1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,920 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:07,080 A hundred years ago, the people of Britain 3 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:09,120 were living in a very different era. 4 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,480 This era was called the olden days, 5 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,680 and Britain was a very different place. 6 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:20,960 Every woman in this era was called Vera or Lynn. 7 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,160 One woman was even called both. 8 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:28,920 She was soon to sing about bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover. 9 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:33,680 But this was a fallacy. There were no Bluebirds in Vera's Britain. 10 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,360 And although the cliffs of Dover looked white, 11 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,120 they were in fact Farrow and Ball Slightly Munge. 12 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,400 The British were living in the shadows of the First World War. 13 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,920 Their generals lived in chalets at the back 14 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,880 and asked their soldiers at the front to kill millions of Germans, 15 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:55,160 by calling them on the telephone after breakfast. 16 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,640 Patch in the L-2-5-1, please. 17 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,920 But frequently, their telephone lines were cut by shells. 18 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,640 Hello? 19 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,880 Which meant the soldiers had no idea at all... 20 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,160 Had me blood test. 21 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,960 ..whether to kill millions of Germans after breakfast. 22 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,120 And then something happened. 23 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,440 A man called Marconi invented a device 24 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,480 that used short-wave radio signals 25 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,440 to transmit voices without the need for wires. 26 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,720 Hello? MAN: Hello. 27 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,880 And the generals realised that if they had these devices 28 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,200 they would no longer need telephones to ask their men 29 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,520 to kill millions of Germans... 30 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,160 ..after breakfast. 31 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:40,080 But someone else was excited by Marconi's wireless. 32 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,960 His name was John Reith. 33 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:47,480 Despite being Scottish, John Reith had an optimistic view of life... 34 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,560 ..and no interest in killing Germans after breakfast. 35 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,520 He'd observed British soldiers returning from the war 36 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,560 to their cottages with pianos in the kitchen parlour. 37 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,720 Here they could listen to their children making music. 38 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,800 And butters our bread 39 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,600 And now he's dead. 40 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,000 But their music was primitive, 41 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,880 their accents indecipherable. 42 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,760 Ee, by gum, the black face, you bugger. 43 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,400 Shut up, woman. 44 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,040 And their dancing unrefined. 45 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,920 Reith realised that if he could place Marconi's wireless 46 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:26,560 in their homes, they could hear refined classical music 47 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,920 and words spoken by their betters. 48 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,600 He would teach the working classes to say "napkin" 49 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,520 instead of "serviette." 50 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,600 RUMBLING And "lavatory" instead of "toilet." 51 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,680 And instead of clobbering foreigners... 52 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,480 ..they'd learn to love them. 53 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,520 Reith dreamt of a Britain where every home would have a lovebox. 54 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:02,720 BOTH: The lovely BBC 55 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,720 When we come home for tea 56 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,840 57 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,000 58 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,160 59 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,200 60 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,160 You can't sing that, Candice Marie. Why not, Keith? 61 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,200 Well, it doesn't scan. Come along. 62 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,160 MAN: Are you ready for the music? 63 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,920 It's different today. 64 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,960 ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS 65 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,880 It began a hundred years ago, and by the time of the Second World War, 66 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,720 it had already become the voice of Britain. 67 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,480 A father figure, and a listen with mother. 68 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:50,120 A beating heart of British culture, and a cornerstone of our democracy. 69 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,240 A Great British institution. 70 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,640 UPBEAT PERCUSSION 71 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,760 This made the politicians and newspapermen puke. 72 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,880 They weren't as popular as the BBC, 73 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:05,480 so they claimed it was no longer in tune with the people. 74 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,520 It didn't scan. 75 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,600 And because Great British institutions 76 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,920 are no longer held in respect by young people... 77 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,160 ..they don't give much of a toss. 78 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:17,800 WOMAN: Did you like that tune? 79 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,800 WOMAN: Have you seen my napkin? 80 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,440 MAN: You took it with you to the lavatory. 81 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,200 Perhaps you left it in the lavatory. 82 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,600 I shall go and look in the lavatory 83 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,280 and see if my napkin is there. 84 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:50,360 And I shall play Schubert on the pianoforte. 85 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,360 PIANO MUSIC PLAYS 86 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,760 DOG BARKS 87 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,760 Hush, Napkin. 88 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,360 CAT MEOWS 89 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,360 Quiet, Lavatory. 90 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,440 John Reith also broadcast news and weather. 91 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,000 MAN: Here's the news. The weather is going to be bad. 92 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,560 And the King. 93 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,200 MAN: I am the King. 94 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,800 And instead of killing Germans after breakfast, 95 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,240 the Generals killed pheasants, 96 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,280 and left the BBC alone. 97 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,040 But then, everyone in Britain went on strike. 98 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,840 Except for the Generals, who didn't go on strike, 99 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,360 even though the General Strike was named after them. 100 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,680 Now Prime Minister Stanley Baldrick spoke on the BBC. 101 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,200 This is one of my little fireside chats. 102 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:46,320 This going-on-strike business is a silly business. 103 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,560 But Prime Minister Baldrick refused to allow 104 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,640 Labour Party leader Ronald McDonald 105 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,600 to speak on the BBC in support of the strike. 106 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,560 ROCK MUSIC PLAYS 107 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,880 Now John Reith made up his mind. 108 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:26,040 He wanted autonomy, so he wrote a song about it by the Buzzcocks. 109 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,600 110 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,960 Then he gave the British Broadcasting Company 111 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,600 a swanky new name... 112 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,080 ..and made himself Director General. 113 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,520 MAN: Jackanory, Jackanory. 114 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,480 On the other side of the world, a small boy had been abandoned 115 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,680 and raised by dingoes in an abandoned house. 116 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,560 And in the abandoned lavatory, 117 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,680 Raised By Dingoes discovered an abandoned wireless. 118 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,120 Now he heard human voices for the first time. 119 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,560 They were loud and violent. 120 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,920 What he didn't know was that these voices 121 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,840 were just Australians speaking normally. 122 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,480 MAN IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: If music be the food of love, play on! 123 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,080 And he called his wireless the Crapbox In The Crapper. 124 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,280 Sometimes these voices told the truth. 125 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,240 But Raised By Dingoes found the truth boring. 126 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,640 Mainly, they talked any old bollocks, 127 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,320 and this made him feel better about himself. 128 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,120 Now he saw his future. 129 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,280 He would gain acceptance in the world of humans by giving them 130 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,480 any old bollocks that made them feel better about themselves. 131 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,520 Jackanory. 132 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,520 John Reith now met another Scottish John. 133 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,040 His name was John Yogi Bear. 134 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,400 He had invented a wireless with pictures. 