1
00:00:00,450 --> 00:00:04,533
(rhythmic cash register dinging)

2
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:08,872
♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

3
00:00:08,872 --> 00:00:13,039
♫ Wigs and haberdahsery,
kitchenware, and food, going up

4
00:00:17,978 --> 00:00:20,642
♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits

5
00:00:20,642 --> 00:00:24,809
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear, and shoes, going up

6
00:00:25,788 --> 00:00:27,758
- Good morning, sir.

7
00:00:27,758 --> 00:00:29,401
Are you being served,
or are you just looking?

8
00:00:29,401 --> 00:00:31,262
- I am looking for someone to serve me.

9
00:00:31,262 --> 00:00:33,060
- Ah, well, in that case, I'm free.

10
00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:33,893
What's it to be?

11
00:00:33,893 --> 00:00:35,365
Jacket, trousers, or a new wooly pully?

12
00:00:35,365 --> 00:00:36,734
- I bought these socks last week,

13
00:00:36,734 --> 00:00:39,422
and they've only been
washed once, and look.

14
00:00:39,422 --> 00:00:40,875
(audience laughs)

15
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:43,708
They're supposed to be non-shrink.

16
00:00:45,038 --> 00:00:45,871
- Ah, yes.

17
00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:48,290
I see what the trouble is, sir.

18
00:00:48,290 --> 00:00:50,137
They're pure wool, you see.

19
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,486
Now very often pure wool socks

20
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:52,731
are made from two different herds.

21
00:00:52,731 --> 00:00:53,906
I mean, you might get one herd

22
00:00:53,906 --> 00:00:55,224
come from the Shetlands,
the other down in Cornwall.

23
00:00:55,224 --> 00:00:56,832
(audience laughs)

24
00:00:56,832 --> 00:00:58,165
Now the Shetland lot won't shrink

25
00:00:58,165 --> 00:00:59,954
because they're standing
in the rain all day.

26
00:00:59,954 --> 00:01:00,787
(audience laughs)

27
00:01:00,787 --> 00:01:01,944
So this must be the Cornish sock,

28
00:01:01,944 --> 00:01:03,266
and that's the Shetland one.

29
00:01:03,266 --> 00:01:04,213
(audience laughs)

30
00:01:04,213 --> 00:01:05,472
- Well, what are you gonna do about it?

31
00:01:05,472 --> 00:01:06,996
- I shall get in touch
with the Cornish farmer

32
00:01:06,996 --> 00:01:08,414
and get his sheep sent up to Shetland.

33
00:01:08,414 --> 00:01:09,409
(audience laughs)

34
00:01:09,409 --> 00:01:11,496
- I want my money back.

35
00:01:11,496 --> 00:01:12,329
- Yes.

36
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,354
Mr. Humphries, are you free?

37
00:01:14,354 --> 00:01:15,614
- I am free.

38
00:01:15,614 --> 00:01:16,898
(audience laughs)

39
00:01:16,898 --> 00:01:18,146
- This gentleman wants his money back

40
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:19,596
on account of the fact that his socks

41
00:01:19,596 --> 00:01:20,904
have shrunk in the wash.

42
00:01:20,904 --> 00:01:21,737
- I see.

43
00:01:21,737 --> 00:01:22,570
Did you wash them yourself, sir,

44
00:01:22,570 --> 00:01:23,435
or did your wife wash them?

45
00:01:23,435 --> 00:01:24,853
- I live alone.

46
00:01:24,853 --> 00:01:25,991
- Oh, I see.

47
00:01:25,991 --> 00:01:28,069
(audience laughs)

48
00:01:28,069 --> 00:01:29,116
What did you wash them in?

49
00:01:29,116 --> 00:01:30,299
- In the bath.

50
00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:31,234
(audience laughs)

51
00:01:31,234 --> 00:01:33,262
- Yes, I mean what did
you use to wash them with?

52
00:01:33,262 --> 00:01:34,395
- Well, water.

53
00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:36,866
(Humphries laughs)

54
00:01:36,866 --> 00:01:38,414
- You can go to coffee
if you like, Mr. Lucas,

55
00:01:38,414 --> 00:01:40,649
this is going to take some time.

56
00:01:40,649 --> 00:01:41,641
- It's okay.

57
00:01:41,641 --> 00:01:44,546
This case has my full attention.

58
00:01:44,546 --> 00:01:45,674
- Was it hot water, sir?

59
00:01:45,674 --> 00:01:46,734
- Well, of course it was.

60
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:49,575
- (laughs) Well, you see,
it should have been luke.

61
00:01:49,575 --> 00:01:51,787
It says so on the instructions, "luke."

62
00:01:51,787 --> 00:01:53,227
(audience laughs)

63
00:01:53,227 --> 00:01:54,060
- I can't read that.

64
00:01:54,060 --> 00:01:55,061
It's too small.

65
00:01:55,061 --> 00:01:56,213
- Of course it is, it shrunk.

66
00:01:56,213 --> 00:01:57,662
(audience laughs)

67
00:01:57,662 --> 00:01:59,006
- I want my money back.

68
00:01:59,006 --> 00:02:00,675
- Yes, well, our senior
assistant, Mr. Goldberg,

69
00:02:00,675 --> 00:02:01,982
will have to make that decision.

70
00:02:01,982 --> 00:02:03,723
Mr. Goldberg, are you free?

71
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:06,494
- At the moment, Mr. Humphries, yes.

72
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,150
- This customer of Mr. Lucas has failed

73
00:02:08,150 --> 00:02:10,805
to follow the washing
instructions on the sock,

74
00:02:10,805 --> 00:02:12,773
and it shrunk, and he
would like his money back.

75
00:02:12,773 --> 00:02:14,451
What is your decision, Mr. Goldberg?

76
00:02:14,451 --> 00:02:17,102
Mr. Goldberg always makes these decisions.

77
00:02:17,102 --> 00:02:19,972
- We must give the customer
his money back, Mr. Humphries.

78
00:02:19,972 --> 00:02:20,921
- Gladly, Mr. Goldberg.

79
00:02:20,921 --> 00:02:21,908
- On one sock.

80
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,706
(audience laughs)

81
00:02:23,706 --> 00:02:25,112
- And if you're not
satisfied with the goods,

82
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,408
bring them back with the receipt

83
00:02:26,408 --> 00:02:28,725
and ask for your money back.

84
00:02:28,725 --> 00:02:30,416
You won't get it, but you can ask for it.

85
00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:32,152
(audience laughs)

86
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,013
Now, what's this big
news you had to tell me?

87
00:02:35,013 --> 00:02:37,950
- Today is a very special day.

88
00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:39,845
- And what's so special about today?

89
00:02:39,845 --> 00:02:42,498
- Today's the day my pussy comes of age.

90
00:02:42,498 --> 00:02:43,331
(audience laughs)

91
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:46,686
- Oh, you mean it's 21 years
since you first had it?

92
00:02:46,686 --> 00:02:47,519
- No.

93
00:02:47,519 --> 00:02:50,489
(audience laughs)

94
00:02:50,489 --> 00:02:52,986
It's three years since I first had her.

95
00:02:52,986 --> 00:02:57,582
You see, in cat life,
one year counts as seven,

96
00:02:57,582 --> 00:03:00,594
so that means she's 21 today.

97
00:03:00,594 --> 00:03:03,173
- Oh, are you going to give
her the key of the door?

98
00:03:03,173 --> 00:03:05,477
- No, anyway, she doesn't need it.

99
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,026
She's got a little flap.

100
00:03:07,026 --> 00:03:09,534
(audience laughs)

101
00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:11,058
Do you want to see what I've got for her?

102
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,270
- Oh, yeah.

