1 00:00:05,867 --> 00:00:08,433 FRANK (VOICEOVER): Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is 2 00:00:08,533 --> 00:00:12,400 the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me, 3 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,800 Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of. 4 00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:20,100 'Cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me. 5 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,300 They can all think for themselves, which 6 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,100 they've got me to thank for. 7 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,167 Quick, leg it! 8 00:00:25,267 --> 00:00:26,633 FRANK (VOICEOVER): Lip, who's a bit 9 00:00:26,733 --> 00:00:28,767 of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him "Philip" 10 00:00:28,867 --> 00:00:30,900 anymore. 11 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,333 Ian, a lot like his mum, which is handy for us, 12 00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:36,333 'cause she's disappeared into thin air. 13 00:00:36,433 --> 00:00:39,300 And Carl, we don't let him grow his hair for two reasons. 14 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,500 One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah. 15 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,700 Two, nits love him. 16 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,667 Debbie, sent by God, total angel. 17 00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:49,733 You have to check your change, but she'll go miles out 18 00:00:49,833 --> 00:00:53,633 of her way to do you a favor. 19 00:00:53,733 --> 00:00:55,033 Plus little Liam. 20 00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:56,667 He's gonna be a star someday. 21 00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,067 Wicked! 22 00:00:58,167 --> 00:00:59,200 FRANK (VOICEOVER): Sheila, me bird. 23 00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:00,567 Couldn't be happier. 24 00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:03,033 One plate short of a full set, like. 25 00:01:03,133 --> 00:01:05,767 Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell. 26 00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:08,733 Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream. 27 00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:10,767 Still, nobody's perfect. 28 00:01:10,867 --> 00:01:14,367 But all of them to a man know first and foremost one 29 00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:16,633 of the most vital necessities in life 30 00:01:16,733 --> 00:01:20,467 is, they know how throw a party. 31 00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:23,233 Scatter! 32 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,167 Some days, you know you're on to a loser 33 00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:27,433 before we've even had your first fart. 34 00:01:27,533 --> 00:01:29,833 Others, the gods are smiling and there's 35 00:01:29,933 --> 00:01:31,333 nothing you can't sort out. 36 00:01:31,433 --> 00:01:34,167 I mean, yeah, you know, there's E's in the cornflakes that 37 00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:36,033 might help a bit, but why shouldn't 38 00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:37,133 people rub along together. 39 00:01:37,233 --> 00:01:38,233 You know what I mean? 40 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:40,900 Doesn't have to be a jam, does it? 41 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,467 Oh, sorry, just finishing off. 42 00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:45,133 FRANK (VOICEOVER): I mean, look at Diana, Charles, and Camilla. 43 00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:47,567 It worked out OK for them, didn't it? 44 00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:53,433 Come here, you. 45 00:01:53,533 --> 00:01:54,667 Come here. 46 00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:55,600 Give us a kiss. 47 00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:08,000 Oh, all right, Frank. 48 00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:09,433 You miss me? 49 00:02:09,533 --> 00:02:11,433 Couldn't find the child benefit book. 50 00:02:11,533 --> 00:02:13,133 All right, shall we-- shall we go to the pub? 51 00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:14,300 Yeah? - All right. 52 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:15,200 All right. 53 00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,833 They're all so grown up now. 54 00:02:43,933 --> 00:02:46,500 Hardly recognized 'em. 55 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,600 Yeah, well, it's been hard for me. 56 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:53,300 Responsibility for all of 'em on me own. 57 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,700 It's kind of weighed heavily. 58 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,100 Yeah, but I'm back now, Frank, to lighten your load. 59 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,567 Monica. 60 00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:06,500 Sheila. 61 00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:33,767 [screaming] 62 00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:38,000 You all right, right, You remember Monica, don't you? 63 00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:39,367 She's-- she's come. 64 00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:41,767 You know, she's come to see the kids. 65 00:03:41,867 --> 00:03:45,667 Yes, you told me, Frank. 66 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,100 I brought your cigarettes. 67 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,467 Would you like a drink, Monica? 68 00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:51,767 Yeah, another vodka tonic, thanks. 69 00:03:51,867 --> 00:03:52,700 Oh yeah, right. 70 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,367 Yeah, of course I did it. 71 00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:56,733 Because you asked me that about the-- when 72 00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:57,900 she-- yeah, and I said. Yeah, yeah. 73 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,267 Of course, yeah. 74 00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:02,900 Right, that'll be two vodka tonics, please, Jez. 75 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,967 Fancy that. Same poison. 76 00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:09,067 And I-- I'll just have a couple of these, Jez. 77 00:04:13,633 --> 00:04:16,467 Do any of youse lot know how this works? 78 00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:18,000 That's disgusting. 79 00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:18,967 What is it? 80 00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:21,833 It's a balloon pump! 81 00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:22,733 Sorry. 82 00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:23,667 Have we not met? 83 00:04:23,767 --> 00:04:25,133 I'm your neighbor. 84 00:04:25,233 --> 00:04:27,567 I want some help blowing these up. 85 00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,133 It isn't a fucking request. 86 00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,133 You wouldn't be our neighbor, would you? 87 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:37,167 If you hadn't stolen my daughter's house. 88 00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:39,000 Like you give a shit. 89 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,700 Nearly pulled a muscle trying to scavenge 90 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,467 her gear for your own back. 91 00:04:42,567 --> 00:04:43,667 I'm keeping it for her. 92 00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:44,633 Oh yeah? 93 00:04:44,733 --> 00:04:46,333 And I'm the Queen of Sheba. 94 00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:48,167 Hadn't you two better get a rocket up your ass? 95 00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:50,933 Gotta be there for 1:00. 96 00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:52,500 I didn't know I was coming. 97 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:53,667 Family, aren't you? 98 00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:55,700 Even if you do think you're better than us. 99 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,533 Our Jamie'll soon sort you out. 100 00:05:12,233 --> 00:05:14,733 Oi, fuck off, you little wankers! 