1
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:06,923
Anything?
2
00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:08,633
Nope. Nobody know squat.
3
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,218
What the here is going on?
4
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,595
We haven't had any new
humans to torture in, like, a week.
5
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,181
- I miss it.
- I know.
6
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:15,390
I got so desperate this morning,
7
00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,024
I tried flattening an eggplant.
8
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:18,476
It's just not the same.
9
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,437
Hey, skin tags. Special meeting.
10
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:22,189
- About what?
- I don't know.
11
00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:24,691
Probably your dad's stinky sack.
12
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,736
I hope it's not more
sexual harassment training.
13
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:31,781
We just did that,
and I'm already so good at it.
14
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,327
Whoa. All right. We got them.
15
00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:37,496
Okay, here we go!
16
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:40,582
Yeah, uh,
that's not exactly what's happening here.
17
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:43,167
The Bad Place is going to be changing,
18
00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:46,963
and I'm...
well, I'm kind of your boss now.
19
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,007
He's joking, right?
20
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,509
I'm afraid he's not.
Things are changing.
21
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,304
Michael and I are actually going to be...
22
00:00:57,641 --> 00:01:00,685
Working together. Ugh. Oh, I hated that.
23
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,270
I hated saying it. Hated how it felt.
24
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,730
Hated all of it. Ugh.
25
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,106
You all have been hand-selected
26
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,108
to be the very first
27
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,569
Bad Place Architects who
will learn the new system.
28
00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:12,239
Why do we need a new system?
Torture works.
29
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:13,948
It's the way it's always been done.
30
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,492
With all due respect,
31
00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,368
"it's the way it's always been done"
32
00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:19,871
is an excuse that's been
used for hundreds of years
33
00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:22,290
to justify racism, misogyny...
34
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:25,710
Exactly. See? This chick gets it.
35
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,510
So these computers have access
36
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:36,179
to every file for every human
37
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:37,931
currently in the Bad Place,
38
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,640
and the three of us
have a very important job.
39
00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:41,684
To find out which former U.S. presidents
40
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:42,810
were secretly gay.
41
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,437
- No.
- Okay, fine, bi.
42
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,398
Sure, but also,
43
00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,065
while Michael is trying to
get the Architects trained,
44
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:49,359
we're supposed to find
45
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,277
the first 1,000 humans
to take the test...
46
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,404
People who will just
sail right through it
47
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,448
so we can build confidence in the system.
48
00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:56,949
So what are the criteria?
49
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,118
Should it be people
with the highest point total
50
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,913
or overcame the greatest hardship?
51
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,623
Or do we treat it like a nightclub...
52
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:05,458
The hottest people get to skip the line.
53
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,960
Just saying,
might've found a loophole for us.
54
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,253
I think we just start with the gimmes...
55
00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:10,755
The very best people who ever lived.
56
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:15,176
So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,
57
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,763
DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so
we can wish for infinity people.
58
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,181
- Jason...
- Sure, throw me in there, too.
59
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,599
Also, Fat Bastard,
60
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,309
the World's Most Interesting Man,
61
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:26,021
Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's,
62
00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:29,982
Grumpy Cat, and the GPS
lady that tells you where to drive.
63
00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:31,943
Feels like a good stopping point.
64
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,986
Let's call it a day,
come back fresh tomorrow.
65
00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,406
- Great job, everyone.
- What... Uh...
66
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:43,412
Okay, Janet's passing out
the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,
67
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,874
who volunteered to
be today's test subject.
68
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:47,875
So take a look, and then we'll get going.
69
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,586
They don't seem very enthused.
70
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,671
This may be a tougher
challenge than I thought,
71
00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:54,590
like when I tried to teach
Taylor Swift how to dance.
72
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,842
The longest four years of my life.
73
00:02:56,926 --> 00:03:00,054
We're uprooting the
entire Bad Place system,
74
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,238
and these Architects
are set in their ways.
75
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,392
It's gonna take a lot of work,
76
00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:07,145
but the work is the fun part, guys.
77
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,146
So no matter who long it takes,
78
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:13,317
we'll see it through and usher
in a better, brighter future.
79
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:16,487
Screw this.
I'm not working for a traitor.
