1 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:58,432 I canceled the last one. 2 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,976 That's right. Now move, move, move, move. 3 00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:03,979 It's my very special recipe. 4 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,648 We're not gonna make it if we don't hurry. 5 00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,609 You realize how late we... 6 00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,695 I told you, you're gonna break those toys. 7 00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:12,946 Just stop. 8 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,824 Oh, wow! Wait! Santa Claus, come quick. Look. 9 00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:17,451 Incoming! 10 00:01:18,536 --> 00:01:20,204 Take cover! 11 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,423 Let's get them! 12 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:35,511 Come on over here! 13 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,013 Hurry up! Hurry! 14 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,193 It's Lee Majors! 15 00:01:51,694 --> 00:01:53,862 The Six Million Dollar Man. 16 00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,073 Santa, is there a back way out of this place? 17 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:57,241 Of course there is, Lee. 18 00:01:57,408 --> 00:02:00,035 But this is one Santa that's going out the front door. 19 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,162 Look, it don't matter a hill of beans what happens to me. 20 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:03,997 The world couldn't afford it if anything happened to you. 21 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:04,998 Now you stay put. 22 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,167 That's very nice of you, Lee. 23 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:11,880 And, Lee, you've been a real good boy this year. 24 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,925 - Yes, you sure have. - Yeah! 25 00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:18,971 7:00. Psychos seize Santa's workshop. 26 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,222 Eat this. 27 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,141 And only Lee Majors can stop them. 28 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,227 The Night the Reindeer Died. 29 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,942 8:30, and America's best-loved singer 30 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:35,154 invites you to share a home-style holiday 31 00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:40,409 when it's Bob Goulet's Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas. 32 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,294 9:00, IBC presents America's favorite family 33 00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:52,546 in a special Christmas episode. 34 00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,966 Hi, Mom. Where's Dad? He should have been home by now. 35 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,595 Well, Wally, if I know your father, he's out chasing Beaver. 36 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:01,972 Father Loves Beaver. 37 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,934 Here on IBC. You'll love it. 38 00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,501 Show me the Scrooge promo. 39 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:46,558 It was a cold, bleak Christmas... 40 00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:51,188 10:00, IBC presents live, via satellite from New York, 41 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:55,776 Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin, and the Great Barrier Reef, 42 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,528 Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas classic, 43 00:03:58,696 --> 00:03:59,905 Scrooge. 44 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,281 Starring Buddy Hackett, 45 00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:02,449 Jamie Farr, 46 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:03,909 the Solid Gold Dancers, 47 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,995 and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim. 48 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:08,956 Hosted by Sir John Houseman. 49 00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,123 Bah, humbug. 50 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:12,417 Scrooge. It will touch your every heartstring. 51 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:15,003 That's right. It all starts on Christmas Eve. 52 00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,464 Christmas Eve on IBC. 53 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,132 You'll love it. 54 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,055 Oh, my gosh, 55 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,391 does that suck. 56 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,029 You know who loves Mary Lou Retton, Frank? 57 00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:42,447 My kids. 58 00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:45,909 - Yeah. - Children love an acrobat. 59 00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,082 Oh, God. 60 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:56,878 We have spent $40 million on a live TV show. 61 00:04:57,046 --> 00:05:00,799 You guys have got an ad with America's favorite old fart 62 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:04,720 reading a book in front of a fireplace! 63 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:10,392 Now I have to kill all of you. 64 00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:20,485 Mother, help me. 65 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:22,654 Excuse me, sir. 66 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,990 I don't wanna be out of line here, but... 67 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,327 Well, we've been running that spot now for over a month and, 68 00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:30,912 well, it's getting a hell of a response. 69 00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:35,334 I am the youngest president 70 00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:38,920 in the history of television, for a reason. 71 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,381 I know the people. 72 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,302 Well, granted, 73 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,971 but the people already wanna watch the show. 74 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:52,517 That isn't good enough! 75 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,021 They have gotta be so scared to miss it! 76 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,647 So terrified! 77 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:01,943 Now, if I were in charge, 78 00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,612 and I am... 79 00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,369 Perhaps I can help you. 80 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,955 Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up. 81 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,469 Acid rain. 82 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,558 Drug addiction. 83 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,521 International terrorism. 84 00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:40,899 Freeway killers. 85 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,110 Now, more than ever, 86 00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:46,196 it is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas. 87 00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:50,325 Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic, Scrooge. 88 00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:55,163 Your life might just depend on it. 89 00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:02,879 Not bad, eh? 90 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,051 I think they'll like it in the heartlands. 91 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:13,014 I want it every hour, on the hour. 92 00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:14,766 I'll take care of it, Frank. 93 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:18,186 Get me Standards and Practices in here. I want to see Reece. 94 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,188 Excuse me, sir. 95 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,606 Yes? 96 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,733 Mr. Cross, 97 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,863 what exactly does that ad have to do with Scrooge? 98 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,739 Nothing. Why? 99 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,784 Well, you can't show that commercial. 100 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:35,245 If you run that, you're gonna... 101 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,872 You're gonna frighten people. 102 00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:38,373 You think I'm way off base here? 103 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,585 Yes. Well, you're a tad off base, sir. 104 00:07:42,378 --> 00:07:45,797 That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special. 105 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,758 Well, it's a little late to get this kind of feedback. 106 00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:53,680 That's because this is the first time I've ever seen it, sir. 107 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,016 You're right. I sprung it on you. 108 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,934 Well, it's not that bad, it's... 109 00:07:58,102 --> 00:07:59,394 Just lose, like, 110 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,771 you know, the part with the gun and the blood... 111 00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:04,566 - All right, all right. ...and the guy shooting up, and the... 112 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:07,110 If I can change it, I'll let you know in five minutes. 113 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,820 Well, thank you, sir. 114 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:10,697 Thank you. 115 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:14,242 You know, in a lot of ways, I think we're a little bit alike. 116 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,746 Sir, merry Christmas. 117 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,832 - Thanks for the talk. - Thank you. 118 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,460 We don't wanna scare the dickens out of people. 119 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,086 Merry Christmas, Miss Cooley. 120 00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:27,506 The dickens out of people! 121 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,174 Nobody gets me. 122 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,552 Grace, who is that guy? 123 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,930 - Eliot Loudermilk. - OK. 124 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,182 Call Security. Have them change his locks, 125 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,059 clean out his desk and toss him out of the building. 126 00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,477 He's fired? 127 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,605 But it's Christmas! 128 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:44,940 Thank you. 129 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,943 Call Accounting. Stop his bonus. 130 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,447 - A clear shot at his back. - Eliot Loudermilk. 131 00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:54,366 Code 9. 132 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:56,535 Grace, what in the hell is this? 133 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,704 Well, that's a painting one of my kids did. 134 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:02,457 There's Santa Claus, and there's Mrs. Claus. 135 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,168 Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here? 136 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,629 - Eleven. - Eleven. Right. 137 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,298 It's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the walls. 138 00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:11,841 She'll understand. 139 00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:14,469 She's an amazingly understanding woman. 140 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,971 I'll just come home and I'll say, 141 00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:19,432 "Hi, honey. We have to move to a studio apartment. 142 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,642 I hope you don't mind." 143 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,188 Mr. Cross, it's time for your Christmas list. 144 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,941 OK, read me the list. I wanna get this over with. 145 00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,651 Sammy Goldberg. 146 00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,403 Bath towel. 147 00:09:31,612 --> 00:09:32,696 Lou Parker. 148 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:35,073 Send him a VHS home video recorder. 149 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,950 Colonel Tom Parker. 150 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,494 The bath towel. 151 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,830 - Tamara Forristal. - VHS. 152 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,835 You know, there's a lot of virtues in taking a bus to work, you know. 153 00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:50,005 Hi, fellas. Thanks a lot and merry Christmas. 154 00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,632 - Bobby Lou Caluda. - The bath towel. 155 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:56,428 Eliot Loudermilk's leaving early today. 156 00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:58,763 Move. Get out of here. 157 00:09:58,931 --> 00:09:59,973 Done! 158 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:02,475 Four minutes and 40 seconds. 159 00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:04,394 Glenn Glenn Whitacre? 160 00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,896 What was the last rating on Police Zoo? 161 00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:09,733 5.2 Nielsen, 7 in share and a TVQ of 3. 162 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:10,650 Towel! 163 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:12,152 Your brother? 164 00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,781 - Towel. - Your only brother. 165 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,492 Oh, God, Grace. Give it to me. 166 00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:22,370 Get that. 167 00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:23,872 Towel, towel. 168 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,915 - Mr. Cross' office. - Towel. VHS. 169 00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,501 - Thank you. - Most of these are towels. 170 00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,878 Be wrong once, OK? 171 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,172 Mr. Rhinelander's on his way down. 172 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:39,638 Booze. 173 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,389 Pardon me. 174 00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:43,642 Excuse me. 175 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,145 Grace. 176 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,732 Put yourself down for a towel, too. 177 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,150 What about my bonus? 178 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,402 Towel and a face cloth. 179 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:55,695 Shit! 180 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,697 - Frank. - Hey, Pres. 181 00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,824 - What a surprise. - Grace. 182 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,660 You look great. You've been working out. 183 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,328 Why didn't you tell me, Grace? 184 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,206 Preston, just looking at some of this ink we're getting on Scrooge. 