1
00:01:05,521 --> 00:01:08,961
Lister, have you ever been hit
over the head with a welding mallet?
2
00:01:10,401 --> 00:01:12,601
No?
Shut up and push the trolley.
3
00:01:13,881 --> 00:01:15,241
Yes, sir, Rimmer!
4
00:01:16,001 --> 00:01:18,841
Right.
Corridor 159.
5
00:01:23,161 --> 00:01:24,761
Lister, shut up!
6
00:01:24,841 --> 00:01:27,001
- I'm only hummin'!
- Well, don't.
7
00:01:31,921 --> 00:01:33,601
Lister, don't hum and don't make
8
00:01:33,681 --> 00:01:35,401
any stupid sounds with your cheeks.
9
00:01:39,361 --> 00:01:41,241
Lister,
one more sound, anything,
10
00:01:41,321 --> 00:01:43,161
and you're on report, my laddo.
11
00:01:43,241 --> 00:01:44,441
What job number's this?
12
00:01:49,081 --> 00:01:53,241
Right. That's it!
Lister, D, Third Technician.
13
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:57,241
Offence, obstructing
a superior technician
14
00:01:57,321 --> 00:01:59,601
by humming,
clicking and being quiet.
15
00:02:01,641 --> 00:02:03,201
When the Captain sees this,
you're dead.
16
00:02:03,761 --> 00:02:05,001
Rimmer, I'm bored!
17
00:02:05,321 --> 00:02:08,001
Bored?
This is essential routine maintenance.
18
00:02:08,081 --> 00:02:10,721
It's absolutely vital
for the well-being of this crew,
19
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:12,521
this mission and this ship.
20
00:02:13,321 --> 00:02:17,561
Dispenser 172,
chicken soup nozzle clogged.
21
00:02:21,681 --> 00:02:23,321
Pass me a 14-B, Lister.
22
00:02:27,921 --> 00:02:29,961
Lister, is this a 14-B?
23
00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:32,801
Does it look even
remotely like a 14-B?
24
00:02:35,921 --> 00:02:38,001
This is a 14-B, Lister.
25
00:02:38,841 --> 00:02:40,881
This is a 14-F.
Are you blind?
26
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,801
- Who cares?
- I care, Lister!
27
00:02:48,241 --> 00:02:50,721
It's my career, Lister.
I'm the one who gets it in the neck
28
00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:53,161
if an officer comes along,
orders chicken soup,
29
00:02:53,281 --> 00:02:55,721
and gets blackcurrant cordial
with blancmange,
30
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:57,721
and two creams and a sugar.
31
00:02:59,761 --> 00:03:01,201
Chicken soup.
32
00:03:08,561 --> 00:03:10,481
Yup.
That's working.
33
00:03:11,121 --> 00:03:13,361
It's stupid anyway,
all this maintenance business.
34
00:03:13,441 --> 00:03:16,201
The only reason they don't give
this job to the service robots
35
00:03:16,281 --> 00:03:18,481
is they've got
a better union than us.
36
00:03:18,561 --> 00:03:20,601
Lister,
that is absolute nonsense.
37
00:03:21,521 --> 00:03:22,721
Right.
What's next?
38
00:03:22,801 --> 00:03:24,521
Botanical gardens,
faulty porous circuit.
39
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:27,521
And corridor 147, sticking door.
40
00:03:29,281 --> 00:03:30,721
It's true, you know,
though, Rimmer.
41
00:03:30,801 --> 00:03:33,361
You rank below all four
of those service robots,
42
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,281
even the one that's
gone absolutely mad.
43
00:03:35,641 --> 00:03:38,641
Well, Lister, not for long, matey.
Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!
44
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,561
Not until you pass
your engineer's exam.
45
00:03:40,641 --> 00:03:43,401
You won't do that because
you'lljust go in there and flunk again.
46
00:03:43,481 --> 00:03:45,361
Lister, last time I only failed
47
00:03:45,441 --> 00:03:47,361
by the narrowest
of narrow margins.
48
00:03:47,601 --> 00:03:52,401
You what? You walked in there,
wrote, "I am a fish" 400 times,
49
00:03:52,481 --> 00:03:54,521
did a funny little dance and fainted.
50
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:55,721
That's a total lie!
51
00:03:55,921 --> 00:03:57,561
No, it's not.
Petersen told me.
52
00:03:57,921 --> 00:03:59,681
No, it's not!
Petersen told me.
53
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,441
Lister, if you must know,
what I did was,
54
00:04:01,521 --> 00:04:05,121
I wrote a discourse on porous circuits,
which was simply too radical,
55
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:08,721
too unconventional, too mould-breaking
for the examiners to accept.
56
00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:10,561
Yeah.
You said you were a fish.
57
00:04:12,161 --> 00:04:13,881
Is that a cigarette
you're smoking, Lister?
58
00:04:13,961 --> 00:04:16,921
- No. It's a chicken.
- Right! You're on report.
59
00:04:17,001 --> 00:04:19,641
Two times in as many minutes, Lister.
I don't know.
60
00:04:20,281 --> 00:04:21,721
- Rimmer, Lister.
- Yes, sir.
61
00:04:21,801 --> 00:04:23,761
Yo, Todhunter, get down!
62
00:04:24,961 --> 00:04:27,921
Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just
going through McIntyre's artefacts
63
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:31,881
and I see that you've filed
247 complaints
64
00:04:31,961 --> 00:04:33,001
against Lister.
65
00:04:33,681 --> 00:04:34,801
Yes, sir!
66
00:04:35,081 --> 00:04:38,721
That's 123 counts
of insulting a superior technician,
67
00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:41,241
thirty-nine counts
of dereliction of duty,
68
00:04:41,321 --> 00:04:44,241
eighty-four counts of
general insubordination
69
00:04:44,321 --> 00:04:45,641
and one count of mutiny.