80
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,615
Phil out. That's my name, Phil.
81
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,742
Oh, Phil, hey. Come on, buddy.
82
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:24,787
I personally chose you
based on your innovative work
83
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,039
in the Performative Wokeness department.
84
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:30,168
Wow,
way to mansplain my own department to me.
85
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,961
And I'm triggered.
86
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,757
Oh, man. What a legend.
87
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,258
Ooh, who you reading about?
88
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,635
Me. I ruled on Earth.
89
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,764
I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.
90
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:46,726
Even if the car was
moving or on fire or a boat,
91
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,352
I still always got that gas.
92
00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:50,521
Oh, man. I never thought about the fact
93
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,148
that we could look up our own files.
94
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,109
Yeah, I printed out all of ours.
95
00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:58,946
I love you, okay?
96
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,240
Oh.
The words are nice, but the tone is scary.
97
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,825
We're in love, and everything's great,
98
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,577
and if we want to keep it that way,
99
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,954
you have to promise to never,
ever, ever read my file.
100
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,664
Okay.
101
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:10,666
If you don't want me to,
then of course I won't,
102
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,752
but nothing in there could ever
change how I feel about you.
103
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:15,547
Eh, you say that now, but you don't know
104
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:17,465
what I did on Halloween 2013.
105
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,382
What did you do on Halloween 2013?
106
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,552
Oh, I don't remember,
but it must've been bad,
107
00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:23,721
because the next morning,
I woke up in a large
108
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,098
Rubbermaid container in
some family's basement,
109
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,768
and I had barfed all over
their old photo albums.
110
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,269
Yeah, see, that's the look
111
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:31,896
we're trying to avoid here, bud.
112
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,522
I don't need to read your file.
113
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:36,442
I know you, and I love you.
114
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:40,404
And I can't wait to
spend eternity with you.
115
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:44,075
I mean, obviously,
we have a lot of work to do here,
116
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:45,785
and then we both have to pass the test,
117
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,578
but eventually we're
gonna be together forever...
118
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,163
You have to read my file right now!
119
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,666
What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
120
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,585
Is it a sex game somehow?
121
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,044
I can't risk it.
122
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,505
What if we spend
half of eternity together
123
00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:59,006
and then you find out something
124
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,841
that does change the
way you feel about me
125
00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:04,554
and then you resent me
for wasting half your eternity?
126
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,972
No,
it's better we just rip the Band-Aid off,
127
00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:08,474
and you read about all the bad stuff now
128
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:09,684
when we're hot and heavy.
129
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:12,061
Okay. I'll read your file.
130
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,146
Can I finish reading
about Oskar Schindler first?
131
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:16,983
That's who I got to follow?
The list guy?
132
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,360
You and I are so screwed, dude.
133
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:21,327
After as many attempts as it takes,
134
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,239
if your human passes the test and proves
135
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,281
that they deserve to
go to the Good Place,
136
00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:26,075
you'll hear this sound.
137
00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,327
Good Place, here I come.
138
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,538
This new system is great.
139
00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:34,292
Who do we have to thank
for effortlessly implementing it?
140
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,168
Whoever it is, I think we can all agree
141
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:37,712
it was a home run.
142
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:40,548
It was me. Okay, bye, everyone.
143
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:44,135
Sweet Hitler's hairpiece.
Is this movie finally over?
144
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,011
It's basically over. Just one little...
145
00:05:46,095 --> 00:05:48,473
♪ It's simply the test ♪
146
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:55,187
♪ Better than other tests ♪
147
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,523
- I think we should stop.
- Okay, so, thoughts?
148
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,693
Yeah. This all sounds so lame.
149
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:03,154
No, it's the current system that's lame.
150
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,781
It's so basic.
151
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:06,782
You get a human's file,
and let's be honest,
152
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,492
you never even read it.
153
00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:10,826
You just skip to the
fears and phobias section
154
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,455
and use that to torture them.
155
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,958
Fear of snakes,
throw them in a snake pit.
156
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:17,126
Worried something's
gonna happen to your normal
157
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,379
cylindrical penis, flatten it.
158
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,672
This new way allows you to test
159
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,967
their specific psychological
flaws and weaknesses.
