1
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,560
- Yes. Come and dance with me.
- I'm fucking hot.
2
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:13,680
- Come on.
- I'm too hot.
3
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,696
- Before you're too pissed to stand.
- Fuck's sake.
4
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:16,840
Please! Come on.
5
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,120
We can tango.
6
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,560
Oh, God! Come on!
7
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:23,760
Yeah!
8
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:32,680
Yes!
9
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,200
He didn't drop me!
10
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:42,960
Cheers!
11
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,560
Come on, then.
12
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:52,960
Yeah.
13
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:55,880
Oh...
14
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:57,760
Here.
15
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:01,800
Yeah.
16
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,400
Whose is that?
17
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,600
Brandy's breakfast, innit?
18
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:10,600
Come on.
19
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:12,560
Come here.
20
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,600
Good girl.
21
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:21,040
Another day. Gotta keep it together.
22
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,640
Face the world.
23
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,960
Just to let you know,
I got the flat share.
24
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,840
Oh... Good.
25
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,520
- So, the bath did the trick, didn't it?
- Who'd have thought it?
26
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,600
Maybe wash again someday.
Sky's the limit.
27
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,240
My life's finally on the up.
28
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,120
It's given me a new sense of confidence
if I'm honest.
29
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,400
Not much, but... it helps.
30
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,520
Oh, yeah. Who's that bird
I saw you with the other day?
31
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,160
Coming out of 'ere. Lovely sort.
32
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,760
- What bird?
- Blond. Really tasty.
33
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,280
Not yours, is she?
34
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,400
Oh. No.
35
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:57,800
Roxy.
36
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,320
Do you mind if I have a punt?
37
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,880
Don't get as much action
as you might think.
38
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,400
- I'll put in a word.
- Well, don't big me up too much,
39
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,200
she'll be pretty disappointed as it is.
You know, if anything, downplay it.
40
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,320
- Downplay you?
- Yeah.
41
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:12,800
How would that go?
42
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,040
Dunno. What d'you think?
43
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,280
I'd have to say,
44
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,120
"He looks like summat
police would drag out of a river."
45
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,440
Yeah, but not the posh bit of a river.
46
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,800
You know, something near a sewage works
or something.
47
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,080
Any mail?
48
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:30,400
No, don't think so.
49
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,560
Good. Cheers.
50
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,400
Ta-ra. See ya, mate.
51
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,200
Sorry about the...
thing with the meditation.
52
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,720
- He knows it wasn't your fault.
- Yeah.
53
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,200
It was his. For being an annoying prick.
54
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,120
Listen, Tony,
had you been drinking before that?
55
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,920
No. I had to have a little one after
to calm down.
56
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,000
- But...
- Right.
57
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,200
- And that was his fault too, I imagine?
- No.
58
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,120
Not just his.
Most things are a good excuse for a drink.
59
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,960
I've always got drunk,
but I used to drink when I was happy,
60
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,600
and... that was all right,
61
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,680
but now I drink when I'm sad,
and that's not so good 'cause it...
62
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,160
happens more often
and a little bit earlier.
63
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:30,880
Just stop, then.
64
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,456
- Brilliant!
- Come on, it's serious.
65
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,600
If you've got a problem,
you should go to AA, or rehab, or...
66
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:38,680
Why?
67
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,280
To get better.
68
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:42,880
Drinking isn't my illness, is it?
69
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,360
- Well, no, but it's bad for you.
- Everything's bad for you.
70
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:46,480
We're all dying.
71
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,280
Being healthy is just dying more slowly,
so...
72
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,280
OK, so... you'll live longer.
73
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:52,560
Yeah, but why?
74
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,520
What do you mean, "Why?" So you can do
more of the things that you enjoy.
75
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,200
I enjoy a drink.
76
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,160
- Right.
- All drunks hurt themselves.
77
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,001
Just the trick is to be a good drunk
and not hurt other people, but...
78
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,560
But that, though, Tony,
you calling yourself a drunk...
79
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,480
Only half the time. But, you know,
whatever... you want to label it,
80
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,320
I drink in times of trouble.
81
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,456
It's not my fault
the world's full of trouble, is it?
82
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,360
It's... it's an 'orrible place.
