1 00:01:12,584 --> 00:01:13,584 Having fun? 2 00:01:14,113 --> 00:01:15,547 Oh, it's amazing. 3 00:01:15,547 --> 00:01:18,050 - It's... - I didn't realize stagette parties were this wild. 4 00:01:18,050 --> 00:01:19,500 It's the warm-up for your honeymoon. 5 00:01:20,001 --> 00:01:23,437 Now come on, follow the Leda. 6 00:01:23,437 --> 00:01:24,438 This way. 7 00:01:33,377 --> 00:01:34,828 Is this the happy couple? 8 00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:36,746 Sickening, isn't it? 9 00:01:36,746 --> 00:01:38,748 They want their fortune told. 10 00:01:38,748 --> 00:01:41,750 Please, I am not a gypsy, Rose-Louise. 11 00:01:41,750 --> 00:01:45,636 I am a trained tarotitian. 12 00:01:45,636 --> 00:01:46,619 Now... 13 00:01:46,619 --> 00:01:49,005 shall we see what the cards have in store? 14 00:01:49,005 --> 00:01:50,507 Oh. 15 00:01:50,507 --> 00:01:52,424 Oh. 16 00:01:52,925 --> 00:01:54,375 Uh-huh. 17 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:55,376 When is the special day? 18 00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:57,794 This Saturday. 19 00:01:57,794 --> 00:01:58,796 Uh-oh. 20 00:01:58,796 --> 00:01:59,730 - What? - What? 21 00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:02,648 I'm sorry, girls, but you can't possibly 22 00:02:02,648 --> 00:02:04,150 get married this Saturday. 23 00:02:04,150 --> 00:02:06,101 Didn't you know? 24 00:02:06,101 --> 00:02:08,103 Mercury is in retrograde. 25 00:02:08,103 --> 00:02:11,605 A time of extreme imbalance in the universe. 26 00:02:11,605 --> 00:02:13,489 Upheaval. Miscommunication. 27 00:02:13,489 --> 00:02:14,924 And misunderstandings 28 00:02:14,924 --> 00:02:17,866 resulting in serious discord for everyone. 29 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,311 Oh... 30 00:02:19,311 --> 00:02:21,262 Yeah, but is it going to rain? 31 00:02:22,663 --> 00:02:24,664 Signing contracts, making pacts, 32 00:02:24,664 --> 00:02:27,666 Taking vows. No. No. Not now. 33 00:02:27,666 --> 00:02:29,168 It'll be a total disaster. 34 00:02:29,168 --> 00:02:31,669 A catastrophe. But... 35 00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:33,104 on a positive note, 36 00:02:33,604 --> 00:02:35,055 you'll redecorate your dining room 37 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:37,022 around June in aqua and maroon. 38 00:02:37,022 --> 00:02:41,510 And it will be stunning. 39 00:02:50,017 --> 00:02:52,518 So, what do you get two dykes who have everything? 40 00:02:52,528 --> 00:02:56,520 Dykes don't have everything. That's why they're so miserable. 41 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,023 Well, unfortunately, matching penis transplants 42 00:02:59,023 --> 00:03:02,025 are a little pricey for a poor shopkeeper like myself. 43 00:03:02,025 --> 00:03:04,009 Silver-plated dental dams? 44 00:03:04,510 --> 00:03:07,011 Ooh, a specially engraved double-headed dildo? 45 00:03:07,011 --> 00:03:08,464 How about stemware? 46 00:03:08,464 --> 00:03:10,465 Honey, dildos are stemware. 47 00:03:11,466 --> 00:03:12,466 A water buffalo. 48 00:03:12,466 --> 00:03:14,383 What? 49 00:03:14,383 --> 00:03:16,335 Lesbians are into endangered species. 50 00:03:16,335 --> 00:03:18,337 Yeah, unfortunately they aren't one of them. 51 00:03:18,337 --> 00:03:20,088 Oh, you guys are brutal. 52 00:03:20,098 --> 00:03:22,290 We need to get them something that shows we care. 53 00:03:22,290 --> 00:03:23,491 Something special. 54 00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:24,495 Well, I'd go shopping with you, 55 00:03:24,499 --> 00:03:26,493 but, uh, I'm actually picking out 56 00:03:26,493 --> 00:03:28,294 a very special gift for myself. 57 00:03:28,778 --> 00:03:30,662 Yes, boys. I have finally 58 00:03:30,672 --> 00:03:32,297 saved up enough cash 59 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:33,798 whacking away on Teddy's house of porn, 60 00:03:33,798 --> 00:03:36,516 to buy me that brand new ass I've always wanted. 61 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,186 You're really getting plastic surgery? 62 00:03:39,196 --> 00:03:41,403 The landscape is littered with slaves to beauty 63 00:03:41,403 --> 00:03:43,405 who have noses that are too small, 64 00:03:43,405 --> 00:03:44,906 tits that are too big. 65 00:03:44,906 --> 00:03:46,407 You could end up the next cosmetic casualty. 66 00:03:46,407 --> 00:03:48,341 It's true. What if they make a mistake? 67 00:03:48,341 --> 00:03:50,794 Like accidentally sewing up your asshole? 68 00:03:50,794 --> 00:03:52,711 Well, you'll just have to chew me a new one. 69 00:03:52,711 --> 00:03:54,213 You're so good at it. 70 00:03:54,222 --> 00:03:57,214 At least wait a week until Mercury's out of retrograde. 71 00:03:57,214 --> 00:03:59,717 Boy, you actually believe in that shit? 72 00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,169 There is evidence that upheavals in our solar system 73 00:04:02,169 --> 00:04:04,170 can cause disturbances here on earth. 74 00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:08,588 Blaming the planets for your fuck-ups is just an excuse not to accept responsibility. 75 00:04:12,409 --> 00:04:13,393 Gentlemen! 76 00:04:13,393 --> 00:04:14,878 It's time to pick the winner 77 00:04:14,878 --> 00:04:17,830 of the Liberty Avenue AIDS hospice charity raffle. 78 00:04:19,832 --> 00:04:21,816 Now somebody's going on an all-expense paid trip for two 79 00:04:21,816 --> 00:04:25,202 to this weekend's white party in Miami. 80 00:04:25,202 --> 00:04:27,186 Can I get a drum roll please? 81 00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:37,910 And the luckiest prick in Pittsburgh is... 82 00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:38,912 Brian Kinney. 83 00:04:43,849 --> 00:04:45,850 Yeah, I don't know. The planets don't seem to be fucking with me. 84 00:04:47,351 --> 00:04:48,786 Oh, yeah? How do you plan to go away 85 00:04:48,786 --> 00:04:50,787 and still be at Melanie and Lindsay's wedding? 86 00:04:59,744 --> 00:05:01,745 Oh, no. 87 00:05:02,245 --> 00:05:03,246 Vic? 88 00:05:03,246 --> 00:05:05,748 - What's the matter? - You okay, Uncle Vic? 89 00:05:06,248 --> 00:05:09,251 See for yourself. 90 00:05:09,251 --> 00:05:11,202 They're re-evaluating your disability? 91 00:05:11,202 --> 00:05:13,153 And if they take it away, there goes my share 92 00:05:13,153 --> 00:05:15,154 of our monthly income. 93 00:05:15,154 --> 00:05:16,639 Well, goddamn it! 94 00:05:16,639 --> 00:05:18,640 What kind of fucked up universe 95 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,643 would snatch my brother from the jaws of death 96 00:05:21,643 --> 00:05:23,644 only to slowly starve both of us 97 00:05:23,644 --> 00:05:25,145 out of house and home? 98 00:05:25,645 --> 00:05:27,146 Ben says it's got to do with Mercury. 99 00:05:27,647 --> 00:05:28,614 Oh, does he? 100 00:05:28,614 --> 00:05:30,617 Look, don't panic. I can help out. 101 00:05:31,116 --> 00:05:32,551 No! 102 00:05:32,551 --> 00:05:33,551 Michael, this is a sign. 103 00:05:33,551 --> 00:05:35,553 If I lose my benefits, then... 104 00:05:35,553 --> 00:05:37,554 I'll just have to get back to work. 105 00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:40,023 Are you sure? 106 00:05:40,023 --> 00:05:42,024 Once upon a time, I was a pretty decent chef. 107 00:05:42,024 --> 00:05:44,492 Decent? 108 00:05:44,492 --> 00:05:45,493 Decent? 109 00:05:45,493 --> 00:05:47,845 He was another Sara Lee. 110 00:05:47,845 --> 00:05:48,829 I'll take that as the compliment 111 00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:52,331 That I'm sure was intended. 112 00:05:52,331 --> 00:05:54,333 The trick will be finding somebody willing to hire me. 113 00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:55,767 Well, there's no shortage of restaurants. 