1
00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:09,000
[clanking]

2
00:00:09,083 --> 00:00:12,166
[gasps] Oh my God.
What's that? Is it a robber?

3
00:00:12,250 --> 00:00:13,541
Let's kill the motherfucker.

4
00:00:13,625 --> 00:00:17,291
Whoa. Okay.
I guess let's interrupt a home invasion.

5
00:00:17,375 --> 00:00:20,666
If the robber's handsome,
I'm gonna kiss him while he's dying.

6
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:24,875
Ooh, I can't wait to see
this asshole's skull explode.

7
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:25,833
Get him, Jessi.

8
00:00:25,916 --> 00:00:26,875
-Dad?
-Jessi.

9
00:00:26,958 --> 00:00:28,958
-What's going on?
-I totally forgot you were here.

10
00:00:29,041 --> 00:00:29,875
Oh, that's cool.

11
00:00:29,958 --> 00:00:32,125
I mean, I thought you were
with your mom this weekend.

12
00:00:32,208 --> 00:00:34,875
-Oh, Greg, let's go.
-Right. Um, Caitlin's water broke.

13
00:00:34,958 --> 00:00:36,750
-Really?
-She's going into labor early.

14
00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:38,791
Oh my God. Wow.
Should I get my coat? Let's go.

15
00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:40,500
Just call your mom to get you, Jelly Bean.

16
00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:43,333
-Oh.
-My God, we're having a baby!

17
00:00:43,416 --> 00:00:46,250
[laughs] They totally forgot you existed.

18
00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:48,708
-Montel.
-What? It's true.

19
00:00:48,791 --> 00:00:51,708
-Yes, but sometimes it's better to lie.
-Huh.

20
00:00:51,791 --> 00:00:56,791
Jessi, your dad still loves you
and remembers you exist.

21
00:00:56,875 --> 00:01:00,416
-Also, your boobs aren't lopsided.
-Um...

22
00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:02,625
The bigger one's probably just infected.

23
00:01:02,708 --> 00:01:04,875
Good lie, Montel.

24
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:12,916
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

25
00:01:16,750 --> 00:01:22,250
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

26
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,125
{\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪

27
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:29,583
{\an8}♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪

28
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,875
{\an8}-Whoa, that hair fork you got me...
-It's a brush, honey.

29
00:01:40,958 --> 00:01:43,791
{\an8}Well, whatever it's called,
it really works.

30
00:01:43,875 --> 00:01:46,166
{\an8}Check it out,
I look like a small-business owner.

31
00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:47,875
You look adorable.

32
00:01:47,958 --> 00:01:51,083
Now let's go. I'm craving
a strawberry poppy seed salad.

33
00:01:51,166 --> 00:01:53,750
Oh no, no, no, Matthew,
I can't go into Panera.

34
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,000
The Sorcerers of the Square Table
banished me.

35
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:59,416
Oh, come on. Those fucking losers
don't own this Panera.

36
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,833
-They barely own their own dignity.
-Hello, Jay.

37
00:02:01,916 --> 00:02:04,250
Oh, hello, Todd. You're looking well.

38
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:07,666
Hey. Hey, Matt, if you had to hook up
with one of these guys,

39
00:02:07,750 --> 00:02:08,625
which one would it be?

40
00:02:08,708 --> 00:02:10,208
Ugh, Maury, I'm not playing that game.

41
00:02:10,291 --> 00:02:12,833
For me, it would be
The Magnificent Gary, no doubt.

42
00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:16,958
I want him to tickle my colon
with that long fingernail.

43
00:02:17,041 --> 00:02:22,541
Ooh, so, uh, Todd, are you guys setting up
for an evening of amazement or something?

44
00:02:22,625 --> 00:02:26,541
[chuckles] Oh, we've been granted
a residency at this Panera.

45
00:02:26,625 --> 00:02:28,916
It's called AbraPanera Night.

46
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,625
Damn, that's a good name.

47
00:02:30,708 --> 00:02:31,958
Ladies and gentlemen.

48
00:02:32,041 --> 00:02:34,375
For our first magical feat...

49
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:38,958
We shall send The Magnificent Gary
to another dimension.

50
00:02:39,041 --> 00:02:40,833
The Bread Bowl Realm.

51
00:02:40,916 --> 00:02:42,416
[adventurous music plays]

52
00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:45,833
-Magic.
-Sex.

53
00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,583
And flatbread pizza.

54
00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:50,333
-AbraPanera.
-[applause]

55
00:02:50,416 --> 00:02:53,375
Well, now I'm jealous of Gary,
because he got the hell outta here.

56
00:02:53,458 --> 00:02:57,916
And now we shall return him
to this earthly fast-casual restaurant.

57
00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,125
Huh!

58
00:02:59,208 --> 00:03:00,875
Oh no. Oh no! Oh no!

59
00:03:00,958 --> 00:03:04,500
Only his finger
has returned from the Bread Bowl Realm.

60
00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:07,625
Oh shit. Gary's trapped between worlds.

61
00:03:07,708 --> 00:03:10,791
Oh, come on, Jay. None of this is real.
And these guys are fucking losers.

62
00:03:10,875 --> 00:03:13,458
Look, Todd is hyperventilating
into a bread bowl.

63
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:14,375
Oh.

64
00:03:14,458 --> 00:03:17,000
Well, 99% of his best friend
just disappeared.

65
00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:20,708
Okay, for just a second,
let's say Gary really is gone.

66
00:03:20,791 --> 00:03:21,833
-Who cares?
-But he...

67
00:03:21,916 --> 00:03:26,958
Trust me, these guys are sad dorks,
and you're better off without them, babe.

68
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,041
You're right.

69
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,833
I mean,
you were right about the hair fork.

70
00:03:29,916 --> 00:03:30,750
It's still a brush.

71
00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:32,833
So you must be right about the sorcerers.

72
00:03:32,916 --> 00:03:33,875
They're pedophiles.

73
00:03:34,958 --> 00:03:37,250
Oh, Bernie Sanders.

74
00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:41,166
You chewed up our heart
and spat it into the mouth of another man.

