1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:01,016 --> 00:00:03,816
-- MY-SUBS.com --
2
00:00:04,217 --> 00:00:06,206
We're live with the final event.
3
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:09,197
Candice the Crusher is gonna try
and set the world record.
4
00:00:09,204 --> 00:00:11,203
And go!
5
00:00:27,211 --> 00:00:30,221
Go, Candice!
6
00:00:31,211 --> 00:00:33,211
Ooh!
7
00:00:33,215 --> 00:00:35,205
- Aah!
- Whoa-oh!
8
00:00:35,214 --> 00:00:36,222
Ugh!
9
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,210
Wha-aaah!
10
00:00:41,216 --> 00:00:42,216
Candice!
11
00:00:42,219 --> 00:00:45,208
- Aaah!
- Aaaaaaah!
12
00:00:45,209 --> 00:00:48,209
What the hell are you guys...
Oh, crap!
13
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:49,216
What's happening?
14
00:00:51,201 --> 00:00:52,651
Turn off the thermostat!
15
00:01:01,209 --> 00:01:03,208
Damn it,
I just took a picture!
16
00:01:03,409 --> 00:01:07,409
-- MY-SUBS.com --
17
00:01:17,408 --> 00:01:19,408
Last time, I got to eat
ice cream for dinner
18
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,412
so I wouldn't remember
they were late.
19
00:01:21,413 --> 00:01:23,402
But I do remember.
20
00:01:23,403 --> 00:01:25,412
Yeah, my dad moved out
when I was 4.
21
00:01:25,413 --> 00:01:26,423
I remember that, too.
22
00:01:26,424 --> 00:01:27,422
- Hey!
- Hey!
23
00:01:27,423 --> 00:01:29,422
Yay!
Do I get ice cream again?!
24
00:01:30,401 --> 00:01:31,411
Ha ha.
What do you mean?
25
00:01:31,415 --> 00:01:33,395
Play this right,
and you'll get a waffle cone.
26
00:01:33,406 --> 00:01:36,406
Emily, Joshua, I was so worried
when you didn't show up.
27
00:01:36,415 --> 00:01:37,415
Is everything okay?
28
00:01:37,422 --> 00:01:40,401
You guys want to sit down,
have a juice box?
29
00:01:40,402 --> 00:01:41,402
We can't.
We gotta...
30
00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:42,405
Guys...
31
00:01:42,412 --> 00:01:46,409
Never say, "I can't,"
always say, "I'll try."
32
00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:47,420
Let's sit.
33
00:01:47,421 --> 00:01:49,399
I'll try.
34
00:01:49,402 --> 00:01:50,642
Guys, I'm concerned
that Candice
35
00:01:50,666 --> 00:01:52,400
hasn't turned in
her patch yet
36
00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:54,410
for the family tree
quilt project.
37
00:01:54,411 --> 00:01:57,397
This empty space is where
Candice's project would go.
38
00:01:57,402 --> 00:01:58,802
I never heard about
a quilt project.
39
00:01:58,826 --> 00:02:01,396
Look, sorry, I know you're
new here at Chamomile.
40
00:02:01,406 --> 00:02:04,396
It's a tough school. Not every
family is up to the task.
41
00:02:04,404 --> 00:02:06,408
Candice's project needs
to be done by tomorrow
42
00:02:06,409 --> 00:02:08,408
so we can present it
at the event in the morning.
43
00:02:08,409 --> 00:02:09,418
Event?
What event?
44
00:02:09,419 --> 00:02:11,409
I sent you guys
the class snap.
45
00:02:11,414 --> 00:02:13,734
Okay, guys, remember the family
heritage event is tomorrow,
46
00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:15,958
and each student will present
their patches to the class
47
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,880
and parents,
so don't be late!
48
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:20,409
But if Candice isn't
able to participate,
49
00:02:20,410 --> 00:02:21,730
I'll be forced
to give her an "A".
50
00:02:21,754 --> 00:02:23,407
- Oh!
- Oh!
51
00:02:23,408 --> 00:02:25,408
Which stands for "Almost
acceptable but not quite."
52
00:02:25,409 --> 00:02:27,409
And I don't usually
like being that harsh.
53
00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:28,418
- Oh.
- Oh.
54
00:02:28,419 --> 00:02:30,418
You know what?
We're gonna do the hell
55
00:02:30,419 --> 00:02:31,419
out of that project.
56
00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:33,408
Yeah!
We're totally going to
57
00:02:33,411 --> 00:02:34,491
kill it at
the presentation.
58
00:02:34,515 --> 00:02:36,396
Make those other
kids' patches
59
00:02:36,402 --> 00:02:37,412
look like S-H-I-T!
60
00:02:37,416 --> 00:02:39,396
Total S-H-I-T!
61
00:02:39,405 --> 00:02:40,525
Are you guys spelling "shit"?
62
00:02:40,531 --> 00:02:41,811
Damn it!
Those teachers are good!
