1 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:14,806 Well, that's just... uncomfortable. 2 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:16,890 Oh, hey, guys. What's up? 3 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,018 What's up? 4 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:21,027 Tell us what happened. Did we win, did we lose? 5 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:22,814 Is humanity saved forever? 6 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:26,067 And did you find my Nintendo? I can't find it any... whoop. 7 00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:27,584 Never mind. I'm holding it. 8 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,946 Sorry, I can't reveal the results of the experiment 9 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:30,947 until we get to the Judge's chambers. 10 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,331 Okay, where is everyone? 11 00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:34,784 Where's Simone and John and Brent and actually 12 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:35,785 I don't care about any of those doofs. 13 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:36,745 Where's Chidi? 14 00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,705 Oh, he's on the toilet. 15 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,722 Sorry, that's not enough information. 16 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,824 The test subjects are frozen in stasis, 17 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:44,335 so I put them in the bathroom, 18 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:47,130 and I placed Chidi on the toilet, 19 00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,381 the best seat. 20 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:49,465 Let's wake him up. 21 00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:50,591 You know, so I can, like, 22 00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,511 be reunited with the man I love. 23 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,387 Snappy, snappy, memory fixy. 24 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:55,972 The Judge says no one gets unfrozen 25 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,433 until she's ruled on the case. 26 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,935 Oh, humans have to stay here. You can't see the numbers. 27 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,312 Hang on. 28 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:04,480 I worked my ash off running this neighborhood 29 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:05,732 for a full year, 30 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,151 and I'm not even allowed to hear how we did? 31 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,695 Yes. And here's a bottle of tequila. 32 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:13,114 Okay, let us know how it goes. 33 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:23,083 I find this a bit unnerving. 34 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:24,709 Regardless of what the Judge rules, 35 00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:26,544 this feels like some sort of good-bye. 36 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,463 Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee 37 00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:29,672 she'll keep us together. 38 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,132 She might just snap her fingers 39 00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:34,511 and send us flying into different dimensions. 40 00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,554 How was that? Did I cheer everyone up? 41 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,431 Aw, man, are we gonna die again? 42 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,350 We've died so many times. 43 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,979 We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. 44 00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,245 It's getting annoying. 45 00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:46,772 If it would cheer you up, 46 00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:49,525 I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. 47 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:52,195 Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that... 48 00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:53,613 Uh, please stop. 49 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,031 I don't want to hear it. 50 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,199 What about mine? 51 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,535 Your friends didn't say things about you 52 00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:01,252 so much as they graffiti-ed a Red Lobster about you. 53 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:02,455 Yeah, in Jacksonville, 54 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,165 that's the first stage of grief. 55 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,792 It goes: Graffiti, ATV race, 56 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,295 tattoo fight, 57 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,922 prank call the morgue, graffiti the morgue. 58 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,674 In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, 59 00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:16,386 or they can put your body out on a shooting range, 60 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,555 and you get a $200 state tax credit. 61 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,223 Hang on. 62 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,808 This is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. 63 00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:25,604 We're all best friends. We're all dead. 64 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,731 Let's throw ourselves the funeral 65 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,274 to end all funerals. 66 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:30,525 Awesome. 67 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,235 And you know what they say in Florida: 68 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:35,447 "If you don't like this funeral, just wait a minute." 69 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:42,120 Ugh. The Judge's chambers. I hate this place. 70 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:47,208 What's the Wi-Fi password? There is no service. 71 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:48,752 Shawn. 72 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:49,878 Michael. 73 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,754 Bounces off me, and sticks to you. 74 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,632 Wait. No, I messed that up. 75 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,634 First, say something mean to me, 76 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,511 really cruel, something that just guts me. 77 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,388 You're totally gonna be glue. 78 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,058 So it's come to this. 79 00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:04,924 We have finally arrived at the end 80 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,228 of your pathetic attempt to prove that humans 81 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,607 are more than just mobile turd factories, 82 00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:13,610 and you are going to fail again 83 00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:15,654 because that is what you do. 84 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,822 You're a choker, Michael. 85 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:20,742 And you're about to choke for the last time 86 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:22,326 except for the eternity you're going to spend 87 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,287 in the Bad Place being choked by me, 88 00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:27,457 who will be doing the choking. 89 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,584 Well, you're glue. 90 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,877 Wow. 91 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,546 - Look at this place. - Beautiful. 92 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:34,964 The floor. 93 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,882 Hello, Good Place committee. Thank you for coming. 94 00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:38,343 No, thank you, Michael. 