114 00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:58,752 There's also no shortage of chefs. 115 00:05:58,752 --> 00:06:00,254 I'm rusty as an old skillet. 116 00:06:00,721 --> 00:06:02,673 And when they find out why I haven't been working, 117 00:06:03,156 --> 00:06:05,091 their souffles will drop. 118 00:06:05,591 --> 00:06:07,593 Would you stop talking yourself out of a job 119 00:06:07,593 --> 00:06:12,547 before you even get one? 120 00:06:12,547 --> 00:06:14,981 What if I got you a shift at the diner? 121 00:06:14,981 --> 00:06:17,883 We could work together. 122 00:06:20,819 --> 00:06:21,819 Come on. 123 00:06:21,819 --> 00:06:24,321 In selecting your ideal derriere, 124 00:06:24,321 --> 00:06:26,823 it's very important that you be happy with your choice, 125 00:06:26,823 --> 00:06:28,324 since it'll be following you around 126 00:06:28,324 --> 00:06:29,775 for a long, long time. 127 00:06:29,775 --> 00:06:30,776 Right. 128 00:06:30,776 --> 00:06:32,228 Our catalog will help. 129 00:06:32,228 --> 00:06:35,713 Thanks. 130 00:06:35,713 --> 00:06:38,998 Wow, so many to choose from. 131 00:06:39,198 --> 00:06:40,900 Pear shape, melon shape. 132 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:45,187 Each with its own unique personality. 133 00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:47,622 God. How am I ever going to decide? 134 00:06:47,622 --> 00:06:51,107 Well, sometimes it helps to see them in the flesh. 135 00:06:51,107 --> 00:06:53,093 My staff have all had work done 136 00:06:53,093 --> 00:06:54,560 and they'd be more than willing to show you 137 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,961 our most popular models. 138 00:06:56,061 --> 00:06:57,495 Somebody loves his job. 139 00:06:58,463 --> 00:06:59,964 When you work in a bakery, 140 00:06:59,964 --> 00:07:03,467 it's hard to resist the buns. 141 00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:05,418 Gerald? Tell the boys to come in. 142 00:07:05,418 --> 00:07:06,919 Yes, doctor. 143 00:07:11,907 --> 00:07:12,907 Oh! 144 00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:26,750 Mr. Honeycutt's having difficulty making up his mind. 145 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,184 Wow, they're all so beautiful. 146 00:07:29,184 --> 00:07:31,171 I did them all myself. 147 00:07:31,171 --> 00:07:33,138 I also did their asses. 148 00:07:33,138 --> 00:07:34,639 Oh. 149 00:07:34,639 --> 00:07:35,640 So take a good, close look. 150 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:37,641 Feel free to touch. 151 00:07:37,641 --> 00:07:39,644 Firmness and flexibility are key factors. 152 00:07:41,144 --> 00:07:43,629 Double bubble. 153 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,630 Good skin tone. 154 00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:46,631 Really, uh, 155 00:07:46,631 --> 00:07:49,066 really gives a boy something to... 156 00:07:49,066 --> 00:07:51,952 hold on to. 157 00:07:51,952 --> 00:07:53,886 Oh, dimples. 158 00:07:53,886 --> 00:07:56,388 All the rage this year. 159 00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,389 Looks like little twin puddings 160 00:07:57,889 --> 00:08:00,342 just begging to be tasted. 161 00:08:00,342 --> 00:08:02,343 Oh, hello, gorgeous. 162 00:08:02,843 --> 00:08:05,312 Whoo! Look at that. 163 00:08:05,312 --> 00:08:06,812 It's a great give, you know? 164 00:08:07,313 --> 00:08:10,733 You could stretch it out and it'd still hold its shape. 165 00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:14,668 God, they're all so tempting, Dr. Beamer, 166 00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:18,120 Um, but how do I know what'll look good on me? 167 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,039 I can show you on my digital imaging system. 168 00:08:20,039 --> 00:08:21,490 Or, if you prefer, 169 00:08:21,991 --> 00:08:22,907 we can do a custom design. 170 00:08:22,907 --> 00:08:24,409 Of course, that would be extra. 171 00:08:24,409 --> 00:08:26,360 Well, now is definitely not the time 172 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,860 to sit on one's wallet. 173 00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:29,863 - Let's do it. - Good. 174 00:08:29,863 --> 00:08:32,315 We faxed those orders weeks ago. 175 00:08:32,315 --> 00:08:35,317 No... weeks ago. 176 00:08:36,317 --> 00:08:37,818 Many days ago. 177 00:08:37,828 --> 00:08:40,819 Look, is there somebody there who speaks English as a first language? 178 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,772 Pardon? 179 00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:45,240 Oh... Lindsay! 180 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,241 Oh, God. Gus just ate the seating plan. 181 00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:48,743 We do not have the order. 182 00:08:48,743 --> 00:08:51,345 So, what are you going to serve 183 00:08:51,355 --> 00:08:54,246 my 24 no dairy, no yeast, no wheat kosher vegans? 184 00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:01,169 Sweetheart, oh my God. 185 00:09:01,169 --> 00:09:03,671 What's the matter? 186 00:09:03,671 --> 00:09:06,673 Have... a panic... 187 00:09:06,673 --> 00:09:09,174 attack. 188 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,676 Oh, my god! 189 00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:12,678 Bloating. I... 190 00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:14,679 Look. I can't even... 191 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,680 put on my shoe. 192 00:09:18,181 --> 00:09:20,673 It's just a little anxiety related water retension. 193 00:09:20,684 --> 00:09:21,684 It's... 194 00:09:22,184 --> 00:09:25,687 - I'm as big as Lake Michigan. - No! No! 195 00:09:25,687 --> 00:09:27,688 No! No! 196 00:09:27,688 --> 00:09:28,689 No, you're not. 197 00:09:28,689 --> 00:09:32,191 Here. Breathe into this. There we go. 198 00:09:32,692 --> 00:09:36,194 Okay, there we go. Okay. Lie down. 199 00:09:36,695 --> 00:09:37,695 Put your feet up. 200 00:09:38,195 --> 00:09:40,196 That's it. 201 00:09:41,199 --> 00:09:44,633 I am not going to get into my dress. 202 00:09:44,643 --> 00:09:45,734 You know, I thought we agreed, 203 00:09:45,744 --> 00:09:47,135 no weird lesbo sex in front of the kid. 204 00:09:47,236 --> 00:09:49,103 Fuck off, Brian! 205 00:09:49,103 --> 00:09:50,704 Fine. I just dropped by to let you know 206 00:09:50,714 --> 00:09:51,905 I'm not going to be at the wedding. 207 00:09:51,915 --> 00:09:54,484 I'm going to the white party in Miami instead. 208 00:09:54,491 --> 00:09:54,991 Later. 209 00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:57,059 You can't ditch my special day! 210 00:09:57,069 --> 00:09:58,443 You selfish prick. 211 00:09:58,443 --> 00:10:01,586 As usual, objectivity falls to me. Think. 212 00:10:01,596 --> 00:10:03,537 You don't really want me there, do you? 213 00:10:03,547 --> 00:10:06,022 I'd have to be chemically dependent just to show up. 214 00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:08,034 I'll be drunk, I'll be bored, 215 00:10:08,034 --> 00:10:11,204 not to mention better looking than the brides. 216 00:10:11,703 --> 00:10:13,138 I'll offend all the dykes, I'll heckle the ceremony. 217 00:10:13,138 --> 00:10:15,128 Table dance at the reception 218 00:10:15,139 --> 00:10:16,640 and inevitably fuck every goodlooking guy, 219 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,641 gay, straight or undecided in the place. 220 00:10:18,641 --> 00:10:21,144 Finally, I'll pass out naked 221 00:10:21,144 --> 00:10:23,145 bitching about the cheap booze. 