101 00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:27,700 What are you looking at, you perv? 102 00:05:41,933 --> 00:05:42,733 Sign there, love. 103 00:05:46,733 --> 00:05:48,000 See you in a couple of days. 104 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,100 Yeah. 105 00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:57,833 But I need to go. 106 00:05:57,933 --> 00:05:59,167 It's not my problem, Norma. 107 00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:00,467 You can't do this. 108 00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:02,167 There's such a thing as human rights, you know. 109 00:06:02,267 --> 00:06:03,900 I'm entitled to a toilet. 110 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:04,800 Where's Mon? 111 00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:05,733 She'll let us. 112 00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,133 Gone out. 113 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:08,967 Which is exactly what you should be doing, Norma. 114 00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:10,533 Going home. 115 00:06:10,633 --> 00:06:12,867 Unless you want to pay us rent for sleeping in the Dormobile. 116 00:06:12,967 --> 00:06:14,100 Where's she gone? 117 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,333 She's never up before 11:00. 118 00:06:16,433 --> 00:06:19,200 Look, Debbie, I'm gonna piss meself. 119 00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:27,467 Look at you. 120 00:06:27,567 --> 00:06:28,667 Makes a mother so proud. 121 00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:33,067 You look like a stiff in a body bag. 122 00:06:33,167 --> 00:06:34,867 Straighten your face or our Jamie'll 123 00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:36,133 put you in a fucking body bag. 124 00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:38,233 Pack it in, you two. 125 00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,667 Micky, reminds me of your first communion. 126 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:43,300 Right, when he comes out, don't overcrowd him, OK? 127 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,233 What did you make us all fucking come for, then? 128 00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:48,267 Hey, watch your mouth, fucking gobshite! 129 00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,867 So he knows we appreciate him and what he's done for us. 130 00:06:51,967 --> 00:06:53,133 And how much we love him. 131 00:06:53,233 --> 00:06:54,733 Where is he, then? 132 00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:55,800 I haven't fed me snake yet. 133 00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:57,700 Jesus Christ, would you-- 134 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,267 Can't we just ask somebody? 135 00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:06,600 So you just left her, then. 136 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:09,167 Look, I won't say I was wrong to leave me kids, 137 00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:13,400 but I had my reasons. 138 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,300 But I'm back now. 139 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,933 And Norma isn't part of that. 140 00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,600 End of story. 141 00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:20,467 How's she taking it? 142 00:07:20,567 --> 00:07:23,200 You have to learn to accept change, don't you? 143 00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,000 Whenever it comes. 144 00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:26,533 Right Right. 145 00:07:26,633 --> 00:07:28,867 It's your round now, Monica, ain't it? 146 00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:30,733 What am I like? 147 00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:31,700 Same again? 148 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,367 It's bound to happen, isn't it? 149 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,767 Norma's not exactly, is she? 150 00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:59,867 Can't say I blame her. 151 00:07:59,967 --> 00:08:01,867 It's good. 152 00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:03,433 You know, for the kids, though. 153 00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:05,733 You know, they got their mother back. 154 00:08:11,233 --> 00:08:16,800 So when did I tell you? 155 00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:18,700 You tell me, Frank. 156 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,000 What? 157 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,100 You must have told me sometime, mustn't you? 158 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,933 Because why would you have not? 159 00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:24,767 Oh yeah, right. 160 00:08:24,867 --> 00:08:26,700 Well, yeah. 161 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,267 I was just saying to Frank, it'll 162 00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:31,067 be so lovely to have you back, another pair of hands around. 163 00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:32,800 Oh, that's a lovely ring, Sheila. 164 00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,100 Is it QVC? 165 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,467 Yeah, well, should probably go, Sheila. 166 00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:39,000 You know, got stuff to do-- food, shopping. 167 00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,200 No thanks, Frank. 168 00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:41,300 I'd rather stay here for another drink. 169 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,433 Wouldn't you, Monica? - Oh yes. 170 00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:43,333 I'm very happy. 171 00:08:46,033 --> 00:08:47,200 Right. 172 00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:48,733 I must say, you have cleaned up 173 00:08:48,833 --> 00:08:52,700 his act if he's willing to leave the pub before closing time. 174 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,900 Different man, aren't you, Frank? 175 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,867 Mhm. 176 00:08:57,967 --> 00:09:00,233 Hm. 177 00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:02,133 Oh, another one down. 178 00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:04,367 I do admire your restraint, Sheila. 179 00:09:07,733 --> 00:09:10,367 Right. 180 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,933 You let him out, you bastard! 181 00:09:12,033 --> 00:09:13,600 You tell him, Ma. 182 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:16,000 You let my Jamie out, or I'll have the lot of youse. 183 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:18,733 They let him out two hours ago. 184 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:19,700 Oh, for fuck's sake. 185 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,767 This is your fault, Shane. 186 00:09:21,867 --> 00:09:23,333 You fucking wanker. 187 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:42,167 All I'm saying is, a home-made mayonnaise 188 00:09:42,267 --> 00:09:46,500 could make up egg or prawn. 189 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:51,133 All it takes is eight minutes' patience. 190 00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:55,100 But no one tries anymore. 191 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,500 They just don't! 192 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,100 Mum, I thought maybe we should-- 193 00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,033 Good timing. 194 00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:00,200 Another round ready. 195 00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:05,967 4.80. 196 00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:08,133 Knocking 'em back, aren't you? 197 00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,900 Just getting to know Sheila. 198 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:11,867 Keep the change. 199 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,367 SHEILA: --Anymore except me. 200 00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:16,767 And it's wrong. 201 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:17,767 It's so wrong. 