1 00:00:00,291 --> 00:00:03,624 (cash register ringing) 2 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:06,673 ♫ Ground floor 3 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,672 ♫ Perfumery, stationery, and leather goods 4 00:00:08,672 --> 00:00:11,479 ♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food 5 00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,729 ♫ Going up 6 00:00:17,429 --> 00:00:18,399 ♫ First floor, telephones 7 00:00:18,399 --> 00:00:19,232 (knocking on door) 8 00:00:19,232 --> 00:00:20,065 - Enter. 9 00:00:21,568 --> 00:00:23,408 - Morning, Mr. Rumbold, sir. 10 00:00:23,408 --> 00:00:24,408 Your coffee. 11 00:00:26,223 --> 00:00:27,773 - Why isn't the coffee in the cup? 12 00:00:27,773 --> 00:00:30,764 - The canteen are supplying instant in the packet. 13 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:32,045 Look, I'll show ya. 14 00:00:32,045 --> 00:00:33,212 There you are. 15 00:00:34,123 --> 00:00:36,540 Now that is the magic powder. 16 00:00:37,693 --> 00:00:39,413 Are you ready to drink it now? 17 00:00:39,413 --> 00:00:41,133 - I will be in the fullness of time. 18 00:00:41,133 --> 00:00:42,418 - I'm sorry, sir, that's not good enough. 19 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:45,014 You have to be ready to drink it at once. 20 00:00:45,014 --> 00:00:45,964 - Why is that? 21 00:00:45,964 --> 00:00:47,185 - Well, it's instant coffee. 22 00:00:47,185 --> 00:00:49,265 So called because there is only one instance 23 00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:50,444 when it tastes like coffee. 24 00:00:50,444 --> 00:00:53,444 (audience laughing) 25 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:55,346 And go! 26 00:00:58,684 --> 00:00:59,517 Well, go on, take it all. 27 00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:02,073 Go on, go on, all up, drink it all up, sir. 28 00:01:02,073 --> 00:01:03,524 Oh, that's lovely, sir, go on. 29 00:01:03,524 --> 00:01:04,565 That's it, that's it. 30 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:05,916 Go right on. 31 00:01:05,916 --> 00:01:07,105 See, see? 32 00:01:07,105 --> 00:01:09,684 Right, now, today is Friday which is payday. 33 00:01:09,684 --> 00:01:11,985 So can I have the money to take down for the staff? 34 00:01:11,985 --> 00:01:14,905 - Ah, now, there's been a change in the payout arrangements. 35 00:01:14,905 --> 00:01:17,185 The money will be brought down by the accounts clerk 36 00:01:17,185 --> 00:01:19,505 in a security dispenser. 37 00:01:19,505 --> 00:01:20,636 - Well, I don't like the sound of that. 38 00:01:20,636 --> 00:01:24,113 I've been doling out the wages in the wire basket for years. 39 00:01:24,113 --> 00:01:26,713 - Yes, but, Mr. Harman, times are changing. 40 00:01:26,713 --> 00:01:28,276 And the insurance company insists 41 00:01:28,276 --> 00:01:31,305 that we use a more modern method. 42 00:01:31,305 --> 00:01:33,754 - Does that mean I've been made redundant? 43 00:01:33,754 --> 00:01:34,895 - Indeed not. 44 00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:38,903 You will accompany the clerk as security escort. 45 00:01:38,903 --> 00:01:40,500 - Yeah, but if I don't take the money, 46 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,364 I mean, I'm being downgraded. 47 00:01:42,364 --> 00:01:45,516 I shall have to report this to my accredited shop steward. 48 00:01:45,516 --> 00:01:46,742 What happens to be me. 49 00:01:46,742 --> 00:01:48,291 (audience laughing) 50 00:01:48,291 --> 00:01:49,879 - Well, pity about that. 51 00:01:49,879 --> 00:01:51,750 There was to have been a bonus of two pounds 52 00:01:51,750 --> 00:01:53,011 that went with the job. 53 00:01:53,011 --> 00:01:54,201 - I'm sorry, sir, I can't stay. 54 00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:57,462 I've gotta go down to the accounts department. 55 00:01:57,462 --> 00:01:59,051 - Thank you for your custom, madam. 56 00:01:59,051 --> 00:01:59,884 - Thank you very much. 57 00:01:59,884 --> 00:02:01,880 - So, anyway, me and Mrs. Axelbidden didn't fancy 58 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,399 going abroad this year. 59 00:02:03,399 --> 00:02:05,466 I mean, Spin's getting so common. 60 00:02:05,466 --> 00:02:07,049 Anybody can go now. 61 00:02:08,382 --> 00:02:12,220 So, anyway, we booked into this holiday camp. 62 00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:14,740 - Aren't you bothered by them young men campers? 63 00:02:14,740 --> 00:02:16,358 - No, not at all. 64 00:02:16,358 --> 00:02:20,321 And it was so hot that we sat in our nightdresses 65 00:02:20,321 --> 00:02:22,390 with the door wide open. 66 00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:24,798 (audience laughing) 67 00:02:24,798 --> 00:02:26,715 And nobody bothered us. 68 00:02:27,950 --> 00:02:29,929 - Well, it sounds a bit boring to me. 69 00:02:29,929 --> 00:02:31,409 - Oh, no, not at all. 70 00:02:31,409 --> 00:02:33,569 There was something going on all the time. 71 00:02:33,569 --> 00:02:34,736 Oh, I laughed. 72 00:02:36,419 --> 00:02:41,348 On Wednesday night, they have this sort of variety concert. 73 00:02:41,348 --> 00:02:45,287 And there was this man that hypnotized people. 74 00:02:45,287 --> 00:02:46,558 - Was he any good? 75 00:02:46,558 --> 00:02:49,228 - Well, he got me up on the stage. 76 00:02:49,228 --> 00:02:53,718 And apparently had me doing all sorts of silly things. 77 00:02:53,718 --> 00:02:56,788 Look, that was taken of me. 78 00:02:56,788 --> 00:02:58,766 - Blimey, you're standing on your head. 79 00:02:58,766 --> 00:03:01,649 - I know! (laughing) 80 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:04,678 I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen that picture. 81 00:03:04,678 --> 00:03:06,737 - Well, it's lucky your seams were straight. 82 00:03:06,737 --> 00:03:09,059 (audience laughing) 83 00:03:09,059 --> 00:03:13,328 - And that's one of me when he had me doing the can-can. 84 00:03:13,328 --> 00:03:15,978 And that's just after at the first aid post. 85 00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,907 (audience laughing) 86 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:21,978 Oh, and all the way through the show, 87 00:03:21,978 --> 00:03:24,627 whenever he snapped his fingers, 88 00:03:24,627 --> 00:03:27,248 all the audience blew a raspberry. 