2 00:05:14,390 --> 00:05:15,351 Coffee. 3 00:05:22,232 --> 00:05:24,272 Here you go. Thank you, goodbye. -Thank you. 4 00:06:26,965 --> 00:06:28,325 Come here, little one. 5 00:07:22,254 --> 00:07:27,136 Hi, this is Edith. I can't come today; I'm not feeling well. 6 00:07:28,057 --> 00:07:31,694 Sorry, it's nothing serious. Just a bit of a cold. 7 00:07:32,135 --> 00:07:33,976 I'll be back on Monday. 8 00:13:19,804 --> 00:13:20,725 It was. 9 00:13:24,726 --> 00:13:26,247 Oh, you're already there. 10 00:13:28,246 --> 00:13:29,924 Are you leaving? -No! 11 00:13:31,805 --> 00:13:34,046 I mean, I just got here. -Okay. 12 00:13:38,486 --> 00:13:39,648 Yes, I... 13 00:13:48,051 --> 00:13:49,730 Still on the bike? 14 00:13:50,368 --> 00:13:51,328 Yes. 15 00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:55,129 And you? 16 00:13:58,089 --> 00:13:59,050 Nee. 17 00:13:59,771 --> 00:14:02,933 Not on my bike, no! Of course not. 18 00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:10,776 Your flowers. Flowers. 19 00:14:11,931 --> 00:14:12,852 Oh, yes. 20 00:14:34,776 --> 00:14:37,299 I didn't know if you would come. 21 00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:40,458 I wanted to call you to tell you I was coming. 22 00:14:40,619 --> 00:14:43,861 But I'm not much of a caller. -I know that. 23 00:14:53,863 --> 00:14:56,021 Have you been to his grave yet? 24 00:14:56,942 --> 00:14:57,901 Yes. 25 00:14:58,983 --> 00:15:00,623 Looks nice. 26 00:15:00,783 --> 00:15:02,503 I'm doing my best. -Yes. 27 00:15:04,544 --> 00:15:08,467 I was afraid it would look like a construction site. 28 00:15:08,625 --> 00:15:10,024 Nee. 29 00:15:11,266 --> 00:15:13,026 No, fortunately not. 30 00:15:33,712 --> 00:15:35,589 So we just have to wait here? 31 00:15:36,391 --> 00:15:38,272 Yeah, I think so. 32 00:15:42,710 --> 00:15:44,951 You haven't changed at all. 33 00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:49,471 Then don't get too close. 34 00:16:22,202 --> 00:16:25,757 It still looks the same as it did 10 years ago. 35 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,722 The tree is gone... 36 00:16:35,524 --> 00:16:37,282 at his grave. -Yes. 37 00:16:37,443 --> 00:16:39,801 He had some kind of illness. 38 00:16:41,683 --> 00:16:42,605 Yes. 39 00:16:43,726 --> 00:16:47,843 I thought it was because of the poison. -No, it has nothing to do with that. 40 00:16:47,963 --> 00:16:48,925 Okay. 41 00:16:51,684 --> 00:16:53,883 How many graves do they have to move? 42 00:16:54,844 --> 00:16:56,246 I don't really know. 43 00:17:05,768 --> 00:17:07,525 We'll find out soon enough. 44 00:17:10,970 --> 00:17:12,850 Do you want something? -What? 45 00:17:13,928 --> 00:17:18,611 Coffee, tea, water? -Oh, no, no, no! Thanks. 46 00:17:19,732 --> 00:17:21,332 Okay, thank you. 47 00:17:41,055 --> 00:17:44,136 I find this difficult. -Well... 48 00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,484 let's hear what they have to say first. 49 00:17:47,496 --> 00:17:48,177 No, I... 50 00:17:48,338 --> 00:17:53,696 No, I mean, waiting here together, and me not having seen you in years. 51 00:17:53,857 --> 00:17:56,097 I don't know about you. 52 00:17:56,256 --> 00:18:01,699 You don't know how I am. I don't know what to say, and I have to pee. 53 00:18:02,419 --> 00:18:05,259 Well, then you must go. 54 00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,421 I mean going to pee. 55 00:18:13,298 --> 00:18:14,299 Yes. 56 00:19:14,591 --> 00:19:16,074 Actually best to drink. 57 00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:18,955 You know what I find strange? 58 00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:24,433 That things only happen when they no longer matter. 59 00:19:24,553 --> 00:19:26,913 When you don't need it anymore. 60 00:19:28,795 --> 00:19:30,597 Are you talking about me? 61 00:19:33,678 --> 00:19:34,636 So... 62 00:19:35,756 --> 00:19:37,798 you don't care whether i'm here or not? 63 00:19:37,918 --> 00:19:39,600 I'm not saying that. 64 00:19:40,398 --> 00:19:42,117 That's what it sounds like. 65 00:19:42,757 --> 00:19:46,317 But I don't mean it that way. I mean it in a positive way. 66 00:19:46,877 --> 00:19:47,798 That... 67 00:19:48,797 --> 00:19:52,641 that you discover that you can do without something, that you no longer need it. 68 00:19:52,802 --> 00:19:54,922 Isn't that positive? 69 00:19:56,563 --> 00:20:01,523 Yes, but are you glad I'm here or not? -Yes, I'm very glad you're here. 70 00:20:01,683 --> 00:20:04,001 Okay. -That we're here together. 71 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:08,084 Washed up, so to speak. -So you feel washed up? 72 00:20:08,881 --> 00:20:09,800 Yes. 73 00:20:11,042 --> 00:20:11,962 What... 74 00:20:14,486 --> 00:20:15,726 What was that? 75 00:20:16,806 --> 00:20:19,448 What happened? -Is he hurt? 76 00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:26,125 Come here. 77 00:20:26,285 --> 00:20:28,248 Is he okay? - I don't know. 78 00:21:19,575 --> 00:21:22,178 31 december 2012. 79 00:21:23,098 --> 00:21:25,099 It's been a long time, hasn't it? 80 00:21:26,217 --> 00:21:28,580 31 december 2012... 81 00:21:29,701 --> 00:21:31,459 at 10 past 7. 82 00:21:34,019 --> 00:21:36,701 7:10? -The door closed. 83 00:21:37,341 --> 00:21:39,701 I looked at the clock, 7:10. 84 00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:43,102 I have never forgotten it. 85 00:21:48,222 --> 00:21:50,664 What did you actually do that night? 86 00:21:51,785 --> 00:21:53,663 Or don't you remember? -Yes. 87 00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:56,543 Of course. 88 00:22:01,464 --> 00:22:02,786 I drove to... 89 00:22:03,705 --> 00:22:08,625 Mom's beach house, just before midnight. 90 00:22:08,785 --> 00:22:12,870 I stopped at a gas station and I was going to call you, but then... 91 00:22:13,471 --> 00:22:15,308 I thought, you damn idiot. 92 00:22:15,427 --> 00:22:20,347 I mean, who leaves on a day like this and then calls at midnight? So... 93 00:22:22,226 --> 00:22:25,029 So, I didn't call. 94 00:22:33,553 --> 00:22:36,192 You know what I noticed? 