1 00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:05,290 OK, I don't know about you guys, but I say we leave this miserable shirthole. 2 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,205 No, wait, wait. Not so fast. 3 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,466 Now, getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky 4 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,922 there's no train to catch. 5 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:16,514 I have to design a complicated, unique transportation vehicle. 6 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:17,928 Is it Optimus Prime? 7 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,643 What? - I can't believe we get to ride a real-life 8 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,474 Optimus Prime! I call right nipple! 9 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,765 That's "Shotgun" on Optimus Prime. 10 00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:28,935 Look, this vehicle, which is decidedly not Optimus Prime... 11 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,023 Aw! 12 00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:33,315 ...has never been built before. So, I'm gonna need a few days to do this. 13 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,700 Dude, we just escaped by the skin of our teeth 14 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:39,328 and any second now, Shawn is gonna realise that we are not at Mindy St Clair's. 15 00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:42,912 So, whatever this magical Good Place-mobile is 16 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,747 now's the time to whip it out, B! 17 00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:47,440 I agree. And although I believe I've asked you this question already... 18 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:48,875 There is no "business class." 19 00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,798 Michael, they're right. We gotta go. 20 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,585 INTERFACE CHIMES 21 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,136 Oh. Let's do... 22 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,010 OK, here goes nothing. Janet, if you would? 23 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,551 Aaaand presto! 24 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,769 INTERFACE BUZZES - Oops. 25 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,434 Forgot to log in first. 26 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,058 Gotta answer my, uh... security question. 27 00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,727 "What was the name of your childhood pet?" 28 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,979 Korzoff... the Ten-Headed... 29 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,568 Dog-Spider. 30 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:17,154 Aaaand presto! 31 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,032 JASON: Dope! 32 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:22,830 ELEANOR: We did it, guys. 33 00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:23,739 We won. 34 00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,666 We're going to the Good Place. 35 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,668 In a frickin' gold balloon! 36 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:28,578 JASON: Shotgun! 37 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,733 CHIDI: It's a hot air balloon, what does that even mean? 38 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:34,296 Top of the balloon! Ultimate shotgun. 39 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,718 MICHAEL: Guys, just a reminder 40 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,808 I have no idea what's going to happen once we actually 41 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,564 reach the Good Place. 42 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:52,478 You know, we're trying to slip in through a kind of side door 43 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,354 and even if that works 44 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,114 we have no way of knowing if they'll let us stay. 45 00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,446 Of course they'll let us stay - we're refugees. 46 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,157 I mean, what kind of a messed-up place would turn away refugees? 47 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,946 Quite agree. We should get a move on. 48 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,853 Obviously, if I'd known we'd be ballooning, I would've worn a proper ballooning outfit 49 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,709 but time is of the essence, so... 50 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,833 MICHAEL: Tahani. Yeah, no, no, don't. Don't touch that. 51 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,248 It's probably locked. 52 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,249 It's a very complicated control system. 53 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,170 I may need a few minutes to get a handle on this. 54 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,847 Why don't you all go say goodbye to the Neighbourhood? 55 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:24,384 Oh, then I could change into a proper ballooning outfit! 56 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,596 IN BRITISH ACCENT: Oh, hurrah! 57 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:27,641 Are you making fun of me? 58 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,272 No, I legit wanna see you in that outfit. 59 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,359 Oh! 60 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,315 So many memories of this place - 61 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,859 eating frozen yogurt and then having diarrhea 62 00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,527 and then eating more frozen yogurt 63 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:43,786 and then more diarrhea. 64 00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:46,656 Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place 65 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:47,915 because of all the diarrhea. 66 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,542 Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that frozen yogurt right now. 67 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,628 We're about to be on a balloon, man. 68 00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,915 ELEANOR: What do you think our new home will be like? 69 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:58,130 I'm picturing Hawaiian beach, unlimited Mai Tais 70 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,051 and a phone! 71 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:04,349 Ugh, I miss my phone so much. I bet I have so many texts. 72 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:07,227 I just want us all to be together. Separate houses, obviously. 73 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:08,765 Large lawns. 