cardy
hangin' around since 1976.

53
00:01:45,526 --> 00:01:46,694
(audience tittering)

54
00:01:46,694 --> 00:01:49,131
- Well, try to push some
accessories onto 'er.

55
00:01:49,131 --> 00:01:50,206
(Miss Brahms huffs)

56
00:01:50,206 --> 00:01:51,707
- Before I make madam's bill out,

57
00:01:51,707 --> 00:01:53,952
would madam like any
accessories to go with it,

58
00:01:53,952 --> 00:01:55,570
like a nice pair o' knickers?

59
00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:57,908
(audience laughing)

60
00:01:57,908 --> 00:01:59,128
- No, thank you.

61
00:01:59,128 --> 00:02:01,228
I don't see myself pulling a plastic rake

62
00:02:01,228 --> 00:02:05,254
over mohair knickers.
(audience laughing)

63
00:02:05,254 --> 00:02:06,897
- She don't want nothin'.

64
00:02:06,897 --> 00:02:07,730
- Hark!

65
00:02:09,512 --> 00:02:11,267
Morning, young sir.

66
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:12,100
- Morning.

67
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:14,676
- Yeah, here we are. (chuckles)

68
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,259
(hums off key)

69
00:02:18,143 --> 00:02:20,719
(audience tittering)

70
00:02:20,719 --> 00:02:22,151
Lovely weather, again.

71
00:02:22,151 --> 00:02:25,888
(bow whips through air)
(audience laughing)

72
00:02:25,888 --> 00:02:29,012
(hums off key)

73
00:02:29,012 --> 00:02:30,222
(stamps foot)

74
00:02:30,222 --> 00:02:32,973
(violin shrieking)

75
00:02:32,973 --> 00:02:35,973
(audience laughing)

76
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:42,127
♫ If you're Irish

77
00:02:42,127 --> 00:02:43,674
♫ Come into the parlor

78
00:02:43,674 --> 00:02:46,527
♫ There's a welcome there for you

79
00:02:46,527 --> 00:02:51,071
♫ If you're man and mercy make a john

80
00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,896
- Out o' work musician, sir.

81
00:02:52,896 --> 00:02:53,729
(audience laughing)

82
00:02:53,729 --> 00:02:55,471
I was an old soldier, old soldier.

83
00:02:55,471 --> 00:02:56,593
- No, not today.

84
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:58,354
- Well, I'm crippled, you know.

85
00:02:58,354 --> 00:02:59,187
(audience tittering)

86
00:02:59,187 --> 00:03:00,020
- Pardon?

87
00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:01,072
- I were crippled.

88
00:03:01,072 --> 00:03:04,391
I thought you might spare a
copper or two for a cup o' tea.

89
00:03:04,391 --> 00:03:05,616
- Well, it's Thursday, ye see.

90
00:03:05,616 --> 00:03:07,576
We've no money; we've not been paid yet.

91
00:03:07,576 --> 00:03:09,634
- Ah well, I take American Express.

92
00:03:09,634 --> 00:03:11,474
(audience laughing)

93
00:03:11,474 --> 00:03:14,378
- Look, here's 10P; push off.

94
00:03:14,378 --> 00:03:15,467
- That is good of ye sir.

95
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:17,527
I thought so, soon as I saw your face,

96
00:03:17,527 --> 00:03:19,959
I said "You're one in a million, sir!"

97
00:03:19,959 --> 00:03:21,223
- Yes, (chuckles) so I've been told.

98
00:03:21,223 --> 00:03:23,179
(audience laughing)

99
00:03:23,179 --> 00:03:25,846
(Tramp sneezes)

100
00:03:27,296 --> 00:03:28,228
- How did he get in?

101
00:03:28,228 --> 00:03:29,217
- I don't know, but he
wouldn't have got in

102
00:03:29,217 --> 00:03:30,895
if Captain Peacock had been here.

103
00:03:30,895 --> 00:03:32,445
I can't think where he is.

104
00:03:32,445 --> 00:03:34,411
Of all the years I've
spent behind this counter,

105
00:03:34,411 --> 00:03:36,094
I've never known him be late.

106
00:03:36,094 --> 00:03:38,307
- Is Captain Peacock still not here?

107
00:03:38,307 --> 00:03:40,926
- He hasn't even phoned
in on the telephone.

108
00:03:40,926 --> 00:03:43,259
- Well, strictly entre-nous,

109
00:03:44,229 --> 00:03:45,678
(audience tittering)

110
00:03:45,678 --> 00:03:48,954
I was talking to Mrs.
Hopkirk in Personnel,

111
00:03:48,954 --> 00:03:52,744
and she's a very close
friend of the Peacock family.

112
00:03:52,744 --> 00:03:54,294
They share the same milkman.

113
00:03:54,294 --> 00:03:55,461
(audience laughing)

114
00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:59,765
Well, accordin' to her,
their marriage is a bit...

115
00:03:59,765 --> 00:04:00,841
Like that.

116
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:01,917
- Is it?

117
00:04:01,917 --> 00:04:03,087
(audience tittering)
- Rumor 'as it,

118
00:04:03,087 --> 00:04:05,429
they haven't been gettin'
it together for some time.

119
00:04:05,429 --> 00:04:07,024
(audience laughing)
- Ooh.

120
00:04:07,024 --> 00:04:09,196
Well, it can't be easy if
it's like that, can it?

121
00:04:09,196 --> 00:04:10,458
(audience laughing)

122
00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:14,060
- Apparently, the rot set
in at the Christmas party.

123
00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:15,314
- It often does.

124
00:04:15,314 --> 00:04:16,147
(audience tittering)

125
00:04:16,147 --> 00:04:18,083
- If you remember, Captain Peacock

126
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,556
spilt blancmange all down
Miss Pickthorn's cleavage.

127
00:04:21,556 --> 00:04:23,473
- I thought that was semolina pudding.

128
00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:27,220
- No. No, that was Mr.
Harrogate and Miss Fawcett.

129
00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:29,037
And that was the year before.

130
00:04:29,037 --> 00:04:31,325
- How time flies.
(audience laughing)

131
00:04:31,325 --> 00:04:33,663
- Anyway, the question is,

132
00:04:33,663 --> 00:04:34,913
who got it out?

133
00:04:36,236 --> 00:04:37,874
(audience tittering)

134
00:04:37,874 --> 00:04:38,978
- What party was that?

135
00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:40,049
(audience tittering)

136
00:04:40,049 --> 00:04:41,172
- Well, when they got home,

137
00:04:41,172 --> 00:04:43,048
Mrs. Peacock confronted 'im with it,

138
00:04:43,048 --> 00:04:46,456
and accused 'im of retrievin'
it from her cleavage.

139
00:04:46,456 --> 00:04:48,485
- And when he denied it,

140
00:04:48,485 --> 00:04:51,013
she pulled the handkerchief
out of his top pocket,

141
00:04:51,013 --> 00:04:53,489
and bits of blancmange
went all over the carpet.

142
00:04:53,489 --> 00:04:54,723
(audience tittering)

143
00:04:54,723 --> 00:04:57,248
- Relations 'ave been
very strained ever since.

144
00:04:57,248 --> 00:04:59,737
- I don't think it did the
carpet very much good either.

145
00:04:59,737 --> 00:05:00,664
(audience tittering)

146
00:05:00,664 --> 00:05:03,337
- I don't mind saying this
to you, Mr. Humphries,

147
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,531
but men can be beasts.

148
00:05:05,531 --> 00:05:07,172
(audience laughing)

149
00:05:07,172 --> 00:05:08,715
- Why don't you mind sayin' it to me?

