1 00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:07,671 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 2 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:12,253 Okay! All right, ladies and gentlemen, the final votes for tonight. 3 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,508 Governor Calhoun, 420. 4 00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:17,682 Congressman Ryan, 453. 5 00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:22,263 Senator Talbot, 1, 785. 6 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,188 Boo! 7 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,357 President Meyer, 1,817. 8 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,105 No candidate has secured 9 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:34,032 a delegate majority of 2,368, so, we have no nominee. 10 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:35,858 - Did we win? - Oh, yeah. 11 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,366 I'm the president, and you're the First Lady. 12 00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:39,536 Oh, we would crush it. 13 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:43,287 And it seems, we have ourselves a deadlocked convention, 14 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,164 the first since 1952. 15 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,917 Senator Talbot has indeed made a miraculous comeback. 16 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,123 You know, it's worse having to hear it from Mike. 17 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,753 Furlong wants to see all the candidates 18 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,129 for a late-night pow-wow. 19 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,961 - Uh, no offense, Marjorie. - Some offense. 20 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,921 You know, Mom, you need to tell the party 21 00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,826 that they never should have held the convention... 22 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:00,307 - Oh, my God. - ...in North Carolina. 23 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,761 Their bathroom bill is an absolute disgrace. 24 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:05,096 Guys, who gives a shit where people shit? 25 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,352 That is literally the point, Mother. 26 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:10,480 Okay, then we agree. Right? Shut up. 27 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,063 All right, we have to get in touch with all the floor whips. 28 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,217 - Right, okay, great. - We have to make sure 29 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,241 - our delegates hold. - I'll whip the whips, ma'am. 30 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,072 You know, the Chinese are ready to fix... 31 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,931 - (ALL EXCLAIMING) - ...this whole damn election 32 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:20,955 if I can be the nominee. 33 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,279 - I'm not here. Not hearing this. - No, that is the plan. 34 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,954 (SIRENS WAILING) 35 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,093 - How you doin' there, John? - Outstanding, ma'am. 36 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,589 Ah, that's my hero. 37 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,825 And keep on getting it out there that I plan on choosing 38 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,326 - Governor DeVito as my Veep. - Right. 39 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,620 'Cause, you know, we might get a few more delegates out of this. 40 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,933 - Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic... - Oh, my God, is that still a thing? 41 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:48,811 Two-time Ohio governor, 18 Electoral College votes. 42 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:52,018 Yeah, most importantly, he has a penis. Right, Governor? 43 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,236 I'm still with you, ma'am! 44 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,736 "Till the end," like we used to say back in Iraq. 45 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,532 Might want to double-check that penis. 46 00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,619 That's Kent's job. 47 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,223 JONAH: Mr. Chairman, I would just like to point out 48 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,864 that the official count cannot be trusted. 49 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,915 Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck. 50 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,039 You are not gonna desecrate my convention 51 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,496 with more of this Muslim math nonsense. 52 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:14,754 How do you explain that when I add up my delegates 53 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,005 - with Christian math... - Amen. 54 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,157 ...the number is quite different than the official total? 55 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,825 Because you were born with three umbilical cords 56 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:21,849 wrapped around your neck, 57 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:23,845 - Hep C Kevin McHale. - JONAH: No, I wasn't. 58 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:26,268 - My apologies, Mr. Chairman. - Madam President. 59 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,096 SELINA: What is Leon doing with her? 60 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,271 Installing cameras 61 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,350 - in all her closets and bathrooms. - Right. 62 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:33,605 So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way 63 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,688 to steal the nomination from me, like she stole South Carolina? 64 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:41,197 Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator. 65 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,575 Oh, well, there it is, that casual Meyer attitude 66 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,203 towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband. 67 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,158 - Ex-husband. - Step-husband. 68 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,835 If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, 69 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,538 you have no business being president. 70 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,432 - Oh, is that how you feel? - Yes! Am I right? 71 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,545 (ALL CLAMORING) 72 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,877 Hey! Hey! All right! 73 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,508 Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major 74 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:05,512 is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast 75 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,218 whose daddy fucked with her just enough 76 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,725 that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum. 77 00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:12,102 Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger, 78 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,899 minus the big-titted part. 79 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,772 We've never had a complaint, have we? 80 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:19,321 But if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention 81 00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,525 lickity-fuckin'- split, we are gonna wind up 82 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,075 with four more years of Montez 83 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,494 clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons. 84 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,500 - That's not a problem for us. - Okay, it's fine. 85 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,407 Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? 86 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,335 None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. 87 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,879 So, it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms 88 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,605 and pinching nipples. And what else, Will? 89 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,382 And may the best man win. 90 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:42,462 And may the hairiest man zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate 91 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,720 and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, 92 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,954 - in that order, at his leisure. - ROGER: (LAUGHS) Beautiful. 93 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,391 Well done, pig. Dismissed. 94 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,392 Selina, you got a minute? 95 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:53,848 Roger, I don't want to hear it. 96 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,650 Selina, we need a ticket. Just offer her Veep. 97 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,854 You and Kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket 98 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,483 is gonna make everyone rock hard. 99 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,110 I don't need her, okay? 100 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,032 I've got the diving bell and the governor. 101 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,360 - Come on. - Just make the deal! 102 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:06,615 Or what's gonna happen, Will? 103 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,823 Shit, Will left. It was a good one. 104 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,657 Sorry to miss that. 105 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,414 - Ma'am. - Oh, God. Go away, Amy. Really. 106 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:14,710 Your voice is like a crow. 107 00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:17,455 - But ma'am, I just want to discuss... - No! I just cannot... 108 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:21,293 There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration. 109 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,298 Or anywhere in the universe 110 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,188 where the building blocks of life are present. 111 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,257 Okay? I'll be right back. 112 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,637 - Uh, caballeros. - Caballeros! 113 00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:32,266 - Do you wanna close the thing? - BEN: Nice try, Amy. 114 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:33,416 Ben, we've already got Florida. 115 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,792 - Amy? Amy? - We've got a butt-load of delegates. 116 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:37,399 Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema. 117 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:40,194 So, fuck your offer, and fuck you. 118 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,800 - It's always good to see ya, Amy. - You, too. I miss you guys. 119 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:45,032 AMY: Keith, you havin' fun? KEITH: Yes, thank you. 120 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,575 AMY: Okay, well, I have to go. 121 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,493 (APPLAUSE) 122 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:51,323 Thank you! Oh... I hope I can count on your support. 