1
00:00:17,811 --> 00:00:21,929
<i>♪ Through early morning fog I see ♪</i>

2
00:00:22,891 --> 00:00:26,201
<i>♪ Visions of the things to be ♪</i>

3
00:00:26,383 --> 00:00:30,296
<i>♪ The pains that are withheld for me ♪</i>

4
00:00:30,584 --> 00:00:37,103
<i>♪ I realize and I can see ♪</i>

5
00:00:37,546 --> 00:00:41,150
<i>♪ That suicide is painless ♪</i>

6
00:00:41,797 --> 00:00:45,472
<i>♪ It brings on many changes ♪</i>

7
00:00:46,197 --> 00:00:52,830
<i>♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪</i>

8
00:00:54,517 --> 00:00:58,510
<i>♪ The game of life is hard to play ♪</i>

9
00:00:59,243 --> 00:01:02,599
<i>♪ I'm gonna lose it anyway ♪</i>

10
00:01:02,877 --> 00:01:06,710
<i>♪ The losing card I'll someday lay ♪</i>

11
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:14,242
<i>♪ So this is all I have to say ♪</i>

12
00:01:14,570 --> 00:01:18,121
<i>♪ Suicide is painless ♪</i>

13
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:19,280
<i>♪ Suicide ♪</i>

14
00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:21,827
<i>♪ It brings on many changes ♪</i>

15
00:01:21,852 --> 00:01:22,887
<i>♪ Changes ♪</i>

16
00:01:22,912 --> 00:01:31,190
<i>♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪</i>

17
00:01:31,241 --> 00:01:34,995
<i>♪ The sword of time will pierce our skins ♪</i>

18
00:01:35,715 --> 00:01:39,151
<i>♪ It doesn't hurt when it begins ♪</i>

19
00:01:39,863 --> 00:01:43,458
<i>♪ But as it works its way on in ♪</i>

20
00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:50,898
<i>♪ The pain grows stronger, watch it grin ♪</i>

21
00:01:51,477 --> 00:01:54,270
<i>♪ Suicide is painless ♪</i>

22
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:58,066
<i>♪ It brings on many changes ♪</i>

23
00:01:59,183 --> 00:02:07,136
<i>♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪</i>

24
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:11,265
<i>♪ A brave man once requested me ♪</i>

25
00:02:11,704 --> 00:02:15,492
<i>♪ To answer questions that are key ♪</i>

26
00:02:16,323 --> 00:02:20,032
<i>♪ Is it to be or not to be? ♪</i>

27
00:02:20,591 --> 00:02:27,242
<i>♪ And I replied "Oh, why ask me?" ♪</i>

28
00:02:28,057 --> 00:02:30,651
<i>♪ Suicide is painless ♪</i>

29
00:02:31,502 --> 00:02:34,986
<i>♪ It brings on many changes ♪</i>

30
00:02:35,737 --> 00:02:42,728
<i>♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪</i>

31
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:50,040
<i>♪ And you can do the same thing ♪</i>

32
00:02:50,131 --> 00:03:03,179
<i>♪ If you please ♪</i>

33
00:03:07,605 --> 00:03:08,690
- Radar!
- Yes, sir.

34
00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:10,709
- Get a hold of Major Burns.
- I guess I better call Major Burns.

35
00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:12,127
- Tell him we have to hold…
- Tell him to put another

36
00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,796
- day surgeon on night shift.
- … a couple of surgeons

37
00:03:13,820 --> 00:03:14,922
over from the day shift
onto the night shift.

38
00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:16,090
I'll put in a call to
General Hammond in Seoul.

39
00:03:16,114 --> 00:03:17,258
Get General Hammond in Seoul,

40
00:03:17,282 --> 00:03:18,592
tell him we gotta have
two new surgeons right away.

41
00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:19,718
I hope he sends us
those two new surgeons.

42
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:20,869
We're sure gonna need them.

43
00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:23,538
- What was that, sir?
- I gave everything to Radar.

44
00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:24,747
What?

45
00:04:44,202 --> 00:04:47,622
- What the hell do you think you're doing?
- What? I'm just…

46
00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:50,416
Just because you're captain,
don't think you run the joint.

47
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:52,418
- Come on…
- I run it.

48
00:04:52,502 --> 00:04:55,230
- Yeah, all right. I'm just supposed to…
- I know what you're supposed to do.

49
00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:59,258
Your driver will be with you shortly.
He's having his coffee now.

50
00:05:04,931 --> 00:05:06,557
Racist.

51
00:05:07,058 --> 00:05:11,479
<i>Attention. The following men,
report to the departure area.</i>

52
00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:15,650
<i>Carey, Michael S, Phelps, Robert A,</i>

53
00:05:15,733 --> 00:05:20,530
<i>Colbert T, Cleaver, Herschell B,</i>

54
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,615
<i>Roosevelt, Charles B…</i>

55
00:05:22,699 --> 00:05:24,218
- Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.
- Bye-bye.

56
00:05:24,242 --> 00:05:26,577
- So long.
<i>- Roosevelt B,</i>

57
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:31,541
<i>Govowska, Theodore G, Miller…</i>

58
00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:35,086
- 4077th MASH?
- This is the jeep, yeah.

59
00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,380
All right.

60
00:05:39,716 --> 00:05:41,426
Okay, let's go, boy.

61
00:05:43,845 --> 00:05:45,513
Get my other bag.

62
00:05:46,931 --> 00:05:49,392
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

63
00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:16,127
Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch!
He just stole my jeep.

64
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:20,298
Hey! Watch what the hell you're doing,
will you?

65
00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:32,143
- What the hell…
- What do you mean, it wasn't…

66
00:07:11,516 --> 00:07:15,228
- Where is she?
- I couldn't stand it…

67
00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:18,439
- Not another. Another…
- … for my period…

68
00:07:18,523 --> 00:07:21,067
There you are, sir. The officers' mess.

69
00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,653
Perhaps you would like
to take a small <i>repas.</i>

70
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,657
I don't think I could eat after that ride
you gave me. You want any of this?

71
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:30,118
No, thank you, sir,
but I could do with my lunch.

72
00:07:30,201 --> 00:07:33,746
Well, why don't you come on in with me
and get a sandwich?

73
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:36,040
I'll follow you anywhere, sir.

74
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:47,135
How about that piece of scenery,
Yankee, huh?

75
00:07:47,218 --> 00:07:48,469
Yes, sir.

76
00:07:50,138 --> 00:07:51,681
Really a drag.

77
00:08:03,943 --> 00:08:06,362
- No. No.
- When they cut it out, she looked fabulous.

78
00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:09,157
Who are those men?
Friends of yours, Murrhardt?

79
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,327
- No, sir. First time I've ever seen them.
- Well, maybe those are the replacements.

80
00:08:13,411 --> 00:08:17,206
Don't be silly. We're expecting
some really sharp surgeons.

81
00:08:17,290 --> 00:08:19,709
Well, I guess
they just got separated from their unit

82
00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:22,211
and are looking for something to eat.

83
00:08:22,295 --> 00:08:26,090
They've got a hell of a nerve.
Coming in here, eating our food.

84
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:33,806
Pardon me, can I ask you
to move over just a little bit? Thank you.

85
00:08:33,890 --> 00:08:35,349
- Be careful with that.
- Yeah.

86
00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,744
- But, you know, she's got to use…
- I think I'm in love.

87
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:41,480
… that Phisohex soap on her face.
She really needs something drying.

88
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:43,417
- She really has a bad complexion.
- Acne, it really is.

89
00:08:43,441 --> 00:08:46,819
- But she's got a bad complexion…
- She won't use soap.

90
00:08:46,903 --> 00:08:50,865
Well, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant,
I don't have anything to do tonight.

91
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:55,077
I just got into town and, well,

92
00:08:55,161 --> 00:08:56,787
I thought maybe
you could show me around.

93
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:59,183
Captain, I think if you'll notice
the lieutenant's beautiful hand,

94
00:08:59,207 --> 00:09:01,709
she is definitely married.

95
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:05,880
Well, I'm the commanding officer,
and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

96
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:09,008
Boy, Bandini, they're eating here
because they wanted to.

97
00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:11,886
<i>Captain Murrhardt,
please report to the commander's…</i>

98
00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,488
<i>The office of the commanding officer…</i>

99
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:17,934
- You men just passing through?
- I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.

100
00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:22,355
Captain, you are speaking about
a lieutenant in the United States Army.

101
00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:24,565
I'm Colonel Blake.

102
00:09:25,775 --> 00:09:28,861
Colonel, I'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.

103
00:09:28,945 --> 00:09:32,323
- That's my driver over here.
- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

104
00:09:32,907 --> 00:09:34,575
- Are you leaving?
- Yes, I am.

105
00:09:34,659 --> 00:09:37,304
- Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.
- Good afternoon, Captain Hawkeye.

106
00:09:37,328 --> 00:09:39,914
Captain Hawkeye Pierce,
I had a TWX about you.

107
00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,458
It seems that you stole a jeep
up at headquarters.

108
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:46,379
No, no, no, sir. No, I didn't steal a jeep.
No, it's right outside. Right there.

109
00:09:46,462 --> 00:09:47,713
So it is.

110
00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:50,967
Captain Forrest, don't you know that
when you report to your new duty station,

111
00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:53,886
you go to your commanding officer
with a copy of your orders?

112
00:09:54,345 --> 00:09:56,639
Captain Pierce, is it?

113
00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:59,308
Captain Pierce and me
have been boozing all day…

114
00:09:59,392 --> 00:10:02,144
Good. Good.
You've been working close to the front.

115
00:10:02,228 --> 00:10:03,854
Now we have our slack periods here,

116
00:10:03,938 --> 00:10:06,816
but when the action starts,
you'll get more work in 12 hours…

117
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,693
How many nurses
do we have on the base, sir?

118
00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:10,778
- 17.
- How many nurses will there be on my…

119
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,839
- Four, then a civilian surgeon.
- … young girl here…

120
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:13,966
- A dozen a month.
- I'd like her as my nurse.

121
00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:15,759
- Yes, I think that could be arranged.
- I could use her.

122
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,463
And the young girl, over here, the blonde.

123
00:10:17,535 --> 00:10:21,831
Father Mulcahy, I'd like you to meet
Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.

124
00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:24,792
This is the Catholic chaplain.
And here's Captain Forrest.

125
00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:26,377
- Dago Red.
- Dago Red!

126
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:29,547
- Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.
- I'm better known as Painless Pole.

127
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,275
This is Captain Black,
our anesthesiologist.

128
00:10:31,299 --> 00:10:33,134
I'm Painless Pole. I'm the dentist here.

129
00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:36,304
- John Black. I'll be passing gas for you.
- Duke? Welcome.

130
00:10:36,387 --> 00:10:38,472
- Captain Bandini, here.
- Thank you.

131
00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:40,975
- John Black. How are you?
- I'm proud of that man.

132
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:45,313
- If you boys have any problems, my tent…
- Bandini, here. Duke, glad to meet you.

133
00:10:45,396 --> 00:10:48,399
I was saying if you boys
have any problems, my tent is right…

134
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,234
Radar! O'Reilly.

135
00:10:50,318 --> 00:10:52,403
Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly.
They call me Radar.

136
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:54,381
- You'll be staying in Major Burns' tent.
- Major Burns' tent.

137
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:56,591
- I'll take your things over there now.
- Everything out of the jeep.

138
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,385
Don't worry about the jeep,
I'll change the numbers.

139
00:10:58,409 --> 00:11:00,119
And change the numbers on that jeep.

140
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,840
Corporal O'Reilly,
you're not billeting these enlisted men

141
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:14,550
in the officers' area, now, are you?

142
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:20,848
Excuse me.

143
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:22,951
I'm collecting for my blind brother

144
00:11:22,975 --> 00:11:25,787
- who can't afford the trip to Korea.
- Don't you trust that man. He's a mad dog.

145
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,730
- He'll do anything.
- Unhand me, sir.

146
00:11:28,606 --> 00:11:30,441
Hey, Duke Forrest.

147
00:11:40,284 --> 00:11:42,203
Now, that one's mine.

148
00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:50,753
- Hi, fellas.
- Who? That one?

149
00:11:51,087 --> 00:11:52,505
- Yeah.
- Who told you that?

150
00:11:52,588 --> 00:11:57,218
- How do you know that?
- "Yea, though I walk through the valley

151
00:11:57,301 --> 00:12:00,429
"of the shadow of death,

152
00:12:00,513 --> 00:12:04,683
"I will fear no evil, for thoo art with me."

153
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:06,811
Thou. "Thou art with me."

154
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,938
- Jesus Christ.
- What's all that about?

155
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:12,191
That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.

156
00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:17,196
- New personnel, Major.
- Good.

157
00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:20,825
- Hiya. Hawkeye Pierce.
- How do you do?

158
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,910
- Duke Forrest.
- Frank Burns.

159
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:25,621
- How are you?
- Go ahead, Ho-Jon.

160
00:12:27,498 --> 00:12:30,376
"My cup runneth over.

161
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:35,756
"Surely goodness and mercy

162
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,218
- "shall follow…"
- What's this here?

163
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,262
This is Ho-Jon.
He's one of our mess-hall boys.

164
00:12:41,345 --> 00:12:42,763
I'm teaching him how to read.

165
00:12:42,847 --> 00:12:47,476
Is that right?
Reading the Bible, huh? That's nice.

166
00:12:48,144 --> 00:12:51,480
Listen, I'll tell you what. I got a book here.
It's got a lot of pictures in it,

167
00:12:51,564 --> 00:12:54,525
and I think it's easier to learn how to read
when you look at pictures.

168
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:56,861
A little adventure in pictures.

169
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,572
- May I leave now, Major?
- Sure, Ho-Jon.

170
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,657
You have fun, you hear?

171
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,706
There it is. Suture, Mary.

172
00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:12,835
What kind of sutures are these?

173
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:16,064
- I can't see what the hell I'm doing.
- Storch, I need some more sponge clamps.

174
00:13:16,088 --> 00:13:17,607
- Give me…
- Okay. Just a minute, Les.

175
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,217
- Okay.
- Give me some big hunks of sponge

176
00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:22,571
or something, for crying out loud,
and get that thing right in there.

177
00:13:22,595 --> 00:13:23,738
Also some big sponges.
You'll have to use these.

178
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,973
That's bleeding. That's gotta come out.

179
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:28,058
I can't stop that bleeding down there.

180
00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:33,856
- What's so funny?
- Nothing, sir. Not a thing.

181
00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:37,693
- Is that true what I hear about you?
- Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.

182
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,487
- Yeah.
- He's cute.

183
00:13:39,570 --> 00:13:42,114
Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.

184
00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:46,660
- Here we go.
- Captain Pierce, did you call me?

185
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,330
No, I didn't, and my name's Hawkeye.
Give me the saw.

186
00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:52,666
I can't really see.
It's like the Mississippi River down there.

187
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,853
- Give me another one.
- Doesn't feel like it's in one piece,

188
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:57,171
I'll tell you that.
I think it's gotta come out of there.

189
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,089
Get in. Get in there.

190
00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:02,927
And give me some more
of that gauze wrapped up there.

191
00:14:03,761 --> 00:14:06,222
Here. It won't stick otherwise.

192
00:14:08,057 --> 00:14:10,768
Big, honey. It's… You know, this thing…

193
00:14:10,935 --> 00:14:13,187
- You ready?
- I'm ready.

194
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,982
- Nurse, you got a clamp, please?
- Yes, sir.

195
00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:22,821
Scratch my nose. Just there.

196
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,616
There. A little harder, please.

197
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,118
<i>Attention. Attention.</i>

198
00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:32,414
<i>All non-commissioned…
Attention. Attention.</i>

199
00:14:32,957 --> 00:14:37,211
<i>All non-commissioned officers will report
for short-arm inspection at 0400.</i>

200
00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:38,921
<i>That is all.</i>

201
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,927
- What's that?
- That's a martini, Frank.

202
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,721
Finest kind.
We're training Ho-Jon to be a bartender.

203
00:14:47,805 --> 00:14:51,225
- Would you care to imbibe, sir?
- I don't drink.

204
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,852
Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

205
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,897
- I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
- I think you're right, babe.

206
00:14:56,981 --> 00:15:00,734
I don't think it's right to involve a boy
who's not 17 years old yet.

207
00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,903
- You go to sleep now?
- Yeah.

208
00:15:02,987 --> 00:15:04,905
- I go wash clothes.
- Okay.

209
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:09,410
Hey, you make a mean martini there,
Ho-Jon. You keep it up, you hear?

210
00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:21,255
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.

211
00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:24,758
"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven…"

212
00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:27,595
You ever catch this syndrome before,
babe?

213
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:31,390
No, not with anyone beyond the age
of eight years old, I haven't.

214
00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:34,935
"And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

215
00:15:35,019 --> 00:15:39,773
"For thine is the kingdom, the power
and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen."

216
00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:42,484
- Amen.
- Amen.

217
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,614
And dear God, protect
our young men on the field of battle,

218
00:15:46,697 --> 00:15:49,325
that they may return home
to their dear ones.

219
00:15:49,408 --> 00:15:52,995
And dear God, protect
our supreme commander on the field

220
00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:55,956
and our commander-in-chief
in Washington DC.

221
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,543
Frank, were you on this religious kick
at home or did you crack up over here?

222
00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:02,463
Frank, how long does this show go on?

223
00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:05,132
It gets longer all the time.

224
00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:08,636
Now I have your soul to pray for
and Captain Pierce's.

225
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:12,765
<i>Onward, Christian soldiers</i>

226
00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:16,352
<i>- Marching as to war
- Marching as to war</i>

227
00:16:16,435 --> 00:16:20,356
<i>- With the cross of Jesus
- With the cross of Jesus</i>

228
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:24,401
<i>- Going on before
- Going on before</i>

229
00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:28,489
<i>- Christ, our royal master
- Christ, our royal master</i>

230
00:16:28,572 --> 00:16:32,576
<i>- Leads against the foe
- Leads against the foe</i>

231
00:16:32,660 --> 00:16:36,830
<i>- Forward into battle
- Forward into battle</i>

232
00:16:36,914 --> 00:16:40,834
<i>- See his banners go
- See his banners go</i>

233
00:16:40,918 --> 00:16:45,005
<i>- Onward, Christian soldiers
- Onward, Christian soldiers</i>

234
00:16:45,089 --> 00:16:49,134
<i>- Marching as to war
- Marching as to war</i>

235
00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:53,263
<i>- With the cross of Jesus
- With the cross of Jesus</i>

236
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:58,310
<i>- Going on before
- Going on before</i>

237
00:16:59,603 --> 00:17:01,188
- Yeah?
- What's the line-up?

238
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,982
Four waiting for surgery,
two waiting for the IV,

239
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,527
and two waiting for the antibiotics
to take over.

240
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:10,656
We can probably handle that
if there's no more choppers. Pickup.

