1
00:00:02,824 --> 00:00:04,074
Schenectady?!

2
00:00:05,182 --> 00:00:07,083
You're in Schenectady?!

3
00:00:07,150 --> 00:00:12,154
After all your naggy lectures about how
I need to stop micro-managing ISIS?!

4
00:00:12,222 --> 00:00:14,090
RON: You do!
And this is... macro-managing!

5
00:00:14,157 --> 00:00:16,926
C'mon, some things I gotta do myself!

6
00:00:16,994 --> 00:00:18,728
CHERYL/CAROL: Mr. Archer's on line two.

7
00:00:18,796 --> 00:00:21,965
MALORY: I'm on the phone!
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, duh, line two.

8
00:00:22,032 --> 00:00:23,113
MALORY: Wh-?
ARCHER: Mother?!

9
00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:24,333
MALORY: Sterling...
ARCHER: Don't talk, just listen!

10
00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:27,003
My cover's blown and I
need an extraction!

11
00:00:27,071 --> 00:00:30,272
MALORY: Oh my... wait,
extraction from where?

12
00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:34,176
ARCHER: Montreal, long story, but my money
and passport were confiscated, so...

13
00:00:34,244 --> 00:00:36,980
MALORY: So where in Montreal exactly?

14
00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:40,726
ARCHER: Uh... Like, the
GPS coordinates, or...

15
00:00:40,757 --> 00:00:43,177
<i>LOUDSPEAKER: Bienvenue
au Casino de Montreal.</i>

16
00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:45,989
MALORY: Confiscated by whom?
A croupier?

17
00:00:46,056 --> 00:00:47,890
ARCHER: No!
MALORY: Or a herd of Quebecker whores?!

18
00:00:47,958 --> 00:00:50,159
ARCHER: I wouldn't say herd...
MALORY: Well, after you get some

19
00:00:50,227 --> 00:00:54,088
free penicillin, compliments of the
Socialist Republic of Canada...

20
00:00:54,104 --> 00:00:55,034
ARCHER: Wait, really?

21
00:00:55,041 --> 00:00:56,658
MALORY:... you can extract
yourself, mister!

22
00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:59,301
ARCHER: Mother I don't have a passpor...
RON:... I mean don't

23
00:00:59,369 --> 00:01:01,871
get me wrong, I respect that,
but comparing ISIS to six

24
00:01:01,939 --> 00:01:06,408
Cadillac dealerships is like comparing
apples to... six Cadillac...

25
00:01:06,476 --> 00:01:07,677
MALORY: Ron!
RON: What?!

26
00:01:07,745 --> 00:01:10,105
MALORY: Sterling is stranded at
the Montreal Casino with his

27
00:01:10,114 --> 00:01:14,083
pockets turned out and... and
this is just speculation...

28
00:01:14,151 --> 00:01:16,819
some new drug-resistant form of V.D.

29
00:01:16,887 --> 00:01:20,523
RON: Reeally...
MALORY: And you're in Schenectady. Again!

30
00:01:20,590 --> 00:01:21,958
RON: I'll be home tonight!

31
00:01:22,026 --> 00:01:23,926
MALORY: Oh, I know!
Because what's tonight?!

32
00:01:23,994 --> 00:01:27,363
RON: Uh, Tuesday? Night?

33
00:01:27,430 --> 00:01:30,400
MALORY: Box seats! For the
opening of "Carmen" at the Met!

34
00:01:30,467 --> 00:01:32,147
RON: Babe, c'mon, I
promise, I'll be there!

35
00:01:32,169 --> 00:01:35,705
MALORY: Well if you're not, you can
just not bother coming home at all!

36
00:01:35,773 --> 00:01:39,441
RON: I... CHERYL/CAROL: Trouble
on the old hooomfront?

37
00:01:39,509 --> 00:01:41,177
MALORY: Oh for the... eavesdrop much?!

38
00:01:41,244 --> 00:01:43,245
PAM: Scream into a speakerphone much?

39
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:44,547
MALORY: Pam...?
PAM: What?!

40
00:01:44,614 --> 00:01:47,283
You want us to wear earplugs every
time you're on the damn pho...

41
00:01:47,350 --> 00:01:49,952
CHERYL/CAROL: Ooh, or helmets!

42
00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:52,922
MALORY: It is just idiots,
all the way down.

43
00:01:52,990 --> 00:01:56,959
And his money, I get it, that's all
craps and whores, but his passport?

44
00:01:57,027 --> 00:01:59,996
How the hell did he lose his passport?

45
00:02:00,064 --> 00:02:04,400
ARCHER: Bekuz, shuddup, bekuz I dunneebit...
Bekuz I dunnever go homerika,

46
00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:08,938
bekuz, shuddup, bekuz je...
hic! Je tam!

47
00:02:09,006 --> 00:02:12,909
CALL GIRL: Tabernac...
MALORY: It's my third biggest fear.

