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♪ cheerful music playing ♪
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[grunts]
[phone dings]
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CLAY: Oh, shit.
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[indistinct chatter]
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- Clay! Dougie Lewis.
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We used to have the same agent
back in the day.
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- Oh, yeah. Hey, Dougie, how you doin'?
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- Well, not great, you know?
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Things have been a little...
rough, to be honest.
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You know, I haven't booked a job
since I posted that manifesto,
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and a Ford Fusion is no place to live, so.
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- Yeah.
- I can't believe they let you back
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on the lot after all that
trouble you used to cause.
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- Ah, yeah, I had to sign
a crazy strict morals clause.
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Speaking of which--
- Hey, you know what?
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I'm actually here auditioning
for a couple lines
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on Chicago Hope: Miami.
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I don't know if you know
anybody over there--
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- Oh, I really don't. I'm, uh--
- That's why I got this suit, you know?
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The guy at the garage sale
wanted 40 bucks.
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- I said, "I can't afford that."
- Hey, Dougie, look.
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I'm sorry your life sucks,
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but I fucked someone
I wasn't supposed to,
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so I have to get to wardrobe right now.
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- Okay. Roger that.
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- Yeah.
- Break a leg.
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- So.
- Oh!
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- You and my mom, doin' the deed.
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- Okay, if you need to hit me, go ahead.
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Just don't break my nose,
my septum's hanging on by a thread.
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- I'm not gonna hit you.
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I just wanna know, man to man,
do you like my mom?
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Or do you like-like my mom?
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- I like-like what we did,
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but I don't feel comfortable
talking to you about any of this.
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- Cool... Cool.
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I was just worried
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'cause if it was one of those
"wham bam thank you, Mom" situations,
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she does not handle that well.
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- What do you mean?
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- She was dating this guy
and he was using her,
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and she kinda smashed his windshield,
and the neighbors had to call the police.
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- Whoa! No, no, no.
None of that here. No, no.
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- Awesome!
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My real mom and my TV dad dating.
Uh, dreams come true much?
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♪ theme music playing ♪
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- Good morning.
Morning, morning, morning.
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[indistinct chatter]
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All right, let's get--
Oh, hello, people I don't know.
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- Hi, Gordon. Gordon, uh--
Everyone, this is Gordon.
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He is the creator of the original show.
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Also, technically, my father.
Uh, Gordon, new writers.
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- Oh! Okay. Ah, good for us.
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This one of those...
diversity intern training things?
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- Uh--
GORDON: You know what?
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Personally, I think it's a shame
you're not getting paid
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'cause that's not right at all,
but I will say this,
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the lessons you're
gonna learn, invaluable.
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Case in point:
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misunderstandings, always funny.
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Example, guy's in a store
and he's talking to a busty salesgirl--
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HANNAH: Okay, stop!
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No, Gordon, these are the writers
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that I hired for the show
before you decided to
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join us. Yeah.
GORDON: Oh.
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- Janae comes from the Harvard Lampoon,
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Benny is an amazing queer playwright,
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and Azmina wrote an amazing spec script,
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and fine, is also
from the Disney diversity program.
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- What, no Eskimos?
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- Oh my god.
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- Wow.
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- Literal gasp.
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GORDON:
Uh-oh. What? Did I just step in it?
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Is... Is one of you part Eskimo?
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- No, that's not the problem.
- All right, good, good.
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Hey, little fun fact.
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I happen to be Eskimo brothers
with Don Johnson.
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- Hey.
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Uh, did you read the rewrite?
- No, not yet.
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- Yeah, they added a scene.
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Uh, we're in bed.
- Oh.
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- Foolin' around.
- Ooh.
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- That's actually kind of racy compared to
how tame we had to keep it on network.
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[laughs]
I just, just wanted to make
sure you're okay with it?
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- Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
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- Oh, uh, well, you know,
just, um... given our history.
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- Mmm.
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You think that your mouth is a wormhole
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and I'm gonna fall right back into 2005?
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- [laughs] No, no! What?
No, no, no, no, no.
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- Yeah, you do. I think you do.
- Oh, I don't, I don't. I'm tellin'--
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No, this is fine, this is great.
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- Okay.
- This is great, Bree.
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You're fine, I'm fine, uh.
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Just worried about... oh, you know.
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- What?
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- You're going through
a divorce right now.
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- Oh.
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- You might be feeling
a little bit lonely and vulnerable,
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which could, you know,
lead to stirrings of old feelings.
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- You are being
so condescending right now--
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- No, no, honey,
I'm not being condescending.
- Yeah, you're doing it right now.
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- Bree, I am not being--
- Still doing it.
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Still doing it.
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Lana!
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I just walked into my trailer to find
a full assortment of Spanx waiting for me.
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Are you trying to tell me something?
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- I don't know what you're talkin' about.
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- Oh, well, I guess I just got visited
by the Spanx fairy then.
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- Sweetie, it's Hollywood.
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There's not an actress over 40
raw doggin' it these days.
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- Charming.
- Just be careful wearing them on a date.
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When a man undresses you,
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you expand like one
of those mattresses in a box.
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- Well, I haven't had to worry
about that in a while.