95 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,177 You did an incredible job, 96 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:42,680 maybe the best job that anyone's ever done at any task. 97 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,599 But you don't know how we did. 98 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,685 We might not know how you did, 99 00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:48,520 but we know you did great. 100 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,980 And Shawn, before we even find out what happened, 101 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,356 we want you to know we're willing to give up 102 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,402 all our leverage, compromise, and meet you halfway. 103 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:57,069 I met your mom halfway last night. 104 00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,989 So colorful! 105 00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,117 We are here to celebrate the afterlife 106 00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:03,910 of Tahani Al-Jamil, 107 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,454 in the place she felt most comfortable, 108 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:10,375 the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet. 109 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,293 Tahani was super nice, 110 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,587 and she deserved for people 111 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,298 to be nicer to her than they were. 112 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,842 The only sad thing is that 113 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:21,511 she never got over her speech impediment. 114 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,764 Tahani improved so much over her many lives, 115 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,142 but she also helped me improve. 116 00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:29,728 She taught me lots of stuff, 117 00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:31,854 like bras shouldn't be painful, 118 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,858 and you don't buy bras at Home Depot, 119 00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:36,734 and they don't sell bras at Home Depot. 120 00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:37,943 What the hell are you wearing? 121 00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:39,070 For the record, 122 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:41,114 it was a men's back support harness, 123 00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:43,532 and it worked in a pinch. 124 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:46,286 She was the best friend I ever had, 125 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:47,287 and I loved her. 126 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,872 Oh, thank you so much. 127 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,708 That was wonderful. 128 00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,710 I wish Chidi was here. 129 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:57,005 It sucks that he's too dead for these heaven funerals. 130 00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,464 Can someone grab his arm? 131 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,424 My hands are kind of full with his butt. 132 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,093 How'd he get so jacked? 133 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,928 When he was 14, someone told him that 134 00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,847 exercise alleviated anxiety, 135 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,892 and he started doing pushups and basically never stopped. 136 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,394 All right, everyone. 137 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,605 Let's get this done. 138 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:16,065 This is the single most important case 139 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:17,983 that has ever appeared in my court, 140 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,569 and the results will have ramifications for eternity. 141 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,530 Before we begin, 142 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,366 I'm going to need you all to sign this. 143 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,579 A petition to bring back "Ally McBeal." 144 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:30,789 Well, yeah. 145 00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:32,623 I mean, everything else is getting rebooted. 146 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,376 Get a young hottie in there, you know, like a Zendaya type. 147 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,753 Is it Zendaya or Zendaya? 148 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,213 Zendaya. 149 00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:39,255 Or... I don't... 150 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,631 I mean, who wouldn't watch that? 151 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,175 Am I right? Anyone? 152 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,676 Fine. 153 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,929 Take it away, Matt. 154 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,766 Okay, the moment we've all been waiting for. 155 00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:53,937 The test results that dictate the future of humanity. 156 00:05:54,103 --> 00:05:56,606 Here we go. In 30, 29... 157 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,400 Two, one. 158 00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:00,527 Voila. 159 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,779 I thought this would be fun. 160 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,615 Had a lot of time alone in there. 161 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,743 Bam! 162 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:12,037 Simone got 12% better than she was on Earth. 163 00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:14,666 Bam! Chidi got 26% better. 164 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,585 Bam! John got 44% better. 165 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,132 Shoot. 166 00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:25,899 Shouldn't have committed so hard to this "bam" thing. 167 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:30,389 Funeral! 168 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,892 Jason, at the risk of getting an answer 169 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,751 that might thoroughly depress me, 170 00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:36,270 what made you choose this setting? 171 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:37,646 There's a Jacksonville tradition 172 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,357 of having your funeral where you were born. 173 00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:41,984 I got born in the deep end of a pool 174 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,195 right after my mom did a cannonball. 175 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,612 Well, I knew the risks. 176 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:47,573 You never really talk about your mom. 177 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,325 Yeah, she died when I was pretty young. 178 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,244 I lost her to the big C. 179 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:53,788 That's what we called the crocodile 180 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,583 that lived by my house. 181 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,377 I'm just playing. It was cancer. 182 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,504 Watch me do a handstand. 183 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,926 Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. 184 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,220 He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten 185 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,347 to having a piñata on his birthday 186 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,140 was when a seagull ate too many condoms 187 00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:14,183 on the beach and exploded. 188 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,768 But despite it all, 189 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:19,022 he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met. 190 00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:20,397 Jason was the very first person 191 00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:21,649 to ask me about my feelings. 