89 00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:28,081 (laughing) 90 00:03:28,081 --> 00:03:30,647 - Mrs. Slocombe. (snapping fingers) 91 00:03:30,647 --> 00:03:32,355 (blowing raspberry) (audience laughing) 92 00:03:32,355 --> 00:03:35,272 (elevator ringing) 93 00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:43,634 (audience laughing) 94 00:03:46,856 --> 00:03:49,204 - Are you being served, sir? 95 00:03:49,204 --> 00:03:52,674 - That's the gentleman I want to see. 96 00:03:52,674 --> 00:03:54,694 - Ah, that's our Mr. Humphries. 97 00:03:54,694 --> 00:03:55,527 - Yes. 98 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,360 - Excuse me, Mr. Humphries. 99 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,193 This gentleman would like to speak to you. 100 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,037 He asked for you personally. 101 00:03:58,037 --> 00:03:58,870 - Thanks. 102 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,469 What can I do for you, sir? 103 00:04:02,469 --> 00:04:04,678 - I'm going to show you something, it's gonna shock you. 104 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,928 (audience laughing) 105 00:04:06,928 --> 00:04:07,761 - Okay. 106 00:04:10,007 --> 00:04:12,424 Guess I'll put me glasses on. 107 00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:16,474 - Are you ready? 108 00:04:16,474 --> 00:04:19,105 - As ready as I shall ever be. 109 00:04:19,105 --> 00:04:20,083 - Here. 110 00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:23,083 (audience laughing) 111 00:04:25,875 --> 00:04:28,854 - What exactly am I supposed to be looking at? 112 00:04:28,854 --> 00:04:30,345 - Well, this sweater. 113 00:04:30,345 --> 00:04:32,505 When I bought it, it came down to there. 114 00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:35,414 Now look where it's gone to. 115 00:04:35,414 --> 00:04:36,566 - Did you wash it yourself? 116 00:04:36,566 --> 00:04:38,883 - Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. 117 00:04:38,883 --> 00:04:41,564 And you assured me it was drip dry. 118 00:04:41,564 --> 00:04:43,123 - Are you the drip that dried it? 119 00:04:43,123 --> 00:04:45,321 (audience laughing) 120 00:04:45,321 --> 00:04:46,915 - That'll do, Mr. Lucas. 121 00:04:46,915 --> 00:04:48,705 Did you wash it in lukewarm water, sir? 122 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:49,915 - Yes. 123 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:51,345 - Did you use a mild detergent? 124 00:04:51,345 --> 00:04:52,446 - Yes. 125 00:04:52,446 --> 00:04:54,825 - Did you use soft water? - Yes! 126 00:04:54,825 --> 00:04:57,206 - Did you hang it up to dry? - Yes! 127 00:04:57,206 --> 00:04:59,726 (laughing) 128 00:04:59,726 --> 00:05:01,014 - You've obviously not read the label. 129 00:05:01,014 --> 00:05:03,865 This garment is made of pure giraffe wool. 130 00:05:03,865 --> 00:05:05,605 (audience laughing) 131 00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:07,454 - What difference does that make? 132 00:05:07,454 --> 00:05:09,326 - It's exactly the same principal as the cows, 133 00:05:09,326 --> 00:05:10,534 isn't it, Mr. Lucas? 134 00:05:10,534 --> 00:05:12,545 - Oh, identical, Mr. Humphries. 135 00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:15,444 - I mean, when it's going to rain, cows lie down. 136 00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:16,675 - So what? 137 00:05:16,675 --> 00:05:17,865 - Well, it's just the same with the giraffe. 138 00:05:17,865 --> 00:05:19,766 I mean, if they stood up and got their skins wet 139 00:05:19,766 --> 00:05:21,585 it would all hang over in folds, 140 00:05:21,585 --> 00:05:24,805 and when they galloped off they'd trip over it. 141 00:05:24,805 --> 00:05:26,985 Now, what I suggest you do is wash it again, 142 00:05:26,985 --> 00:05:29,425 lie it on a towel to dry, in some sunlight, 143 00:05:29,425 --> 00:05:31,195 not before 2:00 in the afternoon, 144 00:05:31,195 --> 00:05:35,166 preferably with a cool, westerly breeze blowing. 145 00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:37,315 If you have any trouble, don't hesitate to bring it back. 146 00:05:37,315 --> 00:05:38,475 Good morning. 147 00:05:38,475 --> 00:05:41,285 (audience laughing) 148 00:05:41,285 --> 00:05:43,335 - Good morning. 149 00:05:43,335 --> 00:05:47,105 - What a salesman you are, Mr. Humphries, sir. 150 00:05:47,105 --> 00:05:51,686 A silver tongue, a golden smile, a warm heart. 151 00:05:51,686 --> 00:05:53,645 You should have a great career 152 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,395 with the right person behind you. 153 00:05:57,695 --> 00:05:59,545 - Do you mind changing places with me? 154 00:05:59,545 --> 00:06:02,497 (audience laughing) 155 00:06:02,497 --> 00:06:04,695 ♫ Goin 'round the world 156 00:06:04,695 --> 00:06:08,387 ♫ Going for a good time 157 00:06:08,387 --> 00:06:09,398 - Gather around, everybody. 158 00:06:09,398 --> 00:06:10,627 Come on, come on. 159 00:06:10,627 --> 00:06:12,328 Now, as you may have heard, 160 00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:15,500 this is the new security wage dispenser. 161 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,649 Would you perhaps like to explain, Mr. Patel? 162 00:06:18,649 --> 00:06:20,721 - Certainly, Captain Peacock. 163 00:06:20,721 --> 00:06:24,888 Now, you all have identity photographs on your records. 164 00:06:25,998 --> 00:06:30,165 These photographs have been copied and are inside here. 165 00:06:31,070 --> 00:06:33,710 This machine will scan you, 166 00:06:33,710 --> 00:06:36,401 compare you with the identity photograph, 167 00:06:36,401 --> 00:06:39,759 and, if you are, in fact, who you claim to be, 168 00:06:39,759 --> 00:06:43,372 your salary will be duly deposited in the payout tray. 169 00:06:43,372 --> 00:06:47,462 - Why don't it come in a wire basket like it always done? 170 00:06:47,462 --> 00:06:49,262 - Did, Miss Brahms. 