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- Why? Oh, sorry.
Couldn't help but overhear.
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- Because I haven't been
on a first date in 15 years.
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- That's since I was six years old.
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- Why is everyone trying to hurt me today?
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- Okay, look, we gotta fix this,
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take you out,
help you meet some hot zaddies.
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What are you doing tomorrow night?
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- I can't, I am so behind on Cupcake Wars.
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I just heard myself.
Where do you wanna go?
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- Let's get some dinner
and then go someplace fun.
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What do you wanna eat: sushi or Mexican?
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- Mexican.
- I'd go for sushi.
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- Fuck off, Lana!
- Ooh, somebody's hangry.
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- Shorter?
- Yeah.
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- There's my guy.
- Oh god.
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- Got a hot little tip for ya.
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You know that special lady
you've been crushin' on?
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- You mean, your mom?
- It's her birthday Saturday.
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I scored us a res at the O-G,
Olive Garden.
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Let's just say if you were
to show up at the table
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with the never-ending breadsticks,
she would not be mad.
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- Oh, hell yes.
As long as it's not Saturday, I'm in.
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- Oh, I just said it was Saturday.
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Oh, what about brunch on Sunday?
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- [sighs] We need to find a way
to bring Whitney and Josie closer.
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- Okay. What if...
there's a, a hot delivery guy
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and both girls are ordering
all this stuff they don't even want
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just so they can see the guy.
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And then on the way out,
there's, like, a big box,
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he trips over the box
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'cause hot plus clumsy, always funny.
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Right?
HANNAH: Yeah, so, in real life,
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people don't just
magically trip over things
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the exact moment you need them to.
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- They can if you write that.
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- I wanna do something less sitcom-y,
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or, you know, at least something
that passes the Bechdel test.
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[writers chuckling]
- What?
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- Something that passes the Bechdel test.
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- No, I heard her...
I just don't know what the fuck that is.
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- Guys, let's go easy on him.
[whispers] He's old.
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- I heard that, too, Carrot Top.
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Or Carrot Bottom,
I don't wanna make assumptions.
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AZMINA: To pass the Bechdel test,
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the script must have at least
one exchange between two women
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where they're not talking about a man.
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- Is she still talkin'?
'Cause I dozed off.
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- This is probably too meta,
but-- [chuckles]
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Oh my god. [laughs]
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- [laughs] This is exciting,
she's got somethin' here.
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- What if they bond by talking
about Alison Bechdel?
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[writers laughing]
- That's hilarious.
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HANNAH: Oh, I like that.
- All right, I, I also get why it's funny.
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Um, can I speak to you
for a second outside?
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HANNAH: Yeah.
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What's the problem?
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- I was under the impression
we're still makin' a comedy.
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- Oh my god, just because they're
not pitching, like, old-timey jokes
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- doesn't m--
- No, no, no. They're not
pitching jokes period.
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- So, comedy's evolved since
you last wrote for television.
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I mean, honestly,
whole species have evolved.
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- Listen, we don't schlep in
a live audience every week
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so they can sit there and nod
in thoughtful amusement.
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We need them to actually laugh.
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- Yeah, I get it, and trust me,
these writers are very funny.
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- I--
[door opens]
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- The bathroom is that way?
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00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,701
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, A-Azmina.
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- Funniest food?
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00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:17,706
- Uh, I don't know. Uh, oatmeal.
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- Oatmeal... Aren't you embarrassed?
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It's pickles.
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- Pickles?
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- Okay. Let's get this on its feet.
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Or maybe I should say on its back.
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[chuckling]
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Jake, you're in the hall.
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Lawrence is on top of Josie.
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00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,604
- I'm on top of her, huh?
JERRY: Uh-huh, yeah.
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00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,606
- Oh, okay. Umm.
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00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:45,359
All right, so... so we'll
mock the kissing.
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00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,194
- Oh my god,
I'm gonna punch you in the face.
199
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- And action!
200
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,447
- All right, wow.
201
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,950
Looks like we have
the house all to ourselves.
202
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BREE: Mm.
JERRY: And you're kissing.
203
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,537
- Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.
- Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.
204
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:59,373
- Now the canoodling's
getting hot and heavy.
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00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,666
REED: All right.
206
00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:04,670
- Very nice. Humpy, humpy... Very nice.
[moaning]
207
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:05,671
[gasps]
208
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,632
- Um.
- Okay, what is that?
209
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:10,926
- Nothing, it's nothing.
- Doesn't feel like nothing.
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00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:13,679
[door opens]
- Don't mind me, just lookin' for my keys.
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00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:14,930
BOTH: Jake!
212
00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:17,975
- Ah, ah, ah, I think it's funnier
if you stay on top of her.
213
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:20,143
- You want me to stay on top of her?
- Yeah.
214
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:20,978
- Oh.
215
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:24,189
- Oh boy.
- But... there's, you know,
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00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,774
in terms of the momentum of the scene--
217
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,527
- Jer, I think Reed wants to get off now.
- Not, Not what I said.
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00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:31,280
- Okay, fine, Lawrence
gets out of the bed.
219
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,993
- Uh, uh, or, or, uh, here's a thought.
Lawrence stays in bed.