75
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,833
But at least my mom is home.

76
00:03:42,916 --> 00:03:45,375
Who cares?
They're fighting more than ever.

77
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:46,500
The peas are dry.

78
00:03:46,583 --> 00:03:48,041
The peas are peas, Marty.

79
00:03:48,125 --> 00:03:50,000
Make your own damn dinner
if you don't like it.

80
00:03:50,083 --> 00:03:51,958
That's exactly what I was doing

81
00:03:52,041 --> 00:03:54,166
when you went on your little "vacation."

82
00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:56,416
Oh, Daddy, why? Your words, they're bad.

83
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:57,500
Vacation?!

84
00:03:57,583 --> 00:04:00,625
You went flitting off to your sister's
to eat bonbons,

85
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:03,166
and you left me at home
with our depraved son.

86
00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:05,375
Well, he is the only reason I'm back.

87
00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:08,291
This is it, Flanny.
They're gonna get divorced, I know it.

88
00:04:08,375 --> 00:04:11,458
I'm gonna be a pitiful baby boy
from a broken home,

89
00:04:11,541 --> 00:04:14,375
selling my ass at gas stations.

90
00:04:14,458 --> 00:04:17,875
Stu, you're still on God's green earth.
Can't you do something?

91
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,000
[groans] I don't know, Flanny.

92
00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:23,458
I've been sharing a roof
with a sex freak all alone, Barbara.

93
00:04:23,541 --> 00:04:25,083
I don't feel safe in my own home.

94
00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:29,083
[sighs]
Broken-home sex-freak gas-station whore.

95
00:04:29,166 --> 00:04:30,875
Oh, that sounds like a Billy Joel lyric.

96
00:04:30,958 --> 00:04:32,875
Look at him, Stu. The boy's in pain.

97
00:04:32,958 --> 00:04:36,291
You've got to get your client
to show one iota of love.

98
00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:37,625
Do you think you can do it?

99
00:04:37,708 --> 00:04:39,750
[groans] Maybe.

100
00:04:39,833 --> 00:04:41,083
That's my guy.

101
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:43,291
-[Stu gasps]
-Look at you. You're a dynamo.

102
00:04:43,375 --> 00:04:47,208
I don't know, Flanny. He looks pretty,
you know, fucked up and weak.

103
00:04:47,291 --> 00:04:49,583
I know, but sometimes
it's just better to lie.

104
00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:51,500
That's not great.

105
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:53,333
{\an8}Oh, hey, Jelly Bean.

106
00:04:53,416 --> 00:04:54,750
Come meet Delilah.

107
00:04:54,833 --> 00:04:57,041
Oh my God. Delilah.

108
00:04:57,125 --> 00:04:58,583
They're so cute.

109
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:01,791
They opened me,
and they took a person out.

110
00:05:01,875 --> 00:05:03,250
Oh, Caitlin, are you okay?

111
00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:05,875
My organs were on a table next to me.

112
00:05:05,958 --> 00:05:08,583
She's still a little loopy
from the C-section drugs.

113
00:05:08,666 --> 00:05:11,375
But yeah, they did take out her guts,
and I did pass out.

114
00:05:11,458 --> 00:05:13,083
Of course he did.

115
00:05:13,166 --> 00:05:16,166
[in baby voice] Yes, I did.
Daddy fainted and hit his head real hard.

116
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:19,166
It's really cool to see you so happy, Dad.

117
00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:22,333
Thanks, Jess.
I'm gonna do it right this time.

118
00:05:22,416 --> 00:05:24,583
-Uh...
-The fuck does that mean, Greg?

119
00:05:24,666 --> 00:05:26,208
-[Delilah] Hey, Jessi.
-What?

120
00:05:26,291 --> 00:05:28,833
[Delilah]
Thanks for breaking in Daddy for me.

121
00:05:28,916 --> 00:05:30,208
Was that... the baby?

122
00:05:30,291 --> 00:05:31,666
Don't you just love her, Jess?

123
00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:34,750
[Delilah] Yeah, don't you just love me?

124
00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:37,208
Yeah, of course I do.

125
00:05:37,291 --> 00:05:40,875
It would be weird if I was, like,
afraid of a newborn, right? [chuckles]

126
00:05:40,958 --> 00:05:43,208
[Delilah] Oh, I'm not scary, Jessi.

127
00:05:43,291 --> 00:05:48,125
Now take me back to your house forever.

128
00:05:48,208 --> 00:05:50,000
[moans] Mm.

129
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,291
Warm.

130
00:05:51,375 --> 00:05:52,333
Whoa. Ah!

131
00:05:52,416 --> 00:05:53,875
Oh, mama.

132
00:05:53,958 --> 00:05:56,833
This is the gushiest wet dream
I've ever had.

133
00:05:56,916 --> 00:05:58,166
Oh, hold on, Andy.

134
00:05:58,250 --> 00:06:00,708
I'm afraid that is not a wet dream.

135
00:06:00,791 --> 00:06:01,833
Oh, is it blood?

136
00:06:01,916 --> 00:06:04,625
This here is
a classic after-hours piss party.

137
00:06:04,708 --> 00:06:07,125
And not the kind I used to go to
at Tommy Lee's house.

138
00:06:07,208 --> 00:06:08,083
Boy, those were fun.

139
00:06:08,166 --> 00:06:11,125
Oh no. I went pee-pee in my sleepy.

140
00:06:11,208 --> 00:06:13,125
Okay, don't try to make it cute, Andrew.

141
00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:15,458
You're 13. This is very sad.

142
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,125
Oh, but it rhymed.

143
00:06:17,208 --> 00:06:20,666
♪ Wake up, wake up, my sweet little dove ♪

144
00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:24,666
♪ It's time to greet Daddy
With bushels of love ♪

145
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:27,500
[gasps] Jesus Christ, Dad. What the hell?

146
00:06:27,583 --> 00:06:28,833
It's five in the morning.

147
00:06:28,916 --> 00:06:31,375
That's right, you little sheep fucker.

148
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,666
We're gonna start training today.

149
00:06:33,750 --> 00:06:36,875
We'll twist each other's nipplets
till the sun rises.