171 00:06:49,262 --> 00:06:51,191 - Oh, like it always did done. 172 00:06:51,191 --> 00:06:53,492 (audience laughing) 173 00:06:53,492 --> 00:06:57,052 - Because of the alarming increase in daylight robbery. 174 00:06:57,052 --> 00:06:59,073 - Well, our wages are daylight robbery. 175 00:06:59,073 --> 00:07:01,302 - That will do, Mr. Lucas. 176 00:07:01,302 --> 00:07:02,742 - Now, who is to go first? 177 00:07:02,742 --> 00:07:04,230 - I will go first. 178 00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:05,750 - Thank you, Captain Peacock. 179 00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:08,153 Captain Peacock is going first. 180 00:07:08,153 --> 00:07:09,910 (employees applauding) 181 00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:11,442 Standby, Mr. Harman. 182 00:07:11,442 --> 00:07:12,524 - Are you ready, Captain Peacock? 183 00:07:12,524 --> 00:07:14,793 - Ready. - Ready, Mr. Patel? 184 00:07:14,793 --> 00:07:15,951 - Absolutely ready. 185 00:07:15,951 --> 00:07:18,922 - I'm pressing the buttons, now. 186 00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:20,290 - Please, do be quite still. 187 00:07:20,290 --> 00:07:23,123 (machine buzzing) 188 00:07:25,202 --> 00:07:28,770 (machine chugging) 189 00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:31,270 The comparing is now going on. 190 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,802 - [Machine] Do not pay out, do not pay out. 191 00:07:36,802 --> 00:07:39,802 (audience laughing) 192 00:07:40,722 --> 00:07:42,570 - You are perhaps wondering why the machine 193 00:07:42,570 --> 00:07:43,882 has not paid out. 194 00:07:43,882 --> 00:07:45,898 - I was wondering why the machine has not paid out, 195 00:07:45,898 --> 00:07:46,978 hey, Mr. Lucas? 196 00:07:46,978 --> 00:07:49,905 - Yes, plus it's been stolen by a dolly. 197 00:07:49,905 --> 00:07:52,137 - I will not look at the identity photograph 198 00:07:52,137 --> 00:07:54,470 to see if there is a reason. 199 00:07:55,465 --> 00:07:57,804 Ah, there we have it. 200 00:07:57,804 --> 00:08:00,993 You see, in the photograph, you are wearing fancy dress. 201 00:08:00,993 --> 00:08:03,105 - I am not in fancy dress. 202 00:08:03,105 --> 00:08:04,194 That photograph was taken 203 00:08:04,194 --> 00:08:06,738 for the Grace Brothers Operatic Society's 204 00:08:06,738 --> 00:08:09,680 much acclaimed production of "The Pirates of Penzance." 205 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,889 I played the part of Frederick. 206 00:08:11,889 --> 00:08:13,529 - Well, that's all right, now. 207 00:08:13,529 --> 00:08:17,319 If you just wear a black patch and something red 208 00:08:17,319 --> 00:08:21,009 on your head, you will get immediately your salary. 209 00:08:21,009 --> 00:08:22,109 - It may surprise you to know 210 00:08:22,109 --> 00:08:25,218 that I do not have my pirate costume with me. 211 00:08:25,218 --> 00:08:28,810 - Oh, here, you can use this for an eye patch. 212 00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:30,901 (audience laughing) 213 00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:33,200 Here, shove that in your mince pie. 214 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,397 - And put these on your head as a red handkerchief. 215 00:08:35,397 --> 00:08:37,157 (audience laughing) 216 00:08:37,157 --> 00:08:39,408 - You think that every time I get my salary 217 00:08:39,408 --> 00:08:42,147 I'm going to parade with a brassiere in my eye, 218 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,429 and a pair of knickers on me head, 219 00:08:43,429 --> 00:08:45,180 you've got another thing coming. 220 00:08:45,180 --> 00:08:48,763 - Now, look, do you want your money or not? 221 00:08:51,032 --> 00:08:53,741 (audience laughing) 222 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:57,074 (cash register ringing) 223 00:09:02,659 --> 00:09:05,429 - What have you got there, Mr. Goldberg? 224 00:09:05,429 --> 00:09:09,539 - It's a little business I run on the side. 225 00:09:09,539 --> 00:09:12,869 I can't live on the money they pay you here. 226 00:09:12,869 --> 00:09:15,411 So I run a little agency. 227 00:09:15,411 --> 00:09:17,009 - What sort of an agency? 228 00:09:17,009 --> 00:09:21,300 - Oh, it's a first class employment agency. 229 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:25,467 I find positions for high-class salesmen like yourself. 230 00:09:26,541 --> 00:09:28,180 - Seems to pay off very well. 231 00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:30,042 - I do it very cheap, though. 232 00:09:30,042 --> 00:09:33,125 I only charge the first week's wages. 233 00:09:35,981 --> 00:09:38,231 (counting) 234 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:42,647 (audience laughing) 235 00:09:43,937 --> 00:09:44,854 130 pounds. 236 00:09:46,241 --> 00:09:47,702 - Who's that from? 237 00:09:47,702 --> 00:09:49,961 - It's from the new head of stationary, 238 00:09:49,961 --> 00:09:54,277 and greetings cards, at Lally and Willets. 239 00:09:54,277 --> 00:09:57,694 And he's only a young man, like yourself. 240 00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:03,232 What do you knock up here? 241 00:10:03,232 --> 00:10:04,151 - I beg your pardon? 242 00:10:04,151 --> 00:10:05,790 (audience laughing) 243 00:10:05,790 --> 00:10:07,373 - What do you earn? 244 00:10:09,298 --> 00:10:11,570 (whispering) 245 00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:13,777 (tsking) 246 00:10:13,777 --> 00:10:15,194 - What a liberty. 247 00:10:16,653 --> 00:10:21,150 Do you know what I could get you at Harrods? 248 00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:21,983 - Tell me. 249 00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,101 (whispering) 250 00:10:25,101 --> 00:10:28,042 What, just for selling things? 251 00:10:28,042 --> 00:10:31,020 - People who haven't got what you've got are getting it. 252 00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:33,417 (audience laughing) 253 00:10:33,417 --> 00:10:34,334 - Are they? 254 00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:37,681 Why aren't you getting it? 255 00:10:37,681 --> 00:10:39,608 - Because I haven't got what you've got. 256 00:10:39,608 --> 00:10:40,441 - Oh. 257 00:10:41,719 --> 00:10:43,752 (audience laughing) 258 00:10:43,752 --> 00:10:45,794 I don't really like to ask, but what is it I've got 259 00:10:45,794 --> 00:10:47,912 that nobody else has? 260 00:10:47,912 --> 00:10:51,579 - You've got charm, vitality, and personality, 261 00:10:51,579 --> 00:10:53,819 and experience, and youth. 