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Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

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She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

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00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:16,580
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

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00:00:17,940 --> 00:00:22,940
Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

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Oh, yeah.

6
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The country was falling apart.

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00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,580
Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

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And then there's more.

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And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

10
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:43,060
there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And
then there's Maud. That uncompromising,

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enterprising, anything but
tranquilizing. Not on Maud.

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Walter, how could you? How could you?
How could you invite the Harmons over to

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stay with us for three days?

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Lord, their house is being fumigated. If
their house is being fumigated, why is

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Arthur leaving? He's the biggest pest
they have.

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just can never
forgive Arthur for those stupid remarks

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00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,820
he made last night about illegal aliens.
Oh, Lord, he means well.

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Means well. I will not have a man in my
house who says that throwing illegal

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aliens into a van and driving them back
across the border is fun trucking.

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What? Now, you're upset. Now, calm down
and listen to me.

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00:01:23,630 --> 00:01:27,110
Now, listen, Mood. I know Arthur Harmon
for over 30 years. And in that time, you

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learned a lot about a man. And I think
there's something you should know right

23
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:33,790
now. If you're not careful, Arthur can
get on your nerves.

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Now, Walter, Walter, Walter, Walter, do
you know what you are?

25
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I'm lost in a long, dark tunnel.
Suddenly, I see a bright light at the

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that tunnel. You are that light, Walter.
A light I've rushed toward.

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It gets closer and closer until... There
it is!

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It's a train coming at me!

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All right, Walter. I'm sorry I invited
the Harmans.

30
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But they're our best friends.

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What could I do?

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Well, if you had any decency, you would
have said that we've had a sudden death

33
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:04,480
in the family.

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And then kill yourself.

35
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This is just so sweet of you. Vivian,
let me give you a hand.

36
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,400
Oh, thank you, Walter.

37
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,840
I wonder if Arthur needs a hand with his
luggage.

38
00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:18,260
This is his luggage.

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00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:20,680
I'll put it up to the guest room.

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Look, Vivian, I'm going to level with
you. There is no way that I can take a

41
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whole weekend of Arthur's narrow -minded
conservative raving.

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00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:30,140
Oh, it's bad.

43
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:33,910
I'm just so sorry about last night, but
try to understand. Now, Arthur's just

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00:02:33,910 --> 00:02:37,590
been a little edgy lately, you know.
There's a new administrator over at the

45
00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:40,850
hospital, and Arthur's being considered
for head of surgery.

46
00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:45,150
Now, that is a great idea, because
nobody needs head surgery more than

47
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Maude, I talked to Arthur, and I told
him not to say anything controversial

48
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while we're here. Oh, come on, Viv.

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Finley, I did. I sat him down and I
said, now, Arthur, under no

50
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,660
I want you even to hint at any subject
that could possibly cause an argument

51
00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:03,640
between you and Maude. That's what I
said to Arthur.

52
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:08,120
I hope you're satisfied, Maude and
Finley. A bunch of homosexual pansies

53
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just opened a gay bar in Tuckahoe.

54
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And what did Arthur say?

55
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He said he'd think about it.

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It's that new place in the shopping
center.

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I thought it was a Mexican restaurant.

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I mean, they call it the gay caballeros.

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Somebody told me today they don't even
serve food there. It's a bar and all the

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caballeros are gay.

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00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,700
Sir Vivian, I forgot to bring over my
shaving kit. Would you run that upstairs

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00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:36,700
for me, please?

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Arthur,

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you're upsetting Maude.

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You remember what we talked about, about
nothing controversial.

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Look, Maude.

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00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,480
I am upset about this gay bar in the
neighborhood.

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And I'll admit I'm going to be talking
about it a lot.

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It was very nice of you to ask us to
stay here, but I think we'd better clear

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the air.

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00:03:58,050 --> 00:04:02,670
Now, if my being here is going to cause
any trouble, any trouble at all, I want

72
00:04:02,670 --> 00:04:03,790
you to say so right now.

73
00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:07,330
I think it's going to cause a lot of
trouble.

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00:04:10,490 --> 00:04:13,050
All right, now that we've cleared the
air, baby, you can take that shaving kit

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00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:14,050
upstairs.