135 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,040 136 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,040 137 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,280 Inspired by John Yogi Bear's invention, 138 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,560 Reith declared that the future was the wireless with pictures. 139 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:14,560 In November 1936, the BBC broadcast its first television programme. 140 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,720 OPERA SINGING 141 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,080 But this programme was only seen by 400 households, 142 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,680 because the workers couldn't afford televisions. 143 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,360 So the workers became depressed. 144 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,200 And this became known as The Great Depression. 145 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:42,040 Now nobody had anything to do except listen to the King abdicate. 146 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,440 I am the King. 147 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,240 But I've fallen in love with a wicked American floozy. 148 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,920 But then something happened. 149 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,040 It was time for a Second World War. 150 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,800 Therefore I must tell you, that when you've finished your kippers 151 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,840 or your kedgeree, 152 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,160 you must kill all the Germans. 153 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,200 ALL: Hooray! 154 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,120 This was to be a people's war, 155 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,280 so the Conservatives were now replaced by a 156 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,320 government of national unity. 157 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,320 John Reith's mission to inform, educate and entertain 158 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,560 was now abandoned and Reith resigned. 159 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,160 The airwaves now belonged to cheeky chappies. 160 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,760 And butters our bread 161 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,480 And now he's dead 162 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,040 his head 163 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,840 Now the river runs red. 164 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,880 The BBC had scrapped television for the duration of the war. 165 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,800 It now used its wireless programmes to send coded messages 166 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,680 to agents in occupied Europe. 167 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,320 At nine o'clock this evening, 168 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,160 you must take your napkin to the lavatory. 169 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:03,680 Then it came up with a programme that was broadcast to Germany itself 170 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,160 that was so boring that millions of Germans instantly became dead. 171 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,280 The Archers! 172 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,680 After hearing Das Archers himself, 173 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,560 Hitler committed suicide. 174 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,600 GUNSHOT 175 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:26,480 And even though they'd been human and dancer, 176 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,560 they were killers. 177 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,880 And Britain was glad they were dead. 178 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,800 179 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,760 180 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,640 The BBC was now established. 181 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,920 Unlike any other broadcaster in the world, 182 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,200 it was cheap, cheerful, and not particularly cool. 183 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,200 But because it was fuelled by information, 184 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,720 it gave people the freedom to think about things 185 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,760 they'd never thought about before, 186 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,120 such as the danger of drugs. 187 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,880 Hello, Muffin. What's that package on your back? 188 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,480 Heroin? Silly me. You're a drug mule. 189 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,720 You bring drugs into the country for bad people. 190 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,400 And did the boy who was going to buy your drugs 191 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,480 try to swizzle you out of ten shillings and sixpence? 192 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,320 Did that led to a fight in which you trampled the boy to death? 193 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,720 What a naughty drug mule you are. 194 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,040 PIANO PLAYS 195 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,200 196 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,320 197 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,560 198 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,680 199 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,920 200 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,800 201 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:53,520 202 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,840 203 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,760 can be... 204 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,080 Britain now needed a boom in babies. 205 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,480 But because such things weren't talked about, 206 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,600 few people knew how babies were made. 207 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,920 How are babies made? Go to bed! 208 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,680 So the government asked the BBC 209 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,880 if it had any information on the subject. 210 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:20,360 And the BBC remembered it had a twin called David Attenborough. 211 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,480 He'd been born on the same day as the BBC himself, 212 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,320 because he must be 100 by now. 213 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:30,160 And he was fascinated by living creatures having sex. 214 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,480 So he showed the British people how to create a baby boom. 215 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:41,400 This spinster has dedicated herself to a life of learning 216 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,320 here at Cambridge University. 217 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,240 But now she's ready to mate. 218 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,800 And she's looking for a suitable partner. 219 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,720 Making a display of her brightly coloured things, 220 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:56,320 she immediately draws the attention of some fusty professors. 221 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,160 Mmm. Mmm. 222 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,760 But neither of these confirmed bachelors seem to cut the mustard. 223 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,280 She's found her match at last. 224 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,320 GRUNTING 225 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,440 It's all over for the other two. 226 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,480 They'll have to wait for another day. 227 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:27,720 Or perhaps continue their life as confirmed bachelors. 228 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,440 But for the happy couple, it's time to copulate 229 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,680 and produce a child that combines their love 230 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:37,480 of brightly coloured things and splendid vacuum cleaners. 231 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,680 But few could afford splendid vacuum cleaners, 232 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,720 because post-war Britain was poor. 233 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,920 And the once-great Britons were now a bit crap. 234 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,880 The BBC reflected these times by inspiring people 235 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,800 to make their once-great homes a bit crap. 236 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,960 I don't know whether you've got a problem like this, 237 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,680 a rather ugly old panel door. 238 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,360 It's one that can be solved quite simply. 239 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,520 You can make it look like this. 240 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:23,960 No-one was more inspired than a young boy. 241 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,680 His name was Anthony Wedgwood Blair. 242 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,920 As he watched Barry Bucknell, he realised something. 243 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,640 He could take something great and make it crap, 244 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,120 but more in tune with the times. 245 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,000 He now Barry Bucknelled his name to Tony Blair 246 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,480 and transformed himself into a regular guy with no soul, 247 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,280 like a plywood door panel, 248 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,920 and began to dream that one day he'd do the same to the Labour Party 249 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,240 and to Britain. 250 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,760 What he didn't dream was that he'd also become 251 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,960 best pals with Raised By Dingoes. 252 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,280 Jackanory, Jackanory. 253 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,440 In the abandoned house in the Outback, 254 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,960 young Raised By Dingoes had found some letters. 255 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,240 They spoke of love and morality and self-improvement. 256 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,480 Raised By Dingoes now realised something profound. 257 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,720 He could use these letters to wipe his arse. 258 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,880 The authors of these letters were Jason and Kylie. 259 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,400 They'd once lived in the house of dingoes, 260 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,600 and one day they spotted a backpacker. 261 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,280 He was from England on his gap year. 262 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,080 The young man now took a wireless from his backpack 263 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,280 and told them he was going to explain the world's problems 264 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,960 on the BBC. 265 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,680 And when he finally shut the fuck up, they asked him his name. 266 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,600 It was Richard Dimbleby. 