83
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,000
Everyone's screwed up in some way.
This is mine.
84
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,880
Everyone's got worries, like...
85
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,640
I dunno, money, or health, or famine, war.
86
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,640
We're chimps
with brains the size of planets.
87
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:30,280
No wonder we fucking get drunk
and try and kill each other. It's mental.
88
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:32,840
Always good to talk.
89
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:35,680
- Hiya.
- Hey.
90
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,160
- All right?
- Having a chat?
91
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,560
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
92
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,320
I was just explaining
my new plan is to drink myself to death
93
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,280
until I eventually implode in
on my own evolution.
94
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,200
Do you believe in all that?
95
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,240
Wh... what, the proven fact
that is evolution? Yeah.
96
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,920
That's just the problem, isn't it?
Your science only deals with facts.
97
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,920
- I'm a more open-minded type.
- Good.
98
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,120
- Love anything paranormal.
- Do ya?
99
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,880
Mm. Past lives. Telepathy.
100
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,160
Got a little bit of that myself, actually.
101
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,440
- Have ya?
- Mm.
102
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,120
Do you know how you know
when an angel's entered the room?
103
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:10,560
- So...
- Sorry,
104
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,720
are you going to carry on talking to me?
105
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,400
A sort of cinnamony smell.
106
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,360
- Childish.
- Hold on.
107
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,680
Has an angel just entered the room?
108
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,240
Oh, no, you're eating a bun.
109
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:42,640
So...
110
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,400
me being zen
111
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,000
didn't completely work out.
112
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,000
- No?
- No.
113
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,880
I went along
to the meditation thing, um...
114
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,120
but the guy was so annoying!
115
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,120
I ended up shouting at him
and storming out.
116
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,840
- How was he annoying?
- In every way.
117
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,080
Just slurping and sniffing.
118
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,960
- Oh, and doing that thing.
- What?
119
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,200
Oh!
120
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,680
- Exactly!
- Ah...
121
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,360
What did you shout?
122
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,760
I think I called him
"a snot-curdling cunt."
123
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,840
Yeah.
124
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:16,760
Oh, dear.
125
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,240
I went home, got drunk,
126
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,600
and watched videos of Lisa.
127
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,560
Do you know the fable
of the frog and the scorpion?
128
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,640
No.
129
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,200
Well, this scorpion wants
to get across the river.
130
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,800
So he asks the frog
if he'll give him a lift
131
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,480
on his back,
and the frog says, "No. You'd sting me."
132
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,160
And the scorpion says, "Why would
I do that? Then we'd both drown."
133
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:47,000
And so the frog said,
"Oh, yes, that's true. OK."
134
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:51,000
So halfway across the river,
the scorpion stings the frog.
135
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:53,440
And the frog says,
136
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,040
"Now we're both going to die.
Why did you sting me?"
137
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,840
And the scorpion says,
138
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,160
"Because I'm a scorpion."
139
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:02,920
Mm-hmm.
140
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,800
Yeah...
141
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,760
Yeah, I guess I can't change my nature.
142
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:10,920
No, you're the frog.
143
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:12,840
- The frog?
- Yes.
144
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:13,920
Really? Why?
145
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,520
Well, you knew you wouldn't enjoy
that meditation thing
146
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,560
but you went anyway
to please someone else.
147
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,520
And then you got angry,
148
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,480
and you even feel bad about that.
149
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:24,800
You're the frog.
150
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:26,360
Right.
151
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,600
Sensitive.
152
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,040
And trusting.
153
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:30,600
Nothing to do with the shape?
154
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,880
Or the throat?
155
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,080
Oh... the frog?
156
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,416
- I was hoping I was the scorpion.
- Yeah, I thought you would.
157
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,440
- Know what I mean?
- Yes.
158
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,440
Only 'cause it's cooler. I love frogs.
159
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,920
But what I mean is
no one ever says, "Oh, I'd like a man.
160
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,320
I'd like him to be
sort of podgy and sticky."
161
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:51,880
Fair.
162
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,560
"I'd like him to be able
to hang onto a leaf."
163
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,400
"I'd like my man to be able
164
00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,160
to shove a worm into his mouth
with his front feet."
