1 00:01:26,505 --> 00:01:30,101 Can you believe that? A musical version of "Sweet Bird of Youth." 2 00:01:30,176 --> 00:01:33,373 - Who are they kidding? - Thank God, you wanted to leave. 3 00:01:33,446 --> 00:01:37,177 Can you believe Madeline Ashton? Talk about waking the dead. 4 00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:39,775 I gotta get a drink. 5 00:01:51,832 --> 00:01:55,962 ♪ What do I see ♪ 6 00:01:56,037 --> 00:02:01,532 ♪ That's the question I'm most afraid of ♪ 7 00:02:01,609 --> 00:02:11,110 ♪ One that asks me what I'm really made of ♪ 8 00:02:13,255 --> 00:02:17,123 ♪ What do I see ♪ 9 00:02:17,192 --> 00:02:23,461 ♪ Much more than a reflection ♪ 10 00:02:23,532 --> 00:02:31,372 ♪ A romance with sheer perfection ♪ 11 00:02:33,209 --> 00:02:36,645 ♪ I see me I see me ♪ 12 00:02:36,712 --> 00:02:40,375 ♪ Actress, woman star and lover ♪ 13 00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:44,944 ♪ Sister, sweetheart slave and mother ♪ 14 00:02:45,021 --> 00:02:46,716 ♪ I see me ♪ 15 00:02:46,789 --> 00:02:48,757 ♪ And I like what I see ♪ 16 00:02:48,825 --> 00:02:52,421 ♪ Virgin, temptress dream of others ♪ 17 00:02:52,496 --> 00:02:54,896 ♪ Yes, it's me ♪ 18 00:02:54,965 --> 00:02:58,867 ♪ Yes, it's me ♪ 19 00:03:05,175 --> 00:03:08,542 - ♪ We see you ♪ - ♪ You mean me ♪ 20 00:03:08,612 --> 00:03:12,208 ♪ Idol, goddess shameless hussy ♪ 21 00:03:12,283 --> 00:03:16,743 ♪ Diva, princess lewd and lusty ♪ 22 00:03:20,625 --> 00:03:24,152 ♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪ 23 00:03:24,229 --> 00:03:27,790 ♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪ 24 00:03:59,466 --> 00:04:02,526 She's sensational. 25 00:04:07,741 --> 00:04:11,234 ♪ That's not me Can't be me ♪ 26 00:04:11,312 --> 00:04:14,770 - ♪ Angel devil ♪ - ♪ You can trust me ♪ 27 00:04:14,849 --> 00:04:17,613 ♪ Mon ami ♪ 28 00:04:17,685 --> 00:04:19,915 ♪ I see ♪ 29 00:04:25,126 --> 00:04:27,060 ♪ Whoo-whoo ♪ 30 00:04:29,564 --> 00:04:33,592 ♪ Everywhere I look, baby all I see is ♪ 31 00:04:33,669 --> 00:04:35,534 - ♪ A contradiction ♪ - ♪ Oh, come on ♪ 32 00:04:35,604 --> 00:04:37,299 - ♪ A bad addiction ♪ - ♪ Knock it off ♪ 33 00:04:37,372 --> 00:04:41,103 - ♪ Inspiration to a generation ♪ - ♪ Now you're talkin' ♪ 34 00:04:41,176 --> 00:04:43,701 ♪ That's you ♪ 35 00:04:43,779 --> 00:04:50,310 ♪ That's me ♪♪ 36 00:04:53,556 --> 00:04:55,581 Wow! 37 00:04:55,658 --> 00:04:58,388 Oh, boy! 38 00:04:58,461 --> 00:05:00,929 Whoo! 39 00:05:00,997 --> 00:05:03,261 Whoo! 40 00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:08,834 Wrinkled, wrinkled little star, 41 00:05:08,905 --> 00:05:12,637 hope they never see the scars. 42 00:05:18,415 --> 00:05:21,009 Your guests are here, Miss Ashton. 43 00:05:21,085 --> 00:05:23,781 A Miss Helen Sharp with a gentleman. 44 00:05:23,854 --> 00:05:27,153 - Ahh. How's she look? - Who? 45 00:05:27,224 --> 00:05:29,624 Helen, you idiot. 46 00:05:29,693 --> 00:05:32,390 I don't know. Smart, I guess, sort of classy. 47 00:05:32,464 --> 00:05:35,262 Classy? Really? Compared to whom? 48 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:39,565 Oh, shit. 49 00:05:56,555 --> 00:05:58,182 Mad! 50 00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:00,817 Hel! 51 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:06,331 - I don't believe it. - How are you? 52 00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:08,458 - It's been so long. - I know. 53 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:11,470 Don't you dare say how long. 54 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,666 Mad, I'd like you to meet... 55 00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:16,709 Dr. Ernest Menville, my fiance. 56 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,507 You were just wonderful. 57 00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:22,377 Ernest Menville? Dr. Ernest Menville, the plastic surgeon? 58 00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:26,715 - Yes. You were so terrific! - Ernest is quite a fan. 59 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,551 - I've read all about you. - That dance number. Boy, oh, boy. 60 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:33,116 - I can't believe I'm meeting you. - He never mentioned a Madeline thing. 61 00:06:33,194 --> 00:06:38,222 - We're both huge fans. - I'm sure he doesn't have a... thing. 62 00:06:38,299 --> 00:06:41,359 Do you? 63 00:06:41,436 --> 00:06:46,965 Well, I'm so happy for you... both. 64 00:06:47,041 --> 00:06:51,035 What ever happened to that, um, writing thing? 65 00:06:51,113 --> 00:06:55,174 - Oh, well, um, I'm still trying. - Helen, don't be modest. 66 00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:59,710 - She's a brilliant writer, Mrs. Ashton. - Miss. 67 00:06:59,788 --> 00:07:02,154 Tell me, Doctor, 68 00:07:02,224 --> 00:07:05,682 do you think that I'm starting to need you? 69 00:07:06,962 --> 00:07:08,327 Ahem. 70 00:07:08,397 --> 00:07:10,889 So... 71 00:07:12,469 --> 00:07:14,437 have you two set a date? 72 00:07:14,504 --> 00:07:16,870 - Yes... we have. - No, actually-- 73 00:07:18,408 --> 00:07:22,310 We see the upper eyelid skin incision... 74 00:07:22,379 --> 00:07:25,815 from the medial canthus to the lateral orbital margin. 75 00:07:25,882 --> 00:07:28,976 There are two fat compartments in the upper eyelid, three in the lower. 76 00:07:29,052 --> 00:07:31,715 Oops. Look at all this bleeding. 77 00:07:31,789 --> 00:07:36,089 Needle-tip cautery. Quickly, please. 78 00:07:41,599 --> 00:07:45,000 For heaven's sake, Helen, it was a dinner. 79 00:07:45,069 --> 00:07:47,765 The woman wanted my professional opinion. 80 00:07:47,838 --> 00:07:51,070 Ernest, you don't know Madeline the way I do. 81 00:07:51,143 --> 00:07:54,840 She wants you. She wants you because you're mine. 82 00:07:54,913 --> 00:07:57,347 I've lost men to her before. 83 00:07:57,416 --> 00:08:01,443 She just turns on that flash and that glitter and they're gone. 84 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,580 That's why I wanted you to meet her before we got married. 85 00:08:04,656 --> 00:08:09,457 I just had to see if you could pass the Madeline Ashton test. 86 00:08:09,528 --> 00:08:13,124 Please... Please, don't fail. 87 00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:17,192 I couldn't take it again. 88 00:08:17,270 --> 00:08:19,864 I don't know what I'd do. 89 00:08:19,939 --> 00:08:24,171 Do you know how silly you're sounding? 90 00:08:25,478 --> 00:08:27,537 Oh, darling, 91 00:08:27,613 --> 00:08:32,176 I have absolutely no interest in Madeline Ashton. 92 00:09:52,035 --> 00:09:55,562 Mrs. Helen Sharp? It's your landlord. Open the door, please. 93 00:09:55,639 --> 00:09:58,574 I know you're in there! 94 00:09:58,642 --> 00:10:01,475 I have your final eviction notice. 95 00:10:01,545 --> 00:10:03,604 If you don't come out, 96 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,980 - I'm going to break the door. - What are you doing here? 97 00:10:08,051 --> 00:10:11,419 I have the police. If you don't open, we're going to break the door. 98 00:10:11,489 --> 00:10:16,392 - Well, speak! - I'm going to charge you for it too. 99 00:10:16,461 --> 00:10:21,228 - Lady, let's go. - You heard what he said. 100 00:10:25,536 --> 00:10:30,030 You're in trouble. 101 00:10:30,109 --> 00:10:34,375 Come on. Open it! 102 00:10:48,494 --> 00:10:52,659 Lady, listen. You have the right to remain silent. 103 00:10:52,732 --> 00:10:55,166 If you give up the right to remain silent-- 104 00:10:55,235 --> 00:10:58,329 Are you nuts? 105 00:10:58,405 --> 00:11:00,737 Come on. Get her outta here! 106 00:11:00,807 --> 00:11:02,968 So... 107 00:11:06,046 --> 00:11:08,139 What about you, Helen? 108 00:11:08,214 --> 00:11:12,083 We haven't heard from you in a while. 109 00:11:12,153 --> 00:11:15,316 Is there anything... 110 00:11:15,389 --> 00:11:19,325 you'd like to... talk about... with the group? 111 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,068 Yes. 112 00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:36,274 I would like to talk about... 113 00:11:36,344 --> 00:11:39,609 Madeline... 114 00:11:39,681 --> 00:11:41,046 Ashton. 115 00:11:41,116 --> 00:11:43,346 Stop! Stop it! Stop! 116 00:11:43,418 --> 00:11:46,216 No! No! 117 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:54,327 Is this where we are, Helen? 118 00:11:54,397 --> 00:11:57,764 Six months of therapy. You're not one pound lighter. 119 00:11:57,834 --> 00:12:00,735 And we are still talking about Madeline Ashton! 120 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:04,569 - You think I enjoy talking about her? - Do you think I enjoy it? 121 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,632 Is that what you think? You better think again! 122 00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:12,375 Oh, Helen, for you to have a life, 123 00:12:12,449 --> 00:12:15,850 for any of us to have a life, 124 00:12:15,919 --> 00:12:18,012 you have got to forget about her. 125 00:12:18,088 --> 00:12:20,488 You have to erase her from your mind. 126 00:12:20,557 --> 00:12:24,254 - You have to completely eliminate any-- - What? 127 00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:27,354 You have to completely eliminate-- 128 00:12:27,431 --> 00:12:29,922 You're right. 129 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,366 What? 130 00:12:31,436 --> 00:12:35,236 You're absolutely right. 131 00:12:53,492 --> 00:12:55,426 Yes? 132 00:12:55,494 --> 00:12:59,396 I have a delivery for Madeline Ashton and Dr. Ernest Menville. 133 00:13:34,535 --> 00:13:36,901 Good morning, madam. 134 00:13:36,971 --> 00:13:40,873 You look absolutely marvelous. 135 00:13:40,942 --> 00:13:43,342 Hey, wait a minute. 136 00:13:44,512 --> 00:13:46,946 Aren't you forgetting something? 137 00:13:47,014 --> 00:13:50,109 - It's only Thursday. I'm supposed to-- - Never mind. 138 00:13:50,185 --> 00:13:53,245 I think I need you to say it every morning. 