1 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,194 MAN: Congratulations, Madam President. 2 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,301 Thank you. It's very exciting. Yes, we're thrilled. 3 00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:14,796 The woman who freed Tibet is finally getting her Nobel Peace Prize. 4 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,973 Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am. 5 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,807 You've won the Summit Peace Award 6 00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:21,102 of the World Summit of Nobel Peace Laureates. 7 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,788 It's kind of like the Peace Prize Junior. 8 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,876 The American voters don't know the difference, 9 00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:26,357 and, frankly, neither do I. 10 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:29,130 Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel to work on your acceptance speech. 11 00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:30,994 Okay, I don't know what that's a euphemism for, 12 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,236 but, Leon, you need to really lay it on thick. 13 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:37,114 - Okay? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet. - You bet, you bet, you bet. 14 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,036 I wanna sound like Bono trying to impress 15 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,704 his own reflection in the mirror. 16 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,748 - I understand. - Yeah. Good. 17 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,372 Hey. Was that Colonel Al-Saleh, 18 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,875 the Butcher of Juba, back there by the carving station? 19 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,566 The Nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table. 20 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:53,238 Ma'am, at this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building. 21 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,845 My Nobel Prize really makes the point 22 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:59,345 that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi. 23 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,221 I think it's pronounced "half-white." 24 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:03,268 Well, "tomato, mulatto." 25 00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,792 Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's wedding is in three weeks, 26 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:07,227 and her and her wedding planner... 27 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,559 Okay, can you just say you? You and Catherine. 28 00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:12,340 We're a little concerned about sitting you next to Marjorie's shaman. 29 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,276 - Hello! - Congratulations, Mom. 30 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,652 Thank you very much. 31 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,576 So, I understand we're having some sort of a seating issue? 32 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:20,654 Whatever you gals want is fine by me 33 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,158 as long as someone lets me have 34 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,352 mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets at the reception. 35 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:26,368 - Oh, God. - Listen, darling, 36 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:29,120 why don't you get married over here in Europe? 37 00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:32,252 Because without an American marriage license, 38 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,669 U.S. community property laws do not apply, my darling. 39 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,657 - Marjorie is my soul mate forever. - That's fine. 40 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,117 I don't know why you would bring this up... 41 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,598 You and your maid of honor here 42 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:43,472 can sit me next to whatever Injun Joe you want. 43 00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,056 It's your special day, so... 44 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,934 - Thank you, Mother. - You're welcome. 45 00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,808 - I don't have a drink. - I'll get it. 46 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:55,318 Um, when am I getting my meeting with President Lu about the Montez stuff? 47 00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:57,447 - Oh, I can't hear you. - KENT: Legally not present. 48 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:03,075 Guys, listen. I just need to get in a room with Lu, one-on-one, 49 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,703 so I can change his mind about supporting me for president. 50 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,954 Face-to-face, I can convince anyone of anything. 51 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,188 - That's not true. - Incorrect. 52 00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,212 You're both wrong. 53 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,754 - Well, you're right. - Okay? 54 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,672 Ma'am, Lu's people have been Great-Walling us. 55 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,320 I don't think they're anxious to meet with you. 56 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,738 That's why I brought along some bait. 57 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:17,798 - MINNA: Selina! - Minna! 58 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,761 Oh, Minna! 59 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:24,426 Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David. 60 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,636 He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes. 61 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:27,730 SELINA: Minna! 62 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,225 - Selina! - Oh... 63 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,891 - I don't get the attraction. - Oh, I do. 64 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,019 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 65 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,319 So, my last three lovers, they are complaining 66 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:41,116 that my naughty talk is both incessant and soporific. 67 00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,160 Maybe you should let them choke you. 68 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,600 You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk? 69 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,286 I can only speak for myself. 70 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,163 You know, where is Lu? 71 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,619 - Selina Meyer! - Murman! 72 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:55,002 Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you were still alive. 73 00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,880 The Russians reinstalled me when they invaded Georgia. 74 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,489 - Oh, good for you. - Huh! Factory reboot. 75 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,096 - BOTH: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop. - (CHUCKLES) 76 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,423 A bit of personal news. 77 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,260 I recently bought an English football club. 78 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,844 - Oh, wonderful! - Leeds United. 79 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,351 No English players, so pretty good team. 80 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,853 - Oh. - Selina, crazy idea I have. 81 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,939 What if I gave you money to help you win your election? 82 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:21,575 America does not stand for foreign interference in our elections! 83 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,721 - Who do you think that I am? - Yes, of course. Of course. 84 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,973 - I mean, it's an outrage! - Yeah, yeah. New topic. New topic. 85 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:29,661 I want to buy your Palm Beach house for $114 million. 86 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,368 Well, needless to say, real estate is a different animal. 87 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:33,815 They're not making any more of it, right? 88 00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,455 Everybody's gotta live somewhere. 89 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,417 I'd rather deal with the Russian mob than with those real estate people. 90 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,697 Well, it's because they're unethical, that's what they are. 91 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,281 Because they are working on commissions. 92 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:43,838 Yes! 6%. 93 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,076 It's abject greed, in my view. 94 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,592 - And I... - The $114 million would be wired 95 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,678 from the Seychelles to Malta, 96 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:52,354 then back to the Seychelles, and then to you. 97 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,808 I'm very flattered, Murman, I really am, 98 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,268 but your timing is horrendous. 