150
00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:39,375
-Are you insane?
-No, I'm revitalized.

151
00:06:39,458 --> 00:06:41,375
Ever since I punched
your grandfather in the face,

152
00:06:41,458 --> 00:06:43,416
I've felt so strong and powerful.

153
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,916
Good for you, but I'm going back to sleep.

154
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,750
Have fun squeezing Grandpa's old tits.

155
00:06:48,833 --> 00:06:51,208
Hey. I am not fucking around, Nicholas.

156
00:06:51,291 --> 00:06:52,750
-Fucking?
-Nicholas?!

157
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:53,916
You heard your dad.

158
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,041
[in Scottish accent]
Get your doaty ass out of bed.

159
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:59,208
-What is going on in here?
-The boy's being a right little shit.

160
00:06:59,291 --> 00:07:01,333
Elliot, what has gotten into you?

161
00:07:01,416 --> 00:07:03,458
He finally got his testicles back

162
00:07:03,541 --> 00:07:06,125
from the jar you've been keeping them in.

163
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:07,291
That's right, Diane.

164
00:07:07,375 --> 00:07:10,958
There's a new sheriff in town,
and he is tough on titties. Come on.

165
00:07:11,041 --> 00:07:13,000
Ow! Oh my God, what the fuck?

166
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:15,875
Okay, so I'm gonna throw
the pee-pee sheets in this big white box.

167
00:07:15,958 --> 00:07:17,708
-Right.
-And I press all the buttons.

168
00:07:17,791 --> 00:07:19,916
So you can wake up the lady
who lives in there

169
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,208
so that she can wash them.

170
00:07:21,291 --> 00:07:22,291
-Andrew!
-Dad!

171
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,041
Why are you touching an appliance?

172
00:07:24,125 --> 00:07:26,375
-I'm just, uh...
-Is that urine?

173
00:07:26,458 --> 00:07:28,166
Oh God, did you wet your bed?

174
00:07:28,250 --> 00:07:29,708
It's never happened before. I don't...

175
00:07:29,791 --> 00:07:32,541
Wait, is this a sad thing
or a pervert thing?

176
00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:34,583
What? Me? [chuckles] A pervert?

177
00:07:34,666 --> 00:07:36,041
Don't you try fooling me.

178
00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:39,291
I know all about golden showers,
you sicko.

179
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:40,416
What is going on out here?

180
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:41,666
Andrew pissed the bed

181
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:44,166
and ruined a good set
of bad Costco sheets.

182
00:07:44,250 --> 00:07:45,750
Well, if he's wetting the bed,

183
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,000
it's because of all the stress
you put him under.

184
00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:52,125
Me?! The kid's probably urinating
in his sleep because you left us.

185
00:07:52,208 --> 00:07:55,416
Oh no, Andrew,
they're dragging you into their argument.

186
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:56,666
It's coming.

187
00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:59,416
Ah, Jesus Christ. Not on the carpet.

188
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:00,958
-Oh God.
-Oh no.

189
00:08:01,041 --> 00:08:03,083
I'm gonna rub his face in it,
make him learn.

190
00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:05,083
-Marty, stop.
-Nah, you're right.

191
00:08:05,166 --> 00:08:08,416
He'd probably like that.
Wouldn't you, Mr. Peepee?

192
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,666
Oh, I can't stop it.

193
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:12,583
How do you have more piss to give?

194
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:15,666
I've never even seen you
take a sip of water.

195
00:08:15,750 --> 00:08:18,083
Uh, there's water in soda.

196
00:08:18,166 --> 00:08:20,083
He needs professional help, Marty.

197
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,416
Nope, no way. Sounds expensive.

198
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:24,166
[gasps] Come on, Marty.

199
00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:27,500
[gasps] Just try. For Barbara.

200
00:08:27,583 --> 00:08:31,375
Ugh! Fine, all right.
We'll fix your incontinent son.

201
00:08:31,458 --> 00:08:32,666
All right, Stu.

202
00:08:32,750 --> 00:08:33,750
[grunting]

203
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:35,000
Oh gosh.

204
00:08:35,708 --> 00:08:38,583
Oh, was Stu's brain always visible?

205
00:08:38,666 --> 00:08:40,333
-No, that's new.
-[Stu groaning]

206
00:08:40,416 --> 00:08:41,333
[bell rings]

207
00:08:41,416 --> 00:08:45,208
Oh, I can't wait
to smooch your nummy lips again, Elijah.

208
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:49,458
Move that kiss two feet south,
and we're off to the races. Mm!

209
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:50,541
Mm! Ah!

210
00:08:50,625 --> 00:08:51,833
Oh, Elijah. Hi.

211
00:08:51,916 --> 00:08:53,458
Oh, uh, hey, Missy.

212
00:08:53,541 --> 00:08:57,291
It was really fun,
uh, "talking" the other night.

213
00:08:57,375 --> 00:09:00,250
Yeah, I liked the, uh, words part too.

214
00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:02,583
Do you maybe wanna come over
this weekend for vegan pizza?

215
00:09:02,666 --> 00:09:04,625
And, um, I don't know. Dot, dot, dot?

216
00:09:04,708 --> 00:09:06,666
-Oh boy.
-The girl's insatiable.

217
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:08,500
Dots are suggestive.

218
00:09:08,583 --> 00:09:10,125
Uh, hey, guys. What do I say?

219
00:09:10,208 --> 00:09:12,125
I think you gotta tell her you're asexual.

220
00:09:12,208 --> 00:09:14,791
No. No way. She won't understand.

221
00:09:14,875 --> 00:09:15,875
Why not?

222
00:09:15,958 --> 00:09:19,333
Because people don't get asexuality, Joe.

223
00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:22,041
That's true. Humans can be close-minded.

224
00:09:22,125 --> 00:09:25,625
I'm telling you, Elijah,
sometimes it's better to lie.

225
00:09:25,708 --> 00:09:27,125
[sighs] Okay.

226
00:09:27,208 --> 00:09:28,500
Yeah, pizza would be great.

227
00:09:28,583 --> 00:09:30,583
That's a dot-dot date.