70
00:04:45,721 --> 00:04:47,001
Yes, sir!
71
00:04:47,081 --> 00:04:49,201
- Mutiny, Lister?
- I stood on his toe.
72
00:04:49,441 --> 00:04:50,961
Maliciously and
with intent to wound.
73
00:04:51,441 --> 00:04:53,881
- It was an accident!
- Lister, I put it to you,
74
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,201
how is it possible to stand
on one small toe by accident?
75
00:04:56,281 --> 00:04:58,841
You didn't stand on my toe at all,
you stood on my entire foot,
76
00:04:58,921 --> 00:05:01,721
thereby obstructing a superior
technician in pursuit of vital duty.
77
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,417
But the vital duty was that
he was going to snap my guitar in half!
78
00:05:04,441 --> 00:05:06,081
Whereupon you
leapt from the top bunk
79
00:05:06,161 --> 00:05:08,561
- onto the whole of my right foot.
- All right, that's enough.
80
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:09,921
Had there been
a crisis situation,
81
00:05:10,001 --> 00:05:11,777
I would have had to
perform my duties hopping.
82
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:14,481
Clearly putting the ship at risk,
clearly therefore mutiny.
83
00:05:14,561 --> 00:05:16,441
- Finished?
- However, I'm not a vindictive man,
84
00:05:16,481 --> 00:05:18,521
so I don't intend to apply
for the death penalty.
85
00:05:18,641 --> 00:05:20,681
There are 169 people
on board this ship.
86
00:05:20,761 --> 00:05:24,081
You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?
87
00:05:24,401 --> 00:05:27,441
You see, I try, sir.
I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.
88
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,281
I try and respect Rimmer and everything,
but it's not easy
89
00:05:30,361 --> 00:05:31,921
'cause he's such a smeghead.
90
00:05:33,161 --> 00:05:34,601
Did you hear that, sir?
91
00:05:34,681 --> 00:05:37,481
Lister, do you have any conception
of the penalty for describing
92
00:05:37,561 --> 00:05:39,361
a superior
technician as a smeghead?
93
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,121
Oh, Rimmer.
94
00:05:42,681 --> 00:05:43,681
You are a smeghead.
95
00:05:45,401 --> 00:05:47,457
You heard that!
With respect, sir, your career's over.
96
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,441
Todhunter,
you're finished, you big lig!
97
00:05:53,121 --> 00:05:54,641
We are all gathered here today
98
00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:57,481
to pay our last respects
to George McIntyre.
99
00:05:57,561 --> 00:05:59,321
George was an excellent officer
100
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,881
and as good a friend
as anyone could ever hope to have.
101
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:03,321
And he'll be missed more deeply
102
00:06:03,401 --> 00:06:05,521
and more completely than
he could ever know.
103
00:06:06,201 --> 00:06:09,641
I now commend his ashes
to the stars he loved so much.
104
00:06:11,601 --> 00:06:13,881
Goodbye, George.
We'll miss you.
105
00:06:19,641 --> 00:06:21,801
This is a piece of music
he specially requested.
106
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,361
Start the tape, please, Holly.
107
00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:31,041
There goes McIntyre.
108
00:06:33,641 --> 00:06:36,281
- Goodbye, George.
- That was George?
109
00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:39,001
Really? I thought it was Mary,
Queen of Scots!
110
00:06:39,681 --> 00:06:42,281
- Off!
- Hey, I was watching that!
111
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:43,961
Well, tough!
112
00:06:44,481 --> 00:06:46,001
You touch that guitar, Lister,
113
00:06:46,081 --> 00:06:48,361
I'll remove the E string
and garrotte you with it.
114
00:06:49,401 --> 00:06:51,682
Can I do anything?
Is it okay if I breathe? Can I breathe?
115
00:06:54,841 --> 00:06:57,601
Lister, I have an exam tomorrow,
which I intend to pass.
116
00:06:57,681 --> 00:06:59,081
I know, yeah. By cheatin'.
117
00:06:59,361 --> 00:07:03,121
This is not cheating!
It is merely an aid to memory.
118
00:07:03,201 --> 00:07:05,241
It helps me marshal the facts
already in my command.
119
00:07:05,361 --> 00:07:08,521
What? Copying the entire
textbooks onto your body?
120
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:11,441
Why don't you hand your body in
and let them mark that?
121
00:07:12,721 --> 00:07:14,001
Lister, do you think It Is easy
122
00:07:14,081 --> 00:07:15,761
for someone like me to
become an officer?
123
00:07:15,841 --> 00:07:17,881
Someone who wasn't
Academy educated?
124
00:07:17,961 --> 00:07:20,321
Someone who didn't have
the right nobby background?
125
00:07:20,401 --> 00:07:22,201
Someone who didn't have
the right parents?
126
00:07:22,481 --> 00:07:25,241
You didn't have the right parents?
Whose parents did you have?
127
00:07:26,481 --> 00:07:28,601
My parents.
The wrong parents.
128
00:07:28,681 --> 00:07:29,721
I'm just saying, you know,
129
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:32,001
if you can't pass fair and square,
why bother?
130
00:07:32,601 --> 00:07:35,081
Well, you would, Lister,
because you've no ambition, no drive.
131
00:07:35,161 --> 00:07:37,601
You're perfectly content
to be the lowest rank on the ship.
132
00:07:37,921 --> 00:07:39,721
I'm not the lowest rank
on this ship.
133
00:07:39,801 --> 00:07:41,641
What about the laboratory mice?
134
00:07:42,241 --> 00:07:44,657
Tell those mice to do something
and they've got to jump to it.
135
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:46,161
Yes, Mr Lister, sir!
136
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,401
Lister, you are a nothing.
137
00:07:50,481 --> 00:07:52,161
I'm not a nothing.
I've got me plan.
