1 00:00:00,244 --> 00:00:03,244 (registers dinging) 2 00:00:05,988 --> 00:00:07,976 - [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery, stationery, 3 00:00:07,976 --> 00:00:09,898 and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, 4 00:00:09,898 --> 00:00:11,857 kitchenware and food, going up. 5 00:00:11,857 --> 00:00:14,440 (upbeat music) 6 00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:19,798 First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits. 7 00:00:19,798 --> 00:00:22,522 - Here, I've got half a dozen pairs of Willies here, 8 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:23,993 where do you want 'em? 9 00:00:23,993 --> 00:00:25,188 (audience laughs) 10 00:00:25,188 --> 00:00:27,649 - We're gonna leave them until Mr. Grossman arrives. 11 00:00:27,649 --> 00:00:28,893 Let him decide. 12 00:00:28,893 --> 00:00:30,862 (boots plopping) - Alright. 13 00:00:30,862 --> 00:00:32,569 (lift dinging) 14 00:00:32,569 --> 00:00:33,877 - Good morning, Captain Peacock. 15 00:00:33,877 --> 00:00:34,734 - Good morning. 16 00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:35,727 - [Stephen] Good morning, ladies. 17 00:00:35,727 --> 00:00:37,891 - It's pouring with rain. 18 00:00:37,891 --> 00:00:39,607 I've ruined me shoes. 19 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:42,588 - You won't have far to go to buy a new pair. 20 00:00:42,588 --> 00:00:45,371 Mr. Grace has decreed that a section of the Shoe department 21 00:00:45,371 --> 00:00:47,789 to be phased in on our floor. 22 00:00:47,789 --> 00:00:49,012 - I hope Mr. Grace realizes 23 00:00:49,012 --> 00:00:52,929 that we're losing our most important point of display. 24 00:00:52,929 --> 00:00:54,364 The sales'll drop. 25 00:00:54,364 --> 00:00:55,758 - Yeah, we was gonna have an exhibition 26 00:00:55,758 --> 00:00:59,396 of honeymoon nighties this week, weren't we, Mrs. Slocombe? 27 00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:01,073 - From what I can remember of my honeymoon 28 00:01:01,073 --> 00:01:02,827 that shouldn't take up much room. 29 00:01:02,827 --> 00:01:04,960 (audience laughs) 30 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,114 - Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe. 31 00:01:06,114 --> 00:01:07,420 Good morning, Miss Brahms. 32 00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:08,360 - Morning. - Good morning. 33 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,546 - Look at this. 34 00:01:09,546 --> 00:01:11,034 Aren't they beautiful? 35 00:01:11,034 --> 00:01:13,903 If you saw the price they're asking at Lelly and Woolards 36 00:01:13,903 --> 00:01:16,682 you wouldn't dare to try them on. 37 00:01:16,682 --> 00:01:18,559 Feel the leather. 38 00:01:18,559 --> 00:01:20,226 A snip at 45 pounds. 39 00:01:21,216 --> 00:01:22,966 To you, 12 pounds 50. 40 00:01:24,526 --> 00:01:25,435 (laughs) 41 00:01:25,435 --> 00:01:27,532 How do I do it, you ask? 42 00:01:27,532 --> 00:01:28,530 They are seconds. 43 00:01:28,530 --> 00:01:30,695 (audience laughs) 44 00:01:30,695 --> 00:01:32,620 - Captain Peacock, I hope Mr. Grossman 45 00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:35,523 isn't going to be selling ladies shoes. 46 00:01:35,523 --> 00:01:39,033 - Mrs. Slocombe, I've been selling ladies shoes all my life. 47 00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,961 - You wouldn't sell a pair to me. 48 00:01:40,961 --> 00:01:43,369 No lady would allow a strange man to be in a position 49 00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:44,924 where he can have a peak-a-boo 50 00:01:44,924 --> 00:01:46,229 when she's trying something on. 51 00:01:46,229 --> 00:01:47,815 (audience laughs) 52 00:01:47,815 --> 00:01:51,083 - If you are upset, please, you sell the ladies shoes. 53 00:01:51,083 --> 00:01:53,003 - I'm not sure that I approve of that. 54 00:01:53,003 --> 00:01:55,594 Does Mrs. Slocombe no how to sell shoe? 55 00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:58,244 - Captain Peacock, when one is a salesperson 56 00:01:58,244 --> 00:02:00,533 one can sell anything. 57 00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:02,086 - Well, in that case, Mrs. Slocombe, 58 00:02:02,086 --> 00:02:05,148 you won't mind demonstrating on Miss Brahms. 59 00:02:05,148 --> 00:02:07,114 Mr. Harman, the chair. 60 00:02:07,114 --> 00:02:08,114 Miss Brahms. 61 00:02:09,447 --> 00:02:11,332 Carry on, Mrs. Slocombe. 62 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:12,165 - Right. 63 00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:20,506 (audience laughs) 64 00:02:20,506 --> 00:02:23,120 Good morning, madam, are you being served? 65 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,251 - I'd like a pair of shoes, please. 66 00:02:25,251 --> 00:02:28,803 - Oh, and has madam seen anything that caught her eye? 67 00:02:28,803 --> 00:02:29,636 - Well-- 68 00:02:29,636 --> 00:02:31,909 - The lady would like a pair of shoes not too high, 69 00:02:31,909 --> 00:02:33,176 and not too low. 70 00:02:33,176 --> 00:02:35,269 In a color that will go with anything, 71 00:02:35,269 --> 00:02:37,312 that will look smart in the evening, 72 00:02:37,312 --> 00:02:39,904 and that she can also wear in daytime. 73 00:02:39,904 --> 00:02:41,085 - I see. 74 00:02:41,085 --> 00:02:43,619 (audience laughs) 75 00:02:43,619 --> 00:02:44,974 And what size? 76 00:02:44,974 --> 00:02:46,621 - Italian 36. 77 00:02:46,621 --> 00:02:48,797 The lady doesn't know what it is in English. 78 00:02:48,797 --> 00:02:51,495 - Would madam kindly remove her shoe? 79 00:02:51,495 --> 00:02:53,920 Or would you like your grandfather to do it for you? 80 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,920 (audience laughing) 81 00:03:08,653 --> 00:03:11,236 - [Mr. Grossman] Mrs. Slocombe. 82 00:03:12,828 --> 00:03:14,867 - Well, I didn't realize we had one. 83 00:03:14,867 --> 00:03:17,700 (audience laughs) 84 00:03:45,074 --> 00:03:46,123 (gasps) 85 00:03:46,123 --> 00:03:48,956 (audience laughs) 86 00:04:14,903 --> 00:04:17,804 - Why don't you use a shoehorn? 87 00:04:17,804 --> 00:04:19,730 - Where is it? 88 00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:20,958 - Over here. 89 00:04:20,958 --> 00:04:23,791 (audience laughs) 90 00:04:32,129 --> 00:04:33,489 ♫ Hi ho hi ho 91 00:04:33,489 --> 00:04:34,556 ♫ It's off to work we 92 00:04:34,556 --> 00:04:37,389 (audience laughs) 93 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,725 - There, how does that feel? 94 00:04:48,725 --> 00:04:51,595 - I'm not sure about the color. 