74 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,638 I'd have a tasteful moat. 75 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:15,234 I don't care where I live, as long as they have more of this frozen yogurt. 76 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,690 Why? Why? 77 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,946 An unlimited library 78 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,824 all of my philosopher heroes walking around 79 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,235 waiting to be engaged in rigorous intellectual debate. 80 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,654 And I hope that library is air-conditioned 81 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,575 because we are gonna be working up quite a sweat! 82 00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,121 Oh! And soulmates! 83 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,376 I hope they're real. 84 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,124 I mean... you know... 85 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:36,459 for... for all of us. 86 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:39,334 I mean, I hope everyone gets someone special. 87 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,502 Uh, mm... - JANET CHIMES 88 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,137 JANET: Good news! We've got a handle on the controls. 89 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,177 Who's ready to go ballooning? 90 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,258 MICHAEL: OK, I think we figured it out. 91 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:51,308 I pieced together this design from a number of ancient manuscripts 92 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,018 which Janet will now interpret for you. 93 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:57,105 "The balloon will only transport those who have attained self-realisation." 94 00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:00,821 "Each traveler will step upon the scale, and her soul shall be weighed." 95 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:04,280 "If she is the best version of herself, it will permit her to board." 96 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,451 "If not, passage will be denied." 97 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:07,903 Cool. 98 00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,155 Cool. Cool. 99 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,207 We got this. 100 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:14,460 I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely the best version of myself. 101 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,498 I know a shirt-ton about ethics now, because I studied. 102 00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:23,136 And I read books, that weren't even written by the "Real Housewives." 103 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:26,631 Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine. 104 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,602 SHE GASPS - ALL SIGH IN RELIEF 105 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,624 Oh, man, I didn't believe anything I was saying. I just... 106 00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:34,809 Whoo! In I go. 107 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:41,111 SHE EXHALES Well, I mean... 108 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,287 Oh, dip! 109 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,825 Ah, nuts! 110 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:54,742 It's OK! 111 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,787 The pattern is "green-green-green-red." 112 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,545 Remember that when it starts up again. 113 00:04:58,590 --> 00:04:59,706 CHIDI: I'm sorry, everyone. 114 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:03,422 I just have some worries, as well as some concerns 115 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,156 that could potentially turn into outright fears. 116 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,012 Ah, there they go. Ah, they're... 117 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,423 they're fears now. I'm scared. 118 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,011 OK, I know this mood. 119 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,718 Come with us, Doctor Freak-Out. 120 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,934 That was a joke. We're actually very good friends. 121 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,310 CHIDI: OK, here's the thing. 122 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:21,820 That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves, but for the four of us 123 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,024 that's not just a metaphor. 124 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:26,657 It doesn't just mean, "are we the nicest that we've ever been?" or something 125 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:29,239 although I am also worried about that. 126 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:34,703 But the real issue here is that there have been literally 802 different versions of us! 127 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,585 And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? 128 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,871 How do I know it's not version number 85? 129 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,040 Or 322? Or 558? 130 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,628 Or 69 or 420! 131 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,072 You know, and... and then you get into the whole idea of... 132 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,463 of consciousness. And, I mean, just forget about "best" 133 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,427 what version of Chidi is even real? 134 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:54,264 I mean, I think that "I" am here, but what if the real "I" 135 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,679 is one of those other Chidis, and... and... 136 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,518 and this Chidi is an imposter! 137 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,729 What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out? 138 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,213 CHIDI CHATTERS - Usually, but this one seems to be 139 00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,194 getting stronger as he goes on. 140 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,259 ...over time, because our consciousness is constantly changing. 