220
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,494
- You don't wanna get outta bed?
221
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,829
- I really don't.
222
00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,706
- Jerry, is it funny if
I pull off the covers--
223
00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:42,624
- No, no, no, nope. Nope, not funny.
[Bree chuckles]
224
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:45,419
- Oh, I get it.
[Bree laughing]
225
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It's no big deal, everyone,
226
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Reed just has an erection.
- Yep!
227
00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:50,799
[all laughing]
- Let's take five
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00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,801
on account of Reed's erection.
229
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:55,637
- Hey, uh, Jerry, is this
a hard five or a soft five?
230
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,639
[laughing continues]
- Unbelievable.
231
00:09:57,639 --> 00:10:00,767
That's-- Really, Really, Jerry?
You don't laugh in 56 years. That got you?
232
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,520
[Reed sighs]
233
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:12,112
- Right, so, uh, where did
we leave off yesterday?
234
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,073
- Gordon pitched that Caitlyn Jenner joke
and then you threw an orange at him.
235
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:17,576
- It was a tangelo.
- Yeah, that's the important part.
236
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:19,828
- Okay, right. I mean, uh, before that.
237
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:23,707
- Uh, we talked about the fight
you and your dad had in the kitchen.
238
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:26,168
And a lot of other fights
you two have had.
239
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:29,296
- And then we watched
an episode of Yellowjackets.
240
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:33,300
- I will admit I was
a bit... thrown yesterday,
241
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,301
but, today, we are--
[knocks on door]
242
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,260
GORDON: Good news, everyone.
243
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,721
The comedy cavalry has arrived.
244
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:40,891
- Good morning! Delivery from Jews 'R' Us.
245
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:43,936
- Sorry we're late, we've been wandering
in Palm Desert for 40 years.
246
00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:45,229
- Ignore these old fucks.
247
00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:46,522
They saw some actress out there
248
00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:48,732
and they got their first
hard-ons in 20 years.
249
00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:50,651
[men laughing]
- Let me introduce everybody.
250
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,028
This is Alan, Bob, Selma.
251
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:55,948
Say hello to Benny, Janae, and Azmina.
252
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:59,243
- Azmina...
I think I take that for my gout.
253
00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:02,329
- Azmina, that's a Spanish name,
if I'm not mistaken.
254
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,540
- Sorta.
- My first wife was Latin.
255
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:06,959
Case you ever wonder
why I'm scared of you.
256
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:09,253
[men laughing]
257
00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:10,754
- Uh, kitchen?
258
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,589
- All righty.
259
00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,176
They're exactly what we need.
260
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,345
- Oh, well, then I'm shocked they were
available at a moment's notice.
261
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,180
Did you find them
feeding birds in the park?
262
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,265
- They're funny.
263
00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,141
Every single one of those writers
264
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,769
has been making sitcoms
since before you were born.
265
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:27,646
- That's not a point in their favor.
266
00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:30,107
We don't need a bunch of dinosaurs
in the writers' room.
267
00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:31,024
- So funny you say that,
268
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,610
Alan ran the last two seasons
of Dinosaurs on ABC.
269
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:37,197
- Yeah, again, "wrote for giant puppets"
is not the mic drop you think it is.
270
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,158
- Trust me, when it's late
and we're tired,
271
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,703
and we're stuck on that
last page of a rewrite,
272
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,246
you are gonna want pros like them.
273
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,915
They can come up with a joke
that gets ya home every time.
274
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:47,916
They're legends.
275
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,877
And they're hipper than you think.
[door opens]
276
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,088
Hey.
- Nice kids,
277
00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:56,717
but Selma had this great cunt joke,
went over like a fart in schule.
278
00:11:57,426 --> 00:11:59,553
Also, uh, where can I find a fax machine?
279
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:04,766
- Oh, hold up.
We gotta meet the Queen Bree.
280
00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:07,561
Queen Bree Marie Jensen,
and she's single.
281
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:10,105
- Can we, um, can we just tape this later
282
00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:11,857
because, honestly,
I'm feeling really gross right now,
283
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:12,733
and according to wardrobe,
284
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,484
I look like a cow
if I'm not wearing Spanx.
285
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,486
- We're live to 85,000 people.
286
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:19,489
- [perky] Oh, hi, everyone!
- Hey, yeah.
287
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:20,782
- Hello!
288
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,368
You should show them the bird
that lives in the light grid!
289
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,120
- Good call!
290
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,955
How hilarious is she?
291
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:30,250
JERRY:
Hey, Bree... Uh, Reed, a moment.
292
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:36,089
I just came from a bullshit meeting at HR
about what happened yesterday.
293
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,132
- What happened yesterday?
294
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,301
- Sweetheart, you got a hard-on.
[Bree chuckles]
295
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,428
Apparently, that's against company policy.
296
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,180
- Oh my god, there was a meeting?
297
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:45,224
- Oh my god, this is
the greatest thing ever.
298
00:12:45,224 --> 00:12:48,602
- I'm supposed to make you
feel comfortable because,
299
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:53,106
"The Walt Disney company
is committed to providing
300
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:56,151
"a safe and secure workplace environment.
