1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:04,505 I - creep: 2 00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:10,511 Creep: 3 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,734 June: Joe? 4 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,278 Joe? 5 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:11,251 June: Joe? 6 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,879 Joe-Joe? 7 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,762 Honey, did you hear me? I was calling you. 8 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,573 I'm sorry, I was just finishing up Gillman. 9 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,390 Take your teeth out. 10 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:30,187 You know I can't understand you with those things in. 11 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:32,731 - I wanted to say I'm sorry, I was finishing up the Gillman. 12 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:36,651 - Well, the Gillman can wait, because guess what? 13 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:39,696 Aunt Barb is here. 14 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:43,492 - With uncle Kevin? - Yeah, with uncle Kevin. 15 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,580 They brought pepperoni pizza, though. 16 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,499 Come on, before it gets cold. 17 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:53,960 Your friends will still be here when you get back. 18 00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:55,378 Oh! 19 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:58,089 Joe: Come to dinner! 20 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,717 I hypnotize you to come to dinner! 21 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,528 - Mom: I really feel like you're doing a good job there. 22 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,678 Joe: Thank you very much. 23 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,893 - Mmm. 24 00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:16,274 Trick-or-treat's not 'til October, buddy. 25 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,319 - Every day is trick-or-treat around here. 26 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:22,364 - Really? - Mom: More tang? 27 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:26,409 - No thanks. I never drink tang. 28 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,620 Why not? 29 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:31,206 It's the official drink of astronauts. 30 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,542 It was the first beverage on the moon, you know that? 31 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:36,545 - Joe likes tang. He's just, he's doing his Dracula. 32 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:39,631 - Bela lugosi, right? - Played him in the first one. 33 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,008 - Technically, Max schreck played him 34 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,277 in the first one... The silent version, 35 00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,636 "nosferatu," 1922. 36 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:49,140 - Bela lugosi was a dope addict. 37 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,910 - Barb: I never heard that. - Kevin: It's a fact! 38 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,895 Look it up in the encyclopedia. I'm not crazy about the new guy. 39 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,480 What's his name? 40 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,316 You know, the limey with the red eyes? 41 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,361 - Christopher Lee. - No, that's the karate guy. 42 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:05,198 Yeah, look it up. 43 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,242 - Joe-Joe doesn't have to. 44 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:09,494 He knows everything there is to know 45 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:15,292 about Dracula and the mummy and Frankenstein and... 46 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,918 Who am I missing here? 47 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,129 - Uh, oj Simpson. 48 00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:20,964 When I was his age, I knew everything 49 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:23,341 there was to know about football. 50 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,719 Nowadays, it's all about this horror crap. 51 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,306 - Can I be excused? - I don't know, can you? 52 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:32,100 - May I be excused? - Yeah, yeah, in just a minute. 53 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:35,145 Um, aunt Barb and uncle Kevin 54 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:38,440 have something that they wanted to ask us. 55 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,233 Barb: Joe, would it be cool 56 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:43,486 if me and uncle Kevin came to stay for a bit? 57 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,447 Your mom could use an extra hand right now 58 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:48,992 with, well, all that's going on. 59 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,870 - If you'll have us. 60 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:14,517 - Heya, count. - You're blowing it. 61 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:17,062 Vampires don't show up in mirrors. 62 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,154 Let me help you. 63 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,326 Joe: Ow. 64 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:34,037 - Bud. 65 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:36,122 Your eye. 66 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,375 Who did that to you? 67 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:41,711 Billy niles again? 