1 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:10,760 - He's messing with me. What? - Showing you the goods. 2 00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,930 - All right. - Showing you the goods. 3 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,515 I understand, but did you… 4 00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:17,278 I'm gonna stop the show just for a second. 5 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,103 Did you hear what he said about yelling out during the show and shit? 6 00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:22,313 - Yeah, I did. - Okay, and then… 7 00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:26,192 Okay. Okay. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. 8 00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:28,486 He's like, "No, I heard the rules, and fuck them." 9 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:32,216 I don't want you yelling out. That made the show worse just now. 10 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,243 You feel it. I know. And you apologize? Nothing's gonna happen to you now. 11 00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:37,579 At least when I'm not looking. They might kill you. 12 00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:43,458 I want you to know, I have jokes to get through. I'm gonna get to know you. 13 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:46,379 Never you ever again, but, like, for the rest of you guys. 14 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,673 You could die tomorrow. I wouldn't care. 15 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,800 But the rest of you guys, 16 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,135 I'm so happy you're here. 17 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:58,767 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, 18 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,519 Jeff Arcuri! 19 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,545 What's up, Phoenix? 20 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,012 Oh, hell yeah, dude. 21 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,515 This is so sick. Dude, I love this so much. 22 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,601 I love this… this vibe. I get to… You're so close, all of you. 23 00:01:41,684 --> 00:01:43,436 Hi. Hi. 24 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,480 Oh my God. 25 00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:47,357 Hey, what's up? No, just him. 26 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,526 This is so… 27 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,694 This is so cool, dude. I love looking around. 28 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,155 My favorite thing in the world is… I noticed you right away 29 00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:57,075 'cause your energy is immaculate, brother. I love that so much. 30 00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,410 My second favorite thing is I love coming out 31 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,956 and noticing somebody excited, and then I see the person they brought. 32 00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:06,042 That's… my favorite thing in the world. 33 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,170 You, specifically. I… Dude. 34 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,131 Every time I come out, no offense, brother, 35 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,841 I see a woman that's like, "Yeah!", 36 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:16,553 and then I see a husband that's like, "This is the fucking guy? This?" 37 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:21,391 This is the reason you giggle in bed at 2 a.m.? This little bitch. 38 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,643 Yeah, I make her laugh. 39 00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:25,854 I'm joking. 40 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,981 I'm not a threat to you at all. I'm very effeminate. 41 00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,566 I'm not a threat, okay? 42 00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,985 I'll make her laugh, and then you finish the job. 43 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,740 Nice to meet you, man. What's your name? 44 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,826 - Dave. - Dave? Nice to meet you, Dave. 45 00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,911 Thanks for coming out, man. This is really great. 46 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,414 I love that I can see you guys. I can look around. 47 00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:46,958 Thanks for coming, tall guy. I appreciate it. 48 00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:50,211 Were you kind of brought by your wife tonight? 49 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:52,547 Yeah, dude. I fucking knew it. 50 00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:56,134 I always notice it, 'cause he's like, "Wow, you guys really like this guy, huh?" 51 00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,136 Hell yeah, dude. 52 00:02:58,219 --> 00:02:59,429 - What's your name? - Ryan. 53 00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:02,273 Nice to meet you, Ryan. You guys are married or just together or what? 54 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,600 - Engaged. - Engaged? 55 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:07,145 - Oh, amazing. Hell yeah, dude. - Whoo! 56 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:09,480 That's so exciting. That's great, dude. 57 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,244 And where'd you do it? Where'd you propose? 58 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:14,652 - Hawaii. - Hawaii. I did, too. You do you. 59 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:17,405 What happened to you? Where'd you do it? 60 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:20,283 - We were in Kauai. We did it on the beach. - Kauai on the beach? 61 00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:22,160 You're not gonna believe this? Me, too. 62 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,204 Which beach? 63 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,788 - Uh, Hanalei Bay. - Hanalei Bay. 64 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,541 I did, uh… We did Secret Beach. 65 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,460 It was better. Uh… 66 00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:33,087 I'm joking. I'm joking. That's… That's amazing. 67 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,590 Dude, were you… Oh my God. How old are you, buddy? 68 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:38,301 - 27. - 27. Nice, man. Congrats to you both. 69 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,511 That's so cool. Were you nervous to propose, man? 70 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,513 - No. - No? What the fuck? 71 00:03:44,807 --> 00:03:47,647 I don't even think you got on one knee. You were probably like, "Catch." 72 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,564 "Was I nervous? No, she knows what she's got." 73 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:55,151 I do kind of like that. 74 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,570 I like talking here, and then reveal over here. 75 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:02,283 I'm gonna try that with my punchlines, like "How do you make a tissue dance?" 76 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,370 Put a little boogie in it. 77 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,789 I'm not gay, by the way. I read the comments. 78 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,548 - Whoo! - Shut up. 79 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,801 I'm not. I'm not gay. A lot of people think I'm gay. 80 00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:22,136 Uh, a lot of people think I'm gay. Mostly my dad. 81 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:27,100 He… He was at my wedding, and I could see that he felt it. 82 00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,686 He… He didn't say anything, but when I said "I do," 83 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,521 he had a look in his eyes, like, "Do ya?" 84 00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:35,483 Like, it was… He's always been that way. 85 00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:37,006 My dad's always asked me if I'm gay. 86 00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:39,862 Since I was like ten years old, he's like, "You're not gay, are you?" 87 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,448 I'm like, "I'm not, but I don't think that's how you ask." 88 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,952 But I still need his validation. 89 00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:49,014 Any other guys have a dad like that, where they're like… Oh you, right here. 90 00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:50,957 Hell yeah, dude. Your dad thinks you're gay? 91 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,584 - All the time. - All the time? All the time. 92 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,795 That's an interesting… All the time? 93 00:04:55,878 --> 00:04:58,256 Just like midnight, he's like, "Bro, you're gay. 94 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,844 He calls you, he's like, "You're probably gay, right?" 95 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,304 Whoa, and this is your wife. 96 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:07,473 Still doesn't prove it to them. 97 00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:09,809 Doesn't it suck? You seek their validation constantly. 98 00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:12,228 - What's your name, man? - Dakota. 99 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,530 Stop. Stop. 100 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:29,495 How dare he name you like that? 101 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,459 Your dad bullies you? "Nice name, gay boy." 102 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,085 You're like, "What the fuck?" 103 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,546 No, that's cool, man. That's… 104 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:40,389 But I love it. You seem like a confident guy. 105 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,134 You got a wife now and everything, right? Where'd you propose? 106 00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:47,347 - Where did you… Can I ask you? - Oh, it was, uh, at my own house. 107 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,514 - At your house? - Yes. 108 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,600 That's awesome. That's personal. That's great. 109 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:52,443 Some lady booed. She can go straight to hell. 110 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,190 Women don't realize how nerve-wracking it is to propose. 111 00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:58,149 Were you nervous? 112 00:05:58,232 --> 00:05:59,901 - I was. - So nervous, right? 113 00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:02,862 Even though you know the answer, right? By the way, if you don't, don't. 114 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,200 Ask, double check. 115 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,119 I was so nervous to propose. I don't know why. 116 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,996 She picked out the ring and told me to do it. 117 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:16,084 It'd be fucked up if I got on one knee, and she's like, "Psych! Ew." 118 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,588 I was so nervous to propose. I didn't say, "Will you marry me?" 119 00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:22,631 The first thing I said when I got on one knee was, 120 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:25,134 "Feel free to say no." That's how I started. 121 00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,514 Just in case, I'd be like, "It was a goof, you idiot." 122 00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,182 "It was just goofing, dude." 123 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,435 But that's so cool. Yeah, my dad thinks I'm gay. 124 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:36,599 A lot of people think I'm gay, but the thing is Like, 125 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:39,357 I don't wanna give in to that. I don't wanna be, like, defensive. 126 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,080 Where are my gay people? Make some noise. 127 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,654 They put them all over here. 128 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,784 This side's all baseball hats and button-up shirts. 129 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,204 And this side's gay as hell. Hell yeah, dude. 130 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:56,541 Nice. You guys… You guys are together right here? 131 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:59,043 I love that so much. Where'd you two meet? 132 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,212 - Tinder. - Tinder? 133 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:04,215 Oh, yeah. 134 00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:06,551 It's for you guys too. 135 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,471 You found love in Tinder. 136 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,932 That's fantastic. How long have you been together? 