99 00:03:57,529 --> 00:04:00,488 (SIGHS) To live is to suffer, Selina. The human condition. 100 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,735 - Yes. - Ha! (CHUCKLES) 101 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,345 - White people problems, right? - Okay. 102 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,695 Thank you. Thank you, Murman. 103 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:08,558 BEN: You were right, ma'am. 104 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,165 Lu's looking for the tickee in someone's shirtee. 105 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,412 What's the word, Minna? 106 00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,620 President Lu will meet you in the West Salon in ten minutes. 107 00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:18,457 - He seems quite excited. - Yeah, we could see that from here. 108 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,088 - SELINA: Keith. - Oh, hi. 109 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,261 - Where is Lu? - You don't get to see Lu. 110 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,303 You need to go through me, that's how this works. 111 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,178 I know all about Lu's secret plan 112 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,181 to get President Montez elected for a second term. 113 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,308 So you go, and you tell Lu 114 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,606 that I want to talk to him directly, right now. 115 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,935 You're going to do exactly what we say. 116 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,190 - I'm sorry? - Or else, 117 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,146 we'll tell the whole world how you vaporized 118 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,277 a DRA leader's wedding with Hellfire missiles 119 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,360 and also took a huge laser-guided shit 120 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,032 all over Pakistani sovereignty... 121 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,455 Okay, A, that never happened. 122 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,750 And B, that footage is highly classified. 123 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:57,078 It was classified, until somebody on your staff 124 00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:59,539 clicked on "Asian Girls Bound and Gagged." 125 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,087 Oh, Ben. 126 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:03,884 Or Kent. 127 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,470 Or Leon. Oh, God. 128 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,089 Or Marjorie. I mean... 129 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:13,053 Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard-of mix 130 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,101 of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, 131 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,057 and Kombucha-douching private school moms. 132 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,483 That's the real America. 133 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,856 So, we've got three more stops this afternoon. 134 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,307 Oh, look. If we go to Kentucky, it's gonna look like a wang. 135 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,775 The Great Lakes will be like the spooey. 136 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,485 Jonah, it's your dad again. It's like the tenth time today. 137 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:31,704 Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad? 138 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,702 SIRI: I don't know how to respond to that. 139 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,374 - (SCOFFS) Typical woman. - I know. 140 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,854 - That's mine. - Clay, come on. Let's go. 141 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,621 All right. How you doing, Harrisburg! 142 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,546 - (CROWD CHEERING) - Yeah! 143 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,751 Pennsylvania, you have the second-lowest 144 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,802 vaccination rate in the nation, 145 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:50,932 and when I am elected president, you will be number one! 146 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,133 (CROWD CHEERING) 147 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,640 - Thank you, Pennsylvania! - Oh! 148 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:57,472 Thank you! All right! Yeah! 149 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,273 Oh! 150 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,100 Oh, look at this baby. Aw. 151 00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:04,854 GARY: The menu has been an atrocity. 152 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,151 The guests are vegan, 153 00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,281 and the president won't eat anything without a face. 154 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,235 Selina. 155 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,696 I saw President Lu leaving. Is everything all right? 156 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,531 Yeah, everything's completely fine, Minna. 157 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,537 No. I can see the concern in your eyes, 158 00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,163 even through all the procedures. 159 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,694 What is it? Is it about the wedding? 160 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,132 He told you? 161 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,798 He would not stop talking about it. 162 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:26,713 He used the phrase "complete atrocity." 163 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,840 Complete atrocity? 164 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,464 Minna, listen. 165 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:32,890 (SCOFFS) 166 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:36,390 So I droned a couple wedding civilians 167 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,345 on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border. 168 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,459 I thought you were talking about your daughter's wedding 169 00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,019 to your homosexual doppelganger. 170 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,652 Yes. I was. 171 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:47,939 Um... 172 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,983 "Droned a wedding" 173 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,537 is, uh, American slang for 174 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,601 - "I got it, I nailed it." - Yeah, I do not think... 175 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,413 No, no, no. Really. Like, "I droned that wedding, man!" 176 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,230 I do not think that it is slang of any kind. 177 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,871 Oh, I guarantee you it is. Ask anyone here... 178 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:06,499 MAN: Mike, we have made 179 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,844 a lot of mistakes here at CBS News. 180 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,549 (CHUCKLES) I know, right? 181 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,994 But I think you could be a big part of turning that around. 182 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,746 - Mmm-hmm. - Okay. As a special correspondent, 183 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,247 you will be everywhere that there's news. 184 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,933 And I don't think it hurts 185 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,857 that you will be our youngest correspondent, by a lot. 186 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,485 Thank you, sir. 187 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,047 - So we bought the McLinTALK name... - Uh-huh. 188 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,965 ...but we did not get all the intellectual property 189 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:28,989 from the old show. So... 190 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,031 - I have intellectual property? - Oh, yeah! 191 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,949 The classic McLinTALK bits. 192 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:36,120 I mean, uh, when your phone rings in the middle of an interview... 193 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,744 - Oh. Oh. Yeah, yeah. - And the horrible wife? 194 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,958 - She's horrible! - A lot of that stuff, 195 00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,231 uh, I didn't know I was doing until people pointed it out. 196 00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:45,791 See? Keep that sense of humor. 197 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,007 Okay. 198 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,459 Because pretty much everything else is gonna change. 199 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,341 MINNA: Selina, you have put me in a terrible situation. 