68 00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,463 Come here, kid. 69 00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:50,553 Will you do me a favor 70 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:55,725 and lay off the monster talk at school, hmm? 71 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:58,728 You're running short on friends, kiddo. 72 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,106 - I have all the friends I need. 73 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:06,444 - You got a lot of 'em. 74 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,406 - Why do they have to move in with us? 75 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,744 -You know, it's not a forever thing. 76 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:17,789 Just 'til ifinish my next round of chemo. 77 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,543 And, it'll... 78 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,504 It'll help your uncle Kevin get back on his feet. 79 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:27,841 - He's such a loser. 80 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,553 Hey, he's not so bad. 81 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:38,268 Did you know actually that he used to box in the army? 82 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,186 Maybe he could show you a few pointers 83 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:43,064 on how to deal with ol' Billy niles? 84 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,983 - Yeah? 85 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,278 - We'll talk about it tomorrow. 86 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:53,074 - Okey-doke? - Okey-doke. 87 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,785 - What's playing on the ol' time machine tonight? 88 00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:57,495 - I haven't decided. 89 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,708 "Abbott and costello meets" somebody. 90 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:05,253 - Well, set it up. - I'll make the jiffy pop. 91 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:06,671 - I love you, mom. 92 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,673 - I love you. 93 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:56,846 Why do you always call it a time machine? 94 00:09:56,888 --> 00:10:00,642 - Because that's what projectors are. 95 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:06,523 Movies, they transport us. 96 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:10,527 Think about it. I bet you remember 97 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:12,821 exactly where you were 98 00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:15,865 and who you were with the very first time 99 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:19,994 you heard Dr. Frankenstein yell, "it's alive!" 100 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:24,624 - I was with you. 101 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,875 - That's right. 102 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:36,344 And with one flip of a switch, you always will be. 103 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:45,186 Together forever, Joe-Joe. 104 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:48,148 Just like in the movies. 105 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,286 Mom? 106 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:16,819 Barb: Good morning. 107 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,126 - Where's the kid at? 108 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:35,797 - I let him sleep in. 109 00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,840 - On a Saturday? 110 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:40,301 It's chore day. 111 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:42,845 He's probably up there watching goddamn movies again. 112 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,557 Barb: Kevin, be nice. 113 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,185 He'll grow out of it. Some kids do little league. 114 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:52,146 Joe-Joe and his mom did monsters. 115 00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:55,024 - He's turning into a freak and you're promoting it. 116 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,621 What are you doing in here, sniffing glue? 117 00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:12,417 - Repairing the reaper's arm. 118 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,295 - "Repairing the reaper's arm." 119 00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:18,548 Where they at, huh? 120 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,884 I know you got some girlies under here somewhere, huh? 121 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:31,894 Well, I'll be dipped in shit. You do like girls, don't you? 122 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,646 - It's a collector's item. 123 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:39,652 - But you don't like me much, do you? 124 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,321 That's okay. 125 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:44,407 You know what, your cousin Gary, he didn't like me much either. 126 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:48,619 We didn't watch monster movies and the late late show. 127 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,539 My job was to make a man out of him. 128 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,624 That's exactly what I'm gonna do for you. 129 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,001 - Thanks? 