150
00:05:08,715 --> 00:05:10,258
(audience laughing)

151
00:05:10,258 --> 00:05:12,556
- Well anyway, he's payin'
for his dilettantin' now,

152
00:05:12,556 --> 00:05:14,287
'cos she's threatened to chuck 'im out.

153
00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:16,343
- And the house is in her name.

154
00:05:16,343 --> 00:05:18,437
- And to complicate matters further,

155
00:05:18,437 --> 00:05:20,263
there's another man involved.

156
00:05:20,263 --> 00:05:22,570
- I didn't know Captain
Peacock was like that.

157
00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:23,739
(audience tittering)

158
00:05:23,739 --> 00:05:25,322
- No, Mrs. Peacock.

159
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,514
Apparently, she said if it was
all right for 'im to do it,

160
00:05:28,514 --> 00:05:30,451
it was all right for her to do it.

161
00:05:30,451 --> 00:05:32,484
- So whose front's she
chuckin' blancmange down?

162
00:05:32,484 --> 00:05:34,448
(audience laughing)
(elevator bell dings)

163
00:05:34,448 --> 00:05:35,281
- Hey up, he's here--

164
00:05:35,281 --> 00:05:36,479
Don't let 'im see us talkin'.

165
00:05:36,479 --> 00:05:38,589
(hurried footsteps)

166
00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:39,991
- [Humphries] Good
morning, Captain Peacock.

167
00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:40,824
- Good morning.

168
00:05:40,824 --> 00:05:42,517
I'm sorry to be late.

169
00:05:42,517 --> 00:05:43,973
My alarm clock failed to go off,

170
00:05:43,973 --> 00:05:45,657
there was a ticket collector's go-slow,

171
00:05:45,657 --> 00:05:47,701
followed by a power
failure on the Underground.

172
00:05:47,701 --> 00:05:49,837
(audience laughing)

173
00:05:49,837 --> 00:05:52,550
- That's funny; a very similar
thing nearly 'appened to me.

174
00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:54,562
- Really? What a coincidence.

175
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:56,945
- Oh, just look at 'im.

176
00:05:56,945 --> 00:05:59,495
His shirt hasn't been ironed,

177
00:05:59,495 --> 00:06:01,782
and he doesn't look as though he's slept.

178
00:06:01,782 --> 00:06:04,783
Mind you, it's his own fault.

179
00:06:04,783 --> 00:06:07,211
- Mr. Spooner, just
take this suitcase away

180
00:06:07,211 --> 00:06:08,044
and put it somewhere, will you?

181
00:06:08,044 --> 00:06:09,316
I'm staying the night with friends.

182
00:06:09,316 --> 00:06:10,629
- Yes, Captain Peacock.

183
00:06:10,629 --> 00:06:12,127
- Had some trouble at
home, Captain Peacock?

184
00:06:12,127 --> 00:06:13,765
- No, no-no, no no. No.

185
00:06:13,765 --> 00:06:16,201
One just gets bored with
staying in the same house

186
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,583
and one thinks to oneself,
"Well, it would be nice

187
00:06:18,583 --> 00:06:20,409
"to stay with one's friends for a change."

188
00:06:20,409 --> 00:06:22,093
- One thought one might have one's plumber

189
00:06:22,093 --> 00:06:23,590
fixing one's pipes.

190
00:06:23,590 --> 00:06:25,280
(audience laughing)

191
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:26,963
- Yes, that would've
been a good reason too.

192
00:06:26,963 --> 00:06:30,046
(audience tittering)

193
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,916
(rotary dial whirring)

194
00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:37,735
I suggest you both go and tidy our display

195
00:06:37,735 --> 00:06:39,049
on the center stand.

196
00:06:39,049 --> 00:06:43,049
- With pleasure, Captain
Peacock, with pleasure.

197
00:06:44,633 --> 00:06:47,116
- Ah, hello Matthew. (chuckles)

198
00:06:47,116 --> 00:06:49,034
You'll never guess who this is.

199
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,148
It's your old friend Stephen.

200
00:06:51,148 --> 00:06:52,590
Stephen Peacock.

201
00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:54,994
From the bridge club, yes. (chuckles)

202
00:06:54,994 --> 00:06:56,396
I beg your pardon?

203
00:06:56,396 --> 00:07:00,002
Well, about six foot
one, mustache, 45-ish,

204
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:02,152
slightly graying at
the temples. (chuckles)

205
00:07:02,152 --> 00:07:04,492
Yeah that's right, that's
me. (chuckles nervously)

206
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:06,881
Now, as I recall, the last time we met,

207
00:07:06,881 --> 00:07:09,784
you did say I was to
come and stay sometime.

208
00:07:09,784 --> 00:07:10,771
Yes, you did.

209
00:07:10,771 --> 00:07:13,255
(audience tittering)
How would tonight suit you?

210
00:07:13,255 --> 00:07:15,174
Oh, I see. Hm.

211
00:07:15,174 --> 00:07:16,762
I thought beri-beri had been practically

212
00:07:16,762 --> 00:07:17,934
stamped out in this country.

213
00:07:17,934 --> 00:07:19,009
(audience tittering)

214
00:07:19,009 --> 00:07:20,372
Some other time, then.

215
00:07:20,372 --> 00:07:21,205
Yes. What?

216
00:07:22,051 --> 00:07:23,223
Oh, I see.

217
00:07:23,223 --> 00:07:24,256
Well, you must let me know

218
00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:25,936
where you're moving to in Cornwall.

219
00:07:25,936 --> 00:07:27,857
(audience laughing)

220
00:07:27,857 --> 00:07:29,996
- Have we finished yet, Captain Peacock?

221
00:07:29,996 --> 00:07:32,832
- No; put the models round the other way.

222
00:07:32,832 --> 00:07:34,088
(rotary dial whirring)

223
00:07:34,088 --> 00:07:37,609
(audience laughing)

224
00:07:37,609 --> 00:07:39,249
Oh hello, Philip. (chuckles)

225
00:07:39,249 --> 00:07:41,162
Yes, it's Stephen here.

226
00:07:41,162 --> 00:07:42,753
Stephen Peacock.

227
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:45,604
We met a couple of years
ago at ta-li-ve-li-nos.

228
00:07:45,604 --> 00:07:48,266
We had adjoining rooms
and shared the balcony.

229
00:07:48,266 --> 00:07:49,250
(chuckles) Yes.

230
00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:50,700
What's that?

231
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:53,374
About six foot one, mustache,
(audience tittering)

232
00:07:53,374 --> 00:07:56,036
a young 50, graying at the temp-- what?

233
00:07:56,036 --> 00:07:58,608
(click over phone)

234
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,793
Operator, you've cut me off.

235
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:01,860
What?

236
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:02,985
Oh, did he.

237
00:08:02,985 --> 00:08:04,947
(audience laughing)

238
00:08:04,947 --> 00:08:06,726
(Captain Peacock sighs)

239
00:08:06,726 --> 00:08:09,206
No, I prefer them round
the other way, I think.

240
00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:10,615
- I wish he'd hurry up and find somewhere.

241
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:11,891
My knees are killin' me.

242
00:08:11,891 --> 00:08:15,166
(audience tittering)
(rotary dial whirring)

243
00:08:15,166 --> 00:08:17,372
- Hello, Auntie Hilda.

244
00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:19,428
It's your nephew, Stephen.

245
00:08:19,428 --> 00:08:21,484
You remember, little Stephen.

246
00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:22,317
What?

247
00:08:23,919 --> 00:08:26,262
About four foot one, a yellow schoolcap,

248
00:08:26,262 --> 00:08:28,775
and a brown satchel!
(audience laughing)

249
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:31,942
(cash register music)

250
00:08:34,006 --> 00:08:36,627
- I can't help feelin' sorry for 'im.

