1
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:08,467
Ugh. All Janet voids are nothing,
2
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:12,595
but Neutral Janet voids are,
like, the most nothing.
3
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,389
Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.
4
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:15,890
Why not?
5
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:17,600
The system's broken. You guys proved it.
6
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:18,726
I just want to reboot the whole thing,
7
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,311
and go back to my chambers.
8
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:21,979
I am on season three of "Justified,"
9
00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:25,650
and can I just tell you, it is...
so good.
10
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:28,737
I, like,
binged all of season two in a day.
11
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:30,154
Think of all the amazing
human achievement
12
00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,531
you'd be eliminating.
13
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:33,348
The works of William Shakespeare.
14
00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,243
The Pyramids. Timothy Olyphant.
15
00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:37,495
Ooh, that one stings.
16
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,457
There's, like,
50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat.
17
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,584
I'm, like, oh!
18
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,544
Look, I'm the freaking Judge,
19
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,338
and I made a freaking ruling,
20
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,590
and it's gonna freaking happen,
21
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:51,593
soon as I find the
freaking clicker thing.
22
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,360
All right, what do I search for?
23
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:57,432
Humanity eraser button
garage door opener thingy judge.
24
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:04,230
Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?
25
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,816
These are my last words. End of words.
26
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,110
Yes. Really boring.
27
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,946
Bye!
28
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:13,281
All right, who's next?
29
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:16,409
Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.
30
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:19,371
That is so interesting
because last time I checked,
31
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:21,748
I didn't have a dad.
32
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,709
That's why I'm attracted
to all the father figures
33
00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,919
on the TV shows I watch.
34
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:29,088
Mm-kmm?
35
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,506
We can't play keep-away forever.
36
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,216
Keep trying. Get her to see the light.
37
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,134
I already showed her the light.
38
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,886
She wasn't impressed.
39
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,721
To be fair,
she was there when it was invented.
40
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,223
- Hey, bud?
- Hi.
41
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,683
I know you're trying
to think of ways to save
42
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,518
every soul who's ever lived and whatnot,
43
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:45,104
but, um, we may only
have a half hour left to exist,
44
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:49,025
so I just wanted to
check in with you vis-à-vis
45
00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,401
us.
46
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,612
Oh, okay, yeah. Cool.
47
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:53,946
I love you.
48
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:55,114
Whoa. Really?
49
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,575
Yeah.
50
00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,701
I love you. So, uh, do you love me?
51
00:01:58,785 --> 00:01:59,744
Yeah, I do.
52
00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:02,330
Well, then, cool!
53
00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:04,290
You and I are on our way to Coolsville.
54
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:08,295
You seem oddly sure,
which is unlike you, but
55
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,504
it's kind of doing it for me.
56
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:10,888
Should we get out of here?
57
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,049
No, but I like the confidence.
58
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:14,425
Well, when you have a thousand
59
00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:15,676
different versions of yourself
60
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,053
over multiple timelines
61
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,597
fused and instantly placed
62
00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:20,056
into your consciousness,
it gives you a real
63
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,016
sense of clarity.
64
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,809
You saw the time knife, huh?
65
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,353
Yep. Saw the time knife.
66
00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:27,022
It was neat.
67
00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:30,525
Okay, let's save humanity, shall we?
68
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,153
Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard
69
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,947
and a copy of Judith
Shklar's "Ordinary Vices?"
70
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,031
Oh, and maybe some warm pretzels.
71
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,575
If we going out,
72
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,910
I'm going out with a
belly full of warm pretzels.
73
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,454
Yummy, yum, yum.
74
00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:43,747
Yummy!
75
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,171
Okay, before we try to completely
76
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,131
redesign the entire afterlife,
77
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,008
has anyone just thought of a good reason
78
00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:58,053
the Judge shouldn't cancel Earth?
79
00:02:58,219 --> 00:02:59,769
Because it would be a bummer.
80
00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:01,389
Yeah, we might need more than that.
81
00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:03,933
Are you at least gonna write it down?
82
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:07,853
Did you actually write it down,
83
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:09,689
or did you just do a scribble-scrabble?
