1 00:00:16,983 --> 00:00:19,975 [Pounding] 2 00:00:27,227 --> 00:00:28,956 [Loud Thumping] 3 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,259 [Roaring] 4 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,978 [Fanfare] 5 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,344 [Harpsichord] 6 00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:24,173 [Kissing] 7 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,267 [Exhales] 8 00:02:31,684 --> 00:02:34,710 - Darling? - As soon as I finish the chapter, honey. 9 00:02:34,787 --> 00:02:36,778 How many more pages? 10 00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:41,059 - About eight. - Oh. 11 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:44,654 - Shall we leave it till tomorrow maybe, darling? - Sure. Okay, honey. 12 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:48,333 - Night. - Night. 13 00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:27,406 Wow 14 00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:30,806 What we need in the world today 15 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:34,040 Is a guide for the married man 16 00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:37,310 Some simple thing that in every way 17 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:40,841 Would provide for the harried man 18 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:44,651 Help him not to worry 19 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:48,160 Assist him to relax 20 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,629 Help him slow his heart rate 21 00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:55,156 And spare him cardiacs Yeah, yeah, yeah 22 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,432 Such a guide would in many ways 23 00:03:58,504 --> 00:04:02,133 Turn the tide for the married man 24 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:05,575 Enable husbands to fill their days 25 00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:09,206 As only the married can 26 00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:12,547 Every man would praise it 27 00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:16,055 It's such a splendid plan 28 00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:18,818 - [Horns Honking] - Someday soon we shall point with pride 29 00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:21,860 To the guide 30 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:26,524 For the married man 31 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,534 [Vocalizing] 32 00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:36,508 [Vocalizing Continues] 33 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,639 By the side of the married man 34 00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:47,413 'Tis the lady who shares his life 35 00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,684 You help the bride of the married man 36 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:54,523 By removing the husband's strife 37 00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:57,722 Every wife who's truthful 38 00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:01,324 Who treasures married bliss 39 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:04,859 Must keep her husband youthful 40 00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:08,464 What better way than this 41 00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:11,476 Each and every device we know 42 00:05:11,544 --> 00:05:15,571 - Should be tried by the married man - [Rattling] 43 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:18,412 And who can question the debt he'll owe 44 00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:22,113 To the guide for the married man 45 00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:25,385 It will list things universal 46 00:05:25,458 --> 00:05:29,121 - From Pittsburgh to Japan - [No Audible Dialogue] 47 00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:31,857 And every man can be satisfied 48 00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:35,128 By the guide 49 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:37,465 For the married man 50 00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:44,270 The married man, the married man 51 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,241 [Horn Honking] 52 00:05:55,388 --> 00:05:57,413 - Hi, Mr. Manning! - Hiya, Charlie baby. 53 00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,458 - Go get Debbie. Tell 'em we're waiting. - Okay. 54 00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:02,460 And hurry back out. Hiya, Paul. 55 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:06,396 - Hi, Ed. Nice morning, isn't it? - Beautiful. 56 00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,400 - How's Ruth? - Fine. Harriet? 57 00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:10,459 Fine. Oh, that reminds me. 58 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,767 Look, if it should happen to come up, I had lunch with you yesterday. 59 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,673 Yesterday? No, no, no. That was Thursday. 60 00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:19,769 - Yesterday, I had lunch with- - With me, Paul. With me. 61 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:26,447 Oh. Yeah. 62 00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,412 Who was she, Ed? 63 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,889 When I left the barbershop a few days ago... 64 00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,892 there was this lady traffic cop... 65 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,190 and she was writing me out a parking ticket. 66 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,991 [Calliope] 67 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:44,195 - Hi, Daddy! Hi, Daddy! - Daddy! Hi! 68 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,204 But how did you know she'd be willing? 69 00:06:46,272 --> 00:06:49,070 After a while, you sort of begin to develop a nose for it. 70 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,702 Yes, but at the beginning- the first time, for instance. 71 00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:53,803 How did you know the first time? 72 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,405 - Instinct. - Hey, Daddy! Daddy, look! 73 00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,416 Well, what if you don't have instinct? 74 00:06:58,484 --> 00:07:01,385 You have to sort of put out feelers. You know, a little joke first. 75 00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:03,547 - What? - You have to sort of put out feelers. 76 00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:06,922 - A-A little joke first, and then you- - Joke? 77 00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:09,723 - You can joke at a time like that? - Why not? 78 00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:14,062 I don't know. I just thought you'd be too, uh, scar- too fri- 79 00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:17,967 - Do you have to take her out first? - [Debbie] Daddy.! 80 00:07:18,037 --> 00:07:21,666 But what if someone recognizes your car in front of the motel? 81 00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:24,471 Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat. 82 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:26,478 Daddy.! Look at me. 83 00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,741 - Hi, kids. Hi. - Hi, hi. 84 00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:32,282 - Do all married guys do it, Ed? - No, no. 85 00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,785 Maybe there comes a time in every marriage... 86 00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:38,483 when the guy considers it, but not all of them give in to it. 87 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:41,550 Only about 43%. 88 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,993 Which I think is about to go up to 44. 89 00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:46,122 Huh? No, not me. 90 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,133 Never. Never in a hundred years. 91 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:53,195 Never in a thousand years. Never in a... million years. 92 00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:55,206 A million. 93 00:07:57,610 --> 00:08:00,204 Why, Ed? Why? Why does a guy do it? 94 00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:03,578 I can understand it if he doesn't like his wife or he isn't happy at home. 95 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:07,676 But why if he loves his wife, if he's crazy about her and he's glad he's married to her... 96 00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:09,948 and he never wants to be married to anyone else? 97 00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:13,287 - Why, Ed? Why? - Lots of reasons. 98 00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:19,291 A manifestation of latent insecurity. 99 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,335 Can't get better meat than that. 100 00:08:23,402 --> 00:08:25,336 But you know something? You'd get awfully tired of it... 101 00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:27,565 if you didn't have some fish once in a while. 102 00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:31,907 Because she's there. 103 00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:36,415 - Is that why you do it? - No, no, no, no. 104 00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:40,350 Remember how it used to be with a girl when you first met her? 105 00:08:40,419 --> 00:08:42,785 - Heart leaping with joy. - Yeah. 106 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,846 A song on your lips. 107 00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:51,119 [No Audible Dialogue] 108 00:09:06,145 --> 00:09:10,309 - I wanted to feel that again. - Yeah. Feel that. 109 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:14,615 - I knew I was right when I heard what happened to this guy. - Uh-huh? 110 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,678 [Ed Narrating] Married 14 years... 