185 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,999 Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim. 186 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,251 Can you believe the first director didn't want her? 187 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:11,419 - No. - Well, he does now. 188 00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:12,754 He go bye-bye. 189 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,964 Hey, did you catch her buy on Tiny Tim? 190 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,258 She doesn't just throw away the crutches and walk. 191 00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:18,927 She throws away the crutches, 192 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:22,180 vaults over a lamppost, double somersault, 193 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,599 back into one of these things. 194 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,059 - Frank. - Killer. 195 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,227 Yes, Preston? 196 00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:30,814 Have you any idea how many cats there are in this country? 197 00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:35,360 No. 198 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,404 I don't have those... No. 199 00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:40,031 Twenty-seven million. Do you know how many dogs? 200 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,284 - In America? - Forty-eight million. 201 00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:47,038 - Wow. - We spend $4 billion on pet food alone. 202 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:48,581 Four? 203 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:51,626 Now, I have here a study from Hampstead University 204 00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:55,672 which shows us that cats and dogs are beginning to watch television. 205 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,883 Now, if these scientists are right, 206 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,927 we should start programming right now. 207 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:04,222 Within 20 years, they could become steady viewers. 208 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,725 Programming for cats? 209 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,562 Walk with me, Frank. 210 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,024 Call the police. 211 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,948 Now, I'm not saying, build a whole show around animals. 212 00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,242 - Oh, no. - All I'm suggesting 213 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,495 is that we occasionally throw in a little pet appeal. 214 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:29,372 Some birds, a squirrel. 215 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,332 - Mice. - Mice. Exactly. 216 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,960 Remember Kojak and the lollipops? 217 00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:37,839 What about a cop that dangles string? That's his gimmick. 218 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,383 Lots of quick, random action. 219 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,095 Frank, wasn't there a dormouse in Scrooge? 220 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,849 No. But now that you say it, I always felt that it needed a dormouse. 221 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,018 - Dormice. Better. - Bingo. 222 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:54,272 Frank, this show is the jewel in the IBC crown. 223 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,149 Everything is riding on it. 224 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:59,652 Don't worry, Preston. I'm overseeing every aspect of production. 225 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:00,987 We'll own Christmas. 226 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,281 That's what I wanted to hear. 227 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:07,535 - Lunch tomorrow? Chez Jay? - Right. 228 00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:08,870 - Up, Sid. - Yes, sir. 229 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,289 - Study this. - Thank you. 230 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:12,916 Oh, God. 231 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:16,336 If only I could fire that poor son of a bitch. 232 00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,964 Hey, Frank! Hold that door, will you, pops? 233 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,674 Wait for me a minute, will you? You don't mind? 234 00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:24,219 Hey, it's Brice Cummings. We met at Spago. 235 00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:25,678 Have you seen Preston? 236 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:27,722 Preston just went back upstairs. 237 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,850 I just dropped by to say hello. I went to school with the big guy's son. 238 00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:32,936 You give me a call when you hit the Coast, OK? 239 00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:36,064 Let's go. You know, so, anyway. So, Cosell said... 240 00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,952 Come here. Slam this door. Hard. 241 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:53,540 Grace, I need a full report on a guy named Brice Cummings. 242 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,375 He's an LA slimeball. 243 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,919 OK. You're due at Helmsley Palace at 7:00. 244 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,547 - And I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna take... - No, you're not. 245 00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:02,257 You're staying here with me. We're working late. 246 00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:03,925 I have to take my son to the doctor. 247 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,594 Grace, when I work late, you work late. 248 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:08,555 But I made the appointment two months ago. 249 00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,265 I care! 250 00:14:10,432 --> 00:14:13,518 We're indivisible. If I'm working late, you gotta work late! 251 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,145 If you can't work late, I can't work late! 252 00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:20,233 If I can't work late, I can't work late! 253 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,948 Oh, your brother's waiting inside. 254 00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:31,202 Oh, and I didn't tell him about his great Christmas towel. 255 00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:38,835 Francis. 256 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,297 A little bit rough on her out there, weren't you? 257 00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:45,466 You know what they say about treating people badly on the way up? 258 00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:46,843 Yep. 259 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,429 You get to treat them badly on the way down, too. 260 00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:52,765 It's great. You get two chances to rough them up. 261 00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,606 - Yeah. - Yeah. 262 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,986 Why don't the cops do something about this? 263 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,279 Excuse me, please. 264 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,616 Great. Rip off the hicks, why don't you? Did you learn this song yesterday? 265 00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:10,825 Sweet. 266 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,161 Frank, you don't like Christmas much, do you? 267 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,079 Like it? I love it. 268 00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:17,498 It's cold. The people stay home and watch television. 269 00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:19,208 Ad revenues go up 30%. 270 00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:22,045 All these idiots are gonna be home watching the boob tube for me tonight. 271 00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:24,297 I am the biggest fan that Christmas ever had. 272 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:27,467 So, any chance of you maybe making Christmas dinner this year? 273 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,635 None. 274 00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,678 - Come on. Why not? - Don't start, James. 275 00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:33,389 Come on, the whole family will be there. It'll be fun. 276 00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,142 Look, you can have your concerned and wonderful dinner 277 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:37,477 with all your cool friends 278 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,396 and the real popcorn and the tree and cranberries and everything, 279 00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:43,107 send Christmas cards to each other on recycled paper. 280 00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:44,651 It's a crock, James. 281 00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,194 It's for kids. 282 00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,488 You know, I like seeing you. 283 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,531 I like being with you. 284 00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:54,202 I want you to have a happy New Year. 285 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,536 Taxi! 286 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,121 Merry Christmas. 287 00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:58,665 Taxi! 288 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:03,252 Excuse me, ma'am. I think you dropped something there. 289 00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:05,797 Hey, that's my cab. 290 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,091 Oh, sir, please. I... 291 00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:09,592 Leona Helmsley's and step on it, will you? 292 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,344 You son of a bitch, you should burn in hell! 293 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,721 Bye-bye, grandma. Bye-bye. 294 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:19,477 I got into broadcasting because I like to give. 295 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:24,190 Sometimes I found myself hurting from giving too much, 296 00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:26,901 and I'd say, "Stop it." 297 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,489 I'm always gonna cherish this. 298 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,242 And all of you. 299 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,080 I should have went in there. 300 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:41,958 I should have said, "Frank Cross, you gotta..." 301 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,890 You stinking... You big dog, you... 302 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,234 - $4.85. - Here's $5. 303 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,131 - Mr. Cross. - Mr. Cross. 304 00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:36,763 Wasn't he a medical genius? 305 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:40,975 Calvin, I think "doctor" is a Latin word for "thief." 306 00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:45,772 $200 I don't have to tell me that you don't speak. 307 00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:48,608 I'm your mother. I know you don't speak... 308 00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:49,817 ...yet. 309 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,321 We'll show them, honey. 310 00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:56,657 You're gonna surprise a lot of people. 311 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:57,992 Yes, you are. 312 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,578 You start talking, 313 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,914 then go to law school and sue his butt off. 314 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,165 OK. 315 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,256 Come! 316 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,303 Who's there? 317 00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:47,041 This office is closed! 318 00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,335 This whole wing is closed! 319 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,797 Grace! 320 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,776 That was a good one. 321 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,530 How are you, kid? You're... 322 00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,993 Will you excuse me? I'll make myself a little drink. 323 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,757 I don't mind you hitting me, Frank, but take it easy on the Bacardi. 324 00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,228 God. 325 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,064 To old times, my friend. 326 00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:04,869 Oh, my God. It's... 327 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:08,873 Lew Hayward. Your old boss and your best friend. 328 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,499 But you're... 329 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:16,839 ...dead. - Seven years. 330 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,009 Has it been that long? Jeez, I... 331 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:23,930 I mean, to look at you, I wouldn't have guessed more than three, tops. 332 00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:25,598 Oh, Frank. 333 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,892 Frank, you are in trouble. 334 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,019 - Big trouble. - All right. 335 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:32,188 Let's just say, for argument's sake, 336 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,106 that you're right, that I am in big trouble. 337 00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:35,524 What exactly would that mean? 338 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:38,402 Look at me. Look at your future. 339 00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,738 Now, if you don't change your ways, 340 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:44,325 you're gonna wind up doomed, just as I am. 341 00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:50,081 One minute I'm on the 14th hole at Winged Foot, 342 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,666 lining up a putt. 343 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:55,503 A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast. 344 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,463 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 345 00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,006 You're not a worm feast. 346 00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:02,635 You're a hallucination brought on by alcohol! 347 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,304 Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl! 348 00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,682 I've been under a lot of pressure lately. 349 00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,767 - I've been putting on a big... - Silence! 350 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,813 I had it all. 351 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,856 I was a captain of industry, 352 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,986 feared by men, adored by women. 353 00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:24,573 Adored! Let's be honest, Lew. You paid for the women. 354 00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:28,661 I'm warning you, Frank. Don't waste your life as I did mine. 355 00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:31,872 Waste? How can you say that. You're a legend in this business. 356 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,666 You are the man who invented the miniseries. 357 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,502 Mankind should have been my business. 358 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:40,339 Charity, mercy, kindness, that should have been my business. 359 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,633 Don't wait. Get yourself involved. 360 00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:44,593 Now it's too late for me, but it's not for you. 361 00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:46,095 You can be saved. 362 00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:50,516 You are going to be visited by three ghosts. 363 00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:53,477 - Three ghosts. - Three ghosts, Frank. 