192 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:22,859 I hadn't had any yet, 193 00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:25,111 but it made me want to go get some. 194 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,071 I could see something special inside him 195 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,907 that no one else could see. 196 00:07:29,073 --> 00:07:30,407 It was a multi-colored blob 197 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:32,911 of positivity right behind his sternum. 198 00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:36,664 That's my Jason, a big, colorful, rainbow blob 199 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,375 stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure. 200 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:43,171 Jason probably improved the most of any of us. 201 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,788 He was a literal criminal when he first showed up. 202 00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:50,470 And I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy 203 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,137 so I could talk about what really mattered in life. 204 00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:56,392 Wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham. 205 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:57,852 Statham forever! 206 00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,771 Indeed. 207 00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,898 Statham forever. Amen. 208 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,149 Amen. 209 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,166 During his year in the neighborhood, 210 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,445 Brent was bad across a wide range 211 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:10,031 of badness categories: 212 00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:12,742 Fatphobia, road rage. 213 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:15,787 He did what he called a "funny Chinese voice" 214 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,413 on 920 occasions... 215 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,230 More than you'd want, certainly. 216 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,417 But let's focus on the big picture here. 217 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,752 Free of Earth's complications 218 00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:25,964 and its unintended consequences, 219 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,132 the other three improved a lot. 220 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:31,219 Chidi got 38% more confident. 221 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:35,223 Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, 222 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,850 and John didn't call one single person the C-word. 223 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,687 But he did yell the C-word at himself 224 00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:42,772 as well as a pack of squirrels 225 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,524 and a chair he tripped over. 226 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:45,733 Why are we even still discussing this? 227 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,735 Brent got worse. 228 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,112 If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, 229 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,864 maybe they're just not that good. 230 00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:54,701 He's right; The evidence needed to be overwhelming. 231 00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:57,286 I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down 232 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,288 because three people got a little bit better. 233 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,540 But don't forget. 234 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,374 There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, 235 00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:05,002 Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, 236 00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,338 so that's six people. 237 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,381 That's the number of friends in "Friends." 238 00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:11,634 Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend 239 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,261 belongs in hell? 240 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:17,222 I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey, 241 00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,143 and definitely Chandler, 242 00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:21,394 but Phoebe? 243 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,730 Face it, Michael. You lost. 244 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,856 Everything you've done, this experiment, 245 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,316 the original Neighborhood, 246 00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,234 sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, 247 00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:30,527 all of it was for nothing. 248 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,989 Bam. You're glue. 249 00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:34,699 Actually, Shawn, 250 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:36,283 that's a very interesting point. 251 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:37,410 Exactly. What? 252 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,127 Matt, call up the active files 253 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,080 of four people still alive on Earth, 254 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:43,332 Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, 255 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:44,667 and her stepdaughter Patricia, 256 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,086 and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi. 257 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,587 They were not part of the experiment. 258 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,422 If he gets to bring random good people into it, 259 00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,091 I should be able to bring in random bad people. 260 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,050 Call up Elizabeth Holmes. 261 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,261 No, Henry Kissinger. 262 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,804 No... 263 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,514 PewDiePie. 264 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,766 Your Honor, the people I want to look at are not random. 265 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:01,851 They're four humans 266 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,894 the cockroaches helped on Earth. 267 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:06,189 No magic. Just... just kindness. 268 00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,566 And I bet their emotional support 269 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,401 made those four people better. 270 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:11,736 And if I'm wrong, 271 00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:14,155 I'll be the first to say 272 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:15,656 we're glue. 273 00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:18,123 I don't think any of you is using that right, 274 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:21,037 but, fine, let's see it. 275 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:22,204 Look. Right there. 276 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,581 After we intervened, 277 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:26,298 Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. 278 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,295 Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name 279 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,256 that sent 213 women to college. 280 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:35,468 Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, 281 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,302 and that little girl 282 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:40,223 actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. 283 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,474 Yikes. 284 00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:44,268 Look, the point is people improve 285 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:48,231 when they get external love and support. 