111 00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:19,850 14 of the cleanest years you ever saw. 112 00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:23,828 Never so much as looked at another girl, never mind the other thing. 113 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,830 And then- 114 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,542 Oh! 115 00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:51,386 - No. - Yeah. Right in front of his wife and everything. 116 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:54,858 - Boy, oh, boy. - I wouldn't wanna do that to Harriet. 117 00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:57,157 And I'll tell you a very interesting thing. 118 00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:59,163 - It helped my marriage. - Really? 119 00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:02,098 Uh-huh. Every once in a while, I used to resent Harriet- 120 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:05,001 like it was her fault I was missing out on all the others. 121 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:08,404 Now I haven't resented her for six and a half years. 122 00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:10,465 No kidding? 123 00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:25,346 - Right in front of his wife and everything, eh? - Yeah. 124 00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:30,088 Boy, I'd sure hate for me to do something like that in front of Ruth and everything. 125 00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:33,131 - Paul? - Hmm? 126 00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:36,066 - Are you trying to tell me something? - No, no. 127 00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:39,161 It's just that... I was thinking- 128 00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:43,197 Well, if it would keep a guy from doing something like that in front of his wife- 129 00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:46,438 - Maybe I'm just not- - Beer! Popcorn! Peanuts! Cold drinks! 130 00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,446 - Two beers, lady. - I'll have two beers too, lady. 131 00:10:48,514 --> 00:10:50,448 - Thank you, sweetheart. - My pleasure. 132 00:10:50,516 --> 00:10:52,984 Harriet says we'll be eating in about an hour. 133 00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,745 Right smack in front of her, huh? 134 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,756 And it's clear to the naked eye... 135 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,258 that you're gonna take the plunge any day now. 136 00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,261 - I am? - There's no doubt about it. 137 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,263 I was the same way before I began. 138 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,731 - [Knocking] Hey, fellas. - Come in, Harriet. 139 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,201 Them as wants their hamburgers rare or medium rare better shake a leg. 140 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:13,761 - We'll be right out. - Yeah. 141 00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:17,808 Believe me, kid. You're primed, ready and willing. 142 00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:21,609 Yeah. I'm afraid maybe I am. 143 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,615 - Well, what about Ruth? - Ruth who? 144 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,982 - Ruth, your wife. - No, no, no. You don't understand. 145 00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:30,648 - That's not who I- Oh. - That's right. Oh. 146 00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:34,090 Never a second thought to maybe she'll find out and cry and everything. 147 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,390 - But, Ed, you do it all the time. - So? 148 00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:38,987 So, aren't you afraid you'll make Harriet cry and everything? 149 00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:42,432 No. Because I had enough sense of decency. 150 00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:45,902 I loved Harriet enough to wait until I learned how to do it well. 151 00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:47,939 Oh. 152 00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:49,998 That's why I want you to promise me something- 153 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:52,601 that you'll hold off until I can give you a few pointers... 154 00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:55,408 before getting into the old ball game. 155 00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:58,177 Okay, Ed. You're the coach. [Chuckles] 156 00:11:58,250 --> 00:12:00,514 Will you look at that? 157 00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:03,714 The poor kid. Baby, your eyes must be killing you. 158 00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:08,158 - Here. Here, let me do that. - Thank you, darling. 159 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:11,856 What a mess. Women shouldn't be allowed near these things. 160 00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:17,331 There's so much to know. So much to know. 161 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,839 Where to take her, how to choose her, what to do if a man answers. 162 00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:22,840 - Hang up? - Wrong. 163 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:25,001 Ask to speak to Jack and then say you got a wrong number? 164 00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:27,375 - What if his name happens to be Jack? - Oh. 165 00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:30,347 See? Already you're in trouble. 166 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,544 [Hushed] What do you do if a man answers? 167 00:12:33,619 --> 00:12:37,214 You put your hand over the mouthpiece so he doesn't hear you breathing. 168 00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:39,883 Then he'll think there's something wrong with the connection... 169 00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,551 - and hang up. - Yeah. 170 00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:44,721 [Ed] Then, of course, you've got to get out of the house at night... 171 00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:48,426 - without arousing suspicion. - [Paul] You do, don't you? 172 00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,368 Unless you're unemployed and have your afternoons free. 173 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:55,771 Oh. Well, I could say that I was at the office working late. 174 00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:57,775 And what happens if Ruth should phone you there... 175 00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,970 and find you're not there working late? 176 00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:04,573 - Oh. - Which brings us to basic principle number one. 177 00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:07,016 Never, never say you'll be... 178 00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:09,919 where you can be found not to be. 179 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,888 Yes. I can see that. 180 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,154 Boy, oh, boy. It gets pretty complicated, doesn't it? 181 00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:18,992 Protecting your loved ones is never easy, kid. 182 00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:24,525 Yes. Then how do you get out of the house at night without arousing suspicion? 183 00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:28,130 Well, it depends upon the kind of wife you've got. 184 00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:31,233 This guy I knew, he invented a brilliant gambit. 185 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:34,677 He used what he called the "bust-up scene. " 186 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,408 - He'd provoke a fight. - [Door Closes] 187 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:40,011 - Joe? - Yeah? 188 00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:42,019 - Hi, baby. - Hi, honey. 189 00:13:42,087 --> 00:13:44,021 - How are the kids? - Fine. 190 00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:46,580 - Good. What's for dinner? - Chicken. 191 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,957 Chicken? We just had that two days ago. 192 00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,758 No. That was last Thursday we had chicken. 193 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,767 - Are you callin' me a liar? - No, honey. I just- 194 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,565 A man kills himself workin' for his wife and family all day long. 195 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,800 What does he get when he gets home? Chicken and insults. 196 00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:05,173 - Honey. - It's not bad enough we have chicken every day- 197 00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:07,542 We do not have chicken every day. 198 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,547 Why don't you learn how to cook somethin' else for a change? 199 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,708 I do! Yesterday, we had pot roast. 200 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,718 - That was pot roast, huh? - Yeah! 201 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:16,084 Tasted more like the pot than the roast. 202 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:20,091 - Are you complaining about my cooking? - Yes. 203 00:14:20,159 --> 00:14:22,389 Well, if you don't like it, why don't you go someplace else? 204 00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:24,395 - All right! I will! - All right! Go ahead! 