95 00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:53,027 I'll take them. 96 00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:54,379 (audience laughs) 97 00:04:54,379 --> 00:04:55,814 - There. (shoehorn rattles) 98 00:04:55,814 --> 00:04:57,006 Perfectly simple. 99 00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:59,876 - Madam would like to take them in the box, Mrs. Slocombe. 100 00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:02,876 (audience laughing) 101 00:05:20,173 --> 00:05:22,923 (Betty groaning) 102 00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:30,826 (audience laughs) 103 00:05:42,792 --> 00:05:45,209 (lift dings) 104 00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:53,535 (audience applauds) 105 00:05:59,534 --> 00:06:02,079 - Well, of course, if you have to go through all that 106 00:06:02,079 --> 00:06:05,092 palaver just to sell a cheap pair of shoes 107 00:06:05,092 --> 00:06:07,177 I'll stick to me underwear. 108 00:06:07,177 --> 00:06:08,939 - The way you was walking, I thought you had. 109 00:06:08,939 --> 00:06:10,692 (audience laughs) 110 00:06:10,692 --> 00:06:12,288 (lift dings) 111 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:15,288 (audience applauds) 112 00:06:19,654 --> 00:06:22,518 - Before you say anything, I've got to use this 113 00:06:22,518 --> 00:06:23,990 because me mother's got me raincoat 114 00:06:23,990 --> 00:06:26,521 to queue up for a disability pension. 115 00:06:26,521 --> 00:06:28,405 I borrowed it off a very nice girl punk rocker 116 00:06:28,405 --> 00:06:29,998 who lives next door. 117 00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:31,474 It was her bridal gown. 118 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,531 (audience laughs) 119 00:06:32,531 --> 00:06:34,491 - Don't tell me she got married in that. 120 00:06:34,491 --> 00:06:35,324 - Married? 121 00:06:35,324 --> 00:06:36,243 She lived in it for a week with the groom 122 00:06:36,243 --> 00:06:38,145 before they found somewhere to squat. 123 00:06:38,145 --> 00:06:39,083 (audience laughs) 124 00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:40,013 - Do you know Mr. Grossman? 125 00:06:40,013 --> 00:06:40,846 - Yes. 126 00:06:42,173 --> 00:06:44,016 How do you do? 127 00:06:44,016 --> 00:06:46,181 - He will also be assisting on your counter. 128 00:06:46,181 --> 00:06:48,177 Perhaps you'll be good enough to show him the ropes. 129 00:06:48,177 --> 00:06:49,010 - Of course. 130 00:06:49,010 --> 00:06:49,919 Captain Peacock, Mr. Grossman 131 00:06:49,919 --> 00:06:52,003 would you mind taking a corner each? 132 00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:53,436 - If you insist, Mr. Humphries. 133 00:06:53,436 --> 00:06:55,271 - Thank you, going down. 134 00:06:55,271 --> 00:06:58,104 (audience laughs) 135 00:06:58,943 --> 00:07:00,209 - Will you be going home in that? 136 00:07:00,209 --> 00:07:02,537 - I should think not after my experience on the tube. 137 00:07:02,537 --> 00:07:04,744 I feel asleep and somebody reported me 138 00:07:04,744 --> 00:07:06,827 as a dangerous parcel. 139 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,074 I woke up at Queensway to find a sergeant major 140 00:07:09,074 --> 00:07:11,686 in the Royal Engineers trying to take me fuse out. 141 00:07:11,686 --> 00:07:13,438 (audience laughs) 142 00:07:13,438 --> 00:07:15,194 - May I have your attention, please? 143 00:07:15,194 --> 00:07:16,611 - Ladies, please. 144 00:07:18,256 --> 00:07:19,928 - I want you to welcome your new assistant 145 00:07:19,928 --> 00:07:22,170 to this department, Mr. Spooner. 146 00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:24,092 I'm sure you're all aware that Mr. Spooner 147 00:07:24,092 --> 00:07:26,586 has already served time in the Paint department, 148 00:07:26,586 --> 00:07:28,258 Bedding and Sports. 149 00:07:28,258 --> 00:07:30,143 Now, you'll be under Mr. Humphries, 150 00:07:30,143 --> 00:07:32,763 who's under Mr. Grossman, who is under Captain Peacock. 151 00:07:32,763 --> 00:07:35,056 - I see, like the bottom bum on a triple hamburger. 152 00:07:35,056 --> 00:07:36,567 (audience laughs) 153 00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:37,920 - Preferably without the sauce. 154 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:38,983 (audience laughs) 155 00:07:38,983 --> 00:07:40,208 - Carry on, Captain, please. 156 00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:41,847 ♫ Rolling 'round the world 157 00:07:41,847 --> 00:07:44,018 ♫ Looking for the sunshine 158 00:07:44,018 --> 00:07:46,680 ♫ That never seems to go my way 159 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,909 - What is that, Mr. Harman? 160 00:07:48,909 --> 00:07:50,420 - This is a point of sale display for the 161 00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,388 Winter Wonder Weather Worthy Willies. 162 00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:53,221 (audience laughs) 163 00:07:53,221 --> 00:07:54,054 - You know about this, Mr. Grossman? 164 00:07:54,054 --> 00:07:54,928 - Let me explain. 165 00:07:54,928 --> 00:07:57,651 Here we have a bit of simulated British countryside, 166 00:07:57,651 --> 00:07:58,484 i.e. mud. 167 00:07:59,517 --> 00:08:01,764 Here, we have the Willies, which is guaranteed, 168 00:08:01,764 --> 00:08:05,611 unconditionally for five years against seepage and leakage. 169 00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:08,229 On the approach of a costumer, all you do is switch on 170 00:08:08,229 --> 00:08:11,209 and this is guaranteed to attract attention. 171 00:08:11,209 --> 00:08:12,042 Thus. 172 00:08:13,046 --> 00:08:17,213 (mud squishing) (audience laughs) 173 00:08:23,206 --> 00:08:24,572 - Captain Peacock, 174 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:27,064 I hope you don't expect me to stand here trying to sell 175 00:08:27,064 --> 00:08:30,426 honeymoon nighties with that noise going on. 176 00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,344 (audience laughs) 177 00:08:32,344 --> 00:08:35,614 (mud bubbling) 178 00:08:35,614 --> 00:08:38,519 (audience laughs) 179 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:41,519 (audience applauds) 180 00:08:49,623 --> 00:08:52,207 - Mr. Spooner, part of our table has become detached. 181 00:08:52,207 --> 00:08:53,445 It's probably the cleaners. 182 00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:56,695 Give me a hand to move it up, will you? 183 00:09:01,446 --> 00:09:03,657 - What do you think you're doing? 