1 00:00:25,389 --> 00:00:27,254 Greetings, gentlemen. 2 00:00:28,259 --> 00:00:31,888 I assume your wives are not with you, as the very title of our piece... 3 00:00:31,962 --> 00:00:34,328 is sufficient to strike terror in their hearts... 4 00:00:34,398 --> 00:00:38,561 and cause them to remain at home in their kitchens, where they belong! 5 00:00:40,871 --> 00:00:44,567 In any case, gentlemen, you have come here tonight to learn... 6 00:00:44,641 --> 00:00:46,872 and so you shall. 7 00:00:50,915 --> 00:00:54,942 We will begin by considering the case of Mr. Stanley Ford. 8 00:00:55,152 --> 00:00:59,953 Unlike you poor souls, Mr. Ford has had the wisdom never to marry. 9 00:01:00,024 --> 00:01:03,323 He is, therefore, a completely happy man. 10 00:01:06,330 --> 00:01:08,958 This is Mr. Ford's town. 11 00:01:20,643 --> 00:01:23,374 This is Mr. Ford's townhouse. 12 00:02:10,194 --> 00:02:13,186 This is the terrace of Mr. Ford's townhouse. 13 00:02:24,574 --> 00:02:25,667 Look at us! 14 00:02:26,143 --> 00:02:30,079 The last stronghold of gracious living in a world gone mad. 15 00:02:42,326 --> 00:02:47,286 By the way, my name is Charles, Mr. Ford's man. 16 00:02:48,498 --> 00:02:52,833 I flatter myself that I'm also his confidant and friend. 17 00:02:59,610 --> 00:03:01,669 Like everybody else in New York... 18 00:03:01,745 --> 00:03:06,045 Mr. Ford has a tiny bit of construction going on next door. 19 00:03:11,855 --> 00:03:14,153 Actually, it's not so bad, really. 20 00:03:14,224 --> 00:03:17,990 We've almost come to like the little cries of the workmen... 21 00:03:18,062 --> 00:03:22,863 and the gloppitta-gloppitta noises which emanate from the machine. 22 00:03:23,968 --> 00:03:25,400 Over there. 23 00:03:35,813 --> 00:03:39,010 In any case, the interior of the house... 24 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:42,109 is soundproof, and so life goes on. 25 00:03:52,696 --> 00:03:55,289 This is Mr. Ford's living room. 26 00:03:56,900 --> 00:04:00,734 Notice, if you will, the complete absence of the so-called "woman's touch." 27 00:04:00,804 --> 00:04:04,137 No gay little chintzes, no big gunky lamps. 28 00:04:04,208 --> 00:04:08,577 In fact, everything is masculine and perfect. 29 00:04:08,812 --> 00:04:11,405 In fact, the sort of place you could've had. 30 00:04:12,983 --> 00:04:17,113 If only you'd had the sense not to get married. 31 00:04:18,922 --> 00:04:23,449 But you say, "Poor, lonely man, how does he spend his evenings?" 32 00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:32,900 I should imagine the young lady... 33 00:04:32,970 --> 00:04:36,167 having danced all night... 34 00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:40,107 literally left here walking on air. 35 00:04:44,548 --> 00:04:48,814 And this is the nerve center of the entire establishment. 36 00:04:49,318 --> 00:04:50,946 My quarters. 37 00:04:52,288 --> 00:04:55,416 If you were fortunate enough to have a room such as this... 38 00:04:55,492 --> 00:04:58,120 your wife would undoubtedly have taken it over... 39 00:04:58,194 --> 00:05:02,825 to house her aged and disagreeable mother. 40 00:05:14,445 --> 00:05:17,141 This is Mr. Ford's martini glass. 41 00:05:18,515 --> 00:05:22,280 It should be properly chilled by 7:00 p.m. this evening. 42 00:06:21,912 --> 00:06:24,642 This is Mr. Ford's shower. 43 00:06:24,748 --> 00:06:29,549 Thermostatically controlled at Mr. Ford's body temperature. 44 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,712 98.7. 45 00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:41,626 Now, it is time to reveal Mr. Ford himself. 46 00:06:41,965 --> 00:06:42,954 Olé. 47 00:06:53,010 --> 00:06:54,203 Mr. Ford. 48 00:06:57,414 --> 00:07:00,440 It's 10:30 a.m. The sun is shining. 49 00:07:01,418 --> 00:07:05,616 Please, never try to speak until you've had your shower. 50 00:07:05,689 --> 00:07:07,589 Upsy-daisy. 51 00:07:15,298 --> 00:07:16,994 Very good. 52 00:07:17,066 --> 00:07:20,229 160, right on the button. I don't know how you do it! 53 00:07:20,304 --> 00:07:24,502 I do know how you do it. Your calories are counted very carefully. 54 00:07:24,575 --> 00:07:26,042 Do you realize, sir... 55 00:07:26,108 --> 00:07:29,840 it's six months since an ounce of butter's been used in this house? 56 00:07:34,985 --> 00:07:39,182 - Charles, do you know what day this is? - I do, sir. indeed I do. 57 00:07:39,523 --> 00:07:43,151 At exactly 12:22, the Fabergé Diamond will be ours! 58 00:07:43,259 --> 00:07:46,559 It's been an exciting adventure, but I'll be glad when it's over... 59 00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:49,189 so we can move on to the next caper. 60 00:12:12,795 --> 00:12:14,024 Wait a minute. 61 00:12:16,399 --> 00:12:17,627 Hold it! 62 00:12:32,781 --> 00:12:33,805 Go! 63 00:13:23,233 --> 00:13:24,564 Come in, Charles. 64 00:13:26,902 --> 00:13:28,495 Pardon me, sir. 65 00:13:29,738 --> 00:13:32,970 Mr. Lampson did indeed telephone. 66 00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:35,702 The Port Authority is livid. 67 00:13:35,778 --> 00:13:40,478 The freighter people are furious and Mr. Lampson himself is terribly upset. 68 00:13:40,550 --> 00:13:43,110 Of course he is. He's a lawyer. He's paid to be upset. 69 00:13:43,186 --> 00:13:46,246 At any rate, voilà! In one dazzling burst of brilliance... 70 00:13:46,323 --> 00:13:50,487 Bash Brannigan has successfully concluded The Case of the Fabergé Navel. 71 00:13:54,431 --> 00:13:57,161 Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant! 72 00:13:59,269 --> 00:14:01,862 I especially care for the "splunk." 73 00:14:03,039 --> 00:14:07,100 - What is to be our next caper, sir? - I've got it practically all worked out. 74 00:14:07,177 --> 00:14:09,701 It's the story of a man who gets murdered... 75 00:14:10,013 --> 00:14:13,540 while staring at the top of the Empire State Building. 76 00:14:14,783 --> 00:14:18,242 I think I'll call it The Skyscraper Gaper Caper. 77 00:14:18,321 --> 00:14:20,686 Sounds really exciting, sir. 78 00:14:21,757 --> 00:14:24,386 But you'll have to shoot most of it from a helicopter. 79 00:14:24,461 --> 00:14:28,454 And it will involve closing off 5th Avenue from 34th to 59th street. 80 00:14:28,831 --> 00:14:30,993 Wouldn't it be great if we could find a way... 81 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,934 to blow up one of those glass office buildings? 82 00:14:34,337 --> 00:14:36,770 Tinkle, tinkle. 83 00:14:38,308 --> 00:14:40,367 What's the matter? You don't like it? 84 00:14:40,443 --> 00:14:41,910 I love it, sir! 85 00:14:41,978 --> 00:14:43,774 But I was thinking of Mr. Lampson. 86 00:14:45,714 --> 00:14:47,807 Poor Mr. Lampson. 87 00:14:49,152 --> 00:14:51,552 Stanley! Can't you stop for just a minute? 88 00:14:51,620 --> 00:14:54,522 I'm speaking to you now, not as a lawyer but as a friend. 89 00:14:54,591 --> 00:14:58,049 Stan, you're a grown man, and grown men simply can't... 90 00:14:58,128 --> 00:15:03,327 repeat, can't go spreading terror in New York at the height of noon accompanied... 91 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,800 - Will you stop just a minute? - ...by naked women! 92 00:15:07,203 --> 00:15:10,195 She wasn't naked! She had a diamond in her navel. 93 00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:14,032 All right, and those demented butlers and criminals with knives. 94 00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:18,808 You cannot continue comporting yourself in the manner of an escaped lunatic! 95 00:15:18,882 --> 00:15:22,409 Bash Brannigan, Secret Agent is syndicated in 463 newspapers. 96 00:15:22,485 --> 00:15:24,748 - You know why? - Sure, I know. 97 00:15:24,821 --> 00:15:27,653 Because of hardcore pornography... 98 00:15:27,723 --> 00:15:32,660 softened slightly, ever so slightly, by excessive violence and sadism! 99 00:15:32,929 --> 00:15:37,229 Bash Brannigan is enjoyed by millions because my readers know it's authentic. 100 00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:40,965 I never asked Bash to do anything I hadn't already done myself. 101 00:15:46,709 --> 00:15:48,405 Stan. 102 00:15:49,079 --> 00:15:53,277 I wanna remind you, lad, that you are now 37 years old. 103 00:15:53,349 --> 00:15:56,785 And, quite frankly, it's time that you settle down. 104 00:15:56,853 --> 00:16:00,289 Edna and I were discussing you last night, and Edna feels... 105 00:16:00,356 --> 00:16:03,722 frankly, I agree with her, that there's something almost immoral... 106 00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:06,659 about a man of your age who isn't married. 107 00:16:07,130 --> 00:16:10,998 Doesn't go to an office, sits around drawing an infantile comic strip... 108 00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:13,660 that appeals only to morons. 109 00:16:14,838 --> 00:16:16,600 Stanley, are you listening? 110 00:16:20,343 --> 00:16:22,674 I happen to mention to the kids... 111 00:16:22,745 --> 00:16:26,045 that I was gonna be meeting with you this afternoon. 112 00:16:26,483 --> 00:16:28,383 We kinda have... 113 00:16:28,818 --> 00:16:33,686 a little family argument that we want you to settle. The point is that... 114 00:16:34,224 --> 00:16:38,820 Hal and Tommy both think that the microfilm... 115 00:16:38,895 --> 00:16:41,864 is hidden in the diamond in the girl's navel. 116 00:16:43,665 --> 00:16:46,100 I told them that they were crazy. 117 00:16:46,269 --> 00:16:48,328 In fact, I went a little bit out on a limb. 118 00:16:48,404 --> 00:16:51,100 I told them that I was your lawyer and I knew damn well... 119 00:16:51,174 --> 00:16:55,167 that the microfilm wasn't hidden in the diamond in the girl's navel. 120 00:16:55,812 --> 00:16:59,407 By the way, they were really quite impressed. 121 00:17:01,050 --> 00:17:05,611 I must say, I made quite a little character there, being your lawyer. 122 00:17:05,755 --> 00:17:08,986 You know, knowing how the strip was coming out and all. 123 00:17:09,658 --> 00:17:12,719 For a moment there, they were actually... 124 00:17:15,431 --> 00:17:17,262 kinda proud of their old man. 125 00:17:23,439 --> 00:17:27,773 The girl doesn't have the microfilm in the diamond in her navel, does she? 126 00:17:32,916 --> 00:17:34,713 Honest to God. 127 00:17:34,784 --> 00:17:39,312 You ought to pull yourself together! You've lost all touch with reality! 128 00:17:39,389 --> 00:17:41,357 You know what you really should do... 129 00:17:41,424 --> 00:17:44,018 and we were discussing this the other night... 