241
00:17:12,825 --> 00:17:14,201
Scissors.

242
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:17,931
- Hi, ladies.
- Now, wait a second.

243
00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:20,684
- You can't go in the colonel's office.
- That's who we're looking for, Dave.

244
00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:22,209
Henry, you gotta do something.

245
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,753
We have stuck it out
for a whole week now. Pretty girl.

246
00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:27,089
Yeah, she kind of grows on you.

247
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:29,550
- What is it, men?
- That sky pilot.

248
00:17:29,633 --> 00:17:32,219
You have got to get him out of our tent.

249
00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,346
- Your tent?
- Yeah. Get that nurse in there.

250
00:17:34,430 --> 00:17:37,266
She doesn't look like the kind who'd
keep you awake all night praying.

251
00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:38,767
I've been in the army a long time.

252
00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:42,730
I know what you guys are trying to pull,
but you're not gonna push me around.

253
00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:44,940
Henry, not for the world
would I push you around,

254
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:47,377
but, look, there is one more thing,
now that you're talking about it.

255
00:17:47,401 --> 00:17:48,402
We need a chest cutter.

256
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,714
Yeah. We gotta get an A-one chest cutter
in here quick, Henry,

257
00:17:50,738 --> 00:17:52,173
or we're gonna be in
a hell of a lot of trouble.

258
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,324
Forget it.
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.

259
00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:55,701
We're not about to get one.

260
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:56,827
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah?

261
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,264
They're behind in the OR,
and the pre-op ward is all jammed up.

262
00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:02,291
<i>The helicopters and the ambulances
are coming in full.</i>

263
00:18:02,374 --> 00:18:04,668
<i>You guys are gonna have to go to work
early today.</i>

264
00:18:04,752 --> 00:18:07,129
<i>And add overtime to a 12-hour day?
What the hell is that?</i>

265
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:09,274
<i>The union'll raise all kinds of Cain
with you, Henry.</i>

266
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:11,967
<i>Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours,
you sure need your rest.</i>

267
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:14,446
<i>And you can't get them with
a sky pilot jabbering to heaven all day.</i>

268
00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:16,597
<i>Major Burns will be out of your tent
in 24 hours.</i>

269
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,349
<i>Tell him Captain Pierce
and Captain Forrest are on the way.</i>

270
00:18:19,892 --> 00:18:21,435
<i>Henry, there's just one more thing.</i>

271
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:24,438
<i>I told you Major Burns will be out
of your tent in 24 hours.</i>

272
00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,106
<i>- The chest cutter.
- No.</i>

273
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,152
<i>I'll try, damn it.
You can't ask any more than that.</i>

274
00:18:39,495 --> 00:18:41,747
Pull that back. Put your little finger in.

275
00:18:45,209 --> 00:18:48,337
My abdominal operation was doing fine.
It's the head wound that did him in.

276
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,297
Dish, get over here and hold this retractor.

277
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:51,882
- Okay.
- No. No, no…

278
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,717
Dish, let me have a long needle holder.

279
00:18:55,594 --> 00:18:56,887
Go ahead.

280
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:04,228
- Dago!
- Amen.

281
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,605
- Pull it back, Duke.
- Hell, I can't…

282
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,982
- Get hold of the other one.
- Dago.

283
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:12,402
Dago, I want you over here
to hold this retractor. Now.

284
00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:15,030
- Please, come on. Now.
- Yes, I'm sorry.

285
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,490
- Hi, Dago.
- Hey, hold on.

286
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:18,092
- My hand…
- Don't wiggle it. Just hold on.

287
00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:19,284
Clamp.

288
00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:23,330
I'm sorry, Dago, but this man's still alive,

289
00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:25,707
and that other man is dead,
and that's a fact.

290
00:19:25,791 --> 00:19:29,419
Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?
Hell. Where the hell… Did you see it?

291
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:38,277
- Sergeant, you know where Hawkeye is?
- You mean Captain Pierce?

292
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:42,099
- No, I'd have to look at the duty roster.
- They're in there.

293
00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:44,810
Oh, baby.

294
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:47,688
Hawkeye, you gotta remember
I'm married.

295
00:19:47,771 --> 00:19:50,190
I'm married. I'm happy. I love my wife.
If she was here,

296
00:19:50,274 --> 00:19:52,252
- I would be with her.
- I am, too. I'm very happily married.

297
00:19:52,276 --> 00:19:55,779
There is no question of loving anybody.
It is a question only of helping…

298
00:19:55,863 --> 00:19:59,157
You see, I made a vow to myself
that while I was gone,

299
00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:03,120
I was gonna be faithful to my husband.

300
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:08,000
Those are the vows you make
when you're with somebody.

301
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,627
Hawkeye?

302
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:15,966
- Ho-Jon?
- Duke say you better haul ass home quick.

303
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,802
- We got a new chest cutter in our tent.
- Okay.

304
00:20:21,138 --> 00:20:27,060
<i>This is Radio Tokyo bringing you
musical interlude for your enjoyment.</i>

305
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:09,811
- That's him.
- Hiya. I'm Hawkeye Pierce.

306
00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:15,108
Yeah. See? So all I can get out of him
is he's from Boston,

307
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:17,402
and he's been in the army two months.

308
00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:19,863
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. And that's all.

309
00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:39,549
Well, listen, where were you
when you were drafted?

310
00:21:40,717 --> 00:21:42,928
I was just curious.

311
00:21:46,098 --> 00:21:48,266
Back home. I told you before.

312
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:49,643
No, I mean, what were you doing?

313
00:21:49,726 --> 00:21:53,397
Were you like a resident
or on staff some place?

314
00:21:55,941 --> 00:21:57,192
Where?

315
00:21:58,318 --> 00:21:59,569
Hospital.

316
00:22:00,404 --> 00:22:01,947
Which hospital?

317
00:22:02,656 --> 00:22:03,991
Back home.

318
00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:06,910
Is there some reason
I shouldn't know which hospital?

319
00:22:06,994 --> 00:22:09,162
I don't know. I will ask.

320
00:22:09,246 --> 00:22:13,625
Is there some reason my friend
should not know the name of the hospital?

321
00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:19,548
There doesn't appear to be any reason.
I've seen you somewhere before.

322
00:22:19,631 --> 00:22:23,468
I don't know your name, stranger,
but your face is familiar.

323
00:22:23,552 --> 00:22:26,054
Have you always had that moustache?

324
00:22:28,557 --> 00:22:32,227
Are you a beer drinker, sir, or would
you like to share a martini with me?

325
00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:34,896
Martini, that would be… I'd love a martini.

326
00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:37,816
Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.

327
00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:41,695
I think you will find these accommodating.
They're quite dry.

328
00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:46,158
Don't you use olives?

329
00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:48,368
Olives? Where the hell
do you think you are, man?

330
00:22:48,452 --> 00:22:50,746
We do have to make
certain concessions to the war.

331
00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:52,473
We're three miles from the frontline and…

332
00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:55,709
Yes, but a man can't really
savor his martini

333
00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:57,836
without an olive, you know.

334
00:22:57,919 --> 00:23:00,505
Otherwise, you see, it just

335
00:23:02,674 --> 00:23:05,343
doesn't quite make it.

336
00:23:06,094 --> 00:23:11,767
<i>Attention. The Evangelical United
Brethren Church has donated 34 hymnals</i>

337
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:14,311
<i>to the 4077th MASH unit.</i>

338
00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:18,231
<i>These hymnals are located
in the camp library</i>

339
00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:20,734
<i>and may be checked out
by those with cards.</i>

340
00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,194
<i>That is all.</i>

341
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:26,615
Listen, am I going to get paid
for giving you guys lessons? Rib cutter.

342
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,953
Small bones, huh?

343
00:23:33,914 --> 00:23:37,167
- I need a retractor also, nurse.
- Let's get her, baby.

344
00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:39,711
What do you think? Can I tie this for you?

345
00:23:42,089 --> 00:23:44,925
- You need some suction?
- Yeah, that's fine.

346
00:23:45,634 --> 00:23:47,511
Here, pickups for me, please.

347
00:23:49,346 --> 00:23:52,057
- How's he doing, John?
- He's doing well.

348
00:23:52,224 --> 00:23:54,935
- You're doing a live suture.
- Yeah, looks like that's it.

349
00:23:55,018 --> 00:23:56,812
Looks like that's it.

350
00:23:58,105 --> 00:24:00,774
What the hell did you do with our thread?
It ran out.

351
00:24:00,857 --> 00:24:03,610
- More thread, please, and larger needles.
- Will you let me?

352
00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:07,531
- Let me have another suture.
- You surgeons are all alike, I tell you that.

353
00:24:09,199 --> 00:24:12,536
If this guy knew the clowns who are
operating on him, I think he'd faint.

354
00:24:12,619 --> 00:24:14,847
- I think he has!
- Come on, nurse. I need a suture, please.

355
00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:17,040
- Coming.
- Keep ahead of him, babe, will you?

356
00:24:17,124 --> 00:24:19,292
And we need a couple
more stitches in there.

357
00:24:19,376 --> 00:24:21,545
That's fine, yeah. Thank you.

358
00:24:21,837 --> 00:24:22,837
Just turn it around.

359
00:24:22,879 --> 00:24:26,109
It's a good thing you have a nice body,
nurse, otherwise we'd get rid of you quick.

360
00:24:26,133 --> 00:24:28,385
- Don't stick me.
- Keep it clean.

361
00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:29,469
Come…

362
00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:32,490
- You know, I can tie that for you.
- Yeah.

363
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:35,100
Okay, let's have the big stitches
for holding up the chest.

364
00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,434
Fine.

365
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:39,104
- Larger needles, Knocko.
- Now sutures.

366
00:24:40,605 --> 00:24:43,733
Start wrapping up.
I could use another one.

367
00:24:43,984 --> 00:24:47,070
Does anybody know if this is
an officer or an enlisted man?

368
00:24:47,154 --> 00:24:49,573
- He's an enlisted man.
- Make the stitches big.

369
00:24:50,407 --> 00:24:53,618
<i>Attention.
Captain Bani… Captain Bandini.</i>

370
00:24:54,286 --> 00:24:57,622
<i>Attention. Attention.
Captain Bandini is now performing</i>

371
00:24:57,706 --> 00:25:01,334
<i>a palmaral pop, poplit, a pop…</i>

372
00:25:01,418 --> 00:25:05,130
<i>A palmaral p-o-p-l-i-t-e-r-a-l</i>

373
00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:08,550
<i>artery exploration</i>

374
00:25:08,633 --> 00:25:10,385
<i>and possible graft.</i>

375
00:25:13,305 --> 00:25:15,891
<i>The following memo
has just come through.</i>

376
00:25:15,974 --> 00:25:20,854
<i>Please remove all pictures, postcards,
nude calendars, et cetera, from the walls</i>

377
00:25:20,937 --> 00:25:24,191
<i>so that our rooms may look
clean and orderly. That is all.</i>

378
00:25:24,274 --> 00:25:26,193
- It is you. It's you!
- What?

379
00:25:26,276 --> 00:25:28,528
Duke, I ever tell you
how Androscoggin College

380
00:25:28,612 --> 00:25:30,739
beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard 6-0

381
00:25:30,822 --> 00:25:32,758
- 'cause I intercepted a pass?
- Yeah. You told me.

382
00:25:32,782 --> 00:25:34,701
They had this great passer, see,

383
00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:36,870
and we held them 0-0
till the last 20 seconds,

384
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:40,707
and then, snow and all, he let one go,
and it went sailing, boom!

385
00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:43,269
Lucky your mouth wasn't open
or it would've gotten stuck in your throat.

386
00:25:43,293 --> 00:25:45,712
Oh, baby! How is Trapper John?

387
00:25:45,795 --> 00:25:48,298
- I thought you'd never remember!
- John McIntyre!

388
00:25:49,466 --> 00:25:51,676
John McIntyre! Trapper John.

389
00:25:51,801 --> 00:25:55,555
Only man ever found fulfillment in
a Boston Maine Railway, in the ladies' can.

390
00:25:55,639 --> 00:25:58,559
Conductor opened the door, the girl
looked out and yelled, "He trapped me!

391
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,800
"Oh, my God, he trapped me!"
Honest to God. How are you?

392
00:26:00,852 --> 00:26:03,563
I'm great. What's going on over there?

393
00:26:03,647 --> 00:26:07,734
Well, well, well, must be
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.

394
00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:09,569
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?

395
00:26:09,653 --> 00:26:11,655
Walt Waldowski, the dentist. You met him.

396
00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:13,466
Well, what, are those guys waiting
to scrub his back?

397
00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:17,661
No. He's what you might call
the best-equipped dentist in the army.

398
00:26:17,744 --> 00:26:19,579
- You may call it that.
- Yeah.

399
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,459
I saw once in med school, in pre-med.

400
00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:27,754
I did an autopsy on a guy. He would have
been drowned and all swollen up…

401
00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:29,649
- You an authority on that?
- I heard that one, too.

402
00:26:29,673 --> 00:26:31,525
- The most extraordinary thing.
- You told that one…

403
00:26:31,549 --> 00:26:33,551
And a friend of mine had a…

404
00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:36,554
Boy, I'd surely love to see that angry!

405
00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:50,253
Nurse!

406
00:27:52,964 --> 00:27:56,426
Boone, get me a cc of adrenaline
and a cardiac needle.

407
00:27:57,052 --> 00:27:59,763
- I'm sorry…
- Just get it!

408
00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:11,149
And you can cut me about
a four-inch piece of wire

409
00:28:11,274 --> 00:28:13,151
and about an inch and a half of tape.

410
00:28:18,615 --> 00:28:19,949
- Hi, soldier.
- Who is it?

411
00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:23,536
It's Trapper, Trapper. Don't worry.
Let's get some of this stuff off.

412
00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:26,623
You idiot! I said a cardiac needle.

413
00:28:27,999 --> 00:28:31,252
- You want me to get a nurse?
- It's too late, Boone. You killed him.

414
00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:06,746
At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan,
our new chief nurse.

415
00:29:06,830 --> 00:29:08,748
This is where we do the dirty work.

416
00:29:08,832 --> 00:29:10,959
- Captain Murrhardt.
- Sponge.

417
00:29:11,042 --> 00:29:12,627
- Hi.
- Hi, Captain.

418
00:29:12,710 --> 00:29:17,340
Dennis, don't you remember? I helped
carry your luggage from the airfield.

419
00:29:17,424 --> 00:29:20,260
- Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis.
- Hi.

420
00:29:20,343 --> 00:29:23,304
- This is Captain Black.
- Hello, Captain Black.

421
00:29:23,388 --> 00:29:27,434
- Hi, I'm Ugly John, your gas passer.
- Ugly John.

422
00:29:27,517 --> 00:29:30,311
It's only you, Judson. Captain Sacks.

423
00:29:30,728 --> 00:29:32,581
Hello, Captain Sacks.
How's the operation going?

424
00:29:32,605 --> 00:29:34,482
Are you kidding?

425
00:29:35,150 --> 00:29:36,401
Scissors.

426
00:29:38,111 --> 00:29:43,032
- And this is Captain Knocko McCarthy.
- Hello, Major. Right.

427
00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:47,495
Now I'll show you the rest of the
operation, if you'll excuse the pun.

428
00:29:51,249 --> 00:29:54,544
This is the pre-op ward.
I'll take these things.

429
00:29:54,627 --> 00:29:58,339
This is the post-op ward.
If you don't mind…

430
00:29:59,841 --> 00:30:01,551
Vollmer, take care of these, will you?

431
00:30:01,634 --> 00:30:04,345
- Finished work for the day?
- Yes. Why?

432
00:30:04,429 --> 00:30:09,142
Good, good. I just wanted to make sure
you had time to sleep this off.

433
00:30:11,895 --> 00:30:13,605
Son of a bitch!

434
00:30:13,688 --> 00:30:16,483
Trapper! Captain McIntyre!
What the hell…

435
00:30:16,566 --> 00:30:19,319
- That's a captain?
- What's going on? Who started this?

436
00:30:19,402 --> 00:30:22,238
I hit him! I hit him!
He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!

437
00:30:22,322 --> 00:30:25,783
He wouldn't have touched me
if I'd had my guard up.

438
00:30:25,909 --> 00:30:28,995
Let us settle this, Colonel,
between ourselves. Alone!

439
00:30:29,078 --> 00:30:31,372
What do you think I'm running,
an English boarding school?

440
00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:32,749
McIntyre, you're under arrest.

441
00:30:32,832 --> 00:30:34,852
Confine yourself to quarters
pending an investigation.

442
00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:38,755
- Henry, are you kidding?
- I deeply regret this unfortunate incident.

443
00:30:38,838 --> 00:30:41,466
We try to remember
we're a military organization.

444
00:30:41,549 --> 00:30:43,843
I should certainly hope so.

445
00:30:43,927 --> 00:30:47,805
Vollmer, that man is under arrest.
Confine him to his quarters.

446
00:30:49,516 --> 00:30:53,937
- Captain McIntyre, you are officially…
- Come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.

447
00:30:57,941 --> 00:31:02,529
<i>Attention, camp compound.
Urine specimens will be required from all…</i>

448
00:31:04,489 --> 00:31:06,199
<i>Disregard last transmission.</i>

449
00:31:06,282 --> 00:31:09,202
- I'm sorry, Colonel.
- What the hell's the matter with you?

450
00:31:09,285 --> 00:31:10,846
- Henry, you want some coffee?
- Yes, please.

451
00:31:10,870 --> 00:31:13,373
- Ho-Jon, get him some coffee.
- Well, what's wrong with you?

452
00:31:13,456 --> 00:31:15,333
I don't know. I must have lost my punch.

453
00:31:15,416 --> 00:31:17,835
I never expected
the son of a bitch to get up!

454
00:31:17,919 --> 00:31:19,212
That's no kind of an answer.

455
00:31:19,295 --> 00:31:20,606
Come on, Henry. You know why he did it.

456
00:31:20,630 --> 00:31:23,341
I can't have my junior officers
striking each other.

457
00:31:23,424 --> 00:31:27,303
Now, damn it, Henry.
Frank Burns is a menace!

458
00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:29,389
Every time a patient croaks on him,

459
00:31:29,472 --> 00:31:32,433
he says it's God's will
or somebody else's fault.

460
00:31:32,517 --> 00:31:35,287
Yeah, this time he blamed it on some kid
who was stupid enough to believe him.

461
00:31:35,311 --> 00:31:36,312
The hell with that.

462
00:31:36,396 --> 00:31:38,123
I'm tired of you guys
trying to run this outfit.

463
00:31:38,147 --> 00:31:40,567
This time, there's going to be
disciplinary action.

464
00:31:40,692 --> 00:31:42,569
What are you going to do, Henry?

465
00:31:42,652 --> 00:31:45,822
Well, I'd planned to name Trapper
chief surgeon

466
00:31:45,905 --> 00:31:50,034
- to consult on your shift and Frank's.
- That's damn good thinking.