137 00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:14,851 - Um, six years. - That's great. 138 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,520 Congrats to you guys. That's awesome. 139 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:18,855 I love that. 140 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,525 And that's the thing. That's why I don't like to get defensive 141 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,368 when these fragile dudes are like, "You gay?" 142 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,946 I don't wanna be like, "No, you're gay," as if it's an insult. 143 00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:29,490 I don't, so instead, I just try and make them feel 144 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,951 as uncomfortable as they're trying to make me feel. 145 00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,955 It works, dude. I did this to a guy. A guy came up to me after a show. 146 00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:39,292 I was wearing a Bette Midler shirt. He comes up to me, and he… 147 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,340 I'm sorry, are you part of the problem over here? 148 00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:52,847 She's an icon. Go fuck yourself. 149 00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:54,265 It's a cool Bette Midler shirt. 150 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:56,517 He comes up to me. I wanted to make him uncomfortable. 151 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,686 He comes up to me, he tugs the shirt and goes, 152 00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,938 "Nice shirt, man. Didn't know you were gay." 153 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:04,400 And I'm like, "I'm not gay, dude. Pull out your dick. I'll suck it and hate it." 154 00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:07,445 Ha. And he was like, "Wait, what?" 155 00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:09,405 That's when I went, "Om nom nom nom nom nom." 156 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:13,576 Dude, he backed off, which is… That's when you win, by the way. 157 00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,496 If they back up, you win. 158 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,790 Oh, but if they don't back up, you have to do it. 159 00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:23,252 Rules are rules. 160 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:27,590 I did that in a bathroom in New York. There was a… a… 161 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,301 No, not the dick part. The first part. 162 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,888 There's a club I work, the Comedy Cellar in New York, 163 00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:37,767 and I went into the bathroom after my set, and in the showroom is the bathroom. 164 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:40,645 I walk in there, there's a guy peeing at one of the urinals like this. 165 00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:43,481 I walk in, he looks at me, nods at me, continues to pee. 166 00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:46,609 I get in the urinal next to him. He looks at me again, up and downs me, 167 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,402 and then decides to pivot, 168 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,989 and hide his penis from me. I'm like, "All right, he recognizes me." 169 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,158 He's messing with me. I'm gonna mess with him. 170 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:57,537 So as he's peeing, facing this way, I'm peeing facing forward. 171 00:08:57,620 --> 00:09:00,289 I decide to also pivot. 172 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:07,630 And then I lean over his shoulder and say, "Let me see it," like that. 173 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,299 As a guy, that's a fun bit. 174 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,385 That's a fun… That's how we are. 175 00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,468 Guy to guy, like, "Let me see that dick," you know? 176 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:15,512 It's fun. 177 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:18,891 But he didn't recognize me, so it was not funny at all. 178 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,978 That… that was a stranger. 179 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,648 I think it's just men's rooms in general I hate. 180 00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:30,778 We don't get the privacy you ladies get. We got to pee next to each other, 181 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,447 facing the wall, and they put a barrier up, 182 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:38,035 but just enough so that we can still make eye contact if we need to. 183 00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:40,621 Sometimes we don't even have the stall doors for the bathrooms. 184 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:44,166 Have you seen this, fellas, where there's no stall door for the toilet? 185 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,211 They're building bathrooms, like, "You can poop in here, but 186 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,422 you're gonna meet somebody." 187 00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,509 And I had to use one. I had to use one in Chicago. 188 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,220 It was probably ten years ago. Long hallway of a bathroom. 189 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,264 Let's say from right here was the entrance. 190 00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,349 At the end of this long hallway of a bathroom 191 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,227 was one toilet against a wall like this. 192 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:06,314 No barrier at all between the toilet and the door. 193 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,024 No lock on the door. 194 00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,484 Then right in front of me, across from the toilet, 195 00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:12,570 was a urinal two feet away. 196 00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:17,325 So if you come in to pee, I'm the first thing, like… 197 00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:27,293 And, dude, I remember thinking, "If someone comes in, I gotta greet them." 198 00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:32,506 I gotta… I gotta acknowledge them in some way. 199 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,384 So my first thought was, I'll be really friendly. 200 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,262 Door opens up, I could just be like, "Hello." "Nope." 201 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,641 "Nope. That's way too friendly." 202 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,976 "That's an invitation, Jeffrey. Don't do that." 203 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,770 So then I thought, I'll just be a cool guy. 204 00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:49,690 What would a cool guy do, you know? My first thought was, "I'll be like this." 205 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,568 I'll just, like… Door opens up. I could be like, "Ay-oh," like that. 206 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,779 Like… Nobody does this. 207 00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:57,031 You don't even do this. None of you do this. 208 00:10:57,114 --> 00:10:59,492 'Cause you're like, "Aren't your pants around your ankles?" 209 00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:01,202 I take my pants all the way off. 210 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:08,918 So that was the plan. Door opens up. "Ay-oh. Oh, you peeing? I'm pooping." 211 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:14,340 That was the plan. And then, dude, the door opened up 212 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:19,095 so much more aggressively than I thought it would, and it scared me. 213 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,348 And I forgot all my lines, and my instincts kicked in, 214 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,392 and I hate so much that this is my instincts, 215 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,227 but I swear to God, this is what happened. 216 00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,771 The door swings open, and I go, 217 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:31,857 "No," like that. And… 218 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:41,200 I wish… I wish I was kidding about the octave. 219 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:44,036 I wish I was like, "No." 220 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,789 Uh-uh. I went, "No." 221 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,835 And he had tattoos. He was 6'5", a big beard. 222 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,337 I was like, "This is how it ends, baby." 223 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,924 You know? I'm like, "No." And he's like, "Yeah." 224 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:01,095 But he was so sweet. I misjudged him so much. 225 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:02,388 He was genuinely so nice. 226 00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:05,850 I remember when I said "No," he went, "Okay," and he put his hand up. 227 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,979 He backed up. This is how nice he was. I went to go leave the bathroom. 228 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,523 I opened the door, and I hit him in the back, 229 00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:14,734 'cause he was standing in front of it and guarding it, 230 00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,444 and not letting anybody else in. 231 00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,195 Isn't that ador… I bought him a beer. 232 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,489 He was so nice. His name's Jonathan. He's from Kentucky. 233 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,576 He likes photography, but that's not what he's doing right now. 234 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,746 Anyways, I'm not gay. 235 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,294 I think… You know what it was? I think a lot of people think I'm gay 236 00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:35,796 'cause of my effeminate, uh, features. 237 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,466 Not features. That makes it sound like I have boobs. 238 00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:41,969 Qualities. Yes. 239 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,722 Because I was raised by women, and I'm proud of it, dude. 240 00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:47,683 I gained way more than I lost being raised by sisters. 241 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,020 I swear. Truly. 242 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,856 Any other guys have a big female presence growing up? 243 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,399 A lot of females in their life? 244 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,986 Yeah? Right here, buddy? Hell yeah. That's great, man. What's your name, dude? 245 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,155 - Rich. Yes. - Rich? Nice to meet you. 246 00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:03,657 I love your whole look. Your eyebrows are perfect. 247 00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:04,867 Thank you. 248 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,035 That's great, man. Nice… 249 00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,329 What was your situation growing up, Richie Rich? 250 00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:11,916 I grew up with a sister, and then all women, aunts, like, in my family. 251 00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:13,876 Women and aunts all your… Dude, that… 252 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,086 Do you think you gained more than you lost? 253 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:20,341 Oh. 254 00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:23,219 Oh, he looked up to the sky and went… 255 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:27,787 - Is this your girl with you? - Yeah. 256 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,058 That's amazing, dude. 257 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,310 So… so, yeah, that influence that they had on you. 258 00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:32,853 - Big influence. - Big influence? 259 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,856 - I learned to keep my mouth shut. - Learned to keep your mouth shut? 260 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,610 That is true. That is true. 261 00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:42,071 Fuck off. 262 00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,073 "Yeah, you do what you're told." 263 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,659 This poor kid is just like, "I cannot talk." 264 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,516 That's so cool, man. Did they dress you up in make up and dresses? 265 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,084 - Yes. - Yeah? Oh, my God. Did you hate it? 266 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:58,254 - I did. Yeah. - You did? Are you being honest? 