267 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,200 It looks as though we've got about six places neck and neck. 268 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,840 Nobody knows who's going to be first, 269 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,520 but we're watching them with eagle eyes. 270 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,200 And here is our first result, it comes from Finchley in North London, 271 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,280 where the seat has been taken for the Conservatives by a lady. 272 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,960 Erm, a rather attractive lady by the look of it, called Thatch. 273 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,360 Where there is bread, may we bring butter. 274 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,560 Where there is mutton, may we bring Jeff. 275 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:10,040 Where there is tuppence, may we bring ha'penny. 276 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,440 And we have trapped Mr Jeremy Thorpe who won North Devon for the Liberals 277 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:17,800 and Polly Elwes is sitting with him in Exeter. Let us go over to them. 278 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:21,600 Now, let's look rather more at your own campaign, your own victory. 279 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:26,120 You're a bachelor and I'm told you have conducted a very gay campaign. 280 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:30,840 Erm, I think that people in Devon enjoy a little bit of gaiety, 281 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,480 but I think they feel that they have to know you first 282 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,560 before they'll stand much of it. 283 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,240 Now everyone in Britain could enjoy a bit of gaiety. 284 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:42,360 The new ITV seemed gayer than the BBC. 285 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,880 It financed its programmes with advertisements 286 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,720 for things people didn't need. 287 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,240 Why does he reject me? Because your bosoms smell! 288 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,920 But now there's a way to keep chest whiff at bay. 289 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,680 Smear your bra once a day with new Bravellous. 290 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,920 ITV made popular working-class programmes. 291 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:08,640 But the BBC didn't know anyone working class 292 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,000 because it was like a giant public school. 293 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,680 You should've been filming Z-Cars yesterday afternoon. 294 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,160 Why weren't you? 295 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,840 Sir, the cameraman, Mr Pilkington, said he would be away then, sir. 296 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,920 But he wasn't away, was he? He was on set all day. Yes, he was. 297 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:27,160 You're quite sure that you, erm, didn't miss it intentionally? 298 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,120 Because the BBC didn't know anyone working class, 299 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:33,560 it looked to the theatre, where a group called the Angry Young Men 300 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:37,080 had started to write plays about working-class life. 301 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,240 But the Angry Young Men weren't actually working class. 302 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,280 They just pretended to be. 303 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,920 And the liberal middle classes 304 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,080 didn't actually like the working class. 305 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:47,800 They just pretended to, 306 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:52,000 and bought expensive theatre tickets to watch them from a safe distance 307 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,640 and empathise with their ghastly lives. 308 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,680 Just as they do today. 309 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,560 The BBC now asked the Angry Young Men 310 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,360 to write Plays For Today. 311 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,840 Would you like one? 312 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,720 A cup, I mean, of tea. 313 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,360 I would. 314 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,160 I'll put it on, then. 315 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,200 The kettle, on the hob. 316 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,920 You don't... What? 317 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:26,360 ..have to make one. A cup, I mean, of tea. 318 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,680 It's no trouble. 319 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,160 But what then? 320 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,800 The teapot. 321 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,520 Shall I...? Would you like me to? 322 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,560 I'll get it myself, when I put it on. 323 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,880 The kettle, I mean. 324 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,600 On the hob. 325 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,240 For the tea. 326 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,200 For the tea. 327 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,480 Middle-class viewers thought Play For Today was frightfully good. 328 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,920 But it had been aimed at the working classes, 329 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,960 and they found it boring and turned over to ITV. 330 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,640 Fancy a cuppa? Aye, put t'kettle on, eh? 331 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,280 Pass us t'teapot, love. 332 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,480 Now everybody had a cup of tea. 333 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,880 And even though the government said they'd never had it so good, 334 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,760 they were still poor. 335 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,400 So the BBC gave children Blue Peter, 336 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,320 and taught them to make their very own crap toys. 337 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,600 But Blue Peter wasn't blue. 338 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,640 Val and Chris, and then John Noakes, were forbidden to swear. 339 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,680 So they couldn't say "Sellotape", 340 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,400 which in the '60s was a very bad word 341 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,600 and only tolerated post-watershed. 342 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,840 MAN ON TV: I'd like to kiss you and hug you until the end of time. 343 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,760 What would you like to do to me, Albert? 344 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:41,080 I'd like to Sellotape your mouth shut. Oh! 345 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,120 The watershed was nine o'clock. 346 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:46,640 It had been invented by BBC executive Ted Watershed, 347 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,640 which is why it's called the watershed and not just nine o'clock. 348 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,600 Ted Watershed insisted children should never hear the word 349 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,800 "Sellotape." So on Blue Peter, when Val and Chris, and then John Noakes, 350 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,720 made crap things, they said "sticky-backed plastic." 351 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,920 Sticky-backed plastic. Sticky-backed plastic. 352 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,920 Sticky-backed plastic. Sticky-backed plastic. 353 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,720 Sticky-backed plastic to go round the... 354 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,200 Sticky-backed plastic. 355 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:11,520 But children didn't know what sticky-backed plastic was, 356 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,680 and their Blue Peter toys fell apart. 357 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,360 Now Britain itself was falling apart. 358 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:26,560 And in 1964, there was a coup and the Beatles assumed power 359 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,720 and appointed Harold Wilson as Prime Minister. 360 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,280 And the BBC noticed that children were copying 361 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,120 the mop-topped musical junta 362 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,960 by growing their hair long and behaving like animals. 363 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,080 To frighten children into being good, 364 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,480 the BBC invented Doctor Who 365 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,800 and exposed them to really scary fluffy creatures 366 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:51,000 and terrifying slightly green painted man-eating bubble wrap. 367 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,920 Keep close, Suki. 368 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,560 This must be the way. 369 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,240 Doctor, watch out! 370 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,880 Exterminate! 371 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:12,480 Cut! DALEK VOICE: Have I got time to pop out for a fag? 372 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,120 Of course, yes. 373 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,920 BOY: I find it frightening. 374 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,360 I hide behind the sofa. So do I. 375 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,480 But at the time, most houses in Britain were small, 376 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,040 and sofas had to be positioned against a wall, 377 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,360 so were impossible to hide behind. 378 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,800 Which is how the BBC knew these children were lying. 379 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,040 They were taken to the Blue Peter garden 380 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,520 and exterminated. Exterminate! Exterminate! 381 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:51,040 In 1968, Europe was consumed by revolutions, 382 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:55,040 and the BBC now consumed itself and embraced Beatleism. 383 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,920 Exterminate! 384 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,880 All you squares out there, turn off now to avoid heart palpitations, 385 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,200 for this is Whizz Bang Pop. 386 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,640 What's your name, young lady, and who are you here to dig? 387 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,240 My name's Camilla Parker Bowles and I'm here to dig The Smooths. 388 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,360 Do you have a question for the boys? Yes, I do. 389 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:22,160 Why did you call yourself The Smooths? 390 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,200 Well, everyone drink a cup of tea, 391 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,000 we digs drinking a cup of cappuccino coffee 392 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,560 like an exotic foreigner and that's what makes us smooth, you dig? 393 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,360 SCREAMING 394 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,360 Take it away, guys. 395 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,000 with the smooth 396 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,880 397 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,720 with the smooth 398 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,920 399 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,760 400 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,520 Now Beatleism Britain was the envy of the world. 