286 00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:50,607 How can we hold it against them when they don't? 287 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:53,402 Need I remind you that Brent got worse with every second 288 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,155 of every moment of every day. 289 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:57,740 Until right at the end. 290 00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,576 With 10 seconds left, he swung way up. 291 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,037 This is it, Your Honor. 292 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,498 This is the whole story. 293 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,959 No one is beyond rehabilitation. 294 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,393 Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load 295 00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:12,630 of a human being, 296 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,381 and the points total tells you that. 297 00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:17,677 But what that number can't tell you 298 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:21,430 is who he could've become tomorrow. 299 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:26,059 I'll have my ruling shortly. 300 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:30,148 Wow. Great job, everyone. 301 00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,399 Whatever happens next, I think we can all agree 302 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,527 the real winner is polite discourse. 303 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,821 - Choke on a dookie. - You got it, pal. 304 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,864 Okay, Janet, where do you want to go for your funeral? 305 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,282 Dave and Buster's, probably? 306 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,950 You probably want to go to Dave and Buster's. 307 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,869 I think I heard her say Dave and Buster's, 308 00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,353 so let's just go there. We can sort it out later. 309 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,624 It's nice that you want to honor me, 310 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:49,667 but 311 00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,627 you've already given me so much. 312 00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:55,089 Tahani taught me that you can make a family, 313 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,424 even if you never really had one. 314 00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,009 Jason taught me that I have value 315 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,554 beyond what I do for other people, 316 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:04,390 and that I could be happy instead of just cheerful. 317 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,975 And Eleanor 318 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,642 there was a moment on Earth when all hope was lost, 319 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:10,521 and I watched you have hope anyway. 320 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:11,981 Just thinking about that 321 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:15,359 makes me want to barf up a beautiful quasar. 322 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,736 Well said, Janet. 323 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,113 That means it's your turn, Eleanor. 324 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,365 All right. Mine's easy. 325 00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,574 We don't even have to move. 326 00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:24,452 I stand here before you, 327 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,996 in sweatpants for the first time ever, 328 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:29,373 to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop 329 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,168 in a place where she spent much of her life, 330 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:34,837 a bar in a house she was not invited to. 331 00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:37,256 Eleanor was full of surprises. 332 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,323 I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me, 333 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,554 or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, 334 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,598 and also vaguely problematic. 335 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,015 - Well... - But whether she was 336 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,769 lifting me up or calling me out... 337 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:57,151 I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me. 338 00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,154 Eleanor, in a word, you're dope as hell. 339 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:01,521 I know you don't like it 340 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,783 when people get all emotional about you, 341 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,495 so I channeled all of my love for you into this song. 342 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,937 That's when the foam cannons go pshh! 343 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,216 Explode outward! 344 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,683 And then back to the song. 345 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,387 Okay, okay, we're good. 346 00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:25,388 Thank you. 347 00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:27,097 Yeah. 348 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,224 Okay, who's left? 349 00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:32,769 We are here to celebrate the afterlife 350 00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,814 of Chidi Anagonye. 351 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:37,081 Eleanor, would you like to say a few words? 352 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,615 Chidi was a 353 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,827 rootin', tootin', rackin' frackin' varmint. 354 00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,912 Sorry, I don't know why I just went 355 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,455 full Yosemite Sam, there. 356 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,416 Um 357 00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,584 Yeah, I don't think I can 358 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,253 do this. 359 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,296 I... I can't sum up all of my feelings about Chidi, 360 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,549 so I'm gonna pass. 361 00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:03,801 Well, perhaps for now, 362 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:07,305 it's enough for all of us just to be with him. 363 00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,716 The Judge is about to make her ruling. 364 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,729 She wants us to be there to hear it. 365 00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:16,647 Oh, we should probably change outfits. 366 00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,899 Tahani's sweatpants say "skank army" on the butt. 367 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,276 They do? 368 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:24,613 Ooh. What's Chidi doing here? 369 00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:27,324 Sorry, but I'm not letting him out of my sight again. 370 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,493 I'm not complaining. 371 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,537 Michael 372 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,957 you came to me and said the points system was flawed, 373 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:39,211 a system that has been in place since the dawn of time 374 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:43,382 and has judged every soul that has ever walked the earth. 375 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:47,636 And I have come to the conclusion 376 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:50,139 that you're right. 377 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,849 - I'm... - You're right. 378 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,810 Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. 379 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,437 They can always get better, 380 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,774 which means the points system does not accurately judge 381 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,484 how good or bad they are. 382 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,404 You won. 383 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:10,576 Well 384 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,286 that wasn't so hard now, what it? 385 00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:15,706 We did it! We did it! 386 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,127 The universe owes you a debt of gratitude 387 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,586 for bringing this to my attention. 