228
00:09:30,666 --> 00:09:34,083
So, after some light wrestling
and a lot of crying,

229
00:09:34,166 --> 00:09:36,708
my dad got the diaper on me,
and here we are.

230
00:09:36,791 --> 00:09:37,791
[yawns]

231
00:09:37,875 --> 00:09:40,375
I don't even have the energy
to make fun of you.

232
00:09:40,458 --> 00:09:41,625
I've been up since five

233
00:09:41,708 --> 00:09:45,500
getting my nipples pinched
by two male members of my family.

234
00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:48,250
Oh, our parents are so fucked up.

235
00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:51,083
[sleepily] It's honestly a miracle
that we're so well-adjusted.

236
00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,875
Anyway, I gotta change my diapey
before homeroom.

237
00:09:53,958 --> 00:09:54,958
This one's a soaker.

238
00:09:55,041 --> 00:09:58,250
I'm sorry, babe.
You said this is called a "canopener"?

239
00:09:58,333 --> 00:10:01,000
Yeah, you don't even
have to use your teeth at all.

240
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:02,833
-Magic.
-Sex.

241
00:10:02,916 --> 00:10:04,625
And flatbread pizza.

242
00:10:04,708 --> 00:10:08,625
Whoa! I'm so, um... not amazed.

243
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,916
Or erect, for that matter.

244
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,750
Jay, we've yet to find
The Magnificent Gary,

245
00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:16,666
so we'd like to offer you his place
in The Square.

246
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,333
Sweet shit on a hotplate! Are you serious?

247
00:10:19,416 --> 00:10:21,500
Uh, babe, I can't believe
I even have to say this,

248
00:10:21,583 --> 00:10:22,750
but that offer sucks.

249
00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:24,666
Interesting angle.

250
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:26,416
You don't wanna be the new Gary.

251
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,416
Gary is just a finger now.

252
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,375
-Well, Jay?
-Uh...

253
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:32,000
Do you want back in?

254
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:33,875
No, of course, he doesn't.

255
00:10:33,958 --> 00:10:35,916
And you creeps
should not be allowed in the school.

256
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,791
[sighs] Gentlemen, I'm afraid I must pass.

257
00:10:38,875 --> 00:10:39,750
Jay.

258
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:42,041
For, you see, I am no longer a magician.

259
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:44,500
I am now a fancy gay boyfriend

260
00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:49,625
who knows about exotic kitchen tools
like canopeners. Heard of it?

261
00:10:49,708 --> 00:10:50,666
Wow, Jay.

262
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,500
I always thought you'd die alone
like the rest of us.

263
00:10:53,583 --> 00:10:55,833
Abra-ca-devastated.

264
00:10:56,541 --> 00:11:00,541
Congratulations, Matthew.
You've done the impossible.

265
00:11:00,625 --> 00:11:02,916
You actually tamed Jay Bilzerian.

266
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,208
What? No, I'm not trying to tame him.

267
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:07,166
Yeah, he's making me better.

268
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,208
I want to be domesticated.

269
00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:11,500
Ooh. Let's not say domesticated.

270
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:14,208
I don't wanna do cool things, or be free,

271
00:11:14,291 --> 00:11:18,250
or run nude in the woods
until I lose consciousness for days.

272
00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:21,208
-Uh, Jay, back that up.
-I'm not a wolf anymore, Jessi.

273
00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:24,583
I'm a swan. Dinner party swan.
[imitates swan call]

274
00:11:24,666 --> 00:11:25,916
Oh God, Matthew.

275
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,416
You've made a wolf think
he wants to be a swan.

276
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:30,916
-It's unnatural.
-[sighs] I know.

277
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,500
Hey, babe, look. I used the canopener.

278
00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:36,750
And I'm thinking
I might heat these lentils up

279
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:40,000
and pour them into a bowel.

280
00:11:40,083 --> 00:11:40,916
[Matthew] Uh...

281
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,083
Oh, hey, Jess. Come hold Delilah.

282
00:11:45,166 --> 00:11:46,416
Oh, that's okay.

283
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,583
My hands
are still covered in school bus, so...

284
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,166
-Oh, okay. Here we are.
-[Delilah cries]

285
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:53,541
Damn, the second you touched
that little shit machine, it went crazy.

286
00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:55,958
Connie, could you help, please?
What do I do?

287
00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:58,958
Uh, you could cover its nose
and its mouth at the same time?

288
00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:00,833
[Delilah] It's over for you, bitch.

289
00:12:00,916 --> 00:12:02,166
-What did you say?
-Oh shit.

290
00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:03,625
The baby said, "Bitch."

291
00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:07,500
[Delilah] This is my family now,
and I don't want a bitch sister.

292
00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:09,666
Jessi, this baby's the devil.

293
00:12:09,750 --> 00:12:10,875
Here, Dad, just take it.

294
00:12:10,958 --> 00:12:13,458
-What? You don't wanna...
-Just take the baby, please.

295
00:12:13,541 --> 00:12:15,500
-But...
-Whoa. Are you okay, Jess?

296
00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:17,208
[Delilah] Yeah, Jess, you okay?

297
00:12:17,291 --> 00:12:19,916
You okay with me stealing your family?

298
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,458
I gotta leave. Right now.

299
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,000
[Delilah] Fuck you, Jessi.

300
00:12:23,083 --> 00:12:25,375
You shut the fuck up, Beelzel-baby.

301
00:12:25,458 --> 00:12:28,166
-The power of Connie compels you.
-[giggles]

302
00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:31,375
Andrew, why don't you
tell the doctor what's wrong?

303
00:12:31,458 --> 00:12:35,666
[clears throat] Well, Your Honor,
I cannot stop pee-peeing in my pants.

304
00:12:35,750 --> 00:12:38,375
-She's not a judge, you idiot.
-Stop yelling at him.

305
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,541
You're gonna make him
urinate himself again.

306
00:12:40,625 --> 00:12:43,500
Andrew, may I ask,
when did this issue start?

307
00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:45,625
Well, things have been tough at home.

308
00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:48,500
-His father makes him very anxious.
-I do not.