364 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,731 Expect the first one tomorrow at noon. 365 00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:59,442 God, tomorrow's bad for me, Lew. 366 00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:02,320 As a matter of fact, the whole rest of the week is a washout. 367 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,572 Well, maybe we could have drinks, say, Thursday. 368 00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,407 You, me, the ghost. Trader Vic's around 4:00? 369 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:09,618 This is no joke, Frank. This is your last chance! 370 00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:12,747 All right. I could squeeze you in for a breakfast. 371 00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:19,587 Oh, no, please. They'll think I'm a suicide. 372 00:22:20,213 --> 00:22:21,339 No. 373 00:22:22,924 --> 00:22:24,425 Oh, God. 374 00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:27,386 We're way up here. Give me a break. 375 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,222 - You can be saved. - Don't let go! 376 00:22:30,390 --> 00:22:32,600 - Don't let me go, Lew! God bless you! - You've got time! 377 00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:35,436 No, no. No, please! 378 00:22:41,943 --> 00:22:44,362 - Merry Christmas. - Don't let me go, Lew! 379 00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:10,137 Hi, this is Claire Phillips. I'm not here, as usual. 380 00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,181 Leave a message for me and I'll call you right back. 381 00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,058 Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. 382 00:23:14,601 --> 00:23:16,060 Speak at the beep. 383 00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,646 Claire! 384 00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,191 This is Frank Cross. 385 00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:24,819 I know it's been... 386 00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:27,655 ...15 years since we talked 387 00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:31,826 but I really need to talk to you right now. 388 00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:34,328 I... Something terrible has happened. 389 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,834 Or maybe not. I don't know. But I... 390 00:23:40,001 --> 00:23:42,837 Whatever, I have to talk to you, no matter what. It's urgent. 391 00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:44,505 Call me at any hour. 392 00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:47,299 My number is 674-9565. 393 00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:51,262 674-95... Damn! 394 00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:21,375 Well? 395 00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:24,420 - Well, what? - Did you get the bonus? 396 00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,507 I'm drying my head with it. 397 00:24:31,928 --> 00:24:33,721 Hey, we'll be all right. Don't worry. 398 00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:37,057 - What are you doing in there? - Trimming the tree. 399 00:24:37,225 --> 00:24:39,727 - We don't have a tree, Mom. - We do now. 400 00:24:41,062 --> 00:24:42,771 - No! - Yes. 401 00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:44,815 Don't plug him in! 402 00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:45,983 Plug him in. 403 00:24:48,111 --> 00:24:50,070 - Look at the little angel. - Take it off. Take it off. 404 00:24:50,238 --> 00:24:51,363 Take it off of him. 405 00:24:51,531 --> 00:24:53,824 But, Mom, he looks so pretty. 406 00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:55,951 He look even cuter than last year. 407 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:57,244 Look at Granny, darling. 408 00:24:57,412 --> 00:24:59,246 Mom, when are we going to get a real tree? 409 00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:00,706 When they're free. 410 00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:05,294 Have you seen this morning's paper, Frank? 411 00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:08,964 - Who's that? She's pretty. - She's dead, Frank. 412 00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:11,342 Apparently, this 80-year-old grandmother 413 00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:14,345 was watching your Scrooge promo last night and she just... 414 00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:16,388 She just keeled over. 415 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:18,599 It scared her to death. 416 00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,022 This is terrific! 417 00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:27,608 I knew that ad worked! 418 00:25:28,485 --> 00:25:30,945 You can't buy publicity like this! 419 00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:34,657 Excuse me. 420 00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,995 Mr. Cross, you're needed on the set. 421 00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:44,375 I want that promo run every half hour. 422 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:45,918 I want a disclaimer at the top. 423 00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:48,254 "Anyone with a heart condition must leave the room." 424 00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:49,421 Will do, Frank. 425 00:25:49,589 --> 00:25:50,881 Right. Where were we? 426 00:25:51,132 --> 00:25:53,050 Buzz, I was being haunted. 427 00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:54,218 OK. 428 00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:56,470 No, it's gotta be real gold. 429 00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,389 I don't understand... 430 00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,974 You can't do this at the eleventh hour. 431 00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:01,475 ...why I can't possibly get anybody 432 00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:02,977 - to do what I want them to do. - Oh, jeez. 433 00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:04,562 - Give me a break. - I'm sorry, Mr. Cross. 434 00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,481 I am the censor, and I will not allow this costume on the air. 435 00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:08,649 Why not? 436 00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:12,278 Well, specifically, you can see her nipples. 437 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,113 I want to see her nipples! 438 00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:16,490 But this is a Christmas show! 439 00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:19,952 Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples then. 440 00:26:21,037 --> 00:26:22,955 You can hardly see them nipples. 441 00:26:23,123 --> 00:26:25,583 See? And these guys are really looking. 442 00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:27,543 You can go shake a tail feather. Thanks. 443 00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:29,753 And thank you. You can just go. 444 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,839 Watch out. 445 00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,259 Thanks, boys. Get the nurse. 446 00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:37,886 Get the nurse. Get the nurse! 447 00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:40,347 Make sure her nipples are covered up, will you? 448 00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:44,268 Lumpy! 449 00:26:57,824 --> 00:26:58,824 Hi. 450 00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:03,954 I'm sorry to just... 451 00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:06,540 Well, I didn't get your message until this morning. 452 00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:09,960 And I tried to call but they said that you weren't in yet. 453 00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:14,089 And then I tried to call back and they said that you were busy, so I just... 454 00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:17,009 God, you look different. 455 00:27:17,719 --> 00:27:19,261 Well, it's been a while. 456 00:27:20,388 --> 00:27:21,930 It's your hair. 457 00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:25,643 I've never seen it so short. It makes you look sort of 458 00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:26,810 grown-up. 459 00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,022 Yo, Frank. Frank! 460 00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:32,524 I mean, Mr. Cross. Check this out, man. 461 00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:36,570 Girls are tough. It's on the money. Check it. Come on. Here we go, ladies. 462 00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:38,614 Would you excuse me for a moment, please? 463 00:27:38,782 --> 00:27:40,616 Five, six, seven, hit it! 464 00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:46,163 - Can I turn her head? - No. 465 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,374 All right. That works. See? 466 00:27:48,541 --> 00:27:51,001 And boom! And boom! 467 00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:53,003 Little booty here for you. 468 00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:55,923 See? Show me a nipple. 469 00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:59,551 See, you just had to see it in context. Can you move her, please? Thanks. 470 00:27:59,719 --> 00:28:01,178 Alley-oop. 471 00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:03,389 Is she gonna be all right? 472 00:28:03,556 --> 00:28:07,101 Oh, yeah. She's a real pro. She's very professional. 473 00:28:07,852 --> 00:28:10,020 What about you? You sounded like you'd seen a ghost. 474 00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:13,023 A ghost? 475 00:28:13,942 --> 00:28:16,110 You mean the phone call last night? 476 00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:20,656 I came across your number and I just had to call you immediately. 477 00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:24,993 I know you, Lumpy. I know that voice. That was the frightened Lumpy I heard. 478 00:28:25,161 --> 00:28:26,412 Excuse me, Lumpy. 479 00:28:26,579 --> 00:28:29,331 Around these parts, most people call me Mr. Cross. 480 00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:31,583 I'm sorry. I'm new here and I got a problem. 481 00:28:31,751 --> 00:28:33,085 I'll bet. What? 482 00:28:33,253 --> 00:28:35,337 Well, my problem is this little fella. 483 00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:39,299 I can't get the antlers glued onto this little guy. 484 00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:41,176 We've tried Krazy Glue, but it don't work. 485 00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:43,470 - Have you tried staples? - Staples? 486 00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:44,847 Don't you dare. 487 00:28:45,014 --> 00:28:47,599 If you staple that little mouse, I'll call the Humane Society. 488 00:28:47,767 --> 00:28:48,767 I'm not kidding. 489 00:28:48,935 --> 00:28:50,728 I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt this little fella. 490 00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:53,564 Hey, Marlin Perkins. The road. 491 00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:54,773 I have three dogs and a cat at home. 492 00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:57,693 Oh, beautiful story. Tell Reader's Digest, will you? 493 00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:00,404 Staples? 494 00:29:02,115 --> 00:29:03,782 Same old Claire. 495 00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:06,034 Still trying to save the world. 496 00:29:07,162 --> 00:29:08,954 You still trying to run it? 497 00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,332 Hip-hop, hip-hop. Let's go. 498 00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:14,752 - Get out of here! - Oh, OK. 499 00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:18,088 - You called me. - Who are you anyway? 500 00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:20,299 You little worm. 501 00:29:20,967 --> 00:29:23,510 Who are you? How'd you get in here? 502 00:29:23,678 --> 00:29:26,680 Well, maybe you'll answer some questions downtown, huh, my friend? 503 00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:28,766 What the hell is going on? 504 00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:32,811 - This is my little boy. - All right, you beat him. 505 00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,439 - Does he work here? - No, he does not. 506 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:38,859 I thought it would be fun for him to see a live television show. 507 00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:41,028 You see anybody having fun here? 508 00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:44,948 Why are you so angry? 509 00:29:45,116 --> 00:29:47,409 Why haven't you ever learned how to button a coat? 510 00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:48,786 Well... 511 00:29:48,995 --> 00:29:51,497 You know me. I just... I was in a hurry. 512 00:29:52,749 --> 00:29:55,375 - Heads up. - Heads up. Ladder coming through. 513 00:29:59,506 --> 00:30:01,965 I'm sorry to have called so late last night. 514 00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:04,092 I must have woken up your husband and your kids. 515 00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:08,180 No, no. I've never gotten married. I'm still on my own. 516 00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:09,348 You? 517 00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:11,725 No. 518 00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:13,310 - No? - No. 519 00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,940 Would you hold the goddamn hammering, please? 520 00:30:18,107 --> 00:30:20,275 - Yes, sir. - I better go. You're busy. 521 00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,236 No! No, don't go. 522 00:30:22,403 --> 00:30:26,365 Would you hold the goddamn hammering, 523 00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:27,825 - please? - Frank. 524 00:30:28,117 --> 00:30:30,369 Frank, what did happen last night? 525 00:30:32,580 --> 00:30:33,997 Claire, it was something that I ate. 526 00:30:34,165 --> 00:30:37,000 It was probably a bad clam or something. We don't know yet. 527 00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:42,422 Well, if it happens again... 528 00:30:44,425 --> 00:30:47,970 ...give me a call here. I'm hardly ever home. 529 00:30:48,137 --> 00:30:51,306 I'm definitely gonna call because I'm a seafood nut. 530 00:30:51,474 --> 00:30:53,684 And, you know, to not eat clams is... 531 00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,102 What the hell's life for? 532 00:30:58,106 --> 00:31:01,483 Would you please, for the love of God, 533 00:31:01,651 --> 00:31:04,319 and your own body, hold the hammering? 534 00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:06,238 Claire. 535 00:31:06,573 --> 00:31:09,074 Sir, it's the Times. They want a reaction to the woman's death. 536 00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:11,159 Well, we slapped her in the face and got her attention. 537 00:31:11,327 --> 00:31:12,619 It was probably something she ate. 538 00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:15,664 He said that it was probably something that she ate. 539 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:18,625 This is Frank Cross. 540 00:31:18,793 --> 00:31:21,920 We at IBC are shocked and appalled by this senseless tragedy. 541 00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,131 Coming as it does at this season of giving... 542 00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:27,926 Would you please hold the goddamn hammering? 543 00:31:28,094 --> 00:31:29,344 Now! 544 00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:30,637 You got it. 545 00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:41,148 Oh, shit! 546 00:31:42,817 --> 00:31:44,401 I'm going to lunch. 547 00:31:44,986 --> 00:31:47,738 So, how's everything going, Frank? 548 00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:49,948 Couldn't be better, Preston. 549 00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:53,660 Mr. Rhinelander, hello. Mr. Cross. 550 00:31:53,828 --> 00:31:56,038 May I get you gentlemen something from the bar? 551 00:31:56,205 --> 00:31:58,165 Yes. I'd like a highball. 552 00:31:58,333 --> 00:31:59,875 I'll have a highball, too. 553 00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:09,968 You've heard from the embassy? 554 00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:11,345 Yes, everything's fine. 555 00:32:11,512 --> 00:32:13,180 We're gonna be switching live 556 00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:17,225 back and forth from our Scrooge in the studio to Berlin 557 00:32:17,393 --> 00:32:20,437 where we've got LeRoy Neiman painting the Wall for us. 558 00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:22,356 Then we're gonna shoot on out to Africa 559 00:32:22,523 --> 00:32:25,442 where the Holy Father is gonna bless the entire Zulu nation. 