103
00:03:12,270 --> 00:03:15,603
- Well, a leg of southern-fried chicken.

104
00:03:17,678 --> 00:03:20,837
And a mink collar with a little bell.

105
00:03:20,837 --> 00:03:22,622
- (gasps) Is that real mink?

106
00:03:22,622 --> 00:03:25,301
- Oh, of course, I wouldn't
give her imitation.

107
00:03:25,301 --> 00:03:27,461
That's made of cat.

108
00:03:27,461 --> 00:03:29,822
(audience laughs)

109
00:03:29,822 --> 00:03:32,761
And a record of Lena Zavaroni.

110
00:03:32,761 --> 00:03:35,269
- Ooh, is that her favorite?

111
00:03:35,269 --> 00:03:36,709
- No, but it's the only way I can

112
00:03:36,709 --> 00:03:38,677
get her to go out when it's raining.

113
00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:41,582
(audience laughs)

114
00:03:41,582 --> 00:03:45,749
And something she's been
looking forward to for ages.

115
00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:48,338
A clockwork mouse.

116
00:03:48,338 --> 00:03:50,437
- Ooh, let's see it go!

117
00:03:50,437 --> 00:03:52,155
- Well, where's Captain Peacock?

118
00:03:52,155 --> 00:03:53,737
- Oh, he's not here yet.

119
00:03:53,737 --> 00:03:54,570
- Alright.

120
00:03:58,309 --> 00:04:01,963
(laughs) Look, it's sweet.

121
00:04:01,963 --> 00:04:02,910
Oh!

122
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,075
Oh, dash.

123
00:04:04,075 --> 00:04:05,323
Oh, where's it gone?

124
00:04:05,323 --> 00:04:06,402
- I can't see it.

125
00:04:06,402 --> 00:04:08,299
- Well, listen, and we might be able

126
00:04:08,299 --> 00:04:09,906
to hear the clockwork.

127
00:04:09,906 --> 00:04:11,886
- Ooh, it's like Peter
Pan and the crocodile.

128
00:04:11,886 --> 00:04:13,024
(audience laughs)

129
00:04:13,024 --> 00:04:14,443
- Just shh!

130
00:04:14,443 --> 00:04:16,505
(bell dings)

131
00:04:16,505 --> 00:04:19,470
- So anyway, I stuffed a
pineapple in the hole, you see,

132
00:04:19,470 --> 00:04:20,922
and I said give me a ring tomorrow

133
00:04:20,922 --> 00:04:22,926
and let me know if it's stopped.

134
00:04:22,926 --> 00:04:24,568
Well (screams)

135
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:27,219
(audience laughs)

136
00:04:27,219 --> 00:04:28,840
- What on earth are you
doing, Mr. Humphries?

137
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:30,363
- There's a mouse round my drawers.

138
00:04:30,363 --> 00:04:33,196
(audience laughs)

139
00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:36,040
- Here it is, eh, it's clockwork.

140
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,392
- Is this another of
your jokes, Mr. Lucas?

141
00:04:38,392 --> 00:04:39,962
- Not guilty, Captain Peacock.

142
00:04:39,962 --> 00:04:42,472
- I am in no mood for practical jokes.

143
00:04:42,472 --> 00:04:46,555
Now, what idiot released
this mouse on the floor?

144
00:04:47,464 --> 00:04:48,297
(audience laughs)

145
00:04:48,297 --> 00:04:50,318
I shall count to 10,
and if no one owns up,

146
00:04:50,318 --> 00:04:53,202
we shall remain behind
after the store closes

147
00:04:53,202 --> 00:04:55,108
until this matter is resolved.

148
00:04:55,108 --> 00:04:56,441
One, two, three.

149
00:04:57,867 --> 00:04:59,296
- Own up or I'll tell on ya.

150
00:04:59,296 --> 00:05:00,696
- You wouldn't do that.

151
00:05:00,696 --> 00:05:02,514
- Yes, I would, I've got a date tonight.

152
00:05:02,514 --> 00:05:03,347
- Sneak.

153
00:05:03,347 --> 00:05:04,386
- Get your hand up.

154
00:05:04,386 --> 00:05:07,829
(audience laughs)

155
00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:09,749
- Mrs. Slocombe, am I to understand

156
00:05:09,749 --> 00:05:11,438
that you are the miscreant?

157
00:05:11,438 --> 00:05:12,808
- The what?

158
00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:14,453
- The person who released this object?

159
00:05:14,453 --> 00:05:15,286
- Well, yes.

160
00:05:15,286 --> 00:05:17,608
- I don't want any excuses.

161
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:19,502
I shall confiscate this.

162
00:05:19,502 --> 00:05:20,499
If you wish to retrieve it, you will

163
00:05:20,499 --> 00:05:22,779
find it in Mr. Rumbold's office.

164
00:05:22,779 --> 00:05:25,134
There's been far too much
laxity on the floor of late.

165
00:05:25,134 --> 00:05:26,465
You're all getting very sloppy.

166
00:05:26,465 --> 00:05:28,350
- Captain Peacock.

167
00:05:28,350 --> 00:05:31,458
I've been over 40 years
in various retail outlets,

168
00:05:31,458 --> 00:05:34,181
and I've never been called sloppy.

169
00:05:34,181 --> 00:05:35,838
- An egg stain on the tie.

170
00:05:35,838 --> 00:05:36,671
- What?

171
00:05:36,671 --> 00:05:38,117
- Three waistcoat buttons undone.

172
00:05:38,117 --> 00:05:39,678
A frayed cuff.

173
00:05:39,678 --> 00:05:41,261
I call that sloppy!

174
00:05:42,268 --> 00:05:45,042
- Mr. Goldberg, I've never
heard a senior assistant

175
00:05:45,042 --> 00:05:47,682
spoken to like that in my life.

176
00:05:47,682 --> 00:05:49,829
- Have I got egg stain on my tie?

177
00:05:49,829 --> 00:05:51,304
- Not a big one.

178
00:05:51,304 --> 00:05:52,360
(audience laughs)

179
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:53,836
- Well, I have to have these three buttons

180
00:05:53,836 --> 00:05:57,054
undone on my waistcoat,
otherwise I can't breathe.

181
00:05:57,054 --> 00:05:58,434
- What about the frayed cuff?

182
00:05:58,434 --> 00:06:01,890
- Well, Mrs. Goldberg
was going to turn it.

183
00:06:01,890 --> 00:06:03,390
Oh, dear, she has.

184
00:06:04,588 --> 00:06:06,869
- I've never known him go on like that.

185
00:06:06,869 --> 00:06:08,668
I think there's something wrong with him.

186
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:10,972
- Perhaps he's had another
row with Mrs. Peacock.

187
00:06:10,972 --> 00:06:12,257
You know, like last time when she threw

188
00:06:12,257 --> 00:06:13,854
the custard all over him and made him

189
00:06:13,854 --> 00:06:15,870
sleep in the spare room for a week.

190
00:06:15,870 --> 00:06:17,118
- Yeah, well, if I was
married to Mrs. Peacock,

191
00:06:17,118 --> 00:06:18,808
I'd sleep in the spare room all the time.

192
00:06:18,808 --> 00:06:19,864
(audience laughs)

193
00:06:19,864 --> 00:06:21,317
- He's definitely not well.

194
00:06:21,317 --> 00:06:23,567
His nostrils are all drawn.

195
00:06:24,930 --> 00:06:25,768
- Is that bad?

196
00:06:25,768 --> 00:06:28,661
- Well, our milkman's
horse had drawn nostrils.

197
00:06:28,661 --> 00:06:30,844
(audience laughs)

198
00:06:30,844 --> 00:06:34,645
Do you know, one morning, it
dropped dead in the shafts.