48
00:02:12,976 --> 00:02:15,845
He brings home a whore and
says "We're married!"

49
00:02:15,913 --> 00:02:20,349
Oh, and the whore has bangs.

50
00:02:20,417 --> 00:02:23,886
Ugh, thank God I don't have to worry
about anything like that with Ron.

51
00:02:23,954 --> 00:02:27,123
"Hi, I'm Ron Cadillac, aka Mr. Boring."

52
00:02:27,191 --> 00:02:32,294
Jesus God, what am I doing with...
RON: Ron Cadillac!

53
00:02:32,362 --> 00:02:35,464
They don't make the rules!
You do!

54
00:02:35,532 --> 00:02:38,935
Well obviously they do make the
rules, that's why it's come to this.

55
00:02:39,002 --> 00:02:41,938
Which is why Ron Cadillac is opting out!

56
00:02:42,005 --> 00:02:47,476
And also why Ron Cadillac is gonna
swing by Montreal on his way home.

57
00:02:47,544 --> 00:02:51,313
Because Ron Cadillac is frickin epic.

58
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:59,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

59
00:03:12,782 --> 00:03:23,452
Sync and corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

60
00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:29,607
[ Phone Ringing ]

61
00:03:29,727 --> 00:03:30,927
CHERYL/CAROL: What.

62
00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:32,790
Yes, I'll accept the charges. What.

63
00:03:32,820 --> 00:03:35,856
ARCHER: Carol, hey, shut up, I need you
to go down to Western Union and wire me

64
00:03:35,923 --> 00:03:37,457
a thousand dollars.

65
00:03:37,525 --> 00:03:38,725
CHERYL/CAROL: Wow.

66
00:03:38,726 --> 00:03:40,761
ARCHER: Yeah.
CHERYL/CAROL: No.

67
00:03:40,828 --> 00:03:42,663
ARCHER: Yes!
CHERYL/CAROL: No!

68
00:03:42,730 --> 00:03:44,865
ARCHER: Oh for... then
just lemme talk to Pam!

69
00:03:44,932 --> 00:03:47,400
CHERYL/CAROL: Absolutely not.
Huh?

70
00:03:47,468 --> 00:03:50,904
Because pick any one of an
infinite number of reasons!

71
00:03:50,972 --> 00:03:54,507
Yeah, okay, hang on...
KRIEGER: Mmmmyeah, no, I would,

72
00:03:54,575 --> 00:04:00,113
but I can't really leave the lab at the moment...
But I can transfer you...

73
00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:04,785
GILLETTE: No, I seriously
thought you were joking.

74
00:04:04,852 --> 00:04:10,356
Yeah, hang on...
CYRIL: [Convulsive Laughter]

75
00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:13,694
ARCHER: Okay. Okay!
Lemme talk to Lana!

76
00:04:13,761 --> 00:04:16,063
BROKE GUY: Tabernac! You
know there is a line?!

77
00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:17,630
ARCHER: There's gonna
be a line at your wake!

78
00:04:17,699 --> 00:04:19,933
So shut your poutine
hole, and lemme...

79
00:04:20,001 --> 00:04:22,175
Lana?! Lana listen, I...
LANA: Noop.

80
00:04:22,191 --> 00:04:23,471
ARCHER:... need you to...
LANA: Noop.

81
00:04:23,495 --> 00:04:25,803
ARCHER: Stop saying noop!
LANA: Noop, Archer. Noop.

82
00:04:26,007 --> 00:04:30,711
And it's gonna sound like I'm
hanging up but... [ Dial Tone ]

83
00:04:30,778 --> 00:04:32,612
BROKE GUY: Why do you
casser le telephone?!

84
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,548
ARCHER: Because I'm out
of people to call!

85
00:04:35,616 --> 00:04:38,384
Even Woodhouse wouldn't help me...
What do you mean, no?!

86
00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:40,053
I basically own you!

87
00:04:40,121 --> 00:04:41,788
And I basically own him.

88
00:04:41,856 --> 00:04:44,324
Jesus, this is actually
almost depressing.

89
00:04:44,391 --> 00:04:46,192
[ HONK HONK ]
RON: Need a ride, champ?

90
00:04:46,194 --> 00:04:49,262
ARCHER: Although not as depressing as
Ron what the hell are you doing here?!

91
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,497
RON: Giving you a ride home.
C'mon, hop in!

92
00:04:51,565 --> 00:04:52,945
ARCHER: Did Mother send you?

93
00:04:52,969 --> 00:04:57,403
RON: Uh, not exactly, I uh, just thought
it'd give us a chance to uh, bond.

94
00:04:57,471 --> 00:05:01,407
ARCHER: Yeah, don't take this the wrong way,
Ron, but I'd rather bond with a C.H.U.D.

95
00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:03,043
BROKE GUY: Il est la!
Il est la!

96
00:05:03,111 --> 00:05:06,780
ARCHER: But C.H.U.D.'s live
in New York so let's go!

