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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1
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www.tvsubtitles.net

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Initiating landing procedure.
Everyone on standby.

3
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Cabin crew, prepare for landing.

4
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Security checks commencing.
All personnel in position. Everyone
returned from the rest room? Check.

5
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All little tables folded away?
ALL: Check.

6
00:00:46,792 --> 00:00:49,012
Seat belts on? 
ALL: Check!

7
00:00:49,012 --> 00:00:52,872
Winkers to shut down. Landing
gear down. -Requesting landing line.

8
00:00:52,872 --> 00:00:58,192
Suggest left-hand traffic pattern,
sir, towards that landing light
edifice at the end of the street.

9
00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:00,432
Applying brakes now.

10
00:01:00,432 --> 00:01:03,572
Velocity decreasing.
Revs 2,000 and dwindling.

11
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Pavement in sight.
Landing lights locked.

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Standby, we're attempting to stop.
Good luck, everybody.

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Handbrake engaging.

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Ignition off.

15
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Wow, we made a good landing!

16
00:01:16,972 --> 00:01:20,412
Well done, everyone.
OK, doors to manual. Check.

17
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Disembark in your own time,
gentlemen.

18
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What sort of godforsaken place
is this?

19
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This is worse than Rimmer World.

20
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Get out of town, this is brilliant!
This is just like where I grew up,
except there's less burning cars.

21
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I'll find out where Mr Charles is
from that information droid.

22
00:01:45,632 --> 00:01:48,412
Salutations, fellow droid, sir.

23
00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,972
I'm looking for the actor
Craig Charles. Can you direct?

24
00:01:51,972 --> 00:01:54,672
Perhaps it's overheated.
Are you usually that red?

25
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I'm going to place this instrument

26
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into your voice unit
and I want you to say "aah".

27
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Hi, it's me. Where are you?
CRAIG CHARLES: 'In the Rovers, kid.Why?' 
-See you in a minute.

28
00:02:05,612 --> 00:02:08,592
Seems to be some sort
of malfunction, sirs.

29
00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,592
Good grief!

30
00:02:17,592 --> 00:02:23,192
Vandals have stolen the droid's
entire hard drive and stuffed
envelopes through its voice unit.

31
00:02:23,192 --> 00:02:24,972
What kind of place is this?

32
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Let's ask in the shop.
Let me do the talking, sir.

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I've been studying the dialect.

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I'll wait outside, guard Carbug.

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Earth, man.
INHALES DEEPLY

36
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Smell those chip butties.

37
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Hiya, chuck, pal, love, sir.
We're looking...

38
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I mean, lewk-ing
for granny-grabbing, philandering
taxi driver Lloyd Mullaney,

39
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as played by Craig Charles.

40
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Um...I think he's in the Rovers,
learning his lines.

41
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Is this some sort of joke?

42
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The Rovers?
Well, I'll stand at the bottom
of our stairs and eat a barn cake.

43
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We were just past that,
weren't we, lads?

44
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MANCUNIAN ACCENT: Aye, we were,
weren't we? What a load of numpties.

45
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Get your keks on, lads,
we're sorted. Quality. Mint.

46
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Ta very much, chuck, pal, love, sir.

47
00:03:21,912 --> 00:03:23,852
See ya. Ta-ra, pet.

48
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Good job, chaps. We were
so authentic it was frightening.

49
00:03:34,212 --> 00:03:37,932
Oi! You'll never guess who I've just
seen. All your mates from Red Dwarf.

50
00:03:37,932 --> 00:03:40,312
They're outside. Serious?

51
00:03:40,312 --> 00:03:43,952
Yeah. They've just landed
in a little spaceship.

52
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It was green. Um...
What's it called?

53
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Listen, mate, don't mess about. I've
got loads of lines to learn. I've go
a massive scene this afternoon.

54
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But I'm serious. I know what I saw.

55
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Even you were there. I was there?

56
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How many have you had?