267 00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:01,674 I used to pretend to hate it. 268 00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:05,970 I'd be like, "I bet you're gonna make me wear this today." 269 00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:08,806 And then they'd be like, "Answer the door for your dad." 270 00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:09,890 I was six years old. 271 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:13,185 My dad would come home, and I'm like, "Hello, Daddy." 272 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,355 And he was just like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" 273 00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:19,441 And I'm like, "These are all the people I've ever met, dude." 274 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,443 "And I feel beautiful." 275 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:27,032 They judge. The sisters judge too. The women you bring home too, yeah? 276 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,493 Yeah, my sisters judge every girl I've ever brought home. 277 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:31,829 If I brought a girl home, they're like, "She's a whore." 278 00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:35,040 And I'm like, "I know." 279 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:38,335 That's my favorite part so far. What else do you guys like? 280 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,755 I will say this. They do love my wife. 281 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,674 My wife is an amazing person. 282 00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:45,551 We got married this year. 283 00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:50,806 Yeah, they love her, dude. 284 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,183 And one of my sisters is a huge fan of hers, actually. 285 00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:56,246 'Cause my wife, I don't know if you know, was on reality TV for a few years. 286 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:59,440 My wife was on The Bachelorette. Yeah. 287 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,984 Yeah, you guys heard? Have you seen it, buddy? 288 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,445 You have? Have you seen the show before? The Bachelorette? 289 00:15:04,528 --> 00:15:07,740 No? Let me… Brother, let me explain what the show is. 290 00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:11,785 It's a show where one woman dates, like, 30 different guys. 291 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,793 And she tries to fall in love, but if she doesn't fall in love… 292 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:25,007 This is what you get to take home if you don't win. 293 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,015 I get in my head about it. If you haven't met her, she's beautiful. 294 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,808 And when we started dating, dude, 295 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:37,061 I was not used to the attention that she got. 296 00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,730 We started dating. She put a picture of us up together, 297 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:41,690 of us hugging on her Instagram. 298 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,901 It was adorable. It was a soft launch. 299 00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,736 But then Us Weekly picked it up. 300 00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:47,780 Us Weekly picked it up as news, 301 00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,491 and they decided to announce with the headline, 302 00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:53,994 "Former Bachelorette Katie Thurston Dating Comedian." 303 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,204 No name. 304 00:15:58,332 --> 00:16:01,335 "Beauty queen fucks clown." That's what that said. 305 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,423 You know what pissed me off? They didn't even choose our photo of us 306 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:07,507 holding each other. 307 00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:12,179 They chose two separate photos of us alone and then just put them next to each other. 308 00:16:12,262 --> 00:16:14,765 It looks like I murdered her, dude. 309 00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:17,351 It's a photo of her on a red carpet like this, 310 00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:20,229 then a photo of me just outside looking into the camera. 311 00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,065 And all the comments underneath were so mean. 312 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,900 A lot of… Just so many vomit emojis. 313 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,237 So many, like, "Him, really? Ew." 314 00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:31,657 "That guy? Ew. That's your boyfriend? Ew." 315 00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,701 And it hurt my feelings. I'm not gonna lie. 316 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,744 It hurts to hear those things. 317 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,204 I'm almost 40 years old, dude. 318 00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:39,832 I'm not gonna reply to those comments, you know? 319 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:42,626 So I created a fake Instagram account. 320 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,672 Then I went to every one of those people's pages, 321 00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:51,176 and I commented the same thing verbatim on their children's pictures. 322 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:56,473 And it felt good, brother. 323 00:16:57,599 --> 00:17:00,602 You don't know the catharsis I felt 324 00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:03,564 sitting on the toilet like, "That's your son? Ew." 325 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:09,153 That's just… That's… I swear to God I did that. 326 00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,530 I just… I told my friend that in secret, 327 00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:13,866 and he laughed so hard that now I tell you guys. 328 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:23,459 Yeah, dude. I don't know. I feel like I have to grow up. 329 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:26,628 That's the type of shit I find funny, you know? How old are you guys? 330 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,297 How old are you? You seem about my age. 331 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,298 - Forty-two. - Forty-two. 332 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:31,216 Get the fuck out of here, Rich. 333 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,469 - Really? You look amazing, dude. - Thank you. 334 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,805 - That's great, man. Do you feel your age? - I do. 335 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,057 You do? How so? When? 336 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,560 - My knees. - Your knees? Oh. Oh, no. 337 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:42,643 Let me see them. 338 00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:45,898 Oh, fuck, yeah. 339 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,525 Those are so fucked up, dude. 340 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,694 Ew. 341 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,363 Not like… not like your knees. 342 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,907 Where's my 27-year-old baby boy? 343 00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,867 Let me see those. 344 00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:59,244 Oh, look at those knockers. Hell yeah, dude. 345 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:02,206 I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 346 00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:04,666 Uh, dude, I don't… I feel like we had this… 347 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,919 You're 42. I'm 38. We had the same shit. 348 00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,879 We had the same childhood for the most part. 349 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,215 You had, like, a Furby. 350 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,384 - I wanted one. - You wanted one. Aw. 351 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,637 Well, guess what? Look under your seat, buddy. 352 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,561 Wouldn't that… That'd be the cutest thing in the world. 353 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,271 He's like, "Oh my God." 354 00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:32,319 You had a Tamagotchi, right? Yeah, that was fun. 355 00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:34,029 - She still has one. - Still has one? 356 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,989 That's gotta be annoying. Uh… 357 00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:41,078 Wow. Did you… Dude, there was a toy. I don't know if you remember. 358 00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:43,497 It came out in 2000. I don't know if you guys had it. 359 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,332 It was called Big Mouth Billy Bass. 360 00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,084 - Do you guys remember? - Yeah! 361 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:48,794 Okay, let me explain, let me explain. 362 00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:52,005 It was this animatronic fish you put on the wall. 363 00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,551 I can hear you all explaining it to each other right now. 364 00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:59,930 I can hear all the men going, "Oh, let me take this one over for you, Jeff." 365 00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:03,725 "Yeah, come here, honey. It was a fish on a wall." 366 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,646 It was this fish on a wall, and what happened is, 367 00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:09,609 if you pressed the button or you walked past it, 368 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:13,694 it would activate it, and the tail would start wagging on the fish, 369 00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:16,864 and then music would start playing, and then during the chorus of the song, 370 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,615 he would fucking look at you. 371 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,604 Then he went back to being a fish. 372 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:28,041 And I remember when the battery started to die 373 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:29,960 on Big Mouth Billy Bass, 374 00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:32,629 the only drop in quality before it completely died 375 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:34,965 is when he went to go sing the chorus of the song, 376 00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:38,218 his speech would slow down. 377 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:41,805 Just for this chorus, and it scared the shit out of me as a kid. 378 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:44,474 The first song was, uh, "Take Me to the River", 379 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,810 and this is how it sounded when the batteries were dying. 380 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,812 It was like this. It'd be… … like, 381 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,648 I wanna know. Can you help me? 382 00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,943 How to love again 383 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,237 Take me 384 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:01,533 To the river 385 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,162 Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba 386 00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:07,122 Drop me 387 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:12,044 In the water 388 00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:14,963 And I'm 12, like "Billy. Billy." 389 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,759 Do you know what he sounded like? Do you remember this movie? 390 00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:21,720 - Do you remember The Silence of the Lambs? - Whoo! 391 00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:25,307 Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs is exactly how it sounded. 392 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:29,061 They put the lotion… put the lotion in the basket. 393 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,563 That guy, it sounded so much like Buffalo Bill, 394 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,233 I'm not even kidding around right now. 395 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,453 Tell me how much he sounds like Buffalo Bill 396 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:38,362 with this second song. I'm serious, tell me. 397 00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:41,365 I swear to God, this is how it sounded when the batteries were dying. 398 00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:42,448 It's crazy. 399 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,203 The second song is "Don't Worry, Be Happy." 