200 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,513 You have just admitted to being a war criminal. 201 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,309 Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes to war criminals, Minna? 202 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,559 All the time. Aung San Suu Kyi, Henry Kissinger, 203 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,000 and also, the prize that you're getting, 204 00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,265 it is not the Peace Prize. 205 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,964 - Oh, don't start with that! - It is a second-tier Peace Prize. 206 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,588 - No. - It is made of very hard plastic. 207 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,651 You have left me with no choice. I must report you. 208 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,529 Okay. Well, then you've left me with no choice. 209 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,286 Ha! 210 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:17,570 That was your phone. 211 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,747 I called Interpol before we got in the car. 212 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,208 SELINA: Come on, wait up. Hey, hey... Minna. 213 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,034 Just a second! Sweet Viking Christ! 214 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,586 - (MACHINE BEEPING) - Come on! 215 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,460 Just call Interpol back, tell them that you made a mistake. 216 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,166 I am sorry, Selina. 217 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,580 I have a commitment to the principles of truth and justice. 218 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,512 As the former president of the United States, 219 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:38,762 truth and justice can gargle my balls. 220 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,265 - Move the fuck out of my way. - KENT: Ma'am, the ICC 221 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,687 has issued a warrant for your arrest for war crimes. 222 00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,023 Yeah. That's because Autistic Barbie here 223 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,605 tattled on me over the wedding drone strike. 224 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,982 - Which one? - Nope. The DRA guy. 225 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,472 - Which was the only one. - Correct! 226 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,051 Secret Service says the Norwegian police 227 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,691 are all over the airport and the hotel. 228 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,680 - SELINA: Seriously? - You will be extradited to the Hague 229 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,946 and imprisoned under Article VIII of the Rome Statute. 230 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,866 Selina, if you request it, I can offer you asylum. 231 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,451 You can stay here at the embassy! 232 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,162 I'd just as soon stay at an Embassy Suites. 233 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:11,291 - (GASPS) - Ma'am, it's your only shot. 234 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,670 - Yeah. - SELINA: Really? 235 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:14,887 Fine. 236 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:16,845 I'll stay here. 237 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,932 Good. Now you must formally request asylum. 238 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,560 Yeah, I'm just gonna go. 239 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,385 They can shoot me as I make a run for it. 240 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,644 Fine. On behalf of the Finnish Ambassador to Norway, 241 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,024 I grant you asylum. 242 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,483 She prefers the word "spa." 243 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,278 DAN: Welcome to your new office, Lieutenant Governor Splett. 244 00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:37,532 Here we go. 245 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:42,325 Wait. What? No. This is where you stick an unfuckable intern. 246 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:43,415 Oh, no, no, no. 247 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,352 When I was a summer intern for Lieutenant Governor Plasko 248 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,538 back in seventh grade, I was in a much bigger office. 249 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:50,167 We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. 250 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,860 I mean, last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, 251 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,092 and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself. 252 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,697 - Sounds like a settings issue. - Okay. No. 253 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,678 Listen, we gotta get you national, Richard. Okay? 254 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,576 So that's why I've already booked you on McLinTALK. 255 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,966 And I canceled it. 256 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,593 Oh! Governor Ballentine! 257 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,046 You think you're hot shit, Splett? 258 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,804 First human mayor of Lurlene, 259 00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,959 straight to lieutenant governor in just a few months. 260 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,023 - Thank you. - Well, now you're an ice-cold dog turd 261 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,106 because you're not getting my job. 262 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,858 Governor, we have the utmost respect... 263 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,428 Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery. 264 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:19,658 Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep in bullshit make-work 265 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:22,361 people are gonna forget Iowa even has a lieutenant governor. 266 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,535 That shouldn't be too hard. 267 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,907 (NEWS TUNE PLAYS ON TV) 268 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,411 This is Michael McLintock... 269 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,418 and it's time to McLintalk with Michael McLintock 270 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,170 on CBS International... 271 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,173 Yes, I'm still holding for Secretary Doyle. 272 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,504 - Mike looks good. - Mmm, so much better. 273 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:43,160 SELINA: What's he doing? How long does it take to change an adult diaper? 274 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,703 The Norwegian National Police have surrounded 275 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,247 the Finnish Embassy in Oslo, Norway... 276 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:47,428 Oh, my God in heaven. 277 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,058 Selina, do you hate me? 278 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,149 Minna, I'm on the phone. 279 00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:53,067 Ma'am, the White House refuses to get involved in your situation. 280 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,213 - What? - KENT: Although publicly, 281 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,957 Montez claims to be considering all options. 282 00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,925 Privately, I heard she's been doing impressions of you 283 00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,218 getting broom-sticked in prison. 284 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,780 Are people actually laughing at that impression? 285 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:02,870 - No. - Yes. 286 00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:05,662 Is this really just about me reporting you to the ICC? 287 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,865 Yeah. How long am I supposed to be here? 288 00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:09,871 I could be dead before you ever get outta here. 289 00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:12,578 Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly, that could be, like, tonight. 290 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,254 - God willing. - I forgave you 291 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,110 for not voting for me to be the head of the IMF. 292 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,501 Minna, you don't go to prison 293 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,427 when you're not the head of the IMF. 294 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,630 Just the prison of unmet potential. 295 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,716 Ooh! Go sit in the corner, Minna! Go! 296 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,926 - GARY: Here comes the shoes! - Sit here. 297 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,979 Guys, how is this affecting my chances at the nomination? 298 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:33,478 You need to get in touch with the American Ambassador to Norway. 