202 00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:27,733 Oh God, thank you. 203 00:10:27,833 --> 00:10:29,300 Thank you so much. 204 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,267 Right, then just slash. 205 00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:38,667 [mumbling] 206 00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:40,900 Pastries. 207 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,533 Just try getting a job, yeah. 208 00:10:43,633 --> 00:10:46,300 Oh, look who it isn't. 209 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,733 Get a good look, did you earlier? 210 00:10:48,833 --> 00:10:50,833 Pervert! 211 00:10:50,933 --> 00:10:51,900 I know who he is, Karen. 212 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:52,800 He's-- 213 00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:53,767 He's who? 214 00:10:53,867 --> 00:10:54,700 Jamie! 215 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:55,633 I told you it was him. 216 00:10:55,733 --> 00:10:56,900 We came to get you. 217 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,967 Why didn't you phone? 218 00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,533 Oh, you've come back, me angel. 219 00:11:01,633 --> 00:11:03,533 You've come back to us! 220 00:11:03,633 --> 00:11:04,933 Ah, son! 221 00:11:05,033 --> 00:11:05,933 It's Jamie Maguire. 222 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:06,867 He did 10 for murder. 223 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:07,800 So? 224 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,700 He's still a perv. 225 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:10,633 Well, he is! - Right. 226 00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:11,533 Come on, then. 227 00:11:11,633 --> 00:11:12,533 Let's get you home. 228 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:13,767 Party, party, party, huh? 229 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:17,267 You come too. 230 00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:18,200 Come on. 231 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,500 Oh. 232 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,533 I remember him. 233 00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:30,467 Monica! 234 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:31,233 Don't be daft, Frank. 235 00:11:31,333 --> 00:11:33,733 I've seen it all before. 236 00:11:33,833 --> 00:11:35,067 Yeah, but that was-- 237 00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:36,633 Come on, it's just a bit of fun. 238 00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:38,333 She's nice, your wife. 239 00:11:38,433 --> 00:11:41,467 But I bet you're not as good together as you me were, eh? 240 00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:42,400 Now, don't start. 241 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:43,233 Don't start. 242 00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:45,067 Do you still want me, Frank? 243 00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:46,333 Oh yes, you do. 244 00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:48,133 Come on, come on with Monica. 245 00:11:48,233 --> 00:11:49,400 Just for a minute. 246 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,633 Just to-- yeah, come on, you dirty bastard. 247 00:11:52,733 --> 00:11:53,967 Get in there. 248 00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,467 Fuck. 249 00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:57,533 You know you want to. 250 00:11:57,633 --> 00:11:58,733 What's the matter? 251 00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:02,533 Getting something at home that I can't give you? 252 00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:03,467 Oh. 253 00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:04,400 Oh, sorry. 254 00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:06,167 No, it's-- it's the gents's, love. 255 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:09,000 You know, that's what it says on the door. 256 00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:10,233 Yeah, you know. 257 00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:11,933 That's what the little man is all about. 258 00:12:12,033 --> 00:12:14,033 Gents pee standing up, don't they? 259 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:15,000 Oh, officer. 260 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:15,900 Fucking women, hey, Billy? 261 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,167 Can't fucking shoot them. 262 00:12:25,033 --> 00:12:26,833 Oh dear, what's happened here? 263 00:12:26,933 --> 00:12:27,867 Come on. 264 00:12:27,967 --> 00:12:28,867 Come on, Sheila. 265 00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:31,267 Let's get-- let's get you home. 266 00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:32,033 I got you. 267 00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:32,933 It's all right. 268 00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:35,733 Don't fetch up here. 269 00:12:35,833 --> 00:12:37,967 I got you. 270 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,533 Just-- yeah, see you later. 271 00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:43,867 See you later. 272 00:12:43,967 --> 00:12:46,067 Hey, what won the 3:00 at Haydock? 273 00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:47,767 You know? - Ambleton, mate. 274 00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:48,700 You've lost your money. 275 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,667 [laughter] 276 00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:53,333 PADDY: Welcome home, son. 277 00:12:53,433 --> 00:12:54,233 Cheers! 278 00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,500 It's great to have you back, huh? 279 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,933 Soon clean up around this place and show them who's boss. 280 00:13:01,033 --> 00:13:03,267 Jamie Maguire back on the manor! 281 00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:06,100 [pop] Shane, will you stop doing that, you little shite? 282 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,500 Your mother went to a lot of trouble! 283 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,033 So are you gonna tell him, then, or what? 284 00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:10,333 Tell me what? 285 00:13:10,433 --> 00:13:11,333 Ah, well, we've got you a little job, you know. 286 00:13:11,433 --> 00:13:12,733 Help you get back on your feet. 287 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:13,833 Set you up, like. 288 00:13:13,933 --> 00:13:15,033 But I'm in it as well, aren't I? 289 00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:17,033 - All right, Shane. - It's a kidnapping. 290 00:13:17,133 --> 00:13:18,300 Total no brainer. 291 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,900 Look, if it's Shane's job, let him do it. 292 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,900 I'm not interested. 293 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,133 PADDY: Now look what you've done. 294 00:13:32,933 --> 00:13:33,767 Frank? 295 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:40,033 I want to go on top. 296 00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:41,600 Aw, Monica, no. 297 00:14:07,933 --> 00:14:10,400 [alarm beeping] 298 00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:24,567 - Hello, Norma. - Oh, all right. 299 00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:25,500 Hi. 300 00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:31,867 This has got lots of vitamin C in it. 301 00:14:31,967 --> 00:14:35,467 It's very good for you. 302 00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:36,400 Bitch. 303 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,033 You don't need to do it for me. 304 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,033 Come on. Come on, be quiet. 305 00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:55,200 She might hear. 306 00:14:58,733 --> 00:14:59,567 NORMA: Cat litter! 307 00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:00,633 You what? 308 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:04,100 As in, little for cats. 309 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:08,000 Is everyone around here retarded? 310 00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:10,500 I need the fucking toilet! 311 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,033 Norma, hello. 