184 00:09:03,657 --> 00:09:04,762 - I would have thought it was obvious 185 00:09:04,762 --> 00:09:07,549 to the meanest intelligence that I'm moving this table 186 00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:10,004 to the side of that table. 187 00:09:10,004 --> 00:09:11,313 A position, which to my knowledge, 188 00:09:11,313 --> 00:09:13,850 it has occupied for the past 15 years. 189 00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:14,997 - Put it back. 190 00:09:14,997 --> 00:09:15,830 - I beg your pardon? 191 00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:16,681 - You got cloth ears? 192 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,932 - Madam, I do not like the tone of your voice. 193 00:09:18,932 --> 00:09:20,797 - I don't like the color of your mustache 194 00:09:20,797 --> 00:09:22,066 but I'm learning to live with it. 195 00:09:22,066 --> 00:09:23,216 Put it back. 196 00:09:23,216 --> 00:09:24,158 (audience laughs) 197 00:09:24,158 --> 00:09:25,550 - I shall do no such thing. 198 00:09:25,550 --> 00:09:26,949 - Alright, I will. 199 00:09:26,949 --> 00:09:29,239 (table rattling) 200 00:09:29,239 --> 00:09:31,047 - Mr. Spooner. 201 00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:32,437 Put it back. 202 00:09:32,437 --> 00:09:33,988 - Is that an order, Captain Peacock? 203 00:09:33,988 --> 00:09:35,338 - It is. 204 00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:36,688 - Please note, I'm obeying orders, 205 00:09:36,688 --> 00:09:38,422 for this reason I hope you will not be 206 00:09:38,422 --> 00:09:40,037 putting your fingers in my plum duff. 207 00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:42,809 (audience laughs) 208 00:09:42,809 --> 00:09:46,613 - I'm only gonna do this one more time. 209 00:09:46,613 --> 00:09:47,446 (table slams) 210 00:09:47,446 --> 00:09:48,328 - Very glad to hear it. 211 00:09:48,328 --> 00:09:50,640 (audience laughs) 212 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:54,120 (audience applauds) 213 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,721 - Nancy! 214 00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,112 Nancy, come and give me a hand. 215 00:09:57,112 --> 00:09:58,544 I've having a bit of trouble with the uppity one 216 00:09:58,544 --> 00:09:59,973 moth eaten 'tache. 217 00:09:59,973 --> 00:10:01,896 (audience laughs) 218 00:10:01,896 --> 00:10:04,230 (table slams) 219 00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:05,133 (audience laughs) 220 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:08,300 Now what are you gonna do, Montgomery? 221 00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,238 - Are you all behind me? 222 00:10:12,238 --> 00:10:13,268 - We are. - Yes, Captain Peacock. 223 00:10:13,268 --> 00:10:15,518 - On the count of two, one, 224 00:10:16,388 --> 00:10:17,253 two. 225 00:10:17,253 --> 00:10:20,253 (audience applauds) 226 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,506 - Glad I found you all together. 227 00:10:28,506 --> 00:10:30,549 The G and C Fire Department came 'round yesterday 228 00:10:30,549 --> 00:10:32,877 and they've instructed us that there has to be 229 00:10:32,877 --> 00:10:35,950 a uniform fire passage between all the tables 230 00:10:35,950 --> 00:10:38,279 so as to gain free access to the fire exit. 231 00:10:38,279 --> 00:10:40,362 Therefore your table has to be divided. 232 00:10:40,362 --> 00:10:42,080 Peacock, could you move your table 233 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,285 a couple of feet in this direction? 234 00:10:44,285 --> 00:10:45,225 - Yes, sir. 235 00:10:45,225 --> 00:10:46,211 - [Cuthbert] Thank you, sir. 236 00:10:46,211 --> 00:10:49,044 (audience laughs) 237 00:10:54,271 --> 00:10:55,618 - If you just told us that in the first place 238 00:10:55,618 --> 00:10:57,666 like any other, sensible chimpanzee, 239 00:10:57,666 --> 00:10:59,055 we wouldn't have had all this bother. 240 00:10:59,055 --> 00:11:01,104 (audience laughs) 241 00:11:01,104 --> 00:11:02,818 - You really put my back up. 242 00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:04,372 - Oh yeah, who put your front up? 243 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,557 (audience laughs) 244 00:11:05,557 --> 00:11:06,390 - That's enough out of you. 245 00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:08,499 I'm under a great strain cooking for you lot. 246 00:11:08,499 --> 00:11:10,989 - You'd be under a lot more strain if you had to eat it. 247 00:11:10,989 --> 00:11:12,788 (audience laughs) 248 00:11:12,788 --> 00:11:14,550 - Good for you, Miss Brahms. 249 00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,025 There you are, Captain Peacock. 250 00:11:16,025 --> 00:11:18,275 - Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe. 251 00:11:23,254 --> 00:11:24,320 - Just a minute. 252 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:25,909 (audience laughs) 253 00:11:25,909 --> 00:11:27,713 Where am I going to sit? 254 00:11:27,713 --> 00:11:29,405 - Well, you'd better sit over there. 255 00:11:29,405 --> 00:11:31,243 - I don't want to sit alone at that table 256 00:11:31,243 --> 00:11:33,351 like one what's been ostracized. 257 00:11:33,351 --> 00:11:34,942 (audience laughs) 258 00:11:34,942 --> 00:11:37,022 - Mrs. Slocombe, please take my seat. 259 00:11:37,022 --> 00:11:38,987 - Oh, thank you so much. 260 00:11:38,987 --> 00:11:43,643 Nowadays one so rarely finds that ole continental charm. 261 00:11:43,643 --> 00:11:45,449 - Except from old continentals. 262 00:11:45,449 --> 00:11:46,811 (audience laughs) 263 00:11:46,811 --> 00:11:49,383 - Mr. Grossman, we can't have a senior member of staff 264 00:11:49,383 --> 00:11:50,977 sitting over there all by himself. 265 00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,286 Come and sit over here with us. 266 00:11:52,286 --> 00:11:54,036 I'll get you a chair. 267 00:11:57,712 --> 00:12:00,545 (audience laughs) 268 00:12:03,278 --> 00:12:06,424 Mr. Spooner, as you sit contemplating your fish and chips 269 00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:10,386 it must be obvious what your next move is to be. 270 00:12:10,386 --> 00:12:12,230 - Certainly is, Captain Peacock. 271 00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:14,190 (audience laughs) 272 00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:15,701 - Spooner, 273 00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,662 that is not your next move. 274 00:12:17,662 --> 00:12:19,953 That is your next move. 275 00:12:19,953 --> 00:12:21,303 - Here, have I been blackballed? 