400 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,413 Whoo! Whoo! 401 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,084 "I love that song." 402 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:58,090 Okay. 403 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,845 This is it. Tell me how much he sounds like Buffalo Bill. I'm not kidding. 404 00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:06,640 Here's a little song I wrote 405 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,851 You might want to sing it Note for note 406 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,395 Would you fuck me? 407 00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:16,233 Did you… 408 00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:18,360 'Cause I'd fuck me. 409 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:21,029 Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ohh 410 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,657 Then he tucked his little fish dick in. 411 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,665 Stop. 412 00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:33,375 You guys are so nice. 413 00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:37,337 Yeah, I have to grow up. 414 00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:39,881 How old are you, Dakota? 415 00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:42,843 - 37. - 37? Ooh, we're getting closer. 416 00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:44,344 - Dave? - 51. 417 00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:46,805 Too far. 418 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:50,851 I'm so… I'm… I'm so sorry. You do… I love you. 419 00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,062 Dude, do you… 420 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,357 I feel you look much younger than 51, if I'm being honest, Dave. 421 00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:58,525 You're welcome, man. 422 00:21:58,608 --> 00:21:59,985 Do you feel… Have you ever done… 423 00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:03,947 Have you done any old guy things? I've sneaked old guy things in my 30s. 424 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,911 Do you know what I mean? Let me give an example. 425 00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:08,076 Me and my wife went to a concert recently. 426 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,246 We got in line, and then a long line quickly formed behind us, 427 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:14,750 so I turned to her, and I said, "Looks like we got here just in time." 428 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,169 No? That one? 429 00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:20,255 How about this? Have you said this? I guarantee I got you with this one. 430 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,382 Have you said out loud, "That's how they get you?" 431 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:25,844 Have you said that out loud? Yeah, you did it here! 432 00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:27,220 You motherfucker. You… 433 00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:29,639 Wait. Wha… What was it? What was it? 434 00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:32,684 - The popcorn prices? - No, the price of a cocktail. 22 bucks. 435 00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:36,229 The price of a cocktail was 22 bucks? Goddamn it, David! That's how… 436 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:40,025 You did it today. 437 00:22:40,108 --> 00:22:41,735 Oh, I love that. 438 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:46,114 'Cause you don't know. If you're Gen Z, they're trying to get you. 439 00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,160 And it's up to guys like me and Dave to point them out and be like, 440 00:22:50,243 --> 00:22:52,662 "Stop! That's how they're gonna do it." 441 00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:56,792 I've been saying it so much, dude. I've been saying it… 442 00:22:56,875 --> 00:23:00,087 I did it at Walgreens, I remember. I was buying candy at Walgreens. 443 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,482 It was a dollar for the candy, and then underneath it said, 444 00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:04,633 "On sale, two for $2." 445 00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:06,676 Ugh! 446 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,846 Out loud, I'm like, "That's how they get you right there." 447 00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:12,849 I was alone. Who am I talking to? 448 00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:17,020 A buddy of mine, he's been incorporating old guy phrases. 449 00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:19,481 He's in his early 30s, and he's been incorporating it, 450 00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:21,733 but he's not letting go of his young guy phrases yet, 451 00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:23,568 so it's very confusing. 452 00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:27,072 He took a girl home after a show one time, and I was like, "Did you guys have sex?" 453 00:23:27,155 --> 00:23:31,118 He goes, "No, she just went down on me, and then we fooled around." 454 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:35,288 I giggled at that. I pictured, like, a blowjob and then hide-and-seek. 455 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,291 Like, "What are you doing?" 456 00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:41,295 She's like, "No, it's when she took her hand. I'm like, "Ugh, never mind." 457 00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:44,965 Don't… I don't wanna hear old and young next to each other, like, 458 00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:47,759 "I'm gonna eat ass and dilly-dally." I don't wanna hear that. 459 00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,850 Let me ask you this, Dave. 460 00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,226 Would you go back 461 00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:58,395 to a younger age if you could? 462 00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:00,146 Here's the catch. 463 00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:02,941 You say probably, but you'd have to go back to the old brain. 464 00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:05,944 Yeah, the old brain. 465 00:24:06,027 --> 00:24:08,613 I love that he asked his… He asked his wife what I said. 466 00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:10,407 He's like, "What did he say?" 467 00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:13,493 Obviously, he didn't do it with that voice, 468 00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:15,620 but I added it to be funny for you guys. 469 00:24:16,496 --> 00:24:18,457 "What did he say?" 470 00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:22,377 - You're being a good sport. I love you. - Thanks. 471 00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:25,505 Say it back. 472 00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:27,424 He just goes, "All right." 473 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,780 Here's an example of a mistake I've made. I don't know if you've made any. 474 00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:34,444 I want to hear from you about this, okay? 475 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,683 I'm gonna give an example, but I want to ask you after 476 00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:40,604 if you guys have an example of a mistake that stays with you, okay? 477 00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:44,649 I don't know if you know those mistakes. The ones you remember ten years later. 478 00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:47,068 Your brain just decides to bring it back up, 479 00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:50,280 and then you're walking down the street, and you go, "Fuck!" like that. 480 00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:52,741 Do you get those where you go regret… 481 00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:55,178 I call them regrets Tourette's, where you're walking around, 482 00:24:55,202 --> 00:24:57,787 and you're like, "Son of a bitch, motherfucker." 483 00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:59,414 And someone's like, "What happened?" 484 00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:01,917 You're like, "I called my teacher mom in 11th grade." 485 00:25:03,293 --> 00:25:04,586 This is my example. 486 00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:07,631 I was in Tulum a couple years ago for my birthday. 487 00:25:07,714 --> 00:25:09,382 Where are my Spanish speakers at? 488 00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:13,220 Yeah? Hell yeah. What's your name, miss? 489 00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:14,513 Shannon. 490 00:25:15,096 --> 00:25:17,807 Anybody over here? 491 00:25:23,104 --> 00:25:24,523 What's your name, miss? 492 00:25:25,148 --> 00:25:26,191 Whoa, what is it? 493 00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:27,817 Ana? 494 00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:30,612 Eh. 495 00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,781 - Say it one more time. I'm so sorry. - Ana. 496 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:36,451 Ana. Oh, what the fuck? I don't… 497 00:25:37,410 --> 00:25:39,538 I don't know why… 498 00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:42,207 I was li… I don't know why I tried turning it up so much. 499 00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:44,668 She said Ana, and I'm like, "Oh, your name is Alta." 500 00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:47,796 It was Ana. 501 00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:50,507 Nice to meet you. Are you guys… What's your ethnic background? 502 00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:53,385 - Uh, it's Mexican. - Nice, that's in Tulum. 503 00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:55,971 And… I don't know why I'm telling you that. 504 00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,807 Did you know that's where that is? 505 00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:01,768 That's some type of shit Shannon would say. 506 00:26:01,851 --> 00:26:05,105 I'm kidding. I love you, Shan Jan. 507 00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:13,530 I love the whole audience going, "Not further." 508 00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:16,575 "I'm lost. How did I get in here?" 509 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,961 So I was in Tulum. I was in Tulum, 510 00:26:28,044 --> 00:26:30,338 and we booked a resort for my birthday a couple years ago, 511 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,507 and I don't speak… Like I said, I speak zero Spanish, 512 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:35,802 and we accidentally booked an entirely Spanish-speaking resort, 513 00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:37,512 no English at all. 514 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:40,307 And every day, I needed to get soy milk for my coffee, 515 00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:42,809 and I knew that leche is milk, right, Ana? 516 00:26:42,892 --> 00:26:44,060 That's all I knew. 517 00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:46,563 So with confidence, every day, 518 00:26:46,646 --> 00:26:49,357 I walked over to a different barista with a black coffee, 519 00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:51,318 and said, "Soy leche." 520 00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:57,073 And every time, they were just like, "Okay." 521 00:26:58,408 --> 00:27:00,201 And they didn't do anything. 522 00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:04,205 Some of you guys know why this is funny already. 523 00:27:04,706 --> 00:27:06,333 I forgot I was in Arizona. 524 00:27:16,676 --> 00:27:19,763 But I do see a couple Dakotas that are lost, so let me… 525 00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:22,474 So Ana, let me explain to the gringos. 526 00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:23,642 Every day, 527 00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,019 I said "Soy leche" 528 00:27:26,102 --> 00:27:29,606 until the last day my brother-in-law goes, "Have you been saying that every day?" 529 00:27:29,689 --> 00:27:30,689 And I go, "Yeah, why?" 530 00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:34,444 He goes, "You're walking up to different Mexicans and saying, "I am milk."" 531 00:27:37,030 --> 00:27:40,200 And you're so white, they're just like, "Okay." 532 00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:42,869 "Congratulations." 533 00:27:44,287 --> 00:27:47,957 And then I learned, Ana, it's "leche de soja," right? Yes, yeah. 534 00:27:48,041 --> 00:27:51,670 I rehearsed it for like an hour and a half in my room in front of the mirror. 535 00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:54,506 "Leche de soja. Leche de soja." 536 00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:58,968 I went back the last day. I walked up to the barista I saw all week, 537 00:27:59,052 --> 00:28:01,471 and I walked up with confidence and rehearsal, 538 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:03,890 and I said "Leche de soja, por favor." 539 00:28:05,433 --> 00:28:09,479 And the guy goes, "¿Caliente o frio?" And I go, "Oh, sí." 540 00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:16,736 Sí. The whole plane ride home, "Oh, sí," you fucking idiot. 