1 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,760 So, this is it. Yeah. 2 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,640 Home, sweet home. 3 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:18,200 Kitchen area. Well... 4 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,040 Yeah. You've got a bed, look! 5 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,960 Yeah. And a chair. 6 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,040 Watch this. 7 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:27,640 It's quality, Len! Yeah. 8 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,600 And I've got this, look here. 9 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,000 Yeah. Len's been living in a lock-up, haven't you, Len? 10 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,480 Yeah. Yeah. 11 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,840 He can't get into his house any more, cos it's so hoarded. 12 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,320 There's stuff piled up to the ceilings, isn't there, Len? 13 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,880 Yeah, you can't get in the front door now. Yeah. 14 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,320 Council found that he'd been hoarding, like, 15 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,000 jars of his own faeces since, like, '98 and that. 16 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,160 Yeah, that was a bit bad. 17 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,840 Yeah. 18 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,040 What you want to do is not hoard this place up like the last place. 19 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,520 I think you'd be all right then. 20 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,640 Yeah. Cos if I set my mind to it, 21 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,720 then if I think I can do it, I know I can do it. Yeah. 22 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,120 But I'm getting a new tea towel, 23 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,000 and that's not cos I'm hoarding it, 24 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,280 it's cos I need one. 25 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,200 A tea towel's all right. 26 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,080 Well, a tea towel's all right. 27 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,760 Yeah. 28 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:20,800 Yeah. 29 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,920 This is it. This is the Bowlers' Club. 30 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,120 My empire. Meet Colin - he's our newest member, aren't you? 31 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,480 Been here for a couple of weeks. 32 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:33,760 He was getting picked on the first week, weren't you? 33 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,200 A little bit. 34 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,560 But you're settling in well, all right? 35 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,720 Yeah. A couple of the older members have been nasty, 36 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,000 but we stamped that out. All right, gents. You good? 37 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,920 I've been working here since last month. 38 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,120 There was a job going here and the vicar made me apply for it. 39 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,120 At first I was like, fuck this, 40 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,000 cos it's full of old stinkers, 41 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,400 but actually, they're all right once you get to know them. 42 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,760 As long as you don't mention foreigners 43 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,560 or self-service checkouts. 44 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,800 Cos they really don't like either of those things, 45 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,320 and they'll make sure they let you know about that. 46 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,280 All right, girls. You behave yourselves! 47 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,960 Yeah? Any empties? 48 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,080 Yeah. Hands off, Wendy, 49 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,440 I don't think Arthur would be happy if he saw that. 50 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,480 Talk of the devil. 51 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,080 Usual, Arthur? 52 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,040 I'm enjoying it, actually. 53 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:24,400 I really didn't think I would, but, yeah, it's going really well. 54 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,320 So, don't tell my dad I showed you this, yeah? 55 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,320 But this is what I've been storing here. 56 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,960 Well, about a week ago, my dad sat me down and he said, 57 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,240 "Ker, how do you fancy going into business with your old man?" 58 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:48,320 Like, renting a lock-up out and letting me store me wares in it. 59 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,720 I just, like... 60 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,240 ..I thought I was going to cry. 61 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,200 But it wasn't because I was sad, 62 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,840 it was because my whole life, I'd been telling people, 63 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,880 one day me and my dad will go into business together. 64 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,360 And people were like, "Kerry, it's never going to happen", 65 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,120 you know, "Get your head out of the clouds, 66 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,560 "this is getting absolutely heartbreaking now." 67 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:11,840 But I just knew in my heart and I never let go of that. 68 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:16,000 So, my dad's got a mate called Spud who works in the Dyson factory. 69 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,880 And all of these were going to get thrown out, 70 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,320 but there's absolutely nothing wrong with them, you see? 71 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,800 They're all tip-top. 72 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,760 So, my dad basically takes them off his hands for a small fee, 73 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,480 and I store them here and he sells them on for a higher fee. 74 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,240 So, just, you know, everyone's laughing. 75 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,480 Such a small idea for a business. 