139 00:13:53,322 --> 00:13:55,483 Very well. 140 00:13:55,557 --> 00:13:58,117 Oh, madam, you look younger every day. 141 00:13:58,193 --> 00:14:01,890 Thank you, Rose. Thank you very much. 142 00:14:01,964 --> 00:14:04,091 It's so sweet-- What is this? 143 00:14:04,166 --> 00:14:08,500 Your tickets for Helen Sharp's book party. 144 00:14:08,570 --> 00:14:11,369 They just came. 145 00:14:11,441 --> 00:14:14,740 Helen Sharp's book party! 146 00:14:14,811 --> 00:14:17,780 - "Forever Young"? - I like that title. 147 00:14:20,516 --> 00:14:24,213 Oh, forever young! Right. 148 00:14:24,287 --> 00:14:27,313 And eternally fat! 149 00:14:27,390 --> 00:14:32,055 Oh, clever little witch. She sent seating assignments. 150 00:14:33,430 --> 00:14:35,898 I find it very hard to believe... 151 00:14:35,966 --> 00:14:39,834 that he got up early and made his side of the bed. 152 00:14:39,904 --> 00:14:44,238 - No, madam. - So where did he sleep? 153 00:14:44,308 --> 00:14:46,401 Again? 154 00:14:48,779 --> 00:14:52,739 The beaver has always been of interest to man. 155 00:14:54,886 --> 00:14:58,117 It is the second largest rodent in the world. 156 00:15:04,763 --> 00:15:07,493 Dr. Menville? 157 00:15:07,565 --> 00:15:11,900 Dr. Menville? 158 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,204 Is this an angel I see before me? 159 00:15:17,276 --> 00:15:21,872 - Dr. Menville, you're so cute. - Thank you, Rose. 160 00:15:27,219 --> 00:15:30,712 Oh! 161 00:15:30,791 --> 00:15:34,352 More vodka. 162 00:15:34,428 --> 00:15:36,828 An outstanding characteristic of a beaver... 163 00:15:36,897 --> 00:15:41,925 is the large, flat tail. 164 00:15:47,975 --> 00:15:51,036 - Is it up yet? - Yes, sir. 165 00:15:51,112 --> 00:15:53,910 It's in the bath. 166 00:15:53,982 --> 00:15:58,578 Your beeper was beeping. It's Mr. Franklin again. 167 00:16:09,397 --> 00:16:11,992 Rose! Oh, it's you. 168 00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:14,763 Fine, dear, thank you. Like a rock. 169 00:16:14,837 --> 00:16:16,964 You're dressed. Special occasion? 170 00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:18,973 - Work. - Ghoul! 171 00:16:19,041 --> 00:16:22,033 Dr. Menville, thank God. 172 00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:25,774 - I'm sorry to call at the last minute. - Yes. 173 00:16:25,848 --> 00:16:30,309 He's completely prepped. Our top staff have been summoned and are waiting. 174 00:16:30,387 --> 00:16:32,821 Good, I'm sure he'll be fine. Just calm down. 175 00:16:32,889 --> 00:16:36,222 Calm? I am calm. Everyone is calm here. 176 00:16:36,292 --> 00:16:38,817 - Who is it? - Fernando Rivas, the actor. 177 00:16:38,895 --> 00:16:43,127 He drowned in his hot tub. Very bloated, very swollen. 178 00:16:43,199 --> 00:16:46,327 He was making love to his new fiancee. 179 00:16:46,403 --> 00:16:49,531 Eighteen years old, from Cuba. 180 00:16:49,606 --> 00:16:52,371 He's got this expression of happiness that is completely inappropriate. 181 00:16:52,443 --> 00:16:56,675 Thank you, Mr. Franklin, we'll see if we can't give him a little character, 182 00:16:56,747 --> 00:16:59,409 - a little depth. - Depth? 183 00:16:59,483 --> 00:17:04,011 Oh, no, Dr. Menville, you can't give him any character or depth. 184 00:17:04,088 --> 00:17:07,148 People have to recognize him. 185 00:17:07,224 --> 00:17:11,093 - Good afternoon, Miss Ashton. - 3:00 with Anna. 186 00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:13,222 Yes, I know. You may go down. 187 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:23,474 Miss Ashton, how are you? So good to see you! 188 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:27,603 Listen, I've got a really important party tonight. 189 00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:30,945 Really important. You understand? 190 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:34,612 You will be the best one! 191 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,315 I have to be better than that. 192 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,517 I am sorry, but the plasma separation... 193 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,220 is a very traumatic process to the body! 194 00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:44,786 Our policy clearly prohibits... 195 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:47,833 more than one in a six-month period. 196 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,426 So? It's been nearly that long already. 197 00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:54,964 Miss Ashton, you had one three weeks ago. 198 00:17:55,042 --> 00:17:58,603 - How about a nice collagen buff? - "A collagen buff"? 199 00:17:58,679 --> 00:18:01,910 You might as well ask me to wash with soap and water! 200 00:18:03,884 --> 00:18:06,785 Tonight is very important to me. 201 00:18:06,854 --> 00:18:10,723 - I could do your makeup myself. - Makeup is pointless! 202 00:18:10,792 --> 00:18:13,488 It does nothing anymore. 203 00:18:13,561 --> 00:18:15,825 Are you listening to me? Do you even care? 204 00:18:15,897 --> 00:18:19,196 You stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks... 205 00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:22,134 and laugh at me. 206 00:18:28,776 --> 00:18:31,007 Mmm. 207 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:35,414 I could pay you extra. 208 00:18:35,484 --> 00:18:39,181 Something... on a personal basis. 209 00:18:39,255 --> 00:18:42,088 You know what I mean? How about that? 210 00:18:42,158 --> 00:18:45,127 Money is no object. It means nothing to me. 211 00:18:45,194 --> 00:18:47,628 Ahem. 212 00:18:47,696 --> 00:18:51,428 I'm sorry, Mr. Chagall. I'm really, really sorry. 213 00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:54,334 Anna, don't talk, just go away. 214 00:18:54,404 --> 00:18:56,838 Leave us alone, mmm? 215 00:18:56,907 --> 00:19:00,035 - I don't want to look at you anymore. - Oh, okay. 216 00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:02,237 Thank you so much. 217 00:19:04,147 --> 00:19:06,775 Please. 218 00:19:08,485 --> 00:19:11,353 - I suppose I should apologize. - Oh, no, no. 219 00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:16,086 I am very sensitive to your torment. 220 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,459 - Excuse me? - But unfortunately we are mere mortals. 221 00:19:19,530 --> 00:19:24,900 We are restricted by the... laws of nature. 222 00:19:24,969 --> 00:19:27,995 Well, what more could one expect? 223 00:19:28,072 --> 00:19:30,974 Mmm, mmm, that depends. 224 00:19:31,043 --> 00:19:36,481 I could not help but overhear your little joke about money being no object. 225 00:19:36,548 --> 00:19:39,449 - That was no joke! - I see. 226 00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:44,186 I wonder, Miss Ashton, 227 00:19:44,256 --> 00:19:48,352 if perhaps you have ever heard of... 228 00:19:50,530 --> 00:19:52,498 Lisle Von Rhuman? 229 00:19:52,565 --> 00:19:55,125 Ah... no. 230 00:19:55,201 --> 00:19:58,136 No, of course you haven't. Very few have. 231 00:19:58,204 --> 00:20:00,331 Only a select group. 232 00:20:00,406 --> 00:20:03,307 She may be able to help you. 233 00:20:04,644 --> 00:20:08,205 Here is her address. 234 00:20:08,281 --> 00:20:10,682 She accepts callers day... and night. 235 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:12,184 Eh... 236 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:16,553 It is a very, very select group, you understand? 237 00:20:16,624 --> 00:20:19,058 Sure. 238 00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:25,330 I'm glad this happened, Miss Ashton. 239 00:20:25,399 --> 00:20:29,733 We shall be seeing more of you, I think. 240 00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:31,897 Yes, I think so. 241 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,681 Weirdo. 242 00:20:47,755 --> 00:20:50,782 Could you just not breathe? 243 00:21:00,702 --> 00:21:03,865 Jesus, what'd she do? Hire extras? 244 00:21:03,939 --> 00:21:05,907 Good evening. 245 00:21:08,610 --> 00:21:11,546 Evian, please. No ice. 246 00:21:12,782 --> 00:21:15,182 - Dr. Menville? - Yes. 247 00:21:15,251 --> 00:21:18,118 - Ernest Menville? - Yes. 248 00:21:18,187 --> 00:21:22,453 - Hi, I'm Vivian Adams. - Hi, h-h-have we met? 249 00:21:22,525 --> 00:21:24,959 Long ago. I never had a chance to thank you... 250 00:21:25,027 --> 00:21:30,227 for the spectacular job you did with my Aunt Esther. 251 00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:32,734 Oh, well, thank you very much. 252 00:21:32,803 --> 00:21:35,533 Her color, her tone. 253 00:21:35,606 --> 00:21:39,633 - You even brought out her cheekbones. - Well, that's my job. 254 00:21:39,710 --> 00:21:42,406 It was almost a shame to bury her. 255 00:21:42,479 --> 00:21:44,743 It's so sweet of you to say that. 256 00:21:44,815 --> 00:21:47,716 Can I ask you what your secret is? 257 00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:49,911 Spray paint. 258 00:21:51,289 --> 00:21:55,885 You see, you can't just use regular makeup on dead skin. 259 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,894 The pores are too dry. 260 00:21:57,962 --> 00:22:00,954 You've gotta use a palette and grind the stuff in. 261 00:22:01,032 --> 00:22:04,468 One day I'm in the hardware store and I think, "What about mannequin paint?" 262 00:22:04,536 --> 00:22:09,371 It's got its own chemical adhesive, comes in a variety of flesh-- 263 00:22:10,709 --> 00:22:13,371 Excuse me! 264 00:22:29,295 --> 00:22:31,491 Have you seen her yet? 265 00:22:31,565 --> 00:22:35,729 What a joke. She's not even here. 266 00:22:37,470 --> 00:22:41,600 - Oh, look over there. - Wh-- 267 00:22:41,675 --> 00:22:46,305 Oh, looks as though she's lost a few pounds! 268 00:22:52,019 --> 00:22:55,250 - We're leaving. - Nonsense. Let's go talk to her. 269 00:22:55,323 --> 00:22:59,487 No. I'll talk to her. 270 00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:05,558 I just want you to know that I am at your disposal. 