165
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:05,760
Everyone? Yeah, this is June's son, James.
166
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,920
- Your son now, innit?
- No, he's not.
167
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,000
Um, he's starting work experience today.
168
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,960
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey.
169
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,680
Be good. Do what you're told.
Come here. Don't be too annoying.
170
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:17,640
Look at this.
171
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,560
- Give us a kiss.
- Bloody hell, Mum!
172
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,616
- Right, see you later.
- See you later.
173
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,520
- Come on, you.
- OK. Bye.
174
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,920
Probably get on your nerves.
Got a good heart, though.
175
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,240
- OK.
- Well, not literally.
176
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,160
He's obese,
so all his insides are pretty bad.
177
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,200
Tragedy waiting to happen.
Well, he's got a terrible diet.
178
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,480
He's not had a poo for a week.
179
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,440
It's typical, that, though.
180
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,200
When he does go,
you can hear him all over the house,
181
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,560
in agony, screaming.
182
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,200
I say, "It's your own fault,
eat some bloody fruit!" But he won't.
183
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,080
I think that's how he'll die.
184
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:54,280
On the loo.
You know, like, straining, heart attack,
185
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,560
stroke, or something.
186
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:57,680
Like Elvis.
187
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,120
But without all the exciting stuff
Elvis did beforehand, you know?
188
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,400
Mm-hmm.
189
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,400
See you later.
190
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,856
All right. You probably should
start reading the paper.
191
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,600
- Why?
- Well, you're working here.
192
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,120
- I guess.
- James?
193
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,800
- Hi. Matt Braden, I'm the editor.
- Hi.
194
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,960
- Hi, Matt. Nice to meet you.
- You too.
195
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,240
This lot'll show you how it all works,
but if you've got any questions, just...
196
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,320
- Yeah, are we covering the am-dram?
- The...?
197
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,520
- What's that?
- I'm part of an amateur dramatics society,
198
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,160
we rehearse at the community hall.
199
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,440
It's brilliant, you know.
We do acting classes, dance.
200
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:32,600
You dance, do you?
201
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,160
Yeah, big time.
202
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:35,840
Dance, sing,
203
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,720
act, juggle...
I'm an all-round package, you know?
204
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,800
Mm.
205
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,880
Why don't you go and make some teas
for everyone?
206
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,760
- It's a good place to start, innit?
- OK. Um...
207
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,880
- Who wants tea?
- Nah.
208
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,240
I'm all right, thank you.
209
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,736
- No one wants tea.
- I'll have a tea.
210
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,280
- Oh, OK.
- Over there.
211
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:53,360
Sure.
212
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,320
- You seem happy having a family.
- Yeah.
213
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,000
It's about time I settled down.
214
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,680
With one woman!
215
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,280
Was you a bit of a ladies' man?
216
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,240
Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah.
217
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,560
- Right.
- Yeah.
218
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,120
See, I was a late starter,
so I had a lot of catching up to do.
219
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,920
You know, I didn't really start
playing the field till my 20s.
220
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,400
Oh. OK.
221
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:20,160
Yeah, I was quite shy in my teens.
I wasn't always this cool, I guess.
222
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,240
- No?
- No. I...
223
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,440
- I used to be sort of odd-looking.
- Fuck me!
224
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,600
- What did you used to look like?
- I dunno,
225
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,976
but I remember The Ugly Duckling
being quite inspirational.
226
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,600
Is that the one
where there's a weird little duckling
227
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,240
and all the other ducks
are taking the piss out of it,
228
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,760
but then when it grows up, it's not a duck
at all, it's, like, a big...
229
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,680
200-pound sort of human slug
230
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,760
that works in a local free newspaper?
231
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,840
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Yeah.
232
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,680
Play the field... Fuckin' hell!
233
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,920
Um... I'd like to cover the am-dram,
if that's all right?
234
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,480
- Yeah. We should all go and have a look.
- Ooh...
235
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,200
- bis-quits!
- Definitely.
236
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,080
Bloody hell, I'm knackered.
237
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,040
- All right?
- All right.
238
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,280
Whoa, who's this?
239
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:04,920
Hi, I'm James.
240
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,480
- You should help Brian with the papers.