560 00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:28,445 We think it's the largest baptism of all time. 561 00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:30,364 That's just the point, Frank. 562 00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:32,699 I'm afraid you might be spreading yourself a little thin. 563 00:32:32,867 --> 00:32:36,703 So I've taken the liberty of hiring somebody to work with you. 564 00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:39,915 - Oh, great. - I knew you'd be pleased. 565 00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:42,209 I couldn't be more pleased. 566 00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:44,711 - Who is it? - Pellegrino, rocks, twist. 567 00:32:44,879 --> 00:32:48,048 Well, we meet again, huh? How are you? 568 00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:50,634 Oh, look at this. Blue is a bad color for New York. 569 00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:53,345 Frank, I realize this is coming at you pretty damn fast, 570 00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:56,640 but I want you to understand that my only function here 571 00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:59,142 is to take some of the burden off of your shoulders. 572 00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:02,229 A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat. 573 00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:03,605 It's only natural. 574 00:33:03,898 --> 00:33:04,982 That's me. 575 00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:09,069 You are going to be visited by three ghosts. 576 00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:12,239 Expect the first one tomorrow at noon. 577 00:33:12,407 --> 00:33:14,658 Frank, I realize this is coming at you pretty damn fast, 578 00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:16,785 but I want you to understand that my only function here 579 00:33:16,953 --> 00:33:18,787 is to take some of the burden off of your shoulders. 580 00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:20,914 A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat. 581 00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:22,833 It's only natural. But, whoop, that's me. 582 00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:25,460 Have you ever seen a watch like this? It's a real beauty, isn't it? 583 00:33:25,628 --> 00:33:26,670 My dad gave me this. 584 00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:36,138 But... 585 00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:42,477 But when Preston hired me this morning 586 00:33:42,645 --> 00:33:43,979 as a sort of, what? 587 00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:46,606 A consultant, I suppose you might say, 588 00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:50,110 I said to him, "Consider me just one of the team." 589 00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:55,073 My lacrosse coach used to say, 590 00:33:55,241 --> 00:33:58,160 "There is no 'I' in T-E-A-M." 591 00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:00,454 Here we are, gentlemen. 592 00:34:00,621 --> 00:34:01,830 - This one for you, sir. - Thank you. 593 00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:03,999 And one for you. 594 00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:24,853 - I'm terribly sorry. I... - Are you him? 595 00:34:25,646 --> 00:34:27,022 Are you him? 596 00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:29,357 Are you he? 597 00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:31,985 I'll take it away. 598 00:34:33,654 --> 00:34:34,654 Now don't... 599 00:34:35,907 --> 00:34:37,616 Don't come apart on me, Frank. 600 00:34:39,660 --> 00:34:40,702 No. 601 00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:43,789 No. What was that that your lacrosse coach said? 602 00:34:43,956 --> 00:34:45,832 No, the point is, Frank... 603 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:47,793 Excuse me, gentlemen, are you ready to order? 604 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:51,088 Great. Yeah. I'll have the California health plate. 605 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:52,839 No dairy in that, huh? 606 00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:56,718 - How's the rack of lamb today, Bobby? - Excellent choice, sir. 607 00:34:57,678 --> 00:34:58,970 Sir? 608 00:35:00,723 --> 00:35:01,890 Oh, my God. 609 00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:05,018 Bobby. 610 00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:06,895 Bobby, look! Somebody save him! 611 00:35:07,063 --> 00:35:08,855 Oh, no. That's a baked Alaska, sir. 612 00:35:09,023 --> 00:35:11,066 No, that's a dessert. You wouldn't want that, sir. 613 00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:14,194 - Look! - Oh, no, no, no, sir. 614 00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:17,322 That gentleman had a meatloaf. You wouldn't want that, sir. 615 00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,367 It's not very... It's full of... Sir? 616 00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:24,496 - I'm gonna have... - Have? 617 00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:26,331 I'm gonna go have some air. 618 00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:27,833 Excuse me. 619 00:35:36,217 --> 00:35:37,676 I'm sorry. 620 00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:41,346 You know, I thought you were Richard Pryor. 621 00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:56,820 - Get me a cab! - Yes, sir. 622 00:36:09,625 --> 00:36:11,418 All right, cut through the park and take me over to... 623 00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:14,254 Hey, man! 624 00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:18,758 Watch out! 625 00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:30,770 Wrong way, jerk! 626 00:36:30,938 --> 00:36:33,064 Nice hit back there! Solid hit! 627 00:36:33,983 --> 00:36:37,485 - You're going the wrong way! - Relax, Frank. Enjoy the ride. 628 00:36:37,653 --> 00:36:41,114 - How do you know my name? - I know absolutely everything, Frank. 629 00:36:41,282 --> 00:36:44,576 You see, I'm the ghost. 630 00:36:56,756 --> 00:37:00,300 - You don't mind if I smoke, do you? - Smoke! Smoke! Just drive! 631 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:13,188 Oh, thanks, pal. 632 00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:27,661 What did you do? What did you do? What did you do? 633 00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:32,165 That's not funny! Not funny! 634 00:37:33,501 --> 00:37:36,127 All right! Pull over! Pull over! 635 00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:45,053 - Where are we? - "Where are we?" 636 00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:47,347 You mean, "When are we?" 637 00:37:53,062 --> 00:37:54,354 Look out! 638 00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:59,401 Go back to Jersey, you moron! 639 00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:05,532 - Take me home right now. - You got it, pal. 640 00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:16,084 Welcome home, Frankie. 641 00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:19,546 Oh, my God! 642 00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:23,258 This is where I grew up. 643 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,386 - I thought they tore this place down. - They did. 644 00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:29,222 Guess my dad hasn't put up our Christmas lights yet. 645 00:38:29,390 --> 00:38:32,934 Oh, for Christ's sakes, Frank, it's Christmas Eve. 646 00:38:35,396 --> 00:38:36,646 I get it. 647 00:38:36,814 --> 00:38:40,150 You're taking me back in time to show me my mother and father, 648 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,569 and I'm supposed to get all goosey and blubbery. 649 00:38:42,737 --> 00:38:44,821 Well, forget it pal, you got the wrong guy. 650 00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:47,490 That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. 651 00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:51,786 But when he saw his mother, Niagara Falls. 652 00:38:52,413 --> 00:38:54,164 Let's get this over with. 653 00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:05,592 That was a great joke. 654 00:39:05,926 --> 00:39:07,594 I love that bit! 655 00:39:11,265 --> 00:39:13,433 Quiet. Somebody will call the cops. 656 00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:16,227 Oh, relax, Frank. 657 00:39:16,395 --> 00:39:20,899 They can't hear us. They can't see us. This is not live. It's like a rerun. 658 00:39:21,108 --> 00:39:22,484 Check it out. 659 00:39:24,153 --> 00:39:25,320 See? Here I am. 660 00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:28,031 We all drink our chocolate-flavored Ovaltine every day 661 00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:30,283 to help give us what we need for rocket power. 662 00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:34,454 The Lone Ranger! 663 00:39:39,293 --> 00:39:40,293 That's the... 664 00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:48,259 Hello, Earl. 665 00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:57,644 Here, Francis. 666 00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:01,314 I've got something for you. Merry Christmas. 667 00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:05,402 - A choo-choo train? - No, it's five pounds of veal. 668 00:40:06,821 --> 00:40:10,031 But, Daddy, I asked Santa for a choo-choo. 669 00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:13,993 Then go out and get a job and buy a choo-choo. 670 00:40:14,328 --> 00:40:16,663 Earl, he's only four years old. 671 00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:19,999 All day long, I listen to people give excuses why they can't work. 672 00:40:20,167 --> 00:40:22,836 "My back hurts. My legs ache. 673 00:40:23,671 --> 00:40:25,380 I'm only four!" 674 00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:28,633 The sooner he learns that life isn't given to you 675 00:40:28,801 --> 00:40:30,510 on a silver platter, the better! 676 00:40:34,181 --> 00:40:37,267 You know, we've all been doing everything we possibly can... 677 00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:38,768 I'm going up. 678 00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:44,107 Baby, don't watch too much TV. It's bad for your eyes. 679 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,442 OK, Mommy. 680 00:40:47,319 --> 00:40:49,028 Merry Christmas, Frankie angel. 681 00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:51,489 Merry Christmas to you, Mama. 682 00:41:04,378 --> 00:41:07,046 Niagara Falls, Frankie angel. 683 00:41:15,764 --> 00:41:17,724 I was touched by a gift. 684 00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:21,060 A four-year-old kid receives what in today's marketplace 685 00:41:21,228 --> 00:41:24,022 is a $40 or $50 piece of milk-fed veal. 686 00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:28,193 Frank, you still spent the next 15 years of your life 687 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:29,944 sitting on your ass watching television. 688 00:41:30,112 --> 00:41:32,906 Check the records, chump. I did some stuff. 689 00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:35,325 I was a baseball player. 690 00:41:35,493 --> 00:41:37,911 One year, I hit the home run that won the big game. 691 00:41:38,078 --> 00:41:41,414 That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father. 692 00:41:45,085 --> 00:41:46,461 There was another time, though, 693 00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:49,088 that I was running down a hillside that was covered with flowers, 694 00:41:49,256 --> 00:41:52,675 and there was a beautiful girl, like 15, with pigtails. 695 00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,511 - And she was waiting for me. - You are so pathetic! 696 00:41:54,678 --> 00:41:56,346 And her parents didn't know she snuck out of the house. 697 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:59,098 That was the Little House on the Prairie! 698 00:42:02,853 --> 00:42:04,604 Was it the "Homecoming" episode of Little House? 699 00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:07,941 Yes, it was the "Homecoming" episode of Little House. 700 00:42:08,108 --> 00:42:09,317 Let's face it, Frank. 701 00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:11,903 Garden slugs got more out of life than you did. 702 00:42:13,072 --> 00:42:14,364 Name one. 703 00:42:16,116 --> 00:42:17,534 Take me to my office. 704 00:42:17,993 --> 00:42:19,035 Gladly! 705 00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:23,831 - Where are we? - It's your office. 706 00:42:23,999 --> 00:42:26,459 - Isn't that where you wanted to go? - What's going on? 707 00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,336 It's their Christmas party. 708 00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:30,463 They've had Christmas parties here 709 00:42:30,631 --> 00:42:32,715 since the dawn of the golden age of television. 710 00:42:32,883 --> 00:42:35,301 Till you took over, you big stiff. 711 00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:40,431 Merry Christmas. Pass those out. 712 00:42:45,854 --> 00:42:48,439 Brook, Brook. Hey, wait for me. 713 00:42:58,325 --> 00:43:00,535 Hey, hey! Hey, hey, Fred! Fred! 714 00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:03,454 - It's Frank, Mr. Hayward. - Frank. 715 00:43:03,664 --> 00:43:06,416 You didn't happen to notice a big Christmas party 716 00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:09,085 - going on around here, did you? - Yes, I did see one, sir. 717 00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:11,337 I'm gonna be right on it. I'm just gonna finish this. 718 00:43:11,505 --> 00:43:12,589 OK. 719 00:43:14,508 --> 00:43:17,427 - Merry Christmas! - Why, thank you, Tina. 720 00:43:18,929 --> 00:43:21,055 - Frank! Frank! - Oh, hi. 721 00:43:21,223 --> 00:43:23,141 - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Tina. 722 00:43:23,309 --> 00:43:25,476 You're not leaving, are you? You wanna go get some Chinese food? 723 00:43:25,644 --> 00:43:27,729 Oh, wow, no. You're not supposed to eat that stuff. 724 00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:29,856 They found out that they're cutting up the alley cats 725 00:43:30,024 --> 00:43:31,733 and using them in chop suey. It's a real bummer. 726 00:43:31,900 --> 00:43:33,443 Don't eat that stuff. 727 00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:37,280 You idiot! You moron, get back there! 728 00:43:37,573 --> 00:43:39,032 I don't believe myself. 729 00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:40,742 What an idiot I am! 730 00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:42,243 Did you see that Tina? 731 00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:44,954 Frankie, I'm not that dead. Now come on. 732 00:43:45,122 --> 00:43:48,708 I must have been out of my mind! She was crazy about me. 733 00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:51,252 Not that one, Frankie. Not that one. 734 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:52,420 This one. 735 00:43:55,257 --> 00:43:58,468 Cupid's arrow, right between the eyes. 736 00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:01,012 Oh, God! Are you all right? 737 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:03,556 You know, you probably shouldn't move someone 738 00:44:03,724 --> 00:44:05,725 who's had a bad blow to the head. 739 00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:12,940 - Where did I get you? - You got me right here. 740 00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:15,860 And the sidewalk got me back here. 741 00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:20,239 It's gonna be quite a lump. I'm sorry. Here. 742 00:44:24,536 --> 00:44:26,371 Is this yours? 743 00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,581 Yes, it is. Thank you. 744 00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:31,501 You had some things, didn't you? 745 00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:32,835 - Yes. - Here. 746 00:44:36,340 --> 00:44:39,133 All right. Tell you what. I'll go down for them. 747 00:44:39,301 --> 00:44:41,260 OK. Good idea. 748 00:44:41,428 --> 00:44:43,930 - Wait for me. Yeah? - Yes, I'll wait. 749 00:44:51,188 --> 00:44:53,439 - Thanks, Lumpy. - Thank you. 750 00:44:55,484 --> 00:44:57,235 - Merry Christmas. - Say, 751 00:44:57,444 --> 00:44:59,112 would you like to go to a Christmas party 752 00:44:59,279 --> 00:45:01,531 - that's going on right now? - Not really. 753 00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:03,032 Neither would I. 754 00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:05,660 Young lady! 755 00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:08,663 Do you shop here all the time? 756 00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:11,582 Because if you do, I can walk on the other side of the street. 