130 00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,545 - You're welcome. - First things first, 131 00:13:57,587 --> 00:13:59,672 we gotta get rid of all this horror crap. 132 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,425 - Why? - Kevin: Because I said so! 133 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:05,553 You know, me and your auntie sacrificed a lot to be here. 134 00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:08,514 - That's not how I heard it. - I heard you had to move in 135 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:12,268 because you got canned from your job. 136 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:16,564 - That's how you heard it, huh? 137 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:18,858 It's called a temporary layoff. Give me this! 138 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,443 - Hey, that was a present from my mom! 139 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:24,781 - Oh, poor, poor grim reaper! - Oh! 140 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:28,534 Grim reaper's all broken up about it. 141 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:32,580 Now get your ass outside! It's chore day! 142 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:36,209 You can play with your stupid toys later, hmm? 143 00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:05,196 - Yo, Dr. Frankenstein! - Say hi to your mom for me! 144 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,054 - Friend! 145 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:40,148 - Don't tell me, the infamous Billy niles? 146 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,192 I made some tang. 147 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,870 I was hoping you'd do your Dracula. 148 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:58,583 - Well, I can't. - Sun's still out. 149 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:06,257 - Before you say anything, it was my fault. 150 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,925 Took an extra shift at Bateman's diner 151 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,719 without telling your uncle. 152 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,389 He says it's getting hard just being a man these days. 153 00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:14,724 - He's not a man. 154 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,231 - Go for the pin! - Go for the pin! 155 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,322 - Hello? 156 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,657 Yes, just a second, he's right here. 157 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,451 Kev, it's Mr. Warren. 158 00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:41,000 - Hello, Mr. Warren. 159 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:44,670 Oh, yeah, yeah, we're hanging in the best we can, sir. 160 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:53,012 I understand, sir. What can I say? 161 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:56,516 Times have been tough for all of us. 162 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:59,560 Thank you, sir. 163 00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:04,148 Barb: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. 164 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:07,360 - What are you sorry about? - You still got your job. 165 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,161 - What do think you're doing? - Cleaning house. 166 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,871 There's gonna be no more Santa claus, 167 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:22,625 no more tooth fairy, and no more goddamn monsters! 168 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,061 - You're the only monster around here! 169 00:17:24,085 --> 00:17:25,628 Barb: 170 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:31,217 - Stay away from him. - Or what? Huh? 171 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:39,684 -Ah, yous deserve each other. 172 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,232 Barb: Come on. It's okay. 173 00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:10,047 Joe: I miss you. 174 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,808 Joe: 175 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,892 - Got it. Need it. 176 00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:29,770 Got it. Need it. 177 00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,605 Need it. 178 00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,749 - Oh, yes! 179 00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:38,756 Kevin: 180 00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:39,882 - What happened? 181 00:21:46,222 --> 00:21:48,307 - The damnedest thing. 182 00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:51,769 My ankle twisted completely around. 183 00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:56,023 Joe: 184 00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:13,958 Barb: Joe, it's me. 185 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:18,295 I'm working the night shift. 186 00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,965 There's Turkey pot pie in the fridge. 187 00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:23,467 Just stay clear of your uncle. 188 00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:28,973 He's been in bed all day burning up with fever. 189 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:32,935 Things are gonna change around here, I promise. 190 00:22:32,977 --> 00:22:34,311 - I know. 191 00:22:57,167 --> 00:23:01,922 Kevin: 192 00:23:04,133 --> 00:23:06,510 - What the hell's he watching? 193 00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:09,054 Joe, turn it down! 194 00:23:16,562 --> 00:23:19,857 - Kid needs a good old-fashioned ass whooping! 195 00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:26,280 Must've backed up the shitter again! 196 00:23:26,322 --> 00:23:29,366 You freak! 