130 00:17:44,093 --> 00:17:47,528 what you should really do is settle down. 131 00:17:47,797 --> 00:17:50,925 Find some nice girl and get married! 132 00:17:53,336 --> 00:17:56,271 Then you'd know what it's all about. 133 00:18:03,612 --> 00:18:06,445 - Charles, you seem upset. - Not at all, sir. 134 00:18:07,817 --> 00:18:09,341 I'm sorry, sir. 135 00:18:09,752 --> 00:18:12,447 I seem to be overcome by a sense of foreboding. 136 00:18:12,521 --> 00:18:13,545 Foreboding? 137 00:18:13,622 --> 00:18:17,821 A feeling of... How can I put it? Impending disaster. 138 00:18:17,894 --> 00:18:20,418 - Disaster? What are you... I'll do that. - Thank you. 139 00:18:20,495 --> 00:18:22,588 I'm sure it's nothing. it's just... 140 00:18:22,665 --> 00:18:27,159 my natural reaction to the unhappy nature of the event you are attending. 141 00:18:27,237 --> 00:18:28,396 I see. 142 00:18:28,805 --> 00:18:30,204 To think of it. 143 00:18:30,373 --> 00:18:33,603 A bachelor dinner for poor Mr. Rawlins. 144 00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:37,442 - Is he really getting married tomorrow, sir? - I'm afraid so. 145 00:18:37,512 --> 00:18:40,277 Poor old Tobey. You know, I never thought they'd nail him. 146 00:18:40,582 --> 00:18:43,780 I feel guilty about it. I introduced them, didn't I? 147 00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:46,480 You mustn't blame yourself. He's a fully-grown man. 148 00:18:46,555 --> 00:18:47,544 That's true. 149 00:18:47,624 --> 00:18:51,720 - And Miss James is, after all, a lovely lady. - Yes, that's true. 150 00:18:51,794 --> 00:18:55,628 Sir, do you think she might need her gold shoes for the wedding journey? 151 00:18:55,832 --> 00:18:57,026 I think not. 152 00:19:00,670 --> 00:19:04,834 Would you be good enough to extend to Mr. Rawlins my heartiest congratulations? 153 00:19:04,908 --> 00:19:06,205 Of course. 154 00:19:06,276 --> 00:19:08,573 Don't wait up. You know how these things are. 155 00:19:08,645 --> 00:19:10,169 I do, sir. 156 00:19:10,545 --> 00:19:12,173 I do indeed. 157 00:19:28,765 --> 00:19:30,665 Good evening, Judge Blackstone. 158 00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:34,564 - I'm afraid this is a mournful occasion. - Not at all, my boy. 159 00:19:35,738 --> 00:19:38,798 Been married 38 years myself. 160 00:19:39,108 --> 00:19:42,134 I don't regret one day of it. 161 00:19:45,615 --> 00:19:49,244 The one day of it I don't regret was... 162 00:19:50,186 --> 00:19:52,848 August 2, 1936. 163 00:19:54,489 --> 00:19:58,323 She was off visiting her ailing mother at the time. 164 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,740 Gentlemen, your attention please. 165 00:20:18,614 --> 00:20:20,878 Miss Valerie James... 166 00:20:22,284 --> 00:20:26,244 - Wonderful girl, by the way. - Hear, hear! 167 00:20:26,321 --> 00:20:27,516 Thank you. 168 00:20:29,959 --> 00:20:32,086 Miss Valerie James... 169 00:20:32,161 --> 00:20:35,493 has decided not to marry me, after all! 170 00:20:35,898 --> 00:20:38,128 She gave me back the ring! 171 00:21:48,137 --> 00:21:49,627 Your Honor... 172 00:21:58,714 --> 00:21:59,976 You better... 173 00:22:06,055 --> 00:22:08,888 You better sit down, Your Honor. You're absolutely smashed. 174 00:22:08,958 --> 00:22:11,323 Smashed? Nonsense, my boy. 175 00:22:11,828 --> 00:22:13,796 I'm as sober as a judge. 176 00:22:14,530 --> 00:22:17,225 Hence the origin of the phrase. 177 00:24:32,835 --> 00:24:35,234 No! Don't do it, sir! 178 00:26:08,531 --> 00:26:10,192 Good morning, Charles. 179 00:26:11,066 --> 00:26:12,557 Good morning, sir. 180 00:26:13,703 --> 00:26:15,067 Good morning. 181 00:26:18,341 --> 00:26:19,865 Lady in the bedroom. 182 00:26:22,645 --> 00:26:26,910 I don't know, frankly, how to... 183 00:26:26,981 --> 00:26:28,949 break this to you. 184 00:26:30,353 --> 00:26:31,843 I met her last night. 185 00:26:33,121 --> 00:26:34,918 She came out of a cake. 186 00:26:40,863 --> 00:26:42,490 I seem to be married to her. 187 00:27:04,953 --> 00:27:06,045 Charles! 188 00:27:19,301 --> 00:27:22,464 You're awake. Now, that's fine, good. 189 00:27:23,239 --> 00:27:27,335 Look, before anything else happens... 190 00:27:27,410 --> 00:27:29,435 we have to have a little talk. 191 00:27:30,746 --> 00:27:32,270 A serious talk. 192 00:27:32,381 --> 00:27:35,407 A very serious talk. 193 00:27:36,786 --> 00:27:41,746 First of all, I would like to apologize for last night. Obviously, a mistake has been made. 194 00:27:42,158 --> 00:27:44,990 On my part. it's nothing that can't be rectified. 195 00:27:45,059 --> 00:27:48,791 It certainly can be rectified, if we'll all just keep our heads. 196 00:27:51,133 --> 00:27:52,361 Let's... 197 00:27:53,269 --> 00:27:56,329 begin by very calmly discussing the facts. 198 00:27:56,772 --> 00:28:00,435 Last night, at old Tobey's bachelor dinner... 199 00:28:01,910 --> 00:28:04,471 you came out of a cake. That's quite natural. 200 00:28:04,547 --> 00:28:07,607 Young ladies frequently come out of cakes at bachelor dinners. 201 00:28:09,151 --> 00:28:10,175 So far, so good. 202 00:28:10,252 --> 00:28:13,653 You and I were attracted to each other. That's also perfectly natural. 203 00:28:13,722 --> 00:28:16,384 We happen to be two extremely attractive people. 204 00:28:17,693 --> 00:28:20,662 At any rate, I followed you back to your dressing room... 205 00:28:20,729 --> 00:28:24,858 and, on some insane impulse, I asked you to marry me. 206 00:28:26,602 --> 00:28:29,162 I was intoxicated, that's quite obvious. 207 00:28:29,438 --> 00:28:30,995 Apparently, you accepted... 208 00:28:31,373 --> 00:28:36,002 at which point, we went back to the dining room to announce our betrothal. 209 00:28:36,078 --> 00:28:39,479 Which was greeted with some enthusiasm by my friends. 210 00:28:40,649 --> 00:28:42,708 Right away, the mayor gets on the phone. 211 00:28:42,784 --> 00:28:46,118 He wakes up the license clerk, and waives the blood tests... 212 00:28:46,188 --> 00:28:48,281 Before I knew it, there's Judge Blackstone... 213 00:28:48,357 --> 00:28:51,690 two guys holdin' him up, "now pronouncing you man and wife." 214 00:28:53,828 --> 00:28:57,764 Anyway, that's where things stand, my dear, at the moment. 215 00:28:58,267 --> 00:29:02,033 As I say, it's nothing that can't be rectified, quite simply. 216 00:29:02,571 --> 00:29:07,099 You'll get a handsome settlement. I happen to be very well off. 217 00:29:07,343 --> 00:29:09,243 Six weeks in Las Vegas. 218 00:29:10,778 --> 00:29:12,474 All there is to it. 219 00:29:46,948 --> 00:29:48,882 By God, you're Italian! 220 00:29:51,987 --> 00:29:54,581 Vous ne parlez... You don't... 221 00:29:55,324 --> 00:29:57,723 No speak the English? 222 00:30:04,866 --> 00:30:05,855 Italian. 223 00:30:06,535 --> 00:30:07,694 Yes! 224 00:30:10,072 --> 00:30:13,269 Oh, my God. Excuse me, I'll be right back. 225 00:30:15,110 --> 00:30:17,635 You get dressed. 226 00:30:17,879 --> 00:30:21,281 Me go talk butler. 227 00:30:24,253 --> 00:30:25,515 Stanley. 228 00:30:35,130 --> 00:30:36,358 Charles! 229 00:30:44,206 --> 00:30:45,537 You can't do this! 230 00:30:45,608 --> 00:30:48,509 Sorry, sir, but I do not work for married couples. 231 00:30:48,577 --> 00:30:51,603 You knew that before you entered into this curious alliance. 232 00:30:51,679 --> 00:30:55,706 Oh, now, please. Would you look at me? 233 00:31:00,422 --> 00:31:03,289 Good God, sir. How did it happen? 234 00:31:03,359 --> 00:31:07,386 It wasn't my fault. I swear it wasn't! You've got to believe me! 235 00:31:07,463 --> 00:31:09,192 Of course I believe you, sir. 236 00:31:09,298 --> 00:31:10,595 Poor sir. 237 00:31:10,665 --> 00:31:12,156 Poor Charles. 238 00:31:12,368 --> 00:31:15,632 Good heavens, what is to become of us now? 239 00:31:15,703 --> 00:31:17,830 I don't know. 240 00:31:27,815 --> 00:31:30,478 If you can keep your head... 241 00:31:30,552 --> 00:31:34,420 when all around are losing theirs, and blaming it on you... 242 00:31:37,459 --> 00:31:41,088 As a matter of fact, you're right. We have nothing to worry about. 243 00:31:41,163 --> 00:31:43,722 I've explained the situation to the young lady. 244 00:31:43,798 --> 00:31:47,666 I told her I expect her to be on an airplane to Las Vegas this afternoon! 245 00:31:47,870 --> 00:31:52,102 That's absolutely marvelous, sir. What was the young lady's reaction? 246 00:31:54,510 --> 00:31:57,274 It's a little difficult to say. She doesn't seem to... 247 00:31:58,080 --> 00:31:59,740 speak English. 248 00:32:27,542 --> 00:32:29,443 Good God. 249 00:32:30,446 --> 00:32:32,743 Doesn't speak English? 250 00:32:35,384 --> 00:32:39,878 On the other hand, if one will go around marrying persons who pop out of cakes... 251 00:32:39,955 --> 00:32:44,618 it's bound to be rather catch-as-catch-can, isn't it, sir? 252 00:32:49,597 --> 00:32:52,829 Surely, you can realize how ridiculous this whole thing is. 253 00:32:52,901 --> 00:32:56,064 I'll call Harold Lampson, I'll run down to see him... 254 00:32:56,138 --> 00:32:58,697 and it'll all be straightened out in five minutes. 255 00:32:58,974 --> 00:33:03,172 I promise you, by 3:00 p.m., she'll be on a plane to Las Vegas. 256 00:33:03,245 --> 00:33:05,145 - Hi, Bash. - Hi. How are you? 257 00:33:06,014 --> 00:33:07,503 - Really, sir? - Really. 258 00:33:07,715 --> 00:33:10,684 Now, look. Why don't you just go back to your room? 259 00:33:10,753 --> 00:33:15,053 Your beautiful room, where you've been so happy with your books and music. 260 00:33:17,192 --> 00:33:20,558 Unpack, Charles. Nothing has changed, I promise you. 261 00:33:21,496 --> 00:33:24,193 Dinner at the usual time? 262 00:33:26,735 --> 00:33:29,203 - Dinner for one? - Please. 263 00:33:39,547 --> 00:33:41,708 There you are and you're all dressed. Good. 264 00:33:44,286 --> 00:33:48,313 You wait outside while I get dressed. 265 00:33:48,523 --> 00:33:52,255 You know, and then you, me, we go talking... 266 00:33:52,627 --> 00:33:55,722 lawyer, cinque minuti. 267 00:33:55,798 --> 00:33:56,992 All right? 268 00:34:12,613 --> 00:34:14,206 Harold. I'm in trouble. 269 00:34:14,983 --> 00:34:17,507 I don't think it's anything you can't handle. 270 00:34:17,585 --> 00:34:20,316 I'm in terrible trouble. 271 00:34:20,722 --> 00:34:22,747 Worse than that Harold, I'm... 272 00:34:26,762 --> 00:34:28,696 - I'm married. - Married? 273 00:34:28,997 --> 00:34:30,897 That's right, I'm married. 274 00:34:32,868 --> 00:34:33,994 Married? 275 00:34:40,508 --> 00:34:42,101 Okay. 276 00:34:42,177 --> 00:34:43,575 Okay. 277 00:34:43,644 --> 00:34:44,976 Not now. 278 00:34:45,314 --> 00:34:49,250 There's lots to do. Gotta go to the lawyer's office. Come on. 279 00:34:49,318 --> 00:34:52,445 Work out a separation agreement, get you a lawyer in Las Vegas... 