1 00:00:00,199 --> 00:00:01,998 Announcer: This program is rated TV ma-l 2 00:00:01,999 --> 00:00:03,998 and contains strong language and adult content. 3 00:00:03,999 --> 00:00:05,498 Viewer discretion advised. 4 00:00:06,499 --> 00:00:08,498 - All aboard! 5 00:00:08,499 --> 00:00:13,498 [Evil laughter] 6 00:00:13,499 --> 00:00:15,499 - [Voice echoing] We are high priests. Warlocks. 7 00:00:17,499 --> 00:00:20,498 We're Vatican assassins. 8 00:00:20,499 --> 00:00:23,499 This rock star must make them weep. 9 00:00:29,499 --> 00:00:33,498 I'm an f-18, bro. 10 00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:39,498 - [Singing] I'm going off the rails on a crazy train 11 00:00:39,499 --> 00:00:47,498 I'm going off the rails on a crazy train 12 00:00:47,499 --> 00:00:51,499 - this is the "comedy central roast of Charlie sheen." 13 00:00:55,499 --> 00:00:58,498 And now, please welcome your roastmaster, 14 00:00:58,499 --> 00:01:01,498 Seth macfarlane. 15 00:01:01,499 --> 00:01:03,499 [Cheers and applause] 16 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:08,499 - Ladies and gentlemen... 17 00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:14,498 Thank you. 18 00:01:14,499 --> 00:01:15,498 Thank you very much. 19 00:01:15,499 --> 00:01:17,498 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 20 00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:18,498 I'm Seth macfarlane, 21 00:01:18,499 --> 00:01:21,498 and, yes, the big night is finally here. 22 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:26,498 Welcome to the "comedy central roast of Charlie sheen." 23 00:01:26,499 --> 00:01:30,498 [Cheers and applause] 24 00:01:30,499 --> 00:01:33,498 Yes, we're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest 25 00:01:33,499 --> 00:01:37,498 a man who was great in two things 25 years ago, 26 00:01:37,499 --> 00:01:39,498 Charlie sheen. 27 00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:42,498 Actually, there's a lot of sheen on TV 28 00:01:42,499 --> 00:01:43,498 this evening when this show airs. 29 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:45,498 Tonight on "two and a half men," 30 00:01:45,499 --> 00:01:47,498 they're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral, 31 00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:48,498 believe it or not. 32 00:01:48,499 --> 00:01:50,498 There's no need to switch over, though. 33 00:01:50,499 --> 00:01:51,498 Just wait a few months. 34 00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:53,498 You can probably see the real thing. 35 00:01:53,499 --> 00:01:58,498 [Laughter] 36 00:01:58,499 --> 00:02:01,498 I mean, we all know there's a good chance 37 00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:02,498 Charlie will be dead soon, 38 00:02:02,499 --> 00:02:06,499 so I wrote an o-- an obituary. 39 00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:11,498 "Charlie sheen, who became a tabloid fixture 40 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,498 "due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, 41 00:02:14,499 --> 00:02:15,498 was found dead in his apartment--" 42 00:02:15,499 --> 00:02:17,498 actually, you know what? 43 00:02:17,499 --> 00:02:22,498 I kind of actually just copied Amy winehouse's obituary. 44 00:02:22,499 --> 00:02:25,498 It's--it's--I only had to change three things, though. 45 00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:27,498 The sex of the deceased, the location of the body, 46 00:02:27,499 --> 00:02:30,499 and the part that says, "a talent that will be missed." 47 00:02:35,499 --> 00:02:40,498 - We love Charlie! 48 00:02:40,499 --> 00:02:41,498 - All right. So I know Tyson's 49 00:02:41,499 --> 00:02:42,498 not gonna kick the shit out of me. 50 00:02:42,499 --> 00:02:44,498 That's good news. 51 00:02:44,499 --> 00:02:46,498 So we're gonna take a few pokes at him here tonight, 52 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:50,498 but there is no denying that Charlie sheen is an icon. 53 00:02:50,499 --> 00:02:53,498 You've seen him on TV. You've seen him in movies. 54 00:02:53,499 --> 00:02:54,498 And if you're a prostitute, 55 00:02:54,499 --> 00:02:56,498 you've seen him point a gun at your face 56 00:02:56,499 --> 00:02:57,499 while you try to get him hard. 57 00:03:01,499 --> 00:03:03,498 I tell you, look at this dais behind me. 58 00:03:03,499 --> 00:03:05,498 These are a bunch of nobodies. 59 00:03:05,499 --> 00:03:06,498 I honestly cannot tell where the dais ends 60 00:03:06,499 --> 00:03:08,498 and the audience begins. 61 00:03:08,499 --> 00:03:12,498 It's all kind of blending together. 62 00:03:12,499 --> 00:03:14,498 Mike Tyson is here. 63 00:03:14,499 --> 00:03:20,498 [Cheers and applause] 64 00:03:20,499 --> 00:03:24,498 - Fucking-- - Mike--what the fuck? 65 00:03:24,499 --> 00:03:26,498 You're retired. Fix your fucking teeth. 66 00:03:26,499 --> 00:03:28,498 For God sakes. 67 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:31,498 You know, George foreman at least is making money 68 00:03:31,499 --> 00:03:35,499 off his shitty grill. 69 00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:41,498 We've--we've got the great William shatner, 70 00:03:41,499 --> 00:03:42,498 of course. 71 00:03:42,499 --> 00:03:47,498 [Cheers and applause] 72 00:03:47,499 --> 00:03:50,498 Who's been getting rave reviews for his new interview show, 73 00:03:50,499 --> 00:03:53,498 "raw nerve," where he asks the tough questions 74 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,498 others are afraid to ask of people like weird Al yankovic, 75 00:03:56,499 --> 00:04:00,498 kelsey grammer, and Scott baio. 76 00:04:00,499 --> 00:04:03,498 Who the--who the fuck is booking that show? 77 00:04:03,499 --> 00:04:04,498 Are they-- 78 00:04:04,499 --> 00:04:05,498 are they just using a page 79 00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:08,498 from Kate Walsh's 1987 diary entry entitled, 80 00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:10,498 "guys I need to blow to get started in Hollywood"? 81 00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:14,498 Is that-- 82 00:04:14,499 --> 00:04:16,498 - Kate's not old enough for that stuff, man. 83 00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:19,498 - Kate, why are you here? What are you doing here? 84 00:04:19,499 --> 00:04:21,498 You should not be here. 85 00:04:21,499 --> 00:04:23,498 Steve-O from "jackass" is here! 86 00:04:23,499 --> 00:04:28,498 [Cheers and applause] 87 00:04:28,499 --> 00:04:30,498 Look at him. 88 00:04:30,499 --> 00:04:32,498 He's always got that shit-eating grin on his face... 89 00:04:32,499 --> 00:04:35,498 From eating shit. 90 00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:37,498 - [Cackling] 91 00:04:37,499 --> 00:04:38,498 - So, Charlie sheen, 92 00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:41,498 this is a man who lives like his hearse is double-parked, 93 00:04:41,499 --> 00:04:43,498 so while we still have time, 94 00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:45,498 let's take a look back at the work 95 00:04:45,499 --> 00:04:50,498 that paid for all that cocaine. 96 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:55,498 - Gentlemen... He's back. 97 00:04:55,499 --> 00:04:56,498 - Hey, buddy. 98 00:04:56,499 --> 00:04:57,498 - And they're off and running. 99 00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:59,498 - Now cool off. 100 00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:01,498 - Oh, I am cool. 101 00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:05,498 You should see me when I'm hot. 102 00:05:05,499 --> 00:05:06,498 - What are you looking at? 103 00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:08,498 - What are you smiling at, huh? 104 00:05:08,499 --> 00:05:10,498 - How many yachts can you water-ski behind? 105 00:05:10,499 --> 00:05:12,498 How much is enough? 106 00:05:12,499 --> 00:05:14,498 - I am your daughter. - No, you're not. 107 00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:15,498 - Aah! - Gah! 108 00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:17,498 - Are too, too, too, too, too... 109 00:05:17,499 --> 00:05:18,498 - Not, not, not, not, not, not... 110 00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:20,498 - "Are too" times ten. 111 00:05:20,499 --> 00:05:22,498 - Tiger blood. Yes, it's real. 112 00:05:22,499 --> 00:05:23,498 It's as real as me. 113 00:05:23,499 --> 00:05:25,498 - [Singing] It's the eye of the tiger 114 00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,498 it's the thrill of the fight 115 00:05:27,499 --> 00:05:33,498 rising up to the challenge of our rivals 116 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:34,498 - we got warrants! We're the law! 117 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:36,498 - Golf clap? - Golf clap. 118 00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:40,498 - [Singing] And he's watching us all with the eye 119 00:05:40,499 --> 00:05:43,498 of the tiger [Tiger roars] 120 00:05:43,499 --> 00:05:45,498 - Some are saying that you're bipolar. 121 00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:47,498 - I'm bi-winning. Winning! 122 00:05:47,499 --> 00:05:49,498 - Charlie sheen has got to be on drugs again. 123 00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:50,498 - Sure. - Drugs? 124 00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:52,498 - I am on a drug. It's called Charlie sheen. 125 00:05:52,499 --> 00:05:53,498 Reminder-- tiger blood. 126 00:05:53,499 --> 00:05:55,498 - [Singing] With a shot of tiger blood... 127 00:05:55,499 --> 00:05:57,498 - Winner, winner, chicken dinner--I don't think so. 128 00:05:57,499 --> 00:05:59,498 Winner, winner, sheen dinner! 129 00:05:59,499 --> 00:06:01,498 Winning. Pretty fucking cool, huh? 130 00:06:01,499 --> 00:06:03,498 - Due to pending legal action, 131 00:06:03,499 --> 00:06:04,498 we are unable to show you a scene 132 00:06:04,499 --> 00:06:07,498 from "two and a half men" at this time. 133 00:06:07,499 --> 00:06:10,498 - Strike this motherfucker out. 134 00:06:10,499 --> 00:06:11,499 - Wild thing delivers. 135 00:06:16,499 --> 00:06:20,498 - You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on. 136 00:06:20,499 --> 00:06:21,499 - Check. 137 00:06:25,499 --> 00:06:27,498 - You know, I've lived a pretty wild life, 138 00:06:27,499 --> 00:06:30,498 with the drinking and the hookers and the drugs 139 00:06:30,499 --> 00:06:31,498 and the hookers. 140 00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:32,498 - Ugh. You're such a pig. 141 00:06:32,499 --> 00:06:34,498 - You know, usually I have to date a woman 142 00:06:34,499 --> 00:06:36,498 before she treats me this way. 143 00:06:36,499 --> 00:06:37,498 - There's my life. Deal with it. 144 00:06:37,499 --> 00:06:40,499 It's on. Bring it. Winning. Buh-bye. 145 00:06:42,499 --> 00:06:46,498 [Cheers and applause] 146 00:06:46,499 --> 00:06:48,498 - And now, ladies and gentlemen, 147 00:06:48,499 --> 00:06:50,498 it's time to bring out the man of the hour. 148 00:06:50,499 --> 00:06:52,498 He went from "Ferris Bueller's day off" 149 00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,498 to having every day off. 150 00:06:54,499 --> 00:06:57,498 Please welcome the rock star from Mars, 151 00:06:57,499 --> 00:06:59,498 Charlie sheen. 152 00:06:59,499 --> 00:07:01,498 [Cheers and applause] 153 00:07:01,499 --> 00:07:05,498 [Train whistle blows] 154 00:07:05,499 --> 00:07:11,499 [Rock music] 155 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:38,498 - Wow. Wow! 156 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,499 Wow! Wow! 157 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:49,498 Wow. Wow, wow, wow. 158 00:07:49,499 --> 00:07:51,498 Wow. 159 00:07:51,499 --> 00:07:53,498 Unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. 160 00:07:53,499 --> 00:07:54,498 - Have fun. 161 00:07:54,499 --> 00:07:56,498 - Slash! 162 00:07:56,499 --> 00:07:59,498 [Cheers and applause] 163 00:07:59,499 --> 00:08:02,498 How are you, Seth? - Charlie. 164 00:08:02,499 --> 00:08:05,208 - Ahh. Thank you. 165 00:08:05,209 --> 00:08:07,498 - There he sits, the man of the hour. 166 00:08:07,499 --> 00:08:09,498 Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, 167 00:08:09,499 --> 00:08:11,498 but with all the porn stars you've banged, 168 00:08:11,499 --> 00:08:13,498 it's probably just Tiger Woods' blood, 169 00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:15,499 I'm guessing. 170 00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:21,498 You have a lot of nicknames for yourself. 171 00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:23,498 You say you're a Vatican assassin, 172 00:08:23,499 --> 00:08:24,498 whatever that is. 173 00:08:24,499 --> 00:08:26,498 Charlie, the Vatican does not have assassins. 