138
00:07:52,481 --> 00:07:54,561
What's that? The plan to be
the slobbiest entity
139
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,001
in the entire universe?
140
00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:58,761
No.
Me five year plan.
141
00:07:58,841 --> 00:08:02,521
You see, I'm going to do two more trips
and I've been saving up all me pay.
142
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:04,321
- Since when?
- Since always.
143
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,281
That's why I never buy
any soap or deodorants
144
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,361
or socks or anything like that,
you know.
145
00:08:08,441 --> 00:08:10,921
Anyway, I'm going to buy myself
a little farm on Fiji.
146
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:13,881
I'm going to get a sheep
and a cow and breed horses.
147
00:08:17,601 --> 00:08:18,641
With a sheep and a cow?
148
00:08:18,961 --> 00:08:20,401
No.
With horses and horses.
149
00:08:20,881 --> 00:08:22,041
- On Fiji?
- Yeah!
150
00:08:22,121 --> 00:08:23,521
The prices
there are unbelievable.
151
00:08:23,721 --> 00:08:25,401
Yes.
Because they had a volcanic eruption
152
00:08:25,481 --> 00:08:28,121
and now most of Fiji
is three feet below sea level!
153
00:08:28,361 --> 00:08:30,241
It's only three feet.
They can wade.
154
00:08:31,441 --> 00:08:34,241
That's why the animals
are gonna have to be quite tall.
155
00:08:34,761 --> 00:08:38,881
Nice plan, Lister.
Excellent plan. Brilliant plan, Lister.
156
00:08:39,401 --> 00:08:40,641
What about the sheep?
157
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,561
What are you gonna do?
Buy them water wings?
158
00:08:43,401 --> 00:08:45,281
Fit them with stilts?
159
00:08:45,361 --> 00:08:46,921
Better still,
you could cross-breed them
160
00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:49,001
with dolphins and
have leaping mutton!
161
00:08:53,441 --> 00:08:55,561
You can get
a drainage grant these days.
162
00:08:55,841 --> 00:08:56,921
Why bother, Lister?
163
00:08:57,001 --> 00:08:59,201
You could be the first man
to produce wet-look knitwear.
164
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:02,161
Look, this is why
I never ever said anything to you
165
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:04,041
'cause I knew
you'd say something like this.
166
00:09:04,441 --> 00:09:07,121
Lister, you have got
the brain of a cheese sandwich.
167
00:09:07,401 --> 00:09:09,041
Morning, Farmer Lister!
168
00:09:09,121 --> 00:09:11,641
I'm just popping down to the shops
in my submarine.
169
00:09:11,721 --> 00:09:13,161
Can I buy you anything?
170
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,761
The Welcome Back
George McIntyre reception
171
00:09:16,841 --> 00:09:18,201
is about to begin
in the refectory.
172
00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:20,841
George says he'd like to
invite everybody,
173
00:09:20,921 --> 00:09:24,401
especially those who weren't
able to attend his funeral.
174
00:09:43,681 --> 00:09:44,921
Hey, have you seen Rimmer's arm?
175
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:46,961
No. I'm waiting for it
to come out in paperback.
176
00:09:48,441 --> 00:09:49,801
Waiting for it to come out...
177
00:09:50,081 --> 00:09:51,681
Petersen, have you got a coin?
178
00:09:54,121 --> 00:09:56,321
I've just been shown this
great new intelligence test.
179
00:09:56,401 --> 00:09:59,441
What you gotta do is force
the coin onto your forehead,
180
00:09:59,521 --> 00:10:02,001
and then the more times
you can bang yourself on the head
181
00:10:02,081 --> 00:10:04,481
without it falling off,
the more intelligent you are.
182
00:10:04,561 --> 00:10:05,601
You gonna go for it?
183
00:10:05,681 --> 00:10:07,401
He's going for it!
184
00:10:08,121 --> 00:10:10,281
- Are you ready? Can you feel It?
- Yeah!
185
00:10:10,361 --> 00:10:11,441
- Can you feel It?
- Yep.
186
00:10:11,521 --> 00:10:12,761
- Can you feel It?
- Yep.
187
00:10:12,841 --> 00:10:13,921
Go!
188
00:10:14,001 --> 00:10:16,361
Go on!
Go for it!
189
00:10:21,241 --> 00:10:23,081
Shh!
190
00:10:24,361 --> 00:10:27,401
Folks, today is a day
for both sadness and joy.
191
00:10:27,841 --> 00:10:30,321
Sadness for
the passing away of George
192
00:10:30,401 --> 00:10:34,481
and joy because George is back with us,
albeit as a hologram.
193
00:10:34,761 --> 00:10:37,361
Now, some of you may not
have travelled with a hologram before,
194
00:10:37,441 --> 00:10:39,401
so I ask you
to treat him as a normal man,
195
00:10:39,481 --> 00:10:42,201
because he is, in every respect,
like George.
196
00:10:42,281 --> 00:10:46,081
He has George's personality
and George's knowledge and experience.
197
00:10:46,601 --> 00:10:49,001
Of course, he can't lift anything
or touch anything,
198
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:51,681
so I ask you
to cooperate with his requests.
199
00:10:51,761 --> 00:10:54,921
And please, take every care not
to walk through him,
200
00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:56,921
not even when you're In a hurry.
Thank you.
201
00:10:57,481 --> 00:10:59,961
Speech! Speech!
202
00:11:05,121 --> 00:11:07,361
I want to thank everybody
203
00:11:07,441 --> 00:11:10,121
for giving me
such a marvellous funeral.
204
00:11:10,681 --> 00:11:12,641
I've just seen of it.
205
00:11:12,721 --> 00:11:16,201
And I wanna thank the Captain
for his beautiful eulogy.
206
00:11:16,281 --> 00:11:17,601
Beautiful.