280 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,251 hotel reservations or maybe a little apartment. 281 00:34:56,892 --> 00:35:01,453 Good morning, Mr. Ford! Congratulations! 282 00:35:01,897 --> 00:35:04,991 And buongiorno, Mrs. Ford. 283 00:35:05,067 --> 00:35:08,127 Mrs. Lampson will be here from the country club any minute. 284 00:35:08,203 --> 00:35:10,330 Mr. Lampson. They're here. 285 00:35:15,010 --> 00:35:19,947 I want to see the little lady that finally nailed old Stan. 286 00:35:20,682 --> 00:35:22,809 You don't mind if I kiss the bride, do you? 287 00:35:24,452 --> 00:35:26,648 Congratulations, Mrs. Ford. 288 00:35:30,259 --> 00:35:32,556 My God, you're right! She is Italian. 289 00:35:33,195 --> 00:35:35,129 You mean that she doesn't speak... 290 00:35:35,496 --> 00:35:38,660 A-N-Y E-N-G-I-I-S-H? 291 00:35:38,901 --> 00:35:40,960 Not one word! 292 00:35:41,136 --> 00:35:44,333 Not a word? You lucky devil! 293 00:35:46,574 --> 00:35:47,974 Harold, will you please! 294 00:35:48,043 --> 00:35:51,945 Now, we've got one million things to do. Get her an airplane ticket. 295 00:35:52,014 --> 00:35:55,882 - You've got to make out a new will. - Then get her a lawyer in Las Vegas. 296 00:35:55,951 --> 00:35:57,508 You've got to get your physical. 297 00:35:57,586 --> 00:35:59,553 - My what? - Your physical. 298 00:35:59,621 --> 00:36:03,580 I'm gonna have a doctor come here and check you out right here in the office. 299 00:36:03,659 --> 00:36:05,092 It'll only take a moment. 300 00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,253 What the hell are you talking about? 301 00:36:07,328 --> 00:36:10,821 I am talking to you about insurance. 302 00:36:10,899 --> 00:36:12,490 Insurance, Stan. 303 00:36:12,567 --> 00:36:15,297 That'll be enough, thank you. You may go now. 304 00:36:15,369 --> 00:36:18,806 You're a married man now, with responsibilities. 305 00:36:19,808 --> 00:36:23,538 - What if you were to get hit by a truck? - Not gonna get hit by a truck! 306 00:36:23,612 --> 00:36:24,977 The point is this. 307 00:36:26,114 --> 00:36:29,015 No matter what happens to you... 308 00:36:29,217 --> 00:36:32,846 you are going to want to know that Mrs. Ford... 309 00:36:33,321 --> 00:36:34,379 Mrs. Ford. 310 00:36:35,190 --> 00:36:37,181 I love the way that sounds. 311 00:36:37,525 --> 00:36:40,017 Is being cared for. 312 00:36:40,562 --> 00:36:43,462 All I want to know is that Mrs. Ford... 313 00:36:43,899 --> 00:36:46,423 is on an airplane to Las Vegas this afternoon! 314 00:36:46,500 --> 00:36:48,799 - That's all that I want to... - Stanley! Caro. 315 00:36:48,870 --> 00:36:51,532 No, please. Will you, please? 316 00:36:53,108 --> 00:36:55,668 An affectionate little thing you've got there, lad. 317 00:36:55,744 --> 00:36:58,770 Look at them! Aren't they adorable together? 318 00:36:58,847 --> 00:37:01,782 Never thought I'd live to see the day, but Edna... 319 00:37:01,850 --> 00:37:04,648 this is Stan's wife. 320 00:37:06,521 --> 00:37:07,749 Italian. 321 00:37:07,823 --> 00:37:11,520 Doesn't speak a W-O-R-D of English. 322 00:37:11,593 --> 00:37:14,756 This my wife... 323 00:37:14,830 --> 00:37:19,199 but she speak mucho good Italian. Go Berlitz. Take lessons. 324 00:37:19,266 --> 00:37:21,565 Learn Italian. $300 worth. 325 00:37:21,636 --> 00:37:23,432 $300 is many lira. 326 00:37:23,505 --> 00:37:26,302 Shut up, Harold. You sound like a feeble-minded Indian. 327 00:37:32,346 --> 00:37:36,282 It's very simple. I want an annulment. I do not like being married. 328 00:37:36,718 --> 00:37:40,484 How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it? 329 00:37:40,555 --> 00:37:42,045 I tried it. 330 00:37:42,124 --> 00:37:45,093 If you've tried it, then it's too late to get an annulment. 331 00:37:47,863 --> 00:37:51,229 Your wife has the cutest sense of humor. You know what she just said? 332 00:37:51,298 --> 00:37:54,632 She said she met you last night when she came out of a cake. 333 00:37:55,403 --> 00:37:56,894 That's right, she did! 334 00:37:56,972 --> 00:37:58,438 Sue her for divorce! 335 00:37:58,507 --> 00:37:59,496 How? 336 00:37:59,875 --> 00:38:01,137 Reason with her. 337 00:38:01,275 --> 00:38:04,803 - How? - You do sound like a feeble-minded Indian. 338 00:38:05,047 --> 00:38:07,811 Ask her what she was doing coming out of that cake. 339 00:38:17,425 --> 00:38:19,018 What did she say? 340 00:38:19,094 --> 00:38:20,253 What'd she say? 341 00:38:20,327 --> 00:38:24,560 She said that was the only job she could get... 342 00:38:24,633 --> 00:38:27,260 because all her clothes were stolen. 343 00:38:27,969 --> 00:38:29,459 - The good doctor. - Harold. 344 00:38:29,538 --> 00:38:33,303 You know Dr. Bentley here. He's here to give you your physical. 345 00:38:33,374 --> 00:38:35,138 One minute. Let me get this straight. 346 00:38:35,209 --> 00:38:38,702 Who stole her... Who stole your clothes? 347 00:38:39,213 --> 00:38:41,648 Miss Lapland. 348 00:38:41,716 --> 00:38:42,705 What'd she say? 349 00:38:42,784 --> 00:38:45,810 That her clothes were stolen by Miss Lapland, whoever that is. 350 00:38:45,887 --> 00:38:50,586 Stanley, if you'll just slip off your jacket, start walking up and down these steps. 351 00:38:50,659 --> 00:38:53,286 Forty times each way should be enough for a man your age. 352 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:54,692 What is your age, anyway? 353 00:38:54,763 --> 00:38:56,754 How old do you have to be to get a divorce? 354 00:38:56,832 --> 00:38:57,924 Walk down, Stanley... 355 00:38:57,999 --> 00:39:01,331 I'm not interested in his insurance. I'm getting a divorce! 356 00:39:01,403 --> 00:39:02,995 - Divorce? - Yes! 357 00:39:03,071 --> 00:39:06,438 Divorce? No. In Italia no divorce. 358 00:39:19,153 --> 00:39:23,146 Will you please cut it out? Come on. Ask her where did all this happen? 359 00:39:23,224 --> 00:39:24,749 Where? 360 00:39:30,932 --> 00:39:32,024 What did she say? 361 00:39:32,100 --> 00:39:34,591 "Miss Galaxy contest." I think that's what she said. 362 00:39:34,669 --> 00:39:36,034 Miss Galaxy contest? 363 00:40:13,608 --> 00:40:14,939 What did she say? 364 00:40:23,585 --> 00:40:27,681 She said, she would've won the contest except for one thing. 365 00:40:27,756 --> 00:40:29,417 That was the talent part. 366 00:40:29,491 --> 00:40:33,256 And her talent was cooking. She made a... 367 00:40:34,596 --> 00:40:36,461 Lasagna soufflé. 368 00:40:36,531 --> 00:40:40,900 Lasagna soufflé. My God, I've got to go back to Berlitz. 369 00:40:40,969 --> 00:40:44,530 When she bent down to take the soufflé out of the oven... 370 00:40:44,639 --> 00:40:47,972 all the men in the audience started jumping, you know. 371 00:40:49,311 --> 00:40:53,041 And yelling and screaming and... Down went the soufflé! 372 00:40:53,715 --> 00:40:55,512 Bravo! Bravissimo! 373 00:40:56,050 --> 00:40:58,349 I'll have to ask you a few questions now. 374 00:40:58,420 --> 00:41:00,945 I suppose you've had all the children's diseases? 375 00:41:01,356 --> 00:41:04,382 No, and I haven't been hit by a truck yet either. 376 00:41:05,327 --> 00:41:08,524 How about the measles, mumps, chickenpox, whooping cough? 377 00:41:08,597 --> 00:41:09,621 Yes. 378 00:41:09,698 --> 00:41:11,563 Roll up your left sleeve, please. 379 00:41:11,633 --> 00:41:14,226 Why can't you get me a divorce? You can't? 380 00:41:14,302 --> 00:41:16,532 Other clients get divorces from their lawyers! 381 00:41:16,605 --> 00:41:20,268 Other clients give their attorneys grounds to work on that get the divorce. 382 00:41:20,342 --> 00:41:22,036 Think about that a little bit, lad. 383 00:41:22,109 --> 00:41:24,943 Ever have dizziness, fainting spells, headaches, asthma? 384 00:41:25,012 --> 00:41:26,036 No. 385 00:41:26,314 --> 00:41:29,180 - What grounds? - Grounds like... 386 00:41:29,251 --> 00:41:33,620 adultery, mental cruelty, desertion, insanity. 387 00:41:33,688 --> 00:41:36,657 How would you evaluate your drinking habits? None at all? 388 00:41:36,725 --> 00:41:40,354 Occasional social cocktail? Heavily? To excess? 389 00:41:40,595 --> 00:41:41,926 Just once. 390 00:41:42,096 --> 00:41:44,395 Just one. You're gonna need one now, boy! 391 00:41:48,770 --> 00:41:53,069 Melancholia? Backaches? Liver, kidney or intestinal ailments? 392 00:41:53,541 --> 00:41:55,132 Crying spells? 393 00:41:59,714 --> 00:42:02,011 Poor creature. You know what she just told me? 394 00:42:02,082 --> 00:42:05,416 All she has left is what she's wearing, a bathing suit and a raincoat. 395 00:42:13,495 --> 00:42:16,464 I'm going to borrow your darling wife for the next few hours... 396 00:42:16,531 --> 00:42:20,900 and we're going to buy her everything from lingerie to a mink coat. 397 00:42:20,968 --> 00:42:23,529 I can't get a reading under these conditions! 398 00:42:40,154 --> 00:42:42,316 Isn't that darling? You know what she said? 399 00:42:42,390 --> 00:42:46,793 She said she has a coat and she doesn't wear underwear. 400 00:42:47,696 --> 00:42:50,494 Come with me, I'll take care of everything. 401 00:42:56,404 --> 00:42:58,634 You're a member of the club now. 402 00:42:59,574 --> 00:43:02,098 A full-fledged member! 403 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,221 - Yes? - Delivery. 404 00:43:26,434 --> 00:43:31,235 - Is this the Ford residence? - Yes. Who are you? What do you want? 405 00:43:31,306 --> 00:43:34,207 Mrs. Ford told me to put this stuff in the kitchen. 406 00:43:41,249 --> 00:43:43,444 - Yes? - Delivery. 407 00:43:48,857 --> 00:43:50,915 Pardon me. is this the Ford residence? 408 00:43:50,991 --> 00:43:53,016 Yes, but... 409 00:43:55,830 --> 00:43:59,425 Mrs. Ford suggested we place these things directly in her bedroom. 410 00:44:00,301 --> 00:44:02,599 There must be some mistake. 411 00:44:08,343 --> 00:44:09,367 Yes. 412 00:44:09,444 --> 00:44:10,433 Signora Ford. 413 00:45:57,418 --> 00:46:00,182 One at a time! What the hell is going on, Charles? 414 00:46:00,255 --> 00:46:04,021 I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid this new arrangement isn't going to work. 415 00:46:04,092 --> 00:46:06,026 Yes, well I... 416 00:46:06,661 --> 00:46:10,427 This woman is mad. Stark, raving mad. 417 00:46:10,797 --> 00:46:13,665 She is not only preparing a lasagna soufflé... 418 00:46:13,734 --> 00:46:15,566 - A what? - Lasagna soufflé. 419 00:46:15,637 --> 00:46:17,502 But look at the spaghetti sauce. 420 00:46:17,572 --> 00:46:20,904 Green onions browning in at least a pound of butter. 