467
00:31:50,118 --> 00:31:52,287
Yeah, but now I can't do it
for at least a week.

468
00:31:52,370 --> 00:31:55,456
If I announced it now after what
our new chief nurse saw this afternoon,

469
00:31:55,540 --> 00:31:57,959
you'd hear her yelling
from Washington to Seoul.

470
00:31:58,042 --> 00:31:59,669
Don't you have any sugar in this place?

471
00:32:00,420 --> 00:32:05,049
<i>Good morning. Today's musical
selections will be rendered by</i>

472
00:32:05,133 --> 00:32:08,344
<i>Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats.</i>

473
00:32:08,845 --> 00:32:12,140
Colonel Blake, General Hammond
did not answer the phone, sir!

474
00:32:12,223 --> 00:32:14,309
They said he was at a football game.

475
00:32:14,392 --> 00:32:17,937
- Those generals have all the fun!
- Yes, sir.

476
00:32:49,719 --> 00:32:53,139
<i>Attention. Attention.
May I have the camp's attention?</i>

477
00:32:53,222 --> 00:32:57,393
<i>This week's movie will be</i>
When Willie Comes Marching Home.

478
00:32:58,436 --> 00:33:02,482
<i>The biggest parade of laughs
of World War II.</i>

479
00:33:03,024 --> 00:33:07,654
<i>All the loves, laughs and escapades
of the Willies who came marching home.</i>

480
00:33:08,363 --> 00:33:13,201
<i>This film stars Dan Dailey,
Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend.</i>

481
00:33:13,951 --> 00:33:16,245
Captain Pierce, may I join you?

482
00:33:17,288 --> 00:33:21,459
You've already joined me, gorgeous.
You're a sight for sore eyes.

483
00:33:22,001 --> 00:33:23,920
Where do you come from?

484
00:33:24,420 --> 00:33:27,215
Well, I like to think of the army
as my home.

485
00:33:27,298 --> 00:33:29,050
Oh, yeah? Yeah?

486
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:32,887
Ho-Jon, you bring me some ketchup,
will you?

487
00:33:32,970 --> 00:33:35,074
Captain, I've been observing
the nurses on your shift.

488
00:33:35,098 --> 00:33:36,349
Yeah, I know. I saw you.

489
00:33:36,432 --> 00:33:39,644
<i>Naturally, your own opinion
is more informed than mine.</i>

490
00:33:39,727 --> 00:33:43,481
<i>I think you would like to know what I think
of the nurses on my team. I'll tell you.</i>

491
00:33:43,564 --> 00:33:45,250
<i>I think they're fine.
I think they're just great,</i>

492
00:33:45,274 --> 00:33:46,984
<i>and I'm totally satisfied with them.</i>

493
00:33:48,486 --> 00:33:53,491
- Oh, no, that's the second time this week.
- Of course, what do you expect?

494
00:34:01,541 --> 00:34:03,501
Welcome, gentlemen.

495
00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:08,715
<i>- When the lights go on again
- When the lights go on again</i>

496
00:34:09,173 --> 00:34:11,718
<i>- All over the world
- All over the world</i>

497
00:34:11,801 --> 00:34:13,594
You got enough room?

498
00:34:17,140 --> 00:34:19,225
Get rid of the line for me.

499
00:34:19,308 --> 00:34:22,061
<i>All over the world
All over the world</i>

500
00:34:22,145 --> 00:34:26,482
- Is he all right, Hawkeye?
- Is he all right, Dago?

501
00:34:26,566 --> 00:34:29,694
Yes, you mean he's going to live?
He'll live.

502
00:34:31,362 --> 00:34:35,616
I hope somebody's going to be around
tomorrow morning when he wakes up

503
00:34:35,700 --> 00:34:39,996
to tell him that he hasn't got
anything between his legs anymore.

504
00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:42,165
Syngman Rhee's paying the light bill.

505
00:34:42,248 --> 00:34:46,043
- But Major Burns is far from satisfied.
- That doesn't surprise me.

506
00:34:46,127 --> 00:34:49,756
Frank Burns does not know his way around
an operating theater.

507
00:34:49,839 --> 00:34:51,924
He does not know his way around a body.

508
00:34:52,008 --> 00:34:53,509
And if you'll have observed anything,

509
00:34:53,593 --> 00:34:56,554
you'll have observed that
Major Frank Burns is an idiot.

510
00:34:56,637 --> 00:35:00,183
He has flipped his wig, that he is out
of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.

511
00:35:00,266 --> 00:35:03,352
On the contrary, I have observed

512
00:35:03,436 --> 00:35:07,148
that Major Burns is not only
a good technical surgeon,

513
00:35:07,231 --> 00:35:10,777
- he is a good military surgeon.
- You finished?

514
00:35:10,860 --> 00:35:15,656
I have also noticed that nurses, as well as
enlisted men, address you as Hawkeye.

515
00:35:15,740 --> 00:35:17,617
Yeah, because that's my name.
Hawkeye Pierce.

516
00:35:17,700 --> 00:35:19,869
Well, that kind of informality
is inconsistent

517
00:35:19,952 --> 00:35:22,079
with maximum efficiency
in a military organization.

518
00:35:22,163 --> 00:35:24,040
Come off it, Major!

519
00:35:25,875 --> 00:35:29,045
You've put me right off my fresh fried
lobster. Do you realize that?

520
00:35:29,128 --> 00:35:30,630
I'm going to go back to my bed,

521
00:35:30,713 --> 00:35:33,508
I'm going to put away
the best part of a bottle of Scotch

522
00:35:33,591 --> 00:35:36,886
and under normal circumstances,
you being normally what I'd call

523
00:35:36,969 --> 00:35:39,138
a very attractive woman,
I would have invited you back

524
00:35:39,222 --> 00:35:43,309
to share my little bed with me
and you might possibly have come.

525
00:35:43,392 --> 00:35:45,311
But you really put me off.

526
00:35:45,394 --> 00:35:49,065
I mean, you're what we call
a regular army clown.

527
00:35:53,736 --> 00:35:56,197
I wonder how a degenerated person
like that could have reached

528
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,367
a position of responsibility
in the army medical corps.

529
00:35:59,909 --> 00:36:01,077
He was drafted.

530
00:36:17,510 --> 00:36:18,928
- Radar!
- Your briefcase, sir.

531
00:36:19,011 --> 00:36:22,765
- You're going to see Hammond…
- I'm spending the day with Hammond.

532
00:36:22,849 --> 00:36:24,183
I'm gonna stay overnight.

533
00:36:24,267 --> 00:36:25,685
Major Burns'll be in charge.

534
00:36:25,768 --> 00:36:28,312
- Good luck.
- See you in the morning.

535
00:36:29,272 --> 00:36:31,750
Sir, are there any last-minute instructions
you want to give to the men?

536
00:36:31,774 --> 00:36:33,494
No, Radar has all
the necessary information.

537
00:36:33,568 --> 00:36:35,862
Yeah, but who's going to be
on CQ tonight?

538
00:36:35,945 --> 00:36:38,406
Wait a minute. What about the…

539
00:36:39,156 --> 00:36:41,075
- Captain.
- Yes, sir.

540
00:36:41,409 --> 00:36:44,120
I left some shirts on my bunk.
The buttons are missing.

541
00:36:44,203 --> 00:36:46,205
Just ask somebody
to sew them up, please.

542
00:36:46,289 --> 00:36:48,457
- I'd be glad to do them for you.
- You don't have to.

543
00:36:48,541 --> 00:36:53,421
- It's nothing, really. Great jacket. Is it new?
- Oh, yeah, my… It was sent to me.

544
00:36:53,504 --> 00:36:55,548
- You don't have to do that.
- Take care.

545
00:36:57,133 --> 00:37:01,220
<i>Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the surgeons</i>

546
00:37:01,304 --> 00:37:05,308
<i>- He needs a queen to satisfy his urgings
- He needs a queen to satisfy his urgings</i>

547
00:37:05,391 --> 00:37:09,478
<i>Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the trappers</i>

548
00:37:09,562 --> 00:37:14,317
<i>- He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers
- He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers</i>

549
00:37:14,734 --> 00:37:18,988
<i>Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the cutters</i>

550
00:37:19,071 --> 00:37:23,326
<i>He needs a queen
with a bigger pair of udders</i>

551
00:37:23,451 --> 00:37:24,678
<i>- Hail to the chief…
- Hail to the chief…</i>

552
00:37:24,702 --> 00:37:27,955
Blake's gone out of his mind.
Is that going to go on all night?

553
00:37:28,039 --> 00:37:32,793
<i>He took his orders
and shoved them up his rectum</i>

554
00:37:32,877 --> 00:37:34,712
No, no. No food. No food.

555
00:37:34,795 --> 00:37:39,300
- Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex.
- Storch, Storch, come forth.

556
00:37:39,383 --> 00:37:42,887
- No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one.
- He's chosen you! Congratulations!

557
00:37:42,970 --> 00:37:47,099
That one. The sultry bitch with the fire
in her eyes. Take her clothes off.

558
00:37:47,183 --> 00:37:49,602
I want that one! Yes! Yes!

559
00:37:49,685 --> 00:37:53,522
Take her clothes off and bring her
to me now! I want her now!

560
00:37:55,858 --> 00:37:59,403
Doctor! Doctor!
You forgot your shingle, Doctor.

561
00:38:12,458 --> 00:38:18,506
"This letter has been written

562
00:38:19,715 --> 00:38:24,720
- "in the interest of…"
- Army morale.

563
00:38:26,430 --> 00:38:30,768
Good. "Army morale."

564
00:38:35,815 --> 00:38:37,316
Get that thing out, will you?

565
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:38,442
You want to sing one, too?

566
00:38:38,526 --> 00:38:41,988
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Radar's going to sing us our verse.

567
00:38:44,949 --> 00:38:47,660
"This letter has been written
in the interest of army morale.

568
00:38:47,743 --> 00:38:49,745
"As officers, we feel
it is our duty to bring this

569
00:38:49,829 --> 00:38:52,164
"unwholesome situation
to your attention.

570
00:38:52,248 --> 00:38:54,226
"We are writing this letter jointly
to assure you that

571
00:38:54,250 --> 00:38:57,586
"no one's personal feeling
has any way influenced this report.

572
00:38:57,670 --> 00:38:59,564
- "Respectfully, Margaret J. Houlihan."
- That's perfect.

573
00:38:59,588 --> 00:39:00,649
- "Major Burns."
- That's perfect.

574
00:39:00,673 --> 00:39:02,508
I think it's a marvelous letter.

575
00:39:03,092 --> 00:39:06,262
- We make a good team, don't we?
- We think the same way.

576
00:39:06,345 --> 00:39:07,930
Of course we do.

577
00:39:09,432 --> 00:39:11,350
It's almost suppertime.

578
00:39:12,435 --> 00:39:15,855
- You're not hungry, are you?
- Ravenous. How about you?

579
00:39:16,814 --> 00:39:18,482
For you, Margaret.

580
00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:39,962
Now, the sooner this reaches him,

581
00:39:40,046 --> 00:39:43,632
the sooner we can turn this
into a tight military outfit.

582
00:39:50,514 --> 00:39:56,562
<i>Attention, camp compound. Corporal
Judson has informed the colonel's office</i>

583
00:39:56,645 --> 00:40:00,733
<i>that three cases of amphetamine sulphate
are unaccounted for again.</i>

584
00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:03,861
<i>This is the third occurrence
of this type in the last month.</i>

585
00:40:03,944 --> 00:40:06,405
<i>It must stop,
by order of Colonel Blake's office,</i>

586
00:40:06,489 --> 00:40:08,657
<i>4077th MASH unit.</i>

587
00:40:09,950 --> 00:40:13,204
I only wish I could deliver
that letter personally.

588
00:40:13,496 --> 00:40:16,290
- Good night, Frank.
- Good night, Margaret.

589
00:40:16,582 --> 00:40:18,918
I'll stop by later on to see if you're all right.

590
00:40:19,001 --> 00:40:21,837
- Why, that won't be necessary.
- No, I don't mind.

591
00:40:23,005 --> 00:40:24,673
I'll leave the door unlocked.

592
00:40:27,259 --> 00:40:30,137
<i>Attention.
Captain McIntyre will give a lecture</i>

593
00:40:30,221 --> 00:40:33,641
<i>on blood and fluid replacement
in the mess hall at 0800.</i>

594
00:40:34,558 --> 00:40:36,727
<i>Correction. At 021…</i>

595
00:40:36,977 --> 00:40:38,687
<i>At 9:00 this evening.</i>

596
00:40:41,315 --> 00:40:43,317
Take your hat off, Radar.

597
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:47,154
- You're before the king… Queen.
- Don't get nervous, Radar.

598
00:40:50,366 --> 00:40:52,409
<i>Long live the chief…</i>

599
00:40:52,493 --> 00:40:55,538
The colonel… The colonel…

600
00:40:55,621 --> 00:40:59,250
<i>Long live the chief
The colonel did elect him</i>

601
00:41:00,209 --> 00:41:02,711
<i>But he took all his orders
And shoved them up his nose</i>

602
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:27,153
- You all right?
- Fine.

603
00:41:28,571 --> 00:41:30,781
Godless buffoons, all of them.

604
00:41:31,031 --> 00:41:35,953
It's the disrespect for you, Frank.
That's what I can't forgive.

605
00:41:36,912 --> 00:41:38,581
I'm used to it.

606
00:41:41,208 --> 00:41:43,252
- Licorice?
- No, thank you.

607
00:41:45,754 --> 00:41:48,924
What makes me sore
is how they behave towards you.

608
00:41:49,884 --> 00:41:52,636
They ought to be grateful to have you.

609
00:41:55,556 --> 00:41:57,099
I certainly am.

610
00:41:59,935 --> 00:42:02,271
I'm grateful to have you, Frank.

611
00:42:08,611 --> 00:42:11,322
We've grown very close in a short time.

612
00:42:13,782 --> 00:42:17,453
It isn't just chance. I'm sure of that.

613
00:42:20,956 --> 00:42:23,292
God meant us to find each other.

614
00:42:24,919 --> 00:42:27,296
- His will be done!
- Darling!

615
00:42:28,797 --> 00:42:30,883
Frank! Frank!

616
00:42:35,888 --> 00:42:38,098
I'll help you. Oh, yes.

617
00:42:42,102 --> 00:42:44,772
Wait, wait. Get my robe.

618
00:42:45,272 --> 00:42:47,441
Get my zipper. My zipper.

619
00:42:48,234 --> 00:42:52,112
Oh, God! Careful, careful.

620
00:42:59,828 --> 00:43:02,831
Get the searchlight on. Look.

621
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,671
Hey, put the light out.

622
00:43:10,256 --> 00:43:13,217
Hi. What's going on? May I join you?

623
00:43:14,009 --> 00:43:17,304
A little radio show from home.

624
00:43:18,973 --> 00:43:23,018
<i>- Yes, Frank.
- My zipper. Zipper.</i>

625
00:43:24,895 --> 00:43:28,565
<i>- Frank. Yes. Frank.</i>
- Is this the <i>Bickersons?</i> I love them.

626
00:43:28,649 --> 00:43:32,152
- Who?
<i>- The Battling Bickersons</i>. I love it.

627
00:43:35,155 --> 00:43:36,490
<i>Frank.</i>

628
00:43:39,034 --> 00:43:40,828
<i>Hard. Frank.</i>

629
00:43:41,537 --> 00:43:45,332
<i>Harder, harder. Oh, my God.</i>

630
00:43:48,502 --> 00:43:52,840
No, I forgot. No, I…

631
00:43:56,593 --> 00:44:00,055
- You're shining that thing in my eyes.
- I'm sorry.

632
00:44:00,723 --> 00:44:02,224
<i>Darling…</i>

633
00:44:02,933 --> 00:44:05,227
He is such a sweet man.

634
00:44:06,645 --> 00:44:09,732
<i>Frank! Frank, my lips are hot.</i>

635
00:44:10,441 --> 00:44:11,900
<i>Kiss my hot lips!</i>

636
00:44:11,984 --> 00:44:16,488
<i>- Yes, they are hot.</i>
- Hot? Hot Lips?

637
00:44:16,905 --> 00:44:20,701
We have got to share this
with the rest of the camp.

638
00:44:21,535 --> 00:44:24,038
- Switch it over.
- Okay.

639
00:44:24,705 --> 00:44:26,915
<i>Frank. Frank. Yes!</i>

640
00:44:27,166 --> 00:44:29,793
<i>- Darling…
- Frank.</i>

641
00:44:29,877 --> 00:44:32,212
<i>Frank, strangle me hard.</i>

642
00:44:32,755 --> 00:44:35,758
<i>- Frank!</i>
- What the hell is that?

643
00:44:36,967 --> 00:44:38,135
<i>Oh, yes!</i>

644
00:44:39,970 --> 00:44:43,432
Dr. Frank Burns is doing a bit
of dilatation and curettage.

645
00:44:47,102 --> 00:44:51,357
- Sounds like the major's having a dream.
- She's plugged in.

646
00:44:52,149 --> 00:44:55,152
<i>Major. Frank.</i>

647
00:44:56,612 --> 00:44:59,031
- Frank. Wait a second.
<i>- Frank. Wait a second.</i>

648
00:44:59,114 --> 00:45:00,157
- What is it?
<i>- What is it?</i>

649
00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:02,451
- Turn the light off!
<i>- Turn the light off!</i>

650
00:45:02,534 --> 00:45:05,746
- No! Let go! Turn the light off!
<i>- No! Let go! Turn the light off!</i>

651
00:45:06,914 --> 00:45:08,674
- Get your clothes on.
<i>- Get your clothes on.</i>

652
00:45:08,707 --> 00:45:09,768
- Get your pants on.
<i>- Get your pants on.</i>

653
00:45:09,792 --> 00:45:11,710
- Don't shout at me.
<i>- Don't shout at me.</i>

654
00:45:11,794 --> 00:45:13,712
- Don't shove me.
<i>- Don't shove me.</i>

655
00:45:28,936 --> 00:45:31,730
It's too bad Henry wasn't here.

656
00:45:31,814 --> 00:45:33,982
He would've thought it was
a real radio program.

657
00:45:34,066 --> 00:45:36,151
I thought it was a radio program.

658
00:45:36,235 --> 00:45:38,112
I think we should send
a letter of commendation

659
00:45:38,195 --> 00:45:40,406
to the Armed Forces Radio Network.

660
00:45:40,489 --> 00:45:45,369
Wonderful. Yes. It was the most
uplifting program I have ever heard.

661
00:45:45,452 --> 00:45:47,538
It was climactic.

662
00:45:54,253 --> 00:45:55,963
Morning, ladies.

663
00:46:04,138 --> 00:46:05,931
Well, hiya, Hot Lips.