76
00:04:15,470 --> 00:04:18,470
Now, let me tell you what we're going to
do about this gay bar. I don't want to

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00:04:18,470 --> 00:04:21,170
hear about it, Arthur. Look, I... I
don't think you understand.

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I cannot put up with three days of this,
Arthur.

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Arthur, I do not want you in my home.

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00:04:28,570 --> 00:04:29,750
Oh, that's too bad.

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00:04:30,490 --> 00:04:31,650
Because I can't leave, Maude.

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You see, I told Mr. Duncan, the new head
administrator at the hospital, that I'd

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be here.

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00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:37,050
He's going to drop some papers off for
me.

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See, Maude, I'm being considered for the
new head of surgery.

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00:04:40,970 --> 00:04:43,750
Now, Duncan can make or break that
appointment. Now, if he doesn't find me

87
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:46,570
when he comes, that wouldn't look right.
Look, this is not my problem, Arthur.

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00:04:46,910 --> 00:04:51,090
I know that I cannot put up with a whole
weekend of your archaic views on gay

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00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,630
people. What's wrong with my views on
gay people?

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00:04:54,030 --> 00:04:55,990
Do you approve of homosexuals?

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00:04:56,610 --> 00:05:00,150
Arthur, it doesn't matter whether I
approve or I disapprove. They are human

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beings. They exist.

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00:05:01,690 --> 00:05:04,130
It's like asking me if I approve of
dwarfs.

94
00:05:07,230 --> 00:05:09,450
Well, that's different. There's no such
thing as gay dwarfs.

95
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,580
Come on, Arthur, you've read Snow White.

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00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:25,320
Seven little men living together like
that wake up and smell the coffee.

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00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,180
Oh, Maude, that's just a fairy tale.

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00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:38,340
I am talking about

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the real world. Our neighborhood is
being invaded by a bunch of abnormal

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So is my house all weekend.

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00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:51,980
Look, psychiatrists and social
scientists cannot determine what is

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what is abnormal. So how can you set
yourself up as a judge?

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I don't. I'm not.

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God is.

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God is against gay people, you know.

106
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God is against gay people?

107
00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:04,020
Well, of course.

108
00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:07,120
How do you know? Was he sitting next to
you at an American Legion meeting?

109
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:09,640
Well, it's just common sense.

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If God had wanted people to be gay, he
wouldn't have created Adam and Eve.

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00:06:13,530 --> 00:06:14,670
He'd have created Adam and Steve.

112
00:06:19,310 --> 00:06:21,130
I'll get this. That could be Mr. Duncan.

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Oh, Mr. Duncan, please come in. Dr.
Harmon?

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00:06:26,490 --> 00:06:30,790
Maude, I want you to meet our new head
administrator at the hospital, the

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brilliant Mr.

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Mark Duncan.

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00:06:32,650 --> 00:06:35,830
How do you do? How do you do? Mr.
Duncan, this is my neighbor lady, Maude

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Finley. Take off your coat.

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00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,640
Oh, no, no, I can't stay. Sit down. No,
no, really, I can't. Would you like a

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drink? No, no, no, thank you. I really
must be going. Would you like to stay

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dinner? No, now, you see, I'll bet you'd
like some candy. Maude, have we got any

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candy? Maybe he'd like to spend the
night.

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Great idea.

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Would you like to spend the night?

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No, Maude.

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00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,720
He doesn't want to spend the night.

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No, no, no, please.

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00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,540
I just wanted to bring you these files
you agreed to review.

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00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:04,600
I hate to impose on your weekend, but
I... No trouble, no trouble. I love

130
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Hey, that's my big problem.

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I can't stop working.

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And that's why everybody at the hospital
is going to be very surprised if I'm

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not appointed the new head of surgery.

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Yes.

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00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,600
Good night.

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00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:18,560
Nice meeting you.

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What?

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Do you think I was too pushy?

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Not for you.

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00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,080
Hugh Bay.

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00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,680
I'm sorry to barge in like this, but
this is urgent.

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00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,040
Arthur, I talked to the city attorney,
but he's dragging his feet.

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I knew it.

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00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,630
This is a hot potato.