251
00:08:36,627 --> 00:08:37,942
- D'you know, he's been
on the phone all mornin',

252
00:08:37,942 --> 00:08:39,574
tryin' to find somebody to put him up.

253
00:08:39,574 --> 00:08:41,448
- He's still trying the public call box.

254
00:08:41,448 --> 00:08:44,207
- Mind you, he has sinned.

255
00:08:44,207 --> 00:08:45,569
- Wot are ye talkin' about?

256
00:08:45,569 --> 00:08:47,535
All he did was put his hands
down a pair o' bristols

257
00:08:47,535 --> 00:08:48,470
to get at the blancmange.

258
00:08:48,470 --> 00:08:50,200
(audience laughing)

259
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,069
I can understand all the
fuss if he'd given 'er one.

260
00:08:52,069 --> 00:08:55,346
(audience gasping)
(audience laughing)

261
00:08:55,346 --> 00:08:57,128
- If Captain Peacock was here,

262
00:08:57,128 --> 00:08:58,908
he'd make you sit at another table

263
00:08:58,908 --> 00:09:01,087
for talkin' like that in front of a lady.

264
00:09:01,087 --> 00:09:02,401
- Two ladies.

265
00:09:02,401 --> 00:09:03,993
(audience laughing)
Anyway,

266
00:09:03,993 --> 00:09:05,537
he has been pushin' his luck a bit.

267
00:09:05,537 --> 00:09:07,691
I mean, it's not the
first time he's done it.

268
00:09:07,691 --> 00:09:08,998
- Wot, fish for the blancmange?

269
00:09:08,998 --> 00:09:10,587
- No, 'ad a bit o' nookie.

270
00:09:10,587 --> 00:09:11,955
(audience laughing)

271
00:09:11,955 --> 00:09:15,408
- Miss Brahms, what a dreadful expression.

272
00:09:15,408 --> 00:09:18,545
- Well, wot do you call it, then?

273
00:09:18,545 --> 00:09:20,182
- Committin' misconduct.

274
00:09:20,182 --> 00:09:22,618
(audience laughing)

275
00:09:22,618 --> 00:09:24,726
- If it wasn't called
anythin' else, nobody'd do it.

276
00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:26,826
(audience laughing)

277
00:09:26,826 --> 00:09:28,606
- Mornin' all.

278
00:09:28,606 --> 00:09:30,063
You 'eard the latest gossip?

279
00:09:30,063 --> 00:09:31,509
- Mr. Harman, we're not in the habit

280
00:09:31,509 --> 00:09:33,895
of exchanging gossip with personnel

281
00:09:33,895 --> 00:09:35,616
from the Packing Department.

282
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:36,449
(audience tittering)

283
00:09:36,449 --> 00:09:37,548
- It's all right with me
if you don't wanna 'ear

284
00:09:37,548 --> 00:09:39,418
the latest in the Peacock saga.

285
00:09:39,418 --> 00:09:41,065
- D'you take sugar in
your coffee, Mr. Harman?

286
00:09:41,065 --> 00:09:42,941
(audience laughing)

287
00:09:42,941 --> 00:09:45,842
- 'Ere, you'll never guess
who is the mysterious Mr. X

288
00:09:45,842 --> 00:09:47,952
what Mrs. Peacock's taken up with.

289
00:09:47,952 --> 00:09:50,098
- Is 'taken up with'
the same as misconduct?

290
00:09:50,098 --> 00:09:52,535
- No, you're confusin'
it with 'havin' it off.'

291
00:09:52,535 --> 00:09:54,690
(audience laughing)

292
00:09:54,690 --> 00:09:57,027
Now, shut up; Mr. Harman's talkin'.

293
00:09:57,027 --> 00:09:58,342
- Yeah, go on; who is it?

294
00:09:58,342 --> 00:10:00,433
- I'll give ye a clue.

295
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,266
(audience shrieking with laughter)

296
00:10:01,266 --> 00:10:03,436
- [Staff] Rumbold?

297
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,428
- Got it in one.

298
00:10:04,428 --> 00:10:06,061
- Would you credit it?

299
00:10:06,061 --> 00:10:08,311
- Mrs. Peacock and Rumbold?

300
00:10:09,755 --> 00:10:13,032
Mind you, they did dance cheek to cheek

301
00:10:13,032 --> 00:10:14,966
in the last waltz at the Christmas party.

302
00:10:14,966 --> 00:10:16,792
- Mm, and the hokey cokey.

303
00:10:16,792 --> 00:10:18,009
(audience laughing)

304
00:10:18,009 --> 00:10:19,180
- I'll tell ye something else;

305
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:21,516
you know Rumbold's lookin'
for a new secretary?

306
00:10:21,516 --> 00:10:22,506
- [Staff] Yes.

307
00:10:22,506 --> 00:10:24,559
- Well, you know Mrs. Peacock can type.

308
00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:25,450
- [Staff] Yes.

309
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,322
- She started in in his office today.

310
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:29,709
- (gasps) The humiliation of it!

311
00:10:29,709 --> 00:10:31,766
I mean, right under 'is very nose.

312
00:10:31,766 --> 00:10:33,831
- This is obviously why he left home!

313
00:10:33,831 --> 00:10:36,025
- Mind you, what's sauce for the goose

314
00:10:36,025 --> 00:10:37,825
is sauce for the gander.

315
00:10:37,825 --> 00:10:39,177
- Or in this case, blancmange.

316
00:10:39,177 --> 00:10:41,094
(audience laughing)

317
00:10:41,094 --> 00:10:44,328
- You know, I don't know why
you join in our conversation.

318
00:10:44,328 --> 00:10:46,711
- Wait-o, Peacock's comin'.

319
00:10:46,711 --> 00:10:48,396
- Ah, I'm sorry to be late joining you.

320
00:10:48,396 --> 00:10:50,647
The lines to the Isle of Mull were busy.

321
00:10:50,647 --> 00:10:52,001
(audience tittering)
Mr. Harman.

322
00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:53,363
- Yes, Captain Peacock?

323
00:10:53,363 --> 00:10:55,091
- It is not customary at Grace Brothers

324
00:10:55,091 --> 00:10:57,710
for the Packing Department
to sit with the Sales staff,

325
00:10:57,710 --> 00:10:59,488
particularly in my seat.

326
00:10:59,488 --> 00:11:01,720
- Oh, I'm so sorry Captain Peacock.

327
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,404
I was just keepin' it warm for ye.

328
00:11:04,404 --> 00:11:06,371
And if you should catch a fatal germ,

329
00:11:06,371 --> 00:11:07,873
just send the bill to me.

330
00:11:07,873 --> 00:11:10,626
(audience tittering)

331
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,606
(audience shrieking with laughter)

332
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:16,231
- Well now, what are we all
talking about this morning, eh?

333
00:11:16,231 --> 00:11:19,151
- Oh, this that and the other.

334
00:11:19,151 --> 00:11:21,676
- Mostly the other.
(audience laughing)

335
00:11:21,676 --> 00:11:24,535
- We were talking about
what the price of food,

336
00:11:24,535 --> 00:11:25,700
how it's gone up.

337
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:28,185
- Meat, fish, eggs, butter.

338
00:11:28,185 --> 00:11:30,557
- Veg, bread, everythin's gone up.

339
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,396
- D'you know, I can't think
o' one thing that's gone down.

340
00:11:32,396 --> 00:11:33,521
(audience laughing)

341
00:11:33,521 --> 00:11:35,128
- I can. Blancmange.

342
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,997
(audience laughing)

343
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:40,667
- Ah, I'm glad I've
caught you all together.

344
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:41,900
As you know, I've been advertising

345
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,720
for a secretary for some time.

346
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,451
To my amazement, one of the applicants

347
00:11:45,451 --> 00:11:47,747
turned out to be none
other than Mrs. Peacock.