95 00:22:36,350 --> 00:22:40,033 How often you do things that you actually don't want to do. 96 00:22:41,471 --> 00:22:45,431 Are you talking about that night? -No, no!... I mean... 97 00:22:47,995 --> 00:22:50,475 I mean, yeah, probably. 98 00:22:51,836 --> 00:22:55,635 You don't have to apologize. -I don't either. It's more... 99 00:22:55,756 --> 00:22:57,912 An insight long after the event. I mean... 100 00:22:58,073 --> 00:23:01,997 we all end up in the same place in the end. 101 00:23:02,958 --> 00:23:06,036 We do things we'd rather not do... 102 00:23:06,197 --> 00:23:09,198 or we leave things that we would rather do. 103 00:23:17,401 --> 00:23:19,279 Funny, isn't it? You have to laugh. 104 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,599 Hearing that from you, I find it funny. 105 00:23:21,719 --> 00:23:23,922 You have to laugh. Yes, hilarious. 106 00:23:24,802 --> 00:23:26,441 It's funny, isn't it? 107 00:23:27,281 --> 00:23:29,082 Are you hurt now? -No! 108 00:23:29,242 --> 00:23:31,563 You're not suddenly offended, are you? 109 00:23:39,326 --> 00:23:40,686 What are you going to do? 110 00:23:41,843 --> 00:23:43,723 I need to go outside for a moment. 111 00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:47,245 But they can come any time. 112 00:24:08,928 --> 00:24:11,168 Do you want to record? -No! 113 00:24:12,530 --> 00:24:14,292 Not important? 114 00:24:22,212 --> 00:24:24,173 Don't you find it weird... 115 00:24:26,492 --> 00:24:30,212 to see each other again here after all these years ? 116 00:24:34,814 --> 00:24:36,974 I find it bizarre. 117 00:24:38,135 --> 00:24:40,537 A bizarre twist of fate, right? 118 00:24:46,137 --> 00:24:48,576 I haven't really thought about it. 119 00:24:50,297 --> 00:24:53,299 You're seeing me for the first time in 10 years... 120 00:24:54,418 --> 00:24:56,299 here, in this place. 121 00:24:57,019 --> 00:24:59,058 And you didn't really think about it. 122 00:25:01,701 --> 00:25:03,341 Unbelievable. 123 00:25:10,503 --> 00:25:13,020 Is there anything you've thought about? -What do you mean? 124 00:25:13,181 --> 00:25:16,943 About that letter, for example? -Let's hear what they say first. 125 00:25:17,103 --> 00:25:19,663 What are the options, the costs... -The costs? 126 00:25:19,783 --> 00:25:21,504 Yes, the costs. 127 00:25:22,465 --> 00:25:25,264 We're talking about Jacob and you start talking about money? 128 00:25:25,424 --> 00:25:28,186 Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. 129 00:25:29,547 --> 00:25:33,905 You know that too. It's ridiculous to pretend I meant it that way. 130 00:26:39,799 --> 00:26:40,759 Was it? 131 00:26:54,762 --> 00:26:57,203 Edi? -I'm hungry. 132 00:27:06,482 --> 00:27:07,444 Here. 133 00:27:20,529 --> 00:27:22,687 You used to be addicted to that stuff. 134 00:27:23,687 --> 00:27:25,567 I'm trying to cut down. 135 00:27:34,370 --> 00:27:37,491 Did you know I was addicted to sleeping pills? 136 00:27:39,971 --> 00:27:42,452 According to my doctor, they couldn't do any harm... 137 00:27:43,129 --> 00:27:46,612 and it was normal for a woman in my circumstances. 138 00:27:46,772 --> 00:27:49,973 After everything I had been through, very normal. 139 00:27:50,132 --> 00:27:52,331 Isn't that reassuring? 140 00:27:52,451 --> 00:27:56,134 That it won't get out of hand. The addiction. 141 00:27:56,254 --> 00:27:58,054 Well, no way. 142 00:28:03,537 --> 00:28:06,334 Do you know what the worst thing about addiction is? 143 00:28:07,976 --> 00:28:12,818 That it's so hard to get rid of? - That it's so easy to get one. 144 00:28:13,574 --> 00:28:16,016 It happens before you know it. 145 00:28:16,177 --> 00:28:19,659 You start with half a piece and then another, and another. 146 00:28:20,177 --> 00:28:24,022 But not every night. Only when absolutely necessary, of course. 147 00:28:24,142 --> 00:28:26,303 And it is really necessary. 148 00:28:27,458 --> 00:28:31,420 So many things are increasingly necessary. 149 00:28:31,580 --> 00:28:33,980 Things in small bottles... 150 00:28:34,459 --> 00:28:36,941 or in handy blister packs. 151 00:28:39,184 --> 00:28:42,704 And before you know it, you're taking one every night. 152 00:28:51,784 --> 00:28:56,904 For a long time I hoped that I could leave things behind... 153 00:28:58,627 --> 00:29:00,547 could start over again. 154 00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:03,587 Nonsense, of course. 155 00:29:05,508 --> 00:29:09,507 It will never be the same again. No matter what you try, a new house, new... 156 00:29:09,667 --> 00:29:11,986 friends, new job. 157 00:29:16,709 --> 00:29:18,350 Is that what you want? 158 00:29:19,349 --> 00:29:20,872 Not you? 159 00:29:23,110 --> 00:29:25,471 Erase everything and start over. 160 00:29:27,791 --> 00:29:30,912 Yes, but where should you start? 161 00:29:33,473 --> 00:29:36,873 Where? -At what point would you start? 162 00:29:37,034 --> 00:29:42,675 What do you want to erase and how do you know that what comes next will be better? 163 00:29:51,316 --> 00:29:53,438 What a stupid question. 164 00:29:56,398 --> 00:29:57,357 Sorry. 165 00:30:00,877 --> 00:30:02,478 I miss him. 166 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,880 I miss him just as much now as I did then. Is that strange? 167 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,082 And do you miss him? 168 00:30:18,401 --> 00:30:21,241 I think about him every day, if that's what you mean. 169 00:30:21,402 --> 00:30:23,243 I mean, do you still miss him? 170 00:30:24,523 --> 00:30:27,201 I don't really know what I would be missing. 171 00:30:29,164 --> 00:30:31,125 So you don't miss him? 172 00:30:31,285 --> 00:30:33,604 I've come to terms with it. 173 00:30:33,723 --> 00:30:37,846 That he's gone? -No, that I miss him, every day. 174 00:30:40,404 --> 00:30:42,847 I think about him every day. 175 00:30:46,527 --> 00:30:50,488 Suffering is addictive. There should be rehab centers for it... 176 00:30:50,648 --> 00:30:52,888 with compulsory admission. 177 00:30:56,287 --> 00:30:58,291 Sounds a little crazy, right? 178 00:30:59,132 --> 00:31:00,890 It sounds cold. 179 00:31:02,169 --> 00:31:03,570 Distant. 