199
00:06:34,645 --> 00:06:35,909
- You're not suggesting
that's going to happen

200
00:06:35,909 --> 00:06:37,637
to Captain Peacock, are you?

201
00:06:37,637 --> 00:06:39,436
- Let me put it this way,
if he delivered my milk,

202
00:06:39,436 --> 00:06:41,454
I'd order an extra three pints.

203
00:06:41,454 --> 00:06:42,664
(audience laughs)

204
00:06:42,664 --> 00:06:45,989
- I can reassure you it's
not as serious as that.

205
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,800
- How do you know what it is?

206
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:48,800
- I just do.

207
00:06:50,056 --> 00:06:52,514
I was told in the strictest
confidence yesterday.

208
00:06:52,514 --> 00:06:55,694
- Well, you can tell us in the
strictest confidence today.

209
00:06:55,694 --> 00:06:58,766
- Look, it's a very delicate matter.

210
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:00,434
- Mr. Goldberg, anyone who knows me

211
00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:03,723
will tell you that I am not a gossip.

212
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,019
It'll go no further.

213
00:07:05,019 --> 00:07:05,852
(audience laughs)

214
00:07:05,852 --> 00:07:07,227
- But I did give my word.

215
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,640
- He made you work very small
over those frayed cuffs.

216
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:10,935
- True.

217
00:07:10,935 --> 00:07:14,103
- And it was very unnecessary
to mention that egg stain.

218
00:07:14,103 --> 00:07:16,353
- I'd forgotten about that.

219
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,462
Well, apparently, he went down to see

220
00:07:20,462 --> 00:07:22,478
Mr. Franco in the sports department.

221
00:07:22,478 --> 00:07:24,952
He wanted some jogging shorts.

222
00:07:24,952 --> 00:07:26,824
You know how vain he is.

223
00:07:26,824 --> 00:07:28,190
Well, he wouldn't be satisfied

224
00:07:28,190 --> 00:07:31,203
until he tried three lots of shorts.

225
00:07:31,203 --> 00:07:32,596
But then during the process,

226
00:07:32,596 --> 00:07:35,346
Mr. Franco noticed he had a boil.

227
00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:38,357
(audience laughs)

228
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:39,857
A very large boil.

229
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:42,903
- Where?

230
00:07:47,173 --> 00:07:48,571
(Lucas laughs)

231
00:07:48,571 --> 00:07:50,616
(audience laughs)

232
00:07:50,616 --> 00:07:53,075
(Lucas laughs)

233
00:07:53,075 --> 00:07:55,992
(Humphries laughs)

234
00:07:58,787 --> 00:08:00,504
- Where is it?

235
00:08:00,504 --> 00:08:01,916
You can tell me.

236
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:02,749
Tell me!

237
00:08:04,619 --> 00:08:07,105
(Mrs. Slocombe laughs)
(audience laughs)

238
00:08:07,105 --> 00:08:08,786
The poor man.

239
00:08:08,786 --> 00:08:12,036
- Don't keep it to yourselves, tell me.

240
00:08:13,931 --> 00:08:16,069
I didn't notice a boil on his thumb.

241
00:08:16,069 --> 00:08:17,797
(audience laughs)

242
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,380
- Not on his thumb.

243
00:08:20,786 --> 00:08:22,981
(Miss Brahms laughs)

244
00:08:22,981 --> 00:08:27,064
(rhythmic cash register dinging)

245
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,132
- Well, I think Captain
Peacock's gone mad.

246
00:08:30,132 --> 00:08:32,518
I mean, just because I used a felt tip pen

247
00:08:32,518 --> 00:08:34,726
on me bill pad instead of a biro,

248
00:08:34,726 --> 00:08:37,976
he went all up, uh, what do you call it

249
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:43,333
when they go all red and swell
up and their eyes pop out?

250
00:08:43,333 --> 00:08:44,402
- Apoplectic.

251
00:08:44,402 --> 00:08:45,507
- [Miss Brahms] Yes.

252
00:08:45,507 --> 00:08:46,725
(audience laughs)

253
00:08:46,725 --> 00:08:48,572
- Well, all I did was use the wrong finger

254
00:08:48,572 --> 00:08:51,788
to ring up the til, and I got a no sale.

255
00:08:51,788 --> 00:08:53,733
- Which finger did you use?

256
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:54,598
- It's immaterial, Mr. Lucas.

257
00:08:54,598 --> 00:08:56,518
(audience laughs)

258
00:08:56,518 --> 00:08:57,779
When he saw that little red flag,

259
00:08:57,779 --> 00:08:59,721
he came charging over to me.

260
00:08:59,721 --> 00:09:01,654
He went mad for about five minutes.

261
00:09:01,654 --> 00:09:03,825
I thought the veins in his
neck were going to burst.

262
00:09:03,825 --> 00:09:05,770
They were standing out
like Spaghetti Junction.

263
00:09:05,770 --> 00:09:06,719
(audience laughs)

264
00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:09,370
- Mind you, having a
boil where he's got one,

265
00:09:09,370 --> 00:09:10,943
well, it must be painful.

266
00:09:10,943 --> 00:09:12,419
- I'm sure we all feel for him.

267
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:13,331
- You speak for yourself.

268
00:09:13,331 --> 00:09:15,454
This is justice.
(audience laughs)

269
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:17,194
He's been rotten to me
ever since I came here,

270
00:09:17,194 --> 00:09:19,175
and I've had to take it sitting down.

271
00:09:19,175 --> 00:09:20,268
- Well, now you've got your revenge,

272
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,358
because he can't take
anything sitting down.

273
00:09:22,358 --> 00:09:25,896
(all laugh)
(audience laughs)

274
00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:28,463
- Please, please, shh, shh.

275
00:09:28,463 --> 00:09:29,952
Keep your voices down.

276
00:09:29,952 --> 00:09:30,924
Shh!

277
00:09:30,924 --> 00:09:32,532
You don't want this thing to spread.

278
00:09:32,532 --> 00:09:33,660
- Why, is it catching?

279
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:37,116
(all laugh)
(audience laughs)

280
00:09:37,116 --> 00:09:39,049
- Look, will you listen, I told you

281
00:09:39,049 --> 00:09:40,764
in the strictest confidence.

282
00:09:40,764 --> 00:09:44,620
Now, please, people can be
very sensitive about boils.

283
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:47,184
So I must ask you, even for my own sake,

284
00:09:47,184 --> 00:09:50,006
don't mention anything
about it while he's here.

285
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,984
- I won't say a word.

286
00:09:51,984 --> 00:09:53,292
I wouldn't be that cheeky.

287
00:09:53,292 --> 00:09:57,459
(all laugh)
(audience laughs)

288
00:10:00,855 --> 00:10:03,688
(audience laughs)

289
00:10:04,657 --> 00:10:06,640
- What you got there, Captain Peacock?

290
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,804
- A cup of tea.

291
00:10:07,804 --> 00:10:09,568
- No, I meant that thing on your arm.

292
00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:10,518
- Oh, this?

293
00:10:10,518 --> 00:10:12,832
Yes, yes, it's a rubber ring.

294
00:10:12,832 --> 00:10:15,076
The medical department have
had a lot of complaints

295
00:10:15,076 --> 00:10:16,710
recently about the poor quality of rubber,

296
00:10:16,710 --> 00:10:19,840
and I volunteered to
test it for a few days.

297
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,673
(audience laughs)

298
00:10:27,592 --> 00:10:29,068
(audience laughs)

299
00:10:29,068 --> 00:10:29,901
- Well, if you're gonna test it,

300
00:10:29,901 --> 00:10:31,529
you want to treat it a bit
rougher than that, you know.