84
00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:11,649
Okay, we need to think bigger.
85
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,193
We need to come up with
an entirely new afterlife system
86
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,404
that both the Good and
Bad Places agree on,
87
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,739
which seems impossible.
88
00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,366
Nonsense.
89
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,950
Compromise is always possible.
90
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,203
I was once in Portofino with Bruno Mars,
91
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,955
LeBron James, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer...
92
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,331
We don't have time for this right now,
babe.
93
00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:28,708
Fine. Long story short,
94
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,668
LeBron performed a
successful tracheotomy,
95
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,461
the song won multiple Grammys,
96
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,005
and everyone was really happy.
97
00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:35,423
Well, now I want to hear the story.
98
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,383
No, you're right. Let's focus.
99
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,637
So, in this essay,
"Putting Cruelty First,"
100
00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:43,431
Judith Shklar contends
that we should consider
101
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,309
cruelty as society's primary flaw.
102
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,853
I'm sorry, are you wearing roller skates?
103
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,939
Yeah. I got them from Disco Janet.
104
00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:52,106
Thanks, Disco Janet.
105
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,233
Solid.
106
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,442
Anyway, here's her point.
107
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:56,485
Imagine someone sells a joint
108
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,488
and then gets locked away in
a dangerous prison for years.
109
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:02,241
The crime isn't cruel,
but the punishment is.
110
00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,201
That's a problem.
111
00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:04,318
Tell me about it.
112
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:05,786
I once went to jail for a week
113
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,872
just because I stole a hot dog.
114
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,457
Well, a hot-dog-shaped car.
115
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,208
I stole the Wienermobile.
116
00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:13,252
This is the problem
with the current system.
117
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:15,087
Live anything less than
the most exemplary life,
118
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,423
and you are brutally tortured
forever with no recourse.
119
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,467
The cruelty of the punishment
120
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:22,386
does not match the cruelty
of the life that one has lived.
121
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:25,931
Now, watch this spin.
122
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:28,059
So we need to come up with a system
123
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,977
that will result in the least amount
124
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:31,937
of cruelty and suffering to
those who don't deserve it.
125
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:34,566
This is a problem of justice.
126
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,614
Hearing you talk about
philosophical concepts
127
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,324
of justice is sexy.
128
00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:44,659
- You want to get out of here?
- Yes.
129
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,911
No. Keep going.
130
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:50,081
Ugh. Bad Janet voids are the worst.
131
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,500
Music off!
132
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,835
Oh, right, I forgot.
133
00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,003
Make it louder!
134
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,297
What if you start
humanity over from scratch,
135
00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:00,216
and humans evolve over millions of years
136
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,634
and they end up worse?
137
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,803
What if they invent rap-rock sooner,
138
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,513
and it becomes the only kind of music?
139
00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,390
Do you really want to
oversee an entire world
140
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,976
of Limp Bizkits run by Emperor Kid Rock?
141
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,603
Not my problem.
142
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:14,564
All right, here we go. Software update?
143
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,316
No, cancel.
144
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,942
Why is it doing it now?
145
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,945
This computer sucks.
146
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,576
Okay, mama. See you in the next life.
147
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,120
Before you marbleize me,
148
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,621
can I just make one final statement
149
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,255
to summarize how I really feel?
150
00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:34,173
I think I know where this is going.
151
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,887
Okay, Disco Janet, you're up.
152
00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:48,306
Out of sight.
153
00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:50,057
What are you guys still doing here?
154
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:52,435
Just go back to Mindy's
and have a lukewarm beer,
155
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:53,686
and wait for me to end you there.
156
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,170
Except for you, cookie-puss.
157
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,607
I'll always make room for you.
158
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:00,943
Wait a second. That's it.
159
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,445
I agree.
160
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,279
Chidi should hook up with the Judge
161
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:04,613
to get us out of trouble.
162
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,157
I've done that a bunch of times.
163
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:07,324
It's called a Jacksonville plea bargain.
164
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,577
No, Mindy's house.
165
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,413
Eleanor always thought there
should be a Medium Place
166
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:13,789
for people who led medium lives.
167
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,458
That's the answer.