205 00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:27,398 - Aw, quiet! - [Shouts] 206 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:06,365 [Whistling] 207 00:15:17,982 --> 00:15:20,041 [Whistling] 208 00:15:28,793 --> 00:15:31,284 [Romantic] 209 00:15:43,341 --> 00:15:45,673 [Giggling] 210 00:16:26,684 --> 00:16:28,618 Harry. 211 00:16:30,821 --> 00:16:34,780 - Hello? - Baby. Baby, I'm sorry. 212 00:16:34,859 --> 00:16:39,796 - Well, you ought to be. - Yeah, yeah. I feel terrible, baby. 213 00:16:39,864 --> 00:16:42,856 - I don't know why you put up with me. - Neither do I. 214 00:16:44,435 --> 00:16:47,927 - Did you eat? - Yeah. I caught a hamburger in some joint. 215 00:16:48,005 --> 00:16:49,939 Then I sort of just drove around. 216 00:16:51,675 --> 00:16:54,906 - I feel terrible, honey. - Well... 217 00:16:54,979 --> 00:16:57,539 maybe we do have chicken a little too often. 218 00:16:57,615 --> 00:16:59,947 No, no. Honey- Honey, it's not that. 219 00:17:00,017 --> 00:17:03,043 It's just this crazy temper of mine. 220 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,588 I don't know why I keep takin' it out on you. 221 00:17:06,857 --> 00:17:09,792 Well, maybe that's what a wife is for. 222 00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:14,797 - Oh, no. Honey, I love your chicken. - Really, honey? 223 00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:17,925 But most of all, I love you, honey. 224 00:17:18,002 --> 00:17:20,596 I love you, honey. 225 00:17:20,671 --> 00:17:23,265 See ya tonight, baby. [Kissing Noise] 226 00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:25,433 [Kissing Noise] 227 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:37,883 [Ed] Did you notice his use of the continuous-action verb- 228 00:17:37,955 --> 00:17:40,253 "keep on taking it out on you"? 229 00:17:40,324 --> 00:17:43,521 Thereby setting it up for next time. 230 00:17:43,594 --> 00:17:48,497 [Paul, Chuckling] Yes. It's a pretty elaborate way of doing it, isn't it? 231 00:17:48,566 --> 00:17:51,933 Yeah. Thereby proving how deeply he cares for his wife. 232 00:17:56,373 --> 00:17:58,568 - [Door Slams] - Hello, darling. 233 00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:00,576 - Hello, honey. - [Kissing Noise] 234 00:18:00,644 --> 00:18:03,875 - What's for dinner? - Vichyssoise, casserole cassoulet... 235 00:18:03,948 --> 00:18:06,178 mousse � la russe and Irish coffee. 236 00:18:11,455 --> 00:18:13,389 - Well, that sounds expensive. - Expensive? 237 00:18:13,457 --> 00:18:17,951 A couple of potatoes, three-quarters of a pound of sausage, four eggs. 238 00:18:18,028 --> 00:18:22,158 [Stammers] What-What kind of food is that to give to a child? 239 00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:24,394 Deborah? She's already eaten. 240 00:18:24,468 --> 00:18:26,834 Cauliflower, creamed spinach and lamb chops. 241 00:18:31,709 --> 00:18:35,543 That's the trouble with Ruth. She's such a wonderful wife. 242 00:18:35,613 --> 00:18:38,377 Look, Paul, if you care enough for your wife... 243 00:18:38,449 --> 00:18:42,579 you can always find something about her that you can't stand. 244 00:18:45,956 --> 00:18:49,323 - [Door Slams] - Oh. Hi, darling. 245 00:18:49,393 --> 00:18:51,657 What are you so cheerful about? 246 00:18:51,729 --> 00:18:54,994 Did it ever occur to you that I may not be feeling cheerful? 247 00:18:55,065 --> 00:18:58,091 No. You're much too selfish for that. 248 00:18:58,169 --> 00:19:01,195 Always thinking only of yourself! 249 00:19:01,272 --> 00:19:04,571 Well, if you think I'm just gonna stick around here watching you be cheerful... 250 00:19:04,642 --> 00:19:07,805 you're sadly mistaken. 251 00:19:07,878 --> 00:19:09,846 And I'm gonna come back when I'm good and rea- 252 00:19:09,914 --> 00:19:12,246 [Muffled Cry] 253 00:19:12,316 --> 00:19:14,944 Oh, I'm sorry. Honey, I'm terr- 254 00:19:15,019 --> 00:19:17,613 terribly... sorry. 255 00:19:19,623 --> 00:19:22,592 [Ed] After the bust-up scene, okay, flowers. 256 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:24,628 But if you didn't even do it. 257 00:19:24,695 --> 00:19:26,629 Maybe I'm just not cut out for the whole thing. 258 00:19:26,697 --> 00:19:29,825 I mean, it's just that she's so sensitive. Thank you. 259 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:33,199 Sure. I understand, kid. Harriet's the same way. 260 00:19:33,270 --> 00:19:37,206 If she weren't, would I make all those sacrifices to keep her from finding out? 261 00:19:37,274 --> 00:19:39,640 Yeah. I suppose so. 262 00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:42,338 What would make a sensitive woman like Ruth fight back? 263 00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:44,347 Well, I know what bugs Harriet- 264 00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:46,815 when I act like I'm the lord of the manor... 265 00:19:46,884 --> 00:19:49,011 and she's a lowly peasant like- 266 00:19:49,086 --> 00:19:54,080 Once I complained that some men have a drink waiting for them when they get home. 267 00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:56,353 Boy, did she give it to me. 268 00:19:56,427 --> 00:19:58,486 "Yes, Your Royal Highness. 269 00:19:58,562 --> 00:20:00,757 "At your service, Your Majesty. 270 00:20:00,831 --> 00:20:03,891 Your slightest wish is my command, O big shot. " 271 00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:40,496 Hi, darling. Darling! 272 00:20:40,571 --> 00:20:42,505 - What happened? - Uh! 273 00:20:42,573 --> 00:20:44,666 - Are you all right? - It's all right. I hurt my back a bit. 274 00:20:44,742 --> 00:20:47,006 - Nothing serious. - Oh, your back? 275 00:20:47,077 --> 00:20:50,535 - Listen, Ruth. Some men- - Oh, you poor dear. Shall I call the doctor? 276 00:20:50,614 --> 00:20:52,639 - No. Now, listen to me. Will you listen to me? - Maybe some heating pads. 277 00:20:52,716 --> 00:20:54,650 - Some men, when they come home at night- - I've got a better idea. 278 00:20:54,718 --> 00:20:57,949 - A steam bath. It'll soothe- - A steam bath- Steam bath? 279 00:20:58,022 --> 00:21:00,456 - Uh-huh. - Where you stay over all night? 280 00:21:00,524 --> 00:21:02,458 - Yes. - For men only? 281 00:21:02,526 --> 00:21:04,858 - Naturally. - [Groans] 282 00:21:04,928 --> 00:21:06,862 Darling. 283 00:21:07,865 --> 00:21:10,834 - [Whimpering] - Oh. 284 00:21:10,901 --> 00:21:12,835 - [Moans] - Oh, darling. 285 00:21:19,843 --> 00:21:21,777 [Mouthing Words] 286 00:21:39,496 --> 00:21:42,056 Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. 287 00:21:42,132 --> 00:21:44,293 I think you've got big things ahead of you, kid. 288 00:21:44,368 --> 00:21:46,700 Thanks, Ed. I hated lying to her though. 289 00:21:46,770 --> 00:21:49,671 I know, but you gotta keep remembering it's for her own good. 290 00:21:49,740 --> 00:21:52,072 Yes. That's true. I keep telling myself. [Chuckling] 291 00:21:52,142 --> 00:21:54,076 - Sure. It's the least we can do for them. - [Door Opens] 292 00:21:54,144 --> 00:21:57,944 Mr. Manning. Mr. Fordyce called. 293 00:21:58,015 --> 00:22:00,950 He wants to know whether it's right to liquidate the Muriett Valley holdings. 294 00:22:01,018 --> 00:22:03,680 No, no. No, no. Tell him, um... 295 00:22:03,754 --> 00:22:06,985 considering the prepaid interest factor... 296 00:22:07,057 --> 00:22:09,855 there's a distinct tax benefit... 297 00:22:09,927 --> 00:22:12,487 in waiting until the next... 298 00:22:12,563 --> 00:22:14,497 fiscal period. 299 00:22:14,565 --> 00:22:17,159 No, no. Tell him I'll "fall" him- uh, call him. 300 00:22:17,234 --> 00:22:19,168 Yes, sir. 301 00:22:21,472 --> 00:22:23,406 - No, Paul. - Huh? 302 00:22:23,474 --> 00:22:25,408 - Uh. - Oh. Why not? 303 00:22:25,476 --> 00:22:28,502 You're not ready yet, kid. And about the steam bath, kid... 304 00:22:28,579 --> 00:22:31,776 there's one little improvement you can make, if you don't mind my saying so. 305 00:22:31,849 --> 00:22:36,479 - No, no. Go right ahead. - Tell Ruth that you're switching to a Finnish sauna. 306 00:22:36,553 --> 00:22:39,021 - A Finnish sauna? - Yeah, where they hit you with tree branches... 307 00:22:39,089 --> 00:22:41,250 while you're sweating it out. 308 00:22:41,325 --> 00:22:43,919 - Why is that better? - Well, you never know. 309 00:22:43,994 --> 00:22:47,555 Someday, you may find yourself with a friend who gets sort of carried away. 310 00:22:47,631 --> 00:22:51,829 The tree branches would explain the scratches on your back. [Chuckles] 311 00:22:51,902 --> 00:22:54,234 - Oh. - [Door Closes] 312 00:22:54,371 --> 00:22:58,705 - A bottle of Old Ironsides, please. Giant, economy size. - Yes, sir. 313 00:22:58,776 --> 00:23:01,870 - Aftershave lotion-worth its weight in gold. - Really? Why? 314 00:23:01,945 --> 00:23:04,914 It's not very likely that your wife and your friend... 315 00:23:04,982 --> 00:23:08,076 use the same kind of perfume, is it? 316 00:23:08,152 --> 00:23:10,518 Which can result in complications. 317 00:23:10,587 --> 00:23:12,987 Taxi! 318 00:23:13,056 --> 00:23:14,990 [Tapping On Window] 319 00:23:18,228 --> 00:23:20,162 727 Seabury. 320 00:24:03,106 --> 00:24:05,301 W- Wait. Wait. Stop. Hold everything. 321 00:24:10,848 --> 00:24:15,342 - [Tires Squeal] - [Horns Honking] 322 00:24:22,226 --> 00:24:25,593 Didn't you ever see a man lose anything before? Get going. 323 00:24:28,932 --> 00:24:32,163 - Hi, sweet. - Oh, hello, dear. 324 00:24:32,236 --> 00:24:34,864 - [Loud Kiss] - How was the P.T.A. meeting? 325 00:24:34,938 --> 00:24:37,930 - Oh, dull. Dull, as usual. - [Clicks Tongue] Yes. 326 00:24:38,008 --> 00:24:40,203 Thank you for volunteering to go alone. 327 00:24:40,277 --> 00:24:42,211 Why should both of us be bored? 328 00:24:42,279 --> 00:24:45,271 [Yawns] Certainly knocks you out though. 329 00:24:45,349 --> 00:24:47,283 I think I'll hit the hay. 330 00:24:47,351 --> 00:24:50,878 Well, you deserve it, dear. Good night, dear. 331 00:24:50,954 --> 00:24:52,979 Good night, sweet. 332 00:25:02,099 --> 00:25:04,966 That's when I realized some defensive measure had to be taken. 333 00:25:05,035 --> 00:25:08,630 I tried dozens of them before I found Old Ironsides. 