222 00:10:23,145 --> 00:10:25,936 You'll lose your dignity, your friends and your shirts paying for the damages. 223 00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:32,085 Hell, I'm doing you a favour getting out of town. 224 00:10:32,085 --> 00:10:34,506 Have a safe trip. 225 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,010 I can't go on. 226 00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:47,512 We've walked, how far? 100 blocks in, what, 100 hours? 227 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:51,016 - Try two blocks in about 11 minutes. - Oh. 228 00:10:51,016 --> 00:10:53,517 Seems a lot longer when you're shopping for lesbians. 229 00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:56,019 I still say a wedding gift should be something romantic. 230 00:10:56,019 --> 00:10:59,521 - You know, like this. - Lingerie? 231 00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:01,523 I thought you said "romantic"? 232 00:11:02,024 --> 00:11:05,525 You want to get two dykes a romantic gift? 233 00:11:05,525 --> 00:11:06,526 Get them this. 234 00:11:06,537 --> 00:11:08,527 Powertools? That's romantic? 235 00:11:08,527 --> 00:11:09,952 For dykes they are. 236 00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:14,432 Oh, and for only $499.00 these beauties are a steal. 237 00:11:14,432 --> 00:11:16,934 Only? I can barely afford a screw. 238 00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:19,435 Well, fortunately you have Ben. 239 00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:23,889 I'll cover it, we'll just say it's from both of us. 240 00:11:23,899 --> 00:11:25,823 - I can't let you do that. - I can afford it. 241 00:11:27,174 --> 00:11:29,178 Oh, shit. 242 00:11:31,178 --> 00:11:33,179 Shit. 243 00:11:33,179 --> 00:11:34,680 - What? - I'd better get back to the studio. 244 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:37,181 I've got a three-way at half past 4:00. 245 00:11:37,682 --> 00:11:39,173 Or is it a four-way at half past 3:00? 246 00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:42,153 I can't remember. Here. Take this. 247 00:11:42,153 --> 00:11:46,501 What am I supposed to get? The power tools or the lingerie. 248 00:11:46,572 --> 00:11:47,540 You decide. Whatever you pick, 249 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,024 I'm sure it'll be the perfect gift. 250 00:11:50,024 --> 00:12:01,500 Bye. 251 00:12:13,992 --> 00:12:15,476 Hello, Mon! 252 00:12:15,476 --> 00:12:16,978 Welcome. 253 00:12:16,978 --> 00:12:20,412 Come take a look here. 254 00:12:20,412 --> 00:12:21,414 These are amazing. 255 00:12:21,414 --> 00:12:22,865 Where are they from? 256 00:12:22,865 --> 00:12:25,850 From a little country in Africa right next to Chad. 257 00:12:25,850 --> 00:12:31,343 It's called Chuck. My people have lived there for centuries in peace and harmony. 258 00:12:31,355 --> 00:12:33,356 Making love and art. 259 00:12:33,356 --> 00:12:37,359 Hmm. 260 00:12:37,359 --> 00:12:39,293 Isn't she beautiful? 261 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,251 Her name is Haza-Ri. 262 00:12:41,263 --> 00:12:44,214 Goddess of love and pride. 263 00:12:44,214 --> 00:12:46,165 How much is she? 264 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,166 $600. 265 00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:49,967 I only have $500. 266 00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:52,119 That would be $600 Chuck dollars. 267 00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:53,621 $500 American. 268 00:12:58,007 --> 00:13:00,942 Competition, world class. 269 00:13:01,443 --> 00:13:03,444 Wardrobe, crucial. 270 00:13:03,444 --> 00:13:06,948 Margin for error, zero. 271 00:13:08,948 --> 00:13:12,938 So long, Pittsburgh. Hello, Miami Vice. 272 00:13:19,038 --> 00:13:23,042 I thought your all-expense paid fuckfest was just for the weekend. 273 00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:25,043 Well, each party has its own theme. 274 00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:27,495 And a strict dress code. 275 00:13:27,495 --> 00:13:32,489 The White Party. 15,000 horny queers all in white. 276 00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:33,984 I'll be busy, too. 277 00:13:33,984 --> 00:13:35,951 I have a paper due on Renaissance Art. 278 00:13:35,951 --> 00:13:38,309 Then there's the muscle beach party. 279 00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:39,804 Then there's the laundry. 280 00:13:39,804 --> 00:13:41,712 And of course the wedding. 281 00:13:41,723 --> 00:13:44,157 And I musn't forget the Cabana boy contest. 282 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,592 I have to remember to write my grandmother. 283 00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:47,994 Fuck! 284 00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,862 I've got dick-all to wear to the white dawn bash. 285 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:54,348 Will you even need clothes by then? 286 00:13:54,348 --> 00:13:55,849 Not if you've got anything to say about it. 287 00:13:55,849 --> 00:13:57,800 You're taking me? 288 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,218 If you can tear yourself away from your granny's letter. 289 00:14:00,218 --> 00:14:01,653 Oh, thank you! 290 00:14:02,154 --> 00:14:04,122 Thank you, thank you, thank you! 291 00:14:04,122 --> 00:14:07,625 Shit! What am i gonna wear? 292 00:14:20,866 --> 00:14:23,369 You are not gonna believe what I got them. 293 00:14:23,369 --> 00:14:25,870 - What we got them. - What... what is it? 294 00:14:26,371 --> 00:14:28,372 No, you'll see, it's a surprise. 295 00:14:28,872 --> 00:14:30,257 What'd you get them? 296 00:14:30,257 --> 00:14:33,260 The best gift of all. My absence. 297 00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:34,961 All right, judges. 298 00:14:35,128 --> 00:14:37,579 Time to make your final decision. 299 00:14:37,579 --> 00:14:43,891 Which of the following three choices will it be? 300 00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:44,851 Well, if you choose number one, 301 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,853 you'll look exactly like, uh... 302 00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,355 Michael. 303 00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:50,778 Go with number two. 304 00:14:50,788 --> 00:14:52,274 You'll look just like the rear end of a '72 Impala. 305 00:14:52,274 --> 00:14:55,182 Number three's pert and perky. 306 00:14:55,192 --> 00:14:58,127 Though it might be too small for the rest of your features. 307 00:14:58,127 --> 00:15:00,612 Perhaps I need an artist's opinion. 308 00:15:00,612 --> 00:15:07,017 Justin, w-hich do you find to be most esthetically pleasing? 309 00:15:07,017 --> 00:15:09,018 This one. 310 00:15:09,018 --> 00:15:11,020 It successfully integrates form and function 311 00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:13,422 into an elegant whole, but at the same time, 312 00:15:13,432 --> 00:15:14,022 it's in good taste. 313 00:15:14,022 --> 00:15:16,475 He doesn't want an ass with good taste. 314 00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:19,459 He wants an ass that tastes good. 315 00:15:19,459 --> 00:15:22,762 Thank you, sweetheart. 316 00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:23,786 Well, boys, 317 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,214 shall we dance? 318 00:15:25,214 --> 00:15:27,632 I need my beauty rest for the white party. 319 00:15:27,632 --> 00:15:28,883 Now that you're over 30, 320 00:15:28,893 --> 00:15:30,573 shouldn't you be going to the gray party? 321 00:15:30,584 --> 00:15:31,535 You should be going 322 00:15:31,535 --> 00:15:33,954 to Melanie and Lindsay's wedding. 