141 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,843 Which is just playing on the Buddhist doctrine of the "non-self." 142 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,681 Plus, physically, our cells change every seven years, which doesn't matter 143 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,037 because we're dead. 144 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,243 OK. This is pretty simple, bud. 145 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:19,786 You've been our teacher this whole time and we are much better because of you. 146 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:24,131 If we're the best versions of ourselves, which that balloon just proved 147 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,755 then you definitely are. 148 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:28,840 So, in a way, it... 149 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:33,179 it doesn't matter if I was "better" in version 492 or whatever 150 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,343 because the best version of "me" 151 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,138 is just as much about my effect on the world around me 152 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,899 as it is about my own egocentric self-image. 153 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,818 I really meant that much to you guys? 154 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,024 Of course you did. 155 00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,656 Now let's get you back on that scale, dorkus! 156 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:56,826 Oh, good, you're back. I had Janet make some food for the trip. 157 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:57,911 Twizzlers for Jason. 158 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,204 Shrimp for Eleanor. 159 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,994 Chidi, hard-boiled eggs. 160 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:06,257 And for Tahani, Lord Vivian's Vinegar-Drenched Cuttlefish Crisps. 161 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,338 Oh, my favourite savoury dessert! 162 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,670 Oh, un-pickled... 163 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,306 No, thank you. 164 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,591 Chidi? Ready to try again? 165 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:16,468 Yeah, all right. 166 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,771 HE HOLLERS - ALL CHUCKLE 167 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:21,815 Yeah! 168 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,854 SHE SIGHS 169 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,737 Dope! 170 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:38,540 Ugh! 171 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,245 Chidi got in my head! 172 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:44,795 ELEANOR: It's just that thing Chidi said about previous versions of myself 173 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,876 it's screwing me up, but I can fix it. 174 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,219 SHE SIGHS Phew! 175 00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,753 I stole this from your house the first night we were here. 176 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,219 OK. Should be the best version of myself now. 177 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,518 ELEANOR: Urgh! Come on, scale! Be cool! 178 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:00,769 Guys, we're just not ready. 179 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,750 I think we should regroup, and try again tomorrow... 180 00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:03,935 Hang on. I know the answer. 181 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,441 I know why I'm not my best self. 182 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,980 Do you remember that version of me, from the tape of us, at Mindy's? 183 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:15,030 Where I was vulnerable and emotional, and honest? 184 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:19,280 That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one. 185 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:21,749 And that is not an easy thing for me to say. 186 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,751 "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote. 187 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,418 Michael, can you tell us a little bit about that version? 188 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:31,129 Uh... reboot number 119. 189 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,885 All the restaurants were kebab places. 190 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,889 You had a pet lizard, which I made poop on you all the time. 191 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,892 No, can you tell us more about Chidi's and my relationship 192 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,017 from that version? 193 00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,554 MICHAEL: Right. Sorry. Well, you got really into ethics 194 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,563 and you spent a lot of time together. 195 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:49,770 Once, you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed 196 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:54,657 and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you. 197 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:59,992 One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss 198 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:04,167 which... gross. Kissing is gross. 199 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:07,291 You just mash your food-holes together. 200 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:08,795 It's not for that! 201 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,667 Anyway, it, uh... it just... you know... 202 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,381 bloomed after that. 203 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,634 Look. There are obviously some undealt-with issues here. 204 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:22,052 I propose that everyone who is "green" go ahead and board the magic balloon 205 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,594 and set out to the Good Place. 206 00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:25,387 You know, sort of like an advance team. 207 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,353 We'll put our names in, or book a table, however it works 208 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,690 and then we'll send back the magical balloon for the "red-light people" later on. 209 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,070 It's a perfect plan. 210 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,361 No! 211 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,329 It's not working, it probably thinks I'm Eleanor. 212 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,199 It is I, Tahani! 213 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,331 Wait! Wait! 214 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,665 I'm not really my best self, guys. 215 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:51,794 Tahani keeps trying to talk to me about our relationship, but I keep dodging it. 216 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,881 Plus I haven't talked to Janet about me and her yet. 217 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:57,261 And I haven't talked to Michael about the band I want us to start 218 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,671 "The Rock and Roll Buddies." 