- That's not really my thing.
241
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,320
Well, you're meant to do
a bit of everything.
242
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,120
- Bloody hell, all right, Dad!
- No, I'm not.
243
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,520
Hey! Come on. I could do with a hand.
My back's killing me.
244
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,680
All right,
but I've got to be at rehearsals by five.
245
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,800
- Rehearsals for what?
- My am-dram group.
246
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,360
Can I join?
247
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,200
Yeah.
Anyone can join if they have the talent.
248
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,360
Bingo!
249
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,440
- Oh.
- Ha.
250
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,680
- What do you do?
- What don't I do?
251
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,480
I'm a puppeteer.
252
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,120
- Oh.
- I... I write jokes.
253
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,360
Check this out...
254
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,200
All right, Valerie?
255
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,120
Yep.
256
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,400
What's gray and comes in pints?
257
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,680
- Dunno.
- Elephant.
258
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,200
You're soaked!
259
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,320
- You're disgusting!
- Oh, really?
260
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,800
I'm not the one
with a face full of jizz, love!
261
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,240
Right, afternoon, Tambury Players.
262
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,000
- Afternoon, Ken.
- Everybody!
263
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,520
- Afternoon, Ken.
- Hello. How are we all doing?
264
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:21,840
- We all good?
- Not bad.
265
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,720
Right, Brian,
welcome to the Tambury Players.
266
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,280
- Hi, Brian.
- Hi, Brian.
267
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,360
Let's do a name game.
268
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,776
It's what we like to do,
don't we, when we get a new Player?
269
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,760
So, name, age,
and something that you don't like,
270
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,760
something that gets your goat,
something that winds you up.
271
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,680
- Uh... My name's Brian, and I'm 45.
- Mm.
272
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,280
- Oh.
- And I really don't like my ex-wife.
273
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:44,880
- Oh, dear.
- At all.
274
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,160
Right. Why's that?
275
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,200
- Slut.
- OK.
276
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,920
Right, come on. Best faces on.
277
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,440
- Oh, hello. Are you from The Gazette?
- Yep.
278
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:58,160
Ah! I run the society, Tambury Players.
Ken Otley, might've heard of me?
279
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,440
- No.
- No?
280
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,920
No? I'm involved
in showbiz professionally.
281
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,840
- OK.
- I just run this for a bit of fun.
282
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,136
We do a couple of performances every year.
We've got one in a week or so, actually.
283
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,080
It's a revue show. Uh...
284
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,760
A Night of a 1000 Stars.
285
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,040
- And it's this lot, is it?
- It's these guys, yeah.
286
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,480
Everyone's doing their own thing,
you know, so no arguments.
287
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,880
- Free expression!
- This is Brian, new face.
288
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,776
- Do you know him?
- Yeah, we know Brian.
289
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,000
I'm gonna do stand-up, mate.
290
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,640
- Yeah.
- And I'm doing feminist poetry.
291
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,120
I'm doing Send in the Clowns
with interpretive dance.
292
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,040
Anyway, enough talk.
Come on, let's show them what we do.
293
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,040
- On your feet. Get rid of these chairs.
- Yes, it's me!
294
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:38,000
Hi. I'm sorry about that night,
I wasn't... I wasn't myself.
295
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,720
Oh, shame. I really enjoyed it.
296
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,120
It was nice to meet someone
as cantankerous as me.
297
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,440
- Mm.
- What on earth
298
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,360
are you covering this shitshow for?
299
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:46,960
I only started coming
300
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,240
to get out of the house
when my dead husband was home.
301
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,960
I mean, they're twats, but
it was preferable than being around him.
302
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:52,880
Sure.
303
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,400
It's like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
I feel like Nurse Ratched.
304
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,600
- See that little fat one?
- Mm.
305
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,360
Oh, I'd love to electrocute him.
306
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,880
- Hello, Brian!
- OK, and big people.
307
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,120
- Ken.
- Big. Really big.
308
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,400
Come on, in we go, Rebecca.
Jumping up and down a little bit.
309
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,480
Just a little jump,
don't do yourself any mischief.
310
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,600
I can't help it, I just really miss her.
311
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,760
She having it off with anyone else?
312
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,520
- No.