323 00:15:34,454 --> 00:15:36,954 You'll be there, you can cry for both of us. 324 00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:46,379 You know what? 325 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,381 Every time something big happens, 326 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:51,316 my moving away, your fucking 30th birthday party, 327 00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,808 you pull the elusive Brian Kinney bit and bail. 328 00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:55,319 Why is that? 329 00:15:55,319 --> 00:15:58,321 You know, if that's a rhetorical question not requiring an answer, 330 00:15:58,321 --> 00:16:01,256 pardon me while I take a leak. 331 00:16:01,256 --> 00:16:04,193 You know what i think it is? 332 00:16:04,193 --> 00:16:07,163 I think you're afraid to let anyone know that you love them. 333 00:16:07,627 --> 00:16:11,630 That you have feelings like the rest of us. 334 00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:15,067 It's okay to be human, you know. 335 00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:17,068 Okay. 336 00:16:17,068 --> 00:16:21,004 You really want to know the reason I bail? 337 00:16:21,004 --> 00:16:25,875 The truth is, I'd rather get laid. 338 00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:28,616 We done? 339 00:16:36,616 --> 00:16:39,917 Does he always kiss you like that? 340 00:16:39,927 --> 00:16:41,619 About four times a year. 341 00:16:42,121 --> 00:16:45,622 Usually when he's really drunk or he wants me to shut up. 342 00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:54,045 I stick it and spin. 343 00:16:54,045 --> 00:16:55,946 Okay? Now when it's ready, 344 00:16:56,046 --> 00:16:58,048 you plate 'em, you drop the tab under the dish, 345 00:16:58,048 --> 00:17:00,533 you throw it here and then you ring the bell. 346 00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:02,034 Got it? 347 00:17:02,034 --> 00:17:04,536 Stick it, spin 'em, drop 'em. 348 00:17:04,536 --> 00:17:05,971 What'd I tell you? 349 00:17:05,971 --> 00:17:07,972 Short ordering's no different than being a chef. 350 00:17:07,972 --> 00:17:09,406 Just faster. 351 00:17:09,406 --> 00:17:12,859 Hey, we got hustle in our blood. 352 00:17:12,859 --> 00:17:17,352 Okay, now I'm going to give you your first tip. 353 00:17:17,361 --> 00:17:19,863 No matter what happens, don't panic. 354 00:17:19,863 --> 00:17:22,281 Just take your time, okay? 355 00:17:22,281 --> 00:17:24,634 Your worst is fucking good enough 356 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,235 for this joint. 357 00:17:26,235 --> 00:17:29,721 Okay? 358 00:17:29,721 --> 00:17:31,655 It's not such a big deal. 359 00:17:31,655 --> 00:17:35,159 Hey, Debbie. We need a couple of black coffees to go. 360 00:17:35,159 --> 00:17:36,142 They were specially engraved 361 00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:43,498 with our names on them and everything. 362 00:17:43,498 --> 00:17:44,498 I hate to tell you gals, 363 00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:46,499 but for the happy couple, 364 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,001 you look fucking miserable. 365 00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:49,458 Rosenberg's Jewelry called. 366 00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:51,470 They can't find our wedding rings. 367 00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:54,289 You can use my nipple rings. 368 00:17:54,289 --> 00:17:55,790 Loads of sentimental value. 369 00:17:55,790 --> 00:17:56,774 To me. 370 00:17:56,774 --> 00:17:57,774 Thanks, honey. 371 00:17:57,774 --> 00:18:01,265 - But it just wouldn't be the same. - Listen, no. 372 00:18:01,277 --> 00:18:02,695 We're not going to allow Mercury 373 00:18:02,695 --> 00:18:04,686 or anything else to fuck up our wedding. 374 00:18:04,697 --> 00:18:07,632 Everything's going ahead as planned. 375 00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:10,550 Uh... not exactly everything. 376 00:18:10,550 --> 00:18:12,474 More good news? 377 00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:13,986 Brian invited me to the White Party. 378 00:18:13,986 --> 00:18:15,471 And you said? 379 00:18:15,471 --> 00:18:18,356 That I'd go. 380 00:18:18,356 --> 00:18:20,324 It's a once in a lifetime thing. 381 00:18:20,324 --> 00:18:23,694 So is getting married. 382 00:18:23,694 --> 00:18:24,977 'Course there are no hard bodies. 383 00:18:24,987 --> 00:18:27,663 No drugs, no thousands of dicks. 384 00:18:28,113 --> 00:18:30,114 Just two people saying "I do". 385 00:18:30,114 --> 00:18:33,050 You're right, how could it possibly compare? 386 00:18:33,050 --> 00:18:34,502 It's okay. 387 00:18:34,502 --> 00:18:37,459 - After all Justin's been through... - Yeah, he deserves a break. 388 00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:40,856 Have a great time. 389 00:18:43,808 --> 00:18:45,299 Oh, that fucking Brian. 390 00:18:45,309 --> 00:18:47,800 It's bad enough he's not coming, does he have to poach our ring bearer as well? 391 00:18:47,811 --> 00:18:49,312 What does it matter? There are no rings. 392 00:18:49,312 --> 00:18:53,315 Hey, honey. 393 00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:54,316 Hello? 394 00:18:55,817 --> 00:18:57,818 I'm sorry, what? 395 00:18:57,818 --> 00:19:00,303 - I don't understand. - It must be the caterer. 396 00:19:00,303 --> 00:19:03,305 Jo, what kosher vegan delicacy have you whipped up? 397 00:19:03,315 --> 00:19:04,306 I'm sorry... 398 00:19:04,306 --> 00:19:07,775 Oh, wait. Listen you bleeding asshole! 399 00:19:07,775 --> 00:19:09,759 I'm a lawyer, we have a contract, we'll sue. 400 00:19:09,759 --> 00:19:12,761 - Sue? - Oh, that word you understand. 401 00:19:12,761 --> 00:19:15,231 Something wrong? 402 00:19:15,231 --> 00:19:18,215 The caterer and the hall have been shut down by the Health Department, 403 00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,157 for salmonella poisoning. 404 00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,169 - Is that all? - Is that all. Is that all? 405 00:19:22,169 --> 00:19:24,170 We have no food, we have no place to eat the food. 406 00:19:25,175 --> 00:19:27,657 Okay, if you don't mind, 407 00:19:27,657 --> 00:19:30,659 I think I'll lie down for a bit, okay? 408 00:19:35,663 --> 00:19:37,647 You spent $500... 409 00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:40,149 My $500 on that? 410 00:19:40,149 --> 00:19:41,150 It was a steal. 411 00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:42,150 Yeah, and I'm the one that got robbed. 412 00:19:42,150 --> 00:19:43,152 Look, just take it back. 413 00:19:43,152 --> 00:19:44,585 I can't take it back. 414 00:19:44,585 --> 00:19:45,536 What store did you buy it at? 415 00:19:45,536 --> 00:19:47,537 I didn't get it at a store. 416 00:19:47,537 --> 00:19:48,538 Where'd you get it? 417 00:19:48,538 --> 00:19:49,471 Off a blanket. 418 00:19:49,471 --> 00:19:51,390 A blanket? 419 00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:53,392 You bought Lindsay and Melanie's wedding gift 420 00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:54,893 from some streetcorner shyster? 421 00:19:54,893 --> 00:19:55,860 It's from Chuck. 422 00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:57,362 It's a little country next to Chad. 423 00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,813 Chuck? Chad? They sound like a couple of homos. 424 00:19:59,813 --> 00:20:01,797 - It's the perfect gift. - Perfectly hideous. 425 00:20:01,797 --> 00:20:03,799 - It's a work of art! - It's a piece of shit. 426 00:20:03,799 --> 00:20:05,800 It's symbolic of love and pride. 