219 00:09:58,723 --> 00:09:59,964 Yes, actually you did. 220 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,598 I said, uh... I wasn't interested. 221 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:05,683 In case you were wondering, I am by definition the best version of myself 222 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,722 because my operating system is always updating. 223 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,686 I'm not sure that's true, Janet. 224 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,522 You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage. 225 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,984 And the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle. 226 00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:19,196 You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. 227 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,156 It's a five-dimensional blob. So... 228 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,696 OK, if you're so perfect, step on the scale. - Fine. 229 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,449 SCALE SPARKS AND HISSES 230 00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,333 JANET: Ooh! I think I broke it. - TAHANI: No! 231 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,789 My beautiful balloon scale! 232 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:30,919 It's not yours! 233 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,876 MICHAEL: No, no, please, stop fighting! 234 00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:35,211 Ah, man. This... this stinks. 235 00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:37,593 I'm having this feeling where... what is it called? 236 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,969 You know where you, uh... 237 00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,721 you did a thing and you're sad after it? What... 238 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:42,927 "After-sad"? Is that... 239 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,310 No. Gah! You humans have so many emotions. 240 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,765 You only need two - 241 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,643 anger and confusion! 242 00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:51,273 Michael, what's going on? 243 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,229 The problem isn't any of you. 244 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,519 It... HE SIGHS 245 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,608 This whole balloon thing is a fake. 246 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,945 The truth is, I have no idea how to get into the Good Place 247 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,154 and I never have. 248 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,950 Well, Michael's right. 249 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,875 I'm angry and confused. 250 00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:17,084 So, months ago, when you said you had this whole complicated plan 251 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,175 for getting us to the Good Place...? - It was a lie. 252 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:23,048 I assumed if I bought myself some time, I could figure out a way in. 253 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,471 Guys, I tried a billion different ways. 254 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:30,809 Not an exaggeration - I actually tried one billion and 12 different plans 255 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:36,194 but the only way into the Good Place is by being a good person on Earth. 256 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,355 This is unforgivable. How many times can you betray us? 257 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,361 I'm sorry. I really am. 258 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,992 Because while I was searching for a way to get in 259 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,537 I was also taking your ethics classes 260 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,831 learning why it was bad to lie. 261 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,913 So not only did I fail at getting us into the Good Place 262 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:54,669 I also learned the "error of my ways." 263 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:58,128 Real rock bottom for a demon, I'll tell ya. 264 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:01,211 So... how did you know that I would doubt myself 265 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,049 and make the scale turn red? 266 00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,759 I mean, at the risk of seeming blunt 267 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,635 I'm a puppet master and you have long been my puppets. 268 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,393 But this was not torture! 269 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,852 I... I was stalling, so I could keep searching for a way in. 270 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,984 I would have been happy if you were to live in this Neighbourhood forever 271 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:20,317 but then Shawn came and... and... and just ruined the whole thing. 272 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,944 So, what happens now? 273 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,909 Shawn will eventually figure out you're not at Mindy's. 274 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:31,166 And he'll realize that someone on the inside was helping you. 275 00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:35,044 So, you'll go to the real Bad Place forever, and I will be... 276 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:36,078 be retired. 277 00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,210 You're... you're mad at me. 278 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:38,924 I'm not mad. 279 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,500 I'm just disappointed. 280 00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,260 Aw, come on, everyone knows that's worse. 281 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:48,595 So, this really is the end. Completely out of options, are we? 282 00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:51,560 Not completely out of options. 283 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:57,313 We can do what the Shellstrops have always done, when the chips are down 284 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,815 ignore our problems and drink heavily. 285 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:02,563 Janet! 286 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,278 A million bottles of your finest booze, please. 287 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,317 MUSIC PLAYS 288 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:08,912 You alright? 