334 00:25:08,705 --> 00:25:11,435 Really? What do you think makes it so special? 335 00:25:11,508 --> 00:25:14,272 - Here. Smell it. - [Sniffing] Wow. 336 00:25:14,344 --> 00:25:16,972 The most powerful aftershave lotion on the market. 337 00:25:17,047 --> 00:25:20,847 A few drops of this, and you "outsmell" any woman's perfume ever invented. 338 00:25:20,918 --> 00:25:24,376 - No kidding? - Yeah. 339 00:25:24,454 --> 00:25:26,479 - Hey. There's Irma Johnson. - Who? 340 00:25:26,557 --> 00:25:29,321 - Irma Johnson. My neighbor. - Where? 341 00:25:29,393 --> 00:25:31,384 There. 342 00:25:33,730 --> 00:25:36,164 [Chuckling] Come on. 343 00:25:36,233 --> 00:25:38,167 [Ed] What big eyes you have, Grandma. 344 00:25:38,235 --> 00:25:41,068 Huh? Yeah. Yeah. I have very big eyes. 345 00:25:41,138 --> 00:25:43,106 Your memory isn't bad either. 346 00:25:43,173 --> 00:25:44,902 Yeah, well, I, uh- 347 00:25:44,975 --> 00:25:48,467 - Hi. - Hi. 348 00:25:48,545 --> 00:25:51,275 - How nice to see you. - Really? 349 00:25:51,348 --> 00:25:53,908 - It's nice to be seen. - [Both Laughing] 350 00:25:53,984 --> 00:25:58,478 - Irma Johnson, my neighbor, I'd like you to meet, uh- - Ed Stander. 351 00:25:58,555 --> 00:26:00,785 - Nice to meet you, Mrs. Johnson. - Nice meeting you too. 352 00:26:00,857 --> 00:26:03,826 We were just on our way to lunch when I happened to recognize you. 353 00:26:03,894 --> 00:26:06,419 From behind? 354 00:26:06,496 --> 00:26:09,056 - Well, I have very big eyes. - [Laughs] 355 00:26:09,132 --> 00:26:12,226 And deliciously long eyelashes to go with them. 356 00:26:12,302 --> 00:26:14,964 - Really? - Uh-huh. 357 00:26:15,038 --> 00:26:18,804 Well, it was lovely running into you two. 358 00:26:18,875 --> 00:26:21,241 - Seriously? - Yes. 359 00:26:21,311 --> 00:26:24,007 - Uh, nice meeting you too, Mr. Stander. - Likewise. 360 00:26:24,081 --> 00:26:27,608 - [Chuckles] Uh, toodle-oo. - Toodle. 361 00:26:33,724 --> 00:26:35,453 Oh, boy. 362 00:26:35,525 --> 00:26:37,459 - What's the matter? - What's the matter? 363 00:26:37,527 --> 00:26:39,893 You might as well be wearing a neon sign announcing your intentions. 364 00:26:39,963 --> 00:26:43,364 - I'm sorry, Ed. - It's those little things that count, kid. 365 00:26:43,433 --> 00:26:46,300 They're the difference between a happy and an unhappy marriage. 366 00:26:46,370 --> 00:26:50,397 Yeah. I'll watch 'em, Ed. Listen, can I get Old Ironsides in any drugstore? 367 00:26:50,474 --> 00:26:52,738 Oh, Paul, Paul. Baby, baby. 368 00:26:52,809 --> 00:26:54,970 - But you said that I ought to buy it. - Sure. 369 00:26:55,045 --> 00:26:57,775 But we mustn't forget about Ruth, must we? 370 00:26:57,848 --> 00:27:00,749 - Ruth who? - Ruth, your wife. 371 00:27:00,817 --> 00:27:02,751 - Oh. - What do you think she's gonna think? 372 00:27:02,819 --> 00:27:05,617 Think? Just because I change my aftershave lotion? 373 00:27:05,689 --> 00:27:07,623 - Is that all you've done, Paul? - Yeah, sure. 374 00:27:07,691 --> 00:27:10,956 - Yeah? Uh? Uh? - Oh, you mean the back bit. 375 00:27:11,028 --> 00:27:14,464 Aw, come on, Ed. Being careful is one thing, but this? 376 00:27:14,531 --> 00:27:17,796 She'd have to be clairvoyant to connect the two. 377 00:27:17,868 --> 00:27:19,802 If she has to, she will. 378 00:27:19,870 --> 00:27:23,362 Now, Ed, you're being too careful. 379 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,634 Too careful, huh? 380 00:27:26,343 --> 00:27:29,676 There was this guy. He was a big movie star. 381 00:27:36,453 --> 00:27:38,387 Have a nice day, darling. 382 00:27:48,465 --> 00:27:51,059 - There he is! - [All Screaming] 383 00:27:51,134 --> 00:27:54,695 - Morning, Maddock. - [All Chattering] 384 00:27:54,771 --> 00:27:57,934 There you are, girls. That's it for today, girls. 385 00:27:58,008 --> 00:27:59,976 Be good to your mothers. 386 00:28:00,043 --> 00:28:02,011 [Girls Screaming] 387 00:28:10,053 --> 00:28:12,681 Hiya, Rance. 388 00:28:12,756 --> 00:28:15,850 Good morning, Rance. Aw, you look great, Rance. 389 00:28:15,926 --> 00:28:20,295 Did you sleep well, Rance? Can I do anything for you? 390 00:28:24,501 --> 00:28:27,629 Oh, that's a new kid the studio just put under contract. 391 00:28:27,704 --> 00:28:30,036 Can I get you anything? 392 00:28:30,107 --> 00:28:32,302 [Whistling] 393 00:28:35,011 --> 00:28:37,002 [All Chattering] 394 00:28:39,649 --> 00:28:43,415 [Overlapping Hellos] 395 00:28:43,487 --> 00:28:45,421 Hiya, Bill! How have you been? 396 00:28:45,489 --> 00:28:47,889 Hiya, Rance! Good seein' ya. 397 00:28:47,958 --> 00:28:50,722 Oh, by the way, Rance, I'd like you to meet a little friend of mine. 398 00:28:50,794 --> 00:28:53,922 Rance, this is Miss Stardust. Miss Stardust, Rance. 399 00:28:55,999 --> 00:29:00,663 - Pleased to meet you, Miss Stardust. - Likewise, Your Stardom. 400 00:29:00,737 --> 00:29:02,728 Rance, why don't you sit down and join us for a minute? 401 00:29:02,806 --> 00:29:04,831 Okay, but, uh, just for a moment. 402 00:29:04,908 --> 00:29:07,934 How's Mrs. G., Rance? Wonderful little lady. 403 00:29:08,011 --> 00:29:09,945 You're a lucky guy to have a little lady like that. 404 00:29:10,013 --> 00:29:11,947 Loudmouth here tell you how you can become a star? 405 00:29:12,015 --> 00:29:14,451 - You're the first one to know it, too, aren't you? - Okay? Good. 406 00:29:14,584 --> 00:29:18,145 - [Bill Continues, Indistinct] - A big star like myself has to be very careful. 407 00:29:18,221 --> 00:29:20,155 So here's how we're gonna do it. 408 00:29:42,745 --> 00:29:46,579 - Flight 193 to Honolulu. - Flight 8 to New York. 409 00:30:50,313 --> 00:30:52,304 [Speaking Foreign Language] 410 00:31:30,053 --> 00:31:32,044 [Tires Squealing] 411 00:32:14,964 --> 00:32:18,127 [Pig Squealing] 412 00:32:24,607 --> 00:32:26,541 [Pipe Breaking] 413 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,219 [Sneezes] 414 00:33:26,469 --> 00:33:28,403 [Knocking] 415 00:33:28,471 --> 00:33:31,099 [Men Chattering In Italian] 416 00:33:36,546 --> 00:33:38,537 [Chattering Continues] 417 00:33:40,316 --> 00:33:43,911 [Ed] And it's now costing him $3,000 a week... 418 00:33:43,986 --> 00:33:46,887 not to mention the house, car, insurance policies. 419 00:33:46,956 --> 00:33:50,187 - Boy, oh, boy. - Yeah. So repeat after me. 420 00:33:50,259 --> 00:33:52,989 - There is no such thing... - There is no such thing... 421 00:33:53,062 --> 00:33:56,395 - as too careful. - as too careful. 422 00:33:56,466 --> 00:33:59,835 - Good boy. - Maybe I ought to switch to Old Ironsides. 423 00:33:59,902 --> 00:34:01,836 - Thank you. - Yep. 424 00:34:01,904 --> 00:34:03,735 Maybe if you bought it for me... 425 00:34:03,806 --> 00:34:05,740 you know, sort of as a birthday present. 426 00:34:05,808 --> 00:34:07,867 Yeah, that would be better, but- 427 00:34:07,944 --> 00:34:09,912 Think how much still better it would be... 428 00:34:09,979 --> 00:34:12,607 - if Ruth herself were to get it for you. - Ruth who? 429 00:34:12,682 --> 00:34:14,411 - Ruth, your wife. - Oh. 430 00:34:55,324 --> 00:34:57,258 [Exhales] 431 00:35:22,218 --> 00:35:24,584 [Sniffling] 432 00:35:44,774 --> 00:35:46,708 [Chokes] 433 00:35:57,820 --> 00:36:00,448 - [Laughing] - [TV: Novelty Music, Canned Laughter] 434 00:36:13,636 --> 00:36:15,570 [TV Continues] 435 00:36:22,812 --> 00:36:24,746 [Laughing] 436 00:37:34,650 --> 00:37:36,584 Good-bye, Deborah. 437 00:37:42,124 --> 00:37:46,026 Mommy, Mommy.! Daddy smells.! 438 00:37:46,095 --> 00:37:51,328 Well, it's really not nice to say that about somebody, even a daddy. 439 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,334 It might hurt their feelings. 440 00:37:55,871 --> 00:37:58,567 - May I help you, madam? - Yes. 441 00:37:58,641 --> 00:38:01,872 What is the most powerful aftershave lotion you have? 442 00:38:03,479 --> 00:38:05,970 [Jazzy, Faint] 443 00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,914 I took one look at that babysitter, and I thought to myself... 444 00:38:13,990 --> 00:38:16,686 "Thank goodness my son's only eight months old. " 445 00:38:16,759 --> 00:38:19,193 [Guests Chattering] 446 00:38:19,261 --> 00:38:23,220 My babysitter calls me the day before and tells me what to put in the refrigerator. 447 00:38:23,299 --> 00:38:25,733 - [Knocking] - That's Ed. 448 00:38:25,801 --> 00:38:28,861 - [Woman] Hi, Harriet. Hi, Ed. - Hi. 449 00:38:28,938 --> 00:38:30,872 - Hi, Ed. - How are you, Paul? 450 00:38:30,940 --> 00:38:32,874 [Sniffing] 451 00:38:34,110 --> 00:38:36,738 Boy, oh, boy. Did I feel like an awful heel. 452 00:38:36,812 --> 00:38:39,042 If she knew, she'd thank you. 453 00:38:39,115 --> 00:38:41,606 [Humming, Vocalizing] 454 00:38:48,691 --> 00:38:51,660 Don't worry, girls. The fellas promise to let their wives drive home. 455 00:38:51,727 --> 00:38:55,185 - [All Laughing] - But who's going to drive the wives home? 456 00:38:55,264 --> 00:38:57,198 Two drinks, and Freddie thinks he's Batman. 457 00:38:57,266 --> 00:38:59,200 Luckily, we don't have far to go. 458 00:38:59,268 --> 00:39:01,133 Who's the water and scotch? Who's the scotch and water? 459 00:39:01,203 --> 00:39:04,195 ...with his secretary for years. 460 00:39:04,273 --> 00:39:07,868 Secretary. Huh! My three-year-old son can type better than her. 461 00:39:07,943 --> 00:39:10,912 - But he's not built like her. - How can a woman be so blind? 462 00:39:10,980 --> 00:39:14,074 And any guy who doesn't let her know he's married right off the bat... 463 00:39:14,150 --> 00:39:16,084 is just looking for trouble. 464 00:39:16,152 --> 00:39:18,677 I don't know, Ed. You lose an awful lot of them that way. 465 00:39:18,754 --> 00:39:21,882 Better to lose one or two than face something like this. 466 00:39:21,957 --> 00:39:25,393 Oscar J. Schwartzcoff- 2798 Coldhaven Road- 467 00:39:25,461 --> 00:39:27,691 is a dirty, double-crossing fink! 468 00:39:27,763 --> 00:39:31,130 Oscar J. Schwartzcoff- 2798 Coldhaven Road- 469 00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:33,964 is a dirty, double-crossing fink! 470 00:39:34,036 --> 00:39:35,936 - [Laughing] ... which has been known to happen. 