63
00:02:41,835 --> 00:02:43,409
So glad we can send her
to that school.
64
00:02:43,411 --> 00:02:45,411
O-M-G!
65
00:02:45,412 --> 00:02:48,408
We get to take care
of Candy Cane?!
66
00:02:48,409 --> 00:02:50,409
A few quick questions
before you go.
67
00:02:50,412 --> 00:02:52,412
This is so
not happening.
68
00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:54,406
What? Why?
We live together.
69
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:55,858
Can't you baby sit
for one night?
70
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,920
Babysitting doesn't exactly gel
with my plan to get off tonight.
71
00:02:58,944 --> 00:03:01,409
And I...
Wait, get off from what?
72
00:03:01,410 --> 00:03:02,418
You don't even
have a job.
73
00:03:02,419 --> 00:03:03,869
Come on, Alex.
74
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,411
Ohh! Orgasm?!
75
00:03:05,413 --> 00:03:07,411
You're trying to have
an orgasm tonight
76
00:03:07,412 --> 00:03:08,532
and that's why
you can't help
77
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:11,416
look after this beautiful,
angelic child?!
78
00:03:11,417 --> 00:03:12,417
Oh, my God!
What's that?!
79
00:03:12,422 --> 00:03:13,872
- Huh?
- Huh?
80
00:03:17,423 --> 00:03:19,406
Bye!
81
00:03:29,414 --> 00:03:31,424
They got churros here?!
82
00:03:32,401 --> 00:03:33,851
Josh, we didn't
come all the way down
83
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,400
to the Fashion District
to get churros.
84
00:03:35,406 --> 00:03:37,416
Since I'm an expert haggler,
I'll buy the fabric.
85
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,397
You just need
to buy the thread.
86
00:03:39,402 --> 00:03:40,482
Got it!
This is for Candice!
87
00:03:40,506 --> 00:03:41,413
Candice!
88
00:03:41,414 --> 00:03:42,416
- Huh!
- Huh!
89
00:03:42,417 --> 00:03:45,397
Does anybody know
where I can find thread?
90
00:03:45,405 --> 00:03:46,395
Thread?
91
00:03:47,410 --> 00:03:50,400
Thread!
Does anyone have any thread?
92
00:03:51,417 --> 00:03:54,397
Oh, you're selling Nintendos?
93
00:04:00,413 --> 00:04:02,423
Have you guys seen thread?
94
00:04:04,406 --> 00:04:06,396
That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen!
95
00:04:06,405 --> 00:04:07,855
Yes, Señor,
Pájaro Pals.
96
00:04:08,401 --> 00:04:11,401
Where we make birds...
look like you!
97
00:04:11,404 --> 00:04:12,414
Lookin' good, Bird Josh.
98
00:04:14,418 --> 00:04:16,408
Love you, too.
99
00:04:18,407 --> 00:04:19,857
My wallet!
Hey, kid!
100
00:04:21,411 --> 00:04:23,419
- Where's Candice?
- She isn't in her room.
101
00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:25,460
I don't know. She said she was
gonna go grab dinner!
102
00:04:25,484 --> 00:04:28,399
5-year-olds don't
just grab dinner.
103
00:04:28,403 --> 00:04:30,413
You have to order it
on GrubHub for them.
104
00:04:30,415 --> 00:04:31,415
Candice!
105
00:04:31,418 --> 00:04:33,408
- Candice!
- Candice!
106
00:04:33,414 --> 00:04:34,864
- Candice!
- Candice!
107
00:04:35,401 --> 00:04:38,401
Dinner! Is it okay if I hang out
over here with you guys?
108
00:04:38,404 --> 00:04:40,409
Sure, Candice.
Let your landlord, Pearl,
109
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,410
take care of it for you.
110
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,865
Randy, set a plate!
111
00:04:43,401 --> 00:04:45,411
Ma, I'm trying to focus!
112
00:04:45,413 --> 00:04:48,423
This anniversary gift's never
gonna look casually artful!
113
00:04:48,424 --> 00:04:50,421
What's casually artful?
114
00:04:50,422 --> 00:04:52,407
Well, it's like a thing
115
00:04:52,408 --> 00:04:54,418
that doesn't seem like
it takes a lot of work
116
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,417
but it kinda does and...
117
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,419
- Here's a heart.
- Eureka.
118
00:04:58,420 --> 00:05:00,418
Children are the future.
119
00:05:00,419 --> 00:05:03,399
You're not gonna
believe what happened.
120
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:04,413
Josh?
Where have you been?
121
00:05:04,414 --> 00:05:06,410
- My wallet got stolen!
- What?
122
00:05:06,411 --> 00:05:08,408
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- No! I'm not okay.
123
00:05:08,414 --> 00:05:10,411
My freaking Togo's card
was in that wallet.
124
00:05:10,412 --> 00:05:11,412
I had nine punches on it!
125
00:05:11,413 --> 00:05:13,406
Aw, they got
the thread, too?
126
00:05:14,411 --> 00:05:16,401
I never had time
to get the thread.