312 00:15:13,133 --> 00:15:14,100 You could use ours. 313 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,933 Oh, thank fuck, somebody normal. 314 00:15:16,033 --> 00:15:17,967 You're gonna have to take your shoes off. 315 00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,167 Please don't touch the walls, because I've just cleaned them. 316 00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:21,467 Right, well, away then. 317 00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:22,400 Let's go. 318 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,100 Yeah, see? I didn't need you. 319 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,867 What the fuck is that? 320 00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:38,467 A royal Heffernan. 321 00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,533 9/4 favorite Saturday. 322 00:15:40,633 --> 00:15:41,767 Dead fucking cert. 323 00:15:41,867 --> 00:15:43,267 Owner's got a mint riding on it. 324 00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:46,100 They'll soon cough up ransom to get him back, though. 325 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,267 And because you didn't pitch in, now you 326 00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:49,867 don't see any of the winnings. 327 00:15:49,967 --> 00:15:51,133 Yeah, I've got me own plans. 328 00:15:51,233 --> 00:15:52,067 'Course you have. 329 00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:53,433 Chip off the old block, huh? 330 00:15:53,533 --> 00:15:55,033 Well, I'm gonna run him in some other races 331 00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:56,633 while I've got him, aren't I? 332 00:15:56,733 --> 00:15:57,867 Making even more cash. 333 00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,733 No one'll even recognize him. 334 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,200 Really? 335 00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:02,300 Yep. 336 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,433 - 337 00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:05,100 Kidnapped a jockey as well, then, have you? 338 00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:13,633 It's like she's some fucking changeling or something. 339 00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:16,133 One minute, it's all "I'll have your stir-fry on the table 340 00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:17,867 when you get back from Stuttgart." 341 00:16:17,967 --> 00:16:20,200 And the next, dust. 342 00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:23,700 She won't even talk to us, the mad bitch. 343 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,567 oh, but I love her. 344 00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:29,133 So what do you think happened, then? 345 00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:31,333 Well, it's obvious, isn't it? 346 00:16:31,433 --> 00:16:33,300 Richard and bastard Judy. 347 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,700 Told her not to watch that crap. 348 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,600 Some Christian wanker banging on about family. 349 00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:41,600 We're the victims in this, Sheila, me and her. 350 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:46,667 Fucking patriarchal hegemony pissing all over us. 351 00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:50,133 So you don't think she's really back for them, then? 352 00:16:50,233 --> 00:16:53,533 Sheila, she had some past life regression last solstice. 353 00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:55,667 Came back saying the kids weren't even hers. 354 00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:58,667 Belonged to some fucking witch in the 14th century. 355 00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:00,367 But she stood on a ley line, sent 356 00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:02,200 the kids to the wrong womb. 357 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:03,700 'Course she's not back for them. 358 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,833 But she's still a lesbian, though? 359 00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:07,233 Yeah, 'course she is, you daft bitch. 360 00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,200 [fart] 361 00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,533 I mean, yeah, we may not have had sex 362 00:17:09,633 --> 00:17:12,533 in the past eight months, like, but you don't 363 00:17:12,633 --> 00:17:13,800 go back and forth, do you? 364 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:14,700 No sex? 365 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:15,867 Hang on a minute, Sheila. 366 00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:17,067 I can't do two things at once here. 367 00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:19,300 [farting] 368 00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:23,633 Hey, Sheila, you got any more bog roll? 369 00:17:23,733 --> 00:17:24,567 Sheila? 370 00:17:24,667 --> 00:17:25,467 Sheila? 371 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,067 [screaming] 372 00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:34,500 You penis pervert! 373 00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:39,733 Who is it, then? 374 00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:41,333 Peters and Lee? 375 00:17:41,433 --> 00:17:44,200 It is Kevin and Veronica. 376 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:45,700 I were gonna say, I didn't know they 377 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,267 put Peters and Lee in prison. 378 00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:51,133 Mind you, "welcome home" weren't much of a song, was it? 379 00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:53,100 Thought "Rainy Days and Mondays" were better. 380 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,767 That weren't Peters and Lee, though. 381 00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:56,367 Do you mind? 382 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,967 My daughter has been incarcerated. 383 00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:01,700 She's not exactly Nelson fucking Mandela, Carol. 384 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:02,800 Thank you. 385 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:04,233 She tried to steal a baby. 386 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,867 She was paying for it. 387 00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:07,133 What, with the money that she stole 388 00:18:07,233 --> 00:18:08,400 from everybody around here? 389 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,500 Can't see you getting many fucking takers. 390 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,267 I'm only doing what any mother would do. 391 00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:22,600 I've got to do something, even if it's just widow's mites. 392 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:23,667 I'll have a T-shirt, Carol. 393 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:27,633 Out of me pension. 394 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,200 I just thought, now that we're friends 395 00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:36,867 we could go shopping together. 396 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:37,867 Sorry, Sheil. 397 00:18:37,967 --> 00:18:39,767 I'm too busy here. 398 00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:41,267 I could babysit the twins for you, 399 00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:42,967 though, at yours, if you like. 400 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:45,267 No, it's just I need to get some new stuff. 401 00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:49,233 And I thought, seeing as we like the same drink, 402 00:18:49,333 --> 00:18:51,667 maybe we've got the same taste in clothes. 403 00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:55,400 I mean, you could give me a second opinion. 404 00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,600 We could have a really nice girly day out. 405 00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:58,633 I can do the washing up, Mum. 406 00:19:09,933 --> 00:19:10,933 See this? 407 00:19:11,033 --> 00:19:11,833 Ned Kelly. 408 00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:14,600 Proper Irish hero. 409 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:15,333 Morning. 