421 00:46:22,143 --> 00:46:24,008 Eggplant swimming in oil! 422 00:46:24,078 --> 00:46:26,046 Smells good, though, doesn't it? 423 00:46:29,083 --> 00:46:32,280 Sir, I am not given to issuing ultimata... 424 00:46:32,353 --> 00:46:34,843 but it's simple, you'll have to choose. 425 00:46:34,922 --> 00:46:36,822 Either she goes or I go! 426 00:46:36,890 --> 00:46:39,951 I've been trying to settle it, if you won't be so arbitrary. 427 00:46:40,261 --> 00:46:42,888 It's the kid's first day. She doesn't know the ropes yet. 428 00:46:42,964 --> 00:46:45,091 Say no more. I quite understand. 429 00:46:45,233 --> 00:46:47,292 In fact, I thought it might come to this. 430 00:46:47,368 --> 00:46:50,565 Therefore, I took the precaution of re-packing my bags. 431 00:46:50,638 --> 00:46:53,300 Wait just a minute. Will you stop this? 432 00:46:53,374 --> 00:46:55,864 Where do you think you're gonna go? What would you do? 433 00:46:55,944 --> 00:46:59,674 Actually, sir, Mr. Rawlins phoned this afternoon. 434 00:46:59,746 --> 00:47:01,339 What? Old Tobey? 435 00:47:01,416 --> 00:47:06,217 Yes, sir. As he has decided not to marry, and you have decided the reverse... 436 00:47:06,287 --> 00:47:10,223 it was his feeling that perhaps I might feel happier working for him. 437 00:47:10,291 --> 00:47:12,724 And I could not agree with him more, sir! 438 00:47:12,793 --> 00:47:14,056 Charles. 439 00:47:15,029 --> 00:47:17,895 - Charlie. That is a goodbye, no? - What? 440 00:47:17,966 --> 00:47:21,265 - Charles is a goodbye, no? - Is a goodbye, yes! if I don't... 441 00:47:32,614 --> 00:47:37,074 - Your mother is coming? - Yes! 442 00:47:37,151 --> 00:47:39,551 Oh, my God! 443 00:47:40,388 --> 00:47:45,291 No cocktail. Edna teach me say "no cocktail." 444 00:47:49,530 --> 00:47:50,689 Charles. 445 00:47:59,207 --> 00:48:01,402 I'll get rid of her, I promise you. 446 00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:08,878 You won't like working for Tobey. He drinks! 447 00:48:09,250 --> 00:48:11,377 Dames up there all the time. 448 00:48:12,487 --> 00:48:13,646 He's a lumpy. 449 00:48:13,720 --> 00:48:16,451 He leaves wet towels lying all around the bathroom! 450 00:48:17,291 --> 00:48:18,814 Arrivederci! 451 00:48:19,027 --> 00:48:20,460 Look! 452 00:48:48,222 --> 00:48:53,159 There's no sense getting hysterical and everything. Are you all right in there? 453 00:48:54,328 --> 00:48:55,420 Are you... 454 00:49:03,570 --> 00:49:05,561 Look, please. 455 00:49:06,240 --> 00:49:08,401 Hello! Will you please... 456 00:49:08,476 --> 00:49:11,172 if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a woman crying. 457 00:49:11,245 --> 00:49:13,110 I just go all... 458 00:49:17,885 --> 00:49:19,978 You want a Kleenex? 459 00:49:39,373 --> 00:49:40,737 Thank you. 460 00:49:43,510 --> 00:49:46,412 No, please. Look, I'm sorry. 461 00:49:48,015 --> 00:49:50,848 Please. Look. I'm sorry. 462 00:49:56,424 --> 00:49:57,515 Sorry. 463 00:50:40,268 --> 00:50:41,929 Darling! 464 00:50:52,079 --> 00:50:53,137 Lunch. 465 00:52:01,015 --> 00:52:03,482 Stanley. I again have forget. 466 00:52:03,550 --> 00:52:06,383 The ones with the white hats... 467 00:52:06,453 --> 00:52:09,014 are they the good guys or the bad guys? 468 00:52:10,157 --> 00:52:15,117 White hats, good guys. Black hats, bad guys. Okay? 469 00:52:15,963 --> 00:52:18,227 Okay. Thank you very much. 470 00:52:28,943 --> 00:52:32,902 What's the matter with you, boy? You look just awful. 471 00:52:32,980 --> 00:52:35,244 I'm exhausted, that's what's the matter. 472 00:52:35,382 --> 00:52:37,715 I haven't had two hours sleep in three weeks. 473 00:52:37,785 --> 00:52:38,911 Newlyweds. 474 00:52:41,055 --> 00:52:43,319 It isn't that at all. 475 00:52:43,523 --> 00:52:45,151 Not entirely that. 476 00:52:45,593 --> 00:52:48,322 The damned TV. She's got it going all night long. 477 00:52:48,495 --> 00:52:49,553 I'll bet! 478 00:52:51,165 --> 00:52:52,564 She does. 479 00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:54,768 Claims it helps her with her English. 480 00:52:57,537 --> 00:52:58,869 Oh, brother! 481 00:53:21,128 --> 00:53:22,595 Damn! 482 00:53:29,937 --> 00:53:33,600 I'm a delicate and highly complex mechanism... 483 00:53:33,674 --> 00:53:35,972 and I'm being over wound. 484 00:53:36,376 --> 00:53:37,776 Over wound! 485 00:53:41,582 --> 00:53:42,810 Poor darling! 486 00:53:42,883 --> 00:53:46,649 Work, pressure. The tension mounts. 487 00:53:46,754 --> 00:53:49,621 Before you know it, headache strikes. 488 00:53:49,824 --> 00:53:50,813 What? 489 00:53:50,891 --> 00:53:54,190 They talk always about this on TV. 490 00:54:01,135 --> 00:54:04,467 Darling, I have a three-way formula. 491 00:54:04,538 --> 00:54:06,233 - What? - How they say? 492 00:54:06,339 --> 00:54:08,535 "Fast, fast, fast..." 493 00:54:09,442 --> 00:54:10,842 "...relief." 494 00:54:37,538 --> 00:54:41,099 - Good morning, Signora Ford. Ciao. - Ciao. 495 00:54:41,642 --> 00:54:43,007 Good morning. 496 00:54:43,077 --> 00:54:45,511 - Hi, Mrs. Ford. - Ciao! 497 00:56:36,357 --> 00:56:37,824 Anybody home? 498 00:56:38,459 --> 00:56:39,619 Stanley. 499 00:56:39,827 --> 00:56:42,226 The breakfast is almost ready. 500 00:56:48,301 --> 00:56:49,997 My darling, good morning. 501 00:56:50,070 --> 00:56:53,163 Look. Please, all I want is some dry toast and black coffee. 502 00:56:53,239 --> 00:56:57,336 I weigh 182 pounds and my clothes don't fit anymore and... 503 00:56:57,945 --> 00:56:59,241 is very good. 504 00:56:59,947 --> 00:57:01,174 Is good? 505 00:57:03,216 --> 00:57:07,847 Stanley, look, the light bulb is a goed out in the pantry. 506 00:57:07,922 --> 00:57:10,390 I'll get an electrician to fix. 507 00:57:10,457 --> 00:57:14,723 No. I have light bulbs here. Just a moment. 508 00:57:14,795 --> 00:57:17,593 - Why can't we get an electrician? - No. 509 00:57:17,665 --> 00:57:20,532 Look, they got a very strong union. I don't want to... 510 00:57:20,601 --> 00:57:23,468 The other husbands change the light bulbs every day. 511 00:57:23,537 --> 00:57:26,631 Is very good for you. is work with your hands. 512 00:57:26,707 --> 00:57:28,105 It make you relax. 513 00:57:30,176 --> 00:57:32,167 Okay, all right. 514 00:57:34,515 --> 00:57:36,574 You can get a shock from electricity... 515 00:57:36,650 --> 00:57:39,083 if you don't know what you're doing. I don't. 516 00:57:40,354 --> 00:57:43,151 When I was 22, I thought you had to cover all the outlets... 517 00:57:43,223 --> 00:57:45,658 in the room, or the electricity would leak out. 518 00:57:45,993 --> 00:57:47,654 Cover up all the... 519 00:57:48,061 --> 00:57:51,030 I'll do it. I know what'll happen. I'll screw it in... 520 00:57:52,733 --> 00:57:54,291 Mamma mia! 521 00:58:04,712 --> 00:58:06,201 Poor darling. 522 00:58:26,367 --> 00:58:30,097 - It's funny. it's very funny! - Very funny. 523 00:58:31,037 --> 00:58:32,665 I have a good idea. 524 00:58:32,940 --> 00:58:36,170 The Brannigans have the first guests for dinner. 525 00:58:36,277 --> 00:58:39,109 Everything goes wrong. it's funny, no? 526 00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:43,012 I invite Edna and Harold. I go call them. 527 00:58:48,455 --> 00:58:50,115 In a little while. 528 00:59:04,704 --> 00:59:06,535 Well? Open it! 529 00:59:09,209 --> 00:59:10,642 - Hi, everybody! - Hi! 530 00:59:10,710 --> 00:59:12,701 Hello, Stan. Hello, Mrs. Ford. 531 00:59:12,779 --> 00:59:16,215 I'm sorry we're late, but it's all Harold's fault, really. 532 00:59:16,282 --> 00:59:19,079 He's dressed an hour before we're supposed to leave. 533 00:59:19,151 --> 00:59:22,052 Then he paces in front of my room looking at his watch. 534 00:59:22,121 --> 00:59:24,750 Makes me so nervous, it's a wonder I'm dressed at all. 535 00:59:27,327 --> 00:59:29,318 You're looking mighty good in there, lad. 536 00:59:29,395 --> 00:59:32,421 Don't you love those pajamas? I picked them out for her myself. 537 00:59:32,499 --> 00:59:35,434 Green. Putting on a little weight, too. 538 00:59:37,437 --> 00:59:39,996 Must be the home cooking. 539 00:59:42,308 --> 00:59:46,267 It is necessary you speak English... 540 00:59:47,247 --> 00:59:48,407 with me... 541 00:59:49,182 --> 00:59:51,207 because... 542 00:59:51,618 --> 00:59:52,880 no learn! 543 00:59:53,153 --> 00:59:56,520 - You're right. You're absolutely right. - Thank you. 544 00:59:56,589 --> 00:59:59,786 You've married yourself a treasure, you lucky man. 545 01:00:00,527 --> 01:00:03,428 Look at transformation! 546 01:00:03,796 --> 01:00:05,661 - Is beautiful? - I love it. 547 01:00:05,732 --> 01:00:07,529 I love it. 548 01:00:09,235 --> 01:00:12,965 I checked with Tiffany's and your real present will be ready next week. 549 01:00:13,038 --> 01:00:16,236 This is nothing I bought at Lord and Taylor's, but it's so cute. 550 01:00:16,309 --> 01:00:19,403 - We got one for our bar at home, too. - Thank you. 551 01:00:19,712 --> 01:00:23,478 Stanley, I love the place now, I really do. 552 01:00:24,082 --> 01:00:26,983 It used to be attractive, in a way. 553 01:00:27,287 --> 01:00:30,723 Well, I always thought it was rather cold and austere. 554 01:00:30,790 --> 01:00:33,452 Now, it's just marvelous, that's all. 555 01:00:34,627 --> 01:00:39,496 "Danger. Men drinking." it's very droll. 556 01:00:40,400 --> 01:00:42,595 I know just where it should go, too! 557 01:00:42,735 --> 01:00:47,172 "Danger. Men drinking." it's cute, Stan. 558 01:00:48,741 --> 01:00:52,073 It's pretty cute. Reminds me of a fellow at the office. 559 01:00:52,145 --> 01:00:54,375 He has one of them up there that reads: 560 01:00:54,846 --> 01:00:56,781 - "Think or..." - "Or swim." 561 01:00:57,417 --> 01:00:58,543 How'd you know? 562 01:00:58,618 --> 01:01:01,553 I'm getting to be an expert on prefabricated American humor. 563 01:01:06,793 --> 01:01:08,090 Live dangerously. 564 01:01:12,098 --> 01:01:14,430 Yeah, that's the way it goes. 565 01:01:16,803 --> 01:01:19,567 It's wonderful to see Stanley so happy. 566 01:01:20,240 --> 01:01:23,936 I can't tell you how grateful I am that somebody finally nailed him. 567 01:01:24,009 --> 01:01:25,671 Nailed. 568 01:01:30,717 --> 01:01:33,584 When one of them is running around loose, nobody's safe. 569 01:01:33,686 --> 01:01:35,745 Even old Harold used to come home... 570 01:01:35,821 --> 01:01:39,519 have three drinks and start talking about his freedom. 571 01:01:39,626 --> 01:01:40,990 "Freedom." 572 01:01:43,630 --> 01:01:46,292 They're like children, you know? 573 01:01:49,835 --> 01:01:51,565 But I think... 574 01:01:52,572 --> 01:01:54,004 they are... 575 01:01:54,073 --> 01:01:56,735 very sweet. 