160
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,220
And trust us, they have plenty.
161
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,262
- Hey.
- Sorry.
162
00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:29,847
I'm in selling mode.
163
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,348
Guys, this is your chance to be part
164
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,101
of a bold new future.
165
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,229
You telling me there's
not one single demon
166
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,107
who wants to design
the very first sample test
167
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,525
of this new system?
168
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,193
Oh, there is.
169
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,487
And she's a stone-cold fox.
170
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,700
Vicky, what are you doing here?
171
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:52,119
Relax. I heard about the new system,
172
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,537
I love it, and I want to be a part of it.
173
00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:55,874
Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical,
174
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,792
given that you did once try to sabotage
175
00:06:57,876 --> 00:06:59,460
my entire Neighborhood.
176
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:02,088
Listen,
you and I have been through a lot.
177
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,589
We worked together,
178
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,841
then you screwed me out
of a good part in the reboots,
179
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,676
then I launched a coup against you,
180
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,554
and then you got me stuck in
a cocoon for hundreds of years.
181
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:13,099
And then I attacked
you at a bar in Canada,
182
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,102
and then I became you by
wearing a Michael skin-suit,
183
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,145
and then you blew me up into goo.
184
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,897
I mean, it has been a whole thing.
185
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,690
You could've just said that last part.
186
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:22,983
But I had a lot of time to think,
187
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,235
while my goo was re-forming.
188
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,945
If things are gonna change,
189
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,114
then I have to change along with them.
190
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:32,535
And, sure, change can be scary,
but I'm an artist
191
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:35,872
which means it's my job to be scared.
192
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,207
All right, fine. Take a seat.
193
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,209
Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
194
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,502
Oh, no, I don't... I don't need her file.
195
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,462
I know Tahani very well...
196
00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:46,882
Self-obsessed, family issues,
way too into being tall.
197
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,760
Typical Vicky... throwing shade.
198
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,553
But it doesn't matter
199
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,388
'cause I'm casting it.
200
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:55,433
Because I'm closer to the Sun.
201
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,268
I'm tall.
202
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:00,521
Oh, no. I knew it.
203
00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:02,481
You hate me now. What did it?
204
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,733
The time I was subpoenaed by
the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
205
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:07,069
- No.
- Oh, I know what it was.
206
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,404
In my defense, I didn't realize
207
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,989
he was my boyfriend's twin
208
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:11,740
until halfway into hooking up with him,
209
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,784
and at that point,
you know, it's a sunk cost.
210
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,369
I don't hate you at all.
211
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:17,204
I mean,
you were dealt a pretty tough hand.
212
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:19,248
You essentially had to raise yourself,
213
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,168
but you were still more
confident and self-possessed
214
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,544
at 13 than I ever was.
215
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,170
I mean, seeing your whole life
216
00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:28,465
all laid out like this, it's
217
00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:30,092
it's remarkable.
218
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,929
Okay, so you still love me.
219
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,889
You're still horny for me,
blah, blah, blah.
220
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,348
Then what's wrong?
221
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,058
I'm not good enough for you.
222
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:39,727
I mean, look at my file.
223
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,438
It is 1/ 10 as long as yours
224
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,649
because I did nothing with my life.
225
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,067
Yeah, we're very different,
but we already knew that.
226
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:48,652
Why are you freaking out?
227
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:50,696
You're cool,
confident Chidi now, remember?
228
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:53,074
I am confident about my feelings for you.
229
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,827
I am also confident
that I am a damn drip,
230
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,163
and you deserve to be
with someone who's not.
231
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:02,291
Like Nicolas,
that fireman that you dated back in 2009.
232
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,084
He rescued people from burning buildings,
233
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,837
and he was so hot.
234
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:09,465
Oh, Nicolas the fireman.
235
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,509
Mmm. Nicolas.
236
00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:15,513
I can't argue with you on that one,
but...
237
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,056
I love you.
238
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,683
There is no one else I want to be with...
239
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,602
At least not forever.
240
00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:24,146
I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants
to make out with me in Heaven,
241
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:25,648
then you and I are gonna
have a conversation,
242
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,651
but if you read my file and you're good,
243
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,194
then we're good,
244
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:31,612
unless there's something in your file
245
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,156
that would freak me out,
246
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:35,032
like you kept out a library
book past the due date.