541 00:28:18,154 --> 00:28:20,354 But that's… Dude, that's why I wouldn't want to go back. 542 00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:22,283 Those mistakes, that's why. 543 00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:25,578 Anybody here who's made a similar mistake? Doesn't have to be language-based, 544 00:28:25,662 --> 00:28:28,206 but a mistake that makes you think all the time. 545 00:28:28,289 --> 00:28:29,666 Make some noise if you wanna… 546 00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:31,960 - Yeah! - Right there. I see your hand raised. 547 00:28:32,043 --> 00:28:33,086 What's your name, miss? 548 00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:35,213 - Grace. - Grace? Nice to meet you, Grace. 549 00:28:35,296 --> 00:28:37,841 What's something that you keep thinking about? 550 00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:42,554 We just started dating, and went to visit his friends for the first time in Phoenix. 551 00:28:42,637 --> 00:28:45,014 You just started dating, and you went to visit his friends 552 00:28:45,098 --> 00:28:46,298 for the first time in Phoenix. 553 00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:50,603 I do, like, so far, have to point out how far away he's leaning from you, right? 554 00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:55,650 He's like, "What the fuck? It's been a week." 555 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:59,904 It's okay, Grace. It's okay. Okay. 556 00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:04,492 In the best friend's house, they left some, like, magic lube on the bedside. 557 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:07,787 They left magic lube on the bedside for you two 558 00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:12,125 as a lark or as like a, "Hey, buddy, you're gonna need this." 559 00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:17,380 I thought they wanted to, like, set him up for that, 560 00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:19,382 but it ended up being cement paste. 561 00:29:21,342 --> 00:29:23,261 It was cement paste, not lube? 562 00:29:23,344 --> 00:29:24,471 Okay. 563 00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:28,558 Are you okay? 564 00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:30,518 Holy shit, dude. 565 00:29:31,644 --> 00:29:34,647 - We were able to detach. - You were able to detach? 566 00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:37,400 What the fuck happened? 567 00:29:39,319 --> 00:29:40,862 Are you engaged? 568 00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:44,824 You're married. Oh, okay. Wow. Fuck. 569 00:29:44,908 --> 00:29:46,576 So it worked. You guys… 570 00:29:49,370 --> 00:29:52,373 I assume you walked down the aisle together side by side. 571 00:29:54,375 --> 00:29:57,045 Whoa! Did you actually use it, or did you notice before? 572 00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:59,005 - Oh, we used it. - You used it? 573 00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:03,051 What? First of all, I don't think… 574 00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:06,137 I didn't know about cement paste until right now. 575 00:30:07,430 --> 00:30:09,307 But whoever works in their marketing department 576 00:30:09,390 --> 00:30:11,643 needs to put it in bigger letters, apparently. 577 00:30:13,061 --> 00:30:14,646 Something was clearly off 578 00:30:14,729 --> 00:30:18,566 because most lubes are, like, small and sleek and sexy, and this was… 579 00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:20,568 Wait, hold on a second. What the fuck? 580 00:30:21,194 --> 00:30:22,987 You said something was clearly off 581 00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:26,199 because all lubes are small and sleek and sexy? 582 00:30:26,282 --> 00:30:28,952 How much you lubing up, brother? 583 00:30:29,786 --> 00:30:32,872 This guy hasn't had a dry day in his life, dude. 584 00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:38,878 You know typical lubes. Smart, sexy, sleek. 585 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:43,424 This one, a bore. 586 00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:47,929 What the fuck? 587 00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:52,600 So you put… Yeah, okay. You have a question? Grace, go ahead. 588 00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:55,520 So far, you're my two favorite people I've ever met. 589 00:30:56,980 --> 00:31:01,943 I want to clarify, I saw my gynecologist who said I was just fine. 590 00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:04,487 Okay, so you want to clarify that you saw your gynecologist, 591 00:31:04,571 --> 00:31:07,574 and she said you're doing just fine? Hell yeah. 592 00:31:07,657 --> 00:31:10,702 I mean, you don't need a gyno. Just hire a contractor. 593 00:31:20,086 --> 00:31:22,547 He just kicks it. 594 00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:24,549 "That's a good foundation. You'll be all right." 595 00:31:25,758 --> 00:31:27,343 That's great. Dude, I love this. 596 00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,763 I would never… No offense, but like where's my boy? 597 00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:33,016 Where's my boy? Where's my Richie Rich? 598 00:31:34,350 --> 00:31:36,644 Richie. Richie. 599 00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:41,149 He's right here. Don't worry, I got him. What the fuck is that mustache? Holy shit. 600 00:31:43,067 --> 00:31:45,862 - What the fuck? - It snuck up on you. 601 00:31:45,945 --> 00:31:48,406 Holy shit. Where'd you meet her? On the railroad tracks? 602 00:31:48,489 --> 00:31:50,533 What the fuck, dude? 603 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:56,998 I'd talk to you, but I'd be afraid you'd say, "Huh, see," every time. 604 00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:00,627 Whoa, man. 605 00:32:01,210 --> 00:32:02,587 What is your name? 606 00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:04,505 - Mustache Mike. - Mustache Mike? 607 00:32:06,049 --> 00:32:07,467 What? You were just Mike, 608 00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:09,719 until you're like, "I need to be somebody else." 609 00:32:12,263 --> 00:32:14,599 How long is it? How long can you stretch that sucker out? 610 00:32:15,350 --> 00:32:16,643 Well, I mean… 611 00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:18,603 - I keep it curled. - You keep it curled? 612 00:32:18,686 --> 00:32:21,397 No, I noticed. You have to do that every day, right? 613 00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:23,483 What do you do? What do you do for work, Mike? 614 00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:26,694 - I'm an ironworker. - You're an ironworker. Yes, of course. 615 00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:31,240 Hell yeah. Well, thank you for stopping by from 1922. 616 00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:37,205 What the fuck? 617 00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:40,333 An ironworker with that mustache? What, do you box like this? 618 00:32:46,923 --> 00:32:48,925 This is so fucking fun, dude. 619 00:32:49,425 --> 00:32:51,552 You're the best. This whole area is the best. 620 00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:54,847 Yeah, I would never want to go back. I think… I wouldn't… I respe… 621 00:32:54,931 --> 00:32:57,225 - How old are you, man? 38, same. - 38. 622 00:32:57,308 --> 00:33:01,270 Okay, hell yeah. Would you go back to just Mike, no mustache? 623 00:33:02,939 --> 00:33:04,399 It was fun, but probably not. 624 00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:06,567 I would not wanna go back to the same mistakes. 625 00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:10,196 That's my biggest takeaway, dude. I don't want to go back to 22. 626 00:33:10,279 --> 00:33:12,782 I don't wanna go back to being the guy at the strip club, like, 627 00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:16,119 "No. I think she likes me, you know?" Yeah. 628 00:33:16,202 --> 00:33:17,745 That's funny to you. 629 00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:21,708 Look around. Those young guys are like, "Sometimes they do like you, though." 630 00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:24,919 No, they don't. That's how they get you, fellas. 631 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:31,843 Gotta be… 632 00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:37,056 This is so cool, man. I think that's what it is too. 633 00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,892 I feel like nobody… You don't ever feel your age, right? 634 00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:43,146 You never feel your age because I think it's never just time passing. 635 00:33:43,229 --> 00:33:45,732 You don't turn 35, and you go, "Oh, time to be 35." 636 00:33:45,815 --> 00:33:48,401 It's just events in your life, you know? It could be a child. 637 00:33:48,484 --> 00:33:51,612 It could be something tragic, and unfortunately, that was, uh… 638 00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:53,616 That's what happened to me and my wife this year. 639 00:33:53,656 --> 00:33:56,409 We kind of had a lot of growing up to do this year, uh… 640 00:33:56,492 --> 00:33:58,172 Some of you may know, but back in February, 641 00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:00,705 my wife was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. 642 00:34:00,788 --> 00:34:02,540 Uh, it flipped our world upside down, 643 00:34:02,623 --> 00:34:05,334 and I bring it up because I want to talk about our life since then, 644 00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:09,964 but I also want to reassure you guys that my wife is kicking cancer's ass right now. 645 00:34:23,811 --> 00:34:25,146 She's the best. 646 00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:33,321 I bring it up also because I want to talk about our life since then. 647 00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,698 I can't talk about having cancer. I've never had cancer. 648 00:34:35,782 --> 00:34:38,076 But I can talk about being married to somebody… somebody… 649 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,244 You're being in love with somebody with cancer, 650 00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:43,831 and I can tell you the hardest part, I think so far, 651 00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,375 was about the first, like, three or four weeks. 652 00:34:47,043 --> 00:34:50,129 Uh… I couldn't get her to laugh, man. 653 00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:53,716 And that's, like… That's all I got, you know? 654 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:55,927 I didn't know how to do it. I tried everything, 655 00:34:56,010 --> 00:34:59,055 and I couldn't get her to laugh, and I just… I felt like a failure to her. 656 00:34:59,138 --> 00:35:02,600 And then I remember about three weeks in, I got her to laugh. 657 00:35:02,683 --> 00:35:05,812 I remember that moment, and I told her a very stupid joke 658 00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:07,772 that was not funny at all, 659 00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:10,455 but that's my favorite joke because I got a little bit out of her. 660 00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:12,527 I'm gonna tell you that joke right now. 661 00:35:12,610 --> 00:35:15,404 You better fucking laugh. 662 00:35:15,988 --> 00:35:16,988 It was about midnight. 663 00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,909 We were hanging out in bed, and she made a very dark comment. 664 00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:21,744 She said something kind of sad, 665 00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:24,080 and I just wanted to retort with something kind of fun. 666 00:35:24,163 --> 00:35:28,084 She said, "Do you know when I die, you'd be a widower?" 667 00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:30,503 And I said, "Well, that sucks because I'm 5'8, 668 00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:32,213 so I'm already pretty widow." 669 00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:46,477 And it was a small laugh. 670 00:35:47,270 --> 00:35:50,022 It was a very small laugh from her. She rolled her eyes mostly. 671 00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:52,358 In her defense, I was half-naked except for a T-shirt, 672 00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:54,569 and I wiggled it, you know? 673 00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:57,155 I used a little prop comedy, you know what I mean, Dave? 674 00:35:58,364 --> 00:35:59,991 But that's what I realized she needed. 675 00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:02,910 It was not for me to just hug her, tell her everything's gonna be okay. 676 00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:05,472 She doesn't want that. She wants me to put cancer on the ground 677 00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:07,540 and make fun of it, and that's what we do now. 678 00:36:07,623 --> 00:36:11,752 And my wife is probably even better at that than I am. 679 00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:14,213 I'm gonna tell you something that she said. I'm not kidding. 680 00:36:14,297 --> 00:36:17,258 One week ago, we were in Boston. We drove from New York to Boston. 681 00:36:17,341 --> 00:36:21,470 Just to give you an idea of how badass and hilarious my wife is. 682 00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,556 It was supposed to be a four-hour drive. 683 00:36:23,639 --> 00:36:26,434 It took 8 1⁄2 hours for us to drive there with traffic. 684 00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:29,979 The whole ride, I was just teasing her and bugging her the whole time. 685 00:36:30,062 --> 00:36:32,064 And at one point, I make a quip. I go, "Hey, yeah." 686 00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:34,442 "That's too bad you're stuck with me for life, baby." 687 00:36:34,525 --> 00:36:38,196 And she goes, "Why do you think God gave me stage 4 cancer?" 