301
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:59,112
"We must all work together
for a better tomorrow.
302
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,615
Walt Disney, where dreams come true."
303
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,367
- All right, great--
- Just to be clear,
304
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:07,287
Jerry, um, I'm not in trouble for being
so hot that Reed got an erection?
305
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,747
This is on Reed for being a dog
306
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,707
who goes full lipstick
if someone touches him, right?
307
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,709
[Reed laughs sarcastically]
- No, this is about Reed.
308
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,628
None of the executives made fun of you.
309
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:18,632
- Okay, the only reason this happened
is because I was reacting in character,
310
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:21,510
as Lawrence, who was
being aroused by his wife, Josie.
311
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:22,928
BREE: No, I don't think that's what it is.
312
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:25,681
What I think happened is that
you're confused because of our history
313
00:13:25,681 --> 00:13:27,057
and I think you still
have feelings for me.
314
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:31,687
- I do not still have feelings for you.
I am in a committed relationship.
315
00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:35,566
- Right, with Nora,
who's a real person in New York City.
316
00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:37,317
- Okay, you know what?
Thank you so very much, Jerry,
317
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,945
for bringin' this to my attention
and reading this document.
318
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,405
I have had enough.
319
00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:44,032
- Oh, no, there's, there's somethin' else.
320
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:46,952
Uh, Dennis, where's
the thing and the thing?
321
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:49,162
- Here you go.
- Wh-What are we doin' now?
322
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,832
[Bree giggles]
- This is called a vajoga.
323
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,208
[giggling]
- [softly] God.
324
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:57,296
- I'm thrilled to announce you place it
between your stuff and her business
325
00:13:57,296 --> 00:13:59,423
as a protective barrier.
326
00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:05,095
- Um, Jerry, I don't think you are aware
of just how hard Reed was yesterday.
327
00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:07,222
I don't think that's
gonna be enough protection.
328
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:08,098
- Please kill me.
329
00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,350
- There's also this modesty sock.
330
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,560
- Tell me more.
331
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,230
- Well, you lace it around your member
332
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:18,859
and pull on the strap
until you achieve a snug fit.
333
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:23,197
This is fun.
[laughs]
334
00:14:23,197 --> 00:14:25,616
- Well, I won't need a vajoga,
and I won't need a sock
335
00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:28,660
because after today,
I may never get hard again.
336
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:35,501
♪
337
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,797
- Hey, naughty man.
338
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,466
I knit you a scarf.
339
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,468
You wanna try it on for size?
340
00:14:44,468 --> 00:14:48,388
- Oh, I, I don't know.
I... wouldn't want you to get cold.
341
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,641
- Don't worry, I run hot.
342
00:14:50,641 --> 00:14:53,018
Especially since I hit my 50s.
343
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:58,774
- Oh, wow, you know, I, uh,
just came to grab my, uh--
344
00:14:58,774 --> 00:15:00,234
They need me on stage, so.
345
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:03,737
- Ooh, are you tryin' to run away,
my little bunny?
346
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:06,865
'Cause that would make
Mommy so upset with you.
347
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:09,117
- No, no, no, no.
No need to get upset.
348
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,410
Nobody's trying to run away.
349
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:13,455
I just, l-literally, have
to get back to the stage
350
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:14,331
to do my scene.
351
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,625
- Oh, what if we shot a little scene?
352
00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:21,505
"Interior me, Clay enters."
353
00:15:21,505 --> 00:15:25,384
- Oh, boy, I would really love that, uh,
354
00:15:25,384 --> 00:15:30,222
but they're callin' me,
so, uh... Clay has to exit.
355
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:40,315
Reed! Hey!
Can I hide in your trailer?
356
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,984
- Is this Zack's mom again?
357
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,236
- Yeah, he found out,
but he's not even pissed at me,
358
00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:47,573
and now that everyone's okay with it,
uch, it just feels wrong.
359
00:15:47,573 --> 00:15:49,908
- So break it off with her.
360
00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,620
- Well... Zack told me she busted
out some dude's windshield
361
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:57,249
for trying to cut and run,
and I can't afford that kind of trouble.
362
00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:58,542
- Well, I got problems of my own.
363
00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:01,086
Apparently, there was a whole HR meeting
364
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:05,340
about my totally involuntary
and completely understandable incident.
365
00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,634
- Your dick caused an HR situation?
366
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,595
- Yeah.
- Interesting.
367
00:16:09,595 --> 00:16:12,973
- Now we have to rehearse the scene...
What if it happens again?
368
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:16,101
- Just be a professional
and go crank your hog first.
369
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:19,229
- I'm not gonna pleasure
myself at work, Clay.
370
00:16:19,605 --> 00:16:21,481
- That's practically all I do.
371
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,901
Why do you think I never know my lines?
372
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,698
- [clears throat] Okay, it's, uh, 3:00
373
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:33,035
and we are still in the A scene.
374
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:37,414
- That's because it took you guys
an hour to decide where to get lunch.
375
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:39,708
- And then an hour to complain
about the lunch once it got here.
376
00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,668
- That meatloaf is, is still
not sitting well with me.
377
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,379
- [softly] Oh my god.
- Oh, what, what organ is-is right here?