180 00:31:04,330 --> 00:31:06,331 Like it's not about you. 181 00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:10,772 Yes, it sounds like an opinion people have when it's not about them. 182 00:31:10,932 --> 00:31:13,173 Such a casual remark. 183 00:31:14,173 --> 00:31:17,853 The idea that you are in control of your own life... 184 00:31:18,013 --> 00:31:20,255 and also about your own suffering. 185 00:31:22,053 --> 00:31:25,293 Yes, but it is true. 186 00:31:26,135 --> 00:31:27,654 Don't you think so? 187 00:31:29,054 --> 00:31:32,175 To a certain extent... -No, I don't think so, no! 188 00:31:32,295 --> 00:31:35,179 Do you think it matters what you do or don't do... 189 00:31:35,338 --> 00:31:37,777 that you are rewarded or punished? 190 00:31:38,938 --> 00:31:41,897 What am I supposed to learn from this? That question makes me sick to my stomach. 191 00:31:42,058 --> 00:31:44,335 What am I supposed to learn from this? Nothing. 192 00:31:44,495 --> 00:31:48,819 That life can be shit sometimes, really shit for some people... 193 00:31:48,979 --> 00:31:52,459 for completely inexplicable reasons. 194 00:32:06,218 --> 00:32:10,624 Why have n't you been heard from for over 10 years ? 195 00:32:10,744 --> 00:32:14,583 Or explain why you left. -You know that very well. 196 00:32:14,743 --> 00:32:17,865 A little explanation would be nice. -Okay. 197 00:32:18,704 --> 00:32:24,146 Okay, so if I explain it or if I say I'm sorry, would that make a difference? 198 00:32:24,306 --> 00:32:27,055 Sometimes it's nice to hear that you were right. 199 00:32:27,068 --> 00:32:27,984 Okay, sorry. 200 00:32:28,826 --> 00:32:30,225 I'm sorry. 201 00:32:31,468 --> 00:32:33,426 Do you feel better now? 202 00:32:33,587 --> 00:32:36,788 Wow. You really thought about it, didn't you? 203 00:33:20,597 --> 00:33:22,237 Don't know. 204 00:33:26,799 --> 00:33:28,559 Soon I think. 205 00:33:33,322 --> 00:33:34,720 Yes, I will call you back. 206 00:33:35,878 --> 00:33:37,719 Okay. Okay, bye. 207 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:42,799 Cold, right? -Yes. 208 00:33:46,882 --> 00:33:49,322 I'm sorry. I was a little... 209 00:33:54,847 --> 00:33:57,283 Oh, I think it's going to rain. Terribly. 210 00:33:58,124 --> 00:33:59,282 Yes. 211 00:34:01,723 --> 00:34:03,645 You used to love rain. 212 00:34:10,608 --> 00:34:12,807 Have they been while I was gone? -No! 213 00:34:16,170 --> 00:34:17,447 You know what? 214 00:34:18,526 --> 00:34:21,450 What are you doing? -I'm going to call them. 215 00:34:23,007 --> 00:34:25,086 Why? -Why not? 216 00:34:25,767 --> 00:34:28,210 We can wait a little longer, right? 217 00:34:28,370 --> 00:34:32,172 We've been waiting for an hour. -Are you in a hurry or something? 218 00:34:33,252 --> 00:34:35,129 Isn't that the point? 219 00:34:36,171 --> 00:34:38,373 You have reached Vianden Cemetery. 220 00:34:38,533 --> 00:34:41,851 Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call at this time . 221 00:34:42,012 --> 00:34:43,814 You can reach us from Monday to Friday. 222 00:34:49,853 --> 00:34:52,217 That's strange, isn't it? 223 00:34:53,737 --> 00:34:55,936 It's strange... 224 00:34:57,616 --> 00:35:00,855 that the ground around the graves has not been excavated... 225 00:35:01,015 --> 00:35:05,379 and there is no sign explaining what is going to happen. 226 00:35:09,737 --> 00:35:12,938 He's lying there in that mess already... 227 00:35:13,780 --> 00:35:15,340 10 years. 228 00:35:16,179 --> 00:35:19,862 Can you imagine that? -Don't. You shouldn't think like that. 229 00:35:24,819 --> 00:35:26,461 You're right. 230 00:35:28,900 --> 00:35:32,463 He's not actually lying there, is he? -What? 231 00:35:35,862 --> 00:35:38,544 He's not really lying there. 232 00:35:38,703 --> 00:35:42,546 If he's not there, who is? - You know what I mean. 233 00:35:43,866 --> 00:35:45,903 You haven't changed at all. 234 00:35:46,624 --> 00:35:50,544 Not in all these years. -I just try to look at it differently. 235 00:35:50,704 --> 00:35:54,347 Nonsense. You're actually trying not to look at it. 236 00:35:54,467 --> 00:35:56,185 As always. Here we go again. 237 00:35:56,305 --> 00:35:58,947 Yeah, just walk away again. 238 00:35:59,107 --> 00:36:01,548 What do you want then? Do you want me to respond? 239 00:36:01,709 --> 00:36:04,789 No, then I would have to adjust my image of you too much. 240 00:36:06,031 --> 00:36:09,708 Did something happen? Did something happen while I was away? 241 00:36:09,828 --> 00:36:12,629 A lot happened while you were gone. 242 00:36:12,789 --> 00:36:15,750 No, I mean, right when I left. -Oh, is that what you mean? 243 00:36:15,910 --> 00:36:18,631 Yes. -Just now? No, nothing happened just now. 244 00:36:27,513 --> 00:36:30,914 On second thought, I'm not so happy you're here after all. 245 00:36:31,071 --> 00:36:34,474 Okay, then I better get going. -Yes, you're good at that. 246 00:36:35,514 --> 00:36:38,113 What do you want from me? Do you want me to stay? 247 00:36:38,273 --> 00:36:41,676 If that's what you want, just say so. Now? 248 00:36:45,835 --> 00:36:46,795 Okay. 249 00:36:47,877 --> 00:36:50,997 Coward. -Oh, no, no! You're not going to do this. 250 00:36:53,717 --> 00:36:55,798 I'm sorry. Sorry. 251 00:36:55,918 --> 00:36:57,878 I don't want that. -I said sorry. 252 00:36:58,038 --> 00:37:00,838 I don't want that. That's not okay. You're not doing this. 253 00:37:00,999 --> 00:37:04,481 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 254 00:37:04,601 --> 00:37:07,280 I'm sorry. What do you want? What do you want... 255 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,762 What do I want? -What do you want? 256 00:37:10,322 --> 00:37:12,761 Oh, what do I want? 257 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,562 Stop. -Oh my God, you're so skinny. 258 00:37:17,722 --> 00:37:21,921 No, no, no, really. You've lost so much weight. Aren't you eating? 259 00:37:22,081 --> 00:37:23,603 Oh, okay. Stop. 260 00:37:23,723 --> 00:37:26,607 A man alone. Doesn't take good care of himself. 