207
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:20,481
But I still don't understand
why he didn't use the one I wrote.
208
00:11:23,561 --> 00:11:27,121
This must seem
pretty spooky for everyone,
209
00:11:27,761 --> 00:11:31,601
but I don't want you
to think of me as someone who's dead,
210
00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:35,481
more as someone who's
no longer a threat to your marriages.
211
00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:39,321
I... I think Joe knows
what I'm talking about.
212
00:11:43,241 --> 00:11:47,961
As you know, Holly's only capable
of sustaining one hologram,
213
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:52,081
so my advice to anyone more vital
to the mission than me is,
214
00:11:52,161 --> 00:11:53,721
if you die, I'll kill you.
215
00:11:59,441 --> 00:12:02,041
Please be upstanding
for the cutting of the cake.
216
00:12:08,441 --> 00:12:10,361
Flight coordinator George McIntyre.
217
00:12:10,881 --> 00:12:12,121
George!
218
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:22,801
Just one thing before the disco,
219
00:12:22,881 --> 00:12:26,241
Holly tells me that he's sensed
a non-human life form aboard.
220
00:12:26,481 --> 00:12:28,201
Sir, it's Rimmer!
221
00:12:28,521 --> 00:12:32,161
We don't know what it is, Lister.
So just be careful, okay?
222
00:12:32,481 --> 00:12:34,001
I'm turning you in, Rimmer.
223
00:12:34,801 --> 00:12:36,481
Ooh...
224
00:12:38,001 --> 00:12:42,001
Right, they're bound to ask
the right thigh, which is 10%.
225
00:12:42,441 --> 00:12:45,721
They must ask the left thigh,
which is 20%.
226
00:12:46,841 --> 00:12:48,761
They've got to ask
one of the forearms,
227
00:12:49,241 --> 00:12:50,417
which means I've passed already.
228
00:12:50,441 --> 00:12:52,361
Anything on
the left shin's a bonus!
229
00:12:54,361 --> 00:12:58,161
Right, CUTIE,
current under tension is...
230
00:12:58,241 --> 00:13:01,321
What's this?
Current under tension is equal?
231
00:13:01,401 --> 00:13:03,881
Current under
tension is expandable?
232
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:06,801
Current under
tension is expensive?
233
00:13:06,881 --> 00:13:10,121
What does this mean?
What does any of this mean?
234
00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,281
I've covered my body in complete
235
00:13:12,361 --> 00:13:16,441
and utter and total
absolute nonsense gibberish!
236
00:13:18,521 --> 00:13:19,841
Just relax, relax, relax, relax.
237
00:13:22,441 --> 00:13:25,241
Uh, plus 20% of
the ship's course minus
238
00:13:25,321 --> 00:13:28,641
the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the x-axis
239
00:13:28,721 --> 00:13:30,681
minus one equals
the total velocity of Red Dwarf,
240
00:13:30,761 --> 00:13:32,857
which means I know everything
about astro-engineering.
241
00:13:32,881 --> 00:13:34,801
Good morning, Lister,
for probably the last time.
242
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,161
You got it all down,
have you, Rimmer?
243
00:13:38,241 --> 00:13:40,041
Couple of blanks,
but I think we're there.
244
00:13:41,361 --> 00:13:43,121
So you can't remember anything?
245
00:13:43,201 --> 00:13:44,841
Think what you will, Lister.
246
00:13:44,921 --> 00:13:48,321
Remember F-I-S-H,
that's how you spell fish.
247
00:13:48,401 --> 00:13:49,721
Then you just keel over.
248
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:51,841
I'm sure it'll all come
flooding back to you.
249
00:13:52,481 --> 00:13:53,681
Dry up, Lister.
250
00:13:56,201 --> 00:13:58,561
Will entrants
for the engineer's examination
251
00:13:58,641 --> 00:14:00,721
now make their way to
the teaching room.
252
00:14:01,321 --> 00:14:03,361
Well, Rimmer,
honestly, good luck.
253
00:14:05,081 --> 00:14:08,681
It's all right, Lister.
I'm in complete and total control.
254
00:14:17,081 --> 00:14:19,281
Lock! Lock!
255
00:14:31,481 --> 00:14:32,681
Frankenstein.
256
00:14:33,921 --> 00:14:35,761
Oh, come on, Frankenstein!
257
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,721
Oh, you're getting
really big now, you know?
258
00:14:45,201 --> 00:14:48,481
I hope it's not twins.
You've already got all me milk ration.
259
00:14:48,561 --> 00:14:50,281
Never mind,
when the baby cat comes,
260
00:14:50,361 --> 00:14:52,321
maybe we can give him water
and pretend it's milk.
261
00:14:52,401 --> 00:14:54,921
It's only a baby cat,
it won't know, eh? Eh?
262
00:14:55,001 --> 00:14:57,561
Do you want to see me picture
of Fiji again, Frankie?
263
00:14:57,641 --> 00:14:59,881
You're gonna love It there.
Look.
264
00:15:05,281 --> 00:15:07,201
Okay, everybody,
you've got three hours.
265
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:11,001
No modems,
no speaking slide rules.
266
00:15:11,081 --> 00:15:12,601
Turn over and start.
Good luck.
267
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:41,321
HI,
where's the Captain's office?
268
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,561
It's over there, where it says
"Captain's office",
269
00:16:43,641 --> 00:16:45,241
where it's always
said Captain's office.
270
00:16:45,321 --> 00:16:47,561
So that's the Captain's office!
271
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,641
- So how are you then?
- Fine.
272
00:16:49,721 --> 00:16:51,441
Do you know what he
wants to see me for?
273
00:16:51,521 --> 00:16:54,201
Yes. I think you've been
promoted to Admiral!
274
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:55,801
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
275
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:58,841
For your diligence
and general devotion to duty.
276
00:16:58,921 --> 00:17:00,761
- Oh, yeah?