664
00:46:07,766 --> 00:46:11,353
Oh, my goodness, over my…
I'm so sorry to touch you, but I…

665
00:46:14,690 --> 00:46:16,209
Well, what's the matter with her today?

666
00:46:16,233 --> 00:46:18,393
I don't know.
I think it's one of those ladies' things.

667
00:46:18,444 --> 00:46:21,363
- It's not like her to act like this.
- No, I mean, she's made such a…

668
00:46:21,447 --> 00:46:23,949
She's a bitch.
Look at my new flannel sweater.

669
00:46:24,032 --> 00:46:25,593
I think she's gonna have
a nervous breakdown.

670
00:46:25,617 --> 00:46:28,537
She can't even get out of the door. Look…

671
00:46:33,584 --> 00:46:35,127
Morning, Frank.

672
00:46:37,045 --> 00:46:38,964
Heard from your wife?

673
00:46:43,635 --> 00:46:45,155
Morning, Colonel,
you forgot your briefcase.

674
00:46:45,179 --> 00:46:46,930
Yes, I left it in the jeep.

675
00:46:47,014 --> 00:46:49,391
- You left it there.
- Yes. I forgot it. Got it.

676
00:46:49,475 --> 00:46:50,835
- Morning, Captain.
- Morning, sir.

677
00:46:50,893 --> 00:46:52,973
I hope you didn't have to…
Here, take care of this.

678
00:46:53,020 --> 00:46:56,899
I hope you didn't have to bother
with those shirts. It wasn't necessary.

679
00:46:56,982 --> 00:47:01,069
- Too late, sir. It's a done thing.
- Well, thank you. Morning, <i>padre.</i>

680
00:47:01,153 --> 00:47:03,405
You know, I really got to assume…

681
00:47:05,532 --> 00:47:10,621
- Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?
- Great. The general wasn't there.

682
00:47:12,915 --> 00:47:17,503
Listen, about last night, sir, there was
just nothing I could do about it, sir.

683
00:47:17,586 --> 00:47:19,213
- Nothing?
- Nothing.

684
00:47:19,505 --> 00:47:22,883
- Well, it couldn't have been helped.
- Thank you, sir.

685
00:47:23,550 --> 00:47:25,135
What's that?

686
00:47:25,886 --> 00:47:28,138
Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce.
Very encouraging.

687
00:47:29,264 --> 00:47:34,478
A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you,
Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack.

688
00:47:34,561 --> 00:47:36,080
- You know, was she…
- Mind your own business.

689
00:47:36,104 --> 00:47:39,858
No, Frank.
You know, is she better than self-abuse?

690
00:47:40,108 --> 00:47:43,695
What's that all about?
He gonna get some pointers or something?

691
00:47:43,779 --> 00:47:46,156
No, Hawkeye's gonna sign him up

692
00:47:46,240 --> 00:47:49,034
to make a personal appearance tour
in all the camps in Korea.

693
00:47:49,117 --> 00:47:50,410
Is that a fact?

694
00:47:50,494 --> 00:47:52,579
Wonder what they're saying.
Can you make it out?

695
00:47:52,663 --> 00:47:55,832
Does that big ass of hers
move around a lot, Frank,

696
00:47:55,916 --> 00:47:59,086
or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
What would you say about that?

697
00:48:00,462 --> 00:48:03,966
Hawkeye's questioning the major
on a point of anatomy.

698
00:48:04,049 --> 00:48:06,093
Very professional, exchanging ideas.

699
00:48:06,468 --> 00:48:08,554
Would you say that
she was a moaner, Frank?

700
00:48:10,389 --> 00:48:11,932
What is Burns saying?

701
00:48:12,015 --> 00:48:14,142
Major Burns isn't saying
much of anything, sir.

702
00:48:14,226 --> 00:48:16,061
I think he's formulating the answer.

703
00:48:16,144 --> 00:48:17,744
Seriously, Frank. I mean, does she go…

704
00:48:19,147 --> 00:48:22,109
Or does she just sort of lie there quiet
and not do anything at all?

705
00:48:22,192 --> 00:48:25,112
- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
- Or does she go…

706
00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:31,743
Get him off me! Get him off me!

707
00:48:31,827 --> 00:48:34,079
What's going on, Frank?
Is that lesson one?

708
00:48:34,162 --> 00:48:36,206
Frank Burns has gone nuts!

709
00:48:39,459 --> 00:48:41,086
- Hey.
- Hey.

710
00:48:41,169 --> 00:48:43,463
I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

711
00:48:43,547 --> 00:48:44,983
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye.

712
00:48:45,007 --> 00:48:48,135
That man is a sex maniac.
I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.

713
00:48:48,218 --> 00:48:50,387
You're gonna kill him.

714
00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:52,848
Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.

715
00:49:29,843 --> 00:49:34,348
Colonel, fair's fair. If I nail Hot Lips
and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?

716
00:49:56,495 --> 00:49:58,330
- Hawkeye!
- Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

717
00:49:58,413 --> 00:50:00,749
- Hawkeye!
- Shit.

718
00:50:01,291 --> 00:50:03,377
Okay. Hey, listen, Seidman,
get another guy.

719
00:50:03,460 --> 00:50:05,580
We gotta take this into the OR,
just on the stretcher.

720
00:50:05,921 --> 00:50:08,340
Hold on, you're gonna be just fine, fella.

721
00:50:08,423 --> 00:50:11,176
Okay. I can't move my hand.
Now, come on.

722
00:50:12,552 --> 00:50:14,763
Have you got the cutdowns, darling?

723
00:50:15,681 --> 00:50:17,891
You're gonna go to sleep.
You're gonna be just fine.

724
00:50:17,974 --> 00:50:19,827
Hot Lips, let me have
one of your sterile knives, please.

725
00:50:19,851 --> 00:50:23,021
- I'm gonna need two vascular clamps.
- All right.

726
00:50:23,105 --> 00:50:24,856
And an arterial suture.

727
00:50:24,940 --> 00:50:26,260
As soon as you give me the clamp,

728
00:50:26,316 --> 00:50:28,944
I want you to be ready to gown
and glove me. All right?

729
00:50:29,027 --> 00:50:30,362
- Ready? Okay.
- Yeah.

730
00:50:30,445 --> 00:50:32,531
Here we go. It's gonna spurt a bit. Okay.

731
00:50:32,614 --> 00:50:35,701
- You got it?
- Aye, aye, baby.

732
00:50:37,244 --> 00:50:38,704
- Clamp.
- Yeah.

733
00:50:43,291 --> 00:50:44,835
Okay, gown.

734
00:50:46,461 --> 00:50:49,923
- Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready?
- Yeah.

735
00:50:50,006 --> 00:50:53,385
Okay. Ugly, move out of the way
'cause I'm looking around over there.

736
00:50:53,468 --> 00:50:57,639
Baby, we're gonna see some stitching
like you never saw before!

737
00:50:58,181 --> 00:50:59,391
<i>Attention. Attention.</i>

738
00:50:59,474 --> 00:51:00,618
- You got it?
- Okay. Here she goes.

739
00:51:00,642 --> 00:51:01,703
<i>This is Colonel Blake's office.</i>

740
00:51:01,727 --> 00:51:03,663
<i>- The American Medical Association…</i>
- Straight off and running.

741
00:51:03,687 --> 00:51:06,314
<i>… has just declared marijuana
a dangerous drug.</i>

742
00:51:06,398 --> 00:51:08,984
<i>Despite earlier claims by some physicians</i>

743
00:51:09,568 --> 00:51:12,696
<i>that it is no more harmful than alcohol,
this is now found to be the case.</i>

744
00:51:12,779 --> 00:51:14,030
<i>That is all.</i>

745
00:51:14,114 --> 00:51:15,615
Oh, really?

746
00:51:16,158 --> 00:51:18,201
When did you get them?
Let me try it on you.

747
00:51:18,285 --> 00:51:19,828
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

748
00:51:20,495 --> 00:51:24,082
Hey, Dago Reddo!
Hi. You're just in time for cocktails.

749
00:51:24,166 --> 00:51:26,752
- Come on in.
- No. No, thank you. I can't, really.

750
00:51:26,835 --> 00:51:29,588
- Hawkeye. Hawkeye.
- Okay, Red.

751
00:51:29,671 --> 00:51:31,548
- Could I speak to you?
- Yeah, sure.

752
00:51:31,631 --> 00:51:33,008
No, outside.

753
00:51:34,092 --> 00:51:36,720
- What?
- I have to talk to you outside.

754
00:51:40,182 --> 00:51:41,933
- You all right?
- Hiya, Pup-Pup.

755
00:51:43,226 --> 00:51:45,306
Sorry to drag you away from the gang
in there, but…

756
00:51:45,353 --> 00:51:48,273
- What?
- This'll only take a moment.

757
00:51:48,690 --> 00:51:51,276
- There's a problem with Walt Waldowski.
- Painless?

758
00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:53,463
- Painless.
- You got a toothache? He's a good dentist.

759
00:51:53,487 --> 00:51:56,990
No, no, no, it's not my problem.
See, it's his problem.

760
00:51:57,616 --> 00:52:01,328
- What do you mean? What is it?
- Well, what is it… That's…

761
00:52:01,411 --> 00:52:03,288
It's difficult to talk about, you see,

762
00:52:03,371 --> 00:52:07,334
because I learned about his problem
in confession.

763
00:52:07,417 --> 00:52:10,170
- And you can't…
- I can't divulge.

764
00:52:10,253 --> 00:52:12,714
- Can you give me a hint?
- But I…

765
00:52:14,090 --> 00:52:16,092
- Just an idea?
- Well, no.

766
00:52:17,219 --> 00:52:20,555
But I can tell you how serious it is.

767
00:52:21,223 --> 00:52:23,225
He and the boys were playing poker

768
00:52:23,308 --> 00:52:25,644
and one of the boys turned to him
and asked him

769
00:52:25,727 --> 00:52:28,939
for a ruling on one of the hands.

770
00:52:29,272 --> 00:52:32,150
And Walt said, he said,

771
00:52:32,234 --> 00:52:35,737
"What does it matter? It's only a game."

772
00:52:36,780 --> 00:52:39,157
Painless said,
"What does it matter? It's only a game"?

773
00:52:39,241 --> 00:52:41,284
- Poker, only a game?
- Yeah.

774
00:52:42,911 --> 00:52:44,663
Yeah, that's what I thought.

775
00:52:44,746 --> 00:52:47,707
I guess I better go see a man
about a tooth.

776
00:52:48,124 --> 00:52:49,459
Thank you.

777
00:52:49,876 --> 00:52:53,088
- See, I didn't know what to do.
- Pup-Pup.

778
00:52:53,964 --> 00:52:56,424
You see, there are some…

779
00:52:56,508 --> 00:52:59,511
There are some things
that absolution just…

780
00:53:00,428 --> 00:53:01,596
Well…

781
00:53:03,390 --> 00:53:05,892
Seven, eight, Jack.
Straight. Three on a low.

782
00:53:06,601 --> 00:53:11,189
Four, three… Hawkeye, there's
an empty chair here looking for a player.

783
00:53:11,273 --> 00:53:13,817
Baby, I've got a toothache
like you can't believe.

784
00:53:13,900 --> 00:53:17,946
Why do you bring that dog in here?
Last time you did I lost $30.

785
00:53:18,572 --> 00:53:21,491
Listen, why do you have to sit right
behind me? It makes me very nervous.

786
00:53:21,575 --> 00:53:23,410
It brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.

787
00:53:23,493 --> 00:53:26,663
- Come on. Let's play, man.
- Deuce. Ace.

788
00:53:27,581 --> 00:53:29,749
- Can I take some of your Scotch?
- Sure.

789
00:53:29,833 --> 00:53:31,585
- You want some?
- No.

790
00:53:34,004 --> 00:53:36,798
- How you feeling?
- No, no, don't touch me.

791
00:53:37,757 --> 00:53:39,217
Look, if…

792
00:53:40,260 --> 00:53:43,638
If a man isn't a man anymore,

793
00:53:45,807 --> 00:53:49,227
what's he got left
that he should be living for?

794
00:53:51,438 --> 00:53:53,565
Okay, tell me about it. What's the story?

795
00:53:53,648 --> 00:53:58,445
Well, you know that little nurse that was
through here last night with the 325th?

796
00:53:58,528 --> 00:54:01,948
- The little one with the big boobs.
- Yeah, I know. Yeah.

797
00:54:02,032 --> 00:54:03,700
Well, anyway, I…

798
00:54:04,576 --> 00:54:08,163
I wasn't gonna fool around out here
because I got these…

799
00:54:08,246 --> 00:54:11,917
I got these three girls
that I'm engaged to back home.

800
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:15,337
And you wanted to be faithful to them.
Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home.

801
00:54:15,420 --> 00:54:20,008
Yeah, well, anyway,
I took her out last night and I failed.

802
00:54:20,926 --> 00:54:23,863
- You mean she wouldn't put out? Well…
- No, she wanted to, in the worst way.

803
00:54:23,887 --> 00:54:25,931
But it was me. I just couldn't…

804
00:54:26,014 --> 00:54:30,518
- You couldn't… It wouldn't…
- Yeah, nothing happened. Not at all. No.

805
00:54:30,602 --> 00:54:32,312
Baby, that happens to everybody.

806
00:54:32,395 --> 00:54:33,998
It's happened to me
maybe four or five times.

807
00:54:34,022 --> 00:54:35,273
It's 'cause you're tired…

808
00:54:35,357 --> 00:54:38,109
Yeah, well,
it's never happened to me before.

809
00:54:38,193 --> 00:54:41,363
Come on. You're the best-equipped dentist
in the army.

810
00:54:41,446 --> 00:54:45,408
- You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.
- That's just a cover-up.

811
00:54:47,661 --> 00:54:49,245
- What's a cover-up?
- Don Juanism.

812
00:54:49,329 --> 00:54:51,349
I've been reading about it all day.
It's a cover-up.

813
00:54:51,373 --> 00:54:53,458
It's a cover-up for what?

814
00:54:55,377 --> 00:54:56,586
Well…

815
00:54:59,547 --> 00:55:00,966
I'm a fairy.

816
00:55:02,217 --> 00:55:06,596
A victim of latent homosexuality.
I've turned into a fairy.

817
00:55:15,855 --> 00:55:20,276
- Have you… Have you done anything?
- No, but it's only a matter of time.

818
00:55:20,568 --> 00:55:22,737
Boy, I just can't face it.

819
00:55:24,322 --> 00:55:28,743
Look, Hawkeye, suppose that
you found out that you were one, huh?

820
00:55:28,827 --> 00:55:29,828
- One…
- Yeah.

821
00:55:29,911 --> 00:55:32,998
Well, you wouldn't like breaking the news
to your wife.

822
00:55:33,081 --> 00:55:35,000
No, I can see that that would be a problem.

823
00:55:35,083 --> 00:55:38,545
Yeah, well, I got the same problem,
only multiplied.

824
00:55:39,921 --> 00:55:41,965
Well, you know, Man O' War,

825
00:55:42,757 --> 00:55:47,721
after they retired him from racing,
they put him out to stud.

826
00:55:48,888 --> 00:55:55,145
And he had an average of about 120,

827
00:55:55,603 --> 00:55:59,899
130 foals every year,

828
00:56:00,525 --> 00:56:02,402
and he lived to be 36.

829
00:56:02,944 --> 00:56:05,196
And then when he died,
they did an autopsy

830
00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:08,366
and they found out
that he was a raving queen.

831
00:56:10,285 --> 00:56:12,954
No, that's a little-known fact,
but it's the truth.

832
00:56:13,038 --> 00:56:15,683
Well, then, Painless has got a couple
of good years left in him, doesn't he?

833
00:56:15,707 --> 00:56:18,043
Maybe more.
He hasn't even started raving yet.

834
00:56:18,126 --> 00:56:22,005
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist
shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.

835
00:56:22,088 --> 00:56:24,841
His problem is that he believes it.
I mean, he really is convinced.

836
00:56:24,924 --> 00:56:28,845
It's an obsession, and it's a vital force.

837
00:56:30,221 --> 00:56:31,723
Here he comes! The jawbreaker.

838
00:56:31,806 --> 00:56:33,850
No, don't worry.
He's not gonna break anything.

839
00:56:33,933 --> 00:56:36,061
Just act natural.

840
00:56:45,070 --> 00:56:47,655
Hey, Painless. How's she going?

841
00:56:48,156 --> 00:56:50,241
Something in a marshmallow?

842
00:56:51,993 --> 00:56:55,205
No, it's okay, fellas.
I know you've been talking about me.

843
00:56:57,832 --> 00:57:01,711
Well, I came over to tell you
that I've decided that

844
00:57:01,795 --> 00:57:03,963
I'm going to commit suicide.

845
00:57:07,509 --> 00:57:10,637
Well, if you're really gonna
go ahead and do it,

846
00:57:10,845 --> 00:57:14,182
do you think you could leave me
your record player?

847
00:57:14,265 --> 00:57:16,434
- Sure.
- Thank you.

848
00:57:17,727 --> 00:57:20,605
Gonna miss you, Painless.
How do you plan to do it?

849
00:57:20,688 --> 00:57:22,565
A .45 between the eyes?

850
00:57:22,649 --> 00:57:25,401
- That's awful sloppy.
- It's reliable, though.

851
00:57:25,485 --> 00:57:28,947
Well, that's another thing
I wanted to ask you.

852
00:57:29,489 --> 00:57:31,574
I'm sort of new at this game, and…

853
00:57:31,658 --> 00:57:34,494
Do you have any particular method
that you'd recommend?

854
00:57:34,577 --> 00:57:38,623
I don't know. I think my colleagues and I
could come up with something

855
00:57:38,706 --> 00:57:41,835
- to relinquish the vital forces of their…
- Black capsule.

856
00:57:41,918 --> 00:57:45,046
- Black capsule.
- Of course. That's neat.

857
00:57:45,130 --> 00:57:48,091
What's a black capsule?
Do you have any of them? Does it work?

858
00:57:48,174 --> 00:57:49,801
It worked for Hitler and Eva Braun.

859
00:57:49,884 --> 00:57:52,204
- It should work for you.
- It's simple and it's effective.

860
00:57:52,554 --> 00:57:53,972
Hawkeye, I really must…

861
00:57:54,055 --> 00:57:56,558
I should check with
the military vicar's office.

862
00:57:56,641 --> 00:58:00,979
You see, I cannot give absolution to a man
who is about to commit suicide.

863
00:58:01,062 --> 00:58:02,230
It's a mortal sin.

864
00:58:02,313 --> 00:58:06,025
Look, Dago, he is not committing suicide.
He is only intending to commit suicide.

865
00:58:06,109 --> 00:58:08,862
So you're not dealing with an act,
you're dealing with an intention.

866
00:58:08,945 --> 00:58:12,323
And if it works, if what we're doing works,
then he will not commit suicide,

867
00:58:12,407 --> 00:58:14,659
so therefore
you're preventing a mortal sin. Okay?