261 00:37:27,725 --> 00:37:30,925 You should eat a little more. Don't drink too much. 262 00:37:31,086 --> 00:37:33,767 Doesn't anyone ever tell you that? -Yes, yes, yes. 263 00:37:33,927 --> 00:37:37,165 Your mother, I suppose. -No, my wife. 264 00:37:38,167 --> 00:37:39,247 My wife. 265 00:38:28,136 --> 00:38:29,938 Have you known her for long? 266 00:38:36,738 --> 00:38:38,498 About two years. 267 00:38:40,260 --> 00:38:43,419 All this time your mother did n't say anything to me. 268 00:38:47,699 --> 00:38:49,860 She probably didn't want to hurt you. 269 00:38:52,821 --> 00:38:54,102 Nice. 270 00:38:55,463 --> 00:38:56,982 Sympathetic. 271 00:38:59,223 --> 00:39:00,703 I hate happiness. 272 00:39:02,542 --> 00:39:04,303 Happy people. 273 00:39:04,464 --> 00:39:06,183 They look so... 274 00:39:08,464 --> 00:39:09,825 luckily. 275 00:39:16,186 --> 00:39:18,548 What do you see when you look at me? 276 00:39:26,348 --> 00:39:29,469 Are you laughing? Funny. Are you feeling better now? 277 00:39:29,629 --> 00:39:33,868 Come on. We're not going to do any deep psychological analysis, okay? 278 00:39:34,028 --> 00:39:37,350 I just asked what you see when you look at me. 279 00:39:37,510 --> 00:39:39,670 What do you want me to see? -What do you see? 280 00:39:46,074 --> 00:39:48,031 I only see flaws. 281 00:39:50,231 --> 00:39:54,791 What isn't there, but should be there, a history, a past. 282 00:39:55,552 --> 00:39:56,794 A failed past. 283 00:39:56,953 --> 00:39:59,515 Yes, maybe. A failed past. 284 00:39:59,675 --> 00:40:02,395 A failed story. -You can see that. 285 00:40:02,555 --> 00:40:06,116 Isn't that right? We're a failed story. 286 00:40:07,919 --> 00:40:10,514 I'm sorry I can't see it any other way. 287 00:40:27,361 --> 00:40:29,523 Did you know I'm writing a book? 288 00:40:32,599 --> 00:40:34,440 A book? 289 00:40:35,721 --> 00:40:37,439 Are you writing a book? -Yes. 290 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:39,161 What kind of book? 291 00:40:41,483 --> 00:40:43,045 Just a book. 292 00:40:44,243 --> 00:40:46,804 A journalistic book, or? -No! 293 00:40:46,964 --> 00:40:48,363 So it's fiction. -Well... 294 00:40:51,684 --> 00:40:54,003 No! Partly, but... 295 00:40:56,765 --> 00:40:59,244 I didn't know you had such ambitions. 296 00:41:03,287 --> 00:41:05,607 Want to know what it's about? 297 00:41:07,687 --> 00:41:12,328 Okay, it's about a man. 298 00:41:12,488 --> 00:41:17,209 You could say it's me, or partly me, or whatever. 299 00:41:17,369 --> 00:41:19,567 But it's about a man... 300 00:41:20,729 --> 00:41:23,610 And it's about a boy. -I don't want to know. 301 00:41:24,891 --> 00:41:29,491 And one morning the man wakes up and notices... 302 00:41:29,611 --> 00:41:31,252 that he does not... 303 00:41:33,893 --> 00:41:35,891 I said: I don't want to know. 304 00:41:43,372 --> 00:41:47,855 I want to tell my side of the story. -What makes you think... 305 00:41:48,014 --> 00:41:51,136 to write about something so private? 306 00:41:52,976 --> 00:41:55,016 The world is full of them. -Oh, my God. 307 00:41:55,176 --> 00:41:57,138 Will it now become world literature? 308 00:41:57,298 --> 00:42:01,778 I understand you're being cynical about it. -I'm not. 309 00:42:01,938 --> 00:42:06,937 I think it's sad. Isn't it pathetic to parade your grief like that ? 310 00:42:07,057 --> 00:42:09,498 I just want to give it its proper place. 311 00:42:09,659 --> 00:42:15,700 Its proper place. Why do we have to give everything in life its proper place? 312 00:42:17,821 --> 00:42:19,739 To be able to close the book... 313 00:42:20,540 --> 00:42:22,581 and put it in the closet. 314 00:42:23,982 --> 00:42:27,703 My life is not a book that you can put on a shelf. 315 00:42:27,862 --> 00:42:30,782 When I'm dead, maybe. Maybe then, yeah. 316 00:42:30,941 --> 00:42:33,865 So you'd rather be your sadness? -Yeah, maybe. 317 00:42:34,024 --> 00:42:39,586 Better that than selling it to someone who will pay 15 euros for it, if you're lucky. 318 00:42:45,344 --> 00:42:47,225 Isn't that from his bike? 319 00:42:52,306 --> 00:42:54,550 Do you want to know that for your book? 320 00:42:56,110 --> 00:42:59,669 A fun little anecdote about your crazy ex. 321 00:43:01,392 --> 00:43:04,428 I have a few more, though, with juicy details. 322 00:43:05,308 --> 00:43:07,110 Always good for sales. 323 00:43:07,271 --> 00:43:10,351 I didn't expect you to be happy about it. 324 00:43:10,511 --> 00:43:11,950 Okay. -Yes. 325 00:43:13,151 --> 00:43:15,833 But in a sense... 326 00:43:17,234 --> 00:43:19,393 I will write it for you too. 327 00:43:20,234 --> 00:43:22,875 Or at least for us. 328 00:43:27,433 --> 00:43:28,513 Okay. 329 00:43:29,434 --> 00:43:30,515 Tell me. 330 00:43:34,635 --> 00:43:37,317 What is 'us' then? 331 00:43:38,919 --> 00:43:41,517 What are we, the two of us, in your eyes? 332 00:43:44,559 --> 00:43:46,237 We are... 333 00:43:47,756 --> 00:43:51,439 a man and a woman who have lost a child. 334 00:43:53,598 --> 00:43:59,001 Or maybe I should say, who lost a child first... 335 00:44:00,361 --> 00:44:01,961 and then each other. 336 00:44:02,682 --> 00:44:06,163 or who lost a child and then themselves... 337 00:44:08,324 --> 00:44:09,762 and then each other. 338 00:44:14,802 --> 00:44:16,722 Yeah. That's a whole... 339 00:44:17,404 --> 00:44:20,485 clear and concise summary of us, yes. 340 00:44:27,607 --> 00:44:30,808 If you only feel sad when you think of someone... 341 00:44:30,968 --> 00:44:36,487 when you think of someone you loved so incredibly much... 342 00:44:36,646 --> 00:44:41,369 and if nothing comes to take the place of that sadness... 343 00:44:43,008 --> 00:44:46,850 aren't you doing something incredibly wrong? 344 00:44:47,531 --> 00:44:49,169 I am sad. 345 00:44:50,051 --> 00:44:54,811 I'm entitled to that. I lost a child. We lost a child. 346 00:44:54,971 --> 00:44:58,452 Then you have the right to grieve. -Suppose you still had a child. 347 00:44:58,611 --> 00:45:03,332 Would he then have to deal with grieving parents his whole life ? 348 00:45:03,491 --> 00:45:06,654 Just because they think they are entitled to it? 349 00:45:06,814 --> 00:45:09,654 I don't have another child. -Yes, but suppose. 