145
00:07:39,430 --> 00:07:41,110
I guess we're going to have to give up
on plan A.

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00:07:41,650 --> 00:07:42,750
Arthur, what are you talking about?

147
00:07:43,570 --> 00:07:45,210
The Fathers Against Gays Society.

148
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Fathers Against Gays Society?

149
00:07:49,030 --> 00:07:51,690
You mean F -A -G -S?

150
00:07:57,430 --> 00:07:59,690
Joby, that's the last time I'm going to
let you pick a name.

151
00:08:00,670 --> 00:08:03,290
I think we better go back to the Fathers
Against Smuts Society.

152
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,260
Anyway, Hubie and I set it up this
afternoon. The important thing is we're

153
00:08:07,260 --> 00:08:10,220
to close down that gay bar. And there
are plenty of laws that apply.

154
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Laws against immoral behavior, laws
against lewd conduct. We even have a law

155
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,260
here in Tuckahoe that says no funny
business.

156
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:21,320
Oh, come on. These are all outdated
laws. Nobody invokes them anymore.

157
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:22,860
The law is the law.

158
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:26,240
This is a nation of laws, something
which you fuzzy -headed liberals seem to

159
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:27,780
forget. Oh, baloney.

160
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,160
You just want to persecute people that
you don't understand.

161
00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:35,400
Has it ever occurred to you that gay
people are human beings, that they have

162
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,500
rights? Sure, Maude. If it was up to
you, everybody would have rights.

163
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,300
Anyway, I think we'd better draw the
line. We have to think of the children.

164
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:48,840
Oh, now, what do the children have to do
with this? What do the children have to

165
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:49,840
do with this?

166
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:52,440
Maude, what is right next to the
shopping center?

167
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,079
Burkett's 11.

168
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,270
Right. And if you go down Burkettville
Avenue for five blocks, what do you come

169
00:08:58,270 --> 00:08:59,229
to?

170
00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:01,890
The on -ramp to the Tuckahoe Parkway.
Right.

171
00:09:02,110 --> 00:09:05,910
And if you take the parkway for three
exits, what do you come to?

172
00:09:07,570 --> 00:09:08,570
I've no idea.

173
00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:10,430
Chester A. Arthur, junior high school.

174
00:09:11,030 --> 00:09:14,870
Oh, come on. Arthur, those kids would
have to take two buses and then a cab to

175
00:09:14,870 --> 00:09:15,870
get to that gate.

176
00:09:17,710 --> 00:09:19,930
You know kids, if they want something
bad enough, they'll find it.

177
00:09:21,570 --> 00:09:24,830
First it's a gay bar, next it's a gay
geography teacher.

178
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,260
Yeah, teaching our kids how to get from
Tuckahoe down to Greenwich Village.

179
00:09:28,780 --> 00:09:29,780
That is ridiculous.

180
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,080
Students do not copy the sexual habits
of their teachers.

181
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,019
How do you know?

182
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:37,100
Because in high school, I studied with
the nuns at Our Lady of Chastity.

183
00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:42,660
Sure, Maude, what do you care? Your
daughter's all grown up.

184
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,980
Hubie, you don't even have children.

185
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:46,800
I have my nephew, Joseph.

186
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:51,020
My sister's divorced, so Joseph lives
with her and my mother and my other

187
00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,960
sister. He's surrounded by women.

188
00:09:53,390 --> 00:09:55,250
I'm the only macho image he has.

189
00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:03,390
I'm weakening.

190
00:10:05,030 --> 00:10:09,770
But Hubie and I care about one thing,
the good of this community. Now, we're

191
00:10:09,770 --> 00:10:11,230
moving ahead to plan B, picketing.

192
00:10:11,550 --> 00:10:14,550
If we cause a stir, the city attorney
will have to close that bar.

193
00:10:14,970 --> 00:10:19,130
Arthur, do you mean that you would
actually harass men just for sitting

194
00:10:19,130 --> 00:10:20,650
innocently in a neighborhood bar?

195
00:10:20,950 --> 00:10:23,170
Sitting around innocently? Are you
kidding?

196
00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:28,550
They're in there dancing with each
other, exchanging phone numbers, looking

197
00:10:28,550 --> 00:10:29,730
pictures of Al Pacino.