123 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,810 What are they clapping like that for? 124 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:53,870 Congratulations, ma'am. 125 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,543 You just broke North Carolina's transgender bathroom law. 126 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,630 SELINA: What? 127 00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,502 DAN: I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard. 128 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,504 The keynote speech was such a hit. 129 00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:05,507 New York Times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis. 130 00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,554 Amazing speech last night, Governor Splett. 131 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,535 - Thank you. Thank you. - What state are you a delegate from? 132 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,176 - The Ukraine. - A Wisconsin sister state. 133 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,830 Can I get a photo with you, please, now? 134 00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,575 - Sure. - Absolutely not. Thank you, though. 135 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,084 How about I get one of you two? Sound good? 136 00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,394 - Oh, yes. - No, no, that's fine. 137 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,087 So sorry your wife couldn't make the convention, Congressman. 138 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,339 - We have to go. Let's go. Come on. - Good seeing you. 139 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,363 Enjoy the convention. 140 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:26,111 Morning, ma'am. Some disturbing rumblings from Justice... 141 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,243 Oh, I'm sorry. 142 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,785 What? It's Okay, Ben. You've seen behind the curtain. 143 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:32,016 My source tells me that Kemi's been kicking up some dirt 144 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,040 on the Meyer Fund. 145 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:36,117 - Oh, come... Well, that's Leon. - I don't know. 146 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:39,124 Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them? 147 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,921 - Lip time. Let's do lips. - No, no, no. 148 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,624 I want to save the Dubonnet for when I get the nomination. 149 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,335 Okay? 'Cause it's discontinued. I'm wearing this now. 150 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:47,949 There's a simple solution for this, okay? 151 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,306 - What? - Just ask Kemi to be your Veep. 152 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,930 I cannot stand her! 153 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,477 And I don't say that about a lot of people. 154 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,772 Plus, she called me a criminal last night. 155 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,145 Kent and I were up all night doing the numbers... 156 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:03,569 You know, in the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, 157 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:06,523 - I would rather cheese-grater my clit. - Okay. 158 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,699 - So, we'll put a pin in that. - That, too. 159 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:11,198 Morning. Mom, you're a regular bathroom warrior. 160 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,029 - Oh, really? - We're very proud of you 161 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,830 for standing up for the trans community. 162 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:18,626 Thank you, Peppermint Patty, but you're not a... 163 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,045 - Oh, no, ma'am. I'm a cis woman. - Right. 164 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,839 - That's not a crazy question to ask. - Not at all. 165 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:28,010 You and your gay pals can make me the grand marshal 166 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:31,214 of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic. 167 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:33,891 Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men 168 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,343 have any natural affinity. 169 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,475 As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein was physically disgusted 170 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,272 - by male homosexuals. - Excuse me? 171 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,065 How'd she feel about tedious lesbians? 172 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,152 Big fan, ma'am. 173 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,524 So, how's the piss heard around the world 174 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:50,904 playing with all the delegates? 175 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:54,362 Ma'am, the NYPD found a van full of explosives at Kennedy Airport. 176 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,448 This is why everyone should just fly private. 177 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,519 You've been completely knocked out of the news cycle. 178 00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,624 SELINA: Oh, God. 179 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,579 Ma'am, Governor DeVito is here to speak with you about his speech. 180 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:05,255 Okay, great! (CHUCKLES) John-boy! 181 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,343 Johnny? 182 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,300 GARY: Hmm. 183 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:10,763 SELINA: Is he... 184 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,256 Ah! And there he is! 185 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,467 - Governor DeVito. - SELINA: Yes. My running mate. 186 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,552 Well, not literally, of course, but... 187 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,184 Did you get a chance to review my nominating speech? 188 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,185 I did, and I have to tell you something. 189 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,732 It is a delight. 190 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,258 - I wouldn't change a word. Right, Ben? - Awesome. Absolutely. 191 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:29,155 So, I'm gonna actually talk to Kent about some numbers. 192 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,927 - Kent. - The president, she loved your speech. 193 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,910 Especially the line "There are really three Americas." 194 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,406 I'm so glad you responded to that. 195 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,329 She's gonna use that in her speech. 196 00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:39,077 Pretend to talk to me about numbers. 197 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,454 The most compelling number to me is not a number at all, 198 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,456 - it's a concept. - I said pretend, okay? 199 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:45,959 I was pretending. My favorite number is Euler's number. 200 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,289 She's also gonna take the line, 201 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:49,459 "No matter what, I will always stand for America." 202 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,669 - That's a reference to my leg. - She'll tweak it. 203 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,199 Okay. So, are we good, then? Everything cool? 204 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,805 - Great. All set. - Okay. Fantastic. 205 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:56,223 Thank you so much for coming. 206 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,222 Really. Honestly. Bye-bye. Take care. 207 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,764 So good seein' ya. 208 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,190 Take good care. 209 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,442 - Madam President. - Yeah, yeah. 210 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,191 We're still good on the Veep slot, right? 211 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,146 Oh, yeah, 100%. You're my Veep. 212 00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,608 - All right. - (CHUCKLES) Great. 213 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:15,902 See you soon. 214 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:21,032 - (DOOR CLOSES) - I want to offer Buddy Calhoun Veep. 215 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:22,478 - Okay. - 'Cause with his delegates 216 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,414 and all that Bible-y BS, 217 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,440 the rest of the delegates'll have to fall in line, 218 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:29,502 and Kemi can go and suck lecture-circuit dick in hell. 219 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,254 And by "hell," I mean The Kennedy School. 220 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,630 - Hey, ma'am. - SELINA: Yeah. 221 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,241 The floor whips are picking up a rumor 222 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,297 that Buddy is flirting with endorsing Kemi. 223 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,191 Oh, please. Buddy's not flirting with anything 224 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,430 that's not wearing a leather vest and a Nazi cap. 225 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,520 Hey, guys. 226 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,221 God created men's rooms and women's rooms, 227 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,931 not "everyone rooms". 228 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,109 I don't think Buddy's gonna be taking your Veep slot. 229 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,560 I don't want to go into a bathroom 230 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:52,271 and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals. 231 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,607 I want that person that I'm next to, 232 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,909 to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men. 233 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:59,157 Glory, glory, hole-elujah. 234 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,955 Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun is joining forces with Kemi... 235 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,811 - We've gotta call Kemi right away. - SELINA: No! 236 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,578 Not her! We're gonna call Amy... 237 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,287 - BEN: Brookheimer. - Brookheimer. 238 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:10,776 JONAH: What are you guys doing here? 239 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,820 You here to see me get interviewed by Mike on CBS News? 240 00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,836 Oh, I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush. 241 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,966 I've gotta go be interviewed by Mike on CBS. 242 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,451 Guess that means you've been bumped. 