757 00:45:19,967 --> 00:45:22,677 Would you like to go get some Chinese food? 758 00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:29,267 - All right, what's going on? - You are gonna love this. 759 00:45:29,893 --> 00:45:31,602 - Claire? - Yeah. 760 00:45:31,770 --> 00:45:33,312 Claire? 761 00:45:34,064 --> 00:45:36,441 Yeah, what is it? I'm in the tub. 762 00:45:36,650 --> 00:45:38,943 Can't we open the presents now? 763 00:45:40,487 --> 00:45:41,904 What are you doing? 764 00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:43,281 Oh, come on, don't be a creep. 765 00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:45,950 - Yeah, you had it all, let me tell you. - Yeah. Look at something else. 766 00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:48,536 Hey, look, there's a gorilla climbing up on that big building. 767 00:45:52,624 --> 00:45:54,125 When can we open these? 768 00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:58,171 You can open one on Christmas Eve. That's what we always did in my family. 769 00:45:58,338 --> 00:46:00,882 You have to wait until Christmas morning to open the rest. 770 00:46:01,049 --> 00:46:02,175 Isn't that what you did? 771 00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:05,470 Well, if it were gonna spoil, we opened it the night before. 772 00:46:06,054 --> 00:46:08,806 Well, you wanna open this one? 773 00:46:09,224 --> 00:46:10,808 Is this for me? 774 00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,864 Knives! 775 00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,949 Oh, good! 776 00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:30,369 Oh, lots of knives. 777 00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,371 I got her these great knives. 778 00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:34,290 - They're super sharp. - I know, I know. 779 00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:36,209 - They don't make them in the States. - Ginsu knives. 780 00:46:36,376 --> 00:46:37,460 - They are really sharp. - They cut cans. 781 00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:40,588 You can cut a tin can as easily as a tomato. 782 00:46:45,177 --> 00:46:46,302 Your turn. 783 00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:50,056 I've never liked a girl enough to give her 12 sharp knives. 784 00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,393 OK. You're gonna like this. 785 00:46:56,438 --> 00:46:57,980 "To Lump." 786 00:46:58,649 --> 00:47:00,608 "Love, Claire." 787 00:47:07,115 --> 00:47:09,075 You're such an animal. 788 00:47:13,247 --> 00:47:16,332 "The Kama Sutra. The Hindu art of love." 789 00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:18,960 Read the inscription. 790 00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,297 No. You read the inscription. It says "Christmas," 791 00:47:23,465 --> 00:47:24,674 and then the rest is... 792 00:47:24,842 --> 00:47:26,551 - It's Sanskrit. - It's Sanskrit. 793 00:47:27,052 --> 00:47:30,513 I didn't need any kind of manual. I want you to know that. 794 00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:35,726 Don't blow the ending for me now. 795 00:47:38,355 --> 00:47:40,565 - Did that. - With who? 796 00:47:40,732 --> 00:47:42,191 - Did it. - Yeah. 797 00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:43,651 Done this. 798 00:47:45,279 --> 00:47:47,822 Done this. Buddy of mine did this. 799 00:47:48,991 --> 00:47:51,450 Now this is ridiculous. I don't believe this for a second. 800 00:47:51,618 --> 00:47:53,202 - What? - Says there's a place that 801 00:47:53,370 --> 00:47:55,663 you can touch a woman that will make her bark like a dog. 802 00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:03,129 Lassie's come home. 803 00:48:03,797 --> 00:48:06,507 Lassie, go get Gramps. Go get Gramps, Lassie. 804 00:48:07,259 --> 00:48:09,594 I wonder if you're female. Let's turn her over and find out. 805 00:48:09,761 --> 00:48:12,972 Hey. Oh, what a nice coat you have. 806 00:48:13,140 --> 00:48:16,058 I think I should give you a bath every week. 807 00:48:21,857 --> 00:48:23,733 Good morning, kiddos! 808 00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:26,152 This is Mike the Mailman! 809 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,778 Hey, Frisbee! 810 00:48:28,655 --> 00:48:30,740 I got something for you. 811 00:48:31,283 --> 00:48:33,159 Come on. Oh, there he is. 812 00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:35,411 I really gotta watch out for this one, eh? 813 00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:39,540 What goodies does he have? Is it a pair of mittens? 814 00:48:39,708 --> 00:48:41,584 It's a bone! 815 00:48:42,502 --> 00:48:45,338 What could it be? Is it a book? 816 00:48:45,505 --> 00:48:47,173 It's a bone! 817 00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:49,467 You can't figure it out, can you, Frisbee? 818 00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:52,887 It's a bone, you lucky dog! 819 00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:55,431 It's a bone, you betcha! 820 00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:00,853 Oh, kids, isn't this terrific? 821 00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:02,772 Lassie's a pretty good friend, eh? 822 00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:05,650 And we're into a commercial break, folks. 823 00:49:13,408 --> 00:49:16,369 - Very good, kid. Very good. - Thank you. Thank you. 824 00:49:16,536 --> 00:49:18,245 So, how many reservations should I make? 825 00:49:18,413 --> 00:49:21,374 Oh, yes. There'll be you, me, my wife... 826 00:49:21,541 --> 00:49:23,584 No, your wife's in Palm Springs. 827 00:49:23,752 --> 00:49:26,420 Oh, yes, yes. I forgot. Of course. 828 00:49:26,588 --> 00:49:29,173 Well, I guess then it will be you and me. 829 00:49:31,551 --> 00:49:34,720 And Frank. Frank, I want you to have dinner with us tonight. 830 00:49:34,888 --> 00:49:36,180 - You and your girl. - Claire. 831 00:49:36,348 --> 00:49:37,556 Right, Claire. 832 00:49:37,891 --> 00:49:40,101 And order us a stretch limo, too. See you downstairs. 833 00:49:40,268 --> 00:49:41,602 OK. 834 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,065 - Hello. Why, you're Claire. - Yes, nice to meet you. 835 00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:48,901 Oh, hi, sweetheart. 836 00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:52,279 You almost ready? 837 00:49:53,991 --> 00:49:56,242 The president of the network just invited us to dinner. 838 00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:57,535 Oh, no, we can't tonight. 839 00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,912 We're going to David and Kate's for dinner. 840 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:01,622 We planned it for a month. 841 00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:04,625 But you can't expect a man like this to make plans a month in advance. 842 00:50:04,793 --> 00:50:06,919 We can have dinner with them next week. 843 00:50:07,087 --> 00:50:08,295 Next week? 844 00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:10,631 It's Christmas Eve. They're our best friends. 845 00:50:10,799 --> 00:50:12,550 It only comes once a year. 846 00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:14,176 Thanks, Phil, babe. 847 00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,012 Yeah, it is Christmas. 848 00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:18,347 It's a time to be a little bit less selfish, you know. 849 00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:21,976 Maybe if you could put my needs and the needs of the Frisbee Show 850 00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:23,644 ahead of your own needs... 851 00:50:23,812 --> 00:50:26,480 I mean, I have been fighting for the integrity of this show. 852 00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:27,815 This is the opportunity of a lifetime. 853 00:50:27,983 --> 00:50:30,401 - I'm sorry. - Sixty seconds! 854 00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:34,530 I guess I didn't realize how important it is to you. 855 00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:38,451 Well, I'm willing to forgive you once in a while. I am. 856 00:50:39,911 --> 00:50:40,911 Frank, look. 857 00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:45,207 Maybe we should separate for a while. 858 00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:48,169 - Excuse me. - Estelle? 859 00:50:48,336 --> 00:50:49,378 - Yeah? - When is that limo leaving? 860 00:50:49,546 --> 00:50:52,298 Oh, right after the show. You know how he is. 861 00:50:53,091 --> 00:50:54,467 For a while 862 00:50:55,093 --> 00:50:56,385 and see how it goes. 863 00:50:56,553 --> 00:50:58,846 I mean, I know you've been under a lot of pressure. 864 00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:02,641 Oh, it's been rough. 865 00:51:11,109 --> 00:51:13,944 All right. I'll try to come over later if I can. 866 00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:16,363 Fifteen seconds. 867 00:51:24,831 --> 00:51:27,083 I'll tell them that you got hung up. 868 00:51:29,377 --> 00:51:30,669 Lumpy. 869 00:51:33,381 --> 00:51:35,007 Merry Christmas. 870 00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:42,681 Five, four, three, two, one. 871 00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:43,849 OK, kiddos... 872 00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:47,144 You left Claire for Frisbee the Dog? 873 00:51:48,271 --> 00:51:50,606 Frank, let me sum this up for you. 874 00:51:50,774 --> 00:51:54,193 You don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, 875 00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:57,363 and you don't know what the hell is going on. 876 00:51:58,115 --> 00:51:59,698 I've made a few mistakes. 877 00:52:00,242 --> 00:52:01,784 I gotta live with that. 878 00:52:03,203 --> 00:52:05,287 But I know who I am. 879 00:52:05,789 --> 00:52:07,540 I know what I want. 880 00:52:07,958 --> 00:52:09,083 And I know what's going on. 881 00:52:09,918 --> 00:52:12,002 Hey, Frank. Over here. 882 00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:13,546 What's going on? 883 00:52:13,713 --> 00:52:16,340 How am I supposed to know? I'm only the ghost. 884 00:52:16,508 --> 00:52:19,218 So long, sucker! 885 00:52:20,804 --> 00:52:22,680 Hold on! Hello, taxi! 886 00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:32,314 I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one by one 887 00:52:32,482 --> 00:52:35,693 till the master passion, greed, engrosses you. 888 00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:38,654 Farewell, Ebenezer. 889 00:52:39,739 --> 00:52:42,783 May you be happy with the path that you have chosen. 890 00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:46,954 Well, I am happy with the path that I've chosen, you little bitch! 891 00:52:47,122 --> 00:52:48,706 In fact, I couldn't be happier! 892 00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:51,542 What are you? Crazy? 893 00:52:51,751 --> 00:52:53,127 Yeah, Buddy, I'm crazy! 894 00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,212 Crazy like a fox! 895 00:52:55,380 --> 00:52:58,090 Crazy enough to see through your little tricks. 896 00:52:58,383 --> 00:53:00,593 I'm back. I can see now. 897 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:03,012 No one could have been that simple and good, 898 00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:07,308 and sweet, and kind, and decent, yet caring, wonderful. 899 00:53:07,475 --> 00:53:09,810 Not on this planet! No, baby. 900 00:53:09,978 --> 00:53:12,980 Not unless they had something to hide, some sort of trick up their sleeve. 901 00:53:13,148 --> 00:53:14,940 You wouldn't try to trick me, would you? 902 00:53:15,108 --> 00:53:18,444 Don't try to trick me today because I'm back, Jack! 903 00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:22,072 Maybe we'll just check things out over there at Operation Reach Out. 904 00:53:22,407 --> 00:53:23,407 Pick a side, grandma. 905 00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:24,742 Goodbye. Thank you. 906 00:53:24,910 --> 00:53:27,286 ...blood drive. $20 a pint. Come on, folks. 907 00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:30,539 Here's a happy donor. Thank you so much. 908 00:53:31,958 --> 00:53:33,584 Merry Christmas. 909 00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:40,799 Well, just for the record, you left me. 910 00:53:40,967 --> 00:53:44,136 You had to go somewhere and get your head together or something. 911 00:53:44,304 --> 00:53:47,097 Well, baby, my head is just fine. Check it out! 912 00:53:47,265 --> 00:53:48,933 It's right here where it belongs! 913 00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:53,854 What's the point? It's lonely at the top? 914 00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:55,940 It's not lonely at the top. 915 00:53:56,107 --> 00:53:59,443 Oh, maybe around my birthday and at sunset. 916 00:53:59,611 --> 00:54:00,986 And there have been a couple of weekends 917 00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:03,864 that would have raised hell with even a really normal person! 918 00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:07,368 But that's me. I'm a widow of business. 919 00:54:07,702 --> 00:54:09,954 That's my life! I've chosen it! 920 00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:13,624 At least I work someplace that you can find when you're looking for it! 921 00:54:15,585 --> 00:54:17,962 OK, here we are now. 922 00:54:18,588 --> 00:54:20,839 When I want a wife, 923 00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:23,008 I'm gonna buy one! 924 00:54:24,177 --> 00:54:26,679 And she's going to be devoted to me, 925 00:54:26,846 --> 00:54:29,223 to my wants and my needs, 926 00:54:29,391 --> 00:54:30,933 not like you! 927 00:54:31,309 --> 00:54:33,519 Let's face it, you treated me like dirt! 928 00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:35,854 Oh, Lord! Another wild and wooly one. 929 00:54:36,022 --> 00:54:39,149 Honey, you look frozen. Come over here. 930 00:54:39,317 --> 00:54:41,360 Let me get you a nice hot cup of coffee. 931 00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:43,195 And now you sit right there, I'll bring it to you. 932 00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:44,613 Robert, get up! 933 00:54:44,781 --> 00:54:46,573 Hi, Dick. Herman. 934 00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:48,742 I'm Billy. 935 00:54:48,910 --> 00:54:50,661 Eva. Eva. That's me. 936 00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,247 - Oh, cocktail hour. - Drink for Mr. Richard Burton. 937 00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:55,124 - Drink up. - Here, Dave. 938 00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:56,917 Drink just for me. 939 00:54:57,460 --> 00:54:58,877 For you, Dave. 940 00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,632 That Dick sure knows how to live, huh? 941 00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:05,134 Why do you keep calling me Dick? 942 00:55:05,302 --> 00:55:07,219 I'm sorry, Mr. Burton. 943 00:55:07,387 --> 00:55:10,889 Maybe we don't know you well enough to call you Dick 944 00:55:11,057 --> 00:55:13,392 but after Exorcist II and Night of the Iguana, 945 00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:15,185 we thought we had something special. 946 00:55:15,353 --> 00:55:18,022 So could you please just do a couple of lines from Hamlet? 947 00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:19,982 - Please. - Or The Sandpiper? 948 00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,109 Leave me alone! 949 00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:25,821 - Do Cleopatra for me, please, Dick. - Please do it. 950 00:55:25,989 --> 00:55:28,490 - Please, do it for Eva. - Yeah. 951 00:55:28,658 --> 00:55:31,076 I am Mark Antony... 952 00:55:31,244 --> 00:55:33,620 All those who don't know Abyssinia, 953 00:55:33,788 --> 00:55:36,373 to know the rain before nightfall of Cheops. 954 00:55:36,958 --> 00:55:38,667 I swear. By thee I full swear. 955 00:55:38,835 --> 00:55:41,420 Oh, isn't that marvelous? 956 00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,964 - Now beat it before I beat you! - Eagles. 957 00:55:44,132 --> 00:55:46,258 - Where Eagles Dare. - Yeah. 958 00:55:48,053 --> 00:55:51,096 - Lumpy, what a surprise! - Oh, God! Oh, God! Claire! 959 00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:55,142 - What are you doing here? - Claire. Claire. 960 00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:57,811 Well, you said if it happened again, that I should come by. 961 00:55:57,979 --> 00:56:00,522 - Well, what happened? - Well... 962 00:56:02,275 --> 00:56:05,110 I have been thinking a lot about the past, 963 00:56:05,278 --> 00:56:07,529 and, you know, when that happens, you start thinking to yourself, 964 00:56:07,697 --> 00:56:10,240 "Well, I've made a lot of decisions, you know. 965 00:56:10,408 --> 00:56:12,618 And what would have happened 966 00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:15,079 if I had made different decisions?" 967 00:56:16,039 --> 00:56:17,539 Do you know what I mean? 968 00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:19,416 Are you talking about regret? 