410 00:19:15,433 --> 00:19:16,900 Can I help youse officers? 411 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,067 We-- we were just-- 412 00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:20,000 A racehorse has been stolen. 413 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:22,000 And we wanna know if you've seen anything. 414 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:25,767 Nope, haven't seen anything. 415 00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:26,733 Jamie. 416 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,000 Have you met Jamie, my eldest? 417 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,567 Have you seen anything? 418 00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:31,633 Not so as I recall. 419 00:19:31,733 --> 00:19:33,900 Shane, have you seen a racehorse around these parts? 420 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,833 Not seen shit. 421 00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:38,533 Sorry, can't help you. 422 00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:40,000 We haven't seen anything. 423 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:42,600 If we do, we'll let you know. 424 00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:43,700 Right, obliged. 425 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,000 And very nice to meet you. 426 00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:52,900 - What are you doing? - Different horse. 427 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,000 Hasn't got white socks. 428 00:19:58,167 --> 00:20:00,533 MAN: Get yourself downtown as soon as you can. 429 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,000 [chatter] 430 00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:05,233 Yeah, see, I just need to know-- 431 00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:07,167 There is a queuing system. 432 00:20:07,267 --> 00:20:09,200 So get yourself a ticket, take a seat, yeah? 433 00:20:18,633 --> 00:20:21,567 You're Jamie Maguire, aren't you? 434 00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:22,633 Who'd you kill? 435 00:20:22,733 --> 00:20:24,433 Fuck off, will you? 436 00:20:24,533 --> 00:20:25,700 I've killed a man. 437 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:26,800 No, you haven't. 438 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:27,700 I have. 439 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:28,633 I shot him. 440 00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:31,800 And his head fell off. 441 00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:34,500 Well, good for you. 442 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,067 So you've come to have a pop at me, then, have you? 443 00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:39,867 Come to prove yourself to the hard man. 444 00:20:39,967 --> 00:20:41,167 Well, come on, then. 445 00:20:41,267 --> 00:20:43,700 If you want some. 446 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:44,633 You want some? 447 00:20:59,833 --> 00:21:00,900 All right. 448 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,633 Yes, what can I get you? 449 00:21:02,733 --> 00:21:03,733 Pint of lager. 450 00:21:03,833 --> 00:21:05,900 And any chance of a job going? 451 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:06,833 Huh? 452 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,000 A job. 453 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:08,933 Job? 454 00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:09,833 That's right. 455 00:21:09,933 --> 00:21:11,067 Here? 456 00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:12,400 Well, this is your pub, isn't it? 457 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:13,533 Right, right. 458 00:21:13,633 --> 00:21:16,600 And how much will you want paying for that? 459 00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:18,900 Whatever the going rate is. 460 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,800 I don't know. 461 00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:22,167 Well, make me an offer, then! 462 00:21:27,033 --> 00:21:28,800 What do you pay for a protection racket? 463 00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:29,800 How the fuck should I know? 464 00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:34,800 How about 80? 465 00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:37,567 A week? 466 00:21:37,667 --> 00:21:38,633 A day? 467 00:21:38,733 --> 00:21:39,933 80 a day? 468 00:21:40,033 --> 00:21:40,900 Mhm. 469 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:41,967 All right. 470 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:42,967 Is there a room with the job? 471 00:21:43,067 --> 00:21:45,333 A room? 472 00:21:45,433 --> 00:21:46,233 Yeah. 473 00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:52,667 What are you doing? 474 00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:53,867 That is my room. 475 00:21:53,967 --> 00:21:54,933 Yeah, well, you're fired. 476 00:21:55,033 --> 00:21:57,167 What? 477 00:21:57,267 --> 00:21:58,667 All right, I shagged the delivery guy. 478 00:21:58,767 --> 00:22:00,167 It's not that. It's him. 479 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:05,867 Next. 480 00:22:05,967 --> 00:22:07,400 [beeping] 481 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,600 Oh Christ. 482 00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:18,667 Right, so all I need, see, is a divorce. 483 00:22:18,767 --> 00:22:21,233 And I was hoping that you could, you know, 484 00:22:21,333 --> 00:22:23,933 tell me which way to do it, if, you know, 485 00:22:24,033 --> 00:22:26,433 you don't want her to know. 486 00:22:26,533 --> 00:22:28,267 Her being? 487 00:22:28,367 --> 00:22:29,700 The wife. 488 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:30,800 Well, the ex-wife. 489 00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:32,100 You know, soon to be. 490 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:35,033 Next. 491 00:22:35,133 --> 00:22:36,567 [beeping] 492 00:22:38,467 --> 00:22:40,833 It's difficult, isn't it, as you get older? 493 00:22:40,933 --> 00:22:42,300 I don't know what to wear. 494 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,100 I mean, you want to look sexy, but you 495 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,300 don't want to end up looking like you 496 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:47,600 charge a fiver for a handjob. 497 00:22:50,167 --> 00:22:52,467 Or is it the same for, I don't know. 498 00:22:52,567 --> 00:22:53,733 You know, lesbians? 499 00:22:53,833 --> 00:22:57,467 I mean, at what age do you stop wearing cargo pants? 500 00:22:57,567 --> 00:22:58,600 Or don't you? 501 00:22:58,700 --> 00:22:59,500 I don't know. 502 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:00,833 I never have. 503 00:23:00,933 --> 00:23:03,267 I prefer something more feminine. 504 00:23:03,367 --> 00:23:04,000 Oh. 505 00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:06,467 What, like these? 506 00:23:06,567 --> 00:23:07,700 Look. 507 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,500 I mean, you can never have enough lingerie, can you? 508 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:11,533 Is that what they say? 509 00:23:11,633 --> 00:23:13,333 You can never be too rich or too thin. 510 00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:14,500 Except for that Posh Spice. 511 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,900 She is, isn't she? 512 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,933 And she's dipped in wood stain. 513 00:23:19,033 --> 00:23:20,933 Looks lovely on you. 514 00:23:21,033 --> 00:23:22,000 Let's try some on! 515 00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:23,100 Come on. 516 00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:28,133 So, Monica, what kind of women do you like? 517 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,167 No, let's see stay out here, shall we? 518 00:23:33,267 --> 00:23:35,267 The small ones are a big claustrophobic. 519 00:23:35,367 --> 00:23:36,100 I 520 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,267 Thought you were agoraphobic. 521 00:23:38,367 --> 00:23:40,067 Agoraphobic, claustrophobic. 522 00:23:40,167 --> 00:23:41,200 Anything you like, really. 523 00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:42,567 Illness poker, me. 524 00:23:42,667 --> 00:23:44,333 Raise me one, if you like. 525 00:23:46,933 --> 00:23:47,733 Oh God. 526 00:23:51,267 --> 00:23:53,367 What are you doing, Sheila? 