271 00:23:05,633 --> 00:23:08,966 You can call me day or night. 272 00:23:09,036 --> 00:23:11,699 I did give you all my numbers? 273 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,451 Mad? 274 00:23:26,521 --> 00:23:29,354 Hel! 275 00:23:35,498 --> 00:23:38,990 I don't believe it! 276 00:23:39,068 --> 00:23:44,370 Helen, darling, 12 years! 12 long years! 277 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,807 And look at you, you have a... waist. 278 00:23:47,877 --> 00:23:51,041 Oh, you haven't changed. 279 00:23:51,115 --> 00:23:54,243 Gosh, I'm glad you came. I didn't know if you would. 280 00:23:54,318 --> 00:23:56,786 I spoke to my P.R. woman and she said, 281 00:23:56,854 --> 00:23:59,789 "Madeline Ashton goes to the opening of an envelope." 282 00:23:59,857 --> 00:24:02,621 Those people can be so cruel. 283 00:24:02,693 --> 00:24:05,992 I fired her. Well, I almost fired her. 284 00:24:06,063 --> 00:24:08,361 Well, that was sweet of you, dear. 285 00:24:08,432 --> 00:24:10,492 - Would you mind? - Not at all. 286 00:24:10,568 --> 00:24:15,198 - So, how's it been? - Heaven, it's absolute heaven. 287 00:24:15,273 --> 00:24:18,208 - Ernest is a dream. - I'm so happy for you both. 288 00:24:18,276 --> 00:24:21,143 I often thought to myself "I don't deserve this"... 289 00:24:21,212 --> 00:24:24,306 because it came at your expense. 290 00:24:24,382 --> 00:24:27,943 And that thought made me feel... terrible. 291 00:24:28,019 --> 00:24:31,285 Listen, that was a long time ago. 292 00:24:31,357 --> 00:24:35,623 You didn't steal him. He went to you. 293 00:24:35,695 --> 00:24:38,789 It wasn't you. It was him. 294 00:24:38,864 --> 00:24:41,765 I want you to know something. 295 00:24:41,834 --> 00:24:47,295 I have never ever blamed you. Never! 296 00:24:55,816 --> 00:25:00,150 - Do you believe how she looks? - How old is she? 297 00:25:00,220 --> 00:25:02,848 - Fifty. - Fifty? 298 00:25:02,923 --> 00:25:05,323 You've gotta be kidding. 299 00:25:05,392 --> 00:25:08,919 I wonder what her secret is. 300 00:25:31,053 --> 00:25:35,683 - Life has turned out as quite a party. - You used to hate parties. 301 00:25:35,758 --> 00:25:38,955 That was when I was old. You should see me now. 302 00:25:39,027 --> 00:25:42,428 I didn't know you were so unhappy. 303 00:25:46,268 --> 00:25:48,759 Never could lie to you. 304 00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:55,410 I know about the kind of... work you're doing now. 305 00:25:55,478 --> 00:25:57,639 It's not work. 306 00:25:57,714 --> 00:26:01,878 I would sell my soul to be able to operate again. 307 00:26:01,951 --> 00:26:06,445 - Oh, Helen, I've wasted my life. - No, Ernest. 308 00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:09,356 She's wasted you. 309 00:26:09,425 --> 00:26:12,418 She married a brilliant surgeon... 310 00:26:12,496 --> 00:26:15,294 and turned him into an undertaker. 311 00:26:15,366 --> 00:26:18,301 I want you to know something. 312 00:26:18,369 --> 00:26:21,998 I have never blamed you for leaving me. 313 00:26:22,072 --> 00:26:25,235 I always knew it was her. 314 00:26:25,309 --> 00:26:28,176 She's a woman. 315 00:26:28,245 --> 00:26:31,875 A woman, Ernest. 316 00:26:31,950 --> 00:26:34,248 From Newark, for God's sakes. 317 00:26:34,319 --> 00:26:39,655 I will never forgive her for what she's done to you. 318 00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:43,384 Never. 319 00:27:15,596 --> 00:27:17,962 Dakota! 320 00:27:18,031 --> 00:27:20,591 Oh! 321 00:27:20,667 --> 00:27:22,601 Oh! 322 00:27:25,005 --> 00:27:26,836 - What's wrong? - Nothing. 323 00:27:26,907 --> 00:27:28,966 I didn't know you were coming over. 324 00:27:29,042 --> 00:27:31,603 - Oh, my God, you're not alone. - Of course I am. 325 00:27:31,679 --> 00:27:34,477 - I'm completely alone. - Dakota? 326 00:27:34,549 --> 00:27:37,712 Actually, completely isn't quite what I meant. 327 00:27:37,785 --> 00:27:41,551 - How dare you make me feel cheap! - Madeline, I forgot. 328 00:27:41,623 --> 00:27:44,615 - She's here to-- She's here to fix-- - Who is she? 329 00:27:44,692 --> 00:27:47,559 - I'm trying to tell you-- - Who is the little piece of meat? 330 00:27:47,629 --> 00:27:50,895 She's a friend of, of, the guy who was here to-- 331 00:27:50,966 --> 00:27:54,902 - Jesus, at least lie quickly! - I am trying to. 332 00:27:54,970 --> 00:28:00,636 Look, you gotta believe me. This is perfectly innocent. 333 00:28:14,624 --> 00:28:16,592 Hey, hey, hey. 334 00:28:16,660 --> 00:28:18,992 I'm sick of this shit, you know that? 335 00:28:19,062 --> 00:28:21,724 - I am doing you a favor here. - Doing me a favor? 336 00:28:21,798 --> 00:28:25,097 - I gave you-- - Yeah, you gave, I gave. Big deal! 337 00:28:25,168 --> 00:28:27,864 Somebody told me we look ridiculous together. 338 00:28:27,938 --> 00:28:30,373 How do you think that makes me feel? 339 00:28:30,441 --> 00:28:32,773 You never think about my feelings. 340 00:28:32,843 --> 00:28:36,210 Go find someone your own age, Madeline! 341 00:29:42,249 --> 00:29:46,049 Madeline! I need to speak to Madeline at once! 342 00:29:47,187 --> 00:29:49,417 No. 343 00:29:52,494 --> 00:29:56,760 Madeline. I need to speak to Madeline at once! 344 00:29:56,831 --> 00:29:58,890 Yeah. 345 00:30:39,142 --> 00:30:41,667 Geez. 346 00:31:00,097 --> 00:31:03,726 - Good evening. I hope it's not too-- - Not at all, Miss Ashton. 347 00:31:03,801 --> 00:31:06,497 Miss Von Rhuman's expecting you. 348 00:31:06,571 --> 00:31:09,768 She is? 349 00:31:18,350 --> 00:31:21,012 Wait here, please. 350 00:31:47,313 --> 00:31:50,306 Follow me, please. 351 00:32:18,446 --> 00:32:21,506 Excuse me. 352 00:32:23,351 --> 00:32:26,081 I hoped you'd come. 353 00:32:26,154 --> 00:32:30,558 Make some room for my friend, for Christ's sake! 354 00:32:30,626 --> 00:32:35,256 But... 355 00:32:35,331 --> 00:32:37,856 keep your ass handy. 356 00:32:46,575 --> 00:32:51,980 May I say that I've always thought yours... 357 00:32:52,049 --> 00:32:57,009 to be one of the most beautiful faces... 358 00:32:57,087 --> 00:33:00,614 ever to grace the silver screen. 359 00:33:00,691 --> 00:33:01,953 Oh. 360 00:33:02,025 --> 00:33:04,220 And that husband of yours, 361 00:33:04,294 --> 00:33:08,355 I can only say that his reputation is unsurpassed. 362 00:33:08,432 --> 00:33:10,367 Oh. 363 00:33:10,435 --> 00:33:14,963 I just arrived in town. I follow the spring. 364 00:33:15,039 --> 00:33:17,439 I haven't seen an autumn or winter in years. 365 00:33:20,378 --> 00:33:22,938 We are creatures of the spring, you and I. 366 00:33:23,014 --> 00:33:27,610 Uh-huh. I'm not really quite sure why I came. 367 00:33:27,685 --> 00:33:31,019 You're scared as hell... of yourself, 368 00:33:32,157 --> 00:33:35,820 of the body you thought you once knew. 369 00:33:35,894 --> 00:33:38,419 I beg your pardon? 370 00:33:39,531 --> 00:33:43,023 I am the one who understands. 371 00:33:43,102 --> 00:33:46,902 I am the one who knows your secret. 372 00:33:49,108 --> 00:33:51,270 Who is it? 373 00:33:54,514 --> 00:33:58,006 Madeline. I need to speak to Madeline. 374 00:33:58,084 --> 00:34:00,314 She's not here. 375 00:34:00,386 --> 00:34:03,549 Ah, thank God! 376 00:34:08,094 --> 00:34:11,963 How did you get in? I didn't hear the gate. 377 00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:16,831 I didn't want you to hear. 378 00:34:16,904 --> 00:34:19,031 Ernest, ask me to go. 379 00:34:19,106 --> 00:34:21,973 Ask me to leave this house immediately! 380 00:34:22,042 --> 00:34:24,840 - You just got here. - I know, I know. 381 00:34:24,912 --> 00:34:28,541 But it just took me a glimpse and I was back where I started. 382 00:34:28,616 --> 00:34:30,881 Where's that? 383 00:34:30,952 --> 00:34:34,285 - Don't pretend you're not aware of it. - Of what? 384 00:34:34,356 --> 00:34:38,759 You're a powerful sexual being, Ernest. 385 00:34:38,827 --> 00:34:40,556 I am? 386 00:34:40,629 --> 00:34:42,426 Yes, you are. 387 00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:45,625 If I never told you before, it's because... 388 00:34:45,700 --> 00:34:49,136 I wasn't the sort of girl that could say the word... 389 00:34:49,204 --> 00:34:52,766 "sexual" without blushing. 390 00:34:55,545 --> 00:34:58,036 Well, I can now. 391 00:34:59,749 --> 00:35:02,775 Sexual. 392 00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:06,079 Sensual. 393 00:35:07,657 --> 00:35:09,818 Sexy. 394 00:35:11,261 --> 00:35:14,059 Sex. 395 00:35:14,131 --> 00:35:17,100 Sex. 396 00:35:17,167 --> 00:35:19,192 Sex! 397 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:27,636 So warm, so full of life. 398 00:35:27,711 --> 00:35:31,876 And already it ebbs away from you. 399 00:35:31,950 --> 00:35:35,078 This is life's ultimate cruelty. 400 00:35:35,153 --> 00:35:38,816 It offers us the taste of youth and vitality... 401 00:35:38,890 --> 00:35:42,917 and then makes us witness our own decay. 402 00:35:44,262 --> 00:35:46,594 Well, it is the natural law. 403 00:35:46,664 --> 00:35:49,132 Screw the natural law! 404 00:36:42,723 --> 00:36:45,248 What is that? 405 00:36:45,326 --> 00:36:49,558 What you came for. 406 00:36:49,630 --> 00:36:52,623 A touch of magic... 407 00:36:52,701 --> 00:36:57,001 in this world obsessed with science. 408 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,274 A tonic. 409 00:37:02,911 --> 00:37:05,209 A potion. 410 00:37:06,949 --> 00:37:08,917 What does it do? 411 00:37:08,984 --> 00:37:12,477 How old would you guess I am? 412 00:37:15,391 --> 00:37:18,485 I wouldn't-- 413 00:37:18,561 --> 00:37:21,325 Come on. Don't try to flatter me. 414 00:37:21,397 --> 00:37:23,888 Thirty eight. 415 00:37:24,934 --> 00:37:26,993 Oh, twenty eight. Twenty... three? 416 00:37:27,070 --> 00:37:30,768 I am seventy-one years old. 417 00:37:30,841 --> 00:37:34,174 That's what it does. 418 00:37:34,244 --> 00:37:37,702 It stops the aging process dead in its tracks... 419 00:37:37,781 --> 00:37:40,011 and forces it into retreat. 420 00:37:40,084 --> 00:37:44,851 Drink that potion and you'll never grow even one day older. 