378
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:45,464
- Please don't die.
379
00:16:45,464 --> 00:16:47,633
Then I'd be the schlockiest writer alive.
380
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:49,009
- What about Murray Klein?
381
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:52,513
- Murray Klein died on a sound stage
just like all his pictures.
382
00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:54,223
[Bob chuckles]
- He should rest in peace.
383
00:16:54,223 --> 00:16:56,850
Terrible writer, but a fantastic lay.
384
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,603
- Oh, sweet Jesus. Okay, can we,
can we please get back to the story?
385
00:16:59,603 --> 00:17:00,270
All right.
386
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,773
Cody is broke, why is he broke?
387
00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:04,316
- Crippling student loans.
388
00:17:04,316 --> 00:17:05,943
- Inflation. Gas prices.
389
00:17:05,943 --> 00:17:10,197
- He, He lost his job because he
falls asleep whenever he hears a bell.
390
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,615
[laughing]
- Ha!
391
00:17:11,615 --> 00:17:12,658
- What?
392
00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:15,202
- What do you mean "what?"
Obviously, he's been hypnotized.
393
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:16,078
BOB: Thank you.
394
00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:17,329
- When I was on the Lampoon--
395
00:17:17,329 --> 00:17:18,622
- Okay, that's four.
396
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:19,748
- I count five.
397
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:23,001
- What, what about, um, crypto or an NFT?
398
00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,087
- What the hell is an NFT?
399
00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:27,548
- What if Cody loses
his shirt playin' the ponies?
400
00:17:27,548 --> 00:17:31,218
- So, he's addicted to gambling
and he supports animal abuse.
401
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,303
- I thought gay people
were supposed to be fun.
402
00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:39,685
- I'm gonna order you some
of those boxer briefs in fun colors.
403
00:17:39,685 --> 00:17:41,395
- Ooh, thank you.
404
00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:44,106
- I like it 'cause you don't see
a panty line on TV.
405
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,899
[knocks on door]
- Yeah.
406
00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:48,986
- Hey, guys.
We got a little situation here.
407
00:17:49,403 --> 00:17:51,822
This dude's from corporate HR.
408
00:17:52,364 --> 00:17:55,576
- Hi, I'm, uh, Tony Fingerton.
409
00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:57,911
- Well, hello, Mr. Fingerton.
410
00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,747
May I offer you some grapes or a Go-Gurt?
411
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,166
- Oh, yeah, uh, sure.
Uh, both would be--
412
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:05,544
- No. We're not gonna give
this creep anything.
413
00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:07,546
Wait 'til you hear what he has to say.
414
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,214
- Fine.
415
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:14,678
Uh, uh, we've, uh, received word
of, um, unreported on-set romance,
416
00:18:14,678 --> 00:18:16,680
which goes against, um,
417
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:21,393
s-- uh, section four
of the employee conduct handbook.
418
00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,061
- But she's not even an employee.
419
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,772
- W-- Uh, well, um--
- That's what I said,
420
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,483
but he said it's a problem
because you were a minor
421
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:29,985
when your mom and I originally met.
422
00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:33,280
- Correct. I-I-I'm sorry,
but if you don't end the relationship,
423
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,033
we will find Mr. Barber
in violation of his contract
424
00:18:36,033 --> 00:18:38,327
and he will be terminated immediately.
425
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:41,163
- Oh my.
- What?! That's B.S.!
426
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,748
- Language.
427
00:18:42,748 --> 00:18:44,583
- Aw, man, bro.
428
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:48,295
You've got a tough decision to make.
429
00:18:48,504 --> 00:18:49,922
JERRY: Okay.
430
00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:53,467
Do we dare try the kiss
at the top for real this time?
431
00:18:54,009 --> 00:18:54,885
- I don't know, Jerry,
432
00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:59,473
I would hate to see Reed punch a hole
in a perfectly good vajoga.
433
00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,183
REED:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can do the kiss.
[Dennis laughing]
434
00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:03,227
- Are you sure you can handle it?
435
00:19:03,227 --> 00:19:04,186
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
436
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,020
- Yeah.
- Okay.
437
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,190
- Okay, I am an artist,
and I have control of my instrument.
438
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:10,609
- As long as I don't feel
your instrument on my leg.
439
00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:12,861
- All right, people, settle,
440
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:17,241
and may god have mercy
on our souls, action.
441
00:19:17,241 --> 00:19:20,619
- Finally, have the house to ourselves.
- Mm-hm.
442
00:19:20,619 --> 00:19:21,620
[chuckling]
443
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:33,841
[Bree crying]
444
00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:35,634
- Bree?
445
00:19:37,845 --> 00:19:39,263
Are you crying?
446
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:46,436
Wait, are you okay?
- No, I just-- [crying]
447
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:48,105
- Wait, Bree, are you okay?
448
00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:52,109
- What'd you do this time?
449
00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:55,904
- That was not my fault,
completely flaccid over here!
450
00:20:01,827 --> 00:20:02,828
- Hello.
451
00:20:02,828 --> 00:20:06,039
- Look, I am so upset
about this whole HR situation,
452
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:08,000
but you know the rules--
- Stop it.