527 00:23:53,467 --> 00:23:54,633 Do you want me to help you, Monica. 528 00:23:54,733 --> 00:23:57,867 I know you want me to help you, don't you? 529 00:23:57,967 --> 00:23:59,433 I've got very big breasts. 530 00:23:59,533 --> 00:24:00,667 I'm all right. 531 00:24:00,767 --> 00:24:02,400 But it's every woman's fantasy, lesbianism! 532 00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:03,167 Enough. 533 00:24:03,267 --> 00:24:04,067 I know it's mine. 534 00:24:04,167 --> 00:24:05,067 Get off me! 535 00:24:05,167 --> 00:24:06,200 We're all bisexual, aren't we? 536 00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:07,900 Are you bisexual, Monica? 537 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,333 Or are you just gay? 538 00:24:09,433 --> 00:24:10,633 [screaming] 539 00:24:12,967 --> 00:24:15,800 It's not my sexuality that's in question! 540 00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:17,733 Did Frank put you up to this? 541 00:24:17,833 --> 00:24:19,267 I just want to know if you want to. 542 00:24:19,367 --> 00:24:21,800 If that's why you've come back. 543 00:24:21,900 --> 00:24:22,833 - Get off! - Monica! 544 00:24:22,933 --> 00:24:23,733 Get off! 545 00:24:29,133 --> 00:24:32,933 Good God, they're on drugs. 546 00:24:33,033 --> 00:24:33,900 Monica. 547 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,467 MONICA: Get off! 548 00:24:35,567 --> 00:24:36,433 [beeping] 549 00:24:36,533 --> 00:24:37,267 Hey, that's enough. 550 00:24:37,367 --> 00:24:38,400 MONICA: Get off, get off! 551 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,133 If you want the horse back alive, 552 00:24:47,233 --> 00:24:49,833 get 20,000 ready in used notes. 553 00:24:49,933 --> 00:24:51,333 MAN (ON PHONE): Who is this? 554 00:24:51,433 --> 00:24:53,467 Fucking knifeman, that's who! 555 00:24:53,567 --> 00:24:54,500 You hear that? 556 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:55,433 [neighing] 557 00:24:55,533 --> 00:24:56,633 MAN (ON PHONE): OK, OK, calm down. 558 00:24:56,733 --> 00:24:57,733 And if you call the pigs again, 559 00:24:57,833 --> 00:24:58,900 you'll have a head on your pillow 560 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,700 first thing' in the fucking-- 561 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,067 for fuck's sake, Jamie! 562 00:25:03,167 --> 00:25:04,267 MAN (ON PHONE): "Jamie?" Jamie, who? 563 00:25:04,367 --> 00:25:05,400 You stupid fucking prick, Shane! 564 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:07,000 What did you say his name for? 565 00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:08,867 Don't upset your brother, Shane. 566 00:25:08,967 --> 00:25:10,833 You know how he gets when he's hungry. 567 00:25:10,933 --> 00:25:12,167 Well, why don't you fucking make him do 568 00:25:12,267 --> 00:25:13,800 summat, then, instead of hanging around-- 569 00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:14,700 Don't bother. 570 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:15,767 I'm moving out. 571 00:25:19,733 --> 00:25:22,633 So that's what you were after all along, was it? 572 00:25:22,733 --> 00:25:24,700 When you asked me out. 573 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,500 Make a pass at me. 574 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,733 I just-- 575 00:25:28,833 --> 00:25:32,833 I just wanted to know if you were still a lesbian. 576 00:25:32,933 --> 00:25:34,367 I'm sorry. 577 00:25:34,467 --> 00:25:38,567 It's just, I know what a hold you used to have over Frank. 578 00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:40,800 I got scared. 579 00:25:40,900 --> 00:25:44,633 I can see why he's with you. 580 00:25:44,733 --> 00:25:48,767 Lovely figure, good cook. 581 00:25:48,867 --> 00:25:51,767 City and Guilds, grade 1. 582 00:25:51,867 --> 00:25:54,867 Don't think I'd even know how to be with a man anymore. 583 00:25:54,967 --> 00:25:57,400 Wouldn't know what to do. 584 00:25:57,500 --> 00:25:59,633 Well, it's like riding a bike. 585 00:25:59,733 --> 00:26:01,133 You never forget. 586 00:26:01,233 --> 00:26:03,800 I don't think I was ever very good in the first place. 587 00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:05,567 Frank and me, well. 588 00:26:05,667 --> 00:26:06,367 Oh, it's easy. 589 00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:07,367 You just give him a blowjob. 590 00:26:07,467 --> 00:26:09,400 He'd do anything for one of us. 591 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:11,467 Really? 592 00:26:11,567 --> 00:26:13,267 The trick is to hum while you're doing it. 593 00:26:13,367 --> 00:26:16,867 It makes it vibrate more. 594 00:26:16,967 --> 00:26:18,100 Tell you the truth, I found that out 595 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,333 by accident when I was humming the theme 596 00:26:19,433 --> 00:26:22,033 tune to "Ready, Steady, Cook." 597 00:26:22,133 --> 00:26:25,133 Frank went off like a rocket. 598 00:26:25,233 --> 00:26:27,033 "1812 Overture" is the best, though. 599 00:26:27,133 --> 00:26:27,933 Tchaikovsky. 600 00:26:28,033 --> 00:26:30,833 It's all those cannons. 601 00:26:30,933 --> 00:26:32,233 Frank'd do anything for those cannons. 602 00:26:37,167 --> 00:26:38,033 WOMAN: Fucking hell. 603 00:26:38,133 --> 00:26:39,567 I know me rights! 604 00:26:39,667 --> 00:26:41,300 So you never said. 605 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:44,500 Are you-- are you still a lesbian, then? 606 00:26:47,867 --> 00:26:48,867 - 607 00:26:48,967 --> 00:26:52,067 I've only ever wanted one woman. 608 00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:53,133 That's Norma. 609 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,900 What's the point of you crackpot fucking 610 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,933 Mormon god-freaks, then? 611 00:27:09,033 --> 00:27:11,933 Polygamy was the one fucking good idea you had! 612 00:27:12,033 --> 00:27:13,000 Bunch of Ken dolls. 613 00:27:16,633 --> 00:27:19,467 Hey, and I'm gonna burn me Donny Osmond albums and all! 614 00:27:24,767 --> 00:27:28,467 Right, so-- huh? 615 00:27:28,567 --> 00:27:30,000 What the hell are they doing in here? 616 00:27:36,233 --> 00:27:39,133 Oh, me feet. 617 00:27:39,233 --> 00:27:42,900 I've been around the estate twice for old coppers. 618 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:43,867 And me. 619 00:27:43,967 --> 00:27:46,233 Think you've got problems. 620 00:27:46,333 --> 00:27:49,167 Oh, do us a favor, Lil, and get me a drink in. 621 00:27:49,267 --> 00:27:50,667 Oh, what's she like? 622 00:27:56,667 --> 00:27:57,400 PADDY: I don't understand. 623 00:27:57,500 --> 00:27:59,233 What the fuck's he playing at? 624 00:27:59,333 --> 00:28:00,733 He's got his reasons. 625 00:28:00,833 --> 00:28:02,300 He'll tell us when he's ready. 626 00:28:06,067 --> 00:28:07,600 All right, you lot. 627 00:28:07,700 --> 00:28:08,733 That's your time, please. 628 00:28:08,833 --> 00:28:11,933 What's going on here now? 629 00:28:12,033 --> 00:28:12,867 Where the fuck you been? 630 00:28:12,967 --> 00:28:15,367 Not till 12:00! 631 00:28:15,467 --> 00:28:16,700 I'm mean, it's just that we can open 632 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,333 later now than-- than before. 633 00:28:19,433 --> 00:28:20,567 It's all right, everybody. 634 00:28:20,667 --> 00:28:22,067 It's just a mistake. 635 00:28:22,167 --> 00:28:23,900 We're open till 12:00! 636 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,400 Oi, sit back down! 637 00:28:41,267 --> 00:28:43,033 So have you got everything you need, have you? 638 00:28:43,133 --> 00:28:45,733 Yeah, good night. 639 00:28:45,833 --> 00:28:47,267 Good night. 640 00:28:47,367 --> 00:28:48,900 Why don't you get him dancing girls and all? 641 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:50,200 Karen, he's mutilated people. 642 00:28:50,300 --> 00:28:51,833 What do you want me to do? 643 00:28:51,933 --> 00:28:53,100 Grow a spine. 644 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,333 Hey, I'm not having that. 645 00:28:54,433 --> 00:28:56,233 All right, it's your choice. 646 00:28:56,333 --> 00:28:58,767 You can share with me, or you can share with him. 647 00:29:20,767 --> 00:29:23,233 [creaking] 648 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:28,633 Jamie? 649 00:29:32,900 --> 00:29:33,733 What? 650 00:29:33,833 --> 00:29:35,300 What do you want? 651 00:30:00,967 --> 00:30:03,433 [moaning] 652 00:30:46,100 --> 00:30:47,233 Oh, where the fuck? 653 00:30:52,867 --> 00:30:54,700 So she actually said she wanted to get 654 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,267 back together with Norma? 