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CLARKSON:  Tonight,    old Jaguars,    should you buy one?

3
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4
00:00:08,620 --> 00:00:12,353
  Old BMWs,    are they as well-made    as we think?

5
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6
00:00:12,386 --> 00:00:16,953
  And old Mitsubishis,    should you drive a car    built by an aeroplane-maker?

7
00:00:16,953 --> 00:00:20,020


8
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:24,653
 Good evening.  And we start tonight with  the highlight of my childhood.

9
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10
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 --It's  The Ladybird Book of Motorcars--from 1963,

11
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12
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 and as you'd imagine,  it's full of rubbish, really.

13
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14
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 Just endless  boring grey shapes,  until you get to Page 40,

15
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16
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,886
 where you find that,  the Maserati 3500 GT.

17
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18
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,320
Now, this for me,  when I was little,

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20
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 was like Jordan  and Cameron Diaz  in a bath together.

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22
00:00:49,586 --> 00:00:50,886
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

23
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24
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,286
 With a lightning jet-fighter  and lots of jelly.

25
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26
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,386
 I could say "Maserati"  before I could say "Mummy".

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28
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 Because of this picture.  Maseratis...

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30
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 They were just the business!

31
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32
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 CLARKSON:  This is one of the cars from the company's long and illustrious history,

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  a 150-mile an hour    sports saloon    called the Biturbo.

35
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36
00:01:15,026 --> 00:01:18,360
 --  Only this is  --  no ordinary Biturbo.

37
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38
00:01:18,393 --> 00:01:19,926
It's mine.

39
00:01:19,926 --> 00:01:19,960


40
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:23,693
  I've just bought it,    and this is    what I think of it.

41
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42
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 --  The Biturbo  --  got what it deserved

43
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44
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  because it was an affront    to one of the best badges    in the business.

45
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46
00:01:40,426 --> 00:01:42,193
  Fifty or so years ago,

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48
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  Maserati won the Grand Prix    World Championship    with this car,

49
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50
00:01:47,526 --> 00:01:50,493
  the face-bending 250F.

51
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52
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 It was a 250F like this  that took Juan Manuel Fangio  to victory

53
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54
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 in one of the most exciting  Formula One races of all time.

55
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56
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--  Halfway through the Grand Prix --  at the Nurburgring in Germany,

57
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58
00:02:11,933 --> 00:02:15,933
  he emerged from the pit    a minute, a full minute,    behind the leaders.

59
00:02:16,733 --> 00:02:16,766


60
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 --  Victory looked impossible,  --  but in the next 22 laps,

61
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62
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 --  he broke the lap record  --  10 times.

63
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64
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  Then, with just two laps    to go, he surged past    Mike Hawthorn's Ferrari,

65
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  and won.

67
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68
00:02:32,366 --> 00:02:35,066
 --  This man is what Maseratis --  are all about,

69
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70
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:39,100
  Moss and Fangio,    power-sliding heroes in    polo shirts and leather hats.

71
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:43,566


72
00:02:43,566 --> 00:02:47,566
I'm sitting here leaning on a huge  metal fuel tank

73
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74
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 with a prop shaft  spinning between my legs  at 3,000 RPM.

75
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76
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 I've got drum brakes

77
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78
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 and I've got tyres  that'd be more at home on  a Raleigh Chopper push bike.

79
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80
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  So, it was 1950s technology

81
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82
00:03:06,506 --> 00:03:10,773
 --  but there was nothing 1950-ish --  about the speed.

83
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 --  Its 2.5-litre  --  straight six engine

85
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 --  pumps out around  --  270 brake horsepower,

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 --  a lot in a car that weighs  --  less than a Lotus Elise.

89
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90
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That means naught to 60 in 4.3 seconds.

91
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92
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 The top speed  is 165 miles an hour.

93
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94
00:03:38,906 --> 00:03:41,806
 Oh, yes! Oh!

95
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96
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 Oh, boy! This is so amazing!

97
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98
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 I've got no seat belts, there's no roll bar...

99
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100
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 And I don't care!

101
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102
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:02,346
 Michael Schumacher is gay!

103
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104
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 (TYRES SCREECHING)

105
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106
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 Oh, no! I'm spinning  in a million pounds!

107
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108
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 (ENGINE STOPS)

109
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110
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 I've just spun a car worth a million pounds.

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112
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 Oh, dear!

113
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114
00:04:20,246 --> 00:04:24,646
 --  The 250F --  is an astonishing car.

115
00:04:24,646 --> 00:04:24,680


116
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,113
 --  And it should have been  --  a genetic launch pad,

117
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118
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--  the foundation on which  --  the company could build.

119
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120
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 --  But instead, --  the company went bust.

121
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122
00:04:36,813 --> 00:04:39,813
 --  Over the years, it was owned  --  by just about everyone.

123
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124
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:43,846
  The Italian government,    De Tomaso, Chrysler,    Fiat, even Citroen.

125
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:44,513


126
00:04:44,513 --> 00:04:48,146
  They all thought they could recreate the glory days.

127
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128
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  And they all failed.

129
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130
00:04:50,413 --> 00:04:53,880
 --  But then, in 1997, --  Maserati was taken over

131
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132
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 --  by the biggest name  --  in the business, Ferrari.

133
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134
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 (ENGINE ROARING)

135
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:05,586


136
00:05:05,586 --> 00:05:09,153
Ferrari decided    that what Maserati    needed most of all

137
00:05:09,153 --> 00:05:09,186


138
00:05:09,186 --> 00:05:10,720
  was a racing car.

139
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140
00:05:10,753 --> 00:05:13,853
 --  So, they took their Enzo,  --  gave it some new clothes,

141
00:05:13,853 --> 00:05:13,886


142
00:05:13,886 --> 00:05:17,886
  -and created something    called the MC12.  -(BRAKES SCREECHING)

143
00:05:18,420 --> 00:05:22,420


144
00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:25,353
 --  Actually, this  --  is the convertible,

145
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146
00:05:25,386 --> 00:05:29,053
  the quietened down,    road-going version  of the racer.

147
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148
00:05:29,086 --> 00:05:33,386
  But it still has the same    six-litre V12 engine    as the Enzo

149
00:05:33,386 --> 00:05:33,420


150
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:36,553
 --  and the same --  carbon fibre skeleton.

151
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:36,586


152
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:40,020
 --  So, it should --  still be pretty brisk.

153
00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:40,053


154
00:05:40,053 --> 00:05:41,553
(ENGINE ROARING)

155
00:05:41,553 --> 00:05:43,253


156
00:05:43,253 --> 00:05:45,820
 Oh, my God!

157
00:05:45,820 --> 00:05:46,753


158
00:05:46,753 --> 00:05:49,620
 Oh, that's so quick!

159
00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:49,653


160
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 What a bonkers car!

161
00:05:51,586 --> 00:05:52,153


162
00:05:52,153 --> 00:05:53,886
 (CLARKSON SCREAMS)

163
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164
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,420
 Holy moley!

165
00:05:58,420 --> 00:05:58,453


166
00:05:58,453 --> 00:06:02,193
 -It's rather a fun machine! -(BRAKES SCREECHING)

167
00:06:02,193 --> 00:06:02,226


168
00:06:02,226 --> 00:06:06,193
 Quietening that big V12 down

169
00:06:06,193 --> 00:06:06,226


170
00:06:06,226 --> 00:06:10,226
 doesn't really do anything  because it's like adding  a splash of orange juice

171
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:11,593


172
00:06:11,593 --> 00:06:14,560
 to a pint of gin.

173
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174
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 It's still gonna make you  very, very drunk!

175
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176
00:06:19,693 --> 00:06:23,693
  The 630-horsepower MC12    goes from naught to 60    in 3.8 seconds.

177
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:27,293


178
00:06:27,293 --> 00:06:30,926
  Flat out, it'll be doing 208.

179
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180
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,726
 --  So, it's just as fast  --  as the Enzo,

181
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:33,760


182
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,226
--  and that's the fastest car --  we've ever tested here.

183
00:06:37,226 --> 00:06:40,026


184
00:06:40,026 --> 00:06:43,560
  It's easy to be seduced    by the speed,    but don't be,

185
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:43,593


186
00:06:43,593 --> 00:06:47,593
 --  because this car  --  has a few problems.

187
00:06:48,026 --> 00:06:48,060


188
00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:52,760
  Because this car    was designed for racing,    it has a huge rear spoiler,

189
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:52,793


190
00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:55,626
  but don't worry about this blocking rear visibility

191
00:06:55,626 --> 00:06:55,660


192
00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:58,460
 --  because there's --  no back window.

193
00:06:58,460 --> 00:06:58,493


194
00:06:58,493 --> 00:07:00,833
 --  And then there's the sheer --  size of the thing.

195
00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:00,866


196
00:07:00,866 --> 00:07:04,533
  But the only thing    that dwarfs this    is the price tag.

197
00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:04,566


198
00:07:04,566 --> 00:07:08,166
  £412,000.

199
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:11,366


200
00:07:11,366 --> 00:07:13,266
There's something else, too.

201
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:13,300


202
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:17,466
  Racing cars which have    been converted for road use    never really work.

203
00:07:17,466 --> 00:07:19,066


204
00:07:19,066 --> 00:07:22,966
 It's like making  a hardcore adult film

205
00:07:22,966 --> 00:07:23,000


206
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,266
 and then editing it  so that it can be shown  in British hotels.

207
00:07:26,266 --> 00:07:26,300


208
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,133
 You just end up  with a half-hour close-up

209
00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:29,166


210
00:07:29,166 --> 00:07:32,233
 of some bloke's sweaty face.  (MIMICS GRUNTING)

211
00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:32,266


212
00:07:32,266 --> 00:07:34,733
  -The MC12 then    is a bit blurred.  -(BRAKES SCREECHING)

213
00:07:34,733 --> 00:07:34,766


214
00:07:34,766 --> 00:07:37,033
  Is it a racer? Is it a GT car?

215
00:07:37,033 --> 00:07:37,066


216
00:07:37,066 --> 00:07:39,700
 --  Is it a de-tuned Enzo --  in a fat suit?

217
00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:39,733


218
00:07:39,733 --> 00:07:41,633
  You can't really tell.

219
00:07:41,633 --> 00:07:44,133


220
00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:47,600
--  Yes, it is very, very, very,  --  very, very fast.

221
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:47,633


222
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,400
 --  But it's far too big,  --  far too ugly.

223
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:50,433


224
00:07:50,433 --> 00:07:53,833
 --  And if you put your foot down, --  far too tricky.

225
00:07:53,833 --> 00:07:53,866


226
00:07:53,866 --> 00:07:55,566
 (TYRES SQUEALING)

227
00:07:55,566 --> 00:07:57,200


228
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:01,200
  It's one of the most    difficult, recalcitrant    and twitchy cars

229
00:08:02,073 --> 00:08:02,106


230
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:04,373
  I've ever driven.

231
00:08:04,373 --> 00:08:04,406


232
00:08:04,406 --> 00:08:06,340
 --  Sure, it's already --  winning races,

233
00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:06,373


234
00:08:06,373 --> 00:08:09,340
 --  but I'm afraid --  that like the Biturbo,

235
00:08:09,340 --> 00:08:09,373


236
00:08:09,373 --> 00:08:12,540
 --  it absolutely  --  doesn't win my heart.

237
00:08:12,540 --> 00:08:15,640


238
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,440
 Now, since we've made that film,

239
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:17,473


240
00:08:17,473 --> 00:08:20,206
Maserati is no longer  under the control of Ferrari.

241
00:08:20,206 --> 00:08:20,240


242
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,806
 They've been moved to be under the control of Alfa Romeo,

243
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:22,840


244
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,273
 and soon, I've heard,  they're gonna  be for sale again.

245
00:08:25,273 --> 00:08:25,306


246
00:08:25,306 --> 00:08:26,840
 Yeah, but enough  about all of that stuff.

247
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:26,873


248
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:28,973
 I still can't believe  that you don't  like this thing.

249
00:08:28,973 --> 00:08:29,006


250
00:08:29,006 --> 00:08:32,906
 Oh, I'm sorry!  412,000 quid for a car  that doesn't know what it is?

251
00:08:32,906 --> 00:08:32,940


252
00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:34,973
 And you know,  I said in the film,  it's got no back window?

253
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:35,006


254
00:08:35,006 --> 00:08:38,740
 -Yeah. -Look, I mean, it really has got no back window.

255
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:38,773


256
00:08:38,773 --> 00:08:40,606
No, you're right.  There actually isn't one,  is there?

257
00:08:40,606 --> 00:08:40,640


258
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,673
 But, and you can't deny this,  it is seriously fast.

259
00:08:43,673 --> 00:08:43,706


260
00:08:43,706 --> 00:08:47,306
 (EXCLAIMS MOCKINGLY)  It's quick, it's just...

261
00:08:47,306 --> 00:08:47,340


262
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:51,340
 Honestly, I really do believe  that it will go round our  track faster than the Enzo.

263
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:52,173


264
00:08:52,173 --> 00:08:54,340
 -No!  -I do. Who'd like to see that?

265
00:08:54,340 --> 00:08:54,373


266
00:08:54,373 --> 00:08:56,773
 -AUDIENCE: Yes!  -Well, you can't.

267
00:08:56,773 --> 00:08:56,806


268
00:08:56,806 --> 00:08:58,173
 -(AUDIENCE SIGHING) -Because... No, sorry,

269
00:08:58,173 --> 00:08:58,206


270
00:08:58,206 --> 00:09:00,046
 The Stig is psyching  himself up

271
00:09:00,046 --> 00:09:00,080


272
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,913
 and he's gonna be ready to do that at the end of the show.

273
00:09:02,913 --> 00:09:05,520


274
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,454
So for now, we'll do the news.

275
00:09:07,454 --> 00:09:07,487


276
00:09:07,487 --> 00:09:09,554
 And we begin  with the Honda FR-V,

277
00:09:09,554 --> 00:09:09,587


278
00:09:09,587 --> 00:09:13,587
 which is now available with  a 2.2-litre diesel engine,  offering 45 miles per gallon,

279
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:14,887


280
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,154
 and at price of £17,500.

281
00:09:17,154 --> 00:09:17,187


282
00:09:17,187 --> 00:09:19,254
 -That's not very interesting.  -No, that's not  very interesting.

283
00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:19,287


284
00:09:19,287 --> 00:09:21,854
 But what is interesting is the photograph they've sent us

285
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:21,887


286
00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:24,820
 to illustrate the three abreast seating arrangement in the front.

287
00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:24,854


288
00:09:24,854 --> 00:09:26,787
 Here it is.  And as you can see,

289
00:09:26,787 --> 00:09:26,820


290
00:09:26,820 --> 00:09:29,954
 this lovely couple  have severed  their daughter's head

291
00:09:29,954 --> 00:09:29,987


292
00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:32,387
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -and mounted it  on the dashboard.

293
00:09:32,387 --> 00:09:32,420


294
00:09:32,420 --> 00:09:36,154
 -Well, they have!  -I think it's actually  an air freshener.

295
00:09:36,154 --> 00:09:36,187


296
00:09:36,187 --> 00:09:37,920
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

297
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:37,954


298
00:09:37,954 --> 00:09:41,987
 I think they're making those radar speed detectors illegal, aren't they?

299
00:09:41,987 --> 00:09:42,020


300
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:44,087
 -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)  -I think her eyes glow red.

301
00:09:44,087 --> 00:09:44,120


302
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:45,754
 If you come up,  "Ooh, slow down!"

303
00:09:45,754 --> 00:09:45,787


304
00:09:45,787 --> 00:09:47,354
 Have you seen their faces?

305
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:47,387


306
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,820
 -"Yes, we've chopped  our daughter's head off."  -Yes, we have!

307
00:09:49,820 --> 00:09:49,854


308
00:09:49,854 --> 00:09:52,854
 MAY: I'll give you,  "Are we there yet?",  you spoilt brat.

309
00:09:52,854 --> 00:09:52,887


310
00:09:52,887 --> 00:09:55,820
Now, product of the week. We had to do some car cleaning this week.

311
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:55,854


312
00:09:55,854 --> 00:09:59,854
 So, we came up with this.  It's a super value  five-pack sponge.

313
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:00,054


314
00:10:00,054 --> 00:10:01,287
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

315
00:10:01,287 --> 00:10:01,320


316
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:05,427
 -Price does not include a sponge obviously on that. -MAY: Yes.

317
00:10:05,427 --> 00:10:05,460


318
00:10:05,460 --> 00:10:08,127
 Now, there's a lot of new cars  this week to get through.  So very quickly...

319
00:10:08,127 --> 00:10:08,160


320
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,694
 Saab of course,  cars for nice people,  as we're all agreed.

321
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:11,727


322
00:10:11,727 --> 00:10:13,627
 There's a new one,  an estate version.

323
00:10:13,627 --> 00:10:13,660


324
00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:15,660
 There it is. It's not actually  got a very big boot,

325
00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:15,694


326
00:10:15,694 --> 00:10:18,727
but there's room in there  for your nice dog.

327
00:10:18,727 --> 00:10:18,760


328
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:19,894
 And it is quite  a nice-looking car.

329
00:10:19,894 --> 00:10:19,927


330
00:10:19,927 --> 00:10:21,694
 -It's a nice-looking car.  -MAY: Yes.

331
00:10:21,694 --> 00:10:21,727


332
00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:23,860
 And then Humvee,  they've announced they're  gonna make a new version

333
00:10:23,860 --> 00:10:23,894


334
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:25,694
 which they're gonna send over here.

335
00:10:25,694 --> 00:10:25,727


336
00:10:25,727 --> 00:10:27,860
 There it is.  It's a lot smaller  than a normal Humvee.

337
00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:27,894


338
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:30,360
 Hopefully Greenpeace  will be using that  as a company car.

339
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:30,394


340
00:10:30,394 --> 00:10:31,927
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

341
00:10:31,927 --> 00:10:31,960


342
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,460
 -Probably not.  -CLARKSON: No, they won't,  will they?

343
00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:33,494


344
00:10:33,494 --> 00:10:35,094
 No, I can't see that, no.

345
00:10:35,094 --> 00:10:35,127


346
00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:38,494
Now the MX-5, the car that  sort of kick-started  the roadster revival.

347
00:10:38,494 --> 00:10:38,527


348
00:10:38,527 --> 00:10:40,860
 -Yeah. -It's over 15 years old but there is a new one.

349
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:40,894


350
00:10:40,894 --> 00:10:43,094
 It's a bit bigger,  it's a little bit heavier,

351
00:10:43,094 --> 00:10:43,127


352
00:10:43,127 --> 00:10:45,960
 but it's a lot more powerful  and look at it.

353
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:45,994


354
00:10:45,994 --> 00:10:47,460
 -It's gorgeous.  -It is gorgeous.

355
00:10:47,460 --> 00:10:47,494


356
00:10:47,494 --> 00:10:49,260
 CLARKSON: I love these  flared wheel arches.

357
00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:49,294


358
00:10:49,294 --> 00:10:52,994
 Yeah. Better interior as well.  That's gonna be about £18,500.

359
00:10:52,994 --> 00:10:53,027


360
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,127
 -And I think that's corking.  -CLARKSON: It is brilliant.

361
00:10:55,127 --> 00:10:55,160


362
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,527
 That's out in November, just in time for the end of summer.

363
00:10:57,527 --> 00:10:57,560


364
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,460
-Right. -Brilliant. Nice timing from Mazda!

365
00:10:59,460 --> 00:10:59,494


366
00:10:59,494 --> 00:11:00,827
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

367
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:00,860


368
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,434
 Um, I've got a car here.  This from Ferrari.

369
00:11:03,434 --> 00:11:03,467


370
00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:05,667
 It's called  the Ferrari Superamerica.

371
00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:05,700


372
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,167
 It's a 575  with a roof cut off.

373
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:07,200


374
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,867
 They say this is the fastest convertible in the world.

375
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:09,900


376
00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:13,167
 199 miles an hour,  naught to 60  in about 4.1 seconds,

377
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:13,200


378
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,400
 costs £191,000.

379
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:15,434


380
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:16,934
 -No, it isn't. -What?