- You?
313
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,520
No, of course I'm not.
314
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,520
There was someone at work
who did say that she liked me, but...
315
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,520
I'm not interested,
and I'm just so fed up at the moment.
316
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,040
Fuck's sake,
we all get fed up and depressed, mate.
317
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,520
Yeah, sorry, I don't mean to...
318
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,880
I mean, what do you do
when you get depressed?
319
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,920
I get twatted with Ratty and the Nonce.
320
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,760
- Right.
- Go to the football. Start a fight.
321
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,600
I hate all this namby-pamby nonsense,
you know?
322
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:49,640
This bleeding hearts...
323
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,560
"Oh, toxic masculinity,
324
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,120
it's OK to cry!"
325
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,640
It's also OK to have five pints,
drop an E,
326
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,560
and do some fucking trollop from behind
against the bins.
327
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,920
Whatever floats your boat, boy.
328
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,680
I think I've broke my thumb
up some bird's arse.
329
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,840
You should come to me
if you want a good story.
330
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,400
I've had a life, let me tell you.
I've had a life.
331
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,520
Your readers'll wanna hear this,
write this down.
332
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,680
Um... I did go to drama school,
so I still act professionally,
333
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,840
but, you know, it's tough
to get the parts these days
334
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,840
if you're white, no offense, you know.
335
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,160
Taught drama at sixth form college
for a while,
336
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,440
do you know it? Full of liars.
337
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,640
Seriously, don't go there.
It's a nest of vipers.
338
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:40,320
Erm, I'm a talent agent by profession,
25 years in the business.
339
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,920
I've had 'em all through my books,
340
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,800
on the way up, on the way down,
and everything in between.
341
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,280
I could tell you some stories
about the showbiz world
342
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,960
that would make your hair curl.
343
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,720
- Like what?
- Bloody hell, where do we start?
344
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,960
Hey, you know what you should do?
Ghostwrite a gossip column for me.
345
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,920
- Right.
- This is gonna work. Right!
346
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,080
Come on. Let's do this.
347
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,160
- Grab a chair.
- Yeah.
348
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,320
Come on, let's make it happen,
for God's sake!
349
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:04,640
Oh, right.
350
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,056
The thing is, mate,
you've got to take these opportunities
351
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,240
when they offer themselves to you,
you know?
352
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,200
Like that bird at work.
353
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,440
- Yeah.
- Get it while you're young.
354
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:27,520
Oh...
355
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,120
Last week, right, we were, um...
356
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,360
we're pissed up
in Tamburgers in town, yeah?
357
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,480
And this waitress comes over
with the food. Fit.
358
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,280
And she goes, um,
359
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,240
"Is there anything else
I can do for you, gentlemen?"
360
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,120
And it was like, "Ding!"
361
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,800
Five minutes later, me and Ratty
are spitroasting her in the disabled bogs.
362
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,120
Yeah.
363
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,360
I'm banging away from behind, right?
364
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,520
Suddenly,
she takes Ratty's cock out her gob,
365
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,280
turns around to me and goes,
"Do you want fries with that?"
366
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,120
What a star!
367
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,960
Anyway, we come out, and there's this...
368
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,000
gammy little geezer in a wheelchair,
369
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,680
furious 'cause he's had to wait so long.
370
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,080
Yeah. Tuts at me.
371
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,960
So, I lean into him, I go,
372
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,880
"Hope you have as much fun in there
as we just did, you little cunt."
373
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,080
Yeah.
374
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,240
- Well, this has all been very helpful.
- Cheers.
375
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,320
Yeah.
376
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,360
Right, I've got a story for you.
Listen to this one.
377
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,640
I once had sex with a spirit.
378
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,960
I tell you what,
it weren't consensual either. Oh!
379
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,280
The plot thickens!
380
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,280
PSA.
381
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,440
Paranormal sexual assault,
it happens, OK?
382
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,920
Now, I like to sleep stark bollock naked
on me front, right?
383
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,480
That's my choice.
384
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,440
But some would say
that makes it my fault,
385
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,800
but that's just victim-blaming, in't it?
Nobody expects that.
386
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,840
I tell you something else as well,
I know who done it.
387
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,000
I was bummed...