57
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Well, I've had a couple,
but listen, I've just seen you.

58
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So high, ugly...
It was definitely you.

59
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Hi, guys. What are you doing here?
Ah, Mr Charles, sir.

60
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My name is Kryten.

61
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I am a fictitious character from
the television series Red Dwarf
and we really need your help.

62
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Told you.

63
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You're the only one that can help us,
man.

64
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I've heard about these.

65
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They're called flashbacks.
Flashbacks...

66
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I know you don't exist.
OK, no need to rub it in!

67
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:42,992
Just give us the address of whoever
created us and we'll jump into
Starbug and be out of here.

68
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Starbug?!

69
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I just told you.
They landed outside the Kabin.

70
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That is OK? We're not going to get
a ticket, are we?

71
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You're not all here.
I know you're not all here.

72
00:04:52,872 --> 00:04:56,232
Er, he's not all here,
but the rest of us are. Yeah.

73
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You see, sir,
we're from an alternate dimension

74
00:04:58,852 --> 00:05:01,932
and we need answers, like,
"How many episodes do we have left?"

75
00:05:01,932 --> 00:05:05,592
Um, I know how many episodes
you've got left.

76
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How many? Er, one.

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It's called Back To Earth -
Part Three.

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Script due in a couple of days.
RUSTLING

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All we need from you
is an address, bud.

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We've got to speak to our creator.

81
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And I've got to get
back to the Priory.

82
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I am so glad I'm not him.
The guy's a wreck. He pretends
to be somebody else all day.

83
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That's no way to make a living.
Smeghead.

84
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Visitors, sir.

85
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I'm surprised
you didn't find me sooner.

86
00:07:10,256 --> 00:07:13,676
It's not an easy thing
to find your creator.

87
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And how can he assist you?

88
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We want more life...

89
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smegger!

90
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A series cancellation sequence can't
be revised once it's established.

91
00:07:24,836 --> 00:07:26,476
What about all the loose ends?

92
00:07:26,476 --> 00:07:29,996
Me and Kochanski? 
Getting back home?

93
00:07:31,356 --> 00:07:33,076
I grew weary of you.

94
00:07:34,816 --> 00:07:38,176
Does this mean
this is our last episode, sir?

95
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The light that burns twice as bright
burns half as long.

96
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Yeah, but the light that burns half
as bright burns four times as long.

97
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But the light that burns
three-quarters as bright

98
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burns five-eighths as long
as the light that burns a quarter as
bright as the light that's gone out.

99
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(I'd have needed
a calculator for that.)

100
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The point is, gentlemen, you have
all burned so very, very brightly

101
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and for so very, very long.

102
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Just like the red dwarf star itself,

103
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nothing lasts forever.

104
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Not even...

105
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banks.

106
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What about a Kryten spin-off series?
I could be his sidekick. Or a sitcom!

107
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I'd even do a sitcom. Anything...
Anything to stay alive.
What about a show about cats?

108
00:08:23,476 --> 00:08:29,756
That would never work. Look, what you
need is me and Kryten thrown back in
time, like a new kind of Robin Hood.

109
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Each week, he gets captured
and is about to be burnt
at the stake for witchcraft

110
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or just having a stupid head,
and each week I -
in a different new,

111
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brave new way -
rescue him...bravely.

112
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All right, it sucks. Fair enough.

113
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Your deaths will be magnificent.

114
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Sad and beautiful.

115
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The shooting script.

116
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Let me describe it for you.

117
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You try to escape your destiny
and run.

118
00:09:02,916 --> 00:09:04,456
I give chase.

119
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Move out of my way!

120
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Move!

121
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Move! Move! Out of my way!

122
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Sad and beautiful.

123
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Blade Runner is the film
which inspired both your creation
and your death. Gentlemen...

124
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:40,656
..time to die.

125
00:10:49,836 --> 00:10:52,176
Come here! You'd kill me?!