381
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:16,967


382
00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:19,200
 It isn't the fastest  convertible in the world.

383
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:19,234


384
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:22,234
 -Porsche Carrera GT,  that's quicker.  -True.

385
00:11:22,234 --> 00:11:22,267


386
00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:24,800
 Uh... What the, um, thing I drove earlier,

387
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:24,834


388
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:26,734
Maserati, MC Hammer, that's quicker.

389
00:11:26,734 --> 00:11:26,767


390
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:29,067
 Third fastest convertible  in the world.

391
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:29,100


392
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:31,300
 -There's a Zonda convertible.  -Fourth fastest...

393
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:31,334


394
00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:35,467
 -And the Koenigsegg.  -It's the fifth...  It's just a fast convertible.

395
00:11:35,467 --> 00:11:35,500


396
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:39,234
 -And the Murcielago.  -Sixth or...  It's a very fast Ferrari.

397
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:39,267


398
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,300
 The worst thing  about this though is,

399
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:41,334


400
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,600
 we've got a picture of it  from the back.

401
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:42,634


402
00:11:42,634 --> 00:11:44,500
 It's just...  Look, it's horrid.

403
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:44,534


404
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:48,534
 In a 575, you can't see this,  which is how you're  not being sick.

405
00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:49,267


406
00:11:49,267 --> 00:11:52,534
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -It's really not  a good-looking car, that.

407
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:52,567


408
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:54,334
 It's gonna have  another problem, I reckon,

409
00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:54,367


410
00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:58,034
 because they way it works  is this roof here hinges over  and folds down,

411
00:11:58,034 --> 00:11:58,067


412
00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:00,234
 sort of flips over  onto the back deck there,

413
00:12:00,234 --> 00:12:00,267


414
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:03,240
 where it lies  in that sort of shape  when it's raining

415
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:03,274


416
00:12:03,274 --> 00:12:04,840
 just before you put it up,  like a sort of,

417
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:04,874


418
00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:07,874
 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -let's say, a big, shallow bucket.

419
00:12:07,874 --> 00:12:07,907


420
00:12:07,907 --> 00:12:09,874
 Anyway, last week,  we were complaining

421
00:12:09,874 --> 00:12:09,907


422
00:12:09,907 --> 00:12:13,440
that Honda didn't make  enough exciting cars  for us in the UK.

423
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:13,474


424
00:12:13,474 --> 00:12:16,174
 -CLARKSON: Yeah. -And they've responded very quickly with this,

425
00:12:16,174 --> 00:12:16,207


426
00:12:16,207 --> 00:12:19,374
 -which apparently is going  to be the new Civic, £12,000.  -HAMMOND: Wow!

427
00:12:19,374 --> 00:12:19,407


428
00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:20,807
 CLARKSON: It's great.  I'd have one.

429
00:12:20,807 --> 00:12:20,840


430
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,940
 -You wouldn't really, though, would you? -No, but my mum would.

431
00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:22,974


432
00:12:22,974 --> 00:12:23,974
 Yes, there you go.

433
00:12:23,974 --> 00:12:24,007


434
00:12:24,007 --> 00:12:26,307
 And you'd go, "Cool, Mum,  that's a great car".

435
00:12:26,307 --> 00:12:26,340


436
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:29,874
 You'd like this.  It's your age.  You wanna come have a look?

437
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:29,907


438
00:12:29,907 --> 00:12:31,474
 It's aimed at your age group.

439
00:12:31,474 --> 00:12:31,507


440
00:12:31,507 --> 00:12:32,874
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

441
00:12:32,874 --> 00:12:33,874


442
00:12:33,874 --> 00:12:35,307
 You like that?

443
00:12:35,307 --> 00:12:35,340


444
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:36,474
 It looks good next to him.

445
00:12:36,474 --> 00:12:36,507


446
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:39,074
 Yeah. You'd go  really well together.

447
00:12:39,074 --> 00:12:40,274


448
00:12:40,274 --> 00:12:42,174
 Hey, now last week,

449
00:12:42,174 --> 00:12:42,207


450
00:12:42,207 --> 00:12:45,407
 we invited you all to send in  your suggestions for the best  ever driving song,

451
00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:45,440


452
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,840
 the one that makes you put your foot down a little bit  when you hear it, okay.

453
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:48,874


454
00:12:48,874 --> 00:12:50,207
 Now, we have a problem.

455
00:12:50,207 --> 00:12:50,240


456
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,274
 Because this is  an ongoing thing  through the series,

457
00:12:52,274 --> 00:12:52,307


458
00:12:52,307 --> 00:12:54,074
 but we're keeping tabs  on how we're doing.

459
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:54,107


460
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,907
 -And I've got here the chart  so far and at number five...  -Yes?

461
00:12:57,907 --> 00:12:57,940


462
00:12:57,940 --> 00:12:59,340
It's Cliff Richard.

463
00:12:59,340 --> 00:12:59,374


464
00:12:59,374 --> 00:13:00,574
 -No! -What?

465
00:13:00,574 --> 00:13:00,607


466
00:13:00,607 --> 00:13:02,880
 -You've got to be joking.  -I bet it was him.

467
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:02,914


468
00:13:02,914 --> 00:13:04,180
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

469
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:04,214


470
00:13:04,214 --> 00:13:05,980
 The other disappointment  thing, in the top 20,

471
00:13:05,980 --> 00:13:06,014


472
00:13:06,014 --> 00:13:07,280
 there's no Doobie Brothers. Now...

473
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:07,314


474
00:13:07,314 --> 00:13:08,447
 No, that's not  a disappointment.

475
00:13:08,447 --> 00:13:08,480


476
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,080
 That's a good thing  we're trying to keep.

477
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:10,114


478
00:13:10,114 --> 00:13:13,047
 Don't vote for...  Anything Jeremy mentions,  don't vote for it.

479
00:13:13,047 --> 00:13:13,080


480
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,114
 -You went on Radio 1  this week, okay?  -Yes.

481
00:13:16,114 --> 00:13:16,147


482
00:13:16,147 --> 00:13:19,447
 He was on radio,  which is a small radio station  for 4-year-olds, okay.

483
00:13:19,447 --> 00:13:19,480


484
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,714
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -And he said...

485
00:13:21,714 --> 00:13:21,747


486
00:13:21,747 --> 00:13:25,247
 He said that the best ever driving song was by a band called...

487
00:13:25,247 --> 00:13:25,280


488
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,447
 What are they called?  The Baby Snatchers?

489
00:13:26,447 --> 00:13:26,480


490
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,214
 The BodyRockers,  you poor, bewildered old fool.

491
00:13:29,214 --> 00:13:29,247


492
00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:33,314
 So, I went to a record shop,  okay, and I said, "Please  can I have that record..."

493
00:13:33,314 --> 00:13:33,347


494
00:13:33,347 --> 00:13:34,380
 Did they laugh?

495
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:34,414


496
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,180
 Yes. And I brought it  along, okay.

497
00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:36,214


498
00:13:36,214 --> 00:13:37,914
 This is the song  that he says is the best...

499
00:13:37,914 --> 00:13:37,947


500
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:40,980
 "Yes, I'm gonna  put my foot down..."  Okay, ready?

501
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:41,014


502
00:13:41,014 --> 00:13:43,047
 (MUSIC PLAYING)

503
00:13:43,047 --> 00:13:43,080


504
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,980
-Well, it's the intro,  you berk!  -It's a blacksmith's shop.

505
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:46,014


506
00:13:46,014 --> 00:13:49,247
 Here comes my 6-year-old  with her Fisher-Price hammer.

507
00:13:49,247 --> 00:13:49,280


508
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:50,814
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

509
00:13:50,814 --> 00:13:50,847


510
00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:52,780
 -It's rubbish!  -(IMITATES CLARKSON)  I can't understand the words.

511
00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:52,814


512
00:13:52,814 --> 00:13:54,847
 -It's rubbish!  -That is working for me!

513
00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:54,880


514
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,614
 It's better than the garbage  you've been promoting.

515
00:13:56,614 --> 00:13:56,647


516
00:13:56,647 --> 00:13:58,914
 If you want a drum intro,    Watcher of the Skies  by Genesis.

517
00:13:58,914 --> 00:13:58,947


518
00:13:58,947 --> 00:14:00,514
 -MAY: No, he's right.  -Is that some  prog-rock rubbish?

519
00:14:00,514 --> 00:14:00,547


520
00:14:00,547 --> 00:14:01,887
 -He is right.    -Watcher of the Skies  by Genesis.

521
00:14:01,887 --> 00:14:01,920


522
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,054
-I'm leaving. -Fine, goodbye.

523
00:14:04,054 --> 00:14:04,087


524
00:14:04,087 --> 00:14:05,287
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

525
00:14:05,287 --> 00:14:05,320


526
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,387
 Um, no really,  I do wanna see more votes

527
00:14:07,387 --> 00:14:07,420


528
00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:09,287
 for the Doobie Brothers  rocking in this week.

529
00:14:09,287 --> 00:14:09,320


530
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,354
 Don't vote for... Vote for something more recent than that.

531
00:14:12,354 --> 00:14:12,387


532
00:14:12,387 --> 00:14:14,687
 Um, to vote,  please just go to the website,

533
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:14,720


534
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,154
 -which is bbc...  -Doobie Brothers.

535
00:14:16,154 --> 00:14:16,187


536
00:14:16,187 --> 00:14:17,520
 -Do not vote for  any of his stuff.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

537
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:17,554


538
00:14:17,554 --> 00:14:19,787
 -Steely Dan.  -Save me from these people!

539
00:14:19,787 --> 00:14:19,820


540
00:14:19,820 --> 00:14:23,120
  bbc.co.uk/topgear.

541
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:23,154


542
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,754
 Right, enough  of this pop nonsense.  Have a look at this.

543
00:14:25,754 --> 00:14:25,787


544
00:14:25,787 --> 00:14:29,787
What we have here  is the new Jaguar XK.

545
00:14:30,554 --> 00:14:30,587


546
00:14:30,587 --> 00:14:31,820
 How about that?

547
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:31,854


548
00:14:31,854 --> 00:14:34,354
 Now, Jaguar say that this is only a concept car,

549
00:14:34,354 --> 00:14:34,387


550
00:14:34,387 --> 00:14:36,920
 but don't be fooled by that,  because we've seen  the real thing,

551
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:36,954


552
00:14:36,954 --> 00:14:40,020
 and we happen to know  that this is exactly the same.

553
00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:40,054


554
00:14:40,054 --> 00:14:44,987
 Now, this has been designed  by the same man  who did the Aston Martin DB9,

555
00:14:44,987 --> 00:14:45,020


556
00:14:45,020 --> 00:14:46,954
 using a piece  of tracing paper.

557
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:46,987


558
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,854
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

559
00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:48,887


560
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:51,387
 What we do know about it  is that it's going to be  on sale early next year,

561
00:14:51,387 --> 00:14:51,420


562
00:14:51,420 --> 00:14:53,520
 with prices  from about £50,000.

563
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:53,554


564
00:14:53,554 --> 00:14:57,520
There'll be the 4.2 V8 engine  that we're already  familiar with,

565
00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:57,554


566
00:14:57,554 --> 00:14:59,354
 in super-charged form as well,

567
00:14:59,354 --> 00:14:59,387


568
00:14:59,387 --> 00:15:01,687
 and we have heard from one of our spies,

569
00:15:01,687 --> 00:15:01,720


570
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:05,727
 that there's going to be  a very special edition  with up to 500 horsepower.

571
00:15:05,727 --> 00:15:05,760


572
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,494
 So, ordered a Porsche 911?

573
00:15:08,494 --> 00:15:09,194


574
00:15:09,194 --> 00:15:10,660
 Kept the receipt, did you?

575
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:10,694


576
00:15:10,694 --> 00:15:12,194
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

577
00:15:12,194 --> 00:15:12,227


578
00:15:12,227 --> 00:15:13,860
 You know what that is,  don't you, that Jag?

579
00:15:13,860 --> 00:15:13,894


580
00:15:13,894 --> 00:15:17,427
 It's a DB9 for 50 grand off.  That's what it is.

581
00:15:17,427 --> 00:15:17,460


582
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,927
 Anyway, you may remember  in the last series,

583
00:15:19,927 --> 00:15:19,960


584
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,627
we each bought a Porsche  for less than £1,500.  Do you remember that?

585
00:15:23,627 --> 00:15:23,660


586
00:15:23,660 --> 00:15:25,394
 -AUDIENCE: Yes.  -And in doing so,

587
00:15:25,394 --> 00:15:25,427


588
00:15:25,427 --> 00:15:29,560
 we proved that  you can't buy a Porsche  for less than 1,500 quid.

589
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:29,594


590
00:15:29,594 --> 00:15:31,760
 -HAMMOND: Yes. -Not if you want to go anywhere in it, anyway.

591
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:31,794


592
00:15:31,794 --> 00:15:34,427
 No. They were rubbish.  They really were rubbish.

593
00:15:34,427 --> 00:15:34,460


594
00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:37,260
 So then, the producers came up  with a bit of a wizard wheeze.

595
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:37,294


596
00:15:37,294 --> 00:15:40,760
 They gave us  a budget again of 1,500 quid,  but this time they said,

597
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:40,794


598
00:15:40,794 --> 00:15:44,794
"Go and buy any two-door sports coupe you like that isn't a Porsche".

599
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:45,760


600
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,960
 Yeah, and then they said,  "Okay, when you've  got your cars,

601
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:47,994


602
00:15:47,994 --> 00:15:51,860
 "you meet up,  and there'll be  a series of tests".

603
00:15:51,860 --> 00:15:53,327


604
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:56,494
 --CLARKSON:  Our meeting point --  was Millbrook in Bedfordshire,

605
00:15:56,494 --> 00:15:56,527


606
00:15:56,527 --> 00:16:00,294
 --  the biggest and most daunting  --  test track in Britain.

607
00:16:00,294 --> 00:16:00,327


608
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,500
  Its two-mile banked circuit,

609
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:02,534


610
00:16:02,534 --> 00:16:06,334
  its rough roads    and its formidable    Alpine handling track

611
00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:06,367


612
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:09,634
 --  are designed to test --  brand new cars to destruction.

613
00:16:09,634 --> 00:16:09,667


614
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:13,667
So, what kind of havoc    will they wreak    on our 1,500 quid bangers?

615
00:16:15,234 --> 00:16:19,234


616
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,800
  I was the first to arrive    with my two-door coupe    that isn't a Porsche.

617
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:26,734


618
00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:30,734
 -What it is,  is a Mitsubishi Starion.  -(CAR DOOR CREAKS)

619
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:31,034


620
00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:33,300
 I've, um... I've always  loved these things,

621
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:33,334


622
00:16:33,334 --> 00:16:37,034
 and this is the last one  ever imported into Britain.

623
00:16:37,034 --> 00:16:37,067


624
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:40,967
 It's a wide-bodied  2.6-litre turbo, 14 years old.

625
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:41,000


626
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,834
 It's done 81,000 miles.

627
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:42,867


628
00:16:42,867 --> 00:16:46,734
 A few bumps and scrapes,  of course, but mechanically,  quite good order.

629
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:50,467


630
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:54,467
--  James had bought himself  --  a 1,000-year-old antique.

631
00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:55,600


632
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:56,934
 Well, James!

633
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:56,967


634
00:16:56,967 --> 00:17:00,967
 It's a Jag.  It's got 12 cylinders,  and it's gold, sir.

635
00:17:01,507 --> 00:17:01,540


636
00:17:01,540 --> 00:17:03,574
  Look at that!

637
00:17:03,574 --> 00:17:03,607


638
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:05,940
 CLARKSON:  I'm really quite cross, because it doesn't appear to...

639
00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:05,974


640
00:17:05,974 --> 00:17:08,707
 I mean, I assumed...  I never bothered  looking for an XJS,

641
00:17:08,707 --> 00:17:08,740


642
00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:10,807
 because I thought it would  just be rubbish  for this money.

643
00:17:10,807 --> 00:17:10,840


644
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,440
 I never bothered looking for a Starion,

645
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:12,474


646
00:17:12,474 --> 00:17:14,740
 because I just knew  it was rubbish, full stop.

647
00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:14,774


648
00:17:14,774 --> 00:17:17,440
 CLARKSON: Don't you like  the DeLorean rear thing?

649
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:17,474


650
00:17:17,474 --> 00:17:19,674
Yes. Did DeLorean  use gaffer tape as well?

651
00:17:19,674 --> 00:17:21,440


652
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,274
 --CLARKSON:  And finally,  --  Hammond arrived.

653
00:17:24,274 --> 00:17:24,307


654
00:17:24,307 --> 00:17:27,607
 I knew he'd buy a BMW. A-reg?

655
00:17:27,607 --> 00:17:27,640


656
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:28,774
 I say, it looks very good.

657
00:17:28,774 --> 00:17:28,807


658
00:17:28,807 --> 00:17:30,574
 Yeah! (LAUGHS)

659
00:17:30,574 --> 00:17:30,607


660
00:17:30,607 --> 00:17:32,640
 Your handbrake working well there then, is it?

661
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:32,674


662
00:17:32,674 --> 00:17:35,407
 -Yeah, I'll... (MUMBLES)  -Is it? Oh, dear!

663
00:17:35,407 --> 00:17:35,440


664
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,307
 It's, you know,  reasonably well...

665
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:37,340


666
00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:40,374
 (CHUCKLES) Anyway, he's bought  a grandfather clock!

667
00:17:40,374 --> 00:17:40,407


668
00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:41,440
 (BOTH LAUGHING)

669
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:41,474


670
00:17:41,474 --> 00:17:43,374
 He has. Let's just have a look at this.

671
00:17:43,374 --> 00:17:43,407


672
00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:45,340
 -What?  -Is it an M... What is it?

673
00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:45,374


674
00:17:45,374 --> 00:17:47,674
-He's forgotten  to put his red braces on.  -CLARKSON: 633?

675
00:17:47,674 --> 00:17:47,707


676
00:17:47,707 --> 00:17:50,074
 HAMMOND: This is a 635, 1983.  CLARKSON: 5?

677
00:17:50,074 --> 00:17:50,107


678
00:17:50,107 --> 00:17:52,174
 HAMMOND: Oh, yeah. CLARKSON: That's a 635?

679
00:17:52,174 --> 00:17:52,207


680
00:17:52,207 --> 00:17:55,040
 635, within budget.  What have you got?

681
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:55,074


682
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,007
 (LAUGHS) Oh, my God!

683
00:17:57,007 --> 00:17:57,040


684
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,040
 CLARKSON: What?  HAMMOND: It's a wheelie-bin.  Look at it.

685
00:17:59,040 --> 00:17:59,074


686
00:17:59,074 --> 00:18:01,407
 We have to get on  with this challenge.  Have you seen under his car?

687
00:18:01,407 --> 00:18:01,440


688
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,747
 HAMMOND: A pool of oil  and it's growing.

689
00:18:02,747 --> 00:18:02,780


690
00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:04,180
 MAY: Oh, there's plenty in there though.

691
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:04,214


692
00:18:04,214 --> 00:18:08,014
So, first challenge,  and it is here.  Thank you very much.

693
00:18:08,014 --> 00:18:08,047


694
00:18:08,047 --> 00:18:09,947
 "High-speed bowl challenge.

695
00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:09,980


696
00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:13,980
 "You will drive around  the banked high-speed circuit  as quickly as possible.

697
00:18:14,147 --> 00:18:14,180


698
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:16,914
 "140 miles an hour  is your target speed.

699
00:18:16,914 --> 00:18:16,947


700
00:18:16,947 --> 00:18:20,947
 "Points are lost  for failing to achieve it  and gained for beating it."

701
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:24,880


702
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,247
 Okay, here we go.

703
00:18:26,247 --> 00:18:27,147


704
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,447
 The top speed of that car,

705
00:18:28,447 --> 00:18:28,480


706
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,480
 when it was shiny and new in 1984, was 142 miles an hour.

707
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:33,980


708
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:37,180
 Many, many years and moons have passed since then.

709
00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:39,147


710
00:18:39,147 --> 00:18:40,614
--CLARKSON:  The Hamster  --  was in the wheel,

711
00:18:40,614 --> 00:18:40,647


712
00:18:40,647 --> 00:18:43,514
 --  but his car wasn't going  --  to be rushed.