76 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,480 Oh, you see this guy, here? 77 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,520 Right, he had an Action Man surgically removed from his arse, 78 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:39,720 no word of a lie. 79 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,120 And he told the doctor, 80 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,800 "Oh, as I was coming out of the bath, 81 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,520 "I slipped on the bath mat and I fell on it." 82 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:46,560 And the doctor said, 83 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,040 "Oh, that's funny, because why's there a condom on it, then?" 84 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,320 And he just went like this. 85 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,440 I mean, what can you say? 86 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,400 Odd. 87 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,600 It's pretty tight, this game, now. 88 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,320 This is Vicky's go, so... 89 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,400 Come on, Vicks! This is it, son. 90 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:12,440 You can do it. 91 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,960 He's fucked it. Unlucky, Vicks! 92 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,680 He's absolutely fucked it there. 93 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:24,960 Yeah. 94 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,000 He's fucked it for the entire team. They won't come back from that now. 95 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,800 So disappointing. If I had it my way, I'd just haul him off. 96 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,320 Haul him off, wouldn't even talk to him. 97 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,640 I am absolutely thrilled. 98 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,080 He's doing so brilliantly well. 99 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,840 He's, he's a different lad. 100 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,400 He's responsible, he's in control, 101 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,640 I think he's found his calling. 102 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,800 And everyone... Vicar! Sorry, mate. 103 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,720 You've still got your bowling shoes on in the bar area. 104 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,960 Oh. Oh, goodness me! 105 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,560 I'm away with the fairies! 106 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:56,920 It's a bit annoying, actually. 107 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,680 This is not the first or the second time 108 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,280 I've had to tell you, really, is it? 109 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:01,680 No, sorry, Kurtan. 110 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,080 It's all right. As you were. 111 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,280 So, as you can see... 112 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,680 I'm only saying it because, you know, 113 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,080 people look up to you. And if they see you doing it, 114 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,440 they're going to think it's all right for them to do it, 115 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,200 and that's when it gets absolutely bloody bananas in here. 116 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,560 Yeah. All right? Understood. 117 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:19,600 As you were. 118 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,120 So, me and Len are basically neighbours now. 119 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,360 And as much as he winds me up and wounds me up, 120 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,920 he's had a very hard time recently. 121 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,000 His sparkle has just gone. 122 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,200 So, and he's actually a really good neighbour as well. 123 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,200 Because he keeps an eye on my lock-up, 124 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,320 and sometimes, if I'm there, he makes me a cup of tea. 125 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:43,640 That's my dad. 126 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,880 That's my dad, look. All right, Dad? 127 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,680 All right? Come here, you. 128 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,080 What? 129 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,240 What's wrong? 130 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,600 Dad? What have we said about the cameras being here? 131 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,240 I didn't know they were going to be here. 132 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,520 I'm so sorry, Dad. I'll find someone else to work with 133 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,480 if you're going to fart about. Please, no. 134 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,560 It'll be absolutely fine. I won't let them be... 135 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,040 I've had it up to here. Get in the van. I'm sorry, Dad. 136 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,600 Yes, it's legit. Of course it's legit. 137 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,960 Why would I put the lock-up in my name if I didn't think it was legit? 138 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,080 You know, my dad doesn't want to be on camera 139 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,840 because he's had his business ideas nicked before. 140 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,040 You know my dad actually wrote the song Wonderwall 141 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,640 on the back of a beer mat 142 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,080 in the space of ten minutes, don't you? 143 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,480 And he was at the Keepers, and he just threw it on the floor 144 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,360 because he thought, "This is just absolutely rubbish." 145 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,360 And guess what brothers came into the Keepers that day, 146 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,640 working as crisps salesmen? 147 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:55,400 It was Bros, who then, later on at another gig, threw it on the floor. 148 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,360 Because they just thought, "This is actually not working." 149 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,760 But the Gallagher brothers were there, and they picked it up 150 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:02,960 and worked with it. 151 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,360 Four ham, four cheese. 152 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,280 Do you know what? I had six requests yesterday for cucumber sandwiches, 153 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,840 so I did ten, and no-one touched them. 154 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:17,080 I actually found one spat out in a napkin hidden under a table. 155 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,800 But that's the thing. 156 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,880 They think they know what they want, but actually, 157 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,200 they don't know what they want. 158 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,960 They're very much like babies, in that sense. 159 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:38,400 All right? All right. What are you wearing? 