350 00:45:11,294 --> 00:45:12,296 Yes. 351 00:45:12,856 --> 00:45:17,614 Remember when someone said we should get a new one? 352 00:45:17,774 --> 00:45:19,496 A new one 353 00:45:20,336 --> 00:45:23,417 As if they were talking about a cat. 354 00:45:24,256 --> 00:45:26,136 Maybe we should have done that. 355 00:45:27,137 --> 00:45:31,019 Yeah, I mean, will it get better if you don't continue? No! 356 00:45:31,179 --> 00:45:34,060 Will things get better if you continue? 357 00:45:34,981 --> 00:45:36,783 It's worth a try, right? 358 00:45:41,458 --> 00:45:42,980 You are a father. 359 00:45:44,500 --> 00:45:47,421 You're the father of another child, aren't you? 360 00:45:48,742 --> 00:45:50,784 What difference does that make? 361 00:45:50,944 --> 00:45:54,263 Are you the father of another child? -What difference does it make? 362 00:45:54,424 --> 00:45:56,744 Is it a boy or a girl? - I don't have another child. 363 00:46:01,303 --> 00:46:02,625 Not yet. 364 00:46:05,664 --> 00:46:07,143 Val is pregnant. -Val? 365 00:46:07,303 --> 00:46:10,186 Yes. That's her name. Valerie. Val. 366 00:46:10,347 --> 00:46:11,909 Her name is Valerie. -Yes. 367 00:46:12,068 --> 00:46:13,667 And Valerie is pregnant? -Yes. 368 00:46:14,707 --> 00:46:15,947 Yours? -Yes. 369 00:46:16,827 --> 00:46:18,067 How old is she? 370 00:46:22,226 --> 00:46:24,829 What does that matter? -Young, of course. 371 00:46:26,109 --> 00:46:28,667 Young. Optimistic. 372 00:46:30,269 --> 00:46:33,192 Happy. Your mother must love her. 373 00:46:33,351 --> 00:46:37,952 God, you're so bitter. -Yeah, how come? 374 00:46:38,113 --> 00:46:43,148 You think you're the only one in pain. The only one with hurt or sadness. 375 00:46:43,309 --> 00:46:47,194 Everything was always your story, your drama, your suffering, your loss. 376 00:46:47,314 --> 00:46:49,993 As if I had nothing to do with it. Absolutely nothing. 377 00:46:50,152 --> 00:46:53,354 You didn't see him get run over. You weren't there. 378 00:46:53,515 --> 00:46:56,715 No, I didn't see it happen. I wasn't there. 379 00:46:56,875 --> 00:47:00,116 I was sitting in the editorial office typing some bullshit story. 380 00:47:00,276 --> 00:47:05,555 No, I didn't see it happen, but I felt it. I feel it. 381 00:47:05,715 --> 00:47:06,915 I feel it... 382 00:47:07,557 --> 00:47:09,118 Here. 383 00:49:44,988 --> 00:49:49,227 When I first came to the Netherlands, I did a lot of running. 384 00:49:50,829 --> 00:49:54,669 To ease the pain, that awful pain you feel... 385 00:49:56,191 --> 00:49:58,190 in your stomach and your chest. 386 00:49:59,711 --> 00:50:04,032 I ran for miles and had no idea where I was going. 387 00:50:07,032 --> 00:50:09,232 I put one foot in front of the other. 388 00:50:12,472 --> 00:50:16,275 But luckily, at the end of the journey... 389 00:50:17,594 --> 00:50:20,115 a young woman was waiting... 390 00:50:23,113 --> 00:50:27,155 and she opened her arms and took you into her beautiful home. 391 00:50:28,635 --> 00:50:29,676 No and... 392 00:50:31,277 --> 00:50:33,115 then you knew you had come home. 393 00:50:33,716 --> 00:50:36,198 And after years and years of running... 394 00:50:37,199 --> 00:50:40,237 you were finally where you needed to be. 395 00:50:40,398 --> 00:50:41,839 At home. 396 00:50:41,999 --> 00:50:43,560 At Valerie's. 397 00:50:50,922 --> 00:50:52,720 And before you knew it... 398 00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:59,281 your beautiful, happy wife was expecting. 399 00:50:59,722 --> 00:51:02,643 And then you suddenly thought: Wait a minute. 400 00:51:02,763 --> 00:51:05,445 I used to have a son somewhere, long ago... 401 00:51:06,002 --> 00:51:09,404 who was tragically run over by a motorist... 402 00:51:09,564 --> 00:51:12,925 who tore through the street at 80 km/h. 403 00:51:18,045 --> 00:51:22,885 Yes, it was sad, but you know, luckily life goes on. 404 00:51:31,647 --> 00:51:34,528 And in that gray brain... 405 00:51:34,687 --> 00:51:37,247 then a brilliant idea emerged. 406 00:51:37,768 --> 00:51:40,451 I'm going to write a book about it. 407 00:51:40,612 --> 00:51:46,171 Yes, a book about me and my son and how difficult it all was. 408 00:51:46,332 --> 00:51:48,934 Even if you had to dig deep into your memory... 409 00:51:49,095 --> 00:51:52,651 because you almost forgot how it all happened. 410 00:52:01,295 --> 00:52:07,055 But maybe I, your pathetic ex-wife, can help you out a little with the details... 411 00:52:07,174 --> 00:52:11,175 because for me it never went away, never. 412 00:52:12,974 --> 00:52:14,576 Any moment... 413 00:52:16,296 --> 00:52:17,938 every detail... 414 00:52:19,256 --> 00:52:20,537 everything... 415 00:52:21,417 --> 00:52:22,458 everything... 416 00:52:23,339 --> 00:52:26,060 everything is stored in this head. 417 00:52:26,780 --> 00:52:28,620 Perfectly preserved. 418 00:52:41,781 --> 00:52:43,262 Sorry. 419 00:53:00,505 --> 00:53:02,623 You're angry because I left. I get that. 420 00:53:02,635 --> 00:53:03,345 Yes. 421 00:53:04,305 --> 00:53:06,627 You left me. That's a fact. 422 00:53:11,988 --> 00:53:17,346 Yes, I left on New Year's Eve at 7:10, with two suitcases. 423 00:53:19,830 --> 00:53:21,909 That's a fact. -Yes. 424 00:53:22,068 --> 00:53:25,429 Let's go over all those facts again , shall we? 425 00:53:26,350 --> 00:53:28,629 Do you remember what I was wearing? 426 00:53:29,310 --> 00:53:32,392 What kind of weather was it? -A red sweater. 427 00:53:35,391 --> 00:53:37,151 Memory for details. 428 00:53:38,834 --> 00:53:43,353 I'd almost say a writer's memory. -Should I apologize again? 429 00:53:43,992 --> 00:53:45,715 Do you want that? -I'm sorry. 430 00:53:45,874 --> 00:53:49,035 Well, very noble. You're sorry. Are you sorry? 431 00:53:49,195 --> 00:53:51,675 Of what? -You didn't do anything. 432 00:53:51,795 --> 00:53:54,756 That's right, I didn't do anything. -Indeed. 433 00:53:54,917 --> 00:53:58,318 What are you trying to say? -I left on New Year's Eve... 434 00:53:58,438 --> 00:54:00,918 7:10, two suitcases in my hand. 435 00:54:01,079 --> 00:54:04,317 You didn't come after me, you didn't try to stop me. 436 00:54:04,998 --> 00:54:07,160 Bravo. You did nothing. 437 00:54:07,917 --> 00:54:11,438 It's incredible how you turn things around. Still. 