1 00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:08,176 Mom, do you have an extra tam... 2 00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:11,310 Poncho? 3 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,775 It's upstairs in the drawer. 4 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,283 Yeah, next to her vag nail polish. 5 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,362 Kady, I need for you to load up on the carbs, okay? 6 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,159 You got a very big day at soccer practice today. 7 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:27,802 Mmm, French toast. I like soccer. 8 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:30,058 (CHUCKLES) Baby, I'm glad you said that. 9 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:33,528 Because the way you play soccer is also the way you should live your life. 10 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:37,167 That's true. Michael Jordan plays basketball like he lives his life. 11 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:41,205 Never quits. Even when he quits, he doesn't quit. 12 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,382 I just want to score once this year. 13 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,081 Join the club. 14 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,250 Baby, don't you worry about scoring 15 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,392 because you're gonna score a lot of goals with Mommy as your coach, 16 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,349 'cause Mommy's not gonna let you fail, all right? 17 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,157 Now, carb up. 18 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,159 You're talking about competition? 19 00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,830 And that's when I check out. See you later. 20 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,330 Baby, I'm not overly competitive, am I? 21 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,363 You? Yeah. 22 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,527 No. 23 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,565 Race you to the door. Go! 24 00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,776 (IMITATING JULIA CHILD) Then you add the tomatoes, 25 00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:18,448 but make sure that they are organic tomatoes. 26 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:21,649 And then, what you want to do is put the mustard on. 27 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:25,822 Not too much mustard, because then it will pour out the sides 28 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,463 and you'll have to lick your fingers 29 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,858 and people will call you a fat, fat, fatty. 30 00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:34,700 And so... Then what you want to do is add the mayonnaise. 31 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,458 If you don't have mayonnaise, 32 00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:40,427 what I usually do is squeeze my thigh together 33 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:45,368 and I'm able to extract 34 00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:50,506 a white-like substance which is reminiscent of mayonnaise. 35 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:53,614 And then what I want to do is add the cheese. 36 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:58,447 Oh, I'm having a heart attack thinking about adding all this cheese. 37 00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:02,456 And then the special ingredient, which is the potato chips. 38 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:07,360 Oh! Oh! Oh! Now you just pop it on the plate 39 00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:10,855 and you try to make it downstairs, and you eat this lovely... 40 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,728 Run for your life! 41 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:14,767 Oh, my God. 42 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,472 Thanks, baby. 43 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:20,371 Why am I eating this? I don't want this. 44 00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:23,382 I set Kady up 50 times, 45 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:26,381 50 times, baby. She couldn't get the ball into the net once. 46 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,784 Well, maybe you had a good goalie. 47 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,675 There was no goalie. 48 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,615 Where should I put this stuff, Mom? 49 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,864 (MOCKINGLY) "Where should I put this stuff, Mom? 50 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,218 "Where should I put this stuff, Mom?" 51 00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,434 Did you de-tangle your net, did you count your knee guards, 52 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,559 did you even wash your balls? 53 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:45,833 I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. 54 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,436 You've had me going non-stop since breakfast. 55 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,939 Junior, if you want to be equipment manager, 56 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,941 you're gonna have to stop with the whining. 57 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:55,683 I don't want to be equipment manager. 58 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,949 Unbelievable! 59 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:04,489 Boy, I am trying to make you a part of my peewee soccer dynasty 60 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,618 and you're just sloughing it off like it's nothing? 61 00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:10,663 Dad, help. 62 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,729 Go hose down your balls, Son. 63 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:19,799 Baby, come here. You need a hug. 64 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,443 (SIGHING) Come here. Come here. 65 00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:24,369 Oh, baby. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 66 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:27,875 Maybe I do have a teeny-weeny tendency to go a little overboard. 67 00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,478 And, in the scheme of things, 68 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:34,851 maybe my dream of having a professional little girls' soccer team 69 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,782 is just not that important. 70 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,917 Yes, exactly. 71 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,521 I'm joking! 