197 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:33,120 - I'm coming for ya, buddy! 198 00:23:33,162 --> 00:23:35,039 You got it coming now, boy. 199 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:47,384 - I know you're in there playing with your goddamn toys 200 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:48,826 'cause I can smell the goddamn glue. 201 00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:54,642 - Open the door, or I'll smash it in! 202 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,769 Okay, all right. 203 00:24:06,737 --> 00:24:08,113 Fuck you! 204 00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:17,331 Joe: 205 00:24:17,373 --> 00:24:23,170 Kevin: 206 00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:30,886 - Man: Keep your eyes peeled, boils and ghouls. 207 00:24:30,928 --> 00:24:34,848 The cadaverous conclusion of "uncle Kevin meets the monster" 208 00:24:34,890 --> 00:24:36,350 is right around the corner. 209 00:25:23,897 --> 00:25:25,399 Joe: 210 00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:29,111 Kevin: 211 00:25:29,153 --> 00:25:33,407 Hey, buddy! Tell your friends I'm sorry! 212 00:25:33,449 --> 00:25:35,367 Kevin: No! 213 00:25:52,718 --> 00:25:54,478 - Are you ready for your close-up, uncle kev? 214 00:25:55,888 --> 00:26:00,184 Kevin: No! 215 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:07,024 Kevin: No! 216 00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:23,957 Joe! Joe! 217 00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:29,046 Joe. 218 00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:31,048 Oh my god. 219 00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:34,927 - Come. Sit. 220 00:26:34,968 --> 00:26:37,763 You're just in time for the big ending. 221 00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,282 - What happened? 222 00:26:57,324 --> 00:27:01,078 - Couple of friends came for a visit. 223 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,956 They had some cleaning up to do. 224 00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,960 After all, 225 00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:12,673 it is chore day. 226 00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:10,480 - Everyone was very happy that the little pigs worked so hard, 227 00:28:10,522 --> 00:28:13,775 for now they had plenty of food for winter, 228 00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:18,071 and farmer John promised to never eat porkchops again. 229 00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:21,867 So, they ate chicken! 230 00:28:21,909 --> 00:28:24,203 - The end. - Kids: 231 00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:27,873 - Hmm, what do you suppose that story was about, henrietta? 232 00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:30,417 - Getting what you deserve? 233 00:28:30,459 --> 00:28:31,793 Mrs. Bookberry: That's right! 234 00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:34,296 Some folks call it Karma. 235 00:28:34,338 --> 00:28:35,797 When you do something good, 236 00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:37,758 something good will happen to you. 237 00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:40,510 But if you do something bad... 238 00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:43,597 - S-s-s-something bad will happen to me? 239 00:28:43,639 --> 00:28:45,390 Mrs. Bookberry: Mm-hmm. 240 00:28:45,432 --> 00:28:48,602 So be sure to be good little boys and girls. 241 00:28:48,644 --> 00:28:53,565 Until next time, bye for now! 242 00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:56,568 - Man: Mrs. Bookberry's magical library is made possible 243 00:28:56,610 --> 00:28:59,947 by a Grant from the public broadcasting corporation. 244 00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,742 You're watching wqps, channel 13, Pittsburgh. 245 00:29:03,784 --> 00:29:05,744 Prevent child abuse. 246 00:29:05,786 --> 00:29:08,622 - Man: This is wqps in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, 247 00:29:08,664 --> 00:29:11,333 operating on channel 13 with a frequency of 248 00:29:11,375 --> 00:29:15,545 210 to 216 megahertz by authority of 249 00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:17,756 the federal communications commission. 250 00:29:19,258 --> 00:29:21,802 - Man: Bookberry pledge drive promotion, take one. 251 00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:26,723 Settle, settle, lots of energy, and on in three, two... 252 00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:29,309 - Something very special is happening tonight 253 00:29:29,351 --> 00:29:33,480 - on channel 13, henrietta. - What is it, Mrs. Bookberry? 254 00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:35,899 - Mrs. Bookberry: It's the wqps pledge drive. 255 00:29:35,941 --> 00:29:38,360 That's where we ask all the mommies and daddies 256 00:29:38,402 --> 00:29:41,280 - out there to fuck! - [Gaspsi 257 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:43,949 - goddamn it! Line. 258 00:29:43,991 --> 00:29:46,827 - Man: "Become a member of channel 13's television family." 259 00:29:46,868 --> 00:29:49,371 - Okay, whatever, here we go. 260 00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:52,749 Three, two, one, action. 261 00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:54,668 That's where we ask the mommies and daddies 262 00:29:54,710 --> 00:29:57,212 out there to join us by becoming a member of 263 00:29:57,254 --> 00:29:59,506 channel 13's television family. 264 00:30:01,967 --> 00:30:04,511 Cut, I think we got it, Greg. I'm gonna go take a shit. 265 00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:06,263 I'll be in my dressing room. 266 00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:07,848 - Man: Everybody take five while she... 267 00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:09,325 - Claudia: Uh, miss bookberry? - Man: Does that. 268 00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,392 Smoke 'em if you got 'em. 269 00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:13,186 - Mrs. Bookberry? Bookberry! 