301
00:10:31,529 --> 00:10:33,388
You want to bounce up and down a bit.

302
00:10:33,388 --> 00:10:35,631
(audience laughs)

303
00:10:35,631 --> 00:10:37,548
- That will come later.

304
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,419
I must say that any resemblance

305
00:10:40,419 --> 00:10:44,150
between that and tea
is purely coincidental.

306
00:10:44,150 --> 00:10:46,108
- That's because they never
bring the water to the boil.

307
00:10:46,108 --> 00:10:50,275
(all laugh)
(audience laughs)

308
00:10:53,788 --> 00:10:57,328
- Seems to be a lot of
hilarity this morning.

309
00:10:57,328 --> 00:10:58,489
I suppose, as usual, I shall be

310
00:10:58,489 --> 00:11:01,648
the last one to know what caused it.

311
00:11:01,648 --> 00:11:04,481
(audience laughs)

312
00:11:10,010 --> 00:11:10,970
Just because I'm reading the paper,

313
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:14,006
it doesn't mean that
everybody has to stop talking.

314
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:16,035
(all talking over each other)

315
00:11:16,035 --> 00:11:17,826
- [Lucas] No, I was talking
about Mr. Humphries not talking.

316
00:11:17,826 --> 00:11:21,036
- Oh, yeah, we've had a good amiable chat.

317
00:11:21,036 --> 00:11:23,881
There's a very good article in that paper

318
00:11:23,881 --> 00:11:27,241
about the, uh, the, uh,
great train robbery.

319
00:11:27,241 --> 00:11:28,995
- Oh, yes, I was reading
about it in the bus.

320
00:11:28,995 --> 00:11:30,162
- Standing up?

321
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:34,646
- Yes, it was full as usual.

322
00:11:34,646 --> 00:11:36,204
It's my theory that most of the money

323
00:11:36,204 --> 00:11:38,199
finished up in South America.

324
00:11:38,199 --> 00:11:41,406
- Yes, I doubt if they'll
ever get to the bottom of it.

325
00:11:41,406 --> 00:11:45,292
(all laugh)
(audience laughs)

326
00:11:45,292 --> 00:11:46,672
- Oh, I expect they will in the end.

327
00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:50,839
(all laugh)
(audience laughs)

328
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,602
- You know, don't you?

329
00:11:58,602 --> 00:12:00,654
No use trying to hide your
sniggering, Miss Brahms.

330
00:12:00,654 --> 00:12:02,212
You know, don't you?

331
00:12:02,212 --> 00:12:03,783
- Know what, Captain Peacock?

332
00:12:03,783 --> 00:12:04,842
(audience laughs)

333
00:12:04,842 --> 00:12:07,566
- About my, my misfortune?

334
00:12:07,566 --> 00:12:08,705
How did you find out?

335
00:12:08,705 --> 00:12:10,145
- Somebody told me.

336
00:12:10,145 --> 00:12:10,986
(audience laughs)

337
00:12:10,986 --> 00:12:12,378
- Who?

338
00:12:12,378 --> 00:12:13,518
- Mr. Slocombe.

339
00:12:13,518 --> 00:12:14,704
(audience laughs)

340
00:12:14,704 --> 00:12:16,034
- I see.

341
00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:17,598
Who told you, Mrs. Slocombe?

342
00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:19,914
- I'm not one to tell tales.

343
00:12:19,914 --> 00:12:24,570
However, since we're all
sneaking today, Mr. Lucas.

344
00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:27,582
- I knew Mr. Lucas would
be in this thing somewhere.

345
00:12:27,582 --> 00:12:28,890
Who told you?

346
00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:30,618
- Wild horses wouldn't
drag that information

347
00:12:30,618 --> 00:12:32,776
from my lips, Captain
Peacock, but I will point.

348
00:12:32,776 --> 00:12:35,476
(audience laughs)

349
00:12:35,476 --> 00:12:37,806
- I'm surprised at you, Mr. Goldberg.

350
00:12:37,806 --> 00:12:39,543
I'm surprised at all of you.

351
00:12:39,543 --> 00:12:42,196
Hitherto I have regarded
you as my friends.

352
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:46,529
- I'm sure I speak for
everybody here that, uh,

353
00:12:46,529 --> 00:12:49,889
I'm very sorry to have
caused you such distress.

354
00:12:49,889 --> 00:12:53,790
- What I want to know now,
Mr. Goldberg, is who told you?

355
00:12:53,790 --> 00:12:55,828
- Well, I was told in
the strictest confidence,

356
00:12:55,828 --> 00:12:59,345
and I can assure you it'll go no further.

357
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:03,364
Your secret is safe with
us on the third floor.

358
00:13:03,364 --> 00:13:04,263
- Hello, Captain Peacock.

359
00:13:04,263 --> 00:13:06,698
They're all asking after you
in the packing department.

360
00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:07,531
(audience laughs)

361
00:13:07,531 --> 00:13:08,740
How's the boil on your bum?

362
00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:12,900
(all laugh)
(audience laughs)

363
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:14,394
(rhythmic cash register dinging)

364
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,804
- Sorry I was delayed.

365
00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:19,480
Now then, what's all this about, Peacock?

366
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,289
- Well, sir, this is a
matter of some delicacy.

367
00:13:22,289 --> 00:13:25,805
I am suffering from a minor
but painful indisposition.

368
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,111
- Oh, do you mean the boil I heard about

369
00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:28,194
in the lift this morning?

370
00:13:28,194 --> 00:13:29,027
(audience laughs)

371
00:13:29,027 --> 00:13:29,860
- Yes, sir.

372
00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:31,006
I have a complaint.

373
00:13:31,006 --> 00:13:33,238
- Yes, a very nasty one,
too, I should think.

374
00:13:33,238 --> 00:13:34,391
- No, sir.

375
00:13:34,391 --> 00:13:36,298
I wish to complain.

376
00:13:36,298 --> 00:13:38,723
I've been made a laughingstock
throughout the store.

377
00:13:38,723 --> 00:13:40,510
Owing to a grave breach of confidence

378
00:13:40,510 --> 00:13:42,276
by a member of another department,

379
00:13:42,276 --> 00:13:44,494
to wit, Mr. Franco of sports.

380
00:13:44,494 --> 00:13:46,307
- Come to the point, Peacock.

381
00:13:46,307 --> 00:13:48,190
- It all occurred in the fitting room.

382
00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:50,626
Everyone knows that the
first rule of sales etiquette

383
00:13:50,626 --> 00:13:52,548
is that what one sees in the fitting room

384
00:13:52,548 --> 00:13:54,167
is in the strictest confidence.

385
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,052
- That's very true.

386
00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:58,286
- While I was trying on
a pair of jogging shorts,

387
00:13:58,286 --> 00:14:01,511
Mr. Franco became acquainted
with my affliction

388
00:14:01,511 --> 00:14:03,264
and bandied it about the store.

389
00:14:03,264 --> 00:14:04,167
- Yeah.

390
00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:05,546
Well, obviously I thought you had

391
00:14:05,546 --> 00:14:07,540
released the news yourself.

392
00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:08,762
- I mean, it wouldn't be so bad

393
00:14:08,762 --> 00:14:10,574
if it was just us, but when it gets down

394
00:14:10,574 --> 00:14:13,191
to the packing department,
that's too much.

395
00:14:13,191 --> 00:14:14,831
- Oh, I feel most strongly that Mr. Franco

396
00:14:14,831 --> 00:14:17,786
should be reprimanded
through official channels

397
00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:19,429
and should make a proper apology.

398
00:14:19,429 --> 00:14:20,916
- I think he should write it out

399
00:14:20,916 --> 00:14:22,718
and put it up on the staff notice board.