576 01:01:56,808 --> 01:02:00,142 - Sweet? - I like very much. 577 01:02:00,246 --> 01:02:03,976 Of course they are, but you see with us it's different. 578 01:02:04,050 --> 01:02:07,780 A woman is never really free until she is married. 579 01:02:07,853 --> 01:02:11,517 Now she's free to enjoy the good things in life, she can spend money. 580 01:02:11,624 --> 01:02:13,182 You know, money. 581 01:02:13,259 --> 01:02:16,660 Have little affairs and still be taken care of. 582 01:02:17,563 --> 01:02:20,999 That's why men have to be controlled. 583 01:02:23,269 --> 01:02:24,531 Right, right! 584 01:02:24,604 --> 01:02:27,664 For the good of the home, the casa. Understand? 585 01:02:27,839 --> 01:02:32,174 Actually, it's just a matter of keeping them off balance, you know? 586 01:02:33,146 --> 01:02:35,376 Look, I'll show you something. 587 01:02:35,682 --> 01:02:37,411 The door is closed? 588 01:02:38,318 --> 01:02:42,277 They can't hear us, and we can't hear them, right? 589 01:02:42,821 --> 01:02:44,221 Okay, watch. 590 01:02:45,158 --> 01:02:46,352 Harold! 591 01:02:50,163 --> 01:02:52,529 That's right. Yes, dear? 592 01:02:52,598 --> 01:02:54,065 I heard that! 593 01:02:54,766 --> 01:02:56,359 Heard what, dear? 594 01:02:56,436 --> 01:02:58,165 You know very well what! 595 01:02:58,237 --> 01:03:00,967 No, I don't, but if you wanted... 596 01:03:02,408 --> 01:03:05,571 Look, let's not discuss it in front of strangers. 597 01:03:06,045 --> 01:03:07,841 But you were... 598 01:03:07,913 --> 01:03:10,508 We'll talk about it when we get home. 599 01:03:18,358 --> 01:03:21,884 You see? They're always guilty as hell about something. 600 01:03:23,363 --> 01:03:24,455 Good! 601 01:03:25,932 --> 01:03:27,263 Very good! 602 01:03:28,000 --> 01:03:31,492 So he says, "Sam, you can't..." 603 01:03:32,138 --> 01:03:35,198 "...but I, Sam, I can do it." 604 01:03:35,707 --> 01:03:38,176 "Sam, you got, you know..." 605 01:03:38,511 --> 01:03:40,138 That's the funny part of it. 606 01:03:40,213 --> 01:03:41,441 Stanley! 607 01:03:42,281 --> 01:03:43,713 Bring the soup, please. 608 01:03:43,782 --> 01:03:45,944 But you must have help because... 609 01:03:46,018 --> 01:03:49,920 I know a marvelous woman. She's Dutch and expensive! 610 01:03:50,022 --> 01:03:51,818 - Good. - She's expensive but... 611 01:03:54,327 --> 01:03:56,817 You had another drink when we were in the kitchen. 612 01:03:56,895 --> 01:03:59,524 I can tell by that funny look in your eye. 613 01:03:59,599 --> 01:04:03,399 What's the point of her cooking all day if you're too drunk to enjoy it? 614 01:04:03,469 --> 01:04:04,867 She's right. 615 01:04:05,670 --> 01:04:07,070 Harold, this is your place. 616 01:04:07,173 --> 01:04:08,538 Over there? 617 01:04:19,452 --> 01:04:22,114 He... He... He... 618 01:05:05,697 --> 01:05:09,327 Hey, Bash! Very funny! What a boob! 619 01:05:09,836 --> 01:05:11,463 My wife loved it! 620 01:06:19,671 --> 01:06:23,836 Hi, this is Mr. Ford. Would you put Harold, Mr. Lampson, on the phone, please? 621 01:06:23,910 --> 01:06:25,002 What? 622 01:06:26,846 --> 01:06:28,040 You do? 623 01:06:28,881 --> 01:06:30,643 You think it's cute? 624 01:06:31,716 --> 01:06:33,241 And it's so typical? 625 01:06:34,320 --> 01:06:37,756 You just loved it when I, when he, spilled the... 626 01:06:38,190 --> 01:06:39,851 Look, could I remind you of something? 627 01:06:39,926 --> 01:06:42,292 You're a secretary, and a very inefficient one! 628 01:06:42,361 --> 01:06:43,622 Not only that, you're a woman! 629 01:06:43,695 --> 01:06:46,096 As such, your opinions mean nothing to me! 630 01:06:46,165 --> 01:06:48,564 Now put Mr. Lampson on the phone! 631 01:06:52,171 --> 01:06:53,832 Harold, it's Stan. 632 01:06:54,106 --> 01:06:56,131 There's gonna be some changes around here. 633 01:06:56,208 --> 01:06:58,073 I want a full-scale meeting this morning. 634 01:06:58,144 --> 01:07:01,635 You, me, the guys from the syndicate, the accountants and everybody. 635 01:07:01,714 --> 01:07:02,874 11:00! 636 01:07:03,449 --> 01:07:06,077 What? No, not here. I hate here! 637 01:07:06,152 --> 01:07:08,517 I hate your office! At the club! 638 01:07:08,587 --> 01:07:10,612 You hear me? At the club! 639 01:07:12,825 --> 01:07:13,917 Club! 640 01:07:25,137 --> 01:07:27,071 - Hello? - Hi, dear. 641 01:07:27,273 --> 01:07:30,299 Listen, I'm sorry to wake you, but I think this is an emergency. 642 01:07:30,376 --> 01:07:31,467 What? 643 01:07:31,744 --> 01:07:35,145 I just called Harold's office, and they told me he's in a meeting... 644 01:07:35,214 --> 01:07:37,148 with Stanley at the club. 645 01:07:37,216 --> 01:07:40,811 I still not see. What is wrong with the club? 646 01:07:41,153 --> 01:07:43,986 You can't keep track of them when they're in the club. 647 01:07:44,056 --> 01:07:47,355 That's what's wrong with it. You can't even be sure they're there! 648 01:07:47,425 --> 01:07:51,521 Of course he is there. I will call him on the telephone. 649 01:07:51,596 --> 01:07:55,430 Oh, sure, go ahead. Call him, I'll tell you what you'll get. 650 01:07:55,500 --> 01:07:58,265 You'll get, "I'm very sorry..." 651 01:07:58,337 --> 01:08:01,499 "...but Mr. Ford cannot be reached at the moment." 652 01:08:01,606 --> 01:08:03,574 "He's in the gymnasium." 653 01:08:03,976 --> 01:08:05,307 Gymnasium. 654 01:08:05,410 --> 01:08:09,074 He's probably off handholding with some movie starlet. 655 01:08:09,348 --> 01:08:11,440 I think maybe I call him. 656 01:08:12,118 --> 01:08:14,551 I think maybe I call him right now. 657 01:08:14,754 --> 01:08:15,982 Good luck. 658 01:08:16,055 --> 01:08:17,181 Thank you. 659 01:08:17,256 --> 01:08:18,517 Goodbye. 660 01:08:34,572 --> 01:08:35,561 Hello? 661 01:08:35,641 --> 01:08:37,505 Mr. Stanley Ford, please. 662 01:08:37,575 --> 01:08:40,670 I'm sorry, I can't reach Mr. Ford just at the moment. 663 01:08:40,746 --> 01:08:42,077 He's in the gymnasium. 664 01:08:43,649 --> 01:08:45,411 Thank you very much. 665 01:08:47,385 --> 01:08:48,944 I'll admit it, Stan. 666 01:08:49,021 --> 01:08:51,922 At first, down at the shop, we all thought you were crazy. 667 01:08:51,991 --> 01:08:54,653 Marry Bash Brannigan off? It just didn't seem right. 668 01:08:54,727 --> 01:08:58,492 - It wasn't. That's the whole idea. - But, Stan-boy, I was wrong! 669 01:08:58,563 --> 01:08:59,622 We were all wrong. 670 01:08:59,699 --> 01:09:02,293 Sure, America has taken the Brannigans to its heart. 671 01:09:02,367 --> 01:09:04,700 For the first time, women are reading the strip. 672 01:09:04,770 --> 01:09:06,464 Why, my wife just loves it now. 673 01:09:06,538 --> 01:09:08,700 This morning, when he spilled the soup? 674 01:09:08,774 --> 01:09:10,105 She says it reminds her of me. 675 01:09:10,176 --> 01:09:13,406 Anyway, Stan-boy, the thing is, we were all wrong. 676 01:09:13,478 --> 01:09:17,505 No, you weren't all wrong. It was a mistake, a tragic mistake. 677 01:09:17,650 --> 01:09:21,449 - That's why I called the meeting. - I still don't understand. 678 01:09:21,519 --> 01:09:24,853 Why did we have to have the meeting here? 679 01:09:24,924 --> 01:09:28,724 Edna must've called me at least 15 times at the office by now. 680 01:09:28,794 --> 01:09:31,285 You see, Edna doesn't like it when I'm someplace... 681 01:09:31,362 --> 01:09:33,957 where she can't reach me by phone. 682 01:09:34,700 --> 01:09:38,261 That's the beautiful part about the club. They can't reach us here. 683 01:09:38,336 --> 01:09:40,361 It's the one place left that's safe. 684 01:09:43,275 --> 01:09:44,606 Thank you. 685 01:09:46,411 --> 01:09:47,902 Just a moment. 686 01:09:47,980 --> 01:09:51,143 I'm sorry, but no ladies allowed inside the club. 687 01:09:52,017 --> 01:09:53,609 Well, thank you. 688 01:10:01,459 --> 01:10:04,451 I'm sorry, I can't reach Mr. Edwards just now. 689 01:10:04,597 --> 01:10:06,461 He's in the gymnasium. 690 01:10:10,669 --> 01:10:13,398 And, Stan, the big thing to remember now is... 691 01:10:13,471 --> 01:10:15,565 the Brannigans are a natural for TV. 692 01:10:15,641 --> 01:10:19,543 Sure, all we need is some beautiful, intelligent girl to play the wife. 693 01:10:19,612 --> 01:10:22,240 And some drooling, feeble-minded idiot to play Bash. 694 01:10:22,313 --> 01:10:24,839 You've got yourself a built-in audience of 80 million. 695 01:10:24,917 --> 01:10:28,182 And not only that, but merchandise. 696 01:10:28,254 --> 01:10:32,850 I think they've come up with some sensational tie-ins. 697 01:10:32,992 --> 01:10:34,016 Get this. 698 01:10:34,093 --> 01:10:36,653 Official Bash Brannigan... 699 01:10:36,729 --> 01:10:40,130 his-and-hers matching cooking aprons. 700 01:10:41,100 --> 01:10:45,127 "The family that sautés together, stays together." 701 01:10:45,738 --> 01:10:47,763 I think that's the slogan. 702 01:10:51,376 --> 01:10:52,844 Good morning. 703 01:10:58,851 --> 01:11:00,317 Good morning. 704 01:11:00,619 --> 01:11:01,984 Stay, stay! 705 01:11:11,864 --> 01:11:13,661 It's all right. 706 01:11:29,715 --> 01:11:30,943 Darling! 707 01:11:31,349 --> 01:11:34,216 All that, day and night, Stan. 708 01:11:36,522 --> 01:11:38,149 Stanley, darling! 709 01:11:38,958 --> 01:11:41,859 Forgive me for doubting you even one moment. 710 01:11:42,595 --> 01:11:43,857 Mr. Ford! 711 01:11:45,497 --> 01:11:49,456 In the 123 proud years of this club's existence... 712 01:11:49,768 --> 01:11:51,257 not once... 713 01:11:52,104 --> 01:11:55,938 has a female of any description set foot on these premises. 714 01:11:56,442 --> 01:12:00,241 We're an understanding bunch here at the club, Mr. Ford. 715 01:12:00,779 --> 01:12:03,269 A fellow has one too many at the bar... 716 01:12:03,348 --> 01:12:06,648 we see to it that he gets to his train all right. 717 01:12:06,852 --> 01:12:10,481 A fellow has a little hokey-pokey going in the afternoon... 718 01:12:10,623 --> 01:12:12,249 his wife calls... 719 01:12:12,323 --> 01:12:13,951 we say he's in the gym. 720 01:12:14,026 --> 01:12:16,688 But this, Mr. Ford, is too much! 721 01:12:17,663 --> 01:12:19,824 As Chairman of the Rules Committee... 722 01:12:20,365 --> 01:12:24,700 I suggest you spare yourself the embarrassment of an open hearing... 723 01:12:25,104 --> 01:12:28,368 and submit your resignation at once. 724 01:12:34,546 --> 01:12:37,379 Darling, I do something bad? 725 01:12:56,134 --> 01:13:00,230 I may take this lying down, like the drooling, feeble-minded idiot that I am. 726 01:13:00,706 --> 01:13:04,472 But Bash Brannigan will not! I promise you that! 727 01:13:10,849 --> 01:13:14,215 Charles, she's in love, so she's never going to agree to a divorce. 