688 00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:43,409 I'm going 70 miles, like, "What the fuck?" 689 00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:47,914 "What the fuck?" And she's just like, "Ha ha ha." 690 00:36:49,832 --> 00:36:52,644 I bring that up 'cause I'm gonna talk about teasing her in a lot of ways 691 00:36:52,668 --> 00:36:54,003 as well as her teasing me, 692 00:36:54,086 --> 00:36:56,339 but I want you to know she handles it, man. 693 00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:59,508 She's a trooper when it comes to taking jokes and stuff. 694 00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:04,013 And I say that 'cause I want to tell you 695 00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:05,973 my favorite prank I've ever pulled on my wife. 696 00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:07,600 I think my favorite prank ever. 697 00:37:07,683 --> 00:37:09,393 When I moved her from L.A. to New York, 698 00:37:09,477 --> 00:37:11,877 the first thing she said was, "I wanna get a New York slice." 699 00:37:11,938 --> 00:37:14,273 I said, "Hell yeah." She goes, "I want a cheese slice." 700 00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:16,692 I said, "In New York, we call it a regular slice." 701 00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:19,862 And she goes, "Oh, okay. What other things about New York should I know?" 702 00:37:19,946 --> 00:37:23,824 And then I started making things up. 703 00:37:23,908 --> 00:37:27,662 And the first thing I said was, "If you ever want a bagel in New York 704 00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:30,748 and you want cream cheese on that bagel, you don't say cream cheese." 705 00:37:30,831 --> 00:37:33,084 You say, "Make it sloppy." 706 00:37:35,253 --> 00:37:38,381 And that's a little bit funny. That's kind of funny, right? 707 00:37:38,464 --> 00:37:41,175 But what's really funny is that she did it. 708 00:37:42,218 --> 00:37:44,345 That was my favorite day of 2025. 709 00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:47,890 When she goes, "Oh, really? I'm gonna go get us bagels. 710 00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:50,142 And I'm like, "I'm coming with you." 711 00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:53,854 We walked up to the deli counter and she looks at him and goes, 712 00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:57,733 "Hi, can I have two everything bagels?" And then looked at me for validation. 713 00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,444 And I… I remember that moment. 714 00:38:01,612 --> 00:38:03,656 Because that was my last chance. 715 00:38:04,156 --> 00:38:05,700 That was my last chance to be like, 716 00:38:05,783 --> 00:38:08,160 "It's called cream cheese, nothing else, I apologize." 717 00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:12,498 But instead, I stoically looked at her and said, "You got this." 718 00:38:14,041 --> 00:38:17,878 And then she looked at the guy and goes, "And please make them sloppy." 719 00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:23,968 And he stopped what he was doing and just goes, "What does this mean?" 720 00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,973 And she goes, "Oh, like, cream cheese?" 721 00:38:29,056 --> 00:38:32,560 And then, so delicately, he goes, "Say cream cheese." 722 00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:37,523 And dude, the daggers she shot at me. 723 00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:41,694 But I couldn't miss the opportunity to go, "Say cream cheese." 724 00:38:43,404 --> 00:38:44,864 We didn't have sex for two weeks. 725 00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,200 Worth it, though. 726 00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:52,705 Man, we weren't having sex anyway, so fuck it. 727 00:38:52,788 --> 00:38:54,957 To be honest, we weren't, 'cause we were actually, uh… 728 00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,876 This year, after she got diagnosed, 729 00:38:56,959 --> 00:39:00,838 they had told her she has ten days to decide if she ever wants kids, 730 00:39:00,921 --> 00:39:03,382 um, because we have to go through the IVF process. 731 00:39:03,466 --> 00:39:08,471 Um, if you guys don't know what that is, I'm not as sure either, uh… 732 00:39:08,971 --> 00:39:11,474 We brought science in to make a baby, basically, 733 00:39:11,557 --> 00:39:15,311 and we have two healthy female embryos waiting for us when we are ready. 734 00:39:15,394 --> 00:39:17,813 And I'm so excited for that. 735 00:39:18,522 --> 00:39:19,690 But the process… 736 00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:22,985 I gotta say, the process itself is difficult. 737 00:39:23,069 --> 00:39:25,780 Not… Has anybody here gone through that as a couple here 738 00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:29,200 that's willing to chat about it a little bit? Yeah? Ana? Ana. 739 00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:32,953 Ana and Hector, you guys have gone through it? That's amazing. 740 00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:35,122 Good for you. Are there results we can talk about? 741 00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:38,584 Not yet? Okay, all right. That's all good. Well, I'm excited for you both. 742 00:39:38,667 --> 00:39:41,504 You're working on it, as are we. That's amazing. 743 00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:46,842 So you, Ana, have to go through so much, right, buddy? 744 00:39:46,926 --> 00:39:49,136 If you were to put the work… the group project, 745 00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:51,847 and who did the most work, it's mostly her, right? 746 00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:55,768 Our one contribution was something we've been preparing our whole lives for. 747 00:39:55,851 --> 00:39:58,687 - Ha. It's what? It's awkward. - Awkward. 748 00:39:58,771 --> 00:40:03,192 All right, yeah. I mean, you're the only one in there. 749 00:40:03,275 --> 00:40:06,362 He just gets shy with himself. He's like, "What's your name?" 750 00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:08,697 That's what we had to do. We had to… 751 00:40:08,781 --> 00:40:11,617 Did you do it in the clinic or the hospital, or did you do it at home? 752 00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:13,828 - No, the clinic. - The clinic. Yeah, me too. 753 00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:15,996 They give you the option, though. Did you know that? 754 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:19,542 For the sperm sample, they tell you, "You could do it at home," 755 00:40:19,625 --> 00:40:22,461 but you just have to get it there in 45 minutes. 756 00:40:23,337 --> 00:40:26,924 I was like, "Oh, what a fun day through New York City that would be." 757 00:40:27,925 --> 00:40:31,011 Just running through the streets like, "Hot soup!" 758 00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:33,681 No. No. 759 00:40:34,181 --> 00:40:36,142 I'd rather do it there. That's where I did too. 760 00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:39,645 You went in the clinic? Yep. And you have to do it into a cup, right? 761 00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:41,397 That was weird. Isn't that weird? 762 00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:43,649 Have you ever done into a cup before? 763 00:40:43,732 --> 00:40:46,902 No, neither have I. I don't want to judge. Don't… don't judge. 764 00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:49,673 There could be a guy here like, "Don't touch my diamond-backed cups." 765 00:40:49,697 --> 00:40:52,241 I'm not… 766 00:40:52,324 --> 00:40:53,534 Don't judge, Hector. 767 00:40:55,953 --> 00:40:58,223 But you went in the room and… When they handed me the cup, 768 00:40:58,247 --> 00:41:00,458 I remember she handed me the cup, and this threw me off. 769 00:41:00,541 --> 00:41:03,419 She goes, "Oh, and by the way, there's no assistance whatsoever." 770 00:41:03,502 --> 00:41:05,588 And I go, "Of course." 771 00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:06,881 And I go to the room. 772 00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:09,884 And it wasn't until like a week later, after I was already done, 773 00:41:09,967 --> 00:41:12,845 that I realized she meant no lube or lotion. 774 00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:16,849 I swear to God. I thought she handed me a cup, 775 00:41:16,932 --> 00:41:19,685 and was like, "And I'm not gonna jerk you off in there." 776 00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:24,565 I was like, "Oh my God, okay. This must be a new policy." 777 00:41:24,648 --> 00:41:27,568 She brought it up so sternly. 778 00:41:28,777 --> 00:41:31,530 Then he went in the room and did it. Let me ask you this, Hector. 779 00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:35,409 How long did you take? 780 00:41:36,619 --> 00:41:37,953 - Five minutes. - Five minutes. 781 00:41:38,537 --> 00:41:40,414 About the same. I was about three minutes. 782 00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:43,792 And then I was worried, so then I sat in there 783 00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:47,129 and I was like, "Now, what's a cool guy amount of time?" 784 00:41:49,048 --> 00:41:52,927 I don't wanna pop out in three minutes, and then be like, "Okay, thanks." 785 00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:57,431 So I waited in the room like 25 minutes after that. 786 00:41:58,432 --> 00:42:00,518 That was too long. I… They knocked. 787 00:42:00,601 --> 00:42:03,103 I don't think they've ever had to do that before. 788 00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:07,024 I think it was 'cause I had my volume up. I was watching Reels on my phone. 789 00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:08,526 Just killing time. 790 00:42:08,609 --> 00:42:11,153 I had the volume up, which they were probably walking by, like, 791 00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:14,156 "I think there's a guy jerking off to baseball highlights in there." 792 00:42:16,700 --> 00:42:20,454 Then I left. I remember this too. I kept myself unzipped. I don't know why. 793 00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:23,082 My logic was that if they busted into the room, 794 00:42:23,165 --> 00:42:25,834 I didn't want to not be doing anything. 795 00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:28,420 I think that'd be weirder if they come into the room 796 00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:31,465 and I'm sitting there like "I'm waiting for assistance," you know? 797 00:42:32,216 --> 00:42:35,469 So I kept my pants kind of undone in case they popped in the room. 798 00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:39,181 I could be like, "Hey, get out of here. I'm jerking off like you told me to." 799 00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:43,269 But that was it. That's all I had to do. Just one day of cranking it. What? 800 00:42:43,352 --> 00:42:44,979 - I had to do it twice. - Twice? 801 00:42:45,062 --> 00:42:49,650 - So the first time I had to do it... - Okay. 802 00:42:49,733 --> 00:42:52,486 I did not even ask a follow-up. That was… 803 00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:55,072 "I did it twice, and come closer so I can tell you." 804 00:42:57,616 --> 00:42:58,492 Okay, keep going. 805 00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:02,079 So the first time, I wasn't prepared. I didn't take headphones with me. 806 00:43:02,162 --> 00:43:03,706 You didn't take headphones? 807 00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:06,709 Hector, I like where this is going, brother. 808 00:43:09,461 --> 00:43:12,631 I get to the clinic, and so I wasn't prepared or anything like that. 809 00:43:12,715 --> 00:43:14,555 "Just step in the bathroom, and do your thing." 810 00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:16,427 They put you in the bathroom? 811 00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:18,512 So that means there's probably a sink, right? 812 00:43:18,596 --> 00:43:22,141 And then there's a mirror. Uh-oh. 813 00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:24,518 I think every guy has done that at some point, 814 00:43:24,602 --> 00:43:27,021 where you put the phone up there to watch it, you know? 815 00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:28,981 And then you're doing your thing, 816 00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:32,318 and then you accidentally make eye contact with yourself. 817 00:43:32,401 --> 00:43:35,738 Yep? If that's when you bust, that's when you bust. 818 00:43:38,198 --> 00:43:40,242 Keep going, Hector. This is your story. 819 00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:46,832 - So the walls were super thin. - The walls were super thin? 820 00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,627 So you can hear the lobby. The kids in there. 821 00:43:53,922 --> 00:43:57,009 So you can hear the lobby? You can hear kids in the lobby? 822 00:43:58,552 --> 00:43:59,552 Yeah. 823 00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,182 I don't… Oh, keep going so we can move past that part. 824 00:44:04,308 --> 00:44:06,352 That was the first time, and then the second time 825 00:44:06,435 --> 00:44:08,979 you came and you brought headphones, noise-canceling headphones. 826 00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:13,942 Then you got… That was the good one? That was the good one? 827 00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:18,364 So… the last one. Did you leave when you couldn't do it? 828 00:44:18,447 --> 00:44:20,824 Did you leave and you're like, "The walls are too thin"? 829 00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:21,784 Yep. 830 00:44:21,867 --> 00:44:24,870 You just walked out, and they're like, "Hey, where's the cum?" 831 00:44:26,622 --> 00:44:28,707 I'm sure they said it more professionally. 