969 00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:22,211 Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about regret. Yeah! 970 00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:25,714 You know, the one good thing about regret is that it's never too late. 971 00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:28,133 You can always change if you want to. 972 00:56:29,010 --> 00:56:31,845 - I deal with that every day. - OK, well, deal with this. 973 00:56:32,013 --> 00:56:34,973 I wanna take you someplace right now 974 00:56:35,392 --> 00:56:38,394 and eat Chinese food. 975 00:56:38,686 --> 00:56:41,355 Claire, we got some huge problems this time! 976 00:56:41,523 --> 00:56:44,483 - There ain't a fuse in the whole joint! - Oh, no, there are fuses. 977 00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:46,527 I'll show you where they are in just a second, Hazel. 978 00:56:46,694 --> 00:56:49,029 - The AandP didn't send any turkeys. - No. 979 00:56:49,197 --> 00:56:51,740 Oh, no, they were supposed to be here hours ago. 980 00:56:51,908 --> 00:56:54,076 - Not one. - OK, I'll call them in just a second. 981 00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:55,661 - No... - Can you wait? Could you wait for me... 982 00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,704 Well, they can handle this. This isn't a big deal. 983 00:56:57,872 --> 00:56:59,039 I mean, it's just some fuses. 984 00:56:59,207 --> 00:57:00,916 You go down to the hardware store and you buy fuses. 985 00:57:01,084 --> 00:57:03,752 - What about the turkeys? - And the turkeys are at the AandP? 986 00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:05,587 - Look it up in the phone book. - No, no, no. 987 00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:08,549 It's under "A" and if you can't find it there, it's under "P." 988 00:57:08,716 --> 00:57:10,217 I have to call them myself. I'll call them in just a second, OK? 989 00:57:10,385 --> 00:57:11,635 You don't have to call them. 990 00:57:11,803 --> 00:57:14,138 These are big girls, very big girls, and they can do it. 991 00:57:14,305 --> 00:57:16,765 - Attagirl! - I'll be right... I'll be right there. 992 00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:18,976 - I'll be... - No, Claire, please. Fire these people. 993 00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:20,936 - Fire them? - Yeah, you fire them. 994 00:57:21,104 --> 00:57:23,730 They're volunteers. They're here out of the kindness of their hearts. 995 00:57:23,898 --> 00:57:26,650 They're volunteers because no one will pay them! They are incompetent! 996 00:57:27,527 --> 00:57:28,735 It's Christmas Eve. 997 00:57:28,903 --> 00:57:32,114 They're like this every day of the year. I guarantee it! 998 00:57:32,949 --> 00:57:36,577 Look, if you'll just wait one minute, I just gotta make the phone call... 999 00:57:36,744 --> 00:57:38,203 - No, don't bother. - Just a couple... 1000 00:57:38,371 --> 00:57:41,165 - Don't bother, OK? - If you'll just wait one minute, 1001 00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:43,292 let me just finish organizing what I'm doing, 1002 00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:44,626 I'll come with you, Frank. 1003 00:57:44,794 --> 00:57:46,086 Take the rest of your life! 1004 00:57:47,046 --> 00:57:50,424 I'm gonna give you some advice, Claire. Scrape them off. 1005 00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:53,302 You wanna save somebody? Save yourself. 1006 00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:56,805 Oh, that's a wonderful attitude to have on Christmas Eve. 1007 00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:59,266 Merry Christmas. 1008 00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:04,313 Bah, humbug! 1009 00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:10,194 Lumpy. 1010 00:58:12,197 --> 00:58:15,407 Hey, Dick, can you lend me $2 so I can heat my place? 1011 00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:17,242 Herman, I blew it all on Liz. 1012 00:58:17,410 --> 00:58:19,036 There's a sucker inside. 1013 00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:20,329 Thanks. 1014 00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:23,540 This is the last dress rehearsal, so let's get it right. 1015 00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:31,215 Come on, Buddy, it's your cue. Get moving. 1016 00:58:33,259 --> 00:58:34,718 Cue, Mr. Houseman. 1017 00:58:34,886 --> 00:58:38,931 "Ebenezer Scrooge hurried past the ragged boys 1018 00:58:39,098 --> 00:58:41,642 who stood shivering in the snow, 1019 00:58:41,809 --> 00:58:45,270 gnawed and mumbled by the hungry cold, 1020 00:58:45,438 --> 00:58:48,273 as bones are gnawed by dogs." 1021 00:58:49,067 --> 00:58:52,611 Why do I have to be molested by these sea urchins? 1022 00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,238 - Street urchins? - No, Buddy, baby. 1023 00:58:54,405 --> 00:58:56,573 Look, look, right here, Buddy. Here's what it says. "Street urchins." 1024 00:58:56,741 --> 00:58:59,117 I said "street." Why would I say sea urchins? 1025 00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:01,578 OK, everybody, what'd he say, huh? Sea urchins, street urchins? 1026 00:59:01,746 --> 00:59:03,580 - Street urchins. - Street, oh, oh. 1027 00:59:03,748 --> 00:59:06,750 He did say street urchins? I'm sorry, Buddy. You're right. 1028 00:59:06,918 --> 00:59:08,794 OK everybody. That's dinner, one hour! 1029 00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:11,797 That includes walking time! One hour! 1030 00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:14,508 You're doing great. You're doing great, Buddy. 1031 00:59:14,676 --> 00:59:15,717 We need more snow over here. 1032 00:59:15,885 --> 00:59:17,511 We gotta watch that boom shadow, huh? 1033 00:59:17,679 --> 00:59:19,471 You're right on my urchins. 1034 00:59:20,765 --> 00:59:23,183 Oh, Frank! Man! Baby, how are you? 1035 00:59:23,351 --> 00:59:25,852 Oh, God, we were so worried about you. Are you OK? 1036 00:59:26,020 --> 00:59:28,021 Everybody was worried sick, huh? You all right? 1037 00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:30,023 Listen, I call the meal breaks around here. 1038 00:59:30,191 --> 00:59:31,233 Oh, Frank, I'm sorry. 1039 00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:33,318 Look, if it means that much to you, I'll call everybody back 1040 00:59:33,486 --> 00:59:34,820 and you can tell them it's time to go to dinner. 1041 00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:38,407 Hey, everybody, hold on a minute, Frank's got something to say to you! 1042 00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:39,825 Go ahead. 1043 00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,036 I think it's time you and I had a little talk, Brice. 1044 00:59:43,204 --> 00:59:46,164 Frank, I'd love to but, you know, Preston asked me to stop by for a drink. 1045 00:59:46,332 --> 00:59:49,167 So if you don't mind, I'll take a rain check, OK? 1046 00:59:49,669 --> 00:59:52,337 Paul, where are you? I need a cigarette! 1047 00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:58,176 Hey. 1048 01:00:01,848 --> 01:00:08,270 Hey! 1049 01:00:18,114 --> 01:00:19,406 Hi, Frank! 1050 01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:22,826 Come on! Come on out and play with me. 1051 01:00:23,870 --> 01:00:26,163 One, two, three, four, 1052 01:00:26,331 --> 01:00:28,248 five, six, seven, eight. 1053 01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:30,834 ...two, three, four, 1054 01:00:31,002 --> 01:00:32,794 five, six, seven, eight. 1055 01:00:35,089 --> 01:00:37,716 Oh, I'm a little muddled. 1056 01:00:38,384 --> 01:00:40,052 Seven, eight. 1057 01:00:40,219 --> 01:00:42,679 One, two, three, four. 1058 01:00:42,847 --> 01:00:45,307 Oh, I'm so relieved. It's been so long. 1059 01:00:57,195 --> 01:01:00,530 Hello, Frank. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present. 1060 01:01:00,698 --> 01:01:02,407 I had a funny feeling. 1061 01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:06,453 Why did you do that? 1062 01:01:06,621 --> 01:01:08,789 Sometimes you have to slap them in the face 1063 01:01:08,956 --> 01:01:10,749 just to get their attention. 1064 01:01:10,917 --> 01:01:13,418 Fine, slap me in the face. 1065 01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:16,880 - But you kicked me in the... - Hush, Frank. 1066 01:01:17,090 --> 01:01:20,300 It's time to begin our journey. 1067 01:01:20,927 --> 01:01:22,969 And now close your eyes 1068 01:01:24,347 --> 01:01:26,264 - and think... - No. 1069 01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:29,976 - You close your eyes! I'm through... - Oh, no. Don't be quarrelsome. 1070 01:01:30,144 --> 01:01:32,979 Close your eyes and think 1071 01:01:33,606 --> 01:01:36,483 of snowflakes, and moonbeams, 1072 01:01:36,651 --> 01:01:38,735 and whiskers on kittens. 1073 01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:41,154 No peeking! 1074 01:01:43,116 --> 01:01:46,410 Of rainbows, forget-me-nots, 1075 01:01:47,286 --> 01:01:51,456 of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. 1076 01:01:55,002 --> 01:01:57,713 Oh, look, there's Mr. Hedgehog. 1077 01:01:57,880 --> 01:01:59,715 I wonder where he's going. 1078 01:01:59,882 --> 01:02:02,259 Perhaps to Harlem! 1079 01:02:03,803 --> 01:02:05,721 Oh! Oh, no! 1080 01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:07,723 I cracked you. 1081 01:02:09,517 --> 01:02:11,268 Oh, God, my jaw. 1082 01:02:11,978 --> 01:02:14,813 Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank. 1083 01:02:14,981 --> 01:02:19,651 But it's made your cheeks all rosy and your eyes bright as stars. 1084 01:02:19,944 --> 01:02:23,280 If you touch me again, 1085 01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:26,491 I'm gonna rip your goddamn wings off, OK? 1086 01:02:27,034 --> 01:02:29,953 You know I like the rough stuff, don't you, Frank? 1087 01:02:30,121 --> 01:02:31,288 Oh, God. 1088 01:02:31,456 --> 01:02:34,207 Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle Jingle, jingle, jingle bells 1089 01:02:35,251 --> 01:02:36,585 - Hi! - Hi! 1090 01:02:37,670 --> 01:02:39,796 - Come on, Calvin. - Hey, Calvin. 1091 01:02:39,964 --> 01:02:42,132 Merry Christmas, Cooley family! 1092 01:02:43,509 --> 01:02:46,052 Ma, you didn't have to come and get me. I could have rode the subway. 1093 01:02:46,220 --> 01:02:48,472 I don't want you riding the subway at this time of night by yourself. 1094 01:02:48,639 --> 01:02:49,639 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 1095 01:02:49,807 --> 01:02:52,350 - Good. - Hi, Mom! 1096 01:02:53,019 --> 01:02:54,311 - Come on, Mom. - Oh, get out of here. 1097 01:02:54,479 --> 01:02:56,521 - Hi, girls. - Hi, Mom. 1098 01:02:56,689 --> 01:02:59,191 "Hi, Mom." Is that all I'm gonna get? 1099 01:02:59,692 --> 01:03:02,819 Well, now I'm gonna get freshened up. I'm gonna leave in a minute, get ready. 1100 01:03:05,156 --> 01:03:07,324 Leave it alone. No one can do it. 1101 01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:10,911 Shasta, Randee, you two go wash up now, you hear? 1102 01:03:11,078 --> 01:03:12,078 OK, Gramma. 1103 01:03:13,539 --> 01:03:15,290 Think of your fellow man 1104 01:03:15,458 --> 01:03:18,376 Lend him a helping hand 1105 01:03:18,544 --> 01:03:20,754 Put a little love in your heart 1106 01:03:22,256 --> 01:03:25,091 Oh, look! He did it. 1107 01:03:25,259 --> 01:03:27,219 - He's a bright little guy. - Oh, yes. 1108 01:03:27,386 --> 01:03:28,512 What's wrong with him? 1109 01:03:28,679 --> 01:03:32,557 He hasn't spoken since he saw his father killed five years ago. 1110 01:03:32,725 --> 01:03:36,770 He just drifted away, like Sleeping Beauty. 1111 01:03:36,938 --> 01:03:39,898 I didn't know that Grace's husband had died. 1112 01:03:40,066 --> 01:03:41,107 Oh, Frank, 1113 01:03:41,275 --> 01:03:45,070 don't you remember that period when she wore black for a year? 1114 01:03:45,571 --> 01:03:49,449 I remember her wearing black but I thought it was a fashion thing. 1115 01:03:49,617 --> 01:03:52,077 I mean, people were wearing black, you know. 1116 01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:53,745 Oh, Frank. 1117 01:03:53,913 --> 01:03:55,872 My, my, poor Frank. 1118 01:03:56,582 --> 01:03:58,250 Well, is he gonna be OK? 1119 01:03:59,377 --> 01:04:02,963 It's his choice. Only he can break the spell. 1120 01:04:03,130 --> 01:04:05,757 You're gonna be a doctor soon enough. This is Christmas, honey. 1121 01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:08,552 Girls, put some love in his heart! 1122 01:04:08,719 --> 01:04:10,720 - Get back! - A little Christmas loving, go ahead. 1123 01:04:10,888 --> 01:04:12,681 A Merry Christmas. God bless us. 1124 01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:15,600 - God bless us, every one. - Leave me alone! Mama! 1125 01:04:16,269 --> 01:04:17,269 Mama! 1126 01:04:17,436 --> 01:04:19,896 Put a little love in your heart 1127 01:04:20,064 --> 01:04:22,607 Oh, oh! Come in, Frank. 1128 01:04:22,775 --> 01:04:24,776 Come in and join the fun. 1129 01:04:28,614 --> 01:04:31,449 What a lovely family, and they're so happy. 1130 01:04:31,617 --> 01:04:35,203 They're so happy but so poor, you tightwad! 1131 01:04:35,371 --> 01:04:37,581 I'll check my records. She may be due for a raise. 1132 01:04:37,748 --> 01:04:39,916 - May be? - Probably! 1133 01:04:40,084 --> 01:04:41,459 - Probably? - Yeah, yeah. 1134 01:04:41,627 --> 01:04:43,211 May be, probably, perhaps? 1135 01:04:43,379 --> 01:04:45,088 I'm almost positive. 1136 01:04:45,256 --> 01:04:47,215 - Get off your brother! - Get off me. Leave me alone. 1137 01:04:47,383 --> 01:04:49,593 This boy is mine! 1138 01:04:51,053 --> 01:04:52,554 That looks like fun! 1139 01:04:54,599 --> 01:04:56,892 Cut it out! Stop it! Stop it! 1140 01:04:58,311 --> 01:05:01,313 Don't forget to watch the show. I'm taking Calvin with me, Mama. 1141 01:05:02,648 --> 01:05:05,191 - More! More! - Hey, come on, Frank. 1142 01:05:05,359 --> 01:05:07,235 Next stop's downtown! 1143 01:05:15,036 --> 01:05:17,954 How was your trip, Frank? A little jump, huh? 1144 01:05:18,539 --> 01:05:19,998 Hi, Cujo. 1145 01:05:21,876 --> 01:05:23,209 Bark! Bark! 1146 01:05:23,961 --> 01:05:25,337 Who is here? 1147 01:05:26,839 --> 01:05:29,466 - What are you barking at out there? - Go, go. 1148 01:05:29,634 --> 01:05:31,801 You are really crazy. There's nothing there. Now come on. 1149 01:05:31,969 --> 01:05:33,261 Come on. 1150 01:05:33,721 --> 01:05:35,931 All right, let's get down to business. 1151 01:05:36,098 --> 01:05:38,308 I want you to stay here and I want you to... 1152 01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:41,311 Oh, my, what a merry feast. 1153 01:05:41,479 --> 01:05:44,564 - It looks like a beer commercial. - Let's go in. 1154 01:05:46,025 --> 01:05:47,692 Don't vex me, Frank, 1155 01:05:47,860 --> 01:05:50,070 or I'll fix your mouth so it won't hold soap! 1156 01:05:52,073 --> 01:05:55,450 A Christmas party. I'm so glad I wore my pretty dress. 1157 01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:58,995 "On The Addams Family, what musical instrument did Lurch play?" 1158 01:05:59,163 --> 01:06:04,042 On The Addams Family, what musical instrument did Lurch play? 1159 01:06:04,210 --> 01:06:06,962 - Piano. - I may be invisible but I'm not deaf! 1160 01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:09,965 - OK, OK, we're gonna say piano. - It was the piano. 1161 01:06:10,132 --> 01:06:11,383 - Harpsichord. - Harpsichord. 1162 01:06:11,550 --> 01:06:13,176 A harpsichord, James, you dope. 1163 01:06:13,344 --> 01:06:15,804 - Oh, you knew that. - Everybody knows that. 1164 01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:17,973 It's their house. 1165 01:06:18,140 --> 01:06:20,266 We better give it to them or else they'll have us hanging Sheetrock. 1166 01:06:20,434 --> 01:06:23,228 You shouldn't have given that to them. I wouldn't have given that to them. 1167 01:06:23,396 --> 01:06:24,813 - Give it to them. - James, 1168 01:06:24,981 --> 01:06:26,982 you forgot to open your brother's present. 1169 01:06:27,149 --> 01:06:29,567 That doesn't look like a towel. 1170 01:06:29,735 --> 01:06:31,027 What did he get for last year? 1171 01:06:31,195 --> 01:06:33,029 - I don't remember. - I remember. 1172 01:06:33,197 --> 01:06:34,572 A shower curtain! 1173 01:06:34,740 --> 01:06:37,534 It was a beautiful shower curtain. It was gray with these IBC logos. 1174 01:06:37,702 --> 01:06:39,869 It had little... Yeah! 1175 01:06:40,037 --> 01:06:42,080 - You don't have one. - Well, what did you get him this year? 1176 01:06:42,623 --> 01:06:44,040 Oh, nothing. 1177 01:06:45,710 --> 01:06:47,752 I made this picture frame. 1178 01:06:48,254 --> 01:06:50,547 He made it with his own little hands. 1179 01:06:51,549 --> 01:06:52,632 How sweet. 1180 01:06:52,800 --> 01:06:54,259 I know something you don't know. 1181 01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:57,137 I know something you don't know. I know something you don't know. 1182 01:06:57,304 --> 01:06:58,555 Shut up! 1183 01:06:58,723 --> 01:06:59,723 Jackpot. 