262 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,586 - Oh, that, yes, oh, yes, I've got that. 263 00:10:56,586 --> 00:10:58,519 Well, some of it. 264 00:10:58,519 --> 00:10:59,352 - Now listen. 265 00:10:59,352 --> 00:11:00,775 Don't misunderstand me. 266 00:11:00,775 --> 00:11:02,863 I'm not just touting for business. 267 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,480 I'm not that sort of person at all. 268 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,791 - No, of course not. 269 00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:09,042 - Would you like me to make some inquiries on your behalf? 270 00:11:09,042 --> 00:11:11,091 - As my old choir master used to say, 271 00:11:11,091 --> 00:11:12,657 there's no harm in asking. 272 00:11:12,657 --> 00:11:15,018 (audience laughing) 273 00:11:15,018 --> 00:11:16,351 - Of course not. 274 00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:21,563 When did your choir master say that? 275 00:11:21,563 --> 00:11:23,527 - Shortly after he told me that I've got charm, 276 00:11:23,527 --> 00:11:26,188 vitality, personality, experience, and youth. 277 00:11:26,188 --> 00:11:29,610 (audience laughing) 278 00:11:29,610 --> 00:11:31,791 - Well, I'm sure you won't mind 279 00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:35,102 if we make our association, as it were, 280 00:11:35,102 --> 00:11:36,461 on an official basis. 281 00:11:36,461 --> 00:11:38,392 - Any time you'd like. 282 00:11:38,392 --> 00:11:41,642 - Well, if you don't mind, would you... 283 00:11:42,490 --> 00:11:43,407 Sign there. 284 00:11:46,961 --> 00:11:48,374 Thank you. 285 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:49,207 And there. 286 00:11:53,152 --> 00:11:53,985 Here. 287 00:11:57,034 --> 00:11:57,867 Here. 288 00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:00,467 Here. 289 00:12:01,918 --> 00:12:03,418 And initial there. 290 00:12:05,322 --> 00:12:07,239 And lastly, just there. 291 00:12:08,413 --> 00:12:11,113 Finally, that's it, that's it. 292 00:12:11,113 --> 00:12:13,345 Now, that covers everything. 293 00:12:13,345 --> 00:12:15,075 - Don't I get a copy? 294 00:12:15,075 --> 00:12:17,316 - No, when you signed there, 295 00:12:17,316 --> 00:12:21,149 you agreed not to have a copy of the agreement 296 00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:25,556 But, if you've any queries, just ask. 297 00:12:27,318 --> 00:12:30,575 - Mr. Goldberg, could I have a private word with you 298 00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:34,312 about that matter that we was discussing? 299 00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:37,039 - You may speak freely in front of Mr. Humphries. 300 00:12:37,039 --> 00:12:41,128 I've just undertaken his representation. 301 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,792 - Anything happening? 302 00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:45,563 - Well, I'll tell you, we've got feelers out 303 00:12:45,563 --> 00:12:49,627 at Dorothy Perkins, the head of Ladies Foundations. 304 00:12:49,627 --> 00:12:52,372 And also, a very good response for the position 305 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,289 of head fitter at ATCO. 306 00:12:55,443 --> 00:12:56,276 - ATCO? 307 00:12:57,219 --> 00:12:58,583 They make lawn mowers. 308 00:12:58,583 --> 00:13:01,185 (audience laughing) 309 00:13:01,185 --> 00:13:03,575 - Are they in underwear, as well? 310 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,989 - No, they make lawn mowers. 311 00:13:05,989 --> 00:13:07,499 But the money's very good. 312 00:13:07,499 --> 00:13:09,899 - Oh, I don't think I could do a mechanical job. 313 00:13:09,899 --> 00:13:12,271 One has one's standards, you know? 314 00:13:12,271 --> 00:13:14,203 - It's 200 pounds a week. 315 00:13:14,203 --> 00:13:15,810 - Motor mowers, or push-a-longs? 316 00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:18,106 (audience laughing) 317 00:13:18,106 --> 00:13:20,418 - I bought you a chocolate bitty, Mr. Goldberg. 318 00:13:20,418 --> 00:13:22,516 - [Mr. Goldberg] Oh, thank you, Miss Brahms. 319 00:13:22,516 --> 00:13:24,838 - Now, is there any news? 320 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:27,860 - I've sent out all your photos with a description 321 00:13:27,860 --> 00:13:30,442 of your experience to date. 322 00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:34,275 The only reply so far is a firm offer in beds. 323 00:13:35,863 --> 00:13:37,363 300 pounds a week. 324 00:13:38,644 --> 00:13:39,800 I turned it down. 325 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:40,985 - What for? 326 00:13:40,985 --> 00:13:42,589 - Well, the beds was in Cairo, 327 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,089 and you was on sale or return. 328 00:13:45,977 --> 00:13:48,395 - Is Mr. Golbdberg looking out for your interest, Mr. Lucas? 329 00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:51,327 - Oh, yeah, I'm having your job when you've gone. 330 00:13:51,327 --> 00:13:52,938 - I should have thought a young man like you 331 00:13:52,938 --> 00:13:55,471 would have set your sights on something higher. 332 00:13:55,471 --> 00:13:56,304 - Oh, I have. 333 00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:57,347 When I tell them who's nicking all the staff 334 00:13:57,347 --> 00:14:00,681 from Grace Brothers, I'll have Mr. Goldberg's job, as well. 335 00:14:00,681 --> 00:14:02,725 - More hot coffee, Mr. Goldberg? 336 00:14:02,725 --> 00:14:05,403 - Oh, thank you, Diana. 337 00:14:05,403 --> 00:14:07,941 Right up to the chip. 338 00:14:07,941 --> 00:14:09,772 - Thanks to you, I start as the Head Tosser 339 00:14:09,772 --> 00:14:13,814 at the Gay Hoosaw Pancake House on Monday. 340 00:14:13,814 --> 00:14:16,249 - You never told me that was going. 