471 00:39:36,005 --> 00:39:38,599 I'd kill mine if I even thought he was doing it. 472 00:39:38,674 --> 00:39:40,608 - Not me. - You wouldn't? 473 00:39:40,676 --> 00:39:44,134 No. As long as I didn't know, I wouldn't care. 474 00:39:44,213 --> 00:39:47,273 - What would you do if you did know? - Pretend I didn't. 475 00:39:47,349 --> 00:39:51,080 No. You're wrong, Ed. You take 'em to the most popular place in town. 476 00:39:51,153 --> 00:39:53,314 Where you're pretty sure to get seen by some bigmouth... 477 00:39:53,389 --> 00:39:55,414 who knows you and your wife. 478 00:39:55,491 --> 00:39:59,552 Maybe, but even if it does get back to your wife, you can always counter with... 479 00:39:59,628 --> 00:40:02,563 "Would you have taken her to a place where you were sure to be seen... 480 00:40:02,631 --> 00:40:05,657 - if it weren't absolutely innocent?" - Yes, but- 481 00:40:05,734 --> 00:40:08,202 Yes, and your way-with the hideaway- you get seen... 482 00:40:08,270 --> 00:40:10,830 and it's prima facie evidence against you. 483 00:40:10,906 --> 00:40:12,897 Granted, but my way fixes it... 484 00:40:12,975 --> 00:40:15,944 so that it can't possibly get back to your wife. 485 00:40:16,011 --> 00:40:18,036 Why? What guarantee have you got... 486 00:40:18,114 --> 00:40:21,049 that you won't get seen in your crummy little hideaway? 487 00:40:21,117 --> 00:40:24,018 None. Except that, if you are seen by someone in the hideaway... 488 00:40:24,086 --> 00:40:28,819 it's obviously someone else who's hiding away, and who's he to talk? 489 00:40:28,891 --> 00:40:33,328 Because then he's got to explain what he was doing there himself. 490 00:40:36,565 --> 00:40:39,398 And at 78, you'd think they'd be finished with that sort of thing. 491 00:40:39,468 --> 00:40:41,402 As long as there's breath in their bodies... 492 00:40:41,470 --> 00:40:43,529 they're never finished with that sort of thing. 493 00:40:43,606 --> 00:40:45,540 ...basically not monogamous. 494 00:40:45,608 --> 00:40:48,372 Yeah. I suppose that's as good a reason as any. 495 00:40:48,444 --> 00:40:51,743 ...but when a man is 40, he can still get a 20-year-old tootsie. 496 00:40:51,814 --> 00:40:56,979 ...this 20-year-old chick- - A woman would have to be in love first, but men- 497 00:40:57,052 --> 00:40:59,282 Yeah, but, fellas, is the whole thing worth it- 498 00:40:59,355 --> 00:41:01,755 risking your marriage, your home, your family? 499 00:41:01,824 --> 00:41:04,588 That's exactly what I say. It's not worth it. 500 00:41:04,660 --> 00:41:06,594 Sometimes I wish I felt that way... 501 00:41:06,662 --> 00:41:10,996 and then I see a perky little thing, and I get- Ooh. 502 00:41:12,334 --> 00:41:15,997 - But why? Why do they do it? - Oh, lots of reasons. 503 00:41:17,940 --> 00:41:21,535 Because he thinks he's God's gift to women. 504 00:41:23,846 --> 00:41:26,747 - Because his wife didn't understand him. - [Baby Crying] 505 00:41:26,815 --> 00:41:28,749 The lucky girl. 506 00:41:28,817 --> 00:41:30,808 [Gunshot] 507 00:41:31,921 --> 00:41:34,617 Because he was a louse. 508 00:41:34,690 --> 00:41:37,682 - [Background: Up Tempo] - Isn't it funny how we happen to leave the house... 509 00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:40,456 at the same time every morning? 510 00:41:40,529 --> 00:41:42,463 Maybe it's fate, doll. 511 00:41:42,531 --> 00:41:45,989 - If it is, it's a fate better than death. - [Both Chuckling] 512 00:41:46,068 --> 00:41:49,526 - You are a devil, aren't you? - Really? 513 00:41:49,605 --> 00:41:52,870 A big-eyed, long-lashed devil. 514 00:41:52,942 --> 00:41:55,206 - Seriously? - Uh-huh. 515 00:41:55,277 --> 00:41:59,646 - Do you believe in flaunting fate, Mr. Devil? - Well, I, uh- 516 00:41:59,715 --> 00:42:01,649 - I don't. - Me neither. 517 00:42:01,717 --> 00:42:04,550 Then maybe you can give me a lift some morning. 518 00:42:04,620 --> 00:42:06,850 - I can? - Why not? 519 00:42:06,922 --> 00:42:10,449 I could certainly use a lift some mornings. 520 00:42:10,526 --> 00:42:12,619 Yes. Who couldn't? 521 00:42:27,810 --> 00:42:29,778 [Chuckles] 522 00:42:33,482 --> 00:42:35,416 Big fella. 523 00:42:35,484 --> 00:42:37,645 Who was the sexiest lady there tonight? 524 00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:39,779 - You, dear. - Really? 525 00:42:39,855 --> 00:42:43,018 - Yeah, sure. - [Titters] 526 00:42:43,092 --> 00:42:45,026 Did you like the way I looked? 527 00:42:45,094 --> 00:42:47,028 [Muffled] Yeah, great. 528 00:42:47,096 --> 00:42:49,257 - How about my hair? - How about it? 529 00:42:51,267 --> 00:42:54,236 - Do you like it this way? - Yeah, great. 530 00:42:54,303 --> 00:42:56,533 How am I wearing it? 531 00:42:56,605 --> 00:42:59,665 Uh, up-up there somewhere. 532 00:42:59,742 --> 00:43:03,234 That's close. And what was I wearing tonight? 533 00:43:03,312 --> 00:43:05,246 - Wearing? - Uh-huh. 534 00:43:05,314 --> 00:43:07,782 Well, um, three-piece suit. 535 00:43:07,850 --> 00:43:10,717 Uh, silver-lam� jacket with long sleeves. 536 00:43:10,786 --> 00:43:13,186 Under that, a sleeveless-shell blouse... 537 00:43:13,255 --> 00:43:16,418 with black striped bands at the neck and waist. 538 00:43:16,492 --> 00:43:20,223 Rhinestone earrings and black velvet headband. 539 00:43:20,296 --> 00:43:23,732 Silver handbag. Silver shoes with matching bows... 540 00:43:23,799 --> 00:43:26,700 and fashionable heels with sling straps. 541 00:43:26,769 --> 00:43:29,897 And straight, hip-hugging skirt. 542 00:43:30,906 --> 00:43:32,965 [Ed] Here you are, baby. 543 00:43:34,610 --> 00:43:36,544 Mm. 544 00:43:37,546 --> 00:43:39,480 - Pussycat. - Yeah? 545 00:43:39,548 --> 00:43:41,709 If you had your choice among all the girls at the party tonight- 546 00:43:41,784 --> 00:43:44,719 You. Of course. 547 00:43:47,289 --> 00:43:49,348 - And so would Harry Johnson. - Oh, Ed. 548 00:43:49,425 --> 00:43:51,757 No. I know the type. 549 00:43:51,827 --> 00:43:54,227 Somebody else's grass is always greener. 550 00:43:54,296 --> 00:43:56,230 - Really? - Yeah. 551 00:43:56,298 --> 00:43:58,493 That's why I want you to be a little standoffish. 552 00:43:58,567 --> 00:44:02,435 You know, civil but with a touch of you can't stand him. 553 00:44:02,504 --> 00:44:06,338 All right, darling, but I can't really believe he's like that. 554 00:44:06,408 --> 00:44:08,535 Well, I don't trust him one inch. 555 00:44:08,610 --> 00:44:11,602 It doesn't matter about him, pussycat. 556 00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:15,343 - As long as you and I trust each other. - Yeah. 557 00:44:15,417 --> 00:44:18,818 Darling, what were you men talking so heatedly about tonight? 558 00:44:18,887 --> 00:44:22,414 Oh, baseball, the stock market. You know. 559 00:44:22,491 --> 00:44:24,618 What were you girls talking about? 560 00:44:24,693 --> 00:44:28,094 Oh, kids, new styles. You know. 561 00:44:28,163 --> 00:44:31,367 Yeah. Good party, wasn't it? 562 00:44:31,500 --> 00:44:33,627 Yes. 563 00:44:33,702 --> 00:44:37,763 Darling, who did you think was the most attractive woman there tonight? 564 00:44:40,509 --> 00:44:42,306 You. 565 00:44:43,779 --> 00:44:46,213 - No. I mean it. - So do I. 566 00:44:46,281 --> 00:44:48,272 Okay. After me. 567 00:44:57,192 --> 00:44:59,524 - Janet Brody. - Really? 568 00:45:01,096 --> 00:45:03,621 Then how come you were dancing with Irma Johnson all night? 569 00:45:03,699 --> 00:45:06,634 - Who? - Irma Johnson. 570 00:45:08,170 --> 00:45:12,334 It wasn't all night. And as the host- 571 00:45:12,408 --> 00:45:14,740 I really don't blame you, darling. 572 00:45:14,810 --> 00:45:20,248 She's very attractive, even if a bit obvious. 573 00:45:20,315 --> 00:45:22,374 - Who? - Irma. 574 00:45:26,655 --> 00:45:29,123 Mmm! 575 00:45:29,191 --> 00:45:33,252 - [Piano: Lounge] - And I thought I wiped the floor with Harry Johnson last night. 576 00:45:33,328 --> 00:45:37,059 Didn't you? About the hideaway versus the popular place, I mean. 577 00:45:37,132 --> 00:45:39,066 Yes, yes. I suppose so. 578 00:45:39,134 --> 00:45:42,331 Yeah. Of course, he's still fairly new at it, but- 579 00:45:48,310 --> 00:45:50,278 Is something bothering you, kid? 580 00:45:50,345 --> 00:45:52,336 No, no. It's just- 581 00:45:54,349 --> 00:45:57,113 - I can't do it, Ed. I just couldn't. - Oh. 582 00:45:58,954 --> 00:46:00,888 Every time I think of Ruth- 583 00:46:00,956 --> 00:46:04,187 how sweet she is, how trusting- 584 00:46:04,259 --> 00:46:08,355 I- No. No. Forget it. 585 00:46:08,430 --> 00:46:11,194 - Let's just forget the whole thing. - Sure. Sure. 586 00:46:11,266 --> 00:46:13,860 I mean, you know- I just can't do it. 587 00:46:13,936 --> 00:46:15,995 - I'm sorry, Ed. - Sure, I understand, kid. 588 00:46:16,071 --> 00:46:19,507 Look, if that's the way you feel about it, more power to you. 589 00:46:19,575 --> 00:46:23,033 Um, you'll need it. [Chuckles] 590 00:46:23,111 --> 00:46:26,603 [Women Chattering, Laughing] 591 00:46:26,682 --> 00:46:28,673 Uh, excuse me a moment. 592 00:46:30,285 --> 00:46:33,618 [All Chattering] 593 00:46:33,689 --> 00:46:35,680 Over there. Look. 594 00:46:35,757 --> 00:46:38,248 [Chattering Continues] 595 00:46:44,399 --> 00:46:47,698 - [Whispering, Indistinct] - Yes, I do. 596 00:46:47,769 --> 00:46:50,260 I know. [Chattering] 597 00:46:51,507 --> 00:46:53,498 Oh, that- Oh! 598 00:46:59,414 --> 00:47:01,382 No, uh- [Whistles] 599 00:47:05,787 --> 00:47:08,381 - How do you know where they are? - Where what are? 600 00:47:09,391 --> 00:47:12,383 - The hideaways. - Oh. 601 00:47:13,495 --> 00:47:15,463 You go hunting for them. 602 00:47:15,531 --> 00:47:18,193 When? I'm at work by 9:00 and home at 6:00. 603 00:47:18,267 --> 00:47:20,758 - So? - So, when can I- 604 00:47:22,237 --> 00:47:24,171 Oh. 605 00:47:26,441 --> 00:47:28,375 Oh, yeah. 606 00:47:31,446 --> 00:47:33,380 [Door Closes] 607 00:47:42,958 --> 00:47:46,325 [Up Tempo] 608 00:47:46,395 --> 00:47:48,420 [Continues] 609 00:48:04,846 --> 00:48:08,282 [Sirens Approaching] 610 00:48:39,281 --> 00:48:41,772 [Go-go, Loud] 611 00:48:55,197 --> 00:48:57,256 [Chattering] 612 00:49:00,869 --> 00:49:03,861 [Romantic] 613 00:49:12,247 --> 00:49:15,045 [No Audible Dialogue Within Scene] 614 00:50:18,647 --> 00:50:21,946 [Paul] Not only did I see him, but so did everyone else in the place. 615 00:50:22,017 --> 00:50:24,349 [Ed] Terrible. Just terrible. 616 00:50:24,419 --> 00:50:28,913 A guy like that should be prohibited by law from swinging. 