174 00:08:26,499 --> 00:08:27,498 - No. 175 00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:28,498 - If they want to shut someone up, 176 00:08:28,499 --> 00:08:29,498 they just buy 'em ice cream 177 00:08:29,499 --> 00:08:32,499 and tell 'em if they talk, Jesus will kill their parents. 178 00:08:37,499 --> 00:08:40,498 Now, as you may know, 179 00:08:40,499 --> 00:08:42,498 Charlie sheen is not his birth name. 180 00:08:42,499 --> 00:08:46,499 His original Spanish name is señor drugs. 181 00:08:48,499 --> 00:08:49,498 Kidding aside, though, 182 00:08:49,499 --> 00:08:52,498 Carlos estevez took his dad's name, 183 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,498 yes, to gain credibility as an actor. 184 00:08:54,499 --> 00:08:56,498 I've seen your films, 185 00:08:56,499 --> 00:08:58,498 and you don't really act like a sheen. 186 00:08:58,499 --> 00:09:00,498 But, you know, with your rap sheet 187 00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:01,498 and briefcases of coke, 188 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,499 you're definitely acting like a Carlos. 189 00:09:05,499 --> 00:09:08,083 Charlie went on to star in TV and film, 190 00:09:08,084 --> 00:09:09,498 both drama and comedy. 191 00:09:09,499 --> 00:09:10,498 He was the star of "hot shots"... 192 00:09:10,499 --> 00:09:15,375 [Cheers and applause] 193 00:09:15,376 --> 00:09:16,498 Which is also what Charlie feels 194 00:09:16,499 --> 00:09:17,498 when he takes a piss. 195 00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:20,498 [Laughter] 196 00:09:20,499 --> 00:09:22,498 I really think you and Emilio should do a follow-up 197 00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:24,498 to the movie "men at work," 198 00:09:24,499 --> 00:09:26,498 and you can call it "men who don't work anymore." 199 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,498 Right? That would be... 200 00:09:28,499 --> 00:09:30,498 I'll help-- I'll help you write that. 201 00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:33,498 But, uh, of course a very public meltdown 202 00:09:33,499 --> 00:09:34,498 changed the landscape. 203 00:09:34,499 --> 00:09:35,498 It's interesting, 204 00:09:35,499 --> 00:09:37,498 when you think about the firing of Charlie sheen 205 00:09:37,499 --> 00:09:39,498 tells you all you really need to know about Hollywood. 206 00:09:39,499 --> 00:09:42,498 You can abuse drugs. You can abuse your spouse. 207 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,498 You can trash hotel rooms. 208 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,498 You can solicit prostitutes. 209 00:09:45,499 --> 00:09:47,498 But don't you ever, ever call a Jewish guy 210 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,499 by his actual Jewish name. 211 00:09:58,499 --> 00:10:01,498 Charlie has found ways to make money, though, since the firing. 212 00:10:01,499 --> 00:10:03,498 He's got is own iPhone app. 213 00:10:03,499 --> 00:10:04,498 It's amazing, actually. 214 00:10:04,499 --> 00:10:07,498 You type in your height, your weight, your date of birth, 215 00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:09,498 you answer a few questions about your personality, 216 00:10:09,499 --> 00:10:11,498 and then it shoots Kelly Preston. 217 00:10:11,499 --> 00:10:13,499 [Laughs] Sorry. 218 00:10:22,075 --> 00:10:25,074 He is dependent upon no man and no thing... 219 00:10:25,075 --> 00:10:28,074 Except crack, Jack, crank, meth, ludes, 220 00:10:28,075 --> 00:10:30,074 Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers, poppers, 221 00:10:30,075 --> 00:10:31,074 "e," nitrous, dust, hash, 222 00:10:31,075 --> 00:10:35,074 and this one boner medicine from Norway. 223 00:10:35,075 --> 00:10:38,074 He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it 224 00:10:38,075 --> 00:10:40,075 is called a "sheenis." 225 00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,074 - Wow. 226 00:10:45,075 --> 00:10:47,075 Wow. 227 00:10:51,075 --> 00:10:52,074 - He's still with us, Charlie sheen. 228 00:10:52,075 --> 00:10:55,284 In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday... 229 00:10:55,285 --> 00:10:58,074 [Cheers and applause] - Thank you. 230 00:10:58,075 --> 00:11:01,074 Thank you. 231 00:11:01,075 --> 00:11:04,074 - A statement no one thought we would ever hear-- 232 00:11:04,075 --> 00:11:09,074 kind of like, "get jeselnik on the phone." 233 00:11:09,075 --> 00:11:11,074 Or... 234 00:11:11,075 --> 00:11:16,074 Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it." 235 00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:19,075 Or jon lovitz saying, "one cock at a time, please." 236 00:11:27,075 --> 00:11:30,074 Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry 237 00:11:30,075 --> 00:11:31,074 at the Plaza hotel. 238 00:11:31,075 --> 00:11:33,074 I want to tell you though, Charlie, I think she's lying, 239 00:11:33,075 --> 00:11:34,074 'cause I saw the scene 240 00:11:34,075 --> 00:11:36,074 where you got arrested in "wall street." 241 00:11:36,075 --> 00:11:38,075 You can't even make yourself cry. 242 00:11:44,075 --> 00:11:47,074 But, you know, with all those "dangerous jobs" shows on TV, 243 00:11:47,075 --> 00:11:49,074 like the ones about crab fishing, ice road trucking, 244 00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,074 why is there no show 245 00:11:51,075 --> 00:11:53,074 about the most dangerous job out there-- 246 00:11:53,075 --> 00:11:57,074 being an escort for Charlie sheen? 247 00:11:57,075 --> 00:11:59,074 How long must we wait for the first season 248 00:11:59,075 --> 00:12:00,074 of "deadliest snatch"? 249 00:12:00,075 --> 00:12:03,074 I'm ready to see that right-- 250 00:12:03,075 --> 00:12:07,074 right now. 251 00:12:07,075 --> 00:12:08,074 Honestly, Charlie, 252 00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:10,074 I never thought I would live to see the night 253 00:12:10,075 --> 00:12:11,074 that you would live to see this night. 254 00:12:11,075 --> 00:12:13,074 I really didn't. 255 00:12:13,075 --> 00:12:18,074 And now our first roaster, jon lovitz. 256 00:12:18,075 --> 00:12:20,074 [Cheers and applause] 257 00:12:20,075 --> 00:12:23,074 He was one of the stars of a "Saturday night live" cast 258 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:27,075 that the critics have hailed as "not the worst." 259 00:12:33,075 --> 00:12:36,074 I think of jon lovitz when I think of wit. 260 00:12:36,075 --> 00:12:37,074 And I also think of jon lovitz 261 00:12:37,075 --> 00:12:39,074 when I want to keep from coming too soon. 262 00:12:39,075 --> 00:12:42,074 He's... 263 00:12:42,075 --> 00:12:44,074 At his old job on "snl," 264 00:12:44,075 --> 00:12:46,074 he coined the phrase, "that's the ticket," 265 00:12:46,075 --> 00:12:48,074 a line that he still uses in his current job 266 00:12:48,075 --> 00:12:50,074 as a valet parking attendant. 267 00:12:50,075 --> 00:12:52,074 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star 268 00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,074 of "two and a half chins," 269 00:12:53,075 --> 00:12:55,074 one of my favorite "snl" comics ever, 270 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,074 jon lovitz. 271 00:12:57,075 --> 00:13:00,075 [Cheers and applause] 272 00:13:09,075 --> 00:13:13,074 - Thank you for that introduction, Seth macfarlane. 273 00:13:13,075 --> 00:13:15,074 Anyway, I am jon lovitz, 274 00:13:15,075 --> 00:13:17,074 although I think most of you know me by my stage name-- 275 00:13:17,075 --> 00:13:19,074 j-lo. 276 00:13:19,075 --> 00:13:21,074 Thank you. 277 00:13:21,075 --> 00:13:22,074 Well, look at this dais. 278 00:13:22,075 --> 00:13:25,074 Oh, you know, my good friend Harvey levin from "tmz" 279 00:13:25,075 --> 00:13:27,074 was supposed to be here tonight, 280 00:13:27,075 --> 00:13:31,074 but he got stuck in his boyfriend. 281 00:13:31,075 --> 00:13:34,074 Genius! Thank you. 282 00:13:34,075 --> 00:13:36,074 And we've got my old friend, Mike Tyson is here. 283 00:13:36,075 --> 00:13:37,074 Yes, sir. 284 00:13:37,075 --> 00:13:40,074 You know, his boxing nickname is iron Mike, 285 00:13:40,075 --> 00:13:42,074 which is what the guards used to scream at him 286 00:13:42,075 --> 00:13:43,074 in the prison laundry. 287 00:13:43,075 --> 00:13:47,074 - I don't do that anymore, jon. 288 00:13:47,075 --> 00:13:49,074 - Well, I know you don't do that anymore. 289 00:13:49,075 --> 00:13:51,074 You're not in prison anymore. 290 00:13:51,075 --> 00:13:54,075 - Just making it clear. 291 00:13:57,075 --> 00:14:00,074 - He's funny. 292 00:14:00,075 --> 00:14:03,074 Hey, how did Amy schumer get here? 293 00:14:03,075 --> 00:14:05,074 I'd ask whose dick she sucked to get on the dais, 294 00:14:05,075 --> 00:14:07,074 but she's dating Anthony jeselnik, 295 00:14:07,075 --> 00:14:09,074 so I'll just ask him. 296 00:14:09,075 --> 00:14:14,075 Anthony, whose dick did Amy suck to get on the dais? 297 00:14:15,075 --> 00:14:18,074 Who else is-- oh, hello, Steve-O. 298 00:14:18,075 --> 00:14:19,074 Yes, sir. 299 00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,074 Talked to Steve-O this morning. 300 00:14:20,075 --> 00:14:22,074 I said, "how's your day going?" 301 00:14:22,075 --> 00:14:25,074 He said, "great. I woke up, took a big shit, 302 00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:27,075 then got out of bed"... 303 00:14:30,075 --> 00:14:33,074 And Kate Walsh is here. 304 00:14:33,075 --> 00:14:34,074 She plays a baby doctor on her show. 305 00:14:34,075 --> 00:14:37,074 She actually thinks she's one in real life. 306 00:14:37,075 --> 00:14:38,074 You know, Kate could play younger roles, 307 00:14:38,075 --> 00:14:40,074 but, uh, she lacks one thing: 308 00:14:40,075 --> 00:14:43,075 Moisture. 309 00:14:45,075 --> 00:14:48,074 - It's true. 310 00:14:48,075 --> 00:14:50,074 Very dry. 311 00:14:50,075 --> 00:14:52,074 - You know, unlike all you people on this dais, 312 00:14:52,075 --> 00:14:54,074 I, uh-- I actually know Charlie, 313 00:14:54,075 --> 00:14:59,074 and I'm famous. 314 00:14:59,075 --> 00:15:00,074 No, he's my friend. 315 00:15:00,075 --> 00:15:01,074 I've known him for about 18 years, 316 00:15:01,075 --> 00:15:03,074 and I can tell you he's nothing like the character 317 00:15:03,075 --> 00:15:07,074 he plays on "tmz." 318 00:15:07,075 --> 00:15:10,074 And people say, "oh, he's crazy," 319 00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:12,074 you know, just because he likes beautiful women 320 00:15:12,075 --> 00:15:14,074 to come to his house, have sex with him, 321 00:15:14,075 --> 00:15:15,074 and then leave. 322 00:15:15,075 --> 00:15:17,075 What a nut. 323 00:15:21,075 --> 00:15:23,074 First time I hung out with Charlie 324 00:15:23,075 --> 00:15:25,074 was at his house after the super bowl. 325 00:15:25,075 --> 00:15:27,074 Bunch of hot chicks showed up, and... 326 00:15:27,075 --> 00:15:30,074 I looked up, I saw my old girlfriend, and... 327 00:15:30,075 --> 00:15:35,074 Charlie put his arm around me and said, "pick a hooker." 328 00:15:35,075 --> 00:15:40,074 First time in my life I cried and came at the same time. 329 00:15:40,075 --> 00:15:42,075 No, it wasn't. 330 00:15:45,075 --> 00:15:46,074 And now a joke. 331 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:48,074 How much blow can Charlie sheen do? 332 00:15:48,075 --> 00:15:51,074 Enough to kill "two and a half men." 333 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:55,075 [Laughter and applause] 334 00:15:58,075 --> 00:16:02,074 I'm kidding. The man is misunderstood. 335 00:16:02,075 --> 00:16:04,074 Eight-balls of heroin-- bad for you? 336 00:16:04,075 --> 00:16:05,074 Or as Charlie sees it, 337 00:16:05,075 --> 00:16:08,074 the most important meal of the day. 338 00:16:08,075 --> 00:16:10,074 Now, sure, things got pretty crazy for a while. 339 00:16:10,075 --> 00:16:12,074 He was all mixed up. 340 00:16:12,075 --> 00:16:14,074 But he knew it was time to get straight 341 00:16:14,075 --> 00:16:15,074 when he put his dick in his coke 342 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:18,074 and his razor in his hooker. 343 00:16:18,075 --> 00:16:20,074 And did you know Charlie's-- 344 00:16:20,075 --> 00:16:22,074 according to the torah, he's Jewish? 345 00:16:22,075 --> 00:16:24,074 And not because his mother's a Jew, 346 00:16:24,075 --> 00:16:26,074 but because CBS paid him $50 million 347 00:16:26,075 --> 00:16:29,075 and he still sued the network. 348 00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:36,074 Now, listen, despite what you read, 349 00:16:36,075 --> 00:16:39,074 Charlie's still close to all of his exes. 350 00:16:39,075 --> 00:16:40,074 Why, well, just recently, 351 00:16:40,075 --> 00:16:42,074 he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico... 352 00:16:42,075 --> 00:16:44,074 Where he banged her ass so hard, 353 00:16:44,075 --> 00:16:46,075 three balloons of coke fell out. 354 00:16:51,075 --> 00:16:53,074 But Charlie's a gentleman. 