713
00:18:43,514 --> 00:18:43,914


714
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,147
 105.

715
00:18:45,147 --> 00:18:49,147


716
00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:55,447
 110.

717
00:18:55,447 --> 00:18:57,147


718
00:18:57,147 --> 00:18:59,014
 I don't think it's got  much more to give.

719
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:01,147


720
00:19:01,147 --> 00:19:03,687
 CLARKSON:  115 miles an hour, Hamster?

721
00:19:03,687 --> 00:19:03,720


722
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,987
 HAMMOND: (OVER RADIO)    I've only got 110    showing on the clock.

723
00:19:05,987 --> 00:19:06,020


724
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:10,020
  You see? It's a BMW. It's being discreet and underestimating its speed!

725
00:19:11,654 --> 00:19:11,687


726
00:19:11,687 --> 00:19:13,887
 HAMMOND: How do I get off?

727
00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:15,520


728
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,454
 Right, here we are  entering the bowl.

729
00:19:18,454 --> 00:19:18,487


730
00:19:18,487 --> 00:19:20,220
 Here he comes! Here he comes!

731
00:19:20,220 --> 00:19:20,254


732
00:19:20,254 --> 00:19:23,020
CLARKSON:  That's the slowest car  ever at Millbrook.

733
00:19:23,020 --> 00:19:23,054


734
00:19:23,054 --> 00:19:24,854
 I'm moving into the top lane.

735
00:19:24,854 --> 00:19:27,287


736
00:19:27,287 --> 00:19:28,387
 Buffeting!

737
00:19:28,387 --> 00:19:32,387


738
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:35,720
 -CLARKSON: Oh! -Flipping heck!

739
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:35,754


740
00:19:35,754 --> 00:19:38,387
 That felt, ugh...

741
00:19:38,387 --> 00:19:38,420


742
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:40,854
 -That's oil.  -Good God, this is awful.

743
00:19:40,854 --> 00:19:40,887


744
00:19:40,887 --> 00:19:42,787
 And what was the speed?

745
00:19:42,787 --> 00:19:42,820


746
00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:44,754
 -Error.  -What do you mean, "error"?

747
00:19:44,754 --> 00:19:44,787


748
00:19:44,787 --> 00:19:46,054
 He'll never do that again!

749
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:46,087


750
00:19:46,087 --> 00:19:47,854
 Why doesn't that ever happen  with the police?

751
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:47,887


752
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:51,354
 It smells, the oil pressure has disappeared.

753
00:19:51,354 --> 00:19:53,087


754
00:19:53,087 --> 00:19:54,620
 It's going to explode!

755
00:19:54,620 --> 00:19:56,487


756
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:58,220
 Look at the smoke.

757
00:19:58,220 --> 00:20:02,894


758
00:20:02,894 --> 00:20:04,627
 --CLARKSON:  --  James's grandfather clock

759
00:20:04,627 --> 00:20:04,660


760
00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:08,660
had reached the 140-mile-hour    target speed,    but it had paid the price.

761
00:20:09,994 --> 00:20:13,194


762
00:20:13,194 --> 00:20:15,394
 -Ow!  -(RADIATOR SIZZLING)

763
00:20:15,394 --> 00:20:16,327


764
00:20:16,327 --> 00:20:18,260
 Yep, that's broken.

765
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,527


766
00:20:21,527 --> 00:20:25,994
 -It looks awful.  -Limping out.  It sounds terrible.

767
00:20:25,994 --> 00:20:26,027


768
00:20:26,027 --> 00:20:30,694
 CLARKSON:  And to start with,    it was disappointingly slow,    but I wasn't worried.

769
00:20:30,694 --> 00:20:30,727


770
00:20:30,727 --> 00:20:34,527
 I do have one secret weapon,  which is,  the bloke I bought it from

771
00:20:34,527 --> 00:20:34,560


772
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,927
 has fitted some device  to the turbocharger,  and I'm not joking,

773
00:20:37,927 --> 00:20:37,960


774
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,694
 that gives me  sort of extra boost.

775
00:20:40,694 --> 00:20:40,727


776
00:20:40,727 --> 00:20:43,227
 I'm gonna try that...  Now.

777
00:20:43,227 --> 00:20:43,260


778
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:46,360
-(ENGINE ROARING)  -Oh, my God!

779
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:46,394


780
00:20:46,394 --> 00:20:50,394
 --CLARKSON:  The afterburner  --  certainly upped the speed,

781
00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:51,094


782
00:20:51,094 --> 00:20:55,094
 --  but unfortunately,  --  it also undressed the car.

783
00:20:55,094 --> 00:20:55,127


784
00:20:55,127 --> 00:20:57,894
 Where's his thing  gone off the back?

785
00:20:57,894 --> 00:20:59,560


786
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,100
 (LAUGHS) Yes, right.  Is that your attempt  at going faster,

787
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:02,134


788
00:21:02,134 --> 00:21:03,334
 shedding weight  on the way around?

789
00:21:03,334 --> 00:21:03,367


790
00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:05,800
 -How fast was it?  -Uh, 100... (MUMBLES)

791
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:05,834


792
00:21:05,834 --> 00:21:07,767
 -What?  -119.

793
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:07,800


794
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,800
 -119? Yes!  -119, which is faster  than me, yes.

795
00:21:12,567 --> 00:21:12,600


796
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,400
 CLARKSON:  That said, James's clock was the winner,

797
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:15,434


798
00:21:15,434 --> 00:21:18,300
--  even though it did need  --  an oil and water transplant

799
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:18,334


800
00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:21,534
 --  before it could face  --  the next challenge.

801
00:21:21,534 --> 00:21:24,520


802
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,520
 "This challenge is designed  to test the quality  of the ride in your cars.

803
00:21:29,220 --> 00:21:29,253


804
00:21:29,253 --> 00:21:32,320
 "Each of you must drive  along the dreaded  cobbled pave course

805
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:32,353


806
00:21:32,353 --> 00:21:35,253
 "at 30 miles an hour  with a bowl of water  on your lap."

807
00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:35,287


808
00:21:35,287 --> 00:21:36,953
 -Is this  It's a Knockout?  -(ALL LAUGHING)

809
00:21:36,953 --> 00:21:36,987


810
00:21:36,987 --> 00:21:39,320
 Is Stuart Hall  coming in a pair of big shoes?

811
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:39,353


812
00:21:39,353 --> 00:21:42,653
 "A point is lost  for every fluid ounce spilt."

813
00:21:42,653 --> 00:21:42,687


814
00:21:42,687 --> 00:21:44,987
-CLARKSON: This is Belgian  pave. Very, very bumpy.  -Yes.

815
00:21:44,987 --> 00:21:45,020


816
00:21:45,020 --> 00:21:48,153
 And James is going  to have a very wet crotch.  Or will he?

817
00:21:48,153 --> 00:21:48,187


818
00:21:48,187 --> 00:21:49,587
 I hate to say this,

819
00:21:49,587 --> 00:21:49,620


820
00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:52,820
 do you not think  he stands a pretty good  chance in that Jag?

821
00:21:52,820 --> 00:21:55,153


822
00:21:55,153 --> 00:21:58,253
 -And here we go.  And that's a disaster already.  -(WATER SPLASHING)

823
00:21:58,253 --> 00:21:58,287


824
00:21:58,287 --> 00:22:00,320
 -(SLOSHING)  -Oh, my God!

825
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:00,353


826
00:22:00,353 --> 00:22:02,020
 He has achieved 30.

827
00:22:02,020 --> 00:22:02,053


828
00:22:02,053 --> 00:22:04,220
 I haven't felt like this  since I was a very small boy.

829
00:22:04,220 --> 00:22:04,253


830
00:22:04,253 --> 00:22:06,793
 Oh, that's a bit  of a wobble there.  That was a splash.

831
00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:06,827


832
00:22:06,827 --> 00:22:08,360
 Well, it's flying everywhere.

833
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:08,393


834
00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:11,593
-CLARKSON: Oh, yes,  it's very bumpy!  -(BOTH LAUGHING)

835
00:22:11,593 --> 00:22:11,627


836
00:22:11,627 --> 00:22:14,593
 HAMMOND:  Oh. That's not the first time  that's happened, is it?

837
00:22:14,593 --> 00:22:14,627


838
00:22:14,627 --> 00:22:15,727
 -Richard? -Yeah.

839
00:22:15,727 --> 00:22:15,760


840
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,560
 That happened in a Jaguar.

841
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:17,593


842
00:22:17,593 --> 00:22:20,060
 Yes, exactly. This is the car  with one of the world's  best ride qualities,

843
00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:20,093


844
00:22:20,093 --> 00:22:24,360
 so you, sir,  in your sporty BMW,  are probably gonna drown!

845
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:24,393


846
00:22:24,393 --> 00:22:27,427
 This may not look like a lot of water. Can I just point out...

847
00:22:27,427 --> 00:22:28,960


848
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,127
 Very firm suspension  in the 635.

849
00:22:31,127 --> 00:22:31,160


850
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,293
 Not the car I would choose if I was going to drive

851
00:22:33,293 --> 00:22:33,327


852
00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:36,893
over some Belgian pastries  with a bucket of water  on my lap.

853
00:22:36,893 --> 00:22:37,727


854
00:22:37,727 --> 00:22:38,860
 (ENGINE REVVING)

855
00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:38,893


856
00:22:38,893 --> 00:22:42,660
 (GROANS) Doing my lap. Ah!

857
00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:42,693


858
00:22:42,693 --> 00:22:44,360
 (BOTH CHUCKLING)

859
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:44,393


860
00:22:44,393 --> 00:22:47,793
 It's ever so cold!  Oh, is this like being old?

861
00:22:47,793 --> 00:22:50,427


862
00:22:50,427 --> 00:22:51,793
 (SHOUTS)

863
00:22:51,793 --> 00:22:54,593


864
00:22:54,593 --> 00:22:56,593
 -Yes, he's quite wet.  -Gotten quite wet.

865
00:22:56,593 --> 00:22:56,627


866
00:22:56,627 --> 00:22:58,460
 And, uh, beige trousers,  big...

867
00:22:58,460 --> 00:22:58,493


868
00:22:58,493 --> 00:23:01,227
 -(BOTH LAUGHING)  -Big problem there.  It's, uh...

869
00:23:01,227 --> 00:23:01,260


870
00:23:01,260 --> 00:23:02,627
 How did you get it up here?

871
00:23:02,627 --> 00:23:02,660


872
00:23:02,660 --> 00:23:06,660
 -I'm only small! This is waistband! -(ALL LAUGHING)

873
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:07,533


874
00:23:07,533 --> 00:23:09,533
 --MAY:  Finally,  --  it was Jeremy's turn,

875
00:23:09,533 --> 00:23:09,567


876
00:23:09,567 --> 00:23:11,567
 --  and he had  --  a bit of a handicap.

877
00:23:11,567 --> 00:23:11,600


878
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,667
The problem I have, of course,  is that I have a manual,  unlike the other two,

879
00:23:14,667 --> 00:23:14,700


880
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:18,700
 so I actually have  to physically move my legs  in order to change gear.

881
00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:21,467


882
00:23:21,467 --> 00:23:24,400
 CLARKSON:    The gearbox, however,    was the least of my worries.

883
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:24,433


884
00:23:24,433 --> 00:23:26,233
 (LAUGHING)

885
00:23:26,233 --> 00:23:28,033


886
00:23:28,033 --> 00:23:31,233
 The bonnet just bounced up. That'll have chucked it all in his crotch.

887
00:23:31,233 --> 00:23:31,267


888
00:23:31,267 --> 00:23:32,367
 I so hope so.

889
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:32,967


890
00:23:32,967 --> 00:23:34,900
 No! Oh!

891
00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:34,933


892
00:23:34,933 --> 00:23:36,667
 (LAUGHING)

893
00:23:36,667 --> 00:23:38,633


894
00:23:38,633 --> 00:23:39,967
 (ALL LAUGHING)

895
00:23:39,967 --> 00:23:40,000


896
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,467
 MAY: Just from  his expression...

897
00:23:42,467 --> 00:23:42,500


898
00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:44,500
 -Oh, well done!  -(HAMMOND LAUGHING)

899
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:44,533


900
00:23:44,533 --> 00:23:46,300
 HAMMOND: Jeremy! MAY: Let me take that.

901
00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:46,333


902
00:23:46,333 --> 00:23:48,333
I think we can already tell...

903
00:23:48,333 --> 00:23:48,367


904
00:23:48,367 --> 00:23:49,967
 (ALL LAUGHING)

905
00:23:49,967 --> 00:23:50,000


906
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,467
 -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)  -HAMMOND: Oh, yeah!

907
00:23:52,467 --> 00:23:52,500


908
00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:53,867
 It's not pleasant, is it?

909
00:23:53,867 --> 00:23:53,900


910
00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:56,567
 If you do that, then your trouser legs don't touch your legs.

911
00:23:56,567 --> 00:23:56,600


912
00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,033
 HAMMOND:    So, it was another victory    for the grandfather clock,

913
00:24:00,033 --> 00:24:00,067


914
00:24:00,067 --> 00:24:03,640
 --  but the smile was about  --  to be wiped off James's face.

915
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,207


916
00:24:05,207 --> 00:24:07,473
 Right.

917
00:24:07,473 --> 00:24:07,507


918
00:24:07,507 --> 00:24:11,073
 "Your coupes were renowned  for their sporty character  in the 1980s."

919
00:24:11,073 --> 00:24:11,107


920
00:24:11,107 --> 00:24:12,340
 '90s with mine, '90s.

921
00:24:12,340 --> 00:24:12,373


922
00:24:12,373 --> 00:24:13,973
 '90s in your case.

923
00:24:13,973 --> 00:24:14,007


924
00:24:14,007 --> 00:24:16,907
"But how will they  measure up today on  the fearsome Alpine circuit?"

925
00:24:16,907 --> 00:24:16,940


926
00:24:16,940 --> 00:24:18,773
 -That's this?  -This thing, I think.

927
00:24:18,773 --> 00:24:18,807


928
00:24:18,807 --> 00:24:21,173
 "The Stig will drive a lap  in each car.

929
00:24:21,173 --> 00:24:21,207


930
00:24:21,207 --> 00:24:24,107
 "One minute and five seconds  is the target time.

931
00:24:24,107 --> 00:24:24,140


932
00:24:24,140 --> 00:24:26,273
 "You lose a point  for every second  slower than that,

933
00:24:26,273 --> 00:24:26,307


934
00:24:26,307 --> 00:24:30,307
 "and gain a point  for every second faster."

935
00:24:30,307 --> 00:24:30,340


936
00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:34,340
 HAMMOND:  I decided that my BMW should tackle the web of hills and off camber corners first,

937
00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:35,573


938
00:24:35,573 --> 00:24:39,573
  before the British Leyland Jag had a chance to coat them all with the fill of oil.

939
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:44,840


940
00:24:45,107 --> 00:24:47,073
-Here he comes.  -Oh, look at that!

941
00:24:47,073 --> 00:24:48,640


942
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:52,040
 HAMMOND:  It looks brilliant on there!  CLARKSON: 30 miles an hour.

943
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:52,073


944
00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:56,240
 HAMMOND: Get off!  That's moving...  Look at it corner, level-ish.

945
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:56,273


946
00:24:56,273 --> 00:24:58,207
 -Whoa!  -(ENGINE ROARING)

947
00:24:58,207 --> 00:24:58,240


948
00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,640
 Run for your lives!

949
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:00,907


950
00:25:00,907 --> 00:25:03,673
 Quite a good noise as well, actually.

951
00:25:03,673 --> 00:25:03,707


952
00:25:03,707 --> 00:25:06,080
 That's because five cylinders  are working.

953
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:06,113


954
00:25:06,113 --> 00:25:07,680
 They're working well.

955
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:07,713


956
00:25:07,713 --> 00:25:10,013
 (TYRES SCREECHING)

957
00:25:10,013 --> 00:25:10,047


958
00:25:10,047 --> 00:25:13,880
 MAN: (OVER RADIO)  The lap time for the BMW is one minute and one second.

959
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:13,913


960
00:25:13,913 --> 00:25:17,913
 Yes! I thank you!  I've won something possibly!

961
00:25:18,447 --> 00:25:18,480


962
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:22,480
-CLARKSON:  Next up    was the mighty Starion.  -(ENGINE REVVING)

963
00:25:23,113 --> 00:25:23,147


964
00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:25,580
 --  Manual gearbox,  --  the lightest of the three...

965
00:25:25,580 --> 00:25:25,613


966
00:25:25,613 --> 00:25:29,613
  I was confident    the pedigree racer    would romp to victory here.

967
00:25:30,247 --> 00:25:30,280


968
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,447
 Look at that!  Already that's quicker  than yours!

969
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:32,480


970
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,047
 -It's not.  -It's quicker through here.

971
00:25:35,047 --> 00:25:35,080


972
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,147
 (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

973
00:25:37,147 --> 00:25:40,080


974
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,547
 See that back  just kicking there?  See the back?

975
00:25:42,547 --> 00:25:42,580


976
00:25:42,580 --> 00:25:44,247
 -Flopping. -Not flopping!

977
00:25:44,247 --> 00:25:46,447


978
00:25:46,447 --> 00:25:50,680
 MAN: (OVER RADIO)  The lap time for the Mitsubishi Starion is one minute dead.

979
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:50,713


980
00:25:50,713 --> 00:25:51,913
 No!

981
00:25:51,913 --> 00:25:51,947


982
00:25:51,947 --> 00:25:54,413
It's got good brakes,  good steering, good handling.

983
00:25:54,413 --> 00:25:54,447


984
00:25:54,447 --> 00:25:55,913
 Everything about it is...  (CLICKS TONGUE)

985
00:25:55,913 --> 00:25:55,947


986
00:25:55,947 --> 00:25:58,380
 You bought the wrong car,  Richard.

987
00:25:58,380 --> 00:25:58,413


988
00:25:58,413 --> 00:26:00,480
 --CLARKSON:  But when it comes  --  to wrong cars,

989
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:00,513


990
00:26:00,513 --> 00:26:03,113
 --  the Torrey Canyon  --  takes some beating.

991
00:26:03,113 --> 00:26:07,113


992
00:26:08,387 --> 00:26:09,920
 Will it make the hill?

993
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:09,953


994
00:26:09,953 --> 00:26:11,620
 -I'd love it to stop  and roll back down.  -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

995
00:26:11,620 --> 00:26:11,653


996
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:13,353
 MAY: It doesn't look  that fast, actually.

997
00:26:13,353 --> 00:26:13,387


998
00:26:13,387 --> 00:26:15,553
 HAMMOND: It's not.

999
00:26:15,553 --> 00:26:15,587


1000
00:26:15,587 --> 00:26:17,387
 -My word! -See The Stig?

1001
00:26:17,387 --> 00:26:19,587


1002
00:26:19,587 --> 00:26:22,187
 --MAN: (OVER RADIO)  And the time --  for the Jaguar XJS is...

1003
00:26:22,187 --> 00:26:24,153


1004
00:26:24,153 --> 00:26:26,253
--  ...one minute  --  and nine seconds.

1005
00:26:26,253 --> 00:26:26,287


1006
00:26:26,287 --> 00:26:28,687
 -Rubbish! (LAUGHS LOUDLY)  -MAY: Mmm.

1007
00:26:28,687 --> 00:26:28,720


1008
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,553
 -That's poor. -I won't laugh at him.

1009
00:26:30,553 --> 00:26:30,587


1010
00:26:30,587 --> 00:26:32,520
 --CLARKSON:  Not only  --  had James's car lost,

1011
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:32,553


1012
00:26:32,553 --> 00:26:36,053
 --  but yet more vital fluids  --  had been spilled.

1013
00:26:36,053 --> 00:26:36,087


1014
00:26:36,087 --> 00:26:39,720
 There's evidence of its blood.  You see, it's bleeding?

1015
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,253


1016
00:26:41,253 --> 00:26:44,820
 --  And this didn't bode well  --  for our next task.