309
00:12:48,583 --> 00:12:52,083
His mother abandoning us
is what makes the kid anxious.

310
00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:53,166
Goddamn it, Marty.

311
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,625
You never let me speak. That's why I left.

312
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:58,416
Oh, please. You don't know why you left.

313
00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:01,500
Marty, you seem
to be carrying a lot of anger.

314
00:13:01,583 --> 00:13:03,125
[laughs] You think?

315
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:05,916
He also has big problems
expressing his feelings.

316
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,250
Unless they're negative.

317
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,166
Also, his nuts.

318
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:11,416
Andrew, tell her about his nuts,
for they are just too big.

319
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,583
Okay, that's it.
I'm not paying $300 an hour

320
00:13:14,666 --> 00:13:17,333
to hear how I've supposedly wronged
all you people.

321
00:13:17,416 --> 00:13:19,583
See? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

322
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,083
He is impossible to talk to.

323
00:13:21,166 --> 00:13:22,083
I don't need this.

324
00:13:22,166 --> 00:13:23,625
Please, stay.

325
00:13:23,708 --> 00:13:26,666
This could be our last chance. [coughs]

326
00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:29,375
All right, fine. You win.

327
00:13:29,458 --> 00:13:31,125
I'm gonna do therapy.

328
00:13:31,208 --> 00:13:32,541
-Okay, then.
-Oh, thank God.

329
00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:34,458
Your father is finally going to open up.

330
00:13:34,541 --> 00:13:37,791
Yeah, but do we really wanna see
what's inside?

331
00:13:37,875 --> 00:13:39,375
It's all balls, Andrew.

332
00:13:39,458 --> 00:13:42,250
It's all balls and balls-related material.

333
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:45,583
Okay. So, when Missy goes to kiss you,
what are you gonna say?

334
00:13:45,666 --> 00:13:48,333
I'm sorry, Missy. I wanna kiss you so bad,

335
00:13:48,416 --> 00:13:50,750
but I ate some mud,
and now I have four canker sores?

336
00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:52,750
It's the perfect lie.

337
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:55,583
Who would say they ate mud
if they didn't eat mud?

338
00:13:55,666 --> 00:13:57,583
I don't know, guys.

339
00:13:57,666 --> 00:13:59,750
What if you just told her
what's going on with you?

340
00:13:59,833 --> 00:14:02,625
But I have no idea
how to talk to Missy about that.

341
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:04,791
You just need to tell her
you don't wanna kiss again.

342
00:14:04,875 --> 00:14:06,875
But what if Missy
doesn't wanna date him anymore?

343
00:14:06,958 --> 00:14:08,708
Exactly. And I really like her.

344
00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:11,666
Plus, the girl's
an out-of-control masturbator.

345
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:14,083
I mean,
you think asexuality's gonna make sense

346
00:14:14,166 --> 00:14:16,500
to someone
who can't stop flicking her own bean?

347
00:14:16,583 --> 00:14:18,000
I don't know what that means.

348
00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:19,375
Yeah, another time.

349
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,500
Elijah, Missy will get it.

350
00:14:21,583 --> 00:14:24,250
You guys get each other.
It's why you're so good together.

351
00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:25,166
Joe's right.

352
00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:27,458
I'm just gonna rip off the Band-Aid
and tell Missy

353
00:14:27,958 --> 00:14:28,875
I'm asexual.

354
00:14:28,958 --> 00:14:30,666
Wait, wait, wait. I got a better idea.

355
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:34,000
You accuse her of eating a bunch of mud.
It's brilliant.

356
00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:36,125
-You say you can smell it on her breath.
-Gil.

357
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:40,333
I just feel like there's something there
with the mud.

358
00:14:40,416 --> 00:14:41,583
[Leah] This is spooky.

359
00:14:41,666 --> 00:14:43,583
Dad has never been late for dinner.

360
00:14:43,666 --> 00:14:46,416
Yeah, he's usually here waiting
to welcome us into the dining room,

361
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,708
like a weird butler.

362
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:49,625
Fuck. I am starving. Let's eat.

363
00:14:49,708 --> 00:14:51,750
You're not gonna give your usual toast?

364
00:14:51,833 --> 00:14:55,083
About how our love nurtures your body
more than food ever could?

365
00:14:55,166 --> 00:14:56,750
No more toasts, Diane.

366
00:14:56,833 --> 00:14:59,541
That was Soft Daddy. I am Hard Daddy now.

367
00:14:59,625 --> 00:15:00,708
Don't love that name.

368
00:15:00,791 --> 00:15:03,250
And Hard Daddy
has a very exciting announcement.

369
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:06,375
I'm getting back
into professional nipple-twisting.

370
00:15:06,458 --> 00:15:07,333
-What?
-Oh God.

371
00:15:07,416 --> 00:15:09,500
-No.
-Let yer dad speak.

372
00:15:09,583 --> 00:15:13,833
Weekends will be spent traveling
to twisting tournaments as a family.

373
00:15:13,916 --> 00:15:16,333
-Elliot, I...
-Diane, I am not finished.

374
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:17,666
Hard Daddy has the floor.

375
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,125
Stop calling yourself that.

376
00:15:19,208 --> 00:15:20,666
Now I will have nipple friends.

377
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:23,416
Strange men coming by the house
to grab my breasts.

378
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:26,000
-Nice.
-And Nicky will be training with me

379
00:15:26,083 --> 00:15:27,666
until he's ready to compete himself.

380
00:15:27,750 --> 00:15:29,250
-What?
-It'll take a while.

381
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:31,875
The boy's teats are as soft as peaches.

382
00:15:31,958 --> 00:15:33,583
Ow! Mom.

383
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:36,916
Elliot, this is not how we make decisions
in this house.

384
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,375
We talk about things,
and then decide together.

385
00:15:39,458 --> 00:15:41,875
No. That's not how we'd do it.

386
00:15:41,958 --> 00:15:45,041
We'd talk about things
and then do whatever you wanted,

387
00:15:45,125 --> 00:15:48,666
and then I would eat you out
for upwards of three hours.

388
00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:52,458
But now, everyone in this family
can suck my dick.