355 00:16:53,075 --> 00:16:56,075 He put them back in. 356 00:16:59,075 --> 00:17:01,074 Picture it! 357 00:17:01,075 --> 00:17:03,074 Thank you. 358 00:17:03,075 --> 00:17:09,075 [Cheers and applause] 359 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,074 - All right. 360 00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:18,074 Our next roaster is Kate Walsh. 361 00:17:18,075 --> 00:17:21,074 [Cheers and applause] 362 00:17:21,075 --> 00:17:24,074 Why are you here? 363 00:17:24,075 --> 00:17:26,074 Let me say that it is a thrill 364 00:17:26,075 --> 00:17:30,075 to be around the hottest, sexiest woman of 2002. 365 00:17:32,075 --> 00:17:34,074 Let's give a big round of meno-plause 366 00:17:34,075 --> 00:17:38,074 for the beautiful and talented Kate Walsh. 367 00:17:38,075 --> 00:17:42,075 [Cheers and applause] 368 00:17:51,075 --> 00:17:52,074 - Seth macfarlane, 369 00:17:52,075 --> 00:17:53,074 the only difference between you 370 00:17:53,075 --> 00:17:55,074 and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet 371 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,074 is that the hooker eventually came out. 372 00:17:57,075 --> 00:18:01,075 [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] 373 00:18:06,075 --> 00:18:09,074 After years of playing a doctor on "grey's anatomy" 374 00:18:09,075 --> 00:18:10,074 and "private practice," 375 00:18:10,075 --> 00:18:12,074 people actually think I'm a real doctor, 376 00:18:12,075 --> 00:18:13,074 so I figured, "fuck it. 377 00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:16,074 "I'm gonna start giving some professional diagnoses 378 00:18:16,075 --> 00:18:18,074 to these people over here." 379 00:18:18,075 --> 00:18:21,074 For instance, Jeff Ross, 380 00:18:21,075 --> 00:18:22,826 your results have come back, 381 00:18:22,827 --> 00:18:24,074 and I'm going to tell you something 382 00:18:24,075 --> 00:18:28,074 that you have never heard about any of your TV pilots. 383 00:18:28,075 --> 00:18:32,074 You tested positive. 384 00:18:32,075 --> 00:18:35,074 Congratulations, Jeff. 385 00:18:35,075 --> 00:18:36,074 And, Jeff, listen, 386 00:18:36,075 --> 00:18:38,074 I know you're concerned about your complexion, 387 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,074 but you have to stop letting Mike Tyson 388 00:18:41,075 --> 00:18:43,075 come all over your face. 389 00:18:55,075 --> 00:18:56,074 - He looks good. I like the way he looks. 390 00:18:56,075 --> 00:18:58,074 - Thank you very much. 391 00:18:58,075 --> 00:19:00,074 - People ask me all the time, "what is good cholesterol?" 392 00:19:00,075 --> 00:19:03,074 Like I know, but look, there's a lot of debate. 393 00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:06,074 I think we can all agree that good cholesterol is anything 394 00:19:06,075 --> 00:19:09,075 that gives jon lovitz a fatal heart attack. 395 00:19:14,075 --> 00:19:16,075 Jon lovitz. 396 00:19:21,075 --> 00:19:24,074 Oh. 397 00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:26,575 No, wake up, jon. There's more. 398 00:19:30,945 --> 00:19:32,944 But I have to break doctor-patient confidentiality. 399 00:19:32,945 --> 00:19:34,944 Your results came back, 400 00:19:34,945 --> 00:19:36,944 and it turns out that that embarrassing, 401 00:19:36,945 --> 00:19:38,944 nasty parasite on your penis 402 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:40,945 is Amy schumer. 403 00:19:43,945 --> 00:19:46,944 And there is no cure. 404 00:19:46,945 --> 00:19:49,944 I'm so, so happy to see that William shatner is here, 405 00:19:49,945 --> 00:19:53,944 because a medical colleague told me that you passed on. 406 00:19:53,945 --> 00:19:56,944 I said, "bullshit. Have seen his resume? 407 00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:59,945 Shatner's never passed on anything." 408 00:20:04,945 --> 00:20:06,944 - Just wait. - [Laughs] 409 00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:08,944 [Rolls tongue] 410 00:20:08,945 --> 00:20:11,944 You look great. I mean, your skin is so tight. 411 00:20:11,945 --> 00:20:13,944 I can't tell if you've had a face-lift 412 00:20:13,945 --> 00:20:15,945 or vaginal rejuvenation. 413 00:20:18,945 --> 00:20:21,944 Patrice O'Neal, I understand you have diabetes, 414 00:20:21,945 --> 00:20:22,944 and as you know, 415 00:20:22,945 --> 00:20:25,944 this disease is very serious and often linked to a poor diet. 416 00:20:25,945 --> 00:20:27,944 So my advice is simple. 417 00:20:27,945 --> 00:20:30,945 Grape soda does not count as a fruit. 418 00:20:32,945 --> 00:20:36,944 Mr. sheen, the doctor will see you now. 419 00:20:36,945 --> 00:20:37,944 I have to say, Charlie, 420 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,944 you are an incredible medical specimen. 421 00:20:39,945 --> 00:20:41,944 I guess that's one of the benefits 422 00:20:41,945 --> 00:20:44,945 of waking up every morning at the crack of crack. 423 00:20:48,945 --> 00:20:49,944 And, you know, it's amazing. 424 00:20:49,945 --> 00:20:51,944 Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, 425 00:20:51,945 --> 00:20:53,944 your kidneys, your liver, 426 00:20:53,945 --> 00:20:56,945 the only thing you've had removed is your kids. 427 00:21:03,945 --> 00:21:06,944 Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes. 428 00:21:06,945 --> 00:21:07,944 He's the only guy who pulls a knife 429 00:21:07,945 --> 00:21:11,945 on a woman who's already willing to fuck him. 430 00:21:15,945 --> 00:21:16,944 - I'll drink to that. 431 00:21:16,945 --> 00:21:18,944 I'll drink to that. 432 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,944 - Mike will drink to that. 433 00:21:20,945 --> 00:21:23,944 But is Charlie really the worst guy here? 434 00:21:23,945 --> 00:21:25,944 So he made a chick blow him for 30 grand. 435 00:21:25,945 --> 00:21:27,944 Mike Tyson makes you blow him... 436 00:21:27,945 --> 00:21:30,944 [Imitating Mike tyson] "'Cause I said so. That's why." 437 00:21:30,945 --> 00:21:32,945 [Laughter] 438 00:21:37,945 --> 00:21:38,944 - I'll drink to that too. 439 00:21:38,945 --> 00:21:40,944 I'll drink... 440 00:21:40,945 --> 00:21:43,945 - Isn't that right, Steve-O? 441 00:21:47,945 --> 00:21:49,944 And so, Charlie, I'm happy to say, 442 00:21:49,945 --> 00:21:52,944 whether it's your adonis DNA, your tiger blood, 443 00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:54,944 or the drug called Charlie sheen, 444 00:21:54,945 --> 00:21:58,944 for some reason, you're able to defy science and medicine 445 00:21:58,945 --> 00:22:01,944 and continue to survive. 446 00:22:01,945 --> 00:22:05,944 I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week. 447 00:22:05,945 --> 00:22:08,944 Thank you so much. Good night. 448 00:22:08,945 --> 00:22:11,945 [Cheers and applause] 449 00:22:19,945 --> 00:22:20,944 - All right. 450 00:22:20,945 --> 00:22:22,944 Here comes Jeff Ross... 451 00:22:22,945 --> 00:22:27,944 [Cheers and applause] 452 00:22:27,945 --> 00:22:29,944 Who actually toured with Charlie. 453 00:22:29,945 --> 00:22:31,944 You know, I always thought Jeff was a terrible comic, 454 00:22:31,945 --> 00:22:33,944 until I learned that he actually is 455 00:22:33,945 --> 00:22:37,944 seriously, for real, mentally retarded. 456 00:22:37,945 --> 00:22:41,944 And now I think he's an inspiration and a hero. 457 00:22:41,945 --> 00:22:44,944 So please welcome America's special needs comedian, 458 00:22:44,945 --> 00:22:46,944 Jeff Ross. 459 00:22:46,945 --> 00:22:49,945 [Cheers and applause] 460 00:22:56,945 --> 00:22:59,944 - Give it up for the warlock! 461 00:22:59,945 --> 00:23:01,944 [Cheers and applause] 462 00:23:01,945 --> 00:23:05,944 Friends, roasters, enablers, 463 00:23:05,945 --> 00:23:09,945 lend Mike Tyson your ears. 464 00:23:13,945 --> 00:23:15,944 Because this lineup is so pathetic, 465 00:23:15,945 --> 00:23:19,945 I was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton kutcher. 466 00:23:22,945 --> 00:23:25,944 What a bunch of nobodies we're left with. 467 00:23:25,945 --> 00:23:28,945 Is this a roast or the republican primaries? 468 00:23:32,945 --> 00:23:35,944 - Fuck you, Jeff! - Thank you! 469 00:23:35,945 --> 00:23:38,944 I'm fuckin' scared of that guy. 470 00:23:38,945 --> 00:23:41,945 This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown? 471 00:23:43,945 --> 00:23:45,944 Charlie's meltdown was so bad, 472 00:23:45,945 --> 00:23:48,945 Al Gore's making a documentary about it. 473 00:23:51,945 --> 00:23:52,944 Tell us, Charlie. 474 00:23:52,945 --> 00:23:57,944 How do you go from being TV's highest-paid actor ever 475 00:23:57,945 --> 00:24:02,944 to being the highest actor ever to be on TV? 476 00:24:02,945 --> 00:24:05,944 Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke, 477 00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,945 he calls them the Hilton sisters. 478 00:24:13,945 --> 00:24:16,944 But listen, Charlie, after eight seasons, was it? 479 00:24:16,945 --> 00:24:18,944 Eight seasons of "two and a half men," 480 00:24:18,945 --> 00:24:21,945 it's great to finally see you doing a comedy show. 481 00:24:24,945 --> 00:24:26,944 You got so fucked by Ashton kutcher, 482 00:24:26,945 --> 00:24:29,945 your name should be demi Moore's vagina. 483 00:24:35,945 --> 00:24:36,944 Instead of getting his life together, 484 00:24:36,945 --> 00:24:39,944 Charlie went out on a national comedy tour... 485 00:24:39,945 --> 00:24:41,944 Where every night, Charlie, you walked on stage 486 00:24:41,945 --> 00:24:45,944 and you told the audience you were a warlock from Mars. 487 00:24:45,945 --> 00:24:46,944 Oh, maybe you are. 488 00:24:46,945 --> 00:24:48,944 But I'll tell you what you're not-- 489 00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:50,945 a comedian from earth. 490 00:24:55,945 --> 00:24:57,944 Charlie sheen is to stand-up 491 00:24:57,945 --> 00:25:00,945 what Larry flynt is to standing up. 492 00:25:06,945 --> 00:25:07,944 Charlie, if you're winning, 493 00:25:07,945 --> 00:25:10,945 then something's wrong with the fucking scoreboard. 494 00:25:13,945 --> 00:25:14,944 Come on, man. 495 00:25:14,945 --> 00:25:16,944 Charlie, if you're winning, 496 00:25:16,945 --> 00:25:19,945 then this must not be a child custody hearing. 497 00:25:21,945 --> 00:25:25,945 The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns. 498 00:25:27,945 --> 00:25:31,945 Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps? 499 00:25:35,945 --> 00:25:37,944 You're the black sheep of a family 500 00:25:37,945 --> 00:25:41,945 responsible for three "mighty ducks" movies. 501 00:25:43,945 --> 00:25:45,944 You make your own father ashamed 502 00:25:45,945 --> 00:25:48,945 that he shares the same fake name as you. 503 00:25:50,945 --> 00:25:52,944 Martin sheen and Emilio estevez 504 00:25:52,945 --> 00:25:53,944 said they would have been here tonight, 505 00:25:53,945 --> 00:25:56,945 but they had a family obligation. 506 00:26:05,945 --> 00:26:07,944 Charlie's never lonely. Don't worry. 507 00:26:07,945 --> 00:26:08,944 I've been up to that house. 508 00:26:08,945 --> 00:26:12,944 I can tell you that Charlie is stockpiling whores up there. 509 00:26:12,945 --> 00:26:14,944 The place is packed with whores. 510 00:26:14,945 --> 00:26:17,945 Charlie, you should be on "hoarders." 511 00:26:19,945 --> 00:26:21,944 Charlie sheen has paid for so much sex, 512 00:26:21,945 --> 00:26:25,945 he keeps his credit card under his balls to save time. 513 00:26:28,945 --> 00:26:30,944 Oh, poor Charlie. 514 00:26:30,945 --> 00:26:33,944 Poor Charlie has the weight of the world on his shoulders. 515 00:26:33,945 --> 00:26:35,944 And patrice O'Neal has it on his knees. 516 00:26:35,945 --> 00:26:38,944 [Giggles] 517 00:26:38,945 --> 00:26:40,944 Patrice, you told me you would never do a roast, 518 00:26:40,945 --> 00:26:44,945 and now here you are, you sickle-cell out! 519 00:26:46,945 --> 00:26:47,944 You like that one? 520 00:26:47,945 --> 00:26:49,944 I love you, patrice. 521 00:26:49,945 --> 00:26:51,945 Why are you dressed like a gay umpire? 522 00:26:56,945 --> 00:26:59,944 Anthony jeselnik, some say you're the next Greg giraldo. 523 00:26:59,945 --> 00:27:01,945 Let's hope so. 524 00:27:05,945 --> 00:27:07,944 Corbin bernsen show up? 525 00:27:07,945 --> 00:27:08,944 - Yes! 526 00:27:08,945 --> 00:27:09,944 - Where is he? 527 00:27:09,945 --> 00:27:11,944 Hey, buddy. How you doin', man? 528 00:27:11,945 --> 00:27:12,944 Star of "major league" with Charlie, 529 00:27:12,945 --> 00:27:13,944 that's cool. 530 00:27:13,945 --> 00:27:15,944 We didn't even invite him tonight. 531 00:27:15,945 --> 00:27:18,945 He called into a radio station and won tickets. 532 00:27:21,945 --> 00:27:23,944 Where's slash? There he is. 533 00:27:23,945 --> 00:27:25,944 Slash, you were awesome in the open of the show, man. 534 00:27:25,945 --> 00:27:27,944 That was cool. 535 00:27:27,945 --> 00:27:29,944 Always in that top hat, man. 536 00:27:29,945 --> 00:27:32,944 You're like the Abe Lincoln of rock and roll... 537 00:27:32,945 --> 00:27:34,944 Especially since you haven't had a hit 538 00:27:34,945 --> 00:27:36,944 in four score and seven years. 