72 00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:49,629 Where is she? 73 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,573 Who? Your mother? Yeah. 74 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,369 Oh, she went out. 75 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:56,301 Good. We need to talk. 76 00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,567 What's the matter? Soccer's not fun with your mommy coaching you? 77 00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,366 Dad, she goes crazy, she blows the whistle, 78 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,778 and then she yells at everybody. 79 00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,509 Ask Junior. 80 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:04,614 You mother's a tough coach? 81 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,305 She was terrible, Dad. 82 00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,717 She's yelling at 5-year-old girls to drop and give her 20. 83 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,649 They can't count past three. 84 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,754 Then she yelled at this one kid so loud, he wet himself. 85 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,617 I thought it was an all-girls team. 86 00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,326 I was scared. 87 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,533 Hey, I'll talk to your mother for you, okay? 88 00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,863 She'll yell at you, too. 89 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,497 I'm not afraid of her. 90 00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:26,903 You should be. 91 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,444 (WHISTLE BLOWING) 92 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,672 Get off me! Get off me! 93 00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:34,884 I won. 94 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,838 I won again. You sure did. 95 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,347 Okay, let's go... Let's go best three out of five. 96 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,510 All right. 97 00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:41,878 No, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa! Hold on. 98 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,615 I need time, okay? 99 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,691 Not even Michael Jordan plays the whole 48 minutes. 100 00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,559 Okay. All right. Whoo, girl. 101 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,418 It'll give me a chance to work on my playbook. 102 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,688 (BOTH EXCLAIMING) 103 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,528 You know, Jay, I think you're taking this whole coaching thing 104 00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:57,734 a little too seriously. 105 00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,495 I mean, it's supposed to be fun for Kady. 106 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,703 Michael, I am trying to teach these girls 107 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,635 about discipline, teamwork, and respect. 108 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,471 But that stuff ain't fun when you're five. 109 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:08,436 It's not fun when you're 45. 110 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,436 Are you trying to tell me how to coach? 111 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,408 No. That's hilarious. 112 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,776 Michael, you are funny. You don't have a clue how to do what I do. 113 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,645 Probably not. But you know what? 114 00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,494 I bet you they would have a lot more fun if I coached them. 115 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,720 Oh, really? Oh, okay. Well, then, here. 116 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:26,426 Since you're so smart, Michael, here, take the whistle. 117 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,730 I don't want your whistle. Uh-uh. Take it. 118 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,131 I don't want to take over the team, Jay. 119 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,533 Oh, you can talk the talk... I'm just... 120 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,125 ...but you can't walk the walk, huh? 121 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,796 Yeah, but I can squawk the bock and I can eat the chalk 122 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:39,066 and I can hock, hock, hock like a little mollock bock. 123 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:42,739 You're making fun of me? 124 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,006 Just like Peter Falk. 125 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,575 You're making fun of me. 126 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,724 I want you to see how ridiculous you're being. 127 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:48,818 (SIGHING) 128 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,619 I mean, you're hard on them. 129 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,121 I'm starting to get concerned for those kids. 130 00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,722 Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, the poor kids. 131 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:57,664 I didn't know I was married to Sally Struthers. 132 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,091 You know what, give me this whistle. 133 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,186 Good, fine, yeah. You want me to take over? 134 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,827 Yeah. Take over. I'm gonna take over coaching. 135 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,102 You do that. 136 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,470 And you know what? 137 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:05,828 What? It's time. 138 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,466 Race you to the backdoor. Let's go. All right! 139 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,065 I won again. 140 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,576 Good. Could you make me a sandwich? 141 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:20,805 (IMITATING PATTON) I just want to say that no one's ever won a game of soccer 142 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,978 by dying for his team. 143 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,586 You win a game of soccer 144 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,018 by making some other poor dumb 145 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,493 (SIREN WAILS) die for his team. 146 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,194 You guys never saw Patton, huh? 147 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:35,455 Oh, I saw it. That's just not a very good impression. 148 00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:39,670 All right. Well, listen. You know, forget the impressions. 149 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:44,200 Let us learn today the basic rules of the game of soccer. 