276 00:12:21,303 --> 00:12:22,530 - Well, you must have been thrown out 277 00:12:22,530 --> 00:12:24,490 the Paint department for some reason. 278 00:12:24,490 --> 00:12:27,323 (audience laughs) 279 00:12:32,035 --> 00:12:33,956 - Why has Mr. Spooner been blackballed? 280 00:12:33,956 --> 00:12:35,385 (audience laughs) 281 00:12:35,385 --> 00:12:38,494 - Because the firemen wanted a clear passage. 282 00:12:38,494 --> 00:12:40,013 - No further questions. 283 00:12:40,013 --> 00:12:42,846 (audience laughs) 284 00:12:49,995 --> 00:12:52,612 - Mr. Humphries, if you sit on the floor there all alone 285 00:12:52,612 --> 00:12:54,244 people will start talking. 286 00:12:54,244 --> 00:12:55,719 Why don't you sit over there? 287 00:12:55,719 --> 00:12:56,701 - 'Cause as long as I'm sitting here 288 00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,020 I know what they're talking about. 289 00:12:58,020 --> 00:12:59,537 (audience laughs) 290 00:12:59,537 --> 00:13:01,130 - Oh, come over here, Mr. Humphries. 291 00:13:01,130 --> 00:13:02,463 We can hunch up. 292 00:13:03,540 --> 00:13:06,234 We can always find room for a little one. 293 00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:08,729 - (laughs) Mrs. Slocombe, you do have a way with words. 294 00:13:08,729 --> 00:13:11,562 (audience laughs) 295 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:16,943 Ow! 296 00:13:16,943 --> 00:13:18,298 Something's sticking in me. 297 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,604 - Are you alright? 298 00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:22,505 - It's a demand from the taxman, but he's not getting it. 299 00:13:22,505 --> 00:13:23,689 (audience laughs) 300 00:13:23,689 --> 00:13:24,968 - How much money does he want? 301 00:13:24,968 --> 00:13:26,358 - He doesn't want any money, it's just a demand 302 00:13:26,358 --> 00:13:27,539 and he's not getting it. 303 00:13:27,539 --> 00:13:28,767 (audience laughs) 304 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,319 - Has anybody seen my paper? 305 00:13:30,319 --> 00:13:32,279 - You're sitting on it, Mr. Grossman. 306 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,708 - Oh yes. 307 00:13:33,708 --> 00:13:36,525 As long as I know where it is. 308 00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:39,076 - If you was in China you could read it like that. 309 00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:41,369 (audience laughs) 310 00:13:41,369 --> 00:13:42,269 - What do you mean? 311 00:13:42,269 --> 00:13:44,135 - Well, there was this article in this magazine 312 00:13:44,135 --> 00:13:47,077 where they is training people in China and Russia 313 00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:49,854 to read books by putting them under their arms. 314 00:13:49,854 --> 00:13:51,774 And there was a picture of someone reading 315 00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:54,633 by putting their elbows on the words. 316 00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:55,466 (audience laughs) 317 00:13:55,466 --> 00:13:56,397 - Yes, I read that article. 318 00:13:56,397 --> 00:13:59,337 It seems that with training people could read 319 00:13:59,337 --> 00:14:01,670 with any part of their body. 320 00:14:02,896 --> 00:14:04,254 - Mrs. Slocombe would be good at that. 321 00:14:04,254 --> 00:14:05,938 She could open the Times, sit on it, 322 00:14:05,938 --> 00:14:07,572 and read two pages as once. 323 00:14:07,572 --> 00:14:10,512 (audience laughs) 324 00:14:10,512 --> 00:14:12,268 - Anymore of your lip and I'll have you banned 325 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,903 from the canteen. 326 00:14:13,903 --> 00:14:15,903 (audience laughs) 327 00:14:15,903 --> 00:14:17,004 - Has anyone got a hammer? 328 00:14:17,004 --> 00:14:18,967 I can't get this fork in me liver. 329 00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:20,817 - I don't think we should take too much time over lunch. 330 00:14:20,817 --> 00:14:22,740 Young Mr. Grace wants to introduce us 331 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:24,910 to his brother, Old Mr. Grace. 332 00:14:24,910 --> 00:14:27,439 - Is it true that Young Mr. Grace is retiring? 333 00:14:27,439 --> 00:14:28,829 - No, no, no, no, he's not retiring, 334 00:14:28,829 --> 00:14:31,694 I believe he's been writing a book on ornithology. 335 00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:34,647 He's completed his research into mating and migration 336 00:14:34,647 --> 00:14:37,268 and now he wants to spend more time on the nest. 337 00:14:37,268 --> 00:14:40,039 (audience laughs) 338 00:14:40,039 --> 00:14:41,713 - Has anybody seen his brother? 339 00:14:41,713 --> 00:14:42,879 - Not in the flesh. 340 00:14:42,879 --> 00:14:45,618 But a Rolls Royce ambulance with black windows drew up 341 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,680 just before lunch. 342 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,618 (audience laughs) 343 00:14:47,618 --> 00:14:49,597 - And did Mr. Grace get out of the back? 344 00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:50,700 - No, he was driving it, 345 00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:52,376 six dancing girls got out of the back. 346 00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:55,209 (audience laughs) 347 00:14:57,889 --> 00:14:59,803 - I can hardly feel anything there. 348 00:14:59,803 --> 00:15:02,153 - I can hardly feel anything anywhere. 349 00:15:02,153 --> 00:15:05,463 (audience laughs) 350 00:15:05,463 --> 00:15:06,773 (door slams) 351 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,368 - Excuse me not knocking, Mr. Grace, 352 00:15:08,368 --> 00:15:09,597 but you don't hear me when I do 353 00:15:09,597 --> 00:15:11,774 so I didn't think it was worth the time and effort 354 00:15:11,774 --> 00:15:12,798 if I did so I didn't. 355 00:15:12,798 --> 00:15:15,278 (audience laughs) 356 00:15:15,278 --> 00:15:16,380 - What was that? 357 00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:17,213 - Nothing. 358 00:15:18,056 --> 00:15:19,322 There's an elderly gentleman outside 359 00:15:19,322 --> 00:15:20,996 what says he wants to see ya. 360 00:15:20,996 --> 00:15:23,663 (woman screams) 361 00:15:26,633 --> 00:15:28,362 - Yes, that would be my brother. 362 00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:29,195 - [Beverley] Oh. 363 00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:30,028 - Come in. 364 00:15:32,146 --> 00:15:33,396 - Hello, Henry. 