289 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:14,158 Kinda. I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon 290 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:15,419 and he said no. 291 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,249 Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it 292 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,881 to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up... 293 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,127 and he just kind of sighed and walked away 294 00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,221 so I guess that one is still on the table. 295 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,091 Are you and me cool? 296 00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:32,561 Not exactly. 297 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:37,231 I think perhaps, given everything, it's best we end our relationship. 298 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:42,437 It's probably about time I stopped relying on others for my sense of self-worth 299 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:43,739 or happiness. 300 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:48,276 You know, my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles 301 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,944 I would simply say 302 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,513 "I would like to speak to your manager." 303 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,290 But in our relationship, there is no manager. 304 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:59,420 There is no one who can fix this for me, except me. 305 00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:04,884 My mum was a manager at a pet store. Does that help? 306 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,844 No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories. 307 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,255 She got fired - No, Jason... 308 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,285 after I robbed the pet store - Please, please, please, please, Jason. 309 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,245 where she worked. We robbed it together. - No, no, no, no, no. Please, stop. 310 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:16,103 Long story short, it was all a dream. 311 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:21,271 Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier, for me. 312 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,196 Dude, here's where I'm at - 313 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,526 feelings are stupid. 314 00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:29,817 Yeah. Who needs them? 315 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:35,206 But, uh... in case feelings aren't stupid, and, in the case that we are 316 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:38,162 eternally doomed, I thought it might be worth mentioning that I do... 317 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,545 have feelings for you. 318 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,817 And I... I know you don't feel the same way. 319 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,878 And although that fills me with... 320 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,420 anger and confusion... 321 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,630 Wow, Michael was right on the money. 322 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,804 I just wanted you to know the truth. 323 00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,474 You are... I mean... 324 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,001 No, no, don't say anything. Don't. Don't. - MUFFLED: I want to, I want to. 325 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,025 I want to. 326 00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:03,567 Here's the thing about me. 327 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:07,313 You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? 328 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:13,028 That's the sound that my brain makes, all the time. 329 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,741 It's just this constant grinding. 330 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:18,749 About things I'm afraid of, or things that I want 331 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:23,128 or want to want, or want to want to... 332 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,289 Is it grinding in there right now, bud? - Yep. 333 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:28,505 But the... the point is, the circumstances under which we met 334 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:33,843 are completely insane, and that just makes the grinding harder. 335 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,675 I just wish we'd met the way normal people meet 336 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:40,516 like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures... 337 00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,773 ELEANOR LAUGHS - or... or you came knocking 338 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,651 on my office door asking for help with philosophy. 339 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,561 Is that how you think people meet? 340 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,401 I don't know how normal people meet. 341 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,782 SHE LAUGHS 342 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,194 It's not that I couldn't love you. 343 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,113 You're amazing 344 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,165 and... 345 00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,077 fearless, and... 346 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:02,788 and clearly... 347 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,042 symmetrical. - SHE LAUGHS 348 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,545 ELEANOR: You're such a nerd. 349 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,339 GLASS TINKLES 350 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,628 Attention, everyone! 351 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:18,430 We may not know exactly which version of ourselves was technically our "best self" 352 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,478 but you know what? 353 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,515 I like who we are right now. 354 00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,521 To this version of us. 355 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,565 To the good people we've all become. 356 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:26,934 TAHANI: Oh, and to Eleanor! 357 00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:28,276 Our unofficial leader. 358 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:31,989 You pack a lot of heart and grit into that diminutive frame. 359 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,692 Like a scrappy little auto-mechanic. 