400
00:14:22,718 --> 00:14:24,410
(audience laughs)

401
00:14:24,410 --> 00:14:27,194
- I don't think I'll
ask him to go that far.

402
00:14:27,194 --> 00:14:28,190
- No, there might be one or two people

403
00:14:28,190 --> 00:14:29,402
who haven't heard yet.

404
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:30,446
(audience laughs)

405
00:14:30,446 --> 00:14:33,362
- My first instinct was to
go and punch him on the nose,

406
00:14:33,362 --> 00:14:35,428
but because this whole
affair brings Grace Brothers

407
00:14:35,428 --> 00:14:37,418
into disrepute, I feel it proper

408
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:38,980
to go through official channels.

409
00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:39,813
- I quite agree.

410
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:41,271
I shall phone Mr. Franco at once.

411
00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:42,104
- [Peacock] Thank you, sir.

412
00:14:42,104 --> 00:14:43,703
- I mean, I wouldn't have
dreamt of passing it on

413
00:14:43,703 --> 00:14:45,626
had I known that the information

414
00:14:45,626 --> 00:14:47,882
was obtained in the fitting room.

415
00:14:47,882 --> 00:14:48,973
- Yeah, we never said anything about

416
00:14:48,973 --> 00:14:50,762
that big blonde that came in with

417
00:14:50,762 --> 00:14:52,862
the limerick tattooed on her.

418
00:14:52,862 --> 00:14:54,193
- What was that?

419
00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:56,856
- Um, there once was a couple of rockers,

420
00:14:56,856 --> 00:14:58,333
went out with a bird with big--

421
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:01,969
- That'll do, Miss Brahms.
(audience laughs)

422
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,374
- Ah, Mr. Franco?

423
00:15:03,374 --> 00:15:05,041
Rumbold here, third floor.

424
00:15:05,041 --> 00:15:07,750
I have Captain Peacock here with me.

425
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:08,604
Oh, you heard?

426
00:15:08,604 --> 00:15:11,544
Yes, well, he feels that
you owe him an apology.

427
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:14,377
(Franco laughing)

428
00:15:15,828 --> 00:15:17,698
I don't think you should take that line.

429
00:15:17,698 --> 00:15:19,860
He feels very strongly about it.

430
00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:21,553
His first instinct was to
come down and punch you

431
00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:24,122
on the nose, and he is
quite capable of it.

432
00:15:24,122 --> 00:15:25,646
- In passing, you might mention that I was

433
00:15:25,646 --> 00:15:28,993
the World to Weight runner up
for the RESC at Mersa Matruh.

434
00:15:28,993 --> 00:15:30,794
(audience laughs)

435
00:15:30,794 --> 00:15:34,850
- He was the World to Weight
champion of Mersa Matruh.

436
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,322
I assure you, he is not bluffing.

437
00:15:37,322 --> 00:15:39,518
Look, he comes from a
background where a gentleman

438
00:15:39,518 --> 00:15:41,414
takes a person like you down to the gym,

439
00:15:41,414 --> 00:15:44,762
puts on the gloves, and
gives you a damn good hiding.

440
00:15:44,762 --> 00:15:45,830
Oh, I see.

441
00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:47,091
He accepts the challenge then.

442
00:15:47,091 --> 00:15:50,138
(audience laughs)

443
00:15:50,138 --> 00:15:54,231
Yes, well, five rounds,
that's okay with us, yeah.

444
00:15:54,231 --> 00:15:56,231
He'll go 10 if you like.

445
00:15:57,431 --> 00:16:00,154
Right, very well, then, Saturday
afternoon, three o'clock.

446
00:16:00,154 --> 00:16:00,987
- You...

447
00:16:02,855 --> 00:16:04,382
(Peacock cries out)

448
00:16:04,382 --> 00:16:07,332
(audience laughs)

449
00:16:07,332 --> 00:16:11,415
(rhythmic cash register dinging)

450
00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:18,543
(audience laughs)

451
00:16:19,550 --> 00:16:22,383
(audience laughs)

452
00:16:23,796 --> 00:16:26,629
(audience laughs)

453
00:16:32,161 --> 00:16:35,639
- Ooh, he's flexing his muscles.

454
00:16:35,639 --> 00:16:38,279
Ooh, isn't he marvelous?

455
00:16:38,279 --> 00:16:41,279
I'm gonna ask him to sign this bill.

456
00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:45,173
Captain Peacock?

457
00:16:45,173 --> 00:16:46,163
- Hey!

458
00:16:46,163 --> 00:16:47,602
(audience laughs)

459
00:16:47,602 --> 00:16:48,852
- Are you free?

460
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:52,308
- At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

461
00:16:52,308 --> 00:16:55,390
- Would you sign this bill for me?

462
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:56,223
- But it's blank.

463
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,383
You haven't sold anything.

464
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,247
- I know.

465
00:16:58,247 --> 00:17:01,150
I just wanted your autograph.

466
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:02,494
We'd like you to know that we in the

467
00:17:02,494 --> 00:17:05,159
ladies department are very proud of you.

468
00:17:05,159 --> 00:17:07,092
We think what you're doing is marvelous.

469
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,627
Me and Miss Brahms are seeing you

470
00:17:08,627 --> 00:17:11,014
from quite a different angle.

471
00:17:11,014 --> 00:17:13,415
And what we say is if a man can't stick up

472
00:17:13,415 --> 00:17:15,479
for his honor, what can he stick up for?

473
00:17:15,479 --> 00:17:17,422
(audience laughs)

474
00:17:17,422 --> 00:17:18,958
- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

475
00:17:18,958 --> 00:17:20,698
- Look at him, he's basking in it.

476
00:17:20,698 --> 00:17:22,366
- Well, if I was in his position,

477
00:17:22,366 --> 00:17:25,030
I'd like to think that
I'd do the same thing.

478
00:17:25,030 --> 00:17:26,638
I wouldn't, but I'd like to think I would.

479
00:17:26,638 --> 00:17:27,766
(audience laughs)

480
00:17:27,766 --> 00:17:28,896
- You know, I used to get into

481
00:17:28,896 --> 00:17:31,531
a lot of scraps when I was a lad.

482
00:17:31,531 --> 00:17:33,780
I was known as Gruesome Goldberg,

483
00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:35,569
the Goldest Green Gorilla.

484
00:17:35,569 --> 00:17:37,986
(bell dings)

485
00:17:42,945 --> 00:17:46,464
(audience laughs)

486
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:48,983
- Oi, oi, you're doing alright, aren't ya?

487
00:17:48,983 --> 00:17:50,196
- Well, they do seem to admire a man

488
00:17:50,196 --> 00:17:51,649
who sticks to his principles.

489
00:17:51,649 --> 00:17:54,503
- Oh, they admire you, and
they're very sorry for ya.

490
00:17:54,503 --> 00:17:56,792
Like they admired the Light Brigade.

491
00:17:56,792 --> 00:18:00,407
Only a handful got through,
but they admired them.

492
00:18:00,407 --> 00:18:01,941
- Mr. Harman, what are you trying to say?

493
00:18:01,941 --> 00:18:04,186
- Word has it that Mr.
Franco is very handy

494
00:18:04,186 --> 00:18:06,501
with his dukes, and when he was

495
00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:09,656
in the navy, he boxed for his ship.

496
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:10,833
- Torpedo boat?

497
00:18:10,833 --> 00:18:12,033
- Aircraft carrier.

498
00:18:12,033 --> 00:18:13,511
(audience laughs)

499
00:18:13,511 --> 00:18:14,830
- Mr. Harman, don't come on the floor

500
00:18:14,830 --> 00:18:17,253
in your overalls during working hours.