401 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:56,520 But there was a problem. Everyone in Britain wanted to be the Beatles, 402 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,680 but only four people could. 403 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,640 And this caused massive industrial unrest. 404 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,520 We demand to be the Beatles! 405 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:08,520 The strike spread from workers' legitimate demands to be the Beatles 406 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,680 to other grievances. 407 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,920 Now the might of the trade unions dominated every workplace, 408 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,760 including the BBC. And this nearly scuppered the recording 409 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,600 of the greatest tune ever written. 410 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,080 ORCHESTRA TUNING 411 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,040 The Greatest Tune Ever Written, take one. 412 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,440 Everybody out! 413 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,760 We can't have women playing on The Greatest Tune Ever Written. 414 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:45,200 Women are a menace. A bloody menace. I quite agree. 415 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,640 We give in to your trade union demands. 416 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,960 The Greatest Tune Ever Written, take two. 417 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,360 MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS 418 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,520 At the time, there was only one woman 419 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,880 believed to be working at the BBC - Joan Bakewell. 420 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,560 And they called her thinking man's crumpet. 421 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,880 Val from Blue Peter was also a woman, 422 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,720 but they didn't think of her as one. 423 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,440 They thought of her as a normal person and left her alone. 424 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,320 A decade later, they were joined by Sue Lawley. 425 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,400 This was still a traumatic event, 426 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,760 so they bet she went like the clappers in the sack. 427 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,440 Ten years later, they were joined by Lenny Henry's wife 428 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,680 and Adrian Edmondson's wife. 429 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,480 By then, the BBC was swarming with so many women 430 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,320 you could count them on the fingers of Moira Stuart's hand. 431 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,920 To congratulate itself on being so progressive, 432 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,360 the BBC gave them their own lavatory. 433 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,320 In the late '60s, the Beatles decided to replace 434 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,040 violence and strife with peace and love. 435 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,400 The solution lay in drugs. 436 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,200 So the BBC produced radical new dramas 437 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,480 which viewers could only endure if they were on drugs. 438 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,520 RINGING 439 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,480 Hello? You've got the wrong number. 440 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,600 This is haberdashery. You want cabinets on the third floor. 441 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,160 Excuse me, you're in my way. 442 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,760 This is my line, you see? 443 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,720 I'm sorry. Fee-fi-fo-fum. 444 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,000 I gobbled up a kipper and the war got won. 445 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,360 I'm Beelzebub. 446 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,360 And I'm Satan. 447 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,680 Here he is. Devils? 448 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,680 Silly Tarquin. They're just pretty names here in Gooplania. 449 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,720 Now even Doctor Who was on drugs. 450 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,200 Fuck it. 451 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,680 There was one man who preferred sailing to drugs. 452 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,720 His name was Ted Heath. 453 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:05,400 In 1970, he disbanded the Beatles on Disney 454 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:08,600 and formed a Conservative government with Rod Stewart. 455 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,240 And then went sailing. 456 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:13,080 457 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,040 And as he sailed towards France, 458 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,160 he thought of a new government policy. 459 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,040 Evening, all. 460 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,000 Now, it's not everyday you can say to yourself 461 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,120 a politician's got it right for a change. 462 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,840 But yesterday was one of them. 463 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,560 That's a very fine car you're driving. 464 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,920 I build them, Officer. 465 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:45,800 At Ford in Dagenham. 466 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,840 My shift starts in half an hour, so... 467 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,080 Well, hold your horses, sonny boy. 468 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,320 There's a new government policy. 469 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,320 And us coppers have been charged with issuing fellas like you 470 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,440 a voucher for your local sailing club. 471 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,400 Mr Heath wants fellas like you 472 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:10,600 off the reefers and out into the fresh air of the high seas. 473 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:14,120 Think I may be sailing round the world. 474 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:17,080 As long as I don't get stopped by the Royal Navy every five minutes. 475 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,120 HE LAUGHS 476 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,960 When Ted Heath arrived in France, 477 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,280 he asked a pretty young Frenchman at the bar 478 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,160 what the song was on the jukebox. 479 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:35,440 The pretty young Frenchman told Ted Heath it was Puppet On A String, 480 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:39,520 a song chosen by the BBC which had won the Eurovision Song Contest. 481 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:44,960 Ted Heath now learned that Britain was known as the sick man of Europe. 482 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,880 But now it had won the Eurovision Song Contest, 483 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,800 it was great again. 484 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:54,120 Ted Heath now sailed back to Britain deep in thought. 485 00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:57,600 And as he reached the Farrow and Ball Slightly Munge Cliffs of Dover, 486 00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,240 he made up his mind. 487 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,360 Britain would join the European Union 488 00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:05,600 and dominate it, as it dominated the Eurovision Song Contest. 489 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,000 Britain entered Europe in triumph, 490 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,800 and saved all its kisses for the Brotherhood Of Man. 491 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,000 492 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,560 But then something happened. 493 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,320 SCREAMING 494 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,560 The United Kingdom lost to the Netherlands. 495 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:23,520 496 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,440 Say good morning 497 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,440 498 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:29,480 499 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,480 500 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:34,920 Enraged, the miners went on strike. 501 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,680 And sitcoms featuring beating up Europeans 502 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,440 became hugely popular. 503 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,480 Ted Heath was now replaced by Labour. 504 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:45,520 505 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:47,520 506 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,840 But British workers were still furious, 507 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:53,400 and refused to stop making Austin Allegros. 508 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,680 The BBC now reflected the nation's determination 509 00:28:57,680 --> 00:28:59,760 to make poor-quality products 510 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,680 by spending several fivers on a production of a Star Trek rival. 511 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:12,600 Warning! Votron attack detected and communications intercepted. 512 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,400 Orders are to destroy our galaxy. 513 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:19,720 Hmm, if the Votrons succeed, this will mean the end of life on Earth. 514 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:22,720 We should probably do something about this. 515 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:24,680 Bucknell. Commandress. 516 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:27,000 Destroy the Votron attack force immediately. 517 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:31,040 Votron attack force destroyed. 518 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:33,080 That was a close shave. 519 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:37,960 something to say to you. 520 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:41,520 One afternoon in the late '70s, 521 00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:44,560 Thatch was walking home to Finchley from Parliament 522 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:47,160 because her Austin Allegro was fucked again. 523 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,440 As she reached the road to Damascus Gardens, 524 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,640 she saw, as if in a vision, 525 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,800 that Great Britain had become Little Britain. 526 00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:01,280 "You're the thick man of Europe," said Lou with an amusing lisp. 527 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,480 Thatch now told Little Britain it didn't have to be so negative. 528 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:08,480 It could have lovely thoughts. 