150 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,207 And rule number one, 151 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:49,579 always get a firm grip on the ball. 152 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,054 Yes, Melissa. 153 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,709 In soccer, 154 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,487 you are not allowed to touch the ball with your hands. 155 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:58,788 (MOCKINGLY) "In soccer, you are not 156 00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,119 "allowed to touch the ball with your hands." 157 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,793 Well, let's look into the soccer rule book 158 00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,492 and see if, in fact, that is true. 159 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:08,625 Yeah, rule number one, "Don't touch the ball with your hands." 160 00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,632 Very good, Melissa. You passed my test. 161 00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,534 And the rest of you should've known that. 162 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,566 You're not allowed to touch the ball with your hands. 163 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,771 Well, you know what? 164 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:21,506 Let's forget the rules for right now. 165 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:26,149 I want us to concentrate on the fundamentals of the game, okay? 166 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:30,119 And you can't have fundamentals without having fun. 167 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:33,020 Or damentals for that matter. 168 00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,115 Yes? 169 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,226 What are "damentals"? 170 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,658 Well, it looks like little Miss Harriet Potter 171 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,964 doesn't quite know everything, does she? 172 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:47,027 "Damentals," my little genius, 173 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,737 are the things that go on inside of your brain 174 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,570 that prevent you from having fun 175 00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,235 while you're playing a game of soccer. 176 00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:56,983 See, damentals tell you, "You're not fast enough to play the game, 177 00:07:57,010 --> 00:08:00,650 "you're not strong enough, you're not smart enough to play the game of soccer." 178 00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:04,791 That's why we have to make damentals fun. 179 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:08,793 Hence, the fundamentals. 180 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,857 You got it? 181 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,892 ALL: Yes! 182 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,197 Then let's go play some soccer! 183 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,899 (ALL CHEERING) 184 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,202 (CHATTERING) 185 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,013 (ALL EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) 186 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,586 Great! 187 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:40,286 (EXCLAIMS) 188 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,863 Come on, champ. 189 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,186 You did great. 190 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,997 That was the best day. That was so much fun. 191 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:56,840 You mean it was fundamental, don't you? 192 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,610 I'm glad you're our coach now, Daddy. 193 00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,837 I love soccer. 194 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,945 Well, I'm glad 'cause I love you. 195 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,248 Looks like you have a really big fan on your hands. 196 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,851 Oh, well, she's just trying to cover up all her pain of losing you as the coach 197 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:15,015 with all that love the soccer stuff. 198 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,185 You don't have to sugarcoat it for me, Michael. 199 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,294 The team likes you better, it's okay. 200 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,256 No. Baby, listen. 201 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,034 Those girls love you. I could never replace you. 202 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,374 I just think maybe my coaching technique's 203 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,139 a little more suited to, you know, 5-year-olds. 204 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,839 You're probably right. 205 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:34,011 But just out of curiosity, what plays did you go over? 206 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,981 Oh, we didn't go over plays, per se, 207 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,209 we just kind of went out there and we fooled around, you know. 208 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,846 What the hell are you doing to my team? 209 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,249 You asked me to coach them. 210 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:47,354 They were running around there today like chickens with their heads cut off. 211 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,917 You were spying on us? 212 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,156 I thought that tree had a nice ass. 213 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,290 Yes. 214 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,326 That was me. That was me. 215 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,332 And you were pathetic, Michael. 216 00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:00,734 Teaching them how to kick with your little sissy dance. 217 00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:04,068 What was that? What was... What was that, Michael? 218 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,214 And you know what? 219 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,068 Don't think I didn't see my picture in that net. 220 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,037 I saw my picture in that net. 221 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:12,806 Look, Jay, I think it's way too early 222 00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:15,046 for you to be criticizing my coaching methods. 223 00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:16,822 What coaching methods? 224 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,190 There were no... You didn't even blow your whistle. 225 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:23,889 How do you expect them to shut up if you don't blow your whistle? 