360 00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:37,848 That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, babe, and I'll take it. 361 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:39,955 And to Janet! The best robot... 362 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,115 Not a robot. - Girl... 363 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,954 Not a girl. - And straight-up hottie... 364 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,243 I am attractive, yes. 365 00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,378 ...any of us could have ever asked for. 366 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,422 Thanks, guys. 367 00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,040 Because of the way we were conceived of and created 368 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,675 Janets don't typically give speeches. 369 00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:56,450 Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech. 370 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:57,339 Oh. - OK. Cool. 371 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:59,474 Oh, one more toast! To Michael! 372 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:00,725 ALL: Michael! 373 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:01,931 THEY CHEER - ELEANOR WOOFS 374 00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:05,768 Who is easily the best version of himself 375 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,061 granted the bar was low. 376 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,725 ALL: Mm-hmm. - CHIDI: He is a demon. 377 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:09,734 ALL: Mm... - But... 378 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,237 he made a mistake and admitted he was wrong 379 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:15,524 which makes him better than 90% of all humans. 380 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,616 And you know what? It wasn't really Michael's fault. 381 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,453 We weren't getting into the Good Place anyway. 382 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,826 I mean, look at us - 383 00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,699 a self-obsessed socialite 384 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,576 a ridiculous giraffe 385 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:29,622 an absurd British aristocrat, a narcissistic attention-seeker... 386 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,006 Are these all me? - Yes. 387 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,195 I was gonna do eight for you, and one for everyone else. 388 00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,256 THEY LAUGH - ELEANOR: The point is, Michael... 389 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:36,513 we forgive you. 390 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,806 I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place. 391 00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:42,184 And that's the greatest thing someone can do 392 00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,810 just try your best. 393 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:50,693 So, we hereby name you an "honourary human" 394 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:56,111 and we would like to present you with this Human Starter Kit. 395 00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,653 Car keys! So I can lose them and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?" 396 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,948 Oh, and then I can do that, you know, that thing where you... you... 397 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,036 HE LAUGHS Thank you! 398 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:09,704 And Band-Aids, for your stupid fragile bodies. 399 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,965 Oh, and look at this - a stress ball with a dumb corporate logo? 400 00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,547 Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this 401 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,428 and then almost throw it away, and then think 402 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,179 "No, I'll... I'll use it!" 403 00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:21,965 THEY LAUGH 404 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,470 Oh... guys. 405 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,934 A Doctor Oz diet book, because you're all such suckers. 406 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:31,976 This is all garbage that I have no real use for. 407 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,315 That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy. 408 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,444 To Michael. 409 00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,071 THEY CHEER 410 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,865 MUSIC: "Green Light" by Lorde 411 00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:41,617 ♪ I do my makeup in somebody else's car ♪ 412 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:50,669 ♪ We order different drinks at the same bars... ♪ 413 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,256 MUSIC: "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole 414 00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:06,019 ♪ Unforgettable That's what you are ♪ 415 00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:10,271 ♪ Unforgettable... ♪ 416 00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,752 MICHAEL: You don't remember? - ELEANOR: No! 417 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,267 No, of course you don't. HE LAUGHS 418 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,560 Oh, that's mean. 419 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:17,275 That was version one. - THEY LAUGH 420 00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:19,648 JANET: Michael... 421 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,692 there's a message coming in from Shawn. 422 00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:24,236 MICHAEL: "Finish shutting everything down." 423 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,496 "Sending train first thing tomorrow." 424 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,534 "Humans will be captured and tortured soup." 425 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,002 "Sorry, autocorrect." 426 00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,205 "Soon." 427 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,715 "Although weirdly I did just finish turning someone into soup." 428 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,296 "So random." 429 00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:40,506 "OK, bye." 430 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:46,467 What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be, for you? 431 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,973 I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert 432 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,597 and I'll be waiting for the bass drop. 433 00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,483 And it... 434 00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:56,650 it'll never come. 435 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,066 For me, it'll be camping. 