529 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,520 And if it watched the BBC, 530 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,240 it would learn that it didn't matter if you were in a wheelchair. 531 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:16,960 Or quite large. 532 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,120 If your raincoat was filthy, 533 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:21,880 or you suffered from wrap-around cardigan syndrome. 534 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,600 You could be heroes. 535 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:29,000 "Don't want Allegros," said Andy. 536 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,120 "Want Nissan Bluebirds." 537 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,320 Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. 538 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:41,440 Where there is Marks, may we bring Spencer. 539 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,400 Where there is prawn, may we bring cocktails. 540 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:46,240 Pwoar. 541 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,720 Now Japanese carmakers flocked of seagulls to Britain 542 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,600 to make cars glued together with big boy's glue - 543 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,240 Nissan Bluebirds. 544 00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:00,480 And Bluebird Britain gave a fucks bizz about Europe. 545 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,160 It had made its mind up. 546 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,200 547 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:09,400 The BBC reflected Britain's new place in the sun 548 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,280 by making dramas even more glamorous than Dallas. 549 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:20,400 I thought I might find you here, Jan. 550 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,480 You're back earlier than expected. 551 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,800 The Jag ate up the M3. 552 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:26,840 I think I might have overtaken Jackie Stewart. 553 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,200 Never were a feminist, were you, Maurice? 554 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:35,000 And I don't intend to become one now. 555 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,160 How was your shopping trip to Harrods? 556 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,520 Calvin Klein's £60 richer, I'm afraid. 557 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,360 You're in a good mood. Penny for your thoughts? 558 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,200 I think you mean £5,000. 559 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,520 Go one. That's the investment I'll make in the boat yard 560 00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:56,680 when I win the race on Saturday. 561 00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,680 It's always when, never if, with you. 562 00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:04,120 Which is why you married me in June 1972 and not Roger de Beaufort. 563 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,160 And now I'll be able to build bigger boats in my boat yard 564 00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:11,520 than Roger can in his. 565 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,480 Champagne from France? 566 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,840 It seemed the BBC could do no wrong. But it could. 567 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:23,360 We all retain one piece of knowledge from high school days. 568 00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,720 Whilst most of our teachers were swell, 569 00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:27,920 there were some who lurked in our classrooms 570 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:30,720 who must be described thus. They are... 571 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:37,400 I find the big wide world a frightening place. 572 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:41,920 May I crawl back inside your womb, Mother? 573 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,320 My darling boy. 574 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,720 You can't call back inside my womb. 575 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,480 But you can go back to school 576 00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:55,520 and take out your inadequate wankiness on children. 577 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:57,160 Oh! 578 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,320 What wanker teachers don't realise 579 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,440 is that while they're belittling one child, 580 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,320 the other children are gobbing on their backs. 581 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,880 Because it was like a giant public school, 582 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,760 some wanker teachers ended up at the BBC by mistake. 583 00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,840 Chelsea-Arsenal for Match Of The Day. 584 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,600 You should've been filming it yesterday. 585 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:22,480 Yes, but I got the wrong division. 586 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,400 How do you mean you got the wrong division? 587 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,880 I filmed the Second Division, sir. Hull v Blackpool. 588 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:29,840 Yes, I see. 589 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:32,760 These wanker teachers now became political interviewers. 590 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,520 Do you know, since you raised interest rates, 591 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,760 other members of the Cabinet consider you to be royalty. 592 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,600 I don't know what you mean, Robin. 593 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,680 They call you the Cock-up King. 594 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,240 But ITV had a nice teacher. 595 00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:54,240 You're widely considered to be the most intelligent member 596 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:56,200 of the government. I suppose I am. 597 00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,960 And with that intelligence comes a humility. 598 00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:00,760 Yes, I am very humble. 599 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,120 Would a man of your intelligence and humility admit 600 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:07,880 that rising interest rates was the wrong thing to do? Yes, he would. 601 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,200 And has cost Britain thousands of jobs? Yes, it has. 602 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:15,640 And this decision was made by one man and one man alone? Me. 603 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:19,160 And even though the BBC had broadly reflected the Thatch project 604 00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,320 of turning ghastliness... 605 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:25,320 Oi, I want a word with you. Can't it wait? No, it can't. 606 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:27,080 What's that supposed to mean? 607 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:28,720 ..into sunshine... 608 00:34:28,720 --> 00:34:30,760 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Can I have a word with you, mate? 609 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,560 Oh, it can't wait, can it? 610 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:36,680 No, I'm afraid it can't. No worries. Come in, I'll get us a tinny. 611 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,280 ..Thatch herself was not immune from the wanker teachers. 612 00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:43,520 How would you answer those in Number Ten 613 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,080 who say that you are immune to Domestos? 614 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,400 Where there is confusion, may we hear clarity. 615 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:52,200 Domestos gets rid of bad smells that linger, 616 00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,040 and yet you're still here. 617 00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:58,320 Thatch misinterpreted the rudeness of BBC wanker interviewers 618 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:02,640 as political bias, and began a process that continues to this day 619 00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:06,560 of gobbing on the BBC's back. ..Cabinet members who are so... 620 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:10,240 The BBC caved in, stripped the wanker teachers of their bow ties 621 00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:11,880 and beat them to death. 622 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:15,760 And replaced them with David and Jonathan, 623 00:35:15,760 --> 00:35:17,400 The Dimbleby Brothers. 624 00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:18,760 625 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,480 626 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:27,320 two sides... 627 00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,960 But the powerful forces of the establishment 628 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,480 now smelt the BBC's blood. 629 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:36,040 They thought the BBC was worthy and superior. 630 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:38,640 They wanted to replace the freedom to think 631 00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:40,280 with the freedom to choose, 632 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:42,280 and to choose not to think. 633 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,680 But to turn over to other channels that were less worthy, 634 00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:47,320 and zone out. 635 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:51,440 636 00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:53,920 They now began to undermine the BBC, 637 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:56,920 hoping to confine it to the rubbish tip of history. 638 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,520 639 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:06,920 Raised By Dingoes had bought some newspapers in Britain 640 00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,680 which gave people a truth that was often bollocks 641 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,400 but made them feel better about themselves. 642 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,400 Now he turned to television, 643 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:16,480 and giving people so much bollocks 644 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,840 they wouldn't have to do anything with their days 645 00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:20,880 except watch bollocks. 646 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,000 He was ready to launch his crapbox. 647 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:31,880 You see that, Grandad? That there is the future. 648 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:35,600 Your state-of-the-art extra-terrestrial set-top telly box. 649 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:37,840 Oh. Complete with satellite dish extreme 650 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,480 picking up all the alien channels from outer space 651 00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:42,960 what up until now has only rumoured to have existed. 652 00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:48,760 And all inclusive and included for only 250 nicker. 653 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:52,160 That's a lot more than the BBC, Del Boy. 654 00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:55,520 And the BBC lob in your wireless for nothing. 655 00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,160 Oh, I should've pulled the plug out of your wireless years ago, 656 00:36:58,160 --> 00:36:59,800 you dipstick. 657 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,560 Look at all them history channels. 658 00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:05,560 They improve your bonce, Grandad. 