421 00:37:44,922 --> 00:37:50,259 Don't drink it... and continue to watch yourself rot. 422 00:37:51,162 --> 00:37:53,096 How much is it? 423 00:37:55,667 --> 00:37:59,603 The sordid topic of coin... 424 00:37:59,671 --> 00:38:02,401 I'm afraid is not so simple. 425 00:38:02,474 --> 00:38:06,843 The cost, you see, it's different for everyone. 426 00:38:06,911 --> 00:38:10,211 Well, for me, how much? 427 00:38:25,464 --> 00:38:30,596 Well, thank you very much. I think I should be going. 428 00:38:30,670 --> 00:38:32,900 Sit! 429 00:38:47,854 --> 00:38:50,653 Hold out your hand. 430 00:38:54,362 --> 00:38:57,964 What are you, nuts? 431 00:38:58,098 --> 00:39:00,191 Watch. 432 00:39:26,994 --> 00:39:29,428 Check okay? 433 00:39:29,497 --> 00:39:31,432 Fine. 434 00:39:31,500 --> 00:39:34,128 But you must make me a promise. 435 00:39:34,203 --> 00:39:37,070 The secret that we share must never become public. 436 00:39:37,139 --> 00:39:39,767 You may continue your career for ten years, 437 00:39:39,842 --> 00:39:43,073 ten years of perfect, unchanged beauty. 438 00:39:43,145 --> 00:39:47,844 But at the end of that time, before people become suspicious, 439 00:39:47,916 --> 00:39:50,818 you have to disappear from public view forever. 440 00:39:50,887 --> 00:39:53,082 You can retire. 441 00:39:53,156 --> 00:39:56,387 You can stage your own phony death... 442 00:39:56,459 --> 00:39:59,019 or... 443 00:39:59,095 --> 00:40:02,622 as one of my clients simply said, 444 00:40:02,699 --> 00:40:05,600 "I vant to be alone, yah." 445 00:40:05,668 --> 00:40:08,603 No! She's not! 446 00:40:09,773 --> 00:40:11,708 Wow! 447 00:40:38,003 --> 00:40:40,597 Bottoms up. 448 00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:57,815 - Now, a warning. - Now, a warning? 449 00:40:57,890 --> 00:41:01,382 Take care of yourself. 450 00:41:01,461 --> 00:41:07,229 You and your body are going to be together a long time. 451 00:41:07,300 --> 00:41:09,996 Be good to it. 452 00:41:11,705 --> 00:41:15,607 Siempre viva. Live forever. 453 00:41:56,619 --> 00:42:00,749 I can't believe-- Did you-- 454 00:42:00,823 --> 00:42:03,621 Oh... I'm a girl! 455 00:42:03,692 --> 00:42:06,991 Shh. 456 00:42:07,062 --> 00:42:10,396 Ernest, oh, we gotta stop. 457 00:42:10,467 --> 00:42:12,958 I know we-- I know we-- 458 00:42:13,036 --> 00:42:15,402 Really, Ernest. Oh. 459 00:42:15,472 --> 00:42:17,963 Ernest, don't be angry with me. 460 00:42:18,041 --> 00:42:21,408 I'm fighting this as hard as I can, but just-- 461 00:42:21,478 --> 00:42:23,139 Look at you! 462 00:42:25,582 --> 00:42:28,346 She's already destroyed your career. 463 00:42:28,418 --> 00:42:31,013 Now she's breaking your heart, 464 00:42:31,088 --> 00:42:33,818 stealing your pride, 465 00:42:33,891 --> 00:42:36,257 flaunting her lovers... 466 00:42:36,327 --> 00:42:39,694 - all over town. - You know about that? 467 00:42:39,764 --> 00:42:43,359 Everyone does. 468 00:42:43,434 --> 00:42:47,029 At the party, people spoke of nothing else. 469 00:42:47,104 --> 00:42:49,902 How can you love me, Helen? 470 00:42:49,974 --> 00:42:54,344 I've been so weak for so long. 471 00:42:54,413 --> 00:42:58,042 I should've divorced Madeline a long time ago. 472 00:43:00,385 --> 00:43:04,344 By God, that is exactly what I am going to do! 473 00:43:04,423 --> 00:43:06,618 The first thing tomorrow morning, 474 00:43:06,692 --> 00:43:10,128 I am gonna go downtown and obtain a divorce from Madeline Ashton. 475 00:43:10,196 --> 00:43:14,132 - Ernest? - Monday. At the very least Tuesday. 476 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:18,034 Divorce? In California? 477 00:43:18,104 --> 00:43:22,006 That's exactly what she wants you to do. 478 00:43:22,075 --> 00:43:24,407 You have no talent for poverty. 479 00:43:30,818 --> 00:43:33,582 You can't let her get away with that. 480 00:43:35,055 --> 00:43:38,081 Then there's nothing I can do. 481 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:42,588 Oh, yes, there is. 482 00:43:46,767 --> 00:43:49,201 Listen to me, Ernest. 483 00:43:49,269 --> 00:43:53,832 I've thought this through carefully, and it's the only way. 484 00:43:53,908 --> 00:43:57,639 Tonight, while she's asleep, you'll sneak downstairs quietly, 485 00:43:57,712 --> 00:44:02,376 and take one of each kind of wine glass from the shelf. 486 00:44:02,450 --> 00:44:04,884 Then you'll take this Narconal... 487 00:44:04,953 --> 00:44:07,353 and lightly coat each glass. 488 00:44:07,422 --> 00:44:11,484 As you know, Narconal is a very powerful alcohol-base tranquilizer, 489 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:13,528 so you won't need much. 490 00:44:13,596 --> 00:44:16,258 Tomorrow, I'll call Madeline to say good-bye. 491 00:44:16,332 --> 00:44:21,269 - I'll get her to invite me to dinner. - Why don't you come to dinner? 492 00:44:21,337 --> 00:44:25,330 Then, at dinner, we propose a toast. 493 00:44:25,408 --> 00:44:27,672 No matter which glass she drinks from, 494 00:44:27,743 --> 00:44:31,908 Narconal will be on the glass. 495 00:44:31,982 --> 00:44:35,418 You and I work together. First, we finish dinner. 496 00:44:35,485 --> 00:44:38,852 Then we load her in the car, take her to the top of Mulholland Drive, 497 00:44:38,922 --> 00:44:44,087 call the police and report we've seen a drunk woman swerving close to the edge. 498 00:44:44,161 --> 00:44:47,722 Some drunk woman up here on Mulholland's swerving dangerously close to the edge. 499 00:44:47,798 --> 00:44:51,462 We'll sit her up in the driver's seat... 500 00:44:51,536 --> 00:44:53,401 and make it look like she's had... 501 00:44:53,471 --> 00:44:57,430 just a little bit too much to drink. 502 00:44:57,508 --> 00:44:59,738 We drop the car into gear, 503 00:45:01,479 --> 00:45:04,312 wedge her foot down on the accelerator, 504 00:45:05,883 --> 00:45:08,909 clamp her hands on the steering wheel... 505 00:45:08,986 --> 00:45:11,888 and send her on her way. 506 00:45:22,835 --> 00:45:25,736 By the time they perform the autopsy, 507 00:45:25,804 --> 00:45:28,466 the Narconal will be completely dissolved, 508 00:45:28,540 --> 00:45:31,305 leaving only traces of alcohol. 509 00:45:31,377 --> 00:45:35,814 She'll be classified as just another drunk driver. 510 00:45:35,882 --> 00:45:41,411 - They'll check her blood alcohol... - Point four-0. She had it coming. 511 00:45:41,488 --> 00:45:43,956 And think nothing more of it. 512 00:45:44,023 --> 00:45:48,722 The case is closed. Madeline is dead. 513 00:45:48,795 --> 00:45:52,357 And we're free! 514 00:45:52,433 --> 00:45:55,231 What are we saying? 515 00:46:01,575 --> 00:46:05,511 - We can't go through with this, Helen. - It's the only way. 516 00:46:05,579 --> 00:46:07,843 After she's gone, 517 00:46:07,915 --> 00:46:11,249 you can start your life all over again. 518 00:46:11,319 --> 00:46:14,652 I can start my life all over again. 519 00:46:14,723 --> 00:46:19,160 Oh, we'll be so happy! 520 00:46:21,797 --> 00:46:24,925 She's killing you. 521 00:46:26,668 --> 00:46:30,571 So... it would be self-defense. 522 00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:34,132 Self-defense. 523 00:48:04,971 --> 00:48:08,429 My God, it's back! 524 00:48:17,985 --> 00:48:20,249 We have to talk. 525 00:48:20,321 --> 00:48:23,688 - Have another drink and go to bed. - You'd like that. 526 00:48:23,758 --> 00:48:26,921 You'd like to see me drink myself into an early grave. 527 00:48:26,994 --> 00:48:29,394 That is not going to happen, by God! 528 00:48:29,463 --> 00:48:33,730 - You are not going to take my money! - What are you talking about? 529 00:48:33,802 --> 00:48:37,033 When was the last time you worked, Madeline? A real job? 530 00:48:37,105 --> 00:48:41,474 Anything you had left, you owed me a long time ago. Your face owed me. 531 00:48:41,543 --> 00:48:44,034 You've changed your hair? 532 00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:48,474 What an eye. 533 00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:50,485 Don't wait up. 534 00:48:52,722 --> 00:48:55,020 Cheap. 535 00:48:57,927 --> 00:49:00,361 What did you say? 536 00:49:00,430 --> 00:49:02,898 I called you cheap. That's what I think of you. 537 00:49:02,965 --> 00:49:05,433 Who do you think you're talking to? 538 00:49:05,501 --> 00:49:08,163 You're a cheap, tacky little tramp. 539 00:49:08,237 --> 00:49:10,536 Who do you think you are? 540 00:49:10,607 --> 00:49:14,008 - Nothing like the woman I married. - You're nothing! 541 00:49:14,078 --> 00:49:17,570 - You're a broad! - You're a tragic, boozy, flaccid clown. 542 00:49:17,648 --> 00:49:21,482 - Watch it, Madeline. - That's it. Flaccid. 543 00:49:21,552 --> 00:49:23,577 - Watch what you say. - Flaccid. 544 00:49:23,654 --> 00:49:26,248 I don't have to take this any longer! 545 00:49:26,323 --> 00:49:29,224 You'll take everything I have to give! You always have. 546 00:49:29,293 --> 00:49:31,728 You're not even a man anymore. And I need a man! 547 00:49:31,796 --> 00:49:35,926 A real man, not some drunken, broken-down flaccid undertaker... 548 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:39,163 who is just as dead below the waist as his clients are. 549 00:49:39,237 --> 00:49:42,001 Hey, I might have more fun with one of your clients! 550 00:49:42,073 --> 00:49:45,509 At least I'd know I'd be getting something stiff-- 551 00:50:02,461 --> 00:50:05,430 Did you think that I was just going to take it forever, Madeline? 552 00:50:05,498 --> 00:50:06,988 Did you? 553 00:50:07,066 --> 00:50:10,264 You cruel, vicious, loathsome bitch! 554 00:50:14,741 --> 00:50:17,972 Please? Please? 555 00:50:20,647 --> 00:50:23,810 Oh, God! Oh! 556 00:50:23,884 --> 00:50:27,911 - Madeline, I'm so sorry. - Oh, help me! Help me! 557 00:50:30,491 --> 00:50:32,789 Hurry! 558 00:50:32,860 --> 00:50:35,021 Help me! Hurry up, you wimp! 559 00:50:59,087 --> 00:51:01,078 Oh, boy. 560 00:51:07,329 --> 00:51:10,993 Oh, oh. 561 00:51:11,067 --> 00:51:13,934 Oh. 562 00:51:15,705 --> 00:51:18,697 Oh, boy! 563 00:51:45,903 --> 00:51:48,269 Oh, boy! 564 00:51:59,084 --> 00:52:01,279 Suite 1110, please. 