270 00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:20,902 - Claudia: Miss bookberry? - Do you have a minute? 271 00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:22,964 About the show tonight. Nothing like live television. 272 00:30:22,988 --> 00:30:24,382 - What's up with my time slot, Claudia? 273 00:30:24,406 --> 00:30:27,117 - Am I getting it or what? - Well, you see, about that, 274 00:30:27,159 --> 00:30:29,077 "love of painting" has been our 3 o'clock 275 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:30,495 for nearly 10 years, and what I... 276 00:30:30,537 --> 00:30:31,997 - And what? 277 00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:34,708 "Magical library" is the biggest show in qps history. 278 00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:37,627 Without it, this piss stain of a station would be nothing. 279 00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:41,548 I want that time slot. Give me that time slot. 280 00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:43,234 - But norm's show won't survive anywhere else. 281 00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:45,218 - Listen, they took a big chance 282 00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:48,597 on promoting someone like you to station manager. 283 00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:50,116 Be a shame to have to tell the higher-ups 284 00:30:50,140 --> 00:30:52,684 that you just couldn't figure it out. 285 00:30:52,726 --> 00:30:55,270 Ya got me, sistah? 286 00:30:57,147 --> 00:30:59,191 - You can have 3 o'clock. 287 00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:01,026 - Thank you. 288 00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:05,447 Now, if you don't mind, 289 00:31:05,489 --> 00:31:07,657 I prefer to wipe my ass in private, 290 00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:10,410 unless you wanna come in and do it for me? 291 00:31:17,751 --> 00:31:19,437 - Norm: Just a little bit and then we're gonna go 292 00:31:19,461 --> 00:31:22,672 back to the canvas and play in the leaves here. 293 00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,842 Just a little dab here and a little dab there. 294 00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:28,970 I - norm: Right on the roof. 295 00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:32,099 Just down that slope. 296 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:35,060 Where the leaves are gonna be found in the night. 297 00:31:35,102 --> 00:31:38,146 Maybe they were there last season. 298 00:31:38,188 --> 00:31:41,149 It's up to you, this is your world. 299 00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:45,904 Now, I would say our cabin could use a little something 300 00:31:45,946 --> 00:31:48,532 to look forward to, so let's put a little sunshine 301 00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:51,910 at the horizon. Take our two-inch brush. 302 00:31:51,952 --> 00:31:55,622 Just lighten up the sky. 303 00:31:55,664 --> 00:31:58,375 Move the darkness away. 304 00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:02,879 I think it's time to clean out our brushes. 305 00:32:02,921 --> 00:32:06,508 Take the brush into the paint thinner. 306 00:32:06,550 --> 00:32:08,635 Shake the excess. 307 00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:10,178 This is my favorite part. 308 00:32:13,098 --> 00:32:15,016 Just beat the devil out of it. 309 00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:20,272 I hope that you all enjoyed painting with me today 310 00:32:20,313 --> 00:32:22,399 because I know I did. 311 00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:25,152 So from all of us here at the station, 312 00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:27,446 happy painting, and god bless. 313 00:32:31,158 --> 00:32:33,910 - And cut, clear! 314 00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:36,496 That is a beautiful painting, norm. 315 00:32:36,538 --> 00:32:38,182 - Norm: Oh, thank you. - George: Wanna take a break 316 00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:39,475 before we start shooting the next episode? 317 00:32:39,499 --> 00:32:41,084 - Oh, no, no, no, no. - We may continue. 318 00:32:41,126 --> 00:32:43,170 - Hey, guys, excuse me, can we talk? 319 00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,755 - What's wrong? Are you cutting our budget again? 320 00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:47,382 Claudia, you can't do that! 321 00:32:47,424 --> 00:32:49,009 I had to get rid of both camera guys. 322 00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:51,761 You got me directing, producing. I'm shooting close-ups here. 323 00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:53,096 - I'm not cutting the budget. 324 00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:56,224 I'm afraid we're canceling "love of painting." 325 00:32:56,266 --> 00:33:00,312 - Oh, no, that's too bad. 326 00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:03,857 May we still shoot this next one? 327 00:33:03,899 --> 00:33:05,692 - Yeah, of course, norm. 328 00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,280 - Claudia? 329 00:33:10,322 --> 00:33:13,366 What are you doing? The show is all he's got. 330 00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:15,553 - My hands are tied, George. - His time slot is needed. 331 00:33:15,577 --> 00:33:19,206 I'm sorry. I really am. 332 00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:21,124 How is always so calm? 333 00:33:21,166 --> 00:33:22,602 You'd think he could at least chew me out 334 00:33:22,626 --> 00:33:25,212 for screwing him over. 335 00:33:25,253 --> 00:33:28,840 - That man's changed a lot since he came back from 'nam. 336 00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:32,219 Norm was on the front line of the tet offensive. 337 00:33:32,260 --> 00:33:35,222 Musta had to do horrible things to survive. 