389
00:15:52,541 --> 00:15:56,000
-[gasps]
-Go ahead, Nick. Suck Dad's dick.

390
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:58,000
I gotta get the fuck to college.

391
00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,833
So, Marty, tell me.

392
00:15:59,916 --> 00:16:02,250
What do you think
the problem is with your marriage?

393
00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:04,875
It's simple. Barbara's changed.

394
00:16:04,958 --> 00:16:07,583
Ever since she decided to go full Jew,

395
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:10,333
nothing's good enough for her anymore.

396
00:16:10,416 --> 00:16:13,833
And now our son is leaking
like an unplugged mini fridge.

397
00:16:13,916 --> 00:16:16,666
Oh, good, I was hoping
he'd drag me back into it.

398
00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:18,291
That's not true, Marty.

399
00:16:18,375 --> 00:16:20,875
-You're the one who changed first.
-Bull crap.

400
00:16:20,958 --> 00:16:23,458
You think I would've married
this version of you?

401
00:16:23,541 --> 00:16:25,250
You used to be sweet.

402
00:16:25,958 --> 00:16:28,291
-You used to be thoughtful.
-Go to her.

403
00:16:28,375 --> 00:16:30,041
She's someone special.

404
00:16:30,125 --> 00:16:31,500
Oh, it's okay.

405
00:16:31,583 --> 00:16:33,500
It's all right. It's just a fender bender.

406
00:16:33,583 --> 00:16:35,666
[Barbara] You used to surprise me.

407
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:38,000
Oh, what's this for, Marty?

408
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:39,458
Because I love ya.

409
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:43,750
Well, I love you
in those spicy little corduroys.

410
00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:46,666
[Barbara] You even used to woo me.

411
00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:50,625
Mm, Barbara, my egg roll
is ready to be crisped in the oven.

412
00:16:50,708 --> 00:16:52,541
Oh, Marty.

413
00:16:52,625 --> 00:16:54,166
[both moaning]

414
00:16:54,708 --> 00:16:58,208
I can't believe it.
Marty Glouberman was a romantic?

415
00:16:58,291 --> 00:16:59,333
Incredible.

416
00:16:59,416 --> 00:17:02,875
And how did he stuff his giant balls
into those Daisy Dukes?

417
00:17:02,958 --> 00:17:04,583
Or is it David Dukes?

418
00:17:04,666 --> 00:17:06,166
No, no, no, that can't be right.

419
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:10,291
Thank you for sharing
those beautiful memories, Barbara.

420
00:17:10,375 --> 00:17:14,083
You see, Marty,
love needs to be nurtured to stay alive.

421
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,833
Marty, why did you
stop nurturing our love?

422
00:17:16,916 --> 00:17:18,625
Because we're grownups.

423
00:17:18,708 --> 00:17:21,291
I shouldn't have to woo you anymore.

424
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,333
We're married for Chrissake.

425
00:17:23,416 --> 00:17:25,750
I've made a living. I've been faithful.

426
00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:28,000
I've tolerated your deranged son.

427
00:17:28,083 --> 00:17:30,458
And suddenly, after 20 years,

428
00:17:30,541 --> 00:17:34,125
you decide that what we have
is no good anymore?

429
00:17:34,208 --> 00:17:36,666
No, Marty, you take me for granted.

430
00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:41,208
And I've actually been unhappy
for a very long time.

431
00:17:41,291 --> 00:17:42,333
Since when?

432
00:17:42,416 --> 00:17:45,958
Which season of the show?
Season 3? Season 2?

433
00:17:46,041 --> 00:17:48,125
Since... the pilot.

434
00:17:48,208 --> 00:17:50,375
[gasps] The very first episode?

435
00:17:50,458 --> 00:17:53,541
Oh no. My penis is crying again.

436
00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:56,458
-Oh dear.
-Permission to adjourn, Your Honor?

437
00:17:56,541 --> 00:17:59,625
-[Delilah crying]
-Oh.

438
00:17:59,708 --> 00:18:01,333
[Delilah] Jessi.

439
00:18:01,416 --> 00:18:02,916
-Jessi.
-Shh. Please.

440
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,333
[Delilah] You know love is finite, right?

441
00:18:06,416 --> 00:18:09,833
-Stop it.
-[Delilah] And I'm gonna take all of it.

442
00:18:09,916 --> 00:18:11,875
Yum, yum, yum.

443
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,291
-Just stop it, Delilah.
-[crying]

444
00:18:13,375 --> 00:18:16,208
Jess, yelling at the baby
isn't gonna help.

445
00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:19,250
-We've already tried that.
-Ugh, we can't seem to settle her down.

446
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:21,000
That's because it's a rotten baby.

447
00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:22,416
-Jessi.
-You heard me.

448
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,583
You got a bad baby. Real bad.

449
00:18:24,666 --> 00:18:27,166
I wish it was otherwise,
but it's a shitty baby.

450
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,083
If I were you,
I'd give it to someone you hate.

451
00:18:29,166 --> 00:18:31,583
-Jessi, that's enough. Go to your room.
-[sobs]

452
00:18:31,666 --> 00:18:34,000
[chuckles] Okay.
You're suddenly a dad now?

453
00:18:34,083 --> 00:18:37,125
I am serious, young lady. Go. Right now.

454
00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:39,625
[Delilah] It's all happening, Jessi.

455
00:18:39,708 --> 00:18:42,541
-I'm so adorable and full of potential.
-[sighs]

456
00:18:42,625 --> 00:18:45,375
[Delilah]
I shit my pants and they just cheer me on.

457
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:49,166
Would they cheer for you
if you shit your pants, Jessi?

458
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:50,250
Would they?

459
00:18:50,333 --> 00:18:51,583
No. No, they wouldn't.

460
00:18:51,666 --> 00:18:53,541
[Delilah cackles]

461
00:18:56,875 --> 00:18:57,875
[Nick] Hey, Mom?

462
00:18:57,958 --> 00:18:59,791
Yeah? Oh, hi, Nicky.

463
00:18:59,875 --> 00:19:02,500
Um, what are we gonna do about Hard Daddy?