226 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,864 Listen, we are talking about little girls. 227 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:30,234 This is only about them having fun, not about winning. 228 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:34,003 Oh. Oh, I get it. 229 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:37,944 That is the most sexist thing I have ever heard. 230 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:43,141 And how did that become the most sexist thing you ever heard? 231 00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,876 If this was a boys' team, it'd be all about winning. 232 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:48,983 Okay, maybe I want them to win a game or so, 233 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,716 but I'm not gonna beat 'em up and berate them like you do. 234 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:52,892 Are you calling me a lousy coach? 235 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,090 No, what I'm saying is... 236 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,091 It's bad enough that I lose my job, 237 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,193 but now to find out that the man I love 238 00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:01,255 doesn't even think that I have what it takes to coach a little girls' soccer team? 239 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,134 You know what? That's way too much. 240 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,873 (SIGHS) Oh, this ain't over yet. 241 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,768 Oh, this ain't over, Michael. 242 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,771 Let me tell you this, 243 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,103 all the love that they have for you 244 00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,768 is gonna go straight into the crapper 245 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:14,876 the minute you lose your first game. You mark my words. 246 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:18,078 Well, we're not gonna lose the first game, we're gonna win. 247 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,811 That's right. 248 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,823 I hope. 249 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,249 I think. 250 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,145 I'll pray for rain. 251 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,864 Come on, ladies. Let's keep up the team spirit. 252 00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:40,297 I mean, even though we lost, it wasn't that bad. 253 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,773 I don't know, 18-to-nothing is pretty bad. 254 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,265 Well, you gotta keep in mind 255 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:50,276 that we scored 12 of their points for them. 256 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:53,150 I'd be happy if I could score just one goal. 257 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,880 Well, that could very well happen. 258 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,175 We just need a little more practice. 259 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,186 And we need a little more heart, little more determination. 260 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,519 And you know what we really need to get back to? 261 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:06,064 If he says "fundamentals" one more time, I'm going to shoot myself. 262 00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:09,963 Hey, you guys, how did it go? 263 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:13,097 It was great. We came in second. 264 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:14,873 Second? Mmm-hmm. 265 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,072 Oh, okay. Well, as long as you had fun. 266 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:24,539 Melissa, did you have fun losing 18-to-zip? 267 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,507 What the hell do you think? 268 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:30,947 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Language, Melissa. 269 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,824 Well, I am pretty PO. 270 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:37,564 Hey, now Mr. Kyle is right. You have to watch your language. 271 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,990 See, that's what I'm gonna be teaching my new kids on my new team. 272 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,028 You have a new team? 273 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:43,202 Oh, I didn't tell you? 274 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,130 Oh. 275 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,125 You know what, the league called me today. 276 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:50,537 And, apparently, one of the coaches of the other teams 277 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,470 got into a little skiing accident 278 00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:54,975 and they asked me to take over the Blue Jays. 279 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,478 (ALL GASPING) 280 00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,006 Why are we scared? 281 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,447 We can't win. 282 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,921 Because the Blue Jays are mean and nasty and huge. 283 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,121 And one of them looks like she shaves. 284 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,023 Well, I mean, it can't be that bad, huh? 285 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:11,925 See for yourself, baby, because we're gonna be playing you next week. 286 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,489 Jay, why did you do this? 287 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,956 Because I thought it would be fun. 288 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:26,607 Oh, Claire, you've seen your father's practice, right? 289 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,979 What plays are they using? 290 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,938 They don't have plays. 291 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,947 They just eat candy and run around in circles until they get dizzy. 292 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,880 Come on, Claire, don't lie to me. You gotta know something. 293 00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,122 Dad, she's crazy! 294 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,893 Stop torturing the girl. She doesn't know anything. 295 00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:49,001 Oh, could it be that somebody is a little frightened about the big game on Saturday? 296 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:53,570 You're the only one thinking about the big game. 297 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:57,540 And this is not a big game, it's actually as small a game as a game can get. 298 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,570 Waving the white flag already. 