338 00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:51,738 - Priceless items are right under your nose. 339 00:33:51,780 --> 00:33:53,949 Did the value of this snow blower 340 00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:57,786 or this medieval broadsword increase or decrease over time? 341 00:33:57,827 --> 00:34:00,830 What about this jar of civil war coins? 342 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:04,334 Find out next on "the appraiser's road trip." 343 00:34:05,919 --> 00:34:08,064 - Woman: "The appraiser's road trip" with Goodman tapert. 344 00:34:08,088 --> 00:34:10,966 - Good evening, and welcome. 345 00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:13,635 Today's first guest, Mr. Ted raimi, 346 00:34:13,677 --> 00:34:16,596 has brought us something quite special, 347 00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:19,432 a book. 348 00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:21,476 How did you come across this? 349 00:34:21,518 --> 00:34:23,353 - Uh, well, it's... 350 00:34:23,395 --> 00:34:25,188 It's been in the family for years. 351 00:34:25,230 --> 00:34:26,314 - I must tell you, 352 00:34:26,356 --> 00:34:28,316 this is an amazing 353 00:34:28,358 --> 00:34:30,151 and quite valuable find. 354 00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:32,487 - Wow! - Wow, indeed. 355 00:34:32,529 --> 00:34:35,198 Brilliant sumerian craftsmanship. 356 00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:38,201 The stitching in the binding is magnificent. 357 00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:44,416 - It's bound in a leather that I'm unfamiliar with, 358 00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:46,960 but despite a few scratches and discolorations, 359 00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:49,713 this is a stunning piece. 360 00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:51,590 It is locked, though. Do you have the key? 361 00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:53,675 - Um, I lost it. 362 00:34:53,717 --> 00:34:55,635 Oh, how unfortunate. 363 00:34:55,677 --> 00:34:57,512 - But then it was found. 364 00:34:57,554 --> 00:35:00,765 Excellent! 365 00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:02,851 Let's look inside. 366 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:08,481 - This is really exciting. 367 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:11,943 I mean, I've had this thing in my fruit cellar for years. 368 00:35:11,985 --> 00:35:15,030 I nearly threw it out like a million times. 369 00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:18,617 But I'm glad I didn't though, huh? 370 00:35:18,658 --> 00:35:19,868 I mean, geez Louise, 371 00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:21,703 I wonder what this old thing is worth? 372 00:35:21,745 --> 00:35:24,831 I wonder if I could get a Camaro? 373 00:35:24,873 --> 00:35:26,916 Or maybe a hot tub? 374 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:29,002 What do you think, a Camaro or a hot tub? 375 00:35:29,044 --> 00:35:30,164 Hot tub. 376 00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:35,300 - Look at these ink renderings. 377 00:35:35,342 --> 00:35:37,927 The kandarian text. 378 00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,180 Any natural history museum would happily pay anywhere 379 00:35:40,221 --> 00:35:44,476 between 3 or 400,000. 380 00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:46,102 - Dollars? - Mm-hmm. 381 00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:47,896 - Oh, man! 382 00:35:47,937 --> 00:35:49,689 This is the best day of my whole life! 383 00:35:49,731 --> 00:35:51,816 - Lucky for you, I can read sumerian. 384 00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:53,276 - You can read... 385 00:35:53,318 --> 00:35:57,280 - Might be a bit rusty, but what I can gather, 386 00:35:57,322 --> 00:36:02,035 this book is the necronomicon. 387 00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:04,204 - Ah, that name sounds familiar. 388 00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:06,331 - It was written when dark spirits ruled the earth 389 00:36:06,373 --> 00:36:07,999 and the oceans boiled with blood. 390 00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:09,334 Ted: Oh. 391 00:36:09,376 --> 00:36:10,728 - Goodman: The powers of the dead lay within 392 00:36:10,752 --> 00:36:15,173 these very pages. Fascinating. 393 00:36:15,215 --> 00:36:17,425 Listen to these wretched incantations. 394 00:36:21,638 --> 00:36:24,182 - Oh, uh, um, maybe don't read it. 395 00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:29,396 - Goodman: "Nosferaten. - Valo mortem." 396 00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:32,148 - Uh, stop. Don't read any more. 397 00:36:36,277 --> 00:36:40,615 Please stop. Stop! 398 00:36:40,657 --> 00:36:44,244 - I said stop. Never! 399 00:36:46,413 --> 00:36:51,876 Crew: 400 00:36:56,131 --> 00:37:00,593 Let me back into the book, kids, so you should be like me! 401 00:37:00,635 --> 00:37:03,513 When it all makes a pledge to us. 402 00:37:03,555 --> 00:37:06,307 Pledge to us! 403 00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:13,314 Pledge to us! 404 00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:18,611 - Norm: We're gonna say good night to the grand tetons. 405 00:37:18,653 --> 00:37:22,198 A meandering stream by just using the titanium white 406 00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:25,535 and working through the bristles with the two-inch brush. 407 00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:30,540 And ever so gently drag through the dusk creeping over 408 00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:34,002 the mountains here and then saying goodbye 409 00:37:34,043 --> 00:37:36,713 to the dying embers of the day. 410 00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:41,342 Good night, day. Thank you for everything. 411 00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:45,096 Sleep well. There. 