198
00:10:31,910 --> 00:10:35,810
Arthur, that is the dumbest remark you
have ever made. Dumb?

199
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:40,010
Sure. I'm dumb, Maude. Hubie's dumb.
Poor old God is dumb. We're just a bunch

200
00:10:40,010 --> 00:10:41,010
dummies.

201
00:10:41,490 --> 00:10:43,650
Have you ever been inside a gay bar?

202
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:47,190
Well, of course not. Would you ask Clint
Eastwood that question?

203
00:10:48,770 --> 00:10:51,990
No, but there is a question I'd like to
ask Clint Eastwood.

204
00:10:56,350 --> 00:10:57,350
Well,

205
00:11:02,610 --> 00:11:07,670
that's beside the point. Arthur, how can
you continue with this campaign of a

206
00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:12,330
prejudice and intolerance without even
at least visiting the gay caballero?

207
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,230
What? You mean go inside?

208
00:11:14,770 --> 00:11:15,770
Well, of course.

209
00:11:16,030 --> 00:11:19,530
Arthur, I'll go with you. Let's do it
tomorrow afternoon late for cocktails.

210
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:20,790
Okay, okay.

211
00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:23,690
And I'm sure you will be shocked when
you see what goes on in that place.

212
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,110
Arthur, you are wrong.

213
00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:29,050
You're going to find out that all your
preconceptions about what goes on in

214
00:11:29,050 --> 00:11:30,450
there are totally false.

215
00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:33,730
Oh, what does go on in there? I have no
idea, but I'm dying to find out.

216
00:11:43,329 --> 00:11:44,950
Well, don't worry about it. He can meet
you there.

217
00:11:45,650 --> 00:11:46,650
Okay.

218
00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:47,770
Hey, Walter.

219
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,670
Do you think this jacket is too butch
for a gay bar?

220
00:11:53,810 --> 00:11:54,990
No, I don't think so.

221
00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:57,630
Where's Maude? Oh, that was her on the
phone.

222
00:11:58,070 --> 00:12:01,350
Arthur, she's hung up at the office and
she wants you to meet her at the gay

223
00:12:01,350 --> 00:12:02,770
caballero at six o 'clock.

224
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:03,990
To meet her there?

225
00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:06,690
Well, I'm certainly not going into the
gay caballero alone.

226
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:08,770
Arthur, relax.

227
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,680
Look on it as an interesting experience,
a little adventure.

228
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,180
Maybe a whole new life.

229
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:22,800
Walter, if you think this is so funny,
you come with me. Me? Now, this is

230
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:26,280
between you and Maud. I don't have to go
to the gay caballero. The gay

231
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,220
caballero? Ixnay, the kid.

232
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,480
Yeah, hi, Philip. The gay caballero.
That's a Mexican restaurant.

233
00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:34,880
They serve tacos, enchiladas, tamales.

234
00:12:35,460 --> 00:12:38,020
Boy, those gay people really go for that
spicy food, huh?

235
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,210
You mean you know about that place?

236
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:44,170
Sure. Why are you going there?

237
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,530
Well, well, well, well, I have to check
it out.

238
00:12:47,150 --> 00:12:48,910
I'm the head of a group who wants that
place closed.

239
00:12:49,590 --> 00:12:50,730
Why do you want to close it?

240
00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:53,950
All right, Philip.

241
00:12:54,330 --> 00:12:56,850
I guess you're old enough to understand
a few facts.

242
00:12:57,770 --> 00:13:03,890
Now, the first fact is, gay people are,
uh,

243
00:13:03,970 --> 00:13:06,350
well, they're sick.

244
00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:07,970
They have a sort of a disease.

245
00:13:08,970 --> 00:13:10,250
Is it a contagious disease?

246
00:13:10,550 --> 00:13:12,070
Is that why you want to close the bar?

247
00:13:13,010 --> 00:13:15,430
No. It's not contagious, really.

248
00:13:16,110 --> 00:13:19,110
But you see, gay people shouldn't be out
at a bar having a good time.

249
00:13:23,410 --> 00:13:25,090
They should be at home, alone.

250
00:13:29,110 --> 00:13:30,470
Being ashamed that they're gay.