501
00:18:17,253 --> 00:18:20,314
- In that case, I won't tell
you about his secret weapon.

502
00:18:20,314 --> 00:18:22,064
- What secret weapon?

503
00:18:22,932 --> 00:18:25,969
- He's got a killer punch in both hands.

504
00:18:25,969 --> 00:18:28,478
(audience laughs)

505
00:18:28,478 --> 00:18:31,395
(staff applauding)

506
00:18:33,610 --> 00:18:35,532
- May I use your phone, Mr. Goldberg?

507
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:38,510
- I'd be most honored, champ.

508
00:18:38,510 --> 00:18:41,530
- I'll get the number
for you, Captain Peacock.

509
00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:44,244
I'm mad about his aftershave.

510
00:18:44,244 --> 00:18:46,055
- He probably splashes it all over.

511
00:18:46,055 --> 00:18:48,926
(audience laughs)

512
00:18:48,926 --> 00:18:49,759
- Who do you want?

513
00:18:49,759 --> 00:18:50,977
- Oh, Mr. Grace.

514
00:18:50,977 --> 00:18:52,849
A rather worrying thought has struck me.

515
00:18:52,849 --> 00:18:54,454
I hadn't obtained Mr. Grace's permission,

516
00:18:54,454 --> 00:18:57,934
and he may, of course, not
allow the fight to proceed.

517
00:18:57,934 --> 00:18:59,759
- It's going to take place
on Saturday afternoon.

518
00:18:59,759 --> 00:19:01,018
He won't know about it.

519
00:19:01,018 --> 00:19:02,351
- And we won't say anything.

520
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:03,514
- No, but as a matter of principle,

521
00:19:03,514 --> 00:19:05,764
I feel I ought to tell him.

522
00:19:09,552 --> 00:19:12,385
(audience laughs)

523
00:19:13,943 --> 00:19:15,889
- I can only see a bit
of the pink from here.

524
00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:18,263
(audience laughs)

525
00:19:18,263 --> 00:19:19,751
- I can see quite a lot from here.

526
00:19:19,751 --> 00:19:21,863
(audience laughs)

527
00:19:21,863 --> 00:19:23,569
- You're not going to make me rash it?

528
00:19:23,569 --> 00:19:25,729
- No, no, take all the time in the world.

529
00:19:25,729 --> 00:19:29,242
(audience laughs)

530
00:19:29,242 --> 00:19:30,865
- Oh, uh, excuse me, Mr. Grace,

531
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:34,448
but Captain Peacock's
on the phone for you.

532
00:19:35,569 --> 00:19:36,864
- Hello, Peacock.

533
00:19:36,864 --> 00:19:37,697
- [Peacock] Hello, sir.

534
00:19:37,697 --> 00:19:38,530
- What's all this I hear about you

535
00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:40,620
having a punch-up on Saturday?

536
00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:42,036
- Oh, you've heard about it, sir?

537
00:19:42,036 --> 00:19:44,484
Well, I thought it only
right to consult you,

538
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:47,245
because I felt that
you may wish to ban it?

539
00:19:47,245 --> 00:19:48,397
- Ban it?

540
00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,790
I'm looking forward to it.

541
00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:51,444
I've got a fiver on it.

542
00:19:51,444 --> 00:19:53,629
- Oh, I hope I don't let you down, sir.

543
00:19:53,629 --> 00:19:55,153
- Not on you, on the other fellow.

544
00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:57,287
(audience laughs)

545
00:19:57,287 --> 00:19:59,748
He did very well in the interstall finals.

546
00:19:59,748 --> 00:20:02,026
Knocked out the heavyweight
from mother care.

547
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:04,417
(Peacock groans)
(audience laughs)

548
00:20:04,417 --> 00:20:06,865
Peacock? Hello, Peacock?

549
00:20:06,865 --> 00:20:07,698
Peacock?

550
00:20:07,698 --> 00:20:08,798
(rhythmic cash register dinging)

551
00:20:08,798 --> 00:20:11,822
- Come on, Miss Brahms, let's
get a good ringside seat.

552
00:20:11,822 --> 00:20:13,297
- Well, where are the others?

553
00:20:13,297 --> 00:20:14,629
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Ooh, I don't know.

554
00:20:14,629 --> 00:20:16,538
They'll be coming.

555
00:20:16,538 --> 00:20:18,517
(Lucas gargles)

556
00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:19,441
- That works.

557
00:20:19,441 --> 00:20:21,566
(audience laughs)

558
00:20:21,566 --> 00:20:22,538
- Where's Captain Peacock?

559
00:20:22,538 --> 00:20:23,908
Is he still in the fitting room?

560
00:20:23,908 --> 00:20:25,394
- Hasn't arrived at the fitting room yet.

561
00:20:25,394 --> 00:20:27,002
- We haven't seen him since Friday night.

562
00:20:27,002 --> 00:20:29,846
(bell dings)

563
00:20:29,846 --> 00:20:31,826
- I'm sorry I'm late.

564
00:20:31,826 --> 00:20:35,617
- Oh, my hero, I knew
you wouldn't let us down.

565
00:20:35,617 --> 00:20:36,890
- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

566
00:20:36,890 --> 00:20:38,462
Of course I wouldn't let you down.

567
00:20:38,462 --> 00:20:39,998
Normally.

568
00:20:39,998 --> 00:20:40,862
- What?

569
00:20:40,862 --> 00:20:43,164
- Well, as a precaution,
I went to the doctor

570
00:20:43,164 --> 00:20:45,146
for a final checkup, and before I knew

571
00:20:45,146 --> 00:20:48,004
what was happening, he'd injected
me with some antibiotics.

572
00:20:48,004 --> 00:20:49,767
- What difference does that make?

573
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:52,286
- To my dismay, the doctor
pointed out that after

574
00:20:52,286 --> 00:20:56,654
taking antibiotics, one
mustn't drink, or box.

575
00:20:56,654 --> 00:20:59,054
(audience laughs)

576
00:20:59,054 --> 00:21:01,825
- My doctor's never told me that.

577
00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:04,958
- Bet in your case he
thought it wouldn't apply.

578
00:21:04,958 --> 00:21:07,106
- Does this mean you can't fight, Peacock?

579
00:21:07,106 --> 00:21:09,290
- In a word, I'm afraid so.

580
00:21:09,290 --> 00:21:11,511
- But the honor of the
whole department's at stake.

581
00:21:11,511 --> 00:21:13,850
I mean, I accepted the challenge.

582
00:21:13,850 --> 00:21:15,220
- Alright, then, you go and fight him.

583
00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:17,238
- Well, well, I can't fight, you see,

584
00:21:17,238 --> 00:21:19,123
because I wear glasses.

585
00:21:19,123 --> 00:21:20,360
- Well, take 'em off.

586
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,858
- If I do that, I can't see.

587
00:21:22,858 --> 00:21:24,896
- Well, I hope somebody's
going to fight him.

588
00:21:24,896 --> 00:21:27,069
I haven't given up my
afternoon's bingo to see

589
00:21:27,069 --> 00:21:30,458
a lot of lily-livered
fairies making excuses.

590
00:21:30,458 --> 00:21:31,440
(audience laughs)

591
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,779
- I would willingly step into the breach

592
00:21:33,779 --> 00:21:36,803
if you think a man with
one lung and a truss

593
00:21:36,803 --> 00:21:39,050
would be a (drowned out by laughter).

594
00:21:39,050 --> 00:21:41,114
(audience laughs)

595
00:21:41,114 --> 00:21:42,197
- No, no, no.

596
00:21:43,163 --> 00:21:45,181
We've got a couple younger than you.