299 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,982 Norway. Ambassador Costas was Montez's husband's chiropractor. 300 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,258 BEN: Yeah, he does most of his ambassador-ing in Orlando. 301 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,114 - Okay. - Okay, that's everything. 302 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:44,365 - (GARY GRUNTS) - I have no space in this room! 303 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:45,764 - I'll take it out. - I cannot move! 304 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,745 It's easy. We'll get it out. (GRUNTS) 305 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:53,460 Selina, can I ask just one teeny, tiny, very small question? 306 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,047 Yeah. 307 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,168 - Minna. - Yeah. 308 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,374 Yeah. 309 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,425 From the bottom of my heart, 310 00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:03,713 I truly and completely forgive you. 311 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,556 Now shut the living fuck up. 312 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,851 I am just sorry that I cannot forgive you 313 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,724 for killing all those innocent people. 314 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,263 Get out. 315 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,974 - We are sharing a room. - No, we're not. 316 00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:20,948 Yeah. 317 00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:23,402 AMY: Streptococksucker. 318 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,280 Do you have the chicken pox? 319 00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,236 Clay gave them to me, yell at him. 320 00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,037 - No, I didn't. - Clay! 321 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,866 Oh, sweet pestilent Christ. You need to see this. 322 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:35,286 ...Disease Control is reporting a large chicken pox outbreak 323 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,916 in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 324 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,838 Oh, wow. We got out of there just in time. 325 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:42,214 That is the eighth chicken pox outbreak in the last week, 326 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,886 all in communities with low vaccination rates 327 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,589 but no other apparent connection. 328 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,766 Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero! 329 00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,719 You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! 330 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:52,813 Well, serves them right. 331 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,417 Didn't you have chicken pox as a child? 332 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,483 Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons? 333 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,046 - (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Ugh, Amy, that only works 334 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,277 with fleshy melons. 335 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,779 - Duh. - Yeah. And sometimes pumpkins. 336 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,616 - Daddy! - Hi, Bethy. 337 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,283 I'm really sorry I just showed up. 338 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,661 Oh, no, no, no! 339 00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:09,431 I really wanna have a chance to talk with you, Jonah. 340 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,808 Can't you see I feel yucky enough already? 341 00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,664 Jonah, I know that you're angry with me. 342 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,039 I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody. 343 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,462 It's all right to feel that way. 344 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,419 I just want you to know that I love you. 345 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,301 And I hope someday you'll give me another chance. 346 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:27,431 JONAH: Okay. 347 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:29,965 Um, I beg your pardon? 348 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,969 Okay, you can be my dad. 349 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,021 I can be what? 350 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,434 You can be my dad if you want. 351 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,143 Oh, come here! 352 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:43,024 Oh, I love you, Jonah. 353 00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,857 I love you too, Daddy. No homo. 354 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,108 Sure. No homo. 355 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,111 MINNA: As we Finns say, the morning is wiser than the evening. 356 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:52,641 Are you feeling wiser this morning, Selina? 357 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,783 - Get off. - No? I see that we are still choosing 358 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,743 not to make the best of the situation. 359 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,248 I can't. 360 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,171 Who ate my yogurt? 361 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,169 (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) 362 00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:04,883 Alleged war criminal. 363 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,409 Selina, I think it would be best for everyone if you can learn 364 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,885 to follow just a few simple embassy staff rules. 365 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:10,974 - What? - Number one, 366 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:14,097 you write your name on your food in the refrigerator. 367 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,395 - Oh, my God. - You see here, I've written "Minna," 368 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,393 and I have written it with a permanent marker. 369 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,315 Number two, 370 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:24,987 if you use a bowl or a spoon or a plate or a cup or a jug, 371 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:28,027 afterwards, you would wash in the sink. 372 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,494 Yeah? 373 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:34,913 Selina, if you go to prison, 374 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,991 you will not have your Gary to clean up after you. 375 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,354 - Okay, look... - No, I'll be there. 376 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,165 Ma'am, you gotta see what's on TV. Come on. 377 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,587 SELINA: Maybe it's time for me to just turn myself in, Ben. 378 00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:43,734 What is it? What's going on? 379 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,569 ...Americans have come out in force to show their support 380 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,112 for the former, and possibly future, president, 381 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,136 Selina Meyer. 382 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,469 - SELINA: Oh! - Footage rolls. 383 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,301 - ALL: Free Selina now! - (BOTH LAUGHING) 384 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,557 SELINA: What? 385 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,759 It turns out Americans don't give a flying fatwa 386 00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,434 if you drone a bunch of Muslims! 387 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:58,082 Your favorables have never been higher, ma'am. 388 00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,106 For polling purposes, 389 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,852 you're practically a generic white male. 390 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,586 - (LAUGHS) This is incredible! - (CHUCKLING) 391 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,226 I feel like the Grim Reaper 392 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,233 just dropped his scythe and started eating me out! 393 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:08,615 CATHERINE: Mom. 394 00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,861 Ma'am, Catherine just had the most romantic idea. 395 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,989 - Oh, good. - Getting married here in Europe. 396 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,079 What? 397 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,497 Oh, Catherine! 398 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,916 What a wonderful idea. 399 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,163 Thank you, Mother. 400 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,254 - SELINA: Gary. - Yeah? 401 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:25,046 Can you put something together here, at the embassy? 