- Lister!
277
00:17:00,841 --> 00:17:02,001
Bye.
278
00:17:06,081 --> 00:17:08,201
You asked to see me, Captain?
279
00:17:08,281 --> 00:17:09,441
Where's the cat?
280
00:17:10,521 --> 00:17:12,521
What?
What cat?
281
00:17:13,041 --> 00:17:15,921
Lister,
not only are you so stupid
282
00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:18,321
you bring
an unquarantined animal
283
00:17:18,401 --> 00:17:20,921
and jeopardise every
man and woman on this ship,
284
00:17:21,001 --> 00:17:24,961
not only that, but you take a photograph
of yourself with the cat
285
00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:28,041
and send it to be processed
in the ship's lab.
286
00:17:29,041 --> 00:17:31,881
Now I'm gonna ask you again.
Do you have a cat?
287
00:17:32,001 --> 00:17:34,881
- No.
- Have you got a cat?
288
00:17:35,241 --> 00:17:36,641
Er, yes, that one.
289
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:38,721
- Where did you get It? Titan?
- Yes.
290
00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:41,641
Don't you realise that that thing
could be carrying anything?
291
00:17:41,721 --> 00:17:43,041
Don't you remember what happened
292
00:17:43,121 --> 00:17:44,921
on the Oregon with the rabbits?
293
00:17:45,001 --> 00:17:47,721
Lister, a loose animal aboard
this ship could get anywhere.
294
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:51,041
It could get into the air ducts,
it could get into Holly.
295
00:17:51,121 --> 00:17:53,881
You know, a little nibble here
and a little nibble there, Lister,
296
00:17:53,961 --> 00:17:56,641
and before we know it,
we're flying backwards.
297
00:17:56,721 --> 00:17:59,281
Now, I want that
cat and I want it now.
298
00:17:59,361 --> 00:18:04,121
Sir, just suppose I did have a cat.
Just suppose.
299
00:18:04,201 --> 00:18:05,721
What would you do
with Frankenstein?
300
00:18:06,121 --> 00:18:08,521
I'd send it down to the medical centre
and I'd have it cut up
301
00:18:08,601 --> 00:18:09,761
and tests run on it.
302
00:18:10,041 --> 00:18:12,121
Would you put it back together
when you'd finished?
303
00:18:12,921 --> 00:18:15,161
Lister, the cat would be dead.
304
00:18:15,641 --> 00:18:17,801
So with respect, sir,
what's in it for the cat?
305
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:22,001
- Lister, give me that cat.
- It's not as easy as that.
306
00:18:22,081 --> 00:18:24,321
Me and the cat,
we're going to have a baby cat
307
00:18:24,401 --> 00:18:26,921
and we're going to
buy a farm on Fiji.
308
00:18:27,001 --> 00:18:29,201
We're gonna have a sheep
and a cow and three horses.
309
00:18:29,281 --> 00:18:31,801
It's me plan and no one can get
in the way of it,
310
00:18:31,881 --> 00:18:34,121
not even you,
and I do respect you...
311
00:18:34,201 --> 00:18:35,281
Sir.
312
00:18:35,361 --> 00:18:38,001
Oh, Lister, do you want to go
into stasis for the rest of the trip
313
00:18:38,081 --> 00:18:39,921
and forfeit 18 months' wages?
314
00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:41,121
No.
315
00:18:41,201 --> 00:18:43,401
- You wanna hand over that cat?
- No.
316
00:18:43,721 --> 00:18:44,921
Choose.
317
00:18:46,801 --> 00:18:48,761
Look, Dave, no one wants to go
through with this.
318
00:18:48,841 --> 00:18:50,521
It's okay.
I can handle it.
319
00:18:52,241 --> 00:18:53,681
Rimmer, are you all right?
320
00:18:53,761 --> 00:18:55,161
I can't really remember.
321
00:18:55,241 --> 00:18:57,241
I think I did quite well.
322
00:19:00,121 --> 00:19:01,361
Is this going to hurt?
323
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:02,817
Haven't you ever
travelled interstellar?
324
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:04,561
- No.
- Oh, you don't feel a thing.
325
00:19:04,641 --> 00:19:07,361
The stasis room creates
a static field of time.
326
00:19:07,441 --> 00:19:09,641
See, just as X-rays
can't pass through lead,
327
00:19:09,721 --> 00:19:11,601
time cannot
penetrate a stasis field.
328
00:19:11,681 --> 00:19:14,321
So, although you exist,
you no longer exist in time,
329
00:19:14,401 --> 00:19:16,321
and for you,
time itself does not exist.
330
00:19:16,401 --> 00:19:17,881
You see,
although you're still a mass,
331
00:19:17,961 --> 00:19:19,721
you're no longer
an event in space-time,
332
00:19:19,801 --> 00:19:22,561
you're a non-event mass
with a quantum probability of zero.
333
00:19:22,641 --> 00:19:24,161
How simple is that, eh?
334
00:19:25,161 --> 00:19:27,441
- Okay, I'm ready.
- See you in 18 months.
335
00:19:29,521 --> 00:19:30,801
Holly,
activate the stasis field.
336
00:19:30,881 --> 00:19:32,281
Okay, Frank.
337
00:19:53,561 --> 00:19:54,641
Good morning, Dave.
338
00:19:54,721 --> 00:19:57,001
It is now safe for you to
emerge from stasis.
339
00:19:57,081 --> 00:19:58,281
I've only just gone in.
340
00:19:58,361 --> 00:20:01,001
Please proceed to
the Drive Room for debriefing.
341
00:20:06,761 --> 00:20:08,321
Where is everybody, Hol?
342
00:20:08,401 --> 00:20:09,801
They're dead Dave.
343
00:20:10,321 --> 00:20:11,401
Who is?