348
00:11:47,747 --> 00:11:49,992
(chuckles) Of course you
all know Mrs. Peacock

349
00:11:49,992 --> 00:11:51,539
from the Christmas parties.

350
00:11:51,539 --> 00:11:53,834
Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms,

351
00:11:53,834 --> 00:11:56,167
young Spooner, Mr. Grossman.

352
00:11:57,946 --> 00:11:59,963
'Course, you know Captain
Peacock, don't you?

353
00:11:59,963 --> 00:12:01,413
(audience laughing)

354
00:12:01,413 --> 00:12:02,350
- I used to.

355
00:12:02,350 --> 00:12:03,686
(audience tittering)
(audience gasping)

356
00:12:03,686 --> 00:12:05,095
- Yes, well we're just going through

357
00:12:05,095 --> 00:12:08,370
to the executive dining room
for a coffee. (chuckles)

358
00:12:08,370 --> 00:12:10,037
Carry on, everybody.

359
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,599
(audience tittering)

360
00:12:16,599 --> 00:12:19,173
- Goodness gracious, I've just remembered.

361
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,903
I have some new ties coming in,

362
00:12:20,903 --> 00:12:23,397
and I must go and put the prices on them.

363
00:12:23,397 --> 00:12:24,473
- I'll come give you a hand.

364
00:12:24,473 --> 00:12:25,306
- Yes, we'd better be--
- Yes, we 'ad better--

365
00:12:25,306 --> 00:12:28,556
- Going too, Miss Brahms.
- Yeah, right.

366
00:12:30,992 --> 00:12:33,263
(Captain Peacock blows nose)

367
00:12:33,263 --> 00:12:36,072
- Oh, we can't leave 'im alone.

368
00:12:36,072 --> 00:12:36,993
- Well, it was you that was goin' on

369
00:12:36,993 --> 00:12:39,243
about the sauce and all those geese.

370
00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:40,473
(audience tittering)
- Well yes,

371
00:12:40,473 --> 00:12:42,628
but she behaved very badly just then.

372
00:12:42,628 --> 00:12:44,874
I mean, whatever's goin'
on in the background,

373
00:12:44,874 --> 00:12:47,960
she shouldn't have
humiliated him like that.

374
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,161
Oh, I've just remembered!

375
00:12:50,161 --> 00:12:52,662
I haven't finished me coffee.

376
00:12:52,662 --> 00:12:54,372
- And I've got a drop in me saucer.

377
00:12:54,372 --> 00:12:55,985
(audience laughing)

378
00:12:55,985 --> 00:12:57,713
- Thank you for coming back.

379
00:12:57,713 --> 00:12:59,819
Since you are the senior
members of my staff,

380
00:12:59,819 --> 00:13:01,408
I feel I should give you some explanation

381
00:13:01,408 --> 00:13:04,309
of the recent happenings
in my private life.

382
00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:05,248
- Oh, no no, Captain Peacock.

383
00:13:05,248 --> 00:13:06,976
No, if it's a personal matter,

384
00:13:06,976 --> 00:13:08,380
no no, no, you don't have to tell us.

385
00:13:08,380 --> 00:13:09,692
I mean, we don't want just to pry.

386
00:13:09,692 --> 00:13:11,095
- On the other hand,

387
00:13:11,095 --> 00:13:12,552
(audience laughing)

388
00:13:12,552 --> 00:13:14,746
if you have got some dirty washing,

389
00:13:14,746 --> 00:13:17,933
well, it's not a bad idea to
take it to a private launderer.

390
00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:19,144
(audience laughing)
- Thank you.

391
00:13:19,144 --> 00:13:20,017
Well, you will know of course

392
00:13:20,017 --> 00:13:21,720
that there's been a misunderstanding

393
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,403
between my wife and myself.

394
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,230
It all started at the Christmas party.

395
00:13:25,230 --> 00:13:28,147
- Ah, I think what Captain
Peacock's referring to is the...

396
00:13:28,147 --> 00:13:31,472
(chuckles) When the blancmange went ptt.

397
00:13:31,472 --> 00:13:33,722
And he got his eh, and hmm.

398
00:13:34,656 --> 00:13:36,606
She found it on 'is hankie.

399
00:13:36,606 --> 00:13:38,051
- No, the blancmange on my handkerchief

400
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,395
did not come from Miss
Pickthorn's cleavage.

401
00:13:40,395 --> 00:13:41,702
- Where did it come from?

402
00:13:41,702 --> 00:13:44,687
- Miss Hurst of Novelty
Candles, in a playful mood,

403
00:13:44,687 --> 00:13:47,072
tipped half a plateful down
the inside of my trousers.

404
00:13:47,072 --> 00:13:48,426
(audience tittering)

405
00:13:48,426 --> 00:13:49,782
- Couldn't you get Miss Pickthorn

406
00:13:49,782 --> 00:13:51,563
to make a clean breast of it?

407
00:13:51,563 --> 00:13:53,196
(audience laughing)

408
00:13:53,196 --> 00:13:55,411
- Not in the circumstances.

409
00:13:55,411 --> 00:13:57,502
My marital relationship has been

410
00:13:57,502 --> 00:13:59,268
rather strained for some time,

411
00:13:59,268 --> 00:14:01,481
and my wife regarded
this harmless incident

412
00:14:01,481 --> 00:14:03,727
as the last straw.

413
00:14:03,727 --> 00:14:06,491
She appears to have turned
elsewhere for solace.

414
00:14:06,491 --> 00:14:08,410
- Oh, but surely,

415
00:14:08,410 --> 00:14:10,194
you can't think there's anything going on

416
00:14:10,194 --> 00:14:12,759
between Mrs. Peacock and Rumbold.

417
00:14:12,759 --> 00:14:13,750
- Well, who knows?

418
00:14:13,750 --> 00:14:15,869
I mean, women have always
been attracted to power,

419
00:14:15,869 --> 00:14:17,549
and he does run the department.

420
00:14:17,549 --> 00:14:18,813
- Rumbold's a married man.

421
00:14:18,813 --> 00:14:20,357
- Well, so's Captain Peacock.

422
00:14:20,357 --> 00:14:21,341
(audience tittering)

423
00:14:21,341 --> 00:14:23,213
- I suppose I'm paying
the penalty for being,

424
00:14:23,213 --> 00:14:25,883
as it were, Jack the Lad. (chuckles)

425
00:14:25,883 --> 00:14:28,176
(audience laughing)

426
00:14:28,176 --> 00:14:29,951
- You know, I never thought
of you as Jack the Lad.

427
00:14:29,951 --> 00:14:31,171
(audience laughing)

428
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,276
- It's the uncertainty I can't stand.

429
00:14:33,276 --> 00:14:35,613
I mean, (stammering) is she going through

430
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:38,375
this bizarre charade
just to make me jealous,

431
00:14:38,375 --> 00:14:40,024
or is she really attracted to that

432
00:14:40,024 --> 00:14:41,719
bald-headed, jug-eared twit?

433
00:14:41,719 --> 00:14:43,175
(audience laughing)

434
00:14:43,175 --> 00:14:45,655
Let's face it, he's about
as romantic as Donald Duck.

435
00:14:45,655 --> 00:14:48,650
(audience laughing)

436
00:14:48,650 --> 00:14:50,944
- I don't want to worry you,
Captain Peacock, but Donald's

437
00:14:50,944 --> 00:14:53,887
just ordered a bottle o'
bubbly and two glasses.

438
00:14:53,887 --> 00:14:55,575
- It's only 11 o'clock in the morning.

439
00:14:55,575 --> 00:14:58,428
- I expect he's hopin' to
get her goin' by lunchtime.

440
00:14:58,428 --> 00:15:01,656
(audience laughing)
- Oh my god.