365 00:15:35,718 --> 00:15:37,037 (audience laughs) 366 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:38,630 - I'm not Henry, you're Henry. 367 00:15:38,630 --> 00:15:39,774 - Oh yes. 368 00:15:39,774 --> 00:15:43,252 Is that where I'm going to sit, I suppose? 369 00:15:43,252 --> 00:15:44,524 - Yes, that's right. 370 00:15:44,524 --> 00:15:46,445 - Where does my secretary sit? 371 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:47,717 - On your knee, you fool. 372 00:15:47,717 --> 00:15:49,350 (audience laughs) 373 00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:52,504 - This is your secretary, sir. 374 00:15:52,504 --> 00:15:56,514 One owner since new, completely run in, very sporty, 375 00:15:56,514 --> 00:15:58,561 capable of high speeds if you put your foot down 376 00:15:58,561 --> 00:15:59,710 and she's all yours. 377 00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:00,610 (audience laughs) 378 00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:02,003 This young lady is your nurse. 379 00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,196 There's her bell on the desk. 380 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,663 And when you give her the signal 381 00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:05,968 she comes running. 382 00:16:05,968 --> 00:16:07,436 And the day she gives the signal 383 00:16:07,436 --> 00:16:08,740 we all come running. 384 00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:10,128 (audience laughs) 385 00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:10,961 (rapid knocking) 386 00:16:10,961 --> 00:16:13,163 Oh, it's the door. 387 00:16:13,163 --> 00:16:13,996 - Excuse me, sir, 388 00:16:13,996 --> 00:16:16,229 the staff from the Clothing department-- 389 00:16:16,229 --> 00:16:17,416 - Send them in. 390 00:16:17,416 --> 00:16:19,383 - Please, come in. 391 00:16:19,383 --> 00:16:21,416 - You do the honors, Rumbold. 392 00:16:21,416 --> 00:16:22,722 - This is Captain Peacock. 393 00:16:22,722 --> 00:16:23,555 - Good afternoon, sir. 394 00:16:23,555 --> 00:16:27,138 - I've heard all about you from my brother. 395 00:16:28,496 --> 00:16:29,693 - This is Mr. Grossman. 396 00:16:29,693 --> 00:16:30,735 - Good afternoon, sir. 397 00:16:30,735 --> 00:16:34,318 - I've heard all about you from my brother. 398 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,625 - This is Mr. Humphries. 399 00:16:36,625 --> 00:16:37,458 - Hello. 400 00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:39,602 - I've heard all about you from my brother, 401 00:16:39,602 --> 00:16:41,855 but I didn't understand a word of it. 402 00:16:41,855 --> 00:16:44,688 (audience laughs) 403 00:16:45,694 --> 00:16:46,794 - This is Mrs. Slocombe. 404 00:16:46,794 --> 00:16:49,002 She's made a big mark in the Ladies. 405 00:16:49,002 --> 00:16:50,671 - Well, don't do it again. 406 00:16:50,671 --> 00:16:53,504 (audience laughs) 407 00:16:55,496 --> 00:16:56,392 - This is Miss Brahms. 408 00:16:56,392 --> 00:16:58,227 A sunny, friendly personality, 409 00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,748 who shows a great deal of promise. 410 00:16:59,748 --> 00:17:01,835 - Yes, but it never been fulfilled. 411 00:17:01,835 --> 00:17:05,395 (audience laughs) 412 00:17:05,395 --> 00:17:06,591 - This is Spooner. 413 00:17:06,591 --> 00:17:08,100 - Who has a sarcastic personality 414 00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,020 and shows no promise whatever. 415 00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:11,936 (audience laughs) 416 00:17:11,936 --> 00:17:13,576 - Well, that's about it, sir. 417 00:17:13,576 --> 00:17:14,644 Mr. Grace? 418 00:17:14,644 --> 00:17:15,851 Mr. Grace? 419 00:17:15,851 --> 00:17:16,793 You dropped off, sir. 420 00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:17,699 - Hmm? 421 00:17:17,699 --> 00:17:19,172 - [Cuthbert] Dropped off. 422 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,843 - What dropped? 423 00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:22,890 (audience laughs) 424 00:17:22,890 --> 00:17:26,018 - Your brother has not met all the staff, sir. 425 00:17:26,018 --> 00:17:27,968 - In that case, I can go. (laughs) 426 00:17:27,968 --> 00:17:29,806 - Make way for Mr. Grace, hold the door open. 427 00:17:29,806 --> 00:17:31,082 Don't get in his way, give him plenty of air. 428 00:17:31,082 --> 00:17:31,915 Come on now. 429 00:17:31,915 --> 00:17:34,068 - Alright, alright, don't make so much fuss. 430 00:17:34,068 --> 00:17:37,071 I'm not the emperor of China. 431 00:17:37,071 --> 00:17:40,505 Well, you've all done very well. 432 00:17:40,505 --> 00:17:41,797 - Come along, Mr. Grace. 433 00:17:41,797 --> 00:17:44,003 (audience applauds) 434 00:17:44,003 --> 00:17:46,253 - [All] So long, Mr. Grace. 435 00:17:47,472 --> 00:17:48,806 - There's your pajamas, madam. 436 00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:51,559 And if your husband doesn't get complete satisfaction 437 00:17:51,559 --> 00:17:53,444 don't hesitate to bring them back. 438 00:17:53,444 --> 00:17:55,204 (audience laughs) 439 00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:57,161 Now where was I? 440 00:17:57,161 --> 00:17:58,408 - You had a funny, shaky feeling 441 00:17:58,408 --> 00:17:59,912 so you went to see the doctor. 442 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:00,745 - Oh yes. 443 00:18:00,745 --> 00:18:01,960 Well, after a very rigorous examination 444 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:02,988 he looked and me and he said, 445 00:18:02,988 --> 00:18:04,918 "I can't find anything wrong with you." 446 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,040 Which surprised me. 447 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,936 So I asked for a second opinion. 448 00:18:07,936 --> 00:18:08,769 - Did you get one? 449 00:18:08,769 --> 00:18:10,486 - From the window cleaner, but we closed the curtains 450 00:18:10,486 --> 00:18:11,711 and ignored him. 451 00:18:11,711 --> 00:18:12,978 (audience laughs) 452 00:18:12,978 --> 00:18:15,466 So anyway, he sent me to see this psychiatrist, you see, 453 00:18:15,466 --> 00:18:16,451 in the same building. 454 00:18:16,451 --> 00:18:18,171 Well, as soon as I went through the door he said, 455 00:18:18,171 --> 00:18:19,979 "Lie on the couch and tell me the first thing 456 00:18:19,979 --> 00:18:21,778 "that comes into your mind." 457 00:18:21,778 --> 00:18:23,010 I said, you mind closing those curtains, 458 00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:24,561 I'm sick of the sight of that window cleaner. 