617 00:50:28,990 --> 00:50:31,788 Yeah. Where'd he go wrong, Ed? 618 00:50:31,860 --> 00:50:35,227 Three places. First of all, he should never have been in a place that well lit. 619 00:50:35,297 --> 00:50:38,061 Secondly, he should have been in a corner booth with his back to the room. 620 00:50:38,133 --> 00:50:41,466 And thirdly, he owed it to his wife not to show the white feather. 621 00:50:41,536 --> 00:50:43,902 But, Ed, he knew he was in danger of being seen. 622 00:50:45,307 --> 00:50:47,298 That's when you separate the considerate husbands... 623 00:50:47,375 --> 00:50:49,673 from the inconsiderate ones. 624 00:50:51,179 --> 00:50:53,409 Why? What would a considerate husband have done? 625 00:50:54,483 --> 00:50:56,417 I'll tell you. 626 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:07,760 [Fingers Snapping] 627 00:51:07,829 --> 00:51:10,127 [No Audible Dialogue Within Scene] 628 00:52:26,241 --> 00:52:29,404 [Ed] You see, that way, there's something clean and wholesome about it. 629 00:52:29,477 --> 00:52:34,107 - Yeah. There's something else that's been bothering me, Ed. - Yeah? What? 630 00:52:34,182 --> 00:52:38,448 Well, the way some of you talk so freely, like last night. 631 00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:41,080 Aren't you afraid that someone will, you know? 632 00:52:41,156 --> 00:52:43,090 - No, of course not. - Why? 633 00:52:43,158 --> 00:52:46,355 The code, Paul. The code. 634 00:52:46,428 --> 00:52:49,124 - The what? - The code. 635 00:52:49,197 --> 00:52:52,257 "Thou shalt not snitch on thy fellow man. " 636 00:52:52,334 --> 00:52:56,327 - Oh. Can you depend on it? - Like a suit of armor, kid. 637 00:52:56,404 --> 00:53:00,033 In all my years in the game, I never heard of anyone violating it. 638 00:53:00,108 --> 00:53:02,042 - Really? - Yeah. 639 00:53:02,110 --> 00:53:06,206 - With two exceptions- your wife's worst enemy... - Yeah? 640 00:53:06,281 --> 00:53:08,215 - and her best friend. - Oh. 641 00:53:08,283 --> 00:53:10,649 No. I'm sorry. One more exception. 642 00:53:10,719 --> 00:53:13,210 Your enemy- someone who's out to get you. 643 00:53:13,288 --> 00:53:15,483 I see. Well, what do you do about him? 644 00:53:15,557 --> 00:53:18,651 Well, firstly, of course, you try to keep him from knowing. 645 00:53:18,727 --> 00:53:20,922 - But sometimes you can't. - So? 646 00:53:22,264 --> 00:53:24,926 In that case, you try to get the same thing on him. 647 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:28,800 But what if he doesn't, uh, indulge? 648 00:53:28,870 --> 00:53:30,804 - Misdirection. - Misdirection? 649 00:53:30,872 --> 00:53:35,070 Yeah. Like, for instance, these two guys I knew. 650 00:53:35,143 --> 00:53:37,941 One of them sold the other a house full of termites. 651 00:53:38,013 --> 00:53:40,243 Boy, was the other guy out to get even. 652 00:53:43,485 --> 00:53:45,749 Behold. The gates of paradise. 653 00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:02,001 [Laughing] Move it, baby! Move it! And- 654 00:54:05,941 --> 00:54:08,808 Oh. The termite buyer. Think. Think. 655 00:54:08,877 --> 00:54:12,074 Irving! Good to see ya! 656 00:54:12,147 --> 00:54:14,377 - I'll bet. - Yeah. 657 00:54:14,449 --> 00:54:18,283 Poor kid. She thinks her husband is shacked up in there with some broad. 658 00:54:18,353 --> 00:54:21,481 - Asked me to come along as a witness. - I'll bet. 659 00:54:21,556 --> 00:54:24,684 I figure it's the least I can do for the kid. My secretary. Works for me. 660 00:54:24,759 --> 00:54:27,159 Been with me for years. Is that right, Miss- uh, Mrs. Crenshaw? 661 00:54:27,228 --> 00:54:29,992 Yeah, sure, babe- Uh, Mr., uh- 662 00:54:31,232 --> 00:54:33,063 - I'll bet. - Yeah. 663 00:54:33,134 --> 00:54:36,126 - Well, I figure it's the least I can do for the kid. - I'll bet. 664 00:54:36,204 --> 00:54:40,140 Yeah. I- Irving. 665 00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:42,733 - You're just the fella. - [Coughs] Huh? For what? 666 00:54:42,811 --> 00:54:44,574 Maybe you could help the kid out. 667 00:54:44,646 --> 00:54:47,740 What for? You're doin' pretty good for her. 668 00:54:47,816 --> 00:54:50,046 Oh, for heaven sakes, Irving. 669 00:54:50,118 --> 00:54:53,315 - She's my secretary. Been with me for years. - I'll bet. 670 00:54:53,388 --> 00:54:56,687 Yeah. So, I figure my testimony in court might seem prejudiced. 671 00:54:56,758 --> 00:55:01,491 But coming from you, a perfect stranger, they'd have to believe you. 672 00:55:01,563 --> 00:55:04,930 You mean you want me to break in on 'em with you? 673 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:07,969 Would you, Irv, as a personal favor to me? 674 00:55:09,070 --> 00:55:11,561 - Sure. - Gee, thanks, kid. Come on. 675 00:55:11,639 --> 00:55:13,641 [Muttering] Come on! 676 00:55:14,775 --> 00:55:17,209 Believe me, Irving. I really appreciate this. 677 00:55:22,983 --> 00:55:27,113 - Take a good look so you can make a positive identification later. - Yeah. Yeah. 678 00:55:27,187 --> 00:55:29,121 - Seen enough, Irv? - Yeah. Yeah. 679 00:55:29,189 --> 00:55:31,123 - Let's go! - Just a minute! 680 00:55:31,191 --> 00:55:33,125 You people should be ashamed. 681 00:55:33,193 --> 00:55:35,184 - As you were. - [Together] You said that he didn't- 682 00:55:35,262 --> 00:55:37,355 Shocking. Shocking. Thanks, Irv. 683 00:55:37,431 --> 00:55:39,422 We'll get in touch with you when we need you. 684 00:55:39,500 --> 00:55:42,765 Come, Mrs. Crenshaw. My lawyer's chambers are just around the corner. 685 00:55:46,674 --> 00:55:50,269 So, you see, it's a matter of keeping your wits about you at all times. 686 00:55:50,344 --> 00:55:53,279 Yeah, but what about that poor man and woman? 687 00:55:53,347 --> 00:55:56,839 - Yeah. Really ruined their afternoon. - I'll bet. 688 00:55:56,917 --> 00:55:58,851 Yes, sir, you've got to admit it. 689 00:55:58,919 --> 00:56:02,184 There's a man who proved how much he really cares for his wife. 690 00:56:14,635 --> 00:56:16,796 You never know what you may suddenly need. 691 00:56:41,628 --> 00:56:43,619 [Exhales] 692 00:57:11,825 --> 00:57:14,089 [Paul] Yeah. I see what you mean. 693 00:57:21,268 --> 00:57:23,793 Could use a bit more practice... 694 00:57:23,871 --> 00:57:26,362 but not at all bad. 695 00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:30,774 - Thanks, Ed. - Yeah. Not at all bad. 696 00:57:30,844 --> 00:57:33,176 - As a matter of fact, kid, you know what? - What? 697 00:57:33,247 --> 00:57:35,841 I think you're ready for a trial run. 698 00:57:35,916 --> 00:57:37,907 [Door Closes] 699 00:58:30,637 --> 00:58:32,571 Now, remember, from now on... 700 00:58:32,639 --> 00:58:35,164 - we simulate actual battle conditions. - Roger. 701 00:58:35,242 --> 00:58:37,836 - And it's all your show. - Wilco. 702 00:58:37,911 --> 00:58:41,472 Right. Now, what's your first move? 703 00:58:41,548 --> 00:58:44,540 The hideaway I finally dug up. 704 00:58:44,618 --> 00:58:46,552 [Sniffles] 705 00:58:46,620 --> 00:58:49,111 [Jazzy] 706 00:58:54,628 --> 00:58:57,119 [Continues] 707 00:59:58,225 --> 01:00:00,819 [No Audible Dialogue] 708 01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:15,431 [Continues, Muted] 709 01:00:19,780 --> 01:00:22,305 Onward and upward. [Exhales] 710 01:00:54,147 --> 01:00:56,138 [Door Opens, Closes] 711 01:01:41,995 --> 01:01:43,929 Candy? 712 01:01:49,636 --> 01:01:53,436 [Man On TV]... and adheres to the television Code of Fair Practice. 713 01:01:53,507 --> 01:01:55,998 - We are now signing off the air, and- - [Clicks Off TV] 714 01:02:15,829 --> 01:02:18,320 [Alarm Buzzing] 715 01:02:20,867 --> 01:02:23,859 [Buzzing Stops] 716 01:02:23,937 --> 01:02:27,304 - [Exhales] - Good morning, Ed. What time is it? 717 01:02:27,374 --> 01:02:29,865 - [Coughs] - 8:10. 718 01:02:32,612 --> 01:02:36,446 [Grunts, Coughs] 719 01:04:01,835 --> 01:04:05,293 Nothing? Absolutely nothing? 720 01:04:05,372 --> 01:04:08,705 Not an inkling of suspicion. Not an iota of an inkling. 721 01:04:08,775 --> 01:04:10,868 Not an iota of an iota of an inkling. 722 01:04:10,944 --> 01:04:12,878 - Kid, I think you're ready. - Really? 723 01:04:12,946 --> 01:04:14,675 - Really. - Oh, boy. 724 01:04:14,748 --> 01:04:17,478 Which brings us to the hardest part- the who. 725 01:04:17,551 --> 01:04:19,485 Excuse me. Mr. Manning... 726 01:04:19,553 --> 01:04:22,215 would it be all right if I go out to lunch now? 727 01:04:22,289 --> 01:04:24,689 - Yes, of course. - Thank you. 728 01:04:26,826 --> 01:04:29,317 - Uh, Miss Harris? - Yes? 729 01:04:29,396 --> 01:04:31,990 - Uh, are you married, Miss Harris? - No. 730 01:04:32,065 --> 01:04:34,056 - Would you like to be? - Boy, would I. 731 01:04:34,134 --> 01:04:36,125 Yes. Thank you, Miss Harris. 732 01:04:39,606 --> 01:04:41,540 - There's your answer. - Huh? 733 01:04:41,608 --> 01:04:45,476 Remember, I once told you you could count on the code 100% with certain exceptions? 734 01:04:45,545 --> 01:04:48,378 - Yes. - That's the worst one- the single girl. 735 01:04:48,448 --> 01:04:50,780 - You mean she'd tell? - Like a shot! 736 01:04:50,850 --> 01:04:52,784 Why? What has she got to gain? 737 01:04:52,852 --> 01:04:54,911 The husband of the wife she tells. 738 01:04:54,988 --> 01:04:57,889 Oh, no. No, she would never do a thing like that. 739 01:04:57,958 --> 01:05:01,951 No. Not directly, but one way or another. 740 01:05:02,028 --> 01:05:03,962 Y- You know Clara Brown, don't you? 741 01:05:04,030 --> 01:05:07,522 - The one whose divorce case you're handling? - Yeah. 742 01:05:07,601 --> 01:05:10,866 Anyway, one night she caught her husband. 743 01:05:10,937 --> 01:05:13,337 And so, here I am. 744 01:05:13,406 --> 01:05:15,340 Well, what made you first suspect... 745 01:05:15,408 --> 01:05:18,639 that your husband was having an affair with his secretary? 746 01:05:18,712 --> 01:05:20,839 Well, on this particular day... 747 01:05:20,914 --> 01:05:23,348 my husband told me he was going to be working late... 748 01:05:23,416 --> 01:05:25,350 and for me not to wait up for him. 749 01:05:25,418 --> 01:05:27,750 Of course I didn't think anything special about it. 750 01:05:27,821 --> 01:05:29,948 He worked late quite often. 751 01:05:30,023 --> 01:05:33,186 At about 11:30, I went to bed. 752 01:05:33,260 --> 01:05:36,058 [Ringing] 753 01:05:42,302 --> 01:05:45,965 - Hello. - [Woman] Sorry. Wrong number. 