299 00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:01,936 Well, actually, I think we have a chance. 300 00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,235 (LAUGHING) 301 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,246 You do, now? 302 00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,918 That's right. That's right. Kady looked pretty damn good out there today. 303 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:08,918 What, Kady? 304 00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:12,019 I'm shaking in my boots about big, bad Kady. 305 00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:15,617 I give up. 306 00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:19,025 That's a good slogan for your team, "I give up." 307 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,971 Jay, how did you get so competitive? 308 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,340 There's a long story behind it. 309 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,338 Okay, never mind. 310 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,940 No. No, baby. I will feel much better if I told you the story. 311 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,684 Really? I'm sure I won't, but go ahead. 312 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,408 Stop kidding. All right. 313 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,114 Well, you may not believe this, 314 00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:40,976 but there was a time in my life 315 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:44,054 when I was what might be considered a big girl. 316 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,054 (CLEARS THROAT) 317 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,416 Really? Mmm-hmm. 318 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,092 Yes. 319 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:56,064 Now, at that time, I was seven years old, about 3'2" and 106 pounds. 320 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,300 No comment. Good. 321 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,338 My dad, the Marine sergeant, 322 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,340 thought it would be a good idea if I got some exercise. 323 00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:08,342 So, he signed me up to the little girls' soccer team. 324 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,075 To play what? The goalie? 325 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:13,280 Yes. They actually called me "The Wall." 326 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,423 The Wall. Nothing could get by me, baby. 327 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,378 I mean, I finally felt like somebody. 328 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,187 And the kids weren't teasing me singing, 329 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,419 (IN SINGSONG VOICE) "Fat, fat water rat, 330 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,223 "go and scratch your hairy back." 331 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:28,126 I can't tell you what a turnoff this story is. 332 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,061 Anyway, I was hot... 333 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,257 Nothing could get by me. 334 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,128 I became popular. 335 00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,065 But then, in the middle of the season 336 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,201 Coach Gonzales replaces me 337 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,736 with Patty Martin! 338 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,540 This skinny little, whiney little twerp 339 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,613 because he wanted to give her a chance to play. 340 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,683 Oh yeah, throw in the asthmatic! 341 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,252 Just throw in the asthmatic! 342 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,248 Needless to say we were back to losing 343 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,024 and not long after that 344 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,190 the kids were back to calling me 345 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,591 "Fat, fat, water rat! 346 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,192 Go and scratch your hairy back. 347 00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:58,534 Skinny legs and smelly crack! 348 00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,258 You look like a quarterback. 349 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,225 I hope you're not planning on having sex tonight. 350 00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,601 All right, girls, we ready to have some fun out here? 351 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,337 ALL: Yeah! 352 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,612 Okay. Remember, I want you to keep that energy up. 353 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,611 And how do we keep our energy up? 354 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,653 Two words, "Pixie Stix." 355 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,278 ALL: Yeah! 356 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,584 All right, here. I want you to take some and pass the rest. 357 00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,386 Everybody get some. 358 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,518 Now, Melissa, remember, you're our goalie. 359 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,224 You gotta keeps your eyes on the ball at all times. 360 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,487 Just pretend that the ball is Justin Timberlake. 361 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,555 (IN SINGSONG VOICE) Melissa likes boys. Melissa likes boys. 362 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,195 I like boys. 363 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,570 But I don't just like boys. 364 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:42,138 I like flowers. I like puppies. I like science. 365 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,639 I like math. I like these! 366 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,571 Okay, okay. Melissa, no, no, no. Calm down. 367 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,336 Give me more! No more. No more. You're cut off. 368 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:49,505 You're cut off. No more of these. 369 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,482 All right. Look. 370 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,381 I want you guys to know that no matter what happens out there today, 371 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,584 I believe in you, okay? And I'm proud to be your coach. 