344
00:20:11,481 --> 00:20:12,921
Everybody, Dave.
345
00:20:13,721 --> 00:20:15,481
What, Captain Hollister?
346
00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:17,161
Everybody's dead Dave.
347
00:20:17,681 --> 00:20:19,081
What, Todhunter?
348
00:20:19,561 --> 00:20:21,081
Everybody's dead Dave.
349
00:20:22,081 --> 00:20:23,401
What, Selby?
350
00:20:23,481 --> 00:20:26,161
They're all dead.
Everybody's dead, Dave.
351
00:20:27,321 --> 00:20:28,641
Petersen isn't, is he?
352
00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:30,601
Everybody is dead, Dave.
353
00:20:31,561 --> 00:20:32,681
Not Chen?
354
00:20:32,761 --> 00:20:35,001
Gordon Bennett.
Yes, Chen. Everybody.
355
00:20:35,081 --> 00:20:36,401
Everybody's dead, Dave.
356
00:20:37,081 --> 00:20:38,201
Rimmer?
357
00:20:38,281 --> 00:20:40,481
He '5 dead Dave.
Everybody is dead.
358
00:20:40,601 --> 00:20:42,841
Everybody is dead Dave.
359
00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:46,401
Wait. Are you trying
to tell me everybody's dead?
360
00:20:48,641 --> 00:20:50,641
I wish I 'a' never let him out in
the first place.
361
00:20:51,161 --> 00:20:52,241
How?
362
00:20:52,321 --> 00:20:54,401
The drive plate was
inefficiently repaired.
363
00:20:54,481 --> 00:20:56,121
It blew and the entire crew
364
00:20:56,201 --> 00:20:58,641
was subjected to
a lethal dose of cadmium-2
365
00:20:58,721 --> 00:21:00,001
before I could seal the area.
366
00:21:00,081 --> 00:21:01,481
Oh, this is terrible.
367
00:21:02,201 --> 00:21:05,121
And why's it so dirty around here, Hot?
What is this stuff?
368
00:21:05,201 --> 00:21:07,361
That is Catering
Officer Olaf Petersen.
369
00:21:09,881 --> 00:21:11,521
I've been eating half the crew!
370
00:21:12,081 --> 00:21:13,601
And who's that?
371
00:21:13,681 --> 00:21:14,841
That's Captain Hollister.
372
00:21:15,201 --> 00:21:16,321
And that's Todhunter.
373
00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:18,601
No.
That's Second Technician, Rimmer.
374
00:21:18,681 --> 00:21:20,081
Oh, yeah.
375
00:21:20,241 --> 00:21:22,081
I didn't recognise him
without his report book.
376
00:21:22,921 --> 00:21:24,761
What was Rimmer
doing in the Drive Room?
377
00:21:24,841 --> 00:21:26,241
He was explaining to the Captain
378
00:21:26,321 --> 00:21:28,121
why he hadn't sealed the drive
plate properly.
379
00:21:28,881 --> 00:21:32,641
So wait, Hol.
How long was I in stasis?
380
00:21:32,721 --> 00:21:34,641
Well, I couldn't release you
until the radiation
381
00:21:34,721 --> 00:21:36,241
reached a safe background level.
382
00:21:36,321 --> 00:21:37,961
How long?
383
00:21:38,121 --> 00:21:39,201
Three million years.
384
00:21:39,561 --> 00:21:41,161
Three million years!
385
00:21:42,641 --> 00:21:44,961
I've still got that library book.
386
00:21:46,521 --> 00:21:49,081
What about Krissie?
What about Krissie Kochanski?
387
00:21:49,161 --> 00:21:50,401
She '5 dead Dave-
388
00:21:50,481 --> 00:21:51,721
Oh, hey!
389
00:21:51,921 --> 00:21:53,481
I don't suppose
it's any consolation,
390
00:21:53,561 --> 00:21:54,881
but if she were still alive,
391
00:21:54,961 --> 00:21:56,801
the age difference would
be insurmountable.
392
00:21:58,081 --> 00:21:59,641
She was part of me plan.
393
00:22:00,081 --> 00:22:01,337
I never got round
to telling her,
394
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:03,281
but she was going to
come with me to Fiji.
395
00:22:03,361 --> 00:22:06,161
She was going to wear a white dress
and ride the horses
396
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,121
and I was going to take care
of everything else.
397
00:22:08,201 --> 00:22:10,201
It was me plan.
I planned it.
398
00:22:10,441 --> 00:22:12,881
Well, she won't be
much use to you on Fiji now,
399
00:22:12,961 --> 00:22:14,441
not unless it snows and you need
400
00:22:14,521 --> 00:22:16,001
something to grit the path with.
401
00:22:19,241 --> 00:22:20,681
Holly!
402
00:22:20,761 --> 00:22:22,481
Sorry.
I 'm sorry about that.
403
00:22:22,561 --> 00:22:24,641
I've been on me own
for three million years
404
00:22:24,721 --> 00:22:26,361
and I 'm just used to
saying what I think.
405
00:22:26,561 --> 00:22:29,201
I think I've gone a bit peculiar,
to tell you the truth.
406
00:22:29,761 --> 00:22:32,121
So everyone's dead?
I'm on me own? It's just me?
407
00:22:32,201 --> 00:22:33,681
Welt technically speaking yeah.
408
00:22:33,761 --> 00:22:35,961
What do you mean,
technically speaking?
409
00:22:38,561 --> 00:22:41,321
Hello, Lister.
Long time no see.
410
00:22:41,521 --> 00:22:43,001
Rimmer, you're a hologram!
411
00:22:43,201 --> 00:22:44,881
Yes. That's because I'm dead.
412
00:22:44,961 --> 00:22:48,401
Dead as a can of Spam.
And it's all thanks to you.
413
00:22:48,721 --> 00:22:49,801
Me? What did I do?