459 00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:25,703 (audience laughs) 460 00:18:25,703 --> 00:18:27,017 - Did he find out what your problem was? 461 00:18:27,017 --> 00:18:29,385 - Not exactly, but we've tracked down his. 462 00:18:29,385 --> 00:18:31,266 We're having dinner tonight, to discuss it. 463 00:18:31,266 --> 00:18:34,131 (audience laughs) 464 00:18:34,131 --> 00:18:36,587 Just fell my hand, it's gone all clammy. 465 00:18:36,587 --> 00:18:38,221 - No, I'll take your word for it. 466 00:18:38,221 --> 00:18:39,814 (audience laughs) 467 00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:41,343 - I think I shall have to sit down. 468 00:18:41,343 --> 00:18:45,649 Mr. Spooner, do you mind helping me to that chair? 469 00:18:45,649 --> 00:18:47,243 Oh, I say. 470 00:18:47,243 --> 00:18:48,527 Get me a pair of Y fronts. 471 00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,527 (audience laughs) 472 00:18:50,527 --> 00:18:51,360 - What size? 473 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,232 - Any size. 474 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:55,089 (audience laughs) 475 00:18:55,089 --> 00:18:56,155 Thank you. 476 00:18:56,155 --> 00:18:58,659 (package whooshing) 477 00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:01,807 - Mr. Spooner, why is Mr. Humphries sitting down 478 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:05,204 and fanning himself with a couple of Y fronts? 479 00:19:05,204 --> 00:19:06,476 - He's come over peculiar. 480 00:19:06,476 --> 00:19:07,700 (audience laughs) 481 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,953 - I heard about this. 482 00:19:09,953 --> 00:19:12,405 I didn't realize this is the form it took. 483 00:19:12,405 --> 00:19:14,815 (audience laughs) 484 00:19:14,815 --> 00:19:16,454 He's fainted, get a doctor! 485 00:19:16,454 --> 00:19:17,521 (registers dinging) 486 00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:18,666 - Miss Brahms, get on the phone. 487 00:19:18,666 --> 00:19:19,499 - [Shirley] Yes. 488 00:19:19,499 --> 00:19:22,767 (registers dinging) 489 00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:25,600 (audience laughs) 490 00:19:29,956 --> 00:19:31,584 - How are you feeling now, Mr. Humphries? 491 00:19:31,584 --> 00:19:32,485 - I feel perfectly alright 492 00:19:32,485 --> 00:19:34,667 but I've got a funny lump coming up on me nose. 493 00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:36,060 (audience laughs) 494 00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:37,816 - Well, Mr. Humphries has to stay here 495 00:19:37,816 --> 00:19:41,378 until the doctor's completed the blood tests. 496 00:19:41,378 --> 00:19:42,975 - Will it take long? 497 00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,451 - They took a lot of blood. 498 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:45,573 (audience laughs) 499 00:19:45,573 --> 00:19:47,328 - Yes, well, I have to go home now 500 00:19:47,328 --> 00:19:49,130 but I've given Mr. Harman instructions 501 00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:51,022 to let the doctor in when he arrives. 502 00:19:51,022 --> 00:19:52,868 If you're feeling groggy, I suggest you take a taxi. 503 00:19:52,868 --> 00:19:53,932 - Thank you. 504 00:19:53,932 --> 00:19:55,727 - At your own expense, of course. 505 00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,560 (audience laughs) 506 00:19:59,526 --> 00:20:01,037 - I can't find his pulse. 507 00:20:01,037 --> 00:20:01,954 - Allow me. 508 00:20:04,182 --> 00:20:05,489 Yes, that seems alright. 509 00:20:05,489 --> 00:20:07,449 His wrist is a bit limp but his heart's still going. 510 00:20:07,449 --> 00:20:08,920 (audience laughs) 511 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,739 - Oh, his forehead's very warm. 512 00:20:11,739 --> 00:20:12,724 - His nose is cold. 513 00:20:12,724 --> 00:20:14,073 (audience laughs) 514 00:20:14,073 --> 00:20:15,875 - His hair's a bit lifeless. 515 00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:17,720 It's a sign of poor health. 516 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,597 - He's probably got distemper. 517 00:20:19,597 --> 00:20:20,987 We'll have to get you a Bob Martins. 518 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:21,820 (rapid knocking) 519 00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:24,562 - [Mr. Peacock] Come in. 520 00:20:24,562 --> 00:20:26,522 - I won't come in any farther, sir. 521 00:20:26,522 --> 00:20:29,258 The doctor's here and he's got the result of the blood test. 522 00:20:29,258 --> 00:20:31,226 - Is he looking hopeful? 523 00:20:31,226 --> 00:20:32,412 - It's hard to tell. 524 00:20:32,412 --> 00:20:35,963 (audience laughs) 525 00:20:35,963 --> 00:20:40,254 (all gasping) (audience laughs) 526 00:20:40,254 --> 00:20:41,402 - [Doctor] Don't be alarmed. 527 00:20:41,402 --> 00:20:44,422 Just a few elementary precautions. 528 00:20:44,422 --> 00:20:46,384 - What's the matter with him? 529 00:20:46,384 --> 00:20:47,531 - [Doctor] Well, the patient's has contracted 530 00:20:47,531 --> 00:20:51,182 a rather rare malady known as Marine's disease. 531 00:20:51,182 --> 00:20:53,429 - Marine's disease? 532 00:20:53,429 --> 00:20:54,709 Is it catching? 533 00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:56,183 - [Doctor] It's never been known to be fatal 534 00:20:56,183 --> 00:20:57,776 but it does have some rather nasty side effects 535 00:20:57,776 --> 00:20:59,736 if you don't get the grip for it quickly. 536 00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:02,636 Well, let's have a look at you. 537 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,722 Did you always have that bump on your nose? 538 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,785 - Of course not. 539 00:21:05,785 --> 00:21:07,049 - [Doctor] That's one of the first symptoms 540 00:21:07,049 --> 00:21:08,443 of the first stage. 541 00:21:08,443 --> 00:21:10,016 Now, have you been sneezing a lot? 542 00:21:10,016 --> 00:21:10,849 - No. 543 00:21:10,849 --> 00:21:12,480 - [Doctor] Well, you've got the sneezing to come. 544 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,153 That's the second stage. 545 00:21:14,153 --> 00:21:15,299 Now the trouble is that anybody 546 00:21:15,299 --> 00:21:16,407 who's been in contact with the patient 547 00:21:16,407 --> 00:21:18,204 will have to be isolated. 