539 00:27:36,945 --> 00:27:38,945 Yeah. 540 00:27:42,945 --> 00:27:44,944 I'm kidding, slash. 541 00:27:44,945 --> 00:27:46,944 Thanks for playing my nephew's bar mitzvah last year. 542 00:27:46,945 --> 00:27:48,944 That was cool. 543 00:27:48,945 --> 00:27:51,944 That was really cool. 544 00:27:51,945 --> 00:27:54,944 And oh, wow, look at that. 545 00:27:54,945 --> 00:27:56,944 Looking good, Brooke Mueller. 546 00:27:56,945 --> 00:27:58,944 Charlie's ex. What's up, babe? 547 00:27:58,945 --> 00:27:59,944 - What's up? 548 00:27:59,945 --> 00:28:00,944 - She's not very bright 549 00:28:00,945 --> 00:28:03,945 unless Charlie's throwing a lamp at her. 550 00:28:05,945 --> 00:28:08,945 Too soon? 551 00:28:10,945 --> 00:28:12,944 Oh, jon lovitz. 552 00:28:12,945 --> 00:28:14,944 Great job tonight, man. That was funny. 553 00:28:14,945 --> 00:28:18,945 Nice to see you taking a break from taking a break. 554 00:28:21,945 --> 00:28:23,944 Jon, what's your catch phrase? 555 00:28:23,945 --> 00:28:25,945 "Chinning!" 556 00:28:30,945 --> 00:28:32,944 And there's our old roast honoree, 557 00:28:32,945 --> 00:28:34,944 William shatner, one of the coolest guys in the world. 558 00:28:34,945 --> 00:28:38,944 [Cheers and applause] 559 00:28:38,945 --> 00:28:40,944 I'm not gonna make fun of him, 560 00:28:40,945 --> 00:28:42,945 'cause he looks like he's on his final frontier. 561 00:28:44,945 --> 00:28:46,944 Hey, captain kirk, 562 00:28:46,945 --> 00:28:49,945 maybe Scotty can beam your balls up from the floor... 563 00:28:52,945 --> 00:28:54,944 You old pervert. 564 00:28:54,945 --> 00:28:56,944 Backstage he flashed Kate Walsh 565 00:28:56,945 --> 00:28:58,945 his graying anatomy. 566 00:29:04,878 --> 00:29:06,877 And of course, the "jackass" family 567 00:29:06,878 --> 00:29:09,877 suffered a terrible tragedy recently. 568 00:29:09,878 --> 00:29:11,878 Steve-O started doing stand-up. 569 00:29:13,878 --> 00:29:14,877 And I can't believe I get to sit 570 00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:16,877 next to the-- "iron" Mike Tyson, man, 571 00:29:16,878 --> 00:29:19,877 one of the coolest, most amazing athletes in the world. 572 00:29:19,878 --> 00:29:22,877 Thanks for rolling with the punches tonight, champ. 573 00:29:22,878 --> 00:29:24,877 - Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. 574 00:29:24,878 --> 00:29:26,837 - I bet you haven't been shit on this hard 575 00:29:26,838 --> 00:29:27,878 since you cleaned your pigeon Coop this morning. 576 00:29:31,878 --> 00:29:35,878 Not only do you love pigeons, but you sound like one. 577 00:29:37,878 --> 00:29:38,877 Listen, I'm not gonna make fun of Mike Tyson, 578 00:29:38,878 --> 00:29:40,877 because if he-- 579 00:29:40,878 --> 00:29:42,877 - that's right. 'Cause I'm gonna shit on you tonight. 580 00:29:42,878 --> 00:29:44,877 - That's right. I know, I know. 581 00:29:44,878 --> 00:29:46,877 If you're willing to do that to your face, 582 00:29:46,878 --> 00:29:50,877 imagine what he would do to mine. 583 00:29:50,878 --> 00:29:55,877 What is that on your face, a target for pepper spray? 584 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:57,877 Mike, the ironic thing is, 585 00:29:57,878 --> 00:29:59,877 after all the faces you bashed in, 586 00:29:59,878 --> 00:30:02,878 the one you fucked up the most is your own. 587 00:30:09,878 --> 00:30:11,877 Ah, but there's no denying the fact that Mike Tyson 588 00:30:11,878 --> 00:30:15,877 had the hardest-hitting right hook in history. 589 00:30:15,878 --> 00:30:17,877 Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner 590 00:30:17,878 --> 00:30:20,877 than Charlie's ex-wives. 591 00:30:20,878 --> 00:30:22,877 [Audience groans] 592 00:30:22,878 --> 00:30:26,877 Too soon? Too soon? 593 00:30:26,878 --> 00:30:28,878 Too real? Too real? 594 00:30:31,878 --> 00:30:33,877 And now that the goddesses have moved out, 595 00:30:33,878 --> 00:30:38,877 Charlie had to start snorting coke of his own dick. 596 00:30:38,878 --> 00:30:42,877 Has anybody seen your ex-goddess Bree Olson's latest movie? 597 00:30:42,878 --> 00:30:45,877 Last time I saw that many guys coming out of the same hole, 598 00:30:45,878 --> 00:30:48,878 I was watching the rescue of the Chilean miners. 599 00:30:53,878 --> 00:30:55,877 Charlie, your work has always inspired me. 600 00:30:55,878 --> 00:30:59,877 When I saw "platoon," I started caring about the troops. 601 00:30:59,878 --> 00:31:01,877 When I saw "wall street," I wanted to take over the world. 602 00:31:01,878 --> 00:31:04,877 When I saw "two and a half men," 603 00:31:04,878 --> 00:31:06,878 I wanted to get up and go see a movie. 604 00:31:08,878 --> 00:31:10,877 Charlie, by taking these punches from us tonight, 605 00:31:10,878 --> 00:31:12,877 you've proved to all your fans 606 00:31:12,878 --> 00:31:15,877 that you're the new king of the comebacks. 607 00:31:15,878 --> 00:31:16,877 Yeah. 608 00:31:16,878 --> 00:31:19,877 In fact... 609 00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:20,877 In fact, you've come on more backs 610 00:31:20,878 --> 00:31:23,878 than anyone in Hollywood. 611 00:31:27,878 --> 00:31:29,877 Charlie, when you were on the tour, 612 00:31:29,878 --> 00:31:32,877 I roasted you eight times in eight different cities. 613 00:31:32,878 --> 00:31:33,877 And I got meaner every time. 614 00:31:33,878 --> 00:31:35,877 You were a great sport, 615 00:31:35,878 --> 00:31:38,877 perhaps the greatest sport in roast history, 616 00:31:38,878 --> 00:31:40,877 and I don't know what you're gonna do next, 617 00:31:40,878 --> 00:31:42,877 but whatever you decide, 618 00:31:42,878 --> 00:31:45,877 I know firsthand that there's an army of fans out there 619 00:31:45,878 --> 00:31:50,877 waiting to check it out and support you in a big way. 620 00:31:50,878 --> 00:31:53,877 I love you guys. Thank you so much. 621 00:31:53,878 --> 00:31:56,877 The warlock--the best. 622 00:31:56,878 --> 00:31:59,878 [Cheers and applause] 623 00:32:07,878 --> 00:32:10,877 - All right, our next roaster is Mike Tyson. 624 00:32:10,878 --> 00:32:12,877 [Cheers and applause] 625 00:32:12,878 --> 00:32:14,877 Tyson has had three marriages. 626 00:32:14,878 --> 00:32:19,877 The first two ended in knockouts. 627 00:32:19,878 --> 00:32:20,877 He's a guy-- 628 00:32:20,878 --> 00:32:22,877 - I threw in the fuckin' towel. 629 00:32:22,878 --> 00:32:24,877 - Please don't murder me. He's a guy... 630 00:32:24,878 --> 00:32:27,877 [Laughter] 631 00:32:27,878 --> 00:32:30,877 He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he has gone up against 632 00:32:30,878 --> 00:32:33,877 except the letter "s." 633 00:32:33,878 --> 00:32:34,878 So... 634 00:32:37,878 --> 00:32:40,877 So now please... 635 00:32:40,878 --> 00:32:42,877 Please be patient as he sounds out his jokes. 636 00:32:42,878 --> 00:32:48,878 Ladies and gentlemen, "iron" Mike Tyson! 637 00:32:54,878 --> 00:32:56,877 - Oh, shit. 638 00:32:56,878 --> 00:32:59,003 Thank you. Thank you very much, Seth. 639 00:32:59,004 --> 00:33:02,877 Oh, man. 640 00:33:02,878 --> 00:33:06,877 Well, you know, during a very dark period in my life, 641 00:33:06,878 --> 00:33:08,877 I found inspiration 642 00:33:08,878 --> 00:33:11,877 by reading the great epic poem "the iliad." 643 00:33:11,878 --> 00:33:12,877 So, see, Seth, 644 00:33:12,878 --> 00:33:13,877 you're not the only person 645 00:33:13,878 --> 00:33:17,877 that gotten by by taking ideas from homer. 646 00:33:17,878 --> 00:33:19,877 [Speaks indistinctly] 647 00:33:19,878 --> 00:33:21,877 That's a fuckin' idiot over there. 648 00:33:21,878 --> 00:33:22,877 He's a fuckin' idiot, with that stewie. 649 00:33:22,878 --> 00:33:26,877 Okay. All right. 650 00:33:26,878 --> 00:33:28,877 Well, if I must confess, I'm really not a roaster, 651 00:33:28,878 --> 00:33:30,877 'cause of course, you know, everyone, 652 00:33:30,878 --> 00:33:31,877 I don't like hurting people. 653 00:33:31,878 --> 00:33:35,877 And, um, I'm living, you know, 654 00:33:35,878 --> 00:33:38,877 more of a spiritual life now through poetry, 655 00:33:38,878 --> 00:33:39,877 and I've written... 656 00:33:39,878 --> 00:33:41,878 [Woman giggles] 657 00:33:46,878 --> 00:33:49,877 Well, you know, I've written, you know, 658 00:33:49,878 --> 00:33:51,877 many verses in my secret garden, 659 00:33:51,878 --> 00:33:56,877 and now I'd like to share them with a few of you here today. 660 00:33:56,878 --> 00:33:57,877 Thank you, everybody. 661 00:33:57,878 --> 00:33:59,877 Well, this'll be a honor, 662 00:33:59,878 --> 00:34:02,877 because, um, as the bard once said, 663 00:34:02,878 --> 00:34:04,877 "all the world's a stage." 664 00:34:04,878 --> 00:34:08,877 And Charlie's been booed off them all, of course. 665 00:34:08,878 --> 00:34:10,877 In this first verse, 666 00:34:10,878 --> 00:34:17,877 you'll recognize the classic a-a-b-b-a poetic structure. 667 00:34:17,878 --> 00:34:20,877 There once was a old man named Ross 668 00:34:20,878 --> 00:34:23,877 whose jokes were covered with moss. 669 00:34:23,878 --> 00:34:27,877 His punch line was musty, his premise was dusty, 670 00:34:27,878 --> 00:34:32,877 I wish he'd suck on a fuckin' exhaust, you know? 671 00:34:32,878 --> 00:34:34,877 Oh. So excuse me. 672 00:34:34,878 --> 00:34:36,877 What you gonna do, Jeff? 673 00:34:36,878 --> 00:34:39,877 What the fuck you gonna do, Jeff? 674 00:34:39,878 --> 00:34:42,877 You know, I'm-- you know, I must say, you know, 675 00:34:42,878 --> 00:34:44,877 I'm rather intrigued by your puffy, grotesque 676 00:34:44,878 --> 00:34:46,877 fuckin' face, Jeff, you know? 677 00:34:46,878 --> 00:34:48,877 Normally--normally when I'm next to somebody 678 00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:50,877 whose face is grotesque as yours, 679 00:34:50,878 --> 00:34:52,877 they throw in the fuckin' towel, man. 680 00:34:52,878 --> 00:34:55,877 You're a mess, man. 681 00:34:55,878 --> 00:34:58,877 During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off. 682 00:34:58,878 --> 00:34:59,877 You know? You fuckin' suck, man. 683 00:34:59,878 --> 00:35:01,878 You suck! 684 00:35:07,878 --> 00:35:08,877 All right. All right. 685 00:35:08,878 --> 00:35:11,877 - That was the best. - All right. 686 00:35:11,878 --> 00:35:13,877 Now-- no, come on, stop. 687 00:35:13,878 --> 00:35:16,877 I got to do this shit right. All right. 688 00:35:16,878 --> 00:35:18,877 Of course, no poetry slam would be complete 689 00:35:18,878 --> 00:35:21,877 without a tip of the beret to the beat poets. 690 00:35:21,878 --> 00:35:23,877 Now, please. 691 00:35:23,878 --> 00:35:28,877 I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed 692 00:35:28,878 --> 00:35:32,877 by madness, starving, hysterical, naked, 693 00:35:32,878 --> 00:35:36,877 dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn 694 00:35:36,878 --> 00:35:39,877 looking for a angry fix, and I say, 695 00:35:39,878 --> 00:35:42,877 "hey, Charlie sheen, that prostitute's a fucking guy, man. 696 00:35:42,878 --> 00:35:43,877 "He's got big protruding balls. 697 00:35:43,878 --> 00:35:45,877 "He's gonna bust your stool, man. 698 00:35:45,878 --> 00:35:47,877 "Watch out! It's not a pretty sight, Charlie. 699 00:35:47,878 --> 00:35:49,877 "You'll be wearing diapers for a long time! 700 00:35:49,878 --> 00:35:51,877 Fuck! Oh." 701 00:35:51,878 --> 00:35:53,877 If I may digress... 702 00:35:53,878 --> 00:35:54,877 If I may... 703 00:35:54,878 --> 00:35:59,877 [Cheers and applause] 704 00:35:59,878 --> 00:36:00,877 I didn't do well in school, 705 00:36:00,878 --> 00:36:01,877 but I'm trying to do this shit. 706 00:36:01,878 --> 00:36:03,877 All right. 707 00:36:03,878 --> 00:36:05,796 Charlie, our next poem 708 00:36:05,797 --> 00:36:07,877 was inspired by the great Emily Dickinson, 709 00:36:07,878 --> 00:36:09,877 who I consider a real goddess. 710 00:36:09,878 --> 00:36:12,877 You know, whatever happened to them hos, man? 711 00:36:12,878 --> 00:36:13,877 Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. 712 00:36:13,878 --> 00:36:16,877 But, Charlie, let me remind you... 713 00:36:16,878 --> 00:36:19,877 Something every man must know. 714 00:36:19,878 --> 00:36:20,877 Once the money goes, 715 00:36:20,878 --> 00:36:21,877 so does the hos. 716 00:36:21,878 --> 00:36:25,877 Trust me on that one, Charlie. 717 00:36:25,878 --> 00:36:27,877 Man, come on, let's keep it real. 718 00:36:27,878 --> 00:36:28,877 You know, Brooke, 719 00:36:28,878 --> 00:36:30,877 Charlie had every fucking disease known to man, 720 00:36:30,878 --> 00:36:32,877 but still, you suck his dick 721 00:36:32,878 --> 00:36:35,877 before you shake Steve-O's hand, you know? 722 00:36:35,878 --> 00:36:39,878 [Speaks indistinctly] 723 00:36:42,878 --> 00:36:44,877 This wife-beating cokehead 724 00:36:44,878 --> 00:36:46,877 claims he's some rock star from Mars. 725 00:36:46,878 --> 00:36:49,877 Man, if he was black, his ass would be behind bars, you know? 726 00:36:49,878 --> 00:36:51,877 Which is fuckin' bullshit, 727 00:36:51,878 --> 00:36:52,877 because I'm the greatest poet alive! 