438 00:54:11,599 --> 00:54:15,160 I can't believe how much you wallow in self-pity. 439 00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:18,160 You don't know what you're talking about. 440 00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:21,643 Not a word from you in 10 years. 441 00:54:22,084 --> 00:54:24,083 And then this. -Then what? 442 00:54:24,242 --> 00:54:25,161 And... 443 00:54:27,201 --> 00:54:28,122 it. 444 00:54:29,323 --> 00:54:32,762 I had hoped that things had changed. 445 00:54:33,643 --> 00:54:35,845 I was hoping you had changed. 446 00:54:36,525 --> 00:54:38,964 And you? -I've changed. 447 00:54:40,365 --> 00:54:43,046 I've changed a lot. -Me too. 448 00:54:44,849 --> 00:54:46,364 In some things... 449 00:54:50,526 --> 00:54:53,646 I have come to terms with what happened to me. 450 00:54:53,805 --> 00:54:55,327 Sorry. Ons. 451 00:54:57,610 --> 00:55:00,609 I'm not saying I accept it or understand it... 452 00:55:00,769 --> 00:55:04,651 but I've come to terms with the fact that this is my life. 453 00:55:04,770 --> 00:55:06,730 I do things, you know. 454 00:55:06,890 --> 00:55:09,088 I have friends, I have a job. 455 00:55:10,249 --> 00:55:14,211 I go to the cinema, I take my students to the museum. 456 00:55:14,330 --> 00:55:15,971 It's all very normal. 457 00:55:16,972 --> 00:55:19,133 Like a normal life, I mean. 458 00:55:22,573 --> 00:55:24,175 I stand up. 459 00:55:25,814 --> 00:55:27,454 I am having breakfast. 460 00:55:28,454 --> 00:55:30,213 I read the newspaper. 461 00:55:32,094 --> 00:55:35,094 I can talk about things that are happening in the world. 462 00:55:35,255 --> 00:55:39,097 I'm in. I'm doing my best. 463 00:55:41,178 --> 00:55:42,817 I'm in. 464 00:55:45,617 --> 00:55:50,580 Do you just want to continue like this for the rest of your life? 465 00:55:54,339 --> 00:55:57,699 I don't understand you. Why do you have to understand me? 466 00:55:57,859 --> 00:56:01,901 Because we have a past together. We share a history, 467 00:56:02,061 --> 00:56:05,382 Which will never go away, no matter how hard we try. 468 00:56:05,541 --> 00:56:09,902 I want to draw a line under this. I want to draw a line under this together. 469 00:56:10,022 --> 00:56:12,304 Draw a line under it? -Yes. 470 00:56:13,502 --> 00:56:17,184 You're really good with metaphors, aren't you? I mean it. 471 00:56:18,541 --> 00:56:20,463 To draw a line under it. 472 00:56:22,304 --> 00:56:25,305 I can really tell that you are a writer. 473 00:56:27,027 --> 00:56:30,226 Weird. I thought being a writer was something... 474 00:56:30,385 --> 00:56:33,908 what you had inside you all your life, what you couldn't ignore. 475 00:56:34,028 --> 00:56:36,146 I didn't know you... 476 00:56:36,307 --> 00:56:39,908 after the age of 50 you could still discover that you were a writer. 477 00:56:40,909 --> 00:56:44,468 But it's good to know it's still possible. That even I... 478 00:56:44,589 --> 00:56:48,670 That something can still become something. That I can still discover that. 479 00:56:50,471 --> 00:56:53,510 What are you going to do? -I'm going. 480 00:56:54,151 --> 00:56:57,710 Maybe you can do something different for a change. 481 00:56:57,871 --> 00:57:02,394 When I drove here I thought of... 482 00:57:03,553 --> 00:57:08,192 you. I thought about when we met 20 years ago. 483 00:57:08,352 --> 00:57:13,394 I remembered you had a little dimple in your cheek here. 484 00:57:13,553 --> 00:57:15,955 Right here, when you laughed and... 485 00:57:17,558 --> 00:57:20,755 I wanted to say that I remembered that. 486 00:57:20,914 --> 00:57:25,597 I wanted to say how much I loved that memory... 487 00:57:25,757 --> 00:57:28,316 of you when you laughed. 488 00:57:30,518 --> 00:57:32,400 Yep, there it is. 489 01:00:36,953 --> 01:00:39,554 I couldn't start the car. 490 01:00:42,834 --> 01:00:47,516 Well, he wanted to start, but I couldn't. 491 01:00:48,559 --> 01:00:49,880 Do you know that feeling? 492 01:00:56,798 --> 01:01:01,039 I ran into the manager. I showed him the letter, and he said... 493 01:01:01,198 --> 01:01:03,279 that they indeed... 494 01:01:03,439 --> 01:01:07,359 They were clearing some graves, but they were old... 495 01:01:07,518 --> 01:01:11,721 from the early 1900s and that they... 496 01:01:12,562 --> 01:01:15,842 There was a piece about it in the local paper. 497 01:01:16,001 --> 01:01:18,480 It gave him sleepless nights, he said. 498 01:01:20,279 --> 01:01:22,082 You hate me, don't you? 499 01:01:25,563 --> 01:01:28,284 No! If you don't hate me, what then? 500 01:01:28,723 --> 01:01:31,725 You want me to say I still love you... 501 01:01:31,886 --> 01:01:34,485 so you can say: 502 01:01:34,645 --> 01:01:36,084 Don't know. 503 01:01:37,246 --> 01:01:39,248 Am I like that? -Yes. 504 01:01:40,126 --> 01:01:42,085 I don't want to be like that. 505 01:02:28,174 --> 01:02:29,214 Yes. 506 01:02:57,821 --> 01:03:00,023 Want to go somewhere else? 507 01:03:00,583 --> 01:03:01,743 Are you sure? 508 01:03:02,382 --> 01:03:04,140 I can take you, you know. 509 01:03:08,026 --> 01:03:12,144 Do you want to go to your house? -No! Not to my house. 510 01:03:12,304 --> 01:03:14,263 What are you going to do then? 511 01:03:15,784 --> 01:03:17,903 I just want to stay here. -Okay. 512 01:03:28,629 --> 01:03:32,347 I want you to say that everything will be okay in the end. 513 01:03:32,507 --> 01:03:34,548 Everything will be okay in the end. 514 01:03:35,190 --> 01:03:36,149 Yes. 515 01:03:37,187 --> 01:03:38,946 On my deathbed, probably. 516 01:03:40,186 --> 01:03:42,310 Is that funny? -Yeah, damn funny. 517 01:03:44,913 --> 01:03:45,872 Yes. 518 01:03:52,473 --> 01:03:54,751 Sometimes I feel like... 519 01:04:00,352 --> 01:04:04,955 that my head is full of all kinds of things that I can't... 520 01:04:07,155 --> 01:04:08,836 Can't forget, right? 521 01:04:09,596 --> 01:04:12,155 That I mustn't forget. -Yes. 522 01:04:18,518 --> 01:04:19,477 Thank you. 523 01:04:20,679 --> 01:04:22,877 I remember walking into the hospital... 524 01:04:23,038 --> 01:04:25,479 through the glass doors, the sliding doors... 525 01:04:26,317 --> 01:04:29,439 and it looked like a supermarket. 