565 00:52:01,353 --> 00:52:04,186 Helen, it's me, Ernest Menville! I did it! 566 00:52:04,256 --> 00:52:06,554 I didn't think I'd be able to, but I did it! 567 00:52:06,625 --> 00:52:09,753 I pushed her down the stairs. She is absolutely stone cold. 568 00:52:09,828 --> 00:52:13,287 She was saying the most monstrous things and she's dead. 569 00:52:13,366 --> 00:52:15,960 I just had this feeling inside of me that I couldn't contain. 570 00:52:16,035 --> 00:52:18,765 We're free, Helen. But I'm afraid I'm gonna burn in hell. 571 00:52:18,838 --> 00:52:21,705 Her neck is broken and there's no pulse and she's dead. 572 00:52:21,774 --> 00:52:25,403 Exactly which part of the plan were you unclear on? 573 00:52:25,478 --> 00:52:29,039 - We went over it three times, Ernest. - You don't understand. 574 00:52:29,115 --> 00:52:32,950 - Ernest, we went over it three times. - You don't understand. 575 00:52:33,020 --> 00:52:35,284 It just happened. It was an accident. 576 00:52:35,355 --> 00:52:37,653 It's better than an accident. At least it's gonna look like an accident. 577 00:52:37,724 --> 00:52:40,056 - Have you called the police? - No, I called you first. 578 00:52:40,127 --> 00:52:43,528 Ernest, you... poor, sweet thing. 579 00:52:43,597 --> 00:52:48,057 If the police check the phone records, don't you think it'll look unusual... 580 00:52:48,135 --> 00:52:52,266 - that you called me before them? - Oh, my God. 581 00:52:52,340 --> 00:52:54,831 - You're right. - Of course I'm right! 582 00:52:54,909 --> 00:52:56,843 - Should I call them right now? - No. 583 00:52:56,911 --> 00:53:00,506 We have to decide what you're going to say first. 584 00:53:01,749 --> 00:53:04,274 - Well? - I'm thinking. 585 00:53:05,453 --> 00:53:07,580 Okay, I've got it. Where's the body? 586 00:53:07,655 --> 00:53:11,422 - At the foot of the stairs. - Good. Don't move her. 587 00:53:11,493 --> 00:53:14,018 - Soon as we hang up, call the police. - Okay. 588 00:53:14,096 --> 00:53:17,827 Tell them you were on the phone with me when you heard a terrible scream. 589 00:53:17,900 --> 00:53:20,869 You turned around and saw Madeline fall down the stairs. 590 00:53:20,936 --> 00:53:23,029 - Right. Perfect. - Stick to that story. 591 00:53:23,105 --> 00:53:26,268 If they check the phone records, it'll confirm what you told them. 592 00:53:26,342 --> 00:53:29,106 - Got it. - What about the time of death? 593 00:53:29,178 --> 00:53:32,808 - Could they prove the call came after? - No, no. 594 00:53:32,882 --> 00:53:35,976 It's very difficult to determine time of death within a few hours. 595 00:53:36,052 --> 00:53:39,818 - It's not an exact science. - Ernest? Ernest! 596 00:53:39,889 --> 00:53:44,485 Ernest, you pushed me down the stairs! 597 00:53:49,866 --> 00:53:52,301 Stay away from me! 598 00:53:52,370 --> 00:53:54,998 You bet I will! Animal! Psycho! 599 00:53:55,072 --> 00:53:58,064 - Don't come near me. - Wife pusher! 600 00:53:58,142 --> 00:54:02,806 Don't come near me, follow me or talk to me. 601 00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:04,745 I don't intend to. 602 00:54:04,815 --> 00:54:07,716 I just have to make a telephone call. 603 00:54:11,189 --> 00:54:15,057 I just have to make a telephone call. 604 00:54:15,127 --> 00:54:17,288 9-1-1, right? 605 00:54:20,532 --> 00:54:24,366 You're in the shit house now, pal! 606 00:54:25,404 --> 00:54:27,565 Madeline, look at yourself! 607 00:54:27,639 --> 00:54:30,507 - Huh? - Look at yourself! 608 00:54:34,380 --> 00:54:36,678 Ernest! 609 00:54:36,749 --> 00:54:39,718 My ass! 610 00:54:39,786 --> 00:54:43,244 I can see... my ass! 611 00:54:43,322 --> 00:54:48,282 - Something's wrong with your neck too. - I would say so. 612 00:54:48,361 --> 00:54:53,095 I would friggin' well say so! 613 00:54:54,468 --> 00:54:57,528 Oh! Are you okay, honey? 614 00:54:57,604 --> 00:55:00,402 Yeah. Oh. 615 00:55:04,178 --> 00:55:08,080 Ernest... 616 00:55:08,148 --> 00:55:10,447 what's wrong with me? 617 00:55:10,518 --> 00:55:13,749 It's a dislocated neck. That's what it is. 618 00:55:13,822 --> 00:55:17,417 It could happen. I've never seen it happen, but it could happen. 619 00:55:17,492 --> 00:55:20,928 Yeah, so? Fix it. 620 00:55:20,995 --> 00:55:23,793 - How? - I don't know. Just do it! 621 00:55:23,865 --> 00:55:26,834 I wouldn't know where to begin, Madeline. 622 00:55:26,901 --> 00:55:28,892 For God's sake! 623 00:55:34,777 --> 00:55:36,802 Ah! 624 00:55:36,879 --> 00:55:39,313 Oh! 625 00:55:43,886 --> 00:55:47,754 Honey, I think I need a doctor. 626 00:55:52,095 --> 00:55:55,365 - What's the matter with this guy? - She's at death's door! 627 00:55:55,498 --> 00:55:57,363 Doctor, she's at death's door. 628 00:55:57,434 --> 00:56:00,460 Why don't you let me be the judge of that? 629 00:56:00,537 --> 00:56:02,562 What seems to be the problem? 630 00:56:02,639 --> 00:56:05,073 I fell down the stairs. 631 00:56:05,141 --> 00:56:07,905 Whoopsie. Anything broken? 632 00:56:07,977 --> 00:56:10,845 I don't think so. I mean, it would hurt, wouldn't it? 633 00:56:10,915 --> 00:56:13,509 I should think so, yeah. 634 00:56:13,584 --> 00:56:18,021 Maybe my wrist, but my neck feels sort of sore. 635 00:56:18,089 --> 00:56:20,649 Let's have a little look at you. Which wrist is it? 636 00:56:20,725 --> 00:56:22,784 Right. 637 00:56:22,860 --> 00:56:25,658 - Does it hurt when I do this? - No. 638 00:56:25,730 --> 00:56:28,722 - How about this? - Nope. 639 00:56:30,736 --> 00:56:34,069 - Ah, okay, this? - Hmm, no, uh-uh. 640 00:56:35,073 --> 00:56:38,474 - This doesn't hurt? - Uh-uh. No. 641 00:56:38,543 --> 00:56:41,376 Are you telling me it doesn't hurt when I do this? 642 00:56:41,446 --> 00:56:44,108 It doesn't hurt. I told you that. 643 00:56:44,182 --> 00:56:47,674 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 644 00:56:47,753 --> 00:56:51,019 Okay, what's this you're talking about with your neck? 645 00:56:51,090 --> 00:56:54,423 It hurts when I kinda turn it, you know? 646 00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:57,258 Maybe you just-- 647 00:56:57,330 --> 00:57:01,061 Okay, right. I see. Gotcha. 648 00:57:01,134 --> 00:57:05,400 - What about shock? Should we check? - It could be shock. 649 00:57:05,471 --> 00:57:07,735 It could be shock. 650 00:57:22,523 --> 00:57:24,821 What is-- 651 00:57:34,602 --> 00:57:36,866 What? What is it? What's the matter? 652 00:57:36,938 --> 00:57:39,600 It's, uh, it's interesting. 653 00:57:39,674 --> 00:57:42,234 It's okeydokey. 654 00:57:42,310 --> 00:57:45,575 I think that just about covers it. 655 00:57:45,647 --> 00:57:49,344 - Might I have a little sip of that? - Of course. 656 00:57:51,754 --> 00:57:55,520 Well, I'll tell you what. We, this, uh, odd thing. 657 00:57:55,591 --> 00:57:58,754 Your wrist, as far as I can tell, 658 00:57:58,828 --> 00:58:02,229 it's fractured in three places. 659 00:58:02,298 --> 00:58:04,732 And you've shattered, uh, two, uh, vertebrae. 660 00:58:04,800 --> 00:58:08,327 I can't really be certain without an X ray. 661 00:58:08,404 --> 00:58:13,104 But the bone protrusion through the skin, that's not a good sign. 662 00:58:13,176 --> 00:58:15,872 And, uh... your body temperature is below 80... 663 00:58:15,946 --> 00:58:19,006 and, your, your, your... 664 00:58:19,082 --> 00:58:21,380 your heart's stopped beating. 665 00:58:21,451 --> 00:58:24,852 What the hell does that mean? 666 00:58:24,921 --> 00:58:27,287 Exactly! Exactly what-- 667 00:58:27,357 --> 00:58:30,623 I think... I'm gonna get a second opinion. 668 00:58:30,695 --> 00:58:32,458 Doctor? 669 00:58:32,530 --> 00:58:35,260 Well, could be worse. 670 00:58:35,333 --> 00:58:38,200 - I'm gonna examine you myself. - No. 671 00:58:38,269 --> 00:58:40,533 - Sit still. - Don't touch me. 672 00:58:40,605 --> 00:58:44,564 - My God, he's right. - He is not right. Don't be ridiculous. 673 00:58:44,642 --> 00:58:46,735 - This is incredible. - What would it mean if he were right? 674 00:58:46,811 --> 00:58:51,340 You're in violation of every natural law that I know. 675 00:58:51,416 --> 00:58:53,441 I, I, I, I violated what law? 676 00:58:53,519 --> 00:58:55,612 In violation of every natural law that I know! 677 00:58:55,687 --> 00:59:00,522 You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead! 678 00:59:00,592 --> 00:59:02,787 I'm gonna get help! 679 00:59:08,299 --> 00:59:10,700 I need a doctor! Room 147! 680 00:59:10,769 --> 00:59:15,138 Hey! Hey! 681 00:59:15,207 --> 00:59:20,804 Respiratory therapist to E.R. Therapist to the E.R. 682 00:59:20,879 --> 00:59:24,576 Where are all the doctors? 683 00:59:30,457 --> 00:59:33,221 No, no, no! Not that lab! 684 00:59:33,293 --> 00:59:36,262 Everyone clear. 685 00:59:36,329 --> 00:59:39,423 - What do we have now? - No pulse! 686 00:59:45,739 --> 00:59:48,640 Where is she? 687 00:59:53,114 --> 00:59:56,140 I'm terribly sorry, sir. I know how difficult this must be. 688 00:59:56,217 --> 00:59:58,947 You don't understand. She didn't-- 689 00:59:59,019 --> 01:00:01,146 This is very hard to explain. 690 01:00:01,222 --> 01:00:04,157 I know it is. How can anyone explain it? 691 01:00:04,225 --> 01:00:07,353 - Where did you put my wife? - Don't worry about that now. 692 01:00:07,428 --> 01:00:09,828 Just give yourself some time to grieve. 693 01:00:09,897 --> 01:00:14,164 - Where did you put my wife? - She's dead. She's in the morgue. 694 01:00:14,236 --> 01:00:18,036 The morgue! She'll be furious. 695 01:01:26,978 --> 01:01:30,346 - Help! - Yes, it's me, darling. 696 01:01:30,416 --> 01:01:33,715 Oh, Ernest! 697 01:01:33,786 --> 01:01:37,916 I fainted and I woke up and it was all dark. 698 01:01:37,990 --> 01:01:40,788 I kept yelling and yelling and yelling. 699 01:01:40,860 --> 01:01:43,658 Nobody heard me. Nobody did anything. 700 01:01:43,729 --> 01:01:46,129 Then I didn't know where I was and I got scared. 701 01:01:46,198 --> 01:01:49,690 It's okay. It's all right. 702 01:01:49,768 --> 01:01:53,637 Ernest, I'm in the morgue. 