728 00:36:52,878 --> 00:36:54,877 I'm the greatest wordsmith ever. 729 00:36:54,878 --> 00:36:55,877 I'm the--I'm Robert frost. 730 00:36:55,878 --> 00:36:57,877 I'm--I'm lord Byron. 731 00:36:57,878 --> 00:37:00,877 My verses are impetuous, my rhymes impregnable. 732 00:37:00,878 --> 00:37:02,877 I want to eat your children! 733 00:37:02,878 --> 00:37:04,877 I--I... 734 00:37:04,878 --> 00:37:09,877 [Cheers and applause] 735 00:37:09,878 --> 00:37:12,877 But, of course, I'm using poetic license, 736 00:37:12,878 --> 00:37:14,877 and, um, they haven't revoked that one yet. 737 00:37:14,878 --> 00:37:17,877 And thank you all, guys. 738 00:37:17,878 --> 00:37:21,877 May you guys continue and resume to being nasty 739 00:37:21,878 --> 00:37:23,877 and talking mean to one another. 740 00:37:23,878 --> 00:37:25,877 God bless you. Bye, guys. 741 00:37:25,878 --> 00:37:27,877 I'm finished. 742 00:37:27,878 --> 00:37:30,877 [Cheers and applause] 743 00:37:30,878 --> 00:37:32,878 - Thank you. 744 00:37:44,339 --> 00:37:48,338 [Cheers and applause] 745 00:37:48,339 --> 00:37:50,338 Anthony jeselnik's act 746 00:37:50,339 --> 00:37:51,338 combines the excitement of standing there 747 00:37:51,339 --> 00:37:56,338 with the thrill of saying words. 748 00:37:56,339 --> 00:37:59,338 You know him best from me saying his name right now. 749 00:37:59,339 --> 00:38:02,338 Please welcome a man who's got a bright future 750 00:38:02,339 --> 00:38:04,338 in something other than comedy, 751 00:38:04,339 --> 00:38:06,338 Anthony jeselnik. 752 00:38:06,339 --> 00:38:08,339 [Cheers and applause] 753 00:38:17,339 --> 00:38:18,338 - Thank you. 754 00:38:18,339 --> 00:38:21,338 Seth macfarlane, everybody, huh? 755 00:38:21,339 --> 00:38:23,338 [Cheers and applause] 756 00:38:23,339 --> 00:38:26,338 This is macfarlane's third time hosting the show, 757 00:38:26,339 --> 00:38:28,338 which should come as no surprise, 758 00:38:28,339 --> 00:38:30,338 because when Seth macfarlane does something, 759 00:38:30,339 --> 00:38:35,339 by God, he repeats the living shit out of it. 760 00:38:39,339 --> 00:38:41,338 My good friend Jeff Ross is here... 761 00:38:41,339 --> 00:38:42,338 - Yeah, buddy. 762 00:38:42,339 --> 00:38:44,338 [Cheers and applause] 763 00:38:44,339 --> 00:38:48,339 - Even though it's laundry day. 764 00:38:50,339 --> 00:38:51,338 I'm glad you're here, Jeff. 765 00:38:51,339 --> 00:38:54,338 You cannot do a roast without the roast master. 766 00:38:54,339 --> 00:38:59,338 In fact, if they ever make a mount rushmore of roasters, 767 00:38:59,339 --> 00:39:02,339 Jeff Ross will get to be a tour guide. 768 00:39:05,339 --> 00:39:07,338 And Kate Walsh... 769 00:39:07,339 --> 00:39:12,338 I don't watch that stupid show you're on. 770 00:39:12,339 --> 00:39:13,338 But I did think it was interesting 771 00:39:13,339 --> 00:39:17,338 that you have your own line of perfume, you know, 772 00:39:17,339 --> 00:39:19,338 for that special lady 773 00:39:19,339 --> 00:39:22,339 who wants to smell like "who gives a fuck?" 774 00:39:28,339 --> 00:39:29,338 I'm glad William shatner 775 00:39:29,339 --> 00:39:32,339 could squeeze this roast into his schedule... 776 00:39:34,339 --> 00:39:38,338 In between cosmetic surgeries. 777 00:39:38,339 --> 00:39:40,338 Bill, your face is so plastic 778 00:39:40,339 --> 00:39:42,338 that when you're done with it, 779 00:39:42,339 --> 00:39:44,338 they're gonna have to cut it up into little pieces 780 00:39:44,339 --> 00:39:47,339 so that birds don't die. 781 00:39:54,339 --> 00:39:56,338 What's up, Steve-O? 782 00:39:56,339 --> 00:39:59,338 You have done so many drugs 783 00:39:59,339 --> 00:40:03,338 and had your testicles crushed so many times 784 00:40:03,339 --> 00:40:06,338 that if you ever even try to have kids, 785 00:40:06,339 --> 00:40:08,339 they're gonna be just like you. 786 00:40:11,339 --> 00:40:13,338 And, Steve-O I know you were in a dark place for a while. 787 00:40:13,339 --> 00:40:15,338 You were struggling. 788 00:40:15,339 --> 00:40:17,338 But now you're trying stand-up comedy. 789 00:40:17,339 --> 00:40:20,338 I actually saw you perform once at the comedy cellar, 790 00:40:20,339 --> 00:40:22,338 and here's some free advice, Steve-O. 791 00:40:22,339 --> 00:40:25,339 Don't give up your suicide. 792 00:40:29,339 --> 00:40:31,338 Patrice O'Neal is here. 793 00:40:31,339 --> 00:40:35,338 You literally cannot miss him. 794 00:40:35,339 --> 00:40:36,338 Holy Christ, you're fat. 795 00:40:36,339 --> 00:40:38,338 You look like you deep-fry your hands 796 00:40:38,339 --> 00:40:41,338 before you bite your fingernails. 797 00:40:41,339 --> 00:40:43,339 - That's a good joke. 798 00:40:47,339 --> 00:40:49,338 - That's a racist joke! 799 00:40:49,339 --> 00:40:51,338 That's some racist shit right there. 800 00:40:51,339 --> 00:40:55,338 - Mike Tyson. 801 00:40:55,339 --> 00:40:57,339 That's the whole joke. 802 00:41:00,339 --> 00:41:01,338 Mike Tyson, I love you. 803 00:41:01,339 --> 00:41:03,338 You're my favorite boxer of all time. 804 00:41:03,339 --> 00:41:06,338 I don't even want to stand up here and make fun of you. 805 00:41:06,339 --> 00:41:09,338 Besides, what can you say about Mike Tyson 806 00:41:09,339 --> 00:41:14,338 that hasn't already been the title of a Richard pryor album? 807 00:41:14,339 --> 00:41:16,338 - Oh, shit. 808 00:41:16,339 --> 00:41:17,338 - He got it. - I did. 809 00:41:17,339 --> 00:41:19,338 - Patrice got it. 810 00:41:19,339 --> 00:41:20,338 - Too many white people to get that. 811 00:41:20,339 --> 00:41:22,338 - Too many white people? 812 00:41:22,339 --> 00:41:25,339 You know what no one ever says is "too few black people." 813 00:41:34,339 --> 00:41:37,338 Yeah. 814 00:41:37,339 --> 00:41:38,338 Yeah, Mike Tyson is here. 815 00:41:38,339 --> 00:41:42,338 Evander holyfield wanted to be here too tonight. 816 00:41:42,339 --> 00:41:45,339 But he's being retarded now. 817 00:41:51,339 --> 00:41:52,338 And, Mike, 818 00:41:52,339 --> 00:41:56,338 Mike, to me, you will always be the champion. 819 00:41:56,339 --> 00:41:58,338 You will always be the champion... 820 00:41:58,339 --> 00:42:00,338 - Thank you very much. 821 00:42:00,339 --> 00:42:04,339 - The champion of having more shit on your face than seal. 822 00:42:12,339 --> 00:42:16,338 Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his face 823 00:42:16,339 --> 00:42:18,338 so that every time he looks in the mirror, 824 00:42:18,339 --> 00:42:21,338 he can be proud that converting to islam 825 00:42:21,339 --> 00:42:25,339 is only the second dumbest thing he's ever done. 826 00:42:27,339 --> 00:42:30,338 - That's good. 827 00:42:30,339 --> 00:42:33,338 - You regret it. 828 00:42:33,339 --> 00:42:34,338 - I will later. 829 00:42:34,339 --> 00:42:37,338 - And now for the man of the hour, 830 00:42:37,339 --> 00:42:39,339 Mr. Charlie sheen. 831 00:42:43,339 --> 00:42:44,338 Charlie, I don't understand 832 00:42:44,339 --> 00:42:47,338 why you're not grateful for what you have right now. 833 00:42:47,339 --> 00:42:48,338 I mean, after all, 834 00:42:48,339 --> 00:42:51,338 the only reason you got on TV in the first place 835 00:42:51,339 --> 00:42:55,339 is because God hates Michael j. Fox. 836 00:43:07,339 --> 00:43:11,338 Charlie, you are a monster. 837 00:43:11,339 --> 00:43:13,338 Every moment of your life 838 00:43:13,339 --> 00:43:18,339 looks like the first two minutes of "law and order: Svu." 839 00:43:24,339 --> 00:43:27,338 You've convinced more women to have abortions 840 00:43:27,339 --> 00:43:31,339 than the prenatal test for down's syndrome. 841 00:43:36,339 --> 00:43:40,338 And, Charlie, I think the craziest thing about you 842 00:43:40,339 --> 00:43:43,338 is that you thought you were gonna go back to your TV show 843 00:43:43,339 --> 00:43:48,338 after calling your boss a "Jew kike." 844 00:43:48,339 --> 00:43:50,338 If people got to keep their jobs 845 00:43:50,339 --> 00:43:53,338 after calling their boss a Jew kike, Charlie, 846 00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:57,339 then everyone would do it. 847 00:44:05,339 --> 00:44:07,338 But, Charlie, 848 00:44:07,339 --> 00:44:11,338 despite everything I've just said, 849 00:44:11,339 --> 00:44:14,338 you're a good sport for being here tonight. 850 00:44:14,339 --> 00:44:15,338 Thanks for letting me be here too. 851 00:44:15,339 --> 00:44:16,338 Thank you, everybody. 852 00:44:16,339 --> 00:44:18,338 Thanks a lot. 853 00:44:18,339 --> 00:44:24,339 [Rock music] 854 00:44:31,339 --> 00:44:35,338 - Uh, our next roaster is Steve-O. 855 00:44:35,339 --> 00:44:37,338 [Cheers and applause] 856 00:44:37,339 --> 00:44:38,338 This guy makes it easy for us 857 00:44:38,339 --> 00:44:40,338 to bust his balls and pull his leg, 858 00:44:40,339 --> 00:44:44,338 because his balls are usually stapled to his leg. 859 00:44:44,339 --> 00:44:48,338 Steve-O has a--he's got a tattoo of his own face on his back. 860 00:44:48,339 --> 00:44:50,338 And that's so they can identify his body 861 00:44:50,339 --> 00:44:53,338 when he blows his head off. 862 00:44:53,339 --> 00:44:56,839 So, now, please give up your horse semen for Steve-O. 863 00:45:07,099 --> 00:45:09,098 - What an honor to be here with Mike Tyson. 864 00:45:09,099 --> 00:45:12,098 The last time I hung out with Mike, 865 00:45:12,099 --> 00:45:14,098 we locked ourselves in a bathroom 866 00:45:14,099 --> 00:45:18,099 and ripped through five grams of cocaine. 867 00:45:20,099 --> 00:45:22,098 But Mike's really changed his ways, though. 868 00:45:22,099 --> 00:45:26,098 See, here he is taking a beating for a check, 869 00:45:26,099 --> 00:45:30,098 and it hasn't been made out to Don King. 870 00:45:30,099 --> 00:45:33,182 - That is a good one. That is a good one. 871 00:45:33,183 --> 00:45:35,098 - Don't feel bad, though, Mike. 872 00:45:35,099 --> 00:45:38,391 I know what it's like to generate millions of dollars 873 00:45:38,392 --> 00:45:41,098 by sacrificing your body 874 00:45:41,099 --> 00:45:44,098 only to have someone else take it all for themselves. 875 00:45:44,099 --> 00:45:47,099 Johnny Knoxville has been doing that to me for years. 876 00:45:51,099 --> 00:45:55,098 Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress, 877 00:45:55,099 --> 00:45:58,099 but most people don't know her at all. 878 00:46:02,099 --> 00:46:04,098 And my hero... 879 00:46:04,099 --> 00:46:06,099 Charlie sheen. 880 00:46:08,099 --> 00:46:11,098 Charlie definitely has tiger blood 881 00:46:11,099 --> 00:46:13,098 coursing through his veins. 882 00:46:13,099 --> 00:46:20,098 Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict. 883 00:46:20,099 --> 00:46:23,098 Dude, your nose is like my ass. 884 00:46:23,099 --> 00:46:26,099 There's nothing you won't shove up there. 885 00:46:29,099 --> 00:46:33,098 I've been clean and sober for 3 1/2 years now... 886 00:46:33,099 --> 00:46:37,098 [Cheers and applause] 887 00:46:37,099 --> 00:46:40,098 But Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom. 888 00:46:40,099 --> 00:46:43,098 I know he's looking forward to it, though, 889 00:46:43,099 --> 00:46:46,099 because he thinks there's a rock there. 890 00:46:48,099 --> 00:46:49,098 You know, when Charlie started 891 00:46:49,099 --> 00:46:53,098 referring to his girlfriends as goddesses, 892 00:46:53,099 --> 00:46:54,098 I was confused, 893 00:46:54,099 --> 00:46:56,098 so I looked it up in the dictionary. 894 00:46:56,099 --> 00:47:00,098 It said, "goddesses, plural, noun-- 895 00:47:00,099 --> 00:47:04,099 two cum dumpsters who got sick of buying their own drugs." 896 00:47:11,099 --> 00:47:13,098 But, Charlie, don't ever pretend 897 00:47:13,099 --> 00:47:17,098 that you're not a totally bitchin' rock star from Mars, 898 00:47:17,099 --> 00:47:19,098 because you are. 899 00:47:19,099 --> 00:47:21,098 And I love you. 900 00:47:21,099 --> 00:47:23,098 And I am so grateful 901 00:47:23,099 --> 00:47:26,098 that you've let me be a part of this tonight. 902 00:47:26,099 --> 00:47:27,098 Right now, I'm gonna do something 903 00:47:27,099 --> 00:47:30,098 insanely stupid for you. 904 00:47:30,099 --> 00:47:32,098 I am going to attempt 905 00:47:32,099 --> 00:47:34,098 to get a black eye 906 00:47:34,099 --> 00:47:37,098 from the former heavyweight champion of the world. 907 00:47:37,099 --> 00:47:42,098 [Cheers and applause] 908 00:47:42,099 --> 00:47:45,098 Mike, bro, I am ready. 909 00:47:45,099 --> 00:47:49,098 Let me get that fist. 910 00:47:49,099 --> 00:47:54,098 - Man, I don't want to do this shit, man. 911 00:47:54,099 --> 00:47:58,098 We're not gonna call the police or anything after this. 912 00:47:58,099 --> 00:47:59,098 - Fuck him up, Mike! 913 00:47:59,099 --> 00:48:01,098 - All right. 