1017
00:26:44,820 --> 00:26:44,853


1018
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:48,120
 The title,  "Reliability Challenge".  (LAUGHS)

1019
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:48,153


1020
00:26:48,153 --> 00:26:49,820
 --CLARKSON:  --  Having brimmed the cars,

1021
00:26:49,820 --> 00:26:49,853


1022
00:26:49,853 --> 00:26:51,920
 --  we were told to drive --  to the QI Club,

1023
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:51,953


1024
00:26:51,953 --> 00:26:55,053
--  64 miles away  --  in the centre of Oxford.

1025
00:26:55,053 --> 00:26:55,087


1026
00:26:55,087 --> 00:26:57,187
 "Points are awarded  or deducted depending on

1027
00:26:57,187 --> 00:26:57,220


1028
00:26:57,220 --> 00:26:58,687
 "how many faults  occur along the way."

1029
00:26:58,687 --> 00:26:58,720


1030
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,287
 --CLARKSON:  This was a problem  --  for all of us,

1031
00:27:00,287 --> 00:27:00,320


1032
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,427
 --  because Oxford isn't a city,  --  it's a bus lane.

1033
00:27:04,427 --> 00:27:04,460


1034
00:27:04,460 --> 00:27:07,260
 Oxford hates the car. It's gonna hate these!

1035
00:27:07,260 --> 00:27:07,293


1036
00:27:07,293 --> 00:27:09,760
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1037
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:09,793


1038
00:27:09,793 --> 00:27:12,427
 --HAMMOND:  While James  --  topped up his engine, again,

1039
00:27:12,427 --> 00:27:12,460


1040
00:27:12,460 --> 00:27:14,427
  and Jeremy topped up himself,

1041
00:27:14,427 --> 00:27:14,460


1042
00:27:14,460 --> 00:27:16,193
  I unleashed a welter of gizmos

1043
00:27:16,193 --> 00:27:16,227


1044
00:27:16,227 --> 00:27:19,393
that would guide me    through the minefield    of Oxford's one-way systems.

1045
00:27:19,393 --> 00:27:19,427


1046
00:27:19,427 --> 00:27:21,827
 That's one sat-nav.

1047
00:27:21,827 --> 00:27:21,860


1048
00:27:21,860 --> 00:27:23,627
 (SAT-NAV BUZZING)

1049
00:27:23,627 --> 00:27:27,627


1050
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:33,460
 CLARKSON:  Despite Hammond's    sat-nav systems,    I led the way in my Starion,

1051
00:27:33,460 --> 00:27:33,493


1052
00:27:33,493 --> 00:27:37,493
  quietly confident that I would suffer no mechanical glitches at all.

1053
00:27:38,893 --> 00:27:38,927


1054
00:27:38,927 --> 00:27:42,860
 Do you know  what this car feels like?  It feels exactly like a car.

1055
00:27:42,860 --> 00:27:42,893


1056
00:27:42,893 --> 00:27:46,893
 Exactly like the sort of car  that you'd go into a showroom and buy tomorrow.

1057
00:27:47,593 --> 00:27:47,627


1058
00:27:47,627 --> 00:27:49,127
 --HAMMOND:  My BMW,  --  on the other hand,

1059
00:27:49,127 --> 00:27:49,160


1060
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,593
--  had suffered badly  --  at Millbrook proving ground.

1061
00:27:52,593 --> 00:27:53,560


1062
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,193
 Maybe three cylinders of the six are working.

1063
00:27:57,193 --> 00:27:57,227


1064
00:27:57,227 --> 00:28:01,227
 HAMMOND:  The Exxon Valdez, that had turned into a sort of mobile confession booth.

1065
00:28:03,260 --> 00:28:03,293


1066
00:28:03,293 --> 00:28:04,700
 Well, viewers,  now we're alone.

1067
00:28:04,700 --> 00:28:04,733


1068
00:28:04,733 --> 00:28:06,400
 I can be a bit  more honest with you.

1069
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:06,433


1070
00:28:06,433 --> 00:28:10,267
 And I'd like to admit that I've bought a pup.

1071
00:28:10,267 --> 00:28:12,833


1072
00:28:12,833 --> 00:28:15,900
 CLARKSON:  A pup, which just a few miles from Millbrook,

1073
00:28:15,900 --> 00:28:15,933


1074
00:28:15,933 --> 00:28:18,400
 --  turned into  --  a complete mongrel.

1075
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:18,433


1076
00:28:18,433 --> 00:28:21,900
 My God!  That is fairly catastrophic.

1077
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:24,867


1078
00:28:24,867 --> 00:28:27,200
It's not a breakdown,  it's just a mild  bit of malfunction.

1079
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:27,233


1080
00:28:27,233 --> 00:28:30,433
 Well, it's stopped  and there's smoke  pouring out of it!

1081
00:28:30,433 --> 00:28:30,467


1082
00:28:30,467 --> 00:28:32,967
 -There you go. It's fine.  -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

1083
00:28:32,967 --> 00:28:33,000


1084
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,767
 (ENGINE SPUTTERING)

1085
00:28:34,767 --> 00:28:35,667


1086
00:28:35,667 --> 00:28:36,933
 HAMMOND: James tends to...

1087
00:28:36,933 --> 00:28:36,967


1088
00:28:36,967 --> 00:28:40,433
 -(ENGINE STARTS)  -Whoa! Quick! Run!  It's working!

1089
00:28:40,433 --> 00:28:44,467


1090
00:28:44,467 --> 00:28:46,600
 --AUTOMATED VOICE:  --  After 300 yards,

1091
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:46,633


1092
00:28:46,633 --> 00:28:49,567
 --  cross the roundabout  --  second exit.

1093
00:28:49,567 --> 00:28:50,067


1094
00:28:50,067 --> 00:28:51,367
 Gotcha.

1095
00:28:51,367 --> 00:28:51,400


1096
00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:53,300
  Take the second exit.

1097
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:53,333


1098
00:28:53,333 --> 00:28:55,133
 Got you, too.

1099
00:28:55,133 --> 00:28:55,167


1100
00:28:55,167 --> 00:28:59,400
 James refuses to classify  that as a breakdown.  I'm sorry, but it just was.

1101
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,500


1102
00:29:02,500 --> 00:29:06,107
CLARKSON:  Even so,    Richard and I, out of a sense    of playground loyalty

1103
00:29:06,107 --> 00:29:06,140


1104
00:29:06,140 --> 00:29:10,440
  and male camaraderie, were there for him when it happened again.

1105
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,573


1106
00:29:13,573 --> 00:29:15,407
 It just ruins your whole day,  that sort of thing.

1107
00:29:15,407 --> 00:29:15,440


1108
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:17,207
 HAMMOND: Oh, yeah.

1109
00:29:17,207 --> 00:29:20,873


1110
00:29:20,873 --> 00:29:22,073
 Curly Wurly?

1111
00:29:22,073 --> 00:29:22,107


1112
00:29:22,107 --> 00:29:23,273
 I'll have a Snickers actually.

1113
00:29:23,273 --> 00:29:23,307


1114
00:29:23,307 --> 00:29:25,707
 Okay, mate. On me.

1115
00:29:25,707 --> 00:29:25,740


1116
00:29:25,740 --> 00:29:27,440
 CLARKSON: Want to get  James something?

1117
00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:27,473


1118
00:29:27,473 --> 00:29:30,207
 -No, it'll get all wet. -(CHUCKLING)

1119
00:29:30,207 --> 00:29:33,240


1120
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:36,207
 --CLARKSON:  Back on the road,  --  it turned out Hammond's BMW

1121
00:29:36,207 --> 00:29:36,240


1122
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:37,707
 --  wasn't all that --  healthy either.

1123
00:29:37,707 --> 00:29:37,740


1124
00:29:37,740 --> 00:29:40,240
--  But it did give him  --  a new game to play.

1125
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:40,273


1126
00:29:40,273 --> 00:29:43,073
 Oh! Hold on a minute!  I've got it!

1127
00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:43,107


1128
00:29:43,107 --> 00:29:47,240
 There's a problem  with my brake lights.  I have Connect 3!

1129
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:48,340


1130
00:29:48,340 --> 00:29:50,307
 (ENGINE RATTLING)

1131
00:29:50,307 --> 00:29:50,340


1132
00:29:50,340 --> 00:29:52,473
 That doesn't sound good.

1133
00:29:52,473 --> 00:29:52,507


1134
00:29:52,507 --> 00:29:56,640
 MAY:  Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the breakdown honours from me!

1135
00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:56,673


1136
00:29:56,673 --> 00:29:58,173
 MAY: Help!

1137
00:29:58,173 --> 00:29:58,207


1138
00:29:58,207 --> 00:30:01,007
 MAY:  With the others    far in front,    and out of sight,

1139
00:30:01,007 --> 00:30:01,040


1140
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:02,840
  my wipers packed up.

1141
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:05,180


1142
00:30:05,180 --> 00:30:07,180
 It's almost had it,  this thing.

1143
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:07,213


1144
00:30:07,213 --> 00:30:10,080
 Well, I hate to say it,  but I can only assume  he's broken down.

1145
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:10,113


1146
00:30:10,113 --> 00:30:11,580
Shall we go back  and look for him?

1147
00:30:11,580 --> 00:30:11,613


1148
00:30:11,613 --> 00:30:14,513
 Or we could go to the QI Club  and have a drink.

1149
00:30:14,513 --> 00:30:14,547


1150
00:30:14,547 --> 00:30:16,913
 Let me put it to you this way.

1151
00:30:16,913 --> 00:30:18,213


1152
00:30:18,213 --> 00:30:20,513
 (LAUGHING)

1153
00:30:20,513 --> 00:30:24,513


1154
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:27,813
 --CLARKSON:  Pretty soon,  --  Hammond and I were in Oxford

1155
00:30:27,813 --> 00:30:27,847


1156
00:30:27,847 --> 00:30:30,780
  with me using    a sense of direction    to find the centre

1157
00:30:30,780 --> 00:30:30,813


1158
00:30:30,813 --> 00:30:34,147
 --  and him using  --  his sat-nav systems.

1159
00:30:34,147 --> 00:30:38,147


1160
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:42,280
 So we've got speed camera,  bus lane,

1161
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:43,080


1162
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:44,380
 cycle lane,

1163
00:30:44,380 --> 00:30:45,847


1164
00:30:45,847 --> 00:30:47,647
 health food shop.

1165
00:30:47,647 --> 00:30:47,680


1166
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:48,913
 Welcome to Oxford.

1167
00:30:48,913 --> 00:30:49,880


1168
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:50,880
 Ah!

1169
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:52,080


1170
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,680
 They're working! This car mends itself.

1171
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:56,580


1172
00:30:56,580 --> 00:30:59,580
AUTOMATED VOICE:  Go left on the roundabout. The first exit.

1173
00:30:59,580 --> 00:31:00,713


1174
00:31:00,713 --> 00:31:01,713
 First exit.

1175
00:31:01,713 --> 00:31:02,547


1176
00:31:02,547 --> 00:31:03,913
 I can do that.

1177
00:31:03,913 --> 00:31:03,947


1178
00:31:03,947 --> 00:31:05,453
 --CLARKSON:  Hammond  --  was about to find out

1179
00:31:05,453 --> 00:31:05,487


1180
00:31:05,487 --> 00:31:08,253
 --  just how car-unfriendly  --  Oxford is.

1181
00:31:08,253 --> 00:31:09,087


1182
00:31:09,087 --> 00:31:10,553
 Well...

1183
00:31:10,553 --> 00:31:11,520


1184
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:14,187
 That's clearly not it,  is it?

1185
00:31:14,187 --> 00:31:14,220


1186
00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:16,420
 --AUTOMATED VOICE:  --  After 200 yards,

1187
00:31:16,420 --> 00:31:16,453


1188
00:31:16,453 --> 00:31:18,487
 --  you have reached  --  your destination.

1189
00:31:18,487 --> 00:31:18,520


1190
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:19,787
 HAMMOND: Reached my destination.

1191
00:31:19,787 --> 00:31:20,987


1192
00:31:20,987 --> 00:31:22,587
 Hang on a second.

1193
00:31:22,587 --> 00:31:23,187


1194
00:31:23,187 --> 00:31:24,453
 Clearly...

1195
00:31:24,453 --> 00:31:25,653


1196
00:31:25,653 --> 00:31:27,220
 I mean...

1197
00:31:27,220 --> 00:31:27,253


1198
00:31:27,253 --> 00:31:30,087
 --CLARKSON:  Meanwhile,  --  somewhere not in Oxford...

1199
00:31:30,087 --> 00:31:30,120


1200
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,887
Tonight's new problem,  I think,  is the brake master cylinder.

1201
00:31:33,887 --> 00:31:35,520


1202
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:39,020
 --CLARKSON:  Very funny, --  but I was having trouble, too.

1203
00:31:39,020 --> 00:31:39,053


1204
00:31:39,053 --> 00:31:43,853
 I've lived  15 miles from Oxford

1205
00:31:43,853 --> 00:31:43,887


1206
00:31:43,887 --> 00:31:46,320
 for nearly 10 years now  and I've never been here.

1207
00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:46,353


1208
00:31:46,353 --> 00:31:48,553
 I've seen it on  Inspector...  Oh!

1209
00:31:48,553 --> 00:31:48,587


1210
00:31:48,587 --> 00:31:50,253
 I've... Yes.

1211
00:31:50,253 --> 00:31:50,287


1212
00:31:50,287 --> 00:31:52,820
 Morse never had this problem.

1213
00:31:52,820 --> 00:31:52,853


1214
00:31:52,853 --> 00:31:55,153
 AUTOMATED VOICE:  Turn right.

1215
00:31:55,153 --> 00:31:56,153


1216
00:31:56,153 --> 00:31:58,287
 I can't do that!

1217
00:31:58,287 --> 00:31:58,320


1218
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:00,820
 --CLARKSON:  Eventually,  --  blind luck beat the sat-nav,

1219
00:32:00,820 --> 00:32:00,853


1220
00:32:00,853 --> 00:32:04,960
  and the totally    reliable Starion    arrived at the destination.

1221
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:04,993


1222
00:32:04,993 --> 00:32:07,193
Did you see...  Did you see that?

1223
00:32:07,193 --> 00:32:07,227


1224
00:32:07,227 --> 00:32:10,327
 I was damn nearly knocked down  by a cyclist.

1225
00:32:10,327 --> 00:32:10,860


1226
00:32:10,860 --> 00:32:12,660
 (SIGHS)

1227
00:32:12,660 --> 00:32:14,920


1228
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:18,920
  I was 47 minutes in front of    Hammond's increasingly    sick-sounding BMW.

1229
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:20,954


1230
00:32:20,954 --> 00:32:24,620
  Inside we made    pleasant small-talk    about driving through Oxford.

1231
00:32:24,620 --> 00:32:24,654


1232
00:32:24,654 --> 00:32:28,820
 --  But it was hard to ignore  --  the empty chair at our table.

1233
00:32:28,820 --> 00:32:28,854


1234
00:32:28,854 --> 00:32:31,120
 (ENGINE SPUTTERING)

1235
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:31,154


1236
00:32:31,154 --> 00:32:32,520
 Come on!

1237
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:35,187


1238
00:32:35,187 --> 00:32:38,120
 (ENGINE SPUTTERING)

1239
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:38,154


1240
00:32:38,154 --> 00:32:39,520
 Come on!

1241
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:41,920


1242
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:43,787
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1243
00:32:43,787 --> 00:32:44,987


1244
00:32:44,987 --> 00:32:46,254
 I'd have to say...

1245
00:32:46,254 --> 00:32:47,387


1246
00:32:47,387 --> 00:32:48,720
 (LAUGHS)

1247
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:48,754


1248
00:32:48,754 --> 00:32:50,487
 I have to say,

1249
00:32:50,487 --> 00:32:50,520


1250
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:52,020
 it's a good job.

1251
00:32:52,020 --> 00:32:52,054


1252
00:32:52,054 --> 00:32:54,787
It is a good job  that he never actually  made it to Oxford,

1253
00:32:54,787 --> 00:32:54,820


1254
00:32:54,820 --> 00:32:56,920
 because with  his sense of direction  in that place...

1255
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:56,954


1256
00:32:56,954 --> 00:32:59,254
 -That would've been the end.  -Seriously.  No, we're not joking.

1257
00:32:59,254 --> 00:32:59,287


1258
00:32:59,287 --> 00:33:00,954
 He doesn't have  a sense of direction.

1259
00:33:00,954 --> 00:33:00,987


1260
00:33:00,987 --> 00:33:02,154
 Honestly, this is not a joke.

1261
00:33:02,154 --> 00:33:02,187


1262
00:33:02,187 --> 00:33:04,920
 -He still doesn't know where this studio is. -HAMMOND: Yep.

1263
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:04,954


1264
00:33:04,954 --> 00:33:06,054
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1265
00:33:06,054 --> 00:33:06,087


1266
00:33:06,087 --> 00:33:08,060
 Every week he has to ring one of us  to go get him.

1267
00:33:08,060 --> 00:33:08,094


1268
00:33:08,094 --> 00:33:10,327
 "Could I follow you down?  I don't really know  where I'm going."

1269
00:33:10,327 --> 00:33:10,360


1270
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:13,294
It's true. It's that bad.  Anyway important business now.

1271
00:33:13,294 --> 00:33:13,327


1272
00:33:13,327 --> 00:33:15,394
 The scoring.  This is where we are, okay?

1273
00:33:15,394 --> 00:33:15,427


1274
00:33:15,427 --> 00:33:17,560
 The first of our test was the high-speed run.

1275
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:17,594


1276
00:33:17,594 --> 00:33:19,960
 Amazingly, James's Jag fair and square won that one.

1277
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:19,994


1278
00:33:19,994 --> 00:33:23,660
 It won the second which was the ride with the wet laps.  If you remember that.

1279
00:33:23,660 --> 00:33:23,694


1280
00:33:23,694 --> 00:33:25,794
 Then the Alpine course.

1281
00:33:25,794 --> 00:33:25,827


1282
00:33:25,827 --> 00:33:29,227
 At that point, things took  a bit of a turn for the worse  for the Jag.

1283
00:33:29,227 --> 00:33:29,260


1284
00:33:29,260 --> 00:33:30,894
 It very much lost that.

1285
00:33:30,894 --> 00:33:30,927


1286
00:33:30,927 --> 00:33:32,960
 Then we come to fuel economy.

1287
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:32,994


1288
00:33:32,994 --> 00:33:36,094
This was on the run  from Millbrook, where we were,  to Oxford.

1289
00:33:36,094 --> 00:33:36,127


1290
00:33:36,127 --> 00:33:38,594
 -Yeah.  -The target was 20mpg, okay.

1291
00:33:38,594 --> 00:33:38,627


1292
00:33:38,627 --> 00:33:41,160
 Points for over. Points deducted for under that.

1293
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:41,194


1294
00:33:41,194 --> 00:33:44,494
 My BMW did it in...  I did 21mpg.

1295
00:33:44,494 --> 00:33:44,527


1296
00:33:44,527 --> 00:33:47,494
 So, I believe I gain a point.  So that's plus one for me.

1297
00:33:47,494 --> 00:33:47,527


1298
00:33:47,527 --> 00:33:50,794
 -Jeremy, you did 17.  -The light, efficient...

1299
00:33:50,794 --> 00:33:50,827


1300
00:33:50,827 --> 00:33:52,594
 You see... Who believes that?

1301
00:33:52,594 --> 00:33:52,627


1302
00:33:52,627 --> 00:33:54,960
 -AUDIENCE: Yeah!  -That's what it did.

1303
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:54,994


1304
00:33:54,994 --> 00:33:58,960
 Seventeen, so you lose three,  so that's minus three for JC.

1305
00:33:58,960 --> 00:33:58,994


1306
00:33:58,994 --> 00:34:00,727
 Yeah, but then we get to James's Jag.

1307
00:34:00,727 --> 00:34:00,760


1308
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:02,160
-James, what did your Jag do?  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1309
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:02,194


1310
00:34:02,194 --> 00:34:03,327
 Eight.

1311
00:34:03,327 --> 00:34:03,360


1312
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:04,527
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1313
00:34:04,527 --> 00:34:04,560


1314
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:05,700
 -Ahem. Eight.  -Pardon?