341 00:14:16,249 --> 00:14:17,853 - Oh, and there's a phone call for you. 342 00:14:17,853 --> 00:14:19,482 - Oh, thank you, darling. - Don't get up. 343 00:14:19,482 --> 00:14:21,269 - Mandra's bringing it to you, sir. 344 00:14:21,269 --> 00:14:22,275 - Thank you, thank you. 345 00:14:22,275 --> 00:14:24,501 - It's the personnel department of Lally and Willets. 346 00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:25,334 - Oh, thank you, darling. 347 00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:27,398 - And thank you for getting me this job. 348 00:14:27,398 --> 00:14:28,796 - Yeah, it's all right. 349 00:14:28,796 --> 00:14:32,285 - You're a busy little bee, aren't you? 350 00:14:32,285 --> 00:14:33,706 - Hello? 351 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,750 Mac Fifty's Employment Agency here. 352 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,583 Mr. Goldberg speaking. 353 00:14:39,737 --> 00:14:41,137 Oh, hello, Syd. 354 00:14:41,137 --> 00:14:45,054 Now, have you got anything about Mrs. Slocombe? 355 00:14:46,130 --> 00:14:48,271 Oh, you like the sound of Mrs. Slocombe? 356 00:14:48,271 --> 00:14:50,013 So far, good. 357 00:14:50,013 --> 00:14:51,321 - I like the sound of Mrs. Slocombe. 358 00:14:51,321 --> 00:14:52,987 It's the sight of Mrs. Slocombe that's the problem. 359 00:14:52,987 --> 00:14:55,777 (audience laughing) 360 00:14:55,777 --> 00:14:57,702 - I tell you, I tell you, Syd, 361 00:14:57,702 --> 00:15:00,834 she's a very beautiful lady. 362 00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:01,667 Her age? 363 00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,011 - 30ish. 364 00:15:06,011 --> 00:15:08,251 (audience laughing) 365 00:15:08,251 --> 00:15:11,085 - Look, it's a senior position, Mrs. Slocombe. 366 00:15:11,085 --> 00:15:12,827 They want someone older than that. 367 00:15:12,827 --> 00:15:15,577 - Well, tell a lie and say 40ish. 368 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:17,336 - What? 369 00:15:17,336 --> 00:15:20,146 Oh, they want someone who's 50ish. 370 00:15:20,146 --> 00:15:21,952 - Well, go on, now's your chance to tell the truth. 371 00:15:21,952 --> 00:15:24,467 (audience laughing) 372 00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:27,230 - Look, I wouldn't lie to you, Syd. 373 00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:28,730 She'd pass for 50. 374 00:15:30,628 --> 00:15:32,378 What's her what like? 375 00:15:36,623 --> 00:15:37,456 Uh, big. 376 00:15:39,469 --> 00:15:41,636 In fact, very big, indeed. 377 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,988 - Mr. Goldberg, what are you talking about? 378 00:15:44,988 --> 00:15:47,405 - Personality, Mrs. Slocombe. 379 00:15:48,292 --> 00:15:52,649 No, she will not take less than 125, sorry. 380 00:15:52,649 --> 00:15:55,205 So, the ball's in your court. 381 00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:59,372 Oh, Syd, I've just taken on a new client, a Mr. Humphries. 382 00:16:00,675 --> 00:16:02,925 I'm very excited about him. 383 00:16:03,923 --> 00:16:05,662 (audience laughing) 384 00:16:05,662 --> 00:16:08,579 Oh, Syd, he's right up your street. 385 00:16:09,805 --> 00:16:13,972 He has charm, vitality, personality, experience, he's got. 386 00:16:16,413 --> 00:16:18,413 - And youth. - And youth. 387 00:16:20,784 --> 00:16:22,843 - Is he a what? 388 00:16:22,843 --> 00:16:25,093 (laughing) 389 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,917 Well, I don't know, I mean... 390 00:16:30,778 --> 00:16:33,028 Well, uh, I don't think so. 391 00:16:34,407 --> 00:16:35,657 I mean, he's... 392 00:16:36,613 --> 00:16:37,780 Mr. Humphries? 393 00:16:38,779 --> 00:16:41,717 You're not a militant trade unionist, are you? 394 00:16:41,717 --> 00:16:42,645 - With suede shoes? 395 00:16:42,645 --> 00:16:45,350 I'd be laughed off the platform. 396 00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:46,762 - No, that's all right. 397 00:16:46,762 --> 00:16:49,295 Well, if anything comes up, let me know. 398 00:16:49,295 --> 00:16:50,837 Thank you. 399 00:16:50,837 --> 00:16:53,187 So, I've sown the seed. 400 00:16:53,187 --> 00:16:55,687 All we have to do now is wait. 401 00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:58,998 It's time we were getting back. 402 00:16:58,998 --> 00:17:00,778 - That's a nice watch, Mr. Goldberg. 403 00:17:00,778 --> 00:17:02,705 - Yeah, 18 carat. 404 00:17:02,705 --> 00:17:05,756 It was given to me by a very satisfied client. 405 00:17:05,756 --> 00:17:08,367 - Oh, it's got an inscription on it. 406 00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:11,806 "Thanks for everything, I couldn't have done it without you. 407 00:17:11,806 --> 00:17:13,713 "Love, Maggie." 408 00:17:13,713 --> 00:17:16,713 (audience laughing) 409 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,896 (cash register ringing) 410 00:17:20,896 --> 00:17:23,557 (audience applauding) 411 00:17:23,557 --> 00:17:24,916 - Here's your letters, Mr. Grace. 412 00:17:24,916 --> 00:17:25,916 - Thank you. 413 00:17:28,059 --> 00:17:29,314 I haven't got me glasses. 414 00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:32,174 - Oh, oh, well, should I guide your hand, then? 415 00:17:32,174 --> 00:17:34,213 - Yes, you're very good at that, aren't you? 416 00:17:34,213 --> 00:17:36,941 (audience laughing) 417 00:17:36,941 --> 00:17:38,365 - Here we are. 418 00:17:38,365 --> 00:17:40,698 Now, G-R-A-C-- 419 00:17:44,091 --> 00:17:46,677 - You don't have to spell it. 420 00:17:46,677 --> 00:17:48,142 - Your new spectacles have arrived 421 00:17:48,142 --> 00:17:49,883 from the optician, Mr. Grace. 422 00:17:49,883 --> 00:17:53,332 I thought you might like to see if they're okay. 423 00:17:53,332 --> 00:17:54,332 Here we are. 424 00:17:56,806 --> 00:18:00,304 (audience laughing) 425 00:18:00,304 --> 00:18:03,433 - Oh, yes, they're a great improvement. 426 00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:07,387 - And these are your new reading glasses. 427 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:08,220 There. 428 00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,153 Here's the mirror. 