97
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:09,282
RON: What the hell is a chud?!

98
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:12,352
ARCHER: They were people, but then
they got splashed with toxic waste.

99
00:05:12,419 --> 00:05:14,755
RON: Aw, that's a load of crap...
ARCHER: It's a movie!

100
00:05:14,822 --> 00:05:18,892
RON: But those baby alligators people
flush down there, now that's...

101
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,461
ARCHER: Ron! C'mon, seriously,
at some point I'm gonna have to

102
00:05:21,528 --> 00:05:24,064
take a shit, so...
RON: So why didn't you go before we left?

103
00:05:24,132 --> 00:05:25,899
ARCHER: Not now!
In the future!

104
00:05:25,967 --> 00:05:28,701
And I won't be able to if I'm
thinking about giant alligators

105
00:05:28,770 --> 00:05:31,304
rampaging up into my toilet!

106
00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:34,440
RON: Talk about tearing you a new one...
ARCHER: For the love of Christ,

107
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:35,842
man! Stop!

108
00:05:37,611 --> 00:05:41,547
I meant, stop talking, about
assripping sewer-gators.

109
00:05:41,615 --> 00:05:43,816
RON: Yeah, I know.
ARCHER: So?!

110
00:05:43,851 --> 00:05:45,485
He asked, incredulously!

111
00:05:45,552 --> 00:05:47,254
RON: You said you didn't have a passport.

112
00:05:47,321 --> 00:05:50,257
ARCHER: So?! He asked,
equally incredulously!

113
00:05:50,324 --> 00:05:54,294
RON: So that. ARCHER: Oh.
So...?

114
00:05:54,361 --> 00:05:57,630
And that's not sarcastic incredulity,
I honestly wanna hear your

115
00:05:57,674 --> 00:05:59,695
thoughts on getting me across.

116
00:06:00,070 --> 00:06:01,060
RON: Why not?!

117
00:06:01,068 --> 00:06:03,136
ARCHER: Because what if
they check the trunk?!

118
00:06:03,204 --> 00:06:06,039
RON: Why would they?
ARCHER: Because that's exactly their job!

119
00:06:06,107 --> 00:06:07,740
RON: Yeah, on the Mexican border!

120
00:06:07,809 --> 00:06:11,397
Who the hell's gonna
sneak in from Canada?!

121
00:06:11,490 --> 00:06:12,576
ARCHER: Arctic wolves?

122
00:06:12,579 --> 00:06:15,648
RON: And even if you had a passport,
what if they checked you for a gun?

123
00:06:15,716 --> 00:06:17,596
ARCHER: I...
RON: You do have a gun, don't you?

124
00:06:17,651 --> 00:06:20,653
ARCHER: Yeah, I...
RON: Yeah, I, so uh, maybe keep it handy.

125
00:06:20,721 --> 00:06:24,825
ARCHER: What? Wait, why would I...
Ron?

126
00:06:24,892 --> 00:06:27,928
Ron. Ron.

127
00:06:27,995 --> 00:06:29,830
Roooooooooooooooooooon!

128
00:06:29,897 --> 00:06:32,365
RON: What?!
ARCHER: Oh.

129
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:35,368
Never mind, I got it.

130
00:06:41,472 --> 00:06:43,962
ARCHER: Ron! Let me outta
the goddamn trunk!

131
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:46,630
We passed the border an hour ago!

132
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,502
RON: Actually more like three hours.

133
00:06:48,622 --> 00:06:51,181
ARCHER: I... well
apparently I took a nap!

134
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,427
Probably all this carbon dioxide.

135
00:06:54,506 --> 00:06:57,725
RON: It's actually monoxide...
ARCHER: Whichever!

136
00:06:57,845 --> 00:06:59,844
Of carbon's many oxides!

137
00:06:59,912 --> 00:07:03,521
Just lemme out! I gotta bitch of a
headache and a bladder full of bourbon!

138
00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:07,649
RON: Just hang on! They always hit
me between Schenectady and Albany.

139
00:07:07,717 --> 00:07:11,962
ARCHER: Who hits you?! RON: Uh...
Those guys.

140
00:07:12,342 --> 00:07:15,178
ARCHER: What the shit! Ron!
RON: Yeah, so listen!

141
00:07:15,284 --> 00:07:18,220
Remember when I said maybe
keep your gun handy?!

142
00:07:18,829 --> 00:07:20,062
ARCHER: Yeah, vaguely!

143
00:07:20,130 --> 00:07:24,566
RON: Well the thing is...
ARCHER: What's the thing, Ron?!

144
00:07:24,634 --> 00:07:27,403
Oh. Never mind!

145
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,968
ARCHER: Goddammit Ron, keep it straight!

146
00:07:36,617 --> 00:07:38,752
ARCHER: Ha ha! Wooooooo!

147
00:07:38,789 --> 00:07:43,375
Did you whoa whoa whoa Ron, compensate!
RON: I am compensating!