868
00:58:14,742 --> 00:58:16,661
Well, I should check.

869
00:58:16,744 --> 00:58:19,455
- Well, you check on it.
- Well, there's…

870
00:59:04,250 --> 00:59:07,128
All right, where you at? There you go.

871
00:59:08,463 --> 00:59:14,677
Now, then, you've all come here
to say your final farewell to old Walt here.

872
00:59:14,969 --> 00:59:17,263
- Farewell, Walt.
- Dear old Walt.

873
00:59:17,430 --> 00:59:23,019
You know, I got an idea that maybe
it's not such a final farewell after all.

874
00:59:23,102 --> 00:59:27,273
I think maybe old Walt's going on
into the unknown

875
00:59:27,357 --> 00:59:30,193
to do a little recon work for us all.

876
00:59:30,652 --> 00:59:33,112
I just want to say one thing.

877
00:59:33,529 --> 00:59:35,740
Nobody ordered Walt
to go on this mission.

878
00:59:35,823 --> 00:59:38,910
- He volunteered for certain death.
- That's true.

879
00:59:38,993 --> 00:59:41,120
That's what we award
our highest medals for.

880
00:59:41,204 --> 00:59:44,958
- That's beautiful.
- That's what being a soldier is all about.

881
00:59:45,041 --> 00:59:47,585
- Yeah. Hear! Hear!
- Yes. Yes.

882
00:59:47,669 --> 00:59:52,840
Gentlemen, I think there's only one person
who has anything to add to that,

883
00:59:52,924 --> 00:59:56,844
- and that's Dago Red.
- The <i>padre</i>. Let's hear it for the <i>padre.</i>

884
01:00:04,018 --> 01:00:06,854
Walt, here's your black capsule.

885
01:00:10,358 --> 01:00:13,486
Look, this thing works pretty fast,
doesn't it?

886
01:00:13,569 --> 01:00:16,322
I think I better go lie down over there.

887
01:00:18,199 --> 01:00:20,285
Walt, that'll help you.

888
01:00:22,954 --> 01:00:28,835
<i>Through early morning fog I see</i>

889
01:00:29,210 --> 01:00:33,923
<i>Visions of the things to be</i>

890
01:00:34,215 --> 01:00:39,595
<i>The pains that are withheld for me</i>

891
01:00:39,846 --> 01:00:45,184
<i>I realize and I can see</i>

892
01:00:48,980 --> 01:00:53,651
<i>That suicide is painless</i>

893
01:00:53,776 --> 01:00:58,114
<i>It brings on many changes</i>

894
01:00:58,323 --> 01:01:04,954
<i>And I can take or leave it if I please</i>

895
01:01:07,540 --> 01:01:11,919
<i>The game of life is hard to play</i>

896
01:01:12,003 --> 01:01:15,923
<i>I'm going to lose it anyway</i>

897
01:01:16,382 --> 01:01:20,345
<i>The losing card I'll someday lay</i>

898
01:01:20,511 --> 01:01:25,266
<i>So this is all I have to say</i>

899
01:01:27,643 --> 01:01:29,020
<i>That suicide is painless</i>

900
01:01:29,103 --> 01:01:32,690
Wherever you go, take this. Good luck.

901
01:01:32,774 --> 01:01:35,651
<i>It brings on many changes</i>

902
01:01:35,735 --> 01:01:39,238
<i>And I can take or leave it if I please</i>

903
01:01:39,322 --> 01:01:42,116
I'll always remember you just like this.

904
01:01:44,577 --> 01:01:48,247
<i>The only way to win is cheat</i>

905
01:01:48,331 --> 01:01:52,585
<i>And lay it down before I'm beat</i>

906
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:57,090
<i>And to another give my seat</i>

907
01:01:57,173 --> 01:02:01,886
<i>For that's the only painless feat</i>

908
01:02:01,969 --> 01:02:03,262
Painless.

909
01:02:04,639 --> 01:02:08,017
<i>Suicide is painless</i>

910
01:02:08,434 --> 01:02:10,144
<i>It brings on many changes</i>

911
01:02:10,228 --> 01:02:12,563
It was really nice of you.
Thanks for asking me.

912
01:02:12,647 --> 01:02:15,233
<i>And I can take or leave it if I please</i>

913
01:02:15,316 --> 01:02:16,526
Thing is,

914
01:02:17,944 --> 01:02:20,780
you're throwing
your whole education away.

915
01:02:23,616 --> 01:02:24,742
<i>And you can do</i>

916
01:02:24,826 --> 01:02:26,911
Good night, jawbreaker.

917
01:02:28,037 --> 01:02:31,541
<i>The same thing</i>

918
01:02:31,624 --> 01:02:37,755
<i>If you please</i>

919
01:03:00,027 --> 01:03:01,279
Hi, baby.

920
01:03:02,238 --> 01:03:04,449
- Hi.
- I'm glad you could come.

921
01:03:05,283 --> 01:03:07,160
Sorry it was so late.

922
01:03:07,243 --> 01:03:10,872
That's okay. I really couldn't sleep anyway.
I'm so nervous.

923
01:03:18,254 --> 01:03:20,173
You leaving tomorrow?

924
01:03:22,884 --> 01:03:25,970
Yeah. I'll be on my way
in less than 12 hours.

925
01:03:27,513 --> 01:03:31,934
I suppose who it's going to be really
roughest on, though, is your husband.

926
01:03:33,644 --> 01:03:36,898
Why are you all of a sudden
so concerned with him?

927
01:03:37,857 --> 01:03:40,318
I mean, a man would be
more considerate to his wife.

928
01:03:40,401 --> 01:03:42,445
He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.

929
01:03:43,112 --> 01:03:46,491
You're just going to have to stop using
logic 'cause you're just proving…

930
01:03:46,574 --> 01:03:48,159
It could be a purely impersonal thing.

931
01:03:48,242 --> 01:03:50,870
… why I shouldn't go to bed with you.

932
01:03:51,746 --> 01:03:53,372
I didn't mean me.

933
01:03:57,210 --> 01:04:00,171
<i>You have the rare privilege that happens
on certain occasions</i>

934
01:04:00,254 --> 01:04:03,299
<i>to chief executives of states or nations.</i>

935
01:04:03,758 --> 01:04:07,678
<i>You have the privilege
of restoring a human being's life</i>

936
01:04:07,762 --> 01:04:09,764
<i>by a tender act of mercy.</i>

937
01:04:10,681 --> 01:04:14,519
What is this? Hawkeye, is he dead?

938
01:04:15,728 --> 01:04:17,522
No, no.

939
01:04:18,147 --> 01:04:20,358
He's not dead. Not yet.

940
01:04:21,484 --> 01:04:23,778
Painless has a grave
psychological problem,

941
01:04:23,861 --> 01:04:26,197
and you're the only person
who can help him.

942
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:29,659
Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.

943
01:04:29,742 --> 01:04:31,822
No, Maria.
No, you've got to look on this as a nurse.

944
01:04:31,869 --> 01:04:35,206
Painless needs it for therapeutic value.

945
01:04:35,289 --> 01:04:38,543
It will help him, and it certainly
wouldn't do you any harm, either,

946
01:04:38,626 --> 01:04:39,794
to think about it for a bit.

947
01:04:39,877 --> 01:04:41,963
If you think that your virtue
is more important

948
01:04:42,046 --> 01:04:44,406
than Painless' life, that's fine.
That's entirely up to you.

949
01:04:44,465 --> 01:04:49,136
I just want you to stay here
and be with him for a minute.

950
01:04:49,262 --> 01:04:51,430
Just look at him.

951
01:04:51,514 --> 01:04:56,018
- Just stay close to the whole man.
- Oh, Hawkeye!

952
01:04:57,687 --> 01:04:59,313
And look at him.

953
01:05:04,485 --> 01:05:05,736
Hawkeye!

954
01:05:08,489 --> 01:05:10,616
This is ridiculous.

955
01:05:47,695 --> 01:05:51,824
You forgot your hat! You wouldn't
want to leave without a souvenir.

956
01:05:51,907 --> 01:05:53,534
Have a good trip.

957
01:05:55,328 --> 01:05:58,706
Lieutenant Schneider, you forgot to pick up
your traveling orders. Wait a second!

958
01:05:58,789 --> 01:06:03,002
You're supposed to pick…
These are your traveling orders.

959
01:06:07,590 --> 01:06:10,134
- Morning, Painless.
- Hi, Hawkeye.

960
01:06:10,801 --> 01:06:12,553
How's she going?

961
01:06:12,845 --> 01:06:15,014
Slept like a doll last night.

962
01:06:15,097 --> 01:06:16,432
Well, can't waste time. Big day.

963
01:06:16,515 --> 01:06:19,143
Got two jaws to rebuild.
Come on, Seidman.

964
01:06:21,270 --> 01:06:22,897
Have a good day.

965
01:06:46,295 --> 01:06:48,005
<i>Attention. Attention.</i>

966
01:06:48,089 --> 01:06:50,800
<i>Religious services for Yom Kippur
will be held this…</i>

967
01:06:50,883 --> 01:06:55,012
<i>Will not, will not be held this Friday
due to mitigating circumstances.</i>

968
01:06:55,096 --> 01:06:57,264
<i>For those who wish to observe
said holiday,</i>

969
01:06:57,348 --> 01:07:00,142
<i>Sunday has been reserved. That is all.</i>

970
01:07:00,226 --> 01:07:02,853
- Trapper, this one's for you, babe.
- Knife.

971
01:07:04,313 --> 01:07:05,981
That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.

972
01:07:06,065 --> 01:07:08,734
So are you, sweetheart,
but you don't know it.

973
01:07:08,818 --> 01:07:12,029
- It's in pretty deep.
- I think that was my finger.

974
01:07:12,905 --> 01:07:16,033
Now, I need your help, Hawkeye.
It's hit more than a lung.

975
01:07:16,117 --> 01:07:18,619
- What do you think?
- I don't know.

976
01:07:19,286 --> 01:07:20,871
- Hey, Radar.
- Yes.

977
01:07:20,955 --> 01:07:24,333
Radar, has that A negative come in from
Seoul yet? I need some in right away.

978
01:07:24,417 --> 01:07:27,878
- We keep ordering it, but it never arrives.
- How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly?

979
01:07:27,962 --> 01:07:29,755
Good. He's ready.

980
01:07:29,839 --> 01:07:32,133
Pickups and irrigation, please.

981
01:07:33,300 --> 01:07:34,468
- We good?
- Yeah.

982
01:07:34,552 --> 01:07:35,970
All right, give me some gel foam.

983
01:07:37,054 --> 01:07:39,473
Not now, honey. Go back to sleep.

984
01:07:48,190 --> 01:07:49,483
Scissors.

985
01:07:50,484 --> 01:07:52,403
- Sponge.
- More sponges.

986
01:07:53,070 --> 01:07:56,699
- Let's have the suction up here. Thank you.
- Rib spreader.

987
01:07:57,616 --> 01:08:01,829
- Clamp.
- Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.

988
01:08:02,163 --> 01:08:03,164
There's a lot of blood.

989
01:08:03,247 --> 01:08:04,290
- Sponge.
- Go ahead.

990
01:08:04,373 --> 01:08:07,418
- Scissors. Watch it.
- Give me something to stuff it in with.

991
01:08:07,501 --> 01:08:08,919
- Clamp.
- Pickups to me, please.

992
01:08:09,003 --> 01:08:10,504
How's he tolerating this, Ugly John?

993
01:08:10,588 --> 01:08:13,340
- Good. He's young.
- Things get slippery in there, man.

994
01:08:13,424 --> 01:08:14,842
You're a backhanded guy.

995
01:08:14,925 --> 01:08:17,178
Let me have the forceps
and a sponge stick.

996
01:08:17,261 --> 01:08:20,931
Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass,
but you're a damn good nurse.

997
01:08:21,015 --> 01:08:24,351
- Thanks, Trapper.
- Put in the blood there, will you, John?

998
01:08:24,435 --> 01:08:26,580
There's a clot on the cava,
just above the atrium, though.

999
01:08:26,604 --> 01:08:27,938
Must be the point of entry.

1000
01:08:28,022 --> 01:08:29,190
Clamp.

1001
01:08:32,610 --> 01:08:35,613
I feel a fragment right underneath the clot.

1002
01:08:35,696 --> 01:08:37,782
- You control the cava.
- Okay.

1003
01:08:37,865 --> 01:08:40,618
- We got to stop that spurting.
- Clamp.

1004
01:08:40,701 --> 01:08:42,828
- Do what?
- Stop the spurting.

1005
01:08:42,912 --> 01:08:45,414
That's a very good technical term.

1006
01:08:46,373 --> 01:08:47,958
Oh, Christ. It's not in the cava.

1007
01:08:48,042 --> 01:08:50,085
It's in the pulmonary artery
in the left side.

1008
01:08:50,169 --> 01:08:53,064
Okay, let me close him up, sit on it
for a couple of days till we get the blood.

1009
01:08:53,088 --> 01:08:55,192
We can't sit on it for a couple of days.
What if we get jammed up?

1010
01:08:55,216 --> 01:08:57,009
We don't have the blood!

1011
01:08:57,092 --> 01:08:59,412
We got to turn him over.
If you cut again, you'll lose him.

1012
01:08:59,470 --> 01:09:03,516
Look, Hawkeye, the artery can erode.
I would…

1013
01:09:03,599 --> 01:09:05,976
Now's the time to take our shot.
We got to shoot crap.

1014
01:09:06,060 --> 01:09:09,060
- A negative. It's been cross-matched.
- You said you didn't have any blood.

1015
01:09:09,104 --> 01:09:10,272
I found a donor.

1016
01:09:10,689 --> 01:09:15,319
You know, up close, all crumpled up like
that, they don't look like much, you know.

1017
01:09:15,402 --> 01:09:17,905
Hey, was he loaded or empty
when he crashed?

1018
01:09:17,988 --> 01:09:20,825
No, he was loaded,
but it didn't matter much.

1019
01:09:20,908 --> 01:09:24,286
You see, the two guys
he was carrying were dead already.

1020
01:09:24,370 --> 01:09:26,205
What about the pilot?
What happened to him?

1021
01:09:26,288 --> 01:09:28,499
Pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap,

1022
01:09:28,582 --> 01:09:30,852
and he lost the function
in his right hand, but he's great.

1023
01:09:30,876 --> 01:09:34,421
I didn't hear. What color was her hair?

1024
01:09:34,505 --> 01:09:37,174
Black, shiny. Shiny, black hair.

1025
01:09:37,258 --> 01:09:42,721
Black? You like black?
I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.

1026
01:09:42,805 --> 01:09:47,643
I knew it. I knew you had
an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan.

1027
01:09:47,726 --> 01:09:49,937
- Hear! Hear!
- Go to hell, Captain Pierce.

1028
01:09:50,020 --> 01:09:52,523
You know I damn near puke
every time I look at her.

1029
01:09:52,606 --> 01:09:55,484
Besides, I'll bet she's not a real blonde.

1030
01:09:55,568 --> 01:10:00,614
How dare you say that about
an officer of the United States Army, sir?

1031
01:10:00,739 --> 01:10:04,994
I'll not only say it,
but I'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?

1032
01:10:05,077 --> 01:10:07,955
You have yourself a bet, sir.
You're my witness.

1033
01:10:08,038 --> 01:10:10,851
I'll be a witness, but who's going to be
the poor <i>schmuck</i> who finds out?

1034
01:10:10,875 --> 01:10:15,462
Well, I could, if no one else wants, I…

1035
01:10:15,546 --> 01:10:20,676
No, no. We got to all see it together
somehow.

1036
01:10:34,982 --> 01:10:37,878
You know, it's five minutes after the time
the nurses usually take their shower.

1037
01:10:37,902 --> 01:10:40,154
- Where are they?
- They will be here.

1038
01:10:41,655 --> 01:10:43,449
Finest kind, Ho-Jon.

1039
01:10:44,700 --> 01:10:46,827
- What's happening?
- Radar.

1040
01:10:47,661 --> 01:10:49,163
- You see the papers?
- What?

1041
01:10:49,246 --> 01:10:50,682
- You don't know about the papers?
- What papers?

1042
01:10:50,706 --> 01:10:51,850
The Colonel left some papers.

1043
01:10:51,874 --> 01:10:55,336
- Why didn't you tell me about the papers?
- I tried to tell you.

1044
01:10:57,838 --> 01:11:00,925
Here you go, here you go. They're coming.

1045
01:11:09,433 --> 01:11:11,894
- Evelyn, could you give me a hand?
- Sure.

1046
01:11:11,977 --> 01:11:15,522
Hey, Frankie, could you take a look
at my corns, please?

1047
01:11:16,565 --> 01:11:18,651
Knocko, the pictures of my kids
have come.

1048
01:11:18,734 --> 01:11:20,277
The pictures of my kids have come.

1049
01:11:20,361 --> 01:11:22,380
Hot Lips, would you like to see
the pictures of my kids?

1050
01:11:22,404 --> 01:11:24,573
I'm not the slightest bit interested.

1051
01:12:43,152 --> 01:12:44,528
Bravo!

1052
01:12:44,611 --> 01:12:47,948
Bravo! Bravo!

1053
01:12:48,490 --> 01:12:51,326
Bravo! Author! Bravo!

1054
01:12:54,079 --> 01:12:57,332
Bravo! Author! Author!

1055
01:12:57,416 --> 01:12:59,001
20 bucks, huh?

1056
01:12:59,668 --> 01:13:01,378
You win the bet.

1057
01:13:01,462 --> 01:13:03,505
You bastards!

1058
01:13:15,017 --> 01:13:17,120
- Major, what went on over there…
- Where's Colonel Blake?

1059
01:13:17,144 --> 01:13:18,580
Wait a second.
You can't go and see Colonel Blake.

1060
01:13:18,604 --> 01:13:20,647
You shut up, you twerp!

1061
01:13:28,072 --> 01:13:31,575
This isn't a hospital!
It's an insane asylum!

1062
01:13:31,658 --> 01:13:36,246
And it's your fault because you don't
do anything to discourage them!

1063
01:13:36,872 --> 01:13:40,042
- What do you want me to do?
- Put them under arrest!

1064
01:13:40,125 --> 01:13:44,171
See what a court-martial thinks
of their drunken hooliganism!

1065
01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:49,843
At first they called me Hot Lips,
and you let them get away with it,

1066
01:13:49,927 --> 01:13:53,764
and then you let them
get away with everything!

1067
01:13:55,349 --> 01:14:00,854
If you don't turn them over
to the MP this minute,

1068
01:14:00,938 --> 01:14:06,110
I'm going to resign my commission!

1069
01:14:06,193 --> 01:14:09,905
God damn it, Hot Lips,
resign your goddamn commission.

1070
01:14:14,201 --> 01:14:16,495
My commission!