703 01:01:53,707 --> 01:01:55,937 - Why am I in the morgue? - Shh! It's okay. It's okay! 704 01:01:56,009 --> 01:01:58,443 Listen! I understand now. It's incredible! 705 01:01:58,511 --> 01:02:01,571 It's physically impossible, but now I understand it. 706 01:02:01,648 --> 01:02:05,744 - They think I'm dead, Ernest. - Yes! But you're not! 707 01:02:05,819 --> 01:02:08,617 In the whole of recorded medical history, 708 01:02:08,688 --> 01:02:11,920 this has never happened to another single human. 709 01:02:11,993 --> 01:02:15,793 Yeah, so, why did it have to happen to me? 710 01:02:15,863 --> 01:02:19,094 - Do you know what you are, darling? - Uh-uh. 711 01:02:19,166 --> 01:02:23,296 You're a sign. You're an omen, a burning bush! 712 01:02:23,371 --> 01:02:26,067 - I am? - Of course you are. 713 01:02:26,140 --> 01:02:29,007 We're being told that we belong together. 714 01:02:29,076 --> 01:02:32,706 And I'm being called. I'm being challenged. 715 01:02:32,781 --> 01:02:36,080 Don't you see, Madeline? It's a miracle! 716 01:03:11,588 --> 01:03:16,753 Oh, my God! 717 01:03:41,219 --> 01:03:45,280 Shit! 718 01:04:01,941 --> 01:04:03,909 Oh! 719 01:04:31,139 --> 01:04:33,266 Formaldehyde. 720 01:04:33,341 --> 01:04:36,606 What in God's name? 721 01:05:07,276 --> 01:05:09,244 Darn it. 722 01:05:14,517 --> 01:05:16,451 It's just not the right balance. 723 01:05:16,519 --> 01:05:19,545 - How's it goin', Ern? - I don't wanna rush things, Madeline. 724 01:05:19,622 --> 01:05:23,251 Who keeps calling? 725 01:05:23,326 --> 01:05:25,794 - Huh? - Who is that? 726 01:05:25,862 --> 01:05:28,922 I can't have these interruptions! 727 01:05:31,735 --> 01:05:35,398 I'm gonna need you to hold very still. 728 01:05:35,473 --> 01:05:37,941 Oh! 729 01:05:38,008 --> 01:05:41,273 - What? - Madeline! 730 01:05:41,345 --> 01:05:44,746 - I asked you to sit still. - Mmm, what's the matter? 731 01:05:44,815 --> 01:05:47,807 - I need more turpentine now. - Are we almost done? 732 01:05:47,885 --> 01:05:51,447 The highlights of your eyes are unbalanced. Want people to stare? 733 01:05:51,556 --> 01:05:56,323 I can't use kerosene because it'll affect the skin. 734 01:05:58,497 --> 01:06:01,864 Where is she? 735 01:06:05,237 --> 01:06:09,264 Oh, my gosh, Helen! What are you doin' here? 736 01:06:09,341 --> 01:06:11,833 What's that on your hands? Blood? 737 01:06:11,911 --> 01:06:14,106 - Paint! - Paint? 738 01:06:14,180 --> 01:06:16,148 What would you be doing that you have paint on your hands? 739 01:06:16,215 --> 01:06:18,581 - Painting. - Ernest. 740 01:06:18,651 --> 01:06:21,814 Are you doing something funny with Madeline? 741 01:06:21,888 --> 01:06:25,221 - Define funny. - Oh, come on, Ernest. Cough her up! 742 01:06:25,291 --> 01:06:27,589 Shh, shh, shh, listen, Helen. 743 01:06:27,660 --> 01:06:30,026 - We should go outside and talk. - Why are you whispering? 744 01:06:30,096 --> 01:06:34,534 - She's resting and in a foul mood. - Are you nuts? 745 01:06:34,601 --> 01:06:37,399 - She's resting! - She's not resting. 746 01:06:37,471 --> 01:06:41,931 She's dead, Ernest, just like we wanted, just like we plotted together. 747 01:06:42,009 --> 01:06:45,877 Remember? You may have done it alone, but I can't walk away now. 748 01:06:45,946 --> 01:06:48,813 - Not after you put us both in jeopardy! - Shh! 749 01:06:48,882 --> 01:06:53,377 We have to bury her in Death Valley and be done with her once and for all. 750 01:06:53,454 --> 01:06:56,946 - You have to listen to me. - Stop waffling. She deserved it. 751 01:06:57,025 --> 01:07:01,553 She was a home wrecker. She was a man-eater. 752 01:07:01,629 --> 01:07:04,530 And she was a bad... actress. 753 01:07:04,599 --> 01:07:10,003 - Would you please listen to me! - Oh, stop it! 754 01:07:10,071 --> 01:07:12,597 Madeline is not ready to be buried yet. 755 01:07:12,675 --> 01:07:15,200 - She's upstairs resting peacefully. - Oh, fine! 756 01:07:15,277 --> 01:07:17,507 If she's not dead, you tell her to come here. 757 01:07:17,580 --> 01:07:20,048 Tell her to come here, walk right up to me... 758 01:07:20,115 --> 01:07:22,675 - and kiss me on the-- - Kiss you on the what? 759 01:07:24,386 --> 01:07:28,982 - Mad? - Hel. 760 01:07:29,058 --> 01:07:31,960 - Darling. - What have you two... 761 01:07:32,028 --> 01:07:36,124 been plotting down here or should I say, what else? 762 01:07:36,199 --> 01:07:41,432 Are you angry, dear? Are you very angry? 763 01:07:41,504 --> 01:07:46,168 - It's alive. - Madeline? 764 01:07:46,243 --> 01:07:50,647 Oh, boy! Helen, I think you should leave right away. 765 01:07:50,715 --> 01:07:54,617 I see a very bad situation developing here. 766 01:07:54,685 --> 01:07:58,280 Dear? Madeline? 767 01:08:08,232 --> 01:08:10,326 I just want you to know one thing, Hel. 768 01:08:11,903 --> 01:08:13,837 You brought this on yourself. 769 01:08:13,905 --> 01:08:18,842 Madeline! 770 01:08:18,910 --> 01:08:23,210 Oh, my God! 771 01:08:23,282 --> 01:08:27,480 - What have you done? - What have I done? Defended myself. 772 01:08:27,552 --> 01:08:29,816 You plotter, coconspirator! 773 01:08:29,888 --> 01:08:33,256 - She's dead! - She is? 774 01:08:33,326 --> 01:08:37,854 These are the moments that make life worth living. 775 01:08:37,930 --> 01:08:41,161 My God, Madeline, that was horrible. It was brutal. 776 01:08:41,234 --> 01:08:44,260 It was stupid! The police, Madeline! The police! 777 01:08:44,337 --> 01:08:47,363 What are they gonna do? Put me in the gas chamber? Big deal. 778 01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:50,535 Life in prison? Know what that means to a person in your condition? 779 01:08:50,611 --> 01:08:55,742 - So negative. Let me enjoy the moment. - What about the neighbors? 780 01:08:55,816 --> 01:09:00,378 Neighbors? In 12 years in Los Angeles, have you ever seen a neighbor? 781 01:09:00,454 --> 01:09:03,514 Oh! I gotta think! I gotta think! 782 01:09:03,590 --> 01:09:05,581 One of us has to stay rational. 783 01:09:05,659 --> 01:09:10,153 I am completely rational. We're going to bury her. 784 01:09:10,231 --> 01:09:12,722 In Death Valley. You and I. 785 01:09:12,801 --> 01:09:15,235 I most certainly will not! 786 01:09:15,303 --> 01:09:20,434 Oh, no? Pretty strong words for a murderer on the run, 787 01:09:20,508 --> 01:09:24,000 which is exactly what you are, Ernest. 788 01:09:26,247 --> 01:09:29,614 What if the police should receive an anonymous phone call about you... 789 01:09:29,684 --> 01:09:34,486 and find me on the floor not breathing, no pulse? 790 01:09:34,557 --> 01:09:37,890 Ain't nobody can play dead like me, Ernest. 791 01:09:37,960 --> 01:09:42,863 What will you tell them? You're going to be very popular in prison. 792 01:09:42,932 --> 01:09:45,833 - Prison? - Prison. 793 01:09:45,901 --> 01:09:50,099 Do you know what they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans... 794 01:09:50,172 --> 01:09:53,609 in prison, Ernest? 795 01:09:53,677 --> 01:09:55,845 I'll get the shovels, dear. 796 01:10:00,483 --> 01:10:03,281 And she even paid for the hardware. 797 01:10:03,352 --> 01:10:07,379 Don't you just love it? 798 01:10:07,456 --> 01:10:10,585 Oh! 799 01:10:11,928 --> 01:10:14,488 - Are you just gonna sit there? - What? 800 01:10:14,564 --> 01:10:17,533 - I won't be your accomplice by myself. - I'll help. 801 01:10:17,601 --> 01:10:20,001 - I'm happy to help. - Help me stretch this out. Get the end. 802 01:10:20,070 --> 01:10:23,938 - I'm very happy to help. - Put the body right here. 803 01:10:24,007 --> 01:10:26,737 Today really shaped up in a hurry, didn't it? 804 01:10:26,810 --> 01:10:30,177 Did you ever notice how some days can start out so shitty-- 805 01:10:33,184 --> 01:10:36,312 and then suddenly something wonderful happens and your whole outlook... 806 01:10:36,387 --> 01:10:41,757 just suddenly... changes. 807 01:10:41,826 --> 01:10:45,353 That... was totally uncalled-for. 808 01:10:59,711 --> 01:11:04,842 Look at me, Ernest, just look at me. I'm soaking wet. 809 01:11:04,917 --> 01:11:09,513 And there seems to be something wrong with your, uh, blouse. 810 01:11:11,157 --> 01:11:15,287 I have a hole in my stomach! 811 01:11:15,361 --> 01:11:18,125 Oh! 812 01:11:18,198 --> 01:11:21,258 I have a hole in my stomach! 813 01:11:21,334 --> 01:11:25,498 Yeah, and you're still alive. 814 01:11:25,572 --> 01:11:29,372 - It's another miracle! - No, it isn't. 815 01:11:36,150 --> 01:11:39,517 Ha! Ah-ha! You took the potion! 816 01:11:39,587 --> 01:11:41,782 - How do you know about that? - Oh! 817 01:11:41,856 --> 01:11:45,519 - You took the potion too. - Well, I hardly needed it. 818 01:11:45,593 --> 01:11:49,461 So that's why you look the way you do and you are dead. 819 01:11:49,530 --> 01:11:53,194 - When did you take it? - October 26, 1985. Way before you! 820 01:11:53,268 --> 01:11:55,634 - What are you talking about? - The potion! 821 01:11:55,704 --> 01:11:57,672 - How much did you pay? - Everything I had. 822 01:11:57,739 --> 01:11:59,798 - And that was cheap! - You took a potion? 823 01:11:59,875 --> 01:12:03,811 - Beauty book, my butt! - Wait a second. 824 01:12:03,879 --> 01:12:06,643 I don't think this is a miracle at all! 825 01:12:06,715 --> 01:12:10,082 You're a fraud, a walking lie and I can see right through you! 826 01:12:10,152 --> 01:12:15,420 Speaking of which, as a friend, some advice. 827 01:12:15,491 --> 01:12:19,222 I would stay out of a bathing suit for a while. 828 01:12:19,295 --> 01:12:21,661 At least, a two piece. 829 01:12:21,731 --> 01:12:23,926 Or if I-- 830 01:12:33,410 --> 01:12:37,779 Damn. I just fixed this. 831 01:12:46,290 --> 01:12:48,758 En garde. 832 01:12:48,825 --> 01:12:50,623 - Bitch. - Girls, girls! 833 01:12:50,695 --> 01:12:55,632 Let's just calm down. I'm sure we can settle this peacefully-- Whoa! 834 01:12:55,700 --> 01:12:59,033 You should learn not to compete with me. I always win. 835 01:12:59,103 --> 01:13:01,333 Yah! Yah! 836 01:13:01,406 --> 01:13:04,375 You may have always won, but you never played fair. 837 01:13:04,442 --> 01:13:07,536 Oh! 838 01:13:07,612 --> 01:13:10,480 Who cares how I played? I won! 839 01:13:10,549 --> 01:13:13,017 I'll just be upstairs. 