251
00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:34,170
Trying to get cured.

252
00:13:35,970 --> 00:13:37,350
What's the cure for being gay?

253
00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:47,950
Bowling. Bowling? Well, it's a start.
See, these gay guys have to start doing

254
00:13:47,950 --> 00:13:50,370
something manly. That's what brings them
around.

255
00:13:51,610 --> 00:13:53,050
I thought you didn't want them around.

256
00:13:55,930 --> 00:13:59,390
Philip, I seem to be having trouble
getting you to understand the danger of

257
00:13:59,390 --> 00:14:00,390
gay bar.

258
00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:01,309
What's wrong?

259
00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:03,130
I've always used to be able to
communicate with you.

260
00:14:03,390 --> 00:14:06,270
Oh, it's not your fault, Dr. Harmon.
It's just that this year in school, I'm

261
00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:07,290
taking a course in logic.

262
00:14:14,410 --> 00:14:15,430
Smart aleck, kid.

263
00:14:16,910 --> 00:14:19,970
Walter, that's exactly the reason you
should come to the gay caballero with

264
00:14:19,990 --> 00:14:20,990
Now, come on.

265
00:14:21,290 --> 00:14:26,530
You have got to protect Philip against
this pernicious, insidious sickness.

266
00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:29,130
Couldn't I just buy him a bowling ball?

267
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:46,740
People. It's disgusting.

268
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,040
I wish all their mothers would walk in
here right now.

269
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,120
What's wrong with them? They look all
right to me.

270
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:55,900
All right to you.

271
00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:58,540
You don't think they look like us, do
you?

272
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,080
Well, that guy sure does. He's wearing
the same jacket you are.

273
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:11,100
Well, he's probably just trying not to
look like a sissy. Come on.

274
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:17,810
Good evening, guys. What'll it be?

275
00:15:18,990 --> 00:15:20,630
Wait a minute. I'll be right back.

276
00:15:22,310 --> 00:15:24,970
Wow. Did you see that bartender? He's a
flaming queen.

277
00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:31,230
Are you kidding? He looks tough to me.

278
00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:32,470
Tough?

279
00:15:32,710 --> 00:15:33,870
Did you get a look at his apron?

280
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:36,990
Now, what can I do for you?

281
00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:39,010
Bourbon. Bourbon on the rocks, please.

282
00:15:40,250 --> 00:15:41,089
And you?

283
00:15:41,090 --> 00:15:42,150
Well, I don't drink.

284
00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:53,240
Don't serve orange juice anymore.

285
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,740
Oh, oh, yeah. Sorry, I've been out of
town.

286
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,840
Make that a diet ginger ale.

287
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,520
All right. I haven't seen you boys in
here before.

288
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,120
Uh, no.

289
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,760
This is our, uh, first time. Oh, wow.

290
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,620
Don't be strangers. We have a very nice
place in here.

291
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,860
In fact, there's a nice bunch of guys in
here.

292
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,640
If you like to bowl, we're getting a
lead together.

293
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,960
I was held up by a client. Uh, vodka and
tonic.

294
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,100
Just as I thought.

295
00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:37,620
Place is very respectable.

296
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,020
Quiet. Customers well behaved.

297
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:44,660
The only thing I find objectionable is
that man's tasteless sport coat.

298
00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:51,940
Thank you.

299
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:58,600
Place is perfectly respectable, Arthur.
We can... Call off your pickets. Oh, no.

300
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,000
This doesn't fool me.

301
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,140
It's still early yet. I know these
types.

302
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,400
After a few martinis, they'll all start
acting gay.

303
00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:10,300
After a few martinis, Anita Bryant would
start acting gay.

304
00:17:12,980 --> 00:17:16,819
I said, look, if you think Teletext is
such a hot stock, why don't you buy a

305
00:17:16,819 --> 00:17:17,819
couple thousand shares?

306
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,940
Good. I'm glad you told him.

307
00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:23,980
You see that?

308
00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:26,800
My God, they're holding hands.

309
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,780
Arthur, would you take your hand off my
husband?

310
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:40,260
I told you that sort of thing goes on in
here. It's no big deal. So they were

311
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:43,380
holding hands. Look, excuse me. I've got
to go to the men's room.