126
00:10:52,176 --> 00:10:55,576
You're damn right we would. You know
how much you've made me suffer?

127
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The life you created for me,
all those cheap laughs.

128
00:10:58,336 --> 00:11:00,916
All that stuff about
Rachel the inflatable doll.

129
00:11:00,916 --> 00:11:04,676
All the jokes
about my puncture repair kit.
Actually, that bit was funny.

130
00:11:04,676 --> 00:11:07,096
Sorry, carry on.

131
00:11:07,096 --> 00:11:09,576
Did you ever think how I felt?
Start writing.

132
00:11:09,576 --> 00:11:13,676
I save the day. I get a girlfriend
who's gorgeous and crazy about me.

133
00:11:13,676 --> 00:11:17,696
And before you even think of it,
after we've bonked
each other senseless,

134
00:11:17,696 --> 00:11:21,856
she doesn't turn out
to be my long-lost sister. Damn.

135
00:11:21,856 --> 00:11:23,996
How did you know
I was thinking that?

136
00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:25,616
Because I know how you think.

137
00:11:25,616 --> 00:11:28,436
Now write me a happy ending
or we'll take you with us.

138
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:45,236
You can never win.

139
00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:47,976
Accept it and die well.

140
00:11:56,736 --> 00:12:00,056
If you kill me, you moron,
you'll cease to exist.

141
00:12:00,056 --> 00:12:04,236
Haven't you been following
any of this? Aargh!

142
00:12:04,236 --> 00:12:06,296
I've been dead for ages, man -

143
00:12:06,296 --> 00:12:09,456
just sitting around,
getting old and fat.

144
00:12:09,456 --> 00:12:12,276
I never thought I had
responsibility to anyone.

145
00:12:12,276 --> 00:12:17,356
I never thought there was anyone
out there who was on my side,
who wanted things to work out.

146
00:12:17,356 --> 00:12:20,056
We've got a fan club.

147
00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,456
They've even named
a TV station after me.

148
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I was never alone,
I just didn't realise it.

149
00:12:25,316 --> 00:12:28,156
Now I want more life, smegger!

150
00:12:32,176 --> 00:12:33,876
I've killed him.

151
00:12:33,876 --> 00:12:36,676
Well, we shouldn't exist.

152
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All I wanted was a sitcom.

153
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THUD!

154
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,336
A sitcom in a biscuit factory -
is that really too much to ask?

155
00:12:43,336 --> 00:12:47,376
I killed him. How can I kill him?
That's not me. I don't kill people.

156
00:12:47,376 --> 00:12:49,896
You killed him
because he made you kill him, sir.

157
00:12:49,896 --> 00:12:54,056
Kryten, Page 19. "You killed him,
sir, because he made you kill him."

158
00:12:54,056 --> 00:12:57,736
It's all in here. He lied to us
about our deaths on the street.

159
00:12:57,736 --> 00:13:02,376
That was just to throw us off. He
killed us by getting us to kill him

160
00:13:02,376 --> 00:13:06,456
and now we're gonna die too because
there's no-one to keep us alive.

161
00:13:06,456 --> 00:13:10,796
He's right. In fact,
I don't think I feel too well.

162
00:13:10,796 --> 00:13:12,736
Me either. I think I'm gonna...

163
00:13:12,736 --> 00:13:14,896
Check the end, see what happens!
Oh, yeah.

164
00:13:31,156 --> 00:13:33,256
We can write our own end!

165
00:13:34,476 --> 00:13:37,236
Of course! What's written happens.

166
00:13:37,236 --> 00:13:40,056
We're free now.

167
00:13:52,656 --> 00:13:55,436
Hey, man, I feel like a god!

168
00:13:55,436 --> 00:14:01,016
I feel like I've got liquid gold
coursing through every vein in my
body. Hey, we can get out of this.

169
00:14:01,016 --> 00:14:03,596
As long as we've got this,
we control the world.