840 01:13:13,085 --> 01:13:17,488 That's 'cause you could raise your legs higher than anyone. 841 01:13:17,556 --> 01:13:22,186 But look at you now! You couldn't raise an eyebrow without surgery! 842 01:13:22,261 --> 01:13:24,695 I've raised a lot more than an eyebrow in my day. 843 01:13:24,763 --> 01:13:27,391 You skinny, phony, hollow bitch! 844 01:13:27,466 --> 01:13:29,559 You've lost your one and only talent. 845 01:13:29,635 --> 01:13:33,128 Which was one more talent than you had, you former fatso! 846 01:13:38,511 --> 01:13:42,174 - Aaah! - Yes! No! Oh, damn! 847 01:13:42,249 --> 01:13:45,343 This is pointless! Wait a minute, this is ridiculous! 848 01:13:45,418 --> 01:13:47,682 We can't even hurt each other! We can't even inflict pain! 849 01:13:47,754 --> 01:13:49,984 Pain! 850 01:13:50,056 --> 01:13:53,754 I'll tell ya about pain! Bobby O'Brien! 851 01:13:53,828 --> 01:13:57,423 Scott Hunter! Ernest Menville! That's pain! 852 01:13:57,498 --> 01:14:00,296 I loved every one of them and they loved me. 853 01:14:00,368 --> 01:14:03,531 I will not speak to you till you put your head on straight. 854 01:14:06,774 --> 01:14:09,299 They were all I had and you took them away from me. 855 01:14:09,377 --> 01:14:12,108 Not because you loved them, not because you cared... 856 01:14:12,180 --> 01:14:14,910 but just to hurt me on purpose. 857 01:14:14,983 --> 01:14:16,974 - That is not true! - Liar! 858 01:14:17,052 --> 01:14:19,646 - You attacked me first! - Me? 859 01:14:19,721 --> 01:14:22,451 Do you think I was blind, deaf? 860 01:14:22,524 --> 01:14:27,552 I couldn't hear what you and your snotty friends were saying about me? 861 01:14:27,629 --> 01:14:32,033 - You thought I was cheap. - Oh, please. You're insane. 862 01:14:32,101 --> 01:14:35,559 Then how come you never invited me to one of those parties at your parents? 863 01:14:35,638 --> 01:14:38,869 Because we didn't think you'd feel comfortable. 864 01:14:38,941 --> 01:14:42,206 - It wasn't usual for-- Stop that! - I'm trying. 865 01:14:42,278 --> 01:14:46,339 - It wasn't usual for us to have-- - Trash in the house! 866 01:14:46,416 --> 01:14:49,681 You're avoiding the issue. You stole my boyfriends to hurt me on purpose! 867 01:14:49,752 --> 01:14:51,687 - I did not! - Admit it! 868 01:14:51,755 --> 01:14:55,418 No, you admit it. You look me in the eye... 869 01:14:55,492 --> 01:15:01,226 and you admit you thought I was cheap. 870 01:15:13,845 --> 01:15:19,306 Okay, I thought you were cheap. 871 01:15:24,356 --> 01:15:28,122 Well, 872 01:15:28,193 --> 01:15:30,754 I hurt you on purpose. 873 01:15:30,830 --> 01:15:35,631 and I'm... really sorry. 874 01:15:38,504 --> 01:15:41,006 I'm sorry too. 875 01:15:44,376 --> 01:15:46,640 Ern, darling. 876 01:15:46,711 --> 01:15:50,705 Helen and I want to apologize for that little thing downstairs. 877 01:15:50,783 --> 01:15:55,152 - We've got it out of our systems now. - Yeah, thank God. 878 01:15:55,221 --> 01:15:58,554 It was so awful hating you and envying you at the same time. 879 01:15:58,624 --> 01:16:00,956 You envied me? I envied you! 880 01:16:01,027 --> 01:16:03,291 - You did not! - I did too. 881 01:16:03,362 --> 01:16:06,024 - Specifically, what part did you envy? - Your grade point for one. 882 01:16:06,098 --> 01:16:08,999 Excuse me. Excuse me! 883 01:16:11,505 --> 01:16:17,239 I just wanted to tell you both that I've come to a decision that's... 884 01:16:17,311 --> 01:16:21,611 very important and long overdue. 885 01:16:21,682 --> 01:16:24,116 - I'm leaving. - You're what? Leaving? No. 886 01:16:24,184 --> 01:16:27,210 - We need you. - I promised Hel you would fix her. 887 01:16:27,287 --> 01:16:29,619 And Maddie needs work too. 888 01:16:29,690 --> 01:16:34,185 - You can go first. - Oh, that's so sweet of you! 889 01:16:34,262 --> 01:16:36,287 Thank you. Ern? 890 01:16:36,364 --> 01:16:41,461 Come on. What do you say? For old times sake. 891 01:16:41,536 --> 01:16:43,561 Please! 892 01:16:47,508 --> 01:16:52,412 On one condition. When I'm done, I go. 893 01:16:54,316 --> 01:16:58,116 You don't look for me. You don't ask about me. 894 01:16:58,187 --> 01:17:00,178 You don't even think about me ever again. 895 01:17:00,255 --> 01:17:04,589 I have no problem with that. Do you? 896 01:17:04,660 --> 01:17:07,993 Not anymore. 897 01:17:22,145 --> 01:17:24,841 - Oh! - Oh! It's amazing! 898 01:17:24,914 --> 01:17:27,747 - Oh! - Not a blemish! Not a pore! 899 01:17:27,817 --> 01:17:32,448 Oh! Say what you will about Ernest, but the man is a genius. 900 01:17:32,523 --> 01:17:34,821 He is. He's a genius. 901 01:17:34,892 --> 01:17:37,725 - Wait. You've got a little thing. - Ooh! 902 01:17:37,795 --> 01:17:40,263 Probably shouldn't have done that. Ha-ha! 903 01:17:40,331 --> 01:17:42,822 - I think it's still... wet. - Can Ernest fix this? 904 01:17:42,900 --> 01:17:44,891 - Yeah, I'll get him before he leaves. - But wait a minute. 905 01:17:44,969 --> 01:17:46,459 What if this happens again? 906 01:17:46,537 --> 01:17:49,005 What if it fades? Chips? What if it rains? 907 01:17:49,073 --> 01:17:51,201 - Will he come back for touch-ups? - Even if he does, 908 01:17:51,276 --> 01:17:53,267 he's not gonna live forever. 909 01:17:53,345 --> 01:17:56,143 - That's not good. - What are we gonna do? 910 01:17:56,214 --> 01:17:58,682 - He'll have to take the potion. - Yeah! 911 01:17:58,750 --> 01:18:00,718 We'll take him to Lisle's. She'll talk him into it. 912 01:18:00,786 --> 01:18:03,516 He won't go to Lisle's. You heard him. He's made up his mind about leaving. 913 01:18:03,588 --> 01:18:07,080 That's true. We have to respect that. 914 01:18:07,159 --> 01:18:10,687 I know. We'll drug him. 915 01:18:10,763 --> 01:18:13,323 Ern, darling. 916 01:18:13,399 --> 01:18:15,924 My taxi here? 917 01:18:16,002 --> 01:18:19,665 We thought you might like some breakfast. 918 01:18:23,709 --> 01:18:27,338 You know, I was just thinking. 919 01:18:27,413 --> 01:18:30,975 I was questioning myself. I was wondering why... 920 01:18:31,051 --> 01:18:33,815 I didn't pack this thing five years ago, 921 01:18:33,887 --> 01:18:37,379 six years ago, ten years ago, instead of sticking around here... 922 01:18:37,458 --> 01:18:41,451 and suffering every indignity and humiliation. 923 01:18:41,528 --> 01:18:45,294 I'll tell ya why. Because I made a promise... 924 01:18:45,365 --> 01:18:47,356 and that meant everything to me. 925 01:18:47,434 --> 01:18:51,201 Yes, it's all very noble to keep your word. 926 01:18:51,272 --> 01:18:53,638 Ernest? Your drink? 927 01:18:53,708 --> 01:18:57,007 Do you know what they call someone who sticks by their word no matter what? 928 01:18:57,078 --> 01:19:00,138 - At the cost of all else? Do you know? - No. 929 01:19:00,215 --> 01:19:04,242 An idiot. From now on I'm gonna be the kind of idiot I wanna be. 930 01:19:04,319 --> 01:19:07,220 An idiot with a modicum of pride, because you know what? 931 01:19:07,288 --> 01:19:10,952 I finally realized something. I've lived up to my promise. 932 01:19:11,026 --> 01:19:14,462 Till death do us part. 933 01:19:14,530 --> 01:19:18,694 Well, you girls are dead. 934 01:19:18,767 --> 01:19:21,759 And I'm parting. 935 01:19:21,837 --> 01:19:24,067 Cheers. 936 01:19:25,641 --> 01:19:28,337 You know something else? 937 01:19:32,616 --> 01:19:36,712 I drink too much. 938 01:19:39,289 --> 01:19:41,257 What? 939 01:20:20,465 --> 01:20:25,960 I'm glad to see you're awake, Dr. Menville. 940 01:20:32,512 --> 01:20:35,413 I hope you don't mind... 941 01:20:35,481 --> 01:20:39,474 that Harry and Dick had to dress you. 942 01:20:39,552 --> 01:20:44,387 You were improperly attired for the occasion. 943 01:20:44,457 --> 01:20:46,618 What occasion? 944 01:20:47,894 --> 01:20:51,296 I'm throwing a party upstairs. 945 01:20:51,365 --> 01:20:54,994 I throw one every spring for my clients. 946 01:20:55,069 --> 01:20:57,833 All right. 947 01:20:57,905 --> 01:20:59,896 Okay. 948 01:21:06,313 --> 01:21:08,907 - What do you want with me? - To you... 949 01:21:08,983 --> 01:21:14,149 I would like to give a present. 950 01:21:14,222 --> 01:21:17,089 The gift of life... 951 01:21:17,158 --> 01:21:21,652 and youth forever. 952 01:21:27,869 --> 01:21:32,330 I saw your wife and friend. 953 01:21:32,408 --> 01:21:34,535 You did brilliant work. 954 01:21:34,610 --> 01:21:36,544 Show me your hand. 955 01:21:39,949 --> 01:21:43,146 Come on. I won't bite. 956 01:21:45,521 --> 01:21:49,321 What are you doing? 957 01:21:50,727 --> 01:21:53,787 I'm loving you. 958 01:22:44,750 --> 01:22:47,651 My God! 959 01:22:50,256 --> 01:22:52,781 Oh, thank you. 960 01:22:56,930 --> 01:23:01,128 But don't be modest. That's what you do. 961 01:23:01,201 --> 01:23:04,295 This is what you've always done. 962 01:23:04,371 --> 01:23:08,330 Stopped time in people's faces and in their hands. 963 01:23:08,408 --> 01:23:11,537 You are like Don Quixote, 964 01:23:11,612 --> 01:23:15,912 tilting at nature's windmill. 965 01:23:15,983 --> 01:23:19,043 Drink it. 966 01:23:19,120 --> 01:23:22,089 Go on. 967 01:23:22,156 --> 01:23:27,219 It is the completion of your life's work. 968 01:23:27,294 --> 01:23:30,526 You gave other people youth... 969 01:23:30,599 --> 01:23:33,295 and wasted your own. 970 01:23:33,368 --> 01:23:35,666 Drink! 971 01:23:35,737 --> 01:23:38,900 You'll be able to work again... forever. 972 01:23:38,974 --> 01:23:41,636 Drink. 973 01:23:41,710 --> 01:23:44,304 Drink! Dr. Menville! 974 01:23:44,379 --> 01:23:49,248 You owe yourself another chance. Drink! 975 01:23:49,317 --> 01:23:52,481 Make the right choice! The only choice! 976 01:23:52,555 --> 01:23:55,820 Drink! Siempre viva! 977 01:23:55,892 --> 01:23:58,588 Live forever! 978 01:23:58,661 --> 01:24:01,926 Then what? 979 01:24:01,998 --> 01:24:04,762 What? 980 01:24:04,834 --> 01:24:07,769 - Then what happens? - What? 981 01:24:07,837 --> 01:24:11,706 I don't wanna live forever. 