728 01:13:14,285 --> 01:13:16,777 So we're left with only one choice. 729 01:13:18,089 --> 01:13:19,283 Murder! 730 01:13:21,026 --> 01:13:22,219 Murder? 731 01:13:22,561 --> 01:13:23,755 Murder. 732 01:13:24,797 --> 01:13:27,321 I say, good show, sir. 733 01:13:28,000 --> 01:13:29,968 Absolutely bang on! 734 01:13:30,035 --> 01:13:32,367 Exactly six weeks from today... 735 01:13:34,340 --> 01:13:36,239 Mrs. Brannigan is gone. 736 01:13:37,308 --> 01:13:40,106 Bash can get back to being a secret agent. 737 01:13:41,847 --> 01:13:43,508 What's the matter? 738 01:13:44,215 --> 01:13:45,547 Let me understand, sir. 739 01:13:45,617 --> 01:13:49,678 It is Mrs. Brannigan you're going to murder in the comic strip? 740 01:13:49,755 --> 01:13:51,085 Yes. Why? 741 01:13:51,824 --> 01:13:52,984 I see. 742 01:13:53,091 --> 01:13:54,149 What is it? 743 01:13:54,225 --> 01:13:55,693 Nothing, sir. 744 01:13:56,762 --> 01:13:58,855 Only, just for one moment... 745 01:13:58,998 --> 01:14:01,990 one mad, glorious moment... 746 01:14:02,534 --> 01:14:04,160 I thought... 747 01:14:04,670 --> 01:14:08,936 However, if Bash Brannigan... 748 01:14:09,441 --> 01:14:12,501 can murder his wife and get away with it... 749 01:14:13,412 --> 01:14:15,208 Who knows, sir? 750 01:14:17,181 --> 01:14:18,513 Who knows? 751 01:14:19,651 --> 01:14:20,913 Barman. 752 01:14:22,888 --> 01:14:24,047 The same again, please... 753 01:14:24,122 --> 01:14:27,820 and this time, see that the glasses are decently chilled. 754 01:15:09,935 --> 01:15:13,769 Mr. Ford, this is the most powerful single... 755 01:15:13,839 --> 01:15:18,070 remote-control device created by the Western World. 756 01:15:42,066 --> 01:15:44,228 An excellent tranquilizer, Mr. Ford. 757 01:15:44,303 --> 01:15:49,206 Gentle, fast-acting, eliminates tension, removes excessive inhibitions... 758 01:15:49,274 --> 01:15:52,402 and is almost completely without harmful side effects. 759 01:15:52,478 --> 01:15:54,001 - Almost? - Almost. 760 01:15:54,313 --> 01:15:57,042 Alka-dexa-benza-thera-pota-zallimine... 761 01:15:57,249 --> 01:15:58,910 as your doctor calls it... 762 01:15:58,983 --> 01:16:02,818 in this case, as I happen to be your doctor, that's what I call it... 763 01:16:02,888 --> 01:16:05,880 is dangerous only when taken in conjunction with alcohol. 764 01:16:06,658 --> 01:16:09,718 Even a sip of alcohol after taking one of these pills and... 765 01:16:09,795 --> 01:16:10,784 And? 766 01:16:11,663 --> 01:16:13,824 - Right up the wall. - As you doctors call it. 767 01:16:13,899 --> 01:16:15,423 - And then... - And then? 768 01:16:16,635 --> 01:16:18,262 Right down again. 769 01:16:25,444 --> 01:16:28,470 - Thank you, Dr. Bentley. - You're welcome. 770 01:18:27,065 --> 01:18:28,157 Here. 771 01:18:28,899 --> 01:18:30,231 Thank you. 772 01:18:44,283 --> 01:18:47,616 Mrs. Ford, may I have the pleasure of this dance? 773 01:18:47,952 --> 01:18:49,011 Yes. 774 01:19:30,429 --> 01:19:31,418 Yup. 775 01:21:11,430 --> 01:21:15,763 - Stanley, I'm really expert at handling... - Can I be of any assistance? 776 01:21:15,867 --> 01:21:19,894 - Don't be silly, Your Honor, you're smashed. - I'm as sober as a judge. 777 01:21:20,172 --> 01:21:22,936 I had to do this for Harold last New Year's Eve... 778 01:21:23,008 --> 01:21:24,498 so I know exactly... 779 01:21:24,576 --> 01:21:27,101 Poor baby! She looks so pale! 780 01:21:27,179 --> 01:21:31,115 I think maybe put some cold water on her head and I'll make some coffee. 781 01:21:31,183 --> 01:21:33,413 Okay, I'll call you in a few minutes. 782 01:21:33,485 --> 01:21:35,350 - Yes, but... - Bye, Edna. 783 01:21:37,222 --> 01:21:40,679 Hi, Stan. I've been looking all over for these. 784 01:21:42,427 --> 01:21:44,327 Mrs. Ford, Miss James. 785 01:26:34,384 --> 01:26:36,910 Come on, you silly, drunken old bat! 786 01:26:42,260 --> 01:26:44,489 It's wonderful. She won't remember a thing. 787 01:26:44,562 --> 01:26:47,087 I can say anything I want, actually. 788 01:26:53,504 --> 01:26:56,268 Come on, you silly, drunken, meddlesome old bat! 789 01:26:56,340 --> 01:27:00,539 Yes, "old bat" is what I said, and "old bat" is what I meant! 790 01:27:00,912 --> 01:27:02,310 You old bat! 791 01:31:05,990 --> 01:31:07,149 Hello? 792 01:31:11,261 --> 01:31:12,354 Dear? 793 01:31:24,375 --> 01:31:25,842 Anybody home? 794 01:31:33,050 --> 01:31:35,645 How could she have disappeared? 795 01:31:36,320 --> 01:31:41,086 Stan, wives don't just suddenly up and disappear like that! 796 01:31:42,059 --> 01:31:45,051 What I mean is, it's not that easy, boy. 797 01:31:45,128 --> 01:31:47,221 I mean, it's not that easy! 798 01:31:48,900 --> 01:31:51,926 You and I both know what women are, Mr. Ford. 799 01:31:52,503 --> 01:31:54,993 They're sensitive little creatures. 800 01:31:55,138 --> 01:31:59,269 They're masters, or should I say mistresses, of the fancied slight. 801 01:31:59,911 --> 01:32:03,608 Some little, teeny thing goes wrong, and... 802 01:32:03,980 --> 01:32:05,778 off they go, home to mother. 803 01:32:05,850 --> 01:32:08,910 And that's probably where your wife is now. With her mother. 804 01:32:09,019 --> 01:32:11,010 Somewhere in Italy! 805 01:32:11,289 --> 01:32:12,620 Thank you. 806 01:32:57,735 --> 01:33:00,465 Which concludes our report from Washington. 807 01:33:00,538 --> 01:33:04,269 In a lighter vein, readers of 463 newspapers... 808 01:33:04,342 --> 01:33:08,176 from Bangor, Maine, to Honolulu are asking this question: 809 01:33:09,313 --> 01:33:12,476 "Will Bash Brannigan, hero of America's favorite comic strip..." 810 01:33:12,583 --> 01:33:14,813 "...The Brannigans, really murder his wife?" 811 01:33:14,886 --> 01:33:18,013 If the answer is yes, is this, then, the beginning of a trend? 812 01:33:18,088 --> 01:33:22,253 Will Dagwood murder Blondie? Will Li'I Abner knock off Daisy Mae? 813 01:33:23,728 --> 01:33:26,629 The answer remains the secret of cartoonist Stanley Ford. 814 01:33:26,697 --> 01:33:30,394 And Mrs. Ford, said to be the real-life prototype of Mrs. Brannigan... 815 01:33:30,468 --> 01:33:32,368 is unavailable for comment. 816 01:33:32,436 --> 01:33:34,802 On the weather picture, in New York tonight... 817 01:34:44,841 --> 01:34:47,333 it's perfectly clear what happened. 818 01:34:47,478 --> 01:34:49,571 She saw the drawings of the murder... 819 01:34:49,647 --> 01:34:52,309 and in a typically idiotic female way... 820 01:34:52,383 --> 01:34:55,977 she took it as some kind of personal insult or something, I don't know. 821 01:34:56,053 --> 01:34:57,782 Anyway, to make... 822 01:34:58,089 --> 01:35:00,489 if we're pacing, let's work out a traffic pattern. 823 01:35:00,558 --> 01:35:03,550 You go this way, I'll go that way, all right? 824 01:35:03,661 --> 01:35:06,993 Anyway, she just picked up her raincoat and her bathing suit... 825 01:35:07,064 --> 01:35:08,691 and our dog and she left! 826 01:35:08,766 --> 01:35:12,133 Look, I'm sure that's exactly the way it happened. 827 01:35:12,203 --> 01:35:17,197 But there is an awful lot of evidence, circumstantial I'll admit... 828 01:35:18,008 --> 01:35:20,034 a lot of evidence, lad. 829 01:35:20,578 --> 01:35:24,480 You can't try anybody for murder unless you produce a body! 830 01:35:24,548 --> 01:35:29,042 Normally, that would be true, but in this case... 831 01:35:29,120 --> 01:35:32,782 You see, you and I and Edna... 832 01:35:33,557 --> 01:35:35,047 and the police... 833 01:35:35,126 --> 01:35:39,654 and 80 million readers of 463 newspapers... 834 01:35:39,730 --> 01:35:41,527 from Maine to Honolulu, know it. 835 01:35:41,599 --> 01:35:44,227 Even my kids all know that you murdered her... 836 01:35:44,302 --> 01:35:48,795 and buried her in the goop from the gloppitta-gloppitta machine! 837 01:35:49,707 --> 01:35:51,572 What I mean is... 838 01:35:51,642 --> 01:35:55,408 I'm going to be doing my very best for you. 839 01:35:56,547 --> 01:36:00,244 But it's only fair to warn you that... 840 01:36:01,085 --> 01:36:03,053 it doesn't look good. 841 01:36:03,654 --> 01:36:07,090 It does not look good. 842 01:36:14,532 --> 01:36:16,295 Murdered his wife... 843 01:36:17,168 --> 01:36:20,137 fiendishly and in cold blood. 844 01:36:22,440 --> 01:36:24,340 But even beyond this... 845 01:36:25,242 --> 01:36:29,611 I ask you to consider the arrogance of the man. 846 01:36:30,548 --> 01:36:35,008 Not content with his crime, he then proceeded to publish... 847 01:36:35,086 --> 01:36:38,453 in 463 newspapers... 848 01:36:38,755 --> 01:36:41,486 from Bangor, Maine, to Honolulu... 849 01:36:42,360 --> 01:36:46,728 each shocking detail of his murder plan. 850 01:36:49,533 --> 01:36:51,626 It doesn't look good. 851 01:36:57,341 --> 01:37:00,798 He regretted his marriage from the very beginning... 852 01:37:00,877 --> 01:37:03,778 and made every effort to worm his way out of it. 853 01:37:03,847 --> 01:37:05,475 I object, Your Honor! 854 01:37:05,549 --> 01:37:09,576 Harold, how many times have I told you not to interrupt me when I'm talking? 855 01:37:10,154 --> 01:37:12,088 But, dear, you said you... 856 01:37:12,156 --> 01:37:14,124 Shut up! You know he killed her! 857 01:37:14,191 --> 01:37:15,215 But, dear! 858 01:37:15,292 --> 01:37:17,988 And let me tell you something else, Harold Lampson. 859 01:37:18,062 --> 01:37:22,260 If you go on defending known murderers, you're going to wake up one morning... 860 01:37:22,333 --> 01:37:24,631 and find yourself disbarred! 861 01:37:27,371 --> 01:37:30,101 And it is your opinion that this drug... 862 01:37:30,908 --> 01:37:34,809 "Alka-dexa-benza-thera-pota-zallimine," as your doctor calls it. 863 01:37:35,212 --> 01:37:38,545 In this case, of course, as I don't happen to be your doctor... 864 01:37:38,616 --> 01:37:40,607 you can just call them "goof balls." 865 01:37:41,751 --> 01:37:43,083 Thank you. 866 01:37:43,454 --> 01:37:47,515 Anyway, Doctor, it is your opinion that these "goof balls..." 867 01:37:47,591 --> 01:37:51,584 can, under certain conditions, be extremely dangerous? 868 01:37:53,097 --> 01:37:58,057 Only if taken in conjunction with alcohol. Otherwise, harmless, absolutely harmless. 869 01:37:58,135 --> 01:38:01,195 You get a little high, you have a few laughs... 870 01:38:01,272 --> 01:38:02,795 an occasional burst into song... 871 01:38:02,873 --> 01:38:06,934 Would you be good enough to describe the effect of these things... 872 01:38:07,011 --> 01:38:09,036 when taken with alcohol? 873 01:38:09,113 --> 01:38:10,444 Certainly. 874 01:38:11,714 --> 01:38:13,114 Right up the wall. 875 01:38:13,184 --> 01:38:14,583 Then... 876 01:38:15,019 --> 01:38:16,213 right down again. 