754 01:05:46,039 --> 01:05:48,030 [Line Clicks] 755 01:05:56,316 --> 01:05:58,443 [Clara Narrating] Wrong number, my foot. 756 01:05:58,518 --> 01:06:02,511 Whoever it was obviously wanted me up and awake at that particular moment. 757 01:06:03,790 --> 01:06:06,520 [Lock Rattling] 758 01:06:17,203 --> 01:06:19,364 [Door Opens] 759 01:06:33,453 --> 01:06:36,786 You mean, as soon as you had that wrong-number phone call, you knew? 760 01:06:36,856 --> 01:06:38,790 Yes. 761 01:06:38,858 --> 01:06:42,453 - That was terribly bright of you, wasn't it? - No. Not really. 762 01:06:42,529 --> 01:06:46,363 You see, that's how I got him away from his first wife. 763 01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:49,761 You mean, one should stay away from single girls? 764 01:06:49,836 --> 01:06:52,669 Well, until one is a little more experienced anyway. 765 01:06:52,739 --> 01:06:55,799 As a beginner, one is better off sticking to the first principle. 766 01:06:55,875 --> 01:06:58,867 - First principle? - Yeah. Never have an affair with someone... 767 01:06:58,945 --> 01:07:01,709 who doesn't have as much to lose as you. 768 01:07:04,117 --> 01:07:06,108 [Door Closes] 769 01:07:08,688 --> 01:07:11,919 [Paul] A married woman has as much to lose, doesn't she? 770 01:07:11,991 --> 01:07:13,982 Especially if she has children. 771 01:07:14,060 --> 01:07:17,461 - She has three. - Well, that's a plus in her favor. 772 01:07:17,530 --> 01:07:20,226 - [Woman] Sorry, darling. - Soup's on! 773 01:07:20,300 --> 01:07:23,428 Come and get it! 774 01:07:23,503 --> 01:07:25,767 - [Man] Hey, let's go. - [Ruth] Yea! Come on! 775 01:07:25,839 --> 01:07:29,172 Oh, it's about time. 776 01:07:29,242 --> 01:07:31,938 That's why I dropped that last pass: malnutrition. 777 01:07:32,011 --> 01:07:35,003 - That's right. Women and children last. - Mustard or ketchup, darling? 778 01:07:35,081 --> 01:07:37,811 Don't bother. I'll take care of him. 779 01:07:37,884 --> 01:07:39,818 - [Harry] Good, good. - [Man] Got any onions? 780 01:07:39,886 --> 01:07:43,014 - [Woman] Ooh, give me some. - A penny for your thoughts? 781 01:07:43,089 --> 01:07:45,182 - His or mine? - Yours. 782 01:07:47,694 --> 01:07:50,686 - And a dollar for yours. - [Chuckles] 783 01:07:52,098 --> 01:07:54,760 - You better take another. - [Paul Chuckling] 784 01:07:54,834 --> 01:07:58,065 You never know when you're going to need all your strength. 785 01:07:58,138 --> 01:08:02,131 - [Chuckles] - [Paul, Laughing] Ah. 786 01:08:05,745 --> 01:08:07,736 - There's only one trouble. - Trouble? 787 01:08:07,814 --> 01:08:10,806 - Come here. Double jeopardy. - Double jeopardy? 788 01:08:10,884 --> 01:08:14,183 With a married woman, you not only have to guard against your wife finding out... 789 01:08:14,254 --> 01:08:16,188 but her husband as well. 790 01:08:16,256 --> 01:08:18,747 You see, she's preferable to the single girl, of course... 791 01:08:18,825 --> 01:08:22,989 but your first time out- Well, you know how fond I am of Ruth. 792 01:08:23,062 --> 01:08:25,656 I'd like you to break in the safest possible way. 793 01:08:25,732 --> 01:08:28,200 Yes, I see. 794 01:08:28,268 --> 01:08:30,566 - Oh, honey? - Yes? 795 01:08:30,637 --> 01:08:33,470 - Is there an onion in that? - Uh-huh. 796 01:08:33,540 --> 01:08:35,974 Honey, you know it doesn't agree with you. 797 01:08:37,477 --> 01:08:39,411 Thank you, darling. [Kissing Noise] 798 01:08:39,479 --> 01:08:41,413 [Kissing Noise] 799 01:08:42,816 --> 01:08:44,750 What is the safest possible way? 800 01:08:44,818 --> 01:08:48,413 A divorc�e who's getting more in alimony than you get in salary. 801 01:08:48,488 --> 01:08:51,218 You see, if she marries you, then her alimony stops... 802 01:08:51,291 --> 01:08:53,657 and she has to lower her standard of living. 803 01:08:53,726 --> 01:08:55,660 Then she's really got something to lose. 804 01:08:56,863 --> 01:08:58,854 I see. 805 01:08:58,932 --> 01:09:01,196 But where do you find such a person? 806 01:09:08,641 --> 01:09:10,575 - Good morning. - Good morning. 807 01:09:12,979 --> 01:09:14,970 - Please. - Thank you. 808 01:09:18,551 --> 01:09:22,385 Now then, what can I do for you? 809 01:09:22,454 --> 01:09:24,718 Well, I've just been divorced... 810 01:09:24,790 --> 01:09:28,282 and I get a very large sum of money from my ex-husband every month... 811 01:09:28,360 --> 01:09:31,193 and I was hoping your firm would manage it for me. 812 01:09:36,134 --> 01:09:39,467 We... would be delighted to. 813 01:09:39,538 --> 01:09:42,473 Now, if you would care to give me some details- 814 01:09:42,541 --> 01:09:45,669 Wouldn't it be cozy if we discussed it over lunch? 815 01:09:45,744 --> 01:09:48,736 Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. 816 01:09:48,814 --> 01:09:52,181 - Aren't you clever? [Laughs] - Uh, well... 817 01:09:52,251 --> 01:09:54,185 we aim to please. 818 01:09:54,253 --> 01:09:57,416 - I'm sure you will. - Thank you. Thank you. 819 01:09:57,489 --> 01:09:59,423 Thank you very much. 820 01:09:59,491 --> 01:10:01,755 Charming as well. 821 01:10:01,827 --> 01:10:04,660 I think I'm going to adore being managed by you. 822 01:10:06,031 --> 01:10:08,522 Shall we then, Mrs. Montgomery? 823 01:10:08,600 --> 01:10:11,296 - Jocelyn. - Oh. 824 01:10:11,370 --> 01:10:13,998 May you call me Paul? 825 01:10:14,072 --> 01:10:17,064 I'd love to, Paul. 826 01:10:17,142 --> 01:10:19,133 [Chuckles] 827 01:10:23,382 --> 01:10:25,976 - Ed? Ed. - Paul? 828 01:10:26,051 --> 01:10:27,985 - Ed. - Over here. 829 01:10:28,053 --> 01:10:30,544 I got her, Ed- a divorc�e with a big alimony. 830 01:10:30,622 --> 01:10:33,819 - Really? Bully for you! - How long do I have to wait before I can ask her? 831 01:10:33,892 --> 01:10:35,826 How long? Because if I can do it soon- 832 01:10:35,894 --> 01:10:39,057 Ruth is going away for a few days with the baby to see her mother... 833 01:10:39,131 --> 01:10:41,725 and I can take Jocelyn- That's her name, Jocelyn- 834 01:10:41,800 --> 01:10:43,734 - to the house instead of to a motel. - What? 835 01:10:43,802 --> 01:10:46,794 - To the house instead of to a motel. - Bite your tongue. 836 01:10:46,872 --> 01:10:49,204 - Huh? What? What's the matter? - [Scoffs] 837 01:10:49,274 --> 01:10:52,038 After all I taught you, Paul... 838 01:10:52,110 --> 01:10:54,943 - how can you let me down like that? - Why? What did I- 839 01:10:55,013 --> 01:10:57,345 Oh, no. No, Ed. 840 01:10:57,416 --> 01:11:00,408 She hides in the backseat of the car, under the lap robe. 841 01:11:00,485 --> 01:11:04,148 I drive it into the garage. Then we go into the house through the connecting door. 842 01:11:04,222 --> 01:11:08,283 - Nobody would ever see her. - I don't care if you could dematerialize her... 843 01:11:08,360 --> 01:11:11,625 and then rematerialize her inside the house. 844 01:11:11,697 --> 01:11:13,961 You never use your place. 845 01:11:14,032 --> 01:11:16,967 - But, Ed- - Never, I said! 846 01:11:17,035 --> 01:11:20,368 - I can tell you that Harold wishes he'd listened to me. - Harold? 847 01:11:20,439 --> 01:11:23,237 Yeah. His wife and kid were away too. 848 01:11:23,308 --> 01:11:26,835 So he figured, why not save the price of a motel room? 849 01:11:54,339 --> 01:11:57,137 [Both Laughing] 850 01:12:01,513 --> 01:12:03,447 Whee! 851 01:12:06,818 --> 01:12:08,809 Ah, ha-ha! 852 01:12:09,821 --> 01:12:11,812 Mm. 853 01:12:14,993 --> 01:12:17,325 - What you looking for, sweetie? - My bra. 854 01:12:17,396 --> 01:12:19,387 Ah, ha-ha-ha. 855 01:12:21,633 --> 01:12:24,363 - Can't you find it? - Uh-uh. 856 01:12:24,436 --> 01:12:26,529 Are you sure you were wearing one? 857 01:12:27,939 --> 01:12:31,067 What kind of a girl do you think I am? Of course I was! 858 01:12:31,143 --> 01:12:35,079 [Chuckles] Just a minute. Let's do this scientifically, eh? 859 01:12:35,147 --> 01:12:38,139 - Huh? - Catch hold. Are you there? Huh? 860 01:12:38,216 --> 01:12:40,377 - No bra? Hmm? - Oh! 861 01:12:40,452 --> 01:12:43,182 [Chuckles] No. Not there. 862 01:12:43,255 --> 01:12:46,691 [Both Chuckling] 863 01:12:48,226 --> 01:12:50,626 Ah, yeah. Here, huh? 864 01:12:53,331 --> 01:12:55,265 All right. Here we go. 865 01:12:55,333 --> 01:12:57,267 J- J-J-J-Just a minute. 866 01:12:57,335 --> 01:13:00,930 - Are you sure you were wearing one? - Well, of course! 867 01:13:01,006 --> 01:13:03,839 - Don't you remember, tiger? - [Chuckles] 868 01:13:06,311 --> 01:13:08,245 Ah. [Snaps Fingers] 869 01:13:08,313 --> 01:13:11,180 Perhaps in the heat of battle, eh? 870 01:13:14,720 --> 01:13:17,655 Hmm. I say! 871 01:13:19,725 --> 01:13:22,285 - It's getting light. - Maybe I better go without it. 872 01:13:22,360 --> 01:13:24,885 What? Are you crazy? 873 01:13:24,963 --> 01:13:27,454 It's all right, tiger. I've got another one at home. 874 01:13:27,532 --> 01:13:30,262 That is not what's worrying me. What is worrying me... 875 01:13:30,335 --> 01:13:32,326 is my wife coming home and finding it. 876 01:13:32,404 --> 01:13:34,395 She'll just think it's hers. 877 01:13:35,974 --> 01:13:38,534 Don't be ridiculous. 878 01:13:38,610 --> 01:13:40,976 Excuse me. 879 01:13:41,046 --> 01:13:43,480 [Grunting] 880 01:13:45,050 --> 01:13:46,779 [Grunting Continues] 881 01:13:55,560 --> 01:13:59,223 - We weren't anywhere near it, tiger. - I know we weren't. 882 01:13:59,297 --> 01:14:01,629 And stop calling me tiger! 883 01:14:08,540 --> 01:14:10,667 [Panting] 884 01:14:10,742 --> 01:14:12,733 And he never did find it... 885 01:14:12,811 --> 01:14:15,712 but he knows it's in there somewhere... 886 01:14:15,781 --> 01:14:19,376 and it's only a matter of time till his wife comes across it. 887 01:14:19,451 --> 01:14:21,783 Boy, that must be murder on the nerves! 888 01:14:21,853 --> 01:14:25,016 Murder? [Chuckles] Harold. 889 01:14:25,090 --> 01:14:28,150 Harold.! 890 01:14:28,226 --> 01:14:31,320 - Yeah? - I want you to meet a friend of mine. 891 01:14:42,274 --> 01:14:44,208 Paul, this is Harold. 892 01:14:44,276 --> 01:14:46,210 - Harold. - Yeah? 893 01:14:46,278 --> 01:14:48,838 This is Paul. 894 01:14:48,914 --> 01:14:53,044 - Glad to meet you, Harold. - Yeah. Yeah. 895 01:14:58,824 --> 01:15:02,282 - [Sighs] - How long ago did all this happen? 896 01:15:02,360 --> 01:15:04,294 About three weeks ago. Why? 897 01:15:04,362 --> 01:15:08,025 I had the impression he was a much younger man. You know, "tiger" and everything. 