243 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,161 Although, you know what? ABC News is doing a piece 244 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:22,643 on presidential also-rans who can almost suck their own dicks. 245 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,498 So, while you're in makeup, why don't you go talk to them? 246 00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:25,888 Oh, like you've never tried. 247 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,043 I'm probably gonna need that mic. 248 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,231 You came to the convention as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa, 249 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,358 but after your electrifying speech just two nights ago, 250 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,737 party insiders are calling you Richard Splett, "future of the party." 251 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,679 Honestly, I'm glad that what I said resonated with folks. 252 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,616 Plus, it gave me a chance to break out my ASL skills. 253 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:45,325 You know, for the deaf American delegates. 254 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,751 Yeah. All right, let's talk turkey, Governor. 255 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,829 - Wonderful pets. - What about all these rumors 256 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,040 that Senator Talbot is talking to you 257 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,216 about a position in her administration? 258 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:57,636 When you listen to rumors, you rue more than... 259 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,366 Nope. I don't know where I was going with that. 260 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,926 Works in sign language. 261 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,219 Very cagey. Jane, back to you. 262 00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,046 - All clear! - Thanks for having me. 263 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,273 Richard, that was fantastic. Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you. 264 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,170 Twenty-five Things That No One Knows About You. 265 00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:12,685 Well, number one is, I love lists. 266 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,190 - Oh, Dan! - Oh, hey, man. 267 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,987 - What kind of suit is that? - Uh... 268 00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,190 Hugo Boss? (SCOFFS) 269 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,946 - What's wrong with the suit? - Oh, it's not network. 270 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,571 WOMAN: Hello, fellow Americans! 271 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,184 - Ma'am. You wanted to see me? - SELINA: Ben. Move. 272 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:28,201 Amy, we've been working together a really long time, 273 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,752 it just occurred to me, and you've always been kind of like... 274 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,455 - Daughter? - ...a sister to me. 275 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:33,756 More like a childless aunt. 276 00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:36,153 I just thought for old times' sake, I might throw you a bone. 277 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:40,387 Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr. Moreau 278 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,591 to back me on the second ballot tonight, 279 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,849 and we might be able to find something for him at... 280 00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:50,648 Ben? Where can he do the least amount of harm? 281 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,310 - EPA. - Perfect. 282 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,441 (LAUGHING) 283 00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,781 What is happening? 284 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,360 - Was she always like this? - It used to be worse. 285 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:03,910 You haven't heard. 286 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,158 I haven't heard what, Amy? 287 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:06,784 Oh, shit. 288 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,663 The suspect in the JFK bombing 289 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:13,917 is one Mr. Abdul Azeem, a high school mathematics teacher 290 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,841 whose Facebook page is all about radical Islam 291 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:19,794 - and trigonometry. - So are a lot of people's. 292 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:20,888 Move. Move! 293 00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:24,215 ...Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra and eighth grade trigonometry... 294 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,017 Jonah was right. 295 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:30,267 He was spectacularly right! 296 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,393 And you know what that makes me, sister? 297 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,190 - Spitty? - The campaign manager 298 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:37,441 for the next President of the United States! 299 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:41,524 So, if you want to discuss potential opportunities for yourself 300 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:44,031 in the Ryan administration, 301 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,454 maybe I'll throw you a bone. 302 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:52,709 - Ma'am, this is bad. - I know. 303 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,457 Do you want me to take care of Amy? 304 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:59,250 For the last year, I have been crisscrossing the country, 305 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:03,679 warning America about the threat of math to our way of life. 306 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,178 - MAN: Yeah! - Which is why, "President Meyer, 307 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:09,055 Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun," 308 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,137 I have something to say to you. 309 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,563 I told you so! 310 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,606 - He told you so! - Yeah! 311 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:15,808 Oh, hey... 312 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,189 Do you remember my five-alarm hottie of a wife, Beth? 313 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,020 She just got out of rehab today. 314 00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:22,606 Yeah! And plus, while she was in there, 315 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,987 she dropped a couple pounds in all the right places, 316 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,661 so, she's hella even hotter than she was before. 317 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,455 - MAN 2: Kill her! - Yeah! I mean, not her, man, 318 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,248 but yeah, sure. 319 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,078 Look, I love America, 320 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,834 but it is time to face facts. 321 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:41,091 This is a horrific country that is falling apart 322 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,965 because it is full of people who are different than me. 323 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:45,717 I was right! 324 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,094 And that means I should be president! 325 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,346 - Thank you! Thank you! - (CHEERING) 326 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:54,976 That is 34 more delegates from Selina and 17 from Kemi. 327 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,228 - We have Florida... - JONAH: That's right, guys, 328 00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:01,153 next stop, the White House, and then it's payback time! 329 00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,071 - Mom! - Hi, Clay! 330 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,819 - She's out? - Oh, no, I'm all better. 331 00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,445 - Hi, Beth. - Oh, hi, Amber. 332 00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,949 We just got denounced by the ACLU. 333 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:12,076 We are going to win this thing! 334 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:15,079 - Yes! - Jonie, my boy! 335 00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:16,376 - Fuck me! - We did it! 336 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,626 Ever since you were little, I've been telling your mom, 337 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,379 "Someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours 338 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,255 "is gonna do great things!" 339 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,962 I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester 340 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,718 and use the money to get her tubes tied. 341 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:29,969 Eh, we're family. 342 00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,346 Come here, you! 343 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,396 You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling I'm having right now. 344 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:38,724 I can't remember it. It sounds like three Germans cumming real hard 345 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,605 inside something that doesn't want them to. 346 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,403 Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language. 347 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:47,199 That's not the only reason I'm here. I come bearing gifts! 348 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:51,245 New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours! 349 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,867 JONAH: Thank you, Uncle Jeff! 350 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,199 BETH: Oh, my God, baby. JEFF: Get me Vermont. 351 00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,707 - God, yes! This is Jeff Kane. Mmm-hmm. - I think I can sweet-talk them. 352 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,879 Yeah, Jeff Kane. Who am I speaking with? 353 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,131 Oh, how's your dad? 354 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:04,549 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 355 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,171 Okay, shut the fuck up! 356 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,595 Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes! 357 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,764 You better back Jonah on the next ballot, 358 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,341 or you will be leaf-peeping 359 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:15,928 from inside your own maple syrup-soaked assholes! 360 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,599 I'll give 'em five minutes, then I'll hit 'em with bad cop. 361 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,776 They're calling it Ryan Fever. 362 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,980 The former congressman's message is finding a new audience... 363 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,738 Assemblyman, I have been to Buffalo six times, 364 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,614 and I'm not even a serial killer. 