427 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,736 It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste. 428 00:20:07,736 --> 00:20:09,236 You take that back. 429 00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:11,054 I can't. I got it off a blanket. 430 00:20:11,054 --> 00:20:12,505 Look, the next time you want to buy a gift, 431 00:20:12,505 --> 00:20:13,507 buy it yourself. 432 00:20:13,507 --> 00:20:15,425 That's what I was counting on you for. 433 00:20:15,425 --> 00:20:17,860 Yeah, you were too busy bringing joy to the world. 434 00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:19,334 Look, just because I'm a success... 435 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,251 You can take your success and shove it. 436 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:23,722 And I'm sure you won't have any trouble figuring out where. 437 00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,653 Yeah, I'll just ask Chuck and Chad. 438 00:20:32,653 --> 00:20:35,656 I'm sorry, George. 439 00:20:35,656 --> 00:20:37,157 I've made up my mind. 440 00:20:37,157 --> 00:20:40,159 But it's such... 441 00:20:40,159 --> 00:20:41,660 a beautiful bottom. 442 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:43,595 It'll do in a pinch. 443 00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:44,596 I'll say. 444 00:20:44,596 --> 00:20:46,597 Besides, you're too young. 445 00:20:46,597 --> 00:20:53,999 I mean, plastic surgery is just for foolish old men who refuse to grow old gracefully. 446 00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,554 What about Michael Jackson? 447 00:20:56,554 --> 00:20:58,055 And Elizabeth Taylor? 448 00:20:58,055 --> 00:20:59,556 And Cher? 449 00:20:59,556 --> 00:21:02,491 Well, I can't speak for their backsides, 450 00:21:02,491 --> 00:21:03,994 only yours. 451 00:21:03,994 --> 00:21:05,494 Thank you. 452 00:21:05,445 --> 00:21:08,402 But in my world, if you don't look like you 453 00:21:08,413 --> 00:21:10,914 just stepped out of a Calvin Klein underwear ad, 454 00:21:10,914 --> 00:21:11,915 you're nothing. 455 00:21:11,915 --> 00:21:14,902 Well, that's a world I'm happy not to know. 456 00:21:14,902 --> 00:21:16,852 Not to mention, 457 00:21:16,852 --> 00:21:19,354 it'll make me feel better about myself. 458 00:21:19,354 --> 00:21:22,306 You know, raise my self-esteem. 459 00:21:22,306 --> 00:21:25,242 Well, my wife Virginia felt similarly. 460 00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,743 Had herself snipped and clipped, 461 00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:29,161 eyes to thighs, swore it would change her life, too. 462 00:21:29,661 --> 00:21:31,112 And did it? 463 00:21:31,112 --> 00:21:33,547 She was the same miserable cunt she always was. 464 00:21:33,547 --> 00:21:37,000 Only without the wrinkles. 465 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,002 Emmett... 466 00:21:39,002 --> 00:21:40,002 forgive me. 467 00:21:40,002 --> 00:21:44,939 But anyone who values themself because of their ass... 468 00:21:44,939 --> 00:21:46,894 is an ass. 469 00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:53,896 Oh, I'm so sorry you're still waiting. 470 00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,397 More coffee? It's on the house. 471 00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:56,898 No? Okay. 472 00:21:56,898 --> 00:22:00,401 Um, your order is next, I promise you. 473 00:22:00,401 --> 00:22:03,402 All I want is a hamburger! 474 00:22:03,402 --> 00:22:06,405 Your order has been abducted by aliens, 475 00:22:06,905 --> 00:22:09,407 so don't give me those dirty looks. 476 00:22:10,908 --> 00:22:12,375 Hey, Debbie, what's up with my order? 477 00:22:13,376 --> 00:22:14,377 Hey! 478 00:22:14,878 --> 00:22:16,879 I have got orders coming out my ass, 479 00:22:16,879 --> 00:22:21,370 a room full of hungry homicidals and I don't have any clean plates 480 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:22,782 to do my set-ups with. 481 00:22:22,792 --> 00:22:24,835 What in the fuck is going on back here? 482 00:22:24,835 --> 00:22:26,320 You don't have to yell. 483 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,320 I'm right here. 484 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:28,721 Well, you could have fooled me. 485 00:22:28,731 --> 00:22:31,245 Do you think you could do a grilled cheese in under an hour? 486 00:22:31,256 --> 00:22:34,743 You told me to take my time. 487 00:22:34,743 --> 00:22:38,661 - Debbie! - I didn't mean your fucking lifetime. 488 00:22:39,162 --> 00:22:40,663 That does it. 489 00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,664 - Excuse me. - Who am I kidding? 490 00:22:42,664 --> 00:22:43,648 - Excuse me! - I can't do this. 491 00:22:43,648 --> 00:22:45,083 Where are you going? 492 00:22:45,083 --> 00:22:46,050 Home. 493 00:22:46,050 --> 00:22:47,551 You can't leave me like this. 494 00:22:47,551 --> 00:22:48,969 You're better off. 495 00:22:48,969 --> 00:22:51,971 I'm useless. I'm worse than useless. 496 00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:55,374 I'm ridiculous. 497 00:22:55,874 --> 00:23:01,333 Honey, there is no way we can squeeze that many guests into our house. 498 00:23:01,345 --> 00:23:03,346 Baby, we can move all the furniture into the garage. 499 00:23:03,346 --> 00:23:09,334 Lambskin, you'd have my 1000 year-old aunt stand all night? 500 00:23:09,334 --> 00:23:11,808 Pudding pie, she has a walker. 501 00:23:11,819 --> 00:23:12,809 She can lean. 502 00:23:12,819 --> 00:23:14,805 And what if, somehow, 503 00:23:14,805 --> 00:23:17,223 my little love button, 504 00:23:17,223 --> 00:23:22,115 we manage to overcome the laws of Physical Science and pack 'em all in? 505 00:23:22,126 --> 00:23:25,584 What the fuck are they going to see, besides each other's nose hair? 506 00:23:25,596 --> 00:23:30,037 - You're not even trying to make this work. - And you're not even trying to make sense. 507 00:23:30,049 --> 00:23:32,500 - There's no need to be abusive. - I wasn't being abusive. 508 00:23:32,517 --> 00:23:37,820 - I was merely expressing... frustration. - So now I'm frustrating? 509 00:23:37,971 --> 00:23:39,905 I didn't say that. 510 00:23:40,890 --> 00:23:42,824 Cleaning's here. 511 00:23:45,276 --> 00:23:47,245 Yours, Mel. 512 00:23:47,245 --> 00:23:50,747 And what was yours, Linz. 513 00:23:50,747 --> 00:23:55,134 Apparently the dry-cleaning solution was too... 514 00:23:55,134 --> 00:23:58,552 There's no need to explain. 515 00:23:58,552 --> 00:24:01,956 At this point in the plot, we all get it. 516 00:24:02,956 --> 00:24:07,426 But the good news is, they gave you $100 worth of coupons. 517 00:24:07,426 --> 00:24:08,927 Hurray. 518 00:24:09,427 --> 00:24:13,419 We will find you something else to wear, boo-boo. 519 00:24:13,431 --> 00:24:18,923 And we will have our beautiful, special fucking day. Goddamn it! 520 00:24:18,934 --> 00:24:22,436 Even if we have to do it nude in the backyard. 521 00:24:25,873 --> 00:24:30,876 Or maybe we can face reality. 522 00:24:30,876 --> 00:24:33,294 Mysterious Marilyn was right. 523 00:24:33,794 --> 00:24:36,737 Oh, not that Mercury in retrograde shit again. 524 00:24:36,747 --> 00:24:40,599 Our wedding's been methodically and systematically deconstructed. 525 00:24:40,609 --> 00:24:46,601 If you ask me, somebody up there doesn't think we should get married. 526 00:24:46,621 --> 00:24:48,122 Maybe there's a reason. 527 00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:54,425 Maybe that's because people like us... 528 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,879 aren't supposed to get married. 529 00:24:56,879 --> 00:24:58,296 Like us? 530 00:24:58,296 --> 00:25:01,955 Do you need the roof to cave in? 531 00:25:33,955 --> 00:25:36,948 You know, I'm reminded of a scene from "Alien". 