1315
00:34:05,700 --> 00:34:05,734


1316
00:34:05,734 --> 00:34:06,834
 -What? -Eight.

1317
00:34:06,834 --> 00:34:06,867


1318
00:34:06,867 --> 00:34:07,934
 -Eight. -Eight.

1319
00:34:07,934 --> 00:34:07,967


1320
00:34:07,967 --> 00:34:09,134
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1321
00:34:09,134 --> 00:34:09,167


1322
00:34:09,167 --> 00:34:11,300
 CLARKSON:  Eight miles to the gallon.

1323
00:34:11,300 --> 00:34:12,434


1324
00:34:12,434 --> 00:34:13,400
 Eight.

1325
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:13,434


1326
00:34:13,434 --> 00:34:17,500
 Oh, was that, um...  Was that oil?

1327
00:34:17,500 --> 00:34:17,534


1328
00:34:17,534 --> 00:34:19,067
 Oh,  I thought you meant the oil!

1329
00:34:19,067 --> 00:34:19,100


1330
00:34:19,100 --> 00:34:20,800
 Is that the same on yours  as well?

1331
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:20,834


1332
00:34:20,834 --> 00:34:22,834
 So that's minus 12 for you.

1333
00:34:22,834 --> 00:34:22,867


1334
00:34:22,867 --> 00:34:24,667
 Then we come to reliability.

1335
00:34:24,667 --> 00:34:24,700


1336
00:34:24,700 --> 00:34:27,267
 This was again  points knocked off  every time you break down.

1337
00:34:27,267 --> 00:34:27,300


1338
00:34:27,300 --> 00:34:29,534
 Now, Jeremy,  amazingly nothing went wrong.

1339
00:34:29,534 --> 00:34:29,567


1340
00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:31,134
-So that's a... That's nothing. -Oh, thank you.

1341
00:34:31,134 --> 00:34:31,167


1342
00:34:31,167 --> 00:34:32,234
 (AUDIENCE BOOS)

1343
00:34:32,234 --> 00:34:32,267


1344
00:34:32,267 --> 00:34:33,967
 Not a...  What do you mean, "boo"?

1345
00:34:33,967 --> 00:34:34,000


1346
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,067
 I like the booing.  I like that.

1347
00:34:35,067 --> 00:34:35,100


1348
00:34:35,100 --> 00:34:36,734
 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -That's good.

1349
00:34:36,734 --> 00:34:36,767


1350
00:34:36,767 --> 00:34:40,167
 Now, I did have one,  I have to confess,  brake-light failure, so...

1351
00:34:40,167 --> 00:34:40,200


1352
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:42,534
 -AUDIENCE: Aw!  -I like that! Yeah!

1353
00:34:42,534 --> 00:34:42,567


1354
00:34:42,567 --> 00:34:45,200
 So that's a minus, minus one,

1355
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:45,234


1356
00:34:45,234 --> 00:34:47,167
 and then obviously, James had five.

1357
00:34:47,167 --> 00:34:47,200


1358
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:48,434
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1359
00:34:48,434 --> 00:34:48,467


1360
00:34:48,467 --> 00:34:50,867
 -Minus five.  -Minus five?

1361
00:34:50,867 --> 00:34:50,900


1362
00:34:50,900 --> 00:34:53,367
 -Five faults.  -He never even made it  to Oxford!

1363
00:34:53,367 --> 00:34:53,400


1364
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:56,834
I mean, I get like naught  for reliability.

1365
00:34:56,834 --> 00:34:56,867


1366
00:34:56,867 --> 00:34:59,067
 I buy a car with  no mechanical faults at all

1367
00:34:59,067 --> 00:34:59,100


1368
00:34:59,100 --> 00:35:00,600
 -and score naught!  -You don't lose any.

1369
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:00,634


1370
00:35:00,634 --> 00:35:02,434
 I lost one, James...  That's the rules.

1371
00:35:02,434 --> 00:35:02,467


1372
00:35:02,467 --> 00:35:04,934
 -It's the same for... -It's minus 35

1373
00:35:04,934 --> 00:35:04,967


1374
00:35:04,967 --> 00:35:08,607
 for buying a car with  a manual gearbox.  How fair is that?

1375
00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:08,640


1376
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,074
 I lose 35 points  for my wet crotch.

1377
00:35:12,074 --> 00:35:12,107


1378
00:35:12,107 --> 00:35:14,174
 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -How can that be fair?

1379
00:35:14,174 --> 00:35:14,207


1380
00:35:14,207 --> 00:35:15,640
 -How can that be fair?  -Because that's the rules!

1381
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:15,674


1382
00:35:15,674 --> 00:35:17,674
 -That's how it works.  -I'm sorry, is that fair?

1383
00:35:17,674 --> 00:35:17,707


1384
00:35:17,707 --> 00:35:19,007
 AUDIENCE: Yes!

1385
00:35:19,007 --> 00:35:19,040


1386
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:21,607
Well, I lose...  I end up with a wet crotch

1387
00:35:21,607 --> 00:35:21,640


1388
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,474
 -and 35 points off!  -It's...

1389
00:35:23,474 --> 00:35:23,507


1390
00:35:23,507 --> 00:35:25,107
 It's the same rules.  This is pathetic.

1391
00:35:25,107 --> 00:35:25,140


1392
00:35:25,140 --> 00:35:28,440
 It's like Manchester United,  FA Cup,  playing Arsenal last week.

1393
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:28,474


1394
00:35:28,474 --> 00:35:30,107
 They were better than Arsenal  for 90 minutes.

1395
00:35:30,107 --> 00:35:30,140


1396
00:35:30,140 --> 00:35:32,407
 Then there was one penalty. That's the rule!

1397
00:35:32,407 --> 00:35:32,440


1398
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,107
 -He's right. Can I just say...  -What?

1399
00:35:34,107 --> 00:35:34,140


1400
00:35:34,140 --> 00:35:35,874
 What is actually  more embarrassing?

1401
00:35:35,874 --> 00:35:35,907


1402
00:35:35,907 --> 00:35:39,607
 Breaking down or arriving  at a club in Oxford  as if you've wet your tracks?

1403
00:35:39,607 --> 00:35:39,640


1404
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:41,107
 -HAMMOND: Exactly  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1405
00:35:41,107 --> 00:35:41,140


1406
00:35:41,140 --> 00:35:42,674
So minus 35.

1407
00:35:42,674 --> 00:35:42,707


1408
00:35:42,707 --> 00:35:44,407
 -Fine.  -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1409
00:35:44,407 --> 00:35:44,440


1410
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:46,107
 -It's the rules.  -I'm sorry.

1411
00:35:46,107 --> 00:35:46,140


1412
00:35:46,140 --> 00:35:47,974
 CLARKSON: That's rubbish!

1413
00:35:47,974 --> 00:35:48,007


1414
00:35:48,007 --> 00:35:49,507
 That's old rubbish!

1415
00:35:49,507 --> 00:35:49,540


1416
00:35:49,540 --> 00:35:52,507
 My car's the best there.  You know it and  that's the end of it.

1417
00:35:52,507 --> 00:35:52,540


1418
00:35:52,540 --> 00:35:53,674
 It's the same rules  for everyone.

1419
00:35:53,674 --> 00:35:53,707


1420
00:35:53,707 --> 00:35:55,674
 You've got a chance  to redeem yourself.

1421
00:35:55,674 --> 00:35:55,707


1422
00:35:55,707 --> 00:35:58,407
 Because there is  another challenge coming up,  and if you are eight,

1423
00:35:58,407 --> 00:35:58,440


1424
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:02,007
 then you have our permission  to stay up and watch that.

1425
00:36:02,007 --> 00:36:02,040


1426
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:03,740
 I don't want to talk  to you two any more.

1427
00:36:03,740 --> 00:36:03,774


1428
00:36:03,774 --> 00:36:05,340
-You haven't got  much choice, really.  -No, I have got a choice.

1429
00:36:05,340 --> 00:36:05,374


1430
00:36:05,374 --> 00:36:09,380
 Because it's time to put a star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

1431
00:36:09,380 --> 00:36:09,414


1432
00:36:09,414 --> 00:36:12,647
 He claims he's been  in a bad mood  since he was 14 years old.

1433
00:36:12,647 --> 00:36:12,680


1434
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:16,347
 And today, we put him  in a Suzuki Liana,  which probably didn't help.

1435
00:36:16,347 --> 00:36:16,380


1436
00:36:16,380 --> 00:36:18,814
 (INHALES SHARPLY)  Ladies and gentlemen,  Jack Dee!

1437
00:36:18,814 --> 00:36:18,847


1438
00:36:18,847 --> 00:36:20,780
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1439
00:36:20,780 --> 00:36:23,747


1440
00:36:23,747 --> 00:36:25,247
 How are you?

1441
00:36:25,247 --> 00:36:26,314


1442
00:36:26,314 --> 00:36:29,380
 -Have yourself a seat.  -Thank you very much.

1443
00:36:29,380 --> 00:36:32,714


1444
00:36:32,714 --> 00:36:33,714
 Ah!

1445
00:36:33,714 --> 00:36:34,914


1446
00:36:34,914 --> 00:36:36,480
 Slovenly as ever!

1447
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:36,514


1448
00:36:36,514 --> 00:36:39,214
I try to make  an effort for you,  even if the audience don't.

1449
00:36:39,214 --> 00:36:39,247


1450
00:36:39,247 --> 00:36:42,747
 Well, Dee,  we have Motorhead casual here.

1451
00:36:42,747 --> 00:36:42,780


1452
00:36:42,780 --> 00:36:44,280
 Yeah, I noticed.

1453
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:44,314


1454
00:36:44,314 --> 00:36:47,414
 It's really the essence of it,  it's quite poor.  I mean, sheesh!

1455
00:36:47,414 --> 00:36:47,447


1456
00:36:47,447 --> 00:36:50,380
 Um, now,  you're on tour very soon.

1457
00:36:50,380 --> 00:36:50,414


1458
00:36:50,414 --> 00:36:53,514
 I'm in London.  I'm coming to the  Hammersmith Carling Apollo,

1459
00:36:53,514 --> 00:36:53,547


1460
00:36:53,547 --> 00:36:57,280
 8th to11th of June.  And big venue. Very nice.

1461
00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:57,314


1462
00:36:57,314 --> 00:36:59,614
 -All new material.  -Yeah, it is. Yeah.

1463
00:36:59,614 --> 00:36:59,647


1464
00:36:59,647 --> 00:37:02,847
 Now, let's just get on  with this car-based stuff.

1465
00:37:02,847 --> 00:37:02,880


1466
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,514
 Starting with buses,

1467
00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:04,547


1468
00:37:04,547 --> 00:37:07,320
'cause reading through  your notes, it seems  you're not really a big fan.

1469
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:07,353


1470
00:37:07,353 --> 00:37:09,220
 I don't like buses. I...

1471
00:37:09,220 --> 00:37:09,253


1472
00:37:09,253 --> 00:37:12,987
 Well, you know, I think  that the bottom-line of it  is the bus shelter, for me.

1473
00:37:12,987 --> 00:37:13,020


1474
00:37:13,020 --> 00:37:16,053
 Because you're  waiting for a bus,  first of all,

1475
00:37:16,053 --> 00:37:16,087


1476
00:37:16,087 --> 00:37:20,620
 in something that's been  named after a charity  for homeless people.

1477
00:37:20,620 --> 00:37:20,653


1478
00:37:20,653 --> 00:37:22,087
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1479
00:37:22,087 --> 00:37:22,120


1480
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:26,420
 And also, the other true fact about buses is,

1481
00:37:26,420 --> 00:37:26,454


1482
00:37:26,454 --> 00:37:28,820
 when you see a nutter in the street,

1483
00:37:28,820 --> 00:37:28,854


1484
00:37:28,854 --> 00:37:31,320
 you ask yourself, "How did he get there?"

1485
00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:31,354


1486
00:37:31,354 --> 00:37:32,820
 The chances are  he came on a bus.

1487
00:37:32,820 --> 00:37:32,854


1488
00:37:32,854 --> 00:37:34,487
-Because...  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1489
00:37:34,487 --> 00:37:34,520


1490
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,820
 Because when you go on a bus,  they're always  full of nutters.

1491
00:37:37,820 --> 00:37:37,854


1492
00:37:37,854 --> 00:37:39,787
 And I think it's the sane reaction to think,

1493
00:37:39,787 --> 00:37:39,820


1494
00:37:39,820 --> 00:37:42,720
 "Actually, no,  I don't want to be sat  next to people like this.

1495
00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:42,754


1496
00:37:42,754 --> 00:37:45,720
 "I don't like  getting off the bus  with vomit down my sleeve

1497
00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:45,754


1498
00:37:45,754 --> 00:37:47,587
 -"because someone  has been sick on me.  -(LAUGHS)

1499
00:37:47,587 --> 00:37:47,620


1500
00:37:47,620 --> 00:37:50,120
 "I actually think  it's time to get a car."

1501
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:50,154


1502
00:37:50,154 --> 00:37:51,554
 What about bus lanes?

1503
00:37:51,554 --> 00:37:51,587


1504
00:37:51,587 --> 00:37:54,487
 You see, bus lanes,  again they make me very cross.

1505
00:37:54,487 --> 00:37:54,520


1506
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,154
And I've... I mean, I've been stopped in a bus lane.

1507
00:37:56,154 --> 00:37:56,187


1508
00:37:56,187 --> 00:37:59,020
 I was going in a bus lane  in a Fiat 127.

1509
00:37:59,020 --> 00:37:59,054


1510
00:37:59,054 --> 00:38:00,587
 -And...  -Surprised they saw you.

1511
00:38:00,587 --> 00:38:00,620


1512
00:38:00,620 --> 00:38:04,620
 Yeah, and a policeman just came... Stopped me. In fact, what he did...

1513
00:38:05,354 --> 00:38:05,387


1514
00:38:05,387 --> 00:38:07,094
 (CHUCKLES) He came to the window.

1515
00:38:07,094 --> 00:38:07,127


1516
00:38:07,127 --> 00:38:08,894
 He said...  Do you know what he said?

1517
00:38:08,894 --> 00:38:08,927


1518
00:38:08,927 --> 00:38:11,494
 He actually said, "Are you a bus?" to me.

1519
00:38:11,494 --> 00:38:11,527


1520
00:38:11,527 --> 00:38:13,527
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1521
00:38:13,527 --> 00:38:13,560


1522
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:17,060
 Then I thought,  "Well, I might be able to  talk my way out of this one",

1523
00:38:17,060 --> 00:38:17,094


1524
00:38:17,094 --> 00:38:20,760
 because... So I said, "You're new to traffic, aren't you?"

1525
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:20,794


1526
00:38:20,794 --> 00:38:22,660
-(ALL LAUGHING) -And...

1527
00:38:22,660 --> 00:38:24,427


1528
00:38:24,427 --> 00:38:25,994
 But don't joke  with a policeman

1529
00:38:25,994 --> 00:38:26,027


1530
00:38:26,027 --> 00:38:27,594
 because once you've joked  with them, they say,

1531
00:38:27,594 --> 00:38:27,627


1532
00:38:27,627 --> 00:38:29,727
 "Oh, I see, you're funny,  are you?  Get out of the car and..."

1533
00:38:29,727 --> 00:38:29,760


1534
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,560
 And then he's booking me  and it all got very grown up.  And he was doing a ticket.

1535
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:33,594


1536
00:38:33,594 --> 00:38:37,827
 And then as I was doing that,  another Fiat 127  pulled up behind mine.

1537
00:38:37,827 --> 00:38:37,860


1538
00:38:37,860 --> 00:38:41,260
 So I said, "Look at that,  you wait all day and  two of them turn up at once!"

1539
00:38:41,260 --> 00:38:41,294


1540
00:38:41,294 --> 00:38:42,527
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1541
00:38:42,527 --> 00:38:42,560


1542
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:43,660
 And, uh...

1543
00:38:43,660 --> 00:38:46,727


1544
00:38:46,727 --> 00:38:48,994
 CLARKSON: Oh, very good!

1545
00:38:48,994 --> 00:38:49,027


1546
00:38:49,027 --> 00:38:51,327
Where are you  on the 4X4 debate?

1547
00:38:51,327 --> 00:38:51,360


1548
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:54,994
 Well, I'm one of these, you know, people who have a 4X4.

1549
00:38:54,994 --> 00:38:55,027


1550
00:38:55,027 --> 00:38:56,560
 I drive one.

1551
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:56,594


1552
00:38:56,594 --> 00:38:58,827
 I drive a Land Cruiser  which is about  the biggest one.

1553
00:38:58,827 --> 00:38:58,860


1554
00:38:58,860 --> 00:38:59,894
 Ooh! Big one. Yeah.

1555
00:38:59,894 --> 00:38:59,927


1556
00:38:59,927 --> 00:39:02,094
 Regularly now,  I'm on school runs

1557
00:39:02,094 --> 00:39:02,127


1558
00:39:02,127 --> 00:39:04,127
 with seven or eight kids  in the car.

1559
00:39:04,127 --> 00:39:04,160


1560
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:06,100
 They've all got seatbelts.  they're all front-facing.

1561
00:39:06,100 --> 00:39:06,134


1562
00:39:06,134 --> 00:39:07,934
 I don't know any other car  I could do that in.

1563
00:39:07,934 --> 00:39:07,967


1564
00:39:07,967 --> 00:39:09,900
 Otherwise I'd go in two cars,  you know.

1565
00:39:09,900 --> 00:39:09,934


1566
00:39:09,934 --> 00:39:11,434
 It's true. Two cars.

1567
00:39:11,434 --> 00:39:11,467


1568
00:39:11,467 --> 00:39:13,067
-Or even three cars  if you've got eight children.  -Yeah.

1569
00:39:13,067 --> 00:39:13,100


1570
00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:14,600
 -You need three cars.  -Three cars.

1571
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:14,634


1572
00:39:14,634 --> 00:39:16,634
 That means one of the children  will have to drive  the third one.

1573
00:39:16,634 --> 00:39:16,667


1574
00:39:16,667 --> 00:39:18,200
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1575
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:18,234


1576
00:39:18,234 --> 00:39:19,734
 That's just crazy, Jeremy.

1577
00:39:19,734 --> 00:39:19,767


1578
00:39:19,767 --> 00:39:21,067
 That's just never gonna wash.

1579
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:21,100


1580
00:39:21,100 --> 00:39:22,667
 And the people  you get hassled from

1581
00:39:22,667 --> 00:39:22,700


1582
00:39:22,700 --> 00:39:24,734
 are from these builders  in their transit vans going,

1583
00:39:24,734 --> 00:39:24,767


1584
00:39:24,767 --> 00:39:28,034
 "You shouldn't be  in a car like that,  you should be in a Mini".

1585
00:39:28,034 --> 00:39:28,067


1586
00:39:28,067 --> 00:39:30,367
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1587
00:39:30,367 --> 00:39:30,400


1588
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,067
 And you say "Look, what you got in there?"

1589
00:39:32,067 --> 00:39:32,100


1590
00:39:32,100 --> 00:39:35,300
They got a packet of biscuits  and a hammer  in the back of their transit.

1591
00:39:35,300 --> 00:39:35,334


1592
00:39:35,334 --> 00:39:36,600
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1593
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:36,634


1594
00:39:36,634 --> 00:39:38,700
 Going around  looking for the nearest cafe,  you know.

1595
00:39:38,700 --> 00:39:38,734


1596
00:39:38,734 --> 00:39:41,800
 Also, I just can't understand  how we've got  to a point in society

1597
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:41,834


1598
00:39:41,834 --> 00:39:44,134
 where obviously  everything is so good that  people are worried about

1599
00:39:44,134 --> 00:39:44,167


1600
00:39:44,167 --> 00:39:46,167
 -how many wheels on your car  are being driven.  -Aw!

1601
00:39:46,167 --> 00:39:46,200


1602
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:50,734
 You know what?  If you actually have  got to a point where

1603
00:39:50,734 --> 00:39:50,767


1604
00:39:50,767 --> 00:39:52,567
 you have so little  going on in your life

1605
00:39:52,567 --> 00:39:52,600


1606
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:56,000
that you can start a campaign  to stop people driving  certain kinds of car,

1607
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:56,034


1608
00:39:56,034 --> 00:39:59,934
 you've got to have a  closer look at your own life,  not other people's cars.