655 00:30:56,367 --> 00:30:57,933 She might as well have done. 656 00:30:58,033 --> 00:31:00,933 It's-- it's just gone stale. 657 00:31:01,033 --> 00:31:02,867 You can tell. 658 00:31:02,967 --> 00:31:05,000 Norma not making an effort. 659 00:31:05,100 --> 00:31:09,167 Monica frustrated, taking out her anger. 660 00:31:09,267 --> 00:31:11,900 You know what it's like, been together for a while, 661 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,533 first casualty is cunnilingus. 662 00:31:15,633 --> 00:31:16,500 Well, you know. 663 00:31:20,733 --> 00:31:22,933 She wants to go home with Norma. 664 00:31:23,033 --> 00:31:24,000 I know she does. 665 00:31:27,167 --> 00:31:28,400 Bring the Fuzz Away. 666 00:31:28,500 --> 00:31:29,800 We might need it. 667 00:31:42,100 --> 00:31:43,433 Hey, horsey, horsey. 668 00:31:43,533 --> 00:31:45,867 Have you seen an horse? - An horse? 669 00:31:45,967 --> 00:31:47,367 Yes, a fucking horse. 670 00:31:47,467 --> 00:31:48,167 About that big. 671 00:31:48,267 --> 00:31:50,767 You can't miss it. 672 00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:51,700 Forget it. 673 00:31:54,633 --> 00:31:56,200 Royal Heffernan! 674 00:31:56,300 --> 00:31:56,967 Roy! 675 00:31:57,067 --> 00:31:58,533 Jimbo! 676 00:31:58,633 --> 00:31:59,500 Fuck off. 677 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:00,433 Leg it! 678 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,867 I'm not conforming to this shite, Sheila. 679 00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:11,367 It's just society's scared of real women and our hairy bits. 680 00:32:11,467 --> 00:32:13,367 Wanting us to look like kids. 681 00:32:13,467 --> 00:32:16,500 Yeah, but sometimes, Norma, it's just making the gesture. 682 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:17,967 That's all it takes. 683 00:32:18,067 --> 00:32:19,667 It's like chili con carne. 684 00:32:19,767 --> 00:32:23,600 If you lose the garnish, all of civilization crumbles. 685 00:32:23,700 --> 00:32:26,067 She's gotta remember you're attractive to other women. 686 00:32:26,167 --> 00:32:27,333 That's all. 687 00:32:27,433 --> 00:32:30,400 Look, it says here lack creates desire and-- 688 00:32:30,500 --> 00:32:31,600 Hey, ow. 689 00:32:31,700 --> 00:32:34,233 If that's that Freud pillock, I'm not having it. 690 00:32:34,333 --> 00:32:37,133 Fucking going on about chicks wanting dicks. 691 00:32:37,233 --> 00:32:38,233 Fuck's he on? 692 00:32:38,333 --> 00:32:39,900 It's Jade Goody in Hello. 693 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,867 Yeah, but we all need a boost now and again. 694 00:32:42,967 --> 00:32:43,967 Freshen ourselves up. 695 00:32:44,067 --> 00:32:46,900 - Are you saying I smell? - No. 696 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,133 No, of course not, Norma. 697 00:32:49,233 --> 00:32:50,533 Well, you do a bit. 698 00:32:50,633 --> 00:32:53,367 Anyway, you just have a soak in there for a minute. 699 00:32:53,467 --> 00:32:56,033 I'll get you a glass of dry Italian. 700 00:32:56,133 --> 00:32:56,933 There you go. 701 00:32:57,033 --> 00:32:58,500 Cheers. 702 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:00,700 And come on. 703 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:03,267 [humming] 704 00:33:13,933 --> 00:33:14,767 Bloody Nora. 705 00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:15,867 Well, don't look at me. 706 00:33:15,967 --> 00:33:18,367 I didn't put owt in it. 707 00:33:18,467 --> 00:33:20,800 How the fuck do you lose a bleeding horse? 708 00:33:20,900 --> 00:33:21,767 I don't know. 709 00:33:21,867 --> 00:33:23,433 I think someone's nicked it. 710 00:33:23,533 --> 00:33:24,600 It weren't my fault. 711 00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:26,100 Jesus fucking Christ alive! 712 00:33:31,033 --> 00:33:32,133 Here you go. 713 00:33:32,233 --> 00:33:33,800 Fuck do you want? 714 00:33:33,900 --> 00:33:35,967 Well, I thought a round on the house can't hurt, can it? 715 00:33:36,067 --> 00:33:37,767 Cut the fucking shite. 716 00:33:37,867 --> 00:33:39,467 What do you want? 717 00:33:39,567 --> 00:33:43,400 Well, look, the thing is, Mimi, your Jamie and this-- 718 00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:44,733 this job is-- 719 00:33:44,833 --> 00:33:46,233 I don't know what it is, but please, this pub is my life. 720 00:33:46,333 --> 00:33:47,700 And if the brewery get wind of it, I'm sunk. 721 00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:49,267 I'll give you free drinks for life, whatever. 722 00:33:49,367 --> 00:33:51,100 Ever Just please speak to him. 723 00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:56,400 My Jamie does what he likes, where he likes. 724 00:33:56,500 --> 00:33:59,600 Hey, Jamie, you just carry on, lad, with whatever job 725 00:33:59,700 --> 00:34:01,600 it is you're doing from here. 726 00:34:01,700 --> 00:34:03,900 We're right behind you. 727 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,933 I'm not running a job. 728 00:34:06,033 --> 00:34:08,233 Not from here, not from anywhere. 729 00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:10,167 I'm going straight. 730 00:34:10,267 --> 00:34:13,000 That's why I took the horse back to its owner. 731 00:34:13,100 --> 00:34:14,100 You fucking what? 732 00:34:20,667 --> 00:34:22,767 Now, has anybody else got a problem with that? 733 00:34:26,300 --> 00:34:28,733 Cock. 734 00:34:28,833 --> 00:34:31,567 You see, Black Forest gateau's got a terrible reputation, 735 00:34:31,667 --> 00:34:34,300 but it's actually a very sensual cake. 736 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:38,100 Rustic, invented in the 1930s. 737 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:40,000 Sounds lovely, Sheila. 738 00:34:40,100 --> 00:34:41,800 And Monica loves chocolate. 739 00:34:41,900 --> 00:34:43,267 She told me. 740 00:34:43,367 --> 00:34:45,133 It's one of the things that Norma won't let her have. 741 00:34:45,233 --> 00:34:46,333 Which is very short-sighted of her, 742 00:34:46,433 --> 00:34:48,933 because it's actually aphrodisiac. 743 00:34:49,033 --> 00:34:50,367 You wait till she gets her hands on this. 744 00:34:50,467 --> 00:34:52,500 There'll be no holding her back, the dirty bitch. 745 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:55,933 Oh, and it's a very evocative name for lesbians. 746 00:34:56,033 --> 00:34:58,200 Unless she waxes. 747 00:34:58,300 --> 00:35:00,567 Come on, let's get this over there. 748 00:35:00,667 --> 00:35:02,133 [moaning] 749 00:35:09,067 --> 00:35:10,067 Oh. 750 00:35:13,033 --> 00:35:14,033 Norma? 751 00:35:22,300 --> 00:35:23,333 You all right, bird? 752 00:35:27,133 --> 00:35:29,600 Dinner is served. 753 00:35:29,700 --> 00:35:30,533 Come on. 754 00:35:45,933 --> 00:35:46,767 You look nice, Norma. 755 00:35:50,233 --> 00:35:53,633 You've even got lipstick on. 756 00:35:53,733 --> 00:35:58,100 Hey, it's-- it's fanny pink. 757 00:35:58,200 --> 00:35:59,167 Debbie gave it me. 758 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,067 It's "fancy pink." 759 00:36:04,167 --> 00:36:05,267 I told you you need glasses. 760 00:36:07,433 --> 00:36:08,433 You told me you loved me. 761 00:36:11,767 --> 00:36:15,500 So what happened, bird? 762 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:16,600 Can't we sort this out? 763 00:36:19,667 --> 00:36:20,500 Keep the change. 764 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:22,233 Cheers, mate. 765 00:36:22,333 --> 00:36:23,867 So he's really going straight, then? 766 00:36:23,967 --> 00:36:25,233 Apparently. 767 00:36:25,333 --> 00:36:26,033 Great. 768 00:36:26,133 --> 00:36:27,200 Then I can have me job back. 769 00:36:27,300 --> 00:36:28,567 Oi! 770 00:36:28,667 --> 00:36:31,300 You only got my job because people are too scared of you. 771 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:32,667 Karen! 772 00:36:32,767 --> 00:36:33,700 So this was-- 773 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,400 My job, and now I want it back. 774 00:36:36,500 --> 00:36:37,267 Hang on a minute. 775 00:36:37,367 --> 00:36:38,567 I have some say in this. 776 00:36:38,667 --> 00:36:40,100 It's my pub, and there's been no trouble in here 777 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:41,867 since he started. - Jez. 778 00:36:41,967 --> 00:36:43,167 So why don't you share it? 779 00:36:43,267 --> 00:36:45,067 Half the week each, and that's me final offer. 