247
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,534
I moved,
248
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,118
and it got buried in the bottom of a box.
249
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:39,495
I put the library in my
will to make up for it.
250
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,788
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
251
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,207
Relax. Let's get back to work.
252
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,254
Now, when I press this lever,
253
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:52,216
Tahani will enter the scenario
that Megan has designed
254
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,469
that will test her
ethical decision-making.
255
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,721
Obviously, in the real test,
256
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:58,389
the humans won't know
they're being tested,
257
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,725
but this should be a good practice run.
258
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:03,561
Everyone ready?
259
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,315
Hors d'oeuvre?
260
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:09,900
Why, yes. Thank you.
261
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,652
Chain saw bear!
262
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,240
Okay, so couple of things.
263
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:19,452
We're not using chain saw bears anymore,
remember?
264
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,787
Right. Okay, yeah.
265
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,372
What else?
266
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,291
It was mainly that one thing.
Why don't you try again?
267
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:29,462
And remember,
the challenges your test subject faces
268
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,965
should be smaller and...
and more relatable.
269
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,258
Okay.
270
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:37,052
Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.
271
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,679
Is it farm-raised salmon?
272
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,806
'Cause I prefer to
support sustainable fishing.
273
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,225
Mondays. Am I right?
274
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:45,477
Chain saw!
275
00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,411
You said smaller and more relatable.
276
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,064
The bear is smaller,
277
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,150
humans hate Mondays and love bacon.
278
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,526
What do you want from me?
279
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,529
Michael, can I try?
280
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:56,613
I can show them what you're trying to do.
281
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,366
Fine, Vicky. Go ahead.
282
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,745
Now, first,
I need to get into Tahani's headspace.
283
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,163
'Ello, love. Pish-posh.
284
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,248
Tuna and pickles.
285
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:10,586
I once played billiards with
Questlove and Olivia Munn.
286
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,212
Yeah, there she is.
287
00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:13,965
Okay, just give me a second.
288
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,758
Whew.
289
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,927
Just finished reading up
about James Buchanan.
290
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:22,014
Definitely at least a little bi.
291
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,100
I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile.
292
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,726
What's up, man?
293
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,728
I thought you'd be more
into this selection process.
294
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,813
Hey, Eleanor,
could you go get us some snacks?
295
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:31,273
I can try. What do you want?
296
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,775
It doesn't matter, it's just an excuse
297
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,526
for me to talk to Chidi without you.
298
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,320
I mean, chips.
299
00:11:41,325 --> 00:11:43,118
What's going on, dog?
I know you're upset.
300
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,829
- You have a tell.
- I do?
301
00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,247
Yeah, you "telled" Eleanor
before that you were upset,
302
00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:48,874
and I think you still are.
303
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,667
Looking at Eleanor's life
304
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:52,711
made me realize how different we are.
305
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,631
If the system works and
we both pass our tests,
306
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,800
I don't see any version of eternity
307
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,718
where she doesn't get bored of me.
308
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:02,387
I mean, my fake heaven was
a 600-square-foot apartment
309
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:04,890
that was essentially a
bookcase and a toilet,
310
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,517
and I loved it.
311
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:09,604
So what?
It's cool that you guys are so different.
312
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,939
Sometimes two people
who have nothing in common
313
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,983
get together, and it rules.
314
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,400
Opposites attract.
315
00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:16,944
Well, you need that to be true
316
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,946
because you're dating Janet.
317
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:20,322
Ultimate opposites.
318
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,075
So, what, are you saying
319
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,994
Janet might get bored of me?
320
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:27,287
No, that's not...
I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean...
321
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,165
Man... Oh, no.
322
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,584
No, Jason, come back. I...
323
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,547
I wish I were back in my toilet library.
324
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:39,008
And places.
325
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:40,551
And
326
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,386
action.
327
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,516
Can you believe we're still
having this dinner for Kamilah?
328
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,143
So embarrassing.
329
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,228
She doesn't know this yet,
but I heard that the reviews
330
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,522
for her new album are
going to be dreadful.