1609
00:39:59,934 --> 00:39:59,967


1610
00:39:59,967 --> 00:40:02,967
 -Do an evening course...  -Couldn't agree more.

1611
00:40:02,967 --> 00:40:05,734


1612
00:40:05,734 --> 00:40:09,774
 But, of course, you do have  some social responsibility  because you drive a Vespa.

1613
00:40:09,774 --> 00:40:09,807


1614
00:40:09,807 --> 00:40:11,740
 -Am I right?  -Yeah, I have got a Vespa.

1615
00:40:11,740 --> 00:40:11,774


1616
00:40:11,774 --> 00:40:13,140
 But at the moment,  it's garaged.

1617
00:40:13,140 --> 00:40:13,174


1618
00:40:13,174 --> 00:40:16,474
 Um, and I got a penalty  for keeping it in the garage.

1619
00:40:16,474 --> 00:40:16,507


1620
00:40:16,507 --> 00:40:19,640
I didn't know  you had to keep it licensed  even if you weren't using it.

1621
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:19,674


1622
00:40:19,674 --> 00:40:20,974
 Or you have to tell them. I...

1623
00:40:20,974 --> 00:40:21,007


1624
00:40:21,007 --> 00:40:22,974
 So if you make it  a garden ornament,  it's still...

1625
00:40:22,974 --> 00:40:23,007


1626
00:40:23,007 --> 00:40:26,674
 Even if you do that.  Yeah, I've got these (BLEEPS)

1627
00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:26,707


1628
00:40:26,707 --> 00:40:29,707
 that run the whole thing... Wherever. Norwich or somewhere like that.

1629
00:40:29,707 --> 00:40:29,740


1630
00:40:29,740 --> 00:40:30,840
 -Where are they based?  -Swansea.

1631
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:30,874


1632
00:40:30,874 --> 00:40:32,540
 -Swansea. -(ALL LAUGHING)

1633
00:40:32,540 --> 00:40:33,574


1634
00:40:33,574 --> 00:40:35,440
 Well, there you are, you see.

1635
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:35,474


1636
00:40:35,474 --> 00:40:38,574
 You have to work in Swansea  so you take it out  on the rest of the nation

1637
00:40:38,574 --> 00:40:38,607


1638
00:40:38,607 --> 00:40:40,240
by sending out  penalties to people

1639
00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:40,274


1640
00:40:40,274 --> 00:40:41,540
 for keeping their car in the garage.

1641
00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:41,574


1642
00:40:41,574 --> 00:40:44,674
 You shouldn't really  be driving a car because...

1643
00:40:44,674 --> 00:40:44,707


1644
00:40:44,707 --> 00:40:46,774
 Well, you took  your driving test four times.

1645
00:40:46,774 --> 00:40:46,807


1646
00:40:46,807 --> 00:40:48,740
 Yeah, but I passed in the end.

1647
00:40:48,740 --> 00:40:48,774


1648
00:40:48,774 --> 00:40:52,774
 No, I always maintain  if you can't pass  after three goes,

1649
00:40:53,674 --> 00:40:53,707


1650
00:40:53,707 --> 00:40:54,874
 you're not cut out for it.

1651
00:40:54,874 --> 00:40:54,907


1652
00:40:54,907 --> 00:40:56,374
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1653
00:40:56,374 --> 00:40:56,407


1654
00:40:56,407 --> 00:40:58,474
 I mean, if I went to  Manchester United  and said,

1655
00:40:58,474 --> 00:40:58,507


1656
00:40:58,507 --> 00:41:00,407
 "I'd like to try out  if that's okay",

1657
00:41:00,407 --> 00:41:00,440


1658
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:02,474
 and then was as useless  as I am at football,

1659
00:41:02,474 --> 00:41:02,507


1660
00:41:02,507 --> 00:41:06,280
there would be no point  going back and back and back.  "I'm dumb. Here again."

1661
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:06,314


1662
00:41:06,314 --> 00:41:08,214
 "No, look, you're rubbish,  don't come back."

1663
00:41:08,214 --> 00:41:08,247


1664
00:41:08,247 --> 00:41:11,547
 No, no, it took me a while  to get my eye in.

1665
00:41:11,547 --> 00:41:11,580


1666
00:41:11,580 --> 00:41:13,180
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1667
00:41:13,180 --> 00:41:13,214


1668
00:41:13,214 --> 00:41:15,380
 Probably,  I shouldn't be driving,  but occasionally I have to,

1669
00:41:15,380 --> 00:41:15,414


1670
00:41:15,414 --> 00:41:19,314
 so I try and warn  as many people as I can  when I'm going to be driving.

1671
00:41:19,314 --> 00:41:19,347


1672
00:41:19,347 --> 00:41:21,647
 They say,  "Thanks a lot,  we'll be staying in".

1673
00:41:21,647 --> 00:41:21,680


1674
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,280
 And whereabouts,  and the geography...

1675
00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:23,314


1676
00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:25,247
 Well, it sets you up  perfectly, of course.

1677
00:41:25,247 --> 00:41:25,280


1678
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,080
I've found a great way  of avoiding traffic though.

1679
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:27,114


1680
00:41:27,114 --> 00:41:31,480
 You know when they have  traffic warnings on the radio  when people ring up.

1681
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:31,514


1682
00:41:31,514 --> 00:41:34,180
 But I've discovered actually,  before you set out  on a journey,

1683
00:41:34,180 --> 00:41:34,214


1684
00:41:34,214 --> 00:41:37,780
 ring the radio station and say  there's a terrible congestion  on the M25.

1685
00:41:37,780 --> 00:41:37,814


1686
00:41:37,814 --> 00:41:39,747
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1687
00:41:39,747 --> 00:41:39,780


1688
00:41:39,780 --> 00:41:43,247
 And everyone avoids it.  It's great, you just  go straight through.

1689
00:41:43,247 --> 00:41:43,280


1690
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:45,347
 My other thing is,  when there is a traffic jam,

1691
00:41:45,347 --> 00:41:45,380


1692
00:41:45,380 --> 00:41:47,514
 and usually it's been  due to an accident,

1693
00:41:47,514 --> 00:41:47,547


1694
00:41:47,547 --> 00:41:51,680
I don't like the way the  police kind of beckon you to  go past quickly by the time,

1695
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:51,714


1696
00:41:51,714 --> 00:41:52,980
 'cause, you know,  the rubbernecking.

1697
00:41:52,980 --> 00:41:53,014


1698
00:41:53,014 --> 00:41:54,347
 I think we're entitled to rubberneck.

1699
00:41:54,347 --> 00:41:54,380


1700
00:41:54,380 --> 00:41:57,447
 We've been sitting there  for three-quarters of an hour.

1701
00:41:57,447 --> 00:41:57,480


1702
00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:01,480
 I wanna see what's happened.  I wanna see the idiot  who's held me up, you know.

1703
00:42:03,047 --> 00:42:03,080


1704
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:04,880
 I shout, you know,  "Hope you're happy.

1705
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:04,914


1706
00:42:04,914 --> 00:42:07,654
 "At least you've got  a neck brace to show for it.  I'm actually late!"

1707
00:42:07,654 --> 00:42:07,687


1708
00:42:07,687 --> 00:42:10,420
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1709
00:42:10,420 --> 00:42:13,360


1710
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:16,060
 -Anyway, listen, your lap.  -Oh, yes.

1711
00:42:16,060 --> 00:42:16,093


1712
00:42:16,093 --> 00:42:19,493
Things didn't go  really very smoothly

1713
00:42:19,493 --> 00:42:19,526


1714
00:42:19,526 --> 00:42:21,226
 when The Stig was showing you round.

1715
00:42:21,226 --> 00:42:21,260


1716
00:42:21,260 --> 00:42:23,826
 No. I... (STAMMERS)

1717
00:42:23,826 --> 00:42:23,860


1718
00:42:23,860 --> 00:42:25,993
 I got frightened. (LAUGHS)

1719
00:42:25,993 --> 00:42:26,026


1720
00:42:26,026 --> 00:42:27,660
 (ALL LAUGHING)

1721
00:42:27,660 --> 00:42:27,693


1722
00:42:27,693 --> 00:42:31,693
 I had, sort of, flashbacks  from an accident I had  when I was about 18.

1723
00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:32,393


1724
00:42:32,393 --> 00:42:34,060
 I was in the back of a car,

1725
00:42:34,060 --> 00:42:34,093


1726
00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:36,660
 it was another Fiat 127,  actually,  I have to avoid this car.

1727
00:42:36,660 --> 00:42:36,693


1728
00:42:36,693 --> 00:42:38,860
 Um, and it rolled over  on a corner.

1729
00:42:38,860 --> 00:42:38,893


1730
00:42:38,893 --> 00:42:40,460
 And I've never got that out of my mind.

1731
00:42:40,460 --> 00:42:40,493


1732
00:42:40,493 --> 00:42:43,226
 But once I was  actually able to drive,  I felt a bit better

1733
00:42:43,226 --> 00:42:43,260


1734
00:42:43,260 --> 00:42:46,826
'cause I felt, "Well,  at least if we both die,  it's, you know...

1735
00:42:46,826 --> 00:42:46,860


1736
00:42:46,860 --> 00:42:48,460
 -"I'll get the credit for it."  -Yeah.

1737
00:42:48,460 --> 00:42:48,493


1738
00:42:48,493 --> 00:42:50,093
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1739
00:42:50,093 --> 00:42:50,126


1740
00:42:50,126 --> 00:42:51,726
 -I killed The Stig. -Yeah.

1741
00:42:51,726 --> 00:42:51,760


1742
00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,360
 Well, shall we have a look  at this, um...

1743
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:54,393


1744
00:42:54,393 --> 00:42:56,060
 Well, allegedly sedate lap.

1745
00:42:56,060 --> 00:42:56,093


1746
00:42:56,093 --> 00:42:58,226
 -Do you want to see that?  -AUDIENCE: Yes!

1747
00:42:58,226 --> 00:42:58,260


1748
00:42:58,260 --> 00:43:00,326
 Okay, let's put it on here.

1749
00:43:00,326 --> 00:43:00,360


1750
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,026
 (TYRES SCREECHING)

1751
00:43:02,026 --> 00:43:02,060


1752
00:43:02,060 --> 00:43:03,626
 --CLARKSON:  Oh, that's not  --  a very sedate start.

1753
00:43:03,626 --> 00:43:03,660


1754
00:43:03,660 --> 00:43:06,560
 It's the first time  I've driven a manual  for 12 years, so...

1755
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:06,593


1756
00:43:06,593 --> 00:43:10,166
Racing driver excuses  before you've even got  to the first corner.

1757
00:43:10,166 --> 00:43:10,200


1758
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:12,033
 (TYRES SQUEALING)

1759
00:43:12,033 --> 00:43:12,066


1760
00:43:12,066 --> 00:43:15,133
 -Oh, my God, that's not very fast, Jack. -No.

1761
00:43:15,133 --> 00:43:15,166


1762
00:43:15,166 --> 00:43:16,366
 I might not have...

1763
00:43:16,366 --> 00:43:16,400


1764
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,566
 You're not even meant to brake here, just got to turn... Oh.

1765
00:43:19,566 --> 00:43:19,600


1766
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,600
 CLARKSON:  You don't need    to brake when you go in    that speed, that's for sure.

1767
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:22,633


1768
00:43:22,633 --> 00:43:24,066
 I'm in control. I'm in control.

1769
00:43:24,066 --> 00:43:25,900


1770
00:43:25,900 --> 00:43:27,133
 Here goes.

1771
00:43:27,133 --> 00:43:27,166


1772
00:43:27,166 --> 00:43:28,933
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1773
00:43:28,933 --> 00:43:30,766


1774
00:43:30,766 --> 00:43:33,000
 (TYRES SQUEALING)

1775
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:33,033


1776
00:43:33,033 --> 00:43:35,766
 CLARKSON: That's the slowest  first half of a lap  I've ever seen.

1777
00:43:35,766 --> 00:43:35,800


1778
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:37,933
 Here we go, second half.

1779
00:43:37,933 --> 00:43:39,266


1780
00:43:39,266 --> 00:43:43,033
Yes, it's moving... Oh, God, that was a bit better.

1781
00:43:43,033 --> 00:43:43,066


1782
00:43:43,066 --> 00:43:44,633
 I can't do it again,  I can't do it again.

1783
00:43:44,633 --> 00:43:44,666


1784
00:43:44,666 --> 00:43:46,600
 There you go.  Now you've got to brake a bit.

1785
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:46,633


1786
00:43:46,633 --> 00:43:49,033
 CLARKSON:    You've got to slow down    quite a lot for that corner.

1787
00:43:49,033 --> 00:43:49,066


1788
00:43:49,066 --> 00:43:50,900
 --  Oh, you're turning --  a bit too soon.

1789
00:43:50,900 --> 00:43:50,933


1790
00:43:50,933 --> 00:43:53,100
 --DEE:  Jeremy, it felt  --  plenty fast enough.

1791
00:43:53,100 --> 00:43:53,133


1792
00:43:53,133 --> 00:43:55,033
 (LAUGHTER)

1793
00:43:55,033 --> 00:43:55,066


1794
00:43:55,066 --> 00:43:56,733
 CLARKSON:  And there we go...  DEE: What's the hurry?

1795
00:43:56,733 --> 00:43:56,766


1796
00:43:56,766 --> 00:43:59,000
 -...across the line. -There you go.

1797
00:43:59,000 --> 00:43:59,033


1798
00:43:59,033 --> 00:44:00,700
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1799
00:44:00,700 --> 00:44:04,833


1800
00:44:04,833 --> 00:44:07,100
The first half, I have to say,  of that lap, was quite slow.

1801
00:44:07,100 --> 00:44:07,133


1802
00:44:07,133 --> 00:44:10,273
 -It was.  -But you did pick up a bit,  I thought, towards the end.

1803
00:44:10,273 --> 00:44:10,306


1804
00:44:10,306 --> 00:44:13,306
 So, on that basis,  where do you think  you might have, um...

1805
00:44:13,306 --> 00:44:13,340


1806
00:44:13,340 --> 00:44:16,573
 Well,  I think I'm probably around...

1807
00:44:16,573 --> 00:44:16,606


1808
00:44:16,606 --> 00:44:19,240
 I can imagine I'm a driver similar to Stephen Fry.

1809
00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:19,273


1810
00:44:19,273 --> 00:44:21,806
 -I should imagine that.  -He's quite good, Stephen Fry.

1811
00:44:21,806 --> 00:44:21,840


1812
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:23,773
 Oh, was he?  So I'm way down really, am I?

1813
00:44:23,773 --> 00:44:23,806


1814
00:44:23,806 --> 00:44:24,906
 Yeah, I've got you more...

1815
00:44:24,906 --> 00:44:24,940


1816
00:44:24,940 --> 00:44:28,973
 -I'm with Blind Man and Vegas.  -And Wogan.

1817
00:44:28,973 --> 00:44:29,006


1818
00:44:29,006 --> 00:44:30,973
You went round  in unbelievable...

1819
00:44:30,973 --> 00:44:31,006


1820
00:44:31,006 --> 00:44:32,273
 Obviously picked  the speed up a lot,

1821
00:44:32,273 --> 00:44:32,306


1822
00:44:32,306 --> 00:44:35,673
 'cause you did it in one minute 53 and a half seconds.

1823
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:35,706


1824
00:44:35,706 --> 00:44:37,073
 Oh, well, there you go.

1825
00:44:37,073 --> 00:44:37,106


1826
00:44:37,106 --> 00:44:40,506
 -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)  -So, you are  all the way up there.

1827
00:44:40,506 --> 00:44:41,406


1828
00:44:41,406 --> 00:44:42,706
 There you go. Bill Bailey.

1829
00:44:42,706 --> 00:44:42,740


1830
00:44:42,740 --> 00:44:45,840
 Next time you see Bill Bailey,  you'll be able to say...

1831
00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:45,873


1832
00:44:45,873 --> 00:44:47,006
 Ladies and gentlemen,  Jack Dee!

1833
00:44:47,006 --> 00:44:47,040


1834
00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:48,640
 -Thank you.  -(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1835
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:52,640


1836
00:44:54,206 --> 00:44:56,006
 Okay. Right.

1837
00:44:56,006 --> 00:44:57,140


1838
00:44:57,140 --> 00:45:00,040
 Now, back to the coupes.

1839
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:00,073


1840
00:45:00,073 --> 00:45:02,240
 Because after the first series  of tests,

1841
00:45:02,240 --> 00:45:02,273


1842
00:45:02,273 --> 00:45:05,340
incredibly, considering  what a pile of garbage it is,

1843
00:45:05,340 --> 00:45:05,373


1844
00:45:05,373 --> 00:45:07,473
 James's Jaguar  was in the lead.

1845
00:45:07,473 --> 00:45:07,506


1846
00:45:07,506 --> 00:45:09,380
 So, it was  a carefully selected car.

1847
00:45:09,380 --> 00:45:09,413


1848
00:45:09,413 --> 00:45:10,813
 Pile of garbage.

1849
00:45:10,813 --> 00:45:10,846


1850
00:45:10,846 --> 00:45:13,913
 The point being,  they now set us  another challenge.

1851
00:45:13,913 --> 00:45:13,946


1852
00:45:13,946 --> 00:45:15,580
 They now said,

1853
00:45:15,580 --> 00:45:15,613


1854
00:45:15,613 --> 00:45:18,113
 "You can spend whatever  change you've got left  from your 1,500-quid budget

1855
00:45:18,113 --> 00:45:18,146


1856
00:45:18,146 --> 00:45:22,946
 "after you bought your car  on modifying your car  for a motor race".

1857
00:45:22,946 --> 00:45:22,980


1858
00:45:22,980 --> 00:45:26,113
 But what they didn't tell us  was what sort of motor race  it would be.

1859
00:45:26,113 --> 00:45:26,146


1860
00:45:26,146 --> 00:45:29,446
And obviously that's important  because you can't set up  your car for say Silverstone

1861
00:45:29,446 --> 00:45:29,480


1862
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,813
 and then find  that you're on a rally stage.

1863
00:45:31,813 --> 00:45:31,846


1864
00:45:31,846 --> 00:45:34,646
 Yes, it's kind of critical  to have that information,  but we didn't,

1865
00:45:34,646 --> 00:45:34,680


1866
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:36,913
 so we sort of guessed, did the best we could,

1867
00:45:36,913 --> 00:45:36,946


1868
00:45:36,946 --> 00:45:39,813
 and then we were told  to meet up at a farm.

1869
00:45:39,813 --> 00:45:39,846


1870
00:45:39,846 --> 00:45:41,113
 This is what happened.

1871
00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:44,313


1872
00:45:44,313 --> 00:45:47,913
 Now, I spent £1,000 on my Starion,

1873
00:45:47,913 --> 00:45:47,946


1874
00:45:47,946 --> 00:45:51,946
 meant I had £500 left over to turn it into a motor racing version.

1875
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:52,713


1876
00:45:52,713 --> 00:45:54,780
 Get on with it.  Let's see this thing!

1877
00:45:54,780 --> 00:45:54,813


1878
00:45:54,813 --> 00:45:57,013
-Look at this! -Whoa, hang on!

1879
00:45:57,013 --> 00:45:57,046


1880
00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:58,813
 Oh, now I'm struggling  'cause I wanna laugh,

1881
00:45:58,813 --> 00:45:58,846


1882
00:45:58,846 --> 00:46:01,246
 but that actually looks  pretty good! (LAUGHS)

1883
00:46:01,246 --> 00:46:01,280


1884
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:02,546
 See, here's my thing, okay.

1885
00:46:02,546 --> 00:46:02,580


1886
00:46:02,580 --> 00:46:05,946
 I thought a nice paint job  would be one thing.

1887
00:46:05,946 --> 00:46:05,980


1888
00:46:05,980 --> 00:46:07,580
 HAMMOND: Is that going  to make it go any faster?