429 00:18:15,849 --> 00:18:18,241 - We're not having an earthquake or anything, are we? 430 00:18:18,241 --> 00:18:20,067 (audience laughing) 431 00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:20,900 - No, sir. 432 00:18:23,105 --> 00:18:24,646 - Oh, I don't like those. 433 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,496 They make me look like an old poof. 434 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,251 (audience laughing) 435 00:18:28,251 --> 00:18:31,985 - No, they don't, they make you look like Elton John. 436 00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:34,105 - That's no comfort. 437 00:18:34,105 --> 00:18:35,240 - Pay attention, Mr. Grace. 438 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,537 I want to see how much you can read. 439 00:18:37,537 --> 00:18:38,370 - A. 440 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,513 The rest in Polish? 441 00:18:41,513 --> 00:18:44,513 (audience laughing) 442 00:18:46,438 --> 00:18:47,271 Sydney 443 00:18:49,034 --> 00:18:49,867 Bernecco. 444 00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:54,539 - Do concentrate, Mr. Grace. 445 00:18:54,539 --> 00:18:57,456 Now what does it say on the bottom? 446 00:18:58,519 --> 00:19:01,742 (audience laughing) 447 00:19:01,742 --> 00:19:04,492 - Wash by hand in lukewarm water. 448 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,753 - Shall we come back later, sir? 449 00:19:09,753 --> 00:19:12,336 - No, no, no, come on, come in. 450 00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:17,175 - Can we have a word privately, sir? 451 00:19:17,175 --> 00:19:18,978 - Well, now, I've had a good look at that. 452 00:19:18,978 --> 00:19:21,119 (audience laughing) 453 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,978 - Well, it's like this, sir. 454 00:19:22,978 --> 00:19:26,319 During the past week, Captain Peacock has become aware 455 00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:28,332 that a certain member of staff 456 00:19:28,332 --> 00:19:31,836 has been making certain phone calls to a certain store 457 00:19:31,836 --> 00:19:33,960 about certain other members of staff. 458 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,775 As a result of which, we are fairly certain 459 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:40,316 that certain members of the staff may soon be leaving us. 460 00:19:40,316 --> 00:19:41,290 Mr. Grace? 461 00:19:41,290 --> 00:19:42,828 (audience laughing) 462 00:19:42,828 --> 00:19:44,260 Mr. Grace? 463 00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:45,840 He's gone to sleep. 464 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,107 - I'm not surprised. 465 00:19:47,107 --> 00:19:48,587 (audience laughing) 466 00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:51,078 - Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace? 467 00:19:51,078 --> 00:19:52,678 Oh, what do we do now? 468 00:19:52,678 --> 00:19:56,117 - When he drops off like that, he's gone for an hour. 469 00:19:56,117 --> 00:19:57,836 - I'll do it for you, sir. 470 00:19:57,836 --> 00:20:00,251 Oh, drat, my suspender's gone again. 471 00:20:00,251 --> 00:20:01,127 - What was that? 472 00:20:01,127 --> 00:20:02,825 (audience laughing) 473 00:20:02,825 --> 00:20:05,831 - Sir, we fear that Mr. Humphries 474 00:20:05,831 --> 00:20:08,302 has been suborned by Mr. Goldberg. 475 00:20:08,302 --> 00:20:10,176 - Well, he's been asking for it, hasn't he? 476 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,569 (audience laughing) 477 00:20:11,569 --> 00:20:13,878 - No, sir, what do you want us to do about it? 478 00:20:13,878 --> 00:20:17,045 - Well, uh, you deal with it, Rumbold. 479 00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:22,317 - The ball seems to have lodged itself firmly 480 00:20:22,317 --> 00:20:24,050 in your court, Mr. Rumbold. 481 00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:26,207 - Yes, bit of a face, though, isn't it? 482 00:20:26,207 --> 00:20:28,420 - It's one of the penalties of being an executive, sir. 483 00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:29,657 - Yes. (laughing) 484 00:20:29,657 --> 00:20:31,325 What would you do in my position? 485 00:20:31,325 --> 00:20:34,579 - Well, I'd consider it from Mr. Grace's standpoint. 486 00:20:34,579 --> 00:20:36,447 He has three courses open to him. 487 00:20:36,447 --> 00:20:39,748 Sack them, wait for them to resign, or pay them more money. 488 00:20:39,748 --> 00:20:40,864 - Oh, I wouldn't do that. 489 00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:44,308 (audience laughing) 490 00:20:44,308 --> 00:20:45,746 - Now, there is one alterative 491 00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:46,990 you haven't thought of, Peacock. 492 00:20:46,990 --> 00:20:48,096 - Yes, sir? 493 00:20:48,096 --> 00:20:52,912 - If I hold my horses and do nothing, it may all blow over. 494 00:20:52,912 --> 00:20:54,248 - If I may say so, sir, 495 00:20:54,248 --> 00:20:56,069 it takes an executive of your caliber 496 00:20:56,069 --> 00:20:58,497 to think of a solution like that. 497 00:20:58,497 --> 00:20:59,966 - Thank you, Peacock. 498 00:20:59,966 --> 00:21:03,094 (cash register ringing) 499 00:21:03,094 --> 00:21:05,001 - Oh, excellent. 500 00:21:05,001 --> 00:21:08,350 Thank you very much, thank you. 501 00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:11,183 It's fixed. - What's happened? 502 00:21:11,183 --> 00:21:14,390 (telephone ringing) 503 00:21:14,390 --> 00:21:15,639 - Ladies wear. 504 00:21:15,639 --> 00:21:18,066 - Could I speak to Mrs. Slocombe, please? 505 00:21:18,066 --> 00:21:19,268 - Whom's calling? 506 00:21:19,268 --> 00:21:21,544 - Mac Fifty Agency here. 507 00:21:21,544 --> 00:21:24,794 - Oh, here, your agent's on the blower. 508 00:21:25,835 --> 00:21:28,751 - Thank you, Miss Brahms. 509 00:21:28,751 --> 00:21:30,593 Mrs. Slocombe. 510 00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:32,438 - It's fixed. 511 00:21:32,438 --> 00:21:34,559 - It's fixed, me new job! 512 00:21:34,559 --> 00:21:35,603 What is it? 513 00:21:35,603 --> 00:21:38,024 - Would you come to my office immediately, please? 