365 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,570 So I... Okay, forget it. 366 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:35,872 - Ma'am. Ma'am. - What? What? 367 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,824 The captain of the Texas delegation 368 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:42,254 says that all of his bum steers are stampeding towards Jonah! 369 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,734 - No. - No, no. We cannot lose Texas. 370 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,124 - No. - Texas is our firewall! 371 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,461 Right, whoa, listen, Ben, you gotta go back to Texas right now, okay? 372 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,389 And just tell 'em they can violate me with their assault rifles 373 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:53,966 and a full slab of ribs 374 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:57,349 on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks. 375 00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,499 - You gotta go do that, Ben. - Yeah. 376 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,515 - Go do that right now. - Texas is our firewall. 377 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,044 - SELINA: Yeah, do it. - Ma'am. Ma'am? 378 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,545 - SELINA: Yeah, what is it? - You need to see this. 379 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,856 KEMI: We never got proper answers 380 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:08,530 about the Meyer Fund or its many foreign donors. 381 00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:10,198 - This is Leon. - That is why I've asked 382 00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:11,741 the Justice Department and the FBI 383 00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,411 - to reopen its investigation. - Oh, my God. 384 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,160 The president was in close contact with her husband Andrew Meyer... 385 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,250 SELINA: The FBI? 386 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:19,770 ...up until his extremely suspicious death. 387 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:23,253 Why is this so hard? 388 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,294 I just wanna be president. 389 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,168 Do you want six almonds? 390 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,503 No! 391 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:35,098 This, Kent, is why I was right not to offer her Veep. 392 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,471 - She's the worst. - Yeah. 393 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,394 Ma'am, all due respect, 394 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,644 maybe you should consider being her Veep. 395 00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,144 That's not fucking funny, Kent. 396 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,571 I haven't been funny since 1987. 397 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,990 - WILL: Uh, Ma'am? - What? 398 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:53,612 Adios, New Mexico. 399 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,035 (GROANS) 400 00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,163 (PANTING) 401 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,391 - Oh, hey, Ben. - Out of my way. 402 00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,415 Sorry. Captain. 403 00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,991 - Jesus. - At least he's getting some exercise. 404 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,793 Oh, yes! (CHUCKLES) Politico's reporting 405 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,150 that Jonah's talking to you about the Secretary of Commerce. 406 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,712 I wish. Sounds much better than the conversation we were having 407 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,212 about why his urine is pink. 408 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,303 We ruled out beets 409 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,448 because he doesn't know what those are. 410 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,575 Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason. 411 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:16,966 Richard, look, there was no offer, okay? 412 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,472 It was me, all right? I pulled that turd out of my ass, 413 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,415 covered it in ketchup, and Politico asked for seconds. 414 00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:22,749 You could've ended that sentence at "me." 415 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:23,876 All right, listen, one thing is clear 416 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,983 after this runaway-Ferris wheel of a convention, 417 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,748 and that's that Montez is gonna be president for another four years. 418 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,966 Makes sense. She made me proud to be an American again. 419 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,277 Okay, but after that, it's Splett time. 420 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,653 We can't call it that 421 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,827 unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast. 422 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:41,499 No, Senator, this whole Meyer Fund story is a distraction, sir, 423 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,668 the way a magician does tricks to distract you 424 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,371 from how depressing his life is. 425 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,548 - And I'm gonna... I'll call you back. - I... 426 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,092 - So, what'd you find out? - (BABBLING) 427 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,545 - What? - Ajai... Ajai... 428 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,005 "Ajai"? 429 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,076 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's having a heart attack! 430 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,183 - Eighth time's the charm. - Oh, my God! 431 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,851 Stay here with us, Ben! 432 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,897 I don't know the names of any of the floor whips. 433 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,723 We need EMTs up at the Meyer box, stat. 434 00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:09,981 White male, type 2 diabetes... also type 1. 435 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,673 Ma'am, there's something happening out on the floor. 436 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,634 Ma'am, there's something happening on the floor you need to see. 437 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,886 GARY: I'm gonna roll you over, Ben. I'm gonna roll you over. 438 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,196 No, no! No. 439 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,407 - What? - Just look down there. 440 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,017 - (CHANTING) Draft Tom James! - (GASPS) 441 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,161 You know, I just want to say, 442 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,494 I was roadkill on the side of the political highway. 443 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,623 (ALL LAUGH) 444 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,875 One of the nice things about being dead is, 445 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,582 it gives you time to think. 446 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,588 Also, fewer telemarketers. 447 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:34,885 (ALL LAUGHING) 448 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,553 But I thought, and I thought 449 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:39,222 that I don't like the direction our party is taking. 450 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:41,846 Maybe the reason we can't find a nominee is, 451 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:44,349 everyone's just saying the same old same-old. 452 00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,771 - MAN: Run, Tom, run! - (CHANTING) Run, Tom, run! Run... 453 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,644 What do you think I'm trying to do? 454 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,976 Powerful words from Tom James. 455 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,936 Let's go now to Michael McLintock 456 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,397 on the convention floor with Senator Tom James, 457 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,780 whose potential Hail Mary is gaining steam. 458 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,197 I'm reading the wrong card. 459 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,454 NEWS ANCHOR: Many now say Tom James is the only answer they'll accept 460 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,581 as the brokered convention drags on. 461 00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:11,459 I honestly think I might be in hell. 462 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,609 KENT: No such place, ma'am. 463 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,545 The concept of hell is a cultural memory 464 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:18,379 of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice among proto-Judean peoples. 465 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:21,215 - You're making a strong case for hell. - Tom played it perfectly. 466 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:24,268 He'll clinch the nomination on tomorrow night's ballot. 467 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,973 - (KNOCKS) - Knock, knock. 468 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,438 Take State. 469 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,140 Senator. 470 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,567 - Here to rub it in, Tom? - No rubbing. 471 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:34,690 Gary. Get. 472 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,440 No, I just came by to see how Ben was. 473 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,366 My first congressional race. 474 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,740 Ben can't have been more than 140 years old. 475 00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,822 He ran the other guy, wiped the floor with me. 476 00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,454 Well, they may have to put him in a medically induced coma, so... 477 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:49,785 It's what he always wanted. 478 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,415 All right, let's go. 479 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:52,505 Start your gloating, 480 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:55,583 make whatever insulting offer it is you're gonna make. 481 00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:56,987 I didn't come here to make an offer. 482 00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:58,593 I don't have the patience for this. 483 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,240 All right? And I'm certainly not gonna beg. 484 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,847 I'm not asking you to beg. There's nothing to beg for. 485 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,266 You don't have a political future, Selina. 486 00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,390 That is your punishment. 487 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,973 Punishment? What are you talking about? 