453
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:12,713
I knew the whole thing was fake the minute
"Mr. Fingerton" opened his mouth.
454
00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:15,132
- What?
- Clay.
455
00:20:15,132 --> 00:20:18,385
- Okay, Susan, hold on. Don't get mad. I--
- I'm not mad,
456
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,263
but I am very disappointed.
457
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:23,182
- Oh my god, that's so much worse.
458
00:20:23,724 --> 00:20:25,350
Look, it's not what you think.
I can explain,
459
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,103
so there's no reason to start freakin' out
and smashing windshields--
460
00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:28,937
- What?!
461
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,690
Wait, is that what Zack told you?
462
00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:34,651
Oh, I see what's happening here.
463
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,821
Can I be vulgar for a moment?
464
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:38,947
- You're askin' me?
465
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,744
- I like... to fuck.
466
00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:46,788
And that's not easy for a son
to understand about his mother,
467
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:49,666
especially after a divorce.
468
00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:55,297
I broke that windshield
from inside the car... with my foot
469
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,091
while having an orgasm.
470
00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,761
The neighbors heard and called the police.
471
00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:03,597
- Jesus, that's actually impressive.
472
00:21:03,597 --> 00:21:05,098
- I owe it all to kettlebells.
473
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:09,520
- So, you're not mad that
I don't wanna have a relationship?
474
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,563
- I was married for 25 years.
475
00:21:11,563 --> 00:21:15,400
I only go after men who have
nothing to offer me romantically.
476
00:21:16,068 --> 00:21:20,072
Rough trade boys like yourself
are... kind of my thing.
477
00:21:20,072 --> 00:21:22,533
- Well, being called a rough trade boy
478
00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:25,536
by women like you is,
uh, kind of my thing.
479
00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,663
- Now that Zack thinks
you'll get fired if we're together,
480
00:21:27,663 --> 00:21:30,916
it's even more forbidden
than it was before.
481
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,167
- Hm.
482
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:34,962
- Maybe someday when
you're drunk and misbehaving,
483
00:21:34,962 --> 00:21:37,965
you'll gimme a call
and I'll come and set ya straight.
484
00:21:38,715 --> 00:21:41,718
- I'd like that, Susan... I really would.
485
00:21:42,094 --> 00:21:43,929
- Take care of yourself, Clayton.
486
00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:47,516
But not too well.
487
00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:56,358
- She's a heck of a woman.
488
00:21:58,151 --> 00:22:00,737
[Clay sighs]
I probably would've chosen my career, too.
489
00:22:00,737 --> 00:22:02,531
- Well, it was neck and neck.
490
00:22:02,531 --> 00:22:04,533
- Thanks for being so cool to my mom.
491
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:06,451
It was great seeing her happy.
492
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:08,161
- Well, she's a nice lady.
493
00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,497
- At least you're still my TV dad.
494
00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:16,170
- [chuckles] Yeah, well...
see ya tomorrow.
495
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:17,713
- Good night.
496
00:22:22,259 --> 00:22:24,803
- Look. Hey, I'm goin' to get
a hamburger after this,
497
00:22:24,803 --> 00:22:27,431
- so if you wanna--
- Seriously?
498
00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:30,142
Shotgun!
- Hey, calm down, separate cars.
499
00:22:30,142 --> 00:22:31,143
- Right.
500
00:22:32,102 --> 00:22:33,187
Race ya!
501
00:22:33,187 --> 00:22:34,396
[sighs]
502
00:22:36,023 --> 00:22:40,903
- I can't believe I cried in front
of everybody like that today.
503
00:22:40,903 --> 00:22:42,779
- Can I ask you something?
- Mm-hm.
504
00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:44,489
- Why did you and Reed break up?
505
00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:48,952
- Oh, we made each other crazy.
In the good way and the bad way.
506
00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:53,373
It was just too intense to last.
Totally the opposite with my ex-husband.
507
00:22:53,707 --> 00:22:55,667
- Maybe that's why you ran off with him.
508
00:22:55,667 --> 00:22:58,837
- Yeah, I might have over-corrected.
509
00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:00,255
- So, today?
510
00:23:00,631 --> 00:23:04,176
- I think kissing Reed...
took me back to the years
511
00:23:04,176 --> 00:23:08,847
when someone made
me feel sexy... and loved.
512
00:23:08,847 --> 00:23:12,559
And I got overwhelmed
with how long it's been.
513
00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:14,895
- Well, not having that
in your marriage must've been awful.
514
00:23:15,979 --> 00:23:19,816
- It, It was good in the beginning.
Anders and I had a lot of nice times.
515
00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:23,946
I got to wear a crown,
they named an iceberg after me.
516
00:23:25,030 --> 00:23:27,032
Wait, were they calling me cold?
517
00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:28,825
- Well--
- What?
518
00:23:28,825 --> 00:23:30,035
if it makes you feel any better,
519
00:23:30,035 --> 00:23:31,870
half of the guys
on the crew wanna bang you.
520
00:23:31,870 --> 00:23:34,706
- Oh my god! No, they don't.
521
00:23:34,706 --> 00:23:36,375
Do they?
- Yeah.