441
00:15:01,656 --> 00:15:04,573
(knocking on door)

442
00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:10,178
Ah, Mr. Grace said he would grant me

443
00:15:10,178 --> 00:15:11,173
a moment of his time

444
00:15:11,173 --> 00:15:13,000
on a rather urgent personal matter.

445
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,246
- Ah, just one moment please.

446
00:15:15,246 --> 00:15:16,136
(rapping on metal)

447
00:15:16,136 --> 00:15:19,177
Mr. Grace, you said you'd
see Captain Peacock.

448
00:15:19,177 --> 00:15:21,062
- [Grace] Oh, damn.

449
00:15:21,062 --> 00:15:23,206
Yes, Peacock, what is it?

450
00:15:23,206 --> 00:15:24,884
- It's my wife, sir.

451
00:15:24,884 --> 00:15:28,269
She's working in my department
as secretary to Mr. Rumbold.

452
00:15:28,269 --> 00:15:30,503
Owing to rather strained
marital relations,

453
00:15:30,503 --> 00:15:33,311
I find this arrangement somewhat
distressing, and I wondered

454
00:15:33,311 --> 00:15:35,527
if she could be transferred
to another position.

455
00:15:35,527 --> 00:15:40,108
- Oh yes, I remember her from
the last Christmas party.

456
00:15:40,108 --> 00:15:42,356
She's a lively little thing.

457
00:15:42,356 --> 00:15:44,527
She can come and work for me.

458
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:46,168
I'll speak to Rumbold.

459
00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:48,585
Nurse, get this thing off me!

460
00:15:51,044 --> 00:15:53,898
(audience laughing)

461
00:15:53,898 --> 00:15:55,748
I need a new secretary.

462
00:15:55,748 --> 00:15:57,756
This one's going off on a course.

463
00:15:57,756 --> 00:15:59,912
She's a bit out of practice.

464
00:15:59,912 --> 00:16:01,554
- On reflection sir, I
think it would be as well

465
00:16:01,554 --> 00:16:04,636
if my wife stayed where she is.

466
00:16:04,636 --> 00:16:07,823
- D'you fancy another
10 minutes on regulo 10?

467
00:16:07,823 --> 00:16:09,224
- All right, sir.
- Well, quick,

468
00:16:09,224 --> 00:16:10,767
before I go off the boil!

469
00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:13,794
(audience laughing)

470
00:16:13,794 --> 00:16:16,697
- Did you see his face as we
walked through the canteen?

471
00:16:16,697 --> 00:16:18,552
He was furious.

472
00:16:18,552 --> 00:16:20,723
- I think we've probably gone
about far enough, don't you?

473
00:16:20,723 --> 00:16:22,872
I'm sure he's absolutely worried sick.

474
00:16:22,872 --> 00:16:25,453
- Oh Mr. Rumbold, I do appreciate
what you're doing for me,

475
00:16:25,453 --> 00:16:29,571
but if we could keep it
going just a bit longer.

476
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:30,594
- Well, at least I'd
better take this bottle

477
00:16:30,594 --> 00:16:33,079
back to the Wine Department,
or they'll charge me.

478
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:34,666
(audience laughing)

479
00:16:34,666 --> 00:16:36,071
I'll be back in a couple o' minutes.

480
00:16:36,071 --> 00:16:36,904
- I think you ought to go

481
00:16:36,904 --> 00:16:39,352
straight into Rumbold's
office and confront them.

482
00:16:39,352 --> 00:16:41,172
- In the old days, I would've stormed in,

483
00:16:41,172 --> 00:16:42,435
slapped his face with a glove,

484
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,642
and challenged him to a duel.

485
00:16:44,642 --> 00:16:45,622
- What size are ya?

486
00:16:45,622 --> 00:16:46,881
(audience laughing)

487
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:47,960
- Those were the old days.

488
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,645
People don't do that sort of thing now.

489
00:16:49,645 --> 00:16:50,478
- Oh, don't they?

490
00:16:50,478 --> 00:16:53,324
Only a few weeks ago, somebody
slapped my face with a glove,

491
00:16:53,324 --> 00:16:55,496
said they'd meet me in the park at dawn.

492
00:16:55,496 --> 00:16:57,455
Naturally, I didn't go.

493
00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:59,233
- Too big for ya, was he?

494
00:16:59,233 --> 00:17:00,684
- What makes you think it was a man?

495
00:17:00,684 --> 00:17:02,181
(audience laughing)

496
00:17:02,181 --> 00:17:04,152
- Come along, Captain Peacock.

497
00:17:04,152 --> 00:17:07,096
Face up to reality; go and see him.

498
00:17:07,096 --> 00:17:08,763
- Very well, I will.

499
00:17:10,185 --> 00:17:11,968
- Poor Captain Peacock.

500
00:17:11,968 --> 00:17:15,107
There is a saying that
when love is strong,

501
00:17:15,107 --> 00:17:17,350
a man and a woman can make their bed

502
00:17:17,350 --> 00:17:19,454
on the blade of a sword.

503
00:17:19,454 --> 00:17:21,144
But when love is weak,

504
00:17:21,144 --> 00:17:24,311
a bed of 60 cubits is not wide enough.

505
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,315
- 'Part from that, the Bedding
Department don't stock them.

506
00:17:27,315 --> 00:17:28,952
(audience laughing)

507
00:17:28,952 --> 00:17:31,948
- I don't know where he's
going to sleep tonight, Mother.

508
00:17:31,948 --> 00:17:33,211
Chances are, he'll crawl back

509
00:17:33,211 --> 00:17:34,902
with his tail between his legs.

510
00:17:34,902 --> 00:17:36,164
(chuckles)
(audience tittering)

511
00:17:36,164 --> 00:17:38,344
Well, I'll keep you posted.

512
00:17:38,344 --> 00:17:40,013
Bye, Mother.

513
00:17:40,013 --> 00:17:41,839
(receiver clanks in cradle)
(knocking on door)

514
00:17:41,839 --> 00:17:42,822
Who is it?

515
00:17:42,822 --> 00:17:46,739
- [Peacock] Captain
Peacock to see Mr. Rumbold.

516
00:17:48,018 --> 00:17:51,250
(key clicks in lock)

517
00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,215
- You can't come in; we're busy.

518
00:17:53,215 --> 00:17:54,048
- [Peacock] I see.

519
00:17:54,048 --> 00:17:56,965
(doorknob rattles)

520
00:17:57,989 --> 00:18:00,704
(audience tittering)

521
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,704
(audience laughing)

522
00:18:07,926 --> 00:18:11,104
- Aah!
(audience laughing)

523
00:18:11,104 --> 00:18:12,368
- It's no good, Captain Peacock.

524
00:18:12,368 --> 00:18:14,334
You've got to get some proper evidence.

525
00:18:14,334 --> 00:18:17,942
- We think it's awful, you not
knowin' one way or the other.

526
00:18:17,942 --> 00:18:20,513
- It's very kind of you
to be so concerned for me.

527
00:18:20,513 --> 00:18:22,248
- Now, I've got this friend of mine

528
00:18:22,248 --> 00:18:24,585
in the Radio Department
who's an absolute wizard

529
00:18:24,585 --> 00:18:26,973
at eavesdropping with electronic bugs.

530
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,233
He's given me this pen.

531
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:30,059
Now, the clip is the aerial.

532
00:18:30,059 --> 00:18:32,372
The top (puffs) is the microphone,

533
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:34,718
and you can transmit up to 200 yards.

534
00:18:34,718 --> 00:18:37,670
You pick it all up on
this little receiver here.

535
00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:39,770
There, now then; all we've got to do

536
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,882
is to get this pen into Rumbold's office.