526 01:04:31,519 --> 01:04:35,560 There was a restaurant in the foyer, with tables and chairs... 527 01:04:35,719 --> 01:04:38,399 and we said that we there... 528 01:04:38,559 --> 01:04:41,122 in a week we would be sitting with Jacob... 529 01:04:42,121 --> 01:04:45,762 and eat ice cream or whatever. 530 01:04:52,964 --> 01:04:53,925 Do you remember? 531 01:04:57,525 --> 01:04:58,486 Yes. 532 01:05:01,364 --> 01:05:03,525 He is there every step of the way. 533 01:05:05,125 --> 01:05:06,967 He is there, everywhere. 534 01:05:14,929 --> 01:05:18,209 Sometimes I see a man with a boy on the back of his bike... 535 01:05:18,329 --> 01:05:21,368 or playing football in the park or swimming in the sea. 536 01:05:21,527 --> 01:05:25,009 And then I think: Am I that man, is he that boy? 537 01:05:27,571 --> 01:05:28,532 You know. 538 01:05:31,411 --> 01:05:34,131 Will it stay this way forever? 539 01:05:36,053 --> 01:05:37,932 What's the point of continuing? 540 01:05:47,774 --> 01:05:49,614 It's not raining anymore. 541 01:05:52,374 --> 01:05:54,255 Fancy a walk? 542 01:05:56,417 --> 01:05:57,737 Yeah. -Okay. 543 01:06:23,942 --> 01:06:26,425 Do you remember I asked you: 544 01:06:28,900 --> 01:06:31,502 Do you think such things have any meaning? 545 01:06:32,261 --> 01:06:36,461 And you looked at me like I was crazy. 546 01:06:37,263 --> 01:06:42,224 And you said that these kinds of things have no point, no reason. 547 01:06:42,385 --> 01:06:47,466 These things just happen. They happen by chance. 548 01:06:48,306 --> 01:06:50,666 That was your position. And... 549 01:06:51,666 --> 01:06:53,467 that position that... 550 01:06:54,346 --> 01:06:58,867 sucked me down, leaving me unable to breathe. 551 01:06:59,027 --> 01:07:02,030 Yeah, I'm sorry. That's just the way I am. 552 01:07:02,989 --> 01:07:05,069 I don't believe that. 553 01:07:06,751 --> 01:07:09,869 Sometimes I see people who have been through something much worse... 554 01:07:10,029 --> 01:07:11,989 and learned to live with it. 555 01:07:13,711 --> 01:07:16,150 And they say they are happy. 556 01:07:16,791 --> 01:07:19,191 And I see them being happy. 557 01:07:19,992 --> 01:07:21,752 Then I wonder... 558 01:07:22,633 --> 01:07:25,873 What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me? 559 01:07:26,913 --> 01:07:28,834 Do you understand that? -Yes. 560 01:07:31,996 --> 01:07:33,834 Why did you leave? 561 01:07:33,994 --> 01:07:35,795 Why that evening? 562 01:07:39,755 --> 01:07:41,316 I just couldn't do it. 563 01:07:42,236 --> 01:07:44,277 I couldn't handle it. 564 01:07:47,436 --> 01:07:51,238 Happy New Year. Counting down to 12 o'clock. 565 01:07:54,000 --> 01:07:57,320 Raise your glass, look at you. Hug you. 566 01:07:58,559 --> 01:07:59,918 I just couldn't do it. 567 01:08:00,919 --> 01:08:04,963 I still remember the door closing with a soft click. Just like that. 568 01:08:06,360 --> 01:08:09,802 Like going to work or going grocery shopping... 569 01:08:09,962 --> 01:08:12,083 as if you would be right back. 570 01:08:13,682 --> 01:08:15,484 And then the car started. 571 01:08:16,281 --> 01:08:20,404 I counted, 30 seconds until the car drove away. 572 01:08:21,484 --> 01:08:23,766 30 seconds to change your mind. 573 01:08:25,084 --> 01:08:30,728 I kept counting, 15 seconds, until the sound of the car was gone. 574 01:08:31,528 --> 01:08:34,767 I looked at the clock, 7:10. 575 01:08:41,928 --> 01:08:44,888 You're right. I didn't do anything. 576 01:08:47,049 --> 01:08:48,769 I just let you go. 577 01:08:49,649 --> 01:08:52,691 With two suitcases in your hands on New Year's Eve. 578 01:08:59,855 --> 01:09:01,173 It was... 579 01:09:01,931 --> 01:09:05,493 So hard to drive away. So damn hard. 580 01:09:05,651 --> 01:09:08,931 At every intersection I thought: go back, go back. 581 01:09:10,333 --> 01:09:12,975 At every traffic light: go back, go back. 582 01:09:14,295 --> 01:09:17,174 But I couldn't. I just couldn't. 583 01:09:21,018 --> 01:09:24,574 I sat by the window all evening. In the dark. 584 01:09:26,896 --> 01:09:31,296 And I kept thinking about the last moments with Jacob in the hospital. 585 01:09:33,098 --> 01:09:36,618 You on one side of his bed and me on the other... 586 01:09:38,020 --> 01:09:41,781 and someone said: We're going to disconnect him now. 587 01:09:44,898 --> 01:09:46,619 How long do we have left? 588 01:09:47,741 --> 01:09:49,421 A few minutes. 589 01:09:50,182 --> 01:09:51,779 A quarter of an hour. 590 01:09:54,543 --> 01:09:58,383 And I thought, this is not the time to cry. 591 01:09:58,542 --> 01:10:00,663 So I held him tight. 592 01:10:03,345 --> 01:10:06,102 For the first time in weeks, I held him tightly. 593 01:10:07,543 --> 01:10:10,786 Without any tubes attached to his body. Without that... 594 01:10:12,145 --> 01:10:17,187 The sucking sound of the ventilator. The beeping of the monitor. 595 01:10:20,267 --> 01:10:22,266 Just him and me. 596 01:10:25,270 --> 01:10:28,388 I felt his chest rise and fall... 597 01:10:29,589 --> 01:10:31,470 and his fingers in my... 598 01:10:32,707 --> 01:10:35,469 Warm blood, beating blood. 599 01:10:38,512 --> 01:10:40,031 Just me and him. 600 01:10:42,031 --> 01:10:43,911 The world stood still. 601 01:10:45,672 --> 01:10:48,033 Somehow it was a complete moment. 602 01:10:50,431 --> 01:10:51,674 Me and him. 603 01:10:54,234 --> 01:10:55,592 9 minutes. 604 01:10:56,992 --> 01:10:59,715 In the end it was 9 minutes. 605 01:11:15,678 --> 01:11:18,198 How did you come up with the idea for that letter? 606 01:11:20,438 --> 01:11:23,158 Well, there was something in the paper about... 607 01:11:23,319 --> 01:11:26,561 the clearing of old graves and all the fuss about it. 608 01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:32,361 And that from the ground? 609 01:11:32,522 --> 01:11:35,121 That was at the old gas factory. 610 01:11:35,282 --> 01:11:37,962 Those two things were on the same page. 611 01:11:41,803 --> 01:11:44,123 I know you think I'm crazy. -Yes. 612 01:11:45,002 --> 01:11:45,963 Yes. 613 01:11:49,205 --> 01:11:52,925 Did you get help? You didn't want it, but did you seek it? 614 01:11:53,086 --> 01:11:55,208 I've been everywhere. 