372 00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,287 And there's not a team in the world 373 00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:00,719 that we should be afraid to play. 374 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:02,293 Oh, yeah? 375 00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:04,293 Look. 376 00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:07,458 Oh, my God. 377 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:16,201 Blue Jays and I would like to wish you good luck. 378 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,506 May the better team win. Wish them luck, Blue Jays. 379 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,138 ALL: Good luck! 380 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,443 Wait a minute. Are you sure these are all girls? 381 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,375 Of course they are girls, Michael. 382 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,681 All of them? 383 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,119 What about... 384 00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,318 (SNIFFING) 385 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,579 ...this one? 386 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,187 Oh, Inga? 387 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,519 That's our secret weapon. 388 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:38,163 She's from East Germany. Raised under a power line. 389 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,391 Still don't explain why she look like she's wearing a cup. 390 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:44,528 Do you want to chat or would you like to play some soccer? 391 00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,465 (ALL CHEERING) 392 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,476 (SPECTATORS CHEERING) 393 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,148 Yes! 394 00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:04,550 (WHISTLE BLOWING) 395 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,252 (ALL CHEERING) 396 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,434 Defense! Block the... Block the ball. 397 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,660 (SPECTATORS CHEERING) 398 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,295 (WHOOPING) 399 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,341 (WHOOPING) Get up! 400 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,307 (ALL SCREAMING) 401 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,410 Inga! Inga! Inga! 402 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,281 Yes! 403 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,713 It's all right. It's all right. We're still in the game. 404 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,617 We're still in the game. Come on. Get up. Get up. Whoo! 405 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:39,219 Thirteen-to-nothing with 15 seconds left. 406 00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:40,452 I could let you forfeit the game, baby. 407 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,487 No, no. That's all right. My girls are having fun out here. 408 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:45,532 Okay. Don't say I didn't give you the chance. 409 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,628 (SPECTATORS CHEERING) 410 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,600 Kick to me! Kick to me! 411 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,499 That's it. Kick! Kick! 412 00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,643 Oh, no! God! She did it! She made a goal! 413 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,319 (ALL CHEERING) 414 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:27,833 There you go. 415 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:33,237 Mmm. Well, I see that the Blue Jays are celebrating their victory dinner, huh? 416 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:37,443 Why don't we be a good sport and say congratulations to the Blue Jays, huh, Robins? 417 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:40,907 ALL: Congratulations, Blue Jays. 418 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:44,447 Well, actually, we are not celebrating our victory. 419 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,294 Then what are you celebrating? 420 00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:49,289 We're celebrating my retirement from coaching. 421 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:50,862 (ALL CHEERING) 422 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,964 Oh, no. Don't go. Inga, don't. 423 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,395 Inga! Inga, stop that. (SOBBING) No! 424 00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,331 Inga, it's all right. It's all right, girl. Sit down. 425 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,637 I need you. I understand. Sit down. 426 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:09,408 Oh, I'm sorry. I've been acting ridiculously. 427 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:10,812 Will you forgive me? 428 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,553 Of course I forgive you. 429 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,349 But why this sudden change of heart? 430 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,551 It made me realize what I had been missing all these years. 431 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,353 What, medication? 432 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,518 No. Fun. 433 00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:22,494 Good for you. 434 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,322 She was great, wasn't she? 435 00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:28,327 Yes. Come here, baby. That was a great goal. I was so proud of you. 436 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:29,361 Thank you, Mommy. 437 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,526 Hey, let's get the kids some drinks. 438 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,803 No, no, no. You stay here. I'll get it. 439 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,832 Okay. Bring Inga a beer. 440 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,640 Baby. Yeah? 441 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:42,342 Glad you're finally able to let this whole winning thing go. 442 00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,475 Me, too. It's a real relief. 443 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,848 13-to-1, suckers. 444 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,921 Kady voted for me. 445 00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:57,063 Well, actually, it wasn't Kady. It was Consuela... 446 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,489 Consuel... 447 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:00,932 (MAN LAUGHING) 448 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,900 Well, actually, it wasn't Kady. It was Cons... Cons... 449 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:08,001 It wasn't Kady. It was Maria Consuela. 450 00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,342 What's her name? 451 00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:15,514 WOMAN: Maria Martina. 452 00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,482 Martina. Maria Martina. 453 00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:18,880 Well, actually, it wasn't Kady. 454 00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,851 It was Martina Martola... 455 00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,847 Maria Martina.