832 00:44:28,791 --> 00:44:30,501 I don't think you were walking out, 833 00:44:30,584 --> 00:44:34,838 and they were like, "Hey, you forgot to give us your nut, Hector." 834 00:44:34,922 --> 00:44:38,092 "Come on. Come on." 835 00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:41,053 Wow. That's crazy, dude. 836 00:44:41,136 --> 00:44:42,930 Thank you for being honest. Let's just be… 837 00:44:43,013 --> 00:44:46,058 Can we say something? Hector did a great job tonight, guys, huh? 838 00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:48,394 That was great. 839 00:44:51,563 --> 00:44:54,358 Now, Ana, I want to talk to you. Now, what you've had to go through 840 00:44:54,441 --> 00:44:57,945 is ten times worse than having to jerk off twice with no headphones. 841 00:44:58,696 --> 00:45:01,156 You go through the shots in the belly every morning and night. 842 00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:04,576 Am I right? Are you doing them yourself? God bless you. That's great. 843 00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:08,247 My wife is… is terrified of needles, so she's unable to do it herself. 844 00:45:08,330 --> 00:45:11,083 I started doing her needles for her in the morning and at night, 845 00:45:11,166 --> 00:45:15,129 but then I became a villain in her life where she was scared to see me coming. 846 00:45:15,754 --> 00:45:18,340 So I decided to create a new character in our home. 847 00:45:18,424 --> 00:45:21,677 I bought a full doctor's uniform on Amazon. 848 00:45:22,177 --> 00:45:24,304 I would dress up every morning and night for her, 849 00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:27,683 and it was cute as hell the first couple days. I'll be honest. 850 00:45:27,766 --> 00:45:30,394 But then it got pretty sexy, and I couldn't help it. 851 00:45:31,937 --> 00:45:34,440 Because I would stay in character. That was the issue. 852 00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:37,484 - She'd be like, "Give me a kiss." - I'm like, "I could lose my license." 853 00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:40,988 I'd push her away. I'd push her away by the face. 854 00:45:41,071 --> 00:45:43,657 "Get out of here. Go back to the lobby. I got other patients." 855 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:48,495 That was what was weird about it, is that you actually… 856 00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:51,540 I don't know if you know this. When you're doing IVF, you can't have sex. 857 00:45:51,623 --> 00:45:54,543 Did you know that? Yeah. That's what she said they said. 858 00:45:54,626 --> 00:45:57,463 So… 859 00:45:59,047 --> 00:46:01,508 So we didn't have sex throughout all of it. 860 00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,177 She's so empathetic and nice, 861 00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:05,471 she goes, "I know we haven't had sex in about a month, 862 00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:08,515 and I just want to let you know you can masturbate if you want to." 863 00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:13,520 And then I had to be like, "Oh my God, thank you so much." 864 00:46:15,272 --> 00:46:18,317 "Wow, are you sure? Because I can continue to wait." 865 00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:23,197 I've been in the shower going, "No, get out of here." 866 00:46:24,156 --> 00:46:26,408 "Stop." 867 00:46:28,494 --> 00:46:31,789 I never miss a day. 868 00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:34,750 That's my own Duolingo streak. I'm not fucking it up. 869 00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:40,756 She's really sweet about it, though. 870 00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,134 She does ask a lot of questions, and she was like, "Do you masturbate?" 871 00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:46,595 I was like, "Of course." She's like, "Where do you do it?" 872 00:46:46,678 --> 00:46:49,139 And I was like, "You're asking too many fucking questions." 873 00:46:50,349 --> 00:46:52,643 She goes, "I want you to feel comfortable doing it." 874 00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:55,354 I'm like, "Legally, that's not the thing." 875 00:46:56,438 --> 00:46:58,719 She's like, "In bed. I just want you to feel comfortable." 876 00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:02,694 "If you wanted to do it in bed next to me, that's fine, just give me a heads-up." 877 00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:05,614 And I was like, "That sounds horrifying for you." 878 00:47:06,865 --> 00:47:11,662 You want me to elbow you at 2 a.m. like, "Hey, it's happening, you know?" 879 00:47:12,746 --> 00:47:15,290 "Earplugs, baby girl, I'm about to make it sloppy." 880 00:47:15,374 --> 00:47:17,709 I'm not. No way, dude. 881 00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:24,967 Porn is funny. I gotta say that. I stopped watching porn. 882 00:47:25,467 --> 00:47:27,803 Today? Yeah, and I… 883 00:47:29,012 --> 00:47:31,723 I think millennials are the last generation 884 00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:34,726 to feel the shame that we feel with pornography, 885 00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:38,105 'cause we were the last generation to receive the Internet. 886 00:47:38,188 --> 00:47:40,482 Every other generation grew up with the Internet after us. 887 00:47:40,566 --> 00:47:42,776 We were the last ones around ten to 13 years old 888 00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:46,071 where we were handed the Internet by our parents who didn't know how to use it. 889 00:47:46,154 --> 00:47:48,282 So they gave us a computer, and they're like, 890 00:47:48,365 --> 00:47:50,951 "There's boobies on there, but don't look for them." 891 00:47:52,786 --> 00:47:53,912 And we all learned. 892 00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:56,456 Why do you think so many millennials work in IT? 893 00:47:56,540 --> 00:48:00,752 We were all 12 years old, like… 894 00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:05,299 That's… I learned about computers so quickly because of that. 895 00:48:05,382 --> 00:48:08,010 I used to delete my search… You delete your search history, Dave? 896 00:48:08,927 --> 00:48:10,304 All of it, even the cookies. 897 00:48:10,387 --> 00:48:12,931 I don't know what they do, but I know they'll fuck you up. 898 00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,561 So I deleted the cookies. Here's the problem. Here's my trauma. 899 00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:20,606 My dad didn't know how to delete his search history. 900 00:48:20,689 --> 00:48:22,524 Yeah. 901 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:27,195 So I used to delete his for us. 902 00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:31,533 'Cause if he goes down, this whole fucking thing goes down. 903 00:48:32,326 --> 00:48:35,162 So every night at 2 a.m., I slide downstairs 904 00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:37,289 and delete it manually. 905 00:48:37,789 --> 00:48:39,791 And I remember one time I got caught. 906 00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:41,877 I got caught not deleting my search history. 907 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,755 My mom found it on the computer and printed it out 908 00:48:44,838 --> 00:48:46,715 for when I got home from school. 909 00:48:46,798 --> 00:48:48,091 She printed it out, dude. 910 00:48:48,175 --> 00:48:52,095 This is a 1997 Epson printer. It took a while. 911 00:48:52,971 --> 00:48:54,514 This poor woman's standing over it. 912 00:48:56,975 --> 00:49:00,103 "Oh, oh, oh." 913 00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:01,772 She left it on the counter. 914 00:49:01,855 --> 00:49:03,899 I get home from school. She just points at it. 915 00:49:03,982 --> 00:49:08,236 - She goes, "Do you have anything to say?" - And I go, "Oh my God." 916 00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:11,323 "Dad's been watching porn." 917 00:49:11,406 --> 00:49:14,743 I flipped on him the first chance I got. 918 00:49:14,826 --> 00:49:16,036 I ratted him out. 919 00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:19,081 I was like, "And he's smoking cigarettes too." 920 00:49:19,581 --> 00:49:20,958 'Cause that's the way it was. 921 00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,919 My dad wasn't allowed to look at porn and smoke. Then he did both. 922 00:49:24,002 --> 00:49:26,171 So I would take his porn and take his cigarettes. 923 00:49:26,254 --> 00:49:27,494 He's like, "You can't do that." 924 00:49:27,547 --> 00:49:31,093 And I'm like, "Who the fuck are you gonna tell?" 925 00:49:31,176 --> 00:49:33,762 That's what you get for calling me gay, Dad. 926 00:49:40,435 --> 00:49:43,522 We have sex now, though, my wife and I, which is pretty sick. 927 00:49:45,148 --> 00:49:45,983 My wife. Jesus! 928 00:49:46,066 --> 00:49:49,277 Did you think I was talking about my dad? 929 00:49:49,361 --> 00:49:52,155 Holy shit. That would show him. 930 00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:55,158 Who's gay now? 931 00:50:08,213 --> 00:50:10,966 He's here. I'm not joking. He's here. 932 00:50:16,972 --> 00:50:19,141 No, I have sex with my wife. 933 00:50:20,183 --> 00:50:22,352 In her vagina. That's where she likes it. 934 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:27,024 Dude, we had sex… We recorded it, actually. 935 00:50:27,107 --> 00:50:29,609 Yeah. Has anybody ever recorded themselves doing it before? 936 00:50:29,693 --> 00:50:31,069 Yeah? 937 00:50:31,153 --> 00:50:33,572 You, right in front? Oh, nice. It's just you. 938 00:50:33,655 --> 00:50:35,991 You don't want to? Okay. 939 00:50:36,491 --> 00:50:38,618 Okay, so, yeah, cameras. Attack. 940 00:50:41,496 --> 00:50:42,330 What the hell? 941 00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:45,834 You shouldn't be so shy around these cameras. 942 00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:49,046 You wanna tell me about it, or no? 943 00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:52,466 I just… I don't need to know the details. Just some of the details. 944 00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:55,844 Was it for yourself? Who are you here with? 945 00:50:55,927 --> 00:50:57,429 - My mom. - Oh. 946 00:51:04,227 --> 00:51:07,564 A hug was a weird choice. 947 00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:08,774 Okay, so… 948 00:51:10,358 --> 00:51:12,819 Uh, okay, um… 949 00:51:14,154 --> 00:51:16,490 - Did you want me to move on? - Yeah. 950 00:51:16,573 --> 00:51:19,826 I will respect that 100%. I'm not here to make you feel uncomfortable. 951 00:51:19,910 --> 00:51:22,370 Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you for real. 952 00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,914 I appreciate you. I'm not gonna… 953 00:51:23,997 --> 00:51:25,624 You're a teacher? Oh, okay. 954 00:51:25,707 --> 00:51:28,794 I know why. 955 00:51:28,877 --> 00:51:31,171 Oh! Holy shit. 956 00:51:31,713 --> 00:51:35,175 There's 50 guys in here going, "Time to go back to school." 957 00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:39,262 Not me, though. Mm-mm. 958 00:51:39,763 --> 00:51:42,474 That's great. Did you go to school to become a teacher? 959 00:51:42,557 --> 00:51:44,142 - No. - What did you study? 960 00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:46,103 - Psychology. - Psychology, whoa. 961 00:51:46,186 --> 00:51:49,106 That's important as a teacher. You gotta know what those kids are up to. 962 00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:51,441 I went to school for English, so I can't talk shit. 963 00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:54,903 Yeah, oh, you… Somebody else went to… You did too? What do you do now? 964 00:51:54,986 --> 00:51:57,739 - I'm a mommy. - You're a mom. I can't do that. 965 00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:01,326 My friends made fun of me so much for going. 966 00:52:01,409 --> 00:52:03,638 They're like, "English. What are you gonna do with that?" 967 00:52:03,662 --> 00:52:06,414 "Flip burgers real good?" And I'm like, "No, dick." 968 00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:08,416 "I'm gonna flip burgers really well, okay?" 969 00:52:08,500 --> 00:52:11,962 Yeah. 970 00:52:14,381 --> 00:52:15,423 Thank you. 971 00:52:16,341 --> 00:52:18,176 Anyways, I have sex with my wife, 972 00:52:18,260 --> 00:52:22,305 and… we recorded it, but we didn't mean to record it. 973 00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:24,029 What happened was, we got a dog recently, 974 00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:26,852 so we got a dog camera installed on our shelf. 975 00:52:26,935 --> 00:52:28,728 A Furbo, if you will, 976 00:52:28,812 --> 00:52:31,815 and that thing just picks up movement, any movement. 977 00:52:32,315 --> 00:52:35,902 And not to brag, I was moving. 978 00:52:35,986 --> 00:52:37,195 And we didn't know this, 979 00:52:37,279 --> 00:52:41,908 and it was pinging my wife's phone with ten-second clips of us having sex 980 00:52:42,617 --> 00:52:44,661 over and over again. 981 00:52:44,744 --> 00:52:48,373 And it was from the app, so it was like, "Your dog is in pain right now." 982 00:52:50,917 --> 00:52:53,336 She thought it'd be funny to send me these ten-second clips. 983 00:52:53,420 --> 00:52:57,799 My wife thought it'd be hilarious to send me the entirety of us having sex 984 00:52:57,883 --> 00:52:59,050 to my phone. 985 00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:01,261 Yeah, she sent me both clips. 986 00:53:03,930 --> 00:53:05,182 I don't know if you guys 987 00:53:05,265 --> 00:53:07,642 have ever seen footage of yourself having sex, 988 00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:10,645 but that's a great way to start making changes in your life. 989 00:53:11,813 --> 00:53:14,524 It's a motivator, dude. I found this out about myself. 