388
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,320
by the ghost of Liberace.
389
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:05,840
That's the headline.
390
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:07,720
Made it easy for the bugger.
391
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,480
Why do you think he chose you?
392
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,560
Well, I might not be the only one!
393
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,760
When this gets out,
probably others will come forward.
394
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,800
That's how it usually happens, in't it?
395
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,240
Good. Well... Yeah...
396
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,800
I think we'll leave you
in the capable hands of...
397
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,800
- Sandy. So, yeah, tell her everything.
- Great. I will.
398
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:26,960
OK? Good.
399
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,640
- Cheers.
- Bye.
400
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:29,920
- Bye.
- All right.
401
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,080
Now, Sandy.
Liz Taylor, you remember her?
402
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,400
Friend of a friend of mine worked
on her autopsy, right?
403
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,360
They found out
she was absolutely crammed with love eggs.
404
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,680
I want to know.
405
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,656
- You feel how soft they were?
- Yeah, very soft.
406
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:50,120
Yeah, we use a bit of softener on them,
no expenses spared here.
407
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,360
- You do them yourself?
- No.
408
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,440
Well, I put them in the washing machine,
I don't manually scrub the towels.
409
00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:58,680
Hi, Dad.
410
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,520
This was Mum's.
411
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,920
She used to read this to me.
412
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,480
Poems.
413
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,560
You didn't care for it much.
Nor did I. I just liked her reading to me.
414
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,280
"Whose woods these are
I think I know
415
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,840
His house is in the village, though
416
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,400
He will not see me stopping here
417
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,760
- To watch..."
- "To watch his woods...
418
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,200
Fill up with snow."
419
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:37,640
- Hi.
- Hi.
420
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,560
I saw you chatting with Simon,
I didn't want to disturb you.
421
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,280
Yes, I was chatting with Simon,
but, I mean, well...
422
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,200
we're not an item, are we?
423
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,600
- That was quick.
- No.
424
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,000
Nothing quick about it.
425
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,120
Sorry I'm such a flake.
426
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:57,840
It's OK.
427
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,000
You were right,
I'm not quite ready yet, but...
428
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,880
I'm... getting better, slowly.
429
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:06,840
Well, that's good.
430
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,000
Well, it is, yeah.
I'm trying to be a better person.
431
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,680
From where I was to, you know,
432
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,320
nearly fucking killing myself.
433
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,160
If it wasn't for the dog, I'd be dead.
So, little improvements.
434
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,720
Oh, well, that's great. Thanks for that.
435
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,680
You know, the dog is the only good thing
in your life.
436
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:24,760
Fuckin' hell.
437
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,520
I didn't say that, did I?
438
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,760
You saw what I was like, I was an arsehole
to everyone in the world.
439
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,160
I hated everyone. Do you know why?
440
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,440
'Cause they didn't die of cancer
like Lisa.
441
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,760
Including me.
I hated me, 'cause I didn't die.
442
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,800
And I'd swap places with her tomorrow.
443
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,120
Sorry.
444
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:45,920
Lisa's got cancer?
445
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,240
No. Not anymore.
446
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,840
Oh, good.
447
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:55,760
Because I love that girl.
448
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:57,760
Apple of my eye.
449
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,160
Couldn't stand anything to happen to her.
450
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,040
Yep.
451
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,280
Bon appétit.
452
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,760
Oh, wow!
453
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,720
I'm starving.
454
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,080
Wow!
455
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:24,360
Is it hot?
456
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,720
That is fucking rank!
457
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,880
Is it?
458
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,800
Lisa used to pretend it tasted good.
459
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,400
Yeah, but Lisa loved you!
460
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:39,360
She did.
461
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,560
- Oh, no. I didn't...
- No, you're exactly right.
462
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,680
She lied to encourage good behavior.
At least I'd tried, you know.
463
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,640
Women are better than men.
464
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,120
And they never stop trying
to bring us up to their standard.
465
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,360
I mean... you're the only man
who's ever cooked me a meal.
466
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,680
So, technically, that's the best meal
a man has ever cooked you.
467
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:04,640
So...
468
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,600
How bad is it?
469
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,240
Put it this way,
470
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:13,160
it's the worst thing
I've had in my mouth today.