877 01:38:32,236 --> 01:38:35,034 And you contend, Mr. Burbank... 878 01:38:35,105 --> 01:38:39,166 that Mr. Ford was simply conducting a dry run? 879 01:38:39,742 --> 01:38:43,839 Merely testing a murder plan for his comic strip? 880 01:38:44,348 --> 01:38:45,872 Precisely, sir! 881 01:38:46,050 --> 01:38:49,451 You see, Mr. Ford would never ask Bash Brannigan... 882 01:38:49,520 --> 01:38:52,956 to do anything that he hadn't already done himself. 883 01:38:53,590 --> 01:38:56,753 Including murder his wife? 884 01:38:57,862 --> 01:38:59,056 Well... 885 01:39:00,097 --> 01:39:03,089 Has it occurred to you, Mr. Burbank... 886 01:39:03,167 --> 01:39:08,104 that Mr. Ford perhaps wanted you to think it was only a dry run? 887 01:39:09,306 --> 01:39:11,535 The night was dark, was it not? 888 01:39:12,042 --> 01:39:13,565 Yes, sir, but you... 889 01:39:13,643 --> 01:39:17,636 And by your own admission, you observed and photographed the entire operation... 890 01:39:17,714 --> 01:39:21,481 from a hotel window no closer than a block away? 891 01:39:21,618 --> 01:39:22,642 Quite, sir, but... 892 01:39:22,719 --> 01:39:26,746 Then for all you know, it was Mrs. Ford's body... 893 01:39:26,824 --> 01:39:29,156 he buried in the wet cement? 894 01:39:36,300 --> 01:39:37,561 I say... 895 01:39:38,502 --> 01:39:39,969 You don't... 896 01:39:40,437 --> 01:39:42,529 You don't actually mean... 897 01:39:43,207 --> 01:39:46,040 But of course! You're absolutely right! 898 01:39:46,110 --> 01:39:50,410 What a silly ninny I was not to have seen through him before! 899 01:39:50,481 --> 01:39:52,244 Of course he did it! 900 01:39:54,084 --> 01:39:55,550 Congratulations, sir! 901 01:39:55,618 --> 01:39:58,519 Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! 902 01:39:58,588 --> 01:40:00,613 Do you know you had me completely fooled? 903 01:40:00,690 --> 01:40:03,125 I thought it was a dummy! Even I! 904 01:40:04,128 --> 01:40:06,618 That makes me a bit of a dummy, doesn't it, sir? 905 01:40:06,696 --> 01:40:09,257 I can't tell you how happy I am. 906 01:40:09,333 --> 01:40:13,326 I'll give Mr. Rawlins my notice and take up residence early next week. 907 01:40:13,404 --> 01:40:15,564 The prosecution rests. 908 01:40:25,349 --> 01:40:28,613 I don't think there's one chance in ten... 909 01:40:28,685 --> 01:40:32,019 that they'll actually send you to the chair. 910 01:40:32,089 --> 01:40:33,521 Well, maybe one. 911 01:40:33,590 --> 01:40:38,051 But, personally, I think it'll be somewhere between, say, 20 years and life... 912 01:40:38,128 --> 01:40:42,087 which isn't so terribly bad when you come right down to think of it. 913 01:40:42,166 --> 01:40:45,431 I mean, you always liked simple food... 914 01:40:45,501 --> 01:40:48,027 and a regulated, well-ordered life. 915 01:40:48,105 --> 01:40:50,938 And looking at it from my point of view... 916 01:40:51,308 --> 01:40:53,367 if I had gotten you off... 917 01:40:53,443 --> 01:40:55,434 Edna would've been just furious. 918 01:40:55,511 --> 01:40:57,980 She wouldn't have spoken to me for a couple of months. 919 01:40:58,048 --> 01:41:02,917 You know how she is when she gets into a mood. She makes my life an absolute, living hell. 920 01:41:03,453 --> 01:41:05,081 No kidding, Stan. 921 01:41:05,222 --> 01:41:09,090 Losing this case tomorrow may be a little tough on you. 922 01:41:09,793 --> 01:41:14,093 But it's one of the best things that's happened to my home life in years. 923 01:41:18,568 --> 01:41:20,196 Hear ye, hear ye. 924 01:41:20,771 --> 01:41:23,865 The Court of General Sessions is now in session. 925 01:41:25,508 --> 01:41:27,533 If it please the Court, may I call... 926 01:41:27,610 --> 01:41:29,772 Your Honor, from this point forward... 927 01:41:29,847 --> 01:41:33,146 I would like to dispense with counsel and conduct my own defense. 928 01:41:33,217 --> 01:41:34,980 For my first and only witness... 929 01:41:35,052 --> 01:41:39,045 I would like to call my friend and former attorney, Mr. Harold Lampson. 930 01:41:39,123 --> 01:41:40,112 You must be... 931 01:41:40,190 --> 01:41:42,215 Will you approach the bench, gentlemen? 932 01:41:42,292 --> 01:41:45,193 Hey, wait a minute! Stan, you... 933 01:41:45,763 --> 01:41:48,163 Now, let me understand this, Mr. Ford. 934 01:41:48,232 --> 01:41:50,029 You wish to be your own counsel... 935 01:41:50,100 --> 01:41:52,499 and call him as a witness for the defense? 936 01:41:52,568 --> 01:41:53,900 I do, Your Honor. 937 01:41:53,971 --> 01:41:56,064 I really don't know what to say. 938 01:41:56,140 --> 01:42:00,405 How about, "This is most irregular, but he may take the stand"? 939 01:42:01,245 --> 01:42:02,337 Thank you. 940 01:42:02,412 --> 01:42:05,610 This is most irregular, but he may take the stand. 941 01:42:09,253 --> 01:42:11,244 Now, wait a minute, Stan. 942 01:42:12,056 --> 01:42:13,785 This is ridiculous! 943 01:42:13,957 --> 01:42:16,619 You don't even know how to conduct a... 944 01:42:16,694 --> 01:42:18,924 I could have got you off from 20 years to life. 945 01:42:18,996 --> 01:42:22,090 But this way you're gonna wind up in the electric chair! 946 01:42:22,166 --> 01:42:24,395 Raise your right hand, please. 947 01:42:27,071 --> 01:42:30,939 Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but, so help you God? 948 01:42:31,008 --> 01:42:32,635 - I do. - Be seated. 949 01:42:33,644 --> 01:42:35,839 State your full name, please. 950 01:42:36,379 --> 01:42:38,245 - Harold Lampson. - Are you married, Harold? 951 01:42:38,315 --> 01:42:40,909 You know damn well that I've been... 952 01:42:42,986 --> 01:42:44,317 Yes. 953 01:42:44,955 --> 01:42:48,321 - How many years you been married? - Let's see. 954 01:42:48,726 --> 01:42:50,420 Hal Jr. is 10. 955 01:42:51,261 --> 01:42:53,855 We were living on West 11th Street at the time. 956 01:42:53,931 --> 01:42:57,731 So that would make it in the neighborhood of... 957 01:42:57,801 --> 01:42:59,598 Eleven years, you idiot! 958 01:43:02,072 --> 01:43:05,438 Eleven glorious, wonderful years. 959 01:43:06,877 --> 01:43:07,866 That's right. 960 01:43:07,945 --> 01:43:10,971 Eleven glorious, wonderful years. 961 01:43:11,215 --> 01:43:13,809 Your Honor, I fail to see what... 962 01:43:13,884 --> 01:43:16,682 I'm merely trying to establish the witness's qualifications. 963 01:43:16,754 --> 01:43:18,051 As what? 964 01:43:18,122 --> 01:43:21,091 As a typical example of a happily married, American male. 965 01:43:21,158 --> 01:43:24,388 That's what you are, isn't it? A happily married, American male? 966 01:43:24,460 --> 01:43:26,122 Yes, I suppose so. 967 01:43:26,230 --> 01:43:29,666 Stan, look, you're doing this all wrong. 968 01:43:30,267 --> 01:43:33,134 - You have two lovely children? - Yes. 969 01:43:33,203 --> 01:43:36,570 A house in Scarsdale, a late-model station wagon, a Great Dane, right? 970 01:43:36,640 --> 01:43:37,629 Yes, that's right. 971 01:43:37,708 --> 01:43:40,871 Therefore, I submit that the witness is eminently qualified. 972 01:43:40,944 --> 01:43:44,310 Now, I'm going to ask you a question. 973 01:43:44,380 --> 01:43:46,439 I want you to think it over very carefully... 974 01:43:46,517 --> 01:43:49,816 and then answer me as honestly as you possibly can, okay? 975 01:43:49,887 --> 01:43:50,876 Yeah. 976 01:43:50,954 --> 01:43:53,478 - Do you believe in marriage? - What? 977 01:43:53,824 --> 01:43:57,783 Do you believe in marriage as an institution? Do you believe in it? 978 01:43:59,395 --> 01:44:02,421 Hell, yes, sure, of course I believe in it! 979 01:44:02,499 --> 01:44:05,627 What kind of a question is that anyway? 980 01:44:05,702 --> 01:44:08,967 From where I sit, which you said may well be an electric chair... 981 01:44:09,039 --> 01:44:11,030 it's rather a central one, I'd say. 982 01:44:11,108 --> 01:44:14,771 However, let me put it to you a slightly different way. 983 01:44:15,913 --> 01:44:18,278 Let us assume for a moment... 984 01:44:19,315 --> 01:44:24,309 that this dot I have just drawn is a button. 985 01:44:25,221 --> 01:44:26,211 A button? 986 01:44:27,658 --> 01:44:28,920 A button. 987 01:44:29,726 --> 01:44:31,215 All right, it's a button. 988 01:44:31,294 --> 01:44:35,595 Let's further assume that if you were to push that button... 989 01:44:35,666 --> 01:44:39,534 your wife, Edna, to whom you've been married for 11 wonderful years... 990 01:44:39,603 --> 01:44:42,003 would suddenly and magically disappear. 991 01:44:42,072 --> 01:44:43,937 - Disappear? - Yes, as in vanish. 992 01:44:44,007 --> 01:44:45,405 Not be here. 993 01:44:45,542 --> 01:44:47,737 No longer exist. 994 01:44:48,779 --> 01:44:50,041 I object! 995 01:44:50,113 --> 01:44:51,204 Overruled! 996 01:44:51,280 --> 01:44:53,112 That's right, overruled! 997 01:44:53,183 --> 01:44:57,312 And will you please shut up? This is beginning to get interesting. 998 01:44:58,221 --> 01:44:59,553 Thank you, Your Honor. 999 01:44:59,623 --> 01:45:01,385 Let me add two important things. 1000 01:45:01,491 --> 01:45:03,925 Her disappearance would be completely harmless. 1001 01:45:03,994 --> 01:45:08,727 But what's more important, no one, repeat, no one... 1002 01:45:08,799 --> 01:45:12,428 would ever know that it was you who pushed that button. 1003 01:45:16,339 --> 01:45:19,503 - No one would ever know? - No one would ever know. 1004 01:45:21,344 --> 01:45:24,803 - No one would ever know? - No one would ever know. 1005 01:45:26,450 --> 01:45:28,042 How old are you? 1006 01:45:28,418 --> 01:45:29,442 52. 1007 01:45:31,088 --> 01:45:33,056 I don't believe it! You don't look over 40. 1008 01:45:33,123 --> 01:45:36,524 You wouldn't look over 40 if you lost weight, sat up straight. 1009 01:45:36,593 --> 01:45:39,254 There you are. Here you are, in the prime of life... 1010 01:45:39,328 --> 01:45:41,729 a handsome man, successful in business... 1011 01:45:41,798 --> 01:45:42,958 adored by one and all. 1012 01:45:43,033 --> 01:45:46,969 In fact, it could be said that you had it made, except for one thing. 1013 01:45:47,037 --> 01:45:50,267 - I'm a lousy lawyer? - No, you're married. 1014 01:45:50,941 --> 01:45:54,843 Yeah, but being married is the normal way to live! 1015 01:45:55,479 --> 01:45:57,413 - Isn't it? - Who says so? 1016 01:46:00,083 --> 01:46:01,140 Edna. 1017 01:46:01,217 --> 01:46:04,152 I think you've been brainwashed! 1018 01:46:04,554 --> 01:46:06,988 You're missing a very important point! 1019 01:46:07,057 --> 01:46:10,720 Marriage is not a basic fact of nature! It's an invention! 1020 01:46:11,595 --> 01:46:12,960 It's like the infield fly rule. 1021 01:46:13,030 --> 01:46:15,590 It exists only because the women say so... 1022 01:46:15,666 --> 01:46:18,293 and like idiots, we just go following right along. 