168
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,001
We make the Medium Place a third option.
169
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,711
Of course.
170
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:21,464
Maybe if you score
negative points on Earth...
171
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,007
Sorry, you blew it.
172
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:24,717
Enjoy having your penis flattened.
173
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:27,678
Over a million or whatever, party time.
174
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,096
And everyone else in between
175
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,808
gets their own personal Cincinnati.
176
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,184
It's definitely less cruel
than the current system,
177
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,270
but it's not great.
178
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:38,147
Well, it might be the best we
can do given the circumstances.
179
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,931
Let's try to sell it to the brass.
180
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:42,526
Hello, all.
181
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:43,736
Thought as the universe is ending,
182
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,572
you'd be less cheery.
183
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,364
Hard not to be cheery when you're eating
184
00:06:47,448 --> 00:06:49,408
this delicious frozen yogurt.
185
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,368
I got a small amount of each flavor.
186
00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:53,287
It's the only way to ensure
a mouthful of compromise.
187
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,914
- You are so right.
- Well said.
188
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,999
Shut up! Shut up.
189
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,001
Hi. Shut up.
190
00:06:59,085 --> 00:06:59,985
I'm confident now.
191
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,045
Oh, sorry.
192
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,296
We're just short on time.
193
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:04,632
Look, we have a new idea
194
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,134
about how humans could
be placed in the afterlife...
195
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,969
We love it. We're in.
196
00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,346
You don't even want to hear it?
197
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,139
Nope. If you guys came up with it,
198
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,264
it must be good.
199
00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:13,308
What if it's bad?
200
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:14,893
Even bad stuff is good.
201
00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:16,644
People probably worked hard on it.
202
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,229
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
203
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,272
Guys, they said yes.
Let's take the win.
204
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:21,357
Now all we have to do is convince Shawn.
205
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,150
I'll take the lead.
206
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:24,860
If I can convince Dr. Ruth
not to sue Bruno Mars
207
00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,362
over songwriting credit on "Uptown Funk,"
208
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,114
I can handle this.
209
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,673
Okay,
you gotta tell me that story on the way.
210
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:34,662
So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold
211
00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:35,996
for the new Medium Place neighborhood
212
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,498
is yours for the taking.
213
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:38,999
The Bad Place still has
plenty of people to torture.
214
00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:42,128
I have to admit this does make sense.
215
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,505
And I like that your side
is settling for a crappy deal
216
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,592
while my side stays mostly the same.
217
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,093
What the hell.
218
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,719
I'm in.
219
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,388
- Really?
- No.
220
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,849
You actually believed me?
221
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,143
Dude, in 20 minutes, all of humanity
222
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,519
is going to be erased forever.
223
00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,188
And?
224
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,649
The Bad Place will get emptied out, too.
225
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:04,859
You will have no one to
torture for billions of years.
226
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,277
Everyone loses.
227
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,071
Oh, I know.
228
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:10,072
But here's the thing.
229
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:14,827
I don't care if everyone
loses as long as you lose.
230
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:17,830
- Shawn, listen to reason.
- Why should I?
231
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,206
None of this would've
happened if you hadn't
232
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,666
mucked around with your neighborhood
233
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:23,127
and your new ideas.
234
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,672
New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
235
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:30,218
Shawn, you used to be cool,
but you've changed, man.
236
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,594
I'm gonna go write an evil speech
237
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:32,887
for when this is all over.
238
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:36,140
It is gonna be so long.
239
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:42,646
♪ You can ring my bell ♪
240
00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:43,898
♪ Ring my bell ♪
241
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,150
Whoa!
242
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:50,154
♪ You can ring my bell ♪
243
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:51,364
Wait a second.
244
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,907
What was I doing?
245
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,241
I'll tell you what you were doing.
246
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,076
You were tearing up the dance floor.
247
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,610
No, I was looking for
the stupid clicker thingy.
248
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:01,332
God, those infectious disco grooves.
249
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,500
So wait, wait, wait, wait.
250
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:05,294
We have this amazing new idea,
and Shawn is almost on board.
251
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,879
Maybe if you talk to him,
252
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,213
you could nudge him towards an agreement.