148
00:07:43,387 --> 00:07:46,422
ARCHER: No no no no no,
look out, you're...

149
00:07:53,108 --> 00:07:55,376
Overcompensating.

150
00:07:55,389 --> 00:08:01,310
Is what I was gonna say. Right before
I was thrown clear of the vehicle,

151
00:08:01,341 --> 00:08:03,805
almost exactly one
hundred linear feet.

152
00:08:03,826 --> 00:08:06,608
RON: Gimme a break, huh,
that wasn't my fault!

153
00:08:08,079 --> 00:08:11,780
ARCHER: Yeah no, I mean obviously this
was all due to the butterfly effect.

154
00:08:11,781 --> 00:08:15,451
- The what... - Butterfly effect,
ya know, a butterfly in Africa

155
00:08:15,519 --> 00:08:18,554
lands on a giraffe's nose, the
giraffe sneezes, that spooks

156
00:08:18,621 --> 00:08:21,424
a gazelle, the gazelle bonks
into a rhinoceros, and the

157
00:08:21,491 --> 00:08:24,360
rhinoceros blindly stampedes
into a phone booth,

158
00:08:24,428 --> 00:08:30,066
calls New York somehow and says "Hey go
kill this idiot Ron for a suitcase!"

159
00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:33,702
Because the rhinoceros speaks English!

160
00:08:33,770 --> 00:08:37,973
What's in the suitcase, Ron?

161
00:08:38,041 --> 00:08:40,409
Why is that in the suitcase, Ron?!

162
00:08:40,477 --> 00:08:44,313
RON: What, I should use a plastic bag?
ARCHER: Or this new thing called the bank?!

163
00:08:44,381 --> 00:08:47,303
RON: Well, it's not exactly...
Clean, money.

164
00:08:47,431 --> 00:08:48,689
ARCHER: No, shit.

165
00:08:48,704 --> 00:08:53,560
LANA: No, I'm serious... Name one, just
one single favor, that Archer ever did

166
00:08:53,597 --> 00:08:54,599
for any of you.

167
00:08:54,638 --> 00:08:56,259
EVERYBODY: [ Ummm ]

168
00:08:56,326 --> 00:08:58,661
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh! Oh
my God, chlamydia.

169
00:08:58,728 --> 00:09:01,097
Which put me over my deductible,
so the rest of that year all my

170
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,599
doctor visits were totally free, score!

171
00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:04,867
EVERYBODY: Wow.
CHERYL/CAROL: Right?

172
00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:06,769
PAM: How much did you
go to the damn doctor?

173
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:09,839
CHERYL/CAROL: I dunno, like, a lot...
I kept getting chlamydia.

174
00:09:09,907 --> 00:09:12,508
Oww!
GILLETTE: Get! Off! Chlamydiot!

175
00:09:12,575 --> 00:09:15,411
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, I get it...
because of the chlamydia.

176
00:09:15,478 --> 00:09:16,712
Oh, and I'm an idiot.

177
00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:18,948
ARCHER: Because of course
you keep getting robbed!

178
00:09:19,016 --> 00:09:21,483
Why're you driving around with a
suitcase full of dirty money?

179
00:09:21,551 --> 00:09:25,021
RON: It's kind of a long story...
ARCHER: Well we've got all day!

180
00:09:25,088 --> 00:09:29,292
Nobody's gonna pick us up, we look like...
The Ballad of the Flim-Flam Man.

181
00:09:29,359 --> 00:09:31,027
RON: The what?
ARCHER: Guy Owen?

182
00:09:31,094 --> 00:09:32,718
Jesus, Ron, read a book.

183
00:09:32,733 --> 00:09:35,570
Maybe between biannual
suitcase robberies.

184
00:09:35,598 --> 00:09:37,566
RON: I don't know who
keeps tipping 'em off.

185
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:39,668
And anyway, you mean semiannual.

186
00:09:39,736 --> 00:09:40,836
ARCHER: They're the same thing!

187
00:09:40,904 --> 00:09:45,241
RON: No, biannual means every two years...
ARCHER: That's biennial!

188
00:09:45,308 --> 00:09:49,011
Bi-, or semi-annual,
means every six months!

189
00:09:49,079 --> 00:09:52,381
RON: Oh. Then
yeah, biannually.

190
00:09:52,449 --> 00:09:53,815
Or semi.

191
00:09:53,883 --> 00:09:58,521
ARCHER: Speaking of...
RON: Manhattan, yes, thank you,

192
00:09:58,588 --> 00:10:00,389
and you're sure you can
get us there by seven?

193
00:10:00,424 --> 00:10:01,690
TRUCKER: Oh yeah. Just
hop in the back there.

194
00:10:01,758 --> 00:10:04,160
ARCHER: What like, the back back?

195
00:10:04,227 --> 00:10:06,429
TRUCKER: Yeah, sorry, you'all
can't ride in the cab.