402 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,007 I found the perfect dress at the Oslo Medieval Festival. 403 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,756 - Oh, I doubt it. - SELINA: Good. Okay. 404 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,323 Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer to fuck here. 405 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,428 Guys, listen to me. 406 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,552 A wedding got me into this hot mess, 407 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:37,138 a wedding's gonna get me out of it. 408 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,470 A Potemkin wedding, if I may coin a phrase. 409 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:40,564 BEN: Please don't. 410 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,856 Okay. Look, we need a plane to get us home, correct? 411 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,776 ...Selina Meyer live via phone. Hello, President Meyer. 412 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:46,945 SELINA: Hi, Mike. 413 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:50,272 You know, I just want to thank the American people. 414 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:53,025 I mean, obviously, while it is regrettable, 415 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,361 the loss of innocent lives, 416 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:59,080 you know, I will never, ever apologize 417 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,870 for keeping Americans safe. 418 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,494 Uh, Ma'am, we have the drone footage here. 419 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:05,107 Would you take our viewers through it? 420 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,339 Guest speaks as footage two rolls. 421 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,302 Yes. Well, this is the compound belonging to Hamza Al Bashir. 422 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,507 Now, hold on. What is that right on over there, ma'am? 423 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,214 Is that an elephant or something? 424 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,223 Yes. Yeah, I believe it is. 425 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,018 Apparently, Al Bashir had some sort of a private zoo, 426 00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,104 and that's actually how we were able to locate him. 427 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,355 MIKE: And boom! 428 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,932 Wop! There goes the elephant. 429 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,358 - BEN: Ma'am? - Yeah. 430 00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,769 I think I may have found us a plane. 431 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:31,508 Governor, it's so nice of you to come with us to comfort Jonah. 432 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,532 Jonah Ryan has as much chance of becoming president 433 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,992 as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat, 434 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,616 but if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of a state 435 00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,914 to become his Ag Sec, it's gonna be this pigfucker. 436 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,853 Yeah. I didn't realize that was a job requirement. 437 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,584 (INDISTINCT CLAMORING) 438 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,584 Oh, my God. 439 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,959 What do you think? Beige or Tuscan beige? 440 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,385 Tough call. 441 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,758 They are the same. 442 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,965 And how is the blushing bride? 443 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,016 (GASPS) Mother, come on. Really? 444 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,720 - Cath, this is the best I could do. - Gorgeous. 445 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,981 - CATHERINE: You always do this. - I do what? 446 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,485 - Do you remember my 13th birthday? - No, I certainly don't. 447 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,048 Do you remember my 16th birthday, then? 448 00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,257 - Do you remember that? - No, darling. 449 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,468 We gonna go through all the birthdays? I don't remember any of them. 450 00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,762 Do you remember my high school graduation, or my college graduation? 451 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,055 Or any time I brought home a boyfriend 452 00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,389 for you to meet before I had girlfriends? 453 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,517 I didn't know the theme of the wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters. 454 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,726 - I mean, seriously. - I'm gonna pause. 455 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,083 Those sandwiches aren't gonna finger themselves. 456 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,081 - I'll be right back. - Catherine, I do not 457 00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,005 want to fight with you, my darling. 458 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,458 - I... - No, honey, listen to me. 459 00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:37,087 I am so very proud of you 460 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:41,638 and your decision to get married here. 461 00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,806 - Thank you, Mom. - Mmm-hmm. 462 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,639 And you look amazing. 463 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:51,185 And I'm amazed by your look. 464 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:56,405 Um, I'm just gonna freshen up. 465 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:57,903 - Okay. - Okay. 466 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,080 GARY: Okay, we're all good. 467 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,126 - Where's your mother? - She went to the bathroom. 468 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,246 - That's not the bathroom. - What? 469 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,527 BALLENTINE: If I could just have a moment of your time, Congressman. 470 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,237 JONAH: Will you move? You're blocking the TV. 471 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:17,469 Sorry. Yeah. I think in a Ryan administration 472 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,435 I could really make a difference at agriculture. 473 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,577 Yeah. Whatever. There isn't gonna be a Department of Agriculture. 474 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,433 - I'm getting rid of it. - What? 475 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,555 Richard, who is this guy? 476 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,137 I'm the fucking governor of Iowa, you nitwit! 477 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,099 And you just cost yourself a spot in my administration! 478 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,775 - I'll call you a cab, Governor. - NANCY: Jonah, your dad's here! 479 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:33,862 Oh, hey, Dad! 480 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,653 Look who's ready for a chicken pox party! 481 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,027 - What, I gave my dad chicken pox? - Second time! 482 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,359 JONAH: Now I can really see the family resemblance. 483 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,739 Two generations of scabs, yo! 484 00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:44,071 Fuck me with a side of ranch. 485 00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,605 See ya back at the office, Governor. 486 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,453 (CATHERINE CRYING) 487 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,186 Catherine. What has your mother done now? 488 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:54,373 She used our wedding as a diversion 489 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,881 to escape from the Norwegian National Police! 490 00:18:58,012 --> 00:18:59,012 Smart. 491 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:00,470 Kitty Cat. It's all right. 492 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,422 We'll just get married back in the States. 493 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:06,009 No. We are gonna get married right now, 494 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,313 in Europe, because it's romantic. 495 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,223 Do you wanna maybe 496 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,683 clean up first? 497 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:15,815 No. I feel fucking pretty. 498 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:17,563 GARY: Uh... 499 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,616 I'm sorry. Who taught you to do a smoky eye? 500 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:24,111 Joint Special Operations Command. JSOC. 501 00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,113 Ah. 502 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,414 It's not bad. 503 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,455 You know, these tunnels date back to World War II. 504 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,830 - Really? - Brave local citizens 505 00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,004 banded together in secret to assist the Nazis. 