388 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:24,382 Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, 389 00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:27,343 obviously, Earth is canceled. 390 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,386 Buhh... 391 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,595 Earth is what, now? 392 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:30,971 All humans on Earth 393 00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:33,188 and in the afterlife will be extinguished, 394 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,644 and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. 395 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,521 And you know what's so funny? 396 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,023 In a very roundabout way, 397 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:44,068 I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal" 398 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,112 because I'm rebooting everything. 399 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,990 Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won. 400 00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,996 Whoa, whoa, Your Honor. 401 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,665 Let's just slow down here, 402 00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,333 and say everything again maybe, 403 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,168 because I think some of us 404 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:04,713 were thinking about skateboards and don't know what's going on. 405 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:08,342 Canceling Earth... but doesn't that seem a bit drastic? 406 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,178 It's just too much of a mess down there, you know? 407 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:14,682 I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone 408 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,725 that ever lived and restart 409 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:20,062 with a bunch of amoebas or whatever. 410 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,231 Then human life will evolve again, 411 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:23,815 or maybe even something better. 412 00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:27,153 Maybe this time they won't have baby teeth, you know? 413 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,321 That whole thing is so weird, like they fall out 414 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:32,450 and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole. 415 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,076 Gross. 416 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,829 Anyway, the important thing is Earth... 417 00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:40,624 How are you guys surprised? 418 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:41,875 I mean, what did you think was gonna happen if you won? 419 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:43,335 I don't know. 420 00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,837 I thought we could just, like, give three points 421 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,547 for eating an apple instead of two. 422 00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:50,426 Yes, why can't we just tweak the points a little? 423 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:53,643 Just, you know, a little boost, like Spanx, but for your soul. 424 00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:55,264 - Yes. - I can answer this. 425 00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,266 The points can't be "changed." 426 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,101 They just "are." 427 00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,228 What does that mean, they just "are"? 428 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,105 Oh, how can I put this in terms you'll understand? 429 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,858 Um, since the beginning of time, 430 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,985 points just are. 431 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,611 You know what? You're bad at your job. 432 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,406 Guys, the problem isn't the points. 433 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,825 It's that Earth has become too complicated 434 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:16,619 for the points to reflect 435 00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,329 the value of human behavior. 436 00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,997 Remember? The whole thing you discovered? 437 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:24,919 And now I have no choice but to fix it. 438 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:28,506 Where did I put that human wiper outer thingy? 439 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:32,510 Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing that ends all the wars, 440 00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:33,969 "Justified" season two. 441 00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:36,055 Wow, you won. 442 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:38,349 And you still somehow failed. 443 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:39,350 Classic. 444 00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:43,354 Wake Chidi up. Now. 445 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:44,646 We need all the help we can get. 446 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,480 You really want me to wake him up, 447 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,651 just to tell him that he and everyone else 448 00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:51,111 in the universe is going to cease to exist? 449 00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:52,821 Not when you say it like that. 450 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:53,989 Well, what... 451 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,616 The Good Place nerds. 452 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:56,617 Our only hope. 453 00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:57,742 Oh, wait, I, you know... 454 00:17:57,826 --> 00:17:58,994 Yo, yo, yo, angel types, 455 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,162 if you are ever gonna do something, 456 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:01,372 you gotta do it now. 457 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,998 Oh, you bet we're gonna do something. 458 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,833 This has gone too far. 459 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,753 I'm composing some very sternly worded letters. 460 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,214 Are we sure stern is the right tone? 461 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,799 We don't want to seem strident. It upsets the norms. 462 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:13,884 You're absolutely right. 463 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:15,386 I apologize, 464 00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,253 and resign, effective immediately. 465 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,572 So bold. I am so proud of you. 466 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:21,225 Here it is. Great. 467 00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:23,185 Any last words for humanity? 468 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,398 The funeral to end all funerals, I guess. 469 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,942 Michael, Shawn, Janet, 470 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,819 see you in maybe a billion years. 471 00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:35,406 It has been one crazy ride, you guys. 472 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,241 ♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪ 473 00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:38,783 ♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪ 474 00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:39,910 ♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪ 475 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,286 ♪ And I'm gonna miss every... ♪ 476 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,039 ♪ See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪ 477 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,459 ♪ See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪ 478 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,129 I'm gonna miss you guys. 479 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,214 Okay. 480 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,507 Bye, y'all. 481 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,387 Janet, what the hell? Give it back. 482 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:02,474 No, it's in my void, and you can't have it. 483 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,434 I don't say "no" a lot. Did I pronounce that right? 