537
00:18:41,882 --> 00:18:43,846
You can listen in, find
out what's going on,

538
00:18:43,846 --> 00:18:46,136
and you'll know one way or the other.

539
00:18:46,136 --> 00:18:48,245
- You seem to know a lot about
these things, Mr. Humphries.

540
00:18:48,245 --> 00:18:50,536
- Yes, well me mother 'ad
one o' these planted on me.

541
00:18:50,536 --> 00:18:52,739
She wanted to find out
what was going on and know

542
00:18:52,739 --> 00:18:54,793
(audience laughing)
one way or the other.

543
00:18:54,793 --> 00:18:55,733
The point is, how are we going

544
00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,371
to get this on Rumbold's desk?

545
00:18:57,371 --> 00:18:58,868
- Oh, that's quite simple.

546
00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:00,524
When you take something
in for 'im to sign,

547
00:19:00,524 --> 00:19:02,799
he invariably pinches your pen,

548
00:19:02,799 --> 00:19:05,056
four-eyed, two-faced,
thieving git that he is.

549
00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:06,316
(audience laughing)

550
00:19:06,316 --> 00:19:07,393
- Ah, that's easy then.

551
00:19:07,393 --> 00:19:08,701
You just take something for 'im to sign.

552
00:19:08,701 --> 00:19:10,433
- No, that I could not do.

553
00:19:10,433 --> 00:19:11,464
- One of us could do it.

554
00:19:11,464 --> 00:19:12,543
- I could take it in.

555
00:19:12,543 --> 00:19:13,807
I'll be very discreet.

556
00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:14,882
I'll look to the key'ole

557
00:19:14,882 --> 00:19:16,848
and see if they're havin'
a snog over the short'and.

558
00:19:16,848 --> 00:19:18,483
If they are, I'll come
back and tell you lot,

559
00:19:18,483 --> 00:19:19,654
an' we can all 'ave a look.

560
00:19:19,654 --> 00:19:21,010
(audience laughing)
- Juniors are not allowed

561
00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:23,448
into the office of management
without an appointment.

562
00:19:23,448 --> 00:19:24,566
- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.

563
00:19:24,566 --> 00:19:27,144
For a minute, I thought I
was a normal human bein'.

564
00:19:27,144 --> 00:19:28,786
Keep forgettin' how lowly I am.

565
00:19:28,786 --> 00:19:29,854
(audience laughing)

566
00:19:29,854 --> 00:19:31,400
- You take it, Mr. Humphries.

567
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,303
If I saw 'er in there, oglin' him,

568
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:37,690
I might not be able to hold me tongue.

569
00:19:37,690 --> 00:19:39,290
- Yours faithfully, Cuthbert Rumbold.

570
00:19:39,290 --> 00:19:40,510
(knocking on door)

571
00:19:40,510 --> 00:19:41,443
Who is it?

572
00:19:41,443 --> 00:19:42,528
- [Humphries] Mr. Humphries.

573
00:19:42,528 --> 00:19:43,361
- Enter.

574
00:19:45,020 --> 00:19:46,946
- Oh, the door's open.

575
00:19:46,946 --> 00:19:48,994
(audience laughing)

576
00:19:48,994 --> 00:19:50,071
- Of course it is.

577
00:19:50,071 --> 00:19:51,756
- I wonder if you'd be
kind enough, Mr. Rumbold,

578
00:19:51,756 --> 00:19:53,211
to sign this staff purchase.

579
00:19:53,211 --> 00:19:54,044
- Oh, yes.

580
00:19:58,442 --> 00:20:00,017
(audience laughing)

581
00:20:00,017 --> 00:20:00,850
- Thank you.

582
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:03,785
Sorry if I interrupted anything.

583
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,796
(door clacks open)
- You didn't.

584
00:20:05,796 --> 00:20:07,705
(audience laughing)

585
00:20:07,705 --> 00:20:08,538
(door thuds shut)

586
00:20:08,538 --> 00:20:09,926
- Mr. Rumbold, do you think

587
00:20:09,926 --> 00:20:12,676
he was behaving rather strangely?

588
00:20:13,528 --> 00:20:16,104
- It's very hard to tell.
(audience laughing)

589
00:20:16,104 --> 00:20:16,937
(knocking on door)

590
00:20:16,937 --> 00:20:17,770
Enter.

591
00:20:17,770 --> 00:20:19,381
(door clacks open)

592
00:20:19,381 --> 00:20:20,784
(audience tittering)

593
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:22,746
- Could ye sign for
these swatches, please?

594
00:20:22,746 --> 00:20:23,704
(audience laughing)

595
00:20:23,704 --> 00:20:24,930
Thank you.

596
00:20:24,930 --> 00:20:27,406
Oh, this roll o' cloth's
got damaged by water.

597
00:20:27,406 --> 00:20:30,218
Can the Cleanin' Department
'ave it for dusters?

598
00:20:30,218 --> 00:20:31,665
- Oh yes, yes, certainly.

599
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:32,665
- Thank you.

600
00:20:33,677 --> 00:20:35,504
- Oh, damn; this is Mr. Humphries' pen.

601
00:20:35,504 --> 00:20:37,345
Would you mind giving it
back to him, Mr. Harman?

602
00:20:37,345 --> 00:20:39,167
- The next time I'm on the floor, sir.

603
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:42,724
Erm...
(audience tittering)

604
00:20:42,724 --> 00:20:45,607
(audience laughing)

605
00:20:45,607 --> 00:20:48,440
(door thuds shut)

606
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:51,454
- How did you get on?

607
00:20:51,454 --> 00:20:53,369
- He took it, just like
you said. (chuckles)

608
00:20:53,369 --> 00:20:56,119
Now, we must get to the receiver.

609
00:20:58,221 --> 00:20:59,455
- What you got there, Warwick?

610
00:20:59,455 --> 00:21:02,312
- It's ol' Maxwell; he's
retired from Delivering.

611
00:21:02,312 --> 00:21:03,381
He'll be along in a few minutes,

612
00:21:03,381 --> 00:21:05,908
so as us an' the lads can
give 'im a bit of a sendoff.

613
00:21:05,908 --> 00:21:07,395
- Ah.

614
00:21:07,395 --> 00:21:09,545
(cork pops)

615
00:21:09,545 --> 00:21:10,854
(receiver clatters on counter)

616
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:11,854
- Switch on.

617
00:21:13,143 --> 00:21:15,093
(cork strains and pops)

618
00:21:15,093 --> 00:21:16,916
(audience laughing)

619
00:21:16,916 --> 00:21:17,900
- What was that?

620
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:20,241
- Sounded like some sort of a kiss.

621
00:21:20,241 --> 00:21:21,800
(audience tittering)

622
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,738
(cork strains and pops)

623
00:21:23,738 --> 00:21:24,767
(audience laughing)

624
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:25,983
- There's another one.

625
00:21:25,983 --> 00:21:26,816
- My god.

626
00:21:26,816 --> 00:21:29,451
(cloth tearing)
(audience laughing)

627
00:21:29,451 --> 00:21:30,900
- Wha' was that?

628
00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:32,485
- Sounded like the tearin' o' cloth.

629
00:21:32,485 --> 00:21:34,115
(man humming)

630
00:21:34,115 --> 00:21:35,944
- And he's hummin' while he's doin' it!

631
00:21:35,944 --> 00:21:39,326
(audience laughing)

632
00:21:39,326 --> 00:21:41,293
- What's that tune?

633
00:21:41,293 --> 00:21:42,461
- Getting To Know You.

634
00:21:42,461 --> 00:21:43,913
(audience laughing)

635
00:21:43,913 --> 00:21:45,129
- Swine!

636
00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:45,978
(audience tittering)

637
00:21:45,978 --> 00:21:47,001
- [Harman] Don't open any more, Warwick.