331
00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:55,983
The rumor is that the
label is going to drop her.
332
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,277
I heard she may have to fly home coach
333
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,571
and check a bag, whatever that means.
334
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,449
Thank you, everyone,
335
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,118
for coming to celebrate
our daughter Kamilah.
336
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,745
I know you're all very busy these days.
337
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,622
Just look at our other daughter, Tahani.
338
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,875
She had to come straight from the gym.
339
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:16,003
Would anyone like to
say a few words of praise
340
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:20,257
about Kamilah's latest album
or any other aspect of Kamilah?
341
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,635
There are so many to celebrate.
342
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,595
Perhaps Tahani should speak.
343
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,597
She's had her share of failures recently.
344
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,308
Celebrating me could be therapeutic.
345
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:32,895
Certainly. I can say something.
346
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,733
But I have no idea what.
347
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,861
Goodness, this is hard.
348
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,239
Well done, Vicky.
349
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:44,740
That was quite good... for the system.
350
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,951
For me, it was rather traumatic.
351
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:48,869
Okay, so, like,
her parents were the chain saw bear,
352
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,579
but instead of chopping off her head,
353
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,957
they chopped off her self-esteem?
354
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:54,709
Yes, Megan. Good.
355
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,376
Take what you know about them
356
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:58,962
and then force them into
moments of personal difficulty.
357
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:02,842
Think of it as flattening
the penises of their heart.
358
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:05,344
Oh. Now it makes sense.
359
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,012
Why don't you go deeper into her file
360
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,014
and look for other ways to challenge her?
361
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:11,642
All right, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, slow down here.
362
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,560
Vicky's example was fine.
363
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,062
Better than fine.
364
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:16,688
I didn't even have my memory wiped
365
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:18,565
and it was still difficult.
366
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:20,151
Yep, Vicky cracked the code.
367
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,361
At this rate,
they'll get the hang of it in no time,
368
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:25,405
we can kick back,
grab an ice cold nothing...
369
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:27,449
I can't eat or drink... and relax.
370
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,951
I can't do that either.
371
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,119
Look, there was some good stuff there.
372
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:34,457
But overall, uh, C-plus.
It was a C-plus, I'd say.
373
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:36,124
There are some problems with it,
374
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,169
some technical issues that
only I can see and everything.
375
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,881
So, basically, it actually kind of stunk.
376
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,508
So I think it's just best if you leave,
Vicky.
377
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,301
This is not working. You're bad at this.
378
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,095
C-plus. Okay, good-bye.
379
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,097
Wow. Same old Michael.
380
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:51,766
Just can't share the spotlight.
381
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,809
- Hmm.
- Well, good-bye, everyone.
382
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,062
That's a wrap on Vicky.
383
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,734
Now that Vicky's out of our hair
384
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,319
maybe we can make some progress.
385
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,988
Why'd you do that dingus?
386
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,239
She was helping us.
387
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:10,034
I didn't understand squat
until she explained it.
388
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,202
Sure you did.
389
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,954
Look,
Vicky's just not right for this project
390
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:15,539
but you guys are great!
391
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,500
Michael. A word?
392
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:18,959
Right, right.
393
00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:20,794
To entertain you while we're gone
394
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,379
here is Pirates of the Carribean 12,
395
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:24,263
Jack Sparrow fights Aquaman probably
396
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:26,842
I mean at this point,
what does it matter?
397
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:31,680
Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
398
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:34,141
Look,
I know she did well on the first test,
399
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,642
but it's beginner's luck.
400
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:38,187
There's an X factor here
401
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,648
a secret sauce that only I truly know
402
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,816
how to pour over
403
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:46,069
the... the juicy s-steak of this process.
404
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,322
I've never said this before, but... what?
405
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,115
Not only is Vicky good at test design,
406
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,867
but she's good at teaching the others.
407
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,660
Well, that's the problem.
She's moving too fast.
408
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,454
We have to learn how
to walk before we can run.
409
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:56,997
So, first,
you thought it would take forever,
410
00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:58,541
and now it's moving too fast?
411
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,625
First of all, you know, uh, shut up.
412
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:01,960
A-and second of all,
413
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,337
just shut up.