127
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,523
It took me a lot longer
than I thought to get that BJ.
128
00:05:18,547 --> 00:05:19,408
What?!
129
00:05:19,415 --> 00:05:21,395
BJ! Bird Josh.
130
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,855
Uh! Josh!
You had one job!
131
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,409
The Fashion District
is now closing.
132
00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:26,410
Ah!
133
00:05:26,414 --> 00:05:29,401
Consuelo, wait!
I need that fabric!
134
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,399
Oof! Ah!
135
00:05:34,410 --> 00:05:36,410
No!
136
00:05:36,412 --> 00:05:37,417
Ugh!
137
00:05:37,418 --> 00:05:39,418
We're never gonna make
this quilt in time!
138
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:43,409
Maybe Bird Josh can help.
Go on, find our car, boy!
139
00:05:45,421 --> 00:05:47,401
Love you, too!
140
00:05:47,406 --> 00:05:49,416
He's not coming back.
That's not what he's saying.
141
00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:51,410
What was that?
142
00:05:51,416 --> 00:05:53,406
I don't think
we're alone.
143
00:05:53,408 --> 00:05:55,418
Hey, that's the kid
who stole my wallet!
144
00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:58,420
I worked hard for
those Togo's stamps!
145
00:06:03,419 --> 00:06:05,399
Oh.
146
00:06:05,403 --> 00:06:06,411
Whoa!
147
00:06:06,412 --> 00:06:07,862
Ugh!
148
00:06:09,423 --> 00:06:13,410
You know, you can't just take
things that don't belong to y...
149
00:06:13,411 --> 00:06:16,399
I mean, maybe you can?
150
00:06:16,402 --> 00:06:17,852
I don't want any trouble!
151
00:06:18,401 --> 00:06:20,761
No, please,
good sir. Scold us some more.
152
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,410
Oh, you guys are just kids?
Wh-Where are your parents?
153
00:06:24,411 --> 00:06:27,409
These are the only
parents we got!
154
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:31,421
Mind the
world-class stitchwork, sir!
155
00:06:31,422 --> 00:06:33,422
Grandad just got
into an accident.
156
00:06:33,423 --> 00:06:36,413
He got trampled
by horses, he did!
157
00:06:36,416 --> 00:06:37,416
Oh, my God.
158
00:06:37,423 --> 00:06:41,410
So... you guys are
really good at sewing?
159
00:06:41,411 --> 00:06:44,416
Oh, Josh, you find
that Togo's punch card?
160
00:06:44,417 --> 00:06:45,417
- Mummy!
- It's Mummy!
161
00:06:45,420 --> 00:06:47,419
Yep, here she is!
162
00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:50,406
Why are these adorable
British street urchins
163
00:06:50,407 --> 00:06:51,407
calling me Mummy?
164
00:06:51,413 --> 00:06:53,403
They're gonna make
the family quilt for us!
165
00:06:53,404 --> 00:06:55,424
Josh, they stole your wallet.
They're bad kids.
166
00:06:55,425 --> 00:06:58,397
Please, miss,
we're not bad kids.
167
00:06:58,406 --> 00:06:59,406
My name is Calamari.
168
00:06:59,414 --> 00:07:02,411
And these are my friends...
Walleye, Tilapia,
169
00:07:02,412 --> 00:07:03,418
Troutface, and Scrode.
170
00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:05,410
It's pronounced "Scrawd"!
171
00:07:05,414 --> 00:07:07,414
Can you really make
a quilt for us?
172
00:07:07,415 --> 00:07:08,420
Yes, we can!
173
00:07:08,421 --> 00:07:10,411
And all we ask for
in exchange
174
00:07:10,412 --> 00:07:13,416
is some sweet,
sweet parenting.
175
00:07:13,417 --> 00:07:15,397
Ehhh?
176
00:07:15,406 --> 00:07:17,416
♪ We're making
a quilt for Candice ♪
177
00:07:17,421 --> 00:07:20,401
♪ A family tree quilt
for Candice ♪
178
00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,416
♪ These orphans took us
to this factory ♪
179
00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:25,398
♪ Dangerous machines,
so much to see ♪
180
00:07:25,402 --> 00:07:27,402
♪ It kinda all smells
like rat piss ♪
181
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:30,396
♪ But we're doing it
all for Candice ♪
182
00:07:30,402 --> 00:07:32,411
♪ Oh, my God, that kid
just fell in a vat ♪
183
00:07:32,412 --> 00:07:34,409
♪ Did anybody else
notice that? ♪
184
00:07:34,415 --> 00:07:36,415
♪ And I think that kid
is hand-less ♪
185
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:39,413
♪ But we're doing it all
for Candice ♪
186
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:41,415
♪ In a cave,
a giant rat attacked us ♪
187
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,420
♪ But we're doing it all
for Candice ♪
188
00:07:49,415 --> 00:07:52,405
Wait, this totally isn't
a sweatshop, right?