414
00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:51,801
If you hadn't kept
that stupid cat, Lister,
415
00:22:51,881 --> 00:22:53,161
and hadn't been sent to stasis,
416
00:22:53,241 --> 00:22:55,481
I'd have had some help
when I was mending the drive plate
417
00:22:55,561 --> 00:22:56,681
and I wouldn't be dead.
418
00:22:57,161 --> 00:22:59,561
- What does it feel like?
- Death?
419
00:22:59,641 --> 00:23:01,761
It's like being on holiday
with a group of Germans.
420
00:23:03,081 --> 00:23:05,561
No.
I mean being a hologram.
421
00:23:06,641 --> 00:23:09,761
Do you mind?
Being a hologram is fine, Lister.
422
00:23:09,841 --> 00:23:13,961
I still have the same drives,
the same feelings, the same emotions,
423
00:23:14,041 --> 00:23:15,521
but I can't touch anything.
424
00:23:15,921 --> 00:23:18,881
Never again will I be able
to brush a rose against my cheek,
425
00:23:19,441 --> 00:23:23,441
cradle a laughing child
or interfere with a woman sexually.
426
00:23:24,561 --> 00:23:27,001
Rimmer, you never used to do
any of those things anyway.
427
00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:28,841
But I would have
one day, murderer.
428
00:23:28,921 --> 00:23:30,241
Hey, hey, I didn't do anything!
429
00:23:30,321 --> 00:23:33,321
It was you who didn't fix
the drive plate properly.
430
00:23:33,881 --> 00:23:35,601
- Is this me here?
- Yeah.
431
00:23:35,681 --> 00:23:36,721
Me?
432
00:23:36,801 --> 00:23:38,681
Come on, Rimmer,
look on the bright side.
433
00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:41,121
The bright side?
What bright side?
434
00:23:41,721 --> 00:23:43,881
I'm dead.
I'm composed entirely of light
435
00:23:43,961 --> 00:23:45,281
and I'm alone in
space with a man
436
00:23:45,361 --> 00:23:47,361
who'd lose a battle of wits
with a stuffed iguana!
437
00:23:47,441 --> 00:23:48,721
Where's the bright side?
438
00:23:49,521 --> 00:23:51,121
What's an iguana?
439
00:23:51,201 --> 00:23:53,721
Look, look,
you're not dead, are you?
440
00:23:53,801 --> 00:23:56,121
I mean, you're dead,
but not dead-dead
441
00:23:56,201 --> 00:23:57,721
because you're
still here, aren't you?
442
00:23:57,961 --> 00:24:01,481
Lister, I'm not really here!
I'm not really me! Don't you see?
443
00:24:01,561 --> 00:24:03,841
I'm a computer simulation of me.
444
00:24:03,921 --> 00:24:07,001
That's me, there,
that pile of albino mouse droppings.
445
00:24:07,081 --> 00:24:09,801
Come on.
Lots of people have died.
446
00:24:09,881 --> 00:24:12,921
Lots of people have died and gone on
and done really, really well.
447
00:24:13,801 --> 00:24:15,321
You're a hologram.
So what?
448
00:24:15,521 --> 00:24:17,161
I suppose you're right, Lister.
449
00:24:17,241 --> 00:24:19,281
I've got to pull myself together.
450
00:24:19,361 --> 00:24:22,721
But you've got to help me.
You've got to be my hands and my touch.
451
00:24:22,801 --> 00:24:24,521
I know the sort
of things you like to touch.
452
00:24:24,601 --> 00:24:26,041
No way, Rimmer. Forget it.
453
00:24:26,761 --> 00:24:28,801
Are you smoking, Lister?
In the Drive Room?
454
00:24:28,961 --> 00:24:32,321
Yeah. I stopped for quite a while,
but I'm back on them now.
455
00:24:32,761 --> 00:24:34,641
You're on report, squire.
456
00:24:38,681 --> 00:24:41,361
I can't write it down.
I'll remember it.
457
00:24:41,761 --> 00:24:44,161
Oh... Rimmer, look,
I know it's wrong of me
458
00:24:44,241 --> 00:24:45,841
to speak ill of
the dead and all that,
459
00:24:45,921 --> 00:24:47,921
- but you're still a smeghead.
- I beg your pardon?
460
00:24:48,001 --> 00:24:50,161
I said, you're still a smeghead.
461
00:24:50,241 --> 00:24:51,761
Lister,
do you have any conception
462
00:24:51,841 --> 00:24:53,401
of the penalty for
describing a deceased
463
00:24:53,481 --> 00:24:55,881
superior technician
as a smeghead?
464
00:25:07,841 --> 00:25:08,921
Will you listen to me?
465
00:25:09,001 --> 00:25:12,121
Just listen to me.
Just... Just shut up. Shut up.
466
00:25:23,601 --> 00:25:25,881
Ooh.
How am I looking?
467
00:25:29,041 --> 00:25:31,921
Looking nice.
No, wait a minute.
468
00:25:32,001 --> 00:25:35,281
I'm looking better than nice.
I'm looking dangerous.
469
00:25:35,361 --> 00:25:39,041
Ow!
♪ Dangerous ♪
470
00:25:39,121 --> 00:25:40,561
Hey, what's that?
471
00:25:41,721 --> 00:25:45,681
Oh, it's my shadow.
Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.
472
00:25:45,761 --> 00:25:48,401
I'm looking nice.
My shadow's looking nice.
473
00:25:48,481 --> 00:25:49,521
What a team!
474
00:25:49,601 --> 00:25:52,961
We are unbelievable!
Okay, team, this way.
475
00:25:53,881 --> 00:25:55,721
No.
This way.
476
00:26:00,121 --> 00:26:01,401
This way.
477
00:26:02,121 --> 00:26:03,961
Lister, just hold your horses,
listen to me...