1184 01:07:01,559 --> 01:07:04,728 It's your basic top-of-the-line Pioneer VCR. 1185 01:07:05,688 --> 01:07:07,814 - I think he made a mistake. - This ought to work. 1186 01:07:07,982 --> 01:07:09,566 I didn't get the gifts mixed up. 1187 01:07:09,734 --> 01:07:12,944 My ex-secretary got the gifts mixed up. 1188 01:07:13,112 --> 01:07:15,196 You invite him to Christmas dinner every year 1189 01:07:15,364 --> 01:07:17,490 and every year, he's too busy to come. 1190 01:07:17,658 --> 01:07:19,534 And when are you gonna learn? 1191 01:07:19,910 --> 01:07:21,911 Never. He's my brother. 1192 01:07:22,955 --> 01:07:24,289 A toast... 1193 01:07:25,833 --> 01:07:27,292 ...to my brother Frank. 1194 01:07:27,460 --> 01:07:29,711 - I wish he was here. - Were, goofy. 1195 01:07:30,796 --> 01:07:31,796 You're too good. 1196 01:07:31,964 --> 01:07:34,174 - To Frank. - To Frank. Cheers! 1197 01:07:34,341 --> 01:07:36,009 The richest man you know. 1198 01:07:36,177 --> 01:07:37,635 Keep the VCR. 1199 01:07:38,137 --> 01:07:39,596 What the hell. 1200 01:07:40,014 --> 01:07:41,681 It's only money. 1201 01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:46,269 - It's a write-off. It's tax-deductible. - I understand, Frank. 1202 01:07:46,645 --> 01:07:48,229 I understand. 1203 01:07:48,856 --> 01:07:52,859 OK, "What was the name of the boat that took them all to Gilligan's Island?" 1204 01:07:53,819 --> 01:07:56,112 This is so easy. 1205 01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:58,406 The Mako. 1206 01:07:58,574 --> 01:07:59,824 You gotta know this. 1207 01:07:59,992 --> 01:08:01,534 - S. S. Mackerel. - No. 1208 01:08:01,702 --> 01:08:03,078 - The fish. - It's a fish. 1209 01:08:03,245 --> 01:08:04,746 Let's go now, Frank. 1210 01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:06,498 Leave me alone. I know this one. 1211 01:08:06,665 --> 01:08:09,000 Everybody knows this one. Let's go now! 1212 01:08:09,168 --> 01:08:11,503 Oh, yeah? Does everybody know this one here? 1213 01:08:11,670 --> 01:08:16,257 Oh, Frank, we're fighting again. Let's not fight anymore! 1214 01:08:16,675 --> 01:08:19,594 Oh, look, Frank. What is it? 1215 01:08:19,762 --> 01:08:20,887 I can't find the card. 1216 01:08:21,055 --> 01:08:23,014 It's a toaster! 1217 01:08:23,182 --> 01:08:24,265 The answer is Mackerel. 1218 01:08:28,854 --> 01:08:30,939 The bitch hit me with a toaster. 1219 01:08:31,107 --> 01:08:34,192 Oh, I love a girl with spirit. Right! 1220 01:08:35,569 --> 01:08:37,028 Well, this is nice. 1221 01:08:37,238 --> 01:08:38,988 Where are we, Trump Tower? 1222 01:08:39,698 --> 01:08:41,366 I've seen a little bit of the city. 1223 01:08:41,534 --> 01:08:44,744 Hey, hey, down here! Hey! Down here! 1224 01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:49,040 Hey, you! Hey, Jersey! Call Streets and Sanitation! 1225 01:08:49,291 --> 01:08:51,167 Wow! Thanks for the shot. 1226 01:08:51,335 --> 01:08:52,502 Hey! Hey! 1227 01:08:52,670 --> 01:08:54,796 Oh, I'm having the weirdest day! 1228 01:08:54,964 --> 01:08:56,381 Cop! 1229 01:08:56,715 --> 01:08:59,259 Hey, Cop! Help me, please! 1230 01:09:16,986 --> 01:09:20,488 Herman! 1231 01:09:21,073 --> 01:09:22,740 Coffee's on me. Come here. 1232 01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:26,661 Jesus, give me a happy ending here, Herm. Come on, man. 1233 01:09:36,755 --> 01:09:39,007 Herman, it's Dick. 1234 01:09:41,260 --> 01:09:42,635 Liz says hi. 1235 01:09:46,807 --> 01:09:49,767 Jeez, maybe I should've given you the two bucks, huh? 1236 01:09:51,437 --> 01:09:52,937 Herm. 1237 01:09:57,735 --> 01:09:59,319 You moron! 1238 01:10:00,446 --> 01:10:01,571 You jerk! 1239 01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:06,117 Why didn't you stay at Claire's? Why didn't you stay with Claire? 1240 01:10:06,285 --> 01:10:07,619 She would have taken care of you! 1241 01:10:07,786 --> 01:10:09,662 You would have eaten! You would have been warm! 1242 01:10:09,830 --> 01:10:11,331 You might be alive! 1243 01:10:11,498 --> 01:10:14,250 You'd be a prettier color, I'll tell you that! 1244 01:10:17,671 --> 01:10:20,423 OK, is there a way to get out of here, Herman? 1245 01:10:28,641 --> 01:10:30,350 It's the door, isn't it? 1246 01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:37,398 It is the door, isn't it? 1247 01:10:38,150 --> 01:10:39,651 It's the door! 1248 01:10:41,320 --> 01:10:42,946 It had to be the door 1249 01:10:43,113 --> 01:10:46,324 'cause it's the only place that doesn't smell like urine! 1250 01:10:52,456 --> 01:10:54,249 Oh, shit! 1251 01:10:54,875 --> 01:10:56,125 What's going on up there? 1252 01:10:56,293 --> 01:10:58,002 Paul, where are you, kid? I need you. 1253 01:10:58,170 --> 01:10:59,254 Jesus Christ, hang on a second. 1254 01:10:59,421 --> 01:11:02,465 Hey, you! Joker! Hey, get off the set, will you? 1255 01:11:02,758 --> 01:11:04,676 - Hey! - Yeah, we see you, pal. 1256 01:11:04,843 --> 01:11:06,344 Get off the set! 1257 01:11:06,679 --> 01:11:09,180 - Oh, my God! - It's Mr. Cross! 1258 01:11:09,348 --> 01:11:12,558 Hey, Frank, we've been looking all over for you, buddy. 1259 01:11:12,726 --> 01:11:14,686 Frank. Come on, Frank. Frank, Frank. 1260 01:11:14,853 --> 01:11:15,979 I was worried about you. 1261 01:11:16,146 --> 01:11:17,146 Just like Errol Flynn, huh? 1262 01:11:17,314 --> 01:11:18,898 - No, he's OK. - Very funny. 1263 01:11:19,066 --> 01:11:21,859 Come on. You go upstairs to your office. Kind of supervise things. 1264 01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:23,653 You can check up the satellite linkups, huh? 1265 01:11:23,821 --> 01:11:25,905 - Brice, we got three minutes till air. - I know how much time we got. 1266 01:11:26,073 --> 01:11:28,866 I just want to say, break a leg, everybody. 1267 01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:30,994 I feel real weird about tonight. 1268 01:11:31,161 --> 01:11:34,455 Yeah, do you hear that, folks? OK, this one's for Frank. This is his baby. 1269 01:11:34,623 --> 01:11:36,165 Come on, come on, come on. 1270 01:11:36,333 --> 01:11:38,459 Don't lose it on me, huh? Come on. 1271 01:11:38,627 --> 01:11:42,672 You know, it has been such an honor to work for the great Frank Cross. 1272 01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,842 I'm gonna dine out on this for months. You know what I'm saying? 1273 01:11:46,010 --> 01:11:47,885 Now I want Grace to take you upstairs now 1274 01:11:48,053 --> 01:11:51,055 where I think things might just be a little safer than down here. OK? 1275 01:11:51,223 --> 01:11:54,309 You're beautiful, Frank. Got any last tips for me, huh? 1276 01:11:57,479 --> 01:12:00,940 Oh, God! Oh, God! Grace, go watch the show. 1277 01:12:01,108 --> 01:12:03,568 He's here for me! Come on! All right, come on! Give it to me! 1278 01:12:03,736 --> 01:12:06,821 You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? 1279 01:12:06,989 --> 01:12:11,242 I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy. 1280 01:12:11,410 --> 01:12:14,078 - Brice! - Stop scaring Frank. 1281 01:12:14,621 --> 01:12:16,539 - Get this nutcake out of here. - Who is that guy? 1282 01:12:16,707 --> 01:12:18,291 - Oh, Jesus. - We got a show to do. 1283 01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:22,253 He's in the show, Mr. Cross, as the Ghost of Christmas Future. 1284 01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:25,923 He's great. 1285 01:12:26,342 --> 01:12:28,509 That guy is gonna be a big star. 1286 01:12:28,677 --> 01:12:31,304 All right, go watch the show. We're making history tonight, I think. 1287 01:12:32,097 --> 01:12:33,514 OK, video... 1288 01:12:33,682 --> 01:12:35,558 Five seconds till we open on B. 1289 01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:37,643 - Then we go live. - Right. 1290 01:12:44,401 --> 01:12:46,402 God bless us, every one! 1291 01:12:51,075 --> 01:12:53,117 Tonight, live on IBC, 1292 01:12:53,285 --> 01:12:55,661 the world premiere telecast of a Christmas classic, 1293 01:12:55,829 --> 01:12:58,081 Charles Dickens' immortal Scrooge. 1294 01:13:11,553 --> 01:13:13,346 - Ready to roll B. - B on the bell tower. 1295 01:13:13,514 --> 01:13:15,681 - Don't screw up... - Roll tape B. 1296 01:13:15,849 --> 01:13:16,933 Hold there, three. 1297 01:13:18,268 --> 01:13:19,811 All right, coming up on three. 1298 01:13:19,978 --> 01:13:22,146 Three, two, one. Dissolve it. 1299 01:13:22,314 --> 01:13:23,940 - And dancing. - Right where you are. 1300 01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,235 Slow pullout on three. Slow pullout on three. 1301 01:13:27,403 --> 01:13:29,821 Down on Houseman, lights up. Ready, mic him in. 1302 01:13:29,988 --> 01:13:33,324 It was a cold, bleak Christmas Eve. 1303 01:13:33,492 --> 01:13:35,993 The fog-draped streets of London... 1304 01:13:36,203 --> 01:13:38,746 Oh, you've got Houseman. I think he's wonderful. 1305 01:13:38,914 --> 01:13:40,873 - Give me the beer. - Yes, sir. 1306 01:13:41,208 --> 01:13:43,668 ...a phantom through the dingy mist. 1307 01:13:44,002 --> 01:13:46,170 Old Ebenezer Scrooge, 1308 01:13:46,713 --> 01:13:49,215 alone in his gloomy chambers... 1309 01:13:49,383 --> 01:13:51,426 We'll make that move as soon as we get off of Houseman. 1310 01:13:51,593 --> 01:13:53,636 Coming to camera three live. Dissolve three. 1311 01:13:54,805 --> 01:13:57,974 - What have we here? - They're dormice, Uncle. 1312 01:13:59,059 --> 01:14:00,893 Dormice? Dormice? 1313 01:14:01,061 --> 01:14:02,478 You see? Works like a charm. 1314 01:14:02,646 --> 01:14:04,230 - What do they do? - They bring you luck. 1315 01:14:04,398 --> 01:14:05,565 Are you lucky? 1316 01:14:05,732 --> 01:14:09,318 Sir, I believe I am. I've got your niece for my wife. 1317 01:14:09,486 --> 01:14:12,196 I've got a good job, and it's the holidays, sir. 1318 01:14:12,656 --> 01:14:14,198 Holiday, is it? 1319 01:14:14,408 --> 01:14:16,993 You have my niece for a wife all right. 1320 01:14:17,161 --> 01:14:20,496 Do you have my job too? That's the luck. 1321 01:14:22,332 --> 01:14:25,334 "To Frank, the best brother a guy ever had. 1322 01:14:27,087 --> 01:14:28,546 Merry Christmas." 1323 01:14:31,049 --> 01:14:33,342 When the snow lay round about 1324 01:14:33,510 --> 01:14:35,470 Deep and crisp and even 1325 01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:38,431 Brightly shone the moon that night 1326 01:14:38,765 --> 01:14:41,058 Though the frost was cruel 1327 01:14:41,226 --> 01:14:43,603 When a poor man came in sight 1328 01:14:43,770 --> 01:14:47,732 Gathering winter fuel 1329 01:14:48,817 --> 01:14:51,569 This is indeed a night for revelation. 1330 01:14:51,945 --> 01:14:54,655 Thank you for showing me the true meaning. 1331 01:14:54,823 --> 01:14:56,741 Thank me not, Ebenezer, 1332 01:14:56,909 --> 01:15:00,995 for soon you shall be visited by the final spirit. 1333 01:15:01,163 --> 01:15:05,124 The thing that all men fear the most. 1334 01:15:05,292 --> 01:15:07,835 The Ghost of Christmas Future. 1335 01:15:08,295 --> 01:15:09,754 Oh, thank you, sir. 1336 01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:12,798 I'll be so good. I'll repent. 1337 01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,447 Honey, I'm home! 1338 01:15:40,452 --> 01:15:41,953 - Oh, boy! - Remember me, boss? 1339 01:15:42,120 --> 01:15:44,789 The guy you canned the day before Christmas? 1340 01:15:45,624 --> 01:15:47,124 Merry Christmas! 1341 01:15:48,627 --> 01:15:50,002 Hello, wabbit. 1342 01:15:50,837 --> 01:15:52,088 Would you give me a running start? 1343 01:15:52,256 --> 01:15:56,592 Sure. 1,001, 1,002, 1,003. 1344 01:15:58,804 --> 01:16:01,389 My God! My babies! 1345 01:16:09,022 --> 01:16:11,148 Oh, you better watch out 1346 01:16:11,316 --> 01:16:13,734 Can't you get back to me on this after the holidays? 1347 01:16:13,902 --> 01:16:15,069 I've had a bad day. 1348 01:16:15,237 --> 01:16:17,238 You've had a bad day? 1349 01:16:17,406 --> 01:16:21,534 Let me tell you a little bit about my day! I got fired! My wife left me! 1350 01:16:22,661 --> 01:16:25,454 She took our little baby daughter... 1351 01:16:26,415 --> 01:16:27,415 ...with her. 1352 01:16:28,917 --> 01:16:33,296 I can't recall much after that because ever since then, I've been 1353 01:16:33,463 --> 01:16:36,966 blind, stinking drunk! 1354 01:16:38,677 --> 01:16:41,846 He sees you when you're sleeping 1355 01:16:42,014 --> 01:16:43,598 You gotta believe me, Eliot! 1356 01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:46,392 I'm having a much worse day than you are! 1357 01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:47,727 Much worse! Really! 1358 01:16:48,979 --> 01:16:51,814 He knows if you've been bad 1359 01:16:54,359 --> 01:16:57,445 So be good, for goodness' sake 1360 01:16:57,613 --> 01:17:00,698 Oh, he's making a list 1361 01:17:00,866 --> 01:17:02,908 He's checking it twice 1362 01:17:03,327 --> 01:17:05,161 Gonna find out 1363 01:17:05,329 --> 01:17:07,496 Who's naughty or nice 1364 01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:11,542 Santa Claus is coming 1365 01:17:12,294 --> 01:17:13,919 To town 1366 01:17:21,553 --> 01:17:23,596 It's you. Creep. 1367 01:17:24,014 --> 01:17:26,432 God. Aren't you supposed to be in the studio? We're on the air. 1368 01:17:26,600 --> 01:17:28,017 Hey, back off, big man. 1369 01:17:28,185 --> 01:17:30,436 That may work with the chicks but not with me. 1370 01:17:30,604 --> 01:17:32,313 Is this straight? 1371 01:17:35,067 --> 01:17:36,108 May I? 1372 01:17:47,245 --> 01:17:48,412 Did our people do that? 1373 01:17:49,081 --> 01:17:51,082 We're gonna get phone calls. 1374 01:18:14,189 --> 01:18:16,023 Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Cooley. 1375 01:18:18,860 --> 01:18:21,862 - I just got here. - I know but we have to go. 1376 01:18:25,158 --> 01:18:27,034 Merry Christmas, Calvin. 1377 01:18:31,498 --> 01:18:32,790 I'll see you. 1378 01:18:43,301 --> 01:18:47,096 Now, this is just possible future, right? I mean, this is doable. 1379 01:18:47,264 --> 01:18:49,682 I know the head of pediatrics at NYU. 1380 01:18:49,850 --> 01:18:51,892 We can get this kid out of here right away. 1381 01:18:52,060 --> 01:18:53,144 This is not a problem. 1382 01:18:53,311 --> 01:18:55,020 I'm all over this. Don't worry about it! 1383 01:19:04,364 --> 01:19:05,364 Will you look at that? 1384 01:19:06,616 --> 01:19:08,242 Where did they come from? 1385 01:19:08,410 --> 01:19:10,077 Hey, you! Beat it! 1386 01:19:10,245 --> 01:19:11,412 - Please. - Please. 1387 01:19:11,580 --> 01:19:13,164 - Gilles. - Madame? 1388 01:19:13,331 --> 01:19:15,332 Will you look at that? Look at those filthy little creatures. 1389 01:19:15,500 --> 01:19:18,335 - Imm�diatement. - Oh, Claire! Claire! 1390 01:19:18,503 --> 01:19:22,047 Claire! Claire! Claire, they're just children. 1391 01:19:22,215 --> 01:19:25,217 Please, darling, don't tell me. 1392 01:19:26,344 --> 01:19:31,223 I wasted 20 years of my life on pathetic little creatures like those. 1393 01:19:32,184 --> 01:19:34,977 Finally, thank God, a friend of mine said to me, 1394 01:19:36,688 --> 01:19:38,689 "Scrape them off, Claire. 1395 01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:40,649 You wanna save somebody, 1396 01:19:41,359 --> 01:19:42,902 save yourself." 1397 01:19:44,279 --> 01:19:45,905 I'm sorry, Claire. 1398 01:19:46,531 --> 01:19:48,282 Thanks a lot, Lumpy. 1399 01:19:54,539 --> 01:19:56,874 That was a lousy thing to do. 1400 01:20:05,300 --> 01:20:06,675 Disneyland? 1401 01:20:31,535 --> 01:20:32,535 Wendie! 1402 01:20:34,496 --> 01:20:35,496 Oh, no. 1403 01:20:36,248 --> 01:20:38,499 James, my brother. 1404 01:20:39,751 --> 01:20:41,043 He's dead. 1405 01:20:41,962 --> 01:20:44,046 Why did this have to happen? 1406 01:20:48,134 --> 01:20:50,803 Well, when I get back I'm gonna... 1407 01:20:52,180 --> 01:20:53,681 Well, there he is! James! 1408 01:20:57,519 --> 01:20:58,519 Who's in there? 1409 01:20:58,687 --> 01:21:00,813 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. 1410 01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:03,148 He maketh me lie down in green pastures. 1411 01:21:03,316 --> 01:21:07,111 He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." 1412 01:21:07,779 --> 01:21:10,281 What the hell is this that you're saying? 1413 01:21:10,448 --> 01:21:12,116 What? That I've died? 1414 01:21:19,040 --> 01:21:21,333 Why are you showing me this stuff? I can't do anything dead! 1415 01:21:21,501 --> 01:21:24,295 Why the hell did you bother to show me this stuff? 1416 01:21:25,672 --> 01:21:26,797 James, help me. 1417 01:21:29,134 --> 01:21:31,093 No. Oh, no. 1418 01:21:31,261 --> 01:21:33,304 Please don't let them burn me, James. 1419 01:21:34,806 --> 01:21:38,517 Jimmy, don't let them burn me! Please don't let them burn me! 1420 01:21:39,144 --> 01:21:41,687 I'm in here! Oh, God! 1421 01:21:42,522 --> 01:21:44,315 Don't let them do it! 1422 01:21:45,317 --> 01:21:48,319 Don't let them do it! Don't let them! I'm in here! 1423 01:21:49,654 --> 01:21:50,946 Mom! 1424 01:21:51,781 --> 01:21:54,950 God, I want to live! I want to live! 1425 01:21:55,368 --> 01:21:58,662 Oh, God, I wanna live! Help! 1426 01:21:59,372 --> 01:22:03,125 I wanna live! 1427 01:22:04,127 --> 01:22:05,419 I'm alive! 1428 01:22:05,587 --> 01:22:06,754 Hallelujah 1429 01:22:06,922 --> 01:22:09,048 Holy shit, what a break! 1430 01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:11,091 I'm at work! 1431 01:22:11,551 --> 01:22:13,469 Oh, God, it's the sun! 1432 01:22:13,637 --> 01:22:15,846 I never thought that I'd see the sun again! 1433 01:22:16,014 --> 01:22:18,098 - I'm alive! - Not for long. 1434 01:22:18,767 --> 01:22:20,559 Milkman! 