189
00:07:52,407 --> 00:07:53,407
Maybe?
190
00:07:53,412 --> 00:07:57,422
♪ But we're doing it all
for Candice ♪
191
00:07:59,403 --> 00:08:00,403
Ta-da!
192
00:08:00,405 --> 00:08:01,415
Whoa.
Everyone's gonna see
193
00:08:01,419 --> 00:08:03,419
that we're totally the best
parents at that school!
194
00:08:03,443 --> 00:08:07,399
Can we ask one thing before
we give you the quilt?
195
00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:10,407
- What?
- Could you tuck us in?
196
00:08:10,408 --> 00:08:11,418
Of course!
197
00:08:19,414 --> 00:08:21,534
Sorry I spent all our money
on zoot suits and churros.
198
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,000
Sorry I got too obsessed
with bargaining.
199
00:08:24,401 --> 00:08:26,401
I don't know if it's the
moonlight through the smog
200
00:08:26,425 --> 00:08:28,400
or the toxic fumes
in this alley,
201
00:08:28,404 --> 00:08:31,424
but you look so sexy
when you're being a good parent.
202
00:08:33,419 --> 00:08:37,399
Scrode likey.
203
00:08:38,415 --> 00:08:41,405
- Hey, you.
- Hey, you.
204
00:08:41,408 --> 00:08:44,398
- Last night was so great.
- Really great night.
205
00:08:44,402 --> 00:08:46,402
Really, really great.
206
00:08:46,405 --> 00:08:47,395
Aah!
207
00:08:48,408 --> 00:08:49,728
What happened to
the British kids?
208
00:08:49,752 --> 00:08:51,396
How'd they get so gross?
209
00:08:51,404 --> 00:08:52,414
We're not gross,
210
00:08:52,415 --> 00:08:56,417
and we're not kids,
and we're not British!
211
00:08:56,418 --> 00:08:58,418
- What have we done?
- It's 8:00!
212
00:08:58,421 --> 00:09:01,401
We've gotta get this quilt
to Candice before school!
213
00:09:01,403 --> 00:09:03,423
Mummy. Daddy.
214
00:09:04,401 --> 00:09:06,421
- We're not your parents!
- Of course you are.
215
00:09:07,401 --> 00:09:10,411
That was the price
for the quilt, remember?
216
00:09:10,413 --> 00:09:12,423
Remember?
217
00:09:14,415 --> 00:09:15,415
Mummy. Daddy.
218
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:16,871
Run!
219
00:09:18,403 --> 00:09:19,413
Josh!
220
00:09:19,415 --> 00:09:21,405
Get 'em!
221
00:09:28,421 --> 00:09:30,407
- Aah!
- Aah!
222
00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:33,416
Bird Josh,
you came back!
223
00:09:42,421 --> 00:09:44,408
Bird Josh!
224
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:47,399
No!
225
00:09:48,423 --> 00:09:50,403
Josh, get in the car!
226
00:09:56,408 --> 00:09:58,418
He was a good bird.
227
00:09:58,422 --> 00:10:00,417
He was a great bird.
228
00:10:01,423 --> 00:10:04,407
Sign me up
for karate classes!
229
00:10:04,408 --> 00:10:06,408
Aah!
230
00:10:07,414 --> 00:10:10,404
Let me know when the calendar
comes out, boys!
231
00:10:10,405 --> 00:10:12,395
All your sweet
little asses.
232
00:10:12,405 --> 00:10:14,405
Oh, my God!
Is everything okay?
233
00:10:14,409 --> 00:10:16,399
Well, everybody's fine,
234
00:10:16,404 --> 00:10:18,403
and they managed to get
Candice off to school,
235
00:10:18,404 --> 00:10:20,410
but it certainly
wasn't pretty.
236
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:23,418
Had to cut Alex out of the vent
like he was a can of tuna.
237
00:10:23,419 --> 00:10:25,409
Alex was stuck
in the vent?!
238
00:10:25,410 --> 00:10:27,410
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
She said everybody's fine!
239
00:10:29,414 --> 00:10:31,424
Dumbass white people.
240
00:10:33,402 --> 00:10:34,402
Hi!
241
00:10:34,406 --> 00:10:36,406
I made my quilt patch
all by myself!
242
00:10:36,413 --> 00:10:37,411
- Oh.
- Oh.
243
00:10:37,412 --> 00:10:38,572
That's really great, Candice.
244
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,419
I'm so sorry guys.
Thank you.
245
00:10:40,423 --> 00:10:42,403
We learned a lot.
246
00:10:42,404 --> 00:10:44,410
About Candice.
About each other.
247
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,411
But mainly we learned
we never want to have kids.
248
00:10:46,412 --> 00:10:49,400
So glad we got divorced
before that happened.
249
00:10:49,402 --> 00:10:51,412
Gotta say, you get
a solid "F" in my book.
250
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,323
Which stands for "Finally
doing something right."