780 00:36:51,133 --> 00:36:52,533 You're still a fucking perv. 781 00:36:52,633 --> 00:36:53,533 You what? 782 00:36:53,633 --> 00:36:55,467 You came into Jezzie's room last night, 783 00:36:55,567 --> 00:36:58,800 and you started getting off with me dress. 784 00:36:58,900 --> 00:37:00,067 Was I sleepwalking? 785 00:37:00,167 --> 00:37:01,333 Look, I sleepwalk. 786 00:37:01,433 --> 00:37:02,867 Don't know what you were doing, 787 00:37:02,967 --> 00:37:06,133 but you were bollock naked, and you were groping my dress. 788 00:37:06,233 --> 00:37:07,700 So you saw me? 789 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,267 Of course I did. 790 00:37:09,367 --> 00:37:11,233 Well, how much did you see? 791 00:37:11,333 --> 00:37:17,633 Everything, in detail, close up. 792 00:37:17,733 --> 00:37:21,267 Who's perving now, eh? 793 00:37:21,367 --> 00:37:24,200 Oh, there's no community spirit anymore. 794 00:37:24,300 --> 00:37:26,533 It's every man for himself, isn't it? 795 00:37:26,633 --> 00:37:28,800 I should have known nobody's give anything. 796 00:37:28,900 --> 00:37:30,367 Can I have me pension back, then? 797 00:37:34,167 --> 00:37:36,267 I've given it to a kiddy's charity. 798 00:37:36,367 --> 00:37:39,533 Oh, what are you like? 799 00:37:50,500 --> 00:37:51,167 What's happening? 800 00:37:51,267 --> 00:37:52,600 They're holding hands. 801 00:37:52,700 --> 00:37:53,533 Are you sure? 802 00:37:53,633 --> 00:37:54,433 LIAM: Yeah. 803 00:37:57,300 --> 00:37:58,933 There's the cherry on the top. 804 00:37:59,033 --> 00:38:00,000 Mwah. 805 00:38:02,633 --> 00:38:10,300 Norm, the one thing that you can't give me is what I need-- 806 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:11,233 my babies. 807 00:38:14,233 --> 00:38:16,633 So it's-- it's really them, then? 808 00:38:16,733 --> 00:38:18,800 I've told you. 809 00:38:18,900 --> 00:38:21,300 Well, all right. 810 00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:25,900 Well, if that's what it's about, I'll have a baby for you. 811 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,133 I mean-- I mean, I'm not fucking any bloke, mind. 812 00:38:29,233 --> 00:38:31,300 We'll have to get a donation. 813 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:35,767 But if that's what it takes, I'm there. 814 00:38:35,867 --> 00:38:38,533 You'd do that for me? 815 00:38:38,633 --> 00:38:42,333 I'd do anything for you. 816 00:38:42,433 --> 00:38:47,500 Please, please, please come back to me! 817 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:48,867 Oh, Norm. 818 00:38:48,967 --> 00:38:50,367 Do you really love me that much? 819 00:39:01,567 --> 00:39:03,300 Well? 820 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:04,233 Yeah. 821 00:39:09,867 --> 00:39:10,733 I need the loo. 822 00:39:19,067 --> 00:39:20,867 So what's she said? 823 00:39:20,967 --> 00:39:23,767 She's thinking about it. 824 00:39:23,867 --> 00:39:26,267 I've offered a baby. 825 00:39:26,367 --> 00:39:27,600 A baby? 826 00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:31,333 That's what I've promised, if she'll come back. 827 00:39:31,433 --> 00:39:34,967 But I might have to get someone else to do it, though. 828 00:39:35,067 --> 00:39:36,900 How do two women? 829 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:37,800 Turkey baster. 830 00:39:44,833 --> 00:39:46,700 Oh, Frank. 831 00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:50,067 I'm so confused. 832 00:39:50,167 --> 00:39:53,533 Norma's offered me a baby. 833 00:39:53,633 --> 00:39:55,600 I don't know what to do. 834 00:39:55,700 --> 00:39:56,533 Well-- 835 00:40:00,033 --> 00:40:02,400 I mean, supposing it's all just words 836 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:05,267 and it all just gets tired again, 837 00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:16,933 and I end up feeling trapped, oh, Frank, I need a hug. 838 00:40:17,033 --> 00:40:18,433 Oh. 839 00:40:18,533 --> 00:40:19,700 Oh. 840 00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:20,600 Oh. 841 00:40:20,700 --> 00:40:21,900 Oh. 842 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:22,800 Oh. 843 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,833 Oh. 844 00:40:28,933 --> 00:40:31,167 [humming 1812 overture] 845 00:40:41,467 --> 00:40:43,867 So you get a turkey baster and you-- 846 00:40:43,967 --> 00:40:46,033 Is that singing? 847 00:40:46,133 --> 00:40:48,600 [humming 1812 overture] 848 00:40:51,533 --> 00:40:52,800 I hear anything. 849 00:40:59,700 --> 00:41:02,133 [moaning] 850 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,700 Where's-- where's the fucking remote? 851 00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:40,667 Oh no, it's all right. 852 00:41:40,767 --> 00:41:41,833 You don't have to go. 853 00:41:41,933 --> 00:41:43,400 I'm sorry, Norma. 854 00:41:43,500 --> 00:41:45,000 I can't do it. 855 00:41:45,100 --> 00:41:47,867 It's my babies here I need. 856 00:41:47,967 --> 00:41:49,800 Well, what are you talking about? 857 00:41:49,900 --> 00:41:53,167 I'm not coming back, Norm. 858 00:41:53,267 --> 00:41:54,767 And I'm sorry to you three and all. 859 00:41:54,867 --> 00:41:57,033 You went to so much trouble. 860 00:41:57,133 --> 00:42:00,100 Food was lovely, though. 861 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:03,367 It's all right. I understand. 862 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:26,333 Here. 863 00:42:26,433 --> 00:42:28,400 Cheers. 864 00:42:28,500 --> 00:42:29,600 So what are you gonna do now? 865 00:42:29,700 --> 00:42:32,667 Are you gonna go home? 866 00:42:32,767 --> 00:42:35,967 No, she'll come round. 867 00:42:36,067 --> 00:42:38,267 She's just not thinking straight. 868 00:42:38,367 --> 00:42:42,000 She doesn't realize that she can have me as well as you lot. 869 00:42:42,100 --> 00:42:43,233 But she will. 870 00:42:43,333 --> 00:42:45,233 And when she does, I'll be here, waiting. 871 00:42:48,567 --> 00:42:50,800 You can use the inside toilets from now on, if, you want to. 872 00:42:54,733 --> 00:42:56,933 Thanks. 873 00:42:57,033 --> 00:42:58,667 Electricity 40 pound a quarter, 874 00:42:58,767 --> 00:43:02,433 and I'll get you your rent book. 875 00:43:02,533 --> 00:43:04,000 Hey? 876 00:43:04,100 --> 00:43:05,667 You have to find a way of getting shot of her. 877 00:43:05,767 --> 00:43:06,600 Right. 878 00:43:06,700 --> 00:43:08,667 We just have to-- 879 00:43:08,767 --> 00:43:09,867 Sheila, will you? 880 00:43:09,967 --> 00:43:11,700 I'm not fighting her anymore, Frank. 881 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:15,500 She wants her babies, she's entitled to them. 882 00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:17,633 Yeah, but, Sheila-- 883 00:43:17,733 --> 00:43:20,033 It's too so exhausting, hate. 884 00:43:20,133 --> 00:43:22,100 Anyway, the best woman's won. 885 00:43:22,200 --> 00:43:23,400 I'm married to you now. 886 00:43:23,500 --> 00:43:25,467 There's nothing she can do about that. 887 00:43:25,567 --> 00:43:27,933 And if you love someone, set them free. 888 00:43:28,033 --> 00:43:30,500 I'm setting you free, Frank. 889 00:43:30,600 --> 00:43:32,067 I'm trusting you. 890 00:43:38,633 --> 00:43:41,867 Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? 891 00:43:41,967 --> 00:43:43,300 There was too much sunlight yesterday. 892 00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,733 I'm feeling a bit insidey outsidey. 893 00:43:45,833 --> 00:43:47,767 Thought I'd make these for myself. 894 00:43:54,667 --> 00:43:57,667 FRANK (VOICEOVER): Squidgy-gate, Camilla-gate, 895 00:43:57,767 --> 00:43:59,833 Watergate, Gareth Gates. 896 00:43:59,933 --> 00:44:01,233 I mean, what's it all about, eh? 897 00:44:01,333 --> 00:44:05,500 All these private secrets? 898 00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:07,900 And what good does it do, eh, to let 'em out? 899 00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:12,433 All you get's a load of heartache and misery. 900 00:44:12,533 --> 00:44:14,200 And what you don't know can't hurt you. 901 00:44:14,300 --> 00:44:16,200 That's what I say. 902 00:44:16,300 --> 00:44:17,767 Ignorance is bliss. 903 00:44:17,867 --> 00:44:19,100 Plus, it must be true. 904 00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:20,800 I mean, look at George Bush. 905 00:44:20,900 --> 00:44:23,767 Thick as fucking shit, yet he smiles enough, doesn't he? 906 00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:42,700 [theme music] 907 00:45:20,867 --> 00:45:22,867 [heroic music] 908 00:45:22,967 --> 00:45:25,100 [horse galloping] 909 00:45:31,033 --> 00:45:32,567 Yee-haw!