597
00:21:45,181 --> 00:21:46,438
- Yeah, but not in such good condition.

598
00:21:46,438 --> 00:21:47,472
(audience laughs)

599
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:49,622
- You're always talking
big, now's your chance

600
00:21:49,622 --> 00:21:51,398
to show how big you are.

601
00:21:51,398 --> 00:21:52,873
- I would, were it not for the fact

602
00:21:52,873 --> 00:21:55,406
that my poor old mother, for
whom the slightest excitement

603
00:21:55,406 --> 00:21:57,795
could prove fatal, made me
join this religious sect.

604
00:21:57,795 --> 00:21:59,354
- Yeah, it's called Cowards Anonymous.

605
00:21:59,354 --> 00:22:00,399
(audience laughs)

606
00:22:00,399 --> 00:22:01,850
- Very nearly right.

607
00:22:01,850 --> 00:22:03,194
Only the other night
I went to the meeting,

608
00:22:03,194 --> 00:22:04,624
and I rolled up me left trouser leg,

609
00:22:04,624 --> 00:22:07,034
and holding a dead chicken
in me outstretched hand,

610
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:08,824
I swore before the iron lama that I would

611
00:22:08,824 --> 00:22:10,600
do no violence to any living thing,

612
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,156
animal, vegetable, or insect.

613
00:22:13,156 --> 00:22:15,041
Unfortunately, I ate a lettuce
leaf with a caterpillar

614
00:22:15,041 --> 00:22:16,808
on it, and I'm still doing penance.

615
00:22:16,808 --> 00:22:18,004
(audience laughs)

616
00:22:18,004 --> 00:22:19,230
- What about you, Mr. Humphries?

617
00:22:19,230 --> 00:22:21,739
- Oh, I've never boxed in my life.

618
00:22:21,739 --> 00:22:23,537
Now, wrestling, now that's another matter.

619
00:22:23,537 --> 00:22:24,545
(audience laughs)

620
00:22:24,545 --> 00:22:27,150
- I wouldn't have thought
you were the wrestling sort.

621
00:22:27,150 --> 00:22:28,529
- I was known as Hugger Humphries.

622
00:22:28,529 --> 00:22:31,470
(audience laughs)

623
00:22:31,470 --> 00:22:34,053
They had to pull me off people.

624
00:22:34,982 --> 00:22:36,664
I was the catch-as-catch-can champion

625
00:22:36,664 --> 00:22:38,632
of the Barleymoore Road Mixed Infants.

626
00:22:38,632 --> 00:22:40,359
(audience laughs)

627
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,904
- Well, it's all down to
Miss Brahms or Mrs. Slocombe,

628
00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:44,870
and my money's on the heavyweight.

629
00:22:44,870 --> 00:22:46,670
- Weak as water!

630
00:22:46,670 --> 00:22:48,746
If I was a man, I'd be in there.

631
00:22:48,746 --> 00:22:50,269
- You shouldn't have shaved your

632
00:22:50,269 --> 00:22:51,102
mustache off, then, should you?

633
00:22:51,102 --> 00:22:52,704
(audience laughs)

634
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,110
- We shall just have to postpone the match

635
00:22:54,110 --> 00:22:56,365
until Captain Peacock is better.

636
00:22:56,365 --> 00:22:59,054
- I, I may be on antibiotics for life.

637
00:22:59,054 --> 00:23:01,020
(audience laughs)

638
00:23:01,020 --> 00:23:04,020
(audience applauds)

639
00:23:07,310 --> 00:23:09,564
- Well, uh, nice to see you, Mr. Franco,

640
00:23:09,564 --> 00:23:11,412
but I'm afraid we have some bad news.

641
00:23:11,412 --> 00:23:14,388
- I think you ought to
hear our bad news first.

642
00:23:14,388 --> 00:23:16,430
Due to the size of Mr. Franco's hands,

643
00:23:16,430 --> 00:23:19,969
the sports department can't get
a pair of gloves to fit him.

644
00:23:19,969 --> 00:23:22,429
- Ah, chickening out, eh?

645
00:23:22,429 --> 00:23:24,180
- I'm not chickening out.

646
00:23:24,180 --> 00:23:26,832
I can beat you with my own hands.

647
00:23:26,832 --> 00:23:28,188
- Do you mean wrestling?

648
00:23:28,188 --> 00:23:29,630
- Anything you like.

649
00:23:29,630 --> 00:23:31,918
- How about catch-as-catch-can?

650
00:23:31,918 --> 00:23:33,179
- That's my favorite.

651
00:23:33,179 --> 00:23:34,449
(audience laughs)

652
00:23:34,449 --> 00:23:35,928
- [Peacock] Unfortunately,
I'm only a boxing man.

653
00:23:35,928 --> 00:23:37,713
(audience laughs)

654
00:23:37,713 --> 00:23:39,357
- [Franco] Chickening out, are you?

655
00:23:39,357 --> 00:23:40,268
- [Peacock] Certainly not.

656
00:23:40,268 --> 00:23:41,668
Mr. Humphries!

657
00:23:41,668 --> 00:23:42,513
- I'm not free!

658
00:23:42,513 --> 00:23:43,346
- [Peacock] Oh, yes, you are!

659
00:23:43,346 --> 00:23:45,101
Get him!
(audience laughs)

660
00:23:45,101 --> 00:23:45,934
- You can't come in here.

661
00:23:45,934 --> 00:23:48,388
This is the ladies fitting room.

662
00:23:48,388 --> 00:23:50,439
(cries out) No, put me down!

663
00:23:50,439 --> 00:23:53,412
No, please! No, put me down!

664
00:23:53,412 --> 00:23:54,263
- Take your trousers off.

665
00:23:54,263 --> 00:23:55,726
- Ooh!

666
00:23:55,726 --> 00:23:56,559
I never thought those words

667
00:23:56,559 --> 00:23:58,427
could cause such mixed emotions.

668
00:23:58,427 --> 00:23:59,316
(audience laughs)

669
00:23:59,316 --> 00:24:00,912
Take your hands off me.

670
00:24:00,912 --> 00:24:01,745
I thought you weren't supposed to

671
00:24:01,745 --> 00:24:04,320
harm anything animal,
vegetable, or insect?

672
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,664
- I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.

673
00:24:05,664 --> 00:24:07,322
(audience laughs)

674
00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:08,155
- No! Get away!

675
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:11,511
I've never seen anything
like this since Emmanuel II.

676
00:24:11,511 --> 00:24:12,344
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Take him out.

677
00:24:12,344 --> 00:24:13,466
Take his things off.

678
00:24:13,466 --> 00:24:17,042
- [Humprhies] Ow! You very nearly did.

679
00:24:17,042 --> 00:24:19,261
(Humphries cries out)

680
00:24:19,261 --> 00:24:22,094
(audience laughs)

681
00:24:24,266 --> 00:24:26,534
- Ladies and gentlemen, on the right,

682
00:24:26,534 --> 00:24:28,647
Mr. Franco from sports equipment.

683
00:24:28,647 --> 00:24:30,223
- [Blue Side] Hooray!

684
00:24:30,223 --> 00:24:31,085
- [Red Side] Boo!

685
00:24:31,085 --> 00:24:33,485
- On my left, Mr. Wilberforce
Clayborne Humphries

686
00:24:33,485 --> 00:24:34,637
of gents ready made.

687
00:24:34,637 --> 00:24:35,637
- [All] Yay!

688
00:24:37,085 --> 00:24:39,677
- This is a three-round contest.

689
00:24:39,677 --> 00:24:43,493
Two falls, or a submission,
to decide the winner.

690
00:24:43,493 --> 00:24:46,698
Or the first of the two
gentlemen to run away.