1889
00:46:07,580 --> 00:46:07,613


1890
00:46:07,613 --> 00:46:09,986
 --CLARKSON:  No,  --  but I had that one covered.

1891
00:46:09,986 --> 00:46:10,020


1892
00:46:10,020 --> 00:46:14,020
 That is a turbocharger from Pentti Airikkala's  Group A rally car.

1893
00:46:17,853 --> 00:46:17,886


1894
00:46:17,886 --> 00:46:20,786
 -Is it?  -CLARKSON:  230 brake horsepower.

1895
00:46:20,786 --> 00:46:20,820


1896
00:46:20,820 --> 00:46:22,486
 Was a 150.

1897
00:46:22,486 --> 00:46:22,520


1898
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:24,653
 So, you'll almost certainly manage one lap

1899
00:46:24,653 --> 00:46:24,686


1900
00:46:24,686 --> 00:46:26,553
of wherever we're going, and then it'll explode.

1901
00:46:26,553 --> 00:46:27,786


1902
00:46:27,786 --> 00:46:30,120
 --CLARKSON:  Next,  --  it was James's turn.

1903
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:30,153


1904
00:46:30,153 --> 00:46:31,253
 (LAUGHS)

1905
00:46:31,253 --> 00:46:31,286


1906
00:46:31,286 --> 00:46:33,086
 That's British racing green,  is it?

1907
00:46:33,086 --> 00:46:33,120


1908
00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:35,120
 -That's what  he's going to tell us!  -(BOTH LAUGHING)

1909
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:35,153


1910
00:46:35,153 --> 00:46:37,053
 CLARKSON: He ran out of paint!

1911
00:46:37,053 --> 00:46:37,086


1912
00:46:37,086 --> 00:46:39,253
 Well, I did.  I had 400 quid left.

1913
00:46:39,253 --> 00:46:39,286


1914
00:46:39,286 --> 00:46:43,653
 Um, I spent £370  mending the engine,

1915
00:46:43,653 --> 00:46:43,686


1916
00:46:43,686 --> 00:46:46,553
 £10 on a tin of Hammerite  that wasn't quite big enough.

1917
00:46:46,553 --> 00:46:46,586


1918
00:46:46,586 --> 00:46:49,486
 --CLARKSON:  So, what had  --  Hammond done to his BMW?

1919
00:46:49,486 --> 00:46:49,520


1920
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:51,920
 I spent 1,250 quid on my car,

1921
00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:51,953


1922
00:46:51,953 --> 00:46:55,953
which left me at £250  to race prepare it  ready for today's event.

1923
00:46:57,020 --> 00:46:57,053


1924
00:46:57,053 --> 00:47:00,020
 -And here it is. Here it is.  -(CLARKSON CLEARING THROAT)

1925
00:47:00,020 --> 00:47:00,053


1926
00:47:00,053 --> 00:47:02,220
 -I want you to feast  your eyes on this!  -(BOTH LAUGHING)

1927
00:47:02,220 --> 00:47:02,253


1928
00:47:02,253 --> 00:47:05,320
 There's a fridge freezer  on the front of it  for no reason!

1929
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:05,353


1930
00:47:05,353 --> 00:47:07,860
 -(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)  -I've gone for...

1931
00:47:07,860 --> 00:47:07,893


1932
00:47:07,893 --> 00:47:09,126
 CLARKSON: What's that?

1933
00:47:09,126 --> 00:47:09,160


1934
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,460
 HAMMOND: That's a side exhaust.

1935
00:47:10,460 --> 00:47:10,493


1936
00:47:10,493 --> 00:47:12,493
 They're not connected  to the engine, are they?

1937
00:47:12,493 --> 00:47:12,526


1938
00:47:12,526 --> 00:47:13,893
 Technically, no.

1939
00:47:13,893 --> 00:47:13,926


1940
00:47:13,926 --> 00:47:15,993
 But they're connected to the same car that the engine is in.

1941
00:47:15,993 --> 00:47:16,026


1942
00:47:16,026 --> 00:47:17,926
MAY: So, as usual, you spent  all your money on stuff

1943
00:47:17,926 --> 00:47:17,960


1944
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,026
 that makes no difference  to the way the car goes,

1945
00:47:20,026 --> 00:47:20,060


1946
00:47:20,060 --> 00:47:22,026
 apart from possibly  making it a bit heavier?

1947
00:47:22,026 --> 00:47:22,060


1948
00:47:22,060 --> 00:47:24,260
 All of this aside,

1949
00:47:24,260 --> 00:47:24,293


1950
00:47:24,293 --> 00:47:25,493
 where is the race track?  (CHUCKLES)

1951
00:47:25,493 --> 00:47:25,526


1952
00:47:25,526 --> 00:47:26,660
 All I can see are some crates.

1953
00:47:26,660 --> 00:47:26,693


1954
00:47:26,693 --> 00:47:28,526
 Okay, we don't know  at this point

1955
00:47:28,526 --> 00:47:28,560


1956
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:30,693
 what kind of motor racing  we're going to be doing.

1957
00:47:30,693 --> 00:47:30,726


1958
00:47:30,726 --> 00:47:33,393
 HAMMOND:  I'm just praying it's a nice,  proper race track.

1959
00:47:33,393 --> 00:47:35,460


1960
00:47:35,460 --> 00:47:36,960
 CLARKSON:  It wasn't.

1961
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:36,993


1962
00:47:36,993 --> 00:47:39,160
  In fact, our 1,500-quid cars

1963
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:39,193


1964
00:47:39,193 --> 00:47:43,060
had been entered for a four-hour endurance race on a grass track,

1965
00:47:43,060 --> 00:47:43,093


1966
00:47:43,093 --> 00:47:47,093
  the toughest task    we'd ever set in any of our    cheap car challenges.

1967
00:47:49,260 --> 00:47:49,293


1968
00:47:49,293 --> 00:47:50,660
 HAMMOND: That's not quite  what I had in mind.

1969
00:47:50,660 --> 00:47:50,693


1970
00:47:50,693 --> 00:47:54,526
 I'm so looking forward  to your spoiler here.

1971
00:47:54,526 --> 00:47:54,560


1972
00:47:54,560 --> 00:47:57,260
 CLARKSON:  And to make matters worse, our competitors' cars

1973
00:47:57,260 --> 00:47:57,293


1974
00:47:57,293 --> 00:48:01,293
  were all much younger,    much fitter,    and much more robust.

1975
00:48:02,293 --> 00:48:03,393


1976
00:48:03,393 --> 00:48:06,293
 --  Hammond responded --  by decking out his 635

1977
00:48:06,293 --> 00:48:06,326


1978
00:48:06,326 --> 00:48:10,600
 --  in some last-minute  --  BMW racing war paint.

1979
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:11,566


1980
00:48:11,566 --> 00:48:14,000
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!  Slow. Nice and slow.

1981
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:14,900


1982
00:48:14,900 --> 00:48:16,100
 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

1983
00:48:16,100 --> 00:48:16,133


1984
00:48:16,133 --> 00:48:17,766
 (ENGINES REVVING)

1985
00:48:17,766 --> 00:48:19,766


1986
00:48:19,766 --> 00:48:23,766
 CLARKSON:  And so,    on the dot of just after    23 minutes past 2:00,

1987
00:48:24,366 --> 00:48:24,400


1988
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:28,266
 --  while James was looking --  the other way, the race began.

1989
00:48:28,266 --> 00:48:30,666


1990
00:48:30,666 --> 00:48:33,033
 --  But Hammond --  stormed into the lead.

1991
00:48:33,033 --> 00:48:33,066


1992
00:48:33,066 --> 00:48:37,933
 I'm going to do  a few glorious laps  and retire.

1993
00:48:37,933 --> 00:48:39,600


1994
00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:42,133
 I'm blind! I'm blind!  I can't see a thing!

1995
00:48:42,133 --> 00:48:42,166


1996
00:48:42,166 --> 00:48:46,766
 Now I'm so far behind Hammond,  I won't be able to see  his spoiler come off.

1997
00:48:46,766 --> 00:48:48,066


1998
00:48:48,066 --> 00:48:51,866
--  I had to get past James, --  whatever it cost...him.

1999
00:48:51,866 --> 00:48:51,900


2000
00:48:51,900 --> 00:48:53,766
 We've only been going  a couple of minutes and...

2001
00:48:53,766 --> 00:48:53,800


2002
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:54,800
 Oh!

2003
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:57,533


2004
00:48:57,533 --> 00:48:59,166
 (BLEEPS)

2005
00:48:59,166 --> 00:48:59,200


2006
00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:02,333
 CLARKSON:  I put the hammer down to catch Hammond, but there was no need

2007
00:49:02,333 --> 00:49:02,366


2008
00:49:02,366 --> 00:49:06,933
  because he'd forgotten to fill up before the race and he needed fuel.

2009
00:49:06,933 --> 00:49:08,273


2010
00:49:08,273 --> 00:49:10,540
 --  Meanwhile,  --  James was all over the place.

2011
00:49:10,540 --> 00:49:10,840


2012
00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:11,840
 Argh!

2013
00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:12,706


2014
00:49:12,706 --> 00:49:13,740
 I'm sorry, track.

2015
00:49:13,740 --> 00:49:13,773


2016
00:49:13,773 --> 00:49:15,940
 --CLARKSON:  And so,  --  the lead was mine.

2017
00:49:15,940 --> 00:49:15,973


2018
00:49:15,973 --> 00:49:17,340
  Briefly.

2019
00:49:17,340 --> 00:49:19,073


2020
00:49:19,073 --> 00:49:20,406
 Whoa!

2021
00:49:20,406 --> 00:49:21,240


2022
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:23,140
 He just took me out.

2023
00:49:23,140 --> 00:49:23,173


2024
00:49:23,173 --> 00:49:25,040
 The guy in the Camry. Right.

2025
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:25,073


2026
00:49:25,073 --> 00:49:28,040
CLARKSON:  Luckily, my spare tyres were from a rally car,

2027
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:28,073


2028
00:49:28,073 --> 00:49:29,873
 --  and Hammond --  wasn't jealous at all.

2029
00:49:29,873 --> 00:49:29,906


2030
00:49:29,906 --> 00:49:32,773
 -I want a rally wheel.  I want a rally wheel.  -CLARKSON: It might fit.

2031
00:49:32,773 --> 00:49:32,806


2032
00:49:32,806 --> 00:49:34,073
 I want...

2033
00:49:34,073 --> 00:49:34,106


2034
00:49:34,106 --> 00:49:35,873
 (CLARKSON LAUGHING)

2035
00:49:35,873 --> 00:49:36,806


2036
00:49:36,806 --> 00:49:38,140
 HAMMOND: Get out of the way!

2037
00:49:38,140 --> 00:49:38,173


2038
00:49:38,173 --> 00:49:40,640
 CLARKSON:  While we were bickering, Gentleman James took the lead.

2039
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:40,673


2040
00:49:40,673 --> 00:49:42,873
 -May is still running! -Not for long.

2041
00:49:42,873 --> 00:49:44,573


2042
00:49:44,573 --> 00:49:48,273
 CLARKSON:  But it wasn't James's car that was the problem, it was mine.

2043
00:49:48,273 --> 00:49:48,306


2044
00:49:48,306 --> 00:49:51,140
 --  My new turbo had made it  --  immensely fast.

2045
00:49:51,140 --> 00:49:51,173


2046
00:49:51,173 --> 00:49:52,640
 Coming through!

2047
00:49:52,640 --> 00:49:52,673


2048
00:49:52,673 --> 00:49:56,573
But it had had a catastrophic effect on the cooling system.

2049
00:49:56,573 --> 00:49:59,140


2050
00:49:59,140 --> 00:50:01,040
 Turbo heating and I'm way down on power.

2051
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:01,073


2052
00:50:01,073 --> 00:50:02,773
 If I adjust the boost, will that help?

2053
00:50:02,773 --> 00:50:02,806


2054
00:50:02,806 --> 00:50:06,806
 --  The Mitsubishi's unimpeachable --  reliability was gone.

2055
00:50:07,180 --> 00:50:09,380


2056
00:50:09,380 --> 00:50:11,813
  Meanwhile,    James had worked wonders    with the Jag,

2057
00:50:11,813 --> 00:50:11,846


2058
00:50:11,846 --> 00:50:15,780
  succeeding in his garage    where British Leyland    had failed.

2059
00:50:15,780 --> 00:50:15,813


2060
00:50:15,813 --> 00:50:19,813
  He was so confident, in fact,    that he started a new sport    of Hammond-bashing.

2061
00:50:20,746 --> 00:50:24,946


2062
00:50:24,946 --> 00:50:26,746
 Got him! (LAUGHING)

2063
00:50:26,746 --> 00:50:26,780


2064
00:50:26,780 --> 00:50:29,780
 That was out of order!

2065
00:50:29,780 --> 00:50:29,813


2066
00:50:29,813 --> 00:50:32,880
CLARKSON:  Looked like    such fun that I decided    to have a go myself

2067
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:32,913


2068
00:50:32,913 --> 00:50:35,380
  and set off in hot pursuit.

2069
00:50:35,380 --> 00:50:35,413


2070
00:50:35,413 --> 00:50:37,780
 Come on, mate.  Come and get it, big fella!

2071
00:50:37,780 --> 00:50:37,813


2072
00:50:37,813 --> 00:50:38,846
 CLARKSON:  So I did.

2073
00:50:38,846 --> 00:50:40,913


2074
00:50:40,913 --> 00:50:44,380
 You cheating  son of a (BLEEPS)!

2075
00:50:44,380 --> 00:50:44,413


2076
00:50:44,413 --> 00:50:48,713
 It's not the winning,  it's not the taking part,

2077
00:50:48,713 --> 00:50:48,746


2078
00:50:48,746 --> 00:50:50,380
 it's just bashing Hammond.

2079
00:50:50,380 --> 00:50:50,413


2080
00:50:50,413 --> 00:50:53,213
 --CLARKSON:  That, of course,  --  put me back in the pits.

2081
00:50:53,213 --> 00:50:54,880


2082
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:57,446
 Bodywork!

2083
00:50:57,446 --> 00:50:57,480


2084
00:50:57,480 --> 00:51:00,680
 --CLARKSON:  Meanwhile, the Jag  --  just kept pounding round.

2085
00:51:00,680 --> 00:51:00,713


2086
00:51:00,713 --> 00:51:02,513
 --  The only time  --  it came into the pits

2087
00:51:02,513 --> 00:51:02,546


2088
00:51:02,546 --> 00:51:05,513
--  was when the driver's --  sense of direction broke down.

2089
00:51:05,513 --> 00:51:05,546


2090
00:51:05,546 --> 00:51:07,753
 I didn't mean to come in,  I went the wrong way!

2091
00:51:07,753 --> 00:51:07,786


2092
00:51:07,786 --> 00:51:09,820
 (LAUGHS)

2093
00:51:09,820 --> 00:51:09,853


2094
00:51:09,853 --> 00:51:11,753
 --CLARKSON:  Hammond may  --  have been picked on,

2095
00:51:11,753 --> 00:51:11,786


2096
00:51:11,786 --> 00:51:14,720
  but his exuberant    driving style    meant he was now winning.

2097
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:14,753


2098
00:51:14,753 --> 00:51:18,120
 --  And on hearing the news,  --  the crowd went wild.

2099
00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:20,120


2100
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:24,320
  But then, his exuberant    driving style    put him in a hedge.

2101
00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:28,320


2102
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,993
  After three hours, even May's Jaguar was in trouble.

2103
00:51:34,993 --> 00:51:35,027


2104
00:51:35,027 --> 00:51:38,127
  The exhaust had gone, the suspension had collapsed,

2105
00:51:38,127 --> 00:51:41,093


2106
00:51:41,093 --> 00:51:43,560
--  and the dashboard  --  was smoking him out.

2107
00:51:43,560 --> 00:51:43,593


2108
00:51:43,593 --> 00:51:46,160
 (ENGINE SPUTTERING)

2109
00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:46,193


2110
00:51:46,193 --> 00:51:48,527
 I've boiled my brake fluid.

2111
00:51:48,527 --> 00:51:48,560


2112
00:51:48,560 --> 00:51:52,127
 That's how committed  I am to motorsport.

2113
00:51:52,127 --> 00:51:52,160


2114
00:51:52,160 --> 00:51:55,927
 CLARKSON:  With just one hour left, we prepared for the final battle.

2115
00:51:55,927 --> 00:51:55,960


2116
00:51:55,960 --> 00:51:57,427
 -CLARKSON: The dials  are reading normal.  -(HISSING)

2117
00:51:57,427 --> 00:51:57,460


2118
00:51:57,460 --> 00:51:59,060
 -Really? I can't believe it.  -Yeah.

2119
00:51:59,060 --> 00:51:59,093


2120
00:51:59,093 --> 00:52:01,560
 Well, I've only been  looking at the fuel one.  That might be why.

2121
00:52:01,560 --> 00:52:01,593


2122
00:52:01,593 --> 00:52:03,460
 (CHUCKLES)  Look at his front spoiler!

2123
00:52:03,460 --> 00:52:03,493


2124
00:52:03,493 --> 00:52:04,760
 Why doesn't he just give up?

2125
00:52:04,760 --> 00:52:05,227


2126
00:52:05,227 --> 00:52:07,160
 (BOTH LAUGHING)

2127
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:07,193


2128
00:52:07,193 --> 00:52:09,493
--CLARKSON:  The BMW --  was still in the lead,

2129
00:52:09,493 --> 00:52:09,527


2130
00:52:09,527 --> 00:52:12,233
 --  the Jag was second  --  and the Mitsubishi...

2131
00:52:12,233 --> 00:52:12,267


2132
00:52:12,267 --> 00:52:16,067
  Well, that could only do    one lap at a time,    overtaking everything...

2133
00:52:16,067 --> 00:52:16,100


2134
00:52:16,100 --> 00:52:17,200
 CLARKSON: I've got him!

2135
00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:17,233


2136
00:52:17,233 --> 00:52:19,867
 --  ...and then going  --  into the pits again.

2137
00:52:19,867 --> 00:52:21,033


2138
00:52:21,033 --> 00:52:22,033
 It's cutting out.

2139
00:52:22,033 --> 00:52:24,967


2140
00:52:24,967 --> 00:52:26,667
 Whoa!

2141
00:52:26,667 --> 00:52:26,700


2142
00:52:26,700 --> 00:52:30,233
 HAMMOND:  That final blow-up    really was the end    of Jeremy's Starion.

2143
00:52:30,233 --> 00:52:30,267


2144
00:52:30,267 --> 00:52:33,667
  Now it was just    a straight fight    between me and James.

2145
00:52:33,667 --> 00:52:35,033


2146
00:52:35,033 --> 00:52:36,767
 (WHISTLING)

2147
00:52:36,767 --> 00:52:38,767


2148
00:52:38,767 --> 00:52:42,467
  All I had to do was bring the BMW home in one piece.

2149
00:52:42,467 --> 00:52:44,733


2150
00:52:44,733 --> 00:52:47,433
-Oh, no! Transmission!  -(ENGINE HISSING)

2151
00:52:47,433 --> 00:52:47,467


2152
00:52:47,467 --> 00:52:48,667
 I'm out!

2153
00:52:48,667 --> 00:52:49,800


2154
00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:51,933
 --  And that just left --  the plucky Jag,

2155
00:52:51,933 --> 00:52:51,967


2156
00:52:51,967 --> 00:52:54,000
 --  which had made a comeback  --  worthy of Lazarus,

2157
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:54,033


2158
00:52:54,033 --> 00:52:57,533
 --  Robbie Williams  --  and John Travolta.

2159
00:52:57,533 --> 00:52:57,567


2160
00:52:57,567 --> 00:53:01,600
 To finish first,  first you have to finish.  Even I know that.

2161
00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:01,633


2162
00:53:01,633 --> 00:53:04,100
 (ENGINE GRATING)

2163
00:53:04,100 --> 00:53:05,867


2164
00:53:05,867 --> 00:53:09,867
 It is a glorious day  for Jaguar and common sense.

2165
00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:10,073


2166
00:53:10,073 --> 00:53:11,640
 It's the checkered flag!