1071
01:14:17,538 --> 01:14:19,248
My commission!

1072
01:14:20,207 --> 01:14:21,875
My commission!

1073
01:14:22,626 --> 01:14:24,545
A little more wine, my dear?

1074
01:14:24,628 --> 01:14:26,213
Yes, please.

1075
01:14:35,055 --> 01:14:36,974
Don't forget to get your mother
her present.

1076
01:14:37,057 --> 01:14:39,560
You know what I want to get her?

1077
01:14:39,643 --> 01:14:41,145
Come on, baby.

1078
01:14:42,646 --> 01:14:46,400
Come on. You all right?
Keep it straight, eh?

1079
01:14:46,483 --> 01:14:49,194
No. First of all, the present,
then dinner, then the movie.

1080
01:14:49,278 --> 01:14:51,118
- You mean all, all three of us?
- Who is this?

1081
01:14:51,196 --> 01:14:52,865
Where I go, Warren goes.

1082
01:14:52,948 --> 01:14:54,908
What? You don't want me to go with you?

1083
01:14:56,410 --> 01:14:58,453
- It's not that.
- I think…

1084
01:14:59,246 --> 01:15:01,081
Oh, yes, I do!

1085
01:15:02,291 --> 01:15:05,502
He's Syngman Rhee's son,
and he goes right in.

1086
01:15:07,921 --> 01:15:09,506
Come on, Bandini.

1087
01:15:17,097 --> 01:15:18,682
Hey, soldier!

1088
01:15:21,268 --> 01:15:24,771
- Me?
- Yeah, you. Where you from?

1089
01:15:24,855 --> 01:15:28,692
- A MASH outfit at the frontline.
- No, I mean your hometown.

1090
01:15:28,775 --> 01:15:30,861
It's on the East Coast.

1091
01:15:30,944 --> 01:15:33,030
Have you been wounded yet?

1092
01:15:35,782 --> 01:15:38,118
Yeah, a little, a slight…

1093
01:15:38,952 --> 01:15:40,829
Would you like to say hello
to your mother?

1094
01:15:40,913 --> 01:15:43,498
Well, my mother's dead, actually.
She's deceased.

1095
01:15:44,666 --> 01:15:46,084
Well, I'm sorry.

1096
01:15:46,168 --> 01:15:50,380
- I'd like to say hello to my father, if I could.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, fine.

1097
01:15:52,132 --> 01:15:53,383
Hi, Dad.

1098
01:16:19,201 --> 01:16:23,497
Excuse me. I am making an examination
of this young man

1099
01:16:24,331 --> 01:16:26,917
to find out if he would be
a soldier in our army.

1100
01:16:27,000 --> 01:16:30,629
Oh, yeah, I know. Hi, Ho-Jon.
How's she going, boy?

1101
01:16:30,712 --> 01:16:33,173
His heartbeat is much too fast,

1102
01:16:33,257 --> 01:16:37,052
and his blood pressure
is dangerously high.

1103
01:16:37,135 --> 01:16:38,387
Oh, yeah?

1104
01:16:40,555 --> 01:16:42,975
I guess you probably think
he's unfit for the army, eh?

1105
01:16:43,058 --> 01:16:48,355
Yes, at first. But when I saw on his paper
he worked in an American hospital

1106
01:16:48,438 --> 01:16:52,526
where there are many drugs,
and he could have taken some by mistake.

1107
01:16:52,859 --> 01:16:55,737
- What would he do a thing like that for?
- Who knows?

1108
01:16:55,821 --> 01:16:59,283
To find the truth, I will keep him here
with me for a couple of days.

1109
01:16:59,366 --> 01:17:02,703
By tomorrow, his fast heart
and high blood pressure may be gone.

1110
01:17:02,786 --> 01:17:06,123
- Look…
- So I suggest you say goodbye to him now.

1111
01:17:06,206 --> 01:17:08,667
- Doctor, I've…
- It was a nice try. It was a nice try.

1112
01:17:08,750 --> 01:17:10,127
Come on, Ho-Jon.

1113
01:17:14,881 --> 01:17:17,175
Oh, man!

1114
01:17:17,759 --> 01:17:22,014
<i>The following program is brought to you
through Radio Tokyo by courtesy</i>

1115
01:17:22,097 --> 01:17:27,060
<i>of the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
Post Number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri.</i>

1116
01:17:27,144 --> 01:17:29,563
<i>A federal court rules that
E.I. Du Pont De Nemours and Company,</i>

1117
01:17:30,814 --> 01:17:32,607
<i>Remington Arms Company Inc.,</i>

1118
01:17:32,691 --> 01:17:36,111
<i>and the Imperial Chemical Industries
Limited of Great Britain</i>

1119
01:17:36,903 --> 01:17:39,573
<i>have conspired to divide munition…</i>

1120
01:18:04,222 --> 01:18:05,349
Hey!

1121
01:18:06,683 --> 01:18:10,354
Idiot! He knocked me down the hill!
He broke my umbrella!

1122
01:18:13,106 --> 01:18:16,985
I wish they wouldn't land these things here
when we're playing golf.

1123
01:18:20,113 --> 01:18:21,531
- That's him on the right.
- Fore!

1124
01:18:21,615 --> 01:18:23,533
- Wait! Wait!
- Captain…

1125
01:18:23,617 --> 01:18:26,370
The lieutenant's come all the way
from Seoul, sir, just to see you.

1126
01:18:26,453 --> 01:18:29,039
- You're Captain McIntyre?
- Yes, I'm Captain…

1127
01:18:29,122 --> 01:18:31,541
Lieutenant, you look terrible.

1128
01:18:31,625 --> 01:18:34,044
Captain, look at his eyes.
Let me see your tongue.

1129
01:18:34,127 --> 01:18:37,714
Oh, no, no. Here, take your shirt off
and tell me where it hurts.

1130
01:18:37,798 --> 01:18:41,593
I haven't seen a case like this
since I was in school. Oh, my goodness.

1131
01:18:41,676 --> 01:18:44,679
Listen, Vollmer, tell them
to prepare the major surgery.

1132
01:18:44,763 --> 01:18:47,224
This is one case in five.
I think I can save you, Lieutenant.

1133
01:18:47,307 --> 01:18:49,976
You're to proceed to
Kokura, Japan immediately.

1134
01:18:50,060 --> 01:18:52,396
Kokura, Japan! What's this all about?

1135
01:18:52,479 --> 01:18:54,147
Yeah. His dad's a Congressman.

1136
01:18:54,648 --> 01:18:56,876
Grenade went off in practice.
There's a piece in his heart.

1137
01:18:56,900 --> 01:18:59,444
- What?
- GI's dad's a Congressman.

1138
01:18:59,528 --> 01:19:01,988
Grenade went off in practice.
Piece in his heart.

1139
01:19:02,072 --> 01:19:04,616
- That the x-rays?
- Yeah.

1140
01:19:05,075 --> 01:19:09,121
Apparently some big heart surgeon
in Boston told the Congressman

1141
01:19:09,204 --> 01:19:14,126
the only man to take care of his son
is Captain John McIntyre.

1142
01:19:15,001 --> 01:19:19,673
Of course, I suppose there could be
two Captain John McIntyres.

1143
01:19:19,756 --> 01:19:22,092
No, no, I'm the only John McIntyre.

1144
01:19:22,175 --> 01:19:25,178
Look, Hammond says I can take along
someone to assist me if I need him.

1145
01:19:25,262 --> 01:19:26,680
- You want to come?
- Yeah.

1146
01:19:28,014 --> 01:19:31,977
Lieutenant, I think I can save you.
Look, take one of these every half-hour.

1147
01:19:32,060 --> 01:19:34,872
Now, get into your helicopter and button
up your shirt, for crying out loud!

1148
01:19:34,896 --> 01:19:37,524
You're in the military army!

1149
01:19:37,607 --> 01:19:40,694
- That piece isn't even close to his heart.
- I know, I know. It's nothing.

1150
01:19:40,777 --> 01:19:43,989
But, look, how many times do you
get to go to Japan with your golf clubs?

1151
01:19:44,072 --> 01:19:45,365
Come on, Shirley.

1152
01:20:17,731 --> 01:20:18,940
Goddamn army.

1153
01:20:28,867 --> 01:20:30,327
Goddamn army.

1154
01:20:38,627 --> 01:20:40,587
Goddamn army jeep.

1155
01:20:45,300 --> 01:20:46,343
Excuse me, soldier.

1156
01:20:46,426 --> 01:20:48,321
I wonder if you could tell me
where the Congressman's son is?

1157
01:20:48,345 --> 01:20:50,764
- He's in Ward 6.
- Darling, would you register for us?

1158
01:20:50,847 --> 01:20:52,516
- Just a moment!
- Ward 6.

1159
01:20:52,599 --> 01:20:55,519
You can't go in there. Who are you?

1160
01:20:55,602 --> 01:20:57,270
Who am I? I am the pro from Dover,

1161
01:20:57,354 --> 01:20:58,789
- and this is my favorite caddy.
- I don't believe you.

1162
01:20:58,813 --> 01:21:00,583
You can't go in till I call Captain Peterson.

1163
01:21:00,607 --> 01:21:02,585
- We already called Captain Peterson.
- Wait a second.

1164
01:21:02,609 --> 01:21:03,961
If this soldier wants to enforce
her own orders,

1165
01:21:03,985 --> 01:21:06,821
I'm going to take her on single-handedly.

1166
01:21:07,864 --> 01:21:09,407
- Get away!
- You open this.

1167
01:21:09,491 --> 01:21:11,952
- He's won two Purple Hearts.
- You can't…

1168
01:21:12,035 --> 01:21:14,680
- I'll ravage your body, lady.
- You stay away from me. I'll call the police.

1169
01:21:14,704 --> 01:21:17,642
- You can't come in here! You can't.
- You have not seen such a beast, lady.

1170
01:21:17,666 --> 01:21:20,794
I'm going to call Captain Peterson.
You stay away from me!

1171
01:21:25,840 --> 01:21:27,551
Captain Peterson, please.

1172
01:21:27,634 --> 01:21:29,302
Captain Peterson!

1173
01:21:34,140 --> 01:21:36,060
What are you two hoodlums
doing in this hospital?

1174
01:21:36,101 --> 01:21:38,186
Ma'am, we are surgeons
and we're here to operate.

1175
01:21:38,270 --> 01:21:39,789
We're just waiting for a starting time,
that's all.

1176
01:21:39,813 --> 01:21:41,333
Well, you can't even go near a patient

1177
01:21:41,398 --> 01:21:44,234
until Colonel Merrill says it's okay,
and he's still out to lunch.

1178
01:21:44,317 --> 01:21:46,236
Look, Mother, I want to go to work
in one hour.

1179
01:21:46,319 --> 01:21:49,906
We are the pros from Dover,
and we figure to crack this kid's chest

1180
01:21:49,990 --> 01:21:52,075
and get out to the golf course
before it gets dark.

1181
01:21:52,158 --> 01:21:53,577
So you go find the gas passer,

1182
01:21:53,660 --> 01:21:55,412
and you have him
pre-medicate this patient,

1183
01:21:55,495 --> 01:21:57,014
then bring me the latest pictures on him.

1184
01:21:57,038 --> 01:21:59,416
The ones we saw
must be 48 hours old by now.

1185
01:21:59,499 --> 01:22:02,043
Then call the kitchen
and have them rustle us up some lunch.

1186
01:22:02,127 --> 01:22:03,980
Ham and eggs will be all right.
Steak would be even better.

1187
01:22:04,004 --> 01:22:07,007
And then give me at least one nurse
who knows how to work in close

1188
01:22:07,090 --> 01:22:08,842
without getting her tits in my way.

1189
01:22:10,385 --> 01:22:12,012
Oh, you fool.

1190
01:22:14,598 --> 01:22:17,309
How do you want your steak cooked?

1191
01:22:22,188 --> 01:22:23,398
Towel.

1192
01:22:29,362 --> 01:22:32,449
Say the magic words, you make $100.

1193
01:22:35,910 --> 01:22:39,122
All right! I demand an explanation.

1194
01:22:39,205 --> 01:22:41,645
Somebody get that dirty old man
out of this operating theater.

1195
01:22:41,708 --> 01:22:43,335
Dirty old man…

1196
01:22:44,044 --> 01:22:45,420
I'm Colonel Merrill.

1197
01:22:45,503 --> 01:22:49,007
I don't care if you're Jack Armstrong,
the All-American Boy.

1198
01:22:49,090 --> 01:22:53,178
If this chest gets infected,
I will tell the Congressman who did it.

1199
01:22:53,261 --> 01:22:56,264
- Scissors, please.
- Will you let me have a skin suture?

1200
01:22:56,348 --> 01:22:57,724
Load pickups.

1201
01:22:59,225 --> 01:23:01,686
- Who was that?
- That's Colonel Merrill.

1202
01:23:01,770 --> 01:23:04,564
- This is his little store here.
- Oh, yeah?

1203
01:23:05,398 --> 01:23:06,816
Who are you?

1204
01:23:07,233 --> 01:23:10,904
I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually.
This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.

1205
01:23:13,073 --> 01:23:15,283
Then why don't you save
your rapier-like wit

1206
01:23:15,367 --> 01:23:18,119
for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye?

1207
01:23:20,872 --> 01:23:22,415
Approximate her.

1208
01:23:22,999 --> 01:23:26,920
Did I ever tell you about my friend,
"Me Lai" Marston?

1209
01:23:27,295 --> 01:23:28,380
Oh, yeah, yeah.

1210
01:23:28,463 --> 01:23:29,857
That friend of yours
who would go around saying,

1211
01:23:29,881 --> 01:23:33,843
"Me lay, you lay" to all the girls,
and, what, he'd score once out of 50 times.

1212
01:23:33,927 --> 01:23:35,595
Yeah, you told me about him.

1213
01:23:36,429 --> 01:23:38,848
He's passing gas
for the Congressman's son here.

1214
01:23:38,932 --> 01:23:42,018
Really? When he's not passing gas,
does he play golf?

1215
01:23:42,102 --> 01:23:43,603
I don't know.

1216
01:23:43,937 --> 01:23:46,856
- Do you play golf?
- No. I have no time for golf.

1217
01:23:46,940 --> 01:23:51,194
I'm moonlighting down at Dr. Yamachi's
New Era Hospital and Whorehouse.

1218
01:23:51,611 --> 01:23:53,255
This old guy that I met
when I first came over here,

1219
01:23:53,279 --> 01:23:55,240
he's got a little crude hospital for kids

1220
01:23:55,323 --> 01:23:58,243
and he finances it with a whorehouse,
all in the same building.

1221
01:23:58,618 --> 01:24:02,330
It's the NEHWH. Come on down,
and we'll get something going for you.

1222
01:24:02,414 --> 01:24:05,583
- I've got an in, in Kokura!
- Here, soldier, take these,

1223
01:24:05,667 --> 01:24:07,460
and take our golf carts, and… Be careful.

1224
01:24:07,544 --> 01:24:09,855
Don't drop any of those things
'cause we're going to play golf later.

1225
01:24:09,879 --> 01:24:11,381
- It's important.
- Goodbye, pimp.

1226
01:24:12,590 --> 01:24:14,259
- Ladies.
- Girls.

1227
01:24:14,342 --> 01:24:16,803
Gentlemen. Be careful with that…

1228
01:24:17,762 --> 01:24:19,472
Military police.

1229
01:24:37,907 --> 01:24:41,327
All right, fellas, the game's over.

1230
01:24:43,246 --> 01:24:45,665
Finally caught up with us, huh?

1231
01:24:47,333 --> 01:24:49,169
Where did we fail?

1232
01:24:49,252 --> 01:24:51,212
I don't know. I think it was the woman.

1233
01:24:51,337 --> 01:24:54,174
Something tells me
I've seen her some place before.

1234
01:24:54,883 --> 01:24:57,010
She was the one in Tangiers.

1235
01:24:57,886 --> 01:25:02,182
You can wait in the colonel's office.
He'll be back in a few minutes.

1236
01:25:12,275 --> 01:25:14,027
We don't blame you.

1237
01:25:17,405 --> 01:25:18,865
You're only doing your job.

1238
01:25:19,032 --> 01:25:23,203
<i>United Press International, today,
voted the Korean War</i>

1239
01:25:23,286 --> 01:25:27,290
<i>- the top news story of 1951.</i>
- We're in the middle of putting.

1240
01:25:28,124 --> 01:25:29,334
My God.

1241
01:25:31,377 --> 01:25:33,922
All right. You men are under arrest.

1242
01:25:34,964 --> 01:25:38,051
- I'll have you court-martialed.
- Come off it, Colonel.

1243
01:25:38,134 --> 01:25:40,720
You won't have us. We have you.

1244
01:25:40,804 --> 01:25:45,225
Your boys blew this case
and we bailed you out.

1245
01:25:46,142 --> 01:25:48,603
Now we are going to stay here
for one more day

1246
01:25:48,686 --> 01:25:51,481
and check out the Congressman's kid

1247
01:25:51,564 --> 01:25:55,276
and get in some golf for ourselves.

1248
01:25:56,069 --> 01:25:58,988
If that's okay with you, then we got a deal.

1249
01:25:59,489 --> 01:26:02,158
And if it isn't,
then we can always call Washington

1250
01:26:02,242 --> 01:26:04,953
and you tell them your story
and we'll tell them ours.

1251
01:26:05,036 --> 01:26:06,329
It's as simple as that.

1252
01:26:06,412 --> 01:26:08,998
In the meantime,
we are going to be at the pro shop,

1253
01:26:09,082 --> 01:26:11,376
where we are going to have
a shower and a shave.

1254
01:26:11,459 --> 01:26:15,338
If you want to get in touch with us,
that is where we will be.

1255
01:26:20,635 --> 01:26:22,971
Is that a client? Excuse me.

1256
01:26:32,063 --> 01:26:34,774
- I've got sinus, too.
- Put some of that in that one.

1257
01:26:34,858 --> 01:26:36,901
- Put it in a plate.
- How about sake?

1258
01:26:40,113 --> 01:26:41,447
Excuse me.

1259
01:26:43,032 --> 01:26:45,118
That really looks terrible.

1260
01:26:49,247 --> 01:26:51,165
- Okay.
- You try one.

1261
01:26:52,542 --> 01:26:54,627
- Good?
- It's terrible.

1262
01:27:00,133 --> 01:27:03,344
Listen, I hate to do this to you, fellas,

1263
01:27:03,428 --> 01:27:06,306
but do you think you could take a minute
and look at a kid for me?

1264
01:27:06,389 --> 01:27:07,891
- Now?
- A kid?

1265
01:27:07,974 --> 01:27:09,785
Yeah.
We had a little carelessness around here,

1266
01:27:09,809 --> 01:27:11,936
and the other day,
one of our girls presented us

1267
01:27:12,020 --> 01:27:14,814
with an eight pound
American-Japanese boy.