514 00:21:38,024 --> 00:21:40,523 - Of course, Mr. Goldberg. 515 00:21:40,523 --> 00:21:41,900 - Now, do you mind telling me what's going on? 516 00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:44,282 'Cause I can't stand secrets, can I, Mr. Lucas? 517 00:21:44,282 --> 00:21:45,339 - No, you can't, Mr. Humphries, 518 00:21:45,339 --> 00:21:47,302 that's why you didn't become a Freemason, isn't it? 519 00:21:47,302 --> 00:21:48,768 (audience laughing) 520 00:21:48,768 --> 00:21:50,035 - Well, one of the reasons. 521 00:21:50,035 --> 00:21:52,373 - I'll put you both in the picture. 522 00:21:52,373 --> 00:21:55,299 You're both going to Lally and Willets. 523 00:21:55,299 --> 00:21:57,845 - Oh, isn't that exciting? 524 00:21:57,845 --> 00:22:02,539 - And you, Mr. Humphries, are to be the new manager 525 00:22:02,539 --> 00:22:05,787 of the unisex clothing department. 526 00:22:05,787 --> 00:22:07,568 - That should confuse you, Mr. Humphries. 527 00:22:07,568 --> 00:22:09,415 (audience laughing) 528 00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:11,672 - It will, Mr. Lucas. 529 00:22:11,672 --> 00:22:14,633 - And you, Mrs. Slocombe, are to take charge 530 00:22:14,633 --> 00:22:17,238 of the Pussy Shampoo Parlor. 531 00:22:17,238 --> 00:22:20,127 (audience laughing) 532 00:22:20,127 --> 00:22:21,876 - I'll be in seventh heaven. 533 00:22:21,876 --> 00:22:24,378 - It could be the highlight of your career, Mrs. Slocombe. 534 00:22:24,378 --> 00:22:25,712 Head moggy washer. 535 00:22:25,712 --> 00:22:27,719 (audience laughing) 536 00:22:27,719 --> 00:22:32,316 - And your salary will be (whispering). 537 00:22:32,316 --> 00:22:33,363 - No! 538 00:22:33,363 --> 00:22:34,863 - What about mine? 539 00:22:36,429 --> 00:22:38,600 A month? - No, a week. 540 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,260 - (gasping) Madam, we better resign. 541 00:22:40,260 --> 00:22:42,348 - The better the day, the better the deed. 542 00:22:42,348 --> 00:22:44,470 - No, no, no, hold it, hold it. 543 00:22:44,470 --> 00:22:47,240 You're forgetting the severance pay. 544 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,573 If you resign now, it'll be trivial. 545 00:22:50,573 --> 00:22:53,362 No, you've got to make them sack you, 546 00:22:53,362 --> 00:22:57,036 then we can take them to the Industrial Tribunal 547 00:22:57,036 --> 00:22:59,697 for wrongful dismissal. 548 00:22:59,697 --> 00:23:02,434 Then we make a settlement. 549 00:23:02,434 --> 00:23:03,267 - We? 550 00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:06,100 - Clause 10. 551 00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:07,966 - Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms. 552 00:23:07,966 --> 00:23:10,215 Would you please return to your counter? 553 00:23:10,215 --> 00:23:11,667 Can't you see that Mrs. Maxwell is there, 554 00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:13,695 and she's the wife of one of our directors. 555 00:23:13,695 --> 00:23:15,221 - So she is. 556 00:23:15,221 --> 00:23:19,901 Well, I promise you, she will get the service she deserves. 557 00:23:19,901 --> 00:23:20,734 - If you want a sack, 558 00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:22,605 all you gotta do is be rude to Captain Peacock. 559 00:23:22,605 --> 00:23:24,302 - What a good idea. 560 00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:27,219 - Mr. Humphries, tidy that counter. 561 00:23:29,079 --> 00:23:32,728 (audience laughing) 562 00:23:32,728 --> 00:23:33,561 - There's just one thing 563 00:23:33,561 --> 00:23:35,338 I want you to know, Captain Peacock. 564 00:23:35,338 --> 00:23:37,145 - And what is that, Mr. Humphries? 565 00:23:37,145 --> 00:23:38,625 - I'm just going to tidy my counter. 566 00:23:38,625 --> 00:23:41,551 (audience laughing) 567 00:23:41,551 --> 00:23:43,269 - Here we go. 568 00:23:43,269 --> 00:23:45,573 Were you requiring assistance, madam? 569 00:23:45,573 --> 00:23:48,600 - Oh, yes, I just bought that skirt back. 570 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:53,051 When you get it in daylight, the color is absolutely foul. 571 00:23:53,051 --> 00:23:57,218 It's far too expensive, and it rides up when I sit down. 572 00:23:58,397 --> 00:24:01,852 - Well, the color goes with your blotchy complexion. 573 00:24:01,852 --> 00:24:03,954 (audience laughing) 574 00:24:03,954 --> 00:24:07,196 And it's too expensive because you're a mean old bag. 575 00:24:07,196 --> 00:24:10,053 (audience laughing) 576 00:24:10,053 --> 00:24:12,091 And it rides up when you sit down 577 00:24:12,091 --> 00:24:15,140 because you've got a great, big, fat bum. 578 00:24:15,140 --> 00:24:16,845 (audience laughing) 579 00:24:16,845 --> 00:24:20,012 (audience applauding) 580 00:24:21,211 --> 00:24:22,292 - Do you mean to say, Mrs. Slocombe, 581 00:24:22,292 --> 00:24:24,572 that you don't deny any of these words? 582 00:24:24,572 --> 00:24:26,165 - Not one syllable. 583 00:24:26,165 --> 00:24:28,468 - She said it all, and that's the truth. 584 00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:30,332 - Thank you, Miss Brahms. 585 00:24:30,332 --> 00:24:31,669 - Extraordinary. 586 00:24:31,669 --> 00:24:34,612 Well, we will now pass on to Mr. Humphries. 587 00:24:34,612 --> 00:24:36,313 According to Captain Peacock, you served 588 00:24:36,313 --> 00:24:39,720 the Honorable Lavinia Effingham Foxworth, 589 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,610 two small F's, 590 00:24:41,610 --> 00:24:45,973 who is also one of our most important customers. 591 00:24:45,973 --> 00:24:48,203 - That's right, Mr. Rumbold. 592 00:24:48,203 --> 00:24:50,846 - I will now ask Captain Peacock to repeat the remarks 593 00:24:50,846 --> 00:24:53,219 he overheard you make to her. 594 00:24:53,219 --> 00:24:54,501 - On approaching the customer, 595 00:24:54,501 --> 00:24:56,409 Mr. Humphries was heard to say, 596 00:24:56,409 --> 00:24:59,918 "Hello, dolly, baby, you've got the best pair of boobs 597 00:24:59,918 --> 00:25:00,751 "I've seen since 598 00:25:00,751 --> 00:25:05,682 "The Confessions of Swedish Emmanuel's Window Cleaner." 599 00:25:05,682 --> 00:25:07,230 - Did you say those words? 