253
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:10,800
I don't take sides. I am the Judge.
254
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:14,511
My only concerns are
fairness and impartiality.
255
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:18,725
♪ Gonna erase the Earth ♪
256
00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:20,518
♪ Erase the Earth ♪
257
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,854
That song is really my yam.
258
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,649
Humanity eraser thingy.
259
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:31,863
Welp. Later, skater.
260
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,322
Keep on truckin'.
261
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:35,532
Next!
262
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:36,951
Even for a demon,
263
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,078
Shawn is being a real knob.
264
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,955
Guys, I know what we have to offer him
265
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,539
to get him to change his mind.
266
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:45,418
- What?
- Something he wants.
267
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,837
Once we figure that out, we're golden.
268
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,129
It's pointless.
269
00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:50,547
He's so focused on beating us
270
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:52,841
that he's willing to
burn everything down.
271
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,635
There's nothing we can offer him.
272
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,513
Actually, there is something he wants.
273
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,807
Cruelty.
274
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,809
So let's give it to him.
275
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:12,070
Oh, hey, guys.
Just smashing some stuff.
276
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:13,529
- What's up?
- Listen, demon,
277
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,072
we know how much you want us to lose,
278
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:17,158
so we volunteer to lose permanently
279
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,659
if you agree to let the Judge
280
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,621
establish a real Medium Place.
281
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,747
You can torture the four of us
282
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:24,916
forever.
283
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,417
- Really?
- Yeah.
284
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,795
This is a classic trolley problem.
285
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,005
One of your boys sets off
a stink bomb on the trolley,
286
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,923
causing a commotion
so the rest of the group
287
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,092
can pickpocket people
as they run off the train.
288
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:38,137
That's very wrong,
but in a roundabout way,
289
00:10:38,221 --> 00:10:39,972
you kind of got where you needed to be.
290
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:42,057
I'll even give you a
head start on my torture.
291
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:43,851
I cannot pull off the "mod" look.
292
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:45,269
You can take me, too.
293
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,854
I couldn't live with myself
294
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:50,274
knowing you four were
down there without me.
295
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:53,110
Wow. This is a toughy.
296
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,653
On one hand, I would love to get
297
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,280
some spiders in those buttholes.
298
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,823
On the other hand,
there would be billions
299
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,534
of buttholes going
completely un-spidered.
300
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,120
How about this?
301
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:04,455
Everyone who dies go to the Bad Place,
302
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:06,332
and I get to torture all of you.
303
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,666
Sounds good to us.
304
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,377
No, dummies.
305
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:12,630
That's already how it works,
except we're also tortured.
306
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:16,425
Okay, maybe I torture all
the people in the Bad Place,
307
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,843
plus all the people in the Good Place
308
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,136
plus everyone else and also you.
309
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,346
- We're not saying no.
- Yes, we are.
310
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,015
Look, I put forward a proposal.
311
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,683
Are you not even going to negotiate?
312
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:27,061
He's got a point.
The fair thing for us to do is
313
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,104
just keep on giving up
more and more stuff we want
314
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,398
unilaterally until this
demon's finally happy.
315
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:32,859
Fork this.
316
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,486
If we're gonna lose,
let's lose on our own terms.
317
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,988
Let's come up with a completely new idea
318
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,366
that actually makes the universe better.
319
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,077
Amen.
At least then, we can hold our heads high.
320
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,829
Okay,
we need to come up with our ideal plan
321
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,665
in about 10 minutes.
322
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:51,085
Guys, it's all come to this.
323
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,796
Everything we've been through
324
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,673
multiple lives you led on Earth,
325
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,966
all the lives you led here,
326
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,678
all the ethics training
and lessons and journeys
327
00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:04,515
to the farthest corners of the afterlife
328
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:08,436
all happened so that
we could be here together
329
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,647
as the very best versions of ourselves,
330
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,692
to solve the ultimate problem
331
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,360
in the nick of time.
332
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,294
Cool speech. Now it's nine minutes.
333
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,116
Chidi, can you do this?
334
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:23,534
Actually, what you just said,
335
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,160
the very best versions of ourselves,
336
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:26,787
gave me an idea.