196
00:10:06,496 --> 00:10:11,167
Insurance bullshit, compliments of
them democratic queers in congress.

197
00:10:11,234 --> 00:10:14,070
ARCHER: Or whomever.

198
00:10:14,137 --> 00:10:16,572
Okay, things are looking up!

199
00:10:16,639 --> 00:10:18,474
RON: No no, hey, c'mon, don't do that!

200
00:10:18,542 --> 00:10:19,575
You're gonna get him in trouble!

201
00:10:19,642 --> 00:10:23,011
ARCHER: Ron, nobody's
gonna miss one beer.

202
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,513
Or the eleven more I'm gonna drink.

203
00:10:24,581 --> 00:10:28,150
RON: C'mon, he's an independent trucker...
A small business owner,

204
00:10:28,218 --> 00:10:31,387
out here busting his hump to
provide for his family...

205
00:10:31,455 --> 00:10:35,458
I'm tellin ya, guys like him
are the lifeblood of America.

206
00:10:35,525 --> 00:10:38,894
Not to mention he's driving us
non-stop straight to Manhattan.

207
00:10:38,962 --> 00:10:41,964
ARCHER: Exactly, which should
take about three hours.

208
00:10:42,031 --> 00:10:44,967
Which equals twelve beers.

209
00:10:45,034 --> 00:10:47,703
CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh, okay, here's
your fur coat, from the world's

210
00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:49,472
farthest-away cold storage.

211
00:10:49,539 --> 00:10:52,608
MALORY: Wh-? Did they tell you
to put it in a headlock?!

212
00:10:52,675 --> 00:10:54,410
CHERYL/CAROL: No.
MALORY: Well?!

213
00:10:54,478 --> 00:10:56,812
CHERYL/CAROL: I don't know!
They were like, Persian!

214
00:10:57,602 --> 00:11:00,549
ARCHER: You lost me. RON:
Cadillac's not my real last name.

215
00:11:00,617 --> 00:11:04,686
ARCHER: I... well yeah, I figured
the odds on that were pretty huge.

216
00:11:04,754 --> 00:11:06,988
RON: I changed it.
From Kazinsky.

217
00:11:06,990 --> 00:11:10,759
And before I sold cars... I stole 'em.

218
00:11:10,827 --> 00:11:12,211
ARCHER: You what?!

219
00:11:12,219 --> 00:11:18,601
RON: I mean, this was years and years ago...
Me, Tony, Donny, Joey

220
00:11:18,668 --> 00:11:20,136
and Fat Mike.

221
00:11:20,203 --> 00:11:24,039
That was my crew. And kiddo,
we'd boost anything on wheels.

222
00:11:24,107 --> 00:11:27,176
Or one time, ya know, not even on wheels.

223
00:11:27,244 --> 00:11:30,112
That was forty-five, though,
that didn't hurt the war effort.

224
00:11:30,180 --> 00:11:33,915
Anyhoo... One day it dawns on
me, we're doin' all this work,

225
00:11:33,983 --> 00:11:39,721
but the guys makin' the real money own
the chop shops... So we revised our

226
00:11:39,789 --> 00:11:41,257
business model.

227
00:11:41,324 --> 00:11:46,495
For a few years, lemme tell ya
kid, we were going gangbusters.

228
00:11:46,563 --> 00:11:51,400
Until one day, I'm out gettin meatball
subs for the crew, and... boom.

229
00:11:51,468 --> 00:11:53,969
The cops got all of 'em.
ARCHER: Aw, Fat Mike too?

230
00:11:54,037 --> 00:11:57,706
RON: All of 'em. And they all got
twenty years, because not one of 'em,

231
00:11:57,774 --> 00:12:00,209
not one of 'em gave me up.

232
00:12:00,277 --> 00:12:03,812
Anyway, I used our stash to buy
a legit used car lot, and then

233
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:07,049
my first dealership, and eventually...
ARCHER: Six, yeah, got it.

234
00:12:07,116 --> 00:12:09,851
So the money is...
RON: The least I can do.

235
00:12:09,919 --> 00:12:12,721
It's like back pay, for
all the years they lost.

236
00:12:12,789 --> 00:12:16,792
Plus most of it's from charging poor
saps for that frickin' undercoating.

237
00:12:16,859 --> 00:12:19,461
Never. Get the
undercoating.

238
00:12:19,529 --> 00:12:22,698
But I still don't know who keeps
hiring goons to stick me up.

239
00:12:22,765 --> 00:12:25,067
ARCHER: Yes, you do. RON:
What're you talking about?

240
00:12:25,134 --> 00:12:28,637
ARCHER: Ron, who hasn't been complaining
about not getting his money?

241
00:12:28,705 --> 00:12:32,007
RON: Son of a... Fat Mike!

242
00:12:32,075 --> 00:12:34,009
Wait'll the crew hears this!

243
00:12:34,077 --> 00:12:36,545
He'll be eatin his meatball
subs through a straw.