506 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:37,128 I think we should be underneath the security perimeter by now. 507 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,380 - How can you tell? - MURMAN: Ben. Over here. 508 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,211 - What's that? - MURMAN: Ben. 509 00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:42,421 - (SELINA GASPS) - BEN: Oh! 510 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,515 SELINA: Murman! 511 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:44,599 Selina. 512 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,078 I am so happy to see you! You have no idea! 513 00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:48,219 - I have helped many tunnel escapes. - Oh. 514 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,353 - Funny story. - Oh, here we go. 515 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:54,399 Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, 516 00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:56,725 - but in fact, I just buried him alive. - SELINA: Uh-huh. 517 00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:58,228 Murman. 518 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,443 Actually, it was her, 519 00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:04,030 but story is funnier with a man, huh? 520 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,827 In these MeToo days, you know? 521 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,246 Actually, I think it could work with a woman. 522 00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:10,369 Either way, it's a very good story. 523 00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,451 Beginning, middle and end. Plus a lesson. 524 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:17,586 Oh, but I would never, ever buried alive my dear old friend Selina. 525 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:19,837 Oh. Chivalry is not dead, Murman. 526 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:22,214 No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana, 527 00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:24,045 and she's definitely dead. 528 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:26,348 Yeah, I think the story does work better with a man. 529 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:27,800 That was my first instinct. 530 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,225 SELINA: Well, there you go. 531 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,052 Now, my car will take you to the airport. 532 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,763 - Okay. - And the airplane is waiting 533 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:36,066 to run out of gas and drop you into the North Sea. 534 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,402 What? 535 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,314 Just kidding. (SNICKERS) 536 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,736 - You are bad. - You believed me! 537 00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,487 BEN: You got us. 538 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,737 I want to make one quick stop on the way to the airport. 539 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:50,489 - What? - Yeah, I wanna just pop in 540 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,040 and grab my Nobel Peace Prize. 541 00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,952 Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize of bad ideas! 542 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,857 - No, that's economics, okay? - We need to be out 543 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,543 of this jurisdiction immediately! 544 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,419 Oh, please, I've got America on my side, 545 00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,626 and America doesn't give a shit about anything! 546 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:03,864 KENT: The Hague gives a shit. 547 00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:05,991 BEN: Ma'am, we are not in America. We just crawled out of a drain! 548 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,993 - SELINA: Wait, what? - We're not in America right now. 549 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:09,017 For crying out loud. 550 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,717 Okay look, call Leon right now. 551 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,144 Tell him to get his dick out of whatever homeless woman 552 00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,541 froze to death in front of the hotel, 553 00:21:14,565 --> 00:21:16,325 meet us over there with the speech. Let's go! 554 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,400 Call him! 555 00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:21,357 (KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING) 556 00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:24,968 Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to work at the White House. 557 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,699 You barely worked at the White House. 558 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,743 (CHUCKLING) Oh! 559 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,580 Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, 560 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,310 then bang you and tell everybody in the office 561 00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:34,575 you're an unstable slut. 562 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:36,458 It's a new dress. 563 00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:41,714 BETH: Come on, come on. 564 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,463 Dumb child locks. 565 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,794 - Need some help? - Thank you so much. 566 00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,347 How long have you been taking these? 567 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:51,766 Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, 568 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,718 but the pain went away in two days. 569 00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:55,679 They gave me 97 pills, though, 570 00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:59,107 so now I've just been taking them for the going-away of my feelings. 571 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:00,562 So you're not pregnant. 572 00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,020 Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids 573 00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:05,647 until I can get my cake pop business off the ground. 574 00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:08,053 And we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead. 575 00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:09,238 (CHUCKLES) 576 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,069 - Hey, Jonie. - Yeah? 577 00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:14,201 You know, right now you have a historic opportunity 578 00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:17,455 to speak to our better natures, bring the country together. 579 00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:20,162 But to do that, I think you have to tone down 580 00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:23,374 the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit. 581 00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:26,293 I have kind of pushed it, haven't I? 582 00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,253 A little. A little bit, Jonie. 583 00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:32,302 Okay, Dad. Yeah, I will. 584 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,684 Yeah. Okay. 585 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:37,475 Hey, Mom, will you make us some pancakes? 586 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:39,445 - Ooh! Banana pancakes. - Yeah, banana pancakes. 587 00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,067 Oh, you know, I don't think I have any eggs. 588 00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:43,393 - Boo! Boo! - Boo! 589 00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,900 Go to the store to make pancakes! 590 00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:49,199 - Pancakes! Pancakes! - Jonah, I think that... 591 00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,109 Oh, my God! Lloyd! 592 00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:53,031 - Dad? - Oh, my God! Call 911! 593 00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:55,113 - Dad! - RICHARD: Make sure his nose is wet! 594 00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:57,039 - What? - Uh, that's for dogs. 595 00:22:57,668 --> 00:22:59,000 SELINA: Let's go. We gotta move. 596 00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:00,926 We gotta get this thing and get to the airport. 597 00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:02,338 President Lu! 598 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,044 You're a hard man to get ahold of. 599 00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:07,714 - (SPEAKING OWN LANGUAGE) - (MOCKING) 600 00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:10,716 Are we really doing this again? We all know he speaks English. 601 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:12,966 - (SPEAKING OWN LANGUAGE) - I like your hair like that. 602 00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,887 - (IN ENGLISH) Thank you. - You're welcome. 603 00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:18,290 (IN ENGLISH) Selina Meyer. Why am I not surprised to see you? Sit, please. 