337
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:28,721
Huh. Turns out it was a cool speech.
338
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,586
Not in you, either.
339
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,088
Welp, I was a true piece of crap,
340
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:38,298
and no one can ever
take that away from me.
341
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:39,508
I just have one thing left to say...
342
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,385
No.
343
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,919
Not falling for that again.
344
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,641
Man, she is committed.
345
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,267
That just leaves you.
346
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:50,519
Your honor,
we have an idea we'd like to present...
347
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,063
Not interested, stretch.
348
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,148
How can we convince her of our plan
349
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,691
if she won't even listen?
350
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,151
Well, if she's not gonna stay out here,
351
00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,778
you gotta go in there.
352
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,447
But that didn't really
work great last time.
353
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,532
Yeah, it wasn't an amazing,
but she's gonna marbleize me
354
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,492
in, like, two minutes,
so we might as well try.
355
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,036
Are we all gonna be
356
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,788
- you again?
- I don't think so.
357
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,165
Going through that once
changed me and all of you.
358
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:13,375
But if the Judge wasn't
gonna listen to us out here,
359
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,878
what makes you think
she'll listen to us in there?
360
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,756
I know one thing that
might keep her attention.
361
00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:25,388
Idiots.
362
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,394
Aw, nuts!
363
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,312
How did I fall for that?
364
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:34,813
Please, have a seat, Your Honor.
365
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,942
I already told you. I'm not interested.
366
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:40,068
Give me one reason
why I should hear you out.
367
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,488
Okay. Here he is.
368
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:47,201
Ma'am.
369
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,164
You made me an Olyphant?
370
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,665
I think you should hear them out, Judge.
371
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:55,251
Only seems fair.
372
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:56,918
Yeah, you're probably right.
373
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,546
Well played, Janet.
374
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,255
I don't mind taking in the view
375
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,049
when the scenery is so pretty.
376
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,426
Aww.
377
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:06,387
Oh, I should call Shawn for this.
378
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,096
Aw, man.
379
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,139
I had just gotten all the puppies
380
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:10,390
to climb into the cannon.
381
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:11,809
All right.
382
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,519
Floor is yours.
383
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,521
So the problem with the afterlife
384
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,983
is not only that it's cruel,
but that it's final.
385
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,735
You get one shot on Earth,
386
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:22,694
and regardless of
the context of your life,
387
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:25,197
you're placed somewhere...
Usually the Bad Place...
388
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,950
Forever with no chance for redemption.
389
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,453
My neighborhood was
built to torture humans,
390
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:31,620
but it made them better.
391
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,497
We want to create a system
392
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,583
that works that way intentionally,
393
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,878
a system designed to give
people a fighting chance.
394
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,755
- Your ti...
- Huh.
395
00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:42,798
- Interesting.
- Oh.
396
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,883
Why don't you walk us through it?
397
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,468
Yeah, we're gonna, man. Just chill.
398
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:50,014
Your time on Earth won't be a test
399
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:53,392
that you either pass or fail,
but instead a class you take,
400
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,811
and the test will come in the afterlife.
401
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:57,646
The first part stays the same.
402
00:14:57,813 --> 00:14:59,648
You live your life,
screw up a bunch of stuff.
403
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,275
Like, a lot of stuff.
404
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,611
Like, to the point where people are, like
405
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,405
this is messed up, even for Florida.
406
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,199
But you can't hear them
because you fell into the swamp
407
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:12,953
trying to spray paint a Taco
Bell logo on a snapping turtle.
408
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,246
We rest our case, Your Honor.
409
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,789
- No, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, we don't.
410
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,124
We barely started.
411
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,961
So when you die,
you still have a points total,
412
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,130
but in the new system,
that number will serve
413
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,840
as a sort of baseline
414
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:29,428
to determine how hard
or how easy your test is.
415
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:32,348
Sorry.
I'm just trying to play catch-up here.
416
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,058
Who's designing these tests, exactly?