160 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,440 Official England merchandise. 161 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,560 Manager's jacket. When did you get that? 162 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,680 Got it over there. That looks dead smart, there! 163 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,520 The quality is... I can see it from here! 164 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,360 The thread work and the lining really works. 165 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,120 That is official as well, isn't it? 166 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,000 Yeah. The beauty of working with my dad 167 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,360 is we get to hang out together. 168 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,200 And also have a bit of cash to splash. 169 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,640 Got this for you, as well. 170 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:03,760 For me? Yeah. 171 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,280 Really? Yeah. 172 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,560 What is it? Well, open it and see. 173 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,880 Yeah? I actually bought the wrapping paper as well. 174 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,120 That's not just recycled off an old present. 175 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,400 Oh, my God! Is this a real one? 176 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,600 Yeah. Are you kidding me? 177 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,760 No, I'm not kidding you, yeah. 178 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,680 Oh, my God, Ker. 179 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,520 That... That's amazing! 180 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,600 Well, give it a go, then. Yeah, all right. 181 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,840 That is brilliant. Brilliant, isn't it? Absolutely brilliant! 182 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,680 You're so happy with that. I'm over the moon! 183 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,480 Do you know what? That's absolutely great, 184 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,400 because I've just got a tiny, tiny, tiny little favour to ask you. 185 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,560 What favour? 186 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,200 Oh, just need to store some stuff at the Bowls Club, that's all. 187 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:48,760 Why? 188 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,840 Because lock-up's just completely full. 189 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,720 I can't store anything at home either. 190 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,560 Because Mum's just hitting the roof about it. 191 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,080 Kurtan will never make any money, 192 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,640 because he's too much of a worry worm, like his nan. 193 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,920 Do you know what? 194 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,120 They were both so worried about the millennium bug 195 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,800 that they actually made a suicide pact. 196 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,400 Which would have been a shame, 197 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,000 because he would have missed out on the demise of Ceefax. 198 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,920 And he absolutely loved that, seeing that go down. 199 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,000 Because he hated the graphics and he hated the loading times. 200 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:21,040 That's it, back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up. 201 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,960 There we go, and... Boom! 202 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,480 Christ! It isn't all this, is it? 203 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,120 Yeah. Ker, I haven't got the space for all this! 204 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,800 You only said it was going to be a couple. 205 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,760 It's not going to be for long, it's fine. 206 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,680 I really don't... Can't someone else do it? 207 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,280 I've already got Len to fill his lock-up with them. 208 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,160 You know Len's got a problem with hoarding. 209 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,600 You shouldn't be doing that to him! 210 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,680 It's not a problem, Kurtan, it's a quirk. 211 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,960 Hurry up! Yeah, slow down, Spud, mate. 212 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,640 Who the hell's that? 213 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,560 My dad's mate, Spud. Oh, great. 214 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:50,880 So, Martin's involved? 215 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,720 Well, this ain't going to be fishy, then! 216 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,760 It's not fishy, because it's absolutely legit. 217 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,520 You know, if you're going to fart me about, 218 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:59,480 I'll just take your hoover back. Quickly, then. 219 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,040 INTERVIEWER: What's that one over there? Up on the shelf? 220 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:29,880 Oh, this? This, this is a little thing we do at the club. 221 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,360 We hand it out to, well, the Wally of the Year. 222 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:37,440 And it's coming up this year, we've got a few contenders for that. 223 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,240 Colin, for one... 224 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,040 I want to sit in the window! He's... 225 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,680 Well, I'm sitting in the window. 226 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,400 First come, first served, you miserable old git! 227 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,240 Don't you dare say miserable old git to me like that! Oi! 228 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,080 Oi! Guys! I'll say it any bloody way I want! 229 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,160 I'll say it like this! Blah, blah, blah. 230 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,520 Stop it! Stop it! 231 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,400 He was sitting in the window twice this week. 232 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,840 Stop it! Stop it, Len! Stop it! 233 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,160 All right? If this is about the window, yeah, 234 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,120 you had your turn yesterday, yeah? 235 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,160 Yeah? So let Len have his turn today. 236 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,280 All right? Well, it's my turn tomorrow! 237 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,280 Yeah, that is... And my turn the day after! 