982 01:24:11,775 --> 01:24:15,871 It sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored? 983 01:24:15,946 --> 01:24:18,676 - What? - What if I get lonely? 984 01:24:18,749 --> 01:24:20,876 Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeline and Helen? 985 01:24:20,951 --> 01:24:23,044 What if something happens to me? What if I get maimed? 986 01:24:23,120 --> 01:24:26,146 What if I get shot? What if somebody pushes me down-- 987 01:24:26,223 --> 01:24:28,783 What if I fall down a flight of stairs or something? 988 01:24:28,859 --> 01:24:32,352 - But you never grow old. - But everybody else will. 989 01:24:32,430 --> 01:24:34,694 I'll have to watch everyone around me die. 990 01:24:36,267 --> 01:24:38,258 I don't think this is right. 991 01:24:38,336 --> 01:24:41,032 This is not a dream. This is a nightmare. 992 01:24:41,105 --> 01:24:43,437 You people all have to be stopped. 993 01:24:43,508 --> 01:24:46,170 Dick, Tom, Harry. 994 01:24:47,545 --> 01:24:49,911 Get the potion from him! 995 01:24:55,554 --> 01:24:59,422 - Get him! Get him! - Relax. He won't go far. 996 01:24:59,492 --> 01:25:01,927 Not at his age. 997 01:25:44,038 --> 01:25:49,874 Welcome, everyone. Lisle will be down in a few minutes. 998 01:25:54,649 --> 01:25:59,313 First, I must remind all of you who staged your own deaths... 999 01:25:59,387 --> 01:26:02,220 of our very strict policy against... 1000 01:26:02,290 --> 01:26:06,124 popping up in public to grab a few headlines. 1001 01:26:07,829 --> 01:26:11,823 I won't name names. You know who you are. 1002 01:26:14,203 --> 01:26:17,570 I was just trying to have some fun. That's all. 1003 01:26:18,808 --> 01:26:20,799 Look! There's Ernest! 1004 01:26:22,512 --> 01:26:25,413 Oh, my God! He still looks like hell. 1005 01:26:25,481 --> 01:26:27,506 I don't think she gave him the good stuff. 1006 01:26:27,583 --> 01:26:30,314 Look! 1007 01:26:30,387 --> 01:26:32,753 He's still got it! 1008 01:26:34,658 --> 01:26:36,057 Let's go. 1009 01:26:36,126 --> 01:26:38,492 Oh, everybody gather round. 1010 01:26:38,562 --> 01:26:40,496 Lisle will be with us in a very few seconds. 1011 01:26:40,564 --> 01:26:43,328 Gentlemen, please, seal the room. 1012 01:27:06,357 --> 01:27:08,848 He's going up. 1013 01:27:08,927 --> 01:27:10,793 Idiot! 1014 01:27:28,814 --> 01:27:30,874 Aaah! 1015 01:27:58,246 --> 01:28:00,339 Oh, boy! 1016 01:28:51,402 --> 01:28:53,734 Ernest! 1017 01:28:59,576 --> 01:29:02,511 Ernest! 1018 01:29:02,579 --> 01:29:05,446 - Helen! - Grab it! 1019 01:29:08,719 --> 01:29:10,881 - I-- Ernest! 1020 01:29:10,955 --> 01:29:13,082 Ernest! Grab it! 1021 01:29:13,158 --> 01:29:16,093 Grab it! 1022 01:29:16,161 --> 01:29:18,652 Grab it! Grab it! 1023 01:29:23,768 --> 01:29:27,329 Ernest! Do you still have the potion? Do you still have it? 1024 01:29:27,405 --> 01:29:30,135 Find it! Find it! 1025 01:29:30,208 --> 01:29:33,542 It's the only way you'll survive if you fall. 1026 01:29:33,612 --> 01:29:36,012 Drink it! Drink it or you'll die! 1027 01:29:38,084 --> 01:29:39,984 - Oh! - After you fall, 1028 01:29:40,052 --> 01:29:43,044 you can put yourself back together again. 1029 01:29:44,857 --> 01:29:48,054 Drink it! 1030 01:29:48,127 --> 01:29:50,926 - Drink it. Drink it! - Drink it! 1031 01:29:52,966 --> 01:29:55,526 Drink it! Drink it! 1032 01:29:57,704 --> 01:30:00,264 You have to! 1033 01:30:00,340 --> 01:30:02,968 We need you! 1034 01:30:07,881 --> 01:30:10,111 I'm sorry, dears. 1035 01:30:10,183 --> 01:30:12,880 You're on your own. 1036 01:30:52,362 --> 01:30:54,296 So... 1037 01:30:54,364 --> 01:30:56,855 are you gonna be done soon or what? 1038 01:30:58,601 --> 01:31:03,595 Oh, yes! I'm gonna be done very soon. 1039 01:31:08,344 --> 01:31:11,439 That was pretty neat. 1040 01:31:44,850 --> 01:31:47,978 It'd be better for both of you to get him back. 1041 01:31:48,053 --> 01:31:52,115 - Yes? - Nothing. It's too late. He got away. 1042 01:31:52,191 --> 01:31:54,455 - Damn! - I said we should go to the airport! 1043 01:31:54,527 --> 01:31:57,189 - You said no such thing. - I knew he wasn't coming back here. 1044 01:31:57,263 --> 01:32:00,460 - You have all the answers, don't you? - Ohh! Look! 1045 01:32:00,533 --> 01:32:03,502 - I'm peeling already! - Oh! 1046 01:32:03,569 --> 01:32:07,130 - Me too! - Who's gonna fix this? 1047 01:32:07,206 --> 01:32:10,004 - We're in trouble. Ernest is gone. - Uh-huh. 1048 01:32:10,076 --> 01:32:14,173 We can't go back to Lisle's. She told us to take care of our bodies. 1049 01:32:14,248 --> 01:32:17,945 - And look at us! We're dead! - Yeah! 1050 01:32:18,018 --> 01:32:20,748 This is so embarrassing. 1051 01:32:20,821 --> 01:32:25,315 You know what this is? This is simply a question of, uh, maintenance! 1052 01:32:25,392 --> 01:32:29,795 Yeah, this is upkeep. We just have to be very careful with ourselves. 1053 01:32:29,863 --> 01:32:32,196 We have to take care of each other. 1054 01:32:32,267 --> 01:32:36,294 I'll paint your ass; you paint mine. 1055 01:32:36,371 --> 01:32:38,532 - Who could have imagined? - Yeah. 1056 01:32:38,606 --> 01:32:41,336 - You and me... together. - Yeah, I know. 1057 01:32:41,409 --> 01:32:44,310 Depending on each other. 1058 01:32:44,379 --> 01:32:47,439 Painting each other's asses. 1059 01:32:47,515 --> 01:32:50,815 - Day and night. - Oh, yeah. Forever. 1060 01:32:50,886 --> 01:32:54,456 Forever. 1061 01:33:01,530 --> 01:33:04,897 We're gathered here today to honor the passing... 1062 01:33:04,967 --> 01:33:09,165 of a man of courage and of vision. 1063 01:33:09,238 --> 01:33:14,142 Now, Dr. Ernest Menville always felt life begins at 50. 1064 01:33:14,210 --> 01:33:17,577 And since we know so little of Ernest before that age, 1065 01:33:17,647 --> 01:33:20,275 perhaps in his case, it's really true. 1066 01:33:20,350 --> 01:33:24,844 Because it wasn't until 50 he met his lovely wife, Claire, 1067 01:33:24,921 --> 01:33:28,618 that he had two sons and four daughters... 1068 01:33:28,692 --> 01:33:32,060 and then like a biblical patriarch... 1069 01:33:32,129 --> 01:33:34,893 began to spread his message of hope... 1070 01:33:34,965 --> 01:33:39,527 to his adopted children all around the world. 1071 01:33:39,603 --> 01:33:44,233 A brilliant academic as well as a rugged outdoorsman, 1072 01:33:44,308 --> 01:33:48,244 Dr. Menville pursued with vigor a variety of pursuits... 1073 01:33:48,312 --> 01:33:52,079 not just to attain some personal ambition... 1074 01:33:52,150 --> 01:33:55,847 but to enhance the world for us... 1075 01:33:55,921 --> 01:34:00,483 and make it a better place than he found it. 1076 01:34:00,559 --> 01:34:03,084 Oh, and that he did. 1077 01:34:03,161 --> 01:34:06,096 The Menville Marriage Counseling Clinic, 1078 01:34:06,164 --> 01:34:09,565 the Menville Center for the Study of Women, 1079 01:34:09,634 --> 01:34:15,198 and of course, Ernest's AA chapter will carry on long after his death. 1080 01:34:25,585 --> 01:34:29,521 was for him a delightful adventure. 1081 01:34:29,589 --> 01:34:34,050 Who among us never knew Ernest the prankster? Hmm? 1082 01:34:34,128 --> 01:34:36,528 Ernest the storyteller? 1083 01:34:36,597 --> 01:34:42,160 We've all heard his tall tales about the living dead in Beverly Hills. 1084 01:34:42,236 --> 01:34:47,674 - Ah, but you see-- - Oh, what? 1085 01:34:47,741 --> 01:34:52,270 - You're not crying, are you? - I'm not crying. 1086 01:34:52,347 --> 01:34:56,147 I have... something in my eye. 1087 01:35:00,054 --> 01:35:02,852 - Oh! - Yech! 1088 01:35:02,924 --> 01:35:06,189 Oh! Do you have that number 9 acrylic? 1089 01:35:06,261 --> 01:35:08,786 Look. I put it in your bag. 1090 01:35:08,863 --> 01:35:10,991 - Oh! - I must have dropped it somewhere. 1091 01:35:11,066 --> 01:35:14,593 - No. I put it in your bag! - Well. 1092 01:35:14,670 --> 01:35:17,503 Who could drop a big can of spray paint for God's sake? 1093 01:35:17,573 --> 01:35:21,134 I had it when we left the car, okay? 1094 01:35:21,210 --> 01:35:23,838 Let's get the hell outta here. 1095 01:35:23,913 --> 01:35:29,078 I, for one, honestly believe this teacher, this benefactor, 1096 01:35:29,151 --> 01:35:34,146 this man, had in his own way... 1097 01:35:34,224 --> 01:35:38,627 learned the secret of eternal life. 1098 01:35:40,797 --> 01:35:46,702 And it's here, among us, in the hearts of his friends. 1099 01:35:46,770 --> 01:35:51,674 And the secret of eternal youth right here... 1100 01:35:51,742 --> 01:35:56,736 in the lives of his children and his grandchildren. 1101 01:35:56,814 --> 01:36:01,114 It is my opinion that our beloved Ernest... 1102 01:36:01,185 --> 01:36:04,951 is one man who will indeed... 1103 01:36:05,022 --> 01:36:09,652 live forever. 1104 01:36:09,727 --> 01:36:13,255 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 1105 01:36:13,332 --> 01:36:16,028 What'd you do with that spray paint can? 1106 01:36:16,101 --> 01:36:19,537 Come on. Get off that. Let me see what kind of a mess you've made of yourself. 1107 01:36:22,341 --> 01:36:24,332 Oh, yeah, you're all runny. 1108 01:36:24,409 --> 01:36:28,539 - I must look ridiculous. - No, I don't think anyone will notice. 1109 01:36:28,614 --> 01:36:31,675 But I think you're gonna need a little bondo on the chin, babe. 1110 01:36:31,751 --> 01:36:34,345 - I gotta get to the hardware store. - Oh, now, come on! 1111 01:36:34,420 --> 01:36:36,615 How could you have lost an entire can of spray paint? 1112 01:36:36,689 --> 01:36:39,715 Why do I have to carry everything? You get to carry a baby purse. 1113 01:36:39,792 --> 01:36:42,192 - Where did you see it last? - If I knew, I'd know where it was. 1114 01:36:42,262 --> 01:36:45,288 - An entire can of spray paint. - Get off it! 1115 01:36:45,365 --> 01:36:47,890 Has that ever worked? When you ask me where I last saw something? 1116 01:36:47,967 --> 01:36:50,869 Yes. When you lost your index finger. 1117 01:36:50,938 --> 01:36:54,396 - I didn't lose it. It broke off. - That's because you crack-- 1118 01:36:56,710 --> 01:37:00,111 Help me! My legs aren't working! Help me! 1119 01:37:31,847 --> 01:37:35,684 Do you remember where you parked the car?