417
00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:39,021
A Good Place architect
and a Bad Place architect
418
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,138
will work together to design a scenario
419
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,484
to make you confront
your moral shortcomings,
420
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,945
like Eleanor's selfishness,
421
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:48,739
Jason's impulsivity,
Chidi's indecisiveness,
422
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,907
and my complete inability
to carry off a mod look.
423
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:52,076
That's not...
424
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:53,744
I know I have other faults,
425
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,538
but that is a big one.
426
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:57,122
The test could be anything.
427
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,498
Maybe you show up and you're told
428
00:15:58,582 --> 00:16:00,000
you're in the Good Place,
429
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,960
but you know that it's a mistake.
430
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,838
Maybe the test looks
just like your regular life,
431
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,133
or a twisted version of your life.
432
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,968
You're presented with these challenges.
433
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:13,430
You do well or badly, at the end,
434
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,766
you're given a sort of evaluation.
435
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,976
Yeah, and the architects
explain what you did badly,
436
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,396
what you did well,
and then you get rebooted
437
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:21,897
and do it again,
438
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,400
and again and again until you ace it.
439
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,443
- In the new...
- Oh, hang on.
440
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,447
It seems to me if y'all get rebooted,
441
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,198
your memories will be wiped out.
442
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:32,824
How you ever gonna learn anything
443
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,659
if you're always having
to start from scratch?
444
00:16:34,743 --> 00:16:36,871
- Mm-hmm.
- Good point, Timothy Olyphant.
445
00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:38,705
- Tim's fine.
- Okay, great.
446
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,875
In the new system,
you will retain a vague memory
447
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,169
of what you learned in
the evaluation sessions.
448
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:47,339
That information,
what you did well or badly,
449
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:50,384
stays with you like
450
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,803
like a little voice in your head,
451
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,846
helping you become a
better version of yourself.
452
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,973
Okay, that helps. Thank you.
453
00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,935
So our guess is that with enough chances,
454
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,062
people will eventually
make enough good choices
455
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,440
to qualify for the Good Place,
and maybe some never will,
456
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:07,025
but that's okay because
everyone gets a fair shot.
457
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,610
Hold the phone.
458
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,654
What are my demons doing this whole time?
459
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,322
I have millions of lava
monsters down there
460
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:13,741
who will be out of a job.
461
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,534
I ask you, into whose throats
462
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,411
are they supposed to pour lava?
463
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:19,413
Well, bad news is, no more throat lava
464
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:20,831
or penis flattenings.
465
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,500
Then what are we doing to their penises?
466
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,920
Well, largely, ignoring them.
467
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,547
You guys are hearing this.
I'm not crazy, right?
468
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:29,798
No, I mean, it's a fair question.
469
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,758
Whose side are you on, man?
470
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,136
I don't have a dog in this fight,
little lady.
471
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,670
I'm just looking for clarity.
472
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,264
Shawn, you'll all still have jobs.
473
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:40,601
Bad place architects
help design the test.
474
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:43,311
Rank and file demons, they'll play-role
475
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:45,689
just like they did in my
original neighborhood.
476
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:48,567
And remember how much
fun you had playing the Judge?
477
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:50,277
I don't know, guys.
You think this will work?
478
00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:52,195
It sort of already has.
479
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,490
Chidi just had 800 versions of himself
480
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:57,117
stuffed into his soul at the same time.
481
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,370
I mean, he's a new man.
He's way cooler now.
482
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,707
I like the old version,
too, but not as much.
483
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,333
It's not just Chidi, Your Honor.
484
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,127
When I started in
Michael's first neighborhood,
485
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:10,089
I was nothing more than
a PalmPilot in a cool vest.
486
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,715
But look at me now.
487
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,343
I can hold four humans in my void,
488
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,137
and conjure Timothy
Olyphant in the blink of an eye.
489
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:18,972
Getting rebooted over and over made me
490
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,558
a better not-a-person
than I've ever been.
491
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,592
Humans should get the same opportunity.
492
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,690
Well?
493
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,321
Mm
494
00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:35,406
Pass.
495
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:39,041
Well, guys, I really thought you had it.
496
00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:42,829
It has been a genuine pleasure, sweetie.
497
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,123
Oh.