532 00:25:36,958 --> 00:25:40,960 One of the great AIDS metaphor flicks of all time. 533 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,451 Our intrepid intergalactic garbage collectors, 534 00:25:43,461 --> 00:25:45,864 led by uber-bitch dyke Ripley, 535 00:25:45,874 --> 00:25:51,856 after who you've obviously modelled yourself, are snuggled safely in their sleep pods 536 00:25:51,868 --> 00:25:55,426 for the long ride home, when suddenly the monster appears. 537 00:25:55,438 --> 00:25:58,806 The wedding's off. 538 00:25:58,806 --> 00:26:00,808 You two have finally come to your senses? 539 00:26:00,808 --> 00:26:04,222 That's almost reason enough to interrupt my base coat. 540 00:26:04,243 --> 00:26:07,730 But not quite. 541 00:26:07,730 --> 00:26:09,721 It's because of Lindsay. 542 00:26:09,731 --> 00:26:11,733 She... 543 00:26:11,733 --> 00:26:13,233 She... 544 00:26:13,233 --> 00:26:15,669 She what? 545 00:26:15,669 --> 00:26:19,962 With all the disasters... and Mysterious Marilyn, 546 00:26:19,972 --> 00:26:21,896 Mercury in retrograde, 547 00:26:21,906 --> 00:26:23,407 and the rings and the food, 548 00:26:23,417 --> 00:26:26,093 and the hall and the dress. 549 00:26:26,093 --> 00:26:28,428 She thinks the wedding's not supposed to happen because... 550 00:26:28,438 --> 00:26:31,907 because we're gay. 551 00:26:31,914 --> 00:26:33,915 Christ. 552 00:26:33,915 --> 00:26:37,851 Send in a dyke to do a faggot's work. 553 00:26:39,352 --> 00:26:43,944 We have precisely 21 hours to get the munchers married. 554 00:26:43,955 --> 00:26:46,757 What? Are you crazy? We can't do that. 555 00:26:46,775 --> 00:26:48,576 Nobody knows wedding shit better than queers. 556 00:26:48,586 --> 00:26:50,527 We're at the florists, the caterers, 557 00:26:50,537 --> 00:26:52,728 the planners, the designers, 558 00:26:52,728 --> 00:26:55,931 the servers, the performers, even fucking priests. 559 00:26:55,941 --> 00:26:57,940 He means that literally. 560 00:26:57,959 --> 00:26:59,884 If anybody can do it, we can. And we will, 561 00:26:59,895 --> 00:27:02,086 in time for me to make my flight. 562 00:27:02,086 --> 00:27:04,037 Don't you think this is awfully ambitious? 563 00:27:04,037 --> 00:27:06,644 Why don't you just leave it up to everybody else, so you can criticize? 564 00:27:06,656 --> 00:27:09,993 If we left it up to you, they'd be getting married on a blanket on a street corner. 565 00:27:09,998 --> 00:27:11,819 Yo, bitches, tear each other's hair out later. 566 00:27:11,826 --> 00:27:13,327 I don't care how you do it, 567 00:27:13,337 --> 00:27:17,230 but you two are responsible for staffing, flowers and decorations. 568 00:27:17,247 --> 00:27:19,665 Emmett, you find us a place. 569 00:27:19,665 --> 00:27:21,649 Oh, how about the Liberty Baths? 570 00:27:21,649 --> 00:27:25,152 They have a fabulous... party room. 571 00:27:25,152 --> 00:27:30,328 - Deb, you pull together something for Linz to wear. - I'd love to. 572 00:27:30,339 --> 00:27:36,541 Oh, I can just see it with its flowers and bows and ruffles. 573 00:27:37,445 --> 00:27:39,947 Maybe something more simple. 574 00:27:39,947 --> 00:27:41,447 Vic, you're up for the cake. 575 00:27:41,447 --> 00:27:44,372 No, my cooking's a recipe for disaster. 576 00:27:44,383 --> 00:27:45,384 He'd be great. 577 00:27:45,384 --> 00:27:48,360 If they were getting married a year from now. 578 00:27:48,370 --> 00:27:50,771 Don't worry, Vic. I'll help you. 579 00:27:50,781 --> 00:27:53,706 Okay, great. Get to work. 580 00:27:53,716 --> 00:27:56,733 Now hold it, Kinney. What are you doing? 581 00:27:56,742 --> 00:28:00,244 I'm getting my beauty rest. Bye-Bye. 582 00:28:04,097 --> 00:28:08,601 Oh, not tonight, dear. I'm saving myself for Miami. 583 00:28:08,601 --> 00:28:10,901 Correct me if I'm wrong, 584 00:28:10,911 --> 00:28:12,902 but I thought you didn't give a shit about your friends, 585 00:28:12,913 --> 00:28:14,088 that you only care about getting laid. 586 00:28:14,088 --> 00:28:17,041 I just never want to hear the word "wedding" again. 587 00:28:17,041 --> 00:28:19,025 You're pathetic. 588 00:28:19,025 --> 00:28:22,461 Oh, Emmett, do you want to go with me to get material? 589 00:28:22,461 --> 00:28:26,898 Uh, hello. Um... Zanzibar. Yeah. 590 00:28:26,898 --> 00:28:29,900 Yes, I'd like to book a wedding in your private room. 591 00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:31,901 Yes, of course. We can do that no problem. 592 00:28:32,401 --> 00:28:33,402 You can? 593 00:28:33,402 --> 00:28:35,905 Oh, you can. Oh, God. Wonderful. 594 00:28:35,905 --> 00:28:39,406 Okay. Um, right, well, that will be for about 80. 595 00:28:39,907 --> 00:28:41,908 Right. Tonight. 596 00:28:41,908 --> 00:28:48,413 Tonight? 597 00:28:48,413 --> 00:28:49,414 Any luck? 598 00:28:49,414 --> 00:28:51,916 I have tried A through Z. 599 00:28:51,916 --> 00:28:56,907 I'm afraid there is no such thing as an instant wedding. 600 00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:01,911 - If I may make a suggestion? - Be my wedding guest. 601 00:29:01,923 --> 00:29:04,924 Well, it's not very trendy, but the price is right. 602 00:29:11,913 --> 00:29:13,904 Holy Xanadu! 603 00:29:13,917 --> 00:29:19,818 Well, last time it was used, it was my daughter Frankie's wedding. 604 00:29:19,828 --> 00:29:21,420 Frankie? 605 00:29:21,420 --> 00:29:24,921 Yeah, Virginia named her after Hammond Meats' most popular product. 606 00:29:26,341 --> 00:29:28,842 Gosh, it was one of the happiest days of my life. 607 00:29:28,842 --> 00:29:31,844 Well, it sounds to me, honey, like this place is due for a party. 608 00:29:31,844 --> 00:29:35,803 I couldn't think of a more appropriate occasion than your friends' wedding. 609 00:29:35,813 --> 00:29:39,306 I'll fill this room with exotic flowers. 610 00:29:39,316 --> 00:29:40,317 I'll bring in the Pittsburgh Symphony. 611 00:29:40,327 --> 00:29:41,318 - I'm on the board. - Um... 612 00:29:41,818 --> 00:29:44,753 That... that's very kind, as usual. 613 00:29:44,753 --> 00:29:48,256 Um, but I... I'd kind of like to take care of this myself. 614 00:29:48,266 --> 00:29:53,208 You know, give Mel and Lindsay the most fabulous wedding two girls ever had. 615 00:29:53,210 --> 00:29:56,213 That's also very kind. As usual. 616 00:29:56,213 --> 00:29:59,148 How can you afford to? 617 00:29:59,148 --> 00:30:03,068 My tush fund. 618 00:30:04,568 --> 00:30:06,953 You'd burst your bubblebutt dream? 619 00:30:07,054 --> 00:30:09,555 Well... if you don't mind a bumpy ride, 620 00:30:09,555 --> 00:30:12,391 I think this old thing's got a few more miles on it. 621 00:30:12,391 --> 00:30:13,891 Oh! 622 00:30:19,296 --> 00:30:20,297 Thank you. 623 00:30:20,297 --> 00:30:22,231 Now, I have to get started. 624 00:30:22,231 --> 00:30:27,737 I should have been up to my tits in tulle and twinkling lights hours ago! 625 00:30:36,676 --> 00:30:37,676 Oh, shit! 626 00:30:37,676 --> 00:30:42,510 - What happened? - Nothing. 627 00:30:42,578 --> 00:30:45,559 - Fuck! - Now what? 628 00:30:45,564 --> 00:30:49,916 It's me, Deb. I'm a klutz. 629 00:30:50,935 --> 00:30:53,437 You'd think I'd never set foot in a kitchen before. 630 00:30:53,447 --> 00:30:56,898 - You just need to relax. - It's more than that. 631 00:30:56,906 --> 00:30:58,807 I've been out of the world too long. 632 00:30:58,817 --> 00:30:59,407 I can't go back. 633 00:30:59,417 --> 00:31:01,826 You're right, you can't. 634 00:31:01,836 --> 00:31:04,327 Christ, would you look at this mess. 635 00:31:04,328 --> 00:31:08,797 You are the fucking saddest hard-luck case I have ever seen. 636 00:31:08,798 --> 00:31:09,708 Debbie! 