251
00:10:55,347 --> 00:10:56,410
Most parents
at this school
252
00:10:56,411 --> 00:10:58,291
don't even let their kids
do their own projects.
253
00:11:00,401 --> 00:11:01,851
Get rid of it!
254
00:11:24,538 --> 00:11:26,837
Aww!
This is so...
255
00:11:27,536 --> 00:11:28,536
Boring.
256
00:11:28,539 --> 00:11:29,539
Ugh.
257
00:11:29,541 --> 00:11:30,821
Can we at least swim
in the pool?
258
00:11:30,845 --> 00:11:32,548
No. Look, don't
ruin this for me.
259
00:11:32,549 --> 00:11:33,999
I won thumb war
fair and square,
260
00:11:34,537 --> 00:11:35,777
so we're looking
at open houses.
261
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:38,550
Oh, uh, I don't know where
to throw this garbage.
262
00:11:38,552 --> 00:11:40,556
Oh, wait... shazam!
263
00:11:40,557 --> 00:11:43,547
Just contemplating
how overcrowded L.A. is...
264
00:11:43,551 --> 00:11:47,551
in my two-acre
backya-a-a-ard!
265
00:11:47,556 --> 00:11:49,536
Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.
266
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,552
You don't even drink tea.
267
00:11:50,553 --> 00:11:52,549
Yeah, because I can
never find it.
268
00:11:52,556 --> 00:11:56,546
If I had these tins, I would
drink tea all day, son.
269
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,557
Husband.
All day, husband!
270
00:12:02,558 --> 00:12:04,538
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
271
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:05,580
♪ I'm in the living room ♪
272
00:12:05,604 --> 00:12:06,549
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
273
00:12:06,552 --> 00:12:07,592
♪ I'm in the living room ♪
274
00:12:07,616 --> 00:12:09,539
Ha!
Can I try?
275
00:12:09,540 --> 00:12:11,540
See?
Open houses aren't boring.
276
00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:12,541
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
277
00:12:12,543 --> 00:12:13,583
♪ I'm in the living room ♪
278
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:14,544
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
279
00:12:14,545 --> 00:12:15,554
♪ I'm in the pool ♪
280
00:12:17,539 --> 00:12:19,538
No! Josh!
281
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,539
Jack-knife!
282
00:12:37,558 --> 00:12:39,538
I can't believe you got us
283
00:12:39,539 --> 00:12:40,699
kicked out of that open house.
284
00:12:40,702 --> 00:12:41,712
Hey, I said I was sorry.
285
00:12:41,713 --> 00:12:43,537
Now can we do something
we're all...
286
00:12:43,538 --> 00:12:44,538
into?
287
00:12:44,542 --> 00:12:45,551
No!
Don't touch anything!
288
00:12:45,552 --> 00:12:49,542
I'm this close to connecting
Garfield to Jesus!
289
00:12:49,545 --> 00:12:51,545
Are you drinking moonshine?
290
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:53,549
No!
That's disgusting!
291
00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:55,548
- That's my urine.
- Uh...
292
00:12:55,549 --> 00:12:56,999
we'll just go in through
the kitchen.
293
00:12:57,013 --> 00:12:59,538
Watch out!
294
00:12:59,539 --> 00:13:01,549
Seriously?
You had to do this in the kitchen?
295
00:13:01,550 --> 00:13:03,549
Alex was taking up
the whole living room.
296
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,540
- Ugh.
- Get in here, Candice!
297
00:13:05,545 --> 00:13:09,545
Your body is a paintbrush
that your spirit inhabits.
298
00:13:15,541 --> 00:13:17,541
Look, honey, we have a drawer
like the open house.
299
00:13:17,545 --> 00:13:18,545
It won't slam!
300
00:13:22,548 --> 00:13:25,548
Look, Em...
chandelier!
301
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:29,535
I think I'm just gonna go
for a walk, get some air.
302
00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:32,541
You don't want to use
your body like a paintbrush?
303
00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:34,558
Nah, you guys do your thing,
I'll go do my thing.
304
00:13:35,536 --> 00:13:36,546
But we should do
a thing together.
305
00:13:36,551 --> 00:13:38,631
Is that thing cleaning up
this overcrowded apartment?
306
00:13:38,655 --> 00:13:40,537
Nah, there's gotta be
something better.
307
00:13:40,541 --> 00:13:41,551
Hmm.
308
00:13:41,555 --> 00:13:44,535
Oh, my God.
Wait.
309
00:13:44,541 --> 00:13:47,551
I've always wanted to be
a Family Bike family.
310
00:13:47,553 --> 00:13:49,542
On your left!
311
00:13:49,543 --> 00:13:51,543
Wha... Wha...
312
00:13:52,552 --> 00:13:55,539
Where's your family,
loser?
313
00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:56,548
Ooh.
314
00:13:56,549 --> 00:13:58,109
That's what we'll do together.
315
00:13:58,133 --> 00:14:00,133
A family bike!
Emily!
316
00:14:00,536 --> 00:14:00,556
Huh?