1268
01:27:17,483 --> 01:27:19,523
Whatever we feed him,
it either comes right back up,

1269
01:27:19,569 --> 01:27:22,697
or he coughs and he turns blue.
He just has a hell of a time.

1270
01:27:22,780 --> 01:27:25,301
We don't have to see him.
Just call that half-assed army hospital

1271
01:27:25,325 --> 01:27:27,619
and tell them to get some Lipiodol
ready for his stomach,

1272
01:27:27,702 --> 01:27:29,287
and we'll go over and take some x-rays.

1273
01:27:29,370 --> 01:27:31,247
We can't get near that place.

1274
01:27:31,331 --> 01:27:34,083
You know, with a civilian,
the colonel has a big thing about it,

1275
01:27:34,167 --> 01:27:35,728
especially a native,
as he likes to call them.

1276
01:27:35,752 --> 01:27:37,271
Then don't tell him
any more than necessary.

1277
01:27:37,295 --> 01:27:39,881
Tell him the pros from Dover
are on their way with an emergency.

1278
01:27:39,964 --> 01:27:42,425
Tell him to get the OR ready,
get the kid asleep

1279
01:27:42,508 --> 01:27:45,678
and Trapper and I'll fix
his tracheoesophageal fistula.

1280
01:27:48,389 --> 01:27:50,934
Okay, Me Lai, put him down in here.

1281
01:27:51,017 --> 01:27:53,603
Get him to sleep
as quick as you can, will you?

1282
01:27:53,686 --> 01:27:56,105
- Where did this baby come from?
- Watch him.

1283
01:27:56,189 --> 01:27:58,626
- Is this what you got us up for?
- Yeah. That's what we got you up for.

1284
01:27:58,650 --> 01:28:00,085
Now, come on. Look, we stumbled on him.

1285
01:28:00,109 --> 01:28:02,946
We don't want him, but we don't feel
we can back away from him.

1286
01:28:03,029 --> 01:28:05,448
All right.
This time, I will not be intimidated.

1287
01:28:05,531 --> 01:28:07,251
I command that this
illegal and improper use

1288
01:28:07,325 --> 01:28:09,494
of army facilities cease immediately!

1289
01:28:09,577 --> 01:28:12,664
On this point, I stand as firm
as the Rock of Gibraltar.

1290
01:28:12,747 --> 01:28:14,624
And furthermore… You can't do…

1291
01:28:21,839 --> 01:28:23,466
This one is for West Point.

1292
01:28:23,549 --> 01:28:25,885
What the Sam Hill's going on here?

1293
01:28:25,969 --> 01:28:30,056
That's what they all say.
What a filthy, disgusting, despicable…

1294
01:28:31,432 --> 01:28:35,144
There's no competition to the Painless
Pole, but it's pretty healthy, I think.

1295
01:28:35,228 --> 01:28:37,689
You know, Colonel,
we caught you with your pants down.

1296
01:28:37,772 --> 01:28:40,858
- The men that are fighting…
- The men are fighting on our frontline!

1297
01:28:42,652 --> 01:28:44,445
<i>Attention! Attention!</i>

1298
01:28:44,737 --> 01:28:48,408
<i>Colonel Blake has secured for us
the</i> Halls of Montezuma,

1299
01:28:48,908 --> 01:28:52,412
<i>so big only the biggest of the screen
can bring it to you all.</i>

1300
01:28:52,495 --> 01:28:56,791
<i>Technicolor's. "Tell it to the Marines,
those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs,</i>

1301
01:28:56,874 --> 01:28:58,876
<i>"who we now love more than ever.</i>

1302
01:28:58,960 --> 01:29:02,088
<i>"Tell them they're still
the greatest guys in the world."</i>

1303
01:29:02,171 --> 01:29:05,425
<i>Follow Lieutenant, Punchy,
Limey, Baby-Face, Doc,</i>

1304
01:29:05,508 --> 01:29:07,343
<i>the Poet, Pretty Boy and Slattery</i>

1305
01:29:07,427 --> 01:29:11,639
<i>through some of the most
interesting war films yet created.</i>

1306
01:29:13,850 --> 01:29:15,768
<i>Due to a possible camp infection,</i>

1307
01:29:15,852 --> 01:29:19,605
<i>Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill
is now off limits. That is all.</i>

1308
01:29:19,772 --> 01:29:23,818
- Could I have some longer needles?
- Get this sponge out of the way.

1309
01:29:27,113 --> 01:29:29,449
Cut down on the back, will you?
Hey, Dago.

1310
01:29:29,782 --> 01:29:34,620
- Hi. Did you have a nice time in Japan?
- Yeah, I screwed a kabuki dancer.

1311
01:29:37,248 --> 01:29:39,542
- Let me have the long-fingers.
- It's okay for a while.

1312
01:29:39,625 --> 01:29:42,336
- Yeah, but I can't stop this bleeding.
- Okay.

1313
01:29:42,420 --> 01:29:44,172
Keeping the blood internal.

1314
01:29:44,255 --> 01:29:47,300
- How's the intake, Painless?
- Normal.

1315
01:29:47,383 --> 01:29:48,551
Clamps down there.

1316
01:29:48,634 --> 01:29:52,930
- I'm here if you need me, Henry.
- I can't talk to you now, <i>padre.</i>

1317
01:29:53,014 --> 01:29:55,892
No, I mean, he's going to be all right,
isn't he?

1318
01:29:55,975 --> 01:29:58,561
- He's going to be fine.
- Good.

1319
01:29:58,644 --> 01:30:00,855
Does anybody else need help?

1320
01:30:02,607 --> 01:30:03,649
Ask around.

1321
01:30:09,113 --> 01:30:11,491
What's he got the flaps down for?

1322
01:30:15,703 --> 01:30:19,415
- Duke. Come on, Duke. Open up.
- What? No, I don't want any.

1323
01:30:19,499 --> 01:30:21,751
Hey, Duke. Come on. Open up, man.

1324
01:30:21,834 --> 01:30:23,336
Who is it?

1325
01:30:29,008 --> 01:30:30,368
What the hell you doing back here?

1326
01:30:30,426 --> 01:30:32,845
Come on. We've been working for hours.
Will you open up?

1327
01:30:32,929 --> 01:30:35,556
Wait a minute. I'll be right with you.

1328
01:30:45,483 --> 01:30:47,693
- Hi, Hot Lips.
- You miss us?

1329
01:30:51,280 --> 01:30:53,074
<i>- Shame, shame on you
- Shame, shame on you</i>

1330
01:30:56,035 --> 01:30:57,036
Well…

1331
01:31:01,374 --> 01:31:03,000
- Radar.
- Yes, sir.

1332
01:31:04,794 --> 01:31:06,462
Hold this, please.

1333
01:31:11,008 --> 01:31:12,008
Colonel Blake.

1334
01:31:12,051 --> 01:31:14,679
Henry? Yeah. Charlie here. Yeah.

1335
01:31:14,762 --> 01:31:16,556
I've got news for you.

1336
01:31:16,639 --> 01:31:19,433
You were so concerned
about the battle for Old Baldy.

1337
01:31:19,809 --> 01:31:23,729
<i>- Well, it's all over.</i>
- That's great news, General. Who won?

1338
01:31:24,188 --> 01:31:30,570
By the way, I have a report here, Henry,
from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan.

1339
01:31:31,112 --> 01:31:35,158
<i>She makes some accusations, Henry,
I find pretty hard to believe.</i>

1340
01:31:35,241 --> 01:31:38,119
Don't believe them, then.
Thank you, General. Goodbye.

1341
01:31:38,202 --> 01:31:39,453
Yeah… What?

1342
01:31:39,912 --> 01:31:42,582
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.

1343
01:31:44,876 --> 01:31:50,173
<i>Attention. Attention. Friday night's movie
will be</i> The Glory Brigade.

1344
01:31:50,256 --> 01:31:53,050
<i>Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got.</i>

1345
01:31:53,593 --> 01:31:58,306
<i>It's Uncle Sam's combat engineers
charging side by side with Greeks, Anzacs,</i>

1346
01:31:58,806 --> 01:32:02,852
<i>showing the world a new way to fight,
as they use bulldozers like bazookas,</i>

1347
01:32:02,935 --> 01:32:05,688
<i>bayonets like bazookas… Bullets.</i>

1348
01:32:06,063 --> 01:32:08,649
<i>Starring Victor Mature. That is all.</i>

1349
01:32:09,192 --> 01:32:10,776
I'll be with Colonel Blake.

1350
01:32:11,611 --> 01:32:14,071
Check this place out.
See what the nurses are like, huh?

1351
01:32:14,155 --> 01:32:15,615
Right, sir.

1352
01:32:17,033 --> 01:32:19,911
- 4077th Mobile Army Surgical…
- Yeah, yeah.

1353
01:32:19,994 --> 01:32:22,788
- Sir, do you know where…
- Yes, I know where he is.

1354
01:32:22,872 --> 01:32:24,332
All right.

1355
01:32:24,415 --> 01:32:25,750
All right.

1356
01:32:27,376 --> 01:32:29,420
- Thank you.
- Look, Charlie,

1357
01:32:29,962 --> 01:32:31,255
you can't blame Henry

1358
01:32:31,339 --> 01:32:34,550
because Hot Lips Houlihan
can't stand her name.

1359
01:32:34,967 --> 01:32:37,553
You know, she's just a lady, though.
What the hell?

1360
01:32:37,637 --> 01:32:39,639
Come on, for crying out loud.

1361
01:32:39,722 --> 01:32:42,225
She's regular army.
She's a fanatic about ritual.

1362
01:32:42,308 --> 01:32:44,936
She won't even let us play football.

1363
01:32:45,019 --> 01:32:48,105
- Football?
- Gentlemen. She's all lined up, Charlie.

1364
01:32:48,189 --> 01:32:51,275
Yeah. I didn't know
you had a football team.

1365
01:32:51,359 --> 01:32:53,861
It's pretty much in the planning stage.

1366
01:32:53,945 --> 01:32:56,239
No, no, we have a very fine football team.

1367
01:32:56,322 --> 01:33:00,952
Yeah? Well, we had a team
back with the 325th Evac last year.

1368
01:33:01,035 --> 01:33:04,789
- And what a team that was.
- Yeah. I coached the boys myself.

1369
01:33:05,915 --> 01:33:08,834
- He's the finest coach in the Far East.
- Yeah.

1370
01:33:08,918 --> 01:33:11,254
We're now trying to work out
a schedule of the outfits

1371
01:33:11,337 --> 01:33:12,964
that we're going to play this year.

1372
01:33:13,047 --> 01:33:17,426
Of course, we, you know, throw
a little money into a pot and make bets.

1373
01:33:17,843 --> 01:33:21,264
How much money
do you put into your pot?

1374
01:33:21,347 --> 01:33:24,850
- $5,000, $6,000.
- $5,000!

1375
01:33:25,393 --> 01:33:28,604
Look, you know, I don't think we're
in the sort of league that you're in.

1376
01:33:28,688 --> 01:33:32,400
Well, I'm sure we can find a date
when we can play your team.

1377
01:33:32,483 --> 01:33:36,612
- It can be arranged.
- Yeah. I think I'll talk this over with Henry.

1378
01:33:36,696 --> 01:33:38,698
Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink.

1379
01:33:38,781 --> 01:33:41,659
- Thank you.
- What the hell you…

1380
01:33:41,742 --> 01:33:45,079
Sir, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,

1381
01:33:45,162 --> 01:33:46,872
I've been proud to wear this uniform.

1382
01:33:46,956 --> 01:33:48,916
- What the hell is this?
- A helicopter.

1383
01:33:49,000 --> 01:33:52,295
Hawkeye, that man has five times
the manpower to draw on than we do.

1384
01:33:52,378 --> 01:33:55,506
Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right?

1385
01:33:55,589 --> 01:34:00,428
We get Henry to apply, make a specific
application for a neurosurgeon.

1386
01:34:00,511 --> 01:34:04,098
He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.

1387
01:34:04,181 --> 01:34:08,811
- Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones?
- He's… Who is Oliver Harmon Jones?

1388
01:34:08,894 --> 01:34:12,398
He is better known as Spearchucker Jones.

1389
01:34:13,524 --> 01:34:15,151
- He's a good ballplayer.
- Yes!

1390
01:34:15,234 --> 01:34:17,695
He's a negro boy,
played with the 49ers, didn't he?

1391
01:34:17,778 --> 01:34:18,964
- Sure.
- Yeah. Sure, I remember.

1392
01:34:18,988 --> 01:34:20,031
He's good. He's good.

1393
01:34:20,406 --> 01:34:22,658
Henry, if we had closer relations,

1394
01:34:22,742 --> 01:34:25,661
we wouldn't have
this misunderstanding, right?

1395
01:34:25,745 --> 01:34:30,124
Now, that's where a football game
would help between your outfit and mine.

1396
01:34:30,207 --> 01:34:31,226
- A football game?
- Yeah, yeah.

1397
01:34:31,250 --> 01:34:35,254
We put up a few bets,
$5,000 maybe, and have a little fun.

1398
01:34:35,671 --> 01:34:39,008
Special Services in Tokyo says
it's one of the best gimmicks we've got

1399
01:34:39,091 --> 01:34:41,677
to keep the American way of life
going here in Asia.

1400
01:34:41,761 --> 01:34:44,096
- Betting?
- No. Football.

1401
01:34:44,680 --> 01:34:46,349
But what about Major O'Houlihan?

1402
01:34:46,432 --> 01:34:49,101
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her.

1403
01:34:49,185 --> 01:34:50,579
- Gee, I don't know…
- It's a helicopter, General.

1404
01:34:50,603 --> 01:34:52,813
I know it's a helicopter.

1405
01:34:52,897 --> 01:34:54,899
You know what?
You guys have one problem.

1406
01:34:54,982 --> 01:34:56,418
I just wondered about the social problem,
you know.

1407
01:34:56,442 --> 01:35:00,446
I mean, he's the only Negro officer
in the whole camp, you know.

1408
01:35:00,946 --> 01:35:04,658
We got a problem, then
we'll stick him in here with us, baby boy.

1409
01:35:06,202 --> 01:35:09,455
- You're serious, ain't you? You'd do that.
- Sure, I'm serious. Yeah.

1410
01:35:10,623 --> 01:35:13,376
It's enough for me to have to put up
with you two Yankees,

1411
01:35:13,459 --> 01:35:15,628
but I'm, you know, that's…

1412
01:35:18,464 --> 01:35:22,259
Because of his wife, was that why?
Or was it a religious problem?

1413
01:35:22,343 --> 01:35:25,030
- It was a conditioning problem.
- Why do they call you Spearchucker?

1414
01:35:25,054 --> 01:35:27,181
I used to throw the javelin.

1415
01:35:33,813 --> 01:35:37,024
All right, men, we're not here
to sell lemonade. We're here to practice.

1416
01:35:37,108 --> 01:35:40,027
But first I'd like to
officially welcome Spearchucker.

1417
01:35:40,111 --> 01:35:42,297
- Is it all right to call you that?
- Call me whatever you want to.

1418
01:35:42,321 --> 01:35:44,841
Good. Well, I just want you to know
that we're all the same here

1419
01:35:44,865 --> 01:35:47,785
on the playing field, officers and men alike.

1420
01:35:47,868 --> 01:35:51,580
Now, we're going to begin
with the three basic principles.

1421
01:35:51,664 --> 01:35:54,708
Organization, discipline and teamwork.

1422
01:35:54,792 --> 01:35:55,835
- Now…
- Pardon me.

1423
01:35:55,918 --> 01:35:59,422
- Do you mind if we limber up first?
- That's a good idea. You organize that.

1424
01:36:02,049 --> 01:36:06,470
Move that line, hey! Hold that line, hey!

1425
01:36:06,554 --> 01:36:10,683
<i>All right, Seidman, keep on
pushing that… Whatever you call it.</i>

1426
01:36:10,766 --> 01:36:14,895
<i>That's good. All right, Hot Lips,
keep their arms and limbs moving there.</i>

1427
01:36:17,314 --> 01:36:21,402
<i>Radar, you're a coach.
You're not a corporal. You're a coach,</i>

1428
01:36:21,485 --> 01:36:23,154
<i>so keep them going through there.</i>

1429
01:36:23,571 --> 01:36:24,738
<i>Good, Hot Lips.</i>

1430
01:36:25,531 --> 01:36:27,616
<i>All right, Seidman, give them five.</i>

1431
01:36:27,700 --> 01:36:29,618
<i>All right, men, take five.</i>

1432
01:36:29,702 --> 01:36:31,287
Spearchucker.

1433
01:36:36,208 --> 01:36:38,210
Well, we look pretty lousy, don't we?

1434
01:36:38,294 --> 01:36:40,313
Well, for college players
that have been out of training

1435
01:36:40,337 --> 01:36:42,441
for seven or eight years,
yeah, you look pretty lousy.

1436
01:36:42,465 --> 01:36:44,633
Listen, I got an idea
how we can make some money.

1437
01:36:44,717 --> 01:36:46,278
We leave him out
of the first half of the game.

1438
01:36:46,302 --> 01:36:49,805
We bet half our money.
They roll up some points, okay?

1439
01:36:49,889 --> 01:36:52,475
Second half of the game, we stick him in.
We get odds from them.

1440
01:36:52,558 --> 01:36:54,768
We bet the other half of the money.
We clean up.

1441
01:36:54,852 --> 01:36:57,646
- That's very good thinking, Captain.
- Yeah. It sounds good to me.

1442
01:36:57,730 --> 01:37:01,150
And I had another idea.
I think we should have some plays.

1443
01:37:01,233 --> 01:37:04,069
You know, usually in football,
you have some organized plays.

1444
01:37:04,153 --> 01:37:07,573
- Well, if you don't mind, I took the liberty.
- You have.

1445
01:37:07,656 --> 01:37:10,326
- I drew up about seven or eight plays.
- These are good.

1446
01:37:10,409 --> 01:37:12,249
I think that's about all
this bunch can handle.

1447
01:37:12,328 --> 01:37:16,081
Very good. Yes. Very, very good.

1448
01:37:17,625 --> 01:37:18,792
What are these little arrows?

1449
01:37:56,622 --> 01:37:58,415
- Right into his hands.
- Right on!

1450
01:38:15,266 --> 01:38:18,060
- Well, it's only six points.
- Six points.

1451
01:38:25,818 --> 01:38:27,418
- Well, it's only one point.
- One point!

1452
01:38:27,486 --> 01:38:29,965
Who's that number one? That man
runs like a rabbit. We can't stop him.

1453
01:38:29,989 --> 01:38:32,050
Yeah. I remember him from the pros.
They call him Super Bug.

1454
01:38:32,074 --> 01:38:33,635
He had one year with the Rams
before the army got him.

1455
01:38:33,659 --> 01:38:36,763
- We can't do anything with him in there.
- Hey, listen. You got to come in now.