659 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:08,040 I don't want to know about Hitler's dog. 660 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:11,200 Well, that is because you are determined to remain ignorant. 661 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,240 You're like that Phyllis Stein bird. 662 00:37:14,720 --> 00:37:16,800 Ooh, I like that film. 663 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,760 Oh, got to pay extra for that. 664 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:21,640 Oh, look. West Ham-Spurs. 665 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:23,960 Oh, you've got to pay extra for that, an' all. 666 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:26,760 You know what happens to plonkers like you, Grandad, 667 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:29,760 what stand in the way of scientific advancement? 668 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:32,000 No, what, Del? 669 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,360 Ooh, satellite tele. Lovely, Del. 670 00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:40,440 With crapbox competition, the BBC needed to remind people 671 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,160 of its founder John Reith's great mission. 672 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:44,960 673 00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,480 first time... 674 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,920 It now turned to a post-teenage thirtysomething 675 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:52,600 called Richard Curtis. 676 00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:56,480 He had written a funny sketch show called Not The Ted Watershed News, 677 00:37:56,480 --> 00:38:00,280 and a funny sitcom starring former Prime Minister Sir Stanley Baldrick. 678 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,960 Baldrick, what are you doing out there? 679 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:06,120 Don't worry, Mr B. I have a cunning plan. 680 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:12,600 Richard Curtis was sad emoji because of all the poverty in the world. 681 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:14,760 Now he heard the voice of John Reith. 682 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,680 He would help alleviate this poverty on the BBC 683 00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:21,480 by creating an exciting new day for children. 684 00:38:28,240 --> 00:38:30,760 THEY LAUGH 685 00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,160 With Comic Relief's help, Save The Children and Oxfam 686 00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:35,320 raised enough to buy a large fleet of trucks. 687 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,400 688 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:40,760 back to you... 689 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:44,720 I've always wanted to walk more like Liam Gallagher. 690 00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:48,240 Move your fucking arms, Sir Tony, you fucking twat! 691 00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:51,680 He's always telling me I mustn't give a toss. 692 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:54,240 I don't give a toss, I don't give a toss... Come on, Tony. 693 00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:57,240 You don't care, that's it. I don't give a toss. Yes, Tony! 694 00:38:57,240 --> 00:38:59,960 You got to say what you say... 695 00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:01,600 You see, I'm doing it! 696 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:03,640 Bruno Tonioli. Ten! 697 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:10,240 The BBC was living the Reithian dream. 698 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:12,440 The total is 4 million... 699 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:14,400 It had found its great mission. 700 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:20,240 Seizing the moment, it decided to get rid of communism. 701 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:25,520 The Berlin Wall had been built by the East German secret police. 702 00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:28,280 For years, they'd been bugging the BBC 703 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,800 and had learnt how to make walls from Blue Peter 704 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,160 with sticky-backed plastic. 705 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,560 And in 1989, the wall collapsed. 706 00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:40,760 But now a tidal wave of East European pop groups 707 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:42,520 overwhelmed Eurovision. 708 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:44,560 ELECTRO POP MUSIC PLAYS 709 00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,080 chatting 710 00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:53,960 711 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:56,120 chatting 712 00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:58,120 713 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,440 Thatch was furious. 714 00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:06,640 Where there is yes, 715 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,480 may we bring no. 716 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,520 But Eurovision defied her. 717 00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,640 And next year, Britain was defeated by Bulgaria. 718 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:16,600 Ha, ha, ha 719 00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:18,880 Ha, ha, ha 720 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:22,160 Because I hate you 721 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,400 722 00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:26,640 723 00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:29,800 724 00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:35,040 Thatch was forced out of Downing Street in tears. 725 00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:37,480 They were tears that cried her a river. 726 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,640 Three little fishes swam and swam right over the dam. 727 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:45,000 The new Prime Minister, Syd Little lookalike John Major, 728 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,000 set his specs on the BBC 729 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,360 and appointed a new man, Syd Little lookalike John Birt, 730 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:54,400 to make the BBC as efficient as Britain's newly privatised railways. 731 00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:00,240 The BBC was still run like a giant public school. 732 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,680 May I borrow your pencil, Whitehouse? 733 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,840 Of course, Hector. Topping. 734 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:08,200 Syd Little lookalike John Birt now split the BBC 735 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:10,720 into lots of little pretend private segments 736 00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:13,400 so it could pretend it was part of a market economy. 737 00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,400 Can I borrow your pencil, Mr Whitehouse? 738 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:17,320 You can't borrow it, Mr Enfield, 739 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:20,560 but you can lease it from my department, BBC Chuckles, 740 00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:22,880 upon signing the appropriate form. Mr Greenall? 741 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:27,760 You'll also need a form from BBC Pencils. Miss Cavaliero? 742 00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:31,240 And finally, one from BBC Borrowing Things. Mr Fisher? 743 00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:38,720 May I borrow your pen? You can't borrow it... 744 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:41,280 The politicians now used the BBC reforms 745 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:42,960 as a model for everything, 746 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:46,280 which is why all our public services are now so great. 747 00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:49,080 PANICKED BREATHING 748 00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,560 Ah! 749 00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,560 DOG BARKING 750 00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:58,920 Hi. 751 00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:58,920 MAN SCREAMS 752 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,040 But then something happened. 753 00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:05,600 After 18 years, the Labour Party was back in power. 754 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,240 Tony Blair had given Labour a makeover. 755 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:10,520 And now, Blair told the BBC 756 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,320 that everyone and everything should have a makeover. 757 00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:17,320 He's always the kind of soft gangster. 758 00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,280 But a moustache on a big man like him 759 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,960 should be incinerated and then shredded. 760 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,080 My God, is she getting it wrong now. 761 00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:29,880 And look at you. You know, he's quite sexy. Yeah, he is. 762 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,400 Now he's sort of... 763 00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,360 He's sort of catwalking. 764 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,240 We've put something back in their marriage. 765 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,480 Then Tony Blair gave the BBC a makeover itself. 766 00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:46,880 Inspired by Barry Bucknell's plywood door panel, 767 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:50,360 he made the BBC move from London's glamourpuss West End 768 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,280 to Salford near Manchester, 769 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,000 where it became bored shitless 770 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:56,480 because it kept on having to go on morning television. 771 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:04,160 With the BBC safely out of the way and bored shitless, 772 00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:06,920 Tony Blair entered into a marriage of convenience 773 00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:08,720 with Raised By Dingoes. 774 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:13,840 And this union was so confusing that everyone now decided 775 00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:16,320 they didn't give much of a shit about anything much. 776 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,120 Things that looked a bit shit might be supposed to look a bit shit. 777 00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:27,000 And you might look a bit shit if you didn't know that. 778 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,880 And most importantly, people who really did give a shit 779 00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:31,560 were completely shit. 780 00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:34,440 No-one encapsulated this giving-a-shit shittiness 781 00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:36,520 more than Richard Curtis. 782 00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:40,120 Now his film Love Actually was declared shit actually. 783 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,480 And love was actually declared shit. 784 00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,240 Curtis' age of optimism was now replaced 785 00:43:46,240 --> 00:43:49,480 with the age of coke hedonism, or post-modernism, 786 00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:52,040 and Ricky The Great. Obviously. 787 00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:56,120 For the previous two decades, 788 00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:59,120 blue-collar workers had aspired to being white-collar workers 789 00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:02,040 so they could look more like Spandau Ballet. 