637 00:31:09,715 --> 00:31:11,700 Get back in your robe, huh? 638 00:31:11,710 --> 00:31:14,702 Or better yet, find a train to fall under. 639 00:31:14,712 --> 00:31:16,703 At least I'd get the insurance. 640 00:31:16,713 --> 00:31:20,606 - Sunshine, get your jacket. Let's go. - Where are you going? 641 00:31:20,616 --> 00:31:21,957 Where do you think? 642 00:31:21,967 --> 00:31:25,532 To the bakery. You promised the girls a wedding cake, didn't you? 643 00:31:25,543 --> 00:31:28,512 You can't just stroll into a bakery and buy a wedding cake. 644 00:31:28,522 --> 00:31:29,453 They're made special. 645 00:31:29,463 --> 00:31:31,921 So, we'll get 'em a... a bon voyage cake. 646 00:31:31,931 --> 00:31:35,916 Or a birthday cake, or a fucking bar mitzvah cake! 647 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:40,404 Any cake will be better than the dried out brick that you're planning. 648 00:31:46,275 --> 00:31:53,245 How dare you call my hazelnut buttercream a dried out brick? 649 00:32:14,328 --> 00:32:16,813 You did all that on purpose, didn't you? 650 00:32:16,813 --> 00:32:20,817 How do you think I got him to live in the first place? 651 00:32:20,817 --> 00:32:25,820 I just kept screaming, "So fucking die already!" 652 00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:27,322 Worked like a charm. 653 00:32:27,322 --> 00:32:30,223 He never figured it out? 654 00:32:30,233 --> 00:32:32,709 Apparently not. 655 00:32:32,709 --> 00:32:35,150 Justin, I need these egg whites beaten. 656 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,146 And as for you... 657 00:32:38,146 --> 00:32:40,547 You want to grow up to be another Brian Kinney? 658 00:32:40,557 --> 00:32:43,132 Always running away from love, never towards it, 659 00:32:43,143 --> 00:32:46,590 then you go to Miami and you fuck your little twinkie brains out. 660 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,954 But it's never going to make you happy. 661 00:32:48,964 --> 00:32:51,038 Nice try, Debbie. 662 00:32:51,038 --> 00:32:53,039 Wait a minute. 663 00:32:56,509 --> 00:32:57,511 All right, you're on to me. 664 00:32:57,994 --> 00:32:59,995 But one day you're going to look back, 665 00:32:59,995 --> 00:33:03,998 and you're going to regret that you didn't go to the wedding. 666 00:33:03,998 --> 00:33:06,999 With your family. 667 00:33:06,999 --> 00:33:09,952 And that's the truth, Sunshine. 668 00:33:09,952 --> 00:33:12,897 That's the truth. 669 00:33:25,397 --> 00:33:28,400 French toast with fresh strawberries. 670 00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,901 Bacon crumbles and real maple syrup. 671 00:33:31,352 --> 00:33:35,354 Coffee made with the really good beans. 672 00:33:35,354 --> 00:33:37,828 And peaches with the skin peeled off, 673 00:33:37,838 --> 00:33:39,840 'cause the little hairs make your teeth itch. 674 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,242 - No, thanks. - Baby, please, 675 00:33:42,252 --> 00:33:44,642 - You have to eat. - What for? 676 00:33:44,694 --> 00:33:46,662 You need to keep your strength up to feel miserable. 677 00:33:46,662 --> 00:33:48,614 Have a strawberry. 678 00:33:48,614 --> 00:33:50,615 - No. - Come on, boo-boo. 679 00:33:50,615 --> 00:33:52,617 - One little bite. - Stop it! 680 00:33:52,617 --> 00:33:55,117 - Stop what? - Being so sweet. 681 00:33:55,118 --> 00:33:56,035 I can't help it. 682 00:33:56,535 --> 00:33:59,511 Compulsive adorable disorder. 683 00:33:59,522 --> 00:34:00,523 All right, get up. 684 00:34:00,523 --> 00:34:01,957 What the fuck are you doing here? 685 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,361 Come on, move your asses. 686 00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:05,376 What for? 687 00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:06,376 You're getting married. 688 00:34:15,349 --> 00:34:16,851 - Come on, get out. - Oh. 689 00:34:16,851 --> 00:34:19,353 - Come on, get out. - Where the hell are we? 690 00:34:19,353 --> 00:34:20,854 - Get out, get out. - What's going on? 691 00:34:20,854 --> 00:34:23,355 Ms. Marcus, Ms. Peterson. 692 00:34:23,355 --> 00:34:25,256 Welcome to your wedding. 693 00:34:25,256 --> 00:34:28,192 Uh, allow me to introduce our gracious host, 694 00:34:28,192 --> 00:34:30,694 my dear, dear friend George Schickel. 695 00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:32,612 Schickel's Pickles? 696 00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:36,564 The pleasure's mine. And my home is yours today. 697 00:34:36,564 --> 00:34:38,516 Okay, enough chat. You're both due in hair and make-up, 698 00:34:38,516 --> 00:34:39,517 so let's get a move on. 699 00:34:39,517 --> 00:34:41,518 Thanks. 700 00:34:41,518 --> 00:34:42,469 Go! 701 00:34:42,970 --> 00:34:45,900 Oh, no. No, no. No. No. You're not bringing that hideous thing in here. 702 00:34:45,905 --> 00:34:47,356 I most certainly am. 703 00:34:47,839 --> 00:34:49,708 Not if I have anything to say about it. 704 00:34:49,791 --> 00:34:51,293 Well, who gives a shit what you have to say about it? 705 00:34:51,293 --> 00:34:53,711 I'm the one who paid for that waste of wood. 706 00:34:53,711 --> 00:34:55,178 Well, don't worry about it. I'm gonna pay you back 707 00:34:55,178 --> 00:34:56,680 and I'm gonna give it to the girls myself. 708 00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:58,147 What do you think about that? 709 00:34:58,147 --> 00:34:59,616 I think you're an idiot for picking it out in the first place. 710 00:34:59,616 --> 00:35:01,606 Well, I think you're a dickhead for making me feel like an idiot. 711 00:35:01,617 --> 00:35:03,117 Boys. Boys. 712 00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:04,477 We still squabbling over the silly statue? 713 00:35:07,487 --> 00:35:09,479 God, she must have been to Dr. Beamer. 714 00:35:09,489 --> 00:35:10,940 Ah, you see? Emmett agrees. 715 00:35:10,940 --> 00:35:11,941 It's an abomination. 716 00:35:11,941 --> 00:35:13,875 I didn't say that. 717 00:35:13,875 --> 00:35:15,377 Although I will say, 718 00:35:15,376 --> 00:35:19,553 it's not worth destroying your friendship over. 719 00:35:28,553 --> 00:35:30,544 No, no, Debbie, I do my own hair. 720 00:35:30,554 --> 00:35:31,555 I can tell. 721 00:35:32,555 --> 00:35:34,057 You need more Bella Donna. 722 00:35:34,057 --> 00:35:36,047 Less bitchy butchy. Come on. 723 00:35:36,058 --> 00:35:37,958 Next thing, you'll have me wearing a pointy bra and lipliner. 724 00:35:37,968 --> 00:35:39,561 How could you guess, sweetheart? 725 00:35:41,012 --> 00:35:42,480 - Oh, hey, Brian! - Brian! 726 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:43,413 Brian. 727 00:35:43,914 --> 00:35:45,414 I'm the one that should be screaming. 728 00:35:45,414 --> 00:35:49,406 Aren't you supposed to be off somewhere sticking your pina in some colada? 729 00:35:49,418 --> 00:35:51,353 I need a few minutes with the brides. 730 00:35:51,853 --> 00:35:53,804 Alone. 731 00:35:53,804 --> 00:35:55,806 You make it fast, huh? 732 00:35:55,806 --> 00:35:58,257 I gotta get 'em dressed. 733 00:35:58,257 --> 00:36:01,227 I hear you're the one responsible for this. 734 00:36:01,227 --> 00:36:02,977 I don't know what lying asshole told you that, 735 00:36:02,987 --> 00:36:04,678 but I suppose a man in my position 736 00:36:04,678 --> 00:36:07,169 has to endure such attacks against his character. 737 00:36:07,180 --> 00:36:10,633 - Here. - Oh, my gosh. 738 00:36:10,633 --> 00:36:12,135 - Oh, my god, Brian! - Ooh! 739 00:36:13,635 --> 00:36:16,137 They're exactly like the ones our jewelers lost. 740 00:36:16,137 --> 00:36:19,057 Complete with the inscription. 741 00:36:19,057 --> 00:36:21,995 Hey, don't get moist. 742 00:36:27,995 --> 00:36:34,931 Uh, I'm gonna call the sitter and make sure Gus is all right. 