638
00:21:47,001 --> 00:21:48,362
Otherwise, we won't be able to drive...

639
00:21:48,362 --> 00:21:52,926
(audience laughing)
(cash register music)

640
00:21:52,926 --> 00:21:54,194
- There you are, Captain Peacock.

641
00:21:54,194 --> 00:21:56,669
Now, if you climb out of
the fitting room window,

642
00:21:56,669 --> 00:21:59,010
crawl along the ledge to Rumbold's window,

643
00:21:59,010 --> 00:22:01,114
you can take the snap,
and there's your evidence.

644
00:22:01,114 --> 00:22:03,368
- Let's face it, there
must be something going on.

645
00:22:03,368 --> 00:22:05,233
Else, why should they lock the door?

646
00:22:05,233 --> 00:22:06,636
- There is no real danger.

647
00:22:06,636 --> 00:22:09,163
The ledge is two foot wide.

648
00:22:09,163 --> 00:22:10,527
- No, it's just the psychological fear

649
00:22:10,527 --> 00:22:12,502
of fallin' 40 foot onto solid concrete.

650
00:22:12,502 --> 00:22:13,440
(audience laughing)

651
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,690
- He's gonna 'ave a rope round 'is waist.

652
00:22:15,690 --> 00:22:19,301
- Right; come on, before I change my mind.

653
00:22:19,301 --> 00:22:21,172
(audience laughing)

654
00:22:21,172 --> 00:22:22,206
- Right, eh.

655
00:22:22,206 --> 00:22:23,993
Four more letters, and we're finished.

656
00:22:23,993 --> 00:22:27,014
- Do you mind if I go and powder my nose?

657
00:22:27,014 --> 00:22:30,304
- No, no, of course not; do carry on.

658
00:22:30,304 --> 00:22:32,783
(muted traffic rumbling)

659
00:22:32,783 --> 00:22:33,902
- It's a long way down.

660
00:22:33,902 --> 00:22:35,782
- But you've got a rope tied round you.

661
00:22:35,782 --> 00:22:37,577
- Is the other end tied
to something substantial?

662
00:22:37,577 --> 00:22:39,469
- Not half; I've tied
it round Mrs. Slocombe.

663
00:22:39,469 --> 00:22:42,936
(audience tittering)

664
00:22:42,936 --> 00:22:44,855
- Oh! I can't do it.

665
00:22:44,855 --> 00:22:47,144
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

666
00:22:47,144 --> 00:22:49,110
Give me the camera.

667
00:22:49,110 --> 00:22:51,830
Honestly, you're weak as water.

668
00:22:51,830 --> 00:22:53,508
(audience laughing)

669
00:22:53,508 --> 00:22:55,150
- Whatever you do, don't look down!

670
00:22:55,150 --> 00:22:57,444
- I'm more worried
about people lookin' up.

671
00:22:57,444 --> 00:22:58,568
(audience laughing)

672
00:22:58,568 --> 00:23:00,715
Shut the door; I can't get by.

673
00:23:00,715 --> 00:23:04,882
(muted traffic rumbling)
(grunts)

674
00:23:05,869 --> 00:23:07,083
I need more rope.

675
00:23:07,083 --> 00:23:08,812
- You had all there is.

676
00:23:08,812 --> 00:23:10,075
- Untie yerself.

677
00:23:10,075 --> 00:23:11,342
- Go boil yer 'ead.

678
00:23:11,342 --> 00:23:12,175
(audience laughing)
- Captain Peacock,

679
00:23:12,175 --> 00:23:14,244
if you get out on the ledge,
you can give 'er a bit more.

680
00:23:14,244 --> 00:23:15,459
- [Spooner] Unless o'
course, yer dead scared.

681
00:23:15,459 --> 00:23:18,876
- Hold on, Mrs. Slocombe; I'm coming out.

682
00:23:20,441 --> 00:23:23,069
(Captain Peacock gasps)
- I'm nearly there.

683
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:23,902
- Hang on.

684
00:23:24,889 --> 00:23:26,344
If I close the window now,

685
00:23:26,344 --> 00:23:29,177
you can give 'er a bit more slack.

686
00:23:30,381 --> 00:23:35,121
- Come on.
(Captain Peacock exclaims)

687
00:23:35,121 --> 00:23:37,874
No; I still need a bit more.

688
00:23:37,874 --> 00:23:39,094
- I'm not moving another inch!

689
00:23:39,094 --> 00:23:40,676
- Oh, ye coward.

690
00:23:40,676 --> 00:23:42,512
- It's only in the
interests of your safety.

691
00:23:42,512 --> 00:23:43,345
- Oh.

692
00:23:44,421 --> 00:23:46,750
(camera clicks and whirs)

693
00:23:46,750 --> 00:23:47,708
Got it.

694
00:23:47,708 --> 00:23:48,747
- Don't drop it!

695
00:23:48,747 --> 00:23:50,013
- It's all blank.

696
00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:51,320
- Well, it hasn't developed yet.

697
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,850
Let me in!

698
00:23:52,850 --> 00:23:54,814
- Oh, the catch has broken off!

699
00:23:54,814 --> 00:23:56,553
- Get a hammer!
(audience laughing)

700
00:23:56,553 --> 00:23:57,816
- 'Ey, I think I can
open it with me penknife.

701
00:23:57,816 --> 00:23:58,980
- [Peacock] Well done, Spooner.

702
00:23:58,980 --> 00:24:00,285
- For heaven's sake, hurry up.

703
00:24:00,285 --> 00:24:02,019
I think I'm going to faint.

704
00:24:02,019 --> 00:24:03,842
- In that case, I got to untie this rope.

705
00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:05,167
(audience laughing)

706
00:24:05,167 --> 00:24:06,000
- [Spooner] It's comin'.

707
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:07,315
- Well done, Spooner.

708
00:24:07,315 --> 00:24:08,148
(window rattles)
(metal clinks)

709
00:24:08,148 --> 00:24:09,532
- Oh, I've broken the blade off me knife.

710
00:24:09,532 --> 00:24:10,513
It's really jammed now.

711
00:24:10,513 --> 00:24:11,969
- You idiot! What're we gonna do?

712
00:24:11,969 --> 00:24:13,683
- Now don't worry; the Sports Department

713
00:24:13,683 --> 00:24:16,274
have got a special offer of
climbing boots and ice picks.

714
00:24:16,274 --> 00:24:17,107
(audience laughing)

715
00:24:17,107 --> 00:24:17,957
- The maintenance men'll be out o' the pub

716
00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:19,975
in half an hour; they'll let you in.

717
00:24:19,975 --> 00:24:22,451
- Why don't you go back
through Mr. Rumbold's window?

718
00:24:22,451 --> 00:24:24,417
- We can't do that; he'll
see what we been up to!

719
00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:25,540
- If you don't get in 'ere quick,

720
00:24:25,540 --> 00:24:27,059
it'll be out in the inquest anyway.

721
00:24:27,059 --> 00:24:27,899
(audience laughing)

722
00:24:27,899 --> 00:24:29,581
- Let 'em in this window
along on the right.

723
00:24:29,581 --> 00:24:32,248
- Oh, what a good idea;
go on, Captain Peacock.

724
00:24:32,248 --> 00:24:33,154
- I'm not budging!

725
00:24:33,154 --> 00:24:35,404
- Oh well, hang on to yer gargoyles then,

726
00:24:35,404 --> 00:24:36,755
because I'm comin' past.

727
00:24:36,755 --> 00:24:40,088
(audience laughing)

728
00:24:40,088 --> 00:24:43,192
If you were a gentleman, ye'd
let a lady go on the inside.

729
00:24:43,192 --> 00:24:44,690
- Well, if you weren't so fat, you could!