691
00:24:46,698 --> 00:24:47,837
(audience laughs)

692
00:24:47,837 --> 00:24:49,866
Now I want no unnecessary
gouging or kicking

693
00:24:49,866 --> 00:24:51,005
with the point of the toe.

694
00:24:51,005 --> 00:24:51,838
- Oh, no.

695
00:24:51,838 --> 00:24:52,976
- No, not yet, sir.

696
00:24:52,976 --> 00:24:54,800
I've never seen anybody so keen.

697
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:55,633
(audience laughs)

698
00:24:55,633 --> 00:24:56,637
Right, any questions?

699
00:24:56,637 --> 00:24:58,794
- Yes, did you get that
ribbon from haberdashery?

700
00:24:58,794 --> 00:24:59,972
(audience laughs)

701
00:24:59,972 --> 00:25:01,856
- Watch it, twinkle toes.

702
00:25:01,856 --> 00:25:03,380
- Right, go to your corners and come out

703
00:25:03,380 --> 00:25:05,517
fighting when I ring the bell.

704
00:25:05,517 --> 00:25:06,836
- Now remember, Mr. Humphries, you are

705
00:25:06,836 --> 00:25:09,488
standing up for the honor
of the whole department.

706
00:25:09,488 --> 00:25:11,034
- Well, you tell my legs that.

707
00:25:11,034 --> 00:25:12,080
(bell rings)

708
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,163
- [Mr. Harman] Round one!

709
00:25:15,172 --> 00:25:18,005
(audience laughs)

710
00:25:26,356 --> 00:25:28,048
- Are you listening?

711
00:25:28,048 --> 00:25:29,981
- I haven't got much choice, have I?

712
00:25:29,981 --> 00:25:32,346
(audience laughs)

713
00:25:32,346 --> 00:25:34,300
- You got any grudge against me?

714
00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:35,464
- Well, of course not.

715
00:25:35,464 --> 00:25:36,808
I'm sure under other circumstances

716
00:25:36,808 --> 00:25:38,162
we could get on quite well.

717
00:25:38,162 --> 00:25:39,456
Ow!

718
00:25:39,456 --> 00:25:43,146
- In that case, all we gotta
do is make it look good.

719
00:25:43,146 --> 00:25:45,808
- I'm entirely in your hands.

720
00:25:45,808 --> 00:25:49,434
(onlookers clamoring)

721
00:25:49,434 --> 00:25:52,720
- Here, have you ever seen
a flying cross bottom?

722
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,160
- Not for a couple of weeks, no.

723
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,482
(audience laughs)

724
00:25:55,482 --> 00:25:57,533
- First thing we gotta do is whirl you

725
00:25:57,533 --> 00:26:01,204
around my shoulders and
slam you onto the floor.

726
00:26:01,204 --> 00:26:03,528
They call it a propeller.

727
00:26:03,528 --> 00:26:04,814
- What am I going to do?

728
00:26:04,814 --> 00:26:07,048
- You're going to do an agonizing yell.

729
00:26:07,048 --> 00:26:09,278
- Ohh, I think I can manage that.

730
00:26:09,278 --> 00:26:10,111
Oh!

731
00:26:11,486 --> 00:26:14,569
(onlookers cheering)

732
00:26:17,272 --> 00:26:20,355
- He's giving him a flying propeller!

733
00:26:21,507 --> 00:26:22,814
- [Mr. Harman] Not yet!

734
00:26:22,814 --> 00:26:25,147
- I'll be the judge of that!

735
00:26:30,866 --> 00:26:34,033
(onlookers clamoring)

736
00:26:37,766 --> 00:26:41,532
(Humphries cries out)

737
00:26:41,532 --> 00:26:43,346
That was a good yell.

738
00:26:43,346 --> 00:26:45,902
I think you've done this game before.

739
00:26:45,902 --> 00:26:48,149
- Not with so many people watching.

740
00:26:48,149 --> 00:26:50,982
(audience laughs)

741
00:26:52,683 --> 00:26:56,850
- Now, now I'm gonna show
you Patagonian nose hold.

742
00:26:58,312 --> 00:26:59,145
- Oh.

743
00:27:00,014 --> 00:27:02,514
- It looks absolutely ghastly.

744
00:27:03,854 --> 00:27:05,800
- Isn't it time I got you into something?

745
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,147
- No, no, they've gotta hate me first,

746
00:27:09,147 --> 00:27:10,648
and then when you get your revenge,

747
00:27:10,648 --> 00:27:13,803
they're gonna love you, so here we go.

748
00:27:13,803 --> 00:27:15,350
Don't forget to yell.

749
00:27:15,350 --> 00:27:16,517
- I won't. Ah!

750
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,610
- Oh, he's giving him
a Patagonian nose hold.

751
00:27:22,610 --> 00:27:25,070
- They are, they're hating me now.

752
00:27:25,070 --> 00:27:28,447
- Yeah? I'm not so keen on you meself.

753
00:27:28,447 --> 00:27:30,626
(onlookers booing)

754
00:27:30,626 --> 00:27:31,634
- I just remembered.

755
00:27:31,634 --> 00:27:32,467
- What?

756
00:27:32,467 --> 00:27:33,995
- A Brazilian elbow jab.

757
00:27:33,995 --> 00:27:35,498
- Oh, that will be nice.

758
00:27:35,498 --> 00:27:36,350
Ow!

759
00:27:36,350 --> 00:27:37,812
Ow!

760
00:27:37,812 --> 00:27:39,457
Ow!

761
00:27:39,457 --> 00:27:40,810
Ow!

762
00:27:40,810 --> 00:27:41,643
- What's he doing?

763
00:27:41,643 --> 00:27:42,476
He's killing him!

764
00:27:42,476 --> 00:27:44,519
- He's giving him a Brazilian elbow jab!

765
00:27:44,519 --> 00:27:47,686
(onlookers clamoring)

766
00:27:50,050 --> 00:27:51,505
That's it, I've seen enough.

767
00:27:51,505 --> 00:27:52,378
- Are you going home?

768
00:27:52,378 --> 00:27:54,180
- No, I'm going in!

769
00:27:54,180 --> 00:27:58,223
(audience laughs and applauds)

770
00:27:58,223 --> 00:27:59,866
You great bully, why don't you

771
00:27:59,866 --> 00:28:02,257
pick on somebody your own size?

772
00:28:02,257 --> 00:28:06,671
(audience cheers and applauds)

773
00:28:06,671 --> 00:28:11,124
- The winner (mumbles), Mrs. Slocombe!

774
00:28:11,124 --> 00:28:14,351
(audience applauding)

775
00:28:14,351 --> 00:28:16,247
Which just goes to show, when a woman

776
00:28:16,247 --> 00:28:19,165
has a bee in her bonnet,
we'd better behave.

777
00:28:19,165 --> 00:28:21,108
- Or, to put it another way, Mr. Harman,

778
00:28:21,108 --> 00:28:24,590
when a man has a boil on his
bum, he'd better belt up.

779
00:28:24,590 --> 00:28:27,036
(audience laughs)

780
00:28:27,036 --> 00:28:30,036
(audience applauds)

781
00:28:35,124 --> 00:28:37,655
♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

782
00:28:37,655 --> 00:28:41,822
♫ Wigs, haberdashery,
kitchenware, and food, going up

783
00:28:46,538 --> 00:28:49,367
♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits

784
00:28:49,367 --> 00:28:52,020
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes

785
00:28:52,020 --> 00:28:54,353
♫ Going up

786
00:28:58,151 --> 00:29:00,660
♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel goods, and bedding

787
00:29:00,660 --> 00:29:04,827
♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and ties