488 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,650 I have people who like me, lots of people with signs, 489 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:16,103 "New Selina Now," that is working. That... 490 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,359 The party and the nation will never forget 491 00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:20,486 all that door you pushed open, 492 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:24,365 yes, backwards and in heels. 493 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:25,662 Hang in there. 494 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:30,576 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. 495 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,412 Please, come on. If... 496 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:37,750 Tom, when we're not the worst team ever, 497 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,800 we make a really good team! 498 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:40,887 Please! 499 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,052 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 500 00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,255 Oh, Madam President. 501 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,636 Senator, the New York delegation is on the phone. 502 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:47,433 Well, it's been fun. 503 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,230 Let's do this again at Ben's next cardiopulmonary event. 504 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,936 I'll wave at you from the stage. 505 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,312 Yeah, well, that was gloating. 506 00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:57,065 - A little bit. - Yeah. 507 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:02,616 Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face. 508 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,840 (SIGHS) 509 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:20,967 (BEN GROANS) 510 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,133 I could use a drink. 511 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,465 Yeah. Me, too. 512 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:28,551 (SIGHS) 513 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:30,135 Tom James. 514 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,972 Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot. 515 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,852 I think this is it for me, too. 516 00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:37,480 Oh, no. You're gonna be fine. 517 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,482 You're gonna be good as new, 518 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,905 and then we'll figure out my next move. 519 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,859 You know, I've had a dozen heart attacks, and... 520 00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:48,116 You know, if I play my cards right, I'll have a dozen more, 521 00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:50,413 but I think this is my last rodeo. 522 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:53,992 No, Ben! You're my hatchet man. 523 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:58,919 You're the hatchet man. I need you. 524 00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,884 (SOBBING) How can I do this without you? 525 00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,927 Don't be an idiot, Selina. 526 00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:08,594 You know exactly what to do. 527 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:09,684 No. 528 00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:13,438 Yeah. 529 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:14,814 Yeah. 530 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,689 Okay. 531 00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:22,028 (SOBBING) 532 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:26,533 Hey, do me a favor. 533 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,700 (SNIFFLING) 534 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:28,868 What? 535 00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:33,123 Don't tell my wife and kids, okay? 536 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:34,916 I mean, I could really use the break. 537 00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:38,207 That's not a problem. I've never met 'em. 538 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,466 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 539 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,562 Ma'am. 540 00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:57,732 Okay. 541 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,858 Tom's making a move on New York, 542 00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:04,655 so, you get ahold of Governor Schnozzlestein right now, 543 00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,402 you tell him I want to see him tonight. 544 00:22:06,492 --> 00:22:08,279 I'm not gonna let them take this from me. 545 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:09,860 - Mmm. - Okay? Go. 546 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:12,997 (CHUCKLES) Okay. 547 00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:17,660 Can't say I blame you. 548 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:21,588 I mean, that Nutmeg State indefinable really turns my hydrant on. 549 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,040 The only difference is, 550 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:26,251 that I was the most exciting conquest of his life, 551 00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:29,463 and you just had the motel room closest to the ice machine. 552 00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,077 I don't know what you're talking about, 553 00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:32,577 because I am the Senator's chief of staff. 554 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,058 Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now, 555 00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:36,978 but trust me, he will never see you 556 00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:41,024 as anything other than the TGI Friday's hostess on Proactiv 557 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:43,727 who lets him bend you over his desk, 558 00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:47,110 while you close your eyes to avoid coming face-to-face 559 00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:50,317 with that framed photo of his family's trip to Aspen, 560 00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:54,075 while he drowns your Little Mermaid back tat 561 00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:56,497 in a pool of jizz 562 00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,246 and admires his own reflection. 563 00:22:58,335 --> 00:22:59,871 - Jesus. - Wow. 564 00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,078 I just hate to see smart women 565 00:23:02,172 --> 00:23:05,461 throw away their political careers on powerful men 566 00:23:05,551 --> 00:23:08,669 who only see them as the gash of least resistance. 567 00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:11,556 GARY: Mmm. 568 00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:17,969 I mean, you strike me as a smart woman. 569 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:19,304 Are you? 570 00:23:20,190 --> 00:23:21,351 Yeah, well... 571 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:26,102 New York is in the bag. 572 00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:29,443 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 573 00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,525 Congressman, how do you take your coffee? 574 00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,360 - Decaf. - Okay. 575 00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:34,653 No? 576 00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:37,080 Yup. Here we go. 577 00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:39,749 So, Congressman, tell me something. 578 00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:42,999 What can we offer up to the Montana delegation 579 00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:44,670 that would really dick-slap 'em? 580 00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:46,067 And I mean that in a good way, of course. 581 00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:48,111 - (INDISTINCT ARGUMENTS OUTSIDE) - And I'll tell you something else. 582 00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:49,171 Where is she? 583 00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:51,462 You fucking monster! 584 00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:54,889 - Excuse me for half a sec. - You soulless, conniving cunt! 585 00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:57,968 Oh, I don't know what you're talking about. 586 00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:01,021 Oh, unless it's this, right here? 587 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,644 The moment I began working for Senator James, 588 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:07,648 his behavior was unprofessional in a sexual manner. 589 00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:10,025 - Is that the problem? - Fuck! 590 00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:12,198 Senator James took advantage of his power over me. 591 00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:13,616 TOM: He did what? 592 00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:16,410 I had to endure sex acts that included... 593 00:24:16,497 --> 00:24:18,079 Yeah, it's so great. 594 00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:20,623 - What did you offer her? - I didn't offer her anything. 595 00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,575 I mean, I helped her with the wording. 596 00:24:22,670 --> 00:24:24,206 - Oh, this... Fuck! - Shh! No, look. 597 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:25,941 This is my favorite part right here, actually. 598 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:29,925 I was just this naive, innocent young woman who had dreams... 599 00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:33,594 "Innocent young woman." (LAUGHS) That's hilarious, don't you think? 600 00:24:33,681 --> 00:24:37,345 But that girl doesn't exist anymore. She's dead. 601 00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:39,141 - Murdered by Tom James. - Oh, yeah. 602 00:24:39,228 --> 00:24:42,392 That is actually all me. I will take credit for that. 603 00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:45,315 She didn't want to do it, but I was like, "Oh, you've got to!" 604 00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:48,565 My wife, my pregnant wife, is not answering the phone. 605 00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:51,317 I am now a national fucking pariah! 606 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:52,739 Why would you do this, Selina? 607 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:56,910 I guess that the Tom James charm only goes so far with the ladies. 608 00:24:56,996 --> 00:25:00,239 That's one theory, but... Oh, listen, while I've got you. 609 00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:03,325 Is it okay if I don't wave to you from the stage? 610 00:25:03,419 --> 00:25:07,288 Because with all of this, I need to keep my distance. 611 00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:09,338 You understand that, right? Excuse me. 612 00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:12,796 I'm so sorry for that little minor interruption. 613 00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,344 What the fuck are you? 614 00:25:15,431 --> 00:25:16,592 Bye, Tom. 615 00:25:19,143 --> 00:25:20,384 Toodle-oo. 616 00:25:22,730 --> 00:25:27,145 So emotional, right? This is why we need a woman in office. 617 00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:29,521 (SELINA LAUGHS) 618 00:25:31,447 --> 00:25:34,565 So? What else do we need to talk about? 619 00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:37,947 - Federal lands. - They need to be protected. 620 00:25:38,037 --> 00:25:40,654 - We need more drilling. - For drilling purposes. 