238 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,280 That's fine, all right? 239 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,120 Go back, sit down over there, please, Arthur, please. 240 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,920 Just... All right? Yeah? 241 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:21,440 I'm just not really up for this today, lads. 242 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,240 All right? Sit down, that's it. 243 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,480 It's like running a kindergarten centre here, sometimes. 244 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,360 The way they behave, it's embarrassing. 245 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,880 Well, I know who's going to be Wally of the Year. 246 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,720 I know who's on my top of the list. 247 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,320 Arthur, probably. 248 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,440 Knobhead. 249 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,600 So, in the '90s, right, 250 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,840 there used to be a bunch of kids that used to hang out here 251 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,600 and used to sniff glue and that. And one of them was called Rug Rat. 252 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:53,800 and he sniffed so much glue 253 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,040 that his nostrils actually, like, stuck together. 254 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,200 And the doctor says to him, "Look, I'm so sorry, 255 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,680 "but unfortunately, you're going to have to talk like this... 256 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,680 NASALLY: "..for the rest of your life." 257 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,600 But then, he got a job doing voices on cartoons. 258 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,400 He's made a massive success out of himself. 259 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,040 So it just goes to show, you can be anything you want to be, really, 260 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,440 if you put your mind to it. 261 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,320 Kerry Mucklowe? 262 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,360 Is this your lock-up? 263 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,080 I don't think it is, no. 264 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,600 It's registered in your name. 265 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,160 Well, it could be. Because, I mean, nobody tells me anything. 266 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,600 Shall we go down to the station, sort this out? 267 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,400 Well, you can if you want, I'm probably just going to head back. 268 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,200 Can you get in the car, please? 269 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,880 Are you asking me? Or are you...? 270 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,200 I'm telling you. Telling me? Yep. 271 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,640 This car, is it? Yep, that's the one. Yeah? 272 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:40,880 I'll see you later. 273 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,120 SIREN WAILS 274 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,880 Anyone here lost a hearing aid? 275 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,400 No? 276 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,440 No-one's going to claim this, and it goes straight in the bin. 277 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,040 For lost property, my policy is the ten-second rule. 278 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,800 Right, in the bin it goes. 279 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,640 If it's not claimed after ten seconds, just dump it in the... 280 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,080 MOBILE RINGS 281 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,640 Kerry's mum. What does she want? 282 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,120 What have I done? Fuck it, I'll answer anyway. 283 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,160 Hello? 284 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,600 Hello? 285 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,280 Are you all right? 286 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,920 Hello, can you hear me now? 287 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,040 Well, you rang me! 288 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,480 Yeah, what is it? 289 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,920 Yeah? 290 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,800 Oh, shit... 291 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:02,840 Why? 292 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,640 Why? 293 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,040 Martin. I said it was dodgy, didn't I? 294 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,280 All right, yeah, all right. 295 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,600 I'd better go, then. 296 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:17,720 I'd better go then, Sue! 297 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,080 I'm just saying I'd better go, then! 298 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,400 Yeah, the connection's bad, it's fine! 299 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,000 OK? All right! 300 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,160 Yeah, I'll let you go. 301 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,960 All right? 302 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,400 Hello, I said I'm going to go! 303 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,760 Fuck. Martin, yeah. 304 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,680 I said it. I said it from the start it was dodgy. 305 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,640 It just whiffed of dodgy. I bet... 306 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,840 Fuck's sake... 307 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,240 Yeah? 308 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,360 Hello? 309 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,600 Yeah, you all right? 310 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,000 Hello? 311 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,440 Right. 312 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,920 Yeah. Fuck it. I'd better go and call Rebecca. 313 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,280 Give me two seconds, yeah? 314 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,480 OK, Kerry. Thanks for coming in. 315 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,440 Just to confirm that you've been cautioned 316 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,040 and are entitled to free legal advice, which you've declined. 317 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,200 Can I ask why? Because I ain't doing anything wrong. 318 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,280 Can I say, as my human right, 319 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,800 you have not asked me if I want a glass of water. 320 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,600 And I'm legally entitled to that as well. 321 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,880 OK, would you like a glass of water? 