548 00:21:18,204 --> 00:21:20,817 - We've all been in contact with him. 549 00:21:20,817 --> 00:21:22,496 - [Doctor] Well then, in that case we'll have to seal off 550 00:21:22,496 --> 00:21:24,295 the whole department and you'll all have to be isolated 551 00:21:24,295 --> 00:21:26,866 until the Medical Officer of Health gives you the all clear. 552 00:21:26,866 --> 00:21:28,096 - But at seven o'clock tonight 553 00:21:28,096 --> 00:21:30,994 my pussy's expecting to see a friendly face. 554 00:21:30,994 --> 00:21:32,137 (audience laughs) 555 00:21:32,137 --> 00:21:33,778 - How long are we to be isolated? 556 00:21:33,778 --> 00:21:35,015 - [Doctor] For about seven days. 557 00:21:35,015 --> 00:21:37,837 - Just how do you get this Marine's disease? 558 00:21:37,837 --> 00:21:40,835 - I knew somebody would ask that question sooner or later. 559 00:21:40,835 --> 00:21:41,941 - [Doctor] It's nothing to do with Marines. 560 00:21:41,941 --> 00:21:44,083 In fact, it comes from small shellfish. 561 00:21:44,083 --> 00:21:46,590 - Should have kept me hands off those winkles last night. 562 00:21:46,590 --> 00:21:47,945 (audience laughs) 563 00:21:47,945 --> 00:21:51,673 (registers dinging) 564 00:21:51,673 --> 00:21:54,860 (spray whooshing) 565 00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:56,499 - What are you doing, Mr. Harman? 566 00:21:56,499 --> 00:21:57,603 - As per doctor's orders. 567 00:21:57,603 --> 00:21:59,044 Seeing as how they couldn't go to hospital 568 00:21:59,044 --> 00:22:01,499 I just decontaminated the lift 569 00:22:01,499 --> 00:22:02,790 so they can be taken to their quarters 570 00:22:02,790 --> 00:22:04,547 where they can all be isolated. 571 00:22:04,547 --> 00:22:06,150 - I think they were quite relieved when they heard 572 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:07,419 they weren't going to hospital. 573 00:22:07,419 --> 00:22:08,316 - They won't be so relieved 574 00:22:08,316 --> 00:22:09,907 when they hear where they're going. 575 00:22:09,907 --> 00:22:11,415 Where've they got to? 576 00:22:11,415 --> 00:22:13,148 - They're burning their clothes in the incinerator 577 00:22:13,148 --> 00:22:15,906 and putting on their antiseptic, disposable sleepwear. 578 00:22:15,906 --> 00:22:16,884 - Oh. 579 00:22:16,884 --> 00:22:19,717 (audience laughs) 580 00:22:28,721 --> 00:22:30,699 Oh, blimey, the last time I saw a sight like that 581 00:22:30,699 --> 00:22:32,257 the keeper was feeding 'em 582 00:22:32,257 --> 00:22:34,219 with a bucket of fish and a penguin. 583 00:22:34,219 --> 00:22:35,730 (audience laughs) 584 00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:36,794 - Where are we going? 585 00:22:36,794 --> 00:22:39,830 - Oh, Mr. Grace did consider sending you to the boardroom. 586 00:22:39,830 --> 00:22:41,465 - That sounds quite nice. 587 00:22:41,465 --> 00:22:43,851 - Yeah, but he couldn't find the key to the drinks cabinet. 588 00:22:43,851 --> 00:22:46,629 - Oh, he needn't had bothered to open that for us. 589 00:22:46,629 --> 00:22:47,718 - He wanted to lock it. 590 00:22:47,718 --> 00:22:48,859 (audience laughs) 591 00:22:48,859 --> 00:22:50,132 - So where are we going? 592 00:22:50,132 --> 00:22:51,199 - The bedding store. 593 00:22:51,199 --> 00:22:53,738 - Well, at least there'll be plenty of decent beds. 594 00:22:53,738 --> 00:22:54,718 - Right, follow me. 595 00:22:54,718 --> 00:22:58,113 (spray whooshing) 596 00:22:58,113 --> 00:23:00,946 (audience laughs) 597 00:23:02,565 --> 00:23:05,565 (audience applauds) 598 00:23:12,785 --> 00:23:15,812 - These must be our quarters through here. 599 00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:17,206 Oh no, that's the loo. 600 00:23:17,206 --> 00:23:18,351 (audience laughs) 601 00:23:18,351 --> 00:23:20,754 Where are we supposed to be going, Mr. Harman? 602 00:23:20,754 --> 00:23:22,638 - He's closing the door! 603 00:23:22,638 --> 00:23:26,962 - [Stephen] Harman, Harman, open that door at once, Harman! 604 00:23:26,962 --> 00:23:29,086 - The doctor's orders, you got to be isolated 605 00:23:29,086 --> 00:23:30,762 and isolated you is. 606 00:23:30,762 --> 00:23:32,081 - But we can't stay in here. 607 00:23:32,081 --> 00:23:33,429 - Lights out 10 o'clock. 608 00:23:33,429 --> 00:23:35,367 I'll be 'round in the morning with a cuppa. 609 00:23:35,367 --> 00:23:36,639 - But where are the beds? 610 00:23:36,639 --> 00:23:38,517 - That's it over there. 611 00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,836 A king-sized water bed. 612 00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,201 Returned by an Arab sheik 613 00:23:42,201 --> 00:23:44,734 because it was too big a strain on his oasis. 614 00:23:44,734 --> 00:23:46,328 (audience laughs) 615 00:23:46,328 --> 00:23:47,434 - What about our dinner? 616 00:23:47,434 --> 00:23:49,728 - Oh yeah, I'll shove it through this little hole. 617 00:23:49,728 --> 00:23:51,681 It'll be narrow, but nourishing. 618 00:23:51,681 --> 00:23:52,872 (audience laughs) 619 00:23:52,872 --> 00:23:55,789 (everyone yelling) 620 00:23:59,265 --> 00:24:02,306 - Well, what I say is, if we're going to have to stay here 621 00:24:02,306 --> 00:24:04,884 we might as well make the best of it. 622 00:24:04,884 --> 00:24:05,717 Cheers. 623 00:24:07,133 --> 00:24:08,480 If we remain here for a week 624 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,502 I'm determined I'm not going to get it. 625 00:24:11,502 --> 00:24:13,304 - We'll drink to that, Mr. Grace. 626 00:24:13,304 --> 00:24:17,471 (audience laughs) (rapid knocking) 627 00:24:18,679 --> 00:24:19,864 - Excuse me, Mr. Grace. 628 00:24:19,864 --> 00:24:22,175 - How are they getting on down in the basement? 629 00:24:22,175 --> 00:24:24,216 - They was hammering on the door for about an hour, 630 00:24:24,216 --> 00:24:26,837 then I gave them all chicken curry and prunes. 631 00:24:26,837 --> 00:24:28,994 (audience laughs) 632 00:24:28,994 --> 00:24:30,057 - I see. 633 00:24:30,057 --> 00:24:32,056 Is it all quiet down there now? 634 00:24:32,056 --> 00:24:34,962 - As quiet as can be expected under the circumstances. 635 00:24:34,962 --> 00:24:37,332 (audience laughs) 636 00:24:37,332 --> 00:24:39,538 - Let us face it, it is a callous act 637 00:24:39,538 --> 00:24:42,160 and a gross violation of our freedom. 638 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,526 But we are here for the night. 639 00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:46,283 - But where are we gonna sleep? 