604 00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:22,058 Lookit, Lu, we have always been able to do business together. 605 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,186 If I'm elected, the U.S. is gonna import 606 00:23:25,279 --> 00:23:28,147 a shit-ton more of your tainted baby formula 607 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,572 and defective drywall. 608 00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:31,194 - A little secret. - What? 609 00:23:31,285 --> 00:23:32,947 Different label, same product. 610 00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:35,154 Islands. 611 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:36,988 Any islands you want, Lu. 612 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:40,450 Diaoyu, Spratly, Florida Keys, even. 613 00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:44,004 President Montez has been a great friend to China. 614 00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,706 Our loyalty to her is unshakable. I'm sorry. 615 00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,217 You can have Tibet. 616 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:51,677 What? 617 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,005 Yeah. 618 00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:54,464 You can have Tibet back. 619 00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:56,136 Are you fucking kidding me? 620 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,764 No. Right after the election, you can have it back. 621 00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:02,473 I mean, I'll have to condemn your actions publicly, of course. 622 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:03,566 Of course. 623 00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:05,938 But then we'll propose a U.N. resolution, 624 00:24:06,028 --> 00:24:07,439 - you'll veto it... - I will. 625 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,486 Then, you know, have at it. 626 00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:11,533 Is being president in a democracy even that great? 627 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:14,408 - Well, it's barely a democracy, so... - I agree with that. 628 00:24:14,495 --> 00:24:16,615 Listen, I got a thing to get. Do we have a deal, or... 629 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,371 - Sure. - I knew it. 630 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:20,289 - Yeah. We're good. - You're a good man. 631 00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,083 I like it. You look good in a bow tie. 632 00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,229 KEITH: Everything okay in here? 633 00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:24,369 Oh! You bet. 634 00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:25,749 'Cause you're my lapdog now. 635 00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:26,920 - Okay. - Yeah. 636 00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:29,611 I thought I would take just a few moments of your time 637 00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:34,130 to remind you of the plight of the Azerbaijani minority in Georgia... 638 00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:35,259 SELINA: I'm here! 639 00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:37,642 Thank you! 640 00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,092 I'm here! Thank you! 641 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,852 - What are you doing here? - Oh, thank you! 642 00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,976 It's very perilous for you to be here. 643 00:24:44,066 --> 00:24:45,682 Thank you so much! Thank you! 644 00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:47,438 - I don't think you should... - Give it. 645 00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:50,817 Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. 646 00:24:51,115 --> 00:24:52,115 Thank you. 647 00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:55,658 When the committee called to tell me 648 00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:58,862 I would be receiving the Nobel Peace Prize, 649 00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:00,822 Summit award... 650 00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:04,417 I considered telling them I didn't want it. 651 00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:08,171 You see, it's never been important to me 652 00:25:08,382 --> 00:25:10,169 to be honored publicly. 653 00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:13,377 But I decided to come tonight. 654 00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:16,718 Not for myself, but for the country of... 655 00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:19,976 Tibet. 656 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:26,102 Imagine a world where Tibet were not free. 657 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:29,100 Imagine that. 658 00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:32,229 And one of the world's great human treasures, 659 00:25:32,698 --> 00:25:34,564 Tibet's Lamas, 660 00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:38,447 like these right here sitting in the front row, 661 00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:40,745 looking at me... 662 00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:47,119 would certainly be imprisoned and tortured 663 00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:51,089 in the most vicious ways imaginable, 664 00:25:52,509 --> 00:25:54,842 possibly even killed. 665 00:25:56,638 --> 00:25:58,971 Oh, God Almighty. 666 00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:02,058 So maybe I should just wrap this up. 667 00:26:02,144 --> 00:26:04,352 Shall we scroll ahead, please? 668 00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:05,519 Could you just... Yes. 669 00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:06,813 Wait. Yes. 670 00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,600 Tibet must always be free. 671 00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:13,069 Free today, free tomorrow, 672 00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:15,146 free forever. Oh, God. 673 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,321 Uh, thank you. 674 00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:17,615 MAN: Wonderful! 675 00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:19,408 - PHOTOGRAPHER: Photos, please. - Oh. 676 00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:21,990 Okay. 677 00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:23,697 No one's ever gonna forget that speech. 678 00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:25,124 You're fired. 679 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,078 All right, let's get out of here. 680 00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:28,747 Take this piece of shit. 681 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,334 Stop. Selina, stop. You give me no choice... 682 00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:32,755 Ugh. Goodbye, Minna. 683 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:35,174 Wow. Talk about inhumane droning. 684 00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:36,501 I guess I've got a type. 685 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:38,886 - Dan? - Hi. 686 00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:40,179 So nice to see you 687 00:26:40,849 --> 00:26:42,681 on this sad occasion. 688 00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:45,476 So I thought maybe we could get a drink and... 689 00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,895 Sorry. Ames, this is Layla, my girlfriend. 690 00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:52,150 It just feels so weird saying that out loud. I can't help it. 691 00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:54,339 - LAYLA: Hello. - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hi. 692 00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:55,479 Layla's an ob-gyn. 693 00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,530 I know what she does. 694 00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:58,948 Oh, God, of course. 695 00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:00,616 You guys have already met. 696 00:27:00,702 --> 00:27:02,034 Classic Egan. 697 00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:04,912 Um, are you okay here? 698 00:27:05,165 --> 00:27:06,165 - Mmm-hmm. - Yeah? OK. 699 00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:08,829 What's up, man? 700 00:27:09,211 --> 00:27:11,123 So, how was your follow-up appointment? 701 00:27:11,213 --> 00:27:14,081 Less of a metal tube up my vag than this. 702 00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,291 WOMAN: I'm so sorry, Nancy. 703 00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:19,253 Adult chicken pox can be very serious. 704 00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:20,949 (SNIFFLES) Thank you for coming. 705 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,509 Don't blame yourself, Jonah. 706 00:27:22,599 --> 00:27:23,806 It's not your fault. 707 00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:27,469 (SOBBING) Oh, my God! 708 00:27:27,563 --> 00:27:29,683 Can you get her a pill or something and calm her down? 709 00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,481 I don't want diazepam, I want something good. 710 00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:33,568 Okay. 711 00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,234 Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that. 712 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,028 - Okay. Oh, God. - Jonie, Jonie. 713 00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:39,777 I'm just so sorry. 