621 00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:42,284 Let's frack the crap out of it. 622 00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:45,625 SELINA: Governor Calhoun, what do I have to do to get your support? 623 00:25:45,711 --> 00:25:47,828 - President Meyer, I'm a simple man... - I see that. 624 00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:49,082 - ...of faith. - Oh. Uh-huh. 625 00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,835 But after this bathroom incident... 626 00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:53,007 That was just an accident. Really. 627 00:25:53,093 --> 00:25:55,631 - Free to pee, you and me, right? - (LAUGHING) 628 00:25:55,721 --> 00:25:58,805 Madam President, homosexuality is no laughing matter. 629 00:25:58,891 --> 00:26:01,349 - Okay. - Pernicious homosexuals are luring 630 00:26:01,435 --> 00:26:04,348 decent, God-fearing heterosexual men 631 00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:08,682 into sin and sweaty degradation. 632 00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:10,108 (INHALES DEEPLY) 633 00:26:10,194 --> 00:26:11,310 Mmm. 634 00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:14,191 You know, Buddy, I gotta tell you something. 635 00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:17,240 It... It happens, and... 636 00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:19,943 - You can't beat yourself up about it. - What? 637 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,556 Never mind. I hear what you're saying. 638 00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:22,580 Let's move forward. 639 00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:26,203 Yes. Governor, I am prepared to offer you 640 00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:27,875 Secretary of Education. 641 00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:30,540 Well, ma'am. 642 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:31,631 How about that? 643 00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:33,126 As excited as I would be 644 00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:35,425 to remove dinosaur theory from the curriculum, 645 00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:39,300 I am just a little bit uneasy about all this Meyer Fund scuttlebutt... 646 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:40,596 I'll kill gay marriage. 647 00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:43,637 In exchange for your support, 648 00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:48,472 I will raw-dog a plank right up our party's platform, 649 00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:52,980 and I will outlaw same-sex marriage. 650 00:26:53,070 --> 00:26:54,982 Governor, can I get an amen? 651 00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:57,940 You can get an amen, and I'll throw in a hallelujah. 652 00:26:58,033 --> 00:26:59,774 - I love it. - And my endorsement. 653 00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:02,110 - Thank you, sir. Wonderful! - Wow. Wow. Yeah! 654 00:27:02,204 --> 00:27:04,644 - I think we're buddies now, aren't we? - Oh, yeah, very much. 655 00:27:04,706 --> 00:27:07,039 Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex? 656 00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,960 Oh, well, under certain circumstances, yeah, we are. Yeah. 657 00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:11,953 - So, Buddy up! Buddy up! - Buddy up! 658 00:27:12,047 --> 00:27:14,960 That's a great expression. Thank you so, so much. 659 00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:18,543 He is not just gay, he is Sam Rayburn gay. 660 00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,003 Impressive negotiation, ma'am, 661 00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:23,716 but we are still approximately 662 votes short. 662 00:27:23,809 --> 00:27:25,471 - I am well aware. - Good. 663 00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:26,597 (DOOR OPENS) 664 00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:29,054 Ma'am. You wanted to see me? 665 00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:30,389 That's incorrect. 666 00:27:31,775 --> 00:27:34,267 Not in that outfit. But yeah, come on in. 667 00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:35,361 Amy, um... 668 00:27:37,948 --> 00:27:39,064 Um... 669 00:27:43,829 --> 00:27:46,537 I want to offer Jonah the VP slot. 670 00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:47,623 - What? - What? 671 00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,870 Yeah. It's the only move we have left now, 672 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,521 and we're gonna have to get it done today. 673 00:27:51,545 --> 00:27:53,958 Oh, ma'am, there are still numerous permutations 674 00:27:54,047 --> 00:27:55,775 that can play out here. You don't have to do this. 675 00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:58,507 Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy. 676 00:27:58,594 --> 00:27:59,960 Fuck the numbers! 677 00:28:00,053 --> 00:28:03,592 I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, 678 00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:06,140 that includes Jonah Ryan as Vice President! 679 00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:08,309 That is an entirely unacceptable outcome. 680 00:28:08,395 --> 00:28:11,604 Amy, you wanna talk some sense into him? 681 00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:13,807 - Don't do it. - What? 682 00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:17,645 Don't make Jonah your VP. 683 00:28:17,738 --> 00:28:19,400 Wow. You know what I just remembered? 684 00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:23,608 You are a terrible campaign manager. 685 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:26,285 Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, 686 00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:30,206 narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, 687 00:28:30,292 --> 00:28:32,033 let alone be the president. 688 00:28:32,127 --> 00:28:35,416 Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan 689 00:28:35,505 --> 00:28:37,417 in all of Washington, D.C. 690 00:28:37,507 --> 00:28:40,921 Being vice president is like being declawed, 691 00:28:41,011 --> 00:28:43,378 defanged, neutered, 692 00:28:43,472 --> 00:28:47,341 ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine 693 00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:51,018 under two miles of human shit! 694 00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:54,188 It is a fate worse than death. 695 00:28:54,274 --> 00:28:58,359 Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I got the heart and the twat 696 00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:01,688 of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal! 697 00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:04,990 - I am begging you, please... - Ma'am, entreating, 698 00:29:05,077 --> 00:29:06,757 - supplicating, beseeching... - Think of... 699 00:29:06,828 --> 00:29:09,070 Enough! 700 00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:11,743 I didn't come to North Carolina to lose. 701 00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,916 I don't even like to change planes here. 702 00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:16,745 Jonah Ryan is gonna be the vice president. You got it? 703 00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:18,398 And that's final. So, get off your knees 704 00:29:18,465 --> 00:29:22,004 and cut out this melodramatic bullshit! 705 00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:23,094 Let's go. 706 00:29:25,931 --> 00:29:29,174 - What's the rush? - Oh, hey! You're my guy! 707 00:29:31,812 --> 00:29:33,974 Okay, so, I think we know why we are here. 708 00:29:34,064 --> 00:29:35,064 Yes, ma'am. 709 00:29:35,148 --> 00:29:36,980 - Yes, we do. - I don't know why we are here. 710 00:29:37,067 --> 00:29:39,855 Me, neither. But I love meeting new people. 711 00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:44,406 She is offering you vice president, you monument to vaginal dryness. 712 00:29:49,079 --> 00:29:50,286 Well, then, no. 713 00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:52,206 I'm sorry? 714 00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:55,074 I said no. As in never. 715 00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:57,748 I will be president, or I will be nothing. 716 00:29:57,838 --> 00:30:00,080 And in fact, if I don't get the nomination, 717 00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:03,257 I might run as a third party just to fuck your shit up. 718 00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:06,802 Shut the fuck up, you gum-recessed face-anus! 719 00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:10,006 Don't you see you've just been offered the second-most powerful job 720 00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:11,216 in the world? 721 00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:13,302 No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff! 722 00:30:13,395 --> 00:30:16,138 I will not let anyone speak to me like that. 723 00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:17,938 - President or nothing? - Yeah! 724 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:19,766 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Ow! 725 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,852 - You cockless cockroach! - (ALL SHOUTING) 726 00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:24,483 You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! 727 00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:26,860 I am not shaped like a rapist! 728 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:29,613 I'm gonna hit you with my car, like I did in kindergarten! 729 00:30:29,703 --> 00:30:31,740 ...figure out what the fuck you were! 730 00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:33,162 ...with purpose and repetition! 731 00:30:33,248 --> 00:30:35,285 Okay, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ, 732 00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:38,083 I'll be vice president, just stop yelling at me! 733 00:30:38,170 --> 00:30:40,628 - All right, fine. - Crisis is now averted. 734 00:30:40,714 --> 00:30:42,706 - No. I have one condition. - Oh, shit. 735 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:45,337 - I want my best friend Richard... - No, and your only friend. 736 00:30:45,427 --> 00:30:48,795 I want Richard to be Secretary of farm shit. 737 00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:51,034 - We're gonna have to fire Dan. - We'll have to fire Dan. 738 00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,344 Why do you want to fire him? 739 00:30:52,434 --> 00:30:56,053 Uh, just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier. 740 00:30:56,146 --> 00:30:57,887 You know, feminism. 741 00:30:57,981 --> 00:30:59,722 That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks. 742 00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:01,808 Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov. 743 00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:03,880 - Oh, thank you, Sherman. - Listen, when you have a sec, 744 00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:05,089 I want to talk to you about one of 745 00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:06,424 the biggest challenges facing the country 746 00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:08,259 - in the 21st century. - Okay, sure. Tell me right now. 747 00:31:08,283 --> 00:31:10,240 Casino licenses in Macao. 748 00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:11,596 Oh, and... Did you hear that, Keith? 749 00:31:11,620 --> 00:31:13,077 - I did. - CATHERINE: How could you? 750 00:31:13,163 --> 00:31:15,746 - Okay, Macao. - Tell me that it is not true. 751 00:31:15,832 --> 00:31:18,245 Catherine, I'm right in the middle of something. 752 00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:20,998 Tell me that you did not just trade away same-sex marriage... 753 00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:22,982 Can you believe I'm having to deal with this right now? 754 00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:24,793 ...to get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement! 755 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,591 Catherine, it is just the party platform. 