317
00:14:00,558 --> 00:14:02,558
She left 30 minutes ago.
318
00:14:05,546 --> 00:14:11,446
Never gonna be mine, never gonna
be mine, never gonna be mine.
319
00:14:11,541 --> 00:14:13,561
But there's no harm
in looking.
320
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:20,550
♪ Perfect house,
perfect house ♪
321
00:14:20,552 --> 00:14:22,002
♪ Perfect hous... ♪
322
00:14:22,536 --> 00:14:22,556
Oh, my God!
323
00:14:23,536 --> 00:14:25,536
I am so sorry!
No, no.
324
00:14:25,543 --> 00:14:26,743
I couldn't agree
with you more.
325
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:29,540
This is the
♪ perfect house ♪
326
00:14:29,546 --> 00:14:30,706
Are you gonna put in
an offer?
327
00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:32,180
Me? Nah.
328
00:14:32,537 --> 00:14:34,657
To save money, my family lives
with a divorced couple,
329
00:14:34,681 --> 00:14:36,536
so open houses are more
of a guilty pleasure.
330
00:14:36,541 --> 00:14:38,541
Me too. I just like
to come check out
331
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,535
how the other half lives.
332
00:14:40,541 --> 00:14:43,541
Also, at home, my kids
write on the walls with shit.
333
00:14:43,546 --> 00:14:44,546
Uh...
334
00:14:44,549 --> 00:14:45,549
Oh, is this
your daughter?
335
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,556
Daughter?
336
00:14:46,557 --> 00:14:48,007
No. I'm...
337
00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:50,547
Whoa! You're superstar
Mona Arizona!
338
00:14:50,549 --> 00:14:52,539
Yeah,
my real name's Caitlin.
339
00:14:52,546 --> 00:14:53,996
What brings you here,
Mona?
340
00:14:54,536 --> 00:14:55,986
Well,
I'm an emancipated minor,
341
00:14:56,537 --> 00:14:57,697
so I like to go
to open houses
342
00:14:57,721 --> 00:14:59,553
because they represent
the normal life
343
00:14:59,554 --> 00:15:00,561
I'll never know.
344
00:15:00,562 --> 00:15:02,539
When you work as much
as I do,
345
00:15:02,544 --> 00:15:04,064
you start to fear
that you'll look back
346
00:15:04,088 --> 00:15:06,080
on these years and think,
347
00:15:06,536 --> 00:15:07,616
"Where did
my childhood go?"
348
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,542
Yeah,
my triplets love you.
349
00:15:09,545 --> 00:15:11,545
They sing your songs
all the time.
350
00:15:11,553 --> 00:15:13,003
Whoa! Triplets?
351
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:14,547
Yeah.
They can't sing.
352
00:15:14,548 --> 00:15:15,548
It's really bad.
353
00:15:15,556 --> 00:15:17,546
Don't forget to check out
the guest house.
354
00:15:17,547 --> 00:15:20,537
A happy family like yours
must have lots of visitors.
355
00:15:20,546 --> 00:15:23,536
Oh, no, we're not...
Oh, come on, Mom.
356
00:15:23,538 --> 00:15:25,538
Let's see where
Grandma's gonna stay.
357
00:15:25,544 --> 00:15:26,564
Um...
No harm in looking.
358
00:15:26,565 --> 00:15:28,538
Right... hon?
359
00:15:28,545 --> 00:15:30,555
Actually, I need
to get back to...
360
00:15:33,552 --> 00:15:34,552
You know what?
361
00:15:34,553 --> 00:15:36,541
Sure thing, hon!
362
00:15:36,542 --> 00:15:37,542
Wink!
363
00:15:37,543 --> 00:15:39,542
Huhuhuhu.
364
00:15:39,546 --> 00:15:41,556
♪ The feeling you get
when you're not at home ♪
365
00:15:41,558 --> 00:15:45,538
♪ But you're running around
at someone else's home ♪
366
00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:46,552
♪ No worries, no cares ♪
367
00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:49,541
♪ 'Cause your real family's
not there ♪
368
00:15:49,546 --> 00:15:50,556
♪ Yeah ♪
369
00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:53,538
♪ No scheming, no cleaning,
this world's in between ♪
370
00:15:53,546 --> 00:15:55,556
♪ Yeah, no bull crap,
no fights, just laughter ♪
371
00:15:55,558 --> 00:15:57,548
♪ Every ni-i-ight ♪
372
00:15:57,550 --> 00:15:59,548
♪ No wonder you escaped ♪
373
00:15:59,549 --> 00:16:01,539
♪ To an open house ♪
374
00:16:01,542 --> 00:16:04,538
♪ There are no worries
in an open house ♪
375
00:16:04,539 --> 00:16:07,538
♪ Reality's blurry in
an open house ♪
376
00:16:07,539 --> 00:16:08,989
♪ Why don't you stay a while? ♪
377
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:10,536
♪ Open house ♪
378
00:16:10,538 --> 00:16:11,658
♪ No, you're not in denial ♪
379
00:16:11,682 --> 00:16:14,546
♪ Open house ♪
380
00:16:14,552 --> 00:16:16,562
Okay I've got
my algebra homework,
381
00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:19,538
my Spanish homework,
my history homework...