322 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,960 No. But thank you for asking me. 323 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,280 That is correct conduct. 324 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,600 OK, So... 325 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,240 We have evidence to suggest that your father, Martin Mucklowe, 326 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,280 has been involved in the transportation and storage 327 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,640 of stolen goods from a factory in Malmesbury. 328 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,720 And it's our belief that he's been using you to store them in a lock-up 329 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:50,800 rented out in your name. 330 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,240 No, because they weren't stolen. 331 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,800 They had been thrown away. 332 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,800 It's like, you know the tea rooms in town, 333 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,280 where if they can't sell all their paninis in the day, 334 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,880 they just put it in a bin bag 335 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,520 and they put it outside the shop for the homeless, and the foxes, 336 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,440 and sometimes badgers get in there...? 337 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,040 OK, Kerry. I need you to appreciate 338 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,960 the significance of this situation, OK? 339 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:15,680 Yeah, but also, have you ever seen The Raggy Dolls on the CBBC? 340 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,280 Because that's very similar. 341 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:20,360 The dolls, if they're not in full working order, 342 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,120 like, their arms and their legs and that, 343 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:23,920 they should have all their limbs, 344 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,920 and these don't have their limbs, so they get thrown away into a thing. 345 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,680 And that's very similar to the hoovers. 346 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,200 Because the hoovers are very much like the dolls. 347 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,360 Because they also want to find loving homes. 348 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,960 Look, I know you're trying to protect your dad, 349 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,560 but you have to tell us the truth. 350 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,560 I am telling the truth. My dad is not a criminal. 351 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:46,840 When I think of Kerry Mucklowe, I think of someone who is very loyal. 352 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,600 And very, very stupid. 353 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,320 More stupid than loyal. 354 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,640 Sort of 70% stupid, 30% loyal, probably. 355 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,040 Because she's very loyal. 356 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,080 But extremely stupid. 357 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,480 Bored! 358 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,200 Yep. Bored! It's boring. 359 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,400 I'm bored too, I'm bored too. 360 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,120 You're bored as well? Yep. 361 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,200 Well, then, why don't you actually investigate a proper crime, 362 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,920 rather than just hounding me and my dad 363 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,680 for absolutely no reason, over some little hoovers? 364 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:23,320 Kerry, I don't think you understand the severity of this crime. 365 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,840 If convicted, you can face up to seven years in prison. 366 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,560 And as things stand, 367 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,080 there are 168 stolen vacuum cleaners in a lock-up 368 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,280 rented out under your name. 369 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:40,680 Now, this is your final opportunity to give us your account. 370 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,760 Were you a year below me at school? 371 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,800 Yes. Used to hang out with Darren Lockhart and that? 372 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,600 I did, yeah. Have you heard what's happened to him now? 373 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,280 He got sacked from the centre 374 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:06,880 because he made his own periscope 375 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,960 and was peeping on the girls in the changing rooms. 376 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,200 I wouldn't know. 377 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,280 Well, you should know, 378 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,640 cos if you want to be investigating anything, mate, 379 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,160 I'd be investigating that. 380 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,600 Interview terminated at 13:48. 381 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,640 That was hard, that was really hard. 382 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,200 He was absolutely seething, 383 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,120 cos he couldn't get any information out of me. 384 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,000 Basically, PC Webber was trying to get 385 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,680 me and my dad to turn on each other. 386 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,920 What he doesn't know is that us Mucklowes ain't grasses. 387 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,800 My dad, right, always taught me Mucklowes look after Mucklowes. 388 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,480 Well, I don't really know her. 389 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,200 I mean, she's my daughter and that, but... 390 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,560 Right. ..I've had nothing to do with her, cos she's trouble. 391 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,200 OK. 392 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,960 As for the stolen stuff, well, I wouldn't put it past her. 393 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,920 What do you mean, you wouldn't put it past her? 394 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,920 Well, make of it what you will, you know. 395 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:02,440 Unfortunately for Kerry, she has one very big hole in her life. 396 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,240 And that's Martin. 397 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,520 And what makes it even more difficult for Kerry is that, 398 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,720 living in the same village as her father, 399 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,160 she's always going to feel that that loving relationship 400 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,560 she so desperately craves is just within reach. 