600 00:25:07,230 --> 00:25:08,804 - I did, Mr. Rumbold. - I heard him. 601 00:25:08,804 --> 00:25:10,445 - Everything Captain Peacock says is true. 602 00:25:10,445 --> 00:25:12,323 And he winked, as well. 603 00:25:12,323 --> 00:25:14,276 - I did, like that. 604 00:25:14,276 --> 00:25:16,715 (audience laughing) 605 00:25:16,715 --> 00:25:19,776 - Mr. Humphries, I'm surprised you even saw such a film. 606 00:25:19,776 --> 00:25:21,761 - I was under therapy at the time. 607 00:25:21,761 --> 00:25:25,658 - Yes, um, he then said, "How about meeting me in the park 608 00:25:25,658 --> 00:25:29,743 "behind the bandstand, and we'll pitch a little woo." 609 00:25:29,743 --> 00:25:31,306 - Pitch a little woo? 610 00:25:31,306 --> 00:25:33,292 But what film did that come from? 611 00:25:33,292 --> 00:25:35,375 - "Gold Diggers of 1938." 612 00:25:36,823 --> 00:25:39,762 - This is the most extraordinary set of circumstances. 613 00:25:39,762 --> 00:25:41,429 - Are you going to sack us? 614 00:25:41,429 --> 00:25:43,954 - In your case, Mrs. Slocombe, I have a letter here 615 00:25:43,954 --> 00:25:46,224 from Mrs. Maxwell, who, as you probably know, 616 00:25:46,224 --> 00:25:48,807 is a leading member of Morning Glory, 617 00:25:48,807 --> 00:25:50,192 a religious sect that requires 618 00:25:50,192 --> 00:25:52,426 of its followers absolute honesty. 619 00:25:52,426 --> 00:25:55,098 You, apparently, are the first truly honest person 620 00:25:55,098 --> 00:25:57,002 she's ever met, as a result of which, 621 00:25:57,002 --> 00:25:59,662 she's sent you these two tickets for their next meeting. 622 00:25:59,662 --> 00:26:01,908 (audience laughing) 623 00:26:01,908 --> 00:26:02,784 - You've got to sack me. 624 00:26:02,784 --> 00:26:04,377 I mean, you can't have people walking about 625 00:26:04,377 --> 00:26:05,989 saying the things I said. 626 00:26:05,989 --> 00:26:06,822 - What do you mean? 627 00:26:06,822 --> 00:26:08,876 I've been doing it for years. 628 00:26:08,876 --> 00:26:11,973 - But, it would be rather difficult, Mr. Humphries, 629 00:26:11,973 --> 00:26:14,877 in view of this note from the lady in question. 630 00:26:14,877 --> 00:26:17,901 "Tell Humphries 5:30 behind the bandstand, 631 00:26:17,901 --> 00:26:19,909 "and I'll take all the woo he can pitch." 632 00:26:19,909 --> 00:26:21,516 (audience laughing) 633 00:26:21,516 --> 00:26:24,849 (cash register ringing) 634 00:26:26,258 --> 00:26:28,741 - Well, I'm sorry, Syd, 635 00:26:28,741 --> 00:26:31,127 but Grace Brothers here got wind of your offer. 636 00:26:31,127 --> 00:26:32,814 With the result, they gave new contract 637 00:26:32,814 --> 00:26:35,917 for Mrs. Slocombe and Mr. Humphries. 638 00:26:35,917 --> 00:26:37,794 Yeah, well I got a bit of a rocket 639 00:26:37,794 --> 00:26:40,602 from the management here for being behind it all. 640 00:26:40,602 --> 00:26:44,024 But, I had a chat with them, and made them see sense. 641 00:26:44,024 --> 00:26:48,099 Oh, by the way, have you got anything for an ex-army captain 642 00:26:48,099 --> 00:26:51,714 and a chief executive with big ears? 643 00:26:51,714 --> 00:26:54,302 Well, let me know, thank you. 644 00:26:54,302 --> 00:26:56,052 (telephone clattering) 645 00:26:56,052 --> 00:26:57,802 Well, did you sign the contract? 646 00:26:57,802 --> 00:27:01,080 - Not only that, we've got our new wage packets. 647 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:05,163 - 50% raise. - Good, I'll have those. 648 00:27:05,163 --> 00:27:06,428 - What do you mean? 649 00:27:06,428 --> 00:27:08,279 - Well, that was the arrangement. 650 00:27:08,279 --> 00:27:12,446 According to the contract, the first week's wages I get. 651 00:27:13,863 --> 00:27:18,030 There you are, it's on page four, there it is, PJ. 652 00:27:19,358 --> 00:27:21,428 It says, in the contract. 653 00:27:21,428 --> 00:27:22,626 - I'll deal with that. 654 00:27:22,626 --> 00:27:25,768 (paper tearing) 655 00:27:25,768 --> 00:27:26,929 - What are you, what are you doing? 656 00:27:26,929 --> 00:27:27,894 You can't do that. 657 00:27:27,894 --> 00:27:29,558 - Sue us. 658 00:27:29,558 --> 00:27:31,353 (audience laughing) 659 00:27:31,353 --> 00:27:34,520 (audience applauding) 660 00:27:37,595 --> 00:27:40,254 - Look at that, that's typical, isn't it? 661 00:27:40,254 --> 00:27:42,126 - Yes, you try to do a good deal for them, 662 00:27:42,126 --> 00:27:43,933 and they swindle you, don't they, Mr. Goldberg? 663 00:27:43,933 --> 00:27:46,165 - They do, Mr. Lucas. 664 00:27:46,165 --> 00:27:47,416 - Shall we go to have a drink 665 00:27:47,416 --> 00:27:49,386 to celebrate before we go home? 666 00:27:49,386 --> 00:27:50,555 - I'd love to, Mrs. Slocombe. 667 00:27:50,555 --> 00:27:52,192 But I've got to rush off. 668 00:27:52,192 --> 00:27:56,077 I've got an appointment at half past 5:00. 669 00:27:56,077 --> 00:27:57,884 - Behind the bandstand? 670 00:27:57,884 --> 00:28:00,825 - Mrs. Slocombe, I don't pitch my woo in public. 671 00:28:00,825 --> 00:28:02,719 (audience laughing) 672 00:28:02,719 --> 00:28:05,886 (audience applauding) 673 00:28:07,711 --> 00:28:08,544 ♫ Ground floor 674 00:28:08,544 --> 00:28:10,458 ♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods 675 00:28:10,458 --> 00:28:13,102 ♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food 676 00:28:13,102 --> 00:28:15,352 ♫ Going up 677 00:28:19,157 --> 00:28:19,990 ♫ First floor 678 00:28:19,990 --> 00:28:22,734 ♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, socks 679 00:28:22,734 --> 00:28:24,685 ♫ Ties, hats, underwear, and shoes 680 00:28:24,685 --> 00:28:26,935 ♫ Going up 681 00:28:30,742 --> 00:28:31,575 ♫ Second floor 682 00:28:31,575 --> 00:28:34,292 ♫ Carpets, travel goods, and bedding, materials, 683 00:28:34,292 --> 00:28:36,458 ♫ Soft furnishings, restaurants, and food 684 00:28:36,458 --> 00:28:38,875 ♫ Going down 685 00:28:42,336 --> 00:28:43,169 ♫ First floor 686 00:28:43,169 --> 00:28:45,874 ♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, socks 687 00:28:45,874 --> 00:28:47,850 ♫ Ties, hats, underwear, and shoes 688 00:28:47,850 --> 00:28:50,848 ♫ Going up 689 00:28:50,848 --> 00:28:54,015 (audience applauding)