498
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:51,672
♪ Gonna erase the Earth ♪
499
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,841
♪ Erase the Earth ♪
500
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,719
I hid the clicker as
far away as possible,
501
00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,003
but we are seconds away.
502
00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:00,388
I'm so sorry, guys.
503
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:01,640
- Where did Shawn go?
- Oh, don't bother.
504
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,266
He's just toying with us.
505
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,604
I know. That's what gives me hope.
506
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,356
Had to do it one last time
507
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,774
before all this goes away for good.
508
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,026
So what are you offering me now?
509
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,278
Nothing. It's over.
510
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,488
That was our last idea.
511
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:17,906
Good.
512
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:20,659
Soon,
all your precious humans will be gone.
513
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,787
Yeah. It's too bad.
514
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,706
Well, congrats, bud. You won.
515
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,583
See you in a billion years.
516
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,292
When the humans evolve again,
517
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,044
I'll be right back at your throat,
you traitor.
518
00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:33,588
I mean, yeah, I know.
519
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:36,174
That's why I said,
"See you in a billion years."
520
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,176
Wait.
521
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,511
I'm gonna do the evil speech now.
522
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,512
If you want.
523
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,476
Well, well, well,
524
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,436
victory is mine at... sorry.
525
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,187
You've gotta be more
mad or this isn't gonna work.
526
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,648
Like, "Grr.
527
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,109
Shawn stinks." Like that?
528
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,736
I mean, ish?
529
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:58,238
Maybe... maybe more energy?
530
00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,657
Since the dawn of time,
531
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:01,908
good and evil have
waged a furious battle,
532
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:03,034
stemming from... this feels stupid
533
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,494
if you're not gonna fight back.
534
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,079
How do you not have another plan?
535
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,539
You've always had another plan.
536
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:08,916
What's wrong, Shawn?
537
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,671
Okay, fine.
538
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,547
Gonna make me admit it.
539
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,591
Fighting you is the
most fun I've ever had.
540
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,967
I mean, you know.
541
00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:20,510
You corkscrew your first eyeball,
542
00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:21,803
and you're like, man, I can't believe
543
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:22,929
they're paying me to do this.
544
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:24,014
Mm.
545
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:26,808
By the trillionth, it's like...
546
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,435
I should've just been a teacher.
547
00:20:28,519 --> 00:20:30,437
And then you go and get the warm fuzzies
548
00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,571
about your little humans, and something
549
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,400
something changed.
550
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:37,945
I was having fun again.
551
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:40,614
I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.
552
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:43,867
I know, buddy.
It's hard when things end.
553
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,828
But one way or the other, this is over.
554
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,330
The only question is
555
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,457
what's next?
556
00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:53,460
I heard your speech at Demon-Con.
557
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,796
You know this system stinks.
558
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:58,089
You wouldn't have let me
try the original experiment
559
00:20:58,173 --> 00:21:00,133
if things were working.
560
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,635
Let's try a new way
561
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,721
together.
562
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,601
Okay, finally.
563
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:13,147
For the last time, I,
the Judge of the afterlife...
564
00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:14,939
Hang on, Your Honor.
565
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:16,567
Are you kidding me?
566
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,653
Can't a gal just end
all of humanity one time
567
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,696
without everyone
getting all up on her junk?
568
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:23,115
What is it, man?
569
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,242
Shawn has agreed to our proposal.
570
00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:26,534
Wait, seriously?
571
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:27,828
In principle, yes.
572
00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:29,495
Still some kinks to work in...
573
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:30,539
- Out.
- Out.
574
00:21:30,706 --> 00:21:32,290
Sorry. Old habits.
575
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:34,042
But I think we can find
a way to make it work.
576
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,335
Guys, watch this.
577
00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:38,129
Jason!
578
00:21:38,213 --> 00:21:39,631
Sorry.
579
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:41,174
Jeez.
580
00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:42,760
Okay, well,
581
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:45,721
assuming we are
redesigning the entire afterlife
582
00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:49,099
according to this plan
583
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:50,392
what do we do first?
584
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,355
Oh, don't look at me. I'm...
585
00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:57,608
I'm just the idea guy.