401 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,200 When in fact, he might as well be living 402 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,840 on the other side of the world. 403 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,240 Ker. What's all this? 404 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,640 Hoovers. Yeah, I know it's hoovers, but what are they still doing here? 405 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,160 "A few days," you said. 406 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,440 Well, I've got to leave them here cos I can't put them anywhere else. 407 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:43,400 Ker, if they find this lot here, I'm going to get the blame, right? 408 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,440 Next thing I know, Terry's going to be taking my tie off me 409 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,000 and my key fob, and I can't lose this job. 410 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,360 This means the world to me, this job. 411 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,960 You know? 412 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:56,840 The other day, Terry said he'd never seen the glasses look so clean. 413 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,520 He said they looked like the glasses from the Finish adverts. 414 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,920 And that's cos I go that extra mile, 415 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,280 cos I put a tiny bit of Fairy washing-up liquid 416 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,240 in with the dishwashing tablets, right? 417 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,920 And it makes all the fucking difference. 418 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,400 And your dad is going to fuck that up for me. 419 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,600 You've got to tell the truth, 420 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,000 or he's going to fucking drag me down and you down with him. 421 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,720 Kurtan, Mucklowes look after Mucklowes, 422 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,520 so you've got nothing to worry about, mate. 423 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,720 Yeah, and I'm a Mucklowe. You're not looking after me. 424 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,040 Yeah, well, my dad's a Mucklowe 425 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,760 and you're not looking after him, are you? 426 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,440 Yeah, cos he's a fucking scumbag, Kerry, 427 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,600 and he's going to fucking stitch you up again. 428 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,880 He's not going to stitch me up, cos my dad loves me. 429 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,160 Do you know what? I actually don't think he loves you at all 430 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:35,040 and I don't think he's ever loved you. 431 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,520 All right, that's harsh and unnecessary, but fine. 432 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,680 Right, you remember when you had pneumonia, right? 433 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,080 Yeah. When you were ten? Yeah? 434 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,120 And you nearly died. 435 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,400 Yeah, I did, yeah. It was pretty serious, right? 436 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,920 And you were in hospital and your dad wasn't there, was he? 437 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,920 No. He wasn't there. Because he was too busy. 438 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,120 Too busy down the Keepers. 439 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,240 Yeah. Yeah, doing what? 440 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,040 He was playing on the fruit machine. Playing on the fruity, exactly. 441 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,200 Yeah, because it was just about to pay out, 442 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,960 so he's not exactly going to leave it, is he? 443 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,680 What, is he going to just let someone else go and swan in 444 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,560 and go on it? No, don't think so. 445 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:10,240 I have never known someone love someone less than Martin loves you. 446 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:11,920 OK? Do you know why? 447 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,040 Because Martin loves Martin, right? 448 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,400 And no-one else. 449 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,840 Well, why have me and my dad been texting each other, then? 450 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,320 Just texting now, look. 451 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,840 What about? Each other. What about? 452 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,640 About meeting up to get our ducks in order. 453 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:25,680 What does that mean? 454 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,480 I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure it means that he's got plans... 455 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,800 Len's been using the ladies' toilet again. Fuck's sake. 456 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,920 What you dobbing me in for? 457 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,080 Can you see the sort of shit I've already got to deal with here, 458 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:40,480 with them two? 459 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,320 Look, we're in a little bit of hot water, Ker. 460 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,760 Yeah. So I've been having a long, hard think 461 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,160 about how to sort it out, right? 462 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,200 Yeah. The plan is, you go down to the police station. 463 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,400 Right. Ask for PC Webber. 464 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,360 Yeah. He takes you to the interview room. 465 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:03,920 Right. You've got to start crying. 466 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:07,000 And you've got to say, "Oh, nothing to do with my dad, 467 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,360 "it's all me, all me, I stole them hoovers." 468 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,720 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you go down for six months or so. 469 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,360 Right. And that's it. 470 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,840 I... 471 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,920 I don't want to go to prison, though, Dad. 472 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:21,760 You might enjoy it, Ker. 473 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,960 And you never know, you might find a lover in there. 