898 01:15:08,099 --> 01:15:11,830 - How old would you say he is? - I don't know. Seventy? Seventy-two? 899 01:15:11,903 --> 01:15:14,565 - Thirty-nine. - No kidding! 900 01:15:16,308 --> 01:15:18,640 Still think you want to take her to your place? 901 01:15:18,710 --> 01:15:20,701 No, no. No. Thanks, Ed. 902 01:15:20,779 --> 01:15:23,771 Boy, I don't know- I don't know what I'd do without you. 903 01:15:23,849 --> 01:15:27,250 [Sputters] Well, you know how I feel about Ruth. 904 01:15:27,319 --> 01:15:29,844 Yes, I'm sure she'd appreciate it too. 905 01:15:31,022 --> 01:15:33,855 [No Audible Dialogue Within Montage] 906 01:16:11,263 --> 01:16:13,254 Tonight's the night, eh, kid? 907 01:16:13,331 --> 01:16:15,322 Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, it is. 908 01:16:15,400 --> 01:16:17,561 - Relax. You're gonna be fine. - Yes. 909 01:16:17,636 --> 01:16:19,900 - Uh, just a couple of points. - Yes? 910 01:16:19,971 --> 01:16:23,634 - There's gonna come a time when you want out. - Yes, I will. I will. 911 01:16:23,708 --> 01:16:26,871 - You know, that's a very tricky moment. Very tricky. - Yes. 912 01:16:26,945 --> 01:16:29,539 You see, if you break it off, she gets sore- 913 01:16:29,614 --> 01:16:33,209 - the "woman scorned" bit, than which hell hath no greater fury. - Yes. 914 01:16:33,285 --> 01:16:36,846 You've got to work it so that the idea to break it off is hers... 915 01:16:36,922 --> 01:16:38,856 she thinks. 916 01:16:40,292 --> 01:16:42,283 [Lock Clicks] 917 01:16:42,360 --> 01:16:44,351 Is that you, sweet lips? 918 01:16:48,199 --> 01:16:50,690 - Yes. - Oh.! 919 01:16:50,769 --> 01:16:53,067 Mmm! Oh! Ooh! 920 01:16:53,138 --> 01:16:55,265 Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. 921 01:16:55,340 --> 01:16:57,331 Uh, honey. Honey, wait a minute. 922 01:16:57,409 --> 01:17:02,244 Honey, would you mind taking it just a little bit easier, baby? 923 01:17:02,314 --> 01:17:06,148 Sweet lips is tired after his hard day's work, isn't he? 924 01:17:06,217 --> 01:17:10,176 - No, no. It's not that. It's just that, uh- - Just what, sweet lips? 925 01:17:10,255 --> 01:17:14,021 Well, I- I saw my accountant today, and he said- 926 01:17:14,092 --> 01:17:18,586 Oh, but why should I bother your pretty little head with a thing like that? 927 01:17:22,200 --> 01:17:25,761 Oh, honey? What do you think we could get for this... 928 01:17:25,837 --> 01:17:28,431 from a secondhand shop? 929 01:17:28,506 --> 01:17:30,906 I don't know. Two or three dollars maybe? 930 01:17:30,976 --> 01:17:32,967 Really? 931 01:17:33,044 --> 01:17:35,706 Sweet lips, is anything the matter? 932 01:17:35,780 --> 01:17:38,772 No. Look, it- Please, don't give it a second thought. 933 01:17:38,850 --> 01:17:41,011 Nothing-Just because my accountant said... 934 01:17:41,086 --> 01:17:44,578 that the tax department made a big fuss about the- 935 01:17:45,857 --> 01:17:49,224 Hey, this- this ought to bring a nice few dollars. 936 01:17:49,294 --> 01:17:52,127 Ollie! That's my graduation present! 937 01:17:52,197 --> 01:17:54,529 - Well, honey, we won't need it anymore. - We won't? 938 01:17:54,599 --> 01:17:57,067 No. You see, the bed won't fit into the new apartment. 939 01:17:57,135 --> 01:18:01,071 - New apartment? - Yes. It's smaller than this one, of course... 940 01:18:01,139 --> 01:18:03,869 but I think we can fit in a couple of army cots. 941 01:18:03,942 --> 01:18:07,105 You'll love the view from the eighth floor... 942 01:18:07,178 --> 01:18:09,612 and the exercise'll do you a lot of good. 943 01:18:09,681 --> 01:18:11,376 Exercise? 944 01:18:11,449 --> 01:18:15,215 You see, this apartment was built before they invented elevators. 945 01:18:16,287 --> 01:18:19,415 Ollie, are you in trouble about money? 946 01:18:19,491 --> 01:18:22,619 Oh, only temporarily. But don't worry, honey. 947 01:18:22,694 --> 01:18:24,821 - It won't really make any difference. - It won't? 948 01:18:24,896 --> 01:18:27,456 No, because we'll still have each other. 949 01:18:27,532 --> 01:18:29,932 - Oh, Ollie! - Oh, that's all right. 950 01:18:30,001 --> 01:18:32,162 I'll get you one of my wife's coats. 951 01:18:32,237 --> 01:18:35,570 She was gonna give it to the Salvation Army anyway. 952 01:18:35,640 --> 01:18:38,700 And then you'd be too self-conscious... 953 01:18:38,777 --> 01:18:41,746 to- to wear one of these coats to work. 954 01:18:41,813 --> 01:18:45,078 - Work? - Yes. I got you this job. 955 01:18:47,752 --> 01:18:51,449 - Ollie, I've been thinking. - Yes, honey? 956 01:18:51,523 --> 01:18:54,515 Well, you're going to have to give all your attention now... 957 01:18:54,592 --> 01:18:56,526 to getting back on your feet, aren't you? 958 01:18:56,594 --> 01:19:01,429 Oh, honey, only for- for three or four years. 959 01:19:01,499 --> 01:19:03,797 So, don't you think it might be better... 960 01:19:03,868 --> 01:19:06,359 if we didn't see each other for a while? 961 01:19:06,438 --> 01:19:08,770 Oh, that would be terrible! 962 01:19:17,749 --> 01:19:19,580 Yeah, I see. 963 01:19:19,651 --> 01:19:21,585 - Now just one final word. - Yeah? 964 01:19:21,653 --> 01:19:24,281 - If Ruth should hear something or should get suspicious- - Huh? 965 01:19:24,355 --> 01:19:27,017 It won't happen. I promise you. But just in case- 966 01:19:27,092 --> 01:19:29,185 - Yeah? - deny, deny, deny. 967 01:19:29,260 --> 01:19:31,592 No matter what she knows or thinks she knows, deny it. 968 01:19:31,663 --> 01:19:33,528 - What if she knows? - You deny it. 969 01:19:33,598 --> 01:19:35,190 - What if she- - Deny. 970 01:19:35,266 --> 01:19:37,200 - What if- - Deny. Deny. 971 01:19:39,137 --> 01:19:41,128 [Screams] 972 01:19:43,374 --> 01:19:46,673 - Charlie! - What? 973 01:19:46,744 --> 01:19:48,735 What are you doing? 974 01:19:48,813 --> 01:19:51,475 - Where? - There! With her! 975 01:19:51,549 --> 01:19:55,212 - Who? - Her! How could you? 976 01:19:55,286 --> 01:19:59,017 - What? - That! 977 01:19:59,090 --> 01:20:02,582 - When? - When I came in, you and she were- 978 01:20:02,660 --> 01:20:05,527 - Who? - You know very well who. 979 01:20:05,597 --> 01:20:07,792 That-That woman there. 980 01:20:07,866 --> 01:20:10,357 - Where? - Charlie! 981 01:20:10,435 --> 01:20:13,768 - What? - You and that woman! 982 01:20:13,838 --> 01:20:15,829 What woman? 983 01:20:17,342 --> 01:20:20,004 Th-The-Th-The one who just left. 984 01:20:20,078 --> 01:20:22,069 When? 985 01:20:29,521 --> 01:20:32,115 - But, Charlie! - What? 986 01:20:32,190 --> 01:20:34,454 Aren't you even ashamed of yourself? 987 01:20:34,526 --> 01:20:36,460 Why? 988 01:20:36,528 --> 01:20:38,519 Because of- 989 01:20:55,046 --> 01:20:57,310 - Charlie? - What? 990 01:20:58,583 --> 01:21:01,416 What would you like for dinner? 991 01:21:03,121 --> 01:21:06,284 Perhaps the definitive application of the tactic- 992 01:21:06,357 --> 01:21:08,291 a classic of its kind. 993 01:21:08,359 --> 01:21:11,351 Now, there's a man you've got to take your hat off to. 994 01:21:14,532 --> 01:21:18,434 Relax! Paul, relax. You-You're going to be fine. 995 01:21:18,503 --> 01:21:21,495 Hey! You had the best teacher in the world, didn't you? 996 01:21:21,573 --> 01:21:24,565 Yes. Yes, I did, didn't I? I- I did. I- 997 01:21:24,642 --> 01:21:28,476 Hey, kumquats. Ruth is crazy about these. 998 01:22:49,127 --> 01:22:51,618 [Jazzy] 999 01:24:33,497 --> 01:24:35,488 Candy? 1000 01:25:11,702 --> 01:25:14,364 Now, about your portfolio... 1001 01:25:14,438 --> 01:25:17,771 I see substantial benefit... 1002 01:25:17,841 --> 01:25:22,835 in tax-free municipal bonds... 1003 01:25:29,887 --> 01:25:31,878 which are tax-free. 1004 01:25:36,393 --> 01:25:39,055 I think you ought to know I'm married. 1005 01:25:39,129 --> 01:25:41,859 - Congratulations. - Oh, thank you. 1006 01:25:41,932 --> 01:25:45,595 I, uh-Wouldn't- Wouldn't you rather be? 1007 01:25:47,771 --> 01:25:49,830 Not at the moment. 1008 01:25:49,907 --> 01:25:52,637 Oh, no, no. No, I- I mean- 1009 01:25:52,710 --> 01:25:56,202 W- Wouldn't it be nice to have a husband? Husband? 1010 01:25:56,280 --> 01:25:58,271 I do. 1011 01:25:58,349 --> 01:26:02,217 - Oh. Oh, in that case, I- - You. 1012 01:26:02,286 --> 01:26:04,277 No, no, no. That's not what I- 1013 01:26:04,355 --> 01:26:08,621 I- I- I-I meant one of your own, someone you can count on. 1014 01:26:08,692 --> 01:26:11,252 I am counting on you, honey. 1015 01:26:12,596 --> 01:26:14,928 No. No, I mean- 1016 01:26:14,999 --> 01:26:18,867 I mean, someone you belong to... 1017 01:26:18,936 --> 01:26:22,064 someone who cares about you... 1018 01:26:22,139 --> 01:26:26,166 someone you're crazy about and who you'd hate yourself if you hurt her... 1019 01:26:26,243 --> 01:26:30,202 and all you want to do is be with her always, only... 1020 01:26:30,280 --> 01:26:32,771 and- Here. 1021 01:26:32,850 --> 01:26:35,842 Here. Here- Here's a picture of her. 1022 01:26:35,919 --> 01:26:39,082 Isn't she wonderful? And-And that's my little daughter. 1023 01:26:39,156 --> 01:26:41,647 - [Pounding] - [Man] Open up in there.! 1024 01:26:41,725 --> 01:26:44,216 Come on.! We know you're in there.! Open up.! 1025 01:26:44,294 --> 01:26:46,228 [Shouting Continues, Indistinct] 1026 01:26:46,296 --> 01:26:48,560 - [Man - [Woman] It's a private room.! 1027 01:26:51,301 --> 01:26:54,759 - [Ed] I'm gonna break that camera over your head.! - [Screams] 1028 01:26:54,838 --> 01:26:57,329 [Shouting Continues, Indistinct] 1029 01:27:22,599 --> 01:27:24,590 [Tires Squealing] 1030 01:29:18,382 --> 01:29:20,714 [No Audible Dialogue Within Scene] 1031 01:29:46,076 --> 01:29:48,909 [Choir Singing] 1032 01:30:11,168 --> 01:30:14,035 [Singing Ends] 1033 01:30:26,183 --> 01:30:28,674 Each and every device we know 1034 01:30:28,752 --> 01:30:32,552 Should be tried by the married man 1035 01:30:32,623 --> 01:30:35,615 And who can question the debt he'll owe 1036 01:30:35,692 --> 01:30:38,889 To the guide for the married man 1037 01:30:38,962 --> 01:30:42,864 It will list things universal 1038 01:30:42,933 --> 01:30:46,596 From Pittsburgh to Japan 1039 01:30:46,670 --> 01:30:49,605 And every man can be satisfied 1040 01:30:49,673 --> 01:30:52,267 By the guide 1041 01:30:52,342 --> 01:30:58,303 For the married man