244
00:12:36,613 --> 00:12:39,181
ARCHER: Wow, and here Mother
thinks you are hands down the

245
00:12:39,249 --> 00:12:42,784
most boringest man on this
entire planet of Earth.

246
00:12:42,852 --> 00:12:44,720
RON: Wh-? She said that?!

247
00:12:44,787 --> 00:12:49,558
- I mean... - He is hands down
the most boringest man on this

248
00:12:49,626 --> 00:12:52,695
entire planet of Earth.

249
00:12:52,762 --> 00:12:55,531
ARCHER: Not in those exact words, but...
RON: She thinks I'm boring?!

250
00:12:55,599 --> 00:12:59,167
ARCHER: Well not after you tell her
you stole a Sherman tank, Master P!

251
00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,770
RON: No no no, you can
never tell her about that!

252
00:13:01,838 --> 00:13:03,839
I'm serious, about any of it!

253
00:13:03,906 --> 00:13:06,007
ARCHER: I...
RON: None of it! Do you hear me?!

254
00:13:06,075 --> 00:13:07,843
ARCHER: Okay!
RON: That's all behind me!

255
00:13:07,910 --> 00:13:10,512
I'm... almost completely legit now!

256
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:12,648
You gotta promise me you're
not going to tell her!

257
00:13:12,716 --> 00:13:14,488
ARCHER: Okay! I promise!

258
00:13:14,932 --> 00:13:17,376
Not that I'll ever get the chance...

259
00:13:17,957 --> 00:13:23,389
Hey guys, if that's, ya know...
how you selfidentify.

260
00:13:28,194 --> 00:13:31,356
ARCHER: Wow. Okay, so...

261
00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:36,848
Apparently we have stumbled
into what I'm just gonna assume is...

262
00:13:37,158 --> 00:13:40,908
some kind of unspeakably
rapey snuff film...

263
00:13:41,316 --> 00:13:44,426
yep, look at that, there's
even a craft services table...

264
00:13:44,648 --> 00:13:46,956
But my uh...
RON: Stepdad.

265
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:50,571
ARCHER: Mother's husband, has to
be back in time for the opera,

266
00:13:50,691 --> 00:13:54,060
I know, rich people problems,
so even though all you guys

267
00:13:54,128 --> 00:13:57,697
have bats and pipes and...
wow, Shorty over there's got a

268
00:13:57,765 --> 00:14:03,803
club with lumps on it, kickin it Bedrock
style... does anybody have a gun.

269
00:14:03,871 --> 00:14:05,515
Anybody? Gun?

270
00:14:05,635 --> 00:14:09,293
Probably looks a little
something like this? No?

271
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:12,444
Okay, so I guess just me then.

272
00:14:12,512 --> 00:14:15,458
Now, for various reasons
which frankly don't concern you,

273
00:14:15,497 --> 00:14:16,741
we can't call the police,

274
00:14:16,784 --> 00:14:18,642
so we're just gonna go, but...

275
00:14:18,762 --> 00:14:21,123
RON: What?!
No no no no no, screw that!

276
00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:23,330
Shoot these degenerate pricks!
ARCHER: Ron?

277
00:14:23,456 --> 00:14:25,990
RON: Starting with C.W. McCall-girl
over there!

278
00:14:26,058 --> 00:14:28,059
ARCHER: Ron.
RON: Well at leastkneecap the sonsabitches!

279
00:14:28,126 --> 00:14:29,527
ARCHER: Ron!
RON: What?!

280
00:14:29,595 --> 00:14:32,530
What, you outta bullets?!

281
00:14:32,598 --> 00:14:33,998
Well, how the hell was
I supposed to know?!

282
00:14:34,066 --> 00:14:36,968
ARCHER: You saw me shoot the mob guys!

283
00:14:37,035 --> 00:14:40,037
- So?!
- So it holds a finite number of bullets!

284
00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:42,055
It's not a frickin phaser!

285
00:14:42,076 --> 00:14:45,078
RON: A what?

286
00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:49,180
ARCHER: Oh my God! It's just like
Carol said the old gypsy woman said!

287
00:14:49,248 --> 00:14:51,215
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, she said
it would be like some freaky

288
00:14:51,283 --> 00:14:55,052
parallel universe, where John
Waters directed "The Road Warrior"!

289
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,221
ARCHER: Uh-huh. Then
what, they kill me?

290
00:14:57,289 --> 00:15:00,169
CHERYL/CAROL: No, shut up,
that's the awesome part!

291
00:15:01,130 --> 00:15:04,346
ARCHER: There it is! Look, Ron!
The train!

292
00:15:04,397 --> 00:15:06,498
I gotta start going to that gypsy.

293
00:15:06,565 --> 00:15:11,903
RON: We'll never... we can't make it...
ARCHER: Yes we can!

294
00:15:11,970 --> 00:15:15,707
If... dammit, if only there
was a way to slow them down!