756 00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:30,795 It's like a to-do list of things we're not gonna do. 757 00:31:30,889 --> 00:31:32,505 "Restore faith in democracy?" 758 00:31:32,599 --> 00:31:35,307 I mean, we couldn't do that even if we wanted to. 759 00:31:35,394 --> 00:31:38,808 You cannot do this. I will never forgive you. 760 00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:41,981 Oh, well, if I had a dollar for every "Mother, I will never forgive you..." 761 00:31:42,067 --> 00:31:43,683 - Bazillionaire. - Correct. 762 00:31:43,777 --> 00:31:46,690 Now, listen, Mommy's got a lot of work to do right now, sweetie. 763 00:31:46,780 --> 00:31:49,113 I have to write the press release for my VP pick, so. 764 00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:50,815 - There you go. - Thank you very much. 765 00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:53,993 - Why is Jonah helping you? - Started from the bottom, now we here. 766 00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:55,741 - (MIMICS GUNSHOTS) - (LAUGHS) 767 00:31:57,416 --> 00:32:00,250 - Oh, my God. - Are you out of your fucking mind, 768 00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:01,667 Gram-Ma'am? 769 00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:04,040 No. Oh, my God. Okay. 770 00:32:04,131 --> 00:32:05,963 I will never forgive you for this! 771 00:32:06,049 --> 00:32:07,585 - Mmm? Yep. - Ka-ching. 772 00:32:07,676 --> 00:32:08,796 I'm sorry about that, folks. 773 00:32:08,844 --> 00:32:10,756 Awesome. Cheers, ma'am. 774 00:32:11,430 --> 00:32:14,298 MIKE: And on this history-making 11th ballot, Jane, 775 00:32:14,391 --> 00:32:17,884 it looks like the convention will finally have its nominee. 776 00:32:17,978 --> 00:32:20,095 MAN:...great State of North Carolina, 777 00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:24,023 the home of historically black Fayetteville State University, 778 00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:27,227 and historically white Duke University, 779 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,438 would like to yield to the great State of Maryland! 780 00:32:30,532 --> 00:32:32,649 WOMAN: Mr. Chairman, I move 781 00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:36,281 that Selina Meyer be selected by this convention 782 00:32:36,371 --> 00:32:40,115 by acclimation as our nominee 783 00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:43,121 - for President of the United States! - (CHEERING) 784 00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:47,255 All those in favor of nominating President Selina Meyer 785 00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:51,084 - by acclimation, say aye! - (LOUD CHEER) Aye! 786 00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:52,780 - All opposed, please say no! - (SCATTERED) No! 787 00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:54,887 The measure is adopted! 788 00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,714 (CHEERING) 789 00:32:56,850 --> 00:32:57,966 We did it! 790 00:33:03,190 --> 00:33:04,647 SELINA: I was three years old 791 00:33:04,733 --> 00:33:07,441 the first time my father put me on a horse, 792 00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:10,065 and I fell right off. 793 00:33:10,155 --> 00:33:11,817 (CROWD CHUCKLES) 794 00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:14,031 (APPLAUSE) 795 00:33:14,117 --> 00:33:17,030 They say experience is the best teacher, 796 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:20,329 and although my own daughter never learned to ride well, 797 00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,907 I've made it my mission in life to teach... 798 00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:25,334 I waited a long time for this. 799 00:33:25,420 --> 00:33:27,878 Yeah, but this Meyer Fund thing isn't going away. 800 00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:30,627 It's stickier than a red wine-and-curry dump. 801 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,042 - We can't have a damaged nominee. - I know. 802 00:33:33,136 --> 00:33:34,923 Somebody's gonna go down for this, Selina. 803 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,221 Like myself on any traveling German businessman 804 00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:39,368 - at a Dubuque Radisson breakfast... - Not now, Will! 805 00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:40,883 Read the room. 806 00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:42,617 Somebody's gotta go down for this, Selina. 807 00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:45,104 I just said I know, Roger. 808 00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:48,941 - Thank you. Thank you. - GARY: Look who I found. 809 00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:50,643 Oh, hey, John. 810 00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:55,277 Oh, yeah, so, I'm gonna take two more lines from your speech, okay? 811 00:33:55,367 --> 00:33:56,367 Here, okay? 812 00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:59,068 That's about me waking up in a hospital bed in Kabul 813 00:33:59,162 --> 00:34:01,825 - after the IED attack. - I'm... I'm gonna tweak it. 814 00:34:01,915 --> 00:34:04,373 And I'm sorry about the whole vice presidency thing, 815 00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:05,950 but I knew you'd understand. 816 00:34:06,378 --> 00:34:08,961 Oh, so, you'll probably want to cut the line 817 00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:12,211 about you being the vice president. Right? 818 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:14,292 Yeah. Okay. Let's go. 819 00:34:14,386 --> 00:34:18,551 ...and pass it on to the next generation in spades. 820 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:21,849 Over the years I may have been thrown off a few times, 821 00:34:21,935 --> 00:34:26,020 but like my daddy taught me, you always get right back on, 822 00:34:26,106 --> 00:34:28,894 - like America. - (CHEERING) 823 00:34:29,025 --> 00:34:32,439 ANNOUNCER: And now, to introduce our party's nominee... 824 00:34:33,363 --> 00:34:35,650 Right. Break a leg. 825 00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:37,732 ...John DeVito of Ohio! 826 00:34:39,452 --> 00:34:40,943 Come on, come on. 827 00:34:42,747 --> 00:34:43,747 It'd be faster 828 00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:45,198 - just to lay down and roll. - Eh. 829 00:34:45,292 --> 00:34:47,079 Hello. I'm John DeVito. 830 00:34:47,168 --> 00:34:49,000 And like the soldiers I served with, 831 00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:52,546 I'm here to talk tonight about a woman who always keeps her word. 832 00:34:52,632 --> 00:34:54,272 All right. Are you ready for the Dubonnet? 833 00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:57,050 - Hey, Gary? - Yeah, yeah. 834 00:34:57,137 --> 00:34:58,719 I need you to do something for me. 835 00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:00,525 Yeah, yeah. You got something in your teeth. 836 00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:02,048 - Hold on. Just one second. - Sorry. 837 00:35:02,142 --> 00:35:04,885 Anyway, listen, it's kind of important, actually, 838 00:35:04,978 --> 00:35:06,765 - and I would also say... - Okay, yeah. 839 00:35:07,147 --> 00:35:09,730 - That it's not easy... - Okay. 840 00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,978 And it's kinda also not fair. 841 00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:15,402 You want coffee from across the street? Yeah? 842 00:35:15,864 --> 00:35:18,447 Ah! I got it. Little chia seed. 843 00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:21,742 Nah. Never mind. Forget I ever said anything. 844 00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:25,697 - You look beautiful. - (CHUCKLES) And you are a lifesaver. 845 00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:26,906 Oh. Oh, come on. 846 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,663 Yeah. I couldn't have done it without you. 847 00:35:29,753 --> 00:35:32,370 You don't have to worry, I'm not going anywhere. 848 00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:34,358 ...the next President of the United States of America, 849 00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:36,248 Selina Meyer! 850 00:35:36,343 --> 00:35:38,585 - (APPLAUSE) - (POP MUSIC PLAYS) 851 00:35:44,684 --> 00:35:45,925 Thank you! 852 00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:48,643 Thank you! 853 00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:51,097 I am Selina Meyer, 854 00:35:51,191 --> 00:35:55,231 and I proudly accept your nomination 855 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:59,405 for President of the United States of America! 856 00:35:59,491 --> 00:36:01,699 (CHEERING) 857 00:36:02,369 --> 00:36:03,780 Even if it took a while! 858 00:36:03,870 --> 00:36:05,532 (ALL LAUGHING) 859 00:36:05,872 --> 00:36:08,364 The journey that we begin tonight 860 00:36:08,458 --> 00:36:11,417 has been many, many years in the making, 861 00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:14,462 and it all started in Kabul. 862 00:36:15,465 --> 00:36:18,253 Waking up in a 863 00:36:18,343 --> 00:36:19,834 hotel bed... 864 00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:21,760 That DeVito's a hell of a speechwriter. 865 00:36:21,846 --> 00:36:24,133 Good evening, Mr. Cafferty! 866 00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:26,136 You ready for your sponge bath? 867 00:36:26,226 --> 00:36:28,138 Ah, call me Ben. 868 00:36:28,228 --> 00:36:32,814 ...to make the world a safer, cleaner, better place! 869 00:36:32,899 --> 00:36:34,106 (CHEERING) Yeah! 870 00:36:34,192 --> 00:36:36,104 DAN: So? What did we get? 871 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:39,187 President Meyer offered me Secretary of Agriculture. 872 00:36:39,364 --> 00:36:42,653 Yes, Richard! Secretary of Swag-riculture! 873 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:46,406 Oh, my God. Yes! I'm goin' back to Washington, baby! 874 00:36:46,496 --> 00:36:48,579 - But... - No! No "buts," Richard. 875 00:36:48,665 --> 00:36:51,203 Okay? For once in your life, don't think so much, just say yes. 876 00:36:51,292 --> 00:36:53,124 - Yes. - Good man. 877 00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:55,624 But the "but" was, "But you have to fire Dan." 878 00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:58,172 - So, I guess you're fired. - What? 879 00:36:58,258 --> 00:36:59,669 Thanks for making this easy on me. 880 00:36:59,759 --> 00:37:01,045 (GROANS) 881 00:37:01,136 --> 00:37:02,422 I gotta get out of politics. 882 00:37:02,512 --> 00:37:04,782 To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway. 883 00:37:04,806 --> 00:37:09,176 Finally, I wanted to say a word about sacrifice. 884 00:37:09,269 --> 00:37:12,137 It means to lose something 885 00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,438 for the greater good. 886 00:37:15,525 --> 00:37:19,235 And when I look back on my 52 years, 887 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,690 with almost 30 of them spent in public service... 888 00:37:23,783 --> 00:37:27,697 - What's going on? - ...there is no one who has sacrificed 889 00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:29,995 more than me. 890 00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:38,421 And there's nothing anyone can do to stop me 891 00:37:38,506 --> 00:37:42,876 from standing and walking for my country! 892 00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:47,134 Thank you, and God bless America! 893 00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:49,215 (CHEERING) 894 00:37:49,309 --> 00:37:50,925 (POP MUSIC PLAYS) 895 00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:57,018 Oh, God. 896 00:37:57,108 --> 00:37:59,225 We got this. 897 00:37:59,319 --> 00:38:01,276 - We did it. We did it. - Yes. 898 00:38:21,090 --> 00:38:22,752 Wonderful! 899 00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:31,135 (EXCLAIMS) 900 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:35,052 - Congratulations, ma'am. - Thank you! 901 00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:36,586 We're going back to the White House! 902 00:38:36,648 --> 00:38:39,231 - Congratulations to you, Amy! - Thank you! 903 00:38:39,317 --> 00:38:42,025 You're gonna be Jonah's chief of staff. 