414
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,047
It's obvious what's going on here.
415
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,924
You don't want your nemesis
416
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,300
to be the one to solve your problem.
417
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:09,551
I know that feeling.
418
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,094
Once, on Earth, I didn't know something,
419
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:13,138
and I had to ask Alexa.
420
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:15,557
I felt dirty.
421
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:19,311
No, that's not it.
422
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,398
I'm upset, because for hundreds of years,
423
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,274
I've had a job.
424
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:27,403
First, it was finding a
better way to torture humans,
425
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:28,695
then helping them,
426
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:31,198
then proving the system was broken,
427
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,033
then teaching the demons.
428
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,287
I have to roll a rock
up a hill over and over,
429
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:40,207
and then it kept rolling down,
so I had to do it again.
430
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,543
And then Vicky comes along with this
431
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:46,088
like, rock-lifter thing
432
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,591
and just lifts it to the top of the hill.
433
00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:51,802
Pushing the rock up the
hill gave me a purpose.
434
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:54,388
Who am I
435
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:57,349
if the rock's gone?
436
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,060
Ironically,
that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me
437
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:01,728
when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in
438
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:04,148
"The Fast and the Furious 9."
439
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,025
Not helpful?
440
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,401
Copy that.
441
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:09,152
Honestly...
442
00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:10,904
Michael,
I don't know what's to become of you,
443
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,364
or any of us.
444
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,241
But getting Vicky back
445
00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,992
is the best chance to
make your plan work now,
446
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,619
so focus on that
447
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,830
and deal with the future in the future.
448
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,125
Hey.
449
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,836
Um...
450
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,089
I'm sorry I said that before, man.
451
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,341
No, you were right.
452
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:35,804
Janet and I are different.
Maybe it can't last.
453
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,182
Maybe we're like the
Montagues and Capulets.
454
00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:39,391
How do you know that?
455
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,560
I read some books, man.
456
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,103
Jeez.
457
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:46,690
You really think I'm dumb,
just like Janet probably does.
458
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:49,651
Uh, listen.
459
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,237
Maybe on paper,
you and Janet don't make total sense,
460
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,822
but who cares?
461
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:57,326
The relationship you have
built together is wonderful.
462
00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:01,538
She knows you and loves you,
and that's all that matters.
463
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,922
- Do you really believe that?
- Of course I do.
464
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,002
Sucker!
465
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,045
Sorry?
466
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,672
I got you so bad.
467
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,590
Dude, pretend what you just said
468
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,633
was what you said to
you instead of to me.
469
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:15,469
And you have to listen to yourself,
470
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,053
because it was already in your own head
471
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:18,305
and then came out.
472
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,172
But just put it back in your head,
473
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:24,979
and realize that it was you
talking about you and Eleanor.
474
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:28,773
Against all odds, I know what you mean,
475
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,067
and I-I got to give it up.
476
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,820
That was... that was good.
477
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:34,154
Yeah, it was.
478
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:36,031
Chess mate.
479
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:42,704
Hey!
480
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,080
There she is.
481
00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,874
Where you off to?
482
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,586
I have an ice-cold yoga class.
483
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,713
It's amazing. You pull so many muscles.
484
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,049
What do you want?
485
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,135
I-I'm sorry that I kicked you out.
486
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,886
I-it wasn't about you.
487
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:01,515
It was just my own
insecurities getting in the way.
488
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,266
Will you please come back?
489
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:05,060
No.
490
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,771
I'm not gonna let myself
be degraded by you again.
491
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:10,774
I am a strong, independent acid snake
492
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,485
in the skin suit of a strong,
independent woman.
493
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:16,613
Listen, listen, uh...
494
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,241
You were the best part of
my original Neighborhood.
495
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:22,702
I took you for granted,
and that was wrong.
496
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:26,456
But now I want to give
you the role of a lifetime.
497
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,167
You're going to run the whole project.
498
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:31,920
I'll give you all my plans and my notes,
499
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,422
but then I'll... I'll step back, and...
and you'll take over.
500
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:37,133
Full creative control
501
00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:38,385
like a director.
502
00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:39,762
What do you say?
503
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,889
Well, um
504
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:44,057
that sounds great, but it won't work.