471
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,480
- And it's been busy.
- Good.
472
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,080
Yeah.
473
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,440
I was and always will be useless
without her.
474
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,240
You're not... Don't say it.
You're not useless.
475
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,760
It's not that I couldn't do anything
without her, it's that I didn't want to.
476
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:27,880
It was no fun.
477
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:29,400
I'd come home,
478
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:34,720
she'd be in the kitchen... cooking,
like, chopping stuff,
479
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,000
feeding the dog, asking me about my day,
480
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,480
giving me advice on stuff, right?
And if she went, "Oh, pass the salt,"
481
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,841
I'd go, "Fuck me,
do I have to do everything around here?"
482
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,280
I miss her so much.
483
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,080
Have you ever thought
of having a real relationship?
484
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,200
You know, I want what you had.
485
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,920
- Marriage and...
- So...
486
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,600
this brings me to my next point.
487
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,120
I know a guy who's really into you...
488
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,400
and he'd like to meet up.
489
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,920
Do you like a man in uniform?
490
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,120
- Not a copper?
- No.
491
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,600
Soldier?
492
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:20,680
Postman.
493
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,160
- What's wrong with him?
- Honestly, I don't know where to start.
494
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,720
- Fucking hell!
- No.
495
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,920
He asked me to downplay him.
496
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:31,720
- Modest.
- Not really.
497
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,760
- No, um...
- OK.
498
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,200
- What does he look like?
- Uh...
499
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,640
Sort of... beard.
500
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,080
Like a hipster?
501
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,120
Well, more like
what the hipsters base their look on.
502
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,480
- Hippie?
- Homeless.
503
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,480
- Nothing wrong with the homeless.
- You're so woke.
504
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:49,880
So?
505
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:51,960
Come on, then. Well?
506
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,600
OK. Yeah.
507
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,680
Just tell him, you know...
tell him all about me
508
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,800
- and stuff so there's no weirdness.
- OK.
509
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,800
- Great.
- Great.
510
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,200
He'll be over the moon.
511
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:06,600
Brilliant.
512
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,360
I'm gonna have to go
'cause I actually need to eat...
513
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,760
...before I go to work.
514
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,720
No, that's fair enough. That's fine.
515
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,720
- I'm so sorry!
- Good. No.
516
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,000
You can let yourself out
'cause I need to eat the meal I cooked us.
517
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,920
- I'm sorry. Thank you.
- It's all right.
518
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,200
- See you later.
- See you later, lovely.
519
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,600
I'll tell the postman.
520
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,200
- See you later.
- See you later.
521
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,160
Mum, have you seen my juggling balls?
522
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,760
Oh... They're probably
where you left them, lovey.
523
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,960
I just thought you might have
put them down somewhere.
524
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,760
Um... I saw 'em in the kitchen earlier.
525
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,880
Yeah. I was practicing in there.
526
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,600
Oh, well done. Night night, darling.
527
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,640
Night, Mummy. Oh...
528
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,640
Night, Lenny.
529
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,120
Can I call you Dad?
530
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,840
- Not at the moment.
- All right. Night night.
531
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:05,840
Night night.
532
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,400
Oh... You silly cunt.
533
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,560
My own little Kojak.
534
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,040
Ah... Who loves ya, baby?
535
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,840
- You do.
- Knobhead.
536
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:27,120
You can talk.
537
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,520
Also...
538
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,000
...you've never looked so beautiful.
539
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,080
Oh, darling!
540
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,800
♪ If these old walls ♪
541
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:44,160
♪ If these old walls could speak ♪
542
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,800
♪ Of things that they remember well ♪
543
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:52,680
♪ Parties and people raisin' hell ♪
544
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,160
♪ A couple in love
Livin' week to week ♪
545
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,560
♪ Rooms full of laughter ♪
546
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,800
♪ If these old walls could speak ♪
547
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,400
♪ If hallowed halls ♪
548
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:15,160
♪ Oh, if hallowed halls could talk ♪
549
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:19,400
♪ These would have a tale to tell ♪
550
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,720
♪ Of sun goin' down and dinner bell ♪
551
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,800
♪ Children playing at hide and seek..."