615 01:11:55,368 --> 01:11:57,405 Psychologists. Therapists. 616 01:11:58,485 --> 01:12:02,086 They all said the same thing. Yes, it's hard. 617 01:12:02,246 --> 01:12:04,605 Yes, it will never be the same again. 618 01:12:06,127 --> 01:12:07,087 Yes. 619 01:12:15,251 --> 01:12:19,088 I want to be happy again. Is that too much to ask? 620 01:12:19,648 --> 01:12:21,490 No, I don't think so. 621 01:12:22,889 --> 01:12:24,808 I want someone to save me. 622 01:12:27,891 --> 01:12:30,854 That's not how it works. -That's easy for you to say. 623 01:12:31,015 --> 01:12:32,653 You are saved. 624 01:12:33,333 --> 01:12:36,735 You have a new wife and soon a new child. 625 01:12:49,497 --> 01:12:52,819 Do you want to know what really saved me? -Yes. 626 01:12:56,338 --> 01:12:58,178 Yes. Are you sure? 627 01:12:59,738 --> 01:13:02,175 Promise you won't laugh. 628 01:13:02,336 --> 01:13:03,658 Promise me. I won't laugh. 629 01:13:03,818 --> 01:13:04,940 Promise me. -I promise. 630 01:13:05,099 --> 01:13:05,980 Okay. 631 01:13:12,181 --> 01:13:13,862 I went to sing. 632 01:13:20,704 --> 01:13:23,220 You said... It's funny. You said you... Okay. 633 01:13:23,381 --> 01:13:25,302 It's funny, isn't it? No, it is funny. 634 01:13:25,462 --> 01:13:27,824 Say you joined a church choir. 635 01:13:29,422 --> 01:13:31,904 Well, it's a choir. It's a choir. 636 01:13:32,944 --> 01:13:34,265 It's a choir. 637 01:13:36,226 --> 01:13:39,666 I think it's great that you are in a choir. 638 01:13:40,187 --> 01:13:43,667 That's nice of you. Okay, so, I... 639 01:13:44,748 --> 01:13:46,787 We rehearse at a school. 640 01:13:46,948 --> 01:13:50,586 And one day... This is really true. 641 01:13:51,667 --> 01:13:54,949 One day I was very early for rehearsal. I stood there... 642 01:13:55,110 --> 01:13:57,349 waiting for the others. 643 01:13:57,509 --> 01:14:01,511 And I heard this man singing... 644 01:14:02,991 --> 01:14:07,510 and he had a beautiful voice. 645 01:14:10,230 --> 01:14:15,033 A voice that makes you tremble. That goes right through you. 646 01:14:15,713 --> 01:14:20,353 And it was like I was singing it myself, you know? 647 01:14:20,513 --> 01:14:21,955 It was... 648 01:14:22,115 --> 01:14:24,393 And suddenly I thought... 649 01:14:26,476 --> 01:14:28,035 what if this is it? 650 01:14:29,153 --> 01:14:33,916 Okay? What if there's nothing better, nothing more beautiful... 651 01:14:35,396 --> 01:14:40,636 Then this comes along. What if this is it? 652 01:14:42,958 --> 01:14:47,198 Okay? And I... -That sounds terrible. 653 01:14:47,358 --> 01:14:49,041 No, but... 654 01:14:50,880 --> 01:14:54,240 It would be a relief, wouldn't it? In a way. I mean... 655 01:14:54,999 --> 01:14:55,960 not... 656 01:14:56,800 --> 01:15:00,320 wanting something different, expecting nothing different. 657 01:15:00,480 --> 01:15:03,524 This is it. -That's absurd. 658 01:15:03,684 --> 01:15:08,203 Happy because there's nothing left. No more expectations. 659 01:15:08,363 --> 01:15:12,607 It would be reassuring, wouldn't it? -But not very hopeful. 660 01:15:14,723 --> 01:15:17,244 What do you want? Hope or peace? 661 01:15:20,601 --> 01:15:21,562 Both. 662 01:15:26,008 --> 01:15:29,169 You heard that man sing and thought: 663 01:15:29,327 --> 01:15:33,329 What if everything stays as it is now? 664 01:15:33,488 --> 01:15:35,485 Yes. -What then? 665 01:15:35,645 --> 01:15:39,609 Then I was just... I was at peace, you know? 666 01:15:42,288 --> 01:15:43,567 Yes. 667 01:15:45,370 --> 01:15:47,252 I don't believe that. 668 01:15:47,413 --> 01:15:51,572 It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not. It happened. 669 01:15:55,172 --> 01:15:56,572 I hate that. 670 01:15:57,450 --> 01:16:01,254 These kind of stories just happen to some people. 671 01:16:02,055 --> 01:16:06,214 Stories that don't make sense, that you can't repeat yourself. 672 01:16:09,894 --> 01:16:13,215 The idea that you have to see the light first. 673 01:16:14,776 --> 01:16:18,097 Only no one ever tells you how to do that. 674 01:16:23,737 --> 01:16:26,818 Do you sing often? -About once a week. 675 01:16:28,338 --> 01:16:30,259 And you? -No! 676 01:16:32,698 --> 01:16:34,460 You always sang for him. 677 01:16:35,140 --> 01:16:36,581 Did you know? -Yes. 678 01:16:36,742 --> 01:16:38,901 When he was a baby. -Yes. 679 01:16:41,218 --> 01:16:43,141 And also in the hospital. 680 01:16:44,702 --> 01:16:46,581 Did I sing in the hospital? -Yes. 681 01:16:47,661 --> 01:16:48,583 Yes. 682 01:16:49,623 --> 01:16:51,385 Do you remember? 683 01:16:52,382 --> 01:16:54,383 On the day he died. 684 01:16:55,264 --> 01:16:56,225 In... 685 01:16:57,105 --> 01:17:00,345 I held you and you held him... 686 01:17:01,907 --> 01:17:05,824 You had pressed your lips against his forehead and I saw your lips moving. 687 01:17:05,944 --> 01:17:09,107 And you sang for him and... 688 01:17:10,588 --> 01:17:13,227 I couldn't hear what it was, but... 689 01:17:14,067 --> 01:17:15,507 Don't you remember? 690 01:17:16,668 --> 01:17:18,629 Are you sure? -Yes. 691 01:17:18,789 --> 01:17:20,909 Yes, yes. 692 01:17:29,190 --> 01:17:30,469 How are you? 693 01:17:30,630 --> 01:17:32,992 Yes, I want to get out of here. 694 01:17:34,391 --> 01:17:35,350 Not? 695 01:17:36,593 --> 01:17:39,352 Yes, now. -Right now? 696 01:17:39,991 --> 01:17:42,672 Right now. -Because of what I just said. 697 01:17:42,832 --> 01:17:45,437 No, no, it's... 698 01:17:45,597 --> 01:17:48,234 It's because of everything today. Everything. 699 01:17:49,234 --> 01:17:52,073 I just want to get out of here. I want to go home. 700 01:17:52,954 --> 01:17:57,676 Do you want me to take you? - No, I just want to go home. 701 01:17:58,356 --> 01:17:59,318 Okay. 702 01:18:04,156 --> 01:18:06,278 I don't want to leave you like this. 703 01:18:06,399 --> 01:18:08,317 I'm so sorry, Lucas. 704 01:18:08,438 --> 01:18:11,439 You have to believe me. I'm truly sorry. 705 01:18:11,599 --> 01:18:14,716 I don't want to leave you like this. -It's okay. 706 01:18:16,036 --> 01:18:18,919 Is there anything I can do for you? - No, nothing, thank you. 707 01:18:19,080 --> 01:18:21,803 No, nothing at all? -Maybe hold me.