295
00:15:15,775 --> 00:15:16,608
Make it rain?

296
00:15:16,675 --> 00:15:17,515
What am I, an Indian?

297
00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:18,976
PAM: Pacman Jones!

298
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:21,078
ARCHER: Oh.

299
00:15:21,146 --> 00:15:22,346
RON: Huh-uh! No!

300
00:15:22,347 --> 00:15:24,816
ARCHER: Yes, Ron! You
don't defy the gypsy!

301
00:15:24,884 --> 00:15:25,924
RON: What about my crew?!

302
00:15:25,951 --> 00:15:27,985
I've been ripped off
the last three times!

303
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,754
What're they supposed to live on?!

304
00:15:29,822 --> 00:15:33,057
ARCHER: What're they gonna live on
if you're eaten by tranny bikers?!

305
00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:34,492
Ron, look!

306
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:39,664
We'd already be dead if they weren't in...
disturbingly sexy high heels!

307
00:15:39,732 --> 00:15:41,433
[ Train Wistle ]

308
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:42,967
RON: Oh, half.

309
00:15:43,035 --> 00:15:44,675
ARCHER: Okay, that's still a baller move.

310
00:15:44,703 --> 00:15:48,239
Master P would totally be proud.

311
00:15:49,975 --> 00:15:51,810
Or he'd release a diss track.

312
00:15:51,877 --> 00:15:54,011
RON: What is it... half the time
I don't even know what the hell

313
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:55,146
you're talking about!

314
00:15:55,213 --> 00:15:58,917
ARCHER: Well guess what! Me neither!

315
00:15:58,984 --> 00:16:01,853
That son of a... Come on,
we've got a train to catch!

316
00:16:01,921 --> 00:16:05,056
RON: Diss tracks. Jesus Christ,
why'd we even fight a war?

317
00:16:05,123 --> 00:16:07,191
ARCHER: Ron!
RON: What, I'm serious!

318
00:16:07,259 --> 00:16:10,094
ARCHER: So's this train, asshole!

319
00:16:10,162 --> 00:16:11,429
RON: Oh, I'm the asshole?!

320
00:16:11,497 --> 00:16:13,431
ARCHER: It's... just get a running start!

321
00:16:13,499 --> 00:16:16,300
RON: I'm not jumping on that damn thing!

322
00:16:16,368 --> 00:16:18,837
ARCHER: Really?!
How bout now?!

323
00:16:18,904 --> 00:16:20,804
RON: Son of a...!

324
00:16:22,575 --> 00:16:26,410
ARCHER: Come on! Run like you're younger!

325
00:16:26,479 --> 00:16:27,846
Okay, now gimme your hand!

326
00:16:27,913 --> 00:16:30,348
RON: I can't!
ARCHER: Yes you can!

327
00:16:30,415 --> 00:16:34,085
RON: Rrrrrrngh! C'mon
grab it, grab it!

328
00:16:34,152 --> 00:16:37,421
ARCHER: Well now hang on a second...
RON: What're you doing?!

329
00:16:37,490 --> 00:16:40,825
ARCHER: Thinking about how much I
hate it that Mother married you!

330
00:16:40,893 --> 00:16:44,128
RON: You don't hate it she married me...
ARCHER: No, yeah, I...

331
00:16:44,196 --> 00:16:46,865
RON:... you hate it she married anybody!

332
00:16:46,932 --> 00:16:49,567
Cause you want her all to yourself!

333
00:16:49,635 --> 00:16:51,275
ARCHER: What?!
RON: Paging Doctor Bates!

334
00:16:51,303 --> 00:16:53,471
Doctor Norman Bates...
ARCHER: Hey shut up!

335
00:16:53,539 --> 00:16:55,272
And also eww!

336
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:58,477
And...
RON: Sterling, please!

337
00:17:00,706 --> 00:17:03,214
Oh my God.
Thank you, Sterling.

338
00:17:03,281 --> 00:17:04,849
ARCHER: You're welcome, shut up.

339
00:17:04,917 --> 00:17:09,220
Norman Bates. Ya know...
RON: I apologize, that was out of line.

340
00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:16,728
But come on, you gotta admit the
relationship you two have is... unhealthy.

341
00:17:16,795 --> 00:17:21,165
ARCHER: No, Ron, I don't have
to admit that, because...

342
00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:24,468
Okay, try not to ruin it this time.

343
00:17:26,204 --> 00:17:28,006
HOBOS: Waaaaaaaooof!

344
00:17:28,073 --> 00:17:30,508
RON: Jesus...
ARCHER: Yeah, you see how their legs broke?

345
00:17:30,576 --> 00:17:32,810
That's because they didn't
use the parachute fall.

346
00:17:32,878 --> 00:17:34,998
Which I don't have time to
teach you properly, but...

347
00:17:35,047 --> 00:17:38,550
RON: Why would you want to?
ARCHER: Because I take pride in my work?