464
00:19:02,583 --> 00:19:06,250
I don't know if you've noticed,
but he's kind of fucking terrible.

465
00:19:06,333 --> 00:19:09,875
Yeah, I, uh... I have no ideas.

466
00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:12,958
Oh, Rick, this is all my fault.

467
00:19:13,041 --> 00:19:15,708
Now I have a hard daddy and a soft mommy.

468
00:19:15,791 --> 00:19:18,791
And a medium rare hormone monster.

469
00:19:18,875 --> 00:19:21,625
What, like brown on the outside
and pink in the middle?

470
00:19:21,708 --> 00:19:24,541
Oh, looks like someone's seen my butthole.

471
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:26,708
You show it to me every night
before I go to bed.

472
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,500
It's cute. It's our ritual.

473
00:19:29,583 --> 00:19:31,583
[groaning]

474
00:19:33,166 --> 00:19:34,250
[classical music plays]

475
00:19:34,333 --> 00:19:35,833
[Matthew humming]

476
00:19:40,083 --> 00:19:41,583
-[Jay] Hey, Matthew.
-[gasps]

477
00:19:41,666 --> 00:19:43,250
[imitating swan calls]

478
00:19:43,333 --> 00:19:45,791
Check it out. I'm a swan now too.

479
00:19:45,875 --> 00:19:48,458
No, Jay, you're not supposed to be a swan.

480
00:19:48,541 --> 00:19:49,958
You're a wolf. A good wolf.

481
00:19:50,041 --> 00:19:52,166
Nah, being a wolf sucks.

482
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:53,958
Let's ballet, bitches.

483
00:19:54,041 --> 00:19:54,958
[imitates swan call]

484
00:19:55,041 --> 00:19:56,083
Jay, no.

485
00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:57,916
[grunts] Oh shit.

486
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:01,333
I'm sinking. Save me,
swan brothers and sisters.

487
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,666
Pietro. Alessandro.

488
00:20:03,750 --> 00:20:05,375
Not Mr. Feathers.

489
00:20:05,458 --> 00:20:06,708
[squawking]

490
00:20:06,791 --> 00:20:08,833
Are you happy now, Matthew?

491
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,708
[panting]

492
00:20:10,791 --> 00:20:12,625
Maury, Jessi was right.

493
00:20:12,708 --> 00:20:14,625
I've totally domesticated Jay.

494
00:20:14,708 --> 00:20:16,666
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this, Matt,

495
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:21,500
but you might need to set
that big, bad, beautiful wolf free.

496
00:20:21,583 --> 00:20:23,541
[groans] But I don't want to.

497
00:20:23,625 --> 00:20:25,833
Well, Mr. Feathers didn't wanna die

498
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:29,208
but he needed to
so that you might have this revelation.

499
00:20:29,708 --> 00:20:32,666
And we thank Mr. Feathers
for his sacrifice.

500
00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:34,041
[Missy] So...

501
00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:37,083
-I have a mouth, and you have a mouth.
-Yeah.

502
00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:40,875
What should we do
with our two mouths that we both have?

503
00:20:40,958 --> 00:20:43,916
Have an honest conversation
about why you don't wanna make out?

504
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,000
Tell a mud-based lie and run?

505
00:20:46,083 --> 00:20:48,333
Why isn't he making a move, Mona?

506
00:20:48,416 --> 00:20:50,333
Do I have Impossible Sausage breath?

507
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,416
Who cares? French the boy.

508
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:55,833
Get his impossible sausage on your breath.

509
00:20:55,916 --> 00:20:57,083
Yeah, okay.

510
00:20:57,833 --> 00:20:59,625
-Oh, I...
-Oh, I'm sorry.

511
00:20:59,708 --> 00:21:01,000
-Did I...
-No, it's me.

512
00:21:01,083 --> 00:21:01,916
-I...
-I'm sorry.

513
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:06,208
-Tell her. She'll understand.
-No, she'll dump you. Lie.

514
00:21:06,291 --> 00:21:08,291
What the fuck is going on,
you two wankers?

515
00:21:08,375 --> 00:21:10,416
-Uh, I ate mud.
-Yeah, yeah. Uh, we both ate mud.

516
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,916
-We ate a bunch of mud out of the ground.
-Ugh.

517
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,000
I'm sorry, Missy. I... I gotta go.

518
00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:16,666
Wait, why? Talk to me.

519
00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:18,166
I'm sorry. I just can't.

520
00:21:18,666 --> 00:21:19,875
Oh, Mona.

521
00:21:19,958 --> 00:21:23,708
Elijah obviously thinks
I'm ugly and gross and unkissable.

522
00:21:23,791 --> 00:21:27,041
Oh, to be so horny, but so unlovable.

523
00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:28,791
It's truly Shakespearean, darling.

524
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:30,666
Things were so much simpler

525
00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:33,250
back when I just had a crush
on Nathan Fillion.

526
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:36,708
The, uh, Caucasian gentleman
who's the same age as your dad?

527
00:21:36,791 --> 00:21:40,958
Oh, look at you, Nathan,
you magnificent lion of a man.

528
00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:44,166
I bet you never craved someone
who didn't crave you back.

529
00:21:44,250 --> 00:21:46,166
Well, actually, Missy,

530
00:21:46,250 --> 00:21:47,666
you're 100% right.

531
00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:49,958
I haven't known an empty bed since B.F.

532
00:21:50,041 --> 00:21:52,083
-That's Before Firefly.
-Before Firefly?

533
00:21:52,166 --> 00:21:53,166
Yeah, I know.

534
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:55,625
Oh, Missy, I hate to see you so forlorn.

535
00:21:55,708 --> 00:21:57,833
Would you like me to pull aside
the collar of my shirt

536
00:21:57,916 --> 00:21:59,333
so you can see my bare shoulder?

537
00:21:59,416 --> 00:22:00,250
Yes, please.

538
00:22:00,333 --> 00:22:01,166
Ah!

539
00:22:01,250 --> 00:22:04,166
-There it is, a little bit of Nathan meat.
-Thank you.