1456
01:38:36,787 --> 01:38:37,931
- We can't wait till the second half.
- No, no.

1457
01:38:37,955 --> 01:38:39,140
We got to stick to our strategy,

1458
01:38:39,164 --> 01:38:41,643
but the first thing you guys have to do
is get him out of the ballgame.

1459
01:38:41,667 --> 01:38:43,419
Hey, Davidson! Here.

1460
01:38:44,044 --> 01:38:48,132
Let's ease up just a little bit.
We don't want the score too lopsided.

1461
01:38:54,680 --> 01:38:56,181
He caught it!

1462
01:38:58,684 --> 01:39:00,603
- Get him!
- Get him!

1463
01:39:05,858 --> 01:39:07,192
- Go get him!
- Go get him!

1464
01:39:09,695 --> 01:39:10,821
Who's he giving it to?

1465
01:39:10,904 --> 01:39:14,742
- Isn't that Corporal Judson with the ball?
- Judson's a lineman. Judson can't run!

1466
01:39:14,825 --> 01:39:16,577
He's loose. He's loose.

1467
01:39:21,081 --> 01:39:24,293
For crying out loud, Judson,
what're you doing?

1468
01:39:24,376 --> 01:39:26,855
- Duke, you threw me that damn ball.
- Come on, let's get in a huddle.

1469
01:39:26,879 --> 01:39:28,631
What the hell?
You had the whole field open!

1470
01:39:28,714 --> 01:39:30,299
Why'd you go and fall down for?

1471
01:39:30,382 --> 01:39:32,217
I'm no goddamn runner. I'm a lineman.

1472
01:39:35,054 --> 01:39:37,431
We're going to really clean up today.

1473
01:39:37,514 --> 01:39:39,183
Hut one, hut two!

1474
01:39:49,360 --> 01:39:52,696
- It's only two points.
- Two points.

1475
01:39:52,780 --> 01:39:55,157
What the hell you think you are,
a cannon?

1476
01:39:55,240 --> 01:39:56,533
What kind of a snap was that?

1477
01:39:56,617 --> 01:39:59,620
We got a lot of money on this game.
This is embarrassing, man.

1478
01:39:59,703 --> 01:40:02,915
- Oh, go, we want some dough!
- Oh, go, we want some dough!

1479
01:40:08,379 --> 01:40:10,214
- Let's go!
- Let's go!

1480
01:40:12,049 --> 01:40:14,677
- What happens now?
- We get a free kick.

1481
01:40:14,760 --> 01:40:17,179
A free kick! Girls!

1482
01:40:17,262 --> 01:40:20,432
- Hit that ball! Kick that ball!
- Hit that ball! Kick that ball!

1483
01:40:46,792 --> 01:40:49,920
- Another six points.
- Another six points.

1484
01:40:53,549 --> 01:40:56,135
Look, look, he's hurt.

1485
01:40:56,218 --> 01:40:58,220
He's leaving the game!

1486
01:40:58,303 --> 01:41:02,057
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!

1487
01:41:02,141 --> 01:41:05,894
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!

1488
01:41:05,978 --> 01:41:08,313
What the hell's the matter with you?
Smith!

1489
01:41:08,397 --> 01:41:12,735
- Goddamn bastards pulled something.
- Hey, Coach, did I break my 9 in 400?

1490
01:41:12,818 --> 01:41:15,696
400! This is not a track meet.
This is a football game.

1491
01:41:15,779 --> 01:41:17,906
What the hell do you think I pay you for?

1492
01:41:17,990 --> 01:41:20,242
Get him up. Walk him around.
Do something.

1493
01:41:20,325 --> 01:41:25,164
- I think I'll run the 440.
- 440! This is a football game, God damn it!

1494
01:41:32,045 --> 01:41:34,673
All right, you guys,
get in there and kill them!

1495
01:41:46,977 --> 01:41:49,097
All right, bub, your fucking head
is coming right off.

1496
01:41:59,823 --> 01:42:02,201
- I'm ready, Coach. Ready, Coach.
- Ready for what?

1497
01:42:02,284 --> 01:42:06,121
- I'm in the broad jump, Coach.
- Get him back on the bench. Broad jump!

1498
01:42:06,205 --> 01:42:09,458
- Still 16-0.
- 16-0.

1499
01:42:09,541 --> 01:42:12,920
Well, that's not bad. 16-0 in the first half.

1500
01:42:13,003 --> 01:42:15,398
I guess I have to give them
the old Knute Rockne at half-time.

1501
01:42:15,422 --> 01:42:17,466
- About time for the gun.
- Right.

1502
01:42:22,054 --> 01:42:23,948
Hurts like a mother,
but how are we gonna score…

1503
01:42:23,972 --> 01:42:28,268
Men, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,

1504
01:42:28,352 --> 01:42:30,622
- I've been proud to wear this uniform.
- Boone, you got a towel?

1505
01:42:30,646 --> 01:42:33,124
- Henry, have you pressed the bets yet?
- Today we are wearing…

1506
01:42:33,148 --> 01:42:34,828
Henry, have you pressed
the bets yet, babe?

1507
01:42:34,900 --> 01:42:36,900
- The bets, the bets!
- Henry, press the bets, man.

1508
01:42:37,069 --> 01:42:38,612
Finish, finish the half-time speech.

1509
01:42:39,613 --> 01:42:42,783
Hit them with a mortar!
Kick them off the hill!

1510
01:42:42,866 --> 01:42:46,226
- Mash them! Smash them! Kill! Kill! Kill!
- Mash them! Smash them! Kill! Kill! Kill!

1511
01:42:46,286 --> 01:42:50,082
Hot Lips! There's a time
and a place for everything, damn it!

1512
01:42:51,208 --> 01:42:53,836
- Right. Bo-bo.
- Bo! Bo!

1513
01:42:53,919 --> 01:42:56,296
Come on, Smitty. Come on, boy.

1514
01:42:58,549 --> 01:43:00,235
- What's the matter with him?
- What's the matter with him?

1515
01:43:00,259 --> 01:43:03,262
Hell, you ought to know.
You guys pulled something out there.

1516
01:43:03,345 --> 01:43:05,185
Well, I guess you don't
want to double the bet.

1517
01:43:05,264 --> 01:43:06,807
The hell I don't.

1518
01:43:06,890 --> 01:43:09,560
We were beating you without him,
and we'll go on beating you.

1519
01:43:09,643 --> 01:43:11,246
Are you prepared
to back that up with odds?

1520
01:43:11,270 --> 01:43:14,064
Damn right. Three to one. Double the bet.

1521
01:43:27,452 --> 01:43:29,371
Who's that 24? Who is he?

1522
01:43:32,291 --> 01:43:34,042
Stop him! Stop him!

1523
01:43:35,127 --> 01:43:39,798
Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy?
He wasn't in the game in the first half.

1524
01:43:39,882 --> 01:43:41,300
Stop him!

1525
01:43:51,393 --> 01:43:53,896
- That's Spearchucker Jones.
- Spearchucker who?

1526
01:43:53,979 --> 01:43:56,064
He played with San Francisco
before he got drafted.

1527
01:43:56,148 --> 01:43:58,108
Boy, he's going to be tough to stop, too.

1528
01:43:58,817 --> 01:44:00,903
Henry, you brought in a ringer, did you?

1529
01:44:00,986 --> 01:44:05,949
- Radar, what's the general trying to say?
- Didn't bring him in the first half, did you?

1530
01:44:06,033 --> 01:44:10,287
He's just been informed
as to the identity of our Spearchucker.

1531
01:44:10,370 --> 01:44:12,289
His ringer's spotted our ringer.

1532
01:44:12,372 --> 01:44:15,167
How do you like them apples, Charlie?

1533
01:44:15,250 --> 01:44:19,504
- You can't trust anybody.
- Now watch him make the extra point.

1534
01:44:25,677 --> 01:44:26,970
Isn't that illegal?

1535
01:45:12,391 --> 01:45:16,979
What kind of team is it?
They're falling all around like dead flies!

1536
01:45:26,029 --> 01:45:30,701
- Look! A red flag! We've got a red flag!
- Hot Lips!

1537
01:45:32,911 --> 01:45:34,431
It's a penalty, you blithering idiots.

1538
01:45:42,129 --> 01:45:46,341
Judson, get off of him.
You'll be thrown out of the game.

1539
01:45:46,425 --> 01:45:48,468
Judson, kill him!

1540
01:45:55,350 --> 01:45:59,187
What's wrong with you, huh?
We're here to play football, not fight!

1541
01:46:02,065 --> 01:46:05,819
- Bastard 88 called me a coon.
- Called you a what?

1542
01:46:07,112 --> 01:46:08,363
Coon.

1543
01:46:09,364 --> 01:46:12,659
Okay, that's an old pro trick
to get you thrown out of the ballgame.

1544
01:46:13,243 --> 01:46:15,203
Why don't you do the same thing to him?

1545
01:46:15,287 --> 01:46:16,872
What, call him a coon?

1546
01:46:16,955 --> 01:46:19,166
No, no, the boys in camp
used to talk about his sister.

1547
01:46:19,249 --> 01:46:21,334
Her name was Gladys. Use it!

1548
01:46:23,170 --> 01:46:25,380
- Yeah.
- All right, all right.

1549
01:46:43,982 --> 01:46:46,651
What the hell are you doing,
for God's sake?

1550
01:46:47,402 --> 01:46:48,820
What's the matter here?

1551
01:46:49,696 --> 01:46:51,114
They're taking him out.

1552
01:46:58,705 --> 01:47:03,668
- 69 is divine! 69 is divine!
- 69 is divine! 69 is divine!

1553
01:47:03,752 --> 01:47:08,465
There you go, Charlie.
Another side of beef for your butcher shop.

1554
01:47:08,548 --> 01:47:12,385
Let's get the ball and really go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

1555
01:47:12,469 --> 01:47:15,597
- Who's the brunette? She a new one?
- Yeah, I just had her shipped in.

1556
01:47:15,680 --> 01:47:18,850
Yeah. Not bad.
Kill them! Kill them, God damn it!

1557
01:47:23,438 --> 01:47:25,774
My God! They've shot him!

1558
01:47:25,857 --> 01:47:29,653
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop.
It's the end of the quarter.

1559
01:47:29,736 --> 01:47:33,406
What did I make you a major for?
For a team like that?

1560
01:47:33,490 --> 01:47:34,717
I did the best I could, Charlie.

1561
01:47:34,741 --> 01:47:36,260
I didn't know
they were going to bring in a ringer.

1562
01:47:36,284 --> 01:47:37,637
I ought to put you in there
and let them kill you,

1563
01:47:37,661 --> 01:47:38,703
is what I ought to do.

1564
01:47:38,787 --> 01:47:40,389
What about my knee, Charlie?
Remember my knee.

1565
01:47:40,413 --> 01:47:44,084
You better get on your goddamn knee
and start praying. Trick knee, my ass.

1566
01:48:16,366 --> 01:48:17,826
My God!

1567
01:48:28,253 --> 01:48:29,921
- How's that?
- Did you see that?

1568
01:48:30,005 --> 01:48:33,216
Get the hell back there. Get back there.

1569
01:48:57,032 --> 01:49:00,493
Well, looks like we may make it.
Seconds to go.

1570
01:49:00,577 --> 01:49:02,746
Okay, fellas,
we don't have very much time left.

1571
01:49:02,829 --> 01:49:04,015
Now, I just checked with the ref.

1572
01:49:04,039 --> 01:49:06,875
I got a special play I want to run with,
a center eligible play.

1573
01:49:06,958 --> 01:49:10,378
We line up with everybody to the right
of the center except Hawkeye,

1574
01:49:10,462 --> 01:49:13,381
who drops back one yard
just before the snap of the ball.

1575
01:49:13,465 --> 01:49:14,942
Now, that makes you the semi-eligible,

1576
01:49:14,966 --> 01:49:18,553
but all you have to do is take the ball
right back from Trapper between your legs

1577
01:49:18,637 --> 01:49:23,558
and hide it under your belly
and walk toward their goal. All right?

1578
01:49:23,642 --> 01:49:24,768
Trapper.

1579
01:49:26,186 --> 01:49:27,187
We got it.

1580
01:49:27,312 --> 01:49:30,899
All right. This is only one time. $5,000.

1581
01:49:30,982 --> 01:49:32,734
- Worth a try.
- It'd be a miracle.

1582
01:49:32,817 --> 01:49:33,818
I'm short one.

1583
01:49:33,902 --> 01:49:35,671
- What do you say? What do you say?
- Let's do it now!

1584
01:49:35,695 --> 01:49:36,821
Ready, Hawk?

1585
01:49:36,905 --> 01:49:37,906
Ready!

1586
01:49:39,616 --> 01:49:40,659
Set!

1587
01:49:53,713 --> 01:49:56,424
- What are you doing? Get back!
- I got the ball!

1588
01:49:56,508 --> 01:49:57,717
Run with it!

1589
01:51:28,141 --> 01:51:30,185
- Two dollars.
- Two dollars.

1590
01:51:34,105 --> 01:51:35,607
Four dollars.

1591
01:51:36,608 --> 01:51:38,818
Out. I fold.

1592
01:51:39,069 --> 01:51:41,696
Raise you two more. You raise his two?

1593
01:51:43,531 --> 01:51:44,949
Raise you another two.

1594
01:51:46,034 --> 01:51:49,037
- I have an Oklahoma.
- Oh, God!

1595
01:51:52,457 --> 01:51:54,268
- What is that?
- Oklahoma. It's a pair of eights,

1596
01:51:54,292 --> 01:51:56,628
- a ten of spades, a deuce, and a five.
- You win!

1597
01:51:56,711 --> 01:51:58,546
What are you talking about?
What do you have?

1598
01:51:58,630 --> 01:51:59,798
<i>Tokyo.</i>

1599
01:52:00,298 --> 01:52:03,635
<i>The United States Armed Forces
Radio is on the air.</i>

1600
01:52:37,168 --> 01:52:39,170
Duke? You busy?

1601
01:52:41,256 --> 01:52:45,009
- What is it?
- Henry's got our orders. We can go home.

1602
01:52:57,564 --> 01:52:58,731
Right now?

1603
01:52:59,274 --> 01:53:01,693
Any time. Whenever we want.

1604
01:53:01,776 --> 01:53:04,362
Do you mind
if we get out of this guy's brain first?

1605
01:53:09,200 --> 01:53:12,829
Can't you sew this thing up?
You got that vessel under control.

1606
01:53:14,706 --> 01:53:15,707
Haven't you?

1607
01:53:16,708 --> 01:53:19,669
I want to make sure the oozing
is completely checked before I close up.

1608
01:53:19,752 --> 01:53:21,212
Damn perfectionist.

1609
01:53:23,465 --> 01:53:25,049
Yeah, well, I'm…

1610
01:53:27,135 --> 01:53:28,136
I'll see you.

1611
01:53:32,724 --> 01:53:33,808
Five goddamn months,

1612
01:53:33,892 --> 01:53:37,562
and they don't even give a guy
time off for good behavior.

1613
01:53:37,645 --> 01:53:40,607
Hey, hey, man, see you around.

1614
01:53:40,690 --> 01:53:42,192
It's possible.

1615
01:53:43,026 --> 01:53:44,652
Take care of the squirrels.

1616
01:53:51,034 --> 01:53:52,660
So long, Pup-Pup.

1617
01:53:55,747 --> 01:53:57,027
Will you go, for Christ's sakes?

1618
01:53:57,081 --> 01:54:00,001
Will you go before they change their mind?
Get out of here!

1619
01:54:00,084 --> 01:54:02,962
"O Lord God,
listen favorably to our prayers

1620
01:54:03,046 --> 01:54:06,132
"and with your right hand bless this jeep.

1621
01:54:06,216 --> 01:54:08,593
"Send your holy angels
so that all who ride in it

1622
01:54:08,676 --> 01:54:11,262
"may be delivered and guarded
from every danger.

1623
01:54:11,346 --> 01:54:12,972
"And as you granted faith and grace

1624
01:54:13,056 --> 01:54:15,808
"by your deacon Philip
to the man from Ethiopia,

1625
01:54:15,892 --> 01:54:19,145
"who was sitting in his chariot
and reading holy scripture,

1626
01:54:19,229 --> 01:54:21,814
"show the way of salvation
to your servants,

1627
01:54:21,898 --> 01:54:25,527
"so that helped by your grace
and always intent on doing good works,

1628
01:54:25,610 --> 01:54:29,531
"they may, after all the trials
of their pilgrimage and life on earth,

1629
01:54:29,614 --> 01:54:33,952
"attain to everlasting joys
through Christ, our Lord. Amen."

1630
01:54:35,537 --> 01:54:37,598
Captain Pierce,
your driver will be here in just a minute.

1631
01:54:37,622 --> 01:54:39,749
- Yes, sir.
- Have a good trip, sir.

1632
01:54:39,832 --> 01:54:41,251
Now, let's go, driver.

1633
01:54:43,211 --> 01:54:47,090
<i>Attention.
Tonight's movie has been</i> MASH.

1634
01:54:47,173 --> 01:54:49,759
<i>Follow the zany antics
of our combat surgeons</i>

1635
01:54:49,842 --> 01:54:54,347
<i>as they cut and stitch their way
along the frontlines.</i>

1636
01:54:54,430 --> 01:54:56,474
<i>Operating as bombs…</i>

1637
01:54:57,392 --> 01:55:00,770
<i>Operating as bombs and bullets
burst around them,</i>

1638
01:55:00,853 --> 01:55:04,816
<i>snatching laughs and love
between amputations and penicillin.</i>

1639
01:55:04,899 --> 01:55:06,901
Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?

1640
01:55:08,236 --> 01:55:11,281
- No, sir. That's the one he came in.
- Very good. Come along, my dear.

1641
01:55:11,864 --> 01:55:15,368
<i>Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red,</i>

1642
01:55:15,451 --> 01:55:20,081
<i>Painless, Radar, Hot Lips,
Dish and Staff Sergeant Vollmer</i>

1643
01:55:20,164 --> 01:55:22,417
<i>as they put our boys back together again.</i>

1644
01:55:22,500 --> 01:55:25,253
<i>Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould,</i>

1645
01:55:25,336 --> 01:55:28,339
<i>Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman,
Robert Duvall,</i>

1646
01:55:28,423 --> 01:55:32,468
<i>Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois,
Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin,</i>

1647
01:55:32,552 --> 01:55:34,637
<i>John Schuck, Fred Williamson,
Indus Arthur,</i>

1648
01:55:34,721 --> 01:55:36,973
<i>Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort,</i>

1649
01:55:37,056 --> 01:55:41,227
<i>Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara
Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman,</i>

1650
01:55:41,311 --> 01:55:44,480
<i>Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy,
G. Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.</i>

1651
01:55:44,564 --> 01:55:47,191
- Goddamn army.
<i>- That is all.</i>