412 00:37:45,138 --> 00:37:49,225 I think we're done here. 413 00:37:51,811 --> 00:37:55,523 Today, I have gotten some bad news. 414 00:37:55,565 --> 00:38:00,236 Unfortunately, this is our last episode. 415 00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:03,072 First, I was sad, but I believe that 416 00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:05,533 everything happens for a reason, 417 00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:08,745 and if this is what the good lord wishes, 418 00:38:08,787 --> 00:38:10,830 well, then surely he must have something greater 419 00:38:10,872 --> 00:38:13,041 in mind for me and for us all. 420 00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:15,210 - Pledge your soul to the book! 421 00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:16,979 - Claudia: - George: What is that thing? 422 00:38:17,003 --> 00:38:18,420 Claudia: 423 00:38:18,421 --> 00:38:20,590 - Huh? - Keep away from me! 424 00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:30,975 - What is happening? 425 00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:35,688 - A-ha. Pretty soul. 426 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,234 I'll cut it out of you. 427 00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:42,946 Huh? 428 00:38:55,625 --> 00:38:58,378 Huh? 429 00:38:58,419 --> 00:39:03,550 - I don't know who you are, sir, but if you're not gonna behave, 430 00:39:03,591 --> 00:39:06,052 I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. 431 00:39:06,094 --> 00:39:07,762 - Pledge to us! 432 00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:47,385 Norm: George! 433 00:39:47,427 --> 00:39:49,971 - You all right, George? - Just get it off of me! 434 00:39:50,013 --> 00:39:53,600 Both leave me here and just save yourselves. 435 00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:54,952 - Nobody's leaving you here, George. 436 00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:59,063 - Oh, god. - Norm: Come here. 437 00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:00,982 - All right, what's the quickest way out? 438 00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:02,525 'Cause we have to let the others know! 439 00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:03,776 - Through the magical library. 440 00:40:03,818 --> 00:40:05,194 - Okay, we need to get to a phone. 441 00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:10,742 - Yes, come on, this way. - Come on, George! 442 00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:13,411 Ted: Merciless! 443 00:40:43,232 --> 00:40:47,695 - Henrietta: You worthless piece of shit. 444 00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:51,532 - I'm not worthless, daddy. - Henrietta: Yes, you are. 445 00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:53,409 Your mother and I will be very disappointed 446 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:54,994 if you're not gonna show tonight. 447 00:40:55,036 --> 00:40:57,038 Chicago's going to be watching. 448 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,790 This will be our ticket out of here, 449 00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:00,875 unless you fuck it up, which you probably will, 450 00:41:00,917 --> 00:41:02,961 you ugly little bitch! 451 00:41:03,002 --> 00:41:05,380 - No, I won't mess up, daddy, I promise. 452 00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:09,175 Nothing will stop me from making you proud. Nothing! 453 00:41:15,765 --> 00:41:18,142 - Fuck off, Greg! - I'm not taping anymore! 454 00:41:18,184 --> 00:41:20,853 I have to focus before the show! Go away! 455 00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:25,650 - Are you deaf? I said, go away! 456 00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:32,281 - What the fuck is your problem? 457 00:41:36,661 --> 00:41:38,746 - Pledge your soul to the book! 458 00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:54,012 - Oh, Jesus, it's a goddamn massacre. 459 00:42:00,143 --> 00:42:03,438 - Look. - Cameras are still recording. 460 00:42:03,479 --> 00:42:04,856 - George, check the footage. 461 00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:06,000 Maybe we can find out what happened. 462 00:42:06,024 --> 00:42:09,027 - Leave it to me. 463 00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:12,113 Claudia: Oh my god. 464 00:42:12,155 --> 00:42:14,282 Did that thing do all of this by itself? 465 00:42:17,744 --> 00:42:19,829 -John? 466 00:42:19,871 --> 00:42:21,289 Oh, dear god, no. 467 00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:22,707 John. 468 00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:05,500 - Nothing will stop me, daddy. 469 00:43:05,541 --> 00:43:07,668 Nothing! 470 00:43:18,012 --> 00:43:19,889 - Find anything? 471 00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:23,309 - Well, a few dead friends. 472 00:43:23,351 --> 00:43:26,187 And a jar of old silver dollars. 473 00:43:26,229 --> 00:43:29,107 I'll buy you a pop if we survive. 474 00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:32,318 - George: Hey, guys? - Hey, guys, found something. 475 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,278 I'll pipe it to the floor monitors. 476 00:43:42,453 --> 00:43:44,956 - What do you think, Camaro or hot tub? 477 00:43:44,997 --> 00:43:48,835 - Hot tub. - Yes! 478 00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:50,795 - Look at these ink renderings. 479 00:43:50,837 --> 00:43:54,090 - George: Hold on, hold on, iwent too far. 480 00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:58,052 - The power of the dead lay within these very pages. 481 00:43:58,094 --> 00:44:00,346 Listen to these wretched incantations. 482 00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:09,021 - Shut it off, George! 