382
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:22,546
Is there any subject
you don't have homework for?
383
00:16:22,555 --> 00:16:23,555
Haha!
384
00:16:23,559 --> 00:16:25,538
Lunch.
385
00:16:26,543 --> 00:16:27,546
Hey, wait a minute.
386
00:16:27,547 --> 00:16:28,547
Where is my lunch?
387
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:29,552
Mom didn't pack it.
388
00:16:29,554 --> 00:16:32,544
Come to think of it,
where is Mom?
389
00:16:32,545 --> 00:16:34,535
You guys!
390
00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:36,540
Do you...
Do you guys hear that?
391
00:16:36,545 --> 00:16:38,585
Oh, it's probably just
the Cohens' bat mitzvah party
392
00:16:39,536 --> 00:16:40,536
next door.
393
00:16:41,549 --> 00:16:43,539
Uh...
394
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:46,546
Uh, Mom, you look like you
could use a glass of water.
395
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:47,707
I think you're right,
Caitlin,
396
00:16:47,731 --> 00:16:50,536
but I'm pretty sure
your mom pronounces it...
397
00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:51,990
"Pinot Grigio."
398
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,544
Yeah.
Water.
399
00:16:56,546 --> 00:16:59,536
The Family Bike
is here!
400
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,549
Sign here, please.
401
00:17:01,550 --> 00:17:03,540
Hey, how'd you guys
get here so fast?
402
00:17:03,546 --> 00:17:05,536
I only ordered it
like 20 minutes ago.
403
00:17:05,544 --> 00:17:07,554
Says here you ordered it
three days ago.
404
00:17:07,555 --> 00:17:10,537
Three days?!
Where the hell is Emily?
405
00:17:10,539 --> 00:17:11,539
Oh, yeah.
406
00:17:11,544 --> 00:17:12,554
Sorry, the orders for those
Emily real dolls
407
00:17:12,556 --> 00:17:14,006
are all backed up.
408
00:17:14,536 --> 00:17:15,576
Got mine last week,
though.
409
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,610
Lot of fun, lot of fun.
410
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,539
Isn't this song great?
411
00:17:22,540 --> 00:17:23,550
No.
No, it's not.
412
00:17:23,551 --> 00:17:26,538
Guys, something is wrong
in this house.
413
00:17:26,539 --> 00:17:28,539
You know how I wanted
a glass of water?
414
00:17:28,540 --> 00:17:31,538
Well, look.
Nothing.
415
00:17:31,539 --> 00:17:33,547
So I think,
"Hey, maybe the fridge.
416
00:17:33,548 --> 00:17:34,998
Oh, but it's
probably empty
417
00:17:35,537 --> 00:17:36,987
like the rest of the house,
Emily."
418
00:17:37,537 --> 00:17:38,537
Nope.
419
00:17:38,541 --> 00:17:39,901
It's packed with
paintings of food.
420
00:17:39,925 --> 00:17:40,545
Emily!
421
00:17:40,550 --> 00:17:42,540
I had a glass of water
an hour ago.
422
00:17:42,546 --> 00:17:45,536
Why don't you
let me try, huh?
423
00:17:53,555 --> 00:17:55,535
Ah!
424
00:17:57,545 --> 00:17:59,535
It's not funny!
425
00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:05,551
- Hello?
- Emily!
426
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:06,552
Emily, where are you?!
427
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,540
Josh?
Oh, my God!
428
00:18:08,541 --> 00:18:11,541
I'm at the open house,
but something's...
429
00:18:11,543 --> 00:18:13,548
wrong here.
430
00:18:13,549 --> 00:18:15,549
Emily?
431
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:16,552
Emily?
432
00:18:23,548 --> 00:18:25,557
Emily!
433
00:18:25,558 --> 00:18:27,548
Baby!
434
00:18:27,554 --> 00:18:30,538
Emi... ly!
435
00:18:30,539 --> 00:18:31,549
Come back!
436
00:18:31,550 --> 00:18:34,540
Where's your family,
loser?
437
00:18:37,539 --> 00:18:39,546
What a beautiful day.
438
00:18:40,551 --> 00:18:42,541
I'll get it!
439
00:18:44,552 --> 00:18:46,537
Emily!
There you are.
440
00:18:46,538 --> 00:18:48,548
Hey, I'm Dave,
Emily's husband.
441
00:18:48,549 --> 00:18:49,549
What?
442
00:18:49,550 --> 00:18:51,556
I'm Emily's husband.
443
00:18:51,557 --> 00:18:54,557
Josh! Don't come in,
don't close the door!
444
00:18:56,556 --> 00:18:58,556
What the hell?