170
00:14:03,596 --> 00:14:05,496
We can do whatever we want.

171
00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:08,416
I could command my own ship.
I could get Kochanski back.

172
00:14:11,096 --> 00:14:13,696
I could get some new sponges.
How come I didn't get a line?

173
00:14:13,696 --> 00:14:16,996
I just gave you one there.
I knew you'd be smegged off.

174
00:14:16,996 --> 00:14:19,216
I control everything.

175
00:14:19,216 --> 00:14:22,116
So the rest of our loaves can be one
giant hedonistic wash filfulment.

176
00:14:22,116 --> 00:14:24,636
Typos, sorry, guys.

177
00:14:24,636 --> 00:14:30,776
You really think you can write your
wee out of this? Hey, witch me, baby
just witch me. He controls the world.

178
00:14:30,776 --> 00:14:34,956
He can do anything he wants.
I could, if I wanted to, do this.

179
00:14:38,516 --> 00:14:40,976
Lister, stop! That's an order!

180
00:14:44,356 --> 00:14:46,596
Aargh! This is brilliant!

181
00:14:46,596 --> 00:14:48,736
What's he doing?

182
00:14:48,736 --> 00:14:51,956
You've git to hop me stoop him, sir.
Hop me stoop him.

183
00:15:08,876 --> 00:15:10,916
Ow!

184
00:15:13,416 --> 00:15:17,336
This is absolutely awesome.
All right, next step.

185
00:15:17,336 --> 00:15:20,856
Happy ending. Back off, sir.
There's no way we can get to him.

186
00:15:20,856 --> 00:15:23,536
Whoa, whoa! I didn't type that.
Or that.

187
00:15:23,536 --> 00:15:26,116
Hey, I'm not typing this, guys.
What's happened?

188
00:15:26,116 --> 00:15:30,516
Maybe it's not the typewriter
that's controlling our world.
Maybe it's something else.

189
00:15:30,516 --> 00:15:33,436
What is it with these damn things?

190
00:15:33,436 --> 00:15:36,636
Why do I keep making them? Useless.

191
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,616
What actually is it, sir?

192
00:15:38,616 --> 00:15:41,816
There's something inside. Blow.

193
00:15:49,756 --> 00:15:51,496
It looks like a squid.

194
00:15:53,076 --> 00:15:54,996
Why would I be making squids?

195
00:15:54,996 --> 00:16:00,096
That something else that
controls the world, how about
it's our combined subconscious?

196
00:16:00,096 --> 00:16:03,516
Like the time we were ambushed
by the Despair Squid?

197
00:16:03,516 --> 00:16:05,736
On that ocean planet.

198
00:16:05,736 --> 00:16:07,916
That thing that attacked us
years ago.

199
00:16:07,916 --> 00:16:10,016
Whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute.

200
00:16:10,016 --> 00:16:14,416
Are you saying the creature in the
water tank, the one that inked us,
was another Despair Squid?

201
00:16:14,416 --> 00:16:19,776
Cos I don't feel despair.
I feel...elation, joy.

202
00:16:19,776 --> 00:16:23,196
I've felt great since I got here.
In here, I'm somebody.

203
00:16:23,196 --> 00:16:24,916
It's made me want to live again.

204
00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:27,656
Ssh, footsteps! Do you hear them?

205
00:16:27,656 --> 00:16:30,676
Kochanski!

206
00:16:30,676 --> 00:16:34,196
I can smell her perfume!

207
00:16:35,636 --> 00:16:37,596
I can get her back again -

208
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:40,136
kids, everything I've ever wanted.

209
00:16:40,136 --> 00:16:42,396
But in the real world, sir,
you'll be dying.

210
00:16:42,396 --> 00:16:44,236
This isn't real. It'll feel real.

211
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:46,636
Not in your heart.

212
00:16:46,636 --> 00:16:49,176
I've got no option, Krytie.

213
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:52,616
This is the only chance I've got
of getting her back again.