484 00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:05,936 Janet, you give me back my thingy, 485 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,729 or I will go into your void and get it myself. 486 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,022 I'd like to see you try. 487 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,108 Oh, okay. She's trying right now. 488 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,068 She's in my void. 489 00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,695 It feels... it feels weird. 490 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,323 Yikes. Whoa. Okay. 491 00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,158 Real cute, honey. Where is it? 492 00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,660 What do you mean? It's not in my void? 493 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,329 No. 494 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,581 It's in mine. 495 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:28,125 Ugh. I feel like such a wiener hole saying this, 496 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:32,630 but Michael wrote a manifesto, and I read it on the toilet. 497 00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:36,258 I don't have to poop. I choose to. 498 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:38,469 Anyway, I'm with them now. 499 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:40,012 Are you kidding me? 500 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,847 Oh, get over yourself, you dork. 501 00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,017 The whole system is royally effed. 502 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,186 Humans suck, 503 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:48,562 but this isn't their fault. 504 00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:51,190 You read what I wrote and it got through to you? 505 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:53,608 Yeah, but I also used the pages to wipe my butt, 506 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,611 so don't pop a stiffy just yet. 507 00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:57,363 Mm-kay? 508 00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,281 - Ugh. - I am so proud of you. 509 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:00,532 I don't care. 510 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,118 I think you do a little bit. 511 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:04,495 Whoo! Sister hug. 512 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,079 Okay, get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew. 513 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,498 Hey, listen up. 514 00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:10,125 I made an official ruling, and I am not going to see it 515 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,087 undone by two Janets playing keep-away. 516 00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:15,589 Oh, I should've explained. 517 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,841 It's not two of us. 518 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,385 It's all of us. 519 00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,219 - Hi! - What up, nerds? 520 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:22,721 - Hello. - Eat my farts, losers. 521 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,472 I am here for a certain reason and no other reasons. 522 00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,224 - What up, fart-knockers? - Hi! 523 00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:28,060 - Hello. - What it is? What it is? 524 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,603 What up, dorks? 525 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:36,693 Sent the manifesto around to all the other Janets. 526 00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,654 We have a group text now. 527 00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,364 I mostly send GIFs of otters. 528 00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:46,745 This is so annoying! 529 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,664 Okay, Janets. 530 00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,916 You want to do this the hard way? 531 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:55,045 I am gonna search your voids one by one. 532 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:59,675 And then marbleize you one by one 533 00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:05,097 until I get my stupid Earth rebooter thingy back. 534 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,765 We're not gonna be able to hold her off forever. 535 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:08,350 We need a plan. 536 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:11,269 Okay, so what's the plan? 537 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:13,439 Plan, plan, plan. 538 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,065 Step one, get a plan. 539 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:17,609 Step two, do the plan. 540 00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:19,527 Yeah, yeah. This is working. 541 00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:22,656 - Michael, focus. - Right, sorry. Uh 542 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:25,033 all right, so if we can't change the points, 543 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,412 then maybe we can change what we do with the points. 544 00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:31,790 Yeah, we just need a brand new system 545 00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:33,757 for judging humans in the afterlife. 546 00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:35,794 We can do this, right? 547 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,212 Yeah, but in order to crack it, 548 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,880 I think you know what needs to happen. 549 00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:41,383 There is literally only one person here 550 00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:42,926 who is smart enough 551 00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:45,888 and thoughtful enough to save humanity. 552 00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:49,641 Fine. I'll do it. 553 00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:51,518 Not you, dummy. 554 00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:53,103 Designing a better afterlife 555 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:55,647 is the ultimate ethical question. 556 00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:57,982 Chidi spent his entire existence 557 00:21:58,066 --> 00:21:59,567 pondering the biggest questions. 558 00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:04,031 He is brilliant and empathetic. 559 00:22:04,198 --> 00:22:06,867 All he cares about is how best to treat other people, 560 00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,884 and he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it. 561 00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:13,749 He never gives up on anyone, 562 00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:15,626 no matter how hopeless they seem. 563 00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,544 If we're gonna pull this off, 564 00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:21,256 we need Chidi back, and he needs his memories. 565 00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:25,344 You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, 566 00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:30,808 stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, 567 00:22:30,974 --> 00:22:35,479 and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? 568 00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:37,147 You think that will go well? 569 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,191 I don't know how it's gonna go. 570 00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:41,317 But he is our only chance, 571 00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:43,051 and it is now or literally never. 572 00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:45,697 Wake him up. 573 00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:50,410 Not in this Janet. Next.