478
00:26:08,921 --> 00:26:10,161
Uh-oh.
479
00:26:10,801 --> 00:26:12,521
Better make myself look big.
480
00:26:17,281 --> 00:26:19,881
Fearsome.
I was fearsome.
481
00:26:19,961 --> 00:26:22,921
♪ Me and my shadow... ♪
482
00:26:23,001 --> 00:26:24,681
Ooh! Come on, boy!
483
00:26:24,921 --> 00:26:26,921
♪ Walking down the... ♪
484
00:26:31,201 --> 00:26:33,121
Holly, what was that?
485
00:26:33,201 --> 00:26:36,201
During the radioactive crisis, Dave,
your cat and her kittens
486
00:26:36,281 --> 00:26:38,001
were safely sealed in the hold.
487
00:26:38,081 --> 00:26:40,321
And the y've been breeding there
for three million years
488
00:26:40,401 --> 00:26:43,761
and have evolved into the life form
you just saw in the corridor.
489
00:26:43,841 --> 00:26:45,081
I don't get it.
490
00:26:45,401 --> 00:26:47,281
You know how
mankind evolved from apes?
491
00:26:47,361 --> 00:26:49,961
- Yeah, I know that.
- He evolved from cats.
492
00:26:50,041 --> 00:26:53,201
His ancestors were cats.
He's descended from cats.
493
00:26:53,281 --> 00:26:54,321
He is a cat.
494
00:26:57,161 --> 00:26:58,361
Yeah...
495
00:26:59,281 --> 00:27:02,001
Hello.
Cat?
496
00:27:02,761 --> 00:27:04,681
Whoa!
Crease!
497
00:27:07,641 --> 00:27:10,161
Stand back, Lister.
498
00:27:17,601 --> 00:27:18,841
Here you go, Cat.
499
00:27:18,921 --> 00:27:20,081
Ah, crispies!
500
00:27:20,161 --> 00:27:21,481
Holly says you like these.
501
00:27:21,561 --> 00:27:23,081
Mmm!
502
00:27:23,161 --> 00:27:25,881
Hey!
You monkeys eat off the floor?
503
00:27:25,961 --> 00:27:28,401
Ain't you got no style,
no sophistication?
504
00:27:28,481 --> 00:27:31,081
Oh, I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.
505
00:27:31,321 --> 00:27:33,161
You people are unbelievable.
506
00:27:36,841 --> 00:27:38,801
Where are all your catty friends,
Cat?
507
00:27:39,361 --> 00:27:40,761
Good crispies, man!
508
00:27:40,841 --> 00:27:42,401
But where are all the kitties?
509
00:27:42,481 --> 00:27:44,257
Are they gone? Are they dead?
Have they left you?
510
00:27:44,281 --> 00:27:46,921
Who cares?
I want it off the ship!
511
00:27:47,001 --> 00:27:50,201
No! He's coming home with us,
aren't you, Cat?
512
00:27:50,641 --> 00:27:52,681
Home? And where exactly
is home supposed to be?
513
00:27:52,761 --> 00:27:53,881
- Earth.
- Earth?
514
00:27:53,961 --> 00:27:55,697
What makes you think
there'll be any Earth, Lister?
515
00:27:55,721 --> 00:27:56,977
Even if there is,
look what it's done
516
00:27:57,001 --> 00:27:58,617
to a household pet in
three million years.
517
00:27:58,641 --> 00:28:00,921
Can you imagine
what humankind has evolved into?
518
00:28:01,201 --> 00:28:03,241
To them,
you'll be the equivalent of a slime
519
00:28:03,321 --> 00:28:05,081
that first crawled out the oceans.
520
00:28:05,161 --> 00:28:07,681
- I could smarten meself up a bit.
- Nah. You're a dinosaur.
521
00:28:07,761 --> 00:28:09,241
You're extinct.
You've got nothing.
522
00:28:09,321 --> 00:28:11,521
Hey, hey!
I've still got me plan.
523
00:28:11,601 --> 00:28:12,801
And I've still got a cat.
524
00:28:12,881 --> 00:28:15,361
Okay, it's not Frankenstein,
but it's still a cat.
525
00:28:15,441 --> 00:28:17,081
- Did you say Frankenstein?
- Yeah,
526
00:28:17,161 --> 00:28:20,361
she was your great, great, great, great,
great, great grandmother or something.
527
00:28:20,441 --> 00:28:22,361
The Holy Mother?
The virgin birth?
528
00:28:22,841 --> 00:28:24,801
No one believes that stuff.
529
00:28:24,881 --> 00:28:26,521
The virgin birth?
530
00:28:27,241 --> 00:28:29,881
No, it was a big, black
tom on Titan.
531
00:28:29,961 --> 00:28:34,001
Frankenstein? Yeah.
I remember that stuff from kitty school.
532
00:28:34,081 --> 00:28:37,601
The Holy Mother,
saved by Cloister the Stupid,
533
00:28:37,681 --> 00:28:39,321
who was frozen in time,
534
00:28:39,401 --> 00:28:41,841
and who gaveth of his life
that we might live.
535
00:28:42,281 --> 00:28:46,161
No! No, it's not Cloister,
it's me, it's Lister!
536
00:28:46,241 --> 00:28:48,281
It's Lister the Stupid!
537
00:28:49,841 --> 00:28:54,041
Who shall returneth to lead us
to Fuchal, the Promised Land.
538
00:28:54,601 --> 00:28:56,841
No. It's not Fuchal,
it's Fiji!
539
00:28:56,921 --> 00:28:59,001
And I will!
I'll lead you there.
540
00:28:59,081 --> 00:29:01,681
That's where we're going.
Holly!
541
00:29:01,761 --> 00:29:03,561
Plot a course for Fiji.
542
00:29:03,881 --> 00:29:07,201
Look out, Earth.
The slime's coming home!