214
00:16:59,036 --> 00:17:02,396
Miss Kochanski's not dead, sir.

215
00:17:06,236 --> 00:17:07,976
Those kids were right?!

216
00:17:07,976 --> 00:17:11,636
I-I-I lied to you, sir.
She dumped you.

217
00:17:11,636 --> 00:17:13,236
I was trying to protect you.

218
00:17:13,236 --> 00:17:15,356
She's out there somewhere.

219
00:17:15,356 --> 00:17:20,376
She's in here somewhere as well.
In fact she's right behind that door.
In this world, she loves me.

220
00:17:20,376 --> 00:17:24,196
In fact, in this world, she's gonna
love me until the moment I die.

221
00:17:24,196 --> 00:17:27,196
She's not real. Nobody's perfect.

222
00:17:28,316 --> 00:17:31,156
Look, I'm becoming transparent.

223
00:17:31,156 --> 00:17:33,236
I'm returning to reality.

224
00:17:33,236 --> 00:17:36,236
Me too. Sir!

225
00:17:36,236 --> 00:17:37,896
I've got to stay.

226
00:17:56,396 --> 00:17:58,956
What the hell happened there?

227
00:17:58,956 --> 00:18:01,496
I need diagrams and pointy arrows.

228
00:18:01,496 --> 00:18:04,716
Best guess,
our natural defences fought back.

229
00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:09,416
Our previous encounter
with the creature must have
strengthened our antibodies.

230
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:12,296
Which gave us the option
to choose between realities.

231
00:18:12,296 --> 00:18:15,836
This one or the one that started
when Kremlin Kate showed up.

232
00:18:18,776 --> 00:18:22,676
What if monkey boy
chooses not to fight this?

233
00:18:22,676 --> 00:18:24,716
Then he won't be coming out.

234
00:18:24,716 --> 00:18:27,296
'I've gotta stay.'

235
00:18:42,016 --> 00:18:45,496
It seems you're undecided about
which reality you wish to live in.

236
00:18:45,496 --> 00:18:48,116
I'm mulling it over.

237
00:18:49,736 --> 00:18:52,116
Would you mind if
I asked you a question?

238
00:18:53,196 --> 00:18:54,916
Shoot.

239
00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:59,196
In your dreams, did you kiss me?

240
00:19:04,956 --> 00:19:06,616
Was it good?

241
00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:09,856
I never wanted to wake up.

242
00:19:13,276 --> 00:19:15,216
Then don't.

243
00:19:57,956 --> 00:20:00,716
Where are you going?

244
00:20:00,716 --> 00:20:03,476
I have to leave and get you back.

245
00:20:03,476 --> 00:20:06,516
The real me?

246
00:20:06,516 --> 00:20:10,036
You'll never get me.
I'm way out of your league!

247
00:20:10,036 --> 00:20:13,356
I thought that, too, but I was wrong.

248
00:20:13,356 --> 00:20:15,996
You were right.

249
00:20:15,996 --> 00:20:18,756
Nah, I'm pretty cool.

250
00:20:18,756 --> 00:20:20,816
I don't take any smeg.

251
00:20:20,816 --> 00:20:25,096
And even though I'm disgusting,
sometimes I can be quite brave.

252
00:20:26,676 --> 00:20:29,796
You'll never get me. Yeah...

253
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:32,296
I will.

254
00:20:59,756 --> 00:21:05,816
I mean, explain this -
how can me getting everything I've
ever wanted be caused by despair ink?

255
00:21:05,816 --> 00:21:08,816
Analysis of the creature, sir,
suggests it's a female.

256
00:21:08,816 --> 00:21:11,656
Male squid, female squid -
what's the difference?

257
00:21:11,656 --> 00:21:15,916
Females can do ten squidy things
at once, but not so good
at reversing round rocks?

258
00:21:15,916 --> 00:21:19,276
The male defence system
is an ink that produces despair.