904 00:38:42,111 --> 00:38:43,272 Huh? 905 00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:45,966 I don't like the way you talked to me the other day. 906 00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:47,231 Uh-huh. 907 00:38:48,159 --> 00:38:49,991 Yeah. Yeah. 908 00:38:51,079 --> 00:38:52,320 Yes! 909 00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:57,199 JONAH: (SINGING) He's a super Veep 910 00:38:57,293 --> 00:38:59,159 Super Veep, he's super Veepy 911 00:38:59,254 --> 00:39:00,335 Yow! 912 00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:01,582 Hi, Sue. 913 00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:04,777 Sue, the Vice President would like a minute with the President. 914 00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:08,340 The President told me to pencil you in to half past go-fuck-yourself. 915 00:39:08,429 --> 00:39:10,967 - Sue, when I am President... - You won't be. 916 00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:12,576 - If you want to work for me... - I don't. 917 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:15,308 Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve. 918 00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:17,182 - I am. - Sue, as Vice President 919 00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:21,016 of the United States, I order you to let me into the Oval Office! 920 00:39:22,652 --> 00:39:24,143 God damn it! 921 00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:27,758 - I'm just gonna pop my head in. - Nice to see you, Amy. 922 00:39:27,782 --> 00:39:29,114 (GRUNTS) 923 00:39:30,118 --> 00:39:32,054 MICHELLE: Ma'am, Joint Chiefs are getting a little squirrely 924 00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:34,411 about Chinese tank movements near the Tibetan border. 925 00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:35,937 Oh, my God. What a bunch of pussies. 926 00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:38,602 WILL: Ma'am, we're expecting a call from the Israeli prime minister 927 00:39:38,626 --> 00:39:40,208 about the Palestinian food riots. 928 00:39:40,295 --> 00:39:42,412 That reminds me, I'm starving. Gary! 929 00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:44,584 Oh, ma'am, Gary doesn't work here. 930 00:39:44,674 --> 00:39:46,652 I know. Why are you telling me things that I already know? 931 00:39:46,676 --> 00:39:48,087 - Sorry. Yes. - You know? 932 00:39:48,177 --> 00:39:49,321 But I would be more than happy 933 00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:50,906 to get you something to eat. What would you like? 934 00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:52,216 - You figure that out. - Okay. 935 00:39:52,307 --> 00:39:54,048 Why am I coming up with solutions for you? 936 00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:55,661 That's your job, right? That's not my job. 937 00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:56,801 BOTH: Sorry, ma'am. 938 00:39:56,895 --> 00:40:00,354 The level of incompetence in this office is just... 939 00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:12,862 (INTERCOM BEEPS) 940 00:40:12,952 --> 00:40:15,695 SUE: Ma'am, the Israeli prime minister is on line three. 941 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:19,824 David? Shalom. 942 00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:22,501 So, what did the Palestinians do this time? 943 00:40:22,837 --> 00:40:24,749 David, I have to tell you, my daughter Catherine 944 00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:28,048 was exactly the same way, a whiner. Yeah... 945 00:40:28,676 --> 00:40:30,463 Yeah. Mmm-hmm. What? 946 00:40:30,553 --> 00:40:32,072 (WHISPERS) This is your speech for this afternoon. 947 00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:33,382 Glasses. 948 00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,263 Jesus Christ. 949 00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:37,216 No, no. Not you, David. 950 00:40:37,310 --> 00:40:38,801 Yes. 951 00:40:38,895 --> 00:40:43,640 Well, tell me, how can the United States help you? 952 00:40:52,617 --> 00:40:54,950 Good afternoon, I'm Michael McLintock, 953 00:40:55,036 --> 00:40:57,699 with live coverage of the funeral of Selina Meyer, 954 00:40:57,789 --> 00:40:59,906 America's first woman president. 955 00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:02,582 While she may have only served one full term, 956 00:41:02,669 --> 00:41:04,410 Meyer is fondly remembered 957 00:41:04,504 --> 00:41:08,123 for briefly freeing what was once known as the nation of Tibet, 958 00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:11,800 as well as for permanently overturning same-sex marriage. 959 00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,503 The former president passed away earlier this week 960 00:41:14,597 --> 00:41:17,510 at the age of 76 or possibly 77 961 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:19,683 or, according to some sources, 75. 962 00:41:19,769 --> 00:41:21,726 After lying in state in the Capitol, 963 00:41:21,813 --> 00:41:24,806 her casket made the journey to her final resting place 964 00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,891 the Selina Meyer Presidential Library 965 00:41:26,985 --> 00:41:29,693 at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts. 966 00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:35,361 Among the dignitaries personally selected by Selina Meyer 967 00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:38,364 to sit in the front row are many former rivals 968 00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:42,243 in a Meyer-esque gesture of grace and goodwill. 969 00:41:43,084 --> 00:41:45,918 Former President Laura Montez, the Dalai Lama, 970 00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,791 former Vice President Andrew Doyle, 971 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:51,499 former two-term President Kemi Talbot, who will deliver her eulogy... 972 00:41:51,759 --> 00:41:53,967 How does Mike have more hair than I do? 973 00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:55,760 Maybe because he has two testicles. 974 00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:57,687 JONAH: Oh, Montez looks good. I'd still do her. 975 00:41:57,724 --> 00:41:58,805 BETH: Count me in. 976 00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,869 I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral, anyway. 977 00:42:00,893 --> 00:42:02,933 Well, then it's a good thing that you got impeached, 978 00:42:03,021 --> 00:42:04,248 they didn't have to invite you. 979 00:42:04,272 --> 00:42:05,582 MARJORIE: Catherine, you're missing it! 980 00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:06,606 CATHERINE: Coming! 981 00:42:06,691 --> 00:42:08,774 You know, Richard, there are few things in life 982 00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:10,567 more difficult than the loss of a parent. 983 00:42:10,653 --> 00:42:13,111 Who wants margaritas? (EXCLAIMS) 984 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,276 - Over here. - What did I miss? 985 00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:17,153 MIKE: The Presidential motorcade has arrived, 986 00:42:17,243 --> 00:42:19,576 and here comes President of the United States 987 00:42:19,662 --> 00:42:23,201 Richard Splett and the First Lady, Annette Splett, somber but elegant, 988 00:42:23,291 --> 00:42:26,159 basking in the glow of a landslide re-election 989 00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:29,416 following President Splett's historic three-state solution 990 00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:31,041 Middle East peace agreement, 991 00:42:31,132 --> 00:42:34,045 for which he won the Nobel Prize. 992 00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,258 ALL: Amen. 993 00:42:40,141 --> 00:42:43,555 We have 40 head of alpaca now, 17 on the way. 994 00:42:43,644 --> 00:42:45,226 My daughter's stepping down from NASA 995 00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:48,681 to take over the ranch, so, I can focus on my watch-making. 996 00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,188 We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made. 997 00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:52,609 Best. Best. 998 00:42:52,695 --> 00:42:54,778 Our greyhounds are our kids. 999 00:42:54,864 --> 00:42:57,072 Kent, do you still keep in touch with Ben's widow? 1000 00:42:57,158 --> 00:42:58,444 - I forget her name. - No. 1001 00:42:58,534 --> 00:42:59,775 Betcha Ben did, too. 1002 00:42:59,869 --> 00:43:02,577 Amazing he hung on as long as he did, the fat fuck. 1003 00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:04,700 - Excuse me. - Sorry. 1004 00:43:04,791 --> 00:43:07,329 - How long's it been, Ames? - Dan. 1005 00:43:07,418 --> 00:43:10,456 I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born. 1006 00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:11,957 2019, yeah. 1007 00:43:12,048 --> 00:43:13,048 Oh! And by the way, 1008 00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:15,840 if you guys ever want to buy or sell a piece of property 1009 00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,030 in the Laguna Beach area, I'm your guy. That's my cell. 1010 00:43:18,054 --> 00:43:21,172 Look at you losers waitin' around to make sure she's actually dead, 1011 00:43:21,265 --> 00:43:22,597 while you sit in the back row 1012 00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:24,640 suckin' on hard candies like what, Will? 1013 00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:27,519 I like jizz. 1014 00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:29,813 Ah, shit. He ain't what he used to be. 1015 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:33,817 Holy shit. Ames. Check it out. 1016 00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,520 I didn't think he'd show. 1017 00:43:36,656 --> 00:43:40,115 - I heard she never visited him. - Just keep walking. 1018 00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,196 (INHALES DEEPLY) 1019 00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:47,615 You'd hate the flowers. 1020 00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:48,991 But I... 1021 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,286 I brought the Dubonnet. 1022 00:44:11,357 --> 00:44:13,836 MIKE: And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble. 1023 00:44:13,860 --> 00:44:15,003 They're fumbling around the crypt, 1024 00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:17,565 but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way. 1025 00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:19,271 Typical. 1026 00:44:27,498 --> 00:44:28,659 But now, they've got it. 1027 00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:31,833 And there she goes, sliding right in there. 1028 00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:35,253 We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. 1029 00:44:35,339 --> 00:44:39,208 But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, 1030 00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:43,296 I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy 1031 00:44:43,389 --> 00:44:47,554 to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved... 1032 00:44:48,811 --> 00:44:50,552 I'm sorry. Breaking news. 1033 00:44:50,646 --> 00:44:52,182 I've just been told 1034 00:44:52,273 --> 00:44:55,732 that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks 1035 00:44:55,902 --> 00:44:57,814 has died at the age of 88. 1036 00:44:57,904 --> 00:45:00,863 The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, 1037 00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:03,281 Philadelphia and Philadelphia 2, 1038 00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:06,451 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, 1039 00:45:06,537 --> 00:45:08,620 surrounded by his loving family. 1040 00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:11,164 Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, 1041 00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:15,415 Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, 1042 00:45:15,504 --> 00:45:17,791 an American everyman who could leap effortlessly 1043 00:45:17,882 --> 00:45:19,794 between comedy and drama, 1044 00:45:19,884 --> 00:45:22,592 and moved audiences both young and old. 1045 00:45:22,678 --> 00:45:27,548 Today, the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. 1046 00:45:29,894 --> 00:45:34,639 Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.