474 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,080 Some of these places these days are like bloody Butlin's. 475 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,960 I mean, you've got pool tables, they feed you, you've got bunk beds... 476 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,120 I can't go to prison, Dad. 477 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,200 Kerry, Mucklowes look after Mucklowes. 478 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,640 You do love your old dad, don't you? 479 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:44,320 Course I do. You wouldn't want to see him go inside, would you? 480 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:45,520 No, of course not. 481 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,000 Well... 482 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,120 Do you love me, Dad? 483 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:53,720 It's not about love, Ker, 484 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,560 it's about having a stiff upper lip and getting on with the job in hand. 485 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,520 Yeah, but you do love me, though, don't you, Dad? 486 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,280 I'll be honest with you, a couple of years ago... 487 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,840 ..I had a job. Long-haul lorry driving for Hawkin's Bazaar. 488 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:07,880 Yeah? 489 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,760 And one day, I was coming back from Dover late at night 490 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,080 with a lorry-load of puppets... Yeah. 491 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,640 ..and this little dog darted out in front of me. 492 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,400 No collar, no nothing. 493 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,280 I swerved to avoid him, but, well, I hit him head-on. 494 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,280 Oh! I stopped the cab, got down, 495 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:28,000 and its legs were mangled like a drawer-full of phone chargers. 496 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:33,040 Oh, God. I picked him up, cradled his head as he was dying. 497 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,960 Yeah? And I looked into his big, brown eyes. 498 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,720 And I felt absolutely nothing. 499 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,040 And you know why? 500 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,040 Because I've got no empathy. Zilch. 501 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,360 Zero, nil points, nothing. 502 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:49,400 So... 503 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,440 You... 504 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,680 You will write to me, though, won't you, Dad? 505 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,000 Have you not listened to a word I've just said? 506 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:07,520 Right. 507 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:10,920 Take me to the police station. 508 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,080 Well, it's not really on my way, Ker. 509 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,440 Yeah. Sorry. 510 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,120 Just... 511 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,440 Well, I'll see you, though, Dad. 512 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,320 Mucklowes don't look after Mucklowes. 513 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,920 Mucklowes are the problem. 514 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:48,120 You know, you need someone to protect you from the Mucklowes. 515 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,800 And I say that as a Mucklowe myself. 516 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,120 The thing is, you've got to realise 517 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:55,720 what kind of a relationship she's had with her father 518 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,400 and how that's affected her whole outlook on life. 519 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,920 I don't know how many times he's fucked her over, 520 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,520 and she never learns. 521 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,440 I'm not even angry with him any more. 522 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:06,760 I'm angry with her. 523 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,840 She makes the same mistakes time and time again 524 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:13,840 and she doesn't listen to the people who actually give a shit about her. 525 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,080 I like Kerry, I've got a lot of time for Kerry. 526 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,840 She's a good girl, Kerry is. 527 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,360 She's lazy, she stinks... 528 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:23,880 ..she's rude, nasty. 529 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,600 I see a lot of myself in her, really. 530 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,960 She is thick, but she's not as thick as she looks. 531 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,560 She looks thicker than... 532 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,480 She's thick, but she looks thicker than she actually is. 533 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:38,240 Whereas Kurtan... 534 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,320 ..is thicker than he looks and he looks thick. 535 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,920 Have you seen Friends? 536 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,360 Because I think Kerry and Martin are a lot like Gunther and Rachel, 537 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,960 because Gunther loves Rachel, 538 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,120 but Rachel doesn't give a shit about Gunther. 539 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:55,400 He's just some guy who works in a cafe, serving coffee. 540 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,000 You know? And he should focus on what he does have, 541 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,040 which is a great little business. 542 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,240 Yes, I do think there is a point at which people 543 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,240 just have to stand on their own two feet 544 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,640 and take responsibility for their decisions. 545 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,720 Hi. Hi. 546 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,200 I was wondering if I could speak to PC Webber, please. 547 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,800 Unfortunately, when it comes to Martin, 548 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,520 she seems to always make the wrong decisions. 549 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,280 "Mucklowes look after Mucklowes" is our family code. 550 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,920 And a lot of people wouldn't understand it. 551 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,600 I'm only just starting to understand it myself, to be fair. 552 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,640 Kerry Mucklowe? Yeah? 553 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,120 We're ready for you, if you'd like to come through.