790 00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:03,720 Gold 791 00:44:03,720 --> 00:44:05,760 792 00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:07,960 But in White-Collar Workers Are A Bit Shit, 793 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:11,480 Ricky The Great exposed white-collar workers as a bit shit. 794 00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:13,680 And White-Collar Workers Are A Bit Shit 795 00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:17,320 was so funny that now everyone wanted to be a bit shit, 796 00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:19,560 even dead famous celebrities. 797 00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,440 So Ricky The Great made a new sitcom called 798 00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:25,400 Dead Famous Celebrities Are A Bit Shit. 799 00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:28,120 Ricky, I've just done a poo-poo in my panties, uh-huh. 800 00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,000 Disgusting. 801 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,040 FARTING 802 00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:34,000 Because Ricky The Great was so great, 803 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:38,800 Tony Blair got jealous and decided he had to something great himself. 804 00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,600 So he made Afghanistan and Iraq a bit shit. 805 00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,400 Are you a criminal? No. 806 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,320 You duped the United Nations, doesn't that make you a criminal? 807 00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:48,960 No, you BLEEP. 808 00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:52,200 Was it correct to go to war 809 00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:55,680 when there was no evidence at all to support your claim? 810 00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:58,320 Well, I, er... The Tony Blair I know, 811 00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:03,800 the deeply moral, deeply charismatic and sexually attractive Tony Blair, 812 00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:07,720 would only have one answer. You're right, Brian. I'm a BLEEP. 813 00:45:07,720 --> 00:45:10,840 War had damaged Britain's international reputation, 814 00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,720 but the BBC's reputation was still intact. 815 00:45:13,720 --> 00:45:16,960 It was admired around the world for its news reporting 816 00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:18,960 and it's period dramas. 817 00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:22,040 Mr Darcy, how lovely to see you. 818 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:24,760 Well, I wish I could return the compliment, Miss Bennett. 819 00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:27,600 But your father's a cretin, your mother a prattling windbag, 820 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,880 your sisters are daft and your bosoms smell. 821 00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:34,280 Good day to you. 822 00:45:36,880 --> 00:45:38,920 Don't worry about him. 823 00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:40,960 He's just shy. 824 00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:46,880 But now the BBC was to embark on its own war with ITV, 825 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,840 which had come up with a period drama 826 00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:50,920 with a modern, sensitive twist. 827 00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:53,600 HE CHUCKLES 828 00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:57,440 Oh, I do love Oscar Wilde, Carson. 829 00:45:57,440 --> 00:46:00,040 Such a shame he was sent to prison. 830 00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:03,200 I don't know why we don't just leave homosexuals alone. 831 00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:06,320 Perhaps one day they'll be able to hold hands in public 832 00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:08,840 after arranging to meet on portable telephones 833 00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:11,800 with bespoke applications for same-sex couples. 834 00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:14,560 If I may be so bold, your Lordship, 835 00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:18,080 that's remarkably forward thinking of you. 836 00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:22,040 Though what business your daughters had marching with Mrs Pankhurst, 837 00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:24,000 I do not know. 838 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:26,840 You're quite an opinionated little servant, aren't you, Carson? 839 00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:29,400 The BBC now fought back with violence. 840 00:46:29,400 --> 00:46:31,560 GUNSHOT 841 00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:33,880 We're Brummies with guns. 842 00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:36,000 And haircuts. 843 00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:37,520 We've come for your ratings. 844 00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:39,440 Our ratings are enormous. 845 00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:42,840 Why, this episode alone peaked at 14 million viewers. 846 00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:47,080 The peaky blinder and we're taking the lot, because we've got guns. 847 00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:48,880 And haircuts! 848 00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:53,920 Scrummies with guns. And haircuts! 849 00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:02,240 I don't like you, do I? 850 00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:05,320 But we do like you, doe eyes. 851 00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:18,840 Before modern medicine, leeches were attached to the human body 852 00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:22,040 to suck the illness out of the blood of the floundering patient. 853 00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:26,080 The modern leech is called a PR monkey. 854 00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:28,240 It attaches itself to the host 855 00:47:28,240 --> 00:47:31,360 which immediately begins to feel better about itself 856 00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,040 and becomes soppy. 857 00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,160 What the host doesn't know is that the PR monkey 858 00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:38,800 is sucking at its heart. 859 00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:42,960 The BBC claimed to have filmed the Queen 860 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:45,520 storming out of a photoshoot with Annie Leibovitz. 861 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:50,680 But even though Buckingham Palace has 775 rooms, 862 00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:52,520 it doesn't have a photoshoot room. 863 00:47:52,520 --> 00:47:54,560 So you have to storm about a bit 864 00:47:54,560 --> 00:47:56,560 before you bump into Annie Leibovitz. 865 00:47:58,120 --> 00:48:00,240 And this is what the Queen was doing. 866 00:48:01,680 --> 00:48:04,640 Now Raised By Dingoes suddenly forgot all the bollocks 867 00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:07,560 he'd printed about the Royal family in his newspapers 868 00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:11,080 and realised that the Queen was human and dancer, 869 00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:15,120 and what the BBC had done was a Phoebe Waller-Bridge too far. 870 00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:17,080 871 00:48:18,440 --> 00:48:20,280 872 00:48:21,880 --> 00:48:24,560 873 00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:27,600 874 00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:30,960 875 00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:32,720 The BBC now panicked. 876 00:48:32,720 --> 00:48:35,520 It exterminated its boss, Peter Flinchless. 877 00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:39,400 And sucked up to the new Prime Minister Dave 878 00:48:39,400 --> 00:48:42,520 by renaming its popular comedy channel Dave. 879 00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:44,280 880 00:48:44,280 --> 00:48:47,800 Prime Minister Dave was a hug-a-hoodie PR monkey. 881 00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:50,400 You're a political pipsqueak, aren't you, Dave? 882 00:48:53,240 --> 00:48:57,040 Dave now wondered if the BBC was less trustworthy and relevant 883 00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:59,360 than Raised By Dingoes' news. 884 00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:01,200 Ooh. 885 00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:03,640 So he asked some trendy PR monkeys 886 00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:06,440 to look into whether the BBC was still relevant. 887 00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:16,440 "What do we think about great institutions?", asked Windy Windbag. 888 00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:20,480 "They're not relevant, are they?", said Shoreditch. 889 00:49:20,480 --> 00:49:22,320 "Unlike us." 890 00:49:22,320 --> 00:49:25,360 "The BBC should be as relevant as us." 891 00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:27,600 "Well." 892 00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:30,600 So they told the BBC to become more relevant. 893 00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:32,400 To stop being a great actor... 894 00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:35,600 ..and become one of the guys. 895 00:49:35,600 --> 00:49:38,200 Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. 896 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:39,960 To replace meaning... 897 00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:44,160 ..with a state of nothingness. 898 00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:45,800 Hiya. Hiya. 899 00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,680 To make the interesting inclusive. 900 00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:54,360 It was just down to luck that I survived and Marie died. 901 00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:58,080 Paul Conroy, who very nearly lost his life in Syria. 902 00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:00,400 Have you very nearly lost your life? 903 00:50:00,400 --> 00:50:02,080 Or anything, for that matter? 904 00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:06,160 Perhaps your car keys, or your toothbrush before an important date. 905 00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:08,200 Email us here at Saturday li... 906 00:50:16,720 --> 00:50:19,520 "What about diversity?", said Windbag. 907 00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:23,800 "Yeah, where are all the people of colour?", said Shoreditch in a huff. 908 00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:27,120 "Oh, goodness me, yes," worried Windbag, 909 00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:28,840 looking around the office. 910 00:50:31,520 --> 00:50:34,480 "On the BBC?", said Shoreditch. 911 00:50:34,480 --> 00:50:37,000 "Oh, yeah," said Windbag. 912 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:38,680 "Yeah!" 913 00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:41,280 So they told the BBC it was time to reflect the lives 914 00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:44,880 of people of colour on programmes that weren't just EastEnders. 915 00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:47,280 I want a word with you. Can't it wait? 916 00:50:47,280 --> 00:50:49,720 No, it can't. What's that supposed to mean? 917 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,920 Isn't it amazing, sir, that someone from your heritage 918 00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:59,920 should rise to command one of Britain's nuclear submarines 919 00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:03,280 despite the pervasive underlying racism in British society. 920 00:51:03,280 --> 00:51:06,920 Not at all, Lieutenant. As a young Ford Dagenham factory worker, 921 00:51:06,920 --> 00:51:09,480 the pervasive underlying racism in British society 922 00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:11,280 led to me learning to sail. 923 00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:13,480 But then on the high seas I kept getting pulled over 924 00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:16,480 by the Royal Navy and one thing led to another. 925 00:51:16,480 --> 00:51:19,400 You're an inspiration, Commander. So are you, Lieutenant. 