259
00:21:19,276 --> 00:21:22,196
It seems that the female ink
causes the opposite.

260
00:21:22,196 --> 00:21:26,696
What? It gives you joy?
That's like attacking something
that retaliates by giving you

261
00:21:26,696 --> 00:21:30,496
an Indian head massage or an
aromatherapy luxury nail treatment.

262
00:21:30,496 --> 00:21:32,956
What kind of crazy
defence mechanism is that?

263
00:21:32,956 --> 00:21:37,176
It's an ingenious one, sir,
because it means
you stop attacking it. Yeah.

264
00:21:37,176 --> 00:21:40,356
And while you're all happy-clappy,
she scarpers, right?

265
00:21:40,356 --> 00:21:41,816
Precisely, sir.

266
00:21:44,156 --> 00:21:46,356
How did she get on board?

267
00:21:49,436 --> 00:21:51,176
I kinda brought her.

268
00:21:53,196 --> 00:21:56,116
Years ago, from that ocean planet.

269
00:21:56,116 --> 00:21:58,516
♪ I'm gonna eat you, little fishy

270
00:21:58,516 --> 00:22:00,636
♪ Cos I like little fish. ♪

271
00:22:02,716 --> 00:22:04,536
Then she escaped.

272
00:22:04,536 --> 00:22:07,456
I knew you guys would get mad
so I didn't say nothing.

273
00:22:09,476 --> 00:22:12,116
Boy, has she grown.

274
00:22:12,116 --> 00:22:14,756
So what's gonna happen to her?

275
00:22:14,756 --> 00:22:16,916
I'm thinking sushi-time.

276
00:22:16,916 --> 00:22:21,076
I'm thinking we drop her off
at the nearest ocean moon -
make some happy sea life.

277
00:22:24,056 --> 00:22:27,296
What's gonna happen to
everybody in the reality we left -

278
00:22:27,296 --> 00:22:29,796
the guys all watching us on TV?
They'll continue

279
00:22:29,796 --> 00:22:33,876
to exist as a consequence
of us creating them
in our hallucination, sir.

280
00:22:33,876 --> 00:22:38,036
It's quantum mechanics.
Every decision that's made
creates a new universe,

281
00:22:38,036 --> 00:22:40,316
as do all dreams
and hallucinations.

282
00:22:40,316 --> 00:22:44,896
It's multiverse 101.
But those sad suckers will
live out the rest of their lives

283
00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:48,456
convinced they're the real ones
and we're characters from a TV show.

284
00:22:48,456 --> 00:22:51,956
And if you told them the truth,
you know what they'd probably do?

285
00:22:51,956 --> 00:22:54,716
Laugh. Yeah.

286
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,156
They probably would.

287
00:23:06,596 --> 00:23:08,196
♪ It's cold outside

288
00:23:08,196 --> 00:23:10,296
♪ There's no kind of atmosphere

289
00:23:10,296 --> 00:23:13,516
♪ I'm all alone, more or less

290
00:23:13,516 --> 00:23:16,516
♪ Let me fly far away from here

291
00:23:16,516 --> 00:23:19,916
♪ Fun, fun, fun

292
00:23:19,916 --> 00:23:23,016
♪ In the sun, sun, sun

293
00:23:23,016 --> 00:23:24,956
♪ I want to lie

294
00:23:24,956 --> 00:23:27,156
♪ Shipwrecked and comatose

295
00:23:27,156 --> 00:23:30,236
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice

296
00:23:30,236 --> 00:23:33,636
♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

297
00:23:33,636 --> 00:23:36,476
♪ Fun, fun, fun

298
00:23:36,476 --> 00:23:40,876
♪ In the sun, sun, sun

299
00:23:40,876 --> 00:23:43,796
♪ Fun, fun, fun

300
00:23:43,796 --> 00:23:46,316
♪ In the sun, sun, sun. ♪

301
00:23:46,316 --> 00:23:48,296
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