505
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,059
Everyone here hates you so much,
506
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,770
if you just put me in control,
they'll think I'm your puppet.
507
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:50,939
I can't have any of your
dingleberry stank on me.
508
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,274
I know.
509
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:55,318
That's why I'm not giving it to you.
510
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:56,695
You're going to take it.
511
00:19:58,238 --> 00:19:59,323
Hey.
512
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,492
So, uh...
513
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:03,118
I was being stupid.
514
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,330
And Jason gave me
some really good advice.
515
00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:08,082
Classic us.
516
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:10,667
Look, who we were on Earth
517
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,378
is a tiny part of who we are
518
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:16,339
and an even smaller part
of who we are together.
519
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:18,550
So I'm sorry for freaking out.
520
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:21,303
But also,
some day when we get to the Good Place,
521
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:22,470
I'm gonna learn to play the guitar
522
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:24,765
so you don't get bored of me.
523
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,975
I actually prefer drummers.
524
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,227
Read my file.
525
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,313
Sorry for the delay.
526
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,189
Now,
for this next phase of the training...
527
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:34,441
- Stop right there.
- Vicky?
528
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,568
I thought I got rid of you,
529
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,529
and now you're coming
through the door unexpectedly?
530
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,740
That's right. I'm launching a coup.
531
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,283
My, my, my,
532
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:45,493
we've got some history, don't we?
533
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,954
But I am still standing, Mikey boy.
534
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,249
And right now I'm taking over.
535
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:53,377
Explain what you mean
for me and everyone else.
536
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,713
Oh, this is my training now.
You're done.
537
00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:57,756
And all of these demons are behind me,
right, guys?
538
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:58,965
- Yep.
- Yeah.
539
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,218
All right, Vicky, you win
540
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,344
this time.
541
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,179
- Tahani, Janet, let's go.
- Hmm.
542
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:07,057
No, but wait, wait.
We're... we're still fighting.
543
00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:11,895
And it's so heated that, um,
it might just erupt into...
544
00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:14,564
The dance battle from "West Side Story."
545
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:17,192
No, I'm...
I'm too upset about the coup thing.
546
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,609
Hurry up, hurry up,
before she starts singing.
547
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,573
Welcome. Welcome, everyone.
548
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,033
Come on in.
549
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,077
Good Place Architects to my left,
550
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:28,894
Bad place Architects to my right.
551
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:31,164
Get your files and orientation packets.
552
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,625
Classes begin in 30 minutes.
553
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:39,631
Oh, also,
my "Movement for Lava Monsters" class
554
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:40,799
is now full.
555
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:43,635
Aw, man.
556
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,095
You got the rock up the hill.
557
00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:48,014
And it looks like it's gonna stay there.
558
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,267
Now we just have to find your next rock.
559
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:51,810
Well, the first bunch of Neighborhoods
560
00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:52,769
is up and running.
561
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,354
What now?
562
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,481
Well, I was thinking of
putting together a reading list
563
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,149
for the demon actors,
some humanistic literature
564
00:21:58,233 --> 00:21:59,943
to help them get into their roles.
565
00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:03,822
That's the sound when
someone gets into the Good Place.
566
00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:06,116
Who was it? Prince?
It's got to be Prince.
567
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,867
Honestly, if it wasn't Prince,
568
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:09,828
this whole thing is screwed up,
and we got to start over.
569
00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:11,413
No.
570
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:12,915
It's you guys.
571
00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:14,582
For real?
572
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:16,334
The Judge agreed that the four of you
573
00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,044
don't need to take the test.
574
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:20,631
Turns out that saving every soul
575
00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:23,133
in the universe is worth a few points.
576
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:24,301
You're in.
577
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:36,271
I know, I know. It's real this time.
578
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:39,107
I promise.
579
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,859
Get in.
580
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:44,070
- Are you coming, too?
- Yeah, I figured I would.
581
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:45,822
Recently unemployed.
582
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:47,574
Might as well do some traveling.
583
00:22:47,658 --> 00:22:49,910
Shall we?
584
00:22:57,501 --> 00:23:00,128
Oh.
585
00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:02,130
- See ya.
- Bye.
586
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:05,175
Foles!