1023 01:46:18,368 --> 01:46:20,563 No, Stan. 1024 01:46:20,637 --> 01:46:23,868 I don't know what I would do without Edna. 1025 01:46:24,474 --> 01:46:25,668 She... 1026 01:46:29,546 --> 01:46:31,343 She plans the meals... 1027 01:46:31,715 --> 01:46:34,343 sends my shirts to the laundry... 1028 01:46:34,584 --> 01:46:38,918 You're making another basic, common, masculine mistake... 1029 01:46:38,989 --> 01:46:41,082 - ...confusing love and laundry. - Love and... 1030 01:46:41,157 --> 01:46:44,423 Let me tell you something. For years now, a very nice gentleman... 1031 01:46:44,494 --> 01:46:46,928 who operates, for reasons I'll never understand... 1032 01:46:46,997 --> 01:46:50,455 as "Madame Renée," has picked up my shirts every Monday... 1033 01:46:50,534 --> 01:46:53,025 and returned them, beautifully done, on Thursday. 1034 01:46:53,102 --> 01:46:57,767 And not once, in all those years, have I felt the slightest urge to marry him. 1035 01:46:59,343 --> 01:47:01,436 How much money do you make? 1036 01:47:02,713 --> 01:47:04,840 Between $70,000 and $80,000 a year. 1037 01:47:04,915 --> 01:47:09,078 How much of that $70,000 or $80,000 do you get to spend on yourself? 1038 01:47:09,486 --> 01:47:13,650 On that, you know, of course, with Edna and the kids... 1039 01:47:14,223 --> 01:47:16,692 and the payments on the house in Scarsdale... 1040 01:47:16,760 --> 01:47:18,523 And then of course... 1041 01:47:18,595 --> 01:47:22,964 I do carry a lot of life insurance. 1042 01:47:23,033 --> 01:47:23,965 Yeah, I understand. 1043 01:47:24,034 --> 01:47:25,592 Now, stop for one moment... 1044 01:47:25,669 --> 01:47:28,729 and think what life could be like right now, if... 1045 01:47:28,805 --> 01:47:30,864 Men of the jury, this concerns you, too. 1046 01:47:30,941 --> 01:47:34,171 Stop and think what your life could be like right now... 1047 01:47:34,243 --> 01:47:38,043 if you'd had the common sense not to marry Josephine... 1048 01:47:38,114 --> 01:47:42,313 or Hilda or Mary or Peggy or Rochelle. 1049 01:47:43,152 --> 01:47:44,244 Or Edna? 1050 01:47:46,456 --> 01:47:49,755 Think what you could be doing with all that money right now. 1051 01:47:49,826 --> 01:47:50,918 Yeah. 1052 01:47:52,228 --> 01:47:54,823 Could have a little Chris-Craft maybe. 1053 01:47:55,265 --> 01:47:59,429 Get rid of that broken-down, money-pit of a house in Scarsdale. 1054 01:48:00,904 --> 01:48:04,340 It's very easy, Harold. All you've got to do is poke the button. 1055 01:48:07,209 --> 01:48:09,804 - Could I grow a mustache? - Of course. 1056 01:48:10,914 --> 01:48:13,849 - Put wax on the ends? - Who could stop you? 1057 01:48:15,051 --> 01:48:19,716 - I used to wear one before I was married. - I remember. You cut quite a dashing figure. 1058 01:48:19,790 --> 01:48:22,884 - You really think so? - Absolutely. Push the button. 1059 01:48:23,427 --> 01:48:28,159 It was always a little sparse on the left side. 1060 01:48:28,265 --> 01:48:30,665 A good barber could trim it so you'd never notice. 1061 01:48:30,734 --> 01:48:32,668 Why don't you push the button? 1062 01:48:33,169 --> 01:48:36,070 I never could afford a really good barber then. 1063 01:48:36,138 --> 01:48:38,106 But you could now. 1064 01:48:39,609 --> 01:48:41,270 But I could now. 1065 01:48:41,344 --> 01:48:44,780 When's the last time you started thinking about girls? 1066 01:48:46,982 --> 01:48:50,350 - Girls? - Think of a whole world full of girls. 1067 01:48:50,420 --> 01:48:54,516 Just think on that, a world pulsating with girls. 1068 01:48:54,891 --> 01:48:56,084 Models? 1069 01:48:58,160 --> 01:49:00,128 - Actresses? - You know it. 1070 01:49:01,364 --> 01:49:03,889 My insurance man's new secretary... 1071 01:49:04,701 --> 01:49:08,296 Tall girls, thin girls, small girls, round girls... 1072 01:49:11,475 --> 01:49:12,464 Pinup girls. 1073 01:49:12,542 --> 01:49:16,170 They don't pin up anymore, they fold out, but you're getting the idea. 1074 01:49:16,246 --> 01:49:19,443 Instead of that broken-down money pit of a house in Scarsdale... 1075 01:49:19,516 --> 01:49:22,349 you get a townhouse all to yourself. 1076 01:49:22,886 --> 01:49:25,252 - With a butler? - Push the button. 1077 01:49:25,789 --> 01:49:29,418 - Like Charles? - Push the button. 1078 01:49:29,593 --> 01:49:33,393 To have the martini glasses chilling when I come home? 1079 01:49:33,463 --> 01:49:34,862 That's right, exactly. 1080 01:49:34,930 --> 01:49:37,695 Come with me. All you have to do is push the button. 1081 01:49:37,767 --> 01:49:40,793 Push, and she disappears. 1082 01:49:41,171 --> 01:49:43,401 Nobody will ever know, Harold. 1083 01:49:44,140 --> 01:49:47,132 Just one little push and she's gone. 1084 01:49:47,210 --> 01:49:50,145 Just push the button. 1085 01:49:53,115 --> 01:49:54,980 No one will ever know? 1086 01:49:55,585 --> 01:49:56,745 Harold! 1087 01:49:56,820 --> 01:49:59,311 If you think I've made your life a living hell... 1088 01:49:59,389 --> 01:50:02,358 you haven't begun to learn the meaning of the word "suffer"! 1089 01:50:02,425 --> 01:50:04,325 Shut up, you old bat! 1090 01:50:05,529 --> 01:50:07,861 Besides, you won't feel a thing! 1091 01:50:16,406 --> 01:50:18,431 I'm free! I did it! 1092 01:50:19,209 --> 01:50:20,676 Harold! 1093 01:50:21,311 --> 01:50:22,573 I did it! 1094 01:50:28,285 --> 01:50:29,809 Quiet, everybody. 1095 01:50:30,019 --> 01:50:31,612 Just calm down. 1096 01:50:31,688 --> 01:50:36,056 Bailiffs, better remove this woman here. 1097 01:50:36,226 --> 01:50:39,320 Good idea! Throw her out! I mean, remove her. 1098 01:50:40,430 --> 01:50:41,624 Harold! 1099 01:50:44,534 --> 01:50:48,095 What time will you be home for dinner? 1100 01:50:48,371 --> 01:50:50,998 I'll be home whatever time it pleases me to be home. 1101 01:50:51,073 --> 01:50:54,373 Of course, I may stop off at the club... 1102 01:50:54,977 --> 01:50:57,844 to have a couple of quickies on the way. 1103 01:50:59,249 --> 01:51:01,479 That's all, woman, you may go. 1104 01:51:01,951 --> 01:51:05,251 Just take her out, put her in the tank if necessary. 1105 01:51:13,496 --> 01:51:14,962 All right, then. 1106 01:51:22,339 --> 01:51:23,805 Gentlemen. 1107 01:51:34,150 --> 01:51:37,449 I address you not as judge and jury... 1108 01:51:39,122 --> 01:51:41,851 but as a fellow American male. 1109 01:51:43,526 --> 01:51:48,520 The crime that you have just seen Harold Lampson commit in his imagination... 1110 01:51:48,598 --> 01:51:51,692 I have been accused of committing in reality. 1111 01:51:52,968 --> 01:51:56,961 Too long has the American man... 1112 01:51:57,973 --> 01:52:00,465 allowed himself to be bullied... 1113 01:52:01,344 --> 01:52:04,074 coddled and mothered and tyrannized... 1114 01:52:04,147 --> 01:52:06,377 and made to feel like a feeble-minded idiot... 1115 01:52:06,449 --> 01:52:08,780 by the female of the species! 1116 01:52:11,221 --> 01:52:15,987 Do you realize the power that you have in your hand here today? 1117 01:52:17,627 --> 01:52:20,994 If one man, just one man... 1118 01:52:21,064 --> 01:52:25,296 can stick his wife in the goop from the gloppitta-gloppitta machine... 1119 01:52:25,368 --> 01:52:28,462 and get away with it, boy, we got it made! 1120 01:52:28,538 --> 01:52:30,835 We have got it made, all of us! 1121 01:52:32,676 --> 01:52:34,667 Gentlemen, I did it. 1122 01:52:36,279 --> 01:52:37,745 I killed her. 1123 01:52:38,947 --> 01:52:41,542 I murdered my wife! 1124 01:52:43,919 --> 01:52:48,152 Every single charge the district attorney has leveled against me is true. 1125 01:52:48,224 --> 01:52:50,783 Indeed, I did slip her a mickey. 1126 01:52:52,128 --> 01:52:55,586 I cold-bloodedly then fed her into a tomb of goop... 1127 01:52:55,665 --> 01:52:57,428 from the gloppitta-gloppitta machine. 1128 01:52:57,500 --> 01:52:59,763 I ask you to acquit me! 1129 01:53:01,504 --> 01:53:05,769 Acquit me on the grounds of justifiable homicide! 1130 01:53:07,710 --> 01:53:09,837 And not for my sake. 1131 01:53:12,515 --> 01:53:13,845 For yours. 1132 01:53:18,321 --> 01:53:22,155 If we do let him off, it'll scare the hell out of old Shirley. 1133 01:53:22,392 --> 01:53:25,452 I could go around the world on a tramp steamer. 1134 01:53:25,628 --> 01:53:27,619 I could buy a motorcycle. 1135 01:53:29,132 --> 01:53:31,895 Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict? 1136 01:53:32,001 --> 01:53:33,366 Not guilty! 1137 01:54:10,106 --> 01:54:11,596 There you are. 1138 01:54:12,142 --> 01:54:14,337 Congratulations, sir. 1139 01:54:14,411 --> 01:54:17,141 It's gonna be just like old times again. 1140 01:54:20,716 --> 01:54:23,242 Charles, I hope you don't get upset. 1141 01:54:23,920 --> 01:54:26,047 I have a confession to make. 1142 01:54:26,890 --> 01:54:28,414 I didn't do it. 1143 01:54:31,528 --> 01:54:33,496 You didn't do it, sir? 1144 01:54:35,664 --> 01:54:38,998 If you didn't murder her, where is she now? 1145 01:54:39,068 --> 01:54:40,092 I don't know. 1146 01:54:40,170 --> 01:54:43,162 Probably with her mother in Italy. I don't know. 1147 01:54:45,041 --> 01:54:46,406 But, sir... 1148 01:54:47,510 --> 01:54:51,412 that means that some fine day, she may come back here again. 1149 01:54:53,049 --> 01:54:54,380 I hope so. 1150 01:54:58,587 --> 01:55:00,249 It doesn't matter. 1151 01:55:00,857 --> 01:55:02,484 It doesn't matter! 1152 01:55:02,559 --> 01:55:06,824 Sir, under American law, you cannot be tried for the same crime twice! 1153 01:55:07,263 --> 01:55:09,254 They've already acquitted you of her murder. 1154 01:55:09,332 --> 01:55:13,166 So if she did come back, you could quite legally kill her again! 1155 01:55:13,236 --> 01:55:17,002 It would be open season. Just one peep out of her and... 1156 01:55:17,273 --> 01:55:19,173 Right between the eyes! 1157 01:55:21,044 --> 01:55:23,342 It's so good to be home again. 1158 01:55:23,413 --> 01:55:26,643 I'll have the whole place back to normal in a matter of days. 1159 01:55:26,715 --> 01:55:28,706 Goodbye, big gunky lamps. 1160 01:55:28,952 --> 01:55:31,182 Farewell, gay little chintzes. 1161 01:55:31,287 --> 01:55:34,722 And I'll have you tipping the scale at 160 pounds... 1162 01:55:35,791 --> 01:55:37,282 in no time. 1163 01:55:48,304 --> 01:55:49,828 She's in there. 1164 01:55:50,473 --> 01:55:52,464 Good God, sir, she's in there! 1165 01:56:08,324 --> 01:56:10,849 Here you are, sir. Here's your chance. 1166 01:56:10,927 --> 01:56:13,361 Go on in there and finish her off. 1167 01:56:28,278 --> 01:56:30,473 I suppose if he can put up with her, I can.