522
00:23:36,375 --> 00:23:38,418
- Even the cute grip who looks like Jesus?
523
00:23:38,418 --> 00:23:41,129
- You are an 11 out of 10.
524
00:23:41,129 --> 00:23:42,798
If you were feeling yourself,
you could take anybody
525
00:23:42,798 --> 00:23:44,842
in this bar home tonight.
526
00:23:44,842 --> 00:23:48,011
I think that is what you need
to get yourself right again.
527
00:23:48,554 --> 00:23:50,097
- Maybe you're right.
- Mm-hm.
528
00:23:50,097 --> 00:23:54,476
- Maybe I need to have hot, crazy,
meaningless sex with a stranger--
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
529
00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:57,312
- no strings attached--
- Hello, ladies.
530
00:23:57,312 --> 00:23:59,147
Couldn't help overhearing--
BOTH: Nope.
531
00:23:59,147 --> 00:24:00,148
- O-kay.
532
00:24:03,735 --> 00:24:04,736
[clinking]
533
00:24:06,405 --> 00:24:07,406
[yawns]
534
00:24:09,449 --> 00:24:10,659
[clinking]
535
00:24:13,954 --> 00:24:15,414
- Can you not do that, please?
536
00:24:15,414 --> 00:24:16,707
- You want me to throw 'em on the floor?
537
00:24:16,707 --> 00:24:18,292
- That's where your nuts usually are.
538
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:21,420
- I don't love how much
you talk about Alan's genitals.
539
00:24:21,420 --> 00:24:23,463
- I'm sorry. Low-hangin' fruit.
540
00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:24,673
- How does she do it?
541
00:24:24,673 --> 00:24:26,466
- Okay, can we please
get back to the story?
542
00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:29,511
Okay? Anybody, Josie and Whitney?
543
00:24:29,511 --> 00:24:31,096
- All right, Josie and Whitney.
544
00:24:32,806 --> 00:24:36,185
Were we too quick to dismiss
the hot, clumsy delivery guy?
545
00:24:36,185 --> 00:24:38,395
- No.
- No. You've got to stop pitching that.
546
00:24:38,395 --> 00:24:41,023
- I'm telling you, it'd work.
- It's too sitcom-y.
547
00:24:41,023 --> 00:24:42,816
- It's funny.
- None of us laughed.
548
00:24:42,816 --> 00:24:45,819
- You know, between us, we have
150 years in this business
549
00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:48,947
and you guys haven't laughed at anything
coming from this side of the table.
550
00:24:48,947 --> 00:24:51,533
- I don't know, I laughed at some
of the sounds coming out of Alan.
551
00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:54,286
- Story of my life.
I love onions, they don't love me.
552
00:24:54,286 --> 00:24:57,289
- I'm telling you, it could be
symptoms of something serious.
553
00:24:57,289 --> 00:25:00,125
- Uh, I'm sorry, I, I just
think some of the jokes
554
00:25:00,125 --> 00:25:03,712
you guys tell are a, a little c-corny.
555
00:25:03,712 --> 00:25:06,173
- Yeah, and a lot of them
are wildly offensive.
556
00:25:06,173 --> 00:25:08,550
- They're like the ones
my memaw tells at Thanksgiving.
557
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:11,178
- She sounds funny.
Does she have a [inaudible].
558
00:25:11,178 --> 00:25:12,846
- Okay, yeah, I'm gonna
just state the obvious.
559
00:25:12,846 --> 00:25:15,516
So, we're coming from two
entirely different planets here.
560
00:25:15,516 --> 00:25:19,102
- Listen, sometimes it takes a while
for a room to come together.
561
00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:20,729
- We're never gonna come together.
562
00:25:20,729 --> 00:25:22,564
Selma! Don't even.
563
00:25:22,814 --> 00:25:24,650
- Gimme four dildos and a metronome.
564
00:25:24,650 --> 00:25:26,902
- You are a broken woman.
565
00:25:26,902 --> 00:25:30,322
- Gordon, your writers and my writers
have nothing in common.
566
00:25:30,322 --> 00:25:32,366
So, don't you think that
says something about us?
567
00:25:32,366 --> 00:25:35,160
- Says I know how to hire writers,
nothing personal.
568
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:36,537
- Seems personal.
569
00:25:36,537 --> 00:25:39,957
- You know... we've barely spoken
for the last 25 years,
570
00:25:39,957 --> 00:25:43,001
so I think we were fucking crazy
to think this could work.
571
00:25:43,001 --> 00:25:45,295
- Maybe this is not the place
for that conversation.
572
00:25:45,295 --> 00:25:49,299
- Or maybe there's just
nothing left to discuss... Yeah.
573
00:25:51,260 --> 00:25:53,470
- Where you going?
- Guys, I'm, I-I'm really sorry
574
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:55,013
I dragged you all into this, truly I am.
575
00:25:55,013 --> 00:25:56,557
Gordon, you know what?
You said this is your show,
576
00:25:56,557 --> 00:25:58,058
so do it your way.
577
00:25:58,433 --> 00:26:00,060
- What, you're quitting?
HANNAH: Not much use in a room
578
00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:03,647
full of people who can't agree
on a single goddamn thing that's funny.