914 00:48:01,099 --> 00:48:03,098 [Cheers and applause] 915 00:48:03,099 --> 00:48:04,098 Okay. 916 00:48:04,099 --> 00:48:06,098 One, two, three. 917 00:48:06,099 --> 00:48:07,098 - Go for it. 918 00:48:07,099 --> 00:48:11,098 - Aah! 919 00:48:11,099 --> 00:48:12,098 Ah. 920 00:48:12,099 --> 00:48:13,098 I think that'll do it. 921 00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:16,099 Thank you, everybody. 922 00:48:19,099 --> 00:48:21,099 - Wow. 923 00:48:25,099 --> 00:48:28,098 That's what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted, I guess. 924 00:48:28,099 --> 00:48:30,099 All right. 925 00:48:33,099 --> 00:48:35,098 All right, what can I say about Amy schumer? 926 00:48:35,099 --> 00:48:37,098 Um, I actually mean that sincerely. 927 00:48:37,099 --> 00:48:41,098 I've never heard of this woman. 928 00:48:41,099 --> 00:48:43,098 So please get ready for the comedy stylings 929 00:48:43,099 --> 00:48:45,098 of the fourth runner-up 930 00:48:45,099 --> 00:48:47,098 of the fifth season of "last comic standing," 931 00:48:47,099 --> 00:48:49,099 Amy schumer. 932 00:49:02,099 --> 00:49:04,098 - Mike "tython." 933 00:49:04,099 --> 00:49:06,098 Am I saying that right? 934 00:49:06,099 --> 00:49:09,098 - Ha ha. I'll get you good. 935 00:49:09,099 --> 00:49:11,098 Oh, God. 936 00:49:11,099 --> 00:49:14,098 - Wasn't he great up here? 937 00:49:14,099 --> 00:49:15,098 No, I'm asking. 938 00:49:15,099 --> 00:49:19,098 I couldn't understand a fuckin' word he said. 939 00:49:19,099 --> 00:49:22,098 Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying. 940 00:49:22,099 --> 00:49:23,098 Every time you speak, 941 00:49:23,099 --> 00:49:26,098 do you give yourself an erection? 942 00:49:26,099 --> 00:49:29,098 - Sometimes. Depends what I'm talking about-- 943 00:49:29,099 --> 00:49:30,098 - hey, hey, hey, Mike, 944 00:49:30,099 --> 00:49:31,098 here's something you'll never hear-- 945 00:49:31,099 --> 00:49:33,099 "great tattoo!" 946 00:49:36,099 --> 00:49:40,099 You have a slutty lower-back tattoo on your face. 947 00:49:45,099 --> 00:49:48,098 Men don't know whether to be scared of it 948 00:49:48,099 --> 00:49:49,099 or finish on it. 949 00:49:53,099 --> 00:49:54,098 Look at that face. 950 00:49:54,099 --> 00:49:57,098 It's so-- it's so dark and wrinkly 951 00:49:57,099 --> 00:49:58,098 and constantly getting pounded. 952 00:49:58,099 --> 00:50:00,098 It's like patrice's grandmother's asshole 953 00:50:00,099 --> 00:50:03,098 after a gospel brunch. 954 00:50:03,099 --> 00:50:05,098 - Whoa, shit. 955 00:50:05,099 --> 00:50:08,099 - I'm just assuming she raised you. 956 00:50:15,099 --> 00:50:17,098 Patrice O'Neal, one of my favorite comics-- 957 00:50:17,099 --> 00:50:22,098 patrice has always been destined for stardom and diabetes. 958 00:50:22,099 --> 00:50:25,098 So tonight is not just the roast of Charlie sheen. 959 00:50:25,099 --> 00:50:30,098 It's also a farewell party for patrice's foot. 960 00:50:30,099 --> 00:50:32,098 - Holy shit. Evil. 961 00:50:32,099 --> 00:50:34,098 Sitting next to this bitch the whole time. 962 00:50:34,099 --> 00:50:36,098 I didn't know she-- this was coming. 963 00:50:36,099 --> 00:50:37,098 - A lot of people don't know this, 964 00:50:37,099 --> 00:50:39,098 but patrice also had a crack problem. 965 00:50:39,099 --> 00:50:41,098 But with a lot of love and patience, 966 00:50:41,099 --> 00:50:44,098 he finally learned to attach a rag to a stick 967 00:50:44,099 --> 00:50:46,098 and wipe himself. 968 00:50:46,099 --> 00:50:49,098 - Oh, like one of them 700-pound people? 969 00:50:49,099 --> 00:50:52,098 Oh, shit, I'm that fat? I've never been that fat. 970 00:50:52,099 --> 00:50:53,098 - It's true. 971 00:50:53,099 --> 00:50:56,098 - If Amy had as many dicks coming out as she had going in, 972 00:50:56,099 --> 00:50:59,098 she'd look like a fuckin' porcupine. 973 00:50:59,099 --> 00:51:01,098 - Is his interpreter here? 974 00:51:01,099 --> 00:51:08,098 [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] 975 00:51:08,099 --> 00:51:12,098 - Jeff Ross is gross. 976 00:51:12,099 --> 00:51:14,098 But, no, I could see a girl hooking up with you, Jeff. 977 00:51:14,099 --> 00:51:16,098 I mean, I would sit on your face 978 00:51:16,099 --> 00:51:19,099 just so I wouldn't have to look at it. 979 00:51:22,099 --> 00:51:24,098 Anthony, what's your last name-- 980 00:51:24,099 --> 00:51:25,098 uh, Van Der sloot? 981 00:51:25,099 --> 00:51:27,098 What is it? Uh... 982 00:51:27,099 --> 00:51:30,098 You have all the likeability of a Hitler youth. 983 00:51:30,099 --> 00:51:31,099 Look at you. 984 00:51:34,099 --> 00:51:37,098 Speaking of Kate Walsh, Kate, to some people, 985 00:51:37,099 --> 00:51:40,098 "grey's anatomy" is more than a TV show. 986 00:51:40,099 --> 00:51:41,098 In fact, "grey's anatomy" 987 00:51:41,099 --> 00:51:43,098 is what William shatner calls his balls. 988 00:51:43,099 --> 00:51:46,098 Right? 989 00:51:46,099 --> 00:51:48,098 William. 990 00:51:48,099 --> 00:51:51,098 I've seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers. 991 00:51:51,099 --> 00:51:54,098 What's going on? 992 00:51:54,099 --> 00:51:56,098 Wha--does priceline pay you in empanadas? 993 00:51:56,099 --> 00:51:57,098 What's happening? 994 00:51:57,099 --> 00:52:00,098 - Are we taking that from her? - Oh, yeah, we have to. 995 00:52:00,099 --> 00:52:02,099 - You got to get her back! - Go get her. 996 00:52:04,973 --> 00:52:06,972 Steve-O, great try. 997 00:52:06,973 --> 00:52:09,223 Steve-O... 998 00:52:09,224 --> 00:52:10,972 But I truly am, no joke, 999 00:52:10,973 --> 00:52:12,972 sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. 1000 00:52:12,973 --> 00:52:14,972 I know you must have been thinking, 1001 00:52:14,973 --> 00:52:15,972 "it could have been me," 1002 00:52:15,973 --> 00:52:17,972 and I know we were all thinking, "why wasn't it?" 1003 00:52:17,973 --> 00:52:19,972 Um... 1004 00:52:19,973 --> 00:52:21,972 [Audience groans] 1005 00:52:21,973 --> 00:52:24,972 Thank you. 1006 00:52:24,973 --> 00:52:25,972 - Fuck you, Amy! 1007 00:52:25,973 --> 00:52:28,972 - Oh, Mike. Stay away from me. 1008 00:52:28,973 --> 00:52:30,972 Speaking of things that should already be dead, 1009 00:52:30,973 --> 00:52:32,972 Charlie sheen is still alive. 1010 00:52:32,973 --> 00:52:34,972 Charlie, you--I'm a fan. 1011 00:52:34,973 --> 00:52:36,972 You were amazing in "platoon." 1012 00:52:36,973 --> 00:52:37,972 Your marriage to Denise Richards, 1013 00:52:37,973 --> 00:52:39,972 it was kind of like her Vietnam, 1014 00:52:39,973 --> 00:52:42,972 'cause she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie. 1015 00:52:42,973 --> 00:52:45,973 [Laughter] 1016 00:52:49,973 --> 00:52:51,972 But there's no denying how famous you are. 1017 00:52:51,973 --> 00:52:53,972 I mean, it was international news 1018 00:52:53,973 --> 00:52:55,765 when you ruined the lives 1019 00:52:55,766 --> 00:52:56,972 of those two girls living with you-- 1020 00:52:56,973 --> 00:52:58,972 you know, your daughters. 1021 00:52:58,973 --> 00:53:01,972 [Audience groans] 1022 00:53:01,973 --> 00:53:03,972 But, no, I mean, Charlie, you get a bad rap, 1023 00:53:03,973 --> 00:53:05,972 but you're just like Bruce Willis. 1024 00:53:05,973 --> 00:53:06,972 You know, you were big in the '80s, 1025 00:53:06,973 --> 00:53:11,973 and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton kutcher. 1026 00:53:19,973 --> 00:53:20,972 But all joking aside, 1027 00:53:20,973 --> 00:53:22,972 if you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you, 1028 00:53:22,973 --> 00:53:23,972 I'm your gal. 1029 00:53:23,973 --> 00:53:25,972 Thanks for having me. 1030 00:53:25,973 --> 00:53:28,973 [Cheers and applause] 1031 00:53:36,973 --> 00:53:38,972 - All right, our next roaster 1032 00:53:38,973 --> 00:53:40,972 is the legendary William shatner. 1033 00:53:40,973 --> 00:53:46,972 [Cheers and applause] 1034 00:53:46,973 --> 00:53:48,972 Shatner is 80 years old. Can you believe that? 1035 00:53:48,973 --> 00:53:50,265 80 years old, so... 1036 00:53:50,266 --> 00:53:53,972 [Cheers and applause] 1037 00:53:53,973 --> 00:53:56,972 So the next time we see him on TV, 1038 00:53:56,973 --> 00:54:00,972 he'll be starring in "shit my dad is sitting in." 1039 00:54:00,973 --> 00:54:02,972 But for now, here he is. 1040 00:54:02,973 --> 00:54:04,972 I can't joke about this guy, 1041 00:54:04,973 --> 00:54:06,972 'cause I think he's the fuckin' greatest. 1042 00:54:06,973 --> 00:54:07,972 The guy who played captain kirk 1043 00:54:07,973 --> 00:54:10,972 back before "star trek" looked like a bunch of gay guys 1044 00:54:10,973 --> 00:54:13,973 working in a Mac store, William shatner. 1045 00:54:18,973 --> 00:54:19,972 - Thank you, thank you, thank you. 1046 00:54:19,973 --> 00:54:23,972 Keep it going for Chaz Bono. 1047 00:54:23,973 --> 00:54:27,972 Uh, Charlie... 1048 00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:28,972 I was driving by tonight, 1049 00:54:28,973 --> 00:54:30,972 and I heard that they were doing your roast, 1050 00:54:30,973 --> 00:54:32,972 and I thought what a great-- great opportunity 1051 00:54:32,973 --> 00:54:35,972 to offer this young Mexican... 1052 00:54:35,973 --> 00:54:37,972 A bit of fatherly advice 1053 00:54:37,973 --> 00:54:41,972 he so clearly hasn't been getting. 1054 00:54:41,973 --> 00:54:43,972 You see, I've been doing this for quite a while now, 1055 00:54:43,973 --> 00:54:47,972 and I think that, uh, I can bestow on you 1056 00:54:47,973 --> 00:54:51,972 some of the vast wisdom from my experience 1057 00:54:51,973 --> 00:54:55,972 in this wonderful business of entertainment. 1058 00:54:55,973 --> 00:54:56,972 Uh, first off, Charlie, 1059 00:54:56,973 --> 00:54:57,972 I'm 80 years old. 1060 00:54:57,973 --> 00:54:58,972 You're, what, 47? 1061 00:54:58,973 --> 00:55:00,972 - 46. 1062 00:55:00,973 --> 00:55:02,972 - How come we look like we went to high school together? 1063 00:55:02,973 --> 00:55:05,972 And, uh... 1064 00:55:05,973 --> 00:55:07,972 And you're going too fast, son. 1065 00:55:07,973 --> 00:55:11,973 You got to slow down and smell the roses, my boy. 1066 00:55:14,973 --> 00:55:17,972 That's why I have such a storied and... 1067 00:55:17,973 --> 00:55:20,972 Illustrious career... 1068 00:55:20,973 --> 00:55:24,972 Because I'm patient. 1069 00:55:24,973 --> 00:55:26,972 I was willing to wait a long time 1070 00:55:26,973 --> 00:55:29,972 to get into the right projects... 1071 00:55:29,973 --> 00:55:32,973 Just like patrice O'Neal's family. 1072 00:55:36,973 --> 00:55:38,972 Okay, Charlie. 1073 00:55:38,973 --> 00:55:41,972 So you're out of a job. Don't feel sad. 1074 00:55:41,973 --> 00:55:45,972 I know another famous guy who was kind to whores 1075 00:55:45,973 --> 00:55:47,972 and always kept 12 losers around, 1076 00:55:47,973 --> 00:55:48,972 and he got... 1077 00:55:48,973 --> 00:55:50,973 Crucified by Jews too. 1078 00:55:53,973 --> 00:55:55,973 And people worshipped that guy. 1079 00:55:58,973 --> 00:56:04,972 Look, look, Carlos... 1080 00:56:04,973 --> 00:56:09,973 I've had my share of wild times with the señoritas, yeah. 1081 00:56:12,973 --> 00:56:17,972 I've had sex in space with green women. 1082 00:56:17,973 --> 00:56:19,972 Sure, you've had sex with blue women, 1083 00:56:19,973 --> 00:56:20,972 because unlike you, 1084 00:56:20,973 --> 00:56:23,972 they couldn't handle their drugs. 1085 00:56:23,973 --> 00:56:27,972 You don't need that kind of press, Charlie! 1086 00:56:27,973 --> 00:56:30,972 In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity, 1087 00:56:30,973 --> 00:56:32,972 I had to do something drastic, 1088 00:56:32,973 --> 00:56:35,972 like kiss a black girl... 1089 00:56:35,973 --> 00:56:37,972 Or let an Asian drive. 1090 00:56:37,973 --> 00:56:39,972 Oh. 1091 00:56:39,973 --> 00:56:44,972 May I suggest to you, Charlie... 1092 00:56:44,973 --> 00:56:48,972 That you reexamine your relations with women? 1093 00:56:48,973 --> 00:56:50,972 Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. 1094 00:56:50,973 --> 00:56:52,972 Hasn't anyone told you 1095 00:56:52,973 --> 00:56:55,972 that actresses will sleep with you for free? 1096 00:56:55,973 --> 00:56:58,972 Man, that's-- that's Hollywood 101. 1097 00:56:58,973 --> 00:57:02,972 You should have called. 1098 00:57:02,973 --> 00:57:04,972 You know, uh, what will help you get through this-- 1099 00:57:04,973 --> 00:57:06,972 this--this tough spot, 1100 00:57:06,973 --> 00:57:09,972 something--you have to give something back. 1101 00:57:09,973 --> 00:57:12,972 See, I was at--recently at a celebrity auction 1102 00:57:12,973 --> 00:57:14,972 where I sold one of my kidney stones 1103 00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:16,972 for $75,000. 1104 00:57:16,973 --> 00:57:18,972 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 1105 00:57:18,973 --> 00:57:21,972 Do you understand what I've done? 1106 00:57:21,973 --> 00:57:25,972 I synthesized uric acid and calcium 1107 00:57:25,973 --> 00:57:28,972 inside my bladder 1108 00:57:28,973 --> 00:57:32,972 and turned it into a house for habitat for humanity. 