1435 01:22:22,646 --> 01:22:24,188 I'm the Woodstock baby! 1436 01:22:24,356 --> 01:22:26,106 I'm gonna start with you. 1437 01:22:28,193 --> 01:22:29,693 You're one of my favorites. Come here! 1438 01:22:29,861 --> 01:22:32,780 I'm alive and so are you 1439 01:22:34,783 --> 01:22:37,910 You glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket? 1440 01:22:38,536 --> 01:22:40,454 OK. You've heard it. Come on. 1441 01:22:41,915 --> 01:22:42,998 Great! 1442 01:22:43,625 --> 01:22:47,336 - Don't hurt me. - We're alive! Pink side! Coming back! 1443 01:22:47,504 --> 01:22:48,837 Long sole! 1444 01:22:49,005 --> 01:22:50,381 You know this one? 1445 01:22:51,341 --> 01:22:53,926 That's my thing. I'm going to be doing this to everybody. 1446 01:22:54,844 --> 01:22:55,928 All right, here's the deal. 1447 01:22:57,055 --> 01:22:58,889 I'll hire you back at twice your original salary. 1448 01:22:59,557 --> 01:23:01,433 I'll make you my vice president in charge of programming 1449 01:23:01,601 --> 01:23:03,185 and I'll give you an office up here. 1450 01:23:03,353 --> 01:23:06,063 - Would you like my office? - No, I don't like your office. 1451 01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,233 That's so you! 1452 01:23:09,401 --> 01:23:10,901 What's the catch? 1453 01:23:11,069 --> 01:23:14,238 The catch is that you gotta take a shower, little man. 1454 01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:16,281 You are ripe, whoa! 1455 01:23:16,449 --> 01:23:17,908 There's a problem here. 1456 01:23:18,076 --> 01:23:21,662 I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross. 1457 01:23:21,830 --> 01:23:24,289 That's me, but the great thing is, 1458 01:23:24,457 --> 01:23:26,166 it's not me! 1459 01:23:26,334 --> 01:23:30,045 The Jews taught me this great word, schmuck. 1460 01:23:30,422 --> 01:23:32,715 I was a schmuck. And now... 1461 01:23:33,383 --> 01:23:35,092 ...I'm not a schmuck. 1462 01:23:36,594 --> 01:23:38,637 Wait a minute! What time is it? 1463 01:23:39,305 --> 01:23:41,765 - Somebody stole my watch. - It's a quarter to. 1464 01:23:41,933 --> 01:23:45,269 We didn't miss it! We didn't miss it! 1465 01:23:45,437 --> 01:23:46,729 - We didn't miss what? - Christmas. 1466 01:23:46,896 --> 01:23:48,230 Merry Christmas! 1467 01:23:50,400 --> 01:23:51,358 Are you alone in there? 1468 01:23:52,527 --> 01:23:53,694 We're gonna have some fun. 1469 01:23:53,862 --> 01:23:56,864 You and I are going to have some fun for once in this life. 1470 01:23:57,032 --> 01:23:59,158 Loudermilk and Cross together! 1471 01:24:00,910 --> 01:24:03,287 My, what a glorious day. 1472 01:24:03,455 --> 01:24:05,748 There has never been such a day. 1473 01:24:06,624 --> 01:24:08,459 Say, there! You lad. 1474 01:24:08,626 --> 01:24:10,836 Yes, sir? Are you talking to me? 1475 01:24:11,004 --> 01:24:12,755 And take three. 1476 01:24:12,922 --> 01:24:14,214 Yes, indeed! 1477 01:24:14,632 --> 01:24:16,091 Buy me a goose. 1478 01:24:16,551 --> 01:24:19,136 The biggest goose in all of London. 1479 01:24:19,304 --> 01:24:21,972 Camera three, follow the coin all the way down. 1480 01:24:23,516 --> 01:24:24,933 Oh, I got it! 1481 01:24:25,935 --> 01:24:27,352 Holy shit, that's Frank Cross! 1482 01:24:27,520 --> 01:24:29,021 - He's drunk! - He's nuts! 1483 01:24:29,647 --> 01:24:30,898 He's finished. 1484 01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:33,734 Shut up! 1485 01:24:34,152 --> 01:24:36,653 Don't touch that dial and stay on him. 1486 01:24:36,988 --> 01:24:38,197 - What's your name, son? - Mike. 1487 01:24:38,364 --> 01:24:39,865 Mike, say hello to your folks, will you? 1488 01:24:40,033 --> 01:24:41,033 Hi. 1489 01:24:41,201 --> 01:24:43,577 Mike is doing a great job here for us tonight. Thank you. 1490 01:24:43,745 --> 01:24:45,871 - That's Frank Cross. - I am... 1491 01:24:46,039 --> 01:24:49,124 - Is he supposed to be in the show? - What in the... 1492 01:24:49,292 --> 01:24:51,335 Good evening and Merry Christmas. 1493 01:24:51,503 --> 01:24:53,504 With me in the booth is Eliot Loudermilk. 1494 01:24:53,671 --> 01:24:55,923 - Eliot, how are we doing up there? - Open his mic. 1495 01:24:57,217 --> 01:25:00,260 Wonderful! But I don't think you're gonna be president tomorrow. 1496 01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:04,515 At least I am the president of the network tonight. 1497 01:25:04,682 --> 01:25:06,016 Tomorrow morning I may not be. 1498 01:25:06,184 --> 01:25:09,228 You can bet your Aunt Suzy's ash can on that! 1499 01:25:09,395 --> 01:25:13,899 So, what are you doing watching television on Christmas Eve? 1500 01:25:14,067 --> 01:25:16,360 They're paying your salary, you ass! 1501 01:25:16,528 --> 01:25:19,446 And what kind of a rat bastard idiot 1502 01:25:19,614 --> 01:25:22,783 would schedule a live show on a Christmas Eve? 1503 01:25:22,951 --> 01:25:24,284 Only you, Frank. 1504 01:25:25,537 --> 01:25:28,789 You know, a week ago, I'd have kicked your butt right out of the building. 1505 01:25:28,957 --> 01:25:32,126 But you know something? He's absolutely right. 1506 01:25:32,544 --> 01:25:36,672 You are looking at a guy who told someone today 1507 01:25:36,923 --> 01:25:40,175 to staple antlers to a mouse's head 1508 01:25:40,343 --> 01:25:41,885 to further my career. 1509 01:25:42,053 --> 01:25:44,721 How many of you people have got the brass cojones 1510 01:25:44,889 --> 01:25:46,181 to try something like that? 1511 01:25:48,143 --> 01:25:49,351 Follow him. Follow him. Stay with him. 1512 01:25:49,519 --> 01:25:51,103 I don't know where he's going. 1513 01:25:51,271 --> 01:25:54,690 All of these people, I'm sure they have incredible families. But I have... 1514 01:25:54,858 --> 01:25:57,276 Look, I got a great brother. Look at this guy here. 1515 01:25:57,443 --> 01:25:59,611 My brother, James. Look how cute he was back then. 1516 01:26:00,947 --> 01:26:02,406 He's lots bigger now. 1517 01:26:02,574 --> 01:26:04,366 And look at me with the ears, 1518 01:26:04,534 --> 01:26:06,702 the taxi driving down the street with the doors open. 1519 01:26:06,870 --> 01:26:08,245 Thank God my hair grew in, huh? 1520 01:26:08,413 --> 01:26:09,788 Not yet. 1521 01:26:09,956 --> 01:26:12,249 I got this for Christmas today from him. 1522 01:26:12,417 --> 01:26:14,126 I gave him a towel. 1523 01:26:14,752 --> 01:26:16,962 The VCR is from Grace, James. 1524 01:26:19,924 --> 01:26:22,092 You were right about everything, OK? 1525 01:26:23,803 --> 01:26:24,970 Except... 1526 01:26:27,432 --> 01:26:28,974 the S. S. Minnow, James. 1527 01:26:29,142 --> 01:26:32,019 What was the ship that brought them all to Gilligan's Island? 1528 01:26:32,187 --> 01:26:33,520 The S. S. Minnow. 1529 01:26:34,272 --> 01:26:36,273 No points this round, James. 1530 01:26:36,608 --> 01:26:37,608 - Shit. - What? 1531 01:26:37,775 --> 01:26:40,485 - Wait a minute. - How did he know we were playing that? 1532 01:26:40,653 --> 01:26:41,862 Hello, Wendie. 1533 01:26:47,327 --> 01:26:49,494 Hello, control room! How can I help you? 1534 01:26:49,662 --> 01:26:51,038 This is Rhinelander. 1535 01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:54,333 I want to talk to the idiot who put that moron on the air. 1536 01:26:55,335 --> 01:26:57,085 Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir. 1537 01:26:57,253 --> 01:27:00,631 But he can't talk to you right now 'cause he's tied up. 1538 01:27:02,717 --> 01:27:06,720 Yes, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead. 1539 01:27:06,888 --> 01:27:08,013 A butthead? 1540 01:27:08,181 --> 01:27:10,390 He said he never felt that way about a man before 1541 01:27:10,558 --> 01:27:12,935 but he really liked you in a certain way... 1542 01:27:17,482 --> 01:27:20,776 Whoa, I dropped her! Just kidding. She's a doll. It's OK. 1543 01:27:22,237 --> 01:27:25,280 It's all right. It's a party. Come on, it's Christmas Eve! 1544 01:27:25,448 --> 01:27:26,823 Lighten up a little bit. 1545 01:27:26,991 --> 01:27:30,035 Billy, we are gonna need champagne for 250 people. 1546 01:27:30,203 --> 01:27:32,996 And please send the stuff that you send to me. 1547 01:27:33,164 --> 01:27:34,998 Don't send the stuff that I send to other people. 1548 01:27:35,166 --> 01:27:37,918 You know, it's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun. 1549 01:27:38,086 --> 01:27:40,128 You can call people that you haven't seen. 1550 01:27:40,296 --> 01:27:41,630 You can call a college roommate, 1551 01:27:41,798 --> 01:27:43,799 you can call, you know, an old army buddy. 1552 01:27:43,967 --> 01:27:45,175 Keep that tape rolling. 1553 01:27:45,343 --> 01:27:46,510 You can call your personal banker. 1554 01:27:47,095 --> 01:27:50,931 Hey! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Eliot! 1555 01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:52,266 Great! 1556 01:27:54,769 --> 01:27:55,978 You heard him! Party! 1557 01:27:56,145 --> 01:27:57,562 Now, why wasn't I invited? 1558 01:27:57,730 --> 01:28:00,774 Now that was just an innocent window, and you saw what I did to that. 1559 01:28:01,359 --> 01:28:02,734 You know who you're dealing with? 1560 01:28:02,902 --> 01:28:06,196 I mean, it's a night. You've got to party hearty, Marty. 1561 01:28:06,364 --> 01:28:08,824 Look at this. Check this out. 1562 01:28:09,742 --> 01:28:11,285 Don't be so mean. 1563 01:28:11,953 --> 01:28:14,371 Look at this. There's a rule. 1564 01:28:14,539 --> 01:28:18,875 There's a tradition that says I have to kiss this girl on the lips. 1565 01:28:19,127 --> 01:28:21,253 Well, she's just upholding the law. 1566 01:28:21,421 --> 01:28:24,548 It's a federal law actually, it's not just a state thing. 1567 01:28:27,468 --> 01:28:28,760 Great, Frankie! 1568 01:28:31,723 --> 01:28:34,182 - All right! - I love it! 1569 01:28:34,350 --> 01:28:35,726 - Right on, Frank. - Way to go. 1570 01:28:35,893 --> 01:28:38,103 Here, Mr. Cummings. 1571 01:28:38,980 --> 01:28:41,189 Boy, that was very good. 1572 01:28:41,816 --> 01:28:42,899 But you know what? 1573 01:28:43,067 --> 01:28:44,860 It wasn't great. 1574 01:28:45,903 --> 01:28:47,362 There has only been one great. 1575 01:28:49,824 --> 01:28:52,701 There is a girl that I wish I were with tonight. 1576 01:28:52,869 --> 01:28:55,704 It's a girl that I loved a long time ago. 1577 01:28:57,915 --> 01:28:59,666 A girl that I still love. 1578 01:29:00,126 --> 01:29:03,503 It's Christmas Eve. It's not too late, is it? 1579 01:29:05,340 --> 01:29:06,923 Claire, do you remember? 1580 01:29:07,091 --> 01:29:09,843 Remember the Kama Sutra, page 19? 1581 01:29:10,011 --> 01:29:11,887 Legs around like this, then this thing here. 1582 01:29:12,055 --> 01:29:15,057 You circle me chanting, burning incense, before we begin. 1583 01:29:16,309 --> 01:29:18,435 Remember I said it ain't possible? 1584 01:29:18,603 --> 01:29:20,979 Tonight I think we could do this without 1585 01:29:21,147 --> 01:29:24,399 serious physical or psychological damage. 1586 01:29:24,901 --> 01:29:26,276 Taxi! 1587 01:29:29,197 --> 01:29:31,448 Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes? 1588 01:29:31,616 --> 01:29:33,075 Which floor? 1589 01:29:33,868 --> 01:29:36,787 Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la la la la la 1590 01:29:36,954 --> 01:29:39,956 Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la la la la la 1591 01:29:40,124 --> 01:29:43,168 Don we now our gay apparel Fa la la la la la la la la 1592 01:29:43,336 --> 01:29:46,963 Troll the ancient Yuletide carol Fa la la la la la la la la 1593 01:29:47,131 --> 01:29:53,136 Fa la la la la la la la la 1594 01:29:56,641 --> 01:29:58,433 We should be taping this. 1595 01:30:02,230 --> 01:30:03,730 Now, how did that happen? 1596 01:30:03,898 --> 01:30:06,733 That happened because it's Christmas Eve. I'm telling you! 1597 01:30:06,901 --> 01:30:08,360 I'm not crazy. 1598 01:30:08,736 --> 01:30:09,986 It's Christmas Eve! 1599 01:30:10,154 --> 01:30:13,657 It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, 1600 01:30:13,825 --> 01:30:16,243 we smile a little easier, 1601 01:30:17,620 --> 01:30:19,037 we cheer a little more. 1602 01:30:19,497 --> 01:30:22,082 For a couple of hours out of the whole year, 1603 01:30:22,250 --> 01:30:25,836 we are the people that we always hoped we would be. 1604 01:30:26,629 --> 01:30:28,505 It's a miracle. 1605 01:30:28,673 --> 01:30:30,465 It's really a sort of a miracle 1606 01:30:30,633 --> 01:30:32,926 because it happens every Christmas Eve. 1607 01:30:33,177 --> 01:30:36,513 And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. 1608 01:30:36,681 --> 01:30:38,598 I know what I'm talking about. 1609 01:30:38,766 --> 01:30:41,476 You have to do something. You have to take a chance. 1610 01:30:41,644 --> 01:30:43,061 You do have to get involved. 1611 01:30:43,229 --> 01:30:46,565 There are people that are having trouble making their miracle happen. 1612 01:30:46,732 --> 01:30:48,442 There are people that don't have enough to eat. 1613 01:30:48,609 --> 01:30:49,776 There are people that are cold. 1614 01:30:49,944 --> 01:30:52,237 You can go out and say hello to these people. 1615 01:30:52,405 --> 01:30:55,323 You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say, "Here." 1616 01:30:55,491 --> 01:30:58,160 You can make them a sandwich and say, "Oh, by the way, here." 1617 01:30:58,327 --> 01:31:00,287 I get it now! 1618 01:31:00,621 --> 01:31:02,664 And if you give, 1619 01:31:03,458 --> 01:31:06,585 then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you! 1620 01:31:06,752 --> 01:31:08,670 It's not just the poor and the hungry, 1621 01:31:08,838 --> 01:31:11,047 it's everybody who's gotta have this miracle! 1622 01:31:11,215 --> 01:31:12,966 And it can happen tonight for all of you! 1623 01:31:13,134 --> 01:31:16,344 If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen. 1624 01:31:16,512 --> 01:31:18,472 And then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. 1625 01:31:18,639 --> 01:31:20,056 You won't be one of these bastards who says, 1626 01:31:20,224 --> 01:31:23,226 "Christmas is once a year, it's a fraud." It's not! 1627 01:31:23,394 --> 01:31:26,646 It can happen every day! You've just gotta want that feeling! 1628 01:31:26,814 --> 01:31:30,150 And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! 1629 01:31:30,318 --> 01:31:34,196 You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! 1630 01:31:34,614 --> 01:31:36,448 I believe in it now! 1631 01:31:36,616 --> 01:31:39,910 I believe it's gonna happen to me now! I'm ready for it! 1632 01:31:41,245 --> 01:31:44,080 And it's great. It's a good feeling. 1633 01:31:44,248 --> 01:31:47,751 It's really better than I've felt in a long time. 1634 01:31:49,921 --> 01:31:51,505 I'm ready. 1635 01:31:52,924 --> 01:31:55,050 Have a merry Christmas, everybody. 1636 01:31:58,763 --> 01:31:59,971 You guys see Calvin? 1637 01:32:01,182 --> 01:32:02,933 Did I forget something, big man? 1638 01:32:03,851 --> 01:32:06,436 God bless us, every one. 1639 01:32:39,220 --> 01:32:40,554 Oh, no. 1640 01:32:42,473 --> 01:32:44,099 Lumpy. Lumpy. 1641 01:32:44,267 --> 01:32:45,308 Lumpy, no. 1642 01:32:48,020 --> 01:32:49,938 You're like boating a marlin. 1643 01:32:51,857 --> 01:32:54,901 Claire, the whole world. Whole world, Claire. 1644 01:33:00,825 --> 01:33:03,034 And they lived happily ever after. 1645 01:33:10,209 --> 01:33:12,419 Think of your fellow man 1646 01:33:12,587 --> 01:33:14,129 Lend him a helping hand 1647 01:33:14,297 --> 01:33:17,382 Put a little love in your heart 1648 01:33:18,593 --> 01:33:20,510 You see, it's getting late 1649 01:33:20,678 --> 01:33:22,596 Oh, please don't hesitate 1650 01:33:22,763 --> 01:33:25,849 Put a little love in your heart 1651 01:33:26,017 --> 01:33:34,232 And the world will be a better place 1652 01:33:34,400 --> 01:33:37,777 For you and me 1653 01:33:38,279 --> 01:33:41,615 You just wait and see 1654 01:33:42,950 --> 01:33:45,035 Another day goes by 1655 01:33:45,202 --> 01:33:47,120 And still the children cry 1656 01:33:47,288 --> 01:33:50,206 Put a little love in your heart 1657 01:33:50,875 --> 01:33:51,875 And the world 1658 01:33:52,043 --> 01:33:53,293 Stand up! Stand up! 1659 01:33:53,461 --> 01:33:54,544 Will be a better place 1660 01:33:54,712 --> 01:33:58,298 And the world will be a better place 1661 01:33:58,466 --> 01:34:02,052 For you and me 1662 01:34:02,803 --> 01:34:07,515 Just you wait and see 1663 01:34:07,683 --> 01:34:09,601 Another day goes by 1664 01:34:09,769 --> 01:34:11,645 And still the children cry 1665 01:34:11,812 --> 01:34:22,989 Put a little love in your heart 1666 01:34:24,075 --> 01:34:26,785 Feed me, Seymour. Feed me. 1667 01:34:27,578 --> 01:34:30,246 Come on. Let's hear it from all you folks out there. Come on. 1668 01:34:30,414 --> 01:34:32,582 You don't know the words, come on. 1669 01:34:33,709 --> 01:34:37,379 Come on, let's hear it from this side of the theater. Come on, just over here. 1670 01:34:38,798 --> 01:34:39,839 All right, that's no good. 1671 01:34:40,007 --> 01:34:42,384 Come on, let's try the other side of the theater. Come on. 1672 01:34:44,512 --> 01:34:47,681 All right, how about just the men? Come on, just the men. 1673 01:34:48,474 --> 01:34:51,267 All right, the real men, let's hear the real men. 1674 01:34:52,645 --> 01:34:55,980 All right, all right, the women. The women now, this time. 1675 01:34:57,108 --> 01:34:59,651 No, the real women. The real women. 1676 01:35:00,027 --> 01:35:01,319 You know who you are. 1677 01:35:01,487 --> 01:35:04,906 All right, you, who was making all the noise through the whole movie. 1678 01:35:05,074 --> 01:35:07,659 My brother, the king of Christmas.