730
00:24:44,690 --> 00:24:47,459
(hand slaps flesh)
(audience laughing)

731
00:24:47,459 --> 00:24:48,622
- [Slocombe] Oh, get on with it then.

732
00:24:48,622 --> 00:24:50,087
- Come on, Mrs. Slocombe.

733
00:24:50,087 --> 00:24:51,104
- I'm comin'.

734
00:24:51,104 --> 00:24:54,644
Shut the window that's up
'ere, 'cos I can't get past.

735
00:24:54,644 --> 00:24:59,131
(grunts) 'Ere, hang on to this.

736
00:24:59,131 --> 00:25:00,495
- But it's just 'im!

737
00:25:00,495 --> 00:25:01,660
She's not there.

738
00:25:01,660 --> 00:25:03,154
- She must be in there somewhere.

739
00:25:03,154 --> 00:25:04,984
Look behind the filing cabinet.

740
00:25:04,984 --> 00:25:06,931
- Well, isn't anybody going to 'elp me in?

741
00:25:06,931 --> 00:25:08,171
- [Brahms] Oh yes, careful.

742
00:25:08,171 --> 00:25:09,004
- Come on.

743
00:25:09,004 --> 00:25:10,182
- Oh, 'ang on.

744
00:25:10,182 --> 00:25:11,872
(audience laughing)

745
00:25:11,872 --> 00:25:16,039
(audience shrieking with laughter)

746
00:25:21,185 --> 00:25:22,018
- Oh.

747
00:25:23,106 --> 00:25:24,179
Where are we?

748
00:25:24,179 --> 00:25:25,395
- The gents' washroom.

749
00:25:25,395 --> 00:25:26,798
- Any port in a storm.

750
00:25:26,798 --> 00:25:29,278
(audience laughing)

751
00:25:29,278 --> 00:25:31,014
- Come on, Captain Peacock!

752
00:25:31,014 --> 00:25:31,991
- Not just now, thank you.

753
00:25:31,991 --> 00:25:36,158
I think I've got a tiny
touch of vertigo. (whimpers)

754
00:25:37,187 --> 00:25:38,218
(Mrs. Peacock sighs)

755
00:25:38,218 --> 00:25:40,122
- Ah, you're back.
(door thuds shut)

756
00:25:40,122 --> 00:25:41,529
There's a lot of noise going on out there.

757
00:25:41,529 --> 00:25:42,600
Would you look and see what it is?

758
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,017
- Yes, of course.

759
00:25:46,719 --> 00:25:48,736
Oh, my god, Stephen!

760
00:25:48,736 --> 00:25:50,466
You're not going to jump, are you?

761
00:25:50,466 --> 00:25:51,821
- Ye can bet money on it!

762
00:25:51,821 --> 00:25:52,942
(audience tittering)
- Oh, Stephen,

763
00:25:52,942 --> 00:25:55,518
it's all my fault; I've driven you to it.

764
00:25:55,518 --> 00:25:57,625
I was trying to make you jealous.

765
00:25:57,625 --> 00:25:59,681
- You succeeded beyond
your wildest dreams!

766
00:25:59,681 --> 00:26:00,711
(audience laughing)

767
00:26:00,711 --> 00:26:03,241
- Peacock! There was
never anything between us!

768
00:26:03,241 --> 00:26:06,094
It was just a masquerade to
try and save your marriage.

769
00:26:06,094 --> 00:26:09,375
- Oh Stephen, I couldn't live without you.

770
00:26:09,375 --> 00:26:11,233
- If this gargoyle gives
way, you may have to!

771
00:26:11,233 --> 00:26:13,851
(audience laughing)

772
00:26:13,851 --> 00:26:15,586
- Mrs. Peacock?

773
00:26:15,586 --> 00:26:16,975
About the blancmange.

774
00:26:16,975 --> 00:26:19,056
There's a perfectly innocent explanation,

775
00:26:19,056 --> 00:26:21,859
but I don't think this is the
time or the place! (yelps)

776
00:26:21,859 --> 00:26:22,692
(audience laughing)

777
00:26:22,692 --> 00:26:26,012
- Oh, to think you were going to jump.

778
00:26:26,012 --> 00:26:27,884
And hang yourself as well!

779
00:26:27,884 --> 00:26:30,650
(audience tittering)
Oh Stephen, I love you.

780
00:26:30,650 --> 00:26:32,799
You're so thorough.

781
00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:34,345
Do you still love me?

782
00:26:34,345 --> 00:26:36,636
- What do you think I'm doin'
out here, ye silly bitch!

783
00:26:36,636 --> 00:26:38,933
(audience laughing)

784
00:26:38,933 --> 00:26:41,410
- Oh, I'm better for that.

785
00:26:41,410 --> 00:26:42,254
Wot's been happenin'?

786
00:26:42,254 --> 00:26:44,735
- Well, Mrs. Peacock
loves Captain Peacock,

787
00:26:44,735 --> 00:26:48,899
and Captain Peacock, alias Jack
the Lad, loves Mrs. Peacock,

788
00:26:48,899 --> 00:26:51,377
although he's got a very
strange way of showing it.

789
00:26:51,377 --> 00:26:54,282
And Mr. Rumbold, it appears,
was just masquerading;

790
00:26:54,282 --> 00:26:55,731
and I know from long experience

791
00:26:55,731 --> 00:26:57,555
that only leads to trouble.

792
00:26:57,555 --> 00:26:59,754
And the maintenance men
who have the wherewithal

793
00:26:59,754 --> 00:27:02,566
to open the locked window
have just come out the pub.

794
00:27:02,566 --> 00:27:05,375
- Oh, isn't that
wonderful, Captain Peacock?

795
00:27:05,375 --> 00:27:08,043
All's well that ends well!

796
00:27:08,043 --> 00:27:10,256
- Mrs. Slocombe, since the maintenance men

797
00:27:10,256 --> 00:27:12,409
have just got on the 47 bus,

798
00:27:12,409 --> 00:27:14,325
what makes ye think it's
all going to end well!

799
00:27:14,325 --> 00:27:16,103
(audience laughing)

800
00:27:16,103 --> 00:27:20,270
(cash register music)
(audience applauding)

801
00:27:21,851 --> 00:27:23,366
♫ Ground floor, perfumery

802
00:27:23,366 --> 00:27:24,738
♫ Stationery and leather goods

803
00:27:24,738 --> 00:27:26,197
♫ Drapes and haberdashery

804
00:27:26,197 --> 00:27:27,375
♫ Kitchenware and food

805
00:27:27,375 --> 00:27:29,625
♫ Going up

806
00:27:33,408 --> 00:27:34,892
♫ First floor, telephones

807
00:27:34,892 --> 00:27:36,409
♫ Gents' ready-made suits

808
00:27:36,409 --> 00:27:37,735
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

809
00:27:37,735 --> 00:27:38,810
♫ Underwear and shoes

810
00:27:38,810 --> 00:27:41,060
♫ Going up

811
00:27:44,921 --> 00:27:46,468
♫ Second floor, carpets

812
00:27:46,468 --> 00:27:47,810
♫ Travel goods and bedding

813
00:27:47,810 --> 00:27:49,371
♫ Material, soft furnishings

814
00:27:49,371 --> 00:27:50,395
♫ Restaurant and teas

815
00:27:50,395 --> 00:27:52,812
♫ Going down

816
00:27:56,603 --> 00:27:58,021
♫ First floor, telephones

817
00:27:58,021 --> 00:27:59,452
♫ Gents' ready-made suits

818
00:27:59,452 --> 00:28:00,907
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

819
00:28:00,907 --> 00:28:02,027
♫ Underwear and shoes

820
00:28:02,027 --> 00:28:04,277
♫ Going up