640 00:24:46,283 --> 00:24:50,750 - Well, speaking for myself, and I am unanimous in this, 641 00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:53,365 Miss Brahms and me are not spending the night 642 00:24:53,365 --> 00:24:56,277 and sharing a bed with four men. 643 00:24:56,277 --> 00:24:59,564 - Yeah, especially when one of them is him. 644 00:24:59,564 --> 00:25:01,493 - Mrs. Slocombe, I think I speak for all of us 645 00:25:01,493 --> 00:25:03,461 when I say, that the sight of you in that 646 00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:05,797 doesn't exactly send the blood surging 647 00:25:05,797 --> 00:25:07,399 like fire through my veins. 648 00:25:07,399 --> 00:25:08,829 (audience laughs) 649 00:25:08,829 --> 00:25:10,994 - You could, of course, take the floor, Mrs. Slocombe. 650 00:25:10,994 --> 00:25:14,066 - On the other hand, if we have to share, 651 00:25:14,066 --> 00:25:16,276 then I bags the outside. 652 00:25:16,276 --> 00:25:19,359 And you be next to me, Mr. Humphries. 653 00:25:20,523 --> 00:25:22,326 Mr. Humphries, 654 00:25:22,326 --> 00:25:23,394 what are you doing? 655 00:25:23,394 --> 00:25:25,444 - I'm not doing anything. 656 00:25:25,444 --> 00:25:26,761 - You're agitating it. 657 00:25:26,761 --> 00:25:28,154 - I'm doing nothing of the kind! 658 00:25:28,154 --> 00:25:30,987 (audience laughs) 659 00:25:32,116 --> 00:25:33,616 Captain Peacock... 660 00:25:34,690 --> 00:25:36,688 Captain Peacock, I don't often ask this, 661 00:25:36,688 --> 00:25:38,044 but would you mind holding my hand? 662 00:25:38,044 --> 00:25:40,790 (audience laughs) 663 00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:42,585 That's better. 664 00:25:42,585 --> 00:25:45,281 - We're gonna have to stay very still in the night. 665 00:25:45,281 --> 00:25:46,384 - I usually do. 666 00:25:46,384 --> 00:25:47,404 (audience laughs) 667 00:25:47,404 --> 00:25:50,153 - Come on Miss Brahms, you get in next to me. 668 00:25:50,153 --> 00:25:51,015 - Come on, everybody. 669 00:25:51,015 --> 00:25:52,814 All the rest of you get in, that's right. 670 00:25:52,814 --> 00:25:55,147 You on the end, Mr. Spooner. 671 00:25:57,437 --> 00:25:59,945 Scoot in, Miss Brahms while I get my legs in. 672 00:25:59,945 --> 00:26:01,539 Come on mister, mister... 673 00:26:01,539 --> 00:26:03,765 Mr. Grossman get in. 674 00:26:03,765 --> 00:26:05,040 Spooner over here. 675 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,062 Down there. 676 00:26:06,062 --> 00:26:09,062 (audience laughing) 677 00:26:10,310 --> 00:26:12,808 Hold on, hold onto the back. 678 00:26:12,808 --> 00:26:13,922 Hold onto the back. 679 00:26:13,922 --> 00:26:14,755 Alright. 680 00:26:14,755 --> 00:26:16,840 Hang on, hang on. 681 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,900 Now then, everybody ease down 682 00:26:19,900 --> 00:26:21,983 very slowly into the bed. 683 00:26:24,043 --> 00:26:24,876 Slowly. 684 00:26:24,876 --> 00:26:26,293 Careful, careful. 685 00:26:27,418 --> 00:26:28,501 There we are. 686 00:26:29,972 --> 00:26:31,728 - Mrs. Slocombe, 687 00:26:31,728 --> 00:26:32,750 where's your foot? 688 00:26:32,750 --> 00:26:35,639 (audience laughs) 689 00:26:35,639 --> 00:26:37,967 - I've rather lost track of them, Mr. Humphries. 690 00:26:37,967 --> 00:26:39,116 (audience laughs) 691 00:26:39,116 --> 00:26:42,635 - Try wiggling your right, big toe. 692 00:26:42,635 --> 00:26:43,744 No. 693 00:26:43,744 --> 00:26:45,213 Your left one. 694 00:26:45,213 --> 00:26:46,849 (laughs) 695 00:26:46,849 --> 00:26:48,455 (audience laughs) 696 00:26:48,455 --> 00:26:50,210 You'll have to move it, Mrs. Slocombe. 697 00:26:50,210 --> 00:26:53,043 (audience laughs) 698 00:26:58,022 --> 00:27:00,030 - Are you alright, Mrs. Slocombe? 699 00:27:00,030 --> 00:27:02,302 - Not very, Captain Peacock. 700 00:27:02,302 --> 00:27:03,565 - I'm a bad sailor. 701 00:27:03,565 --> 00:27:06,289 - Well, put it like this, 702 00:27:06,289 --> 00:27:08,125 even when I'm watching... 703 00:27:08,125 --> 00:27:11,042 (audience laughs) 704 00:27:12,410 --> 00:27:15,337 Triangle I have to take seasick pills. 705 00:27:15,337 --> 00:27:17,176 (audience laughs) 706 00:27:17,176 --> 00:27:18,426 - Don't we all. 707 00:27:20,645 --> 00:27:22,645 I think it's going down. 708 00:27:26,463 --> 00:27:28,546 Everybody lie quite still 709 00:27:29,995 --> 00:27:31,995 and breathe very slowly. 710 00:27:33,344 --> 00:27:34,177 In. 711 00:27:35,138 --> 00:27:36,531 Out. 712 00:27:36,531 --> 00:27:37,364 In. 713 00:27:38,496 --> 00:27:39,843 Out. 714 00:27:39,843 --> 00:27:41,523 - Oxford are leading by two lengths. 715 00:27:41,523 --> 00:27:44,433 (audience laughs) - Be quiet, Mr. Spooner. 716 00:27:44,433 --> 00:27:47,464 - I can't go to sleep with the light on. 717 00:27:47,464 --> 00:27:48,749 - Well, you'll have to, 718 00:27:48,749 --> 00:27:51,573 because my curry won't stand one more wave. 719 00:27:51,573 --> 00:27:52,838 (audience laughs) 720 00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:53,824 - I've got another problem. 721 00:27:53,824 --> 00:27:55,868 I can feel phase two coming on. 722 00:27:55,868 --> 00:27:56,771 - Not the sneezes? 723 00:27:56,771 --> 00:27:58,822 - I'm afraid so. 724 00:27:58,822 --> 00:28:00,669 - I've got an itchy nose and all. 725 00:28:00,669 --> 00:28:02,117 - Funny you should say that-- 726 00:28:02,117 --> 00:28:04,771 (sneezes forcefully) 727 00:28:04,771 --> 00:28:07,354 (all sneezing) 728 00:28:09,453 --> 00:28:12,925 (audience applauds) 729 00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:14,948 (registers dinging) 730 00:28:14,948 --> 00:28:15,982 - [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery, 731 00:28:15,982 --> 00:28:18,559 stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, 732 00:28:18,559 --> 00:28:21,122 kitchenware and food, going up. 733 00:28:21,122 --> 00:28:23,705 (upbeat music) 734 00:28:25,878 --> 00:28:28,820 First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits, 735 00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:32,240 shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up. 736 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,823 (upbeat music) 737 00:28:37,514 --> 00:28:40,376 Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding, 738 00:28:40,376 --> 00:28:43,848 material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas. 739 00:28:43,848 --> 00:28:44,681 Going down! 740 00:28:44,681 --> 00:28:47,264 (upbeat music) 741 00:28:49,177 --> 00:28:52,075 First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits, 742 00:28:52,075 --> 00:28:56,126 shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up. 743 00:28:56,126 --> 00:28:58,709 (upbeat music)