990 00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:19,571 When she's on top and I'm underneath, apparently, I curl my hands into my chest. 991 00:53:20,155 --> 00:53:22,782 That fucking sucks, dude. 992 00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:26,953 To find out your favorite position is cozy? Ew. 993 00:53:27,746 --> 00:53:31,791 Oh, I'm just missing a good book and a little bit of rain. Mm-mm. 994 00:53:32,292 --> 00:53:34,711 I was screaming at the footage like it was game tape. 995 00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:39,216 I was like, "Brother, you gotta move your hands, man. Come on." 996 00:53:41,426 --> 00:53:44,721 I didn't know how much back hair I had until I saw this shit. 997 00:53:44,804 --> 00:53:47,891 Do you know how much back hair you have to have for a three-megapixel camera 998 00:53:47,974 --> 00:53:49,100 to pick it up? 999 00:53:49,976 --> 00:53:51,019 I was squinting like, 1000 00:53:51,102 --> 00:53:53,730 "Did I fall into Oreos? What am I doing right now?" 1001 00:53:55,190 --> 00:53:57,943 I should… It was all her. It was all mostly her on top. 1002 00:53:58,026 --> 00:53:59,986 What do you call that position, by the way, dude? 1003 00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:02,614 - Cowgirl. - Cowgirl. Yes. Isn't that fun? 1004 00:54:02,697 --> 00:54:05,325 I… No. 1005 00:54:05,408 --> 00:54:06,910 I love that. I just love the title. 1006 00:54:06,993 --> 00:54:10,747 It describes what's happening so well. I get it. I'm the horse. 1007 00:54:11,498 --> 00:54:14,376 But if it's guy on top, it's missionary. 1008 00:54:14,459 --> 00:54:17,545 "Have you heard the word of Jesus, girl?" Why? 1009 00:54:18,713 --> 00:54:19,881 Disgusting. 1010 00:54:21,007 --> 00:54:23,510 Why can't we have cowboy? It's right next to it. 1011 00:54:24,344 --> 00:54:26,704 I'd love cowboy. I'd have fun with it. I'd be up there like, 1012 00:54:26,763 --> 00:54:28,598 "Whoa, girl," you know what I mean? 1013 00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:32,102 She would hate it, though. My wife, she'd be like… 1014 00:54:32,185 --> 00:54:33,812 You know? 1015 00:54:33,895 --> 00:54:35,647 Like a horse. 1016 00:54:37,065 --> 00:54:39,359 I hated seeing that back hair, dude. 1017 00:54:39,442 --> 00:54:41,820 Hey, where are my back hair boys? 1018 00:54:42,904 --> 00:54:44,322 Dakota? My boy. 1019 00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:45,991 My baby boy. 1020 00:54:46,574 --> 00:54:48,034 We're so similar, Dakota. 1021 00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,414 Do you shave it? Does your wife shave it? What happens? 1022 00:54:52,497 --> 00:54:55,542 - I do it. - You shave it? What about the… the middle? 1023 00:54:56,501 --> 00:54:58,741 Do you have, like, a patch in the center you can't reach? 1024 00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:03,008 You got a long reacher. Good for you, dude. I stopped shaving. 1025 00:55:03,091 --> 00:55:05,260 Let me ask you this, Dakota. You ever shave down here? 1026 00:55:05,343 --> 00:55:07,262 - Yeah. - Yeah? Shave, shave? 1027 00:55:07,345 --> 00:55:09,514 Dude, I did it once. I'll never do it again. 1028 00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:12,892 I swear to… Dude, I was like 20… I'm gonna stop making eye contact. 1029 00:55:12,976 --> 00:55:14,811 When I was like… 1030 00:55:14,894 --> 00:55:16,146 …25. I was dating this girl. 1031 00:55:16,229 --> 00:55:18,815 I was dating this beautiful girl. Or… She was fine. 1032 00:55:22,944 --> 00:55:24,863 My wife's here. 1033 00:55:25,572 --> 00:55:29,617 Anyways, I was dating this girl. She… Real hog of a lady. 1034 00:55:32,120 --> 00:55:35,749 I… I was dating this real oinker a few years back. 1035 00:55:38,710 --> 00:55:40,795 She had a lot of pubic hair, which is fine, 1036 00:55:40,879 --> 00:55:43,899 but I was dumb and young, I was like, "I don't like that. I should tell her." 1037 00:55:43,923 --> 00:55:45,800 I didn't know how to tell her, so I Googled, 1038 00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:48,970 "How do I tell my girlfriend I don't like her pubic hair?" 1039 00:55:49,054 --> 00:55:51,848 And Google came back with, "Don't fucking do that." 1040 00:55:51,931 --> 00:55:54,351 So I didn't. 1041 00:55:54,434 --> 00:55:58,271 Instead, I just shaved all mine off because I thought, "Be the change." 1042 00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:01,775 But here's the problem, Dakota. 1043 00:56:01,858 --> 00:56:04,736 I don't know if you came across the same problem, but I got hairy legs. 1044 00:56:04,819 --> 00:56:08,615 I didn't know how to fade out. 1045 00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:10,950 Do you know what I mean? I didn't know how to blend. 1046 00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:14,120 I… I created this crop circle. I couldn't escape. 1047 00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:18,541 So I just kept pushing the farm further down 1048 00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:22,921 until I got to my knees, and I was like, "You fucked up, dude." 1049 00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:24,714 It looked ridiculous. 1050 00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:27,967 I didn't even do the back, so I had, like, a seam line up the side. 1051 00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,638 It was nasty, dude. But I don't wanna talk about that. 1052 00:56:31,721 --> 00:56:33,848 I don't know why he brought it up. Please be quiet. 1053 00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:38,686 Dude, she sent me these clips, 1054 00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:41,082 and then she goes, "Oh, by the way," sends me another clip, 1055 00:56:41,106 --> 00:56:44,609 and goes, "By the way, volume up." And I said, "Never." 1056 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:48,113 I do not want to hear what I say during sex, dude. 1057 00:56:48,196 --> 00:56:50,323 I'm aware of it now because of this video. 1058 00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:53,952 I hate it so much. I think it's gross when you have sex, 1059 00:56:54,035 --> 00:56:56,287 you all got to have a different voice. You notice that? 1060 00:56:56,371 --> 00:57:00,166 Every one of you, when you get intimate, a little goblin comes out. 1061 00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:08,591 It's so gross. And if you disagree, you're the psychopath. 1062 00:57:08,675 --> 00:57:11,010 If you're having sex in your Trader Joe's voice, 1063 00:57:11,094 --> 00:57:13,304 just like, "How you doing?" Like, no. 1064 00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:18,476 But she sent me this clip. It's her on top, killing it, okay? 1065 00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:21,855 This is 100% true. We're gonna show you the video after. I'll have I drop down. 1066 00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:25,859 It's her on top, killing it. It's me underneath, okay? 1067 00:57:25,942 --> 00:57:27,527 And then she says something sexy. 1068 00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,946 She goes, "Give it to me," all sexy-like. 1069 00:57:30,029 --> 00:57:33,908 And I reply with, "Well, here it is." 1070 00:57:36,703 --> 00:57:40,540 Almost every night, I think about it. Dude, my hand's curled into my chest. 1071 00:57:41,040 --> 00:57:44,210 "If you want it, you got to come get it." 1072 00:57:44,294 --> 00:57:46,754 Mm-mm-mm. 1073 00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:48,548 Dude… 1074 00:57:48,631 --> 00:57:50,842 That's why I don't talk during sex, is that one moment. 1075 00:57:50,925 --> 00:57:53,720 Now when she talks during sex, I just reply and end it. 1076 00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:56,306 She'll be like, "Do you like that?" And I go, "Yes, thank you." 1077 00:57:57,765 --> 00:57:59,350 But I… Dude, I love her so much. 1078 00:57:59,434 --> 00:58:03,855 She's made me such a better person. I cannot even tell you guys. 1079 00:58:06,107 --> 00:58:07,442 I swear to God. 1080 00:58:08,401 --> 00:58:11,005 I don't know where I'd be without her. To be honest with you, I've… 1081 00:58:11,029 --> 00:58:12,906 I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. 1082 00:58:12,989 --> 00:58:15,241 I'm gonna tell you guys this story, uh, 1083 00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:17,744 because it's a true story, it's a fun story, 1084 00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:20,747 um, just to show you how stupid I used to be without my wife. 1085 00:58:20,830 --> 00:58:24,709 And I told this story in a podcast, and they took it down within 24 hours. 1086 00:58:24,792 --> 00:58:26,002 What happened was illegal. 1087 00:58:26,085 --> 00:58:28,765 I talked to a lawyer and said, "I wanna go on tour with this story." 1088 00:58:28,796 --> 00:58:31,466 He said, "That's fine. Just emphasize that you're joking 1089 00:58:31,549 --> 00:58:33,259 before you start the story." 1090 00:58:34,135 --> 00:58:38,014 So this is a true story, but I'm just joking around. 1091 00:58:41,351 --> 00:58:44,103 I paid for a hand job a few years ago. 1092 00:58:45,271 --> 00:58:48,483 Here we go. 1093 00:58:52,862 --> 00:58:54,989 I was working the road about six years ago, 1094 00:58:55,073 --> 00:58:57,367 and I hurt my back on stage doing something dumb. 1095 00:58:57,450 --> 00:59:01,746 I go outside, and in the shopping plaza is a 24-hour massage parlor. 1096 00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:05,750 I'm not gonna look at him. Nobody look. 1097 00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:10,213 But I love… I just saw a guy laugh, and then realize he shouldn't know 1098 00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:12,006 why that's funny yet. 1099 00:59:12,090 --> 00:59:16,719 It was this. I saw him go, "Ha! Um…" 1100 00:59:16,803 --> 00:59:19,347 I didn't know that's what happens there at all. I was so naive. 1101 00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:21,641 I went in with my underwear on, towel wrapped around me. 1102 00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:22,844 I laid face down on the bed. 1103 00:59:22,892 --> 00:59:26,020 The lady comes in, rips the towel off, and then slaps my ass, 1104 00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:28,648 and I'm like, "That's unprofessional." 1105 00:59:29,482 --> 00:59:31,734 But not like, "And I'm out of here," you know? 1106 00:59:31,818 --> 00:59:34,696 As a guy, I was like, "What the heck was that?" 1107 00:59:36,114 --> 00:59:37,874 Then she slapped the elastic on my underwear, 1108 00:59:37,907 --> 00:59:40,285 and goes, "Take these off." So I did. I took the undies off. 1109 00:59:40,368 --> 00:59:44,038 It just felt more comfortable. I only regret how I did it. 1110 00:59:45,582 --> 00:59:47,917 I wish I would have gotten off the table, 1111 00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:57,135 but instead, face down like a caterpillar. 1112 00:59:58,553 --> 01:00:01,848 I apexed my ass into the air. 1113 01:00:01,931 --> 01:00:04,267 I threw my pussy to the moon. 1114 01:00:04,851 --> 01:00:08,229 And then she started laughing, which is disheartening. 1115 01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:10,874 And she goes, "Are you a little funny?" 1116 01:00:10,940 --> 01:00:12,817 I didn't know she meant… 1117 01:00:13,318 --> 01:00:15,320 She meant gay. I didn't know that. 1118 01:00:15,403 --> 01:00:18,031 I'm a comedian. I got genuinely excited. 1119 01:00:18,114 --> 01:00:21,743 Popped my face out of the hole to be like, "I'm pretty funny." 1120 01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:29,626 Then she turns me over. I'm now on my back. 1121 01:00:29,709 --> 01:00:32,503 She grabs my ding-dong, dude. She just grabs it. 1122 01:00:33,796 --> 01:00:36,758 Looks at me, looks at my wiener, then just goes, "40?" 1123 01:00:36,841 --> 01:00:37,967 With a question mark. 1124 01:00:38,051 --> 01:00:41,471 No, I don't know. You guys may know. He definitely knows. 1125 01:00:42,305 --> 01:00:44,974 What she was saying was $40, and I'll… 1126 01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:48,436 I didn't know that. I swear to God on my life. 1127 01:00:48,519 --> 01:00:50,730 The way she was bouncing it and shit, 1128 01:00:50,813 --> 01:00:53,816 I thought she was trying to, like, guess my age. 1129 01:00:55,610 --> 01:00:58,988 Like a carnival trick. Like, "What is this?" 1130 01:00:59,989 --> 01:01:02,450 That's about 40 years old, right? That's about 40. 1131 01:01:02,533 --> 01:01:04,243 Right? That's about 40 years old. 1132 01:01:04,327 --> 01:01:06,996 So I snap back and go, "32." 1133 01:01:11,042 --> 01:01:13,503 And then she goes, "All right." 1134 01:01:17,757 --> 01:01:20,343 Yeah, and then I had to give her $32. 1135 01:01:21,010 --> 01:01:24,681 I got a 20% discount on a handjob, dude. 1136 01:01:24,764 --> 01:01:25,807 I… I felt like… 1137 01:01:25,890 --> 01:01:27,975 You guys clapped. I felt like shit. 1138 01:01:28,518 --> 01:01:31,562 Not even for the handjob, just for haggling for it. 1139 01:01:32,271 --> 01:01:35,149 This poor girl in this room day in and day out, 1140 01:01:35,233 --> 01:01:37,610 probably when I left, was just like, "Well." 1141 01:01:38,569 --> 01:01:41,114 "That's how they get you, I guess. I don't know." 1142 01:01:41,197 --> 01:01:43,366 You guys have been so amazing. 1143 01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:46,035 I love you so much, Phoenix. 1144 01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:29,704 {\an8}And there's one more person that wants to say thank you, 1145 01:02:29,787 --> 01:02:32,999 {\an8}my beautiful, beautiful wife, Katie Thurston, everybody. 1146 01:02:39,714 --> 01:02:40,714 {\an8}Dude. 1147 01:02:41,215 --> 01:02:42,425 {\an8}Isn't this crazy? 1148 01:02:42,925 --> 01:02:43,925 {\an8}Yeah. 1149 01:02:47,346 --> 01:02:49,140 {\an8}Any questions for her too? 1150 01:02:49,223 --> 01:02:51,601 {\an8}Katie, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? 1151 01:02:51,684 --> 01:02:53,102 {\an8}You.