926 00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:21,240 We're role models to the youth. 927 00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:23,560 One day they'll live in a world like this 928 00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:28,320 without prejudice of class, creed, sexuality or race. 929 00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:30,600 Sir, we have confirmed reports 930 00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:32,480 that we are being followed by our enemies. 931 00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:34,720 The lousy Chinese or the mad North Koreans? 932 00:51:34,720 --> 00:51:38,480 Commander? Mm. A message has just come in from the BBC. 933 00:51:38,480 --> 00:51:40,880 A mixed message, sir. 934 00:51:40,880 --> 00:51:42,720 Up periscope. 935 00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:48,480 There's been another murder. 936 00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:50,720 Which is why I've been sent from Great Britain. 937 00:51:50,720 --> 00:51:52,680 I quite fancy him. 938 00:51:52,680 --> 00:51:56,440 And even though I have an amusing obsessive-compulsive disorder... 939 00:51:56,440 --> 00:51:58,080 Ah! 940 00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:00,600 I'm scared of mangoes. 941 00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:00,600 THEY LAUGH 942 00:52:02,240 --> 00:52:05,080 I do fancy him. 943 00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:07,680 I'll solve this murder because I'm not a jolly simple 944 00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:09,440 little island plonker like you lot. 945 00:52:09,440 --> 00:52:11,480 THEY LAUGH 946 00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:17,400 I hope my part gets more substantial in season 13. 947 00:52:18,440 --> 00:52:20,720 The more inclusive the BBC now became, 948 00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:23,920 the more it worried it wasn't being inclusive enough. 949 00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:26,240 It had seen what had happened to JK Rowling 950 00:52:26,240 --> 00:52:28,720 when she had opinionated on transitioning, 951 00:52:28,720 --> 00:52:30,640 and didn't want to get it wrong. 952 00:52:30,640 --> 00:52:34,520 So it put RuPaul's Drag Race on the front page of the iPlayer, 953 00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:37,640 and hoped that everyone would think it thought whatever it was 954 00:52:37,640 --> 00:52:40,120 that was right to think. 955 00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:43,040 Then it considered exterminating Richard Curtis. 956 00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:45,360 It worried his Vicar Of Wibbly Wobbly 957 00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:47,280 wasn't actually a woman, 958 00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:49,800 but Mrs Brown, who wasn't actually a woman. 959 00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:52,000 I've wet me knickers, ha, ha, he, he! 960 00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:56,000 But as usual, when Richard Curtis is involved, there was a happy ending. 961 00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:58,720 I'm not your mum. 962 00:52:58,720 --> 00:53:01,200 And I love your pretty dress. 963 00:53:09,400 --> 00:53:11,240 But then something happened. 964 00:53:11,240 --> 00:53:14,960 Britain got a new Prime Minister and his name was Porridge Johnson. 965 00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:18,320 Porridge Johnson had begun his career as Ian Richardson 966 00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:20,360 in House Of Cards. 967 00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:30,480 We haven't won Eurovision since Katrina And The Waves. 968 00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:33,320 Do I think it's time to leave Europe? 969 00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:35,760 I couldn't possibly comment. 970 00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:37,720 Oh, Porridge. Maddie. 971 00:53:37,720 --> 00:53:39,360 I'm so worried, Porridge. 972 00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:42,120 The editor of the newspaper I work for has got wind of your plans 973 00:53:42,120 --> 00:53:44,120 to trash Eurovision and leave Europe. 974 00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:46,280 But he says he'll spike the story if you come clean 975 00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:49,640 about having an affair with me. What shall we do? 976 00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:51,560 Oh, Maddie. 977 00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:53,720 Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. 978 00:53:55,920 --> 00:53:58,560 Come here, Maddie. 979 00:53:58,560 --> 00:54:00,440 I love you, Porridge. 980 00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:02,560 And I love you, Maddie. 981 00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:08,400 Porridge? 982 00:54:09,560 --> 00:54:12,840 Porridge?! Ah! 983 00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:17,720 THUD 984 00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:17,720 Hattie. 985 00:54:17,720 --> 00:54:19,520 Hattie, Hattie, Hattie. 986 00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:21,320 Come here, Hattie. 987 00:54:25,080 --> 00:54:27,640 I rather like this new look, don't you? 988 00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:29,360 Because he was easily bored, 989 00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:33,040 Porridge Johnson had stopped being Ian Richardson from House Of Cards 990 00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:35,240 and become Prime Minister. Ah! 991 00:54:37,600 --> 00:54:42,080 Prime Minister, did you just murder the tea lady? 992 00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:45,880 I-I think it's vital that, er, we move on 993 00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:51,760 from this amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amanty murdery ballyhoo 994 00:54:51,760 --> 00:54:56,680 a-a-and really focus on doing something important. 995 00:54:58,600 --> 00:55:01,200 Say that and see if it sticks. 996 00:55:01,200 --> 00:55:05,920 I don't condone murder, but your charming use of Latin and "ballyhoo" 997 00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:09,360 has left me nostalgic for the whimsical class divisions 998 00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:11,280 of PG Wodehouse. 999 00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:15,600 And I'd forgotten your homicidal idiosyncrasies already. 1000 00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:18,440 Bingo. Yes, Prime Minister. 1001 00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:21,400 Let's do something important. 1002 00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:27,200 Nadine was important, 1003 00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:31,040 so Porridge Johnson put her in charge of the BBC. 1004 00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:34,960 Nadine now told the BBC that because she'd eaten an ostrich's anus 1005 00:55:34,960 --> 00:55:37,200 on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 1006 00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:40,640 and been buried in maggots, she was more important than it. 1007 00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:43,680 She now told the BBC that it must reinvent itself 1008 00:55:43,680 --> 00:55:46,200 as a greater marvellous British minnow. 1009 00:55:46,200 --> 00:55:48,240 And just before he resigned, 1010 00:55:48,240 --> 00:55:50,520 Porridge Johnson forgot to tell Parliament 1011 00:55:50,520 --> 00:55:55,040 that he'd sold the BBC in what he said was a great deal for Britain. 1012 00:55:55,040 --> 00:55:59,600 It's new owner rebranded the BBC and put it on its streaming service, 1013 00:55:59,600 --> 00:56:01,960 if you scrolled down far enough. 1014 00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:04,840 Then Raised By Dingoes gobbled up the streaming service 1015 00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:09,440 and shat the BBC out, because he'd never liked it in the first place. 1016 00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:12,400 And that was the end of the BBC. 1017 00:56:12,400 --> 00:56:15,360 Now the British were free to watch any old bollocks 1018 00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:17,520 that made them feel better about themselves. 1019 00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:20,440 Oh, Britain's Fattest Families. 1020 00:56:20,440 --> 00:56:23,320 Celebrity Morons On Water Skis. 1021 00:56:23,320 --> 00:56:27,520 And most people returning from holiday that summer felt sad, 1022 00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:31,240 because there wasn't much in Britain left to believe in. 1023 00:56:31,240 --> 00:56:34,640 In life, loved ones can be annoying, irritating, 1024 00:56:34,640 --> 00:56:37,360 occasionally exasperating. 1025 00:56:37,360 --> 00:56:39,040 But after they die, 1026 00:56:39,040 --> 00:56:42,440 and grand things have been said about them at funerals, 1027 00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:44,480 it's the little things we miss. 1028 00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:51,960 Mr Mainwaring? 1029 00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:56,280 Mr Mainwaring? I'm meeting a young lady from Mancunia, Mr Mainwaring. 1030 00:56:56,280 --> 00:56:59,400 Now look here, Pike. There's no such place as Mancunia. 1031 00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:01,040 Do you understand? 1032 00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:04,080 That's strange, she told me she was Mancunian. 1033 00:57:06,440 --> 00:57:08,840 Hello! Stupid boy. 1034 00:57:08,840 --> 00:57:10,760 I've got you these. 1035 00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:12,320 They're flowers. 1036 00:57:16,240 --> 00:57:18,760 HE WHISTLES 1037 00:57:16,240 --> 00:57:18,760 Ah! 1038 00:57:18,760 --> 00:57:20,800 MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS 1039 00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:25,560 MAN: In March 2022, what was the average weekly total of people 1040 00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:27,240 who came to BBC News? 1041 00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:30,080 Five million. No, 438 million. 1042 00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:32,520 And at the end of the round, Mr Mainwaring, 1043 00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,560 you have scored no points. 1044 00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:42,960 Oh, we love tipping the hat. Super light, wonderful! 1045 00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:45,000 What a lovely day for the park 1046 00:57:45,000 --> 00:57:48,640 and pretending you like other people's weird-looking dogs. 1047 00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:51,040 Who's this lovely fellow? 1048 00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:53,480 He's called Munge. Munge! 1049 00:57:53,480 --> 00:57:55,880 Like the White Cliffs of Dover. 1050 00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:58,200 Oh, no, Michael. The White Cliffs of Dover are 1051 00:57:58,200 --> 00:57:59,760 Slightly Munge. 1052 00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:02,200 Oh, Christ. I've pissed off Dame Judi. 1053 00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:09,520 Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Michael Caine. 1054 00:58:09,520 --> 00:58:12,080 Hello, Sir Michael. Hello, Sir Michael. 1055 00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:16,160 Did you know, that the other day I went fishing 1056 00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:19,800 with them two bleeding jokers, Mortimer and Whitehouse. 1057 00:58:19,800 --> 00:58:22,320 And what will you fishing for? Don't tell him. 1058 00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:24,360 Pike! 1059 00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:28,880 BOTH: The lovely BBC 1060 00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:33,080 When we came home for tea 1061 00:58:33,080 --> 00:58:37,400 And Crimewatch with its crime 1062 00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:41,920 And the listen to Radio 3. 1063 00:58:41,920 --> 00:58:43,800 Come along, Candice Marie. 1064 00:58:54,880 --> 00:59:01,680 1065 00:59:01,680 --> 00:59:07,440 green? 1066 00:59:07,440 --> 00:59:13,600 1067 00:59:13,600 --> 00:59:19,960 seen? 1068 00:59:19,960 --> 00:59:26,080 1069 00:59:26,080 --> 00:59:32,400 hills? 1070 00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:38,720 1071 00:59:38,720 --> 00:59:45,200 Satanic mills? 1072 00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:53,960 Who are you? My name is Adam Adamant. Adam Adamant?