312
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,900
I'm dying to find out what they write on
their walls.

313
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:52,840
Arthur, it should be perfectly obvious
to you that with the exception of their

314
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,120
sexual preferences...

315
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:56,940
Every man here is exactly like you and
Walter.

316
00:17:57,180 --> 00:17:58,380
Don't be ridiculous.

317
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:04,160
I'm going to prove it to you. Let's talk
to him. Excuse me, I just wanted to get

318
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,160
some of these yummies.

319
00:18:05,740 --> 00:18:09,160
Yummies? Oh, you mean the cocktail,
Franks.

320
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:10,800
Did you see that, Mart?

321
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,100
A grown man saying yummies when he's
talking about weenies?

322
00:18:17,020 --> 00:18:18,140
That is disgusting.

323
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:21,800
Excuse me.

324
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:26,060
My name is Maude Findlay. I hate to
intrude on your privacy, and I don't

325
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:30,540
you to think that I'm some frivolous
sightseer just looking for cheap

326
00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:32,760
but are you a gay person?

327
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:36,300
Bingo.

328
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:42,500
Good, I knew it. Arthur, we're in luck.
I found one. I mean...

329
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:47,340
I mean, someone who'll talk to us. Could
I borrow you for a moment? I won't keep

330
00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:50,820
him long. Arthur, come along. Let's sit
down. Boy, come sit down.

331
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:58,720
Let me try to explain the situation. You
see, I am a liberal.

332
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:04,220
But my friend here is a... What's the
word for non -liberal? Bigot!

333
00:19:05,870 --> 00:19:11,130
I want him to learn through simple human
dialogue that you and your friend are

334
00:19:11,130 --> 00:19:12,510
just like everybody else.

335
00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:15,390
Arthur, talk to him.

336
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:16,950
All right.

337
00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:19,230
If you insist on this, Seymour, all
right.

338
00:19:19,930 --> 00:19:24,270
You see, I believe very strongly that
people who indulge in strange sexual

339
00:19:24,270 --> 00:19:26,130
behavior have no place in this
community.

340
00:19:26,810 --> 00:19:28,010
I see your point.

341
00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:30,450
But you straight people have to live
someplace.

342
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,980
See, my friend here has been trying to
tell me that aside from sexual

343
00:19:37,980 --> 00:19:40,060
preferences, there's no difference
between you and I.

344
00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:42,280
And I object to that very strongly.

345
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:43,520
So do I.

346
00:19:45,180 --> 00:19:47,400
Well, excuse me, I'd like to get back to
my date.

347
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,800
Now, you see, Arthur, that wasn't so
terrible.

348
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:57,340
No matter what you say, Marty, these gay
people should not be on display.

349
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,240
They should be hidden away someplace
where decent human beings aren't forced

350
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:01,779
look at them.

351
00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:03,040
Like in a gay bar.

352
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:04,450
Yes. No.

353
00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:09,330
The fact remains that there are laws
that prohibit places like this, and this

354
00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:12,730
one should be closed down. Oh, come on.
You don't care anything about the law.

355
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:15,370
You just want to persecute people whom
you think are different.

356
00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:16,970
How about another round?

357
00:20:17,410 --> 00:20:18,410
Absolutely not.

358
00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:19,710
We have picket signs.

359
00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:23,430
We are going to close down this den of
inequity. You are violating three

360
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,410
Tuckahoe ordinances. I know.

361
00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:27,970
That's why we didn't open this bar in
Tuckahoe.

362
00:20:29,410 --> 00:20:30,410
What?

363
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,660
The Tuckahoe City Limits is right across
the street. We're just over the line.

364
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,700
So you could take your signs and pick
it.

365
00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:46,820
Good gravy.

366
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,440
It's legal.

367
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:53,100
This terrible place is legal. Yeah, but
that shouldn't stop you and your

368
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:57,440
vigilantes from coming over here,
smashing windows, beating up a few

369
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,460
a matter of fact, I'd like to see you
and that bartender go one -on -one.

370
00:21:04,260 --> 00:21:06,440
Oh, come on, Maude. We're not even going
to picket.

371
00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:08,259
You're not?