743 00:36:36,868 --> 00:36:40,372 I can't believe the guys pulled all this together at the last minute. 744 00:36:40,872 --> 00:36:42,873 - Yeah. - So, are you packed? 745 00:36:42,873 --> 00:36:46,875 Toothpaste and undies. 746 00:36:46,875 --> 00:36:47,826 Excited? 747 00:36:47,826 --> 00:36:50,298 My pecker's all a-twitter. 748 00:36:54,298 --> 00:36:59,803 Can you help me button this up here? 749 00:36:59,803 --> 00:37:01,804 Oh, yeah. 750 00:37:01,804 --> 00:37:03,271 Isn't it amazing? 751 00:37:03,271 --> 00:37:05,773 Debbie just whipped it up. 752 00:37:06,273 --> 00:37:09,276 With some help of some mice and bluebirds. 753 00:37:09,777 --> 00:37:14,279 Oh, yeah. Well, I'm sorry I won't be there to see you glide down the aisle. 754 00:37:14,279 --> 00:37:16,781 No, you're not! 755 00:37:16,781 --> 00:37:19,784 I'm sure you're going to have a fabulous time. 756 00:37:19,784 --> 00:37:23,987 - Hey, we'll both be in white. - Yeah. 757 00:37:24,286 --> 00:37:33,276 Just be careful. 758 00:37:33,276 --> 00:37:35,728 Lindsay. 759 00:37:35,728 --> 00:37:38,563 It's your wedding present. 760 00:37:38,563 --> 00:37:42,983 All-expense paid trip for two to Miami. 761 00:37:42,983 --> 00:37:45,400 Trade it in for a later flight. 762 00:37:45,402 --> 00:37:47,370 Have a honeymoon, I'll take care of Gus. 763 00:37:47,370 --> 00:37:49,322 But you don't want to be here. 764 00:37:49,322 --> 00:37:52,324 You said yourself you'd get drunk, 765 00:37:52,324 --> 00:37:53,791 make a scene, pass out nude. 766 00:37:54,291 --> 00:37:58,152 - Will you just take the fucking tickets. - No. 767 00:37:58,161 --> 00:38:00,547 I want you to go. 768 00:38:00,547 --> 00:38:03,048 It wouldn't be right for you to stay. 769 00:38:03,048 --> 00:38:06,484 Brian Kinney sacrificing for others. 770 00:38:06,484 --> 00:38:11,488 Trapped in a hideous display of sentimentality. 771 00:38:11,488 --> 00:38:13,989 I'd lose all faith, all hope. 772 00:38:13,989 --> 00:38:16,958 What kind of gift is that? 773 00:38:16,958 --> 00:38:23,329 I want you to fuck lots of beautiful guys. 774 00:38:23,329 --> 00:38:26,264 No apologies. 775 00:38:26,264 --> 00:38:30,669 No regrets. 776 00:38:30,669 --> 00:38:34,671 It's the best gift you could give me. 777 00:38:34,671 --> 00:38:37,675 Knowing you're happy. 778 00:38:59,255 --> 00:39:04,226 I love you too, Brian. 779 00:39:04,226 --> 00:39:06,727 This marriage stuff is kind of cool. 780 00:39:06,727 --> 00:39:10,731 In fact, I was thinking maybe someday... 781 00:39:10,731 --> 00:39:13,722 - What, you and I? - Yeah, stranger things have happened. 782 00:39:13,733 --> 00:39:15,234 Not really. 783 00:39:15,234 --> 00:39:18,236 What you need is a good fucking on the beach. 784 00:39:18,236 --> 00:39:19,737 Hey... 785 00:39:20,188 --> 00:39:23,123 I can't go. 786 00:39:23,123 --> 00:39:24,614 You forgot your bain de soleil. 787 00:39:24,623 --> 00:39:27,625 I want to go to the wedding. 788 00:39:27,625 --> 00:39:29,127 For Lindsay and Melanie? 789 00:39:29,577 --> 00:39:31,045 For me. 790 00:39:31,045 --> 00:39:33,453 I want to be a part of it. 791 00:39:33,463 --> 00:39:35,948 I want to see their faces when they say "I do". 792 00:39:35,948 --> 00:39:37,400 Give Emmett kleenex. 793 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:38,900 Console Debbie. 794 00:39:38,900 --> 00:39:42,354 You know she's going to be a mess. 795 00:39:42,354 --> 00:39:45,839 So you're standing me up to see two dykes tie the knot? 796 00:39:45,839 --> 00:39:49,842 Yeah. I guess I am. 797 00:39:49,842 --> 00:39:52,778 You angry? 798 00:39:52,778 --> 00:39:57,631 I think you're a selfish, heartless asshole. 799 00:39:57,631 --> 00:40:00,568 Keep up the good work. 800 00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:41,830 Friends, family, 801 00:40:41,830 --> 00:40:48,792 Welcome to the celebration of a loving, lifetime commitment of Melanie and Lindsay. 802 00:40:48,801 --> 00:40:52,713 They've asked me to thank you for bearing witness to today's ceremony 803 00:40:52,738 --> 00:40:57,136 and to join them in recognizing it as a true and binding expression 804 00:40:57,141 --> 00:41:01,077 of their devotion to one another. 805 00:41:01,077 --> 00:41:02,078 Melanie. 806 00:41:04,580 --> 00:41:06,064 Honey... 807 00:41:08,032 --> 00:41:11,519 I wasn't sure we'd make it here today. 808 00:41:11,519 --> 00:41:13,503 But thanks to our friends, 809 00:41:13,503 --> 00:41:19,873 or, I should say, our family... 810 00:41:19,873 --> 00:41:24,843 Not even the stars or the planets could keep us from exchanging our vows. 811 00:41:27,229 --> 00:41:31,149 I love you, Lindsay Peterson. 812 00:41:31,149 --> 00:41:32,651 I will fight for you, 813 00:41:33,150 --> 00:41:37,036 I will protect you. 814 00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:42,491 You are my beshert. 815 00:41:42,491 --> 00:41:43,924 Lindsay. 816 00:41:45,843 --> 00:41:47,344 Melanie, 817 00:41:47,344 --> 00:41:50,764 with so much love and support around us, 818 00:41:51,264 --> 00:41:54,766 I really do believe that there is no obstacle, 819 00:41:54,766 --> 00:41:57,267 no problem we can't overcome. 820 00:41:57,768 --> 00:42:00,704 Together. 821 00:42:00,704 --> 00:42:03,656 In friendship and in love. 822 00:42:04,156 --> 00:42:09,126 Our hearts will be eternally united. 823 00:42:09,627 --> 00:42:13,997 I love you, Melanie Marcus. 824 00:42:13,997 --> 00:42:16,976 May I have the rings? 825 00:42:31,176 --> 00:42:33,645 Melanie, 826 00:42:33,645 --> 00:42:37,418 do you take Lindsay to be your wife? 827 00:42:43,918 --> 00:42:45,853 I do. 828 00:42:45,853 --> 00:42:49,960 Lindsay, do you take Melanie to be your wife? 829 00:42:54,660 --> 00:42:57,094 I do. 830 00:42:57,094 --> 00:42:59,546 By the power vested in me, 831 00:42:59,546 --> 00:43:02,999 by the love and faith of those assembled, 832 00:43:02,999 --> 00:43:09,770 I declare to the world that you are married in our eyes. 833 00:43:09,770 --> 00:43:11,773 You can seal this with a little suck-face. 834 00:43:55,353 --> 00:43:57,738 What was I thinking buying them that awful statue? 835 00:43:57,748 --> 00:43:58,738 No. No. No, no. No. No. 836 00:43:58,748 --> 00:43:59,840 No. No, no, it, I was wrong. 837 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:01,842 - It was the perfect gift. - It's a piece of shit. 838 00:44:02,342 --> 00:44:03,843 No, it's a work of art. 839 00:44:03,843 --> 00:44:06,344 What are they going to do with an African love goddess? 840 00:44:06,344 --> 00:44:12,349 They'll look at it and say, "Our friends Michael and Ted 841 00:44:12,349 --> 00:44:17,352 gave this to us because they love us." 842 00:44:17,352 --> 00:44:18,854 And then they'll stick it in the garage. 843 00:44:18,854 --> 00:44:23,858 They'll stick it in the garage. 844 00:44:23,858 --> 00:44:24,858 Come on. 845 00:44:31,797 --> 00:44:34,232 This is delicious. 846 00:44:34,232 --> 00:44:37,700 My hazelnut buttercream is a hit. 847 00:44:37,700 --> 00:44:39,702 I never had a doubt. 848 00:44:39,702 --> 00:44:42,702 Well, for a while there I wasn't sure I still had the ingredients. 849 00:44:42,705 --> 00:44:45,207 If you ever need your pantry restocked, 850 00:44:45,207 --> 00:44:48,148 Just holler. 851 00:44:48,159 --> 00:44:48,658 Attention! 852 00:44:49,159 --> 00:44:51,160 Attention, everyone. 853 00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:54,663 As honourary mistress of ceremonies, 854 00:44:54,663 --> 00:44:59,166 it is my pleasure to announce the throwing of the bouquet. 855 00:44:59,166 --> 00:45:00,167 You know the drill. 856 00:45:00,667 --> 00:45:06,055 You catch it, you're next. 857 00:45:06,055 --> 00:45:08,940 Back of the room, kid. 858 00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:10,491 No! No! 859 00:45:13,491 --> 00:45:15,491 Ready?