2167
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:13,507


2168
00:53:13,507 --> 00:53:15,873
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

2169
00:53:15,873 --> 00:53:15,907


2170
00:53:15,907 --> 00:53:17,007
 Oh, no, no.

2171
00:53:17,007 --> 00:53:17,507


2172
00:53:17,507 --> 00:53:20,640
 Me. Me. Me.

2173
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:21,373


2174
00:53:21,373 --> 00:53:23,907
 Not so fast. Not so fast.

2175
00:53:23,907 --> 00:53:23,940


2176
00:53:23,940 --> 00:53:27,240
-Just... No, I'm sorry,  that's an endurance race.  -Yes.

2177
00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:27,273


2178
00:53:27,273 --> 00:53:30,507
 And the fact is, is that,  yes, you reached  the checkered flag...

2179
00:53:30,507 --> 00:53:30,540


2180
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:33,240
 -Yes, I did.  -...but it's how many  laps you did.

2181
00:53:33,240 --> 00:53:33,273


2182
00:53:33,273 --> 00:53:37,207
 -What?  -It's how many laps you did,  and he did more.

2183
00:53:37,207 --> 00:53:37,240


2184
00:53:37,240 --> 00:53:38,573
 Yes!

2185
00:53:38,573 --> 00:53:38,607


2186
00:53:38,607 --> 00:53:41,040
 -You drove so slowly... -Thank you.

2187
00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:41,073


2188
00:53:41,073 --> 00:53:42,640
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

2189
00:53:42,640 --> 00:53:45,107


2190
00:53:45,107 --> 00:53:46,507
 Thank you.

2191
00:53:46,507 --> 00:53:47,840


2192
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:50,473
 No. No, no, no,  'cause I finished.

2193
00:53:50,473 --> 00:53:50,507


2194
00:53:50,507 --> 00:53:52,273
 -No, it's the number of laps.  -Rubbish.

2195
00:53:52,273 --> 00:53:52,307


2196
00:53:52,307 --> 00:53:55,807
 It's how Le Mans  has worked for many years.  It's a brilliant idea.

2197
00:53:55,807 --> 00:53:55,840


2198
00:53:55,840 --> 00:53:57,773
-That's how it works. -Motorsport is rubbish.

2199
00:53:57,773 --> 00:53:57,807


2200
00:53:57,807 --> 00:53:59,807
 That's a rubbish spectacle.

2201
00:53:59,807 --> 00:53:59,840


2202
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:02,207
 Okay, but the fact is,  before you get too excited,

2203
00:54:02,207 --> 00:54:02,240


2204
00:54:02,240 --> 00:54:05,640
 -we now have to put  the scores on the board.  -Yes.

2205
00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:05,673


2206
00:54:05,673 --> 00:54:08,873
 I did 49 laps,  so my total is...

2207
00:54:08,873 --> 00:54:08,907


2208
00:54:08,907 --> 00:54:11,713
 Actually irrelevant, 'cause I'm out of the running completely.

2209
00:54:11,713 --> 00:54:11,747


2210
00:54:11,747 --> 00:54:15,747
 Uh, James, okay,  you're currently sitting  at minus 28,

2211
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:18,413


2212
00:54:18,413 --> 00:54:20,713
 and, Richard,  you're at minus 35. Okay.

2213
00:54:20,713 --> 00:54:20,747


2214
00:54:20,747 --> 00:54:24,780
 So, James, you did 80 laps, okay?

2215
00:54:24,780 --> 00:54:24,813


2216
00:54:24,813 --> 00:54:27,413
 -So you get 80 points. -And finished.

2217
00:54:27,413 --> 00:54:27,447


2218
00:54:27,447 --> 00:54:29,413
 And finished, irrelevantly.

2219
00:54:29,413 --> 00:54:29,447


2220
00:54:29,447 --> 00:54:32,480
-So, minus 28 to 80 is...  -Mmm.

2221
00:54:32,480 --> 00:54:32,513


2222
00:54:32,513 --> 00:54:36,247
 30...  52 is your finishing total.

2223
00:54:36,247 --> 00:54:36,280


2224
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:39,647
 -Right.  -Now, okay, he,  and this is very complicated,

2225
00:54:39,647 --> 00:54:39,680


2226
00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:43,613
 he had done,  he was on minus 35,  so, in other words,

2227
00:54:43,613 --> 00:54:43,647


2228
00:54:43,647 --> 00:54:45,980
 -if he's done eight laps... -There's seven in it.

2229
00:54:45,980 --> 00:54:46,013


2230
00:54:46,013 --> 00:54:50,413
 Yeah, if you'd done  eight laps more than him  in the four hours,

2231
00:54:50,413 --> 00:54:50,447


2232
00:54:50,447 --> 00:54:51,513
 you win.

2233
00:54:51,513 --> 00:54:51,547


2234
00:54:51,547 --> 00:54:53,080
 So I've got to have done  88 laps?

2235
00:54:53,080 --> 00:54:53,113


2236
00:54:53,113 --> 00:54:54,947
 You've got to have done 88 laps.

2237
00:54:54,947 --> 00:54:54,980


2238
00:54:54,980 --> 00:54:56,813
 You did...

2239
00:54:56,813 --> 00:54:56,847


2240
00:54:56,847 --> 00:54:58,447
 -Eighty...  -Yes?

2241
00:54:58,447 --> 00:54:59,580


2242
00:54:59,580 --> 00:55:01,347
 -...two.  -Yes!

2243
00:55:01,347 --> 00:55:01,380


2244
00:55:01,380 --> 00:55:04,513
 I've won something  on  Top Gear!

2245
00:55:04,513 --> 00:55:04,547


2246
00:55:04,547 --> 00:55:07,480
I've won something  on  Top Gear.

2247
00:55:07,480 --> 00:55:07,513


2248
00:55:07,513 --> 00:55:09,413
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

2249
00:55:09,413 --> 00:55:09,447


2250
00:55:09,447 --> 00:55:10,420
 I've won!

2251
00:55:10,420 --> 00:55:10,453


2252
00:55:10,453 --> 00:55:12,087
 I've won something  on  Top Gear.

2253
00:55:12,087 --> 00:55:14,887


2254
00:55:14,887 --> 00:55:16,687
 Well, go on, then!

2255
00:55:16,687 --> 00:55:16,720


2256
00:55:16,720 --> 00:55:17,987
 -What? -Go on!

2257
00:55:17,987 --> 00:55:18,020


2258
00:55:18,020 --> 00:55:20,653
 At this point,  you normally pull out some  preposterous trick

2259
00:55:20,653 --> 00:55:20,687


2260
00:55:20,687 --> 00:55:22,187
 to show that you've won.

2261
00:55:22,187 --> 00:55:22,220


2262
00:55:22,220 --> 00:55:25,220
 And tonight,  ladies and gentlemen,  is no different.

2263
00:55:25,220 --> 00:55:25,253


2264
00:55:25,253 --> 00:55:27,287
 -I have in fact won.  -It's over!

2265
00:55:27,287 --> 00:55:27,320


2266
00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:28,853
 -It isn't over!  -Go on, then.

2267
00:55:28,853 --> 00:55:28,887


2268
00:55:28,887 --> 00:55:30,387
 -No. -Okay.

2269
00:55:30,387 --> 00:55:30,420


2270
00:55:30,420 --> 00:55:32,687
 -Look into this camera here,  James. See this one here?  -Yeah.

2271
00:55:32,687 --> 00:55:32,720


2272
00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:34,787
--Now, how many people watch  Top Gear--around the world now?

2273
00:55:34,787 --> 00:55:34,820


2274
00:55:34,820 --> 00:55:36,920
 -About a quarter of a billion.  -Quarter of a billion people.

2275
00:55:36,920 --> 00:55:36,953


2276
00:55:36,953 --> 00:55:39,120
 You stand there and  tell all those people

2277
00:55:39,120 --> 00:55:39,153


2278
00:55:39,153 --> 00:55:42,587
 that the best cheap car  you can buy is a V12 car  made by communists.

2279
00:55:42,587 --> 00:55:42,620


2280
00:55:42,620 --> 00:55:43,853
 -No, no.  -Go on, say that.

2281
00:55:43,853 --> 00:55:43,887


2282
00:55:43,887 --> 00:55:46,120
 No, no. I didn't say that,  people of the world.

2283
00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:46,153


2284
00:55:46,153 --> 00:55:47,820
 CLARKSON: No, you can't say that.

2285
00:55:47,820 --> 00:55:47,853


2286
00:55:47,853 --> 00:55:51,153
 The fact of the matter is, as you both well know,

2287
00:55:51,153 --> 00:55:51,187


2288
00:55:51,187 --> 00:55:53,487
 the best car there  was the Starion.

2289
00:55:53,487 --> 00:55:53,520


2290
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:56,953
No! Look, now, there is something in that, because, yes,

2291
00:55:56,953 --> 00:55:56,987


2292
00:55:56,987 --> 00:55:59,653
 it was probably  the stronger car in some ways,

2293
00:55:59,653 --> 00:55:59,687


2294
00:55:59,687 --> 00:56:01,720
 and it would have won  the endurance race.

2295
00:56:01,720 --> 00:56:01,753


2296
00:56:01,753 --> 00:56:03,053
 -Clearly, it was faster.  -Yeah.

2297
00:56:03,053 --> 00:56:03,087


2298
00:56:03,087 --> 00:56:05,287
 -But it was let down  by one part.  -What?

2299
00:56:05,287 --> 00:56:05,320


2300
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:06,387
 -You.  -You.

2301
00:56:06,387 --> 00:56:06,420


2302
00:56:06,420 --> 00:56:08,220
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

2303
00:56:08,220 --> 00:56:08,253


2304
00:56:08,253 --> 00:56:09,887
 It was badly let down by you,

2305
00:56:09,887 --> 00:56:09,920


2306
00:56:09,920 --> 00:56:11,927
 because you got it  in your thick head

2307
00:56:11,927 --> 00:56:11,960


2308
00:56:11,960 --> 00:56:14,827
 that somehow you knew better  than one of the world's most  pre-eminent car manufacturers

2309
00:56:14,827 --> 00:56:14,860


2310
00:56:14,860 --> 00:56:16,760
 and you tried to improve it and you ruined it.

2311
00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:16,793


2312
00:56:16,793 --> 00:56:19,227
Yes, look, I know  if I was going to  put in a big turbo,

2313
00:56:19,227 --> 00:56:19,260


2314
00:56:19,260 --> 00:56:22,427
 I should've done something about the cooling system and I didn't, I admit.

2315
00:56:22,427 --> 00:56:22,460


2316
00:56:22,460 --> 00:56:23,860
 So it was your fault, you spoiled it.

2317
00:56:23,860 --> 00:56:23,893


2318
00:56:23,893 --> 00:56:26,260
 Yes, but the fact is, it was the better car.

2319
00:56:26,260 --> 00:56:26,293


2320
00:56:26,293 --> 00:56:28,793
 Now, I think we can do a deal here.

2321
00:56:28,793 --> 00:56:28,827


2322
00:56:28,827 --> 00:56:32,827
 We'll admit  that yours is the best car  and that you won

2323
00:56:33,193 --> 00:56:33,227


2324
00:56:33,227 --> 00:56:37,260
 if you'll admit  that you're a clot  and you ruined your car.

2325
00:56:37,260 --> 00:56:37,293


2326
00:56:37,293 --> 00:56:39,293
 Okay, that's all right. That's fair.

2327
00:56:39,293 --> 00:56:40,593


2328
00:56:40,593 --> 00:56:43,093
 Because it would've done.  Yes?

2329
00:56:43,093 --> 00:56:43,127


2330
00:56:43,127 --> 00:56:45,227
 -Yes? -AUDIENCE: Yes.

2331
00:56:45,227 --> 00:56:45,260


2332
00:56:45,260 --> 00:56:47,193
I'm a clot and  I ruined my car.

2333
00:56:47,193 --> 00:56:47,227


2334
00:56:47,227 --> 00:56:48,827
 And I've won!

2335
00:56:48,827 --> 00:56:48,860


2336
00:56:48,860 --> 00:56:50,660
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

2337
00:56:50,660 --> 00:56:50,693


2338
00:56:50,693 --> 00:56:51,760
 I won!

2339
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:53,260


2340
00:56:53,260 --> 00:56:55,527
 I blew it, I made a mistake.

2341
00:56:55,527 --> 00:56:55,560


2342
00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:58,027
 I admit it, it's my fault.

2343
00:56:58,027 --> 00:56:58,060


2344
00:56:58,060 --> 00:56:59,393
 It's my fault.

2345
00:56:59,393 --> 00:56:59,427


2346
00:56:59,427 --> 00:57:01,727
 I'm the fool,  I'm the nitwit here.

2347
00:57:01,727 --> 00:57:01,760


2348
00:57:01,760 --> 00:57:03,593
 -HAMMOND: Car good. Me bad.  -Okay, good, good, good.

2349
00:57:03,593 --> 00:57:03,627


2350
00:57:03,627 --> 00:57:06,593
 We do arrive  at a  Top Gear--top tip  out of all of this,

2351
00:57:06,593 --> 00:57:06,627


2352
00:57:06,627 --> 00:57:10,533
 which is that, if you only have £1,500 to spend on your coupe,

2353
00:57:10,533 --> 00:57:10,567


2354
00:57:10,567 --> 00:57:11,500
 buy Japanese.

2355
00:57:11,500 --> 00:57:11,533


2356
00:57:11,533 --> 00:57:14,000
 Doesn't matter what it is,  but go Japanese.

2357
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:14,033


2358
00:57:14,033 --> 00:57:16,933
 And then, crucially, leave it alone.

2359
00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:16,967


2360
00:57:16,967 --> 00:57:19,967
And on that bombshell, it's...  No, wait, actually...

2361
00:57:19,967 --> 00:57:20,000


2362
00:57:20,000 --> 00:57:22,633
 No, I'm talking rubbish!  We have got  one more thing to do.

2363
00:57:22,633 --> 00:57:22,667


2364
00:57:22,667 --> 00:57:25,867
 Earlier on, I drove  the Maserati MC Hammer here,  okay.

2365
00:57:25,867 --> 00:57:25,900


2366
00:57:25,900 --> 00:57:29,000
 And we suspect that it may be quicker than the Ferrari Enzo.

2367
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:29,033


2368
00:57:29,033 --> 00:57:33,033
 We suspect it could be the fastest car ever to go round our track.

2369
00:57:34,300 --> 00:57:34,333


2370
00:57:34,333 --> 00:57:38,633
 So that means  we've got to bring out our  house-trained racing driver.

2371
00:57:38,633 --> 00:57:38,667


2372
00:57:38,667 --> 00:57:40,700
 Some say he's wanted  by the CIA

2373
00:57:40,700 --> 00:57:40,733


2374
00:57:40,733 --> 00:57:44,100
 and that he sleeps upside down  like a bat.

2375
00:57:44,100 --> 00:57:44,133


2376
00:57:44,133 --> 00:57:46,333
All we know is  he's called The Stig.

2377
00:57:46,333 --> 00:57:46,367


2378
00:57:46,367 --> 00:57:48,033
 (ENGINE REVVING)

2379
00:57:48,033 --> 00:57:48,067


2380
00:57:48,067 --> 00:57:49,833
 --CLARKSON:  Away he goes!  --  Massive wheel spin,

2381
00:57:49,833 --> 00:57:49,867


2382
00:57:49,867 --> 00:57:53,300
 --  smearing the track with rubber --  from those huge, huge tyres.

2383
00:57:53,300 --> 00:57:53,333


2384
00:57:53,333 --> 00:57:55,433
  Now, down to the first corner.

2385
00:57:55,433 --> 00:57:55,467


2386
00:57:55,467 --> 00:57:57,600
 --  Ooh, he's very fast.  --  And look how flat it is.

2387
00:57:57,600 --> 00:57:57,633


2388
00:57:57,633 --> 00:58:01,933
  No roll at all. But look, you can see The Stig working hard in there!

2389
00:58:01,933 --> 00:58:04,800


2390
00:58:04,800 --> 00:58:08,800
 --  And the prog-rock fixation  --  has reached King Crimson.

2391
00:58:08,800 --> 00:58:08,833


2392
00:58:08,833 --> 00:58:12,773
  Around Chicago,    still looking very flat,    very smooth.

2393
00:58:12,773 --> 00:58:12,807


2394
00:58:12,807 --> 00:58:14,540
--  Coming up the Hammerhead,  --  braking hard,

2395
00:58:14,540 --> 00:58:14,573


2396
00:58:14,573 --> 00:58:17,040
  the ABS in this is less intrusive than it is in the Enzo,

2397
00:58:17,040 --> 00:58:17,073


2398
00:58:17,073 --> 00:58:21,040
 --  so The Stig can brake later.  --  That will help his time.

2399
00:58:21,040 --> 00:58:21,073


2400
00:58:21,073 --> 00:58:22,873
 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

2401
00:58:22,873 --> 00:58:26,340


2402
00:58:26,340 --> 00:58:28,140
  Now, follow through. Listen...

2403
00:58:28,140 --> 00:58:28,173


2404
00:58:28,173 --> 00:58:29,473
 (ENGINE ROARING)

2405
00:58:29,473 --> 00:58:29,507


2406
00:58:29,507 --> 00:58:31,707
 --  Totally committed,  --  and unlike the Enzo,

2407
00:58:31,707 --> 00:58:31,740


2408
00:58:31,740 --> 00:58:33,307
 --  the Maserati's  --  stability control

2409
00:58:33,307 --> 00:58:33,340


2410
00:58:33,340 --> 00:58:35,440
 --  just lets him  --  get on with the job.

2411
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:35,473


2412
00:58:35,473 --> 00:58:38,540
  Normally, you get    these driver aids that are    supposed to help drivers,

2413
00:58:38,540 --> 00:58:38,573


2414
00:58:38,573 --> 00:58:40,307
--  but The Stig  --  doesn't need their help.

2415
00:58:40,307 --> 00:58:40,340


2416
00:58:40,340 --> 00:58:42,607
 --  He likes to just have  --  him and the machine.

2417
00:58:42,607 --> 00:58:42,640


2418
00:58:42,640 --> 00:58:45,707
 --  No electronic interference  --  and that's what this car is.

2419
00:58:45,707 --> 00:58:45,740


2420
00:58:45,740 --> 00:58:48,973
 --  Coming through Gambon. --  Is he going to make it?

2421
00:58:48,973 --> 00:58:49,007


2422
00:58:49,007 --> 00:58:50,373
 Did he? Oh, come on, did he?

2423
00:58:50,373 --> 00:58:50,407


2424
00:58:50,407 --> 00:58:52,073
 -1.19 to beat. -HAMMOND: We know that.

2425
00:58:52,073 --> 00:58:52,107


2426
00:58:52,107 --> 00:58:53,173
 Okay. 1.19.

2427
00:58:53,173 --> 00:58:53,207


2428
00:58:53,207 --> 00:58:55,940
 -He did it in 1.18.9.  -Whoa!

2429
00:58:55,940 --> 00:58:55,973


2430
00:58:55,973 --> 00:58:57,573
 (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

2431
00:58:57,573 --> 00:59:00,707


2432
00:59:00,707 --> 00:59:01,707
 Incredible!

2433
00:59:01,707 --> 00:59:05,973


2434
00:59:05,973 --> 00:59:07,373
 A new fastest car!

2435
00:59:07,373 --> 00:59:07,407


2436
00:59:07,407 --> 00:59:09,207
 And it's a car  you didn't like.

2437
00:59:09,207 --> 00:59:09,240


2438
00:59:09,240 --> 00:59:11,180
 You know well speed isn't everything.

2439
00:59:11,180 --> 00:59:11,213


2440
00:59:11,213 --> 00:59:12,547
 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

2441
00:59:12,547 --> 00:59:12,580


2442
00:59:12,580 --> 00:59:13,980
I can't believe  I just said that.

2443
00:59:13,980 --> 00:59:14,013


2444
00:59:14,013 --> 00:59:16,347
 Anyway, on that bombshell,  it really is time to end.

2445
00:59:16,347 --> 00:59:16,380


2446
00:59:16,380 --> 00:59:17,780
 Thanks very much for watching.  Good night.