579
00:26:03,647 --> 00:26:06,483
[clanking]
Ah! [grunts] Ow, fuck me.
580
00:26:06,483 --> 00:26:08,485
[all laughing]
581
00:26:09,611 --> 00:26:12,489
Don't laugh, you guys are assholes.
582
00:26:12,489 --> 00:26:15,409
- Oh, my baby, are you okay?
- No.
583
00:26:15,409 --> 00:26:17,661
- I'm talking to the garbage can.
[all laughing]
584
00:26:21,290 --> 00:26:24,501
- I don't know why I'm laughing?
I'm in so much pain.
585
00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:25,752
AZMINA: Wait, wait, wait!
586
00:26:25,752 --> 00:26:28,297
Josie should eat it like that
in the kitchen scene.
587
00:26:28,297 --> 00:26:29,506
- Ooh, absolutely!
- Yeah!
588
00:26:29,506 --> 00:26:33,051
- Especially if she just finished giving
some big, melodramatic speech.
589
00:26:33,051 --> 00:26:34,887
ALAN:
And then she trips over an extension cord
590
00:26:34,887 --> 00:26:38,599
'cause Cody's got his computer plugged in
and he's workin' on one of those NFTs.
591
00:26:38,599 --> 00:26:40,642
- Okay, Alan, I see you.
- Yes!
592
00:26:40,642 --> 00:26:43,604
- I still don't know what it is,
but I like that somebody's falling.
593
00:26:43,604 --> 00:26:47,608
- Falling is always funny.
GORDON: Yes. Falling's funny.
594
00:26:47,608 --> 00:26:50,027
[scattered laughter]
595
00:26:51,236 --> 00:26:52,070
All right.
596
00:26:52,070 --> 00:26:55,866
- Well, uh, we should
probably order some dinner.
597
00:26:55,866 --> 00:26:57,951
- Yes, how 'bout a nice
deli platter from Nate 'n Al's?
598
00:26:57,951 --> 00:27:00,204
- Ooh.
- I do like their salami.
599
00:27:00,204 --> 00:27:04,124
- I bet you do, you old whore.
- [laughs] You are fun.
600
00:27:04,124 --> 00:27:07,127
[all laughing]
You know about salami, huh?
601
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,050
[exhales]
602
00:27:14,510 --> 00:27:16,136
[ringback tone]
603
00:27:16,136 --> 00:27:17,554
[phone vibrating]
604
00:27:18,305 --> 00:27:19,723
- Hello?
- Hey.
605
00:27:20,182 --> 00:27:24,394
I tried to catch up with you today,
but they said that you took off.
606
00:27:25,145 --> 00:27:29,608
Just, uh, wanted to check in
in a, in a totally non-condescending way.
607
00:27:29,608 --> 00:27:32,861
- [chuckles] I'm doing better, thanks.
608
00:27:32,861 --> 00:27:34,696
REED: Good... Very good.
609
00:27:35,364 --> 00:27:39,368
I also wanted to, uh,
let you know that you were right.
610
00:27:40,035 --> 00:27:44,122
Um... deep down, I was worried about,
611
00:27:44,122 --> 00:27:46,750
you know, whether I was gonna
feel that old spark again
612
00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,669
ever since I heard
the show was coming back,
613
00:27:48,669 --> 00:27:51,088
and, obviously, I still felt it,
614
00:27:51,088 --> 00:27:55,133
and... uh, you literally did as well.
[both chuckling]
615
00:27:55,133 --> 00:28:00,764
But [clears throat] I... just, uh,
I just, uh, had a sense today that,
616
00:28:00,764 --> 00:28:03,559
uh, maybe you felt something too.
617
00:28:03,559 --> 00:28:05,769
So, you know, if you
wanted to talk about it.
618
00:28:05,769 --> 00:28:06,645
- You know what?
619
00:28:07,104 --> 00:28:08,438
I appreciate you saying that,
620
00:28:08,438 --> 00:28:10,858
but I'm actually in a really
good place right now.
621
00:28:10,858 --> 00:28:11,692
- Oh.
622
00:28:12,776 --> 00:28:13,610
Okay.
623
00:28:14,194 --> 00:28:15,404
Glad to hear it.
624
00:28:16,154 --> 00:28:18,156
- Yeah... Good night, Reed.
625
00:28:19,992 --> 00:28:21,201
- Good night?
626
00:28:23,787 --> 00:28:25,455
- Everything okay?
627
00:28:25,455 --> 00:28:26,915
- Everything's great.
628
00:28:26,915 --> 00:28:29,918
♪ "Oh Shit" by The Pharcyde playing ♪
629
00:28:31,670 --> 00:28:37,551
♪ Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit ♪
630
00:28:37,551 --> 00:28:38,594
PERSON [screams]: No!
631
00:28:38,594 --> 00:28:44,600
♪ Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit ♪
632
00:28:44,975 --> 00:28:50,981
♪ Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit ♪
633
00:28:51,857 --> 00:28:57,863
♪ Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit ♪
634
00:28:58,739 --> 00:29:00,365
♪ Oh shit ♪
635
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:04,703
[music flourish]
636
00:29:04,703 --> 00:29:07,706
[fanfare]