348
00:17:38,617 --> 00:17:41,252
RON: Why would you teach
it to me it at all?!

349
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:43,087
ARCHER: Oh. We gotta jump off the train.

350
00:17:43,155 --> 00:17:45,790
RON Wh-?! We just jumped on the train!

351
00:17:45,858 --> 00:17:48,026
ARCHER: Yeah, and it's going
about twenty miles an hour, and

352
00:17:48,093 --> 00:17:52,196
there goes a sign for Catskill, so...
RON: So it'll take six hours to get home.

353
00:17:52,264 --> 00:17:55,332
ARCHER: If we don't get
rousted by the bulls.

354
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,602
I also don't have time to
teach you how to speak hobo.

355
00:17:57,670 --> 00:18:01,539
RON: But wait a minute, hang on, why
would you want me to make the opera?

356
00:18:01,607 --> 00:18:04,241
ARCHER: I dunno, maybe you
were right about a few things,

357
00:18:04,309 --> 00:18:07,979
and maybe you're good for Mother, and...
maybe shut up

358
00:18:08,047 --> 00:18:09,948
before I lose my temper again.

359
00:18:10,015 --> 00:18:14,218
RON: I got a dealership in Catskill...
ARCHER: So we grab a Caddy and drive in style.

360
00:18:14,286 --> 00:18:17,922
RON: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we could just make it...
But it's going too fast to jump off!

361
00:18:17,990 --> 00:18:19,390
Look at those poles zipping by!

362
00:18:19,458 --> 00:18:21,059
ARCHER: No, no, no, don't
look at the poles!

363
00:18:21,126 --> 00:18:22,794
They give you a false perspective!

364
00:18:22,861 --> 00:18:29,500
Try and focus on a distant
landmark, like... The ground.

365
00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:31,869
Woooooooo!

366
00:18:31,937 --> 00:18:34,672
Hey! See how I did that?

367
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:38,242
Ron?

368
00:18:38,310 --> 00:18:40,177
RON: Seven-thirty! We just might make it!

369
00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,871
You sure he'll be out there?

370
00:18:41,905 --> 00:18:43,246
ARCHER: He better be.

371
00:18:43,281 --> 00:18:45,083
Yeah, there he is...

372
00:18:46,575 --> 00:18:47,810
WOODHOUSE: Here
you go, sir.

373
00:18:47,853 --> 00:18:50,855
I took the liberty of taking
in the jacket a bit, and...

374
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:52,107
ARCHER: Woodhouse.
WOODHOUSE: Yessir?

375
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:53,992
ARCHER: Doesn't even come close
to making up for leaving me

376
00:18:54,059 --> 00:18:55,392
stranded in Montreal.

377
00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:57,895
WOODHOUSE: No sir.
ARCHER: So go get ready.

378
00:18:57,963 --> 00:19:01,432
Your punishment will begin when I get
back from dropping him off at the opera.

379
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,534
RON: Wait, you think that's a good idea?

380
00:19:03,602 --> 00:19:07,438
ARCHER: Ron? Look, I know we
accidentally bonded a little, but do not

381
00:19:07,506 --> 00:19:09,907
tell me how to discipline my servant!

382
00:19:09,975 --> 00:19:11,175
RON: I meant dropping me off.

383
00:19:11,176 --> 00:19:13,431
If your mother thinks
we're all buddy-buddy...

384
00:19:13,509 --> 00:19:16,926
ARCHER: Yeah, that would
drive her insane...

385
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:23,587
WOODHOUSE: Sometimes I think
I should just run away.

386
00:19:23,656 --> 00:19:25,489
But who would take me in?

387
00:19:25,557 --> 00:19:29,193
No one, Woodhouse... no one.

388
00:19:29,261 --> 00:19:32,030
MALORY: And just what
in the hell is this?

389
00:19:32,097 --> 00:19:33,931
ARCHER: Just dropping off my buddy Ron!

390
00:19:33,999 --> 00:19:37,268
MALORY: Buddy?! Why,
how, and since when?!

391
00:19:37,335 --> 00:19:40,471
RON: Long story babe, and look,
we really gotta hustle if we

392
00:19:40,539 --> 00:19:41,806
wanna make that curtain!

393
00:19:41,874 --> 00:19:46,844
ARCHER: Yeah, and I gotta go make an
old man eat a big bowl of spiderwebs.

394
00:19:46,912 --> 00:19:50,748
See ya buddy!

395
00:19:52,785 --> 00:19:58,873
RON: Duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh...

396
00:19:58,993 --> 00:20:06,643
ARCHER: Duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh...

397
00:20:07,762 --> 00:20:11,135
Woodhouse, I'm gonna check that bowl!

398
00:20:11,203 --> 00:20:14,205
WOODHOUSE: [brief, low sob]

399
00:20:16,457 --> 00:20:17,657
Good day.

400
00:20:17,911 --> 00:20:28,047
Sync and corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

400
00:20:29,305 --> 00:20:35,493
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