1109 00:57:32,973 --> 00:57:36,973 Who's the warlock now, bitch? 1110 00:57:41,973 --> 00:57:45,972 Actually, Emilio... 1111 00:57:45,973 --> 00:57:48,972 We're not that different. 1112 00:57:48,973 --> 00:57:50,972 You're a rock star from Mars. 1113 00:57:50,973 --> 00:57:52,972 Yes, you are. 1114 00:57:52,973 --> 00:57:55,972 And as one rocket man to another, 1115 00:57:55,973 --> 00:57:56,972 if I may give you 1116 00:57:56,973 --> 00:58:00,972 my most important piece of advice tonight-- 1117 00:58:00,973 --> 00:58:04,972 never, ever forget 1118 00:58:04,973 --> 00:58:06,972 to book your next rehab stay 1119 00:58:06,973 --> 00:58:08,972 through priceline.Com. 1120 00:58:08,973 --> 00:58:13,972 [Cheers and applause] 1121 00:58:13,973 --> 00:58:16,972 Now, Charlie, see, you take it from the master. 1122 00:58:16,973 --> 00:58:18,972 That little subtle plug there-- 1123 00:58:18,973 --> 00:58:22,972 $65 right in the pocket. 1124 00:58:22,973 --> 00:58:24,972 Whoa, my, look at the time. 1125 00:58:24,973 --> 00:58:25,972 Oh, jeez. 1126 00:58:25,973 --> 00:58:26,972 I got to simply-- I must get home. 1127 00:58:26,973 --> 00:58:30,972 I want to catch that new Ashton kutcher show. 1128 00:58:30,973 --> 00:58:32,972 Do you--do you know him? 1129 00:58:32,973 --> 00:58:34,972 He's a nice guy. - No. 1130 00:58:34,973 --> 00:58:35,972 - I went to high school with his wife. 1131 00:58:35,973 --> 00:58:38,972 Thank you very much. 1132 00:58:38,973 --> 00:58:43,972 [Cheers and applause] 1133 00:58:43,973 --> 00:58:45,973 - It was funny. 1134 00:58:51,307 --> 00:58:52,306 How awesome was that? 1135 00:58:52,307 --> 00:58:54,306 Um... 1136 00:58:54,307 --> 00:58:58,306 Our next roaster is patrice O'Neal. 1137 00:58:58,307 --> 00:58:59,306 [Cheers and applause] 1138 00:58:59,307 --> 00:59:01,306 You may recognize patrice 1139 00:59:01,307 --> 00:59:03,306 from his many speaking roles in movies, 1140 00:59:03,307 --> 00:59:05,306 but only if you've sat in front of him in a theater. 1141 00:59:05,307 --> 00:59:08,306 Um... I know. 1142 00:59:08,307 --> 00:59:10,306 I know; Some of these jokes may come off racist, 1143 00:59:10,307 --> 00:59:12,306 which is why it's important to remember 1144 00:59:12,307 --> 00:59:14,306 that rosa parks fought 1145 00:59:14,307 --> 00:59:17,307 so patrice could take three seats on the bus. 1146 00:59:20,307 --> 00:59:23,306 So please welcome a guy who looks like Chris farley 1147 00:59:23,307 --> 00:59:25,306 after a mine-shaft explosion, 1148 00:59:25,307 --> 00:59:28,306 the very funny patrice O'Neal. 1149 00:59:28,307 --> 00:59:34,307 [Rock music] 1150 00:59:39,307 --> 00:59:40,306 - Thank you very much. 1151 00:59:40,307 --> 00:59:42,306 I, uh... 1152 00:59:42,307 --> 00:59:44,306 It's just strange, 'cause... 1153 00:59:44,307 --> 00:59:48,306 I had all this planned shit, but I didn't... 1154 00:59:48,307 --> 00:59:49,306 Like, I didn't know William shatner 1155 00:59:49,307 --> 00:59:51,306 was gonna be quasi... 1156 00:59:51,307 --> 00:59:52,306 Like, a old racist man. 1157 00:59:52,307 --> 00:59:53,306 Like, but... 1158 00:59:53,307 --> 00:59:55,306 [Laughter] 1159 00:59:55,307 --> 00:59:59,306 But everybody's giggling, like, "whoa, he's..." 1160 00:59:59,307 --> 01:00:03,306 You're a fuckin' asshole, captain kirk. 1161 01:00:03,307 --> 01:00:04,306 - What are you talking about? 1162 01:00:04,307 --> 01:00:06,306 - Like, I don't respect him, 1163 01:00:06,307 --> 01:00:07,306 but, like, I'll respect him, 1164 01:00:07,307 --> 01:00:09,306 'cause he's fuckin' captain kirk, 1165 01:00:09,307 --> 01:00:11,306 but I think he might be racist, 1166 01:00:11,307 --> 01:00:14,307 'cause his hair plugs look like black girls' pussy hair. 1167 01:00:19,307 --> 01:00:21,306 This is fucking amazing. 1168 01:00:21,307 --> 01:00:23,306 Like, I wasn't gonna be mean to Anthony. 1169 01:00:23,307 --> 01:00:25,306 I don't know him. I never met him. 1170 01:00:25,307 --> 01:00:27,306 Like, so I'm sitting here watching him, 1171 01:00:27,307 --> 01:00:31,306 and I'm like, "he has way too much confidence." 1172 01:00:31,307 --> 01:00:33,306 Like, in my world, he's an open-miker. 1173 01:00:33,307 --> 01:00:35,306 Nobody knows him, and nobody should. 1174 01:00:35,307 --> 01:00:38,306 Like, nobody should fuckin' know Anthony, uh... 1175 01:00:38,307 --> 01:00:43,306 I refuse to learn his last shitty name. 1176 01:00:43,307 --> 01:00:45,306 I learned galifianakis. 1177 01:00:45,307 --> 01:00:48,306 That's the last shitty last name 1178 01:00:48,307 --> 01:00:52,307 this nigga's gonna learn in this fuckin' funky town. 1179 01:00:55,307 --> 01:00:58,306 He reminds me of a medieval restaurant waiter. 1180 01:00:58,307 --> 01:01:00,306 Like... 1181 01:01:00,307 --> 01:01:01,306 His whole demeanor. 1182 01:01:01,307 --> 01:01:04,306 Like, "hello, may I welcome to--" 1183 01:01:04,307 --> 01:01:07,306 and you just want to go, "shut the fuck up 1184 01:01:07,307 --> 01:01:09,306 "and bring me my giant Turkey leg, 1185 01:01:09,307 --> 01:01:11,307 you fuckin' nothing." 1186 01:01:15,307 --> 01:01:20,306 How the fuck can I be too mean after all this shit? 1187 01:01:20,307 --> 01:01:21,306 I can't believe it. 1188 01:01:21,307 --> 01:01:22,306 I'm dying of diabetes, 1189 01:01:22,307 --> 01:01:24,306 and you motherfuckers are like, 1190 01:01:24,307 --> 01:01:26,307 "oh, that evil, fat puff." You know. 1191 01:01:31,307 --> 01:01:33,306 I consider Seth an icon. I do. 1192 01:01:33,307 --> 01:01:35,306 Like, I got a critique about Seth. 1193 01:01:35,307 --> 01:01:38,306 It--it's too much Seth. 1194 01:01:38,307 --> 01:01:40,306 It's... 1195 01:01:40,307 --> 01:01:45,306 Like, it's almost like he's jealous of his own creation, 1196 01:01:45,307 --> 01:01:50,306 where he wants to prove, "I'm better than the cartoons." 1197 01:01:50,307 --> 01:01:51,306 But he's not better than the cartoons. 1198 01:01:51,307 --> 01:01:54,306 See, but I think the problem is with Seth 1199 01:01:54,307 --> 01:01:56,306 is that he don't have a partner, 1200 01:01:56,307 --> 01:01:58,306 you know, like the "South park" guys 1201 01:01:58,307 --> 01:01:59,307 or Hanna-barbera. 1202 01:02:01,307 --> 01:02:03,306 I know we've read that old story 1203 01:02:03,307 --> 01:02:07,306 that, uh, Hanna once said, "I'm bigger than yogi," 1204 01:02:07,307 --> 01:02:12,306 and barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that? 1205 01:02:12,307 --> 01:02:17,306 Seth needs a barbera... 1206 01:02:17,307 --> 01:02:19,306 To slap him and slap him twice, 1207 01:02:19,307 --> 01:02:24,306 once to say, "hey, man, don't forget why people love you." 1208 01:02:24,307 --> 01:02:26,306 And two, "just say you're gay." 1209 01:02:26,307 --> 01:02:28,306 No... 1210 01:02:28,307 --> 01:02:30,306 [Laughter] 1211 01:02:30,307 --> 01:02:34,306 No straight man writes that many show tunes. 1212 01:02:34,307 --> 01:02:36,307 That's a fact. 1213 01:02:38,307 --> 01:02:40,306 I love Mike Tyson, and I don't have much to say. 1214 01:02:40,307 --> 01:02:43,306 As a fan of Mike Tyson-- as a fan, I love him, 1215 01:02:43,307 --> 01:02:45,306 and I don't mean that-- you know, I love him-- 1216 01:02:45,307 --> 01:02:46,306 - fuck you. - I love you, man. 1217 01:02:46,307 --> 01:02:48,306 I'm just disappointed and hurt 1218 01:02:48,307 --> 01:02:52,306 at how much comfort white people have around you now. 1219 01:02:52,307 --> 01:02:55,307 I don't--I don't like it. 1220 01:03:01,307 --> 01:03:02,306 And Steve-O, 1221 01:03:02,307 --> 01:03:05,306 this new, subdued, "not drunk" you, 1222 01:03:05,307 --> 01:03:07,307 it fuckin' stinks, man. 1223 01:03:09,307 --> 01:03:12,306 Ride that whole Steve-O shit till the wheels come off, man. 1224 01:03:12,307 --> 01:03:14,306 Let a fuckin' leech bite your eyeballs 1225 01:03:14,307 --> 01:03:16,306 and do some goofy shit. 1226 01:03:16,307 --> 01:03:18,306 Even your fake punch, it just-- 1227 01:03:18,307 --> 01:03:20,306 you disturb me with your lack of edge. 1228 01:03:20,307 --> 01:03:23,306 You just, like-- 1229 01:03:23,307 --> 01:03:25,306 why are you still looking at me like that, Mr. shatner, sir? 1230 01:03:25,307 --> 01:03:27,306 You're like, "boy, I had more for that nigga. 1231 01:03:27,307 --> 01:03:29,306 "I didn't say it. I should have said it, 1232 01:03:29,307 --> 01:03:31,306 'cause he's an asshole." 1233 01:03:31,307 --> 01:03:33,306 - You're telling it as it is. - [Laughs] 1234 01:03:33,307 --> 01:03:35,306 - You're telling it like it is. 1235 01:03:35,307 --> 01:03:39,306 - Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess. 1236 01:03:39,307 --> 01:03:42,306 Look, Jeff Ross is a legend. 1237 01:03:42,307 --> 01:03:44,306 His funniness is a legend. 1238 01:03:44,307 --> 01:03:47,307 But when I say "legend," I mean a myth... 1239 01:03:51,307 --> 01:03:53,306 Like the loch ness monster or bigfoot. 1240 01:03:53,307 --> 01:03:56,306 Like, we all believe they exist, 1241 01:03:56,307 --> 01:03:59,307 but who really ever saw it? 1242 01:04:04,307 --> 01:04:06,306 Ah, shit. 1243 01:04:06,307 --> 01:04:08,306 I've turned down many roasts. 1244 01:04:08,307 --> 01:04:09,306 I have-- about three or four of 'em. 1245 01:04:09,307 --> 01:04:12,306 And I said yes to this, and I'm dead-ass serious. 1246 01:04:12,307 --> 01:04:14,306 I said yes to this because, uh, 1247 01:04:14,307 --> 01:04:16,306 I respect Charlie sheen. 1248 01:04:16,307 --> 01:04:19,306 I do. I said yes 'cause I respe-- 1249 01:04:19,307 --> 01:04:22,306 not--not--not his body of work. 1250 01:04:22,307 --> 01:04:25,306 Like, not... 1251 01:04:25,307 --> 01:04:28,306 It's all been very Christian slater-ish. 1252 01:04:28,307 --> 01:04:30,306 Like, it just, like... 1253 01:04:30,307 --> 01:04:31,306 [Laughter] 1254 01:04:31,307 --> 01:04:34,306 He sucks, but he's good. 1255 01:04:34,307 --> 01:04:38,306 But he sucks at the same time. 1256 01:04:38,307 --> 01:04:42,306 I think that his stand that he made, 1257 01:04:42,307 --> 01:04:43,306 uh, against the business-- 1258 01:04:43,307 --> 01:04:45,306 I think this is a fucked-up business, 1259 01:04:45,307 --> 01:04:47,306 but he stood up, he still survived, 1260 01:04:47,307 --> 01:04:50,306 uh, and he proved that nobody can keep, like, 1261 01:04:50,307 --> 01:04:53,306 a sheen down, you know? 1262 01:04:53,307 --> 01:04:56,307 They can keep a estevez down, 'cause his brother... 1263 01:04:58,307 --> 01:05:00,306 And he's the good one. 1264 01:05:00,307 --> 01:05:01,306 That motherfucker do everything right, 1265 01:05:01,307 --> 01:05:03,306 and that nigga's career is over. 1266 01:05:03,307 --> 01:05:05,307 Holy shit. 1267 01:05:09,307 --> 01:05:10,306 Fuck tiger blood. 1268 01:05:10,307 --> 01:05:14,306 He's selling his own blood to make money. 1269 01:05:14,307 --> 01:05:16,306 But I wanted to say to your eyes, man, 1270 01:05:16,307 --> 01:05:19,306 I-I-I... 1271 01:05:19,307 --> 01:05:21,306 I love that you stood up to what you thought was wrong, 1272 01:05:21,307 --> 01:05:25,306 and, uh, I'm impressed by you, and I wanted to say that. 1273 01:05:25,307 --> 01:05:27,306 So thank you, man. Thanks for having me. 1274 01:05:27,307 --> 01:05:30,307 Y'all take care. Thank you. 1275 01:05:41,307 --> 01:05:43,306 - And now it is time for the moment 1276 01:05:43,307 --> 01:05:46,306 we've all been waiting for. 1277 01:05:46,307 --> 01:05:48,306 We're gonna get to hear a ranting tirade 1278 01:05:48,307 --> 01:05:49,306 from the man himself. 1279 01:05:49,307 --> 01:05:54,306 [Cheers and applause] 1280 01:05:54,307 --> 01:05:56,306 Ladies and gentlemen, 1281 01:05:56,307 --> 01:05:58,306 I give you a man with a big heart, 1282 01:05:58,307 --> 01:06:01,306 because it's been dangerously enlarged by cocaine use, 1283 01:06:01,307 --> 01:06:03,307 Charlie sheen. 1284 01:06:28,307 --> 01:06:32,306 - Hi. Hello. 1285 01:06:32,307 --> 01:06:34,306 I'm Charlie. 1286 01:06:34,307 --> 01:06:35,306 [Cheers and applause] 1287 01:06:35,307 --> 01:06:37,306 Wow. 1288 01:06:37,307 --> 01:06:40,306 Wow fuckin' wow. 1289 01:06:40,307 --> 01:06:42,306 What a night. 1290 01:06:42,307 --> 01:06:47,306 Until tonight, I never realized how fucked up I was. 1291 01:06:47,307 --> 01:06:52,306 All this time, I thought I was just having fun. 1292 01:06:52,307 --> 01:06:53,306 [Sighs] 1293 01:06:53,307 --> 01:06:57,306 Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors... 1294 01:06:57,307 --> 01:06:59,306 3 ex-wives... 1295 01:06:59,307 --> 01:07:01,306 2 paramedics... 1296 01:07:01,307 --> 01:07:05,307 And 9 dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light. 1297 01:07:07,307 --> 01:07:11,306 All of whom told me not to do this roast. 1298 01:07:11,307 --> 01:07:13,306 Yeah, it's true. It's true. 1299 01:07:13,307 --> 01:07:16,306 I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years-- 1300 01:07:16,307 --> 01:07:18,306 losers, drug addicts, 1301 01:07:18,307 --> 01:07:22,306 dealers, desperate whores. 