445
00:19:00,541 --> 00:19:01,561
♪ O-O-O-Open House ♪
446
00:19:01,562 --> 00:19:04,537
Try the window!
447
00:19:04,542 --> 00:19:06,542
Let's check upstairs!
448
00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:11,537
What's going on?
449
00:19:11,538 --> 00:19:12,538
It's a set, Josh.
450
00:19:12,543 --> 00:19:13,863
This whole thing...
it's a sitcom.
451
00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:15,337
Well, how do we get out?
452
00:19:15,537 --> 00:19:16,547
I don't know!
453
00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:21,549
Hon,
I know you're upset,
454
00:19:21,550 --> 00:19:23,540
but we can't say
stuff like that here.
455
00:19:23,546 --> 00:19:25,536
- We'll lose our audience.
- That's it!
456
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:27,541
Maybe if we do stuff
you can't do on sitcoms
457
00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,543
we can get out of here!
458
00:19:32,552 --> 00:19:34,556
What else can't you do
on sitcoms?
459
00:19:34,557 --> 00:19:35,557
I don't know.
460
00:19:35,559 --> 00:19:37,549
How did any of this
even happen?
461
00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:40,538
And who is that guy that
keeps calling you "hon"?
462
00:19:40,542 --> 00:19:41,547
Um... that's...
463
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,557
Mom, why does this guy
call Dad "that guy"?
464
00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:45,558
And why does the girl
call you "Mom"?
465
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:47,547
And why do I love
this water?
466
00:19:47,552 --> 00:19:50,538
Are you cheating on us
with another family?
467
00:19:50,539 --> 00:19:52,539
Um... well...
I...
468
00:19:52,543 --> 00:19:53,547
uh...
469
00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:01,552
The music.
That's it.
470
00:20:01,553 --> 00:20:03,561
We have to follow
the format, not fight it.
471
00:20:03,562 --> 00:20:07,539
I'm calling
a family meeting.
472
00:20:10,537 --> 00:20:12,557
The truth is, I haven't been
real with any of you.
473
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:16,537
Josh, I came here because
sometimes I feel overwhelmed
474
00:20:16,538 --> 00:20:17,698
by the chaos
at the apartment.
475
00:20:17,722 --> 00:20:19,547
I know we chose
to have roommates
476
00:20:19,549 --> 00:20:22,539
so we could afford a better
school district for Candice,
477
00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:24,548
but just once a week,
I like to imagine life
478
00:20:24,549 --> 00:20:26,539
with a little more peace
and order.
479
00:20:26,541 --> 00:20:28,551
Open houses give me the strength
to deal
480
00:20:28,552 --> 00:20:33,538
with the weird art projects,
the exposed wires, and Alex.
481
00:20:33,541 --> 00:20:35,541
There's something really wrong
with that guy.
482
00:20:35,544 --> 00:20:39,543
Dave, Caitlin, I can't be a part
of your family anymore.
483
00:20:39,544 --> 00:20:42,551
I'm sorry, but it's time for me
to go back to my real home.
484
00:20:42,552 --> 00:20:43,552
I understand.
485
00:20:43,553 --> 00:20:46,543
But is it okay
if I just stay here?
486
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:49,555
My triplets are a real pain
in the tuchus.
487
00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:07,551
I've never been so excited
to leave an open house!
488
00:21:07,552 --> 00:21:08,552
Let's go home.
489
00:21:08,553 --> 00:21:10,551
- Michelle?
- Dave!
490
00:21:10,552 --> 00:21:11,552
Where you been?
491
00:21:11,556 --> 00:21:13,546
There's something wrong
with the kids.
492
00:21:13,549 --> 00:21:16,548
They're making this weird noise,
and they won't stop.
493
00:21:16,549 --> 00:21:18,539
Uh...
Dave!
494
00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:20,543
You bastard!
Don't you shut me out!
495
00:21:20,544 --> 00:21:22,559
Don't you dare
shut me out!
496
00:21:24,545 --> 00:21:25,545
Ah, thank God.
497
00:21:25,554 --> 00:21:26,556
Classic Dave!
498
00:21:26,557 --> 00:21:28,557
Whataya gonna do with me?
499
00:21:30,549 --> 00:21:34,539
♪ Classic Dave ♪
500
00:21:36,553 --> 00:21:39,553
You were right. This is fun
for the whole family.
501
00:21:39,555 --> 00:21:42,535
- On your left!
- Hey!
502
00:21:42,543 --> 00:21:44,538
Nice family, loser.
503
00:21:45,546 --> 00:21:48,556
Oh, hey, I got you
something.
504
00:21:48,559 --> 00:21:50,009
Tins!
505
00:21:50,536 --> 00:21:51,696
Now you can finally
drink tea.
506
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,546
- Thanks.
- Look out!
507
00:21:54,547 --> 00:21:56,547
How do you stop
this thing?
508
00:21:57,553 --> 00:22:00,543
Does anyone else
hear that?
509
00:22:01,546 --> 00:22:05,546
-- MY-SUBS.com --