372
00:21:08,260 --> 00:21:09,260
Well, of course not.

373
00:21:09,340 --> 00:21:11,660
I believe in the law, and if you believe
in the law, you don't go around

374
00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:12,660
breaking the law.

375
00:21:13,380 --> 00:21:14,380
Let's go home.

376
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:19,570
You know, Arthur, for a man whom I've
always thought was... Utterly

377
00:21:19,630 --> 00:21:21,210
You are full of surprises.

378
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:26,350
You really believe in the law. Arthur,
I'm proud to have you as my friend.

379
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:28,370
You are?

380
00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:29,390
That's right.

381
00:21:29,490 --> 00:21:31,230
You're a man of principle, Arthur.

382
00:21:31,670 --> 00:21:37,790
No, you're prejudiced, you're bigoted,
God knows you're dumb, but... You are a

383
00:21:37,790 --> 00:21:38,790
man of principle.

384
00:21:39,550 --> 00:21:40,710
You know something, Marty?

385
00:21:41,470 --> 00:21:43,410
I am going to take that as a compliment.

386
00:21:45,110 --> 00:21:46,110
Hey, you two.

387
00:21:46,150 --> 00:21:47,350
None of that stuff in here.

388
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:53,800
I'd better try to get Walter out of the
men's room.

389
00:21:54,220 --> 00:21:55,780
He sometimes dozes off.

390
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,240
I'll get the check.

391
00:22:03,660 --> 00:22:04,660
Dr. Harmon.

392
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,240
Mr.

393
00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:11,880
Duncan. You must be wondering what I'm
doing in a place like this.

394
00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:13,580
Well, it's easy to explain.

395
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:16,720
I mean, for one thing, I'm here with a
woman. Maude Finley, you remember.

396
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,580
And for another thing... Arthur, Arthur,
it's all right.

397
00:22:20,430 --> 00:22:23,190
We'll just make this our little secret.

398
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:26,970
Howie, I'll have the usual.

399
00:22:37,030 --> 00:22:38,030
Arthur?

400
00:22:41,350 --> 00:22:42,450
Arthur, you!

401
00:22:43,530 --> 00:22:44,530
Arthur!

402
00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:48,710
What? The Harmon's moved back to the
house this morning. Why are you calling

403
00:22:48,710 --> 00:22:51,460
Arthur? Because it's so nice not to hear
him answer.

404
00:22:53,620 --> 00:22:55,720
You know, you could have been a little
nicer when they were leaving.

405
00:22:56,300 --> 00:22:59,600
Walter, how could I have been nicer? I
even carried out their luggage.

406
00:23:00,820 --> 00:23:05,260
Did you have to sing, Happy days are
here again? All right, all right, all

407
00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:08,400
right, all right. Maybe I did overdo it,
but the important thing is that Arthur

408
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,159
is gone.

409
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,420
I can call his name.

410
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:11,920
Arthur!

411
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,000
Arthur! What is it, Marty?

412
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:17,520
Arthur?

413
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,500
Use your phone. I'm going to protest to
the Immigration Department about their

414
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,300
disgraceful treatment of illegal aliens.

415
00:23:23,940 --> 00:23:27,900
Arthur, you are defending illegal
aliens? This is quite a turnaround.

416
00:23:28,260 --> 00:23:31,260
The company that fumigated our house
hired illegal aliens. They were all

417
00:23:31,260 --> 00:23:32,260
arrested this morning.

418
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,080
That's terrible.

419
00:23:34,540 --> 00:23:37,100
I'll say it is. It's another three days
to fumigate the house, and I have to pay

420
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:39,620
another $800 because they brought in
union workers.

421
00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:41,620
Three days?

422
00:23:41,740 --> 00:23:43,460
Where are you and Viv going to stay?

423
00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:47,400
Oh, Maud, I can't tell you how sweet
this is.

424
00:23:50,730 --> 00:23:52,170
Two things to say about union workers,
too.

425
00:23:52,630 --> 00:23:54,010
Workers' rights and all that.

426
00:23:54,230 --> 00:23:56,190
I say this country would be better off
if it were...

427
00:24:23,740 --> 00:24:26,760
Mod was recorded on videotape before a
studio audience.