1302 01:07:22,307 --> 01:07:25,306 But to have you all here on one night is really special. 1303 01:07:25,307 --> 01:07:28,307 [Cheers and applause] 1304 01:07:31,307 --> 01:07:33,306 My thanks to Seth macfarlane. 1305 01:07:33,307 --> 01:07:37,306 Great job tonight. 1306 01:07:37,307 --> 01:07:38,306 Look at you, Seth. 1307 01:07:38,307 --> 01:07:40,306 You've got the-- got the spray-on tan, 1308 01:07:40,307 --> 01:07:45,306 the waxed eyebrows, the pec implants, 1309 01:07:45,307 --> 01:07:50,306 halogen teeth, the bleached anus... 1310 01:07:50,307 --> 01:07:52,306 The scrotal tuck, 1311 01:07:52,307 --> 01:07:54,306 nipple enlargement, 1312 01:07:54,307 --> 01:07:58,306 taint augmentation. 1313 01:07:58,307 --> 01:08:02,306 But I got to admit, I envy you. 1314 01:08:02,307 --> 01:08:04,306 You've got boatloads of money, 1315 01:08:04,307 --> 01:08:06,306 three TV shows, 1316 01:08:06,307 --> 01:08:08,306 and still, even with all the work you've had done, 1317 01:08:08,307 --> 01:08:12,307 you can walk down the street totally unrecognized. 1318 01:08:14,307 --> 01:08:16,306 - Yes. 1319 01:08:16,307 --> 01:08:18,306 Yes. 1320 01:08:18,307 --> 01:08:19,306 - I wish when I went out in public 1321 01:08:19,307 --> 01:08:22,306 the only thing I had to be afraid of is hearing, 1322 01:08:22,307 --> 01:08:25,306 "who's that dickhead with the fake tan?" 1323 01:08:25,307 --> 01:08:28,306 But--but you're not a total unknown. 1324 01:08:28,307 --> 01:08:29,306 Seriously, tell me, 1325 01:08:29,307 --> 01:08:31,306 dude to dude, 1326 01:08:31,307 --> 01:08:36,306 what's comicon pussy like? 1327 01:08:36,307 --> 01:08:39,307 - It's... 1328 01:08:41,307 --> 01:08:43,306 - Maybe someday I'll get to fuck 1329 01:08:43,307 --> 01:08:46,307 a fat chick with Spock ears and funyun breath. 1330 01:08:53,307 --> 01:08:57,306 But tonight I put all the craziness behind me. 1331 01:08:57,307 --> 01:09:00,306 I say let the past stay in the past... 1332 01:09:00,307 --> 01:09:03,306 With jon lovitz. 1333 01:09:03,307 --> 01:09:07,306 Steve-O, you're an animal, man. 1334 01:09:07,307 --> 01:09:11,306 People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal. 1335 01:09:11,307 --> 01:09:15,306 This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back. 1336 01:09:15,307 --> 01:09:17,307 There it is. There it is. 1337 01:09:21,307 --> 01:09:23,306 Even he knows it was a huge mistake, 1338 01:09:23,307 --> 01:09:24,306 because it makes 1339 01:09:24,307 --> 01:09:26,307 Johnny Knoxville's cock go soft. 1340 01:09:30,307 --> 01:09:32,306 Kate Walsh. 1341 01:09:32,307 --> 01:09:36,306 I don't know anyone who watches your show... 1342 01:09:36,307 --> 01:09:39,307 Because I date women who can still get their period. 1343 01:09:46,307 --> 01:09:48,306 Kate actually created and sells 1344 01:09:48,307 --> 01:09:50,306 her own perfume called "boyfriend." 1345 01:09:50,307 --> 01:09:53,306 It comes in a bottle... 1346 01:09:53,307 --> 01:09:56,306 And on your hair... 1347 01:09:56,307 --> 01:09:58,306 And between your tits. 1348 01:09:58,307 --> 01:10:00,306 - That's true. 1349 01:10:00,307 --> 01:10:03,306 - Then it leaves and never calls you again. 1350 01:10:03,307 --> 01:10:05,307 Kate, you should've called it "Charlie sheen." 1351 01:10:14,307 --> 01:10:17,306 Anthony jeselnik. 1352 01:10:17,307 --> 01:10:20,306 I really liked your slow, measured delivery. 1353 01:10:20,307 --> 01:10:24,306 It's as if you were trying to-- trying to savor the moment. 1354 01:10:24,307 --> 01:10:30,306 Years from now when you're locking up at radioshack... 1355 01:10:30,307 --> 01:10:32,306 You'll look back at tonight and say... 1356 01:10:32,307 --> 01:10:34,306 "I... 1357 01:10:34,307 --> 01:10:38,306 "Wish...I... 1358 01:10:38,307 --> 01:10:40,306 "Was... 1359 01:10:40,307 --> 01:10:43,307 Funnier." 1360 01:10:47,307 --> 01:10:48,306 - Goddamn. 1361 01:10:48,307 --> 01:10:50,306 - Seriously, dude, the only thing slower than your delivery 1362 01:10:50,307 --> 01:10:54,306 is patrice O'Neal's metabolism. 1363 01:10:54,307 --> 01:10:55,306 When I first saw patrice on the stage, 1364 01:10:55,307 --> 01:10:58,306 I thought the same thing we all did-- 1365 01:10:58,307 --> 01:11:00,307 why is Mike Tyson's mother here? 1366 01:11:04,307 --> 01:11:06,306 But, Mike, no, no, Mike, Mike, Mike, 1367 01:11:06,307 --> 01:11:07,306 you were fantastic tonight. 1368 01:11:07,307 --> 01:11:09,306 - Oh, shit. 1369 01:11:09,307 --> 01:11:10,306 - By the way, Mike, 1370 01:11:10,307 --> 01:11:12,306 I'm sorry for drinking all the blood out of your tiger. 1371 01:11:12,307 --> 01:11:16,306 I was going through a weird phase. 1372 01:11:16,307 --> 01:11:18,306 Ah, look, there he is-- 1373 01:11:18,307 --> 01:11:20,306 Jeff Ross. 1374 01:11:20,307 --> 01:11:23,306 Jeff, Jeff, that gaddafi outfit is perfect for you, 1375 01:11:23,307 --> 01:11:26,306 because you have what I would call a Libyan face. 1376 01:11:26,307 --> 01:11:30,307 By that, I mean it's fuckin' revolting. 1377 01:11:31,307 --> 01:11:33,306 Oh, hey, look. Look. 1378 01:11:33,307 --> 01:11:36,306 It's former funnyman jon lovitz. 1379 01:11:36,307 --> 01:11:38,306 Just last week, we were out on the golf course, 1380 01:11:38,307 --> 01:11:40,306 we chatted, had a few laughs, 1381 01:11:40,307 --> 01:11:44,307 then he got back on the mower and drove off. 1382 01:11:47,307 --> 01:11:49,306 And Amy schumer. 1383 01:11:49,307 --> 01:11:50,306 Great job. 1384 01:11:50,307 --> 01:11:53,306 You really fucked me tonight... 1385 01:11:53,307 --> 01:11:56,306 Which I dig, because I'm into anonymous sex. 1386 01:11:56,307 --> 01:12:02,306 And no one's more anonymous here than Amy schumer. 1387 01:12:02,307 --> 01:12:04,306 I mean, I'm Charlie fuckin' sheen. 1388 01:12:04,307 --> 01:12:06,306 They know me on Mars. 1389 01:12:06,307 --> 01:12:10,306 They don't know you in this room. 1390 01:12:10,307 --> 01:12:12,306 You know, I personally asked that William shatner be here, 1391 01:12:12,307 --> 01:12:16,306 only because I needed some clean urine. 1392 01:12:16,307 --> 01:12:17,306 I had to wring it out of the diaper, 1393 01:12:17,307 --> 01:12:18,307 but it did the job. 1394 01:12:25,307 --> 01:12:28,306 Bill, you've always been an inspiration to my acting. 1395 01:12:28,307 --> 01:12:29,306 It was your work on "star trek" 1396 01:12:29,307 --> 01:12:31,306 that inspired me to act like an asshole 1397 01:12:31,307 --> 01:12:35,307 until the rest of the cast stopped speaking to me. 1398 01:12:39,307 --> 01:12:42,306 But, look, look, this has been, um... 1399 01:12:42,307 --> 01:12:45,306 This has been both enlightening and fun. 1400 01:12:45,307 --> 01:12:47,306 You are all worthy adversaries. 1401 01:12:47,307 --> 01:12:49,306 But the thing is, 1402 01:12:49,307 --> 01:12:53,306 once again, I have come out unscathed. 1403 01:12:53,307 --> 01:12:57,307 [Cheers and applause] 1404 01:12:59,307 --> 01:13:01,306 You can't hurt me. 1405 01:13:01,307 --> 01:13:05,306 Hell, I can't even hurt me. 1406 01:13:05,307 --> 01:13:07,306 Drugs couldn't kill me. 1407 01:13:07,307 --> 01:13:09,306 Sex couldn't kill me. 1408 01:13:09,307 --> 01:13:11,306 The press couldn't kill me. 1409 01:13:11,307 --> 01:13:16,306 "Two and a half men" couldn't kill me. 1410 01:13:16,307 --> 01:13:18,306 Did you really think your little jokes 1411 01:13:18,307 --> 01:13:20,306 were gonna hurt me? 1412 01:13:20,307 --> 01:13:24,306 I'm the wild thing-- Ricky fuckin' Vaughn, man. 1413 01:13:24,307 --> 01:13:27,307 [Cheers and applause] 1414 01:13:29,307 --> 01:13:33,306 You're looking at a guy who thrives on chaos. 1415 01:13:33,307 --> 01:13:36,306 At ten years old, I was on the set of "apocalypse now" 1416 01:13:36,307 --> 01:13:38,306 in the philippine jungle, playing with severed heads 1417 01:13:38,307 --> 01:13:41,306 in colonel kurtz's compound. 1418 01:13:41,307 --> 01:13:42,306 When I did "Ferris Bueller," 1419 01:13:42,307 --> 01:13:45,306 my first line in the film was "drugs?" 1420 01:13:45,307 --> 01:13:49,307 I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid. 1421 01:13:55,307 --> 01:13:58,306 After "platoon," "wall street,' and "major league," 1422 01:13:58,307 --> 01:14:02,306 I went on to have the biggest salary on television. 1423 01:14:02,307 --> 01:14:05,306 Sounds great, right? It was. 1424 01:14:05,307 --> 01:14:09,306 No, really. It fuckin' was. 1425 01:14:09,307 --> 01:14:12,306 I did porn stars. I did drugs. 1426 01:14:12,307 --> 01:14:15,306 I had my own television show. 1427 01:14:15,307 --> 01:14:17,306 And then... 1428 01:14:17,307 --> 01:14:19,306 Then I did the one thing that everyone in America 1429 01:14:19,307 --> 01:14:22,306 really wishes they could do. 1430 01:14:22,307 --> 01:14:25,306 I told my boss to fuck off. 1431 01:14:25,307 --> 01:14:28,307 [Cheers and applause] 1432 01:14:32,307 --> 01:14:35,306 And then it was gone... 1433 01:14:35,307 --> 01:14:39,306 In one fiery public flame-out. 1434 01:14:39,307 --> 01:14:41,306 And it was only when the smoke cleared, 1435 01:14:41,307 --> 01:14:45,306 I realized just how lucky I am, 1436 01:14:45,307 --> 01:14:48,306 because even after all that, 1437 01:14:48,307 --> 01:14:50,306 I still have a family that loves me. 1438 01:14:50,307 --> 01:14:53,306 [Cheers and applause] 1439 01:14:53,307 --> 01:14:57,306 That's why they're not here tonight. 1440 01:14:57,307 --> 01:14:59,306 Yeah, they've-- they've seen me in jail. 1441 01:14:59,307 --> 01:15:01,306 They've seen me rushed to emergency rooms. 1442 01:15:01,307 --> 01:15:03,306 They've seen me dragged into court. 1443 01:15:03,307 --> 01:15:07,307 But seeing me on basic cable would kill them. 1444 01:15:11,307 --> 01:15:12,306 But I know-- I know that my family 1445 01:15:12,307 --> 01:15:15,306 will always be there for me, 1446 01:15:15,307 --> 01:15:17,306 so... 1447 01:15:17,307 --> 01:15:19,306 What I'm trying to say is that 1448 01:15:19,307 --> 01:15:21,306 I'm done with "the winning," 1449 01:15:21,307 --> 01:15:24,306 because I've already won. 1450 01:15:24,307 --> 01:15:26,306 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1451 01:15:26,307 --> 01:15:30,307 [Cheers and applause] 1452 01:15:31,307 --> 01:15:34,306 This roast may be over, 1453 01:15:34,307 --> 01:15:36,306 but I'm Charlie sheen. 1454 01:15:36,307 --> 01:15:39,306 And in here-- in here burns 1455 01:15:39,307 --> 01:15:43,306 an eternal fire. 1456 01:15:43,307 --> 01:15:44,306 I just have to remember 1457 01:15:44,307 --> 01:15:48,306 to keep it away from a crack pipe. 1458 01:15:48,307 --> 01:15:50,306 I'll see you all in the next adventure. 1459 01:15:50,307 --> 01:15:51,306 I love you. Good night. Thank you. 1460 01:15:51,307 --> 01:15:53,306 [Cheers and applause] 1461 01:15:53,307 --> 01:15:59,307 [Rock music] 1462 01:16:12,307 --> 01:16:13,306 - Mike. 1463 01:16:13,307 --> 01:16:14,306 - Oh, he's doing it again? - Yeah. 1464 01:16:14,307 --> 01:16:17,306 - This motherfucker. 1465 01:16:17,307 --> 01:16:19,306 - Come on, Steve-O. - Don't hurt me! 1466 01:16:19,307 --> 01:16:21,306 - Oh! 1467 01:16:21,307 --> 01:16:22,306 - Shit, that just went right in his eye. 1468 01:16:22,307 --> 01:16:24,306 That just went right in his eye. 1469 01:16:24,307 --> 01:16:25,306 - Are you okay? - That went right in his eye. 1470 01:16:25,307 --> 01:16:27,306 - Broken nose. - Are you all right? 1471 01:16:27,307 --> 01:16:28,306 - Are you okay? - A broke nose. 1472 01:16:28,307 --> 01:16:30,306 - Oh, shit. - You broke your nose? 1473 01:16:30,307 --> 01:16:31,306 - I'm sorry. 1474 01:16:31,307 --> 01:16:33,306 - It was his fuckin' fault, dude. 1475 01:16:33,307 --> 01:16:35,306 It's not your fault. - We need a medic. 1476 01:16:35,307 --> 01:16:37,306 - I better get out of this fast. - No, no, no. 1477 01:16:37,307 --> 01:16:40,306 It's all good, man. - Uh, Steve-O. 1478 01:16:40,307 --> 01:16:41,306 - Steve-O. - Yeah. 1479 01:16:41,307 --> 01:16:43,306 - What the fuck? - How you feelin'? 1480 01:16:43,307 --> 01:16:44,906 - You're beautiful, man. - I mean, and I'm a sick guy. 1481 01:16:44,907 --> 01:16:45,307 - You're beautiful. 1482 01:16:48,280 --> 01:16:50,279 - If you're gonna have a broken nose, 1483 01:16:50,280 --> 01:16:53,279 that's the fucking way to get it. 1484 01:16:53,280 --> 01:16:54,279 - You were awesome. 1485 01:16:54,280 --> 01:16:56,279 - That's--Charlie, nice work, man. 1486 01:16:56,280 --> 01:16:57,279 You were too. 1487 01:16:57,280 --> 01:16:59,279 - It'll hit me later that I told Mike Tyson he can't read, 1488 01:16:59,280 --> 01:17:01,279 and then I'll shit myself. 1489 01:17:01,280 --> 01:17:03,279 - It was good--everybody was a good sport, actually. 1490 01:17:03,280 --> 01:17:04,279 Especially Charlie. 1491 01:17:04,280 --> 01:17:07,279 - We made it. We survived a roast. 1492 01:17:07,280 --> 01:17:09,279 - So until next time, 1493 01:17:09,280 --> 01:17:11,279 which will be never, 1494 01:17:11,280 --> 01:17:13,279 so long. 1495 01:17:13,280 --> 01:17:15,280 Right on.