540
00:22:04,250 --> 00:22:05,708
Une filet du Fillion.

541
00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:09,958
-So, I was reading the local paper today...
-I'm sorry. You were reading?

542
00:22:10,041 --> 00:22:13,041
There's an estate sale
we simply must check out.

543
00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:15,333
Are you in the market
for a French country hutch?

544
00:22:15,416 --> 00:22:18,208
The boy wants to go antiquing, Matt.

545
00:22:18,291 --> 00:22:20,916
You've gotta release him
back into the wild.

546
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,083
I know.

547
00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:24,791
But maybe we should get
a little more info on this hutch first?

548
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:27,125
-Matt.
-Okay, you're right.

549
00:22:27,208 --> 00:22:28,166
[groans]

550
00:22:28,250 --> 00:22:30,916
-Listen, Jay.
-Matthew, please. Call me Jaynathan.

551
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:31,875
I can't.

552
00:22:31,958 --> 00:22:34,708
And as much as we like each other,

553
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:39,041
I'm afraid a wolf and a swan
just aren't meant to be together.

554
00:22:39,125 --> 00:22:42,000
Uh, duh. That's why
I'm changing myself completely.

555
00:22:42,083 --> 00:22:45,708
Right, but you shouldn't have to.
It's not fair.

556
00:22:45,791 --> 00:22:47,166
But I'm having a great time.

557
00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:50,125
You're Liberace. I'm Matt Damon. Groom me.

558
00:22:50,208 --> 00:22:52,041
Jay watched Behind the Candelabra?

559
00:22:52,125 --> 00:22:54,250
Oh God, this is worse than I thought.

560
00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:56,625
Maury, what do I do?
He doesn't want to be free.

561
00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:59,458
[sighs] Sometimes it's better to lie.

562
00:22:59,541 --> 00:23:01,125
Right. [sighs]

563
00:23:01,208 --> 00:23:05,083
The thing is, Jay,
I don't like you anymore.

564
00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:07,166
What? I don't believe you.

565
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:10,083
You're just doing
what Nicole Kidman did to Ewan McGregor.

566
00:23:10,166 --> 00:23:13,583
Oh, Jesus, he watched Moulin Rouge too?

567
00:23:13,666 --> 00:23:16,375
This is the gayest breakup I've ever seen.

568
00:23:16,458 --> 00:23:18,583
I don't like you.

569
00:23:18,666 --> 00:23:20,041
-That's not true.
-It is.

570
00:23:20,125 --> 00:23:22,541
-I don't like that you fuck pillows.
-I don't anymore.

571
00:23:22,625 --> 00:23:26,041
-I don't like that you're a wolf.
-I'm not. I'm a swan now, remember?

572
00:23:26,125 --> 00:23:27,041
[imitates swan call]

573
00:23:27,125 --> 00:23:30,875
And most of all,
I don't like that you're a magician.

574
00:23:30,958 --> 00:23:33,791
But that's the thing.
I'm not a magician anymore.

575
00:23:33,875 --> 00:23:37,458
No, you'll always be a magician.
It's in your bones.

576
00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:39,583
So? I'll take out my bones,

577
00:23:39,666 --> 00:23:42,250
and you can wrap me around your neck
like a pashmina.

578
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:43,958
I'll keep your neck warm.

579
00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:48,750
Oh, goddamn it, Matt.
Put this beautiful boy out of his misery.

580
00:23:48,833 --> 00:23:52,000
Jay, it's over. Now get.

581
00:23:52,083 --> 00:23:53,708
-What?
-You heard me. Go on. Get.

582
00:23:53,791 --> 00:23:54,875
No, please.

583
00:23:54,958 --> 00:23:57,333
Get. Get out of here, you. Get.

584
00:23:57,416 --> 00:24:00,000
Go on, now.
Back into the woods where you belong.

585
00:24:00,083 --> 00:24:01,000
Matthew!

586
00:24:01,083 --> 00:24:03,000
I said... get.

587
00:24:03,083 --> 00:24:04,625
[weeping]

588
00:24:04,708 --> 00:24:06,333
[screams]

589
00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:11,416
Devastated wolf!

590
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:13,333
Devastated swan.

591
00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:18,583
Andrew, I hate to say it,

592
00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:22,083
but I don't think your father
has what it takes to save this marriage.

593
00:24:22,166 --> 00:24:24,791
[groans]
I wish there was something I could do.

594
00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:29,166
But I'm just a helpless boy
in a very wet adult diaper.

595
00:24:29,875 --> 00:24:32,416
♪ Helpless ♪

596
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:36,875
♪ To control the shitty things
Your parents do ♪

597
00:24:36,958 --> 00:24:39,375
♪ Helpless ♪

598
00:24:39,458 --> 00:24:43,666
♪ To bring back
The gentle dad that you once knew ♪

599
00:24:43,750 --> 00:24:46,250
♪ Helpless ♪

600
00:24:46,333 --> 00:24:50,625
♪ When you realize
You're too hideous to be kissed ♪

601
00:24:50,708 --> 00:24:53,125
♪ Helpless ♪

602
00:24:53,208 --> 00:25:00,208
♪ To revive the love
You never knew you missed ♪

603
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:04,125
♪ Joy is fleeting, love's a lie ♪

604
00:25:04,208 --> 00:25:07,541
♪ The world is cruel, we're born to die ♪

605
00:25:07,625 --> 00:25:14,625
♪ If only there was something
You could do ♪

606
00:25:15,125 --> 00:25:20,000
♪ But you're so helpless ♪

607
00:25:20,083 --> 00:25:24,375
I wish my dad
could stop being such an asshole.

608
00:25:24,458 --> 00:25:26,708
I wish I had my parents back.

609
00:25:26,791 --> 00:25:29,375
I wish I was irresistible.

610
00:25:29,458 --> 00:25:34,750
I wish my dad loved me
the way he loves that stupid baby.

611
00:25:34,833 --> 00:25:37,791
I wish I wasn't me.

612
00:25:37,875 --> 00:25:40,500
[howls]

613
00:25:41,833 --> 00:25:43,833
[cries]

614
00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:52,500
[sad music plays]