483 00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:12,650 - Goodman: - Norm: Just shut it off now! 484 00:44:12,692 --> 00:44:16,070 - What's wrong? - He said powers of the dead 485 00:44:16,112 --> 00:44:17,947 lay within the pages of the book. 486 00:44:17,989 --> 00:44:19,574 Listening to wretched incantations 487 00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:22,076 is not gonna improve our situation here! 488 00:44:22,118 --> 00:44:23,494 - Book started all of this. 489 00:44:23,536 --> 00:44:25,514 Maybe there's a spell or whatever that can stop it? 490 00:44:25,538 --> 00:44:28,708 - Well, that stands to reason, if we can find it. 491 00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:31,711 - It's gotta be around here somewhere, but where? 492 00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,720 Pledge to the book! 493 00:44:40,761 --> 00:44:42,346 - That answers that question. 494 00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:52,190 - Shit! Think, George, think! 495 00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:06,871 You will die! 496 00:45:06,913 --> 00:45:10,499 All will be as to the book 497 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:13,211 and die! 498 00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:21,469 - The book! - George! George! 499 00:45:21,510 --> 00:45:24,931 - Oh, quick thinking, George! - George: There. 500 00:45:24,972 --> 00:45:27,767 - He took the necronomicon. - The what-icon? 501 00:45:27,808 --> 00:45:29,560 Claudia: The creepy old book. 502 00:45:37,193 --> 00:45:38,778 - Man: And be sure to stick around for 503 00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:40,363 a very special live episode of 504 00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,406 "Mrs. Bookberry's magical library," 505 00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:46,118 coming up next only on wqps channel 13. 506 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:48,663 - That video feed is from the Chicago affiliate. 507 00:45:48,704 --> 00:45:50,706 They switch over to "bookberry" at 6 o'clock. 508 00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:55,253 - I - that's, like... now. 509 00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:58,422 - Mrs. Bookberry: Welcome to my library, children. 510 00:45:58,464 --> 00:46:02,093 Henrietta and I have a very special book 511 00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:05,263 to read to you tonight. 512 00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:09,642 - And you fuckers are gonna love it! 513 00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:11,227 - I'm so fired. 514 00:46:11,269 --> 00:46:14,563 - If she reads that on live television... 515 00:46:14,605 --> 00:46:15,605 - She won't. 516 00:46:22,071 --> 00:46:24,323 - Mrs. Bookberry: Listen, my children, 517 00:46:24,365 --> 00:46:28,703 and pledge your souls to the book. 518 00:46:42,967 --> 00:46:48,222 Who dare interrupts the dark text? 519 00:46:48,264 --> 00:46:49,890 - I'm responsible for the program quality 520 00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:52,727 of channel 13, and this show... 521 00:46:52,768 --> 00:46:55,021 Does not meet wqps standards. 522 00:46:55,062 --> 00:46:57,189 - Mrs. Bookberry: And what are you gonna do about it? 523 00:47:02,445 --> 00:47:04,780 - We're gonna beat the devil outta you. 524 00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:37,938 - Groovy. 525 00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:41,525 Claudia, get the book! 526 00:47:49,992 --> 00:47:52,495 - Uh, Ted? Are you okay? 527 00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:57,833 - I think I'll get the Camaro. 528 00:48:02,546 --> 00:48:05,549 Goodman: We want your soul! 529 00:48:05,591 --> 00:48:07,301 - The children must hear the words! 530 00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:09,428 The book hungers for young souls! 531 00:48:09,470 --> 00:48:12,056 - Hell no! - I'm cutting your budget! 532 00:48:14,767 --> 00:48:17,311 - I'm cutting your budget! - Woman: Hey, kids! 533 00:48:17,353 --> 00:48:20,147 What are you watching in there? 534 00:48:20,189 --> 00:48:23,859 - Do your park! - Pledge to the book! 535 00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:32,701 - What's amazing find you are! 536 00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:37,456 Let's open you up and see what's inside you! 537 00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,479 Norm, get the goddamn puppet! 538 00:48:42,503 --> 00:48:44,630 - No, let go of me! - Norm, get the puppet! 539 00:48:44,672 --> 00:48:47,591 - Pledge to the book! 540 00:48:51,679 --> 00:48:55,599 - Pledge to the book! - Pledge to the book! 541 00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:57,285 Norm: I don't think so! 542 00:48:57,309 --> 00:49:01,230 Not today! 543 00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:08,195 - Claudia: The book, norm, the book! 544 00:49:08,237 --> 00:49:09,864 Norm, you've gotta lock the book! 545 00:49:52,364 --> 00:49:54,366 - Norm: We'll go back in with our fan brush 546 00:49:54,408 --> 00:49:58,162 and tap away at the sap green, 547 00:49:58,204 --> 00:50:01,332 and then give our happy little trees some friends. 548 00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:04,126 Just a nice little community of trees. 549 00:50:04,168 --> 00:50:05,479 - Just got off the phone with Chicago. 550 00:50:05,503 --> 00:50:06,837 - Mm-hmm. 551 00:50:06,879 --> 00:50:09,632 They want "love of painting" to go national. 552 00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:11,800 - You're kidding? 553 00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:15,596 Mrs. Bookberry was decapitated on live TV. 554 00:50:15,638 --> 00:50:17,640 - Everyone thinks it was a publicity stunt. 555 00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:20,226 They don't care. We got lucky. 556 00:50:20,267 --> 00:50:22,019 "Maybe it is Karma." 557 00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,398 - Shut up. 558 00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:32,029 - Trees are like people. - Thank you, friends. 559 00:50:32,071 --> 00:50:34,740 Hope you all make some good friends today. 560 00:50:34,782 --> 00:50:39,537 From all of us here, happy painting, and god bless. 561 00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:42,706 Woman: Kanda estrata...