436 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,906 Like, I'll just always be camping. 437 00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:05,281 I'm pretty good at turning every place I go in... 438 00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:06,945 into my personal hell, so 439 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,373 I think they'll have a lot of options, for me. 440 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:14,708 Mine will obviously be an eternity spent in the Swiss Alps. 441 00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,212 That sounds amazing. 442 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,583 In Autumn. The off-season! 443 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,046 Yeah, still fine. 444 00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,131 You'd be fine. 445 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,639 Who are we kidding, you'll probably be running the place in, like, a week. 446 00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:26,548 She'll be like... 447 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,388 IN BRITISH ACCENT: "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy! This simply won't do!" 448 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,929 "I demand to speak to your manager." - THEY LAUGH 449 00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:34,348 JASON: Again, again! - ELEANOR: "Your manager!" 450 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,062 THEY LAUGH 451 00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:38,147 Of course! That's it. 452 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,858 We should speak to the manager! 453 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,569 THEY LAUGH - Wait, you said that there was a judge 454 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:47,201 who decides on disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place, right? 455 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:51,741 Some sort of "head honcho" I could pace in front of, and plead our case to 456 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,910 and maybe even wag a finger at, disapprovingly? 457 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,295 I thought about that, it's a non-starter. 458 00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,422 Judge rarely hears cases. 459 00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:03,256 And the only way to get to the Judge's office is through a portal 460 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:06,259 and we can never get to that. 461 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:07,635 Well, why not? 462 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:11,973 We'd have to walk through the actual Bad Place, in plain sight 463 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:16,015 without getting caught, reach and pass through the portal 464 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:19,810 which is in the very centre of Bad Place headquarters 465 00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:22,070 convince the Judge to hear us out 466 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,777 even though we didn't go through the proper channels 467 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:29,111 and then somehow win our unwinnable case. 468 00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:32,914 ELEANOR BURPS - OK. 469 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:34,959 Let's do it. 470 00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,545 You're serious? 471 00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:39,921 Yeah! What do we have to lose? 472 00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:48,301 All I've really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human. 473 00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:51,767 And now, we're going to do the most human thing of all 474 00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:56,723 attempt something futile, with a ton of unearned confidence 475 00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:59,232 and fail spectacularly! 476 00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:00,604 Get up! Get up! 477 00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:01,861 Everyone! 478 00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:04,438 Get rest tonight. 479 00:22:05,199 --> 00:22:08,863 First thing tomorrow... we're going to the Bad Place. 480 00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:13,052 CHIDI: We had a lot of good times together. 481 00:22:13,707 --> 00:22:15,164 I'll see you in the next life. 482 00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:16,791 ELEANOR SIGHS Goodbye, clowns. 483 00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:21,288 Goodbye, modernist architecture that I was too trashy to appreciate. 484 00:22:23,217 --> 00:22:24,217 Goodbye, house. 485 00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:25,885 Goodbye, house. 486 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,350 What up, idiot? 487 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,849 This is the 8:22 express to Bad Place Headquarters. 488 00:22:35,896 --> 00:22:39,515 We'd like to begin the boarding process with our first-class fat dinks 489 00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:41,809 and there is no overhead storage 490 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,148 so if you have any bags, why don't you just go ahead 491 00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,062 and place them up your fat butts. 492 00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:49,108 Sorry about this, Bad Janet. - Sorry about what, ya fat dink? 493 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,536 This was your life's work. 494 00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:00,376 Are you OK with leaving the fake Good Place behind? 495 00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:04,832 As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place. 496 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,504 That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does. 497 00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:14,680 The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way. 498 00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:17,686 Nope. Still nonsense. One more try? 499 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,480 In a way 500 00:23:19,899 --> 00:23:24,064 the Good Place was inside the Bad Place... 501 00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:26,398 all along? 502 00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:28,675 You know what? That's technically true, I'm gonna give it to you. 503 00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:30,406 Ah! HE CHUCKLES 504 00:23:30,701 --> 00:23:31,862 I just made an aphorism. 505 00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:34,954 Hit it, Janet. 506 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,115 Next stop, the actual Bad Place!