714 00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:42,985 Oh. Thank you, Uncle Jeff. I really appreciate that. 715 00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:45,518 Sorry you killed your own father and I wasn't there to see it! 716 00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:47,413 (SNICKERING) 717 00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:52,918 - Sorry! - Uncle Jeff. 718 00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:55,150 - Could you please stop laughing? - (JEFF WHOOPS) 719 00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:56,506 (LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY) I can't! 720 00:27:57,384 --> 00:27:59,125 I can't believe you gave him chicken pox. 721 00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:01,085 I always had you pegged as an AIDS guy. 722 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:03,263 (LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY) 723 00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:06,307 (RICHARD CHUCKLES) 724 00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:10,395 It's not funny, but his laughter is infectious. 725 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:11,480 I can't breathe! 726 00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:16,900 - I can't breathe! - Mr. Kane, 727 00:28:16,987 --> 00:28:18,979 you're gonna come with me. 728 00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:22,282 Here's my hotel key. If you got a dick, I'll pay double. 729 00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:24,734 JONAH: Okay, everybody can come in and take a seat. 730 00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:26,489 - Hey, babe. - I love you. 731 00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:27,946 Love you too. 732 00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:31,075 So first off, I guess, thanks, everybody, for coming. 733 00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:32,834 And, um, 734 00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:36,250 as most of you know, I didn't get a lot of time with my dad 735 00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:38,878 but I think in the time that I did have with him 736 00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,505 I realized what a stupid loser he was. 737 00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:44,303 He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom. 738 00:28:44,598 --> 00:28:46,885 All he ever did, actually, was run out on us. 739 00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:50,184 You know, first, all those years ago, and now by dying. 740 00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:51,681 BETH: Oh. Whoa! 741 00:28:51,772 --> 00:28:54,083 And I guess I don't even really know if I liked him that much, 742 00:28:54,107 --> 00:28:56,827 because he probably would have sucked like all of my other step-dads. 743 00:28:57,402 --> 00:29:00,270 And I don't care that he's dead, because I am very strong. 744 00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:01,696 BETH: You're so beautiful. 745 00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:03,218 We're having cake pops at the house later. 746 00:29:03,242 --> 00:29:04,574 BETH: Who wants to go dancing? 747 00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:07,180 - I'm leaving. This place sucks. - BETH: My husband's right there. 748 00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:09,537 Richard, that bastard Ballentine, 749 00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:12,331 he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah. 750 00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:15,418 He went blind with partial paralysis and has to step down. 751 00:29:15,504 --> 00:29:16,745 Oh, my God, that's awful. 752 00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:18,830 No! That makes me, I mean you, 753 00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:20,915 the Governor of Iowa! 754 00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:23,259 - Congratulations to us both. - Oh, my God. 755 00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:26,596 So listen, you guys, we have to start thinking about the convention. 756 00:29:26,682 --> 00:29:28,534 - Oh, yeah. Sure do. - And possible veep candidates. 757 00:29:28,558 --> 00:29:30,424 There are a lot of people I want to snub. 758 00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:31,519 - Ma'am. - Yeah? 759 00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:32,603 Check this out. 760 00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,180 Oh, my God! Is that Richard? 761 00:29:35,274 --> 00:29:36,310 Governor Splett. 762 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,400 - SELINA: No! - Yeah. 763 00:29:37,484 --> 00:29:39,337 - (PROTESTERS CLAMORING) - SELINA: What the hell? 764 00:29:39,361 --> 00:29:40,477 What's going on here? 765 00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:43,563 I thought nobody gave two Osama bin Shits 766 00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:44,943 about the drone strike. 767 00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:46,899 This is about killing elephants. 768 00:29:47,077 --> 00:29:49,514 Yeah. There's two things Americans don't like to see get hurt, 769 00:29:49,538 --> 00:29:51,780 animals, and white girls on spring break. 770 00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:52,934 KENT: The story is everywhere. 771 00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:54,244 Peggy Noonan has a column 772 00:29:54,334 --> 00:29:56,542 about Babar and American exceptionalism. 773 00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:57,744 Oh, she's a dumb cunt. 774 00:29:58,171 --> 00:30:00,083 Is this gonna affect my numbers, you think? 775 00:30:00,299 --> 00:30:01,299 Yes. 776 00:30:01,383 --> 00:30:04,000 (INDISTINCT CLAMORING) 777 00:30:04,094 --> 00:30:05,301 Oh, my God! 778 00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:07,924 He's giving me the finger. 779 00:30:08,307 --> 00:30:09,673 Look. See? 780 00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:14,977 As many of you know, it has been a difficult week for me, 781 00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:19,649 with the death of my dumb father and my hot wife going into rehab. 782 00:30:20,068 --> 00:30:23,778 Which, when you think about it, kind of makes her hotter, you know? 783 00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:27,156 But with the Lord's help, I got through it. 784 00:30:27,409 --> 00:30:28,741 (APPLAUSE) 785 00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:30,284 And when I say Lord, 786 00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:33,158 I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one. 787 00:30:33,248 --> 00:30:34,489 (CROWD CHEERING) 788 00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:38,375 Now, there has been a lot of debate 789 00:30:38,628 --> 00:30:42,212 about whether vaccines do or do not kill people. 790 00:30:42,299 --> 00:30:44,416 And they do, that's just science. 791 00:30:44,634 --> 00:30:48,503 But the other real killer is diseases. 792 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:51,923 And how do these diseases get into America? 793 00:30:52,059 --> 00:30:53,550 - CROWD: How? - Immigrants. 794 00:30:53,769 --> 00:30:54,976 - MAN: Kill them! - Yeah. 795 00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,220 Well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of them. 796 00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:59,431 There are some good immigrants. Beyoncé? 797 00:30:59,649 --> 00:31:01,766 Ms. Brookheimer, do you have anything to eat? 798 00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:04,898 Um, I've got gum and Advil. 799 00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:08,990 He had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe. 800 00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:10,112 That guy stays. 801 00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:13,320 But we are not going to stop diseases 802 00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:16,781 unless we close our borders! 803 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:19,117 - CROWD: Yeah! - From now on, 804 00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:21,877 no one in, no one out! 805 00:31:22,589 --> 00:31:25,502 Thank you. No one in, no one out! 806 00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,337 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 807 00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,261 - What? Who's there? - Uh, it's Richard. 808 00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:32,046 - Who? - Oh, governor Richard Splett? 809 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:35,804 - Oh. - We, uh, brought you some flowers. 810 00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:37,764 Word is out on you, Splett. 811 00:31:37,938 --> 00:31:39,520 You're living proof 812 00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:42,519 that the worst people in politics always succeed. 813 00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:45,898 I'll tell you something else, Splett. Listen carefully. 814 00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:48,229 Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll... 815 00:31:48,323 --> 00:31:49,323 Governor Splett... 816 00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:52,169 Now that you're a super-delegate, have you given any thought as to who 817 00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:53,846 you're gonna be endorsing at the convention? 818 00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:55,736 Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them? 819 00:31:55,831 --> 00:31:56,912 (ALL LAUGH) 820 00:31:56,998 --> 00:31:58,955 Okay. All right, thank you guys so much. 821 00:32:02,212 --> 00:32:03,498 Pull up a chair, Splett. 822 00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:06,005 I've never told anyone this before. 823 00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:10,338 I have a daughter in California. 824 00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:13,012 She doesn't know anything about me. 825 00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:15,931 I've seen photographs on the internet.